If I Were You - 126: Platonic Cuddling
Episode Date: January 12, 2015In this episode we discuss strippers, snap chatters, and cuddle buddies.This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com, Vegas.com, and DraftKings.comSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information....
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Ooh yeahes
The other day because love me I don't know what to do
I'm talkingoxännic and my best friend thog too
I got an issue and I know exactly what to do
Jack and a-mael will help me through
I'll email them out if I were you
exactly what to do. Thank you, Jacob and me. Thank you, thank you. Oh, oh, oh, oh, thank
you, thank you. Yeah.
You're welcome. We do deserve that. We deserve, thank you. We deserve a song. More. More than
praise. Do you think they'll sing songs of us one day? They are, they are singing songs
of us. It's kind of cool. We deserve it. Yeah. And I'll tell you why. Why? Because I think
we make the world a better place. We do. You know, Sam and Frodo, when they're on the way
to destroy the one. This is if I were you, the only. Ignoring you, steamrolling, never
even do that every time I talk about Sam wise. What is it? He says, do you think I think Sam
wise asked Frodo, do you think they'll sing songs of us one day? Or maybe Frodo asks Sam
that or something. But either way, they're on a mission to save Middle Earth and we do
a podcast and people weren't singing songs about them yet, but people sing songs about
us pretty good. Well, we're better than them because we're real. That's true. Like we're
even the most terrible human is still making a more positive impact than a great fictional
character. That's not true at all. Because the fictional character isn't real. The fictional
character has inspired millions of people. Oh, I guess you can make that that really thin
correlation. But he's not. But then that's really just the author. The author is doing
the impact. Sure. The author is a better person than any any bad person. Yeah, the author
is good. But still creates a person that you're dumb. That's not actually dumb.
It's I finally feel comfortable enough to call you out. You're dumb. You're dumb. That was
Dimitri Masumbuko on the guitar opening. Very nice. Thank you, Dimitri. I feel like he
really can play the guitar like a riot, like a motherfucking riot. True. Yeah, he sounds
like frigging me on the guitar. So good. First question. Don't respond to that. I can I can
sense your negativity boiling up over the edge. Your hate. Yeah, we need more theme songs. So
please, if you are like Dimitri or you think you can create a theme song of your own, send it to
if I were you show at gmail.com. The more the merrier, but we're running low. Yes, we're down to,
I think, less than 1000. Wow. Yeah, we should check that the 10,000 unread emails on our email
account. You know what I fear is that when I look for theme songs, I search theme and a bunch
come up. But what if some don't use the word theme? They don't. You should search the word song. Yeah,
but what if what if they don't even have the word theme or song in it? I think like, Hey, I made
this for you guys. And then it's just gone forever. Most part it's you could also just search by
attachment. Yeah, certified attachment. That's what I'll do. But what if they didn't attach it?
What if it's a blank? What if it's a blank email? And that was the song. Wow.
So this is if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake.
People email us. Same email if I were you show at gmail.com and they are in need of our advice.
This is the show in which we offer that advice. Should we get to it? Let's do it.
Oh, let's let's get to this a little early this time. We're going to be in Austin
in just a couple weeks. Yeah, just FYI January 24. Tickets are getting close. Yeah, close to 300
sold and the capacity is 300. So if if you still haven't gotten tickets and if you're in the Austin
area, I feel like that one's going to be cool. I think it's going to be a lot of fun. Cool city,
cool vibe, cool venue. And we'll try to be cool too. Yeah. So it's at the North Door. So you can
go to their website or you can go to our website if our are you show.com and the following day
will be in Houston. That's right. As part of a comedy festival, come and get it. Comedy festival,
Houston's first comedy festival. All right, let's start answering some questions. These are some
good questions today. I'm excited about these. All right, you haven't even heard them. No,
these are blind or deaf for you because you haven't heard them yet.
These are dumb questions because you never felt them. Is that what dumb means when you're deaf,
diamond, dumb and deaf, blind and dumb? I thought it was like deaf and dumb was like you were mute
or something. No, but that's mute. Yeah. I went, yeah, I think it's an offensive term. Yeah. I
mean, you called me dumb earlier. So what did you mean by that? When you called me dumb, you were
stupid. You were dumb. Your brain was being not good that day. All right, let's get a fake name.
These are real emails from real people. We're going to give them fake names to preserve their
anonymity. Do you have a fake name for this guy? We need a theme. Well, we always have football
in the brain because we record on Sundays. Right. What about football players that went to my school?
Aaron Rodgers. Nice. Hey, guys, Aaron Rodgers here. I found myself in a mental conundrum of
sorts. This weekend I was at perusing a local strip club, not my typical scene, mind you. I
spent a few dollars here and there, saw a nipple or two, and then this smoke show and I got to
talking at the bar. Next thing I know, it's six in the morning and she is saying she is hungry and
off work. I choked. No cheese was seized. But here's the predicament. I got her name and number,
both verified to be real. And we talked about grabbing sushi together. The question is, do I
text and pursue? What's holding me back? What is holding me back is the fact that she is a stripper.
I certainly don't want to change her or judge her choices, but it does bother me a little bit.
There's an inferiority issue on my part, accepting the amount of D she has to encounter.
But I also want my D to be encountered. The other issue is I am the other issue I have
with confidence in the situation is that I'm still a virgin. I've got no ammo and I am up
against a real gunslinger. If you were me, what would you do? Thanks, Aaron Rodgers.
Wow. So Aaron Rodgers is a virgin who went to a strip club for the first time.
You saw a stripper. A nipple or two. That means two boobs, one lady. Then he started flirting
with a girl. Very nice. She was into it. I like that. She actually wanted to get a sushi date.
She was down to get sushi together. It is so perfect. But he's a little concerned. Right,
because he already got the naked lap dance on date one. So date two is just going to be
sort of a de-escalation. You're very thrown off your game. Exactly. It's hard for a virgin
to date a stripper because it's like going one-on-one against a professional athlete.
Yeah. I think what you have to do is consider how pimp this is. Oh. How fucking dope it is.
Yeah. And just nut up and go for the gold. Yeah. Is that what you would do?
Uh, you can't just... It's not what I would do now, but if I was a young virgin.
Yeah, for sure. Is there a possibility, albeit I think quite large, that this stripper is just
trying to take advantage of this kid? Well, imagine like an older stripper. I don't know,
because why would she give him her number? Because she wants sushi. Yeah. So she wants some...
You think that she's just doing this because she wants free sushi?
And maybe more. Like what? It's like, oh, hey, big boy, you want to take me out to dinner?
Oh, that's great. Why don't we go here? You're my sugar daddy. Yeah, yeah. Oh,
you know, I can do a little more if you want to. Oh, you think she's like an actual woman of the night
trying to seduce him to be obsessed? I'm saying it's definitely a possibility. I wouldn't know,
but I would say it's in the realm of possibilities. I guess, well, I think you could just like
wander down that road and see what's up, like go to sushi, talk a little bit, see if she starts
trying to, you know, take advantage, and then you could bail. But until that happens, it's
pretty cool to date a stripper. You would be down? For sure. I mean, I don't think I would
get into like a serious relationship with somebody whose profession I disagreed with,
but it's also kind of weird to be like, I disagree with your profession and here I am
at the strip club supporting it. Yeah. How much can you possibly disagree if you're there?
I want to date this stripper. What she does is disgusting. Here, take another $20 and grind on
me. What is that? You're gross. Isn't that what you do when you go to a strip club?
Yeah. I mean, it's tough not to judge, but I mean, the big, I'm a huge scumbag too. Yeah.
So you're saying they're in a tough situation where that's like, I don't know what they've
turned to for money and you are just a coward bad person. But I'm not saying, I mean, it's still,
strip clubs are fun. They're, it's naked girls. But yeah, at the same time, you don't have to
want to date them. You don't need to want to date them. Yeah. I think it's kind of hard to not like
kind of want to date them because there's, there's like some,
there's a sense of, what is that word? Like you're saving them? Oh, no, way more
self-involved than that. More self-involved than you being a savior. Like a trophy to your friends
to be like, look, all this girl who we saw naked and everybody like wanted to get lap dances from
once my number and I want to, and I'm going to hang out with her. She likes me. The girl who's
paid to like just be naked and get everyone to like her. That one likes me. Yeah. So it's like.
But isn't it kind of part of the job to be flirtatious? But you're saying giving her the phone
numbers above and beyond that? Yeah. I mean, every strip club I've ever been to, they're overly
flirtatious and they are very good at making you feel like you are, they like you more than
everybody else. Right. That being said, I don't think I've ever, or I definitely have never
gotten a stripper's number and like verify that it was her and had her say, let's get sushi.
So you're saying that actually does mean something? I think so. I think I'm sure that like
they must get hit on so aggressively and like people are begging them for their numbers saying,
let me take you out to dinner. So for her to be like, I'll go out to dinner with, I want to go
out to dinner with you is her being genuine. But then I'm also pretty dumb. Like I've never been in
this situation. It seems very pun intended fishy to me that this girl who does get hit on all the
time chose this guy's like, you know what, we should get sushi one time. What's the pun on
fishy? Oh, sushi. Yeah. I thought we saw, I was like fishnet stockings. I was trying to make a
stripper. Her vagina smells like, yeah, like a like a sashimi, like an albacore sashimi hand
roll. So you're saying go for it. Yeah. I'm saying I wouldn't, but that's me. I'm not judging you
if you do, but proceed with caution. There is a chance that she's, you know, just looking for a
dude. I think it's dope. I think you should do it. So those are the two, those are the two options.
I do want you to do it and I do want you to keep us posted. This guy is going to get hit in the
head with a lead pipe by the stripper's friend and his wallet and phone. The car is going to get
stolen. And we're like, we think it's dope. Go for it. They're playing this at the trial.
Why aren't you looking for this guy's killers? We're just two dudes with a podcast.
They pressed up. So how do they know that you'd get it with a lead pipe? The strippers
in cahoots with us. We're a stripper. You're holding the pipe. This is like a weird game of
clue. So we want you to do it. That's not true. Jake wants you to do it. And I'm just morbidly
curious. So go for it and let us know. We have your email. So email us again. Follow up pup.
Follow up pup. Absolutely. Aaron Rogers. For the epic win, actually. Nice. Oh,
this is a good one. It's from a lady. But we're talking about male athletes. I don't know what
you want to call this lady. Oh, what about CJ Anderson? That could be a girl's name. Yeah. CJ.
CJ Anderson. Perfect. CJ seems like an intrepid female reporter's name. Yeah. Yeah, definitely.
Oh, like she emails you and then she shows up and it's like a hot girl and you're like,
whoa, that's CJ. She's like, yeah, I get that a lot. Oh, right. Like you're sort of like
a recluse. And yeah, there's a knock on your door like I said, no reporters. Oh,
you're CJ Anderson. CJ Anderson. CJ Anderson writes, Hey guys, I'm a 21 year old female who is a
senior in college. I've been on winter break for the past few weeks. And between the holidays,
I've been hanging out with a couple of my close friends. One of them is a guy that I have known
since middle school and is a very dear friend to me. I recently went on a friend date where we
went to a youth bookstore, a Vietnamese restaurant, a coffee shop, then back to my house to watch a
movie. Before I started the movie, I asked him how he felt about platonic cuddling. I love cuddling up
next to someone under a blanket while watching movies. I do this with my girlfriends too,
but never with him. Hence the question. He said that he didn't mind. So I grabbed a blanket and
a mic's hard lemonade and sat down next to him and put my legs on his lap. The more I drank,
the closer I got to him. And before I knew it, my head was on his chest and his arms were around
me. I have apologized saying that I get a bit touchy when I'm tipsy. When the movie ended,
neither of us moved or said anything for a while. But after some comfortable silence,
we started talking about what we plan to do after college, our dreams and how we want to
change the world. As we talked, we held each other and played with each other's hands.
It was not sexual at all. But it wasn't quite something that just friends would do. I was
getting pretty late and I let him know that it was okay to leave a few different times,
but he didn't go until 2am. I've never thought of this guy as anything more than a friend,
but him opening up to me and being very sweet and tender with me has got me thinking.
So here are my questions. Do you think that he might see me as more than a friend?
Is there such a thing as platonic cuddling? Should I talk to him about what happened?
I don't want to lose this guy as a friend, but I honestly don't know what happened between us.
I am aware that this might be a totally obvious answer, but I tend to overthink things,
and I would benefit from your opinions. Thanks, CJ Anderson.
It's tough because he's just not getting the hint that you guys are just friends.
Yeah. I feel like she's laying on pretty thick. You're just keeping an arm at an arm's length.
You don't want to get too, oh yeah, on an arm's length and then you have a little bit of a
mic's heart and you're... You get touchy. Yeah, when you're tipsy. You're close. But then like,
you know, when you're holding someone's hand, you keep the conversation light because it's just,
you know, too bad. So you'll talk about your hopes and dreams and how you want to change the world.
Like how mean you do that. How we'll get drunk, cuddle next to each other, hold each other's
hands, run my hand through your hair. And I don't want to leave you. Yes. Yes. But I know that
it's just friends. And this guy's obviously too thick-headed to think that a date of a used
bookstore, a Vietnamese restaurant, coffee, and then a movie where you cuddle and hold each other
and followed by a deep conversation. Yeah, I'm afraid he might misconstrue that as something more
than platonic cuddling. I wouldn't say you're leading him on or misleading him in any way.
I think you're doing everything right. And he's just a, he's a real numbskull. I imagine him
leaning into kiss her after this 14 hour date where they had an intense conversation. She's
like, whoa, I think you got the wrong idea here. What is wrong? You misread that situation. I would
do this with my cousin. Here's the weird thing. Like girls would find girls would do this, but
she has to realize guys wouldn't do it. No. So he, in his brain, he's like, oh, I don't do this
with friends. I would only do this. That whole thing sounds more intimate than sex to me. Yeah,
what, what you guys, what happened was that you guys had sex. You guys had sex and then a deep
conversation. I asked him how he felt about platonic fucking. And the not wanting to leave is very,
that rung true to me, just like a guy like waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting,
just hoping that the lady makes the first move. Because in the back of your mind,
even if you're 1% unsure, this would have been that case. He's like, I'm not 100% positive. Maybe
she does think this is all platonic. Cause if this guy wrote in and described this date, we'd be like,
of course she's into you. Why would she cuddle with you? Why would she hold your hand? Why would
she like, yeah, but I don't think most girls are like this girl either. Oh, most girls would be
like, I mean, this girl sounds like a special cake. Like she, or she doesn't want to admit to herself
that she does like this guy. Yeah. I mean, maybe that's it. And if it's, if she really doesn't
like this guy, then she better stop what she's doing right now. Yeah. You are deaf telling him
with every single action and fiber in your body that you are into him. Yeah. I've never had,
I've never had an experience where a girl was this flirtatious and then would shut me down.
Right. Which sounds like this girl might have. If this guy made a move, she'd be like, whoa.
But like, that's why I'm saying that it's unique to her and not like
guys should watch out for this behavior in, in women. Right. It's like,
don't let this be a warning. Right. This is just absurd. This is girl, this girl's an outlier.
Yeah. You're a psycho. But what was I going to say?
I might have lost it. So what do you think she should do?
Um, I think she should make a decision if she likes him, then you can go for it to do this.
And yeah, eventually maybe he'll make a move and he'll like you too. And that'll be nice.
But if you don't like him, then immediately stop because he's going to get the wrong idea.
He's going to try to kiss you. Then you'll feel weird and then that'll mess with your friendship.
Oh, is there such a thing as platonic cuddling? I don't think so. I think,
like there's that, the idea that I don't necessarily subscribe to, but I sort of subscribe to is like
guys can't be friends with girls. Like you would fuck any of your female friends.
Right. But that doesn't mean I couldn't be friends with them.
Yeah. But at the same time, like if guys are always down to bone their female friends,
you can't really have a platonic cuddle session.
Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think cuddling is platonic ever.
Yeah. There's so much. It's always charged.
It's like the most of your body touching the most of another person's body.
I think it could be innocent, but I don't think it can be platonic.
Yeah. I think you could cuddle with like without, you know, depraved intentions.
Yeah. Like you can't, it doesn't always lead to like the guy definitely wanting to bone or needing
to bone. Right. But I guess. But it's not completely devoid of any chemistry ever.
Right. Of course not. You can't have it.
You wouldn't want to cuddle someone you weren't attracted to, right? You don't just want to like
cuddle someone. But that's the thing. Girls do cuddle.
But they're not like sexually attracted, but it feels nice to cuddle with female friends.
Do they cuddle each other? I think so. I guess they do.
Like, can't you imagine like a spiritual lady, like a girl who's sort of like free thinking
like that? Like, oh, I just want to cuddle with friends after like a dinner at home.
I'll cuddle a little bit. And then like, oh, one thing leads to another.
They're like, oh, I'm accidentally touching your boob. Oh, I'm sorry. Actually, can you?
And then they're like, scissoring. But one of them was like, you got the wrong idea.
This isn't me. So there is not such a thing as platonic cuddling. Are you,
are you ready to go on record as saying that? Yes. No such thing as platonic cuddling.
Between a straight male and a straight female friend.
The guy, it'll always let the record show. I submit that there is no such thing as platonic
cuddling on the guy's end. Yes. The girl can actually feel nothing. I don't really,
I don't know how women's brains work. I should have more female guests on the show.
That's true. This is, we really should have had a woman help us to answer this. Yeah. Well,
come to think of it, we've never had a female guest. What about Emily Axford, Alison Williams?
Yeah, I can't think of one. Those are two. Exactly. I can't think of one. Wow.
But there are two. You got me. Also Milana. Milana seems like she would be down to have
platonic cuddling. She seems like that kind of girl that would be like, you know, like,
oh, I can cuddle with friends and it doesn't mean anything. Yeah, she's in touch with herself.
Yeah, she's emotionally intelligent. So for this girl, decide what you want and go for it.
And if you don't want this guy, then don't do this again. He's definitely interested and excited.
That's why he didn't leave until 2am. Guys don't do this with friends. Guys don't cuddle with friends.
Guys don't get drunk and watch movies with their friends. Yeah, guys don't drink Mike's hard lemonade.
Yeah, that was a weird, she's actually sponsored. That's why she said, drop that.
One more question. Oh no, a few more questions. Two more. At least. At least. Let's do one more
than the break. Fine. Oh, this one is from a dude. Marshawn Lynch. He went to your school too?
Yeah, he played with Aaron Rodgers. That's cool. Imagine that team.
Hey guys, love this show. So I've been going through a weird phase. I'm a 20 fun year old.
That's funny. I'm a 24 year old dude living in Chicago with three of my best friends. When we
all decided to move in together, we all agreed that we would spend as much time as possible
being single, snagging random dimes at the bars and just generally being as disrespectful as possible.
However, over the past few months all my friends have started seeing girls seriously and have
started to abandon our plan. I feel like I'm the only one who still wants to hunt for the pink stink.
So the question is, am I just being immature? Do I need to try to lock down a piece of snatch
like these jackasses? Or do I just keep doing my thing? It's not easy going out being the only
one who still wants to hit on women, but I feel like I'm too young to give it up. What do I do?
Love Marshawn Beast Mode, Lynch. Wow, wow, wow, wow. So you made a deal, a pact. We all get single.
We all poon hand. This is going to be the best fucking year of our lives. Why isn't anyone hanging
out with me? It's like, oh yeah. Oh, you fucked that girl. That's awesome. Oh, you're going to see
her again? Cool. Yeah, she should come out. Whoa, this is like the fourth time you hooked up. I love
that. Whoa. What do you mean? You're going over for a house to dinner. Meeting your parents. That's
fucking tight. I guess. Did you fuck her? You just cuddled with her watching a movie?
Okay, so now you're in one. Now you have the relationship. Shit, I still got two other,
oh no. You're all fallen soldiers. And now what am I supposed to do? Do I have to just go on a
solo mission? Do I have to nut up and get a girl of my own? I don't think guys can.
This is what I'm starting to realize. I don't think guys choose when they can and can't get
into a relationship. You just always go out and try to meet people. And sometimes one sticks.
It's hard to be like, oh, she's great, but I need to keep, just get off of me, great girl. I need
to keep. I think there's always a girl that's sounding good enough to get you to change your
ways. But if you keep going out and keep meeting people, there's only a so long you can go with
meeting bad people. Eventually you'll meet someone cool enough that you'll want to see a second time,
and then eventually you'll want to meet her a third time, and then a fourth, and then
one thing leads to another. That's why you really got to try to only hit on pieces of shit.
Yeah, that way you never, ever want to see them in the morning.
If you only fuck people you hate, you'll never get into a relationship.
Yeah, and if someone is like really good, like you meet a girl and you're like, wow,
this girl's great, don't even go down that path. Don't talk to her at all.
Yeah, if she's into it, no. Cut it off, nip it in the bud. No, sorry, I think you might make me happy.
This conversation was too fun. You are too exciting. I'm too attracted to you. I need to stop this.
Do you have a friend that's mean? I'd be down to, you know, do you have any
friends that are less attractive than you? Shallow, stupid? Yeah, someone that I wouldn't
be into as much. That's what I'm going for. So even if you make a pact, it doesn't really mean
anything. It's like, right, that's the other fun thing that guys do, like let's all be single,
and then there's just one dude that's hell bent on being single and everyone else is just
happy and content. He's like, come on, we're going to get pussy. No, I kind of wanted to
stay in with Cheryl. Fuck this. What? You're the worst roommates. They're all bowling with their
couples and it's him as the seventh wheel. As soon as you start to care about somebody,
like in a relationship way, you're like, do she roommate who wants to go out and find girls to
fuck is like his problems are so insignificant. But to him, they're huge. It's like, I need my
fucking dudes out hooking up with me and they're like, we're fine. We don't feel like doing that.
Yeah, it's cold actually in Chicago. It's cold. So I'd rather just like stay in.
And so no one cares that much about your penis tonight. I already have a girl. I've already
found a girl that I like. So what should this guy do? Should he just suck it up and find a
girlfriend? No, I don't think so. I think you can, I think you can like keep on raging, go on,
just maybe instead of like going to the bar with your homies, you're gonna have to do some like
Tinder swiping and going on random solo missions. Yeah, random dates and stuff.
Also couples are good as wing men, like wing couples. Oh, that's true. You should start
asking. Well, as long as they don't know, I mean, I don't know if you're a piece of shit,
but it sounds like you are thirsty and you don't want to get girls. I feel like
some like a friend's girlfriend wouldn't necessarily be eager to set me up with their friend. If they
just knew I was like, if they knew I wasn't looking for anything serious, but maybe you could always
just say like, do you have any friends that would want to try to go on a date with me? I feel like
new couples will often be excited by trying to set their friends up with their friends. Yeah,
because they want couples want other couples. Yeah, to go on dates. And then also like your
friend doesn't want to see you be single. He wants you to be in a relationship too, because then he
doesn't feel like he's missing out. Right. So he should, your friends should be invested in you
getting late more because then eventually you'll meet a girlfriend. If anything,
this should be a positive. It should expand your crew. And now you're going to go out with
three dudes, three girls. They're friends. It's way easier. Yeah, it's way easier to meet people
with like a big fun group than like four guys just on the prowl. Yeah, girls never a good thing.
That's never a good thing. People can see through that a lot of the time. Unfortunately, four guys
is not a good it's not a good ratio. Yeah, when it's just like four dudes, everybody's trying to
get late. Like, no one's ever all work for for four. No one's ever even when I whenever I've done that
like no one's even talking to each other. They're just like drinking eyes darting around the bar
like her, her, her, those girls, you taught you, you taught you, you taught you like nobody's having
fun. Yeah, what's the goal there to find four equally attractive ladies who are also on the prowl?
That's not going to happen. Right. No, no one girl wants to go over to talk to the four
four hunched over guys at the bar. Look creepy. What if they're all hot though? They might be all
the dudes are hot. They might be beefy corn eating Midwestern Chicagoans. But I feel like the question
of like, should I try to lock something down? I feel like you can't either go for a girlfriend or
not a girlfriend. You just have to keep doing what you're doing and then it'll eventually either
happen or not. Yeah, it's definitely also bad to be like, all right, all my friends have girlfriends.
So I guess the next girl I have sex with will be my new girlfriend. Yeah, it's a Cupid's arrow.
Yeah, well, that I'm the only single one you're doing. Have fun, meet people,
and then you'll find someone you like. Yeah, or not. Or not. And that's fine too. Yeah, maybe
you'll die alone. Let's hope. Yay. We all die alone. Yeah, because one of the odds that a couple
dies at the same exact time, either you're bearing your loved one or you're dying alone. Let's take
a break. All right. Thank you. One more sponsor. Or maybe you'll both die in a tragic accident.
Oh, that'll be good. Yay. We'll be back just after this message.
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Thank you, Squarespace. I am back. It's funny. We talked about dying at the same time. One time
we were I was flying with my entire family and my mom basically casually said like, oh, I'm not
afraid of flying when I'm with the entire family like this because like if we all die, then we
all die. It's like nothing. It won't be that sad because we're all dying together, which I thought
was very callous and romantic at the same time. It's beautiful and also like your mom wouldn't
be sad that you guys died before. No, no. At the same time. Yeah. Yeah. I was just like, oh,
you guys won't be sad. I won't be sad. We'll all just be gone at the same time. I'd rather you
died, mom. That's the ideal. You know, it's weird. I had a dream over Chris's break that you died in
a plane accident. Oh, really? Yeah, it was really sad too. And your mom was cracking up. Your mom,
the one part of this dream that I remember really well for whatever reason was that your mom
wrote on your Twitter about it. My mom tweeted from my account? Yeah. Wow. I mean, I'd found out
before, but then like your mom like was looking online to see what was being said about your death.
Yes. And you found from my, your mom was at Jake and Amir tweeted, hey, this is Amir's mom. It wasn't
like that. It was like, I don't remember exactly what it was, but it was like a poet, a line of
poetry or something. That's nice. Yeah. That'd be nice. It would be nice to see your funeral.
That's a sad thing that nobody would ever go through. It's kind of the sad thing about funerals.
I know. We all get together to honor someone after they're gone. Why don't we, why don't we
switch that up? Let's start giving people's funerals on their 50th birthday. Well, yeah,
I guess so. But I mean, it's also about like the family and the friends and grieving and
I don't really care much for that party for you. No, I really want it to be a celebration in my
more than honor, really. More than glory. I want you to bask in all his glory. I want you to bask.
I want to be a god when I die. Why be a king? A martyr, a king and a god. In that order.
So y'all can bask and y'all can pray and y'all can kneel before me. Wow. At least that's my ideal
funeral. We talked about our shows already, so I don't know what else do you want to talk about
during this breaker? I don't know. Trying any new like masturbation things, anything on that front.
You jerking off in a different way? Yeah, yeah. I've actually been, so I get like a huge thing of
petroleum jelly, cover my penis with everything and then I sneak into your room and I hump your
feet while you're asleep.
You hump my feet. I fold them into the shape of sort of like a vagina and I
fuck the creases in between your two feet. You turn the two arches. Mom, turn the podcast up.
You need to hear this. You turn the arches of my feet into labia and you fuck the crevice.
And you come wear onto my calves. Onto the sheets. Oh. It's still pretty foul. That is a very good
call to shape of your arches of your feet. Do look like a vagina. Look at that. I wonder if
foot fetishes like that. Oh, definitely. There is something about that, right? Yeah. The narrow
arches. I think there's a foot porn where that definitely happens. Yeah. I'd be surprised if
it was if it didn't. I feel like you asked because you have a new masturbation technique.
No, I ask because you were touching your dick. Oh, sorry. Well, I'm always doing that.
I actually, as long as we're talking candidly about masturbation, I don't know if I ever have,
nor do I like using lubrication. You go dry? I think I go dry. Never trust a guy that goes dry.
Is that a thing dry versus lube? Yeah. I mean, I can't go dry. My hands are too callousy.
My dick is sandpaper. It doesn't hurt? No, it doesn't hurt. Interesting. Do you ever go dry?
I don't think so. Wow. So you're always slicked up? Yeah. I mean, I need to recreate a vagina as
much as possible. Oh, that's the thing. So do I, but I've never turned a girl on to the point where
the vagina is dry. Oh, every vagina you've ever had sex with was dry. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like,
I've never made a girl squirt or wet or moist. Yeah. Yeah. It's not even humid down there. It's
never been damp. Are you sure you've ever had sex? I have. Yeah. Yeah. It's super dry down there.
Like, she'll like fake it, like get into the motions of it. But as anatomically, dry, dry. Her
body don't lie. Dry, dry, her body don't lie. Oh, God. Let's take two steps back before we go
into something dangerous. Sure. Yeah. Let's answer one last question. Hey, you know I was
kidding about that dry shit. I make them wet. I really do. It's a, it's a gusher.
Like the snack. It's like a gusher snack. Is this a guy or a girl? It's a guy. Cool.
Shit, there was one more. Oh yeah. Justin Forset. Nice. Right. Well done. My sticky situation is
that I used to have this fuck buddy. We only did it on three different occasions, but it was a
glorious. Anyway, we used to do it. We used to do all the Snapchat bullshit and sexting. And usually
when I'd say I was the, and usually when I'd say I was the best she'd ever had, she would agree
profoundly. And we both say that we had to fuck again soon. But the last time I said we really
need to fuck again, she said maybe, which was, which made me think something was up. And it was,
she had a boyfriend. So I stopped talking for, I stopped talking to her for about a month or so.
Then one day I Snapchat at her, just something normal. And we got to talking again. And I told
her about this dream I had of her I had. And she seemed really interested and flirty about it.
Fast forward a couple days, she sends me a morning Snapchat of her in her underwear with the caption
X. She still has a boyfriend. So why would she send me this? Do you think that I still have
a chance at tapping that? And would you blame me if I did? I've been cheated on before. So I know
it sucks, but I place 100% of the blame on the person who cheated and not the person they cheated
on with. Thanks guys. Love Justin Forsett. Sounds like you're a little to blame.
So let's not sit like, should I do it? Should I know it's not good to cheat on people, but
it's 100% her fault. I'm not doing anything. It's like you're already defending yourself.
It sounds like he's already made up his mind that he's going to do it. Should I do it? It
wouldn't be bad at all. It's on her, not me. I don't care. She's the jerk. You want to make
her a jerk. You want to transfer. So you're a jerk because you know that causing her to cheat
will make her a bad person. And you're like, I'll help you be a bad person. Yeah, you're
going to help her be a jerk. It's aiding and abetting. It's aiding and abetting a jerk.
Ipso facto, you're the jerk. You are a jerk. So why would she send something coy and flirtatious?
She probably wants to keep him on the hook a little bit. She doesn't want to lose him forever.
But she doesn't necessarily want to cheat on her boyfriend either. Not necessarily.
Though I think that snap is a pretty fucked up either way, but a snap is not sex.
So this is like the most you can get away with it. You can still be angry, but it's not
necessarily cheating. Right. She also just wrote X. So that could have gone to a lot of people.
Very good. You're a good snaps matician. So you can send one snap to multiple people and they
don't know. Yeah. That didn't just go to your boss. Sorry. But he was an F-buddy with her.
Yeah. So you're saying don't do it. I'm saying it's probably not worth wrecking their relationship.
You might as well just not be involved. I know I'm not saying that he's to blame if she cheats on
him, but like if a relationship is just going to fall apart because of something you do,
why don't you just not be involved? Even if it's like guilty or not guilty,
I'd rather not be included in the demise of a relationship.
Well, you're acting like that's the con and there's no pro. Okay. That's the negative effect.
But on the other side, you're having the best sex you've ever had. Is it worth it? I'm having great
sex and then a different relationship gets ruined. It's definitely selfish. It's selfish, but is it
not illegal, but is it grounds for not doing it at all? Is it a non-starter? That's an argument
for not doing it. Yes. Of course it's an argument for not doing it. Yes. But then what happens when
they break up? That just means more sex for you. Isn't it a self-fulfilling sex prophecy?
You have sex with a girl. Uh-oh. She's a cheater. I think...
Then you can have guilt-free sex with her. If anything, it's a win-win.
I really disagree with what you just said. But haven't you been there before?
Yes. And that's why I'm telling you from personal experience that it's very bad and dumb and not
good and selfish and evil. So just don't be involved. Okay. So that's bad. That's the negative.
So let's list the negatives. It's bad and selfish. You can have sex with a single person.
The best sex of your life. But what if you can have an orgasm? What if you not?
You'll be able to not with a single. What if you not? You really will. Why?
She'll be single and you'll still not if you can believe it. If you can believe this.
But what if it's hard to find a girl that will let you do that if sometimes if you're a guy?
What do you mean? A guy can't have sex with anybody he wants. It's a special thing.
I'm not telling you to have sex with anybody. I'm telling you to have sex with a single person.
Right. That's hard. You can find it. No, it's not. Yeah. It's hard. Not everybody can have sex
with anybody they want. I think it's a lot harder to have sex with a girl in a relationship than
it is to have sex with a girl. No, because this girl already wanted to have sex with him.
This girl already did have sex with him. She doesn't want to have sex with him. She sent him
with one Snapchat in her underwear. That doesn't mean anything. The more you have sex with a girl,
the easier it is to have sex with her again. It's like a it's a lot of diminishing marginal
effort. So let's say. Don't throw those big words around. I think like you're going to beat me with
this argument. To bring a girl from zero to one, from never having sex with you till the first
time, that's the hardest step. Okay. From one to two is the second hardest step. From two to
three is the third hardest, and then it gets easier and easier and easier and easier. Sure.
But it never gets harder. Yes. Other factors are to be considered, i.e. she enters a relationship
in an exclusive committed relationship with somebody else. Then you're starting from zero to one
with her all over again. No, you don't go back to zero. No, you do not go back to zero. You know,
that's not true. Once you've already been there, there's a certain level of comfort and it just
it's just an easier place to go back to. If I wanted to sleep with someone tonight and I let's
say I like decided I had to, I would not go out to a bar and try to convince a girl that I've
never met before. Would you contact a girl that you knew to be in a relationship? No. So but I'm
saying that's easier than a stranger. That's a good thing. You're suggesting that he does. No,
no, no, no. I'm just saying it's a possibility that it's for him. It's easier. No, I'm not
supposing that it's easier. You're also adding your own caveats like you need to have sex tonight.
He doesn't need to have sex tonight. In his brain, he does. No, he doesn't. He wants to get off.
To him, it's like this is this is not only as good as it gets, but it might be the only thing
he'll get. That's not true. You're giving him the ammo that he needs. Yeah. You're saying
you might not be able to have sex with anyone except for this one girl who is in a relationship.
That's right. That's dangerous advice. You're a danger. That's irresponsible.
I'm arresting you. You're telling this guy to not just try to find a single person.
And if you can't, let's say if he strikes out three times,
he can try to break and ruin this relationship. I don't think that's a good idea, but I do.
Well, this brings us back to the idea. If he can bone this girl, maybe it's not worth the
being in a relationship with her anyway. Maybe he's doing this other guy a favor.
That's true. But also, nobody said that he can bone this girl. He's going off of
her saying maybe to let's have sex again and then a snap chat where he told her about a dream
and then she sent him a picture of her underwear. Yeah. That's flirtatious.
Yeah, that's flirtatious, but it's not sex flirtatious.
All right. Either way, I guess if I were you, I wouldn't do it, but it's not the worst thing in
the world. And if I were you, I'd fucking go for it. So we're both saying if I were doing the opposite.
So take that. All right. That's it. That's our time. Thanks for writing in. If you have your own
questions or your own theme songs, send it to ifirishow at gmail.com. We also need thumbnails
if you have a work of art, then you are a work of art to us. Send that also the thumbnails to
ifirishow at gmail.com. The opening theme song was from a guy named Dimitri. And this last one
is from someone named Rory Pickney. Rory Pinkney. So thanks, Rory. Thanks to you guys for listening.
I think we're back on Thursday this week yet again. Another bonus Thursday episode. All right.
Cool. See you soon. Bye.
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