If I Were You - 116: Eat Your Heart Out (Live from the Hollywood Improv!)

Episode Date: November 24, 2014

In this episode we discuss being drunk in love and settling for second best, live at the Hollywood Improv!This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com, BarkBox.com, and DraftKings.comSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Uh, this was our live episode back at the Hollywood improv. There we go. We have fun on the road We really do it was at our hometown, but we still have a lot of time show and things did actually end up getting True true. They did. Yeah, they got true. I enjoy Big Sean doesn't give a fuck I Just want to stand up so we can hear more of this song. I know to play the whole entire thing I like this song. It's a good song. It has a good message, too. Yeah He doesn't give an F about her right or feelings. Yeah, or anything that you does. Yeah, yeah, it's true. Yeah You guys thank you. Hey

Thank you guys Thanks, thank you everybody who came out except for this guy Whoever has the the front front front row and not there Whose chair is this? The absolute front row for nobody. They actually they leave a chair open for the owner that passed away recently. Jesus But only because that's not right I made that up it doesn't exist if it if I would give a fuck Yeah, I would give a fuck. I would be sorry for your loss. Yeah Which is his other song another verse. Yeah, I actually changed my mind

I do give a fuck about you and everything that you do This is so exciting who here has been to one of these podcast taping before Who has never been to a live podcast? Yeah Everyone that's been here before you get to punch someone that has it. What? Yeah Hell yeah, I Changed right now. I changed the law. I changed the law of America and you learned how to punch like this. Yeah Everybody's

If you do it like this, it won't hurt. There's not people boxed in the tens. Yeah, yeah like that Yeah, like Irish people when Irish people were the strongest wrist wrist forward. Yeah When you go 52 rounds against the fucking kangaroo You know a lot about history, thanks, dude So what is this this is a podcast do you guys know what podcasts are? Everyone in this room listens to podcasts thus making it the nerdiest room in Los Angeles right now But we are the most losers because we have a podcast Which is like listening to a thousand podcasts, right because we actually have it

This is an advice podcast people write us in with their dilemmas and their problems and Jake and I tend to advise these Listeners out of their moral quandaries and sometimes it's just us to and sometimes we do it in a room with two hundred friends And one no show yeah Cheers by the way, this is really nice Toda It's a pleasure to all of you too. It's a pleasure to be here with you guys. It's pleasure to be here with you I know you feel the same way that it's a pleasure to be here with them and Conversely, it's a pleasure to be sure. Let's get started

And just for the record, let's hear you say it that it's a pleasure to be here with me I agree. Do you like being here with everybody else? I do like being here with everybody else and I think we should start it Absolutely, I love you and you love me too And if you take a sip of the whiskey that is a binding contract that we are in love salute That does not negate That's love people That was real I Do love you

Not sounds just out of force. Yeah, please relax How is everybody else doing is everybody good? Good all right cool, that's all I needed to know Do we just jump right in get in get into it. I don't know. Yeah, I guess right. Yeah Yeah, should we say yeah? How are we doing? How are we doing on time? We are Out fuck what it was so good to be here. How long was that song?

All right For those of you who are uncertain I'm unfamiliar. These are I'm gonna be reading real emails from real people but gonna give them fake names In order to preserve their anonymity. So we need a fake name Abby Wait a second John. These are all real names. These are all real names. Oh shit. I want fake names Bija Bija to be fair Bijan does sound like a fake man Bijan is that it is the first name a guy?

Yeah, no, it's actually a woman. Okay. Well, this is fair still Bijan you get to give me a fake name for a woman stumped Fariba is okay. Yeah, sure. That sounds fake Fariba the driver of a Furby Fariba writes money She does write money Money money money money is pretty tight these days and my boyfriend came up with a novel solution to ease the issue He offered to pay my rent for the next month if I ate a piece of dead skin off his foot

It's fair The alternate was a spitball to the back of the throat that I would then have to swallow The rent is about six hundred dollars a month half my salary I'm mulling it over but was wondering if you guys have ever been in a financial bind so severe You would take that offer up or is there anything else you would have done to prostitute yourself out with a partner? I'm ruling out sex. That's too far any insight love What was her name for Eba for Eba?

Yeah, we can give it up for for Eba Wherever she is she's choking to death on a part of a football. Yeah The alternate was a spitball to the back of my throat. That sounds like a threat if she didn't do the foot thing Eat my eat my dead skin or else. It's a spitball to the throat with you It's not fair. It's not. I don't think that's legal Right. I don't know. Yeah, it's illegal It's a extortion. Yeah, sure. Yeah, why not extortion form of torture. What's the way have you ever done anything bad for money? Bad for money. Well, I guess like

Selling drugs or something would be bad. Of course and I did that once I Would yeah, I did that. I did that once for a long time. Yeah It was a very slow transaction I Don't think so. I don't think I've ever been desperate enough to eat. Well, what is what is dead skin? What's it made of? It's just you know, it's made out of skin. I bet That doesn't sound terrible, I bet it would be so that's from fucking Austin Powers, what gold member did it If gold member did it certainly she can do it. I might not be that bad. I might be salty. Is that a danger?

Would you say go for it or it's a sets of dangerous precedent for this weird? Billionaire boyfriend of hers. Yeah, well, that's the other thing. He's not he doesn't even have a lot of money He just really really really wants her to do it What I also like that. She's like, I would never have sex with him. That's going too far Wouldn't that be going not as far as the dead skin if you're sleeping with your boyfriend? That seems average It seems normal. You should see that. Yeah, maybe she can parlay it She's just say I will not sleep with you and unless you pay me. Is that prostitution? But well, don't jump to conclusions. Yeah

Just because she's getting paid here's what I would say that of course is prostitution But so isn't eating the dead skin. It's just a kinkier form. Someone said yes So what every every leader back there's every bet is a is prostitution I think everything is I can't tell if that's very liberal or conservative thing to say either way It is a statement and I think I stand by it. Have you ever been so desperate for money? You've never run out of money, right? No, I'm infinitely wealthy Well, yeah, cuz you're your parents are rich and then you're rich. Yeah, and now we're just all rich

Okay, perfect. You should come over for one of our money fights. I Everybody's fighting like yeah These are bands of hundred dollar bills The question would should she do it or would we remember that thing in the office where we would At college humor back in the day a lot of people would be like, hey I'll pay you $20 to do this and then like people would jump in on that and be like, oh, I'll pay I'll match that. I like and then it was like up to like $300 to like this is like the closest I ever came to crying at work So without crying yeah, yeah, cuz you did

Yeah, I cried almost every day This is the closest you got while still being able to hold back It was around Easter time and we got a bunch of jelly beans, right and we there was this guy in our office named Kevin Yeah, you don't have to say people's names. Well, no Kevin's innocent in the story. Okay, I haven't gotten to the other name Kevin Corrigan great man He was challenged to eat like a pound of jelly beans Fair enough sure he did it. Yeah, it was great. It was hilarious. He got sick and everything Fun and fine and he got paid his money

He had to go home because he had some sort of short-form diabetes It was hilarious if it's blood sugar went up so high We used to pay him to eat a lot of things and that was not the only time Kevin got sick and went home from work But then we um upped the ante so Streeter you guys know Streeter maybe So there was a bet for Streeter to eat a pound of just popcorn butter popcorn flavor jelly beans You guys are disgusted and I I'm halfway through the story So as Streeter is trying to make his way through these jelly beans He is spitting into a cup just cuz he can't fucking take there's too much saliva

Like butter popcorn flavor saliva. He's just sick Like borderline throwing up into a cup for an hour It got to the point where like it was as high as my whiskey right now and Then somebody dared an intern to drink it But then it was like I'll give you $30 to do that and that's what he's like Yeah, I'll match that and then by the time it was done We're doing for like 200 bucks and he had no idea how quickly we could raise $200. Yeah

We we can have like a actual Red Cross charity fundraiser and get like $31. We could have cured something Yeah, but to drink the cup of spit. We had $200 in a heartbeat so fast So then like every the whole entire office is surrounded this kid He's holding the cup of spit and he's like wait wait wait. We started counting down from 20 And he's like Three two one he was like fuck it and he chugged the whole thing So there are worse things you could do for money is the moral of the story. That's true Would you if you were if you were her if I were you I feel like I'd break up with the maniacal boyfriend who wants her to eat his foot

I Mean the fucked up you think about it on the surface and it's like okay. I'll eat a little piece of dead skin You'll pay for half my rent. Everybody wins But then you're like sticking it to him actually yeah But then just not you're only doing it if you think about it He has the money and he won't give it to her unless she does this thing that degrades her Not sleeping with him, but rather that's too far to spit in her mouth Yeah

That's sociopathic for sure So I wonder so I say do it and rob him and then break up with him. Oh So you take his you eat his foot take the money break up. I just want to start calling eating his foot I What would you do if you were her I just said fucking eat his foot you would do it I wouldn't then I would take the money then I'd break up. I guess I would I would but is she living with him? Or is it like you pay my rent separately? Well, yeah, that's just the rent that he owes. Yeah, I won't do it He's holding it hostage until she eats his foot

I Guess I would probably do it right what's the alternative if you don't have money you have to rate get the money get a job No, I don't want to do that. No, I'm not what making money is this easy. Yeah I'll get a job eating a foot All right, I think we answered it. Do we answer it? Yeah Cheers drink up bottoms up You guys didn't get drinks yet. Did you order drinks? I don't know what's up. Do you want to sip of this? I

That's Jake spit you're drinking But you owe me one When you get your drink or three hundred dollars or whatever half your rent is All right We need another Boys name What I hear Crandis Crandis Crandis Crandis, I'm still not sure over in the corner behind the piano

That actually is the piano talking you came here just to yell Crandis. Didn't you that guy's hiding in the piano? It's like one of our other shows And did you also yell Crandis you did? You This is performance art, and it's fucking to find it Just go to our shows And he goes to shows all around and he yells Crandis you see him at UCB They're like are we just need a suggestion from the audience that he's like Crandis. I

Love you, dude To Crandis he starts melting because he meant to troll and anger you but the fact that you love him means he's dead All right, man, is there it can you get like Crandis on social media? I feel like you probably could right? Instagram comm slash Crandis do you do you imagine it with a C or a K? It actually doesn't matter. All right It is see though right yeah, thank you. It's actually is there a C at the end like Candace A Silent cue in the middle he said that is so inconvenient What if there's an even amount of letters and there's no smack dab in the middle

He's right All right, all right, all right Crandis right I've been I've recently been working a really shitty job just to make ends meet But in the last couple days I received a job opportunity in television that I've been waiting for ages to come up I can't wait to start in a few weeks time and if that wasn't good enough I've got yet another dream job working abroad in Rome for a long weekend with a friend Consulting clients and pretty much getting free meals and free wine in a beautiful city I've only just found out about both of these jobs, and it's the best news. I've had in a long while, but here's the catch

My girlfriend has been struggling with IBS irritable bowel syndrome a lot more than usual lately And now she's coming down with tonsillitis You For those of you listening at home Jake just took somebody's drink everyone was just not just cheering for tonsillitis So guy has great jobs girl is getting more sick I Can't imagine how much it is sucking for her at the moment So I don't want to make her feel jealous or even more depressed by telling her all the good news

I've had recently it's hard not to tell her either because I'll be flying abroad to Rome in a few weeks and she'll Have to know about it and hearing about it will probably just make her feel worse She knows the person I'm traveling with is an old friend although it might make her feel worse because the friend is a really attractive girl, haha I Love my girlfriend. How can I deliver this news best? What should I do in this slippery sitch? Thanks Crandis Crandis has to break up, right? So So guys getting dream job after dream job right girl has diarrhea in a swollen throat

And he's afraid that telling her will make her feel worse Right, and I think that he doesn't even realize the inherent problem with this question that he's afraid to give his girlfriend good news Because yeah, is this girl that your mortal enemy is see your Wario that if she hears you get a dream job Every time something good happens to you it makes her bowels worse. Yeah Not only understand Whenever you're happy I have diarrhea Your glee turns into pee She probably got tonsillitis when he got the consulting kit. Holy shit. It's like unbreakable

The universe has to be in order. It does so he wins the lottery and and her parents die or something. Yeah But all you guys are really sad, right? It didn't really happen She does that so it's funny thinking about That's how that works It's weird that he's afraid to say that good things shouldn't this good news be Resulted her feeling better Yeah, well, I mean he's also looking at her situation as

Solitary so he's saying good things are happening to me bad things are happening to her Not like great things are happening for us and bad things are happening for us and like where does that leave us? Yeah, it's very it's very me versus her which seems like a non-healthy relationship. Yeah, I also like he's like I can't not tell her because I'm going to Rome. Yeah, of course. We knew that You don't have to say that you won't notice that you went to Rome Maybe her IBS will be so bad that weekend. She'll just like that Yeah, in a bathroom for four days while he's sipping wine nine time zones away So the advice what would you suggest this guy do I don't know I think if I was dating somebody and they were like

Making me sad about good things that were happening to me. I would break up with them Thank you That was the most genuine I've ever been I Was like a kindergartner finding that thought it was so basic If I felt bad and sad I would leave You who causes it? Oh, I Just broke everything down

That's how all relationships are so well, but she's not even feeling bad or sad He's projecting that onto her. He fears that she will that's enough. That's another way to look at it I'll tell you what I'll tell you what but cheers. You had a good point. I Just fear that you're not drinking it is all I Have to read. Yeah, I Also drove you here in a motorcycle. That's right No sidecar. Uh-uh. No helmets either. Yeah, you were in front facing me. Yeah No helmets it was so intimate

It was borderline gay Only borderline because you were inside me. Yeah until we got here I was Reverse looking at ways This way yeah left onto Melrose. Oh, you're so deep You've heard a reverse cowgirl, right? This is reverse looking at ways We should fuck more You think if we we're not going to but if we actually started having sex on this stage You guys applaud or would you be so freaked out?

See I don't I don't think so either. I think you'd be like, holy shit They wouldn't applaud for sure you should be appalled of my balls You really should yeah, that's actually a pretty tight run. Be appalled of my balls. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, I go be a be appalled of my balls and shocked at my shaft. You got to be surprised It's not gonna last I need you to be surprised keep your mouth open wide keep your eyes close inside when I go up and down Oh Be appalled at my balls. Oh So that's gonna be our single

Just I want a girl to be shocked at me That's the best thing you can be you pulled at my balls. There's those smalls All my balls. I have a lot of balls. I have like seven balls and they're all very small Freaky though, it's the size. Yeah, well, it's the size and it's the quality and the quantity of my balls It looks like a bunch of little rabbit turd pellets just attached to his tank Cheers buddy So here's the advice for this guy You tell her as if she should be excited for you, right like great news. Oh, I don't have diarrhea anymore

Bitch, I don't know what the fuck you have Just joking about that Thank you deep pull You tell her the great news and then if she's actually excited for you, that's great She'll she's you made her feel better and if she feels worse He'd be like, oh, why are you madder at you me for being happy? Yeah, don't tiptoe around it just presented like the good news that it is. Yeah, and then adjust your relationship correct Who said pure heart? Thank you, sir

Pure heart rule as long as you do everything with pure heart But what if your heart is molten black like yours like oh, I did it out of the Manipulative monster. That's how I know So is it still a pure heart if you don't have one? Oh, sometimes it's pure. It just changes all the time My heart's my enemy Yeah, you guys are right Um, all right, we got nothing left to say to this dude. Oh Another lady

Chara, that's pretty good. Oh, he's down still after You already got called on you John. I love it. You're you're determined Somebody said Chara Chara Chara You're right. Let's do it He's convincing Chara, let's do it right I've had this friend since middle school We're both now in college and I've always kind of sensed that he might like me

But never said anything because I didn't want to be wrong and ruin the friendship Anyways, the other night he showed up at my house around midnight totally smashed So I brought him inside and he just started crying and told me If you'd just sit on my face I could eat my way to your heart Oh That's romantic Tell them understand that's really romantic He then threw up and left

Oh Now I don't know what to do I think he was confessing to liking me, but then again, he was drunk And after that, I don't really want to go out with him Maybe if he asked me out like a normal person I would have considered it But now I still have to see him a lot because our parents are best friends and we have classes together Please help me so I can keep doing me. Thank you for any help you can offer to the Charla Shara Nice. Thank you, Shara

So What do you think of the line? It's a good line. If you would just sit on my face. I would eat my way to your heart I'm surprised she didn't do it That's a gosh darn Valentine and if you said that drunk imagine what he means sober It's true It's um and then to throw up afterwards He was really meant it. Yeah, he left it all out there

Even his dinner What if she told her parents Just tells her dad and then he had their parents are best friends. He has to tell the other son's father. Yeah Hey, uh, you're uh, so your kid Actually sit. Oh sure. Yeah. Yeah. No, I let me tell you. Okay. He said if I know it's the It's the face thing. Yeah, she's not there. Yeah, I came up with that. You did. Yeah, I Spend that line to him. That's how I married old darling Charla get out here. Come here sit on daddy's face

See how far away his way. Yeah all the way to your thought. I know abdomen. Maybe yeah, there we go But this kid can get to your heart Yeah, here's a question for you. Yes, she's like, I don't know if you mentioned cuz he's drunk when you're drunk And you're yelling is that the truth or the truest truth? Or is it a lying lie really depends on how drunk you are because sometimes you'll get like pretty tipsy pretty drunk You'd be like, yo, I love you and you're like, okay That's the truth and sometimes you get really really really drunk You're like, I hate my family and that's a lie because you're not even a human being at that point

So it really depends how drunk he was so if he's really drunk, he's telling the truth I'll eat my way to your heart. It's too good of a line to not be premeditated He practiced that He wrote that he did it in a mirror. He did Actually practiced eating his way to a couple hearts. Yeah, just to be sure it wasn't an empty offer With a chocolate Easter Bunny at first but then he worked his way up. I Really don't know. It's I feel like it's a good enough line that she should have sat on his face I

Do think it's true love if you want the person to sit on your face I've never just wanted a stranger to sit on my face only people I really care about to sit on what is that? What is it? What is sitting on your face? Is it the vagina or is it the butthole everything? It's One and so much. Yeah, so much wetness moisture. Yeah, it's a mucus Because you know you'd like it if you love the person You love the person you love their stench you love their sweat there's a live of the Jews tripping out of their pussy you do

Everybody's getting uncomfortable, but it's goddamn true So if this girl was sort of put off by it is maybe that's a sign That she should pump the brakes just because she wasn't drunk too and she didn't know if she could trust I can't believe you're taking this guy's side. I think she's got to confront him sober during the morning and just be like hey Would you really eat your way to my heart? Would you start with my fart and make it to my heart? Yeah, that's beautiful Start with my fart make it to my heart. Yeah, I think she should give him a shot. I really do What do you think this is if I were you so what if you were her I

Think if she's a little turned off by it Maybe she should pretend it never happened Maybe he doesn't remember and then see if it comes up in a sober setting. She doesn't have to force any issue I mean maybe as far as he's concerned this never actually went down So she's just suppress it where other terrible memories are and Then when she dies, they'll come out and the bad ones will go to heaven and the good ones will go to hell Yeah, you know how I know I'm learning so much about you You think you bottle up your good and bad memories and that's right good memories good

I haven't been bad ones go to hell. I disagree But I think it's beautiful that you have a faith in your own thing. Thank you. I would yeah I would not bring it up. I would be too mortified to say anything and I would bring it up He said it so like you're allowed to call him out on it. Yeah, I guess those are our two different differing pieces of advice And sometimes that what do you guys think? Is it a nice? Is that a romantic gesture? You're a lady if a guy Drunk only came over to your house and said that to you Would you be flattered as if he showed up with daisies wilting in the rain?

Are you here? Is this your boyfriend right here? Because he was nodding as Amir was asking you that question And this is a really nice little microcosm because me as a dude up on the stage I think it's romantic you nodding along you thought it was romantic too. Do you think it's romantic you would laugh you would Laugh until he puked on your shoes Then would you laugh? No Leaving the witness. What else do you what about you dude? I? Don't give a shit what you think

Yeah, do you think oh? Sean's just deep in your Actually, let me ask more girls because it guys would it doesn't matter what guys think really Where are my ladies at? Where are my ladies at? Oh, how about a round of applause all right? So just the ladies between romantic and this is sweet versus uh, no, that's really weird Okay, so romantic really sweet applaud now Kind of off-putting and I don't want to see this guy ever again applaud now Pretty evenly split not evenly split

Call that an even split And We recorded it we'll listen to the playback Shout out to Phil Fox who's helping us record round of applause to Phil Fox Ladies and gentlemen making sure that all of this gets captured for other people to listen to you greedy monsters other people can hear it Do you want to read a question or should I just keep going sure yeah, I mean I'll read one. Yeah Oh Yeah, he really should be he's not drinking a lot enough of you don't understand my tolerance is a lot lower as than Jake

So I'm actually yeah, so like what you see right now is maybe my tolerance is lower What does that imply that I drink too much of course? You're a heavier and you drink too much. What do you mean heavy you weigh more than me? I'm stronger than you're fatter than me now You're a fatter drunker version of me I've got more muscle you have more fat and you have more whiskey in you always than me currently I'm driving you to drink more Relax mom Just take a pull from the bottle. I really would like to see oh, that's a cool

Can you guys please just take a photo hashtag it on Instagram clam dip I Hashtag howdy hashtag clam dip Good man My peers have pressured me by the way, this is the coolest bottle ever. Have you ever seen the back of it? Oh, well, it's it's engraved with Jake and Amir suck Who made that the people at tumblr. Oh shit. I didn't notice that pretty cool. Jake and Amir suck For us not being good. They printed 2,500 cases of these the Jake and Amir suck variety

Cheers. All right. Here we go. We need another female name. I Like albatica. I heard albatica. That's a beautiful name That's a beautiful name, isn't it? Yeah albatica albatica rights and It's albatica the best font you can name a child I Grew up with the Times New Roman and he was pretty cool. He was really chill. Yeah, he was new and Roman for lack of a better word

All right, albatica rights. Hey guys, so I was feeling pretty down because my boyfriend told me So I was feeling pretty down because my boyfriend never told me I was beautiful It just annoyed me that he never said that if you love someone you should always think they're beautiful So it eventually came out in an argument recently and now he keeps saying it, but it feels so forced Every time he says that I roll my eyes and cringe on the inside because I just don't believe it What can I do? Will it be like this forever? Thanks albatica How'd that have applause for albatica?

That's so rude Why she got a piece so rude doesn't she know he's human too? Human too human. Yeah, the new evolved type of human. That's right It's just mean well I think we we we we it strikes a chord with us as males because I feel like I perhaps have been here before I've gotten to scold it I've been I've gotten I erred In somebody's anger and then when I changed it it just felt forced because it was right because it was then forced

But it was forced because what else can you do? That's the beautiful thing because she was upset that he never said she was beautiful She talked about it and then he changed that's what you have to pay attention to not that it like is forced or whatever He might have always thought it and he changed his ways to please you isn't that nice Embrace that you asshole But it is forced now should she have not it's forced she shouldn't have said any well No, she's allowed to say something it shouldn't come out in argument She should have been gentle and said hey, how can you say I would like it if you do this and then

That's I feel like I'm back in a relationship now I'm smothered But if somebody brings something up and then like you're sort of stuck because if you do it You it feels forced and if you don't then it's like you didn't you didn't learn your lesson Which goes back to pure heart rule and doing something with no expectations at all so This is what happens when you give me too much of this Probably

Yeah So what if let's say you're a girl a Beautiful woman You start fondling yourself. Oh, yeah And your boyfriend ever says you're beautiful even though I am even though you are right one Would you bring it up? If it was bothering me a lot, I think I'd bring it up like it's really bothered something you never say that I'm beautiful And then what if you then it says it every day and then the words lose all meaning I

Guess if he's saying it too much you have to bring that out. You're so nitpicky though. I Really think she has to look at the silver lining here, which is that something bothers her Yeah, she spoke to him about it sure and that thing changed And now maybe she takes that information going forward and rather than letting this come out in argument You can talk to him again because it sounds like he's responsive So it sounds like now she's gonna have to tell him to say right now you can tell she's letting it bottle back up She's like, oh, it's so annoying. Yeah, it makes me cringe every time and it's gonna come out in argument again Oh, stop saying I'm beautiful. It's like what the fuck do you want?

Whoa, that was genuine. I am feel for this guy. I want to go out with him I'm simple man It would be a lot easier if we were gay, huh, dude, I tell you all the time. Oh I don't mean with each other. Oh Right, right, right Just you and Crandis over there I'll take what I can fucking get It just what would you do? I

Mean if I can't even put my my myself in her place I guess stop being cringed out or rolling my eyes. I don't know change your attitude. That's what you're saying Yeah, be different. Yeah That's like that. Yeah, of course Would you be with someone if you didn't think they were beautiful like isn't that I guess you still have to say it Even though it's implied, but if I chose you as a partner, I think you're beautiful. Isn't that not true? I guess I don't know. Yeah, sure Beauty is so weird. I

Think you don't know you're beautiful I don't know and that's what makes you beautiful Everyone else in the room could see it. No, yeah No, I Don't know I'm beautiful They prey on little girls. Can we just talk about that for a second? Yeah They take advantage. All right, so what should we tell this girl relax? Yeah relax chill chill. He's doing it He's doing he at least he's changed which is really the most you can ask all you can ask for for sure

Yeah, I guess if it really bothers you you can anybody out here in a relationship Does your significant other tell you you're beautiful enough? That was about half as many people that were in relationships well This is a good reminder to anyone listening to your girlfriend and she said she was in a relationship and then didn't cheer for the second half You got yourself a problem No, no, no, no do that. All right, we're gonna start fights. You guys you're so Whack-a-mole. Yeah, sure. Okay. Let's next question. Yeah, I was just saying that's a good reminder to anyone listening out there Not necessarily in the room right now

It's great to say you're beautiful to your partner. Just do it now And they'll be like, oh, that's so nice and then they won't know you heard it They won't know that a Jewish man once told you to say it They can't a shifty Jew you're calling yourself a Jewish man now You know, I was bar mitzvah, man. Oh, yeah, you did 13 you deserved it. You were a man then I became one. I was a man then I had braces for two more Actually, that's quite enough. I think you had braces for six more. Yeah, that's right. I'm a man That's how good my teeth are becoming a man. Then the pubes and the braces, of course. All right, then sex

Last but certainly least She was really got it backwards Let's take a break What can we Talk about Anything anyone wants to Here's the deal for you and informed Jake tells his virginity story, which is something of a folklore for some for whatever is it

And he only does it at live podcast tapings and then if you're listening to the audio recording we We cut it off and we go to commercial break, which is like Jake's virginity story Only about Underwear or snacks. Yeah, so let's do that right now. Let's get a round of applause as we go to commercial This show is sponsored by better help Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious Stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that

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Wow, no long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you and that gets you a free Four-week trial free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you stamps.com for sponsoring this show Did you guys not to judge me I like the story actually it gets better with age We have time for one more question. Are you guys okay with that one more question? This one's good we need a guy's name Isn't it crazy how we can't hear anything yeah, I'm deaf. Yeah Oh

I sort of heard leeds L-E-E-N-C-E Did anybody say something like leeds? links Blinks, okay. You said blinks Blinks B-I-L-N-B-L-I-N-X writes So the girl I was texting earlier grade younger dime actually likes me. Let's call her girl one

Another girl is just as pretty but has a better body. Let's call her girl too Anyways, I text both of them all the time and girl one will sometimes just randomly read the messages and not respond I normally don't mind but I'm starting to wonder does this mean she's trying to drop me like I'm hot or Is she just not a person that likes texting and girl two has liked this one guy for a little But he has never even hinted at liking her back Which makes me think she'll drop him and she has told me I'm option numero dose Now my question is should I go after girl one go after girl two Or should I just go after them both and whoever stays with me is the keeper?

I've liked both of them for a while now. Thanks for the help guys. Love bleep blinks Let's go down for blinks Oh, it's so sad Yeah, I want to say it deserves it for anybody that writes an email that's like girl one girl two. Yeah, you're a bad person He also has girl none of them. Yeah. Yeah, it's not girl one or two So both of these girls don't like me. Yeah, one doesn't respond to my text. The other one told me I was option numero dose The saddest way of being confident. Yeah, just speaking in Spanish. Yeah, it's bad like Spanish, but so sad Yeah, I was playing me

Have you gotten this type of stuff on text Jake calm text Jake calm is anybody is We built a website that allows Jake to offer live text suggestions for you So you'll upload your screenshot and Jake will tell you how to respond or start a conversation with a guy or a girl Does this sound familiar to you a guy who's constantly texting a girl and she never responds. He's like, what do I do? well, I think it's just sort of There's like an epidemic of obliviousness where oh, this is your Wall Street Journal article, right? Yeah, of course the epidemic a bullet God, it's a good thing you're a writer. Yeah, that's true. So it's

These people Have no idea how they're perceived by other people. Yeah, why is that? Because they're not self-aware because they're dumb and bad Can you be smart and also not self-aware? Is it the same thing? I think being like I think it comes from like a deep Rooted insecurity, right? They build up a wall. So this guy thinks he's not desirable to anybody That's why he's wondering like well, why doesn't this girl respond to my text? Whatever. It's fine Is she trying to drop me like I'm hot? Maybe she just doesn't like to text and then this other girl Oh, yeah, she told me I was option numero dose. That's great

That's actually really bad If people don't respond to your text and then your other crush likes somebody else That's a bad thing about a different way. I could spin that story. So the his option number one Doesn't respond to him and his option number two called him option number two Your guy to the girl to that's not good So so I think the the real answer is If he's giving us multiple choice. Yeah, it was ABCD none of the above Sure, and he can't go after anyone because no one likes him

Knowing that he knows of sure, but there's hope for him yet. I yeah Can you become self-aware over time like a cyborg in the future gain? Powers that allow yourself to become this way or is it just is it a genetic thing that you either have it or you don't? I don't know. I feel like it's like self-editing, you know Mm-hmm, okay What do you mean self-editing like could you look at something that you wrote down and find the mistakes in it? Oh No

No, I understand what you're saying. You're like, are you able to look into yourself and find your old own faults? Yeah, and see what you're insecure about and check yourself against like the facts and opinions and be like am I Being an asshole right now, but do you think you can look back in time and say oh, maybe I wasn't like that back in the day Or were you always like that it was I always self-aware? Yeah, or have you gotten smarter over time? I've gotten smarter over time, but I'm still a complete moron I the only like the smartest thing anybody can do is realize that they don't know anything and their mind constantly changes, right? Oh, so it's a sort of self-deprecation. I think so if you look down on yourself. I feel like I'm having a therapy session I

Don't actually know anything, but I know this guy's a piece of shit So what would you say is is he should do I? I Think he needs to download tinder and Swipe to the right so frequently just non-stop. Yeah, just wear like a a hole in your screen from swiping right The glass is melting from the heat the friction I want him to get glass slivers in his index finger from swiping so hard a glass What's it called a splinter?

Yeah, yeah, I said sliver the splinter that's sort of they're sort of interchangeable sure sure Do you? I'm trying to even fathom what advice could be that's not you're asking me. I'm asking what do you think? I feel like he has to start from scratch Like like crumple up this piece of paper It's good to restart sometimes a lot of times you have these like lingering Situations and relationships and you can just like all right. Let me start from scratch and see if I can meet I feel like no one's here right now

This is just me and you yeah, why aren't we fucking we should? Would you say that's true? I was lost in your dick Start over option three girl three. Yeah option. Yeah start over You shouldn't be numbering the girls in your life Option one option two although that girl did number you yeah, it's option two really that bad There are seven billion people on earth

So to be someone's number two is actually not terrible Now we're talking about math, so I'm lost But like if a girl came up to you that you really had a crush on and she was like I'm actually really interested in this guy, but once he rejects me. I want you so bad Fuck that Why cuz then you'll forever be like you wish you were with somebody else. Yeah, but then it's like oh you didn't get him So that's not bad. That's the saddest fucking relationship. I've ever heard no because isn't art isn't Isn't wet right? Oh, no melting your number two needs more oil with it than your number two to everybody

Here's an idea. What if we're all number two to everybody and we don't know it yet Every relationship you're in is because nobody else wanted to be in a relationship with that girl or guy That's yeah, yeah True love is not real because I promised you my grandparents were married for 50 years of my grandfather would have fucked Scarlett Johansson If what if she was into all the dudes yeah If she was like yo John your option numero dose he'd be like, okay, let's do this Let me spin this a different way. Would you ever date someone that's been broken up with because in that case you're number two? You broke their mic

How do you respond to that accusation If you ever date someone that's been broken up everybody understand that that's fundamental that's fundamentally flawed, correct You change you change as you grow you like your relationships shape you Just because like somebody broke up with you doesn't mean you're like cast away like not an option It means you have Ended one relationship you've learned and you move on and then you grow and then you're part of something new So you're saying you're always the number one choice and your girls always heard you're saying everybody's always striving to be their best For the person they love and then you don't

Don't know I'm a piece of shit I Don't think because someone has been dumped that they're trashed that just means they now you're putting words in a mouth Are you listening to this? This this logical fallacy. I never said you were you said if you've ever been dumped then you're number two then you Lift your mic over that was a muscle spasm It was an accident What do you guys think is it okay to be someone's number two because all in all there's so many people in the world

And number two is actually not that bad It's great number two a silver medalist I would love to be number two if I was the second best anything in the world And have them all disagree with you actually Everyone in this room not on your side right now, you know what it is I'm I'm I'm representing the quiet minority because I know there are some Soul not in his chair. Yeah, right now this guy's in traffic on the 405 nodding He doesn't know why but he agrees with me nodding hitchhiking hoping he gets home to no one that loves him

Or out of time Everybody in this audience you guys are all my number ones Yes, thanks for coming we're gonna be hanging out outside if anyone wants to like chat take a photo hang out whatever Oh Hello, hi, it's me Ross Matthews America's gay listen. I get it life is hard. Okay. We all struggle boy from problems girlfriend problems job problems life problems Which TV show to watch honey? I get it. You need help. That's why I'm here I'm the gay best friend you wish you had and honey. You know you need it's straight talk with me Ross Matthews

This is tough love, honey, but it's worth it like plucking or waxing get your weekly gay pep talk right here on podcast one calm