If I Were You - 131: #GreenlightJakeAndAmir

Episode Date: January 29, 2015

In this episode we discuss our future, our past, and our present. Also, asexuality.This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com, BlueApron.com, and Audible.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

With you, I turn the volume up right now for this hashtag gopious that's spilling out for your goddamn problems your goddamn Come-apart's forget Mozart. This shit's the real art. This is that good shit. Listen quick cover hit pop up this advice She's the cheese real quick Monday blast dude. I'll be straight tram dipping it Jake in a may you too better kill it Yeah, all right, I'm ready to box you what I think I'm gonna box Scratching me this isn't boxing Is it called boxing if I hit you like did I just box you or is boxing just like an art of fighting it I think boxing is like the type of fighting so I can't like box you. No, that would just be punching me But can I say that can I box you? I guess it's like a good way to start a fight

Yeah, but I think if you did that then we started punching each other it would quickly devolve into us like right But just wrestling. Can I say that I boxed somebody? Sure Just know that you never actually will I Just wanted the closest I've gotten to fighting is figuring out if Saying boxed is grammatically correct. Yeah, that's as good as I get that was Jonathan Gould And he said we've used this song three times before All right, not much dragon much dude

You should call you the bragging dragon because you spit fire and self like self aggrandizing the bragging dragon You go I should call you Brandon Yo, I'm Brandon you as a bragging dragon. Yo, it's like a marketing ploy Not from a boy from a guy who's Jewish kind of newish to this whole scene. You know what I mean? Drop the mic drop the mic and never pick it up again. It's really expensive. Let me lay down the mic All right, and it's broken. All right So, yeah, thanks Jonathan Gould and you just proved how hard rapping actual it is I only spend an hour writing that shit, though. What if he'd spent more money more time than that?

What if I'd spend more time you did spend more time? I saw you scribbling not good enough scribble it out It's hard the hardest part about freestyling is not just starting to rap a real song. Oh Really? Yeah, cuz my my train of thought just goes on to a path and then it just wants to take off from there Interesting my train of I am the hardest part for me freestyling is not to turn it into something really really dirty Oh, yeah, you want to say dick? Yeah as soon as I start rhyming. It's like I need to find something that rhymes with dick. Yeah like I Can't ever start a freestyle. It's not about me being blown

Which is probably the problem with most rap today Damn, man. Yeah, you keep on Writing but just keep talking about the same three things blow jobs money and pussy and honestly blow jobs and pussy is borderline The same thing. Yeah, and I really only want money to have pussy. All my raps are just me bragging. Yeah, I can't stop What's new with you? Not too much. What's Gucci? We said yesterday we put out that video that said we're no longer making videos for college humor anymore. Oh, yeah That was a big frickin deal. I can't believe we just did that on a web

I was high when I made that video. I told nobody at college humor about it We were just like I'm done for the day and forever. We tossed up a Doofy little video that was sentimental and shit And now we don't have a web series anymore. Thanks to Audrey Scott for making the song for that. Yeah, six C Yeah, I present created a bittersweet symphony for us. Oh shit. There you go. So that was off the cuff Yeah, see you get it arriving off the cuff. Just not good at like presenting it in the cool rap away. Yeah Can I still have money? We get me talking to an executive producer that we get paid Don't worry. Well after these videos, we're actually gonna be sort of unemployed. Oh

Yeah, oh, no, you didn't know about that. I thought we'd still get our pay Oh, no Yeah, I just wanna do the video. Yeah, I thought it would be chill to have health insurance and not have to make any videos Right, and I told you I explained to you in detail that you'd have to so we don't even get money At least we do we have health insurance and benefits. It's yeah, it's all gonna go away. All right, gosh, no All I'll have is is is the bi-weekly input my 401k. Oh, no, no, no What do you mean? No, I wish we had sat down and had this conversation before I still need I still need contributions. I Still want you to mad

I still want IAC to match my contributions Yeah, it's all gonna go away. Wow. So why did we do it if we're not gonna get money anymore? Are we gonna talk? I thought we were to say this for the break. Oh, no, we got it. I'm ready. All right. I've been ready All right Like my dad used to say yeah coming over again exactly did he show up you didn't he didn't even show Yeah, yeah, it wasn't a valuable lesson, man. Yes that I had to grow up Yeah Well, first of all, it's very flattering to hear like the outpouring of support. I said it was kind of like being at our own funeral

Yeah, only we're not dying. We just get to see all this the best of both worlds. Yeah, only only our life's work is dying Yeah, not us the comments on YouTube and Twitter, you know, and I read it because I'll still I'll still be able to hang out with you all the time. Oh So it's it's weird for me to be like, oh my god, people are so sad. I'm like, oh, but me and you are still here I'm still alive with them And we're also gonna have this podcast still that's another question. Oh, actually we wanted to make that announcement, too The podcast is over. So this is the last episode of if I were you unless you physically see us on the street You're ever going to become carpenters. Yeah separately, too

unrelated I'm moving to Dover And I'm moving to Annapolis The two big cities on the mid at that will be close but not close enough but not cigar It is yeah, so it's very flattering and cool to read all the outpouring of support. Yes That's true. It's been very very nice. And then the second biggest question is why we're doing it huh Well, hmm I'm honestly on the fence still

You shouldn't have let us release the video Dick what? No, it's mostly about wanting to pursue other stuff. Yeah, by the time these last episode eight episodes air I don't know if you guys even know if you don't know Jake and I have a web series. That's ending the It's eight episodes starting on February 17th and then going one a week for eight weeks You guys do we have a web series on college? Yeah, Jake in the mirror. It's actually pretty funny It's pretty ace. It's actually really a very ace. We're goldies in it and then

Oh, right. So once it ends it'll have been eight years, which is way longer than we thought it would go on Yes, when we started it We thought we would run out of episode ideas after like eight episodes and we did And then we regurgitated and regurgitated and regurgitated ever seen a monkey eat its own shit So we did that for eight years mm-hmm and You know, I had a great time. It was fun a great run It was a great run and I don't know if we're ending it too early or too late But I guess I'd rather err on the side of early like I'd rather we're reading people

Saying, oh, no, I want to keep watching and we'd rather that have the feedback than the tweets of oh This show is still on I stopped watching four years ago I think our audience is like yeah I think our audience is as big as ever was true because we've been making because the audience includes people that watched a long time ago and stopped over a day was yeah and Really, it's just like we got it. We got other stuff that we want to do. Yeah fun as it is to make Jake and Amir it's hard to make Jake and Amir and

Do other stuff do other things that we're passionate about like writing TV and writing movies and Further developing this podcast which we love or jogging or yeah, and we love jogging. Actually, I don't love jogging Yeah, I haven't jogged in a year But still I'd love to at least try to take it up And I feel like I can now and maybe we can do other internet stuff Yeah, internet ideas that include me and you that don't necessarily Fall under the Jake and Amir web series, right? I would like somebody a couple people have written to me and they're like

I'm gonna miss you guys so much like I don't know what I'm gonna do without you and I'm like, well I don't know how to do anything but make comedy So I'm gonna keep on doing that. You'll be good. It'll just be not I mean the Jake I love the Jake and Amir characters too. I still see things that I'm like You know, I think of so many So many ideas in your voice and the Amir characters voice every time I do something I'm like, what would Amir right be doing with this, right? Which I don't know. I don't know how I ever stop

I mean, I'm sure our sense of humor will be able to be transferred to some new endeavor that will hopefully be as interesting it's kind of like when Like Ricky Gervais and Steven Merchant didn't make like stop the office But then they had extras the next time around where it's like oh sort of the same soul but in a different body Right. Hopefully people can think of Jake and Amir as our first show. Yeah, what's our second one? Our second show will be extras Okay But I figured they did it so now it's time for us to reshoot it scene-for-scene shot-for-shot cool So we have peaked. Yeah. No, no, no, we've peaked

And then a lot of people think or I guess not a lot of people think but some people have mentioned that They think the web series is ending because we have we're getting a TV show for sure, right? So let us clarify here once and for all that is true Announcing That'd be nice We the truth is this is gonna be the truest most we shouldn't even answer a question This is just the truest most real podcast that we can get let's not me and you will ask each other questions So we answered the why we're leaving. Yeah, and are we leaving do we have a TV show at TBS?

Maybe so we still don't know the answer it no, bro Yeah, we sort of haven't addressed the Questions that we've gotten so far about that because we don't know right so it's hard to say I don't know I don't know. I don't know but we still don't know. Yeah, so what happened was TBS asked us to write a pilot Which we did Jake and Amir which we did so the characters of Jake and Amir aren't necessarily Dead after this web series After the finale of our web series. We it's not like we're we will never ever revive them because potentially potentially

TBS will say they want us to shoot our pilot right or potentially They'll say no Yeah, yeah, it's like you ever go out on a date with a girl and it goes really really well And then you say cool. We should go out again, and then she doesn't answer you for a year. Yeah so it's like that and We're thinking this girl might text us and say hey, you know your second date idea. Let's get married. Holy shit She could say hey, you know your second date idea that you proposed a year ago. Yeah, no, yeah So we'll see how can we force what we need to do is like

What's the equivalent of standing on their their front lawn with a boombox? Oh We should just find out where the TBS headquarters is and stand outside with a boom box If you just if someone could photoshop a second John Cusack and say anything and then Photoshop me my face on one And Amir's face on the other and the boombox is playing Greenlight Jake in a mirror Ashtag green light Jake in a mirror that I think I think we have a chance We are I feel like we're at the very least one Twitter campaign away. Yeah Yeah, like if we get everybody who's tweeted at us their support for

The show ending if we turn that Twitter energy, right into a campaign instead of support Just annoyed TBS. I'm not annoyed. I didn't say a no. I said bomb threats. No, I didn't say that either I was just like if they if people tweet like for example, does TBS have a Twitter handle? That's Okay, let me go on first question that was That sucked sucks, okay, they do boom at TBS very funny. Oh, okay, so this is yeah, here it is So we're still alive So if people can just tweet this is the campaign

Hey at TBS very funny, right? Don't don't do this at TBS very funny We've got to go out to your actual follow. Yeah dot at TBS very funny. Hey at TBS very funny. Yeah make the show Hashtag Jake we like Jake in a mirror Make their show. Yeah hashtag green light Jake in a mirror. Okay. Hashtag. That's a good hashtag Okay, so hey at TBS very funny This is gonna happen people are gonna get into this After all this time after years of emotional anguish and turmoil

Wondering whether or not TBS is gonna like our show at the very least it got picked actually I think if If our fans Move the needle that would maybe be the most beautiful and perfect thing eat in either direction Yeah, like even if this ruins it at least our fans Yeah, and that's all that I ever cared about we just want to answer support. Okay, so here it is if you have a Twitter account If you don't make one We're going all in on this one. I wanna hey at TBS very funny. That's their name Hashtag their own spins on it by the way. Yeah, this is it. Yeah, it doesn't think it's just a bot

Same exact same thing. Okay, but this is the necessary steps. Hey at TBS very funny Hashtag what you say green light Jake in a mirror all one word all one word all one hashtag, right? And then because or or else I'll some sort of reason give right so Is that how many characters? We're already at 184 And I to be clear, I do really really want the John Qsack A lot maybe I'll do it myself if you can photoshop something that would be even better But that's that that seems like it would at the very least get a social media manager's attention

Yeah, I mean if dozens and dozens or a hundred people did it. Yeah, because maybe they don't know that we have fans And our fans what better way to prove to them that we have fans by Devoted yeah, so if you guys if you guys want to Imagine this is a car on a cliff if you guys either want to all push together and shove it off the cliff or pull it back together Back onto the land, whichever you consider the success Sounds like if we're in the car. Yeah, we want it to be shove it off Hey, here it is. Hey at TBS very funny Hashtag green light Jake and Amir and then your own spin on it. Yeah, that'd be that'd be nice

I'll search that hashtag tomorrow that we're recording this on a Wednesday. It comes out on a Thursday We gave you the bonus Thursday episode. The least you guys can do is give us a TV show What's a TV show honest? We made Jake and Amir little web videos for eight frickin years Now you're getting y'all didn't get us a show yet. This is on you Obviously, we're funny enough. Has it what I mean like theoretically our fan like somebody who started watching Jake and Amir in High school or college, which is when we started making it when I was 21. Yeah somebody Could be like a 29 year old executive right now Oh, so you're saying a high school fan has turned into an executive. I don't understand why none of our high school friends have become the

Guy that runs TBS. Why aren't any of our high school fans Kevin Riley? They really should be you really should be Kevin Riley by this point at the very least the senior vice president. Why not? All right, cool. That's this is good. This is a positive diversion and Yeah, we'll read the tweets respond to people maybe retweet a couple I don't know. How do we incentivize it other than uh, well our gratitude some RT's Personal some personal thank yous. I'll fricking follow. I'll follow a couple people Wow every every 10 to 15 people I'll throw them a follow Wow Wow Wow Wow. How'd you like me?

Me to follow you on Twitter You do have a popular Twitter account, but still All right, what else anything else or should we start answering questions? Are you nervous about leaving College Humor forever? I really I Don't even know like I know the right answer. Here's the right answer. That is the interview, right? Yeah Yeah, I'm nervous College Humor has been so good to us for so long and we're we shaped our sensibilities there That's where we met but at the same time. I'm so excited. I'm thrilled to see what's next That's I think that's how I really feel but also I'm so thoughtless and dumb

Like right now I'm thinking about like what's for lunch. Yeah rock climbing. Yeah. Yeah, you want to just sort of live about girls I'm usually just thinking about girls and milkshakes. I'm sort. Yeah, I Don't know. I'm a moron like I don't know the repercussions of ending our web series Yeah, like it's it's cool to be like, you know what? We had a good run eight years of episodes Let's wrap it up on our own terms and end it on a high note And then like the logistics of it is like you on a health care website trying to navigate what it's like to pay for your own health Yeah, I was sick and I actually had to go to the doctor yesterday. I was like, oh fuck I need to get I need to go to the doctor before I don't have health insurance, right?

Can we release these episodes one every other week? I think I have appendicitis. I like I like being insured I want I want a doctor in addition to I see gives us good health care, too You know, I didn't even have a copay yesterday. I straight up went to a doctor for free. I mean, holy shit Sure, I have to pay a significant chunk of money every two weeks Yeah, I mean seem like my I don't understand how anything works. So I really am I Guess I'm not I guess I'm not nervous, but I also recognize that I'm pretty dumb. Yeah but at the end We're gonna be together that's comforting. Yeah, that like we're in the same boat

I think if I was doing this alone, that would be a lot scarier We also still have the podcast so that feels like a life raft of sorts Definitely, I got the very least we can try to be funny once to twice a week and put it online Yeah, but I think less than being like excited and thrilled at the prospect of like do it ourselves which I'm I'm just mostly curious. I wonder what's gonna happen and even though like Like I am gonna be an integral part of whatever's gonna happen because it's gonna need to be me doing it I'm still like I'm even curious about what I'm gonna do. Yeah, you're like you're standing on the sidelines We like I wonder what's gonna happen with that guy and then you're like, oh wait. I am that guy. Yeah, it's happening

Well, hopefully if I feel like if we get we've we get this trending topic thing happening We won't even have to worry about it. We'll just be working on this goddamn TV show in an ideal world We won't ever have to think about what our next project will be because Jake and Amir will just get bigger without us realizing it Yeah, we'll get to keep on working on it. Yeah, that would be a good thing on like the DVD is like at the end be like Oh, thanks hashtag green light Jake and Amir project. Oh, yeah. Yeah, like for you guys like pushing us through That's you know, it also be fun. He's TBS told us no today and then this This giant campaign starts tomorrow Yeah, God, we should really get this get the word out there before they officially say no which can happen literally any day

They can say no at any time. They could have already said no We just don't know yet. Yeah, cuz our our phones are off while we record When we record this podcast, no, it'd be this campaign would be even funnier if they had already said no Anything else should we take a break and come back and answer Some people's advice questions. We haven't even talked about what this show is yet Yeah, do you want to take a break or do you want it? We could just talk. Let's just mean Not nearly a single question Ben Schwartz style. Yeah Finally, are you still sick? Yeah, well, I'm a lot better than I was it was weird

It was like when I was really bad before we left for Austin. Mm-hmm Then I was okay a little bit in Austin. Yeah, the last two days. I got sick again yesterday after Austin Sick as I've been yet and this has been just seven days. Yeah, it's like so I ever so this I finally went to the doctor And I was trying to decide I think in the last ten years. I went to a doctor Twice for when I broke my foot. Mm-hmm. I will a podiatrist or a foot surgeon, right and then Another time when I got my STD test sure at the free clinic in New York Mm-hmm, but besides I've never like gone to the doctor for an ailment like an illness illness So what was it like? Did it actually help?

Yes, well, so I waited I went to a walk-in clinic. I Everybody's like, I know it's easy to go to a doctor and I'm just like, you know, it's actually pretty cool I'm just a moron. I was good I didn't want to like I didn't want to go through the process of finding where to go Right and I was on Yelp and like I was calling all like the highly reviewed doctors and they're like Oh, we don't take your insurance or we don't take walk-ins and then I was about to go to this like Really really shitty two-star reviewed place in Echo Park And there was literally an ad for another walk-in clinic that was highly reviewed and I was like, all right

We're just gonna go hell if you can afford an ad I'll go there So I went I waited a chilled I read a magazine and then I walked in I told them my problem Which was that I think I had a sign-up Which is that I think I'm dying I was and I need a TV show I told her about his green light Jake and Amir shit. She seemed on board and unimpressed I'm doing what it won't work is what she said on board and unimpressed They did the whole thing listen to my heartbeat shine some shit in my ear. I got an ear lavage, which is the coolest

Do you know what that is they flushed so she was like By the way, this doctor is like pretty cute. So she's like Feeling my heart I was like, okay, this is nice. I made a joke She asked me to take off my I was wearing like an over shirt in an undershirt She has to take off the over shirt. Oh, and it was like my body like my tricep was looking good Yeah, flexed on the table. So I knew was like this girl's probably thinking like oh as sick as he is He's pretty healthy She looked at my ear. She's like you actually have a lot of earwax

Have you ever ever lavaged excuse you I said and then she was like You're there's a lot of pressure in your head and it's like the earwax isn't what's causing it but you know, it's it's compacted and It's not helping the situation. So there might be some minor relief and I was like, oh, yeah, sure So an assistant came in and like flushed my ear with warm water and then took metal tongs deep And yanked out a piece of earwax the size of a fucking raisin It was it's crazy that thing was in my ear forever. Yeah, and it would have been there forever

And like I don't know it was it's it was incredible. It's incredible It's an amazing sensation to feel that yanked from your ear. Yeah, look at it on the gurney I want to get something yanked for my ear. It's fun It's fun. I highly recommend actually at one time about a syringe They have those syringes at home and you can do it yourself. Yeah, try to do it in the shower How did it work? No, it's good. It doesn't cook. Well, that doesn't Necessarily flush out like a you need the the actual tweezers to get the huge piece of wax God So thick and wet the flushing will I guess help something. Yeah a little piece of debris, of course

Loading but yeah, no, you got to get the lovage We get the full lavage treatment. So anyway, I looked down at the giant piece of earwax on the table And I looked at my doctor. I said, would you go on a date with me now that I'm wax-free Hashtag green light this date I'm borderline on a date with you right now and I pretty much have a TV show if you just look at this Twitter campaign Which I know Kevin Riley will I think he runs the TVS Social media platform. Yeah, he's the president and also a social media intern Who sort of does it all?

So and then you did that and you didn't have to pay at all No, it was covered. There should just be a place like a haircut place or uh, I Don't know a specialist that just flushes your ear Well, that's like for $20 when you just go out there to flush your ear. I don't want them to do anything I want to go into this place and instead of getting haircut. They flush my ears. Yeah I mean, that's this walk-in clinic. You can have them do that. Oh, no, but I don't want them to do anything else They don't have to do anything else. They have like I mean for anybody It's yeah, I want a room

It's just for you You want there to be an office somewhere that you get an ear lavage every every year a year lavage Yearly yearly lavage No, I want a place where other people could come in and it's just called like ear flushers Oh, I see and then you go on you flush your ear you leave This place is pretty close to a haircut place like the same way that a haircut is like we'll do a shave We'll do a wash. Yeah, this place is like they do skin tag removal. They do They do like sinus infection checkups. They do a flu shot. It's like and each thing is like it's like a maintenance thing

Yeah, and each thing is priced. Oh, it's like a menu. Yeah, so you can literally just be like I want one of these How much is the lavage? I'm not sure I didn't pay for it I'm not I can't remember but it was on the list and I wish I could remember It's funny because I did look at that two-star review place on Yelp and they also do the beard shirming They do beard trimming in a haircut place and surgery. Yeah, beard trimming. Yeah flu shots and actually surgery Yeah, they also have roast beef. There's a deli counter. You take a number and you either get meat or a lavage That's crazy. Yeah, they'll do faxing and open-heart surgery. Yeah, it's a notary public

Paper shredding place that'll also do a wart removal crazy and last but not least. Yes, they will do the lavage They have a lavage stage My local lavagerie All right, let's take a break. Thank a few more sponsors and then we'll be right back This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious Stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and

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Accepting donations in the form of a twight a tweet a Twitter Another thing we should talk about our Super Bowl bet. Oh And also, right? Well, I have a thing to talk about too. Okay. What do you want to talk about first? Because should we do a telethon for Jake and Amir? I really think we should try to do a telethon. The Twitter thing is pretty cool But a telethon is a decent idea too. Well telethon is a public Was trying to raise money. Yeah for what? No, I really just want cash

I just like the idea of taking over public public public that public access TV I just really like the idea of taking over public access TV for an hour or for an evening Dressing in a tuxedo. Well, if this Twitter thing works, we'll announce it with a telethon promise Or what about that brings us back to the Super Bowl bet What if those are the stakes of the bet like the winner gets to I don't know if it's so expensive to get a half hour of public Access TV or is a billboard funnier? I think that I don't I don't know Okay Winner's choice either a billboard of the loser whatever he wants or a half hour of public access television

Where you can say whatever you want about the way you have to look that look into that. Yeah, basically a public shaming display I wonder can we do like I don't we have access to the LA billboards? Yeah, but I wonder if we could just do like an enormous billboard in Wyoming somewhere Like one in the middle of nowhere and then we could like I don't know ask the person who puts it up to take a picture Yeah, but it's it's more fun when it's in our backyard I guess that's true Like I'd hate for mine to be in Around the corner from our house and then if you lose I get to put a billboard of you in Cheyenne, Wyoming

Yeah, I guess it's still Great location. I mean, maybe you can get a bunch of billboards all across Wyoming Well the just to make sure just so we're all on the same page you have the patriots Yes to win I choose the Patriots to and I have the Seahawks just to win. Yeah, no spread. No spread because that's what that's what the Super Bowl is right now. Um, I Kind of think it should just be a billboard that because that it's like our annual billboard bet That's good. The super board the Super Bowl billboard bet Yeah, the Super Bowl billboard bet and I what could you top a tinder ad?

Yeah, I hope so it would be sad if I picked against the Seahawks and got burned last year And then I picked the Seahawks this time and then I just got burned again. I Just the real question is how many how many of those balls are gonna be deflated I really think Brady's gonna chuck a deflated football Yeah, yeah, yeah, get up dude The balls were under inflated. He still won the second half I mean, we're not talking about ISIS here. Nobody died Okay, Tom, I mean, no

Actually, what oh this isn't this isn't cancer. It's not the Holocaust. It's a it's a football. You're trying to You're trying to undersell it. Yeah, you're minimizing it in terms of football. It's pretty bad to cheat though Yeah, I know but it is just a game or it's a sport. Yes. I under inflated the balls You try throwing one I bet you still couldn't throw a tight spiral into the end zone actually give me the ball It was a floppy little disc if I deflated it to a frisbee you couldn't throw a touchdown pass to Gronk He needs it a specific way Yeah, that's like I don't know but that's that's your team. I do I love I Still love Tom Brady. Yeah, it's hard to bet against him, but here I am I think I think he's the type of athlete

That really like rises when this when this would be going on to yeah when everybody counted him out this year That's the that's the the fear in me is like they call it there Bill Simon calls it f you mode He's gonna you think he's gonna go into fuck you mode, right? Well, that's and I but the thing that scares me is that that's also what the Seahawks are in after they like You know that insane come from behind victory that they had to get there This is more like a team of destiny thing. Yeah team of destiny scares me, but then they're up and then it's like They're up against the Empire right the evil Empire like the oh the team that deflated the footballs to get here And where the team that we've earned it like

Fucking came from what their victory was absolutely insane. They recovered an onside kick Yeah, they were down so rarely let alone in the like the post season They said there was a 99.9% chance when the Packers had the ball up 12 with four minutes left Of them winning and they lost crazy I just hope it's a good game. I really hope it's a fair game And I hope the Patriots win because I want to I want another billboard Still up I think so just just give him another 900 bucks and say let it run Keep it up run it twice

The other thing I wanted to talk about is that I'm going on vacation and you're gonna take over text Jake Oh, yeah Text Jake comm website that allows Jake Hurwitz to text suggestions for you You have your expert insight into what you should type to a girl or guy if you are a girl or guy And you get a couple every day you respond to them all within 24 hours. That's correct But you're going on a mini vacation and you want me to take over yes I'm gonna be in Mexico, Mexico. So and I from what I've heard about the Specific area that I'm going is that there's no Wi-Fi. Oh my very spotty Wi-Fi. It doesn't sound like a good vacation to me

I know you've got a portable When we went to London, yeah, or the city wants you do and then you I had every Yeah, I had a digital versatile disc London's I'd show out Sherlock Holmes one which I don't you also brought your MacBook Pro which has a CD drive So I tried to tell you that that would act as a DVD. Yeah, but you said no I want to bring this portable DVD player. I also took a Mi-Fi hotspot into the Amazonian rainforest one year Yeah, and I just ended up chatting. I was chatting all day. Yeah, you were you were on Oh

Yeah, yeah, you were on chat roulette. Yeah Roulette Brazil So you want me or You think I have it in me for the next how many days to respond to these text messages? I'm oh Sorry That watch does go off every day at this time It's true. There was an episode once where we left it in and somebody called me out on it

Are we gonna leave this in? Yeah, sure. Why not at least for addressing it. Yeah Beeps for a little bit long of a time though. So you leave tonight. So basically I have control of text shake It's basically text to me or for Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday. Yes. I'll be back Sunday You're handing me the keys to the Ferrari. Yeah, dude. Don't mess this up We have nine lawsuits pending, but I you've gotten You you are pretty good at text messaging. I'm your protege. You really are so you think I you think I have what it takes I really I definitely think what you have what it takes to take over for four days trial run

We'll see how you do. Thank you. Namaste, and I appreciate it We're at about the 40 minute mark. What do you want to do? Do you want to answer one question? Do you want to see goodbye forever? Let's answer one question. All right This is if I were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake people email us They're difficult places sticky situations, and they're asking for our advice the email address is if I were you show at gmail.com Let's answer one question from one person one guy Let's get his name Kevin

Right. Hey dudes, love the show dudes. I'm wondering how I can help your TV project get Greenlit I really want to see the show so bummed the Jake Lamir is leaving college here But I'd love to see it live on in the form of a television TV show Just like you and I and all your fans have always dreamed if I get a lot of tweets that sort of pushed me over the edge I'd be down to green light it. Oh Kevin. We're glad you're out in All right, hey dudes love the show and all that stuff. I'm 19 years old and the past few months I've been spending a lot of time with this girl It started out really innocent just two friends hanging out playing video games and chilling

But as we got more comfortable with each other things got intimate We could cuddle when watching movies occasionally spooning in one night after a few drinks. There was a kiss I thought for sure we were heading towards something real and she seemed to be just as into it as I am Knowing all this imagine my surprise when I see a Facebook post from her where she announces that she is Asexual Obviously, I'm all for being who you are and I would never want her to change But I do still have feelings for this girl and I definitely feel like we had a connection So I guess my question is how do I approach this?

Do I just quit and try to forget about her? Do I tell her about my feelings and hope for the best all help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. Love Kevin Wow, she came out of the closet as an asexual That is a tough pill to swallow. She stood on a soapbox and proclaimed to her friends that She was disinterested in you. She came out of someone. Yeah, she came out as someone who was bored of you. Imagine my surprise So dramatic Something that could be a joke The asexual or imagine my surprise. It's being just like saying I'm asexual

It's weird to post on your Facebook. It's I guess right or do you want everybody to know? There's a chance you misinterpreted it Oh, so that's one way of thinking about it is a wishful thinking thing where you're like, oh She just said that what a weird way it would be for her to tell this guy to relax. Oh Like she's like, I don't want to tell him that I'm either one asexual or two not interested So I'll just post that I am I have this condition on Facebook where I can't love or feel romantic Exactly sure what being an asexual is I searched and it's like I guess it is a thing It's just people with insanely low sex drives. They're just not romantically interested in any of that, right? So my theory is one either she's lying and doesn't want to be with you

Which means you shouldn't pursue it or two. She actually is asexual whatever that means And not into it. So you shouldn't pursue it regardless of what it is Do you think knowing that should you at least tell her your feelings? I Guess what do you have to lose, right? Yeah, I guess you could say I was sad to hear you're asexual because I liked you But I still celebrate you as a friend and I think you're great and I wish you the best That's good So you sort of you open the conversation with the fact that you saw her Facebook post, right?

You're like, I'm sorry to hear that you're asexual because I am actually a sexual person And then you lean in and you kiss her nose and you say felt nothing Tell me if you didn't frickin feel a spark. I did feel wet weird lips on my nose You know spark you should rub rub a carpet like with yours with your Wear socks and like rub around on a carpet and then when you go into kiss her There's a little spark a little static. That's harassment. What? That's harassment. Oh

My god, dude, I was kidding. I was gonna make a joke about chemistry and you're you're alleging this Oh, get the fuck off of me. Do citizens are my get off of me, dude. What are you doing? Oh still? hashtag help I Think yeah, I would do one thing. I would I know what you were saying. I'm sorry to hear that you're asexual Yeah, sounds like you're saying like I'm sorry that you have that problem But it's not like it's just like coming out of the closet and being gay or something you wouldn't say Sorry about that. Oh interesting like yeah, I heard you were personally bummed that that means that you aren't attracted to me, right unless

Unless that was all goof Goofing on that shit No, you're not sexually attracted to anybody but me. No, I'm actually not sexually attracted to you Taking off his shoes and rubbing a carpet. Hold on one second. You're gonna love this. I'm getting all staticky That was yeah, I don't know what else to tell this guy Yeah, probably don't pursue it at all But if you feel like you want to at least get some closure say like I did I did have feelings for you But I but I accept you as an asexual and I hope we can hang out as friends

Yeah, at the very least you have an answer It's kind of like this TBS thing like it's not nice to be hanging out in limbo you want an either yes or no So instead of hanging out in this gray zone, why don't you tell her the second campaign? We'll just be tweeting at TV to at least tell us no We deserve an answer at least reject them. I did okay I was taking red light Jake in a mirror. All right, that's it f that a cathartic episode it was a little bit we should do this all the time it was like a bone this really was a bonus Thursday episode

We'll be back on we got real on Monday with our scheduling a regularly scheduled program We begin and end every theme every episode with a new theme song the first one is from Jonathan Gould This last one is from oh, it's from those triplets. Oh, they sent us a Christmas slash Hanukkah themed theme song and I didn't read it in time So we still appreciate this festive theme song from those triplets Ilana Ayla now Ilana Ayla and Danny So, thanks guys. So thanks to you guys for listening and thank you also for all the kind words on our subreddit and Twitter and our Facebook and

Everywhere else indeed. It means a Whole lot to me and to me fine To me like it didn't anything to me. I just think it meant more to me You're just you're speaking because you're you but I mean it meant a lot to me as well as me So thank you guys. I'll see you Monday Hey, why are you Telling you what they would do If this podcast ain't enough

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