If I Were You - 130: Sexual Training

Episode Date: January 26, 2015

In this episode we discuss leaving people, teaching people, and hugging people.This episode is brought to you by BlueApron.com, Berries.com, and TaxAct.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, I'd be a loser, too, okay, that's just too, but if I'm being honest, then it's true, true, true, if I were you. Alex McGuire. Thank you. Alex McGuire, thoughts? I like that, that was really cute. He's actually already done theme songs for us before. Really? Yeah, episodes 13 and 55.

Oh, wow. And now episode 130. I don't know where he's been. What? But I feel like I've entitled him more than three theme songs from him. You asshole. It's good, it's kind of like The Wonders. Yeah, The Own Eaters.

From that thing you do, a fictional band. Which they still had to just create a band. Right. You know that guy that's like Stacey's? Yeah, yeah, Fountains of Wayne. He's the guy that wrote those songs in The Wonders. Oh, really? Yeah.

Oh, that's good. Which makes sense because if you listen to other Fountains of Wayne songs, they're so catchy. And you kind of sound like this guy to me. I feel like I'm interviewing someone on their deathbed. Your eyes are closed. You're faint. You're under a blanket. You're just talking wistfully about a band.

I have to sit here. I'm hanging out with a dying grandfather. Yeah, I definitely feel like death. And I wonder if I'm even making sense. I'm not sure how loud I'm being. Is my voice faint? It's faint, but you're so close to the mic that it's good. It's picking up.

I feel like the last two days, everybody I've talked to, they don't hear anything I say. Because your ears are also clogged so you can't hear yourself very well. That's true. I actually have a good like NPR voice going on. It's just very smooth and soft, but very clear at the same time. That's nice. Yeah. That's nice.

That's the number one thing said on deathbeds. Wasn't that nice? I just want to touch your wrinkly hands, your pale wrinkly hands. Tell me not to be afraid. People should know that the last podcast we recorded was yesterday in real time. So this isn't you being sick for four days. This is the day after we recorded the last podcast. Right, I'm just sick.

It's two days in a row. That means you're not going to come out until Monday or something. Yeah, exactly. So don't worry. If it's Monday in real life, I'm probably fine. Or dead. Those are the two options. In terms of recording, we recorded yesterday I was sick.

We're recording the day after. Oh, God, I'm sick. Oh, no. I don't feel good. Do you feel better or worse today than you did yesterday? I feel better today for sure. You slept a lot. I slept for 14 hours.

You fell asleep when? I went to bed at 8 p.m. Yeah, probably around between 8 and 8.15. Yeah. And then I woke up at around 10 a.m. Yeah. You both went to sleep early and slept in. Yeah.

You had two nights of sleep in one. It was crazy. Like if you slept from 8 to 4, that would have been a night. And then 4 to 10 is another night. So much happened. My dreams were absurd. Just fever dreams. Oh, God.

I don't even remember the night. Because you took the night will? Yeah. It knocked you out. It knocked me out so bad. But I was like thrashing, tossing and turning. Oh, really? Well, I would do these things where I would like thrash violently to one side and then

sleep like a rock for three hours. So I'd wake up and go, oh, oh, oh. I'd thrash around and then fall asleep like a stone, like a dead body for two and a half hours there. You just vacillated between a crazy, frenetic, insane person and a sack of potatoes, an idle sack of potatoes. Exactly what it was. And then so like every four hours you'd wake up in a sweat.

Wake up sweating, go into the bathroom, pee, then I'd start freezing and I would be like, I have the flu. I'm going to die. And then I would get back into bed and be like, I'll never fall back asleep. And then all the next thing I knew was four hours later and I was like waking up in the corner of my bed. So you got one more of those nights in you, hopefully? Hopefully.

And then I should be good. But I really like as sick as I am right now, I feel like I'm operating at 50%. And yesterday I was maybe a five or a 10. Did you party tonight? If you had to party? I don't, I don't think so. You would stay in a hotel room? If we were like, if we were in Austin, if we were in Austin and I, I would stay in tonight.

Oh my gosh. Yeah. Tomorrow is very important for me. You know that, right? You want to rage? Yeah. Like I need you there. Dude, and I will be there if you let me sleep tonight.

I'm not going to let you sleep tonight though. Oh, fuck, man. Yeah. I'm going to ruin tonight for you, just so you can really struggle tomorrow. I should have a little nip a whiskey. Yeah. Have you had like hot toddies while you were sick? Ever?

No, no, no. Like last night or tonight. You can have one. No, no, no. I haven't had alcohol in a week. Oh yeah. You can have a hot whiskey. I don't think I should.

But doesn't that, don't they say that? Like the old prospectors like, oh yeah, a little nip a whiskey ought to kill what's in your system. Oh, yeah. I don't think any old prospectors knew much about health. That's why they wore the same pajamas so often that their hair sort of became intertwined with the fabric. You saw what they looked like.

Did they look like the pinnacle of well-being to you? Also, they didn't necessarily think too highly about brushing your teeth. They said that was an old wives tale. They just liked finding gold. That was also their idea of a job. That would be amazing. I don't want to work for a living. I'll just look for gold.

Well, I earn money when I can just find gold. Find money. Maybe you should have a trade and have people pay you to do stuff like if you're sharing your skill or maybe- No, no, I'll just find the money. If I search in a river, I'll find the money eventually. And so many people were right. That's what it was. It was sort of like nature, positively reinforcing bad behavior.

Because one guy's like, I'll just look in the river and they're like, all right, Charlie, you go look in the river. I found gold. What? There's actually freaking gold there? That fucking works. He's in California now and he's finding gold. Now, I want to do it too.

Let's all rush there. Let's all rush to the gold. Speaking of gold, what is this podcast? It's gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold, gold. If I Were You is the name of it. It's an advice podcast. The only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us, I'm Amir. I'm Jake.

And you're dead. I'm dead. How does it work? People email us. If I Were You show at gmail.com and they're in Binds, they're in Amanda Binds. And they try to do their- I liked that. Yeah, they're in Amanda Binds and we try to sort of help them out of their situations. They're Amanda Binds.

Yeah, so I'll read some emails and then we'll discuss. Cool. We're going to have some fake names for us because these are real emails from real people but we're going to give them pseudonyms of sorts to preserve their anonymity. Okay. Let me give you a gender. Let's do- Yeah, we'll do-

Okay. Okay. Oh, bring me closer to the light, dear. Be a good dear. Okay, here we go. We need a lady. Lori Beth Denberg. What the fuck was that?

Amanda Binds. We're doing all that. Oh, my gosh. Lori Beth Denberg writes, And he's starting to do it again. I'm torn because I don't know whether I actually want to be with him and I'm scared off by these little things because I'm cautious or whether I'm just holding on to what is comfortable because I'm afraid I can't find anything or anyone better.

Please help me because my friends don't know what's going on. We're keeping this a secret until it's legit. Just thought I should also mention that when I'm not with him, I miss him and I just feel absolutely shitty. I hate the thought of him with anyone else and after all that time I was still not even close to being over him, which makes me think how much he really means to me. You guys are awesome and seriously got me through a breakup. Hopefully you can take charge of my love life.

Ha ha. Thanks. Love. Lori Beth Denberg. Lori Beth. Hmm. What are your initial thoughts to that? That he doesn't sound smart what she's doing.

The fact that her friends don't know. I'm keeping it a secret. Anytime you're trying to keep your relationship under wraps because your big fear is that your friends will hate you for it. Also the idea of saying like, I don't know if I'm just sticking with him because I don't think there's anything better. There's definitely somebody. You can definitely do better if the person you're with does a lot of shitty little things

that hurt you. Yeah. That's not a some little shitty things that hurt you. This guy does a lot of shitty little things that hurt you, but I'm not sure I could find anybody better. I think you can. So you think the best you can find is somebody that hurts you. Someone that you're so afraid to tell your friends of that you've been keeping it under

wraps. Someone that you've already broken up with because it hasn't worked out before. Yeah. And she's 21 and she's afraid like, I've already met all the people I can meet. Right. No, you're 21. That means it basically starts in two years. Yeah.

So far this is a preseason. Yeah. It's not real humans. Nothing counts. This is international waters. You could be boxing a kangaroo and nobody would arrest you until you're 23 years old. Yeah. So definitely, definitely, definitely don't be friends with him.

If especially like it's already bad before you guys are even back together. Yeah. You know what line I think is very illuminating is, I hate the thought of him with anyone else. Yeah. So I feel like that's the real reason that she's together. Yeah. You are, you're not over, I think that you're saying I'm not over him is like I still care

about him. Yeah. It sounds like you're just not over the fact that he's going to date other people. This is also probably her first breakup, it is her first breakup, 21 and I broke up with my first boyfriend of two years around eight months ago. Right. He's going to be with other people and that's good. You still have to start thinking of that as a positive because when he starts dating

other people, that means you guys are actually over, over. It's not over until someone starts dating somebody else. You have to start dating other people. Yeah. And you're going to find someone that doesn't do a lot of shitty little things. Right. So why would you be upset that your ex-boyfriend was dating other people? Because she wants to be with, she's like we were together for two years, that's 10% of

my life. You shouldn't be with other people. We shouldn't be together. You should be in a glass case. A frozen of sorts. Yes. A cryogenic chamber. I'd prefer if you only existed when we were together.

And no, and no time else. That's fine. Here's an interesting theory. Do you think your friends, you know how like sometimes you're in a bad relationship and you don't know it but your friends do? Yes. Do you think your friends know more than you do about your relationship? Like should you put more weight in what your friends think?

Like you can only get married to someone if nine of your 10 friends approve and like if all your friends don't like a girl, doesn't seem like that's a good sign. I feel like you shouldn't be able to get married. That's true. I feel like you need to have 90% approval rating from your friends in order to get married. I guess I definitely agree with a little bit what you're saying. Because you... Eight out of 10?

See, this is what I don't agree with, that you try to quantify everything. What sort of majority are you looking for? 51%? To me it would be important that my friends and family like me. Two thirds. Got it. Six out of five. I'd rather have them all give the thumbs up or the thumbs down.

Well, it would be a double blind poll. It wouldn't be a thumbs up, thumbs down, because then people would be influenced by other people's decisions. I'm talking about a blind casting of a ballot. If your friends like or dislike your mates. I really would like it to be an eight out or nine out of 10. You want there to be a poll involved. And not just the 10 people you choose, I want you to choose 100 and then statistically

randomize 10 of those 100 people and then nine out of 10 have to approve of this girl. I guess if she's hiding the facts from her friends then she must know that her friends don't like him. Yeah. How often is it where all your friends don't like your other and you're right and all your friends are wrong? Yeah. It's never that.

Right. All your friends are wrong? No. You're wrong. Yes. That's the slogan. All your friends are wrong? No.

You're wrong. Welcome to the dystopian future in which nine out of 10 people have to agree for people to get married. It's kind of like the witness thing. You know, like you have to have witnesses at your wedding. I feel like that's the beginnings of that law. It's like, oh, if you can't, if you can't have two people present who thinks this is a good idea, then it's not.

That's what that is. Yeah. That's true. So, like for example, I had a girlfriend where all my friends secretly resented her. Who? No, I'm just joking. I want to know, no, I've had, I've had ladies that my friends enjoy. Right.

Have you ever had a girl that your friends like missed when you broke up? Um, like, oh no, don't break up. I don't, I still want to hang out with her more than you. I don't think so. Or did you hang out with your ex-girlfriend's friends after you broke up? No. Every time I get out of a relationship, it's pretty alien. The entire world is gone.

Yeah. They really shut themselves off to me and I to them. People don't realize that. When I break up with you, I'm breaking up with all of your family and friends. I won't see your parents ever again. That's the hardest thing. It's the equivalent of me dying. Yeah.

Yeah. And I, I feel like that it's more, I guess, every time I've ever broken up with somebody, my friends are excited not because they didn't like that person, but they're like excited that I'm going to be single and going out with them again. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're all like, or they're trying to like, you know, be positive for you. Yeah, breaking up is always a positive thing.

You know, it was a weird feeling, I bet. One of your ex-girlfriend meeting another one of your ex-girlfriend's parents. Oh, yeah. So think about like one of your girlfriends meeting a girlfriend's parents. That's like, it's like two things that you're very familiar with, but like have never been in the same room or like know about their existence. Yeah, that's really strange. It's kind of crazy.

It's like a light form of the bar mitzvah where you were seventh grade friends, hang out with your sixth grade friends, and then they're not necessarily friends. Yeah. Or like even your parents meeting somebody else's parents. Yeah. Oh, the parents meeting. I don't think our parents have ever met, have they? Oh, that's interesting.

Like I'm so familiar with your parents and you're so familiar with my parents. Yeah, our parents have never met each other. But like, can you imagine my mom talking to your dad? No, that's cool. I feel like they'd get along. Yeah, they'd get along. Wait a minute. That's actually a really good power couple.

Your mom, your dad, my mom. Yeah. My dad doesn't deserve my mother for years and years and years. Yeah. Actually, my dad deserves your mother. That's the craziest. I really think a wife swap would benefit every single person. Yeah, my mom's out of my dad's league, but she is not out of your dad's league.

I had a friend whose dad or a friend's mom start dating another friend's dad and then they ended up getting married. A friend's mom. Oh, that's, yeah. I know people like that too, and then like two friends become steps. Yeah, yeah, exactly right. I want that. I would love it.

What if me and you were stepbrothers? Just like that movie, Me, You, and Irene. What? All right, so the advice to this girl is don't worry, you'll find someone better. If you find someone who does shitty little things to you a lot, it's not good. And get over having your boyfriend be with somebody else. Like him being with someone else is him being far away from you, and that's good because you need him to be far away from you so you can move on.

It's sort of a classic first breakup email. You don't really understand what breakups are when you've only had one, but this is you finding out. And then when you find out the next time and the next time and the next time and then you're like, Jesus Christ, I can't keep anyone. What is it? Me? Is it me?

And obviously after five or six times, it probably is you. All right, let's go to the next question. That was eye-opening. That was just me staring into a mirror. It's fucking you. It's me. Or you, I mean. It's us.

All right. Oh, this is kind of a very different question. We need a dude's name. Kenan Thompson. Mmm, very good. He's been in, was he in all that for like, how long? Five years? Yeah, he was in all that for a long time.

Then he was in... He's still on SNL. Then he was in... Like his entire life is sketch comedy. It's pretty cool. No wonder he's so fucking comfortable in front of the camera. We should have him on the show. It's not a bad idea.

Streeter, if you're listening, can you ask Kenan for us, please? All right, Kenan Thompson writes. So me and four-fifths of my best friends have been in a friendship group for as long as I can remember. The problem is it's become a bit of a habit for us all to exchange a hug when we first meet, and then part away. Although I love them all very dearly, I don't know if I'm comfortable hugging all the time, as I think a quick handlock is cooler and less effort.

I've tried extending the arm out early to show them that I'd prefer a handshake, but pushing it out of the way and going for the grand embrace appears to be a greater sign of friendship to them, making me look like a real dweeb and unfriendly. Is it weird for me to bring this up? Should I just learn how to hug my friends and everyone I meet? How often do you guys hug each other and other close friends of yours? Thanks. Love, Kenan.

Hmm. How often do you hug me? Not enough. What are your thoughts on hugging in general? I like to hug. Yeah, I'm pro. I don't think I overthink it either way, though. Sometimes it's nice to hug, and sometimes it's really nice to do a firm handshake as

well. You know what I like? This is what you should really do, I think. You make sort of a secret handshake. You know how sometimes you do the forearm grab? Yeah, so instead of shaking your hands, I would shake Amir's forearm and then you in turn shake my... I think they need like 300 or something.

Yeah. That movie owned. Yeah, that was fucking sick. Do you remember the part? And their brotherhood's pretty friggin' tight for a fictional one. So yeah, maybe that's what I would do. Secret handshake is a good solution. What you should not do is say that he doesn't like hugging, because I feel like that would

result in a lot of hugging. Yeah. Yeah, once you're outed as the guy that doesn't like hugging, they're just gonna hug this shit out of you. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they're gonna have like a racist to see who can hug you the longest, the strongest. And don't even tell one of them, because then they'll tell the other one, then they'll start fucking with you.

He's worried that how much are they hugging this group of like five dudes? How much of your friends would have to... How much of... Would all of your friends be into hugging for you to bring it up, be like, this is getting really weird. Yeah. I feel like he just... He's just so vehemently against hugging.

Yeah. He thinks a handshake is cooler. And what did he say? Let me read that line again. I thought it was very funny. I think a quick handlock is cooler and less effort. Yeah. Yeah.

I think that's what you don't like, is all the effort about it. You should write your friends a letter and say that. Thank you guys. Notice we've been hugging more and more, but I do think a quick handlock is cooler, less effort. I think ideally we should put in the least amount of effort possible towards our greetings and what's it called when you leave someone? The opposite of a greeting.

Greetings and goings. So yes, don't bring it up. Do not bring it up. Is it weird of me to bring it up? You ask. Yes. Should I learn how to hug my friends and everyone I meet? Yeah, I would say so.

Do you guys hug each other and other close friends? I would say I hug my friends that I haven't seen for a while. Every time I see them. Yeah. Like if Jesse came over right now, I would probably hug him. You would hug him and I think I would hug him. I think so. I think I would like to think we would hug him.

And then we would hug each other in front of him. My whole family, like before we leave a room, say I love you. So I feel like everybody just has different ways of saying it. Different levels of comfort with intimacy. That is a thing to love you by, like my family has never said love you. Yeah. And I say I love you to my mom maybe like eight or nine times before we get off the phone. So I don't know, I think you could probably just get over it and do like a light hug.

Yeah. I'll say get over it. And Jake says secret handshake. I think those are two very viable options if you don't want to get over it. You don't have to do full embrace. Like if they hug you, you could just put one arm up and pat them on the back. Oh, that's nice. Like you just aren't quite as huggable.

You're talking to me or him? Yeah. You're very huggable. All right, let's go on to question the third. Okay. This one's a good one. Girl. Amanda Bynes herself.

Amanda Bynes writes, Hey guys, I've been seeing this guy for a while now. He's really cute, funny and has lots of the same interests as me. Lately, things have been getting pretty steamy and one night in my apartment, he told me that he has a foot fetish and he asked if he would be down to try it out in bed. I said, yes, of course. I've never been with a guy with a fetish before and thought it would be a cool experience. Little did I know, I have super ticklish feet. Any time he tried to touch my feet or do anything, I started to laugh until there were tears

coming out of my eyes and I kicked my legs spastically. We tried this on several different occasions and I just couldn't not laugh no matter how hard I tried. A few nights ago, we were in the bedroom and he went straight for the feet. I went into my routine of biting my lip super hard, trying not to focus on how ticklish my feet were but I couldn't help it. I let out a huge laugh. Before I knew it, he grabbed my foot super hard, yanked it and went, what the fuck is

your problem? I got really scared and it hurt pretty bad so I just got up and left. He's been texting me apologizing for the last few days saying we don't have to do feet stuff anymore but I'm so freaked out. Is this my fault? Should I go back to him or just leave him forever and try to forget how mortifying that was? Thanks.

Leave him forever. Absolutely. For sure. Oh my God. He physically hurt you. I think he has to go to jail for that. We're not even talking about leaving him. We're talking about coming back to him with a police officer.

Of course you do not go and give him another chance. Anybody who has that in him is kind of scary. Now you know if he ever gets mad or to a breaking point, he can physically snap. He's emotionally able to just pop. This is pretty early on in the relationship where he's getting this heated over a fetish and you're giggling. So imagine things going a ride down the road, all the things that happen if you really stay with somebody.

When something isn't a cute scene out of a romantic comedy, you giggling while he tickles your feet, just grabbing your ankle saying, what the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah. Anybody that can inflict pain on you and doesn't quite, it seems like he went crazy for a second. He lost control of his own body. Well, I can understand snapping and yelling, but yanking her foot, you're never allowed to do that. You can't do that.

So what should she say? What's a nice way of letting him down? What you did scared me and I don't think I could ever be fully comfortable with you again. I don't know enough about domestic abuse to give real advice on how to get out of that situation, but I think my gut is like, I wouldn't blame you leaving on that one situation because then I think that gives him too much power to apologize and say how it will never happen again. You almost have to say, I'm not interested in a relationship, not because of that, but

just in general, because that way, if somebody says, hey, I don't want to be with you because you yelled at me that one time, then you would say, I'll never yell at you again. I'm so sorry. Problem solved. And then you're like, okay, well, I guess that's the only thing. So I'll give you another chance. What if I'm like, I don't want to be with you because I don't feel like being with you? It's not because of that one moment.

It was because it's more so I don't want to be with you because now I know you're capable of grabbing me and yelling at me. Right, but I just wouldn't give him any kernel that he can latch onto and apologize for. I would just say, I don't want to be with you. And that's it. And that's all she has to say. She doesn't have to say why. She doesn't owe him an explanation.

Of course not. I mean, it's great. It's more than he deserves that she's even answering his texts. Right. You were very thoughtful to have placated him enough to have him rub, kiss, do whatever your feet. I think just let him know that it's not going to happen under no, no ambiguous circumstances. Circumstances.

You just say, this is not going to happen. You can stop trying and you don't have to tell him why you don't have to honestly, if you want to write in text Jake, give me his address. I'll beat the shit out of him. Oh my God. I'm serious. I really will hurt him. I'll go there with my brother and put a fright on him.

Just you doing nothing. Micah's doing everything. Me and my brother will go down there. Get him, Micah. Get him, dude. Hey, dude, me and my brother are here. Micah, you got him. Yeah, Micah, grab his feet.

Grab his feet and pull his legs apart. Good job, Micah. I just, I don't want to get too close. He looks kind of riled up and strong. I'm kind of sick right now, so I'm not interested in sort of a little ill, otherwise I'd be getting in there with him. Micah, specific questions were, is this my fault? No.

Should I go back to him or just leave him forever? Leave him forever. Leave him forever. That's an easy one. That's it. That was the full extent of the question. Because it seems like for her it might be like a harmless thing. Like, oh, I was giggling and then he got kind of mad.

But it's scary that he snapped. Yeah. And then he grabbed your foot really hard. Right. He inflicted physical harm upon you. During a sexual thing, which kind of makes it even creepier. Yeah, never again. Let's say a one strike in your out policy to this dude.

It's fair. Sure. All right. Let's stop for a small commercial break. Is that what we call them here? I guess. Let's stop for a second to thank another sponsor or two. And then we'll be back on the other side of that message.

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Thank you, Squarespace. I love that. What? Budweiser. They really were Bud. They were Buds. Hey, Budweiser. Remember the Budweiser frogs?

Budweiser. What else should we talk about? What other commercials were good? Super Bowl is coming up six days away from when people are listening. I think in the world on Monday, people are still talking about deflate gate. I think now that people are listening, there was a reasonable logical explanation. Oh, as to why 11 of the 12 balls were deflated and none of the other balls were. I like your theory of a rogue ball boy just like figuring he'd help out TB in the clutch.

Tom, you feel that little deflated, right? That was me. I can't know about that. Do you have an opinion on that? Or are you just sick of hearing about it? My only real, it sounds shady. I guess like. We're talking about how 11 of the 12 balls the Patriots used were deflated to an illegal capacity so that Tom Brady can throw them easier.

And then the coach and Tom Brady said, we all don't know why that happened. The more I hear about it, the more I feel like, I mean, to me, Bill Belichick kind of checks out. Like, I don't picture him like handling the game balls. Right. He said he has no idea. Who literally chooses them. His story is a little thinner. Because one thing he said was that I inspect the balls.

By my specification, the balls are perfect and I choose the balls and that's how I expect them to be out on the field. That's what he said. And then 11 of the 12 balls were underinflated. So the one takeaway from Brady's press conference was that he's in charge of the balls. And the balls were bad. And then the upshot of all of it was that the balls were underinflated. So I feel like if you remove the one thing he said, which was, I don't know how or why, but you do have the facts. I choose the balls and these balls were underinflated.

So I feel like he had something to do with it. The second half, they still outscored the Colts. It's true. 28, whatever. 28-0 versus 17-0. 17-7. 17-7 in the first half. So while he did some shady stuff, he still would have won anyway.

Yeah. It is a weird controversy. You never hear about ball deflating in any other sport or in football, really. This is the first of its kind. So we'll see what happens. Stay tuned here in case you don't follow any news sources. We're going to be following Deflate Gate. Yeah, this is like a section of our podcast for nobody.

Because if they like sports, then we're not smart enough to be talking about it. If they don't like sports. This means nothing. But I will say that I will, I think I will formally choose the Patriots. Oh. To win the Super Bowl. Oh, because of this? I want them to win.

You want them to overcome Deflate Gate adversity. I really do. All right, then I'll choose the Seattle Seahawks. All right. Same stakes? Well, we'll talk about the stakes and we'll get back to people. I think there'll be another episode before the Super Bowl. All right.

Yeah, that's it. These shows that we keep promoting are over by the time this releases. So hopefully we had fun in Austin and Houston. Do you have anything to say? Do you want to get to the last question? Well, let's just get to the last question before I die. Before he takes me home. Oh, this is good.

Another girl. Do you even know another girl in all that? I can picture them, but I can't remember their face. It's okay. You can describe their picture. The girl with the lemonade stand. Yeah. The girl with the lemonade stand writes,

So this guy and I have been banging for a couple months now on and off. It started out as a drunken hookup, but now we're starting to have less drunk sex and it just keeps getting better and better. The only thing is that this guy is pretty inexperienced. He's never had a girlfriend or even hooked up with anyone sober. I don't think. And so although he's getting better, he's still not as great as I think it should be.

We're both in our early 20s and I've had a few relationships now. So unfortunately I know what I'm missing out on. Like, isn't it just basic to go down on a girl? He says he's never done it. He did it one time on me and I thought, how bad can it be? It was so bad. It was like he was choking down there. I mean, other things have been bomb,

but then he says things after about how he fucked me so good, but it's really only mediocre to me. Help, this guy is sweet and I can tell he really likes me, but I don't know how to get him to be more sexually educated and experienced. Should I just guide him gently? Should I tell him to talk to other guy friends about it? How do I train this dude to reach his full sexual potential? Thanks.

Love, girl with the lemonade stand. I love it. This dude is like, I fucked you so good. And then she's like, yeah. That was, I don't know, a five out of ten, I guess. It was so fucking ridiculous for us. I think we both had an amazing night. We both orgasmed a lot.

That was the best part. That was the best sex you ever had. She don't want no mediocre. She don't want no mediocre. Only bad, momositas. Are you pro or against? Are you pro or con? A girl explaining how to have sex with her better.

Dude, you're right. I'm a goddamn Casanova. That being said, I do not respond well to constructive criticism. I will blubber, cry, curse, and say what the fuck is wrong with you. Yeah, you'll get defensive, angry, scared, jealous, mad. Who else fucks you good? If you know how to do it, why don't you ask him, the guy that taught you that, you like that. No, I think that's great.

I respond positively to, not that I get a lot, you know what I'm saying, ladies, not that I get a lot of feedback in there again. Your nose is so red. There are white growths in the back air throat. Yeah, I think there's just a right way and a wrong way. So what's the right, nice way? To just have open discussion and be like, hey, even like what she said in that email, like some stuff is bomb, like hey, I like having sex with you.

A lot of times it's really awesome, but I want you to go down on me more, or whatever. I think you can say that stuff like in the moment like faster, harder, deeper. So wait till it's happening and then guide him like a coach on the sidelines. Unless it's like really bad and that she's got a straight up be like, I mean, he knows he's inexperienced. He knows that he went down on somebody for the first time with you. So give him some feedback. Give him some real feedback.

It might be a tough conversation to have and he might be a little defensive at first, but I think ultimately it's going to lead to better sex for both of you. Yeah, it seems like the advice here is the same when you give constructive criticism to anything. Like if you're reading someone's script, you're not like, so this is what was wrong with it. You're like, oh, this was great. I really love this and this and this in order to, but can I suggest to do this, this, this to make it even better? Exactly. Stay in line with notes.

Like sometimes you have specific notes and then sometimes you have general ones. Like this character like is really funny. Like I like when you do this, but like I want you to explore it more. Yeah, yeah. So it's like, yeah, it's like, this is a good rough draft, but like I really think that when you get to like the polished final version, you should make this, this and this happen. Give him some creative control. Say like, I like when you tease me, but you don't necessarily say how to tease you, you know, like let him interpret some of these notes.

Yeah. I'm getting aroused just thinking about this. Yeah, I can see that. Yeah. I'm under the covers here. Just squeezing it. Actually, I'm peeing. Are you?

I'm completely incontinent. Speaking of continents. No, I didn't want to get into this because I don't remember what the fuck the deal was. Completely incontinent. Do you still masturbate when you're sick? Or does it actually, does it take a dive? Yeah, I haven't masturbated since I've been sick. So you just sort of let your body focus on getting healthier.

Yeah, I have this weird theory that my like semen inside me is like, it's helping me heal. Oh. It's just like my masculine man juice. Yeah. That's like rebuilding. And since it's not like being expelled out into the world, they're like, all right, well, what else can we do with this body? Let's rebuild him. Let's use the sperm.

We can make him stronger. Yeah, as if we have the technology. The sperms are like little soldiers sort of fighting. You think sperms are like white blood cells that are fighting the disease? I just feel like I want to have all the positive stuff in my body. Juice is flowing. Yeah, so I want the sperm in me. Yeah, it's like when you're driving past something that smells, you change the air conditioning to like the cycle within the car.

You don't want any of the outside forces getting in. Exactly. That's exactly what it is. This is you explaining to a girl how to go down on you. It rarely happens the other way around, like a guy has to explain to a girl. Because with a guy, it's kind of idiot proof. Yeah, that's true. You have the stick.

And then if you're just good to the stick, you'll ejaculate. Yes. And with a girl, it's like we have a very somewhat complicated machine. Right. And it's a little bit different for every girl. Right. They've got different parts for everything. Everybody is very unique.

But the guys were a lot less unique. They could just rub this for long and long enough and it will come. Yeah, even if it's bad, we appreciate it so much. I wouldn't say it's not so black and white. Like there are some, there are sometimes where, where, oh my God. What's happening? I lost my train of thought. You just fainted.

I just think that like. I cut it out, but you were out for 45 minutes. There's, there's like a room on either side. Yeah. There's, there's like. For growth. Right. But I think like bad for girl is actually bad and bad for guys is still pretty great.

Right. Like even a bad blow J before talking about oral sex. Yeah. That's still pretty good. Whereas bad going down on a girl can be actually bad. Yeah. And this is a good test for the guy. I will say this that like if he takes it well, then like, you know that he's kind of

a good guy, but if he gets like defensive and angry and weirded, weirded out and jealous, then that's kind of a red flag. Right. That's true. I would go into it with a pure heart knowing that he, try to think of like this from his, from his angle, cause he's going to be floored. Like he, he thinks he fucks you great. That's what he says.

So it might be a minute, a small shot, a small moment where he's shocked and his ego is bruised. Yeah. So just be patient and let him work through it. But note that it comes from a place of ignorance. He just hasn't hooked up with a lot of girls. So it's kind of fun. You're sort of, you're shaping this guy. And I think both of you guys have the same goals and desires, which is to have great sex.

Which is to orgasm. Yeah. So like you guys are on the same team working towards the same goal. It just might catch him by surprise that it's not as great as he thinks it is. But that's not to say that like it'll never be good. It can definitely be good. This is another question that I want to follow up pup on. I want to see how it went and how he's doing.

Very much so. Perhaps a report card. Uh, that way we can keep an eye on his progress too. You know, if, if she's grading him on some sort of sliding skill, we can actually see and chart his growth. Yeah. I'd like to know exactly what was bad about him going down on her. Yeah. Just in case I might accidentally be doing this.

Oh, fuck. Shit. He was nose deep in it. Oh God. I'm going to ask your mom to turn down the podcast. Your mom is in California. We want her back on the show, right? Yeah, we're going to, we're going to get her.

Uh, yeah, I hope so. Do you have contacts with her? Maybe we can ask her through one of your sisters. Yeah. Uh, all right. That's it. That's our time. Thanks for listening.

If you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions, your own thumbnail submissions, uh, please send them all to if I were you show at gmail.com. The opening theme song was written by Alex McGuire. And this closing one was written by Angie. So thanks, Alex. Thanks, Angie. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back soon.

Uh, gosh, what is what's left to say? So, bye. Hey everybody, I don't know if you've heard, but your favorite website, thechive.com, now has words. And it's come in the form of our shiny new podcast right over at podcast one. So join us. I'm John Rezik. Uh, this is Bob Phillips.

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