If I Were You - 119: The Wolf

Episode Date: December 8, 2014

In this episode we discuss good hobbies and bad friends.This episode is brought to you by Casper.com and DraftKings.comSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

🎵 Yeah, I want you in a sticky situation Jake and a man put your ass on blast Now don't go making a fuss And since shit's hosted by us Yeah, listen to the one and only advice podcast 🎵 Welcome to the podcast show 🎵 Check it and it will make you

🎵 If you're feeling hashtagged or old 🎵 Take a break and let them make you What genre of music was that? Bond, James Bond Oh yeah So it was like cool electric guitar Right Yeah, it's like

🎵 And then just like 🎵 It would be me in a tuxedo walking around That sounds nice And you're in your underwear eating cottage cheese out of the container behind me What Bond movie is that? It's uh, you play like this very You play like Bond's lazy roommate

slash cousin What's his name? Gary Bond Also are they related? Yeah, they're cousins Oh right, sorry Cousin slash roommate So

Got it James and Gary Gary Bond That was written by a guy named Amir Can you imagine that? An Amir so talented he can make that song It's crazy But it's Amir with an E

Ah, that explains that Yeah If only his parents had a different name for him He wouldn't have been able to do that So thank you Amir Iqbal for making that cool theme song for us We, I wanted to

you to We were just about, we were talking right before we recorded and I said oh, this would be an interesting conversation for the podcast You walked into my room where we were recording and as a joke I hid behind the door and I yelled boo at you

and you almost dropped your phone No, that was the, I wasn't even afraid Don't misrepresent me But you did, you were on your phone I was on my phone and I like made a joke about if I was afraid and I dropped and then the question is

if I yelled boo and you dropped your phone, your new phone and it cracked and it broke Is it my fault or do I owe you cash for it? I really think, yeah, I think it's a discussion because it's really interesting because it's not like you dropped my

phone because then it's like of course I'll pay for it, I'll give you money I didn't hit it out of your hands Physically It really could be a stalemate But I did force you to drop it It's on me that I dropped it

but I was afraid and I reacted in a way that broke my phone What if I didn't try to scare you What if you were just accidentally scared by me and it caused you to drop your phone Am I still responsible? I think this is what would happen If I did it to you

I would get you a new phone and if you did it to me I would get myself a new phone Either way, you're getting a phone Also, if you did it to me, I would sue You have sued me a lot There's several pending class action lawsuits

against you That's a lawsuit The state of California versus Jake Hurwitz That's me That's my nickname in court I call myself the state of California, baby So, this is If I Were You the only advice podcast on the whole internet

hosted by us I'm Amir I'm Jake What do I say now? Do I describe the show? Or do we do other stuff? Usually we tickle each other for a bit I have amnesia

and you're teaching me how to beam me again And then what do I say? And then you tweet a picture of your penis and you give me money Right now during the show I do that Every single episode Why do you want me to shame myself

before I give you cash? I think it'll be silly Why do I get kicked off Twitter for that? I think you're allowed to post pictures of your penis on Twitter Yeah I think you're allowed to post nudes Can you? I don't know

I've definitely seen them on there No, I bet you can't because then there would be a lot more If you're a porn star or a nude model on Twitter wouldn't a lot of people just post their photos on Twitter? Yeah, porn stars post nude photos on Twitter

You're not on Instagram? You're not allowed to on Instagram So you're not allowed to on Instagram but you are on Twitter? I don't know Maybe there's just more It seems like it wouldn't ever be encouraged I don't know

This is why we're losing to China I swear dude Because they let people post on nude things Yeah, on Alibaba You can go on Alibaba That's why I bought that Alibaba stock Because you only invest in things tangentially related to tits

I've got one stock Oh, you have one share I have a bond You have a single share of Alibaba and one US Treasury bond a T-bill, a five-year T-bill And then stamps Yeah, what I'll do is I'll...

They'll never depreciate Of course they will What? That's the stupidest thing They'll never depreciate Yeah Yeah, 33-cent stamp Those that money will be worth less

than five years Right, but the stamp will always be worth the same But the value of the stamp will go down Well, sure Sure So why even buy the stamps? By the way, you have so many stamps in your room Real quick before we get into the show

Doesn't this seem like an article you would see on the front page of a fluff site like Yahoo News or maybe Buzzfeed It's like, Guy sends a hundred envelopes with stickers instead of stamps Click here to see how many got returned to him That's interesting

So you just buy stickers You don't even buy... A stamp is basically just a sticker that says something on it Right So what if I just put on an envelope It doesn't have to scan anything? I don't think so

I think I could just put a little dinosaur stamp on an envelope and give it to the... Is a postman really going to be so busy making sure this one letter doesn't go through? I don't know, it's just a little life hack for you guys It's fun to try

Buy stickers People's rent checks are just lost in the mail forever This episode is brought to you by stickers.com The only way to send stickers online So how does this show work? People are in need of our advice so they'll email us

at ifirushowatgmail.com We read through these emails and we answer a few of them on the show We dispense our advice on the podcast Thoughts? That was actually really nice It wasn't as brief as it could have been

No, but it was conversational in tone It explained the story Yeah So if you have your own questions you can send them to ifirushowatgmail.com As for now Let's fucking get this party really started

Thank you These are real emails from real people but we're going to need to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity Okay What are you thinking? Well, why don't we do

people from the football game we were just watching Oh, it's going to really show how last minute we recorded this show but I guess that's kind of cool True It's like you're listening to this and we spoke it seven hours before

Yeah, this is like borderline live Yeah This is as close as it can get Except for when we have a live show For instance, in Austin For instance, in Houston January 24th and January 25th I'd asked them at the North Door

and at Houston as part of the Come and Take It Comedy Festival Alright, first question comes from somebody we'll call Marshawn Lynch Very nice

Beast Mode writes Hey guys Love the show I'm super excited to hopefully see all live in Austin Oh, at the North Door That's right I have a dilemma though

I've been dating my girlfriend for around nine months and everything is going well except for one thing I don't like her friends They are obnoxious and aren't intelligent academically or socially

I've tried giving them a chance but they just grind my gears I can't understand how she continues to be friends with them My question is this Should I say anything to my girlfriend about how I don't like them or should I just remain quiet

and bend over and take it Also, any other ideas you have would be helpful Thanks for your help Love Marshawn Lynch Marshawn Lynch I've never dated someone whose friends I hate all of them

Doesn't that just mean that that person is bad? What are the odds there's one cool lady in a group of so many terrible people? I think if you hate like ten people then you are hateable

You're the bad too You're the bad But also like what are you talking about? They're not your friends Should he say anything to her? Like he's going to break her the news I'm sorry to tell you this honey

but your friends are bad They're bad so don't be friends with them and then I'll have my friends and you and you'll have me and no one and I think that's good Alright good talk slaps her ass She giggles

Hey you're going to stop seeing your friends What are you talking about? Well they're not intelligent socially Or what? And that really grinds my gears You know that Academically The way they're not intelligent

academically or socially Yeah I looked at it Doesn't mean to be socially intelligent Like you know like being able to hang out in a group setting and not like out yourself as a weirdo Uh huh

Like if you're like a cool person that gets along with everyone you have great social intelligence I see Yeah So like I'm like in the middle like I can't

if I'm not having a good time I show that on my face Right But then like you know some of those people are like oh this is such a good guy he can hang out with anyone he's so fun and friendly

Yeah very easy Yeah Like who's an example of someone like that in your life? George Basil Yeah he's like sort of just a happy chameleon Uh huh

So you put him in a group of like sports fans he can like get into it be interested you put him in a group of like movie nerds music nerds he's socially adaptable

very socially intelligent Yeah And then so who's an example of someone that you hate like someone that you think secretly you've been uh

feeling or harboring ill will towards that they don't know but ideally they listen to the program so like this is your Right Like I would say John Wolfe

Really? Yeah so John Wolfe at our office That's funny because that would have been that's fine too I know I saw what you when I said

John I said I'm not Wolfe at the same time Yeah You started a howling and then you knew Yeah So he's a he's a complete idiot

He's a moron Well he's not just a moron I think a moron lets him off the hook too much Yeah Because I think he makes decisions to be bad That's what I think

Oh so moron is sort of blissfully ignorant and we're talking about Yeah I think a moron can be happy He's a He's a misanthrope on purpose You know I've actually

seen him um Rob Rob Charities How so? That's actually his nickname Rob Charity Hey I'm Rob

Rob Charities Oh that sounds nice but now that I think about it Rob Charity You Rob Charities No um at McDonald's John Wolfe

um will just like take the Ronald McDonald's Oh out of the the coins He'll put it like he'll put um a little piece of gum

on the tooth You know what he does He gets coins out He also has dummy dimes Yup So like those things at the supermarket

where you have to like it's the march of dimes you put in dimes Yeah He'll spend thousands of dollars making dummy dimes It's crazy They think it's filled up

so nobody else can donate and then they go to cash it in Yeah And it says like it is a picture of FDR he gets it engraved but on the back

it says you've been had It's crazy Yeah I've seen him at a bar 100% on purpose cause he'll do this regularly Sure

Um as soon as somebody like you know someone's carrying drinks back to like a table of friends Oh yeah Like a friendly person just bought their friends around a shound

Yeah He'll back up like look at them and then back up really so they'll drop all the drinks all over the floor Oh so they have a tray of like And then he'll say

I'm so sorry I'm so sorry Um let me get you let me get you another round And then what does he do And then he's like you guys are sitting over there I'll bring it over to the table

and then he'll just never he'll leave the bar Oh my god So like he'll drop all the drinks on the ground and then lose their spot at the bar

and then not get drinks You know what else I saw him do What And when I went to when I went to college a lot of times people would do hunger strikes

like socially outraged at something he would sit on campus and he wouldn't eat Right So Wolf walked by one of these guys and he

he had these empty wrappers of fun-sized Snickers Uh-huh and he would like toss them next to him Wow And then he'd call the like a police or a newspaper source

and be like Try it out Yeah What is that You ate that fun-sized Snickers To undermine his Yeah

To undermine his point of view Exactly For sure You've been eating snacks and you're a little chocolate on the guy's face or on the side of his lip

Absurd Yeah Absurd that he would do that So So Basil on one end And then Wolf You know I've also seen Wolf

Oh yeah You know what He will sometimes just go to like a little league football or baseball game He's been no single person there You've seen both

Yeah he's seen both He'll just sit on the bleachers wait for a car to like pull up like a dad late for his kids game Oh yeah And he'll run to the car

and he'll say I'm so sorry I'm so sorry it happened in the second inning What happened Your son We had to take him to the hospital And he'll

get in the car with the dad He'll drive to the hospital together Holy shit Yeah And then once they get there John Wolf will just

He'll He'll He'll open the door He'll rob the dad Why does he take him to the hospital It's crazy He'll

He wants the dad to be panicked and like thinking about other shit Well that makes a lot of sense He told me that one time he actually set up a dummy infirmary

that he took the dad to He's into dummy shit Yeah He has a lot of Dummy times and a dummy infirmary Yeah So he set up this

whole fake set and he had a doctor and a nurse and he even like an entire like EKG monitor and he even hired a dummy

a dummy child Right A deaf diamond a dumb and blind blind kid And the kid just lied down he put a blanket over everything

except for the feet and he wheeled past the window like the parents were just like floor Yeah they were flipping out and I'm like what do you get from this

do you get cash and he says sometimes I do sometimes I rob charity and then sometimes a lot of it is just me being a public nuisance a dickling

and a chaos creator Yeah and then I'll howl at the moon and he'll say I am John Wolf How is he still around how is he still alive how is he not in jail

It's crazy Because technically none of the things he's doing is illegal That's like another Dummy Dimes Dummy Dimes It's counterfeit money

Yeah of course But he's not spending Also robbing people Yeah He said that He did That's true And the emotional trauma caused

by telling someone that they should do it for that Yeah for sure So what should this guy tell his girlfriend Oh I forgot that's even happening Just you don't have to

hang out with them they're not your friends Okay Alright next question Alright One time I saw John Wolf Shova bystander An innocent bystander

Question number two comes from a lady Who What football player has the most feminine name Is Fleener's first name Casey I think it's Kobe Oh that's pretty

Kobe Fleener Yeah That could be a girl's name Alright Hey guys Love you and love the show I was hoping you'd be able to give me some peace of mind

I recently got back together with an ex Maybe a good idea Maybe a bad one But I digress We've been back together for a month and a half and I feel like things

are going really well We've even decided to be exclusive again and be boyfriend and girlfriend Here's where things get sticky I've noticed that my boyfriend has both

OkCupid and Tinder on his phone This isn't exactly strange since we originally met through Tinder The problem is I find it weird that Apple has both apps on his phone

even after we've decided to be exclusive And no I didn't find it through snooping He was showing me a picture and I saw the apps I didn't say anything

and he didn't either Am I being too sensitive He's a friendly person but if he's trying to make friends I feel like it isn't through a dating app Please help

I really love this guy and I don't want him to think that I'm being suspicious Thanks guys Much love Cody or Kobe Fleener I just want to say

on the hottest day of the summer this year John Wolf went to a crowded pool and pooped in it What did he do? He shit in the pool Everyone had to get out

Everyone was peaceful cooling down Yeah and he shit in the pool He actually passed the buck onto a like

75 year old Oh, lady a lap swimmer and she was she was banned from the pool the rest of the summer She eventually

died because she wasn't getting any exercise She became diabetic and died Well that's the crazy thing and then they suspected Wolf and they tested the feces and it was hers

He must have He tampered with the evidence I don't know dude or he got the shit and he like literally dumped it Like he took it from her toilet He took it from her toilet

Fucking sick He's so conniving Yeah It's like and it's like all he does all day is a scheme and plot

Yeah He's diabolical He's diabolical That's what he is Yeah, it's what it is It's exactly right He's the Joker He's a villain

Yeah He's a social villain for sure Uh So this guy this guy still has Tinder How long have they been back together? A month and a half

Oh yeah, no, that's bad I love that this girl is so sweet She's like I don't know maybe he's just using him to make friends Oh

Honey No one makes friends on Tinder No We don't make friends No You never make friends

even in life let alone on OK Cupid Right Yeah, no I'm not here to make friends You know what he probably Well, OK Well, there's two layers

There's one that he's actively using it which is really bad and then there's one where he keeps it on in the background because like he's like I'm gonna break up soon I might as well like keep getting those swipes in

so that when I'm done I got this pool a reservoir But then there's also I mean personally this would never happen to me

Of course because I keep my phone clean You know But you like you'll meet people that have just like pages and pages of apps Yeah

I would say let's go on the pages If he's got three pages or less of apps break up with him Oh So if you

But if he's got like four pages or more then I think he just maybe didn't delete it yet Oh What if she just checks can't she see how often he uses it

when he was last logged in Well, I think if you log in it'll say last logged in just now Right But what if you're on OK Cupid and you check some like from somebody else's OK Cupid profile

you search for him and then it says the last time you logged in Or you could also just log into his Tinder and see how many like how recently

he's had a match Oh, that's good Or you can delete Tinder and see if he questions you about it I think I would ask him about it That's probably the the most the best

direct way to do it is like Hey I got to talk to you about something It's in my head I want this like if we're going to give this relationship another shot

which we are I guess Yeah Let's put everything on the table Why you still got Tinder Why you still got OK Cupid and then see what he does

with that Yeah If he acts like super caught he'll get really red face really quickly Right I mean Wolf did the same thing he was somebody's best man

at the wedding Dude, I've seen Wolf He downloaded Tinder on his phone Yep On the bride and the groom's phone Swiped for a while too

He even like had some matches It was damning to be sure And then they both find out about the other one And that's not the first time in the fucking crazy thing He downloaded Tinder

on his mother's phone Oh my gosh And told his father about it Oh my gosh If you can imagine Oh my gosh Yeah I can only imagine

because we're talking about the same guy Yeah Yeah This vigilante This social vigilante This werewolf This man

This coward man This yellow man So you say This chicken man This chicken human So you're saying to confront him about it Yeah

That's I say confront him about it But also I stand by my If he's got a lot of apps and it seems like he's not like just

you know doesn't really do a lot of maintenance on his phone then maybe it's not a big deal at all and you shouldn't even like I think Tinder's a bigger deal

than OK Cupid Yeah I mean OK Yeah OK Cupid you just sort of keep it running in the background of your life Tinder you gotta really

be actively swiping That's true And I mean like I feel like you're pretty aware when you have Tinder It's one of those apps that's just like at the forefront of your mind

when you unlock your phone Instagram, Facebook, Twitter Do you think it's a necessary thing if you're in a relationship to delete those apps? Yeah Well I mean what's the point

of having them? Exactly Yeah It's only temptation Right I mean I think it's yes of course it's like a sign of

disrespect to the person Tinder is basically saying I'm still on the market Yeah It's an app that broadcasts that you're a single available person That's a wolf move to be sure

Oh yeah Classic wolf Actually there's another question about temptation I think I think I think I hope

Oh no But we do have one more about about marriage Good That's what made me think of it It's another female It's another feminine a name

Russell Wilson? Oh no I would say that's a objectively male name Hmm Hmm Okay What about a Cody Parkie?

Yeah He's the kicker for the Eagles His name is Cody and his last name is Parkie What about Mark Sanchez? That's also very Exclusively male Okay

Okay Okay Or you apologize or that's a stupid thing you said You're not apologizing or saying You're not showing any remorse

So you want me to say sorry and say it's okay Yeah That's actually just a masculine male Alright Alright Or you apologize

Yeah Yeah what? Yeah yeah Alright Jesus Christ I'm sorry Someone who I considered Sorry

Cody Parkie writes Someone who I considered a very good friend just got married They had a multi-year engagement and during that time we have discussed her wedding and attended the wedding

of other friends together I assumed that since we've been friends for over 10 years that I would be invited Wrong I was on Facebook chat and received a message of her double checking my address

so she could send me her wedding announcement I was psyched until I realized that an announcement isn't the same as an invitation I know that times are tight and that weddings are expensive I have just always considered her

someone that would be invited to my own wedding so it stings to be snubbed I'm in the later half of my 20s so I want to be an adult about this Should I send a gift when I receive the announcement? Should I confront her

and say how much it hurt not being invited? Has this ever happened to either of you? What would you do? Love Cody Parkie Mmm

So she's getting an Is that a I didn't even know that I've never gotten a wedding announcement That's strange Is there a chance that she's wrong and she is invited?

I feel like there is Can I have your address? I want to send you a letter that says I'm getting married and that's that I don't think that Wait, look at that

wedding announcement Yeah, that seems weird Wedding announcement versus invitation Yeah I've never I've I've heard of Save the Dates

but that's also a precursor to the invitation versus wedding announcement versus invitation Let's just assume for a minute that she's right Oh, wedding invitation etiquette

Announcements versus invitations Those are two different things You order a wedding announcement card at the same time you order your wedding invitation cards to save on expenses but you do not send out the wedding announcements

until after the wedding has taken place Oh, like the wedding already happened So she is She says I want to send you a letter that says

I got married Like the wedding happened and let me send you something that says I got married That's so That's an insane dick move Why would

But here, like why would you have it seems like there wouldn't be two camps like I'll invite these people to the wedding and everyone else I'll just tell

Yeah, it's like instead of Facebook it's like an announcement by the way I got married Well, but why would you just I feel like if there's somebody that I'm close enough

that I want to tell that I'm getting married I would invite them to the wedding Really? So everybody that you'd want to tell you would invite that's not true Anyway, anyone I would want to tell

like in a sort of fancy way like that If I ever get married I would like post it online or something Yeah And then I wouldn't mail everyone who wasn't invited

a letter saying the party was dope We're married We're so happy And y'all weren't invited Nor missed I can't stress enough that everyone who we wanted

to be there was there And we weren't wanting for anyone No We didn't miss a single soul But like also weddings are it's so weird

because it's like that's somebody else's thing Yeah I know it's so small that you would feel slighted I understand that you do but it's like

this is your world where you were invited to a party but this your friend is getting married That's insane It's such a huge undertaking And there's one tiny little thing You're gonna make her feel bad

What she should be but maybe not right now Right So I think we should say don't send a gift But also Especially if you're mad Yeah, you don't have to send a gift

if you weren't invited Giving someone a gift is like thanks for paying for my fancy dinner that night You paid $180 for me to be there So I'm gonna give you a gift that hopefully reimburses you

for a certain percentage of the cost Exactly So no present No gift But also no anger No confrontation Oh yeah

You can still be angry You just shouldn't bring it up Right Bottle it up And maybe you don't have to invite her to your wedding now Oh, that's good You just save some money

There we go You know Wolf sent out that wedding announcement For the couple that had just broken up The guy got caught cheating on his girlfriend He'll often do things like that Right

And so he'll just investigate do a little completely private eye like unpaid snooping really And he'll find out a couple that just broke up in a very public

embarrassing shameful way And then he'll And then he'll send out And he'll photoshop wedding announcements And he'll find out who their friends are Dark attitude

So much So much effort to send out a wedding announcement So that then as they're going through this horrible emotionally

destructive thing they're also fielding calls and emails of saying congratulations on And they probably want space but in this time they have to be together to deal with this crisis

Right Exactly and they cannot be our nightmare be our nightmare bullshit that he is just like and he's like a master puppeteer

And he doesn't he doesn't get off to seeing it because he's never even there like he doesn't know this couple Right He's not experiencing the fallout

He's often busy planning his his next con his next con his long con short con it doesn't matter He doesn't even see it

he just likes in the back of his head knowing that he he's an agent of chaos He created this chaos He'll start a forest fire and walk away because he's hungry

like John Wolf Let's take a break and then come back and answer one last email This show is sponsored by BetterHelp Thank you, BetterHelp If you're a friend

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All right, we're back. We mentioned we have the shows January 23rd. No, January 24th in Austin, January 25th in Houston. A Texas two-step. For sure. Anything else we should mention on this program? Oh, didn't you wanna mention that you can watch Peter Pan on NBC?

Oh yeah, cause we were assholes and we didn't... Talk about it. Yeah, Allison's like so good to us by coming on our podcast. And we pair back by doing nothing ever. Yeah, it sounds like they got a lot of viewers anyway. Yeah, they actually ended up getting millions of viewers without our help.

For whatever reason, the whole thing went off without a hitch, even though me and Amir didn't promote it. It was able to be viral even without our tweets. But if you did miss Peter Pan live, Allison Williams, who's been on this show before, was on it and played Peter Pan. She was actually, she was the titular role. Our friend Allison was in it.

She was in that one. Who was she? She played one of the boys, the lost boys. The main pan. Yeah, yeah, Peter Pan, the green one. Of course. The one that like doesn't grow, I don't know. Right, well, the play is named after that character.

Her, yeah. Oh, that's so weird. That's a funny little coincidence. Right. So she plays that one. And you can watch it on NBC.com, you said? I think it's on NBC.com, yeah. So there's still time to watch and support Allison Williams.

It's never too late. We're sorry we didn't say anything before the show. We were so high last week. I know, dude. We were on a spake. We smoked at joints. Yeah. We each ate a little, a pot.

An edible. Yeah, an edible coffee bean. A pot, edible, yeah. It was a little espresso bean. We went Dutch on an espresso bean. We ate it lady in the tramp style, with our teeth so close together. That we eventually nearly kissed.

But definitely Frenched. We definitely. Our lips didn't touch, but our tongues did. Yeah, we were tongue licking each other, to be sure. What was I gonna say? Oh yeah, the laced treats actually reminds me of the time that Wolf set up that bake sale. Oh, yeah.

Of course. He didn't even donate it. He just, he literally started a bake sale. And urged so many people to bring stuff and bake stuff for it. And he replaced all the treats. So he would throw away the fresh brownies and cookies. And replace it with his laced food.

That's interesting. I just realized, I was thinking of a different bake sale scheme that he did. Oh, really? Where he actually made an amazing, it was an amazing dish. It's like a tons of sweet treats, delicious food. And all the scientists said, it's for a good cause.

It's for a good cause. So people really supported it. He raised over $1,000. But then he ended up donating the money to the KKK. So he did that. Yeah, I took an ad out in the newspaper to say like, and I'm like, you know, there are pictures of people supporting it.

Giving money. So it's like it defined characters in his local community. So like, these are the people that went to the KKK bake sale. Such a dick, dick, dickling move. It really is. That actually, it's so weird you bring that one up. Cause then it jogs to my mind,

yet a third bake sale scheme. He was on that tip for a bit. He went through like a phase or something. He heard about a bake sale, like a neighborhood bake sale to raise money or awareness or something for like a, they wanted to turn like a firehouse into a public space. So they were raising money to like,

make enough rent to save the firehouse. That's really nice. That sounds like a good cause. This one is super subtle. It's like almost nothing. But he, that's almost what makes it. Everyone's selling these baked goods and he showed up.

He showed up with 10 pizzas. And I guess- Just like undermined. I don't think it's undermined. I think more like he wanted the person in charge to have to tell them that they couldn't sell pizza cause it was like a bake sale. So like, it was such a small thing

that he like wanted to put this to the organizer in a weird- Yeah, just make them a little uncomfortable. Exactly, cause you feel bad. He spent a lot of money on the pizzas, which he did. And then, but like, you can't just sell pizza slices at a bake sale. And actually I did, I heard about this,

maybe not from you, but another one of our mutual friends. Cause when he was told, eventually, you know, the person was very kind. They said like, you know, we can't selling this. He, he walked, he threw them all out in a trash can in a big display. And then like angrily stood around, brooding nearby the bake sale.

He didn't leave the scene. No, he didn't just go home. He like, he like, and this is the, even the craziest part. He brooded for like maybe an hour. Oh gosh. Then he stormed off in a huff. Everybody felt relieved. 20 minutes later, he came back

and everyone was like a little fearful that he came back to hurt someone. He had two pizzas, didn't he? Yeah, he was wondering. He's like- He came back with a calzone actually. Said, maybe this will do. And they felt too bad to like tell him to turn around.

But the calzone was laced. It was laced. And it ended up being laced with like vizine. The wolf lives. Let's get to the last question. One of my faves. Are you ready? We need one last.

Oh wow, another lady. We really shouldn't have chosen a football game. Football game. Yeah. Choose Louise. Eli Manning. But like Eli is like a cool new female man. That's not a player from the-

From the game that we watched. Yeah, that's true. Let's go with LaShon McCoy. That's perfect. LaShon de McCoy. Right. Okay, I have a problem. I've been going out with this guy for maybe three months.

It started off as just a sex thing, but now we seem to be pretty fond of each other. So we are both seniors in high school and have different hobbies. I enjoy photography and playing guitar. But on the other hand, he enjoys parkour and phones. He's very attractive and has an awesome sense of humor. The phone thing is weird.

I can deal with that. But I've always had a problem with teenage boys doing parkour. The problem is that he's really bad and constantly wants me to film him. Constantly wants me to film him. Then make me comment on what he can improve. When the fact is he's just simply stopped jumping on rocks.

So should I dump this fuck boy and move on to greater, better things? Explain to him that I despise when he makes me film him or just simply deal with it and like him for him. Thanks, LaShon de McCoy. Oh my God. So she has two hobbies, photography and guitar.

Which are both hobbies. Sure. And he has two hobbies. Which? Parkour. Which is a hobby. And phones. Which is not.

Which is a noun. Yeah, I like, I have a lot of hobbies. I like jogging and ties. Huh? Yeah, I do. I'm actually really into fishing and paper clips. Yeah. Not really a hobby, but wall.

Yeah, not a hobby. What do you mean that your hobby is phones? I bet it's not that you build them. Really, my hobby is keys. Yeah. So it's just things we keep in our pockets. Yeah. I guess everyone has a phone hobby

or at the very least a phone in general. Yeah, he uses it a lot. So it's sort of a hobby. She doesn't mind the phone hobby. Honestly, it's actually kind of sexy. He has just a drawer full of old Samsung galaxies and palm pilots. But unfortunately, when he's jumping around

doing actually athletic shit, she can't stand it. It's funny that he's not good at parkour. Yeah. It's such a fun thing to be bad at. It is funny to imagine him like trying to do a flip off a wall like six old iPhones come out of his wallet. Oh, shit, my phones. My two obvious they conflict with each other

because my phones weigh me down. Yeah, these crazers are sort of keeping my pants saggy down below my ankles. I have a backpack full of StarTax, so I can't really do a good 360. Making your girlfriend watch you, forcing her to film you do parkour and then making her comment on what he can do to improve.

No, you could definitely jump on this rock smoother. The way you jumped on the rock and jumped off it was clumsy, so sort of make it. I mean, we've gotten questions like this from the other side where it's like my girlfriend doesn't support my hobby, which is kind of sad. I know, that's what I'm saying. I think it's like bad as he is at parkour.

If you liked him, you might find this kind of thing endearing. Yeah. So maybe you could take it as a bad sign that you have no interest in supporting his hobby. But then also like, what if you were dating somebody who was like, yo, please come and see my stand-up comedy or please come listen to my band sing at open mic night. And you went and it was just like really objectively bad.

What happens? What would you feel? I don't know, I would feel bad. I would feel weird, because I would have to lighter her and say that was good. And then she's like, yeah, nobody else likes it. And like, yeah, they're all wrong. I'm right.

It was good. Are you just saying that? I'm not just saying that because I socially have to. Yeah, maybe you just have to be okay with the fact that he's not good, but that he is working to improve. He will get better. He has to. Practice.

You can't get worse. He's not gonna be like, maybe he's not gonna be a professional parkourer, but he'll get better and he'll feel good about himself and you'll feel good. So you should feel good about that. That being said, if you don't like filming it, just say I don't wanna film it, but I like that you do it.

And I'll check out the videos from time to time, but we're not gonna be a duo. I'm not gonna be your Spielberg and you my subject. Yeah, you have your own hobbies. He has his, he doesn't need to like drag you. You don't buy phones with him on the weekend. Supporting that hobby wholeheartedly. I just hope he doesn't get injured doing parkour

at one of those parks that Wolf has already gotten to. You know how he does the, where he spritzes Vaseline? Right, and he'll do Vaseline. And I've seen him like loosen a bar on the monkey bars. It's always like the last one. So there's sort of like one desperate grab for the last one and then you fall. And he's never, again, he's never there to see it.

Nope. He doesn't want to see it. The woodchips, you know, like those park with the woodchip floor. I've seen him just spread tacks around on them. Oh, or he like very subtly like make them all point up. A lot of what he does is subtle. So he'll make them all point in a specific way

where it hurts when you walk on it. Cause usually woodchips are random and like over the course of time they go soft and flat. Right, sure. Yeah. So he'll make them all up. And it's nearly impossible to ID cause he does it with the gloves.

He does it with gloves. Yeah. So. Though I couldn't imagine a police officer. You know. Greg, it's technically, again, it's not a crime. Technically nothing he's doing is illegal which is so ultimately fucked.

The worst part. Fucked beyond fucked. Right. So support his hobby. Get into phones, get into parkour. You don't have to film him. And if you can't get past it, you shouldn't tell him to stop. If anything, you should just stop being with him.

Right. Just focus on other stuff. Also, I just wanted to mention one time, John Wolf, I heard. He, I think we're thinking of the same story. You do? The old folks home one? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is amazing. Where he went up on an entire floor in an old folks home told every single occupant in every single room that their grandchildren were there to see them and they would be right up. Oh, yeah. So they all like wheeled out until the hallway and they were so excited.

Right. And he just, he just left. And I heard that story. I was like, what, how did, sorry, they let him in this stranger in and they're like, no, no, no, John has been volunteering here for a year. So that's. It was such a long, long, long con.

Yeah. And a lot of it is subtle. A lot of it is subtle. None of it is illegal. And it's, I don't know. That's, that's the wolf. He's a nuisance. He is.

But so much more so than that. Right. Cause he's only a nuisance and he's nothing ever better. Right. He's a public enemy. I really think he is. So that's it. That's our episode.

Thanks so much for listening, guys. If you have your own questions or theme song submissions, please send it to IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. We do read them all. We just can't respond to them all. The opening theme song was written by Amir Iqbal. And the last one is written, it's a rap by a lady named Ellie.

So that's pretty exciting. Thank you. So thanks to everyone for listening. I think we're back on Thursday this week. Okay. So that's pretty chill. I eat ice. I'll see you soon.

Once some advice from two great mates. Well, look no further than Amir and Che. The rhymes are cool and the jokes are sick. The A great rappers and the impros quit. His name is J-Witz, known as The Pinch. Throw him a couple and he don't pinch. He's an anti-ex, pro sex guy. If I saw him on Tinder, I'd be swapping right.

The questions aren't done and sometimes crew. But Amir Shluel is a pretty chill dude. In a sticky situation, don't know what to do. I'd listen to them if I were you. Hello. Hi, it's me, Ross Matthews. America's gay. Listen, I get it.

Life is hard. Okay, we all struggle. Boy from problems, girlfriend problems, job problems, life problems. Which TV show to watch, honey. I get it. You need help. That's why I'm here.

I'm the gay best friend you wish you had and honey, you know you need. It's straight talk with me, Ross Matthews. This is tough love, honey, but it's worth it. Like plucking or waxing. Get your weekly gay pep talk right here on podcastone.com.