If I Were You - 125: Get a Massage

Episode Date: January 8, 2015

In this episode we discuss being cool, social media, and breaking up with your best friend.This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com and TaxAct.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is the podcast hosted by MIR. And by all accounts Jake is also here. They will answer your questions rather naughty than ask. Tell me funny first, but then they'll give you advice. So if you can't remove yourself from the situation go right into the podcast sensation call. If I were you, if I were you, because if I were you, well that's what I do. Thanks for nothing, Nathan Jorgensen. Wow, how dare you. I like that song. It was very 80s, right? Yeah, synth. Synthy. Yeah, you wouldn't get synth pop. No offense, you're not a musician, but for someone like me. I am a musician.

Go ahead though. You're someone like you what? When I hear that, like I'm a musician. You're a musician? Yeah, I am a musician. And what instrument do you play? I don't play an instrument. I understand. I have a music appreciator. So you're not a musician? You accurately named yourself the second time. Music appreciator. I feel like the pool of people who like music is a lot bigger than people who make music.

No, I don't just like music. I appreciate it. Okay. I'm a music scientist. But you don't make it. I can't, it's hard. Alright, so you're not a musician. But I know it goes into shit. Yeah, still you're not describing a musician.

A contractor doesn't know how to build a house. Yes, he does. He knows how to tell people to build a house. That's knowing how to build a house. I'm an engineer. I'm a physical engineer. Yeah. Yeah. Because you like Enya so much.

That's right. Nathan Jorgensen is the guy. And he said, my website, should you choose to plug it? And we don't. Namaste. Namaste indeed. It is championoftheheartresistance.bandcamp.com. Long URL. Yeah.

championoftheheartresistance.bandcamp.com. He can, I suggest, just like to everybody that is along, hard to pronounce, hard to spell, multi-word URL. We will sell you Koi Oil. No, somebody bought Koi Oil. But next time we have a Squarespace promo, we're going to give you some real legit, real legit URL ideas. Koi Oil was taken.

Oh wow, it's a Jake and Amir. Some guy turned it into a Jake and Amir type site. Oh, sweet. KoiOil.com. Would be an improvement on champion of the heart resistance. Not that your music isn't good, it's just that you just happen to have a bad domain name. That's fine.

You're putting them on blast. You made us a free song. Royalty free, actually. Hey, this is if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet. Brought to you by us. I'm Dylan. And I'm Dylan too. Dylan, T-O-O.

If we were both at the same name, we wouldn't be here right now, I think. No, I don't think so either. I would be probably a music engineer. And I'd be dead. Yeah, what if we just were both named Nathan? Nathan and Nathan. Would that work?

The Nathan's. Would we do videos and then this? We would have a web series called The Nathan's Show. And everybody would think that it was just a show about Nathan until they tuned in and they saw the spelling was The Nathan's Show. Oh. Hard to pronounce.

And that's all. And not funny or good. Yeah, have there ever been like writing partners or like a team of two that had the same name? I think so. Like John and John or something? I can't think of them now, but I'm sure there have been. I mean, there's also like the fairly brothers and stuff.

Right. So we could just be like something like that. Oh, we call ourselves the Nathan brothers. I mean, that's two people with one name. Yeah. Well, one last name. Right. They have different first names.

Sure. Of course. It'll be like the Mario brothers. So then if we are brother names or John, we would call ourselves Hurwitz and Bloomingfield. Oh, yeah. Kind of like how Laurel and Hardy had the same name. Right.

John. So how does it work? This is an advice podcast people write in and they are seeking our advice. And then we read some of their emails on the show and offer it. The end. Holy shit. 25 deep and I nailed it. Nailed it.

Stop the landing. I forgot to put my phone on airplane mode. Oh, maybe it's you too. But I hear a crickle crackle of a guy that's really trying to fuck with my shit right now. A crickle crackle every time that I cackle. It is me and I am getting texts. Oh, I'm getting texts. A lot of them actually.

Push notifications. Yeah. Here they come. When push notifications come to shove, I'm going to ask you to put it on airplane mode. Nice. Thank you. We are going to give these real emails from real people fake names to preserve their anonymity. Cool.

This one is pretty epic. So why don't we come up with a real epic name for this epic dude? Hercules. Hercules writes, Hey guys, I've been in a relationship with a girl for about six months now and things have been going great for the most part. We are basically best friends and we get along amazingly and are crazy about one another. We talk to each other constantly every day and we've never been in a fight or had any kind of conflict. Our relationship is by far the most functional and meaningful relationship I've ever been in.

However, of course there's a however, there is one problem. She's afraid of having sex. She's never had a boyfriend or even been physical with another person on any level until we started dating, not even a hug, let alone kissing. So she's very nervous and has a lot of anxiety about physical contact in general. She's had a phobia about physical contact with other people since she was a kid. So for her to even touch me in general is still intimidating for her. She is also paranoid about getting pregnant.

She's even managed to convince herself that she was pregnant when she was a teenager despite not even having touched a guy at that point. What makes the situation more difficult is that we're in a long distance relationship. We live 2,000 miles apart and only get the chance to be with each other physically for a few weeks or a month at a time every two to four months. So there isn't really that much time for her to warm up to the idea of being physical with me since we are apart most of the time. I can assure you that the issue isn't about her not being sexually attracted to me

because we've had the chance to mess around a few times in other ways, you know what I mean. And despite being very nervous, she does get incredibly aroused and believe me, the flood gates open. Gross. I feel like I've been very patient and understanding of her up until now as most guys I know would dump her broad in a heartbeat if they dropped $1,000 for a round trip and put in all the effort to visit someone internationally and didn't even get any prune out of the whole ordeal.

But I really want to make this work because I do love this girl. I'm just afraid that if nothing changes this time around I might not be able to handle the sexual frustration anymore and it might affect the relationship negatively. The next time I'll get to see this girl will be in June and chances of anything happen then are even slimmer because that will be her first time visiting me and she'll be very shy and will most likely be too uncomfortable and nervous

being in a new environment. My question to you guys is, what would you do and do you think there's a way I can get her to relax and be comfortable with being more intimate with me? P.S. I'm also a 21-year-old virgin. Love Hercules. Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Alright, next question.

Oh, no. It's the most perfect relationship. It's so functional. It's amazing. It's San's flaw. It's San's flaw. And she is petrified to come into physical contact with me. We don't live near each other or in the same country. Other than those two caveats, it is ideal. She is extremely nervous, like a rabbit grazing on a lawn.

If I step onto said lawn she will dart into the forest never to be seen again. Besides that, it is great, it is perfect, it is wonderful. I love this girl. I'm just afraid that these things will start weighing on me but I'm not the kind of guy that gets pissed off that I spent $1,000 on a voucher flight not to get any poon! She's just lucky that I'm a cool, confident guy who doesn't care about that kind of stuff. This is my one chance because when she visits me...

Oh, forget about it. She is the tortoise inside her shell at that point. I will not see her. She will be wearing a daft punk helmet, a space helmet. She is a skittish, scared, coy, and odd. But besides that, she is mine, it is true. And we are soulmates. There might be a bigger issue here.

This girl sounds like something might have happened at one point in her life that makes her so scared. Is there something she's not telling you, perhaps? Yeah, it's almost like the game shouldn't be trying to get her to fuck you but the game should be like trying to get her to overcome her physical discomfort in every sense because that should probably be... Again, we're not experts in any field, really, so I can't diagnose this girl with something except for just having the very passive opinion that there might be something at the root of it

and maybe she should talk to a professional and figure out what it is. Seems like there's this knot, a ball of hair or rope at the center of her heart and it's still there and it's clogging something. That's kind of poetic. And you can't untangle that right now. You can't take it out of her because it's too thick to come out of one pore. You have to just sort of talk, coax the tangle to become undone and then pull it out of her heartstrings.

And then when it sits out, there's the hole for you to slip your dick through. And very poetic at the end. And stuck the landing. Yeah, this sounds... I just feel like his focus shouldn't be on his penis but on her heart. So, talk to her about talking to someone else besides you because you maybe have a little bit of an agenda. Of course, but that's okay.

It's okay to want to have sex with a girlfriend that lives 2,000 miles away in this country. Yes, I'm not faulting you at all for that. I just think that you'll have a more fulfilling experience if the root of the problem is addressed rather than sort of the symptoms of the problem. And don't feel afraid like you're going to come off as a sexual deviant by asking her to do this. I feel like you think that you're the kind of guy that's like, I'm not going to pressure her at all. But then if you don't pressure her at all forever, the problem will just still be there.

I don't think you can just naturally get rid of your anxiety. Pure heart, do this because you care about her, not because you care about yourself. And then in so doing, if she does see someone and does figure out some shit that's bothering with her... If so, facto. You get laid. Jing, jing, jing, jing, jing, jing, jing. D Mi- Mm. She still has deep seated issues.

Yes. Past the tissues. He still lives in Canada. So there we have it. her get help yeah otherwise it might not ever become a non-issue excuse you absolutely excuse me was that the longest question we've ever answered I don't know it was very very long yeah I think I don't think it was the longest longest reading wise I think I did well yeah because I didn't stumble a lot no

it was very nice but if I didn't bring it up you wouldn't have said anything yeah that's the interesting part about doing a good job yeah you like if you read it perfectly I just don't notice and I don't comment on it yeah that's not fair sometimes but most of the time you do what you do well you know and we'll just move on yeah there's no no reward for a job well done just not a scolding yeah I'm an offensive lineman you only notice me when I do a poor job right if I'm doing a great amazing job it's like all right adequate fine normal one slip up you're bad I will say that calling attention to yourself in this way

demanding praise that's bad so it's called for you holy shit yep back at neutral all right next question this one will be a little shorter a little more relaxed we need the name of a 14-year-old boy who Aiden based on anything specific I don't know I just feel like that's sort of a yeah it's like a new name little dicky yeah it's like a name of a kid who was born after the year 2000 yeah yeah hey guys my name is Aiden and I'm 14 years old I have had bad back pain for the past few months and after trying lots of stuff the only option seems to be getting a massage I'm worried that it would be weird for a

kid my age to get a massage I don't want to seem like some prissy bitch but my back fucking kills what's a normal age to get a massage and keep in mind that this is not a rub and tug just a normal massage to fix my fucked up back I hate having my ability to seize the cheese being hindered by this old man problem so help thanks love Aiden when you edit this podcast together you should just use the one get a massage the entire time oh like use that audio clip over and over this is not a rub and tug just a normal get a massage that's the name of this episode now get a massage it is funny that a 14-year-old wants a

massage but it's also funny that he's like so freaked out about it that he wrote us in for implicit permission that's like one of those weird things you would think about when you're like 14 through 18 I guess or 14 through for forever really just like is this normal that it's happening to me but it doesn't matter and you can get a massage and if you're embarrassed I guess don't tell anyone I feel like you need to go with your parents if you're under 18 and you just go into a massage yeah sounds like his parents are on I feel like it's his parents idea he has this chronic back pain and it's it literally

debilitating to the point where you can't seize his cheese but he's holding out because he doesn't want a prissy bitch move get a massage have you ever gotten a massage no but that's because I'm not a fucking loser I'm not gonna fucking go there it's a dick prissy bitch move I mean I've gotten I've never gotten a perfect like no I've never gotten a professional massage yeah I feel like I haven't either but I feel like that'd be great I've just never like had like been in a nice hotel and be like I guess for the next hour I'm gonna spend a hundred dollars on a nice massage yeah but I bet if I got one it

would feel great the probably would but if I have like the time and I want to treat myself I'd almost always rather masturbate or drink yeah but imagine if you had enough time to masturbate drink and then get a massage I guess they do and I still don't yeah I don't know I probably yeah probably would be nice I mean if you think that it will actually help your back I would think it's you're definitely more of a loser for not getting the massage at this point than you are forgetting it yeah the coolest thing to do is not care right and just take care of yourself yeah in general the coolest thing to do is not it's your

back you are hurting yourself because you care about what people think and I would say I'd be pretty surprised if any of your friends were like you prissy bitch you got a massage do you think cool people care the least or they're the best at hiding how much they care because I feel like the craziest people are the ones that care the most right like very neurotic oh god should I do this should I go to this party oh this is so uncomfortable I'm talking out loud about how uncomfortable this is yeah I think cool people care but maybe they like actively try to not care they're just the best actors at hiding it or

they might I can act cool does that make me cool I feel like cool people could also even if they're not like I think you could actively convince yourself to stop caring so not even like I'm hiding the fact that I care but you should but rather cool people would be like I don't care I can't care I do not care and they actually stop caring so like at first you just have to just lie and then you become so good at lying that you don't care right it's kind of like how like if you tweet or post something on Instagram or Facebook like it's it's not cool to say that you check how it's doing a lot like you want to check how many

likes it has how many notes it has how many shares and retweets it has right but like do cool people actually not check or do they just tell people that they'd ever check I guess cool people cool people don't even post they're so cool they're not on Instagram I don't know well you check obsessively yeah I don't check obsessively so when you post a picture when was the when do you check how it's doing I guess like right after I posted I would refresh it to see if it like was off to a good start and then a couple minutes in I want to see if it hit the triple ditch at the five minute mark I'd like to be at

115 I really would I've posted I've put definitely posted it never looked no that's not true never looked never looked that's a such a lie now why maybe not never ever ever but like I would you post and then just you in a day you just have you come back to it and see how it's been doing yes definitely I feel like I've heard you say like oh this picture is doing really well yeah I mean sometimes I'll do that but I feel like it's that's well I vastly between caring a lot not caring at all I'm not cool all the time oh so but there are times like when when I would post something and then like go back to what I was doing and

forget about it right for sure but then you do check it's not like when you reload Instagram you're not like oh whatever however many likes it as I think I would yeah I but I wouldn't like reload Instagram just to see do you have notifications on yeah I have push notifications for for everything even people on yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah definitely every single app sends me push notifications yeah I can see that right now that's like a Dave Rosenberg thing you just look at his phone and you have like 90 apps Dave also he also has like a weird calendar to-do list as the background of his phone but it's an

Excel spreadsheet yeah but from November so it like looks kind of cool like he has something to do but it's it's really just hasn't been updated well that's sort of part of my New Year's resolution is to check things less right yeah in order to be cool though or in order to have more free time I think it's in order maybe a little no I don't know if it's free time because not like it like even if you check Instagram 20 times a day that's like 20 minutes I'm not like using that to do any good I just want to like care less about that kind of stuff that's I still I guess I would I still look at Instagram a lot I don't

necessarily not like I'm looking at my own photos and seeing how they're doing and stuff but I do like refresh my feet a lot I will say it's now day six of me checking Instagram only once a day which seems very insignificant but it's huge but it's big and I I'm starting to feel the impulse to check it less and less that's really nice like I've weaned myself off of caring that's like at first I would just open the app you like oh shit I'm not supposed to look and now I don't really think about it and then at the end of day I look and I see like 12 photos I'm like oh that was nothing it's nothing although I will tell you I'm

still checking Twitter yeah you're I mean you're big time on Twitter but my friend Jesse actually made the note that Twitter's borderline like quasi news as well it's not like I'm just following news outlets while I follow like basketball writers it's like I'm getting news I guess it's technically it's like information so it seems like a step above Instagram photos to me I guess so yeah I'm like checking that right I mean we all like waste time just in different ways and you've decided to stop wasting your time with Instagram and waste your time with basketball yeah which is I mean it's a step up you're

like knowledgeable in a different yeah but because the information you get from Instagram is not useful at all right no but I don't remember anybody's photo in the last like three days that you've like does that affect your life in any way um well I follow a lot of like dog Instagrams and like backpacking Instagram so sometimes I'll see a place on Instagram that I'll like research and say oh I'd like to go like you're getting many inspiration many very many inspiration and I definitely like I look up dog breeds all the time on Instagram dog breeds yeah like I'll see a dog and say that's a really cute dog and I'll

read what breed it is and then I'll go and Google other pictures of that breed of dog so that's an example of dog breeds let's take a break right now and we'll be back after we thank a few more sponsors this show is sponsored by better help thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist especially one in your area but better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient

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way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial everything looks good let's launch it just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase thank you Squarespace oh hey are we back are you talking to me it's the same thing we're back and I'm talking to you all right hey next question this one's a social media related so it's very apropos thematic yeah give me a name guys name

mmm that's a good question oh no it's a female name Amira the fuck's that's supposed to mean you're obsessed with social media oh bullshit I check Instagram once a night alright ready so my close friend has started being really annoying and uptight lately I don't know what her problem is recently I went pier jumping with her and we took some photos I made a photo that included both of us jumping off a pier as my cover photo on Facebook she didn't really like how she looked in the photo but she let it go the whole time I then changed my cover photo to something different but a few days later changed it back to

that photo of us jumping off the pier well she lost her shit she basically harassed me sending me many texts and Facebook messages telling me to delete the photo because apparently she didn't want a photo of her in a bikini on Facebook I for a fact know that this is not true she is the wannabe rebel who tries to look really cool by saying she likes drugs and smoking so I know something as simple as a photo and her bikini wouldn't scare her I look really good in this photo but I don't know whether to take it down or not it also has a lot of likes too but I'll feel like somewhat of a bitch if I don't

delete it I don't feel too bad because she has done this many times to me in the past she constantly uploads photos of me without even asking and I even got into some deep shit once with my parents because she uploaded photos of photos of us at a party that were apparently inappropriate and that same day my dad jokingly looked himself up on Facebook at his work and found those party photos because her account is on public do I become the bitch and leave it up or just delete it I never know what to do in situations like this with this particular friend because she always has she's always in different moods and I feel like

one moment she can forgive me and another she will attempt to publicly shame and hurt me thanks Amira I don't know why but I can't stop thinking about the dad jokingly looking up himself on Facebook while he's at work well this is a sort of a cute little thing I'll put Randy and I'll put my last name Jonas with three there's my fucking daughter who tagged me in this photo of you doing a keg stand Randy Randy you you're a defense attorney Randy you really have to get you have to get into it you're a surgeon Randy someone's on the operating table I'll be there in a fucking heartbeat this is tough she has a lot of likes these

people shouldn't be friends we get a lot of email being like my best friend is a horrible meanie he's or she's been doing this this this this this to me ruining my life ostensibly what should I do about this well this goes also like you guys have a hateful relationship because you're like my best friend is acting like an uptight bitch and then you go on to say like a bunch of mean things unsolicited about her like I know she doesn't care if she has a bikini Facebook picture on there because she's a wannabe rebel and she's always having these mood swings and she thinks she's so cool yeah like you have

a lot of hate in your heart for her too people talk about best friends like their brothers or sisters like they can't get rid of them right they were their best friends for sure and they've probably been best friends for the majority of their lives but that's what happens with friends is that you drift in and out of best friendships you grow apart yeah who I am at age nine is different than who I was at age 18 27 36 45 that's why I fell in love with you when you were 23 23 of course so one way to do this one way to go about this is to um delete the picture and then delete her from your life yeah I would

say delete both yeah get rid of why can't you crop it why can't you crop it or if you if you get a Photoshop expert to digitally remove her it is hard but people can do that why can't you just crop it though just because if it's if it's like let's say it's a huge wide shot and it's two people in it you can't really crop one person out of it if they're like both in the center you could just make it you don't have to make it your cover photo it could be your profile picture that's also bad just crop it it is funny to care about Facebook likes that's like a specific thing I want to take it down it has so

many likes you know likes the currency that are worthless you can't use anywhere it doesn't really mean anything nobody really knows how many likes other people's photos have but I just I like having that many likes on a cover photo what does it to me it's I think the weird thing about likes is not like the number but like the the people who like it because you like look at say something you post has a hundred likes and like I like it Dave likes it Marty likes it whatever but then a girl that you like likes it oh yeah my like Marty's like Dave's like mean nothing sure all the strangers likes

mean nothing it's not that her like is is a it's an it's it's her blowing you a kiss that's right and everybody else is just like oh this is cool this is cool this is cool the girl that you like she can't say this is cool she's saying I have a crush on you for this photo but if I take it down I've already gotten that like she's already kissed me right so I can get rid of the photo now I can delete all my Instagram photos but the information that was in there that I received when I got it is still existing right in fact let's go let's go one-for-one deleting each other's Instagram photos until there's none left

really I'm not ready to do that that's an interesting would you if I just like ran picked her at random an Instagram photo of yours and asked you to delete it is there one as I don't think there's one that I would care if I deleted like I guess I like having a chronicle of my last like year or two and photos that I thought were good yeah but I don't like I don't value any individual except obviously for the one the most recent one that I got that got nearly 7,000 likes by the way I don't know if you guys saw the video on Facebook if not thank you thank you thank you humbled honored and coy to have any of those

things just stand on you for me to be a god to you is stand on the shoulders of a giant but it's not a giant it's a giant made out of 7,000 small ants so each individual like her was a small ant to me oh yeah actually all of you out there you guys stand on the shoulders of a giant God and his name your ants on my shoulders I lift you up so you can climb on mountains I am the wind beneath your wings and I and honestly humbled by it and I appreciate it and not must stay for it but I don't think there's any one single Instagram photo that you can delete right this will saying like delete this photo I do think you kind of

have to delete the photo sure just delete it just so you can get it off her back like no cover photo is worth somebody like saying I hate this please please please take it down no she can like untag herself in it but I guess it's beyond that the damage has been done delete the photos start phasing this girl out of your life yeah you guys have a bad relationship break up best friends you know oh yeah all right should we get to the last question should we take a break is there anything that's been going on in your life in your world how are you we talked about the resolutions that was that was one how's your

resolution going it's going it's going good yeah are you getting shredded yet I didn't have a croissant this morning what did you have instead oatmeal do you think that that might make you just as fat a bowl of oats no a bowl of oatmeal definitely better than a croissant but would you say in terms of making you giving you carbs it's equal if not worse to have the bowl of mealed oats yeah I don't really subscribe to the whole carb thing oh the croissants it's croissants a shitload of butter there's no butter and oatmeal so it's the fat you're concerned about it's not the the car I don't actually know but I think then

having the oatmeal with the banana is better for me than having the croissant from Starbucks yeah I would say so it's definitely a step in the right direction so there we go what about just having the banana but that like I just I know I'll be really really hungry if I have that and I'll do something stupid I'll do something crazy I'll do something dumb oh shit it's happening it was already hard enough for me to go to Starbucks and not get a croissant yeah yeah I fear that if I have a banana I'll get the croissant I really have just a banana for breakfast we'll turn into a banana and a croissant and then a drum

stick those ice cream cone drumsticks and yeah now as soon as we're done recording this I'm gonna go to the gym and pump iron yeah so there we go so you're saying so far so good for you well I guess it's been two days and well yesterday you did have a croissant yesterday I had a croissant but I went to the gym and I had a healthy and I had a nice healthy dinner and a healthy lunch yeah so there we go that's great and then today no croissant and I haven't gone to the gym yet but I'm going to it's day two you can't fucking check it with me this early I was at the accusation this is good is this is

holding us accountable yeah because if you slip up then I you know I'm gonna tease you on this I haven't slipped up in your teasing me now so what's gonna happen if I do I might as well have a croissant all right here we go I'm eating it right now asshole you turn into Scooby-Doo when you eat I don't know oh Austin yes our show that's what we forgot to talk about last time yeah we're having two shows coming up very soon January 23rd Austin at the north door tickets are about 70% sold out shit you should buy them so get them get them now and then we're doing another show the next night January 24th is that a Sunday

I thought the 25th was Sunday I thought the 24th is Austin oh yeah 24th Saturday in Austin 25th Sunday in Houston yeah that's what it is as part of the come and take it comedy festival Houston's first comedy festival all right are you making history yes of course does that mean we're like heroes oh geez yeah it does yeah because if you're part of history you're like George Washington for example is a heroic hero yep Hitler Stalin they're all heroes because they rewrote by your logic they're in the textbook right we are now in the textbook of Houston comedy wow which is pretty neat we're humbled honored

and most of all coed by it so those are gonna be fun shows please come by and then stick around after and we'll have fun right yeah I would definitely say so because especially in Austin Saturday night dude yeah I'm gonna rage my fucking face off well what about Friday night the night I'm also gonna rage my face off that Sunday well Friday night I'm gonna rage my face off Saturday night I'm gonna rage my balls off Sunday night I'm gonna take it easy because it's yeah we can we can sort of relax a little bit and it's more of like a come we have an early flight yeah actually might not even go to the show

in Houston I'm feeling a little feverish and faint right yeah I got really hung over after the party Austin can you give me that croissant real quick do you think you're gonna have croissant when you're hung over in Austin oh yeah probably yeah I let myself off the hook I don't think it's gonna use being like don't be hard on yourself on like Sunday I'll have it a cheat day I really will and that's like at least two croissants because I got a whole making up to do I'm looking forward to my cheat days already I actually might make might make Tuesday a cheat day get a late day croissant I mean I'm gonna be going to

the gym so I think I've earned it I actually might not even go to the gym the croissant weighs me down which it will croissant is a buttery smile that's why it's shaped like that nice we have what it really is is a buttery frown because that's how it makes you feel about yourself when you're done with a croissant do you feel sad no I feel well I feel sad that it's gone yeah but I feel so happy I feel happy when I get it I feel so happy when I'm eating it and then when it's gone I'm a little sad because it's not there anymore but I'm happy knowing that I'll get one tomorrow that's how I used to feel and now I don't feel like that anymore

now I make oatmeal like a fucking 91 year old one last dude all right a male friend of ours a friend of ours well he will be a friend because we're gonna give him advice we don't actually know this person oh so who's like a guy friend of ours yeah Mike Mike writes I think I may be a sociopath this all has to do with girls and this may have been a problem that Jake has dealt with before but I am more like a mere so any advice is much appreciated I get bored of girls not like once in a while every girl I have ever dated I have gotten bored with so I friendzone them this process usually happens within a month but lately the time it takes for boredom to set in has become even smaller I was out a party the

other day and I met a nice girl and we made out by the end of the party and then I went home and by then I was bored of her less than five hours later I was bored another thing is that I've never gotten sad at a breakup usually I'm glad when they break up with me because I'm already bored of them by that time any advice on how to become a normal normal uh any advice on how to become a more normal human or at least not a sociopath is greatly appreciated thanks Mike I was bored of her yeah I went home and I was bored I was watching a pretty captivated TV show but even still I was kind of bored by yeah I stopped the TV show I stood up I put my hand to my forehead and I said oh I'm bored it's it's a revelation it's so crazy shit I actually picked up a piece of

wood at 2x4 and I said you know what this is it's a board I was floored by this board I was absolutely floored by the board then I went to open you know what I did I opened a door yeah I opened a door yeah I mean came to court I don't know where this door to court came in but I was floored and bored can you tell me lord why am I bored it's bored the right term that he's is he using the word bored wrong I guess not but I also like I never I don't think I ever get bored of like girls are so exciting because they're new you're getting bored you're doing something wrong and you're boring maybe yeah isn't there like the phrase where it's like the only people who are if you're bored you're boring if you're bored then you're boring oh yeah me it's killing me oh I'm not sick

but I'm not bored I think yeah you're boring because like I'm bored of you how does it feel I don't have that the problem that I have is that I'm excited all the time and that you're new and you're new and you're new and I haven't seen your butt I haven't seen your pussy what does it feel like what does it look like what does it taste like what does it taste like I do genuinely want to know so the fact that you just kiss a girl and go home and be bored you're fucked up you're a cold steak you're a cold dark I'm bored well actually no I don't maybe I felt like that too like the chase is over yeah the chase is over you're thrilled by the chase that's your problem but like but his chase ends at kissing yes sometimes it does I actually do understand that but here's

this is so that's why I think I have advice for him you just make every single thing the chase for like it's exciting that you leading up to kissing her that's great that's exciting and that's like a milestone but then you don't have to get bored then like what's your next goal I want to get her to open up to me I want to share something with her I want to touch her boobs don't make it all about your like sick perverted agenda no but but rather just like keep you keep the relationship alive through like you didn't it's not over when you kiss it's basically the thing that you need to recognize so don't consider that the end of the game right because then you're sure then you're bored you think that like you basically you beat the first level in your

board of the video game yeah you haven't gotten to a boss yet yeah you're not good at the game you're not a boss you're not the boss of me you have to keep on playing here's another thing to realize every person on earth is smarter or more knowledgeable than you about something so if you're ever bored just try to find out what that one thing is and then you're at the very least you're becoming a better person by hanging out with this person yeah that's I that's almost like a nice new year's resolution just try to get to know people more yeah I mean definitely I think we both do that maybe that's why you're starting to realize that but like I feel like I'll um discount just like sort of yeah just try to stop talking to people to be like oh this is I want to

leave oh want to write people off yeah I'm quick to write people off yeah well that's a question I've been asking people is like oh what are you surprisingly good at or knowledgeable at and then it's like I'm always at least like the answers are always at least interesting intriguing enough to keep the conversation going right that's true that's nice so that's I guess two bits of advice yes your but your shitty advice which was what was it again the good thing about the game what was the game I have refused to answer the question if it's phrase like that you're leading me walking into a trap no you said don't don't just be content with kissing you can del deeper into this relationship than that and mine is sort of a way to do that which is to try to gain or learn

something from every interaction you have right it sounds like you're not he's not sharing anything about himself and that's not letting him feel invested and that's allowing him to feel bored because he's just like finding shit out about somebody told they like him or something yeah but if you start sharing as well then you'll be a little more captivated it seems like kissing is always exciting though it's hard to like get so what's it called like when you're numb or mute or like yeah I mean that I think that happens when you just kiss a lot of people that you don't actually like which I've dealt with too so like kissing isn't even a little bit exciting isn't it always at first a little bit exciting yeah it's always at first a little bit exciting

but then sometimes you're like you'll kiss someone and you'll say oh I know I don't want to take it further and I know that like I was I like being liked so I charmed someone to the point where they wanted to put their lips on mine and it's like yay that's like a micro victory and I walk away but I don't think that's healthier good I'm saying like try to go beyond that or like you know don't follow those roads down if you know don't follow those roads if you know that's where you're gonna go if you know that you're gonna kiss somebody and then walk away and be bored try to find somebody who excites you and like each step of the process is gonna be exciting is it possible that he just hasn't found a really crazy cool amazing person in his life yet yeah

like there's someone that'll take him out of his sociopathic shell yes but I also think that he has to give all of those people a chance right one by one going back in time this is the plot of your movie every see yeah one by one I invented time machine and I've used it not to like help anybody but you just go back and get to one base further than every girl I kissed it it's called the one base further it's funny if I had a time machine I'd go back and try to convince our parents to name each other the same thing yeah that would be just to see what would happen in this alternate dimension where we're both named Nathan I really would be dead all right that's it that's our time thanks for listening thanks for writing in thanks for submitting your theme songs and your thumbnails

we need everything if you do have a theme song for us we open and close every episode with it the first one was by Nathan this last one is from Jorge hip hip we also need thumbnails submissions we're running low every time we post our podcast on facebook we use a a image 615 by 300 but we'll take what we can get we'll crop it accordingly unlike the girl in the third question and then also if you have any questions that you want us to answer if you're in a sticky situation or predicament of your own the email address for every single one of these things is if I were you show at gmail.com we'll see you guys on monday and we'll see you guys in austin whether or not you're coming to the show you will be there bye

with my tinder game that one goes to jaco samir there you kind of lame just kidding you're both a hashtag go beneath you don't already know this is if I were you the show