If I Were You - 120: Cucumber

Episode Date: December 11, 2014

In this episode we discuss texting lovers and trusting others.This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com and Audible.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Now, this is the podcast all about how your lifestyle flips turn upside down. You probably have no friends or family, so sit right there. The stupid problems can be solved by Jake and Amir. In New York City, New York, you might call a fate is where Jake and Amir spent most of their days, chilling out, maxing, relaxing, all cool and all climbing on Amir when really Jake's the fool till these couple of bros. What do you know? Got sent two hours later to start a TV show.

They got him one Wednesday black, let me make myself clear, this is if I were you and it's about to get real. That was Will Smith. We're honored, Mr. Smith. We are honored, floored, coy and dumb for you. I'm humbled to have such a rock star and a movie star and a rap aficionado create a song for me. I really am humbled.

I'm absolutely humbled. Why are you humbled? I deserved it, but it doesn't mean it's any less humbling. So you aren't humbled. I do think I needed and deserved a rap from Will Smith and I needed and deserved his adoration and validation. It doesn't sound like you're humbled at all that you say you deserve a rap from Will Smith. I'm humbled by it.

You don't seem humbled. I'm so humbled. You seem like you're the opposite of humbled. You're like extra confident and cocky now. Well, yeah. You think so much more of yourself. Personally, I think it was about time. But I am humbled.

Say it I'm humbled at all. That was actually a guy named Daneh Bahrain and he wanted us to give a shout out to his bros, Steve Casa. And we have to do anything he does because he wrote a rap and a song that we did. Well, he doesn't have like a SoundCloud or a YouTube where he writes other raps. Sounds like that's what he has as a bro. But it's good to show that you don't need a well produced amazing thing. Right.

You just need a good idea, a good execution. I think this, it almost says more that he doesn't make raps for literally really bad if he doesn't. Yeah. Because he would have to invest in better equipment than the photo booth on his computer probably. Yeah. Yeah.

Good job. Thank you. Thank you, Daneh. Cheers and to da for sure. And this is, if I were you, it's an advice podcast. People email us at, if I were you show at gmail.com, they ask us questions. They're like, oh, I don't know what to do about this. I'm in this predicament.

Can you guys help? And we try to offer that help on this, on this show. And then we record it. Oh. Let me finish. This one has gone away for me. I don't want to let you finish. We record it.

Let you finish. And we upload it. And you download it. And you download it. I was not letting you finish it. Of cutting you off here. You're done. We're going to cut your losses with the entire episode actually.

It's over now. And also if you have a theme song, you can send that into, if I were you show at gmail.com. And we also still need thumbnail submissions. When we post it on Facebook, we have like original artwork. Basically, we give you the unsung hero because we ask our fans for everything. We make, yeah. We say, will you give us questions because we can't do the podcast without them. We say, will you make us songs because we wouldn't be able to start or end an episode.

Yeah. We wouldn't do the podcast without them. And then we draw us pictures because we wouldn't be able to post them on a podcast on Facebook. Will you make art for us? Will you make music for us? And then we'll use supply us with questions that sort of supports. Right.

Yeah. What do we do? Make fun of everyone who does everything for us. Let's get started. So we are in need of some fake names. These are real emails I'm about to read from real people, but I'm going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. Let's start with a guy.

Should we, should we call this guy DJ Jazzy Jeff? That's a, oh, and I, you have nailed it. Yeah. 100%. I nailed it. All right. Here we go. Ready?

As the year winds down, I realized that I have one big regret that's looming over me. It is this. A few months back, I matched with a girl on Tinder and we really seemed to get along. However, this came at the most un-inopportune time as two days later, I went home for fall break. It made me miss the window of asking her out. And as the week progressed, we kind of stalled and the sparks just died out. Obviously, I could have asked her out when I came back, but I guess I was too stupid

to do so. And now it's been two months and many left swipes later, and it made me realize that she could have been the one. Overly dramatic. I know. Either way, what do I do now? Is this just a lost cause to put behind me and write a song about? Or can I reach out to her and win her back?

Thanks. DJ Jazzy Jeff. Win her back, huh? Yeah. Win her back. He lost her. He lost her. He had her.

He lost her. How do I win the heart back of this Tinder match that I chatted with for a minute? Well, this is sort of a great time to plug our side venture, textjake.com, in which Jake will text for you. He will give personalized suggestions. You coy-roached. That's why you chose that question. Let's say you have your own question that we won't read on the show.

The absolute capital is big. You want to know what Jake's personalized insight would be? I won't accept this. But you will continue to let me talk. I'll take the money for sure. Yeah. But please, that is more than enough. And you're expert, now that you're actually in your professional, since you're getting

paid for this now, your professional opinion. What is the best way to reopen? Is that what you think of your professional? Yeah. It's like, is it fits your profession? Wow. Yeah. That's pretty amazing.

I'm a professional texter. I've always wanted to do this. And it's here. And it is now. And I am. I am one. I'm a professional texter. I should have business cards.

You're mad at me. You went from having to mad at me so quickly. You set this all up. You worked with Garrett to launch the website. You're promoting it on the podcast. You didn't. You didn't. You didn't.

You didn't. You didn't. You didn't. You didn't. You didn't. You didn't. You didn't. You didn't.

You didn't. You didn't. You didn't. You're promoting it on the podcast. You didn't think I might want business cards. No. I didn't think. If anybody out there wants to get me a hot to cook gift.

Oh my God. You piece of shit. I really do want. You deserve that too. I'm humbled. I'm honored. By these cards. I'm humbled.

And honored. By the cards. I can't believe it. This is so now. I'm hitched for this. I'm a real dating instructor. A life coach of sorts. I'm a professional.

So you know for this guy who gets a little bit of free advice because we actually chose this question on the show is is there anything to like rekindling a spark that's been out for two months or it's dead? Can you re rekindle a spark? My dad always said Jake you you if you just put your head down you apply yourself. Holy shit. You're just talking about yourself if you just work hard you could actually be good at something and do something with your life.

You're currently. What's on you dad because I didn't have to do anything at all. I just texted people and now I'm a professional at that. I never had to work that or that is working and never had to put you know what didn't feel like exactly inadvertently never had to I never had to hunker down. I still learned it. So now that without letting that go to your head and it won't it's so past that. My professional had nothing will get to it.

I promise you my profession is too thick for anything to penetrate this head of mine. Oh goodness I am a professional so what's the question you already were one before the text.com website by the way before text Jake launched you were already a professional you were a professional comedy writer podcaster all this other even better stuff and you felt no pride. I feel it now that I know how how it sounds to say the word professional I didn't know that I was one because I didn't know the word and now that I do it's good and I am that I thought you had to be really really really good at it.

No you just have to be paid for it you just have to have cash I'm a professional man. Fuck yeah. She's a DJ Jazzy Jeff waiting in the wings for his advice. It doesn't matter what is he talking about. He says did the train once it does the train leave the station and it's gone forever. Is it like a spark an ember and a fire that you can then reignite with gasoline and oxygen. It's tinder. It's like I'll log on right now and match and message somebody I matched with a year ago.

Yeah I'll still have sex with them. Is it is it starting from scratch or is it no it's always nice to hear from people you know you're just like so this guy's overreacting just right hey long time no time what's been Gucci that's there it is long time no time what's been Gucci I honestly like that's how little it matters yeah right a text that's stupid and she'll laugh and she'll and you're back on a radar that's it as long as it's excited enthusiastic how amazing is this guy's life going as the year winds down yeah of course when he reassesses is his regrets you know when when the year comes to a close you want to yeah sit down and say what do I regret

let me re-evaluate things and the one thing he regrets is letting a tinder match slip to his fingers yeah just go away congrats on your incredible life yeah that is his biggest remorse source source of remorse is isn't there something to the idea of like momentum when you start a relationship like if you find someone great but like you guys can't like hang out for like every like a day a week and then like you lose that momentum and then the whole thing just goes away yeah but I feel like that's the momentum can definitely go away yeah feel it but I don't think it's necessarily like both of people are feeling the same momentum it like would go it could go away for him right now and then she might just forget about him so he's like my momentum's gone

I had her like I had her on the hook yeah into this and then I lost it she's forgot about me but you could pick it up so easily it's not like it's just so easy it's just take it's one person taking the effort and picking the momentum back up so it's not like you go back you regress back to zero I'm talking about in the grander scheme of things not necessarily this guy because I think you just chatted I know I think if anything it buys you more when you like pick things back up and then you can like build on oh remember this remember this remember this right you're just like and it's also the opposite of being like too persistent and crazy he's like he basically took two months off you accidentally did something cool yeah you you pretended like you didn't care because maybe

you accidentally didn't for two months yeah yeah so use it it's use it to your advantage exactly so now though I I'm the professional I just realized you don't get paid for texting holy shit just I do I can still voice my opinion this is a pro I'm a pro of course and you're a don't say it you're you're you're a nobody fuck off you're nobody I'm a pro and you're a no buddy you know buddy you're a nobody I'm a pro body and you are a nobody I have another text question for you well I can't really answer to in a row I'm a lot less good than I thought one really took a shit out of me all right let's hear it all right we need a lady's name Hillary very nice Hillary Banks writes I love the show and I'm in a pinch that I feel only the pinch can help me with that's

me I'm from England and in my third year at university I broke up with a long-term boyfriend about five months ago and have only recently felt I can get back on the horse I started talking to a boy on Tinder who lives 10 minutes walk from my house and after a few messages back and forth he asked me on a date this date was great as was the second and so I thought what the heck and I went for it he came back with me and we got it on till the break of dawn here's the thing though the texting is very limited and when I say limited I mean sometimes it takes them up to three days to reply to one message to begin with I assume this was because he just wasn't into me but his replies are fairly keen and often ask in-depth questions when I have given him an out with

an end of conversation text could his lack of texting be because he is worried I'll get attached if so how do I let him know that all I want is a bit of Christmas fun and that if you were to reply to me more quickly we both may get laid more often I guess the overriding question is how do I turn this useless texture into a suitable Christmas fuck buddy help me seize his cheese yet again love Hillary man I don't maybe just say that what I'd love to get a text it was like hey I just want to have sex more yeah reply to me I'm not like getting attached to you at all I just want to fuck it's a lot easier to tell girls advice on texting because they can do whatever they want yeah you wouldn't tell a guy to be like just say you want to get fucked it's

like no they already know that if you want to you could send him three blank texts in a row then write let's have sex tonight and he'll do it yeah like there's nothing weird or bad that you could text but why doesn't he reply that's that doesn't make a lot of sense to me three days yeah I feel like I guess if it was I mean that's just insane I would call him out on that yeah maybe some people are bad at texting but not that bad yeah it's crazy and and if you are that bad then it's not allowed anymore and you get like you're you're gonna get called out and I think if you ask him something he responds three days later just write back and be like that was a record you broke it I've ever waited for the text are you receiving these texts via US postal service

where you're waiting to get a letter and then sending it back to me that's the rate at which we're having a conversation right now you're playing correspondence chess and then if he gets defensive be like no I'm not gonna like I'm not trying to get you to talk to me all the time I'm not trying to make you my boyfriend I just want to get laid yeah maybe like a simple ha ha you know if you got back at me more quickly we would have sex more often yeah but that's a little that's all I feel like I don't know yeah no I wouldn't say that what would you say well I would just be a little nervous that that could look like I think the words entrapment she's saying like that's almost like too cutesy so it should be more like I'm using sex to get

you to be my boy like if she's worried that that's what he's worried about yeah I think that almost reads too much like a girlfriend text oh if you reply to me more I'll have sex with you more I would just be like a little more open on the nose hey I don't not I don't want to be your girlfriend but I think if maybe you like the first second half of your thing but with a well that's it that's basically I just stole the sentence that she said to us which is if you reply to me more we'd have sex more often right is that too on the nose well I just I want her to be clear that she doesn't want to make uh him her boyfriend like he's you don't want to scare him away the only thing that scares guys away that's also flirtatious to be like if you replied more we'd have sex more right so that's

her saying like I want to talk more and I want to see you more and I want to have sex more but other texts is just like respond to me more often I don't like you as a boyfriend but we'd like we can all bone it's funny that's subtle the one thing that scares guys away even more than liking sex is the fear of being in a relationship with a person I'd have to have sex with that person all the time no I don't want that guys are so dumb yeah we're like weird little animals you have to trick us into a fucking if we like you and we like seeing you and we like having sex then then we don't want to see you yeah then the big fear is that we're there liking you too much is it's very dangerous why because it makes it so we can't have sex with everyone so sex is good

but the fear is that if you have it too much with one person you won't be able and it's good yeah then you won't be able to have mediocre perhaps less good sex with other people because the quantity is so much more important than the quality exactly yeah you'd rather have shitty sex with 10 girls than amazing sex 10 times with one would you say that's true uh for me personally yes for everybody I hate to speak for everyone but yes I don't know I think people are all different but uh yeah no for me yeah of course it's the it's the I think it all comes back to this this braggadacious thing of how many ladies have you slept with where like if you can just not necessarily even tell people about it but have in the back of your brain that you slept with like

a good amount or not a good amount but a lot amount like 75 then you feel better about yourself regardless of how devastating or awkward those 75 were right you just walk around and in the back of your brain is that number and you're like this is good I'm good I'm happy I think the the way like I just picture that person as a tiny tiny hero yeah because it's small petty and really lame yeah but you are heroic in your own head yeah so you're like a small you're a tiny little hero man yeah congratulations and it's important to you and you only uh it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things or in the you know in any in any scheme scheme of things yeah whether it be a small scheme of things but isn't that the only reason why somebody would want to sleep with 10 different

ladies even if it's not good yeah I mean I don't I can't I'm not a professional therapist I'm a professional a lot of things holy shit uh actually I am a professional therapist I'm a doctor and I do have my md and my phd yeah I don't know why I like set a lot of a lot of sex with anonymous people why the quantity is good I guess it's like validating that to feel like people want you oh like you beat that many levels of a video game right you're like oh I was able to be charming enough to sleep with this many ladies yeah and it's like oh I get positive attention from this person this person in this person yeah let me let me store that positive attention like that feels better than getting like positive attention from one person yeah it's like the maximum she can give

me is 100 I'd rather get 20 from 10 different people then I'm at 200 confidence points we got Jesus Christ I was like fucking half hard thinking about it and you made a math base my dick dribbled I do see your dick is out yeah it retracted like one of those infomercial garden hoses where they sort of shrink to the size of like a pen all inside my stomach yeah that's oh it's starting to come out of your mouth it's so it's so soft and so does that count as me getting a blow job because I'd love to put it at the imaginary number the back of my head it's like sometimes we get emails we're like I we hooked up and I think we had sex but I'm not sure does that count towards my number I'd hate to lie to myself it doesn't matter uh so this girl should just be up front clear

I think so it's weird if they like they had two great dates yeah maybe he's just like nervous that he doesn't want anything serious yeah he's he's self slowing down I can see him doing that but three days is like pretty extreme I wouldn't I mean if I got a text after if he does that if he does that more times just find a new fuck buddy because it probably not gonna be hard I remember thinking that like people read text within 10 seconds and any moment after that is a deliberate power play yeah so like after 10th he's he's waiting three days on purpose yeah three days is fucking nuts nobody checks his phone every three days my phone's like always in my pocket around my in my hand yeah there's no there's no world where like I go three days without

responding to somebody and it's someone I want to talk to that's why we all turn off our read receipts on iPhones iPhones have an option that says it tells people when you read the message yeah and the first thing anybody does is disable that because it totally takes away any the air of coolness and mystery like if I sent a girl a text message and it said read right away it just feels worse and it is read right away yeah it's always read right away but I don't want I don't want people to know that I read it right away and then respond in an hour and 10 minutes even though that's exactly what happens to everyone always uh let's take a break right now wow in the smack dab middle of the episode very nice thank one more sponsor and then we'll be back this show is sponsored by better

help thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist especially one in your area uh but better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient flexible and suitable to your schedule you just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge it's incredibly helpful therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years uh so give therapy a try it can give you the tools to find a more balanced life I've tried therapy it's

been very helpful um so you can find that balance better with better help all you got to do is go to betterhelp.com slash if i were you you do that today you can get 10 off your first month so the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room this is done entirely online but you're still getting professional licensed help uh and it's extra affordable that's better help h e l p dot com slash if i were you check them out thanks better help thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show wow for years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily

know how to code or design to create a professional looking website so if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online you can do an online store they have 24 7 live customer support email campaigns data you can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace for example i didn't even look this up but there's no way you can't buy amir bloomingfeld is a good dude dot com i bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or i guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season a summer birthday coming up who doesn't want a website so the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace

dot com slash if i were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that offer code if i were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again Squarespace dot com slash if i were you free trial everything looks good let's launch it just use that offer code if i were you to save 10% off that first purchase thank you Squarespace where were we oh right i wanted to tell you remind everyone that we're going to houston and austin austin on january 24th houston on january 25th just a land of Vegas what to drake lyric oh those are his favorite cities yeah houston we should go to atlanta we have never been to atlanta i've never been to georgia really yeah except for like the airport that doesn't really count no no god no

but it's at houston's part of the come and take it comedy festival and in austin it's at the north door are we on their website yet are we not i don't know i don't check more than once a week so you guys will have to do it for me and uh hopefully we are and what the moment we are we'll put it on our website so that you can figure out how to get tickets those are gonna be fun shows yeah i love austin oh i've never been to houston we like we drove through it once yeah what else about houston oh yeah that's right oh uh didn't you uh just learn something recently about john wolf that we wanted to talk about on the show oh yeah we like we talked about john wolf uh not really a friend but like a character in our lives on monday's podcast just you know a real life foe yeah he's

a social vigilante of sorts yeah and we just rattled off the top of our head some stories about wolf and then like since that episode i feel like um we've learned even more about wolf yeah things are really coming out of the woodwork yeah and like people are tweeting us stories that they've heard and like we can get emails traded many people yeah it's almost like lore at this point it's like urban legend oh you know what before you tell your story i just really quickly heard something recently that he went to a party like i guess he does this a lot he goes to bar parties like that's his thing like he goes he likes to go to like loud parties where it's difficult to hear people uh and he introduces himself as global so like you heard this one right yeah yeah so his

name is john wolf yeah hey how's it going good uh what um what's your name global and then he'll extend his hand right global no no no global so the person will obviously not know what to do with that information because it's it's a weird name right and then he makes them repeat it and they say they eventually get that it's it's this fake name is global global but he says no no no no global and they'll just keep on you know try the global like just try different pronunciations to at least be polite as possible right but it's so loud and it's such a weird name that he chose that it just makes people feel a little socially uncomfortable right again it's not like a huge prank where somebody's losing money it's of course not illegal it's yeah it's totally

within the confines of the law yeah it's just very subtle and sometimes when he um when he makes people say global enough times yeah he makes someone feel like you know the maximum awkwardness when he finds that one person yeah most uncomfortable that's when he leaves oh and that person will just go into their own head and be like did i what happened there did he leave because of me yeah what's something i did it just feels bad to that person and that'll that'll ruin their night and again he'll never see the consequences of his action right nothing none of it is illegal so much of it is just a subtle little product it's a subtle dickling and he leaves that he'll do and then he's gone yeah not even basking in the cons consequences of his actions it's ridiculous

it's so fucked up what was the one you heard you know this is actually really really twisted i heard it recently he um you know like at the wait who are you talking about oh global yeah so you know like at walmart and stop and shop sometimes they'll hire like elderly elderly people and uh who are in retirement right to help bag exactly just to like give them something to do and it's kind of like a sweet thing yeah and you know even if they don't necessarily need the money which a lot of them do need the money it's also nice to them uh because they're so lonely right it gets in and also it gets them out of the house right and it also gives establishes a routine a routine oh they have a job a sense of purpose yeah definitely exactly utility in the world

which is really nice uh so what john wolf will do is he'll actively try and often succeed at getting these people fired how do you know that well because i've i've seen it happen oh what does he do uh this is he will he never he'll never get into um and he did argument with any of these people because it's too obvious right um but what he'll do is he'll leave he'll he'll leave the grocery store with his with his bags um and slice the bottoms come back in with the torn bag with all of his groceries super polite by the way never angry at all he's never raised his voice would you mind double bagging at this time always in front of a manager oh i see and once or twice no big deal but if you do that to the same guy six seven eight times fired every

time so uh so he's like he does little things that gets the managers upset at these elderly exactly huh what oh this is possible this is exciting Dave why don't you actually join us for the second half of this we're gonna answer some more questions it'll be fun it's kind of like a surprise this is insane can you share a microphone why aren't you smiling Dave Rosenberg um joining us on the podcast why you didn't know that you were coming to LA right i didn't wait what is happening did you know yeah well i found out yesterday why is this

tell me what's going on i'm here for the podcast we flew him out for the second half of this one episode look can we answer questions with you are you okay to do that are you busy right now yeah pay me though but yeah Jesus Christ you dick how did the i was also fucking horrifying because we're in you're we're in your room the door is just slightly a jar you see a figure came in i was like and i thought it was marty and then all of a sudden i realized that once that it was not and i was like oh no and then god you look scary man hey hey oh my god holy shit did you get into a fight on the plane today no no i didn't it was boring

we wanted to actually i don't even know if you feel comfortable talking about your new the new lady in your life do you do you feel comfortable talking about it i mean i i guess i have to at this point no you don't have to say anything yeah what up banna i love you baby you know that though i gotta tell you that you do have to tell her in general when did you meet her um last sunday so this was last sunday and when did you tell her that you loved her for the first time we both told each other on friday night Thursday maybe so after four days three days yeah we were actually one of the reasons why i didn't want to come let's go on a six day in a row streak oh wow from date one to date six all in a row

well it's not even a date it's just literally days we hung out sunday and monday didn't on tuesday and then we did wednesday through last night wow and now you're here this is crazy this is like are you this is a real test for your relationship this long distance it is because especially because i was gonna have dinner with her parents her grandparents her aunt her uncle holy shit her uncle and her two cousins this her aunt her uncle her uncle and her two cousins there are two uncles most people have more than one uncle i did say that wrong though there is well what what was the point of this family her birthday is on wednesday oh and you're missing it i am missing it that's a huge what are you gonna get her i don't know i don't think i my love

really i guess my heart is what i'm giving her uh see you think and she's as into you as you are with her right or it's it's reciprocated yeah i think so we should have you guys both on the show yeah that'd be great we want to meet this girl she's gonna miss how did how did you meet her tinder no so there you have actually the first girl i ever met on tinder wow so you're one for one she said i was the first guy that she's ever met on tinder do you believe her yeah well i do because um she deleted it like two days after we met oh that's what we just talked about in the last episode is when do you delete the tinder after oh yeah so wait did you delete yours though this was kind of funny actually this is a good story so we went to a diner yesterday

and i brought it up i brought up like oh it should be like to help people man on tinder she's like a classic honor and uh she's like oh did you delete yours yet oh wait this is what day of the week this was yesterday us this is oh so a week after you guys one week anniversary right so she asked if you've deleted tinder yet yeah and i said i hadn't uh because i put in a lot of work right i built up yeah i've rolled a lifelong friendship with people over tinder a database uh you do have more matches per hour than anybody i've ever met before in my life so i can only imagine what like a year worth of swiping for you is yielded and over a thousand right would you say over a thousand matches but i mean ana was the first person i ever met

yeah yeah so it's a bit romantic in that way so did you delete it so she did make me delete i wanted to ha i wanted to and she's right about this not that i think about it she was smart though because like i deleted the app and she's like no you can't delete the app you need to like go in and there's like two ways to delete it oh no there's one that's like signing off and one is deleting the app because you i don't think you can delete the app but then you can download again and you'll still have all your matches oh she wanted you to like yeah scorch the earth yeah like even after we break up i don't want you going back and seeing anybody if i downloaded tinder right now i wouldn't have any of my matches like there's a way to go into tinder and be like

yeah yeah a hard reset i can't even know how to i don't even know how to do it again she also made you delete your phone right she said she wanted you to erase uh do a hard do be burn out a fub burn herself that only she can access and that's the only one you get uh it's so exciting but this is you're gonna be basically a part for as long as you're together because you're in la for how long now uh five days yeah and you're together for seven but jake and i are gonna go on a double day on friday i think jake just looked at me like as long as i can find a date let me let's let's i'm gonna get another microphone so we can all talk and then we'll answer another email is that is that good do we pause it do you pause it it'll pause in in real life it'll

be like a five minute break but in when i edited it out it'll be like i did it very quickly watch this ready see and now you have a microphone isn't that wasn't that instant wasn't that great we can all talk at the same time and no time actually elapsed howdy he's back uh i'm trying to think of what okay all right i got a good i got a good what a fun surprise yeah i won't put it on the the title so it'll be like a surprise for the listeners too that's fun yeah all right we need uh a female name about anna because she is the only one she is the sun she is the moon she is the sky anna writes so me and my boyfriend have been dating for a year and i asked him if he had watched porn since we have been together and he mistakenly told me the truth so after i got

over so after i got over the fact after throwing the obvious girl fit that was required of me i let well i know he listens to your show constantly i have even heard some of your stuff here and there i got on his laptop to work on my schoolwork and i opened up an email he was getting ready to send to you too i read the first sentence and realized it was about me and closed it and then i asked him why he was emailing jake and amir and he said it was due to the due to me throwing a fit when he bought a ton of xbox one games when i bought him the xbox he lied to my face he was letting you two know about the porn mishap jake and amir i need your help i simply cannot break up with him i just bought him an xbox one but he deserves to be punished sincerely anna that's so

meta because she talks about him writing in she's mad at him for starting to write into you about the same thing she's writing into you about right now oh wow i guess that is an interesting hypocrite right there well she's really mad at him because he told the truth he had watched porn since they had been together which for the record is fine but she thinks it's not she thinks you threw the obvious girl fit which is totally quote-unquote acceptable yeah good she also thinks he deserves to be punished yeah which is such a weird she expects us to be um so on board that she says after i threw the obligatory girl fit yeah you know you guys know the one you guys talk about the obligatory girl fit she should be mad yes why because you're depending on what type of

porn you shouldn't have said he watched porn that's his fault for saying it well it's not her fault for being mad that he's watching pornography girls getting banged so multiple but are you gonna give up on porn now that you're with anna i'll say yes but i obviously won't be giving it up so you're saying it is okay to watch porn just don't tell your lady about it and you could almost it's like so at a certain point you could always be like also i'm gonna lie and tell you i don't right it's like so i think it's like so not important that maybe dave's actually right like wow he just changed your mind you did a 180 well i just think i mean it's definitely fine and i think it's like fine to openly lie about it just like the right answer it's like saying um

when your girlfriend is like do it like does do i look good in this dress yeah you just there's never a reason to be like say no it's not your best look it's like a white lie you just say yes you look you look beautiful or do you watch porn never you're the only thing i need right because it's something you're saying sometimes the nicest thing you can do is to lie yeah and i mean this doesn't matter because it's not has no damaging effects at all on her on her so you might as well hide it if i guess if she's gonna be mad but i mean it really doesn't matter you should be a lot you're allowed to watch porn so i why not what i disagree though porn is gross and you should respect women in every fashion and form that your brain can muster up god you got a girlfriend and

you're gonna change i don't watch porn i actually i don't watch a lot of porn well that's because you've been with your girlfriend it seems like non-stop since you guys met eight days ago i'm actually a bit of a romantic in the sense that i i masturbate to previous sexual encounters that i've had oh i'm sure that makes you a romantic it might make you a diva yeah no it's a romantic doesn't make you a romantic doesn't make you a self-indulged uh sociopath that the only thing you can get off to you is you fucking other girls well i spit on my dick i don't even use lotion i'm fucking myself what are you talking about you know what i'm talking about hawking them clam dip boogies i'm a big fat you cut it's enough no i haven't even started yet you're riding a high

you're jet lagging tired and scared i'm so excited to meet this girl more than anything else i imagine it's you and a wick funny story but well i have a ton of stories already i went to the bodega on the corner with her yeah and like the the dudes at work they're like good friends of mine very good friends when i don't have enough money they give me free milk like a stray cat yeah they put it in a saucer coincidentally i've never had enough money and i only get free milk they also don't know that they're giving it to me yet i also am a cat so then you walked in with her i walked in with her why would he be walking him oh sorry you walked in with her yeah and and um he so basically i blah blah blah i went in the day the next day and he was like hey who's that girl

i was like oh it's like this you know below my life you know this is in front of her yeah yeah uh and he was like oh i was like trying to figure out like i was trying to make eye contact with you to tell you that she was hot but i wasn't sure if she was your sister so i like didn't do it and he said that in front of her too no this was the day after when i went back to get my milk he gave you an i o u for a carton of milk um we you're so open with her mean jake we're on speakerphone with you for like an hour yesterday and then you started talking about her and it's like oh i'm with this new girl she's so hot she's been on speakerphone this entire time and then she started giggling you talk so openly about her in front of her right yeah i think that that's like my thing now

oh you're like i'm not going to hide anything yeah so she knows the real you i think so well what about the porn thing i don't watch porn though but you're saying you would you would lie about that in a previous life i would have but i'm a change man now anna knows everything yes man anything she wants to know she's seen everything god what's her favorite color me what's her last name no you don't i don't say i actually i i couldn't tell you to be honest you don't know her last name i like i've like memorized what the facebook profile says but i can't pronounce it because it's kind of spanishy so you love this girl you said you love this girl you were she said i love you too you're prepared to meet her entire family she wants you to you're gonna get married

do you think i think so you should not know her last name until it's rozenberg yeah there's no that's romantic you think she would change her last name to yours yeah on a rozenberg did she say that she would it's an unsaid have you guys talked about getting married yeah have you talked about eloping yes getting married soon yes do you want to get married to her soon um i don't have the financial situation but that's the only thing that's stopping you but that's why i'm here right now what you're you're you're launching a kickstarter to marry this this this lady that would be incredible let's start a kickstarter to get dave a wedding ring well it would actually it would probably have to be an indy go-go right isn't kickstarter only for like nonprofits or something no this creative

project though yeah because he would buy her a 25 cent ring at the store uh well i had a question um oh is any part of you like this is it's moving so crazy so hot so fast that it'll fizzle out fizzle out um not really because i feel like we would have if we were gonna get sick of each other it would have happened after like day four i was like once you reach day five you're pretty much you can extrapolate in perpetuity that like for the next 60 years i mean don't quote me on the day but i know yeah is it um i think i think it's i think it takes more for two people to hang out like a week straight were you at your house or her house we we exchange we alternate she saw your room yeah and she was fine with it i cleaned it i fixed my bed my bed frame was broken for like two months

well this girl's motivating dave to fix his bed that's pretty impressive it's a step and are you positively affecting each other's lives yeah i um funny story actually uh the first night we met it's funny when the owner of a bodega told you she was hot yeah now that i think of it that wasn't a funny story at all he thought we were related because she has like red hair sure okay so continue beautiful and has olive skin like me you do not have all the skin well my whole milk yeah skin is translucent you're like the skin of an olive you look like the uh fish at the bottom of the ocean they get no pigment ever you know back in the victorian ages i was considered angelic they look pale okay so what's this other funny story um oh the way maybe i shouldn't say this

i will the she invited me over the first night we hung out to her place yeah because i started talking to her about like her job and her current situation yeah giving her career advice yeah and then i was like let me look at your resume and fix it this is date one and i did that oh you started fudging with her like resume to make sure that it was cleaned up and looked better yeah so i get back to her place and i'm like on her bed yeah oh my god i just realized like her cousin is actually a big fan of jake and a man i'm not saying anything bad i love you baby no it's like real talk right you ranted and raved about this lady you said nothing even resembling anything less than neutral have you felt this way about anybody else has this happened it's gonna ruin my

fucking relationship this ruins my relationship how fragile is your relationship that you being on the podcast for five minutes you were just describing it that it was so sturdy the foundation that i'm falling apart i'm jet lag your baby it's a jet lag talking baby uh what's her meton well no because i don't want to say that she invited me over the first night we didn't do anything we haven't even touched each other all right we just we just kiss with our eyes not even with our mouth my question is have you um is this normal for you have you felt like this about other ladies before i haven't so this is totally new it is and you didn't what do you think did you think you were capable of being so crazy love's got you feeling so crazy right now i'm not crazy i'm actually

this is the most sane i've ever been it is you're eerily calm actually that's why i booked a flight tally at 11 30 p.m last night because i'm thinking very rationally all the time yeah i'm on two hours of sleep and i'm feeling alive baby you're the first time ever uh do you want to try to answer one last question before we have to go sure yes um oh shit what did we we did we even tell this girl what to do oh don't punish your boyfriend for being honest to you yeah oh i forgot about that that's not a good punishment of course yeah he doesn't deserve to be punished yeah you should probably get broken up with you should also just break up with each other you bought him in xbox then he bought games and you got mad at him yeah that's a bad situation at all there's a lot of

weird stuff with that email but at the the the end result is don't yell at him don't be mean to him we're on his side yeah which is a sad thing to hear when you're writing in for advice you're like can you believe this guy you're like yeah we can i don't want to break up with him but he needs to be punished i'm on her actually he doesn't need to be punished and don't break up with him and you're wrong you're on her side on your side baby so now you just love all girls i'm just like a romantic like that here's another female question do you have another female name i do yeah guess what it's gonna be anna yeah that's what anna too right i've got a sticky situation on my hand i think my boyfriend is stealing my cucumbers i didn't think anything of it at first my cucumber slices were

stored in the fridge to keep cold for sin which isn't things of that nature and they were safe as they could be then i got myself a boyfriend and ever since that day the cucumber has gone missing i went to my boyfriend's one day only to find him making a sandwich using my cucumbers i could tell because i bought extra large cucumbers which cost extra should i say something to him why is he stealing my cucumber he is poor but not that poor any help would be greatly appreciated thanks love anna too i have a couple questions sure cucumber or cucumbers for one she but uh at the very least he stole multiple slices perhaps he stole one cucumber many times is this a single incident uh no it's it seems to be a recurring theme her cucumbers have gone missing and he's

using them well she's assuming that they only make a handful of large cucumbers a day yeah it's a for-profit business it's not than any of these so you think you're saying it's just you're saying it's just a coincidence that her cucumber goes missing and then he starts making sandwiches with cucumbers what she has to do is mark her cucumbers in some kind of really secret way yeah like injecting them with vizine oh actually you get sick that's totally you know what yeah he has done that yeah he'll go to gelson's he'll go to gelson's with a syringe and he'll like inject produce so that like they have little holes on the outside but the person that eats it ends up getting violently ill not illegal for some reason why does he do that i don't know he should be he

fucking gets he gets off to this weird social not illegal it's i guess because he it's impossible to get caught so like that means illegal technically it is illegal but he's never been like thrown in jail or like he's never been on camera it's easy to get away with yeah for sure john wolf does john wolf we all know i like the wolf man of course you do i love those eyebrows i wish i had half of his eyebrows so yeah does ana ever want you to get like um your eyebrows died so you have them well i asked her if i could go tanning with her she said i couldn't well i feel like those would sort of bring out my eyebrows not in a good way but at least you'd see them yeah because your eyebrows are blonde right now yeah but i know i

would look i would look so bad bad ass maybe hmm so let's go to a beauty salon and get your eyebrows died i'm not against it all right we'll do it i'll show you some before and after pictures of eyebrow dying it's actually pretty drastic it's not though because i've showed you pictures before where where jeff tried it on that one eyebrow and you couldn't tell the difference it's really weird you can show people pictures and they won't know the difference if you have a standalone picture isn't that a little extreme dying your eyebrows isn't that like too far people do it but like do people that you know do it or is it like just like an extreme thing like people get botox too you wouldn't recommend that i don't think dying your eyebrows is extreme

getting plastic surgery well botox is very it's a simple inpatient outpatient procedure what about crest white strips do you say that's on the same level as that's on the same level as dying your it's like going above and beyond but still not like surgery yes definitely i mean the cost how much does botox cost 75 bucks an eyebrow and then if i wanted to get my cheeks done that's that was an extra 150 or that would have been an extra i did got botox what are you talking about before it is so straight it's silky smooth what would you do if your girlfriend stole your kukes you call her out no you're feeding your boyfriend it's cute he's stealing it i think it's one thing if he's like in her kitchen cutting cucumbers making sandwiches if he's taking them

back to his house and not sharing them with her it's like game of cat and mouse it's cute i like how much this girl thinks of cucumbers like she buys them she slices them she keeps them in the fridge nice cold and crispy for sandwich i've never cared enough about cucumbers to go through all this effort to have a cucumber on my sandwiches she cares a lot and so does he yeah he's the cucumber thief and he's like that's actually a pretty chill idea it's so cold and it's not a thing to steal because it's like a healthy snack it's not even a snack it's just slice them up and you dip them in a little bit of salt water they're actually really tasty ladies and gentlemen are you a little clam-dip with that it's actually very good that's not a joke you check out my website

twinsest.com actually has a recipe section for what's in it uh it's a little bit of clam dip obviously uh and then some cucumbers it's pretty standard actually so much of this so a recipe that you put on your website would just be cucumbers well there's other stuff there's twinsest stuff on it as well where my brother and i well yeah okay that's enough sort of go full frontal and do anything you can't imagine on tv you want to see more cucumbers check out twinsest.com so what would you say to this girl confront to the boyfriend or just let the cucumber thievery go i say you do something where you film i don't know like set something up or you can be 100 percent sure that it's in you gotta you have there's gotta be a sting operation yeah you you're what's happening

right now is like you can't say anything because he's already eaten the cucumber you've already let the moment pass but you're on high alert yeah okay this is this is this is a code red cucumber alert so you set up a sting uh put like a gopro in the fridge way back oh so you have to catch him in the act yeah and then you say hey what are you doing so a gopro or like marking your cucumbers put a gopro on the cucumber so when he picks it up he knows you're watching yeah actually just build a cucumber with dye so when he when he goes home to like cut that cucumber yeah he's like so excited so cold and crisp and then sprayed he's sprayed with dye oh like an ink sack like when you get to bake robbers he knows that he's been had well that's

actually knocked down the door with your weapon drawn you tell him to get on the floor it's funny the dye thing is another classic wolf thing so he doesn't actually poison or ruin the vegetables he just makes them look spoiled oh yeah so like when you slice open a peach or a mango and it's a little green he'll be like oh this something is wrong with it why would it be like that this doesn't exist in nature and you're forced to throw it away because every once in a while he'll also just handle apples and peaches in the groceries and he'll yeah squeeze them a little pick them up and test them but what he does is he gives a little extra squeeze on the thumb right yep and he'll bruise a peach yeah bruise an apple and he'll do that several times over and that's not illegal

that's not illegal yeah you can do that you're gonna hold bruising the fruit you can firm you can hold produce firmly yeah they can't sometimes he'll take a piece of fruit from the bottom hoping for that avalanche oh yeah and he'll make it seem like oh my god i'm so sorry i have no idea but that's what every apple every peach is bruised still not illegal still very subtle and it's like classic vintage wolf so would you confront would you confront your girlfriend if she took your cucumbers no i would never do that to me it's a trick question i would never do that to me i think i would eat the cucumber from separate ends and meet in the middle i think i'd be too embarrassed you know why you know lady in the tram style here's why you almost can't you almost

can't bring it up is because if he just denies it then you're fucked you can't be like i don't believe you and you also like there's nothing you can do if he just says no i didn't and like unless you make a huge a bigger deal out of it than it actually is really contentious yeah because the other thing is like if you did do it it's like oh yeah i needed a cucumber i took it then it's like not a big deal to him but it's a huge deal to use that's a weird situation to find yourself how long have you been thinking about that that you that you bring it up now so this is what you do you consider the cucumber attacks almost that of having a great boyfriend and if he's really worth losing a cucumber every month or two then you have to eat that but then

don't remember stay on high alert i've got this cucumber thing if it persists go pros aren't that expensive but maybe before you do that for you get the go like a camera for the price of 250 he actually steals the gopro i'd be curious for you to try other sorts of vegetables to see if he's just sort of a cucumber guy or not oh like you know like throwing some carrots or just do like a half pivot to the right where it's like a pickle so it's still kind of a cucumber but see how he treats it and maybe some clam dip in there that's enough about the clam dip hold on hold on hold on put the pickle in the clam dip and see if he takes the pickle what are you talking about he's not a mouse he's not a mouse all you need is some king clam sour cream and then french onion

sauce i'm curious if no listen no no no because if he likes if he likes cucumbers no he won't be able to sniff it out oh no no you think he's doing it i'm not even saying anything i am hearing you out i know let's me finish my sentence of course she does don't you baby you want to miss you boo you know i miss you boo um she's a puppy because you know he won't be able to pocket a full cucumber but of course if you suck up the cucumber then put in the clam dip then maybe he like a glue trap you want to catch him in a glue trap made out of plain just saying feed him cucumber snacks rather than leave a cucumber out the open for him to steal i'm curious like if you prepare these cucumbers in different ways he'll just eat them at home and that'll be nice no i'm saying maybe he'll

just eat them at your place if you prepare the dish for him that you know and so he can't just pocket if you'll a full cucumber and leave i'm i'm i'm getting i'm i'm no sleep i'm i'm i'm no sleep i know i know hiya i miss you baby i love you know that girl know that girl i can't wait to play this pocket at our wedding what this is your first song you might be gone damn fuck you guys have a song what's your song come together by the Beatles because we do we're out of time i know you joined us in the middle so this is gonna keep on going i got so many questions the opening theme song is written by denny if you have your own theme song or your own questions please email us if i were you show at gmail.com the closing theme song is written by

someone called jonathan mckenzie mckenzie mckenzie he has a name and it's a good name we'll be back on monday later everybody thanks again dave oh dave's asleep he is asleep for those of you who are just tuning in good evening up next we got a new song from vance and the pinch it's called i wouldn't if i were you i would if you i'm wishing and hoping this love isn't broken but in my heart is true but if you were me would you see if i wouldn't if i were you you