If I Were You - 12: Kick Ass Dad

Episode Date: July 22, 2013

In this episode, we discuss strong dads, brain surgery, and how to be a better person.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'll tell you what I would do, if only I were you, shark.com. Toda. Toda, indeed. Toda Stoney. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake.

And this is a super special, exciting episode for two reasons. One, we're filming it, we're shooting it, we're videotaping it. Wow, videotaping. This is going straight to videotaping. It's going straight to a VHS tape. Right to our P.O. box, we will send you a copy. If you guys are watching this on YouTube, you probably already know that it's being videotaped. And if you are listening to it online, just know that you can watch us too.

We're gonna, it's not gonna be like a common every episode thing, but we thought it would be like a fun experiment. We've done a lot of favors to have this done. There's a cast and crew of like 800 people right now. Catering, everything. Roads are shut down in Williamsburg. So yeah, for those of you who are watching us for the first time, you can listen to this show every Monday for it's a half hour episode. And it's just Jake and I doling out advice that people email in, you know. They email us in at IfIWereYouShow.com.

No, IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com with their sticky situations. With their conundrums and we read the emails and try to answer the funniest questions. Yeah, that sounds about right. So why don't we get started? You know what? Fuck it. Let's not. What? Let's just chill, man. Let's mean you just chill. This is the podcast, don't you get it?

We read questions, we don't read questions. People just want to see us chat. Or we just sit in comfortable silence. Wouldn't that be nice? Yeah, we just want to see us sit. We just want to see our phones for like a couple minutes right now, not like no talking. It's a video. They could watch us do it, you know. I'm just going to check, I'm going to refresh my Instagram feed. Literally, no hate.

Here it is. No hate. Don't want a lot of hate. Yeah, yes, hate. That's a terrible thing to do. Alright, fine, I'll refresh it later. Go ahead. Yes, so let's get started.

The first email was submitted to us. We're going to use fake names but real questions to preserve your anonymity. So the first question we received today is, For about six months, my best friend borrowed some money from me because he never has any and I wanted to help out. I know he would spend it all on cigarettes and booze but I trusted him that I would get the money back. Now, six months later, I still haven't gotten them back and I remind him all the time and he keeps making excuses. My dad is furious at him and is threatening to kick his ass. Should I keep staying patient and let him take his time?

Or should I allow my dad to teach my best friend a lesson so that he knows I'm being serious? So he knows I'm being serious? So should this guy let his dad kick his best friend's ass just so he- Hey man, you got to give me the money. I'm going to let my dad kick your ass. He is rearing to go. I have a lot of chain and I'm going to let it go. I'm holding the leash type but how much money was it that you spent it all on booze and cigarettes?

$13 probably. Six months. My dad is furious at him and threatening to kick his ass. Should I allow my dad to teach my best friend a lesson so that he knows I'm being serious? Should I allow my dad? Should I let my dad have at it? My dad is a 76 year old war vet with no legs. And my best friend is an 18 year old triple sport athlete.

My dad just wants the green light so he can have at it and teach this kid a lesson. My friend is going to kick the shit out of my dad. That's so funny. Here we go. Here's my dad. You knew I was serious. My dad. Go get him dad. Why'd you punch my dad? That's why god damn dad you asshole. He robs his dad and buys cigarettes and booze.

My dad is a 91 year old black belt. So should he let his dad kick his friend's ass? What? No. Your dad's not going to kick your friend's ass. That'd be amazing too if he did. Holy shit. My dad just beat the shit out of you. I can't believe that fucking happened. It feels so good as like a 50 year old to just know you can still beat the shit out of an able-bodied 20 year old. I'd love to be able to beat the shit out of someone who can buy cigarettes and booze.

Yeah you got like dad strength. Everyone just assumes dads are strong. Like at what age do you think you became stronger than your dad? You know there's a really nice poem. I forget who it's by. Let's just go on to the next question. Excuse me. I just don't want to listen to that poetry shit. It's all about how like the day this guy beat his dad in an arm wrestle it's really nice. It was on the dad's deathbed.

I'd love to look it up but you obviously get pissed when I look at my phone. No I got pissed because you said you wanted to spend the first five minutes of the show looking refreshing your Instagram feed. Okay you know what? We can review the tape. I haven't checked it in five minutes. Alright so our advice to this guy is if I were you I wouldn't let my dad beat the shit out of you. Yeah like make an idle threat so you're like hey man my dad's going to kick your ass.

Your friend will be like excuse me. Yeah I'll pay the money back. Now my dad is not going to beat your dad up. Also he said he knew his friend was going to spend it on cigarettes and booze and he gave it to him anyway. So like this is a little bit on you. I want to look at the camera. This is on you. If your son gave money away and was not getting it back would you beat the shit out of that guy?

If I was violent I'd probably want to punch my son but I think as a parent you have to stop using violence right? No I guess not. Well yeah you go to jail for abusing your child. Yeah but what if it's not your child? What if it's somebody else's child? If you're 50 and you punch your kid you're like that's jail. That's child abuse you can't get taken away. But if you're 50 and you punch a kid I don't know how it works.

Listen we're not lawyers. I guess stick your dad on him and we'll see. That's your advice let your dad kick this guy's ass. Yeah you know what drop the leash let him go. He's earned it. I want to see what happens. Alright did I say that person's name? I can't remember. Let's review the tape.

No let's figure it out. We'll call that guy Chandler. Cool. So thanks Chandler for writing in. This next question comes from Phoebe. What's the theme of the names for this week? I can't figure it out. It's just weird names that I made up.

My friend does drugs and she has been trying to get me to smoke weed with her and I said maybe but then she started taking Molly and that was her thing and she was trying to get me to take Molly with her but Molly is bad for you so I said no and now she is trying to get me to take a whip it or however it's spelled but that can kill you and I don't mind smoking weed with her and I know almost everyone experiments with drugs in high school

so I don't think one time is that big of a deal but I'm scared that if I smoke with her then she will be willing to do more stuff because I have almost no willpower my brother said to stop hanging out with her but she's a good friend what should I do? She's not a good friend. You can't have that entire first paragraph

and then end it with but she's a good friend and she's trying to get you to do fucking whip it you just said she wants to do something that could potentially kill you and she's trying to get you to do it I also like that she's like strengthening the drug every time she says no like what sort of weird fucked up negotiation is this She's like then she started doing Molly

then she started doing whip it I feel like we're too late this girl is already doing crack they're both living in a crack den I don't want to do weed with you All right, Molly? No I don't know Molly's day is fine fine whip it

I already said prize that one has the most fun name I'll do the weed I was like I don't think everybody does Molly and whip it in high school I didn't do that in high school Yeah but maybe it wasn't around when you're in high school Yeah I guess that's true I mean I didn't do any drugs in high school

except for weed You did weed? I did weed Yeah you did But weed ain't a drug it's from the earth You know what I'm saying? Terrible advice Weeds from the earth girl

And you know technically Molly is actually from the earth Yeah Even the chemicals have like been It's made on earth They're all matter that was there during the big bang Yeah it's all stardust Yeah exactly It's all natural whip it that's natural

Yeah cause humans made whip it Yo that's true our whip is not from the earth I don't think so I might check they're from the earth Thank you That being said we did seven whip it and took four Molly pills before this podcast started So who knows what we're thinking

I would say if I were you I'd listen to your brother He seems like the smart one in this relationship She's not a good friend Right not a good friend If she's pressuring you to do drugs Like you know what that's not a good friend That said Yo like weeds don't

She's in high school fuck No don't do any drugs they're all bad for you And you should try to get your friend to help too If she's going down this spiral of We need to Molly to whip it It seems like there's no end in sight Trying to help her out if she's actually a good friend She's getting closer and closer to like

From like drugs to like pharmaceuticals To like just something you can get a grocery store To death the ultimate drug That's beautiful that's our next shirt Wow Jesus Shit I'm crying I'd like to take that drug tonight actually

Let's die together brother No I was joking Alright Moving right along Truckin This one is from Ross Alright Rossy

Rossy Ross He says Dear Jake and Amir I have a mono brow The problem is my girlfriend wants me to shave it off Although personally I think it completes my look What do I do? It doesn't

There's no look It doesn't complete your look You don't know what it looks like No Sorry Alright cool moving on Alright moving on You know we usually ask people to send in their audio versions

Of them asking questions And this week we got a very special video version Holy shit So if you're listening you can hear along And if you're watching check out this Hey Jake and Amir I'm Kyle Fox and my dad was on your show for a little bit Long time listener, first time caller

And after your advice in one of the last episodes Where you said we shouldn't get into a long term relationship Before college I completely ignored that advice And had to do me And Now I'm moving out to Cali for a little bit And I'm wondering how do I stay away from these slump buster

Festival harlot nudes Thanks Wow So there it is That is insane I want to answer your question But I can't stop thinking about how much you look like Rick Fox That's what you say to Rick Fox every day too

So he wanted He didn't want to be in a long distance relationship But you know what He ended up ultimately deciding to do it He did have to do him And then now he's wondering how to avoid these ladies In college freshman year Which is a difficult thing to do

Especially when you're a tall handsome man Yeah So my advice to you is Sorry You're fucked Yep, you won't You just won't Or you will and it will weigh on your relationship so much

That will eventually that's what will destroy it Yeah You're so handsome and cool that I want to give you like good news But unfortunately no Yeah It is I don't know Can you imagine his girlfriend watching this though

Like okay Oh Jake No you can make it You guys are good I promise You guys are different Every other relationship is messed What about beyond college

Like in general how do people resist temptation Maybe we should take it like that Okay College is obviously its own thing It's way harder Yeah Because there's a lot more temptation There's a lot more partying

There's a lot more like You're around so many attractive young people at once That doesn't usually happen in the real world Right So you're asking me how I do it Yeah cause I don't I don't resist it Like my entire life is just giving into temptation after temptation after temptation

So What do I This is Give me advice man What do I do I guess it helps to think about the long term Okay You're enjoying what you're doing right now

But how will you feel tomorrow Do the cons outweigh the pros Will the pain of the next three weeks Be worth the joy of the next two hours And if the answer is yes Cheat on your lady Whoa are you kidding me Dude that's dope man

That's dope You would literally have that Like internal conversation with yourself all the time No my brain is wired in such a way That it won't allow me to enjoy the next two hours I need surgery or something I really think I need a fricking lobotomy I need fucking brain surgery

Cause you can't just be like Oh you have to think logically Like if you're hardwired to do that anyway I can't change I really think I need a fricking neurosurgeon To go in there and change me Cause I can't do it You know what

And while you're in there Yeah make it so I want to eat healthy and work out Can you ask Can I ask you a question How do I be different How do I be a different guy Just cause me is sort of Messing with my shit right now

I look in the mirror and everyday I see Uh oh this asshole So I don't know I'd like to change my face You don't like hanging out with me How'd you like to be me 24 seven That's not very fun I go to sleep I'm a little old me

I wake up and Uh oh here I am again I drink, I smoke, I take pills I try to escape my body But every single time I come back And I hate myself a little more Just when you think I'm done I pull me back in

Just when you think I can't get me worse Uh oh there I am to remind you I'm still a shit head So anyway this is you talking to a brain surgeon So anyway I don't know if there's something you can cut out That'll make me better Because I ain't gonna change shit I'd be down for a monkey brain at this point

Cause even that would be a god damn improvement And hey if the knife slips while you're operating And you kill me that's fine too Make it look like an accident doc I know I don't have the courage or willpower To do literally anything positive You can give me a lobotomy to give me the courage To kill myself

Please do that That's what he does Uh the operation was a success You're the same exact person you just have the Courage to you know end it I guess Well yeah I feel that Shit I hate myself and I thank you Can I recommend a Starbucks?

I don't know it's that pleasurable for you Call back You gotta reward the fans who have been there the longest While still attracting new audiences That's what's sort of No no no Drake says no new friends No new friends you know what I'm saying No new friends

It's a really mean sentiment actually There's so many people here right now That I didn't know last year What am I doing? Who the fuck are y'all? Oh yeah that's right I'm doing me I'm doing me Or he's meeting people

What am I doing? Oh yeah that's right I'm meeting people That's what normal people do I can make new connections No new friends I don't have a wife yet So I'll never meet her because I don't want to meet anyone new

So don't make new friends keep the old I don't have the whole team I live my life in Drake's clothes The only people I can meet again Are people that I lost touch with When I was 4 through 8 years old And have to reconnect with other people Who started from the bottom with me

You're that Drake I'm your thing so you're a coward Please do not hurt me Mr. Drake He's definitely listening to the podcast He was ordering a season of cheese And then he was like what? Ah Hell nah Oh shit what's his fake name

His real name He said we can use this video So we can use his real name Have fun In college try to resist Temptation as much as you can if it becomes too much Then maybe the relationship isn't worth keeping for now If maybe at the end of college

You want to revisit things have at it Just always be honest with each other Be honest and you know what Either way you're going to have a great life You're a very You're a good looking smart tall dude And you have nothing to worry about Yeah so stop asking for advice you're perfect

Yeah I don't actually want your advice How can I make Rick Fox my daddy Yeah how do I Will you give me a workout regimen sir How do I get my chin to look like yours I'd love to be as attractive as you are Man

Alright moving on next question Thanks Kyle This show is sponsored by BetterHelp You're finding yourself in a difficult Anxious stressful situation Talking to a professional licensed therapist Is the best way to navigate yourself Out of that

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Check him out, thanks BetterHelp Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show Wow For years and years and years We've been ranting and raving about Squarespace For dummies like me And potentially you That don't necessarily know how to code

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If I were you to save 10% off that first purchase Thank you, Squarespace This one comes from Joey I have a friend whose girlfriend cheated on him I told him about it And they talked it out and are still dating However, I recently discovered that she is sexting

The guy she cheated on my friend with I told him about this too And they talked it out again I really don't think his girlfriend is good for him But I'm not sure what else I should do Yeah, who is she This vixen This silver-tongued serpent

Talks her way out of any problem She's talked herself out of two situations Where she cheated on her boyfriend That's insane I wonder what she's saying That rat carer Tells on her every single time You think

You're the guy she's looking up with Hey man, your girlfriend is sexting me I'm sorry Yeah, we talked it out It's okay He's okay with it too How are you talking it out I've sexted someone

Maybe she's so attractive That the guy's like whatever Whatever you want to do We talked it out twice What else If you already told the person and they're okay with it What else can you do You basically told them what you think

That she's not good for this person Clearly she's not But Mind your business dude That ain't your problem Jesus If you saw your friend getting cheated on Would you tell him?

I'd probably do what he has done She does it again You can't physically Tear people apart I guess I'd ask to be there for this Discussion Where she's clearly brainwashing him She's like the red priest

The fire I'm just going to ask the guys behind the camera And Game of Thrones Who's the red princess lady No I don't remember her name either There's a lot of nerds watching this podcast I think it's Jessica Rabbit

I feel like what you're thinking about Your friend is being Stannis Baratheon Right now Totally Stannis Baratheon Like this girl who's not good You're like Jon Snow She's like oh no

Let's cut Let's cut me out of the podcast Let's end the show Not this episode, but for good And yeah, I think we're done How about we cut me out of my life Right now and I just go home And never talk to any of you again

I'd love to see a brain surgeon tomorrow A brain and face surgeon I wanna be not neat, sir Doc While you're in there, can you take my wisdom teeth out I want no wisdom teeth In a new personality slash lease on life Oh, P.S.

How about some pecs This is not You're at a walk-in clinic You need to leave We can treat you for your gonorrhea Fine, I'll take it Thank you Next question

Can we give that guy advice Yeah, you did what you can do And you can't do anything else I mean you told your friend He was getting cheated on Yeah, remove yourself from the situation Keep an eye on the serpent Yeah, we should have her on the show

What are these conversations you're having She hypnotizes him every night Jafar style The snake Alright, this one is from Gunther Yeah, Gunther After a few days of texting nonstop

To a girl I love, she mysteriously Stopped replying I sent her a few texts until she finally Told me to stop talking to her I'm pretty sure this is a goof It's safe when it comes to texting Fortunately, I know where she usually Goes on a typical day

Should I go surprise her at work, school, or home Thanks for the help, Gunther The advice is Where should I kill her? The advice is This girl obviously wants him to text him Do you want to give her, let's give opposite Advice

So what's your opposite advice for this guy I mean obviously She thinks that you've Cooled off, so I would Double time your efforts right now School work or home How about school work and home We're gonna text her, we're gonna text her and say

Hey, I'm coming over, I know where you live Send us pictures of you driving over there Is I know where you live a little threatening No, not enough, I know where you live You don't show up to her place with your bags Oh, that's good If you love her, you can't slow down Yeah, and when she said

Stopped talking to her He was right, that was probably a goof It was probably her way of being like You gotta earn this booty You gotta earn this booty So like a lot of times You gotta earn this Would you say that again

You gotta earn this booty So like that's what she's thinking You gotta earn this booty, that's what girls say Yeah, so it's like stop texting me You gotta earn this booty, I'm like alright Let's kick it up a notch A little more than like you doing impressions of girls When they want to hook up with a guy

Because you clearly don't know anything You gotta earn this booty That's what a girl ever said that to you She said, I mean multiple 10, 15, 30 girls at a time They're always saying you gotta earn this booty You gotta earn this booty Yeah, like I'll go in for a kiss and she like

Push me away and I'm like let me guess I gotta earn this booty and she's like no, not really I just never want to be with you I haven't earned a booty yet A couple times I'm like really disinterested And they sort of like let their guard down Enough to stop talking to me But like whenever I go for it

They're always just like get out of me Oh I gotta earn that booty Yeah, they don't say it, I say it but it's like They agree and then like the boyfriend comes There and starts like hey I'm just trying to earn a booty How did you earn the booty How many times did you text Body shots please

The dad comes over and beats the shit out of me 58 year old wore that Stop texting her Right, you're a stalker right now Don't go to work, don't go to school Don't go to home If you really like someone You don't want to text them more than they text you

A good indicator of how much to text someone Is how much they text you I used to, oh my god I used to do the craziest shit when I like Would like girls that would be like emailing Or Facebook messaging or even texting I would use like Microsoft Word And put in the words to make sure

There's always less than there's Wow, when was this I mean it was like fucking Six months ago It was not, it was not long ago So you don't want, you never want to put More effort than the girl is Or at least equal effort

You never want to be putting more Just equal to less I don't even think less is a good move I'm always like equal effort Everybody's on the same page, I think that's the way to do it But does that ever cycle out of like proportion And then a little bit more and then you match it And then it's like holy shit we're sending

Like full paragraphs to each other I get fucking excited thinking about texting I think that's my problem doc I get excited, like my phone's vibrated Twice since we've been here and it's like Oh man, what the tech say Keep that part of my brain change Literally everything else

What if you were born 20 years ago I'd be a better person I'd be better Text is your number one game Yeah that's all man, that's fucking number one That's it, yeah, number one And that's it And you also said that if you didn't have an iPhone

If you had to use like a different phone Oh yeah, that was another thing I was thinking, did I tell you When we were in Iceland I was thinking about Trading in my iPhone and getting Just like a shitty little flip phone That would make me a better person Because you'll text less?

Interesting You think you're ever gonna do that? Well you're gonna get a flip phone so that you'll text less? Yeah That's your way of becoming a better person? Getting a worse phone I think my phone enables me Well I think you have such deep-seated

Terrible issues, you don't respect people So why would you get a less Excuse me, no stop recording Don't respect people I'm gonna motor-roll the StarTac and I'll be fine How about a freaking razor How much do I respect you now? A razor, I got a crazer

I'm playing Snake too much To abuse you emotionally or Physically The only thing I'm conquering now I'm slaying the Snake game So Our advice to you, get a worse phone Right, where did we

What was this guy, the stalker? Leave her alone Cool I think that's all the time we have I don't know how long we've been going But I bet 30 minutes at least If you're listening, if you're watching this For the first time, you can go to IfIReuseShow.com

To listen to all of our previous episodes If you guys Like this video, we'll try to do one Every couple months, just to keep it fresh And that email again If you've never emailed the show, if you have any tips Suggestions or sticky situations of your own Is IfIReuseShow.com

And yeah Oh yeah, the shirts Shirts at Busted Tees You can go to IfIReuseShow.com For more info about that Thanks so much for watching Oh, we're also accepting theme song submissions We opened the one today with Stoney

Who's our remixer extraordinaire Because we love it so much And we're going to end with another classic of ours Before we do, let's plug our fearless crew On Twitter You guys can follow Wiseguypictures Wiseguypictures on Twitter

Mikey, you want to plug anything? Instagram? You look so nervous right now Wow Mike Carnell on Twitter Mike Carnell on Twitter Follow him man IfItheShirt sees the cheese, follow Mike Carnell on Twitter

We're out Oh, this song is from Matt Gilroy This song is from Macklemore Holy shit I take a break With Amir and Jake Listen to the podcast show IfI were you, show.com