If I Were You - 126: Platonic Cuddling

Episode Date: January 12, 2015

In this episode we discuss strippers, snap chatters, and cuddle buddies.This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com, Vegas.com, and DraftKings.comSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Ooh yeahes The other day because love me I don't know what to do I'm talkingoxännic and my best friend thog too I got an issue and I know exactly what to do Jack and a-mael will help me through I'll email them out if I were you exactly what to do. Thank you, Jacob and me. Thank you, thank you. Oh, oh, oh, oh, thank you, thank you. Yeah.

You're welcome. We do deserve that. We deserve, thank you. We deserve a song. More. More than praise. Do you think they'll sing songs of us one day? They are, they are singing songs of us. It's kind of cool. We deserve it. Yeah. And I'll tell you why. Why? Because I think we make the world a better place. We do. You know, Sam and Frodo, when they're on the way to destroy the one. This is if I were you, the only. Ignoring you, steamrolling, never even do that every time I talk about Sam wise. What is it? He says, do you think I think Sam wise asked Frodo, do you think they'll sing songs of us one day? Or maybe Frodo asks Sam that or something. But either way, they're on a mission to save Middle Earth and we do

a podcast and people weren't singing songs about them yet, but people sing songs about us pretty good. Well, we're better than them because we're real. That's true. Like we're even the most terrible human is still making a more positive impact than a great fictional character. That's not true at all. Because the fictional character isn't real. The fictional character has inspired millions of people. Oh, I guess you can make that that really thin correlation. But he's not. But then that's really just the author. The author is doing the impact. Sure. The author is a better person than any any bad person. Yeah, the author is good. But still creates a person that you're dumb. That's not actually dumb.

It's I finally feel comfortable enough to call you out. You're dumb. You're dumb. That was Dimitri Masumbuko on the guitar opening. Very nice. Thank you, Dimitri. I feel like he really can play the guitar like a riot, like a motherfucking riot. True. Yeah, he sounds like frigging me on the guitar. So good. First question. Don't respond to that. I can I can sense your negativity boiling up over the edge. Your hate. Yeah, we need more theme songs. So please, if you are like Dimitri or you think you can create a theme song of your own, send it to if I were you show at gmail.com. The more the merrier, but we're running low. Yes, we're down to, I think, less than 1000. Wow. Yeah, we should check that the 10,000 unread emails on our email

account. You know what I fear is that when I look for theme songs, I search theme and a bunch come up. But what if some don't use the word theme? They don't. You should search the word song. Yeah, but what if what if they don't even have the word theme or song in it? I think like, Hey, I made this for you guys. And then it's just gone forever. Most part it's you could also just search by attachment. Yeah, certified attachment. That's what I'll do. But what if they didn't attach it? What if it's a blank? What if it's a blank email? And that was the song. Wow. So this is if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. People email us. Same email if I were you show at gmail.com and they are in need of our advice.

This is the show in which we offer that advice. Should we get to it? Let's do it. Oh, let's let's get to this a little early this time. We're going to be in Austin in just a couple weeks. Yeah, just FYI January 24. Tickets are getting close. Yeah, close to 300 sold and the capacity is 300. So if if you still haven't gotten tickets and if you're in the Austin area, I feel like that one's going to be cool. I think it's going to be a lot of fun. Cool city, cool vibe, cool venue. And we'll try to be cool too. Yeah. So it's at the North Door. So you can go to their website or you can go to our website if our are you show.com and the following day will be in Houston. That's right. As part of a comedy festival, come and get it. Comedy festival,

Houston's first comedy festival. All right, let's start answering some questions. These are some good questions today. I'm excited about these. All right, you haven't even heard them. No, these are blind or deaf for you because you haven't heard them yet. These are dumb questions because you never felt them. Is that what dumb means when you're deaf, diamond, dumb and deaf, blind and dumb? I thought it was like deaf and dumb was like you were mute or something. No, but that's mute. Yeah. I went, yeah, I think it's an offensive term. Yeah. I mean, you called me dumb earlier. So what did you mean by that? When you called me dumb, you were stupid. You were dumb. Your brain was being not good that day. All right, let's get a fake name.

These are real emails from real people. We're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. Do you have a fake name for this guy? We need a theme. Well, we always have football in the brain because we record on Sundays. Right. What about football players that went to my school? Aaron Rodgers. Nice. Hey, guys, Aaron Rodgers here. I found myself in a mental conundrum of sorts. This weekend I was at perusing a local strip club, not my typical scene, mind you. I spent a few dollars here and there, saw a nipple or two, and then this smoke show and I got to talking at the bar. Next thing I know, it's six in the morning and she is saying she is hungry and off work. I choked. No cheese was seized. But here's the predicament. I got her name and number,

both verified to be real. And we talked about grabbing sushi together. The question is, do I text and pursue? What's holding me back? What is holding me back is the fact that she is a stripper. I certainly don't want to change her or judge her choices, but it does bother me a little bit. There's an inferiority issue on my part, accepting the amount of D she has to encounter. But I also want my D to be encountered. The other issue is I am the other issue I have with confidence in the situation is that I'm still a virgin. I've got no ammo and I am up against a real gunslinger. If you were me, what would you do? Thanks, Aaron Rodgers. Wow. So Aaron Rodgers is a virgin who went to a strip club for the first time.

You saw a stripper. A nipple or two. That means two boobs, one lady. Then he started flirting with a girl. Very nice. She was into it. I like that. She actually wanted to get a sushi date. She was down to get sushi together. It is so perfect. But he's a little concerned. Right, because he already got the naked lap dance on date one. So date two is just going to be sort of a de-escalation. You're very thrown off your game. Exactly. It's hard for a virgin to date a stripper because it's like going one-on-one against a professional athlete. Yeah. I think what you have to do is consider how pimp this is. Oh. How fucking dope it is. Yeah. And just nut up and go for the gold. Yeah. Is that what you would do?

Uh, you can't just... It's not what I would do now, but if I was a young virgin. Yeah, for sure. Is there a possibility, albeit I think quite large, that this stripper is just trying to take advantage of this kid? Well, imagine like an older stripper. I don't know, because why would she give him her number? Because she wants sushi. Yeah. So she wants some... You think that she's just doing this because she wants free sushi? And maybe more. Like what? It's like, oh, hey, big boy, you want to take me out to dinner? Oh, that's great. Why don't we go here? You're my sugar daddy. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you know, I can do a little more if you want to. Oh, you think she's like an actual woman of the night

trying to seduce him to be obsessed? I'm saying it's definitely a possibility. I wouldn't know, but I would say it's in the realm of possibilities. I guess, well, I think you could just like wander down that road and see what's up, like go to sushi, talk a little bit, see if she starts trying to, you know, take advantage, and then you could bail. But until that happens, it's pretty cool to date a stripper. You would be down? For sure. I mean, I don't think I would get into like a serious relationship with somebody whose profession I disagreed with, but it's also kind of weird to be like, I disagree with your profession and here I am at the strip club supporting it. Yeah. How much can you possibly disagree if you're there?

I want to date this stripper. What she does is disgusting. Here, take another $20 and grind on me. What is that? You're gross. Isn't that what you do when you go to a strip club? Yeah. I mean, it's tough not to judge, but I mean, the big, I'm a huge scumbag too. Yeah. So you're saying they're in a tough situation where that's like, I don't know what they've turned to for money and you are just a coward bad person. But I'm not saying, I mean, it's still, strip clubs are fun. They're, it's naked girls. But yeah, at the same time, you don't have to want to date them. You don't need to want to date them. Yeah. I think it's kind of hard to not like kind of want to date them because there's, there's like some,

there's a sense of, what is that word? Like you're saving them? Oh, no, way more self-involved than that. More self-involved than you being a savior. Like a trophy to your friends to be like, look, all this girl who we saw naked and everybody like wanted to get lap dances from once my number and I want to, and I'm going to hang out with her. She likes me. The girl who's paid to like just be naked and get everyone to like her. That one likes me. Yeah. So it's like. But isn't it kind of part of the job to be flirtatious? But you're saying giving her the phone numbers above and beyond that? Yeah. I mean, every strip club I've ever been to, they're overly flirtatious and they are very good at making you feel like you are, they like you more than

everybody else. Right. That being said, I don't think I've ever, or I definitely have never gotten a stripper's number and like verify that it was her and had her say, let's get sushi. So you're saying that actually does mean something? I think so. I think I'm sure that like they must get hit on so aggressively and like people are begging them for their numbers saying, let me take you out to dinner. So for her to be like, I'll go out to dinner with, I want to go out to dinner with you is her being genuine. But then I'm also pretty dumb. Like I've never been in this situation. It seems very pun intended fishy to me that this girl who does get hit on all the time chose this guy's like, you know what, we should get sushi one time. What's the pun on

fishy? Oh, sushi. Yeah. I thought we saw, I was like fishnet stockings. I was trying to make a stripper. Her vagina smells like, yeah, like a like a sashimi, like an albacore sashimi hand roll. So you're saying go for it. Yeah. I'm saying I wouldn't, but that's me. I'm not judging you if you do, but proceed with caution. There is a chance that she's, you know, just looking for a dude. I think it's dope. I think you should do it. So those are the two, those are the two options. I do want you to do it and I do want you to keep us posted. This guy is going to get hit in the head with a lead pipe by the stripper's friend and his wallet and phone. The car is going to get stolen. And we're like, we think it's dope. Go for it. They're playing this at the trial.

Why aren't you looking for this guy's killers? We're just two dudes with a podcast. They pressed up. So how do they know that you'd get it with a lead pipe? The strippers in cahoots with us. We're a stripper. You're holding the pipe. This is like a weird game of clue. So we want you to do it. That's not true. Jake wants you to do it. And I'm just morbidly curious. So go for it and let us know. We have your email. So email us again. Follow up pup. Follow up pup. Absolutely. Aaron Rogers. For the epic win, actually. Nice. Oh, this is a good one. It's from a lady. But we're talking about male athletes. I don't know what you want to call this lady. Oh, what about CJ Anderson? That could be a girl's name. Yeah. CJ.

CJ Anderson. Perfect. CJ seems like an intrepid female reporter's name. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Oh, like she emails you and then she shows up and it's like a hot girl and you're like, whoa, that's CJ. She's like, yeah, I get that a lot. Oh, right. Like you're sort of like a recluse. And yeah, there's a knock on your door like I said, no reporters. Oh, you're CJ Anderson. CJ Anderson. CJ Anderson writes, Hey guys, I'm a 21 year old female who is a senior in college. I've been on winter break for the past few weeks. And between the holidays, I've been hanging out with a couple of my close friends. One of them is a guy that I have known since middle school and is a very dear friend to me. I recently went on a friend date where we

went to a youth bookstore, a Vietnamese restaurant, a coffee shop, then back to my house to watch a movie. Before I started the movie, I asked him how he felt about platonic cuddling. I love cuddling up next to someone under a blanket while watching movies. I do this with my girlfriends too, but never with him. Hence the question. He said that he didn't mind. So I grabbed a blanket and a mic's hard lemonade and sat down next to him and put my legs on his lap. The more I drank, the closer I got to him. And before I knew it, my head was on his chest and his arms were around me. I have apologized saying that I get a bit touchy when I'm tipsy. When the movie ended, neither of us moved or said anything for a while. But after some comfortable silence,

we started talking about what we plan to do after college, our dreams and how we want to change the world. As we talked, we held each other and played with each other's hands. It was not sexual at all. But it wasn't quite something that just friends would do. I was getting pretty late and I let him know that it was okay to leave a few different times, but he didn't go until 2am. I've never thought of this guy as anything more than a friend, but him opening up to me and being very sweet and tender with me has got me thinking. So here are my questions. Do you think that he might see me as more than a friend? Is there such a thing as platonic cuddling? Should I talk to him about what happened?

I don't want to lose this guy as a friend, but I honestly don't know what happened between us. I am aware that this might be a totally obvious answer, but I tend to overthink things, and I would benefit from your opinions. Thanks, CJ Anderson. It's tough because he's just not getting the hint that you guys are just friends. Yeah. I feel like she's laying on pretty thick. You're just keeping an arm at an arm's length. You don't want to get too, oh yeah, on an arm's length and then you have a little bit of a mic's heart and you're... You get touchy. Yeah, when you're tipsy. You're close. But then like, you know, when you're holding someone's hand, you keep the conversation light because it's just,

you know, too bad. So you'll talk about your hopes and dreams and how you want to change the world. Like how mean you do that. How we'll get drunk, cuddle next to each other, hold each other's hands, run my hand through your hair. And I don't want to leave you. Yes. Yes. But I know that it's just friends. And this guy's obviously too thick-headed to think that a date of a used bookstore, a Vietnamese restaurant, coffee, and then a movie where you cuddle and hold each other and followed by a deep conversation. Yeah, I'm afraid he might misconstrue that as something more than platonic cuddling. I wouldn't say you're leading him on or misleading him in any way. I think you're doing everything right. And he's just a, he's a real numbskull. I imagine him

leaning into kiss her after this 14 hour date where they had an intense conversation. She's like, whoa, I think you got the wrong idea here. What is wrong? You misread that situation. I would do this with my cousin. Here's the weird thing. Like girls would find girls would do this, but she has to realize guys wouldn't do it. No. So he, in his brain, he's like, oh, I don't do this with friends. I would only do this. That whole thing sounds more intimate than sex to me. Yeah, what, what you guys, what happened was that you guys had sex. You guys had sex and then a deep conversation. I asked him how he felt about platonic fucking. And the not wanting to leave is very, that rung true to me, just like a guy like waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting,

just hoping that the lady makes the first move. Because in the back of your mind, even if you're 1% unsure, this would have been that case. He's like, I'm not 100% positive. Maybe she does think this is all platonic. Cause if this guy wrote in and described this date, we'd be like, of course she's into you. Why would she cuddle with you? Why would she hold your hand? Why would she like, yeah, but I don't think most girls are like this girl either. Oh, most girls would be like, I mean, this girl sounds like a special cake. Like she, or she doesn't want to admit to herself that she does like this guy. Yeah. I mean, maybe that's it. And if it's, if she really doesn't like this guy, then she better stop what she's doing right now. Yeah. You are deaf telling him

with every single action and fiber in your body that you are into him. Yeah. I've never had, I've never had an experience where a girl was this flirtatious and then would shut me down. Right. Which sounds like this girl might have. If this guy made a move, she'd be like, whoa. But like, that's why I'm saying that it's unique to her and not like guys should watch out for this behavior in, in women. Right. It's like, don't let this be a warning. Right. This is just absurd. This is girl, this girl's an outlier. Yeah. You're a psycho. But what was I going to say? I might have lost it. So what do you think she should do?

Um, I think she should make a decision if she likes him, then you can go for it to do this. And yeah, eventually maybe he'll make a move and he'll like you too. And that'll be nice. But if you don't like him, then immediately stop because he's going to get the wrong idea. He's going to try to kiss you. Then you'll feel weird and then that'll mess with your friendship. Oh, is there such a thing as platonic cuddling? I don't think so. I think, like there's that, the idea that I don't necessarily subscribe to, but I sort of subscribe to is like guys can't be friends with girls. Like you would fuck any of your female friends. Right. But that doesn't mean I couldn't be friends with them.

Yeah. But at the same time, like if guys are always down to bone their female friends, you can't really have a platonic cuddle session. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think cuddling is platonic ever. Yeah. There's so much. It's always charged. It's like the most of your body touching the most of another person's body. I think it could be innocent, but I don't think it can be platonic. Yeah. I think you could cuddle with like without, you know, depraved intentions. Yeah. Like you can't, it doesn't always lead to like the guy definitely wanting to bone or needing

to bone. Right. But I guess. But it's not completely devoid of any chemistry ever. Right. Of course not. You can't have it. You wouldn't want to cuddle someone you weren't attracted to, right? You don't just want to like cuddle someone. But that's the thing. Girls do cuddle. But they're not like sexually attracted, but it feels nice to cuddle with female friends. Do they cuddle each other? I think so. I guess they do. Like, can't you imagine like a spiritual lady, like a girl who's sort of like free thinking like that? Like, oh, I just want to cuddle with friends after like a dinner at home.

I'll cuddle a little bit. And then like, oh, one thing leads to another. They're like, oh, I'm accidentally touching your boob. Oh, I'm sorry. Actually, can you? And then they're like, scissoring. But one of them was like, you got the wrong idea. This isn't me. So there is not such a thing as platonic cuddling. Are you, are you ready to go on record as saying that? Yes. No such thing as platonic cuddling. Between a straight male and a straight female friend. The guy, it'll always let the record show. I submit that there is no such thing as platonic cuddling on the guy's end. Yes. The girl can actually feel nothing. I don't really,

I don't know how women's brains work. I should have more female guests on the show. That's true. This is, we really should have had a woman help us to answer this. Yeah. Well, come to think of it, we've never had a female guest. What about Emily Axford, Alison Williams? Yeah, I can't think of one. Those are two. Exactly. I can't think of one. Wow. But there are two. You got me. Also Milana. Milana seems like she would be down to have platonic cuddling. She seems like that kind of girl that would be like, you know, like, oh, I can cuddle with friends and it doesn't mean anything. Yeah, she's in touch with herself. Yeah, she's emotionally intelligent. So for this girl, decide what you want and go for it.

And if you don't want this guy, then don't do this again. He's definitely interested and excited. That's why he didn't leave until 2am. Guys don't do this with friends. Guys don't cuddle with friends. Guys don't get drunk and watch movies with their friends. Yeah, guys don't drink Mike's hard lemonade. Yeah, that was a weird, she's actually sponsored. That's why she said, drop that. One more question. Oh no, a few more questions. Two more. At least. At least. Let's do one more than the break. Fine. Oh, this one is from a dude. Marshawn Lynch. He went to your school too? Yeah, he played with Aaron Rodgers. That's cool. Imagine that team. Hey guys, love this show. So I've been going through a weird phase. I'm a 20 fun year old.

That's funny. I'm a 24 year old dude living in Chicago with three of my best friends. When we all decided to move in together, we all agreed that we would spend as much time as possible being single, snagging random dimes at the bars and just generally being as disrespectful as possible. However, over the past few months all my friends have started seeing girls seriously and have started to abandon our plan. I feel like I'm the only one who still wants to hunt for the pink stink. So the question is, am I just being immature? Do I need to try to lock down a piece of snatch like these jackasses? Or do I just keep doing my thing? It's not easy going out being the only one who still wants to hit on women, but I feel like I'm too young to give it up. What do I do?

Love Marshawn Beast Mode, Lynch. Wow, wow, wow, wow. So you made a deal, a pact. We all get single. We all poon hand. This is going to be the best fucking year of our lives. Why isn't anyone hanging out with me? It's like, oh yeah. Oh, you fucked that girl. That's awesome. Oh, you're going to see her again? Cool. Yeah, she should come out. Whoa, this is like the fourth time you hooked up. I love that. Whoa. What do you mean? You're going over for a house to dinner. Meeting your parents. That's fucking tight. I guess. Did you fuck her? You just cuddled with her watching a movie? Okay, so now you're in one. Now you have the relationship. Shit, I still got two other, oh no. You're all fallen soldiers. And now what am I supposed to do? Do I have to just go on a

solo mission? Do I have to nut up and get a girl of my own? I don't think guys can. This is what I'm starting to realize. I don't think guys choose when they can and can't get into a relationship. You just always go out and try to meet people. And sometimes one sticks. It's hard to be like, oh, she's great, but I need to keep, just get off of me, great girl. I need to keep. I think there's always a girl that's sounding good enough to get you to change your ways. But if you keep going out and keep meeting people, there's only a so long you can go with meeting bad people. Eventually you'll meet someone cool enough that you'll want to see a second time, and then eventually you'll want to meet her a third time, and then a fourth, and then

one thing leads to another. That's why you really got to try to only hit on pieces of shit. Yeah, that way you never, ever want to see them in the morning. If you only fuck people you hate, you'll never get into a relationship. Yeah, and if someone is like really good, like you meet a girl and you're like, wow, this girl's great, don't even go down that path. Don't talk to her at all. Yeah, if she's into it, no. Cut it off, nip it in the bud. No, sorry, I think you might make me happy. This conversation was too fun. You are too exciting. I'm too attracted to you. I need to stop this. Do you have a friend that's mean? I'd be down to, you know, do you have any

friends that are less attractive than you? Shallow, stupid? Yeah, someone that I wouldn't be into as much. That's what I'm going for. So even if you make a pact, it doesn't really mean anything. It's like, right, that's the other fun thing that guys do, like let's all be single, and then there's just one dude that's hell bent on being single and everyone else is just happy and content. He's like, come on, we're going to get pussy. No, I kind of wanted to stay in with Cheryl. Fuck this. What? You're the worst roommates. They're all bowling with their couples and it's him as the seventh wheel. As soon as you start to care about somebody, like in a relationship way, you're like, do she roommate who wants to go out and find girls to

fuck is like his problems are so insignificant. But to him, they're huge. It's like, I need my fucking dudes out hooking up with me and they're like, we're fine. We don't feel like doing that. Yeah, it's cold actually in Chicago. It's cold. So I'd rather just like stay in. And so no one cares that much about your penis tonight. I already have a girl. I've already found a girl that I like. So what should this guy do? Should he just suck it up and find a girlfriend? No, I don't think so. I think you can, I think you can like keep on raging, go on, just maybe instead of like going to the bar with your homies, you're gonna have to do some like Tinder swiping and going on random solo missions. Yeah, random dates and stuff.

Also couples are good as wing men, like wing couples. Oh, that's true. You should start asking. Well, as long as they don't know, I mean, I don't know if you're a piece of shit, but it sounds like you are thirsty and you don't want to get girls. I feel like some like a friend's girlfriend wouldn't necessarily be eager to set me up with their friend. If they just knew I was like, if they knew I wasn't looking for anything serious, but maybe you could always just say like, do you have any friends that would want to try to go on a date with me? I feel like new couples will often be excited by trying to set their friends up with their friends. Yeah, because they want couples want other couples. Yeah, to go on dates. And then also like your

friend doesn't want to see you be single. He wants you to be in a relationship too, because then he doesn't feel like he's missing out. Right. So he should, your friends should be invested in you getting late more because then eventually you'll meet a girlfriend. If anything, this should be a positive. It should expand your crew. And now you're going to go out with three dudes, three girls. They're friends. It's way easier. Yeah, it's way easier to meet people with like a big fun group than like four guys just on the prowl. Yeah, girls never a good thing. That's never a good thing. People can see through that a lot of the time. Unfortunately, four guys is not a good it's not a good ratio. Yeah, when it's just like four dudes, everybody's trying to

get late. Like, no one's ever all work for for four. No one's ever even when I whenever I've done that like no one's even talking to each other. They're just like drinking eyes darting around the bar like her, her, her, those girls, you taught you, you taught you, you taught you like nobody's having fun. Yeah, what's the goal there to find four equally attractive ladies who are also on the prowl? That's not going to happen. Right. No, no one girl wants to go over to talk to the four four hunched over guys at the bar. Look creepy. What if they're all hot though? They might be all the dudes are hot. They might be beefy corn eating Midwestern Chicagoans. But I feel like the question of like, should I try to lock something down? I feel like you can't either go for a girlfriend or

not a girlfriend. You just have to keep doing what you're doing and then it'll eventually either happen or not. Yeah, it's definitely also bad to be like, all right, all my friends have girlfriends. So I guess the next girl I have sex with will be my new girlfriend. Yeah, it's a Cupid's arrow. Yeah, well, that I'm the only single one you're doing. Have fun, meet people, and then you'll find someone you like. Yeah, or not. Or not. And that's fine too. Yeah, maybe you'll die alone. Let's hope. Yay. We all die alone. Yeah, because one of the odds that a couple dies at the same exact time, either you're bearing your loved one or you're dying alone. Let's take a break. All right. Thank you. One more sponsor. Or maybe you'll both die in a tragic accident.

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over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. If I were you, you do that today, you can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com. If I were you, check him out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting

and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. And maybe you want to

give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial, everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. I am back. It's funny. We talked about dying at the same time. One time we were I was flying with my entire family and my mom basically casually said like, oh, I'm not afraid of flying when I'm with the entire family like this because like if we all die, then we

all die. It's like nothing. It won't be that sad because we're all dying together, which I thought was very callous and romantic at the same time. It's beautiful and also like your mom wouldn't be sad that you guys died before. No, no. At the same time. Yeah. Yeah. I was just like, oh, you guys won't be sad. I won't be sad. We'll all just be gone at the same time. I'd rather you died, mom. That's the ideal. You know, it's weird. I had a dream over Chris's break that you died in a plane accident. Oh, really? Yeah, it was really sad too. And your mom was cracking up. Your mom, the one part of this dream that I remember really well for whatever reason was that your mom wrote on your Twitter about it. My mom tweeted from my account? Yeah. Wow. I mean, I'd found out

before, but then like your mom like was looking online to see what was being said about your death. Yes. And you found from my, your mom was at Jake and Amir tweeted, hey, this is Amir's mom. It wasn't like that. It was like, I don't remember exactly what it was, but it was like a poet, a line of poetry or something. That's nice. Yeah. That'd be nice. It would be nice to see your funeral. That's a sad thing that nobody would ever go through. It's kind of the sad thing about funerals. I know. We all get together to honor someone after they're gone. Why don't we, why don't we switch that up? Let's start giving people's funerals on their 50th birthday. Well, yeah, I guess so. But I mean, it's also about like the family and the friends and grieving and

I don't really care much for that party for you. No, I really want it to be a celebration in my more than honor, really. More than glory. I want you to bask in all his glory. I want you to bask. I want to be a god when I die. Why be a king? A martyr, a king and a god. In that order. So y'all can bask and y'all can pray and y'all can kneel before me. Wow. At least that's my ideal funeral. We talked about our shows already, so I don't know what else do you want to talk about during this breaker? I don't know. Trying any new like masturbation things, anything on that front. You jerking off in a different way? Yeah, yeah. I've actually been, so I get like a huge thing of petroleum jelly, cover my penis with everything and then I sneak into your room and I hump your

feet while you're asleep. You hump my feet. I fold them into the shape of sort of like a vagina and I fuck the creases in between your two feet. You turn the two arches. Mom, turn the podcast up. You need to hear this. You turn the arches of my feet into labia and you fuck the crevice. And you come wear onto my calves. Onto the sheets. Oh. It's still pretty foul. That is a very good call to shape of your arches of your feet. Do look like a vagina. Look at that. I wonder if foot fetishes like that. Oh, definitely. There is something about that, right? Yeah. The narrow arches. I think there's a foot porn where that definitely happens. Yeah. I'd be surprised if

it was if it didn't. I feel like you asked because you have a new masturbation technique. No, I ask because you were touching your dick. Oh, sorry. Well, I'm always doing that. I actually, as long as we're talking candidly about masturbation, I don't know if I ever have, nor do I like using lubrication. You go dry? I think I go dry. Never trust a guy that goes dry. Is that a thing dry versus lube? Yeah. I mean, I can't go dry. My hands are too callousy. My dick is sandpaper. It doesn't hurt? No, it doesn't hurt. Interesting. Do you ever go dry? I don't think so. Wow. So you're always slicked up? Yeah. I mean, I need to recreate a vagina as much as possible. Oh, that's the thing. So do I, but I've never turned a girl on to the point where

the vagina is dry. Oh, every vagina you've ever had sex with was dry. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I've never made a girl squirt or wet or moist. Yeah. Yeah. It's not even humid down there. It's never been damp. Are you sure you've ever had sex? I have. Yeah. Yeah. It's super dry down there. Like, she'll like fake it, like get into the motions of it. But as anatomically, dry, dry. Her body don't lie. Dry, dry, her body don't lie. Oh, God. Let's take two steps back before we go into something dangerous. Sure. Yeah. Let's answer one last question. Hey, you know I was kidding about that dry shit. I make them wet. I really do. It's a, it's a gusher. Like the snack. It's like a gusher snack. Is this a guy or a girl? It's a guy. Cool.

Shit, there was one more. Oh yeah. Justin Forset. Nice. Right. Well done. My sticky situation is that I used to have this fuck buddy. We only did it on three different occasions, but it was a glorious. Anyway, we used to do it. We used to do all the Snapchat bullshit and sexting. And usually when I'd say I was the, and usually when I'd say I was the best she'd ever had, she would agree profoundly. And we both say that we had to fuck again soon. But the last time I said we really need to fuck again, she said maybe, which was, which made me think something was up. And it was, she had a boyfriend. So I stopped talking for, I stopped talking to her for about a month or so. Then one day I Snapchat at her, just something normal. And we got to talking again. And I told

her about this dream I had of her I had. And she seemed really interested and flirty about it. Fast forward a couple days, she sends me a morning Snapchat of her in her underwear with the caption X. She still has a boyfriend. So why would she send me this? Do you think that I still have a chance at tapping that? And would you blame me if I did? I've been cheated on before. So I know it sucks, but I place 100% of the blame on the person who cheated and not the person they cheated on with. Thanks guys. Love Justin Forsett. Sounds like you're a little to blame. So let's not sit like, should I do it? Should I know it's not good to cheat on people, but it's 100% her fault. I'm not doing anything. It's like you're already defending yourself.

It sounds like he's already made up his mind that he's going to do it. Should I do it? It wouldn't be bad at all. It's on her, not me. I don't care. She's the jerk. You want to make her a jerk. You want to transfer. So you're a jerk because you know that causing her to cheat will make her a bad person. And you're like, I'll help you be a bad person. Yeah, you're going to help her be a jerk. It's aiding and abetting. It's aiding and abetting a jerk. Ipso facto, you're the jerk. You are a jerk. So why would she send something coy and flirtatious? She probably wants to keep him on the hook a little bit. She doesn't want to lose him forever. But she doesn't necessarily want to cheat on her boyfriend either. Not necessarily.

Though I think that snap is a pretty fucked up either way, but a snap is not sex. So this is like the most you can get away with it. You can still be angry, but it's not necessarily cheating. Right. She also just wrote X. So that could have gone to a lot of people. Very good. You're a good snaps matician. So you can send one snap to multiple people and they don't know. Yeah. That didn't just go to your boss. Sorry. But he was an F-buddy with her. Yeah. So you're saying don't do it. I'm saying it's probably not worth wrecking their relationship. You might as well just not be involved. I know I'm not saying that he's to blame if she cheats on him, but like if a relationship is just going to fall apart because of something you do,

why don't you just not be involved? Even if it's like guilty or not guilty, I'd rather not be included in the demise of a relationship. Well, you're acting like that's the con and there's no pro. Okay. That's the negative effect. But on the other side, you're having the best sex you've ever had. Is it worth it? I'm having great sex and then a different relationship gets ruined. It's definitely selfish. It's selfish, but is it not illegal, but is it grounds for not doing it at all? Is it a non-starter? That's an argument for not doing it. Yes. Of course it's an argument for not doing it. Yes. But then what happens when they break up? That just means more sex for you. Isn't it a self-fulfilling sex prophecy?

You have sex with a girl. Uh-oh. She's a cheater. I think... Then you can have guilt-free sex with her. If anything, it's a win-win. I really disagree with what you just said. But haven't you been there before? Yes. And that's why I'm telling you from personal experience that it's very bad and dumb and not good and selfish and evil. So just don't be involved. Okay. So that's bad. That's the negative. So let's list the negatives. It's bad and selfish. You can have sex with a single person. The best sex of your life. But what if you can have an orgasm? What if you not? You'll be able to not with a single. What if you not? You really will. Why?

She'll be single and you'll still not if you can believe it. If you can believe this. But what if it's hard to find a girl that will let you do that if sometimes if you're a guy? What do you mean? A guy can't have sex with anybody he wants. It's a special thing. I'm not telling you to have sex with anybody. I'm telling you to have sex with a single person. Right. That's hard. You can find it. No, it's not. Yeah. It's hard. Not everybody can have sex with anybody they want. I think it's a lot harder to have sex with a girl in a relationship than it is to have sex with a girl. No, because this girl already wanted to have sex with him. This girl already did have sex with him. She doesn't want to have sex with him. She sent him

with one Snapchat in her underwear. That doesn't mean anything. The more you have sex with a girl, the easier it is to have sex with her again. It's like a it's a lot of diminishing marginal effort. So let's say. Don't throw those big words around. I think like you're going to beat me with this argument. To bring a girl from zero to one, from never having sex with you till the first time, that's the hardest step. Okay. From one to two is the second hardest step. From two to three is the third hardest, and then it gets easier and easier and easier and easier. Sure. But it never gets harder. Yes. Other factors are to be considered, i.e. she enters a relationship in an exclusive committed relationship with somebody else. Then you're starting from zero to one

with her all over again. No, you don't go back to zero. No, you do not go back to zero. You know, that's not true. Once you've already been there, there's a certain level of comfort and it just it's just an easier place to go back to. If I wanted to sleep with someone tonight and I let's say I like decided I had to, I would not go out to a bar and try to convince a girl that I've never met before. Would you contact a girl that you knew to be in a relationship? No. So but I'm saying that's easier than a stranger. That's a good thing. You're suggesting that he does. No, no, no, no. I'm just saying it's a possibility that it's for him. It's easier. No, I'm not supposing that it's easier. You're also adding your own caveats like you need to have sex tonight.

He doesn't need to have sex tonight. In his brain, he does. No, he doesn't. He wants to get off. To him, it's like this is this is not only as good as it gets, but it might be the only thing he'll get. That's not true. You're giving him the ammo that he needs. Yeah. You're saying you might not be able to have sex with anyone except for this one girl who is in a relationship. That's right. That's dangerous advice. You're a danger. That's irresponsible. I'm arresting you. You're telling this guy to not just try to find a single person. And if you can't, let's say if he strikes out three times, he can try to break and ruin this relationship. I don't think that's a good idea, but I do.

Well, this brings us back to the idea. If he can bone this girl, maybe it's not worth the being in a relationship with her anyway. Maybe he's doing this other guy a favor. That's true. But also, nobody said that he can bone this girl. He's going off of her saying maybe to let's have sex again and then a snap chat where he told her about a dream and then she sent him a picture of her underwear. Yeah. That's flirtatious. Yeah, that's flirtatious, but it's not sex flirtatious. All right. Either way, I guess if I were you, I wouldn't do it, but it's not the worst thing in the world. And if I were you, I'd fucking go for it. So we're both saying if I were doing the opposite.

So take that. All right. That's it. That's our time. Thanks for writing in. If you have your own questions or your own theme songs, send it to ifirishow at gmail.com. We also need thumbnails if you have a work of art, then you are a work of art to us. Send that also the thumbnails to ifirishow at gmail.com. The opening theme song was from a guy named Dimitri. And this last one is from someone named Rory Pickney. Rory Pinkney. So thanks, Rory. Thanks to you guys for listening. I think we're back on Thursday this week yet again. Another bonus Thursday episode. All right. Cool. See you soon. Bye. Dennis Miller. We're also teaming up with the geniuses who created thechive.com. If it's funny,

it's hot, and it's trending, they're on it. Finally, straight from the garden state, Vinnie from the Jersey Shore will be dishing pop culture memes with all his famous friends. So check podcast one every day all month long for start dates and episode info. That's podcastone.com.