If I Were You - 124: Racism

Episode Date: January 5, 2015

In this episode we discuss our new years resolutions and where to have sex.This episode is brought to you by TheBouqs.com and DraftKings.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

And you see a goddamn Tencent piece You must seize that cheese Or they'll put you on blast So ditch that brood Find yourself a nude You gotta earn that booty So raise up your glass To if I were you

These two hashtag dope guys Get swiped right every time Tonight email them in Would be totally a crime When we can't YouTube that shit Or get a handjob on a bus Then Jake and Amir will make fun of us Or tell us to kill ourselves in Sturmbot

Sturmbot So the... Oh the rooms are switched It is a... Hey dude, don't mind if I brew Nice Just fucking sit down Just sit down

It's already late 10.56 The latest Oh no, you're spilling The latest The greatest Usually the podcast is already online at this point Right

Yeah and right now it's just in our brains I apologize What's been Gucci? How are you? I'm good Haven't seen you since what? December? December 11th I believe

And it's January 5th I haven't spoken to you We haven't exchanged a word I texted you December 23rd I said, hey, happy holidays bro Thinking about you, missing you Reach out if you need anything And I didn't...

You said nothing Then... I didn't need anything December 25th I'm just shuffling through my text message Just with you now Hey, Merry Christmas bud Celebrate this holiday but it would be fun to hear from you

Nothing Wow, yeah It would be fun to hear from you I didn't feel like it was a... January 1st An impending sense of... You okay dude? Texting your brother, your sister and your mom

They all say you're there, you're happy and you're healthy I'm glad to hear it bud So you knew I did but I had to hear from them January 5th, are you coming home today? We have to record And you finally respond, yep I asked you to pick me up

From the airport You're my boy, right? You only are nice to me when you need me If you were really my boy, you'd pick me up And then I went to pick you up and you said Hey, getting off the freeway now, didn't actually need the ride And then I asked you to split the Uber with me You requested Uber split fares with me for the entire month and I've done it

Finally split it, then I asked you to Venmo me the remaining half You said a split is only fair when you're paying for the entire thing Which I didn't quite understand So I also had to pay for the split charge Why not just ask me to Venmo you the entire... It's late, let's just... What's the podcast about again? We're not gonna listen to the theme song together

So I wanted to say it was by Eric Dale You missed it It was good It was a deathcap for Cutie Come on, let me hear it I'll play it for you after Okay That's fair

Thanks How was your break? It was really nice Did you have too much family time? You know, I had not quite enough Was it split between family and friends? It was split between family and friends It was really nice, got to see my loved ones

My brother, my sisters, my mom Did you meet Dave's girlfriend? Yes, I did Oh, we didn't even... Oh, yeah I spent... We spent like two days together over New Years And?

Dave... I can't tell if Dave has a girlfriend or a puppy She's that hot Just the way he treats... I commented on it on the weekend So I'm not talking shit behind his back But I never saw him without both of his hands on her As if he was leading her somewhere

It was like a contest where if he let go Somebody else got to have her He was just pulling her everywhere And like pushing her into rooms I also have one really funny picture Pushing and pulling her into and out of rooms At one point they were like... We stayed in a big house with a bunch of people

And they didn't get a private bedroom So as I was going up to bed on New Years I saw them bringing a bunch of blankets and pillows Into a pantry and locking the door And Dave says, we got to have somewhere to fuck And then she said, sleep And he said, oh, okay For them it's the same thing

I also have a really funny picture of just the two of them Out on a porch, it's like 30 degrees out So pretty cold Dave has a blanket over his lap She's like curled up with a blanket on a jacket Looking at him and he's just cigarette in his mouth And his eyes on his phone You did send me a photo at one point saying

This is Dave's phone Mophie Which is an external iPhone charger And then he had a Mophie charger Yeah, he had something called... I don't know what it is But it's a Mophie booster So it's a thing that charges your battery For up to six hours and two minutes or whatever

It's just this brick of power That you just plug the phone into Energy It takes a year to charge it But once you do it, it can charge your phone In a second and a half It melts your phone And then his phone was also at 19% battery

Yeah, his phone was almost dead He had every single charger So many extra chargers, so many Mophies There was also one day where he had all those in his pocket And then his phone was dead Were those things drained? Or did he just not use them? They were drained few, I guess

I don't know if he charges them or if he likes carrying them around We made a joke once in our videos that You're like, I've never seen your phone above 7% battery Which is actually how Dave lives his life Oh, God Oh, no Oh, my God Alright, that's okay

Peer up my nose Well, I guess let's actually start the show Well, we can talk about it throughout Or you want to just go through the whole thing right now No, you're right We can just get into a question Interweave it, yeah This is, if I were you, the only advice

Oh, okay, he's back How are you doing? You breathed a beer Yeah, when we were talking about Dave's phone It sounds like you're getting choked up Yeah I just love honest so much If I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet

Husted by us, I'm Amir And I'm Jake We recorded all these podcasts before you left That's how we were able to do that Now that you're back, we gotta really hit the ground running We get emails from people in sticky situations They need our advice and we do our best to answer it on the show The first question, actually, I have a good one

It sort of reminds, it's a jumping off point From the story that you said about Dave Oh, perfect What should we call this person? It's a male It's a male, I'll just go with people Who are at our New Year's retreat Oh, that's good

Vinny Dear Jake and Amir, I have a problem My girlfriend and I have nowhere to bone The last few times we've done it in our car But we both want to do it somewhere else Both of our parents are home All the time, so that eliminates that Do you guys have any suggestions of places

We can do it and have more space to move around? Sincerely, Vinny This is a hashtag cool person problem What do you mean? That cool, live with your parents Oh, I just assumed they were in high school Yeah I guess if they're over the age of 25, it's less cool

But if they're like cool high schoolers And we don't know where to fuck That's a cool, I didn't have that problem Right, there's something so creepy about you As a 30-year-old saying Like to a 16-year-old This is so cool Son

Son Where do you high schoolers have sex? They just do it when their parents are at home Or when your parents are at home and you just like sleep Wait, sneak into the house? Yeah, you would sneak into the house Oh, and then you have to be really quiet Right, well like

For instance, I might Have had sex in my basement When I was in high school Right, which is sort of like It's like your several floors removed Yeah, your parents are on the third Oh, I don't know where this guy lives I lived in a McMansion

A real McMansion My parents were on the turret In the fourth floor It was a Sears, what's it called? The kind of houses that were Purchased after World War II from Sears Catalogs Prefab

Those are like kind of cute Like a prefab bungalow Yeah, yours is a prefab McMansion Mine's a model home Your dad pieced together an entire house From an Ikea catalog It's mostly a rector But yeah, you could like

You sneak into your basement and have sex So the furthest room from your parents I feel like your parents aren't always home Both sets, always, all the time I feel like I have a memory though I've never had sex in high school of getting a hotel Yeah, people could do that I mean, if you're

I have to be a really cheap hotel Because if you're in high school, you might not have a lot of money I did that to masturbate So I would check into like a four seasons And I would J.O. And then I would take a shower I can't come unless I'm spending $300 At least on the room

Not to mention the robe that I would steal That's how you did it So you're saying sneak into your parents' house But do it while they're asleep in a different room Yeah, I think It is a really unique problem to have So like Sad

You want to have sex And you have to do it in a car It's interesting that it's a scene It's like a one novelty place that you want to do it like Once or something Every single time I want to make love With this girl that I'm seeing You think if he told her

It's not bad to have sex It's not like drugs It's just parents If you're in high school You're too young to have sex I mean I don't actually I wonder what I think the law is that if you're both under 18

Then It's fine I wonder what it is I think it's different all the time But for some reason I thought I remembered That in Connecticut it was like legal for two 16 year olds To have sex I'm sure I'm wrong

I just say I'm wrong now So jokes on you I don't want to see the fucking reddit And the tweets and being like actually Jake It's illegal you're under arrest Just relax I was kidding Wow You're cynical in your

The new year 2015 is off to a rough start I've been called out twice I snorted beer Alright So your advice is to do it in A secret room of your house Sneak it

It's still not ideal Because you want to just be able to Lay down with your girlfriend Be loud Have the freedom to just really That's why I suggest cheap hotel There's got to be cheap hotels And you don't care about how shitty hotels are

When you're 17 Don't you have to be like 18 to rent a hotel room? I thought I remembered that That's another law that you're making up I definitely remember being afraid to Rent a hotel room And like afraid they'd ask for RIDs and stuff A hotel?

Why would there be an age minimum to rent a hotel? Should I even look this up? I guess so I guess I'm curious Why are you added to the under 18 and connected thing? That one will be a really deep search Hotel room Age minimum

Minimum age requirement for renting hotel rooms Young adults, particularly those at 18 to 21 Sometimes run into difficulty with traveling In the United States booking a hotel room may be particularly challenging Since many hotels set a minimum age requirement For guests Wow If you're under 18

It's virtually impossible to rent A hotel room in the United States if you're under 18 The legal age of majority of all In all states Why is that? I don't know There were hotels in our town that didn't card And then by the time we were seniors There were some of our friends who were 18

I guess they just don't want to be responsible Because the only thing that would happen in these rooms Are things that parents wouldn't allow you to do I remember like in high school throwing hotel parties Oh yeah Did you go to those two? No Of course not But I'm cool so I go to them now

I sort of raid them I will pound on hotel room doors Saying you're under arrest Even if it's just like a couple of fast asleep That's a global thing to do Yeah yeah John Wolf Oh you do have a story?

From the new year? Yeah I heard an interesting global story She exists Over Christmas actually That happened over Christmas? Yeah this Christmas and As I understand previous Christmas Oh my gosh

This is John Wolf Global He'll go to Toys for Tots That's a good charity They donate toys to children And he'll go as far as to dress up as Santa Oh my gosh Which is like

Oh no You already hate it Because you can see where it's going maybe And I don't want to drag it out So I'll just spit it out He hands out empty boxes He hands out empty boxes to these kids Not even Cole

Just an empty The other thing is He puts the ribbons on really really well They'll struggle with the tape and the ribbons For maybe 10 to 20 minutes He also Which is also very subtle Has a black beard for santo

Which is fine I guess But also kind of lame It's just bad It's just annoying He shows up with a black beard As Santa It's like what are you going to call him out I guess he should but maybe not

He brought presents so it's a It's a dickling thing to do To be sure Alright What else did we miss From each other What was your holiday like What was Hanukkah

Oh it was just a lot of me with my nieces That was my break Yeah I don't want to say their names But yeah I'll bleep that out But yeah I was an uncle

I was an uncle to two I was a vuncular this break And they wear me down Did you get them any presents I don't think so I hung out with them so often that it seemed like it was a gift to them But I'm sure they didn't imagine it to be That was the gift

And they annoy you You guys have to go away Yeah of course They're like so cute It's quite enough You want to hug me and hang on to me And it's very cute and it's great You want to hear me talk

You laugh at what I say And then you're like okay that's enough Because I'm looking at my phone Or like I'm watching TV Or like I want to watch this football game And then my niece is just like She's like how come the lights On cars are red

I'm like I guess Red means stop and brake lights means stop But not all lights are red sometimes the lights Are white That was her follow up question What do you want from me I don't know everything I'm your dad's brother

I was not involved In any decision making process About bringing you into the world I shouldn't be here Yeah and then she like climbs on me And hugs me and I'm like oh this is cute actually This is a nice thing I kind of understand why people like dogs

Because they're like children We can get a dog We can get a puppy You like puppies I didn't say that I liked it I started to understand Because then when I said goodbye to them I'm going to miss them even though

At the end of the day I was like Very worn down every day You were like happy to go to bed But you weren't happy to see them leave Yeah I was still sad to see them leave Fuck man Speaking of which This is a great question

In relation to this The subject is am I racist Great So who's another person you spent New years with Is it a boy's name or a girl's name Great Nick

We all know Tinder is a great app But I worry it is revealing My inner racism When I'm swiping I often find myself Very quickly skipping past any girl who is not white I feel terrible doing this But there's just something stopping me From finding them attractive

I certainly don't think of myself As a racist at all So is it racist to only find your own race Attractive Just a little thing Also on a recent podcast Jake gave the advice Of trying to start off a Tinder conversation In Spanish

This is literally the most useful piece of advice You have ever given on your show Every damn girl responds to Spanish Ha Fuck yeah I can't believe I'm getting this racist guy Matches We should talk about my billboard too

Oh yeah Oh shit This is what going away for a month does It's almost time for the next Super Bowl But in the last Super Bowl we made a bet Where If the Seahawks won you got to design Any billboard you want using my image

And name And I had to pay for it And that happened the Seahawks didn't do Seahawks won by a lot That was funny I also missed that game entirely I landed and was like I'll check the score Wow

So the billboard I put it on my Instagram if you're curious to see it It's a picture of me Correct And then underneath it says my full name Amir Blumenfeld 31 Which Tinder does not do Do not say your full name

Because Tinder understands the beauty of Keeping things slightly private And then to the right of my picture Is the phrase Hipsters of Los Feliz Which is an area of Los Angeles that we live next to It's like where actual hipsters do live It says hipsters of Los Feliz

Swipe me right on Tinder Right That's the basic gist And then the left side is your image And essentially a screenshot of your Tinder bio Which reads Amir Blumenfeld 31 What does it say?

Stylish recognizable actor With athletic build Parentheses rock climber And then sushi lover Funny lonely Yeah So it looks like For real though

I completely forgot that Tinder doesn't have your last name Yeah That was an actual blunder That was not on purpose But to the untrained eye To people that don't know that this is a joke People assume One, I either took out a billboard to announce

That I live in Los Feliz A recognizable actor And that you should swipe me right on Tinder Or two, it's like a weird Tinder billboard And I'm the spokesperson I'm the model that they chose Either way, it's pretty weird Either way, it's bad for me

Are you embarrassed by it? I will say that I ate lunch next to it It's right next to a restaurant called Alcove I guess we could say that And I felt ashamed to stand on Like next to the billboard Because what if somebody saw it and saw me Oh man, that's so fun

Has anybody commented out of the blue That they had passed it? Well, Ricky Sent us the picture at first But nobody, like no stranger Has approached me on the street and be like Are you the guy from the billboard? Right, but any of our friends have they also seen it?

I guess they've followed you on Instagram Yeah, I think they've seen it on Instagram What would you have done for me? Because I've had a lot of people ask me What would he have done for you I don't know I don't think it would be something similar I can't imagine it to be

Yeah, it would be something similar I mean, yelling at people who live in Los Feliz Saying attention hipsters is pretty bad Yeah, that's the most embarrassing And the funny thing is that you gave me that line Oh yeah When I told you I was thinking of doing a tinder Like a tinder billboard

You were like, hipsters of Los Feliz Put down your pumpkin spice lattes And swipe me right out of tinder Which I wanted to do, but there wasn't enough space Yeah, it is hard to like Because you can't put a lot of information on a billboard Right, you just have to It's got to be like mostly graphic

Graphic We should say that Garrett Boatman helped design it The guy that created text to jake.com Correct What are we about to say? I was going to say, should we do another Should we do a similar bet for this Super Bowl It's funny because when we did the Super Bowl

I know so much more about football than you, so I thought it was sort of taking advantage Of you, because like Denver was favored Right And you weren't giving me odds You basically should have won 1.4 billboards For every billboard that I bet But you were just like, I think Seattle will win

Oh, now you're trying to put me on blast Yeah You didn't know that you didn't watch the ox games Yes, you never You never bet on Russell Wilson Russell Wilson in the backfield Do you know that they're not in the playoffs this year? Yeah, but that's

That's semantics They actually are in the playoffs this year Yeah, but that's semantics is what I'm saying But yeah, I'm down to do another Super Bowl bet Just because it would be funny to One extend my billboard For another month if I lose Or maybe you can come up with a new one

And two, I'd like to try to figure out What I would do for you I'm thinking a bench campaign actually Oh, bench or bust campaign Would be really nice That's how this one started Can we have two benches and then some guys Actually, we do have a billboard that just opened up

Two miles from where you live Yeah, that was perfect Where was this question even? Oh, is this guy racist? Yes, right? I think he is Well, I looked up the definition of racist Because I was sort of leaning Towards a

No, not racist The way he phrased, I keep on swiping them left Like, that's pretty racist Because first I thought that racism was like You have to Hate or look down on another race But the definition that he says is Or that is in this sounds like

What this guy is going through Which is a belief that race is the primary determinant Of human traits And capacities and that racial differences Produce an inherent superiority Of a particular race There you have it, man, you're racist But

Can't I say that Just to play devil's advocate If I'm only attracted to females Am I sexist? You literally are playing the devil's advocate right now Am I sexist For only like females? Am I

Agist for only liking young ladies? Like Just because you have a preference doesn't Mean that you're saying that the other ones Like you're not like If you were, if this guy had a friend That was dating a minority And he was like completely fine with that

Isn't that less racist? I guess Like he's not thinking like, oh, I can't believe anybody would date an Asian woman Right, but he's also saying like I don't find a single person that's not white attractive And I I guess I would buy Like

If he's been on Tinder swiping and he's like Only swiping people he's attracted to To the right, maybe he hasn't matched Somebody of another race yet But he's like He shouldn't be like discounting them entirely Like I'm not attracted to black people I'm not attracted to Asian people

But what if you're white and you only Are attracted to Asian women And you only swipe Asian women right? Is that also racist? What I'm saying is that at the very least This guy is not extremely racist Not extremely racist But I think he should give other

I don't know Racism is a shot Maybe it's not racist, but it's definitely Weird, I don't like it I'm not a fan of it I'm not a fan of it and I think he should I think I need to go on record right now

I don't know about you, but I think racism is wrong I know you haven't said it yet But I do, I totally don't Like it I feel like you're putting With me on a passive blast Plast A pacifist

And a narcissist But if racism Is a spectrum I feel like this guy is a low functioning racist Right He's not a threat He's just like Swiping in his racist

It's the least he could hate It's the least he could hate So give Other flavors a shot Just blindly swipe Some right and see if you connect with them On a On a level

On a Non-light level Are you attracted to any specific race Over the other? Lights, yeah for sure Next question I'm attracted to Everybody, really doesn't matter

I guess if you weren't You couldn't really say so anyway Have you ever seen me not hook up with somebody? No, that's true You're right There was that Paula Panesian girl That uh Yeah, I hate

I hate people from French Polynesian From Easter Island I think She had a giant stone head She had a giant stone head If only we were smarter Ooh Shit, how are we doing on time?

We should take a break right now Okay This show is sponsored by BetterHelp Thank you BetterHelp If you're finding yourself in a difficult Anxious, stressful situation Talking to a professional licensed therapist Is the best way to navigate yourself

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Let's launch it Just use that offer code To save 10% off that first purchase Thank you Squarespace And we're back Did you kiss? Did you have a kiss? At midnight I didn't kiss anybody

It was very funny, we were at home And we sort of missed it Somebody checked their phone and was like Oh, it's after midnight Did you have a kiss? A New Year's kiss? Yeah, I had several New Year's kisses And in terms of

The midnight one? It was Vinny He was also the 1215 The 1245 And I think we Frenched it too At 315am We were outside jerking each other off

And I said, hey, it's sort of like the LA New Year's Let's try to not at one You did the math, Ron Let all the Be Oh, Vinny Do you have a New Year's resolution?

Yeah, to get shredded That is your Everyday resolution Yeah, but I'm making my legit New Year's gold What was your holidays? Did you have a fat three weeks? I was really On and off

I would go two or three days Where I was just eating nice Good normal Went climbing a couple times There were a couple nights where I Raged And then the morning I would be hung over And then I would wait until midday

To eat and then I would eat a sandwich And Annie's macaroni And just hung over My body craves this I just want to give my body the oil And that would be bad So I was at Stasis though

On the plane just now I ate an enormous sandwich With bags of chips So like I am Diet starts tomorrow I don't want to get shredded How are you going to do anything differently?

Tomorrow I'm not going to Get a croissant at breakfast And I'm going to Go work out in the evening Oh I've actually been climbing I took my nieces climbing a bunch Yeah

Your brother got you a new climbing shoe For all Hanukkah That's really nice So what are you climbing now? V3, V4? Yeah I was doing some V3s Feeling strong Feeling confident on the wall

Well it's been a year Let's go tomorrow I actually quit My nieces called me A dweeb and a turn And I told them to fuck off Turns out I took it to heart I got to the top

And they dared me to cannonball off the wall I did and I missed the padding I missed the crash pad The entire ground is crash pad I know but what I did was somebody I guess shoved me They reverse spotted me So instead of making sure I landed right

They pushed me They shoved me They must have really Tried to plan that To such perfection that I don't think I'm allowed back Insane It was a lame, lame 14 minutes

My shins killed I was out Cold What is it? It's to check social media less Wow that's a really good one And how is that going so far? So far so good

I've been checking Instagram once a day at night Really? All these photos to look through That is nice I just did in 30 seconds What I've been opening my phone for a lot all day So what do you do during the day now? So this is the problem

I'm still Because it's only day 3 Instinctively when I'm bored Open my phone My nicorette Is still not productive So I'm still chewing I'm basically replacing it

By looking at Our subreddit Or NBA subreddit You're wasting time on the internet But you're not looking at Instagram So my next step would be Let's replace NBA stories with

News stories So I can't cold turkey I can't just not look at my phone Hopefully soon you'll be looking at New York Times articles Yeah And Facebook I'm trying to wean myself off of Entirely?

Yeah, like I checked it today once Yeah The only people Facebook Keeps me posted about Are people that post a lot on Facebook And those are the people I care about the least Right Yeah, because those are the people that I don't really care about

It's like somebody from my high school That I don't talk to anymore Yeah I'm a slave to it It draws me in And then I'm learning about A girl that I haven't spoken to in 17 years Yeah, how dare they

How do they do it? A girl I haven't spoken to since high school Who has three children Who I don't relate to on any level She posts complaining about the kids You know so much about her life Too much If she had any idea how much I read her

Status She'd be floored She'd be so happy That someone's out there looking Oh, that would be another A good bet is I get to run your Facebook Like account for a day

That's horrifying It's more like It's more privately shameful because it would just be Broadcasting to your friends and family You know what I think would be But I wouldn't do a bet that gave you Cart Blanche access I would never

And this is the bet We each write five different Comments And it doesn't matter what like five different comments Oh, on other people's posts But like Literally you see the comments Right? I'll show them to you

Because it doesn't matter what the actual post is It has to be Facebook or Instagram or Twitter I think it should be Instagram because that's probably the The most prevalent I would say so And so as just like scrolling through your feed To choose which photos get the comment Oh, so you can like

So you'd go straight to ex-girlfriend And then you would just riff on that And I could veto how many of the five I guess you'd have to veto none Oh, so what's the point of me seeing the comment Like why do I have to Oh, wait So you are giving me Cart Blanche access

I can write any five comments I want Well, yeah, alright, yeah Maybe that's what it should, that's probably better So it's any five comments you want But I mean like you can't just be like Going and Yeah, no slurs It has to be intelligent

Well, you would do it so that it would look like Real Which is kind of like the billboard My friend thought it would be like Oh, I have explosive diarrhea Which is obviously fake You would do something like very subtle A global John Wolf-esque thing to do

He's an inspiration to us all It really is in a weird fucked up way Didn't you come up with like some Instagram thing Where like would you just scroll to like The fifth post down and like Who gives a shit What? Or maybe it was Ricky that came up with it

But for some reason I thought it was like your Why the fifth post down and not I guess just because like It's more, it makes it more of a game I think it was Ricky that I heard it from So if you lose, I can open your thing You go to the two Three

You just hope to god it's a public page It's our friend Sheila Oh, and you would write who gives a shit A selfie, yeah Oh, that would be a bad one I think Right, and you would write who gives a shit That would be She would see that and it would be me

Well, the next layer to the bet would be Can I Then tell her it was a bet Right, never But I'm sure one day you would I guess one day you could 24 hours have to go by where she has to think 24 hours, yeah, yeah

It's called the 24 hour 5 picture down Who gives a shit bet But we can't be who gives a shit Because I don't think that's ours, it's Ricky or Ricky's friend Alright, how about this Let's do six pictures down Just so he doesn't fucking sue us And the comment is

Dot dot dot, okay question mark That way it's Why'd you post this That way it just sort of Makes them feel bad You know Global jumps the subway Turnstiles on the way out

Yeah, so it's like he's Sneaking out, it just Puts people on a weird high alert I fucking hate that It means nothing I guess maybe they're counting Like in some weird sense this way Maybe they're not

He wants to fuck with somebody somehow That makes people feel like what's going on Right Is an agent of chaos Absolutely, on a very small level Shit, alright We have time for one more question And then we have to record ads and I have to post this episode

Because there are people in England right now Wondering what the fuck is going on They're awake, it's 9am over there And they don't know what's going on What's a good last one Oh, fuck These are good, alright Alright, here we go, one last one

It's from a girl Were you with a girl on New Years Or were you just kissing boys I was mostly kissing boys, but let's call this one Sarah Sarah writes Skype calls can really fill the loneliness So recently I suggested the idea

Of polyamory That in the downtime between us Being able to see each other We would be free to date other people He has been The side piece to couples in the past So it wasn't completely unfamiliar territory And a couple of days later

We were working out the finer points And agreeing to the idea Now to my question I've signed up for Tinder On quite a few dudes Part of the agreement with my boyfriend Is that we make sure that our side pieces Know about us

So at what point should I tell my Tinder dudes About them It feels weird saying it through text So I've been waiting up until I meet someone In person to bring it up Yeah If you were going to meet up with a girl You met through Tinder, how would you react

To knowing that she was in an open relationship At what point would you want to know About Sara So this girl is in a relationship With a military dude She can bone other guys But she has to tell the guys That she has a military dude

And that she's in an open relationship At what point should she tell them I'd want to know before the date Because I would want the opportunity To not be involved at all But what if it was an attractive girl And she's like Military scares me off a little bit

Kick this guy's ass He punched me through sky You fucking seal team Six mother fucker You're just in a headlock So what's your advice? Because I might be different I think she should tell them before they meet up

I wait until you're setting the terms For the date saying let's go here Let's go to this spot And just to get this out of the way Before we meet up I'm in an open relationship If that doesn't weird you out Then let's meet up, if it does

I'll find somebody else Who doesn't give a fuck I don't think any guy would give a fuck I think most guys don't care Most guys just want to have sex And so they're like This is what they would hear I can still have sex with you

And they're like alright I don't even know what you said after I can still have sex with you I understand what you're saying And I agree to an extent But it's just that this guy's In the military And I think a lot of the time What I hear

When I hear like I'm in an open relationship With my boyfriend is like Me and my boyfriend Have shit we're not telling each other It is complicated It is complex People are gonna get angry and hurt It's sad

And do you want to be involved with that And I think I'd rather know before the date So I don't show up because if I show up Then I will fuck her It's too late the wheels are already in motion I'm already half of a beer deep Emotions will become

Termoiled So if you matched with a hottie on Tinder And she said that to you Would you say no thank you I don't want to meet up She was like a legit Three Fuck

Now I'm hard Christ I'm coming No just like a very attractive girl Very attractive girl And she has a military boyfriend It's different for me Because like I could take the dude

I don't know if you heard my New Year's resolution But I'm actually not gonna eat a croissant tomorrow Which I think Was the one thing weighing me down Did you see American Sniper Yes I did Did you love it I despised it

I hated it yeah I liked it but I thought you'd love it Interesting You love Coops He was incredible I love Coops I love Soldiers I just felt like it was

A movie podcast It was a movie review To me it was Repetitive It was the same movie four times in a row Then you thought the first 20 minutes Was a little too heavy handed Oh yeah definitely

These are the sheep dog Fuck off Clint Eastwood You're not a sheep dog You know what else is a weird thing about snipers Doesn't it seem like anybody can do that I know it's probably hard In the movies it's just like Put the face on the cross hairs

And that's what being a sniper is right Right Have you ever tried to shoot something No definitely not This comes from a place of 100% ignorance I've only ever tried to shoot BB guns But it's really tough It's harder with a handgun because

I don't know I have to aim by closing one eye Like I'm playing Duck Hunt The eyesight isn't like a magic thing That just works and gets your shot It's not like if the X is on the face Then he's dead if I press the button I mean I don't actually know either But I think you have to like

You have a steady hand You have the face Like on that X And then the person moves Press the button that kills The rest of the kill button This is you as a sergeant So if the guy moves

You miss The face is on the X part So I have to go call my girlfriend Yeah that's it You can just call his girlfriend at the drop of a hat Yeah while he's working While he's killing people on his cell phone Hey baby

Yeah you can talk me off Hold on let me put the face on the X And ready And then the most interesting Part of the story happens In the epilogue Yeah well let's not Come on let's not spoil

Spoilers So if you follow the news You should know the end of the movie You're mad at me It's not as It's a spoiler if the Titanic sank right? No that's a bigger deal Than what happened

Or it was more news worthy I should say Cheers and turah Hurrah So tell before the date I mean you're kind of right I think I would probably still go on the date And I think most guys will still go on the date So you might as well tell them early

You might as well tell them early I don't think you're going to scare anybody off But I think at the very least It's going to make the date itself better That they go into it feeling less pressure And you don't have to bring up This weird thing on the date Yeah

Have you ever heard the word side piece? I've heard it but Not from a young person in this country I've heard it but only in chess Yeah You sound like aunt in this You're an aunt The biggest insult of all

You sound like a goddamn aunt I swear you don't sound like my mom You sound like her brother's wife You fucking aunt You're an aunt for that Alright Let's stop, let's get this episode online We'll be back Thursday this week

We've got a whole lot of making up to do But if you have your own questions Your own theme songs, please send it to Ifiriushowatgmail.com Yeah, that's it The opening theme song was from Eric Dale And this last one was from someone A French Canadian I think

Or just a Canadian named Laurent Sounds French To me, yeah, Laurent Sparks Welcome back, happy 2015 Let's talk about real shit after this Alright, shit, hold on, I'm still recording If I were you, show If it's funny, it's hot, and it's trending

They're on it And if you're into celebrity gossip News, rumors, and interviews You won't want to miss Hollywood Life With Bonnie Fullen Hi, Hollywood Lifers Finally, straight from the garden state Finney from the Jersey Shore

Will be dishing pop culture memes With all his famous friends We try to just make a joke of everything So check podcast one every day all month long For start dates and episode info That's podcastone.com