If I Were You - 122: Gay Barber

Episode Date: December 22, 2014

In this episode we discuss honest assholes, jealous lovers, and desperate measures.This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

no SkyBuck mlyayy mlyayy mlyayy mlyayy mlyayy mlyayy mlyayy mlyayy mlyayy mlyayy mlyayy Scout out, Jake and the men Mlyayy mlyayy mlyayy mlyayy mlyayy What's the deal, got a big problem You fucked a bitch you didn't wear cotton

You love a girl you thought loved you too You found out she fucked some dude Oh you gotta go to dinner with us One chick's dad cause you wanna get in and quit You wanted to get in the mid You just wanna get away I mean do you watch much porn on the internet Maybe you an atheist

With your parentate and they hate this shit and your best friends with a basic bitch I want to know what Jay and they make of it hit them up with the gmail They might help you out in that podcast get a fake name half-ass advice and if you's a pussy put on black I Don't he's good more verses More I want that song to be 40 minutes I want that song to be the length of our podcast that guy sounded profesh. He did I just want to listen to him I don't want to talk. Yeah, you don't listen to him over and over again

Well a couple great things from the email. He sent first of all his name is sky buck sky buck, which is a great great name Yeah, second of all, he's 20. Okay, just incredibly talented for that age Yeah, we're gonna go but up. He's from the he's from the Adirondack Mountains and he's been rapping for seven years That's so cool. So that's how long it takes to become good at something Seven years of Wrapping and the perfect amount of time. Yeah, and he's his emails very cool. He says I'm I'm proud of my music I make I listen to every episode of the podcast and I like to think I've gotten pretty good mostly because I'm a Narcissist, but he is indeed proud of the music he makes. That's great. So there you have it

You think I With you really tried I guess just talk about me if I really want like somebody made good beats Would I ever sound really good or would it always sound like a comedian rapping? I think you could eventually sound good, but like it's I isn't there a part of it. That's just innate Yeah, I mean you're he has he has awesome cadence. That's what it is. Yeah, I think you could but like you would have a specific sound which could be cool, right really owned it But the did you make up your sound or is it your actual voice you probably make it up to an extent Like this Kendrick Lamar like make his voice high and that's his

Thing is I think you fade mark. I don't know because I'm not a rapper, but I imagine you find your voice and you're like this is the this is the I mean People's voices change for sure Right, but you change it to sing or rap in a specific way. I think so. Yes Oh, so that's like if you were to rap normally, that's not what you would do Well, I mean it's rapping is it's similar to singing like you change your voice to fit the beat and like It's kind of like how we change our how we change our voice to do this podcast. Yeah, so like now I'm talking about my normal voice Oh, no, I'm talking of mine

But nobody wants to hear two people talking about it. Well, why would they? We make it so it's like this. Yeah, this is a pretty good voice Yeah, this one makes even when you had a bar like sometimes you'll talk I'll talk in a different voice Oh, yeah, like you want it like a cool voice. Yeah, so like just really like just like a deep voice Oh, you make it deeper. Yeah. Hey. Hey, what's up? Yeah It's cool. It's Gucci day It's like Joey's how you doing how you doing? Funny how well that works for him. Yeah, he wasn't that much better looking than Chandler Ross. Was he?

I don't think so. Did they either that part of the thing or did they just turn that character like Was there like we want a hottie so let's choose matt leblanc in that world They like didn't know what they all like all six of the friends looked like because they were never like wow Rachel you're the hottest girl any of us have ever seen You're like as hot as Jennifer Aniston or something. Yeah, sitcoms can't just like comment on how hot the people in them are I guess so some of them do like big bang theory. They're talking about how hot that girl is right But it's funny nobody in sitcoms ever says it's weird that we're all like really really handsome, right? We're all like good enough looking that we could be on television

Nobody ever stopped during friends and be like Chandler. That was like the funniest You just said such a funny line you should write stuff down. Yeah, no one ever Your sarcasm gets us. They didn't laugh on friends. No. Yeah, we when we're hanging out with our friends We laugh all the time But they never laughed Actually, we're always having a bad time. Yeah, Monica were never abused by each other's jokes Ross hated all the other five friends Uh, so anyway, this is if I were you with the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm amir. I'm Jake Actually, I'm sky buck. What that's right. You're

Stealing this man's identity cool identity. It's not gonna be a 20 year old from the Appalachian mountains who can flow Adirondacks either way. I got some sick. We're gonna be out of rondacks. Yeah, but it's from the Appalachian now Now you have even more respect. Yeah, I like the Adirondacks a lot I wonder sky bucks should email us and uh suggest other songs of him that he he wrote He has a he has a thing does he he has like a bandcamp sky buck Yeah, but he didn't include it in the email. Did you just go go? He sent two emails one because he forgot to attach the song I think I don't see it

Really? I just don't I really don't oh More info about the song submission. Oh, here we go The instrumental is from logics till the end and if you guys feel like plugging my reverb nation or checking it out yourself It's yada yada yada. That's awesome. What's you dick? It's like it's a url, but it's kind of all right. Let's get started. Are you kidding me? It's fucking hard to say it. What is the what's the first three letters? I don't even want to say because then people will be able to figure it out. It's w w w I'm just I'm really freaking freaked out that people will just google sky buck at this point and figure it out themselves

and then he'll become like Obsessed with this rap If our fans ever become more famous than us, that's anarchy. Do you think we have a fan that became more famous than us? Allison Williams Oh, yeah, well, she wasn't a fan. I thought she was more famous than us before she became a fan No, I think she used to like our videos Allison can weigh in by emailing us after the show But I have a feeling that

Someone said that she liked our videos That's why she was agreed to be in them and then she became she became a success household man. Yeah Then she became do we take credit for that? Obviously, that's uh Maybe taking it one step too far. Like I'm not responsible for her success. Obviously. She doesn't owe me cash It wouldn't hurt if she gave me favors and presents exactly and I'm not just talking about favors like Compliments or coming on this show. What are the compliments every enough? Exactly because I can't be favors that are worth cash. Yeah So she wants to Venmo me money for this. So that's like a huge specific cash favor

Yeah, a cash based favor where she just gives me money. That's what I want for you. Do me a huge favor It's really just like ask me for money Hey, can you do me a favor and just like Venmo me 15 bucks? Such a specific cash I guess they will but why do you want it? Just want it. I just want I just want 15 dollars I just want to like have lunch today and be like, oh, that was free. That's a cool little treat You know, they say there's no such thing as a free dinner. So I want to sort of prove them wrong

By you paying for me Let's uh, let's get started. These are real emails people are seeking advice They'll email us at if I were you show at gmail.com We'll read these emails and try to offer our advice at the very least we'll say what we would do in their situation Hence the name of the show If I were you if I were you If I were you If I were you skybok

What what skybok does not at the chorus of this song sounded uh, oh was it? No, I don't know All right, let's get started ready. I have perfect pitch. Go on. Uh, we need a lady's name Allison I hope the next one is a guy We'll call him william and then we'll be running out of names very quickly Allison writes I recently started seeing a guy that I met at a halloween party and so far things have been going great It might be interesting to note that he and his best friend dressed up as eskimo brothers

But anyway, here's the main catch whenever we hang out He somehow manages to bring up the plethora of other girls that he's hooked up with in the past Entirelessly harps on how much of an asshole he is and how he can be a real big douchebag to girls The thing is he hasn't shown me one asshole these signs since we met and I really like him But i'm not sure why he keeps bringing it up Is he trying to get me to think that one day this can happen to me like some sort of I told you so warning Or is his guilty conscience taking over his past just making him blurt all this unwanted info out? Thanks guys, allison

Interesting First of all, she says he hasn't shown me one ass holy behavior But he is being an asshole in his behavior by talking about Bragging how many girls girls that he's hooked up with. Yeah, so that's one Caught you in a lie allison Contradiction right off the bat two

when you're a human monster and you said that Girls the best thing a girl can think is that you hook up with a lot of girls because in some Uh, way in their brain. They're like, I want to be the girl that changes you. Oh, yeah That's a nice little way And do you when you play that up to girls? Are you as overt as this guy saying that you're a monster saying that you're a douchebag saying that you're an asshole Are you no you're a choir boy and you hope they hear that from somebody else? I Know they will hear that from somebody

Without a doubt if they know anybody literally anybody in my life If that person is a nice friend to them, they will they will warn they will give it definitely heat a warning They're always warned. Yeah, and that warning is great for you. Yeah, that's that's the deal closer Yeah, if the if the people who warn people not to hook up with me would just start saying oh, you should go for it He's such a nice guy. Yeah, that would I wouldn't get any I wouldn't get any I wouldn't get play I really wouldn't hook up. I'm getting play for sure. I wouldn't be able to hook Hook up and shit. You wouldn't get with anyone. No, I really don't think you would get with them I wouldn't get first base second base or third. I remember in seventh grade my cool friend

Uh, I'll call I'll just say his name Roy I had a cool friend in seventh grade is like when handsome guys became cool and nerdy guys didn't So like everyone is friends in elementary school and then they all take off and do their own puberty thing And he went off and did a cool handsome trajectory and I was like pale scrawny sidekick friend He would he I remember having distinct conversations. He's like, oh, there's like certain words people are using now I'm like, oh, yeah, what's that? And he's like, well, if you like make out with a girl you say you get with her I was like, oh interesting. He's like or you can say you hook up. Meanwhile, you were like six years from hooking up with anybody Yeah, like that's pretty cool. I can't wait to use those terms when I get with someone in college

Can I use it then how old are you when you had your first kiss? Oh teens Who was it with? I don't Need to say it was it it was a french kiss it was Roy I hooked up with Roy I got with him. I hooked up and I got with him and or her But yeah, things didn't start happening for me until much later I I learned the terms and then I just sat on them for five years before anything was actually necessary So you're like 16 when you had your first kiss

I was like 16 when I had my first 15 and that I was 24 when I had my first kiss I said I like 16 because it's a multiple 16 16s might. Yes 16s are pretty yeah, it is right I honestly couldn't tell you specific, but I would say 17 maybe 17. Wow Loser Fucking nerd Um What are we saying? Oh, yeah, this guy was an asshole. Yeah, I do think he's like what he's doing is tempering your Expectations. I feel like I do that or I would do that, you know

sort of But not in the same way it sounds like he's not counting on other people to do it for him, but usually that's uh If somebody has a reputation I think It's for a reason. Mm-hmm And if he's especially if he's telling you that he treats women badly, why is he doing that? There's only the only reason to me is to temper our expectations The other I mean does that make him a slightly better guy because he's saying it out loud to her

I guess in a weird way Or is he just doing it to manipulate her I don't know because like This guy's baffling even you he's breaking me Because if he was this way and he told her he was a nice guy and then he like disappeared Then he's a really bad guy. Yeah, but if he's this way and he's like I just think that he could definitely be saying it better, you know, you could go into it and be like I am the kind of guy that doesn't like to be tied down. I don't like want to have any commitment to anybody

And that way when he disappears, you know that he never wanted to have a commitment But I don't think there's a good reason to go into it and be like, I'm a shithead to girls Let's hook up just so you know But it feels like he's trying to start the reputation like she didn't hear it from anybody else So he's like, by the way, just so you know, I'm not a it's like, oh, yeah, it's him trying like hey I'm a badass. Yeah, tell everybody later But you've been really nice to me. No, I haven't I'm a douche Class A

Do you need a ride home from work today, baby Just because I'm interested in helping you out But uh, if things get bad, I don't give a shit about you or anything that you do I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. It is weird though. Like if he is not if he is a shithead then He's being kind of nice by telling her up front. Yeah So at the very least I guess my advice would be like tread lightly be careful

fucker Just be careful and he's telling you basically to not have any expectations except that he'll disappoint you So maybe you shouldn't have any expectations except that'll disappoint you. Yeah That's fine. Yeah That's advice. I think it counts I'd hate to ruin our record Of giving advice to everybody. We definitely don't have a record of that. We've This would not be the first one we have passed

All right, I'm just gonna move on to the next question. Yep. We need a guy's name William Nailed it. Thank you Was I presumptuous to say that she was a fan of ours? Of course There was no humble way to answer that question you set me up to fail I did not you said you think the humble way to the humble way to answer the question was uh, I don't know pass I don't like to think about it in those terms, but I at least said that she's she's more successful than us. Yeah She's gonna be mad at you. She's gonna be mad at you

There's no two ways about it. We're gonna get a snippy email. Yeah, she's gonna say take down the podcast Holy shit. No way. I was never a fan. Not from day one and not now not now not ever Jesus christ Uh, all right. Yo, jake. I'm here in kobe. I caught myself in a sticky situation I seem to have the problem where I love the feeling of people liking me So I flirt with them for instant gratification I love having multiple girls wanting my d at the same time The only problem is that I had been doing this whole thing when I was with my girlfriend of almost two years now

I never did anything other than flirt via facebook snapchat and other social media sites Other than send dick pics to teen and masturbate on cam She found out and was extremely upset Somehow she ended up forgiving me and took me back four months later And now she's still very untrusting of me. I've stopped seizing the cheese since then But how can I seize the pleas to make her believe that I am not guilty anymore? Thanks for your advice. Please love william William william william these are all like representing facets of uh your personality

Yeah, I mean I love when people like me. Yeah, you love flirting. It's my favorite thing in the world Do you like flirting with people that you're attracted to as much as you do people you're unattractive to do you flirt differently? um Or do you flirt the same? I probably I I get I elevate a little bit when it's somebody that's really attractive that I want to like me Do you do it the same way to person who? Is you're not attracted to or then a person that you are attracted to I do it

I probably do it better to people that I am attracted to like i'm a little less lazy about it. Yeah, you're more agreeable I'm like, yeah, I'm more in the game. I'm dialed in then. Yeah, that's like tom brady in the playoffs Yeah, like he can drop a regular season game at home and it's like oh, that was a trap game Right, you know, they're playing you know, he's still he still plays and he's still yeah So I'm always I'm never I never sit it out. No, you're never on the bench just seeing what happened But then the playoffs he's fucking locked in you're you're you're you're the great tom brady. Yeah, right? Uh, you're right. I don't think you're physically Remotely more than anything

Your talent is so much more self-involved than I do I think I was just ready a lot in common in relation to how hard you flirt Versus how hard I'm actually I might be better at football than brady I can pass the pig skin. I really as good or better. Watch this tight spiral. I'm not gonna do it with a real ball, but Imagine that shit if I had Like a leather in my hand just like Do it Oh

That's really good knuckleball. That's a 30 yard strike to gronk for sure Uh, so you like People liking you. Yes, you flirt. I like it and I like to flirt And then if you are in a relationship, do you flirt less or you're like, I can't not flirt This is just me always you just have to flirt. I do And have you ever run in a situation where your lady's like You know flirting is just as bad as cheating

You're currently cheating on me when you're really nice and friendly and cozy to these other ladies I've definitely had girlfriends who Are like I wish you were that warm and flirtatious with me Like the way like you treat me like you're bored with me and you treat somebody new like you really want to you're like Courting them, right, which is exactly the case. I'll flirt so hard sometimes that I do cheat I'm flirting sometimes. I'll I'll Flirt to the point where I'm fucking someone. Wow, that's so flirtatious. Yeah, you tease Have you ever like have you ever been in such a like a little flirty mood with someone that you that you

Fuck them until you both come at the same time. Yeah, that's so yeah That's the kind of flirtiness that I like the best you give them coy little eyes Fat your lashes and then you laugh at everything you say and then go down on them. Yeah And then my girlfriend is all like why do you flirt with her? Yeah, and you're bored with me. Uh-huh. Yeah weird. I don't know Chicks are so annoying dude. They really are so annoying Uh, I do think this guy's situation He said dick pics Yeah, that's cheating

That's causing a lot. That's certainly past flirtation. That's sex. That's sex, but it's just a picture. It's sexed I don't think there's something flirtatious about Sexting. I think that is sexual in nature I am a sexter It's probably gonna sex again. Lord forgive me Things that I tried to see See the cheat Biff don't seize my cheese

I can steal your cheese for just a million miles away. I got your cheese. It's his disease It is the season to be seasoned Bitch don't seize my cheese. I love my cheese What uh, what do you think? What should we be doing? I don't know. This is kind of a weird question. It's it's like how can I You can't you can't uh force someone to trust you. Yeah, you should have gotten back together with her Yeah, you sort of burn that bridge. It's ruined. She'll always be sad and suspicious of you And she'll always have a reason to be because you were behind her back

Not just like getting drunk and hooking up with somebody one time. Yeah, but like A pattern of behavior. Yeah, and like this is your personality. You know what about yourself She knows it about yourself. So you're either happy and flirting and sexting or you're sad and miserable And yeah, you've got crushing self doubt and no validation coming in from anywhere But you've got your girlfriends to trust but what good is that when there's not Trust from six different girls who all want you to fuck them You're not being yourself right now. You have to shine. Why don't you just get out of this relationship and start flirting again? That's when you're your happiest. It is so weird that like be like, I really want to fuck everyone

But I have a girlfriend. It's like, you know, you don't need that. Yeah, that's not a jail that you're forced to be in You can fuck if you can fuck everyone if you were single, but is it less exciting that way? No, it's still fine. It's better because you have to do it without feeling guilty or shameful So why doesn't he just break up? People should people act like relationships or like Sentences like I wish I didn't have my girlfriend. But you know what? Well, people I think people think that having a really good relationship like or a good Landing somebody that you really get along with Is better than being single because then when you want a relationship again, you won't be able to find a good person

Oh, so you want your cake and eating it too? So you're like, I found this person that I really care about and I want to be out there fucking everybody But I don't want to do that because then I'll lose this good one that I got So what I'll do is I'll fuck other girls and not tell her that way I can still fuck other girls But that's what what you're doing is you're hurting somebody that's good I think personally There's a lot of good people So if you're with somebody that's good, but you still want to get out there and sew your while though

It's a little bit break up do that and you'll be able to find somebody else you like. Yeah, there's more than one. There's not a shortage Yeah, there really isn't especially in shortage. Yeah. Yeah, you live in shortage. There's no shortage now And you don't even have to pay portage No, which I don't know what it means but it certainly rhymes and if you're digging just one ditch Do a couple more so you can have more ditch. Yeah It's tough to create Like a relationship is so necessary to be built on a strong foundation and when somebody catches you cheating or flirting It's just like your foundation is a foam a foam board and then you're like, all right

Now we can start building shit and then everything falls because it's all foam right at the bottom is just foam It's all foam. So you start like pouring cement in you like we'll build a good foundation. It'll be fine And then it's like, okay. Hey, it's actually all it's a giant sinkhole. Yeah Let's lay some beams here. Oh sucked into the foam. Damn it. We're bad Every nice moment we have is sort of underlaid by the fact that we're both kind of 10 Quietly thinking about the fact that I cheated on you. Yeah, we can never be truly happy and pure You gotta break up. She'll never forgive you. That actually brings us to our next question This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult

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You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you and that gets you a free four week trial Free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you stamps.com for sponsoring this show Jesus just read it here we go Hey, use your use your use your podcast. Oh, hey, I'm back. Sorry. Uh, we need another girl's name Hmm Allison only has one name. Hmm Marnie. Hmm right chill Hey guys, I have a question for you I've been seeing my boyfriend for a few months now and the other day when he was asleep I snuck into his phone and looked through his messages while I was in his messages

I clicked on this girl's name and found out that they had been sexting back and forth There was both pictures of both of them and long detailed paragraphs about what they would do to one another I woke up my boyfriend and told him that I read his messages and kicked him out of my apartment He swears that he didn't mean anything of it and he was drunk when he sent them He promises that he hasn't done anything like that with any other girls since we've been together. So my question is Is sexting the same is cheating? Should I give him another shot or is sexting fair grounds to give up And move on

It's almost like the girl from the last question. Yeah, these people are in a relationship together. Yeah And my advice is the same break up with this guy. Sexting is cheating. Sexting is not or yes Sexting is cheating. It's not worse, but it is a form of cheating. It's bad But there are levels of cheating there are and I guess it's just like what's your threshold, but it sounds like You know, this crosses it. Yeah, if I was dating somebody and I found they were sexting with someone drunkenly though They're like, oh, I didn't mean anything. I was drunk and Lee is always a lie Everyone can say drunk didn't you want to say that drunkenness is a good excuse? Yes. I actually did And I stand by it. So

Is it a lie or do you stand by it as a good excuse? Well, if you're doing paragraphs and the pick look at the timestamp Let's see how drunk he really was Oh, so it was like 2 p.m Read the if you read the text and they were coherent then he wasn't drunk enough for this to be like Off the hook drunk right off the hook. I feel like off the hook drunk is just like as k gf d d d d f And then a picture of his penis. Oh, that's good. Yeah, but if he's like I want if if this is eloquent if this is like pros Wanting to fuck this person. I want to lay you down. Yeah, and he was of right sound mind across your body. Yeah, yeah Yeah, no that doesn't that counts as bad right and it's totally grounds for termination

I would say so. What do you say? Yeah, probably and that's no good I mean it is again. Some people are like, oh, whatever we can move on and some people are like, no, that's bad I mean every time she sees him on his phone If you look at it instagram, she'll be like, what the fuck are you looking at in her head? The thing is even if you do change which Uh, I believe we're on record of saying it's impossible to change. Uh, but even if you say bad advice Break up. No one can change. Uh, the seeds of doubt are so Uh, painfully apparent that you can never ever truly get over it

Isn't that sad a one strike in your out forever policy We can have somebody on the podcast like some guest right now who's just like a more positive person than we are being Like no, no, like I didn't come back from this and rebuild the relationship and it would be so beautiful and and you've You've gone through this trauma and you've like rebuilt and now your trust will be even stronger because you've come clean on everything Yeah, and you guys are much more open and honest and you like can appreciate what you almost lost But that's bullshit That's what I would say to that guest. I would say you sir are a bullshit artist You're a bullshit. Get off of our podcast. There's no room for your voice on this show. There we go

You are a defector you are a rejector and more than anything else Submit to this lie detector Oh my god, he doesn't even believe it um Yeah We're very we're very black and white. Yeah, you and I Me and you Although it's funny because I've never cheated

And I haven't either Oh my god, that's what it's come to It's so easy to lie and be the person that you want. For example, I've never cheated. What else? I'm exercising a lot lately. What are you doing? I'm just eating right running every day biking and Actually spending a lot of time Volunteering at a local children's hospital. Holy shit. How does that? It's nice. I learned CPR and I was able to use it the other day uh much to my Surprise, but ultimate relief when I revived a toddler who had a heart attack kind of bust

That is very surprising that actually I hate to keep bringing it back But that does I I know we said maybe we shouldn't talk about wolf anymore because I don't want to get him riled up I don't want to be a victim of one of his yeah, his I guess schemes more than anything But legal schemes, you know, wolf once took a cpr Uh Teaching class he it's like a very intensive course because you have to pass like Emt classes and get much past cpr and like this whole that's much to cost money It's yeah, I think he said it was like $2,900 a class and he had to take four week court like four four week courses

Because at the end you can like theoretically be hired, right? So he was hired and he was hired to teach basically The classes that he was taking and whenever there was like a supervisor there He would teach the right way to do CPR because he knew it exactly He understood the system But the moment like that because there's always a supervisor in because it's like kind of a liability issue if somebody's teaching it incorrectly You need two people in the class, right? But he'll like sort of like I know we need two people

But you've seen me do this a bunch of times if you need to take off like if it's a rainy day and the The supervisors want to come in so he'll urge the supervisor to stay at home and then he'll Yeah, I don't know how else to say he would teach CPR incorrectly He'll say pump here like pump on your shoulder instead of the chest so that it doesn't get the lungs going He'll say you're not supposed to don't you don't necessarily have to hold the nose Shark while you while you blow into their mouth when all that does is just recycle the air from the mouth into the outside of The nose dangerous. It's dangerous, but it's not illegal Oh, no

Wow, because he's not technically killing anyone and it is Like we I feel like we're repeating ourselves, but it's subtle It's super subtle and it's not illegal and it's just vintage wolf Just another like inconvenient thing that I've seen and heard him do He'll go to a gas station. Oh, just a gas up, you know, that's fine. Um, so far so good Yeah, I don't see how this is a scheme actually So like I know we like give him a lot of shit, but I feel like oh, yeah That was the end of the story. What that was the end

Oh, yeah, so like I don't want to like throw him under the bus like I also go to gas stations We should be completely honest. He'll go to a gas station. Oh, there is more. Yeah, there is. Uh, he'll go to a gas station Wait for like a minivan family of three or four, you know, somebody who's just There to get gas as well. Yeah, maybe on a road trip. Oh, he'll say he'll look at his phone. He'll say, oh Wow, I just I had this app gases 30 cents cheaper just the mile up the road And the guy's like, oh really? He says, yeah, follow me

He'll drive up the road. There's no other gas thing. What? It's just a little tickling move to ruin this father's day And then they have to drive all the way back to the gas station. They have to drive back. Yeah That's such a yeah, it's subtle. It's not illegal. No, you can you can lie to people That's what's the weird part of our society. Yeah, he'll he'll drive a mile up the road Flip the bird out the window and just pedal to the floor He's out of there And this guy is just no no idea what to do

It's probably at this point like angry and yelling at his kids for no reason So everyone's day is just ruined. Yeah a little bit. He's he's kind of like bill mar and that he marrs things Yeah, yeah, so like another way to call him is john mar or global mar based on You know, he asked people to call the hall column global, right? I've said that one. I heard he introduces himself as global Oh He'll be like, hi, I'm global. It's such a it's so not illegal You can do that. Uh-huh god, it's so fucked up. It's so fucked. Uh, we don't really have a sponsor

So this is sort of our break. It's like a chill-out zone. Um Oh shows houston and austin we're coming to texas the texas tuesday land of vegas You gotta stop saying that because then people in atlanta and vegas are gonna be confused, right? Well doing a show in vegas might be amazing. Let me find out. Well, we should do a live podcast tour We don't just don't know how to do that. Oh Okay, all right. Well for now, we'll settle for austin on january 24th and houston on january 25th at the come and take it houston's first uh comedy festival on the 25th and at the north door in austin

On january 24th my dad's birthday. Oh, nice. I feel bad. I haven't told him that I'm gonna be out of town for it Yeah, that's tough. I've heard the drone. He's come to the show and it's his hundredth birthday Yeah, so like I feel like that'll be a big one. That is. Yeah, that's pretty You know, I just heard actually recently so you should keep an eye on this but john wolf Volunteered to make a piñata for your dad's hundredth birthday. Oh, no, I cannot. I don't know where it's going I really don't but I do know that your mom said like it wasn't that kind of party and they didn't need it And he said please I've been working. I've been doing like piñatas as a hobby for years And I would love love love to contribute one to this party free of charge

He actually has a website with a portfolio of many piñatas. I hate that. He showed your mom and she was on board I can't believe he was in my fucking house. I know and I don't know where he's going with this But I do know that it's not going to be good and even if it is good, you know, he's just setting up some shit for later Yeah, like he'll do 50 good piñatas and then he really will I think he would he's the kind of guy that will do Like he'll make a tradition five years of piñatas Just as birthday just for the sixth year to do something so fucked And borderline illegal, but that's the thing I was telling you earlier I don't know what he's doing, but I found out that john wolf is 50 or

Yeah, 500 registered Yelp accounts Oh, what is he using? I don't know. We don't know, but it seems it is legal, but it seems like he's up to no good Why would you need 500 Yelp accounts? I don't know. It's so Ah, it really it's it's like a pit in my stomach when I hear stuff like that Because like nothing's happened with that yet. Exactly. Why is he why is he amassed that many accounts? It's kind of like how when it's about to storm. Yeah, you feel it in your jaw Eerie calm before the storm wolf is the storm Yep, and my brain is my jaw. That's yeah, my brain is my jaw. Yeah

This one's for you And you can tell everybody This is my jaw Nice fourth question Um, we need another guy's name Peter Pan Damn, we did it I know we really did it

Hey guys, I split up with my gf of three years around two months ago, which is really a good thing. Believe me I've been enjoying the single life swiping right okay cupid pof stuff like that But have not had much sex for But I have not had sex for a few weeks now, which is the longest I've been without Which is the longest I've been without sex for a good long while Okay, okay once Once a month Once a month I go get my air

I always visit the same Kanye is a therapist Okay Writing taking notes. That's curious Once a month I go get my haircut and I always visit the same barber as he knows how I like my hair Is reasonably reasonably priced and has a filthy sense of humor much like mine Yeah It doesn't end there. Oh, I already scooter paragraph

I get my haircut. It's a nice guy He also he's also a gay man in an open marriage and he tells me that he gets kicks from giving bj's to straight guys Even paying them for the pleasure It doesn't it doesn't end there He told me that he'll pay for a top-class hooker for me for an hour if he can watch and jerk off I told him if I didn't get laid by the december, but I told him if I didn't get laid by december 13th It'd be on if I do it. Do you think that implies I have gay tendencies? What about the moral implications of paying for sex to be honest?

I'm pretty sure I'm going to do it now that I think about it But I've always wanted to write to you guys for ages now and it just seemed like the perfect opportunity So what would you do if you were me? Ta-da, ta-da, ta-da Peter Pan ps I appreciate you probably won't be able to get to my email on the show before the 13th But if you'd like it, please just edit the deadline I'd be so happy to hear from you guys Thanks. Love Peter Pan

All right, so we're not editing the deadline. No, we're not the debt the yeah the deadline is passed. It's after the 13th This guy has fucked a prostitute in front of a barber a gay barber while he jerked off Who bought the prostitute for him? That's right. Okay. The question is what would you do if you were him? Uh, I guess I wouldn't fuck a prostitute while a barber watched and jerked off. Yeah, I wouldn't have done that either So you've already done it. Yeah, the advice is null It is void You have fucked a hooker in the company of your gay barber and he jerked off and came to you fucking a

Hort and your fear is that does this mean you have gay tendencies? Well, it does mean you're not going to go back to this barber because every time you go and get your haircut he will be You know, you'll be thinking of him masturbating. Yeah while you fucked a whore So that's a weird moment that happened between the two of you. I wouldn't worry about the gay tendencies I would worry about that moment if anything He almost has really straight tendencies because he wants to have sex with a woman so bad that he's willing to let a gay guy Jerk off while he does it. Yeah, I like the idea of a few weeks being like the longest dry spell He can't even imagine

Yeah, you imagine a dry spell that long Weeks dude, are you kidding? I would have been fucking a hooker while a gay dude jerked off yesterday year So I just think it's a dangerous slope to go down because I feel like this bar this barber This this flamboyant barber who's just thirsty for this dude's dick. Yeah Is like he's just getting closer and closer to it. This is a nice little easing his way in You already know that he likes to give guys blowjobs for money. Yeah But now he's bought you a prostitute, which is pretty straight, but still his penis is close to you

Sure, and it's hard and it's coming. Yeah He's just gonna keep on each and closer Every time you're going through a dry spell, he'll suggest something a little more provocative. Like why don't we have a threesome? Oh, that's yeah, that way I'm part of it. You're part of it. We're not necessarily fucking each other Why don't you fuck this girl and you can fat me? Yeah So like I just think that this is you're you're down a slippery slope at the moment Yeah, can this be that much better than masturbating by yourself? You're still gonna orgasm which feels fine, but you don't have to do it

You don't have to do it with a prostitute. You don't have to do it while a gay barber watches Right or a straight barber. I'd hate to even pin it on the homosexual thing. It's not that he's a He's a deviant or anything. Well, he is sort of a deviant. Yeah, because there's nothing wrong with being gay though We're just saying that that's what's happening right now. Yeah, just I feel like we shouldn't even have to qualify Be aware that this guy is slowly Urging you closer to probably fucking him. Yeah, and it's okay not to have sex for a week or two Yeah, you know, we're not saying that all gay guys want to have sex with straight guys I don't know anything about that but we are saying you've told us

This gay barber gets off to paying straight guys to blow him Which is so you're in danger. Why would the gay barber want to see a heterosexual couple go at it? I don't know. I think people are people get into all kinds of crazy shit Yeah, I would probably like to watch you fuck somebody You would be able to masturbate while I had sex with somebody. I don't know if I would be able to masturbate I just want to see it. You just want to see a live porno starring me. Yeah Okay, I wonder You know who we could call

Is Don't you think she would do it? Yes. So this is what we should do. I'll call And we'll at least broach the subject. That's a really funny idea. Yeah, and then I haven't even talked to Exactly, yeah, six months at least So that's why I feel like she'd be more down. Wow. Yeah. All right, let's do it Okay, and then we can release that as a special video podcast episode. You fucking yeah Exactly, right, and then we'll see how hard you get mr. Tough guy. Okay We'll have like a camera on your dick

My penis did just yeah shrink even talking about it. Oh god not interested Uh, well, that's it. That's our time. Thanks so much for listening everybody Uh, almost the end of the year not quite there, but Merry Christmas by the way Oh, yeah, that tis tis the season spelled s e i z i n The first theme song was written by sky book and this closing one was written by Nathan william Oh kind of in line with our uh, Our names for the the theme of this episode Nathan william wrote the closing theme song

Again, if you have your own theme stock submissions If you have your own questions for us and if you do have a thumbnail for our show for our facebook page Please send that all to if i read you show at gmail.com Happy holy days everybody and uh, we'll be back on monday Wake up in the morning. I feel like jake in a mirror. I got some questions. I need answered I think i'll bend their ear. I won't go to the starbucks off myself because I know I'll get some answers that are not from the shelf Don't stop because you know, it'll be hashtag dope

They give out some fake names to all the real folks The next four to five you'll hang out with these dudes and with a little bit of luck They'll be a guest too Hey, it's emily from the sex with emily podcast My podcast is all about helping you get the relationship and sex life you deserve For over 10 years I've helped millions of people get what they want in and out of the bedroom On my show you'll learn sex tips relationship tips and I guarantee you will be more confident

Get more and give more pleasure and have better sex just by listening to my show That's sex with emily on podcast one. That's o and e