If I Were You - 127: Missing Dad (with Patrick Cassels!)

Episode Date: January 15, 2015

Our friend Pat Cassels joins us to discuss family dinners and very long distance relationships.This episode is brought to you by MottAndBow.com, SquareSpace.com, TheBouqs.com, and TaxAct.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Yo, thanks for tuning in to Jake and Amir, so check it out in order to say afloat Yeah, we gotta promote so listen here grab a beer as we tell you this yo Buy a motherfucking square space idiots can share taste create the section for who's wanted selling bear mates Welcome to the show say hello to my flow if you can't make it rain, then you better make it snow We got a pair of individuals queued up for podcasting cackle late residuals I give it a time blasting The only pockets on the internet with diva roaches hate us to buy a penalized encroachment Telling if I would you but you probably already know this take the advice I put it in your pop and smoke It's getting stoned off the wordplay of a beer the fact I have this prerogative

It make me shed a tear I said I'm getting boned by the diatrabahurwit Penetrates my ears. It's like second base. I'm sure of it. Let's talk some tolerance and season the cheese Collecting down the bills when I'm pleasing the fees put every bit of faith that we do that It's an atrocity. We're back put the trigger in the mind of the velocity y'all in for a treat I'm done with my spiel so fast in your feet bet because she's about to get real Damn Wow, that was actually little Wayne who little way not Lil Wayne This is Lil Wayne's brother little little Wayne night actually away a midget Wayne night impersonator

You can see every night at Atlantic City on the boardwalk opposite. What's the hotel in Atlantic City? Obviously the boardwalk is the ocean exactly. He's on a buoy a dingy really That guy's name is seesaw s or sorry c e s a w seesaw. Okay. Got it. Yeah See the movie saw. Yeah, it's a saw advertisement. No, he's actually just saw Saw Let's see it spelled with a C. How do you quantify that see? What's yeah, I just didn't even comprehend see Yeah, see like silo. Yeah, exactly right. So it's like silo in a saw mask

Yeah, which is what it's sort of what I was imagining when I made my joke, right? So thanks for that theme song Pat Castle's in the house. Hi. How's it going? Thanks for having me good We just checked you haven't been on the show in over a year. Wow episode 30 was your last episode Not for lack of trying you contact us almost every day. It's true on the daily Do you have like a reminder? How does that work because it is often time always on my mind? It's really really the challenge is not reminding myself to not call you more than one time you ignore that challenge Yeah, oh more than one time a day. Yeah, exactly. You get one a day. Yeah, what I think I don't be like I don't want to be pester you guys. So of course you're pestering

I mean, I'm calling you each individually once a day and oftentimes you are in the same way The crazy thing is we've accepted every single time you has to be on and then you don't show up I blow you off the last minute. Christ. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I have a fucking thing This is gonna sound fake and rehearse. Don't ask for specifics that 390th day in a row I'm canceling, but I really did something did come up a couple times. We've actually bumped really exciting guests like who? Roseanne Barr was gonna be my god. Yeah, but we said hey Pat's gonna be here tonight And she said I understand and then last minute you canceled we reached out to her. She was insulted She's never gonna come back. I can't believe we got Roseanne Barr

I also can't believe Roseanne Barr is the first fun celebrity you thought of. I don't know why She's a good get you know, she's her name Roseanne Barr. Is it Roseanne Arnold at this point? They're still together. She's like a nut farmer. Yeah, it's actually Roseanne Barnold now. They combined it Are they still is it I'm I feel so am I just too so cynical of Hollywood that I feel like there's no way in hell They're still together. No, it's such a PR setup relationship. I mean, there's still a thing. It's a tabloid It's okay. Oh, they can't tell you're wearing a tight black t-shirt and holding the microphone and walking back and forth across the room right now Like Dennis Leary I'm wearing a leather jacket that goes down to my calves

So this is if I were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake and Pat castles is here. Pat. How would people know you from our videos? Maybe from occasionally Jake and Amir episodes. What's your claim to fame? I guess writer performer on college humor most most recently. What's the most popular largest ball of twine? well fifth largest ball of string It's not twine. I couldn't get into the twine game. It was there's some call to entry was very very high There's some bullshit rule about the tent the tensile strength of it, but whatever

People's balls are always accumulating more string. It's sort of like a it's a rolling list And I'm constantly being bumped a few years ago. I had the biggest ball of string But I haven't gotten now rose at the top three Roseanne has it now. You know Streeter's Streeter's a Grandfather or great-uncle or something has the world's biggest coat hanger. Oh, no I know it's known at the most the most coat hanger collection not the biggest No, he has the biggest one. He's the second biggest one to the pyramids the biggest one I never thought about that. I guess you yeah, I guess you could you could hang a coat on it. Oh my god

I think the moon is the biggest coat hanger How so? This is me on a really bad first date. What do you think the moon is? I'm sorry. I'm a bit of a contrarian in that regard I mean you could hypothetically if you had a big enough coat and there was a big enough mass Let me get you another tomato juice. I Ordered the first one for you and I feel like you haven't touched it I was gonna ask earlier. Do you know the most popular video you're in? What video has seen that you're in that has been seen the most amount of times? Hmm. That's it. Do you know the answer? No, okay?

That's a good question. I mean we've got it's got probably I'm trying I mean there's a finite number of like, you know, I regret asking Sorry, well depends on what you mean by view Yeah, cuz you know the drop-off rate really Look at this graph over here. I don't know. I'm trying to think There's just like a finite number of like two million I think he's holding a little ball of string. Yeah, I can't believe that's the third biggest ball of string in the world No, I probably did like background or something and like one of those early videos and when we used to get like, you know

50 million views in the first 30 seconds. Oh, yeah, I remember those days when we were the hottest celebrities on earth, right? So you remember how the show works people email us that in need of advice They're like, oh my god I don't know what to do and we do our best to offer it and sometimes it's just me and Jake Sometimes we have our friends on and then sometimes Pat's on too. What sometimes we have our friends on and sometimes you get to be on as well Okay, yeah, relax. I ain't relaxed. No, you aren't sometimes our friends are too busy So what am I then to you? What's a step below a co-acquaintance?

Co-acquaintance? It's not a step below co-worker It's like if co-worker is friend, what's the acquaintance version? You're like I'm like on par with like a guy who's buying your washing machine off Craigslist. Yeah Exactly. Only I email that guy a little bit more often than I do you Can I say your email if people want to email you? Can I say your private email on this show? Do you mind if I just say what your private email is?

Why are you that's that's not fair because if I say no, I'm an asshole and if I say yes, then you're the coolest guy in the world I mean, I probably wouldn't get that minute. My email's probably I think my email's on my blog. Oh, really? It is funny how easily accessible some people are just I guess a lot of people wouldn't even think about it I feel like we should not include this. We're gonna end up getting emails. I actually I would say what are my emails? I will say um Someone at work because someone was looking for someone's email That was kind of famous at work to be like in a video or something and someone someone had it And it's always just like it was like do you have does anyone have like, you know, um

Patrick warburton email or something like that. I'm just pulling them for example, but I'm not giving them an email I don't know and it's just Patrick warburton No, it's always just like Patrick warburton.com or like, you know, or brad. pit.com Sorry brad. pit at gmail.com or sometimes that person's name like me at his person's name.com. Oh, right like me at brad at me.com Yeah, I always say mac.com I just want to email like the top 100 a-listers actresses and be like like scarlet dot joe hanson at gmail.com Do you want to hang out some time?

But I bet some like even if it's not scarlet joe hanson It's some creepy person that's sitting on scarlet joe hanson waiting for that to happen Yeah, waiting for her to contact them scarlet dot joe hanson at me.com say hey, can I have this? It's gonna be scarlet when Natalie Portman went to harvard. I heard um that um a lot of the other you're so nervous She was uh wearing her harvard sweatshirt No, there was like a lot all the all the natalies at harvard. It was because like it was like net you Even if their last name wasn't portman if it was like natalie m at harvard.edu would get emails from dudes being like Hey, are you natalie portman? I like asking around on a date and they're strange like what is what what are they hoping like?

Well, that's actually yes. It's me natalie portman. Do you want to tell me about you? I'm so eager and that's how she met her husband I just think just blatantly ignoring the fact that it's like natalie and then like an initial that isn't p and being like Well, maybe we thought maybe like you use your first name, but a different letter instead of your last name Honestly, it's a long shot, but she's so hot. It's worth it Like what are the what am I gonna waste a couple minutes of my life? If I can fucking get into natalie if I can get an in with portman Did you see that bitch and mr. Magorium wonder imporium? Oh my god. Hey, don't say bitch. I'm sorry. Don't say mr. Magorium wonder imporium

Is this intro run is am I bantering too much? I feel like no, but you can think things like that without saying them too um, all right preferably tomorrow Really guys you're falling asleep tonight And then you get text us and we'll say yeah, it was a little much, but hopefully we can edit it down We'll cut it down to a solid 90 seconds No, it's about average All right, but i'm about to start this mofo. Uh, these are real emails from real people

We're gonna give them fake names to preserve their anonymity pat. Will you give us a fake guy's name? Oh, okay, uh, Sure mit what mit. Huh mit yo m it last name Romney I think i'm lasting them because i was gonna just clearly make them all republican candidates. Okay mit writes Me and my gf decided to take our relationship to the next level by inviting us Over to our separate family dinners last thursday night

She came over my house where uh where i live with my dad and it was actually pretty chill My dad made funny jokes and he was pretty chill with her making her feel comfortable and all two days ago though I went to her house for dinner and compared to the dinner at my house. It was so terrible Her dad was missing so he only had dinner with her mom Uh, her mom is kind of old and not very cool But she seemed like a nice person anyway The problem is though She seemed a bit worried like through the whole dinner which made me feel pretty uneasy

All she made for dinner was yams in the salad which tasted okay, but still isn't I don't know my kind of thing It just I thought it was kind of lacking Through the whole dinner I kept wondering to myself if I was the problem like her mom wasn't expecting me that night or something Or maybe she was worried because my gf's dad went missing Anyway, afterwards I talked to my gf and she kept saying it was all right and I wasn't the problem She said her mom liked me very much, but i'm pretty sure that's not the truth Do you think in the future I should avoid these family dinners our relationship is going pretty well

And I really want her mom to like me, but I also don't feel comfortable facing her again. What should I do? I'm really serious with this girl. Thanks both very much uh in advance. Love you love mid um, I mean Is this fun? There's a missing person involved here. That's the takeaway. I'm getting I feel like we should stop the podcast and look I don't know. It's in our obligation. It's girlfriend's dad is legit gone He doesn't he wasn't just miss like he wasn't just a no-show for dinner. He was a no-show for work You can't say you can't drop that in the first two sentences and then be like Anyway, also yams your husband's been missing for a week, but I mean like he only made salad and yams

What does he even have to come home for? I was like I was like, okay Maybe he's just like it was a weird at first. I was like maybe it's just a weird use of the word missing But then he's like But the mom seemed worried and I think maybe she was worried because like no one had heard from the dad Yeah, I've never had that happen to me. I'm missing parent But also he's like so I feel like he is it's just one of those things like oh i'm cool and everyone else sucks or something. Yeah, right your dinner sounds

fine Your dad made jokes And that was it. He was present everyone knew where my dad was which was chill. My dad was like hilarious I love my dad dinner was on point. I love my dad. My dad is my best friend. He was not missing He was there everything was perfect. My dad be fucking mom was like her dad wasn't there Her mom was old She made sweet potatoes and she cooked and it was fine, but it was lacking It was lacking. I think you're an asshole

You're lacking. I also you know, well, I would also say that I think that like you're not you know feeling uncomfortable around your significant other's parents is You know, if you're lucky you get along really well with them But I think it's also very common to for that. It's a very common problem. So I think he just has to sort of Deal with it and just make you know, I think not getting along with your in-laws I guess you're not married then it's your girlfriend's parents. It's just like I mean, I got little movies to see called meet the parents Yeah, and or meet the fuckers. Yeah, or little fuckers. No really the first one because that's sort of the message

Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I just think ben stiller is amazing. Oh, oh, what about fury? Oh, that movie's actually pretty tight. Yeah, but that doesn't have to do with that is also a movie What about world war one? Oh my god, that one was chill too. There's a great war Oh, you're not even talking about a movie. Well, we're back because well fury was world war two So I'm just saying like world war one was also a war. That was really really good I don't know world war z or the renaissance. That was a historical thing. Yeah renaissance man starring distant. Anyway, you guys agree though, right? Coat hanger of all time Sorry, I meant renaissance man starring Danny DeVito. Also the second biggest coat hanger of all time. Yeah

Sorry, where were we god could make a coat hanger so big not even he Could use it Uh, definitely he has it's called the moon Weird reverend giving a sermon Uh, I think it makes sense to not necessarily get along with your girlfriend's parents on upon the first meeting Especially when they're like you're young, uh, the dad's missing. Yeah, so like But it's just it takes Several attempts to like get comfortable with somebody

Is there anything more nerve wracking in one's life than meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time? Like what an important thing you have to be on the best behavior you can possibly imagine Yeah, like that's the I what would you get more nervous for than that? Uh, I get more nervous for other like I'm fucking real good, you know, but the first time that's like the first impression is huge I've never ever ever not met a parent who loved the shit out of me. Yeah first meeting That's that's because you're playing it as cool as possible. You're like acting in the best possible way Right, right, right, right. You're not like if you make one slip up one mistake. Oh, I'm not saying. Yeah, it's definitely It's not it's not like I'm not trying and it all works. Yeah, I'm trying really hard

But I also don't get nervous because I know that I'm good at it. Well. Yeah, I think that I it's like You just have to it's like you just have to behave well like I guess you're You know, maybe it's hard to like fucking wow them Yeah, but I think I think I wouldn't I think if it was if I I'm not I don't I don't have a girlfriend right now But I think if I was meeting my girlfriend's parents, I would like try and I wouldn't Swing for the fences. I wouldn't try and be like buddy buddy with the dad because that's when you mess up That's like that's weird, but I'm real. I think I'm very good at being completely neutral I'm gray

The the trick is not like not trying to relate to mom and dad and be like, hey, I'm a golden boy Like let me do the dishes. Let me help with the with the cooking. Hey dad. What do you do that? That is what you should do. No, no, I don't do that Um, I specifically do not clean. I'd be like, I don't know. Yeah, yeah If it comes if it comes natural, but I also think it's like you don't want a showboat You don't want to like get up and start clearing the dishes or whatever It's the same muscle as getting anyone to like you I think whether it's like But I think with parents they're they're less impressed by you like trying to impress them

And like what they secretly want is to eat for you to be very respectful of their daughter So you find little ways to insert that like tell a story and you know, celebrate their kid. Yeah, that's what it is It's oh this person likes my daughter or son as much as I do So I like them because they like that Like your daughter is amazing in bed like and you should really be proud of that because she can deep throat my cock And I'm sure sir, but I'm doing the dishes so it doesn't matter Can I this chicken was lacking? Really why did you not know I was coming over you must not have known I was coming over

I'm gonna give you constructive criticism constructive So it's a win-win because it tasted like construction paper. I mean my god. What did you season this with? What's more nerve-racking for you meeting your significant other's parents or them meeting your parents? I would probably actually be more nervous for them to be my parents who I love my parents but Homo I love my dad. My dad's hilarious. He's so funny He's the best guy in the world and I love him with all my heart and soul

No, I just I don't know. I I'm just I'm a little kind of a personal guy So it's just like letting someone in man. Yeah, I'm really emailing moody right now. That's cool You are suddenly wearing black eyeliner. Yeah, what about you? What makes you a little more nerve-racking? You have not your parents have the nicest parents in the world Well, your mom has nothing to be nervous about my mom's the fucking She's the king and the queen. Yeah, she's my dad's a court jester He's a pumpkin My mom is the royal court and my dad is a pumpkin that sits on her table. He really is a pumpkin

He is small orange and he wears a small that's enough out of you about my fucking old man Your dad's your dad's a crook and a cheat. I'm just yeah, he is He's a gynecologist. That means he fingers other chicks all day All day. He does that Hey guys come on. We should really we should really just move on with the podcast. All right, but by the time we finish Jake's dad will be rotting on someone's stoop Like a pumpkin. That's enough. Is his name jack. That name really is jack Sam it's actually sam you fucking asshole. I want to put a candle in his mouth and just watch it glow through his eyes

He's a gourd Squash Your dad's a squash. He really is a butternut squash. I wouldn't be I'm only getting this offend because he's actually a gourd It's he's a gourd not a squash. He's a scarecrow with a pumpkin head Uh, I don't think I would be nervous about either really You don't get a little nervous if your lady's meeting your family for the first time. Um No Well, because your mom is so nice my mom's really really and your dad is nice too

Your dad's just like so mellow like there's no it's impossible to imagine anyone. I'm sorry. I don't mean to talk about your parents You're we haven't said anything shitty about them except for when you called my dad a gourd That's what I mean like who doesn't love a gourd. He's so mellow. He just sits there in the garden He's growing slowly. He's an orange pumpkin. He just sits there eating up nutrients from the soil Until he's robust and yellow. No, I'm sorry. Uh, yeah, no, I'm not really nervous No, I think here's my thing. I think that people make People either like aren't that great with first impressions, but over time um, people grow to like them because they're consistently

Uh, they're nice and polite and maybe not like super charming, but you know, you grow to Appreciate someone's presence. Yeah, and then some people are like great with first impressions and that's where we go downhill over time Yeah, that's me. Yeah, so I started high and low. Yeah I will lose everyone's trust and respect eventually. Yeah, so but right off the bat That's your best. I'm more nervous when I'm meeting a girlfriend's parents I would be more nervous for the inevitable breakdown of the relationship and when they start talking shit about me but like up top No nerves at all. What do you tilt the back of your microphone up so that the top of it faces down into you like this?

Oh, yeah, that's perfect. What are you? What are you? What are you? Nervous about oh I would say 10 to 15 times more when they meet my parents, right because you're likable and your parents are Your your mother is very very intense. She's like a israeli interrogator. Yeah, she's like a commando. Yeah They're both in the army. It's also intimidated to meet your parents I guess I this is maybe the one thing that would throw me off meeting your parents. It's like Their english isn't their first language, right? So you have like speak with an accent. Yeah When I first met them it was hard to understand. I mean still it's a little hard to understand your father

Yeah, who speaks basically in tongues You chant that my dad only speaks latin and ladino two dead languages. He also writes all of his prescriptions in sanskrit He's a mummy My daddy is a mummy and my mummy is my daddy. Have you ever Your parents ever just like straight up not like to go that you brought home? Um, they've been like not thrilled I bet And were they rude to her? No, no, no, they're very friendly So you've never actually as nervous as you would get you've never actually had a bad experience. Yeah. Yeah, never had a bad experience

but Like even when I eat at restaurants with my parents It's often like I have to laugh at extra loud at jokes That sometimes they say because the waiter doesn't understand that if it's a joke or not and I have to be like ha ha He's just joking. Like what's the example of a joke like that? Um, like the food's not like you arab bastard Yeah, like if the food is late and my dad is like, oh, they're going to kill the chicken And the waiters like uh What and then I'm like, oh, he just said are they going to kill the chicken like the food's not here

It's funny. Don't spit in my food. Yeah, you don't get to spit in my food. It's what I'll say to the waiter Right, right. Yeah, yeah Do you think is your when your parents when your when your dad makes a joke like that? Yeah Do you see secretly very very upset and he's kind of being passive aggressive Or is he just really being truly playful and making a joke? I think he's his patience for Service runs thin sometimes. So he like he's very antsy. He's all he's often like ready to go and move So there's an antsy-ness to him and then he uh much like me Manifests all anger as comedy

Or like if he's on if he's way if he's like if you're on an airplane and like it's too bumpy or something He'll like call the stewardess over and be like, hey, like are you killing the chicken or what? Yeah Regardless of what are you and are you killing the chicken? Yeah? His entire life is asking people if they've killed chickens before excuse me sir. And you have to be like ha ha He's just saying like yeah, I don't know just to translate yet again from English to another metaphor He's asking if the pilot can find smoother air. He actually is afraid of flying. So that's funny that you mentioned that Oh, he is. Yeah. Wow. It's I didn't know that. Mm-hmm. I can't that's Um

Your dad's doctor Yeah It's hard for me to imagine a doctor being afraid of being afraid of anything for some reason. Yeah, they're too smart to be afraid Yeah, that's yes too smart to be afraid of flying. Oh interesting I think it's a totally different fear like my dad also drives very dangerously So like he should really be afraid of dying in in that way statistically. It's more likely, right? That's actually a false False stat you are 10 times more likely to die in an airplane accident 10 times more likely

What are the like what is like one in like a thousand one a million exactly right one in a thousand versus one in a million? No, that was the same examples No, it's not true. You're my so yeah, I think and also this this guy's uh dinner experience didn't even as jake had said I didn't sound that bad like the mom was a little standoffish. Maybe but like other than that. It was fine It's me fucking yams and sale. That's so what's the advice here? The advice I think is that like not everyone is your family you feel comfortable around your dad So your dinner was good and you didn't feel comfortable around somebody else's mother We were hilarious. We did we did an entire we recited an entire dane cook album

Your dinner Um yams and sale though kind of weird meal. I will admit That being said as long as we're talking about dane cooks harmful of swallowed I mean jesus christ how are you supposed to eat that many sweet potatoes? Am I right? No, no Superfinger Uh, so the question was specifically do you think in the future? I should avoid these family dinners I would say no get to know them better and it'll get better I'd say lean into honestly

All kidding aside, I would say lean into it Go back as soon as possible kind of like when you're in the air force and if a plane crashes And you're in the air force all the pilots want to go up the next day They don't want they want to get back up there as soon as possible before like the fear settles in oh interesting I didn't you are the exact same kind of hero as these Air force pilots you're the same Uh, all right cool. So we're on the same page here. Yeah, I think so. Uh, we had to Uh

Make a quick stop to thank one of our sponsors and we usually cut away But I think it would be fun if pat would you join us for this sponsor specifically? Is that okay with you? Um, I really need to check with my guy. Um, this you actually don't have a guy. Yeah, it's sure. I'm yes. That's exactly Uh, right. So next thing you know what I just talked to him and it's good. It's fine You just opened boom beach on your iphone made one move and then said it was fine He's pat actually I saw him check his phone see that it was dead and then said I checked with him. He's fine Uh, so the sponsor uh that we wanted to think right now is squarespace You know squarespace recently launched the latest version of their platform squarespace seven

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Uh, it's a fun one to say it is available right now. Uh, as we record timid dimwit dot com timid dimwit dot com So what's your website? Oh timid dimwit It's kind of like if even if you wanted to start a band name that it's kind of a fun thing to say timid dimwit Uh, jake, um, I've got a twofer. Holy shit. Yep. Uh, both tacky fart And dumb anus were available and those are dot coms. Dot com. Those are not dot net domain Domainus is a is a dot k through 12 It's a dot gov actually

Uh pat and you looked yourself. Do you have a domain name that you can recommend? I do. I also think I also personally think mine is very fun to say and mine's very useful Uh small yo-yo com Small yo-yo I don't buy I want it. What sort of e-commerce website would be called that So I was gonna log on to small yo-yo to see if it's available and it's just pat castles a new professional website but just imagine a big guy just like Just the yo-yo is the size of a dime. It's kind of small. It's like not that small. It's actually a normal size yo-yo in a big hand

I think it sounds like I've said this before but I think it sounds like a like real estate or like a Let's sort of weird like price like kayak.com or like, you know Compare prices for hotels in bangladesh. It's small yo-yo.com and then like while it's loading the search It's like a little yo-yo that's going on the dance. How do you yo-yo? Yeah, it's just like the the mac pinwheel with a string attached to yeah only smaller easy to code Yeah, uh, so if you're interested in those domains or building your own website You can start a trial with no credit card required, uh and start building your website today Go to square space.com slash if I were you. Oh, sorry promo code if I were you

Uh, cool. Thanks pat. Let me know if I if you buy small yo-yo.com. Yeah, I'd love to make the first Yeah, you should make the first like uh, what's it called when you up? There's like a quote under the domain That's like, oh, I use this website all the time testimonial. Yes. Oh totally. Yeah, I go here It's nothing yet, but I just like the name and I support it That castle I support yo-yo's of non-normal sizes. Uh, oh shit My phone's all stuck in landscape mode. How was that fair? All right. Uh, I need a girl's name pat Uh, michelle Do you want a last name?

Yes, good talk. Uh, no, michelle obama who's way more conservative than bachman if you really look at the stats I mean, can we talk about her actual stance on things? I'm gonna just let's move. I will move to canada Because your husband's destroying this country Jesus why you had me on here You knew which way I leaned I'm not republican. I'm just joking. You give me a microphone. How am I supposed to not vent? This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious

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Data you can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace For example, I didn't even look this up But there's no way you can't buy a mere blumenfeld is a good dude dot com I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website So the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com Slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch

Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain Again squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10 off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace All right, Michelle writes so I met this guy from India at work over the internet My boss was using outsourcing and we became friends We started talking online a lot and after a while I admitted that I had a crush on him He started flirting with me a lot more after I left my job I found it hard to talk to him because he reminded me too much of that horrible job

I started to realize that there were so many reasons that getting into a relationship or even dating this guy would be a bad idea One of the main being that our dating cultures were way too different After a while he got engaged and barely started talking to me, which was fine by me But recently they broke it off and he's been flirting a lot with me again and telling me things like he misses me And that he wants to come to America and hold my hand I have I have pretty poor self-esteem and sometimes I am flattered by this I'm also really nice and have a hard time expressing what I am feeling

I'm worried that I've land that have been leading this guy on and that he almost expects a relationship if he comes to the United States How do I express to him that I just want to be friends and that I think he should focus on other girls without hurting him? Thanks, Michelle Is this sweet or sad to you? This is like the dark side of a amazing little romantic comedy, right? It's like so adorable like oh, they've outsourced some of the some of the work So i'm like talking to this guy from india. I don't know. It's it's adorable

It's like this. It's like the exact plot of euro trip, but horrible They met online. It's like a modern day. You've got mail. Oh where they've shipped all of our jobs overseas Thank you with the internet. Yeah Replace tom hanks with uh, michelle obama gladly They're both actors Um, I think first of all, I want to know her job is that it's so horrible She gave him a talk to the guy because it reminds her of her job. That's a pretty awful job. It's very monotonous. She blew a drone actually Over his country actually

She was a security guard in an internment camp. I think don't I think do not I would say let the guy know before the guy moves. I think she Her suspicions may be right that if the guy is saying I like you and hold your hand and i'm coming to america He's he's going to be like yeah, it sounds like you're at least part of the reason The cute rotation started to get a little too real Yeah, but imagine this sweet american girl meeting this sweet indian guy Isn't there something to be said of that? Do they even know if they're like she's not interested to each other? No, they don't know

But I think they're both very shy. Does she know what she what he looks like? He looks like an indian male. Maybe try to Skype with them a little bit So take it a little step further, but not necessarily need them If she's like if she doesn't want this then she shouldn't do it and here's what I would say I think that he since he lived in india and was engaged and you guys are like just saying flirt He was not anymore, but he was I think you could just stop talking to him entirely and he'll Move on. I don't think you need to be like. Hey, I don't want a relationship with you. He's

They've never met and they only had a word crush on each other and he lives in india She can just stop responding to him. Maybe it's like a slumdog millionaire situation In that there's an indian guy involved and the Dave Boyle is going to direct this fucking rom-com I'm serious. If I write it. Yeah, I can imagine this bollywood soundtrack. Oh, you know what? She did actually she mentioned where she worked a small a small e-commerce site called small yo-yo Oh, really? Yeah, I guess somebody we have a great corporate culture. How could that be a miserable job? I mean, we do outsource 90% of our employees. She was the one american One american working with 55. Listen small yo-yo.com is a forward thinking

um infotainment Home-based essentially like let me let me explain how the site works to you. It's a sweatshop It's a goddamn sweatshop. You wake up in the morning and you get the newspaper from a front stoop, right? So like imagine that and the food you eat and the music you listen to and everything in the same portal You're doing too much with small yo-yo It's milk. It's news. It's a cultural hub It's your email and your rail mail

Rail mail Oh, real mail snail mail and email snail mail and email. Why do you have to differentiate? It's all it's small yo-yo It's it's all contained in a small yo-yo So you look at yourself, you know, we all have a yo-yo. What's your yo-yo? Is it small yet? What's your yo-yo it cast your ballad? People always ask me where does the name small you come from and basically I was I was doing this walk about in australia and this uh aboriginal um This aboriginal uh, uh, person think person um

Things no I said person told me a proverb and he said, you know An old ancient fox was playing with a yo-yo How do you know that's what I realized my spirit animal was a yo-yo He told he started telling me this uh proverb that I thought was really boring. So I took out a yo-yo What's your yo-yo? Let us know at what'smyyo-yo.com. That's when the peyote hit me the peyoyo so wait, uh I think that I I maybe i'm misremembering her her email, but it sounds like She just is not interested in him and if that's the starting off point

I don't want to say Skype with him and get to know him and like him So how do I express that? I just want to be friends. The sticks are too high to really give it a shot Yeah, I'll give it a shot. Have them take a 22 hour flight through your city and spend a week and a half with you You know india to anywhere in the world is a 21 hour flight. Yeah, even to china europe australia island america It's all a 22 hour flight. They go around. They just circle for Nothing is convenient. Unfortunately. Yeah, I mean if for no other reason to save the poor guys some, you know $800 in a plane for a round-trip ticket or a one-way ticket. That's a lot of diners diners What is the what is the currency dinards dinards? That's a lot of dinards. I don't think it is dinards

Dinars is just a way to say american rupees. Is that what he said? That could be a thing Yeah, rupees because it that's what he said One million rupees. That's exact. I can't believe that's the reason the way I know it. Who wants to be? One million rupees is less than a penny though. So when you win, it's not that much, right? Oh, yeah So oh, actually I can tell you right now. It is rupees And I so I knew it. I'm culturally learned Uh one million is indeed 16 000 rupees Just a little bit of very very boring information here. How much would an 800 how many rupee?

How many rupees you buy coat hanger? So the question specifically is how do I express to him that I just want to be friends and that I think He should focus on other girls without hurting him. Stop talking to him entirely. That's all you have to do Do you not even offer an explanation? No, it's fine. Just like ignore him. It's like a doofy little flirtation thing They're never a relationship. She could just disappear and it'll be fine That's what I do. I think it's more than that. No sounds like yeah, I mean, well How much did she

I guess I'd be curious what the would to get like a more robust overviewer thing is. Yeah, I gave my answer without knowing anything So how is this right? It's a positive to be wrong. You're gonna answer Pat's question. Suddenly I want to change mine, but I'm already on record Give me that you know, I go back zoom have a marry you have a marry you Uh, no, I kind of hear what I'm you're saying. It sounds like I mean, he certainly thinks wait, are you Like, you know, maybe she cares about the guy. Maybe someone hurt his feelings Yeah, can he just can she simply offer like a fake explanation be like, hey, sorry things are really busy right now I'm moving. Let me get back to you soon. That way he's at least not expecting to respond I think I think you can sort of just be really you don't have to lie. You can just be like

I don't know just say just fucking I think just I guess I'm almost almost saying be harsh You're like, hey, like I don't want to marry you like give him closure at least I guess that's what I think just cutting off entirely might drive him crazy I want to date people like closer to me in a more casual way than have like this meaningful relationship Sure, she could say that but I also don't think she has to I think she's just be like nothing Yeah, I think that it's better for all parties involved. I think it's both healthier safer more mature And I think it's better for golden just like cut, you know, just just just just you know

I'm not saying she has to treat him with kid gloves. I concur with that fine I'm not arguing King pat is right spare my head. Oh wise one. I really do kind of agree with that So either way is fine. So what about if let's say jake says you don't have to email him ever again I say you can offer up a white lie a fake excuse and pat says to tell him the truth That's sort of all answers are right. Yeah, that's the beauty of our advice show We can never be wrong because it's just our opinion. I think there's I think there's a Version is somewhere between your answer and my answer me or is like basically like

You're you don't you can kind of let him you can sort of lie in this sense Just be if you make your facts abstract enough Right, if you mean then they cover all topics Like it's sort of a lie to say like hey, I'm not really looking for uh, you know, big relationship right now Like oh, I can't the truth is like I don't want to talk to you anymore You're done. I'm done with you anything you like finesse enough will be sort of a lot for example. Let's say um A friend wanted to hang out with me or something one night and I didn't I changed my mind I didn't want to go out that night and I could be like, oh, you know, I forgot I have an appointment

And I can't go out well like just chilling with you know eating dinner Alone at the place around the corner for me. You're sitting on my couch watching a movie like On you know with a broad enough Definition of the word appointment that that's an appointment as long as I put in my calendar and make an appointment to do it I'm not lying. That's literally an appointment. Also. Here's what I would say Not talking to him at all vanishing. That's not lying either That's actually the the most honest thing you can do because it's the truth with a hard right in his face You're I don't want to talk to you anymore. That's it. You don't have to say it

You just don't do it and he will either assume the truth. She didn't like me or I'll assume a lie She's really busy. But it's only the truth that she does. She doesn't You don't know she I don't think she said she wants to stop talking to him forever Or doesn't she want to like you don't need a friend that lives in India. She doesn't need a friend I'm not saying she's a friend. I'm not saying she's just talking to him But she doesn't think she doesn't necessarily want to stop talking to him forever. You're right. Maybe no I think it's I'm not saying that maybe that is more. I don't know if it's more honest I guess by default it is

I know you're saying I don't know if it's more honest or more on it Maybe it's a stronger signal and gets across maybe it gets across the purpose of Being straightforward with them just cutting it off. My fear is that I think sometimes guys can sort of uh, They can interpret the silence as I think a love is a powerful, uh, you can If your feelings are strong enough you can convince yourself of anything like well, I guess her internet's broken I better fly over and make sure she's okay That's the scenario you're setting yourself up for if you cut them off My all my arguments are like pretty stupid and perhaps like inserting intelligence to them after I'm done talking

No, I didn't I know you're saying the cutting off is like You know, maybe it's unfair of me. I miss maybe I'm projecting on this guy and I'm assuming that I'm not projecting on him I'm fine. I'm a healthy person, but I'm assuming That this guy is like some creepy obsessive dude because he was like because he was engaged and now he's not like and though, you know that does sound a little suspicious, but He's also to be a totally normal guy who has feelings for this girl and when he cuts her off He'll just be like Her cutting him off could be he'll be sad for two days and he'll just move on with his life

These texts could just be like him trying to get her to send nude pictures. Like I want to hold your hand Oh, yeah, so send him a nude picture. That's Like he knows what he's actually feeling if he's just being flirtatious But you're saying since they should send a nude picture is that what you're saying to me Let's answer one more question But let's stop for a real commercial break the kind that you don't actually have to be a part of pat And then we'll be right back on the other side of those messages Just wanted to say thank you again to the books for sponsoring this episode as well. The books th e

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I actually would appreciate a book A book A book Uh, let's just say real quickly. Thank you again to tax act.com as well for sponsoring this episode. We appreciate that On the other side of um The world on the other side of life is the fact that you have to do taxes, right? There are flowers and there are taxes. So what is tax act? Filing your federal taxes with tax act to.com is easy fast and free with tax act.com

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Uh, so that address again if you do need to do your taxes and you want to do it yourself tax act.com slash you y o you Let's get back to the episode. All right Hey, we're back Quick break. Do you want to talk about anything specific? We have shows coming up in austin and houston? You're not going to be there, but I thought we should mention it. There are still two tickets available January 24th in austin at the north door at the north door And 25th at houston at the come and take a comedy festival. Do you have any trips coming up? No trips coming up, but I I do I could uh, I do have something I could plug. Oh, yeah, let's hear it next month

At the end of the show. All right. Well dick wit small yo-yo.com Is a it's coming to a town. You it's small. You live. We're looking for seed angel foot investment Ask no questions. No. No. Yeah, you can flex something next month college humor live la which is at the ucb The show the show the live show. We're moving to saturdays. Whoa. That's a premiere night, isn't it pack your bags We're moving to saturdays Frazier's move into tuesdays It's not filled what I don't know. Sorry No, we're moving to saturday nights and uh, you should come out to the first show which is on valentine's day

What can be more romantic than me making jokes for an hour straight? No, we're still, you know, it's early obviously so February 14th is a saturday this year It is yeah, and the first college humor live show in la's then that's yeah, this the day lighted on uh, so it should be fun We're gonna you know come on out. I think if you Want to get a little we'll get um, I can't promise we won't get naughty if it's valentine's day I will not be wearing pants finger each other Wow after the show or during whatever the four two It'll work the lineup is still tbd, but we always have a great lineup. You guys have done it and it was awesome

Yeah, uh, we've had pete holmes was on it. The mail was on it all the funny guys in la Yeah, so whoever we get it's gonna be great and you should come out cool saturday night valentine's day Do it be there and be square Nice Be there be square space Anything else we need to talk about let's get to the last question because I don't want to run out of time Right these these guest episodes always go a little long because we have so much fun Actually, I am gonna cut it off. This is

Instant tone Bars and tone for some reason That's that's like a fake thing in movies where a guy hangs up and it goes instantly to dial tone. That doesn't happen Yeah, you're right. That does not happen Uh, okay, we need one last guy's name Oh, uh last name. No, no one last guys. Uh Oh my god Oh, you know what? It's a female

It is a female Sarah, okay, sarah Last name schneider. What do you think? palin schneider palin Sarah palin writes i'm a female in my first year of university and I recently got my marks back for the fall semester Everything was looking a okay. I failed two courses, but that's neither here nor there I was getting all season bs

But when I looked at the results for my children's literature course something seemed off all my assignments had been high C's low bs as marks But for some reason my final mark was 94 At first I was really confused by it, but then I thought maybe participation marks bumped me up It was only until today that I looked back at the scores and realized the university had made a horrible mistake When I originally glanced over the marks one of the assignments That was out of 10. I assumed I got a six on it was only until further inspection that I realized They didn't put it into the computer as a six out of 10, but instead a 60 out of 10 That caused me to receive 54 extra marks to my total grade. So instead of getting a c plus

I'm out of powerhouse a I'm totally spooked by this because if the school finds out they might blame me Would they if I if I don't tell them and they find out could I say I didn't realize would they even believe that If they don't figure it out. I'm gonna feel like a horrible person for abusing their mistake But at the same time it's hard to let go of the happiness. I felt getting my first a in a university What would you guys do in this situation? Please? I'm gonna rip my eyeballs out. Hope your moms are doing well Love sarah First of all, she did a decent job with the math figuring out why she got the good grade. Yeah, so she's not dumb

She's just not applying herself. Yeah If this question didn't make sense Change the word mark to grade and then replay it in your head. Is she british or something or australian? Probably I'll got 30 lose in my 18th try quarter I like she's like my grades were fine. I failed two classes and got c's but actually I was pretty excited and punked when I got My first a I don't want I deserve it. Yeah, you shouldn't be happy. You didn't earn that a you can keep it I don't think you should get rid of it If the school finds out and they think and they blame her you could hide behind the

The idea that you're too stupid to actually mess with your grade or you were too stupid to notice I don't know how to do things. I got three f's a c and a b You're not you won't I mean regardless of what you should or should I do? I I don't think you're liable at all if they if they discover it I don't even know if they could change the grade after a certain point. You could definitely say that you didn't notice Yeah, what if the dean is listening to this podcast though? Even if you say you did notice it after the grade was official I don't I just don't think you're liable like I noticed that I was surprised But I couldn't really figure it out. So I figure it was a participation thing exactly what she's talking about

She shouldn't have delved any deeper than really figured out. Yeah ignorance is bliss. She's got an a don't look into it She was so confused. She had to know what is the statute of limitations on cheating like if I cheated I'm telling you right now for a fact. This is for real in ninth grade the teacher used a for the history class the teacher used a A textbook to get all of her multiple choice exams. She just zeroxed the teacher's textbook So my friend bought a textbook online and we knew every test before it came out And we cheated by memorizing

That's a great question if I went back to my high school and was like by the way I cheated on every exam in ninth grade Will they take my diploma away? This podcast just made it so they took away your Berkeley diploma. Oh, no, I'm talking about high school. Even though I know Oh, it trickles down because I would know without that grade You can't have a job anymore. That's you're not a graduate. I'm not a comedian either I mean, I thought of the college like they're called if it's especially if it's a private college Like you can't like can you like stop them from saying like we take away? We're we do not Consider your degree valid anymore. Like yeah, what does the matter if they don't consider it news now?

I don't it doesn't it only matter only matters as much as like, you know Only matters as much as it matters to the job you're trying to get like, you know Like I think you're a doctor it kind of matters because like you're probably not gonna get a job at a hospital If like if like if your employer calls johns hopkins and like yeah, he's bullshit right, but like, you know When I try to get a job at like, you know crackle And they're like well your liberal arts degree is fault fraudulent fraudulent sir. We thought Us at small yo-yo don't employ matters like you so I don't know and for High school might be a different thing though because it is especially going to a public school

Um, which probably didn't silver spoon, but I went to silver spoon I don't understand. I definitely I don't understand like if you I don't think you get in trouble now I feel like schools get in trouble when there Are students cheating and stuff. Yeah, it seems like once you graduate you can look back and say anything It's like, oh this school is messed up Like didn't that just happen to UNC recently where like there was a big cheating epidemic there and it wasn't necessarily like these kids all Yeah, that happens in like ncda athletics. It's like, oh these that last generation really fucked things up for the current crop Because now like oh, hi, oh state's not bowl eligible because they paid

Somebody in 2004 it seemed like this is probably like you got mostly bad grades and 1a in a class that sounds like it doesn't really matter Children's lit. So yeah It's not writing it. It's reading it. Children's lit anyway. You really should have I really just read children's kids books. I'm not talking down to you because I remember in in college I like was I was so dumb that like but I had to take a math class Uh, but since I didn't declare a major one of the math math classes I was allowed to take was math for elementary school teachers. So it was essentially us like learning

Long division and multiplication and I got a d So the class math for elementary school teachers might as well have been called math for elementary school students Yeah, well, I mean, it wasn't like so complete. It wasn't like we relearn the time stables, but there was like Long division in the class I mean, I didn't go to enough of it to really understand what the class was. That's why I got a d Amir you're one you you are very good at math. You're probably one of the best people at math of friends. I have thanks That is actually our time. Thanks so much 12 can you do 12 times nine?

Uh, that doesn't mean you're good at math though. Why that just means you memorize the times table one train leaves Barthelona Traveling 95 kilometers an hour. I'm gonna pause it right now. We're all gonna take a practice sat Okay, we're back. Uh, we all failed I'll go to 480. Um, I just think that I mean I think legally I can't imagine you're at all responsible morally. I don't even know like, you know, you I don't know You know No, you don't

I would well, what would you do if you were you if I were you if I were you for example If I were you I wouldn't do anything I would take it that is a bank error in your favor collect $200 Enjoy it and then try to get don't don't don't act like you got a real a you don't actually be happy and proud of it Don't hang it up on the So I don't know if you guys saw it, but I got into my first a Uh, it was a huge huge mistake, but uh, I'm happy about it. Yeah, let it quietly bring your gpa out But don't don't don't celebrate. That's what I would do. Yeah, I think I agree

I can't I think if I were you I probably wouldn't and I wouldn't say anything And nobody's getting hurt like you're not actually hurting anyone unless the Class is based on a curve and even then I say it's probably fine. It's not like you're you stole someone's money It's just a mark She it's just a mock just a simple mark my marks were all top Except for all of them She did ace children's lit. I got a g squared Which is the highest mark you can get

England G a g I got a g in maths a p-minus in english lit an o positive in my blood type, which of course we just call lit We call normal lit. I'm normal literature Uh, all right, that's it. That's our time. Thanks for coming. You already plugged what you wanted to plug I did. I appreciate it. Uh, if you have your own questions out there and you wanted to help uh our our advice Uh email is if I were you show at gmail.com. We're also still accepting theme song submissions every episode Is uh, it begins and ends with a theme song written by our talented fans

The first one was from that guy named seesaw and this last one is written by somebody named kyle kirkman nethers So thanks kyle. Thanks seesaw. Thanks pat. Thank you for having me guys. Uh, and we'll be back on monday later It's time to lend a helping hand J and a will keep you from drowning podcasting wherever they may be Love is love sex is sex. You should expect good advice john wolf and sheeps clothing most of all the season cheese Email into if I were you Show if I were you show

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