If I Were You - 123: Best of 2014

Episode Date: December 29, 2014

In this episode, our favorite questions and answers from the past year.This episode is brought to you by TheBouqs.com and DraftKings.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

No sponsor this episode just us saying thank you to you Wow, that's right the listener You guys are the sponsor for this episode. So check yourselves out buy underwear from you Yeah, but get snacks delivered for you 20% off You know, yeah, the coupon code is our love. So please check them out. This is really bad Kind of nice that like you guys don't have to listen to an ad but kind of shitty that we aren't getting money Yeah, at the end of the day, we're not getting money for this So don't be happy about there not being a sponsor Yeah, even if you're like anti-consumerists sort of like oh you get off to free content, you know, like totally add free environments

Yeah, just know we're not making cash. So how's that fair and I'm sad. How is that good? I don't think it is This is our last episode of the year. We made it a bust a best of episode So it's just gonna be our favorite questions and that's right. We couldn't get it sponsored So we decided not to really do it It's better than a regular one because the regular ones like has highs and lows These are just the highs from the entire year. Oh, that's a nice way of looking as voted on by our awesome fans Let's give them a shout out right now the subreddit fans our slash Jake in the mirror If you guys are interested in a community of like-minded people, we highly suggest going to reddit.com

Backslash our backslash Jake in a mirror. That's a fun this episode is brought to you by her subreddit Yeah, actually, let's see if we can charge cash for it. Yeah, let's try to penny-pinch this a little bit Oh, I'm I think it'd be fun to separate all the questions and answers with our best theme songs of the year, too Oh, really. Yeah, it really is the best of Once again, thank you so much for listening throughout the year. We're done. It's over We're not gonna do it in 2015 because podcasts are sort of passé. It was fun. We had a good run, but now we're done Actually, we do have to keep going. Oh, yeah, maybe forever. That's fair. So we will be back next week It was fun. We had a good run and we're not done. So we'll see you next week. Hey, see you next year

Enjoy guys. We had yeah, this is good. I'm smiling I Got a problem stuck with these thoughts. I can't see the stop on truth is I'm afraid to ask My mom and dad wait, what's this podcast has taken a mirror? It's if I will you use your word to juice Make fun of you you the joke after joke they get to the advice. It's so good You'll probably fucking play it twice. Stop bitching. He's due to the remedy He ate you or even help you see the cheese. Oh, please turn this shit up We get it your life's tough and it's all messed up. This will be the only thing you need in your life

Laugh for two. That's some decent advice Grab a beer sit and cheer chicken and beer advice is right here You You know what this one is written by a British guy I think like you you should read it because you got the I feel like you can do a good funny British accent next so This one is written by give him a British name and then read that question. This is from Humphrey Tidsman Humphrey Tidsman writes I'm writing you from jolly old England with quite a predicament. I've recently moistened Relatively long dry spell. We're talking Moses in the desert long with a complete and utter

Tuppence. I'm punching well above my weight. We get along really. This is unpunctuated This is totally a rival. It's a run-on I'm punching well above my weight We get along really well with this female and we are currently in a friends with benefits situation But I would like to tie this girl down both metaphorically and Literally, if you know what I mean, I like ropes and shit After a knife of beverages Yes, she left she let it slip that getting her balloon not licked sends her wild

Oh Humphrey I on the other hand have never enjoyed doing this as I feel it's degrading And this girl thinks less of me for eating where she shits and Having put off doing it as I would like this f's and with be situation To flourish into a relationship, right? Should I bite that brown bullet and swallow her ass or maintain my moral Stature and stick to a purely pink diet Call her back at your boy Humphrey Humphrey Tidsman Wow, I can't believe we're gonna answer that question one time without you here reading it. Oh my god. That was fucking

I made my life I'm so conflicted by that. Well, would you eat a girl's butt if she really wanted you to I? Guess you'd have to I'm a very open guy I take all comers in the bedroom, but I gotta be honest I don't want to put my tongue in a butthole because that's where the diseases are the poop. I'll put my dick in there I'll put my fingers. I'll put a lot of things in there. Just not your taste buds What if she's like, I'll wash it. I'll scrub myself I mean if it's bone clean, what does it matter? I guess I would do it if it's bone clean or you can wrap your tongue in a saran wrap

Dude, I will fuck I mean, I wouldn't I would I'm Trying to think of a girl's like who I've gone down on whose ass. I haven't licked. Oh my god Mama turned down the podcast, baby my mom listens here She listens to the podcast, but and I will say mom She does listen to me when I tell her to turn it off. Don't even turn it down There's not a lot left. So let's just turn off the podcast mom. It's too late. You already said you can't I lick ass all day. I love licking ass. That's my boy. I thought him well

Lick a butthole lick a butthole, dude. It is. Oh, oh my god. I mean I'm I'm I'm I'm happy that there's a girl out there. That's like I want that shit down to my butt Yeah, and I feel for that guy like that's a weird predicament that I'd probably be in a being like I want to do all kinds of things that but That's true I feel like I feel like maybe she just likes her but to get attention and you don't necessarily have to lick her But say hey about what how about when you're like eating around your you like drool you spit a little bit out Take some of the take some mom. You're definitely not listening. Take take some of her pussy juice instead of like Take her asshole with your with your middle finger. Yeah, she won't know that it's not your tongue. Yeah, Jake

I want to know what okay now. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna ask you please So you're you're what do you do? How do you is that what you do? You're just spitting out you clean it with spit if I'm if I'm going down on somebody if I'm like how do you how in your mind? You're not like there's poo particles. There's poo particles. I don't care if there's poo particles I don't care. There's you. Here's the thing. Here's what I'll say my penis There's well, there's on us. There's poo particles. We have hairy asses. We like shit There's like there there's there's single berries. We wipe our ass and then like just like smears shit all up our ass Crack, there's shit. We're asses are caked and shit all we do when we wipe is just

Wipe our ass raw enough to the point where there's not like at least shit showing up on the toilet paper so we can Convince ourselves that we're clean. I'm not arguing. This is girls. This is my this is my case But it but the girls don't have girls don't have hairy assles. Mmm. I've seen a clean They're they have like three hairs on an ass. I've seen a hair if you've seen a I'll admit that I've seen a hairy ass They're few and far between it's true, and I would love like I'll eat out a girl and I'll hold her knees by her ears And just lick her from crack to click. She's I know Dude, this is not

And to think we were gonna end it I think this wouldn't have existed I really Genuinely think you should you've had to have said that before I Care from crack to click I'm all about getting nasty. I love the nest. I know you do I can sense that from you and I love it right now. I love the nastiness. I want more nastiness always in my world Yes, there's just a thing There's a gag reflex that won't allow you It comes out of the butt. I love it. I like that. It's it's his private hole that no one's allowed access to you I want to get it. I'll dittle it. I'll slap. I'll sping it and

So to answer let's answer this guy's question. Yeah, oh Jake says go for it. Yeah, man I yeah, it was because I think he's like I don't want to do it. It's degrading. I don't I don't think she's I don't think she's being like like that. Oh, yeah, I'm gonna get this motherfucker to lick my ass I'm gonna be I'm the best. Oh, yeah, he's gonna fucking eat my asshole. She's just like yo I like it when my it tickles. It feels good sure I think and she likes you she actually feels comfortable enough to ask you to do it's like show It's like telling you her fetish, right? I think that's nice. I think it was intimate I think you should do it if you like her

I guess if you physically can you should go for it if you're like totally like in a gag and puke and like not be All about it. Maybe you can meet her. You can it might feel good. Oh my god Let me rate it at oh god, this one's gonna be an rated E for explicit Not for everyone A Female named Reese witherspoon, that's right Miss witherspoon herself is Ryan Phillip E. Hermeself Hermeself's rights. Hey guys. Here's my problem. My phone got taken away from me from one of my friends

What happened was that in biology class? We had a sub and I let him use my phone because his got broken for a while And I let him use it a couple times before he admired my phone and wanted to get it But he never had enough cash So I gave him my phone and he asked me if I if he could use it for his last class He told me to meet up with him after school and he stood me up I knew that I would get it back the next day But he didn't come to class for the past two days and now we have a long weekend from family day

I haven't told anyone except my friends and they tease this shit out of me. Here's my question How do I get my phone back love Reese witherspoon Reese? No, yeah, I would make I would make fun of you too Reese got robbed. Did she say her substitute teacher? Stole her phone the sub I read that wrong I can't tell if the sub took it or her friend took it or her friend is a substitute teacher Yeah, or like they I don't know I guess we had a sub and I let him use my phone because he's got broken for a while Yeah, right a substitute teacher robbed you. Is that legal? That's definitely illegal. That's so funny

It's like why would you ever out? I don't understand why people are letting anybody use their phone in any situation Like I can be I don't even feel comfortable when somebody is like When I'm in my car and someone's like here. I'll do I'll do directions like fucking thanks, but use your shit Ass you we both have ways And I don't see why my phone has to be the navigational phone. I like to feel it vibrated my pocket Yeah, it's me comforted It's like when I ask you for what time it is you squeeze your phone against your chest and peer at it really subtly and be like 550 kg like an animal ever just show me the screen. Yeah, it's private. I

Got a lot of secrets on there So this substitute poor substitute teacher who borrowed this girl's phone and just didn't show up hired it How do you steal a phone anyway? It's like oh, I got a new phone this phone number is I guess somebody else's phone number But it's my phone now. How do you even admire a phone? I? Don't understand that what kind of phone did he have it was so shitty that he admired a phone He had a crazier. He had a crazier She had a chocolate crazier An iPhone 2s it didn't even matter it was just so much better than the crazier. You couldn't believe there was email on it

And this is actual so this is just real mail or I'll figure it out. This is nuts. So can I borrow this from a day? Everybody get out your Bunsen burners. I am uh, I'm gonna download tinder Uh, sir, I think you have my phone. I have my phone I promise now Sit down or you fail today? I think he skips town on this three-day weekend. Unfortunately He's got an extra day to pack now sister Sorry, Reese, but he's on a Greyhound bus straight out of

But here West Virginia or wherever it sounds like you're from that nobody that people are just jacking phones that are mildly nice Needless to say this family day is gonna be one for you to remember. What is family day? I don't know cool So what should this girl do? Tell your parents. Yeah, tell on him. Yeah, you got to be a tattletale in this in this instance I think you have to tell a principal or a teacher that a sub stole your phone. Yeah Oh, yeah, that's what you do go to a person of authority and I don't know why you even told your friends because of course They're gonna make fun of you. I feel like the principal is gonna crack up the principal. Yeah, the prince So what happened? Well, you know, mr. Wallace the substitute teacher. He I let him use my phone for a day and he never came back

Well, she was Reese here. I'll get the phone back the principal falls in love with it. I don't know. I really admire this phone So So, yeah, I think it's I think it's mine. You're expelled What? Yeah, I'm keeping the phone as um evidence They will gladly take I may have overstated that These dudes will give you some good advice or at least they'll try Actually, I cannot promise you that but they will do their best to make it funny

Don't write unless you're stunning The answer I Give me a man's name a man's name Geronofeld what wow, it's like if my last name was also a giraffe Hey guys, I'm emailing because recently I was pressured into launching a compressed air cartridge in the middle of class My friend said it would be hashtag dope and it wouldn't go anywhere It would just die down and spin on the ground a lot, but it frickin flew. I

Mean it went crazy all over the classroom and almost hit a kid Received a couple days suspension for it, but I could have received more if it hit someone Okay, now to the problem some of the kids in class are afraid of me and this And some think they can just get me to do whatever by asking me enough times and convincing me that it'll be okay How do I make this scare kids? How do I make the scared kids? Trust me again. How do I make the other kids stop pressuring me into situation? Thanks. P.s. You should definitely have hoodie Allen on for an episode Did you know that no my fans are crazy

That's awesome. All right So I want to update. Oh, no, no, no, you you say you do your thing. I'll get my beat ready. Okay, and Cool, okay, here we go now Brothers Detroit's in the house Yo, okay, you got a air cartridge. You are a partridge Here we go, here we go. Here it is. Here it is. This is this is what it is. This is for real Hey kid, you don't always have to do what people say You fuck you're fine, you're you're trolling me dude. No, you're so funny, man. You do jokes

Keep going. Keep going. All right. Yo, yeah Okay, yo Jake Detroit's in the building. Here it goes. Okay. Yo boy You are cool. Whether or not they tell you that at school You don't have to worry about what people think you don't have to worry about what they drink soda juice water or tea You are cool to your mother to me Well, I'm still going dude. Yo, okay, you oh believe in yourself motherfucka My name is Jake. My name is Jake, bitch. J-Money, J-Money, J-Money Sucking titties, sucking titties, licking clitties. Uh, oh

Oh shit, man. Launching into my mouth with a priest. Yeah, it sounded like it. We out and then you have to do it explosion noise. All right, I did it. He just kept going Like 10 seconds ago. I got really excited. He survived the blast like a cockroach. Here we go. You got just some good really good advice Yeah, that was pretty good. Listen to the lyrics. Not just the soda. Not just the dope flow. Listen to the lyrics. The soda, the water, the dope flow. I thought you were gonna be like soda, water, coffee, wine The favorite drinks of a high schooler All right, spritzers. So my turn? Yeah, but you have to give me the beat. That's your answer? Yeah, I guess just like don't worry about what people think. You should be peer-pressured into doing things because you think it'll be cool

Okay, all right, I should okay. Here we go What was this guy's name? Geronofelds. Geronofeld. Hey, it's Amir Blumenfeld going at you live gonna give you some reassurance Don't worry about the peer-pressure rinse or your parents or your your moms or your peers or your don't fear Just have no fear because Amir is here. Geronofeld is Blumenfeld. Here's my advice Yeah, okay. Don't subscribe to magazines like Vice. Don't subscribe to ideas like don't kill mice Do what you want to do and not what you don't. Do what you can and not what you won't You want to understand what you can't do? So please just stay in school

Or drop out third verse Allen oh shit, there's actual pressure to be good. Yeah. Yeah, this is you Well, at least to live up to what we the bar that we set. Yeah, possibly high Fall under it. All right. Now. I gotta give you the beat. Give me the beat though Give me the beat though and eat ready. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I'm ready Trap shit Real talk motherfucker Geronofeld listen up

Yo, you're crazy forever all your friends gonna hate you what you gonna do probably go on a date dude With mad chicks. You're the scary ass kid all them want to suck your fat ass dick. Yeah, I heard your dick fat I heard it's nice and juicy. This is cool. They love fucking dick. This is what I'm saying Don't even worry shoot everybody That was amazing and the advice was on point two I Allen Hale writes hey guys I don't often use dating sites, but I did just for giggles one time a girl sent me her number keep in mind

I'm 21 and she's 29. I saw her profile pic and she isn't the most beautiful girl in the world Go ahead. Call me a dick. Okay. I still call her so we talk for a while and she and I are nothing alike Here's a list of things She's scared of snakes and spiders. She is poor. She has no friends other than her 16 year old roommate She doesn't drive she has acne. She barely has a job. She just had a birthday and she made herself a cake Then she tells me she has a military boyfriend and just wants to be my friend Minutes later. She tells me she likes me. She playing hard to get or something the fuck should I give her a chance? I mean, I want an animal lover. There's just

There's just so many things wrong with her. I want to be nice to her, but I need your opinion Skipper Raven Shore This is life, what does he do? I want to know what you had for lunch today For lunch. I had a bag and a ham I slept at the foot of my bed last night. I Woke up put a shoe on my head and tried to get on the bus by giving the bus driver a nickel He said it cost two dollars. I gave him a bag of baby carrots I got off in between stops and I rolled home. I did somersault home. Everything is sort of correct

But a little bit weird in my universe You had a funny line when I read you this email originally, which is you are no You are no That's what you are sir. Sorry man. You are no Unfortunately as it stands right now after reading your email, you're no, you're no What's the funniest part Here's a list of things is pretty good. That's great. I love is she playing hard to get I'm trying to dissect this because I definitely won in

The fuck I love that he he's concerned that she's afraid of spiders and snakes because he wants an animal lover Yeah, I want an animal lover that loves so many animals. They love spiders you You don't like her in any way And you're still wondering you need our opinion if you should pursue it I think maybe go for a girl that checks a single checkbox. Yeah, she's nothing that you love for 30 I think you can find one You

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Yeah, Michelle Obama is actually married to Obama's married to My point was that it's Obama in a wig My point is that Michelle Obama's again named Michael Obama who graduated from Syracuse and he and he's wearing a wig and he wrote this email ready Thank you My stepdad looks at porn on his laptop quite a lot if I ever have to use his computer He doesn't delete his history much so it's pretty clear which sites he goes to I don't care that he does this I mean who doesn't look at porn my problem is this he doesn't get what our safe sites to go on not being tech savvy

I guess he finds what he wants mainly through googling it which leads him to clicking on some unsafe sites Which has given his laptop more than its fair share of viruses or other problems, which makes it rather slow He doesn't seem to get that's causing his problems and blames it on our internet connection Even going so far as to making us change carriers to try to fix it Is there any way I can somehow let him know what is really causing this problem or possibly direct him to some safer sites? Our relationship isn't casual enough that I feel comfortable bringing up the topic bluntly. Thanks Michelle Carter Williams Wow Solid question. I love that question. I love that the dad is blaming like Time Warner. Oh, this is garbage

We're switching to AT&T. It's also all because he's like trying to get his porn fast It's the absolute root of all of the problems. All right, the porn's not going fast enough I'm we're gonna switch carriers because we can't stream Netflix something But your search history is just a series of smut sites daddy ass damn it This is her stepdad too, right? Yeah, it's you can't bring it up I also a girl a girl's writing this question. She's concerned about her stepdad What a thoughtful caring person who just wants her dad her stepdad?

Yeah, to like get to porn faster and not mess with his computer. Well, I think it's a little more selfish than that I think she she uses the computer too. All right, so this dad is like Trying to adapt to technology. I think that's cool. He's like down to use a porn on his computer. Yeah, that's good That's taking a step. He just doesn't know how to use it correctly. That's right. Maybe parents don't use Facebook correctly. They don't use Pornography online internet porn. It's hard because there's no class that you can give You should teach a porn watching class at like an adult community college That would be a waste of my time. Why cuz they probably don't pay me bank and I don't do shit I don't leave my house for less than four G's, you know, oh, you know what my day rate is

What are you talking? I like won't make an appearance for less than 5k I just thought I ain't gonna part knowledge on some old-ass motherfucker who can't get off He doesn't know how to get to you porn.com. This that'll be like fucking 5k. I don't know I'm gay Dude, I'm trying to make money. I know, you know, I don't get behind this mic for less than 5k. Yes, you do. What's yeah What are you talking about? Our sponsorships are way less than that. Are you serious? We also did shows for several months before we even had a sponsor. What is what am I doing? You're not even getting paid. It also goes into a separate fund. You haven't seen a dime of this money We spent it all on on billboards and and fundraisers for ladies who want to go to Ghana. Am I not rich? No. Really?

Yeah. Are you dead serious right now? Oh wait a second my dad is Yeah So aren't I rich now? No, I mean, that's his money not not all of it's his money He puts money into my account. That's making it my money. What are you talking about? I have some of my dad's money So I actually have a lot of money I guess You guess

Sorry, since my dad puts $50,000 a week into my bank account Does that mean I don't grand if de grand a week unless I ask for more which I often do then so does that make it his money? Yeah, it's my account. No, then at that point at that point you are rich So you think you should not be proud? I'm not proud. You are proud I'm a little proud. You're happy and proud of that fact. I think it's cool. I think I can do whatever I want. That's great I love my mom. I love my dad's money. I love my sister's damn my brother, too I love my whole family except my dad. I love my mom and I love my dad's money You love your whole family except for your dad because he's the only one that gives you money

So you just love the money instead of your dad. I love the money. I don't love my dad My dad's okay. He's still my friend especially cuz he gives me money. I love my mom I love my dad's money. I love my sister's damn my brother, too You fucking asshole you idiot coward It's got buck Shout out Jake and Amir What's the deal got a big problem you fuck the bitch you didn't wear a condom you love a girl If I loved you too you found out she fucked some dude

Oh, you got to go to dinner with this one chick stack if you want to get in it quick You want to get intimate you just want to get away Or maybe you watch too much porn on the internet Maybe your atheists put your parentate and they hate this shit and your best friends with a basic bitch I want to know what Jay and they make of it hit them up with the Gmail They might help you out in that podcast get a nickname half-ass advice and if yous a pussy put on black Alex Honnold writes hey guys, I got accepted to a scientific PhD scholarship Which will start soon the workplace is very nice good weather no stress or traffic and the work environment is friendly

The problem is that I cannot get out of my mind some business ideas I have so I'm really not focused or motivated for the PhD But the scholarship will get me a steady income for some years in contrast with the serious risks of starting a business in a Middle of an economic crisis should I throw myself to the sea and find out if I drown or swim? Love the show wish the best for you Alex Honnold well Honnold sticky sticky sticky situation always got business ideas. Well, yeah, I've got some business ideas Actually, I'd be down to become a doctor, but on the other hand I have an idea for a business

Yeah, I actually have a couple ideas for different businesses One of the business ideas is actually pretty dope Yeah, so I'm considering doing that instead of becoming a doctor with a steady income with good weather and a Friendly work environment and last time I checked some businesses actually do pretty damn. Well, you ever heard of a little business called Nike Yeah, how about Starbucks how it works is people buy shoes and coffee and you get a cut Yeah, yeah, so businesses don't seem to be too bad of an idea Do they now in fact? I can't think of a single business that's failed between Nike

Starbucks just glancing over this New York Stock Exchange app that I have these are all seemingly pretty profitable ideas GE that's good one Right, okay, right off the bat this one universal Yeah, you have to make make real bank and actually clear channel clear channel Actually has a pretty sizable sizable net worth Yeah, and I'm looking at a I'm looking at a steady revenue stream and I can imagine these Warner Brothers That started Warner Brothers are Pretty pretty loaded. I bet they're well off and to be perfectly honest my business idea isn't much different than theirs

Is the cheese Can I get another I believe guys name I Wanted to give like another type of volcanic rock, but well this guy's names magma dirt Magma dirt writes I've come into a bit of a predicament yesterday I got back from a week-long vacation with my friend while I don't beat the shit out of your friend, please While I was away, my brother was supposed to feed my hamster every day when I got home I found that my hamster had been starved to death in a fit of rage. I attacked my brother And he ended up in a serious concussion

What the fuck the issue here is my parents don't know about my hamster And I was keeping him in my room secretly because he they told me I was not allowed to have any pets Now my parents think I attacked my brother for no For no reason and he's just going along with it. They're even saying they're going to send me to therapy or some shit What do I do? Do I tell them I tell them the truth? My parents are extremely strict and I'd probably get into serious trouble and lose my Xbox help What would you get into more trouble for? Having a hamster or beating the shit out of your brother for no reason. It sounds like I don't know the hamster

No way, he said he's gonna lose his Xbox and I don't think I don't think having a hamster is a good enough reason to beat like If you if you are like, hey boy killed his hamster. I beat the shit out out of What was his this guy's name was back with dirt? I beat this shit out of lava dirt lava dirt because he because he murdered my hamster You're that is just gonna be like you weren't supposed to have a hamster, right? Good enough reason to beat the shit it might be like one of those things where it's a tragedy because the hamster died So maybe you won't get in trouble. Did you ever like for you? Yeah

Like maybe if you like weren't supposed to like go out or something that night But like you snuck out, but then like you broke your arm. It's like your parents aren't gonna be mad at you We're gonna just try to help you. Oh, they're gonna be like, oh you idiot. You got yourself with the trouble Yeah, exactly, but it's like you learned your own lesson if you have a hamster It'll die your brother will kill it parents really love honesty So even if you've done something wrong like all they'll be thinking about is like that you came clean So they'll be really happy. So you just sit them down like look I know I wasn't supposed to but I had a hamster and they're like what and

and lava Lava starved him to death and that's why I hit him I know I shouldn't have done it, but I just wanted you to know I had a reason right also Not cool that he beat he gave his brother a concussion That's bad, right? Yeah, really bad Yeah, you're upset because your brother didn't care for a life. You just didn't care for his yeah Yeah, you understand and you're a human. He's a human not a hamster the hamster. I Could still really night hamsters today and everything would be fine. Oh, I could kill

I'm not gonna do it, but like they're pretty inconsequential as an animal That's where our animals are concerned. I think it's okay starved. I think his brother's everyone in this Just you know that the brothers starved it. What do you do? Clearly starved to death like I don't know it's a hamster. Sometimes they just die. Did you just get it? Hanzo's are fat little dudes. He was a skinny little dude. It's like Murphy was on he was like Is it He was a fat swole little hamster when he left him he came back he was a bitchly Hamster, you know it lava, you know I get it. He probably came back and he's like

How's my hamster and he's like oh shit. Oh like can you imagine the fucking deer and headlights look that? They're gay, but he's raised. Oh Full on raise to the cage Water Are you What Jake can her me Talk about if I were you I said

Tear I said if I were you I'd make up my mind real quick If Jake was you He'd probably let you suck his dick Dick That's what the song is really about dick Dickie didn't and that's what the song's about. Oh Jake's old dick It's got a nice D. I saw it in the shower yesterday It's ways and flows like this, but you don't know until you see and piss

Holding hands looking at each other in the eyes and kissing That's where we hold each other's hands we look at each other's eyes and we kiss for dudes Kissing For dudes kissing Staring in each other's eyes If I were you You fucked a kimono dragon Man, they're spittle kill you dude. Is that true? Yeah, they got poisonous mad poisonous spit

Yo, that's Tom. He knows a lot about dragons. Yeah, what other facts, you know, dude I know that they're fast. They'll really run after you. You gotta run around eggs. They're out. They aggressive They territorial and they spits mad. Can you own one? Is that a thing to own now? How do you can't own no kimono? Okay, especially not here in the city, man shit Okay, where are you saying shit? What happened? Just cuz I think about that one time. What happened dude? And at one time I saw a kimono dragon. Yeah, of course on the internet and I was like So I ain't never gonna see one in real life and then I realized it was true

Man, I can show you a dragon. There's the LA zoo has one. No joke. No. Yeah, dude You go to the zoo. They have them you shut your mouth. No for real you go up to the zoo It's right never where like we're Warner Brothers is don't be a asshole. I think you're just saying catchphrases now because Did I do that? 90s That is that from the same TV You did cool oracle but not a different cooler Stefan Staphane or quill

Fane or quill One two three four J in the mirror have a show But it's not the one you probably know Not the awful people they pretend to be in that one here. They're real Still a lot of fun Don't keep me wrong, they're still really awful people especially take we love them still Can't stop listening no, we can't stop tuning in By were you

All right ready, I'm gonna read it for the first time you're gonna have to listen to it. Sorry. Yeah I Falling asleep instantly Reading a graphic novel. All right ready. Yeah, I am a student who will be going to university in the fall So I thought I would get a summer job to make some money Eventually I found a decent job that pays well so all seemed to be fine However, when I first walked from my house to where I was going to be picked up from the job an Aggressive bird swoop down from the trees right outside my house and past my head I

Can hear feathers rustling with some it's so close And he took two more swoops at me before I finally get out of the area needless to say this Malevolent mockingbird scared the shit out of me the bird bastard now sits on a lamppost and stares at me and Stares at me whenever I This bird bastards now sits on a lamppost and stares at me Whenever I start to leave my house and tries And tries to attack me almost every single time I walk fast

He only backs up once I start running away He only backs up once I start running away or swinging at him with whatever I'm holding This nefarious foul has become a real pain as I never want to leave my house It's my friends and family too. What should I do to get this bastard bird to leave me? Leave me alone so that people won't be afraid to come to my house anymore so that I can safely get to my summer job Love number two Oh my god I'm crying that was it's funny because if birds wanted to they could just ruin alive

Like what would you do if a bird? Fucked if two pigeons decide to ruin your life. They could no they couldn't yes I could kill a pigeon So my fuck I'll punch it If two fine if eight pigeons wanted to ruin your life, they could punch you'd what call the police on punch all of them You cannot punch page it if eight pigeons were attacked and I got a BB gun Whoa come at me pigeon. Let's see it. Would you how would you get it? What the movie birds is based on if birds wanted to they could take over the world

Like we have not I have nothing around me that would I guess I could use your baseball bat and just swing Would you do a pre-emptive attack you're actually kind of freaking me out we got to kill all birds Actually, there's one outside right now. Give me the bat. Fuck dude. Let's fucking play bird baseball kill every bird And it's so funny. He stares at me when I'm in my house He's just fucking wait the various foul my friends are afraid to come over It's not enough I see like I have a summer job, and I don't know how to balance the stuff also a bird attacks me That's a crow. Yeah a winged beast a winged beast bully a beaked bully Yes, there's nothing you I don't know hurt that you can get a fling shot BB gun

Or kill it with kindness. That's right. Take a kind bar and put it in I think no or you can get a bird feel and feed it every day just bring it little pieces of bread or seeds Yeah, and then and then like fiberglass fiberglass in the seeds. Yeah, no no that way when it eats it School and you like pull the girl whose hair pull the girls who you have a crush on you pull her Oh, so this birds is trying to fuck. I think yeah, I think he's I think just attracted to him Yeah, I think I think the bird just likes you. Yeah, maybe you look like a bird yourself Maybe you have like a beak a long nose or something feathers and yeah wings Yeah, I started to think this whole email was written by none other than a bird

Did it specify that he was human it says at the end PS. I'm a bird. So yeah, it's just Yeah, we're all human the human kind is safe. Um, all right Next real question Just want a snack from her nature box She's a real life cutie in her profile pick swipe right swipe right cuz I need to know I gotta earn this booty better make it quick. She's a 10 cent piece and a goddamn smoke show Won't you tell me what to do? I'm the show if I were you

Maybe I'm a douchebag too I'm gonna email him anyway Hey, it's Emily from the sex with Emily podcast my podcast is all about helping you get the relationship and sex life You deserve for over 10 years I've helped millions of people get what they want in and out of the bedroom on my show You'll learn sex tips relationship tips and I guarantee you will be more confident Get more and give more pleasure and have better sex just by listening to my show that sex with Emily on podcast one That's O and E