If I Were You - 132: Taylor Swift (Live from Austin!)

Episode Date: February 2, 2015

In this episode we discuss lawsuits, sexuality, and our SuperBowl bet -- live from Austin, Texas!This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com, Vegas.com, and TaxAct.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, if I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If only I were you, shout out cop. Holla, Holla, Holla, Holla, Holla, we the boys. Holla, we the boys. Holla, Holla, Holla, we making noise. Holla, Holla, we the boys. Hey everybody, how's it going? Wow, wow.

Nobody sit. Nobody sit. We stand, you stand. We all stand for ice stands. For what? Ice stands? Oh yeah, ice stands. Stands where ice is sold.

Cool. I just wanted to say ISIS at one point in the show. Should we, are we standing? I mean you guys should sit. That was a test motherfuckers. Everybody who's still standing leaves. That's right, we want people who don't listen quickly to stay. Keep going.

I'm stuck lyrically. See what's going on here? This is why I can't have a selfie stick. Right. I don't know how. There's so many reasons why you shouldn't have a selfie stick. This is probably the least. Nothing is going right for me right now dude.

If anything give up on trying to take it out. Okay. We the boys. We're making noise. So what you want to do is pull the mic towards you. Chill. Okay. I know what to do.

You all right. Let go of it with your left hand and it will go. Both hands. Nice one genius. I'm going to sit down then. Good. Here we go. Why does he say hold up a lot in that song?

He wants everyone to know that they are them boys. Yeah. Hold up, hold up. Hold up. Wait, wait, wait. We're them boys. I know. Okay.

Hold up, hold up, hold up. Yeah. We're making noise. Hold up. We're them boys. Got it. Hold up. What else?

We're making noise. I feel like I'm repeating myself. Still stuck. Do you? Yeah. That's good. That's gonna be fine. Watch this.

Oh. Okay. That's nice. For anybody listening and not in the crowd right now. We know how to work a mic stage. For those of you listening at home, we flawlessly put our mics exactly where they need to be. Both of us. They're laughing because I'm juggling with my feet.

And it's nervous laughter because they're impressed. Right guys? This is such a big whiskey. Thank you to the generous bartender. Hey, we're in Austin. That was an accidental kind of cool move. Did you do that on purpose? That's the name of my autobiography.

An accidental kind of cool move. The coolest thing I can be is kind of cool. And the only way to achieve it is accidentally. That's like the story of your life. That's how you were born. Yeah. Kind of a cool accident by your parents. That's right.

They accidentally fucked. My dad tripped. Yeah. Into mommy. This is my dad explaining to me where babies come from. And how he didn't mean to make love to your mother. And then I was trying to get up. Hold up, hold up.

We making boys. Nice. Thank you. Don't fucking talk about my dad like that. All right. How are you guys doing? This is a... Yeah.

Crazy. This is a fucking for a podcast. This is the coolest 300 people ever. At the very least, you all know how to use iTunes, which is pretty cool. You're welcome. Who came here from far away? Losers.

Where are you? Do you say you're from Canada? You didn't come here for this podcast because if you did, you fucked up. We're in Toronto tomorrow, man. Oh, yeah, no. We're going to be in Nova Scotia. Sorry about that.

Salmon fishing and all that. You came from Toronto for your birthday? Happy birthday. It's your birthday today? Tomorrow? Your birthday today? It's your dad's birthday today. It is my dad's birthday.

Wait. Is that why you guys have birthday hats on? You guys are all Canadian? You're wearing hats for her birthday? No. For Amir's dad's birthday? Yeah, they're huge fans of my dad's OBGYN practice. You're drinking that neat, huh?

Yeah, I am neat. It's going to be a little harsh on your palate, I imagine. Maybe for some. Cheers. Oh, nice. Bad luck. Okay, Toronto is probably going to win. Anybody else from pretty far away?

El Paso? How far off a drive is it from El Paso? How many? Did you drive? So, like, actually, how long was your flight from Toronto? Two planes? We didn't fucking ask how many planes. He said, how long?

Don't try to oversell it. I took three layovers to get made fun of. No, we so appreciated. That's awesome. Thank you so much. What can we do to make this worthwhile? You took two planes. We didn't even take two planes.

She took two planes at the same time. What? Yeah, she was straddling them. Water skiing of sorts through the skies. So hot. And you drove from El Paso? Holy shit. For your birthday?

Everyone's birthday. Oh, my God. We're all twins. Everyone here is my dad. You all fucked Amir's mom. Enough. Sorry. Absolutely.

Excuse you for that. Has anybody here not ever heard this show before? Yeah. So you were just dragged here by friends who were like, trust us. It's going to be pretty good. We are disappointing you already. Well, I hope you guys have a fun time. The way it works is that this is like an advice show.

So Jake and I give people suggestions on how to extricate themselves from their sticky situations. We're already losing someone. That's okay. Trying a new intro. So we read people's emails. People email us at ifirishow at gmail.com. And they're like, we want your advice and we do our best to give it.

Friends are just me and Jake alone. Somewhat naked in our house. And sometimes we're on stage. Somewhat naked in front of 300 of our closest friends. I think we should get to the questions. But before we do that, we want to invite Audrey Scott onto the stage. Every show we start, we have starts begins with a theme song written by a fan of ours. And yeah, Audrey has written.

That's right. Audrey has written. How many songs have we used of yours? Five. Do you need anything from us or can you just get started? That's it. That's it? Yeah.

Holy shit. All right. Audrey Scott, everyone. Right. So I was going to loop this live, but I can't. So I'm going to this little app called loopy HD. Here we go. Sponsor for the podcast.

If I were you, the best podcast that makes you laugh, it gets real too. If I were you, so if you're stuck in a dire straight, I'd email into a mirror and J. If I were you, if I were you. Wow. Here we go for Audrey Scott. How the fuck are we supposed to follow that? It's not fair. So here we are.

And I want to just go to one of her concerts now. She recorded all those parts upstairs before the show. I just suck my dick with Khalifa. That was better than weed and boys. I'd like to get blown by with Khalifa. Yeah. Regardless of what happened, I feel like I just wanted a blowjob from Wiz Khalifa. All right.

Let's get this show on the road. These, what? I brought a song. I don't care. I'm just joking. Oh. Sometimes we play songs about the podcast. Yeah.

Let me have a little bit more whiskey. Then I'll agree to that. Thank you for like one of the two songs at the end when Jake's really tipsy. But thank you for bringing the guitar. That's awesome. Really cool. There's already guitar here, so you wasted your energy, but... He took four planes to get here.

And he's from Austin. He was detained in customs because they thought there was something in the guitar. Yeah. Adelie searched. Only to have me say, fuck it, we didn't need your guitar. They did find a pick in there though. Why? He thought the pick would be a dangerous thing, so he put it in his cavity.

Right. So I have in my hand seven questions. Will we get to them all? Will we not? I don't know. But these are real emails from real people. We're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. If we can have our first fake name.

Just... Who screamed first really loudly? Bruno? What would you say? Noodle. Noodle. The loudest anyone's ever screamed Noodle. Noodle is his name.

He was on my list. It was Noodle plus one, right? Sir. Noodle. I salute you, Noodle. I love you, Noodle. What's up? You and me, Noodle.

What's up? Tell the goddamn end, sir. Me and Noodle. This is an Olive Garden commercial. Endless Noodle. When you hear your family, Noodle. Uh, yeah. This one's from Noodle.

Let's do it. Noodle writes. Does this look fine? How I'm sitting? Or is this... It looks... I feel like we're not on the same plane. Would you say we took two different planes?

It's a lip mic. It happens to lots of guys. It's not you guys. It's... We get in our heads sometimes. Whiskey mic, indeed. It was the fireball. That was your nickname in college, dude.

Whiskey mic. Yeah. All right. Noodle writes. So I met this girl on Tinder and threw some ups and downs. We've now been together for about six months and are in a committed, monogamous relationship.

She's amazing. And I trust her completely. And I know there's more of a chance of me straying to seize elsewhere cheese than I can imagine. There's more chance of me straying to seize elsewhere cheese than her. I don't plan on it,

but you never know. How? That's right. Here comes the curveball. Before me, she had been in one serious relationship for five years, and she had been faithful the whole time. But before that,

she had been what many would say, fast and free with her V-A-G. I mean, we've all had our fun, but I keep getting the idea from a lot of the things she says that it was a lot of fun, like a lot. Like her number completely eclipses mine into total darkness. I'm not trying to slut shame anybody, and I'm not mad at her,

but it does make me question how she values herself or her morals or some shit. She's an amazing girl, but just giving away those cookies so willy-nilly is starting to get to me. Am I being a sissy-ass trick, or am I onto some kind of behavioral patterns that need to be addressed immediately

before I get into deep? Help, love, noodle. Yes, you detective hero. You're onto some behavioral patterns, actually. Or some shit. We're glad you brought this up. Thank God he's not trying to slut shame anyone, and questions her morals and character

based on something she did six years ago before she knew he existed. I'm not trying to slut shame her, although shame on that whore. I don't know, I question who she is. By the way, I might cheat on her. Because I gotta seize my cheese. She was in a faithful relationship for five years.

You don't understand. Before that, though, when she was single, she actually hooked up with people. I really think she did. I'm not sure, but I was able to read between the lines. Am I onto some behavioral patterns? She doesn't value herself. She sleeps with people when she's single.

How dare she? It's disgusting. Am I onto some kind of behavioral pattern that needs to be addressed immediately? We just told him, yes. You sat her down, like, hey, um... I'm onto some behavioral patterns. I hate to address this any other way, but immediately, but...

Did you sleep around before the guy before me? You cheated on me. Not to mention the guy who you were with for five years that you were faithful to. You cheated on him, too, with other people before you started going out. You prematurely cheated on me six years ago. This guy is a real human.

He thinks that. His name is Noodle. So what do we really tell Noodle? It's okay if your girlfriend is hooked up with guys two times before she was with you. Six years... Oh! You're not onto anything.

In fact, it sounds like he's just pissing himself off. He seems to get angry as he's writing this... The way she's giving those cookies away is really starting to get to me, actually. She's not doing it anyway. You're allowed to. They're free cookies when you're single. I love cookies.

That's not exactly what they are. Vanilla wafers in the villa. Now I get it. So what can he possibly do other than get over yourself? How do you get over jealousy? That's beautiful. Audria Song.

She's only prepared that and maybe one other. We shouldn't waste it this early in the game. Are you ever jealous of... Do you ever think about who your girlfriend has boned before you? All the time. Does it ruffle your feathers? Does it aggravate you?

It's not me. I could do whatever I want. I could cheat on anybody all the time, but since it's... Somebody else. Yeah, if it's them doing it to me, it's bad. If it's me doing it to them, it's fine. That makes sense.

Right. Because it's like... We'll explain the honking later. Seven people who haven't been here. Well, do you get jealous? Not really. My theory is like, if my girlfriend wants to fuck another guy,

she's earned that right. Every single one of your girlfriends has fucked another guy. That's right. And it's always been you and Noodle. The Eiffel Towered her. Every single time. No, I feel like every girl is a free agent of sorts.

If she wants to cheat on me, then, okay, she can do that. And then I would bring her back to me and then, okay, she can do that. And then I would break up with her. If she thinks it's worth it, have at it. But I'm not going to get mad if she wants to, like, sleep with someone six years before we got together.

Right. Things that happened before you were even on her radar, you can't be mad about. It's prehistory. It's also sort of weird to be like, you just honed in on one thing. Your girlfriend is like, I don't know how old she is, but she's like a full human who's had a million experiences

not necessarily all just getting railed by some other dude. You should be curious about, like, her birthday party when she was six and where she went on vacation when she was 15. Not like, oh, you only got fucked before we met. Only tell me things that have happened since I started fucking you. That's when you became real, to me.

So... re-evaluate Noodle. Your girlfriend should have gotten railed. That's good. Doesn't it feel good when you have sex, Noodle? Don't you want your girlfriend to have had those same feelings, Noodle? Don't you want your girlfriend to know how to fuck you and wouldn't she only know how to fuck you

if she fucked other dudes, Noodle? Do you get what I'm saying, Noodle? That's for you. That's for you, Noodle. Noodle, you are my Noodle. I'd like to doodle a Noodle. I think we should move on. Okay.

That's also fair. So, yeah. Noodle, chillax, dude. Right? No, you got that totally wrong. I misread it. We're saying his girlfriend's a whore. We need...

JIS! Sorry, the fake name you shouted out was JIS? Oh, J-I-S-S? JIS. It's how... It's how people from New Zealand say JIS. JIS. JIS? No, you're totally wrong. It's JIS.

Not JIS. J-I-S-Z. JIS. You know, like what comes out of your dick when you come. Who brought their parents to the show? Alright, next one comes from a boy or a girl? Oh, boy, boy. Boy George! Boy George! That's perfect!

Perfect! Guy killed it! Is that a jacket? Is that camo? Patagonia? He really likes camo. What's that? Medium? Find me after the show, boss. And beat the shit out of me.

It would be an honor, sir. I don't want to interrupt, but you have not sipped your whiskey. Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Tota. I have a 9pm flight back to Toronto with her, so I'm trying to pace myself.

We're laying over in Chicago, Minnesota, and Nova Scotia. Fourteen Plains, actually. Yeah. Fourteen Plains. That's the name of my memoir. For no reason, really. Alright, George writes,

While I was away on a trip to Cali, my friend tried to clean up our apartment as a kind gesture for me to return to when I got back home. I'm assuming that I left a plate with a few uneaten scraps of food on it because he felt the need to use the garbage disposal which is located in the sink, naturally. What happened next is neither expected nor advised.

As my dude turned the garbage disposal on, some of the old food did not make it all the way in. In a brazen and committed act of finishing the job, he reached his hand into the sink in attempt to shove the rest of the food into the disposal. The problem was, he didn't turn the disposal off. The disposal proceeded to sever his finger through the bone

until his index finger was dangling from his hand like a set of wind chimes in a hurricane. Visceral. After getting to the hospital, my friend found out that he could indeed get his finger surgically replaced with minor scarring. That was to be expected. What was not to be expected was for him to demand

that I pay his hospital bill when I got home from the hospital. What was not to be expected was for him to demand that I pay his hospital bill when I got home due to my lack of cleaning the plate myself. I feel bad about the whole cutting his finger off situation.

But I don't think it's my job to pay for his bone-headed mistake. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you, love boy George. What? Yes. This podcast is brought to you by Garbage Disposals.

How do you tell someone to just slice his finger off that you're not going to pay for his hospital bill? It almost seems like he sliced his finger off and then made up this story to get his bills paid for. Or he just really wanted cash and this was his crazy way of getting it. His get-rich-quick scheme.

It's weird because his friend didn't even ask him to do this favor. It's like if I stole your car, ran an errand, got hit, and asked you to pay for the car insurance. It's only fair, I feel bad that you got hit by a car. But it's hard to say no to someone whose finger is dangling off.

I think it's pretty easy to say no to him. Yeah. It's funny that he mentioned onions. I don't know. I guess I left some onions on a plate. It's also kind of gross.

He shouldn't have left onions on the plate. I think you need to apologize for the onion thing and say I'm sorry that your finger got chopped off but it's not my responsibility to pay for your medical bill. Yeah, he didn't know how to use a garbage disposal. That's the first thing they teach you

is to turn it off when you shove your hand down. Yeah, that's garbage disposal 101. At the very least 102. At the very least 202. I'm actually taking an advanced course in garbage disposal. And what do they say about carrots? I know onions are no-go with them pushing it in.

I've not gotten there yet. What about a cucumber? Cucumbers are fine. Chicken, meat and bone? That is just you can go down there? Two hours later. Our hands are both nubs. What about a beet?

Or a green onion? Fuck me, I'm up to the elbow. A scallion. What about my finger bones? He basically said, oh I used your blender to make a smoothie and it sliced my finger off. Give me cash for that. If you misuse the product

you can't demand money, right? I don't know how suing works. Can I sue you? Like say I borrowed a pair of your pants and then I walked to the store and I fell down and I got hit by a car and I said, your pants were too constricting. They impeded my stride

and I got run over by a bus. You owe me cash? I feel like I've read a story like that. At least we'll settle out a suit. Yeah, you don't want to take this to a jury. Right, especially if I've got money to defend myself. Holy shit. I'll leave your ass in litigation for months and months.

Bleed both of us dry. You're hatching a plan in front of all of our friends right now. You are borrowing my pants right now. These are your pants right now. Do they look good on them or what? Show them. Strike your stuff.

I feel bad. Come on, strike your style. Can we queue up weed and boys real quick? I don't know but you just play Wiz Khalifa at random but I'd really love it if it would just pop on the speaker system

all of a sudden. Weed and Boys by Wiz Khalifa. Without delay. One, here it is. Five, four, three, two, one. Go. Aye. Yeah. Aye.

Yeah. Boys. Yeah. Hala, Hala. Hala. Weed and Boys. Weed and Boys. Hala. Weed and Boys. Hala.

We make noise, Hala. It's pretty good. Marty, is that you back there? We'll make it tighter. Is that Marty back there? Marty? It is? Give it up for Marty, everybody. Yeah.

Yeah, he nailed it after the second countdown. Marty is actually our little intern. So if you've been around after the show, dare you. He beat you up earlier today. Yeah, right.

Bullshit. I should go on to the next question. This guy doesn't... It's easy to say, oh, I'm sorry for what happened to you. This guy is such a coward, he doesn't deserve your money or a finger. You think he got what was prematurely deserved to him?

I think he's not allowed to have a finger for this. His other finger needs to be taken away. Like some sort of Saudi jail prison sentence where you have to get your finger cut off if you lied about it. That's right. ISIS comes back just like that.

That's the second ISIS reference. We're trying to set a goddamn record here at the North Door. The record is three. Which is kind of a lot. Wow. Set ten years ago. Pretty weird.

We should look into that. Very formative. And informative. Question the third? Do you need a guy or a girl? Crandis. Crandis has followed us to Austin. Crandis is interchangeable.

Oh yeah, this is a dude. I'm hearing Crandis from all over the place. You haven't stopped hearing Crandis. I actually sleep hearing Crandis. Alright, Crandis writes. How's it going guys? Long time listener. First time writing in. But this is an issue that I've had for a while.

I know I'm not gay. I 100% like girls. Pretty sure I'm not exactly bisexual since I don't find manly looking men attractive. I feel like I could properly have sex with a transsexual without any real issues.

In fact, I would not hesitate if given the chance. But that's beside the point. It's not. Now, I'm not sure that I can have sex with someone that identifies as male though. That being said, in the end I don't think I can have sex

with a manly man, but if it was a girly guy I probably could. Thanks. P.S. I wouldn't have sex with either of you. Not saying you guys aren't good looking, but

just so you could use this as a reference as to what kind of guys I would have sex with. Love Crandis. Alright, great question. Let's give it up for Crandis. Best part of all? Not a question. I don't know if you guys noticed this, but I read a paragraph

with no question mark. This was a fucked up SAT word problem. This is a logic game. I know I'm not gay. That being said, I would fuck guys. That being said,

I don't think I can have sex with a manly man. Only a girly guy. Thanks. No, thank you, Crandis. I don't know how to parse this into logical formations that I can sort of figure out what the fuck is going on. But it seems like he's maybe

not that it's bad, but it seems like he's a little bit gay. Sure. I mean, if you say you want to fuck a guy, I want to fuck a girly guy, but it's still a guy which is still gay. Yeah. And that's fine. But you're just wrong when you say you're not gay.

He thinks he's not gay because he wouldn't have sex with every guy. Right. But that's not real. So like, because I'm not attracted to every girl in the world, I'm not straight. But that's not sure you are attracted to every girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have a... I don't have no type.

Bad bitches, yeah, they're absolutely the only thing that you like. The only type I like. Also Brunette, specifically. And good bitches, they're fine. Don't want to pigeonhole anybody. I have literally no type. Yes. Crandis,

if you would fuck a guy, then you're a little gay. Homophobe. That's fair. I never looked at it like that, actually. I think he, for some reason, he thinks that I'm not gay is a negative thing. So he's like, I'm not gay, I would just have sex with a girly guy. But that's...

He's projecting on himself. Yeah. So maybe if he thinks like, oh, it's okay that I'm a little bit gay. Right. I don't even know how to answer this because it's, once again, not a question. All he needs is a positive push in the right direction and he wants to fuck a girly guy and that's fine and that's beautiful.

So everybody, let's say, Crandis, it's okay if you want to fuck a girly guy, that's fine, that's beautiful. I did. Okay, are you ready? One, two, three, Crandis, it's okay if you want to fuck a girly guy. Totally perfect. You're a bad motivational speaker.

Guys, repeat after me. It's okay. I have a stuttering problem. Everybody, yeah, yes, we can. Ready? One, two, hold it. On seven, six, eight, shit.

I skipped it again. Damn it. Thank you all so much for buying tickets to my seminar. I don't know why anyone would trust me. No, we all walk across coal. What should we do now? Are you guys also drinking? It's not just us, right?

Toadah. Water. Cheers. I feel like I want to get to know these people a little more. We keep talking about these assholes. They're stuck in my phone. Yeah, let's get to know a real person. Is there anybody?

Oh, yeah, yeah, just by a show of hands, whose birthday is today? What are the odds that this many people... Is it actually your birthday? January 24th? 1989? It doesn't matter. Oh, you know what we should do

is the birthday video for my daddy. Oh, yeah, that's a nice idea. I didn't get my daddy a gift. So in lieu of that, can we raise the house lights and I can take a video of you guys saying happy birthday, Dr. Blumenfeld? Is that too formal?

Dr. Blumenfeld? Happy birthday, Derone. Absolutely. So you guys, I'm going to say one, two, three... Holy shit, everyone's hot. Wow. Oh, this is great. So I'm going to say one, two, three, and then you guys say

happy birthday, Derone. That's D-O-R-O-N. And then I'm going to send this to him. Ready? I'm going to stand a little far back just because we can't... This is great. There's so many people here. They're coming. I'm going to count.

One, two, three... Happy birthday, Derone. This is great. Now I don't have to get him a tire or some shit. Oh, shit. You raised. That was a face time. Is that a funeral?

Bad on him. For picking up. Let's get to one more question. Nice. Good laugh, actually. No, just quick. Oh, I opened Uber. It's coming for me, dude.

I have to fucking get in an Uber now. A Civic. Shit. Oh, no. His name is Raul and I have to get in a Civic. He's fucking here. What are the fucking odds of that? 4.7 stars in everything. I have to accept.

All right. Jake, you find a dude's name. I'm overwhelmed. Wait, everyone, everyone. Everyone be very, very, very, very quiet. Complete silence. That's what I was ready for.

One person to keep on disobeying. And it was you, Chandler, right? Chandlin? Chandlin? Is that an actual guy's name that you've heard? Chandlin. What's Chandlin's last name? Nothing.

Chandlin Kraus. I've talked that a lot. Hey, Chandlin Kraus. Good to meet you. Brother. I wonder why we both yelled that. Sometimes it's a little creepy. Chandlin Kraus writes,

Hey, guys, huge fan of the show. I need advice on social networking. I've been trying to get Taylor Swift to tweet at me for a while now. Probably the past two years or so. Let me tell you, nothing has worked. My girlfriend and my mom thinks it's starting to make me look

sad, desperate, and pathetic. So now I really need Taylor to tweet at me. So that I can prove to them I'm not wasting my time tweeting at her. What's the best way to get a celeb to tweet at you?

Keep in mind, I'm 24, only 339 days younger than her, if that makes a difference. Thanks, love, Chandler Krauso. I was gonna say, shit, I'm thrown off. He's only 329? Shit, so he's only

Is that your advice? To be older? If you could get under 300, she would tweet at you. She tweets at anyone that's a little bit older. It's starting to be sad and pathetic. I would say somewhere before year two it was sad and pathetic.

Maybe sometime around year one or week one. Or literally one. One. The first time you did it it was a little sad before you were born. It was sad. But he thinks if I can now

just get Taylor to tweet at me it would prove to them, haha, it wasn't sad. Look. She felt so bad for me. She tweeted at me. There's not a tweet that she could tweet that would make it worth it. What if she's like,

hey dude, I'm your friend now. The effort you put in makes me realize that I want to be friends with you. I just figured that we're only 339 days apart. So now I'm willing to let you fuck me. Then it would be worth the two years of effort.

Yeah. I don't know about her. But I'm feeling 20. I've reached an impasse. Are we trying to rhyme or come up with their actual age? I don't know, I had an aneurysm. Really? Yeah.

Good thing we sent that birthday video to your dad. So what do you think? What's the best way to get a celeb to tweet at you? I guess not to do it incessantly. I think if you do it every single day for two years, she's actively at this point trying to ignore you because she thinks that you're going to stab her.

Which I also think you might stab her. Which is not a bad option. Oh, what if you stab her? I hadn't even thought about that. So how would that go down? So he holds a knife to his throat. I'll be Taylor Swift. I've got a switch play.

I'll tweet at you. It's good. And now it's worth it. But just for good measure. Why? Oh no. If Taylor Swift dies anytime soon she gets played at the trial.

Just us two sitting on... Your honor. I plead the fifth. Is that a thing I can do? Does that help me here? Not saying anything. Which is what I should have done in the first place. Son, you should have plead the fifth

on stage. Order! Order! You're going to hell. That's right. It's the court of public opinion. It's a magic gavel. Which is the name of our new sitcom we're writing. Magic Gavel.

Coming to CBS this fall. Only on ABC. That's right. It's coming to CBS only on ABC. It's a multi-channel network. Imagine a show so good it's on twice. At the same time. This is me at a pitch meeting.

And that's silence. Same deafening silence. Leave. Of course I was already on my way out. But now that I'm here... Ah! Ah! God, you carry that letter opener everywhere. Um...

Where were we before we took that detour into killing Taylor Swift? Do you ever tweet at people that tweet at you? You're a celebrity to some. I once tweeted at Alex Huddle to... Oh, so you was... He's a climber. I wanted him to tweet at me. So I said I was a big fan and he wrote back, thanks.

Really? How close are you to him in age? Maybe that's... It's probably around 329 days, actually. The fact that he knows it to the day is so creepy. I should kill Alex Huddle. You're right.

I did not say that. I did absolutely not say that. If Half Dome couldn't do it, I can. Call me Half Dome. Because that's what my dick resembles. It's not fair. Uh, my official advice is delete your Tinder, uh, Twitter account.

And your Tinder. You have a girlfriend. Delete your Tinder. Oh, how sad is that for the girlfriends? Like, oh, baby, you're going to be so fucking proved wrong when Taylor Swift tweets back at me. Look at me. Yeah, that's why I don't believe in True Love.

That's why? Yeah, dude. No matter how much he loves his girlfriend, if Taylor Swift tweeted back like, hey, I'll suck your dick, you'd be like, yeah, I'm down. True Love could always be undercut by Taylor Swift saying I'll blow you. What about the guy that dates

Taylor Swift? I feel like Nicki Minaj could say she would blow him. And then after Nick, how deep down the rabbit hole did this go? What's the fourth? Between those two, True Love doesn't exist. So you can only have True Love if Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift suck your dick at the same time.

Wow. The ejaculate is a rainbow. That would be True Love. And that's the truest love of all. And that's why he's tweeting at her. It's beautiful. He's chasing that rainbow. Uh, alright. Let's take a break. Let's chat. Let's relax. Let's chill.

Let's chat. If you're listening at home, we're going to take a quick commercial break and we'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation

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You do that today. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online but you're still getting professional

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I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me. Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season. A summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website?

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free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code ifiru to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace. Do we have time for one last question? Or is it over? Do you guys have time for one last question?

One last question. Alright. We're back. People at home are listening once again. Wasn't Jake very proud and strong for telling that story? I like the booze. Thank you. The booze are just from a few choice policemen.

Who are here? Yeah, one time we should come back and I'm getting arrested. If you do come back to Austin, you probably will get arrested after telling that. That's fair. Okay. Here we go. We finally have a question from

a lady. What? Taylor. I heard Taylor from over there somewhere. Is it really? You're named after a girl. Hahaha. Your name is bad.

Your name is a mere schmuel. Enough. Schmuel. I'm afraid you talked over the middle name. I had to say it one more time. If it was Samuel, you wouldn't think twice you anti-Semite. You absolutely are an anti-Semite

for that. Schmuel. I'm kind of drunk actually. You dropped your photo on the ground. Can I read it? No. I was publicly shut down by Schmuel just then.

Do you want to read it? It's kind of long. I do want to read it. I do want big words, but sound them out, bud. Hey, remember what noise the C.H. makes? Schoo, schoo, schoo, schmuel. Give it to me. You're playing Crossy Road. Have you guys played Crossy Road yet?

It's a free game that Jake downloaded, and we became kind of obsessed with over the last 24 hours. Look into it. What's your high score? 214. Anybody beat that on Crossy Road? That's right, and I get the fuck out. Okay.

Hey, guys. Taylor writes, I recently broke up with my boyfriend because of some questionable acts. Even though he may not have physically cheated, he has not blurred the lines. But yet he is defiant that he remained faithful to me through it all.

He idolizes you guys and respects your opinion way more than mine. That sign. So I would like for you to clarify cheating according to his recent behavior. Act one. I snooped and found a Facebook message of his

with a slutty girl from college. He basically told her he could have her if he wanted and entertain the idea of a future meetup. When I, that's right, he isn't dick. When I confronted him about it, he said neither of us would ever see her again so it didn't mean anything. Act two.

I snooped and found in conversation with his friends, incredibly detailed accounts of threesomes he had in college with girls that I knew well, friends of mine. I'm talking details down to the contours of vaginas. When I confronted him about it,

he said he made those stories up with his friends entertainment and he never had sex with those girls. Act three. My boss's daughter took me aside at work and told me that she matched my boyfriend on Tinder. She showed me the entire conversation and my boyfriend invited her to drinks

and told her we were no longer together. When I confronted him about it, he said he wanted to see her. She recognized him. It was all a joke. A goop for fun and sport. He obviously enjoys the attention even if he doesn't intend for it to go anywhere.

He honestly believes that he was faithful to me the whole time and is incredibly offended that I thought he cheated. Do any of these qualify? At what point should I have ended it? Love. Love, Taylor. She's overreacting.

She was snooping. You snooped. If you snooped, then you got two. Intermission. Act four. I walk in on my boyfriend going down on a girl. He turns around and says,

no, no, no, come closer. As you can see, my tongue is still a centimeter away from her labia. If so, facto, I've caught you in a snooping situation again. Encore. My boyfriend is literally butt-fucking my mother.

He says it's not cheating if it's still genetically you. That's fair and true. This guy is a magician. He has a prestige. He's a slippery little poodle. He's a lawyer. He's a snake oil salesman magician.

A politician for sure. I love that he has it out every time. As you can see, this didn't really happen. He's a master of the sleight of hand. But every time, it's very, very close. I feel like you got to add up these almost-cheatings into one mega-cheat.

I mean, flirting is, like you said... An entire room full of people can't be wrong. Did he cheat on her? Yes! You couldn't really hear it because there was a lot of yes and no's, but the answer was yes. What he did was... That cheating is only cheating

if the person getting cheated on feels as though she's been cheated. Yes, that's what I said. I stand by that, your honor. You can't... So you're saying you can't be wrong. If you think he cheated, then he did, by definition,

cheat. I don't want to be pigeonholed like that. There's a line, of course there's a line. She's on the right side of it, though. So... If after the first one, he did not cheat. If after the second one...

Are there any Jews in the house? We are in Texas. This sounds like Dianoo. Which is like a song about a... Oh, God did this, but not... One guy knows it. That's my rabbi. Shmuel himself. I bring him everywhere.

The point is, this guy got away with a little bit, and then he did a little bit more, and then how much more can you possibly give him? How much slack can you give him? I think the best bet is to just get rid of him right off the bat. True or false? True or false?

Why did you say false? Oh, my God, that's the guy. That's you? Shit, man, you have the coolest Patagonia here. How can he be so wrong? So in your mind, cheating is just if he kisses someone, he's just flirted with girls over chat.

He's just talking. Thoughts? Do you have a girlfriend? And would you feel like if she was talking to some guy and saying, hey, I'm single, I'd like to meet up and fuck you? Would you feel like that was good?

Would you feel like you were in a healthy committed relationship if that happened? Would you say possibly? You know what, dude, I have been texting your girlfriend. Yes! That's the reaction I wanted.

Let's... Can we bring up Audrey Scott? Cause we're done. Yeah, yeah, yeah, guys, this has been so amazing. One of our best live shows ever. Thank you so much. Much like the beginning of every show, with the theme song, Audrey's written so many.

So if you guys want, let's have her back on stage and sing one more song for us. And then after the show we'll be somewhere to hang out if you guys want to like take a photo or hug Jake. I'm a germaphobe, so don't touch me, but

oh no. Hi. There's a guitar chord somewhere on this stage. I am. This is the shit they don't want you to see. Alright. There are

funny and they like to help you out if I were you if I were you if you want advice to tell you what to do if I were you if I were you

the show starts now. Audrey Scott! Thank you guys very, very much. Hey, it's Emily from the Sex with Emily podcast. My podcast is all about

helping you get the relationship and sex life you deserve. For over 10 years, I've helped millions of people get what they want in and out of the bedroom. On my show, you'll learn sex tips, relationship tips, and I guarantee you will be more confident, get more

and give more pleasure and have better sex just by listening to my show. Sex with Emily on podcast one. That's O and E.