If I Were You - 117: Stomping

Episode Date: December 1, 2014

In this episode we discuss fetishes, farts, and falling out of love.This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com, Prosper.com and the movie Unfinished Business.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Jake's back east right now with his stupid family. So it's just me for right now. Jake is actually on it. We recorded it before he left. So that way it's not just me talking for an hour and a half. Though that would be interesting. All right, let's get started. Things got real bad.

Ooh, your situation is sticky and you're feeling blue. Just email in if I were you. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Jake and Amir will give you their advice for free. And change your name to preserve your Adonimity. Just see the cheese, listen to these nutty juice, nutty juice, nutritious snacks and little packs. Nature box, nature box.

Mom, sign it down. Jake will reveal story, sharing, full and true. Maybe this time things will get real on if I were you. Toda, Toda, Toda. Very Toda. To Ilana, Ayla, and Danny. You do love that bulletproof song. I do love it.

You know what? You know why this happened, right? So these are the people we call triplets. The Trips. Yeah, are they actually triplets? Or we just keep calling that? No, I think they're just family. Gotcha.

So it's this triplets. But I don't actually know. It's a group of three talented individuals that may or may not be related, may or may not be fraternal triplets. They recorded a song for us earlier. Then we, during our London live show, they came on stage and performed that song for us

and for everybody in the crowd. They killed it. It was dope. It was a great moment. And then we were hanging out after the show as we all want to do, kissing girls on the lips and then hugging guys a little too strongly. And they came up to us and they're like, thank you so much.

And we're like, oh my god, you guys are great. And they're like, do you have any requests for our next theme song? And then I said, bulletproof. I think it's called Titanium. Wow. Yeah. And then they sent it in.

No shit. It took them this long. No, well, it took us this long to get to it. Took them this long. They actually sent it in like a couple of weeks ago. We just, we had a backlog. OK. Fire away, fire away, ricochet.

We just ruined it immediately. Do you think in light of recent events, the rape allegations, again, Bill Cosby, there are stuff as comedians we shouldn't be joking about? Let's start with sexual assault. Holy shit. Why now while we're recording? That's right.

Would you put me up with? Gotcha journalism. I think I'm ready to do it. I think I'm ready to catch you. Ill-prepared, hungover in bed, asking you the hard-hitting questions. Is what is there? Is there things we shouldn't be joking about?

Did you hear me? Or did you want me to stall? Answer the question. Jesus Christ. How dare you? How dare you? This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me.

I'm Amir. And you only host the show. No, it's just the only one that I also host. Hosted by me. Yeah. It's the, I host it. I host it too. There's two.

At least I'm a forever guest. A forever guest. Kind of like how Andy Richter is just always on Conan. Yeah, yeah, he's not the host. Yeah, but he's just on. I'm your Andy. That's nice. You're so cozy right now.

I really am happy. Are you hungover? I'm a little, little, mildly, whatever. Yeah. Like when you live life this hard, there is no hungover. There's just like, that's my attitude. So like, I'm a little hungover, but more than the drinking, I regret eating a rolled up chocolate chip pancake

in like 1 AM. That's what I shouldn't have done. Right, like, oops, I had a little cheat minute. Yeah. Yeah. You've gained 19 pounds in the last two weeks. Bullshit, really? Fuck me.

I've been trying to go to the gym, man. You think if you were actually gaining weight, you would stop eating so poorly? I have stopped eating poorly. It's like, aside from the pancake, yesterday I had a smoothie for lunch. Fuck's sake. That was nice.

Isn't that enough? I really try to eat slightly healthy. I definitely not on like a strict diet, but yeah. I mean, I noticed I was gaining weight and I tried to cut out the, because before I was just eating literally anything I wanted. But for someone who eats literally everything they want,

you're not gaining, like you're not gaining noticeable weight. I guess I don't gain weight fast, but I was definitely like, I noticed it. I could see myself getting rounder everywhere. I could see like my stomach filling out my shirts. So then I stopped. This is sort of like when I was in high school,

I used to eat cookies every day for breakfast. And then when I noticed I would get a gut, I would just not eat cookies for two weeks and it would go down. And then I would start eating cookies again. That's what you're just, your life as a roller coaster of eating cookies versus not.

It's like, oh, whoa, I should stop eating cookies. And then I'm, I don't for a little while. And then I'm like, oh, I feel good. I feel fit. Now I can. What's the fattest you've been? Well, when I was in college, I weighed like 190 pounds. It's so funny.

It's, yeah. It's like 30 pounds heavier than I do right now. Yeah. Where did it, where did it go? It was all in my waist because I had like skinny, skinny arms and skinny, skinny legs and a skinny neck and a fat and like a pretty like normal looking face. Yeah. Your face doesn't fluctuate that much.

No, I just, it was all in my stomach. Would you say you're all about that waist? All about that waist. That waist. Do you remember the Louis Anderson cartoon life with Louis where he's like a little kid? His dad, the dad in that show just had a huge gut and then legs

that were like spindly thin. That's where you're headed. Yeah, that's me. Yeah. So there, there you have it. So how does it work? How did this happen? I was just put on a, I feel like I've been on blast since this started.

This whole, this whole episode has been a blast off and we're only seven minutes deep. People email us at ifirishow at gmail.com and they have questions. They're in a dilemma, a predicament, a pickle and we offer our advice. Yeah. Perfect intro.

Thanks dude. Pitch perfect. Pitch perfect, which is the movie that titanium is in. Oh my goodness. Ricochet, you take your aim. I don't know. Should I be, no, it doesn't matter. You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.

Yeah. I'm trying to think if it would be more or less endearing if we were better at singing. Like, I feel like if we're good at singing, we sing as much as we did, we'd be obnoxious. Yeah, yeah. We'd be like the musical theater people that went to karaoke and took it too seriously.

Right. But now that we're bad and like unabashed about it. Yeah. We're slightly better. That being said, I do wish you were in four. I don't want to be like, if you're like good singers and like always singing, it would definitely be an annoying question.

Like Ben Schwartz. Yeah, Ben Schwartz, like. He's like a good singer. Right. Like the surprisingly good voice. Like, whoa, I thought you were just funny. And then like, oh wow, you can sing. You have a talent that's singing too.

Right. Yeah. That's sort of like, yeah, that's me. And I, like you could be better singing for sure. What? I have perfect pitch. I'm sort of fucking God, I do. All right.

These are real emails from real humans, but we're going to give them fake names to preserve the anonymity, which we start with. Just you want to give a fake name. What about a singer? Singers, people from Pitch Perfect? Oh, of course. Yeah.

People from Pitch Perfect. Like that girl. Anna Kendrick. Anna Kendrick. Anna Kendrick writes. Oh, gotta find a female question. Oh, here we are. This is a good one.

Anna Kendrick writes, hey guys, love the show. So I'm kind of in a moral pickle. A guy wrote to me on OKCupid and told me he would pay me to stomp on things, wearing high-heeled shoes, inanimate things, like toy cars or apples. He's willing to pay me a substantial amount of money to do this, to just send him videos.

There is no sexual component at all for me. And I would be doing it fully clothed and only my feet slash shoes would show. But we all know what he's going to do with the video. So is this wrong? What if I donated a portion of it to charity? I'll attach a screenshot as proof and then, indeed, she attached a screenshot

of the conversation. And it's a guy saying, apples, toy cars, et cetera. And she says, why? And he goes, why not? I'll pay you for it. And she says, I'm just wondering what it means to you. And he didn't respond. So is it prostitution?

Is it bad? Should she do it? Would you do it? It's not prostitution. Like, porn is legal. So it's not prostitution. It's porn. She's making it.

He's going to pay her to make crushing porn or something. Yeah, but it's not porn because she's not naked. Yeah, it's a fetish. What do you think? I don't think it's like, it's not illegal. It's not morally wrong. It's just, do you want to go down that avenue? Right.

What if your sister? If you don't, I will. I have very feminine feet. Here we go. Send me his contact. Give me an apple. Any apple will do. Troop on a toy car.

Oh, I just twisted my ankle. Fuck me. Send him a receipt for the doctor, Bill. If your sister asked you what she should do, would you say, do it? Which sister? Oh, that's a great question. Hannah.

No, she's fine. She's steady. She has a job. She doesn't need to do that. Sarah. Yeah, sure. Micah. Of course.

In a wig. It also kind of depends on the money. Let's just say, for the sake of argument, it's $500 a video. Would you do it? I mean, I make good enough money with the podcast. I whore myself out in other ways. I don't necessarily stomp on apples,

but I'll stomp on some other messaging. Yeah, I think if I was struggling for money, I would do this. You would. I think maybe the thing that I would do is enlist the help of another friend. And that way, it doesn't feel so dirty. And I'm doing some illicit, strange, sexual thing.

Because even if you're doing it just for the money, it is vaguely sexual. Until you're like, hey, this weirdo on OK Cupid. I don't want to demonize his fetish. This guy on OK Cupid wants me to do this. Will you help me? And then I'll give you a portion of the money. It is interesting, because what he's doing

seems so creepy and bad. But I guess if you keep an open mind about it, he's not forcing this girl to do anything she doesn't want to do. He's paying her for her services. Yeah. So he's almost a nice guy. Yeah. What's it like?

Why not? I'll pay you for it. Like, I don't know, fetishes are so strange, because they start off really innocent. I have a butt fetish that hardly counts as a fetish, because I like butts a lot. And then on the opposite end of the spectrum is people who like to be hit, strangled, people that jerk off

to. But a high heel on a toy car? What is that? I don't know. Maybe it's like about the pressure. I mean, there are people that jerk off to balloons. Yeah. This guy would fucking nut to Godzilla.

Imagine him just like stomping around a city. He can't do that movie. Fuck that. How about a real car? A real car. Godzilla and a bikini. So what would you do if you were him or her? I think if money was tight, I would do it,

and I would own it and tell my friends and have them help in whatever way they could. Yeah. So it wasn't some creepy little thing that was a secret. Yeah. But do it. I would do it, but maybe safely create an email address and do it through that, so you can't trace anything back

to you. Right. That's very true. You don't want this guy seeing you in IRL. Yeah, now I feel weird. What if we're telling her to just engage with a sexual predator? Right.

Well, it feels like a sexual predator, but he's not doing anything wrong. I don't know. I'm confused. My moral compass is flailing about. Yeah, I think now that I think about it a little more, I would maybe not do it. You changed your mind.

I think so. It feels too strange. Like things can go wrong. Like why is this guy not just like, there are plenty of like other actual websites for this fetish. And I'm sure there are cam girls that he could go to and do this too.

So the fact that he wants it from some random OK human person maybe is a little weird. And he gets off to the fact that it's not a cam girl. It's like a normal girl. Yeah, I don't know. How is he going to give you money? I just don't want this girl to get her throat slit. And they're just playing this tape at the trial.

Yeah, do it with a friend. And then click Fuzz, and it's just you on a fucking witness stand. I didn't fucking know your honor. I honestly had no fucking clue. Real quick legal disclaimer, nothing Jake or I ever suggest should be done, actually. It's all for recreational fun and games.

Amir's the host, your honor. I swear, listen to the top. I'm Andy Richter. We even went so far as to claim that earlier in this episode if you'll rewind it right after the ad. I'll still go for this, do it. All right. I'm just worried about how he's going to get you the money.

I don't know how you can do that anonymously. I'm sure that, I mean, there's definitely a way, a money order. What's a money order? What's a cashier's check? I'm just curious as to how different things work. Getting like, I don't know. Yeah, maybe there's, it's too much. Like the risk reward maybe isn't worth it.

Like the reward of, unless it's a shit ton of money, the risk of like him finding you and making you do stuff that you're not comfortable with or stealing money from you. Because he's like, all right, give me your bank account information and I'll send you that cash right over. Or the, I mean, definitely just her making the video and him never paying her. It feels like a distinct possibility.

Maybe she should offer it to a friend, offer the offer to a friend and say, so like the guy says, I'll give you $5 for a video. She goes to her friend and she's like, this guy's offering me $250 to make a video of me stomping on shit. Would you be down to do that? And then just like deal with it. And then if your friend is down,

then you're sort of not really a prostitute. You've become more of a high class pimp. Do pimp's take 50% or is that too high of a cut? No, pimp's, I'm pretty sure take like 90%. It's like the opposite. Yeah, a pimp operates, he gets 10%. Yeah, he's like an agent. Yeah, he's an agent, a talent, a lit agent actually.

Definitely not, he is. A pimp is also like sending you out on general meetings too. Yep. Yeah. So proceed with extreme caution or not at all. I don't know, this is a sticky one. That's why, it was a good email. It was. It was a good email. A quandary we don't even know how to answer.

Here's something a little more cut and dry. We need a guy's name. I believe Adam Devine, Devine is in the movie. Really? So we'll go for that. Adam from Workaholics writes, my girlfriend of just over a year and I have always been able to fart around each other.

It never bothered me at first because her farts were always so tiny. Unfortunately, that's not the case anymore. She farts extremely loudly and still thinks it's cute. I'm completely put off by it. How do I ask her to stop farting without her feeling that I think she's gross and us taking a step back

in an otherwise great relationship? Thanks guys, love Adam. God, that's funny. Yeah. Her farts were always so tiny, that's adorable. Yeah, they were little squeakers at first, little toots. Wouldn't it be cute if she was like a cute little girl and they were big loud farts?

That's kind of cute too. I mean, it's not cute, but it's definitely funny. I don't know. I think it's funny. What would you do? Have you ever been faced with that situation? I mean, I'm pro farting. Yeah, I think, I guess it would be like a,

no, yeah, it wouldn't be that. If it's a great relationship, then I don't think I would be grossed out. I feel like I've almost taken that as a sign in past relationships where like, okay, her farts really grossed me out. So like, now I can see that I'm grossed out by things this person does.

Oh, interesting. So if you truly loved your girlfriend, you wouldn't be grossed out. Yeah, if you truly loved your girlfriend, you could shit on the floor, step in it, and then walk on your face. And you'd be okay. And you would be like, this is adorable.

This is so cute. This is as cute as the tiny farts he used to have, the little tootsers. But because they're gross, I say you can't. It's too late. Just like I said, when a girl says that a guy can't fart around her, I think that's not okay too. I think it's the other way around.

When a girl farts around a guy, that's okay. Yeah, I think you have to look at this as a part, like look how comfortable she is. She's like being her truest self around you. Yeah. And that's beautiful, and that's really nice. I also think she might just be gassy right now. Yeah, she's going through this thing.

Has she changed her diet? Is she consuming more leafy greens, more super foods, maybe like a tenderized kale or like a lot of, like instead of just having avocado salads, so like she's just biting into an avocado. I think I've ever met a girl that had like really loud farts. Hmm, hmm. I met girls that have really stinky farts.

Yeah, stinky. Yeah. Which is definitely worse than loud. Yeah, I often think that my loudest farts are my least. I wonder what the correlation is between, this is why we need better scientists, because like they're fucking busy with this shit. Right, why are silent farts the smelliest and loud farts?

Exactly, why is it, I know if it's a hot, silent, little nugget that seeps out of me, I know that that's going to smell so awful. Yeah. And if it's like a rumbling, then I'm just like, pfft, like boom thunderous, boom clap, it's not going to be clap. It's out of my fart.

The fart goes fart, the fart, the fart, fart, fart. That will not, there's a heatness to it. Those loud farts are not hot. Right, this is the scientist talking about. So in conclusion, A medical conference, so the hotter the fart, the stinkier it shall be. Yeah, it's more of a height, a heat but deadly

rather than a silence. The hypothesis here gentlemen, save your questions to the end. I've had a loud one that smell. Okay, how was the heat on that? Okay, it was hot. It was hot. I wasn't listening to the second part of your lecture, sir.

This is a TED talk. No questions during a TED talk, thank you. Okay, one more question, sir. You want to know my theory? Yeah. Try to stick with me here. Okay. Imagine, and everybody at home if you're listening,

close your eyes, and if you're driving, close them almost all the way. You still need to keep a little bit of your eyes on the road. If you're driving, pull over, shut your eyes. Close your eyes. Your eyes really do need to be shut. Imagine your colon as a cylinder,

perhaps the cylinder of a paper towel, the inside of a paper towel tube. That's a huge hole. Yeah, so that's the cylinder, okay? That's from your lower intestines to your rectum. Okay. And it's filled with a combination of two things, like a lava lamp, gas and shit.

All right. So what do you think would smell more? A colon filled to the brim with shit, except for the tiniest bit of gas, or a colon that's almost entirely gas with a little bit of shit. Oh, dude, definitely the second one. Oh, my theory.

The gas that's a minority in the tube of shit has been overwhelmed by the amount of fecal matter and methane, and that little amount of gas has trapped the aroma of an entire tube of shit. And even though it's a small amount when it comes out, it is gonna be a silent, it is gonna be a small one, it is gonna be hot because the shit itself is your body temperature, 98.7 degrees.

And so those silent hot ones are the ones that have the highest concentration of the stinky odor. And the ones, conversely, the ones that's mostly gas, just air in your stomach, not necessarily stinky because there's not a lot of shit there. And those are the ones that come out thunderously and relatively cool because they're not heated up and absorbing the aroma of the shit in the tube.

I did zone out for a little bit. To be sure. And I'll tell you what, I think you said the whole theory. I said, yeah, you know what, we finished. And then I zoned out for maybe 30 or 40 seconds and you were just saying the exact same thing again. No, I said the opposite one. I was explaining tube A and tube B.

I could have done tube A, you could have inferred what I meant by tube B, but I wanted to be absolutely clear. Okay. I really zoned the fuck out. What were you thinking of? I honestly, I can't remember. What was I even doing? This is what school was to do with tube A.

Doesn't matter how interesting the subject matter is. You're explaining farts, that's fun. It's unique. If it's learning, I just shut off. I can't, yeah, you can't handle knowledge. I don't want it. I don't want your life. I don't want your farts.

So I don't know if there's any scientificians on the phone. Listen to this podcast. It seems like that's correct. I bet money on me being correct. It's definitely an interesting hypothesis to test. I agree that it sounds sound. Now, I will also submit that we have done nothing in this conversation to all this guys.

Absolutely. We just sort of explained how you think farts work. Yeah. The science as far as I know it to be about silent but deadlies. I think we both say this guy can't mention anything. You can't bring it up. Yeah, don't bring it up.

You should swallow your pride. You should choke on the rinds. But I hope that lack thereof doesn't leave you feeling empty inside. Yeah. Basically tell her to swallow her doubt. Turn it inside out. Find nothing but faith in nothing.

Wanna put my tender heart in a blender. What does that mean? The answer is beautiful oblivion. Rendezvous and I'm through with you. Oh, that's what you should tell her. I really think you should rendezvous and get in here through with you. Also, one little option,

if you really can't stand the loudness of your fart. If you can't stand the heat. You start farting even louder and more and maybe, just maybe she'll say something to you. And then you say, you're right. I think we're both over doing it. Why don't we make a pact? How do I tell my significant other to exercise more?

You have to start it and then like, let's do this together. So you have to be as bad as her and then you have to say, let's improve each other together by not farting. As much. Even though I don't think that's... Keeps the romance alive a little bit.

Yeah. I think in a relationship, I would definitely get to the point where I would fart in front of somebody, but never as much as I actually have to fart. I still hold some of them in. Oh, really? Cause I mean like, you,

I don't hold any of them in around you. Yeah. You see how often I fart? Yeah. It's too much. That would not be okay. No one wants to see me fart this much. No one wants to hear and smell that

as much as it happens. Okay. So, but how do you ask a girl to say, you're at 100% full openness. I want you to... You can't. Dial it. Shift the gears a little bit.

I don't think you can, but I also don't think like she, I don't know. I just, it's too late. It's too late. It's too late, baby. No, it's too late. The other thing is that you could stop farting

in front of her. And then she'll be like, never do it. I think she would probably, maybe not necessarily like match that new zero, but like... You'll drag her down. Sort of like when you're g-chatting with somebody and you start capitalizing

and using like proper punctuation. Yeah. You said this before. Humans are energy matchers. They'll do that too. They'll match you. Or at least her farts will shrink. She'll, yeah. To be closer to yours.

Basically, you're trying to create the average between the two. And the less that you do it, the lower she'll have to go. Whatever that fuck means. Yeah. Yeah, sure. It'd be average.

It's a match. You're scratching yourself. In both, in on my ear and my balls. Yeah, you're a monkey right now. That you're trying to... And I have... Yup. Yeah.

Little, okay. Oh, you're eating a flea. Oh, and there's one down here too. You're trying to make it so your automatic nervous system scratches yourself so that it feels like someone else is doing it. Like, it's so automatic. It's like, it feels like it's coming

from an exterior source. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. When in fact, it's still you doing it. Yeah. Sometimes I'll kiss my hand. Yeah. Oh, that feels like love. That's the saddest thing I've ever heard. You'll kiss your own hand because it feels like love.

Yeah, you don't ever kiss your own hand. Everybody out there listening. Kiss your own hand. Open your eyes. That's right. You were so much like I kept them closed. Just kiss your own hand. It's nice.

Oh. It's like physical affirmations. I love myself. All right. Third question. Yeah? Yeah. It's a good promo dude.

Isn't UTK in pitch perfect? Oh, yeah. Foodcrush writes, oh, this one is, this one's a dilly. This one's a dilly of a pickle of a jam. I have a problem I need some serious help with. Two weeks ago, me and my friend were using one of our go-to pickup moves of pretending

to be soldiers in the military on leave to pick up girls. It got me laid, but it wasn't worth it for what my current predicament is. This girl got very attached very quickly and was with me at some point in time almost every day for about a week and a half where I kept up the ruse of being a soldier making up bullshit stories and the like.

Things got complicated when I agreed to go to church with her, it being my first time stepping foot into one. At the end of the service, the preacher guy or whatever he is gave a special dedication to me for my service and I pretty much got a standing ovation and all I could do was play up the hero card. Shortly thereafter, this girl found out that I was in fact not a military man

and through some online stalking, also found out that I have a girlfriend who I am in a long distance relationship with. She is threatening to oust me to her unless I apologize to her whole congregation. The problem is I'm not sorry at all and I don't want to apologize, but I also want to get away with cheating on my girlfriend.

Do I sack up and walk into church and take the public shaming of me or do I threaten to show this girl's very religious father the dirty text she sent me to get her off my case? Thanks, UTK. Good lord. It's a sitcom. You, it really is, it's a whole entire episode

of a sitcom. It's a sitcom. There's even a B-plot. There is. Yeah, the long distance relationship. Holy shit. So he, to recap, lied about being a military man. This girl was so impressed, she brought him to church.

The church gave him a standing ovation. Then she realized, wait a minute, you're not a military man, you're just a regular guy and you have a long distance relationship. Come to my church and apologize to everyone or I'll tell your girlfriend. Yeah. Now he's like, I don't want,

the problem is I'm not sorry. Now he's drawing the line. He's like, I don't want to lie to these people. You've already lied the most to everyone. I think the problem is that you're too scared to go and apologize because he's also like, they gave me a standing ovation and all I could do was play up the hero card.

That means you embrace the standing ovation. You know what he did? That's not all you could do. He cupped his ear and he pumped up the crowd. Come on people, I can't hear you. You started to join USA chant. US, he started a me essay chant. Me essay.

I am Captain America. And you are my worthy servant. You said, I don't know why you're all talking about this Jesus dude. I am your lord. I am your lord and savior. I am your captain. I am Captain America.

You coward, you have to join. I think he has to join the army. You have to become a soldier for this. I think you do. You need to defend America. You need to be in the army of yourself for what you've done. You little shithead.

I support our troops. I say go like, go in, you don't want to get caught and you don't want to like further blackmail her. Just go in there and apologize. It's going to be a funny story. When you're a grown up, it's fun to like have, like you can't get scolded anymore. You can't get in trouble.

He's not like 15 years old where he's going to get in trouble. Just stand up and just be like, I lied to you guys. I only said I was a soldier so that I can fuck this girl. Well, you shouldn't say that. You should just tell the truth. They can't get how, I mean. They definitely can't get, but like.

He can't get in trouble. With this blackmail, like you could go in and apologize. And still, if she doesn't like your apology, she could tell your girlfriend. Or you could, like anybody at this church who finds out that you lied, now they're all loose cannons too. They could all tell your girlfriend too.

So like there's no, you have to break up with your girlfriend. You don't have to do, like the one thing that you have to come clean on, I think, if you want to have a clean conscience is like, get out of your long distance relationship. You can like, you can be blacklisted from this church that you never cared about going to.

And like this girl who's trying to blackmail you, you could be like, actually I just told, the one thing that exonerates you is like, I told my girlfriend everything, sorry. So like, you have no ammo. I'm not gonna apologize to your church. I think you apologize profusely to her, because that's like the real thing

that you should be sorry for. You lied to fuck somebody and then embarrassed them in front of their church and then hurt their feelings by being a liar and also having a girlfriend. Okay, I changed my mind. Don't go back to the church, because then it's just like, you're admitting defeat to this girl.

She's like, now you have to go back to the church and admit, or I'm gonna tell your girlfriend, this girl's not in a good, I don't like this girl either. She's blackmailing him. Look at how scorned she was. Yeah, she was scorned. But then she's like, I'm gonna tell your girlfriend, unless you come and apologize.

Like, what a weird, a blackmail thing to do. Well, you're saying it with that voice and making it all snarky. I'm like, I'm gonna be a bitch to you about this. Think about it as like, I am deeply hurt that I brought you to the community that raised me. My place of worship, because I was so proud to know you. But the threat, the threat is what I don't like.

It's like, you should come to apologize, or I'm gonna tell your girlfriend on you. She's a tattler. It's a bad thing. Take me to church, I worship like a dog on a Saturday night. It's not, that's not the words. I don't know the words.

I worship like a dog at the shrine of your life, I think. Oh, I always thought it was, I, take me to church, I worship like a dog on a Saturday night. I think it's, take me to church, I'll worship like a dog. I'll worship on my knees. No, I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your life, on the shrine of your life, I'm not sure.

Are you looking at that? Yeah. I would be so taken aback if that whole thing was Christian rock, and they got to me. Just like when Creed was popular. Yeah, they lied to me. Wait a second. Take me to church is about actually going to church.

How is that fair? Take me to church, hmm, you were closer. I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies. Oh. I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife. Offer me that deathless death, good God, let me give you my life. It sounds pretty religious.

What does that mean? I found the experience, when he described what the lyrics are, I found the experience of falling in love or being in love was a death, a death of everything. You kind of watch yourself die in a wonderful way. No, just read the artist. You should never read what the artist thinks about the lyrics.

It's just fun to sing it. That's what all the lyrics actually mean. Don't go into church. Don't take her to church. Here's my problem. You, with you, here's my problem with you right now. Excuse. Excuse.

You're making the girl the bad guy for this threat and I think the threat is a bad reaction but it's all like to all of his evil wrong doings. His is bad and hers is possible. His is bad and hers is worse. Oh, it's not. What she's doing is absolutely villainous. She is doing it with a clear heart.

It is premeditated. He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he. My voice gets higher the more angry I get. This is, this is ire right here. Yeah. He pretended to be a hero to have sex. Yeah, and now he is a hero because he got laid. Oh shit, heart-imitating wife.

Tucker Max loving scoundrel. You're a Tucker Min. That's who you are. You are. You are a Tucker Minimum. You're a soldier. You're a soldier in Tucker Max's tiny fake army. Small human army.

Uh, no. I don't think what she did is worse but I do think. I don't, I don't like her. I don't like this threat that she's doing. It's a bad threat. Tell the girl if you want to tell the girl and uh, don't if you don't but don't fucking make him apologize or, or else you'll tell his girlfriend. Right.

Well like that's, she's feeling, I'm not saying that she is correct but I'm just saying you have to look at, I never said she was correct but look at this, like look at where it's coming from. It, she's hurt deeply and she's thinking how can I hurt this guy deeply? I want to like emasculate him in front of the church, everybody that called him a hero and I want to take away his girlfriend. He's going eye for an eye when in fact she should just take the moral high ground and leave him or tell his girlfriend.

Can you imagine being hurt this badly and not taking like trying to get back at the person though? You can't hurt someone without a soul. What are you going to hurt? I feel nothing. Neither highs nor lows. But you're still afraid to apologize to a congregation and lose your girlfriend? Absolutely.

I'm afraid constantly. How can you hurt somebody who's invincible? Don't tell my freaking girlfriend. No. You ass. I liked her. Shit. I'm not enough not to cheat on her, but still I needed her sometimes.

So what is it? If I were you, what would you do if you were the guy? If I found myself in this situation, which I wouldn't, but this is what I would do. I would have a candid conversation with this girl and offer an unequivocal apology and say, I don't think apologizing to the church will do us any good. I apologize to you. I see what the, like I see what I've done wrong. I regret it so much.

Please don't tell my girlfriend. I like don't do that to me. I understand that you can and if you want to, I wouldn't stop you because I've hurt you so badly and you want to hurt me too. So you can, but just know like it's, it would really, it would really destroy me. And I would sit her down and say, I fucking with you, you little stupid ass, I fucking with you. I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck about you or anything that you do. Big Sean said it best. Yes, he always does. Actually, I wonder what those lyrics mean. Oh, they're also about the death of a relationship. Yeah. When he says, I ain't fucking with you or anything that you do, he's talking about

how you sort of lose part of yourself in a beautiful way whenever you fall in love. You die in a beautiful way. What the fuck are you talking about? You die in a beautiful way. You don't know what it is to die, you artist. So my advice is also don't go to church and then it's up to you whether you feel bad enough to tell your girlfriend that you cheated on her or not, which is sort of a basic piece of advice that we can give to anyone.

I would say always tell your girl or don't cheat on your girlfriend. And if you do tell her, but you're not going to, so it doesn't matter. And even if you don't tell her, at least break up with her. Yeah, that'll always keep doing. Yeah. Set her free. What are your thoughts on no longer cheating on her starting now? I eat going forward.

Well, as a person who uses that logic almost on the daily, so much I think I might have invented it. I discovered it at the very least. It's never the last time. Once you do it and you say that, that'll be the last time floodgates are open. Yeah. Because you've like contaminated the relationship and the next time you want to cheat, you'll tap into your head and be like, well, I've already destroyed, like I've already done

it once. All right. This relationship is tainted. And then you do it. You'll feel really guilty in the morning. You say, oh, wow, I'm going to use that to turn around. Yeah. I'm going to.

This is a turning point to be sure. Yeah. This is rock bottom. And now I begin to climb. But the fact is that it's rock bottom and you don't climb. You just sort of like search around rock bottom for another crack you can fall into when you don't find it. You're still there.

Here's one. That's rock bottom, for sure. There's no way it gets any lower than what I'm currently at. Oh, what's this little? Oh, hey. This is a nice little. Oh, no, not again. All right.

This, this definitely feels like the bottom of a rock. I'm getting close to the core of the center of the earth because it's hot here, for sure. The magma is following me alive. All right. Let's take a quick break to thank one more sponsor and then we'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional

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Wow. Years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace.

For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when

you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial, everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. Hey, hey, hey. Hi.

Anything to break about? What's Gucci? What's good? Actually, what's love? Actually, are we? When is this episode coming out? Do we have any shows? I don't know.

We're going to Houston and Austin in January. Austin, January. Those little we'll talk about that later. Call it. You were live December 2nd. This might be after December 2nd. Well, actually, it might be not. So if it's not December 2nd, College of

Imre Live in LA, College of Imre Live, Los Angeles, me and Amir. Yeah, the original duo. The original duo on stage at the UCB Theater, where it all began. Yeah, I guess that's it. Well, how are you? I don't I don't feel like I don't know anything about you. You know everything about me. There's nothing you don't know.

Yeah, I couldn't even keep a secret from me because you're experiencing life with me. Yeah, there's no time that we're apart that I can have even half of an experience for me to keep from you. Wow, you're right. That is that's great. No, it's not. You're saying it makes it sound like you don't like it, but it is good.

I wear your relationship like a layer of my skin, like it's an epidermis. I can't I can't shake it even if I wanted to. And I am unlike a snake, the snake you are. I can't shed my skin. Well, easy does it because I don't want I think all you said was positive until you sort of know all of this is bad. Describe me as all of this is bad, but that's kind of cute. That's the nice.

That's the nicest thing I've called you. The fact that I called you something vague like a snake is so much better than what I actually are. We are we are walking around through life like conjoined twins. Yes. Yes. Our life is a separate heads, but I think we share a heart. We don't. We get yours is black like tar.

Yeah, we go through life like a three legged race. And I'm tied to you and I don't want to. And it feels like a noose. Well, it's strangling me. And the rope is burning against my ankle and I have nothing. I can't do anything about it because I'm stuck with you. Do you want to move out? I want to, but I can't.

Why not? I feel like you'll chase me down and you won't allow it. You would love that, wouldn't you? No. What would you do if you walked down the street and I didn't walk out? Oh, my God, I would. I would I would throw myself in a truck right now if it meant you would jump with me and die with me.

Wow. I have to carry you down. That's a Romeo and Juliet shit. I love that. It's romantic to me short. Actually, every relationship is a lot like the death. Have you ever heard this song? Take me to church by Hosier.

Yeah. Take me to church. I worship like a dog. Get the shroud of your life. Last question real quick, real fucking quick, because we're getting I feel like one of the most the most song references we had. And I don't know if we listen to we listen to the radio. I don't know if you guys can tell, but all of the most popular songs on the radio are also in our head.

They're just constantly floating through our headspace, like ghosts in an abandoned church, just like each one dipping up into the sunset and then coming back down. And it just takes half of a word to trigger it. Yeah. And we can't not sing it. It's really self control. Skyler Aston writes, Hey, guys, let's jump right into it.

My girlfriend of five years, we're both 20, is currently studying abroad in England for a year. I'm writing from Australia, six months into her time there. And it's only with this distance and time zone gap that I realized that I don't want to be with her anymore because she's insanely jealous and argumentative. How do I break up a five year relationship long distance? And how do we stay friends because she's pretty chill a lot of the time and probably my best friend, I guess. Love Skyler Aston.

She's, she's argumentative and insanely jealous, but she's pretty chill. She's my best friend. More or less she is my soulmate. She is a soulmate to me and a best friend to all. She is quickly angry at me often and she is suspicious and anxious about all of my activities. She is my best friend, the light of my life. How do we stay best friends even though I don't want to be with her because she's mean but she's very chill?

I'd like to break up with this coward and keep her into my life, keep her in my life because she's also a hero to me. The tough thing to hear little baby boy is that you don't want to have anything to do with this girl. You want out of the relationship completely. And then I think every time somebody realizes that they backpedal a little bit. Yeah, like, well, I don't want to cut her out of my life entirely. No, she's, we've had good times. She's my best friend.

But no, those times are over. That was from when you were 15 to 20. Now you're in Australia and she's in England. Be single, let her be single too. Free her from her jealousy and argumentativeness. If anything, it's easier to break up with someone long distance because they're so far away. You just, you hop on a Skype chat, you have video chat. FaceTime is very easy, very relevant with a good Wi-Fi connection.

It's crystal clear. You sit her down, you say, how's it going? I don't think we should be together anymore. And she's like, well, why? I can't believe that. And you're like, yeah, I know that's exactly how I feel, unfortunately. And now, since you're 21,000 miles away from me, you can't really barge on over. I can't confront me face to face.

There's a distance between us. This is what I think. And that's the end of that. Right. I would do it a little more emotionally. Of course. A little, because I feel like if someone broke up with me like that, I would fall apart. And you don't want her to fall apart.

I think you still want it. You want to do it in a way that makes her feel strong and independent and like she can still have a good time in England. But it's not terrible to break up with someone long distance. No, I don't think so. I just think, of course, you want to do it tactfully. Because what's the alternative staying with her until she comes back in another six months? What are you supposed to dedicate another six months of your life to this relationship that's already fallen apart?

Sure, don't do that. It'll be tough to get over any relationship. But I think like, you know, do it over video chat the best that you can do. Yeah. All right. There you go. Be strong. Be strong.

If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions, we start in every episode with an original theme song written by our talented fans. The email address for everything is if I were you show at gmail.com. If I were you show at gmail.com, we're also still using your original artwork. If you have a thumbnail that happens to be in the resolution of 600 by 315, we'd really appreciate it. Same email address if I were you show at gmail.com. That first opening theme song was written by Ilana.

Ila and Danny. And this closing one is written by and performed by Sam Hyber. And he has his own SoundCloud. If you go to soundcloud.com slash hyber dash tunes. Cool. Thanks guys. Thanks for listening and we'll be back soon. Bye.

If you want advice, then you have best be saying please. There should be a second verse because like Jay Hurwitz, I am slightly insecure. So I won't keep rhyming. Hey, it's Emily from the Sections Emily podcast. My podcast is all about helping you get the relationship and sex life you deserve. For over 10 years, I've helped millions of people get what they want in and out of the bedroom.

On my show, you'll learn sex tips, relationship tips, and I guarantee you will be more confident, get more and give more pleasure and have better sex just by listening to my show. That's Sex with Emily on podcast one. That's O-N-E.