If I Were You - 133: Bro-Job

Episode Date: February 5, 2015

In this episode we discuss bad Tinder dates and worse friends.This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com, BlueApron.com, and Berries.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

I'll take you to my podcast app, and listen to an hour of you, go ahead and play it boo, so we can hear them too, whoa, you can watch it all day, how many minutes, you can turn that shit up or make me spill my cup, audience rising, okay, let's go to a live show, gotta hear Jake to talk, no, I already know, oh, I see a smoke show, I got damn done, I just wanna take Kurt out and have a good time, gotta text jake.com, if I were you it's the motherfucking bomb, Josh in a mirror, oh fuck I mean Jake in a mirror, pay $300, got a billboard, getting emails, no callers, they're just a bunch of ballers, there's the best thing yet, call them the best, they can make your girl wet, oh wait mom, mom stop listening, stop listening mommy, mommy, love you

things actually got real, take you to my podcast app, and listen to if I were you, keep playing and never stop, keep going till you seize the cheese, whoa Justin, gon calvis, gon salvis, gon calvs, g-o-n-c-a-l-v-e-s, I'm Amir Blumenfeld and I'm hosting solo, 23 minutes of China for nuts, could be g-o-n-c-a-l-vs, could be Jean the most downloaded episode, it's amazing how many times he said his last name, performance art, Justin gon salvis, that is a sexy beat, oh that's the candy shop, that was a candy shop parody, right, right, it's a sexy beat, oh because it kind of sounds like belly dancing, oh yeah yeah, yeah there's nothing sexier than belly dancing, right, except for the fact that ethnic people

always do it, hi this is it, no wait, it sounds like I agreed with him, and I didn't, this guy wanted me to shout out his youtube channel which is sketch films with a z for the number and life, sketch films for life, Justin gon salvis, you do the work and we'll promote your shit, yeah, is that fair, is that good, is that nice to you, yeah, uh you think he based that off the fact that we answered that question about a girl who sang candy shop while going down on the guy and he became instantly limp and laughed at her, right, and that dude in Justin gon salvis, yeah, heard that and he was like I've got an idea, and then he spent the next two weeks in the studio, yeah, laying down the track, yeah, I want to go to a studio, I wish you'd have a podcast studio,

oh that'd be nice, remember rec room, oh fuck, I miss Adrian Grenier so much, well we never met him, yeah but sometimes I just, you know, miss him, I miss his hospitality, you don't have to meet someone to miss them, absolutely you do, no I miss Adrian Grenier every day, I guess you can miss a celebrity, you can, right, I miss Sarah Michelle Geller, do you, I miss what we used to have, yeah, which was what, you watching her a lot, like I guess, yeah, like I really liked Buffy and I thought she was really pretty, did you like Buffy, well I think I had a crush on Buffy and uh and Joey from Dawson's Creek, and Joey from France, yeah, I thought Matt LeBlanc and Sarah Michelle Geller were my two big crushes, I had like that was the first, do you remember the

first girl you hung on your wall, I don't know if I ever hung a girl on my wall, really never, I had like athletes and comedians, I had a poster of Butterbean the Boxer at 1.2, well so that was like your wall was decorated with, yeah like Lakers posters and Raiders posters, and then like one Conan Got Milk ad, really, yeah, that's pretty funny, and what did you put up, um Chicks, it was, yeah, I made a collage of Sarah Michelle Geller and Katie Holmes, oh yeah, they were hot, they were hot for sure, yeah, and who did they end up with, oh week two of the, still going strong, yeah, I love that, I'm on the tail end, yeah, the diosha, a week in, a week, oh yeah, let's hope we don't ever trade mics accidentally, what about the fact

that you're in my bed just coughing up to the sky like you're, like a fireworks, the germs are going up and then falling down onto the whole bed like a willow tree, like a weeping willow, really parading down on us, absolutely, like fireflies, honestly I've been so sick you deserve to feel this way too, it's not fair that I should do it alone, how fucking dare you, yeah, I deserve to be sick because you're sick, yeah, you think so, uh-huh, you know how I would just like wouldn't be fair if one person got AIDS or something, absolutely it would be, one person had cancer, it wouldn't be fair to that person, but not to spread it out so everyone deals with the sadness equally, how about making sure everyone's healthy, instead of making you healthy your ideal world is

me also being sick, I think we should be in it together, I think that sounds nice, what if you're healthy and I'm sick, that's fine, honestly that's preferable, do you hear how bad that sounds, well because in one way we're both sick, that's not good and then one way I'm fine and that's nice, absolutely that's what it's going on right now, I'm fine and you're sick, honestly I would definitely, I would trade anything to have you be sick, even if I didn't have to make you, if I could trade anything just for my health, yeah, I would just trade for you, I would trade my health for you you're stuck to an anchor at the bottom of the ocean and you want to drag me down with you and then I don't want to be brought to the surface, I want everyone else drowned, no but also you're

saying it would be perfect, then it'd be nice if I spent some time in the sun, so best case scenario we're both healthy, best case scenario I'm healthy you're dead, unreal, unreal digging a bigger hole for you, hey this is a fire you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me, I'm Amir, I'm Jake and yeah how would you say this, like what would you say the rules are to this podcast if you were to describe it, I guess I would say that people find themselves in sticky situations and they email us to help advise them out of those situations, what's the email address, if you're if you're find yourself in your own difficult place, well yeah if you find yourself in a difficult situation or by the way if you have a theme song, you just email a fireworkshow

at gmail.com, oh that's great, ask away, so if anybody's listened to the show for the first time those are the rules, and we apologize for explaining them at the nine minute mark of every single episode, do you want to hop right into it, I guess why not, what is this person's name gonna be, oh people on your wall, okay so this is a lady so this is a real email from a real person we're gonna give them fake names to preserve their anonymity, Jake what would what should we call this Jessica Simpson, put her on my wall in college, you have a type, heartthrob chicks, hot teas, girls that are hot, stupid hot, I have a type, hot girls are the only things that I like, I have it right, yeah okay, so Jessica Simpson writes I recently went on my first tinder date

ooh and it was bad, oh no, so bad, I guess it could have been worse because at least the guy wasn't a creep but still, bad, so what happened was that I liked his four pictures, fun enough bio and after speaking with him for a couple of hours that day I went over to his place to watch a movie, the guy that greets me at the door looks almost nothing like his tinder pictures and I immediately just want to bail, I see that it's the same guy because he wears the same glasses in his pictures but his hair is so different and he's a bit on the heavy side, I'm not a skinny girl so the extra pounds don't bother me but his face is so different from the pictures so they would have to either be really old or are airbrushed, weird, anyway we chat for a bit choose a movie he's

nice and friendly but I cannot get over the hole you don't look anything like your profile picture thing, then he comes closer and closer on the couch strokes my hand and kind of puts his arm around me and I cringe so bad, I keep my arms crossed over my chest trying not to give him any encouragement while at the same time trying not to be but feeling like it a complete bitch, I leave as soon as the movie finishes, give him a goodbye hug and a nice to get to know you face, a minute later he texts me saying he had a great time blah blah blah so my questions are, how do I better judge a guy's pictures on Tinder so I don't feel like bailing if I decide I want to try this again and also should I try this again, am I being a shallow bitch, I mean he was a nice

guy but I just wasn't attracted to him like I was the other one, like I was the way he was in his pictures, should I have tried harder or been more open minded, more importantly though I don't want to be rude or mean how can I show a guy I'm just not interested in him so that he stops hitting on me or touching me please help I really want to date and use Tinder but I don't want this to happen again it was just so disappointing love Jessica Simpson wow it was a long email to explain that she had a bad date yeah I fell asleep during the tail end well no but I say good work good on you and you must have really fall asleep I fell asleep at the beginning help why did I just reread it we edit this part out don't edit this just fucking go with it

well let me give you the cliffs notes if anybody else also stopped paying attention this girl found a guy on Tinder that she thought was attractive showed up at his house and was like oh no that's not the same guy that I thought I had a crush on right then she held his hand and is afraid she but she still feels like a bitch she's afraid she said the wrong message yada yada yada how could you avoid this happening again major advice number one I feel like we're both thinking the same thing let's not have the first Tinder date be at the guy's house yeah that's a that's a second to fourth date that's like uh oh no no no no no no don't do that like a red a red flag no that's like a what's a dangerous flag that's a that's just a landmine yeah that's bad news it's

it's dangerous I would say it's borderline maybe too dangerous yeah you don't know this guy really Tinder is like specifically filled with a ton of creeps right so you don't want to go to their house even if their pictures look cool and they seem normal yeah anybody can seem normal over text yes so many murders are like recapped with he seems so normal so first date good suggestion is public setting yeah get a drink perhaps a meal right uh coffee yeah anywhere where like a bunch of onlookers would stop if he uh stop him if he tried to murder you yeah or hold your hand right or worse hold your hand and that's true because like he feels like it's such an intimate setting for first date and he feels like I think I can hold it's like almost weird if you don't cuddle a little

bit when you're watching movie what are you gonna do just sit there yeah by your side well another problem is movies are um at least two hours yeah you're you're the good thing about a drink date is that a drink can last 25 minutes and you're like you know what this is uh I'm getting late sorry I don't feel well sorry someone's texting me sorry I gotta go a million reasons you can you can't do that in the middle of a movie it's kind of comfortable talk during a movie so that's insane yeah that's a first date like first dates are where are you from what's your relationship to your family you learn about the other person yeah talk just yeah chat so the setting was bad and also the idea was bad watching something right um and lastly you're never a bitch if you're not attracted to

someone that's fine yeah that happens all the time people put their best pictures online right and when you meet often like 98% of the time you meet someone they're gonna look worse yes so yeah that's a good rule of thumb for this not to happen again just know that everyone you're meeting with chose of the like thousands of photos were tagged in on facebook oh yeah they found four good ones which is no matter how ugly you are you can find four good ones four good pictures is pretty easy yeah so just know that they're gonna be like uglier than their photos sure so if you're like on the fence like oh this person's all right looking i guess i'll meet up then they're really unattractive yeah right off the bat just know that they're an ugly person right yeah i feel bad for

saying that they're ugly but like i mean you're not attracted to them and you're like sort of trying to get yourself like oh okay i guess they're okay like no you won't be attracted to them so next tinder date one better setting more public space two um say tempier expectations this guy is probably you know uh not as attractive as photos yeah and then now that you uh are armed with this stuff you sort of learn the hard way that's true because you went through this date and worse comes to worse this guy or it could have been a lot worse is what i'm saying yeah this guy got murdered yeah for example you're still alive so that's and that's a positive yeah uh this guy doesn't seem to have creeped you out you said it wasn't that creepy so that's good held her hand

yeah or tried to hold her hand and he kept it full she kept it folded in front of her on the couch that's a cult can you imagine what movie they saw what dry what do you think the worst movies that they could have seen um lost and found with david spade that's it that's a great film and sephia lorenne yeah yeah where he kidnaps a woman's dog and then puts up lost photo like lost dog or yeah or he says found dog what is it i don't remember he kidnaps a hot woman's white uh dog and that oh and then she puts up lost photo like oh i lost my dog and then he's like oh i rescued him that's a pretty solid i can't believe that's it that sounds like a sketch it's an entire movie yeah well spade was hot in the late 90s right um here's another bad movie it could have been um the player what's the player

it's with tim robbins okay i don't remember anything about it other than the fact that i didn't like it when i was 12 i yeah i don't remember i's already forgot the name of it i already just i was asleep i feel like you're just tired yeah that might be it yeah here's another um one that would be bad if it was um um uh for love of the game was that one kevin costner baseball movie i liked it but it just wouldn't have been a great movie for them not a great date movie no what about this one what dreams may come oh that would be a nice one it's sort of like a bittersweet movie with starring robin williams so it's like just like this air of sadness to it right well especially because it's about death and suicide specifically oh really yeah yeah that would

be a bad first date movie definitely it's pretty heavy hashtag bad first date movies i feel like we're starting some sort of at midnight a sequel would be a really really bad one the second what dreams may come yeah what dreams may come to what nightmares have happened uh do we have any more advice for this lady or is that it um yeah i don't i and i i just want to reiterate that she shouldn't feel like a a bitch for being cold to someone like it's to just not be into them is very normal i guess like i would feel awkward if i was not into them in such an intimate setting right but that goes with the uh next time don't go to someone's house that you don't know try to put yourself in places where you'll automatically feel comfortable yeah like a church or a synagogue

or a mosque a restaurant or a bar that's you'll feel comfortable and good there rather than a stranger's house yeah the end toda toda uh all right let's wait one of your favorite restaurants that's a nice one good on you her what's better wake up what are you talking about you woke up late in the ninth inning but he but he pitched three strikes and you specified restaurant as one of your favorite restaurants yeah i just think like if that's that'll make you feel extra comfy when you choose a rest oh you know what another one a good restaurant i forgot to mention no i don't like yeah first date that's what you did you specified it was she would have chosen one of her favorite restaurants that's not necessarily true at all that's not true you're

squeezing my ankle you little fucker you little shit get back here you little turd all right now read the next question bitch how dare you now i have to do it now i am one you've been doing that to me a lot yeah just stuff that i'm gonna do anyway you use demand that it be done and then call someone a bitch yeah so like we're coming over from the store unlock the door bitch yeah so i'm going to unlock the door park the car bitch it's a fun little game for you guys to play with your friends you really want to be a dick like that's all like if the if your house phone rings and someone's about to pick it up you say pick it up bitch and then they do it sounds like a john wolf story it's true it's such a global thing to do it is perfectly legal perfectly subtle very enjoyable

i haven't heard about global in a bit i guess i've been out of the game i think he's laying low i that's actually i hate that more than anything yeah the fact that you know something's up yeah this is the it's the calm before the storm or it's the eye of the store maybe yeah like we don't know what schemes are in motion years sometimes goes into these things you know what he does is he adds sentences to wikipedia articles just that aren't necessarily wrong they're just like fine it's like like there's like like for example the wikipedia page for pillow yeah he'll go to a paragraph and he'll be like it'll be like types of pillows throw pillows husband pillows and then he'll add one that says novelty pillows pillows in the shape of

characters it's not wrong but why add that you're not adding value he's just making things different it's such a freaking global shit you have such a problem with it that one to me borderline sounds really okay you think so i mean novelty pillows are a type i guess but like why add that why this is actually what he wanted us arguing about it yeah and now it turns into a thing god i fucking hate that yeah he'll go into my phone you know he'll go into my phone sometimes he'll hack it he'll act and he'll do like an autocorrect thing so like one time i for whatever reason i fucking type lava like in a text to somebody yeah and it auto changed it to laa va so like it just looked like i did a typo yeah but it's just a obscure word i actually

asked him he said his fingerprint unlocks almost 800 800 iphone maybe that's why his name is global yeah like he has a skeleton every time he sees a phone unlocked he'll he'll match his thumbprint to it it's crazy he's like the universal donor but much more specific to unlock almost any phone he really is global in that way the global donor all right next question uh it's from a guy uh i'll say eddie jones because he'll he was on one of my leaker posters nice eddie jones writes hey guys i'm a 23 year old guy there's a subreddit called dirty pen pals the point is to find people to exchange either short-term dirty message or more elaborate role play scenarios there's some weird stuff on there but that's not what i'm into posts that are labeled something like female for male

which means sorry posts that are labeled like f for m which means female for male is a female looking for a male a few days ago i responded to an f for f post without telling the other person that i'm a guy and it went well and the other person i was talking with told me that they came for real during the finale of the scene i thought this would be one night dirty talk deal but after it went well she wanted to carry on and do another scenario while we were discussing what the next scene would involve she asked me about myself i think i was vague enough to avoid confirming my gender for certain it isn't all that easy to find a regular writing partner on r slash dirty pen pals i think the woman on there must get flooded with messages whenever they post so it

would be a shame to let this one go from a couple of comments she made i think we're probably in different countries so the chances that it would ever go beyond pen pals is low i enjoyed our first conversation but i'm not sure how far i should go in order to keep up this insanely hot dirty talk i enjoy writing and my current job job involves boring academic stuff most of the time it's not really a hobby but writing dirty scenarios is way more fun should i keep going she seems nice and i really don't want to mess her around but it's also really fun sincerely eddie jones that is really tough he's pretending to be a woman on a dirty pen pals so we can talk to another woman and he feels guilty yeah does he think do you think he has to tell the truth well i guess the truth is

that the other woman he's talking to is also a guy oh no does he know that does he know that everybody's saying f for m or f for f for any like it's all m's that's all m and it's all four f's yeah um like a bad report card it's all an m and then four f's it seems like it should be fun even if it isn't girl because it's all fantasy right right i just can't imagine like what he's writing to get off is what like he's writing to this girl and he's saying like yeah we're rubbing our vaginas together yeah i i wouldn't necessarily think that was that i mean you would want to mention your penis in one some of these things right yeah maybe he can transition to that like oh can i like role play as a guy yeah that's kind of cool i feel like yeah i wouldn't feel guilty at all he's i mean it's

like guilty and this is the whitest lie of all it's totally not harmful right it's just text yeah these chat rooms nobody is like who they say they are yeah it's all it's fantasy it's an escape that's the idea and i really really do genuinely believe that you're talking to another man so if you convince yourself of that and then it's like oh we both have this implicit agreement that we're just lying to each other then it's completely fine yeah have you ever done something like this this dirty pen pal thing um i've ever done sex chats yeah when i was like middle school but i would do them with my friends like me and two other dudes would be in one of those chat rooms trying to meet girls so like trying to cyber cyber yeah but like i'm sure we were only cybering with other three

dudes yeah teenagers just fucking each other it's dudes cybering with dudes that's all it is our slash can i see a picture of your tits and they'll like send a picture of some random like tits that they found online that aren't a real person well they're a real person but nobody knows yeah a real person yeah real tits for sure absolutely uh so it's okay to be lying because everyone on the internet is lying about their identity everyone's lying about everything even like your fucking friends on instagram they're lying about shit you know no i don't yeah like you take a picture of some food you're like this is best best breakfast ever but like it wasn't really the best breakfast ever was it you're like taking a picture like oh my my legs by a pool it's paradise but like

you're getting sunburned and you're gassy yeah so you're not like that comfortable i've seen you comment on a lot of photos just every like we live in this world where everything's idyllic and the shareability of everything is you it's just tied to this pristine ideal you have this i don't i don't stand for it you don't stand for it i won't buy into it and you do have it because it's filtered and you have you know what everything that is it's filtered and it's cropped so it needs to be pilfered because it's cropped and stopped i'm serious yeah life doesn't fit in the square instagram sometimes you have to make shit it exists outside the phone and it's ugly and it's dirty and and it's not perfect and i can't double tap it if i like something because because feelings are more

complicated than that because i like things and i love things and i hate things and i'm indifferent towards things and i forget about them too so so don't don't minimize my entire experience into a goddamn heart in the lower left hand corner of a screen i'm a human being i'm made of stardust i am alive with a beating heart as he speaks into a microphone for a podcast to be uploaded into somebody my friend someone else can listen to it i'm gonna go to bed after this uh double tap that you know what to edit the podcast bitch upload the podcast bitch actually all of your comments all of the captions on your instagram photos are please give me dap double tap yeah most of my i'm most of my captions are like my full name so they people

could find me on venmo yeah just send me money yeah if you like this picture send me some cash but for other photos it's like are you sure this was your best breakfast ever stop bragging about a sunset you saw nobody gives a shit you're on a hashtag beach right hashtag way to take this photo of your eggs while they got cold loser that's that's like the type of shit i would say right yeah it's like cute little funny stuff no it's not it's very global no i channel global a lot on instagram he's actually now calls himself global what yeah like a local global hybrid thing yeah he's like because he was spent some time in the south like he was like yeah i'm a local yokel absolutely it's so bizarre like on people a lot of what he does is just bizarre yeah and it's like there's nothing

you can even say or do it just it's just disruptive and it's weird just to get back to the wikipedia thing he updated my wikipedia page what is he right there he changed my birthday from january 18th to jan period 18 that's so great local congratulations local you made it a little shorter a little abbreviated global i appreciate it yep pissant fucker just i'm like my page seems small i don't even fucking get it i don't know what to what end it was like in shortening the month it didn't it's fucking it confounds me and like i you can see who does the revisions on wikipedia pages and you can trace the ip and global's fucking i he guess he uses a proxy because it's all over the place obsessed you're obsessed and i think that's actually a problem but it's yeah i don't know this

is local's plan but like it's not i'm actually viewing you as a villain right now what yeah that's exactly what he fucking wanted when he did this this is just i'm like very perturbed listening to you talk about it it's like perturbing absolutely and it's really a way you in a way that's not healthy and yeah it makes me think less of you not him it's kind of like deflate gate it's like just this issue you have to deal with no i don't have to deal with that issue yeah the patriots want go tub brady they have an asterisk an asterisk next to their their their title they do not and the asterisk is made out of of three deflated football yeah you know well maybe i'll put a an asterisk on the billboard that i'm gonna that i'm gonna get for you on top of the biggest

building in los angeles that just says call me schmuel i call me maybe and then in parentheses under that schmuel then in parentheses under that a mere bloominfeld henceforth known as schmuel a glocal breakduction uh all right let's take a break thank a few more sponsors and then we'll be right right back this show is sponsored by better help thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist especially one in your area but better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient flexible and suitable to your schedule you just

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and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or i guess dedicated to anyone else in your life maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season a summer birthday coming up who doesn't want a website uh so the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com slash if i were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that offer code if i were you to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain again squarespace.com slash if i were you free trial everything looks good let's launch it uh just use that offer code if i were you to save 10 off that first purchase thank you Squarespace hashtag green light jake and amir is still going strong oh wow yeah it is really really sweet you

know that um let's thank some people that have treated let's do oh that's a great idea all right um right off the bat let me just of course a couple yeah john wolf tweets at you yeah he's uh he is yep he's absolutely what's it called trolling me yep he has a hashtag red light jake in the mirror andrew your end zero zero thank you hashtag green light jake and amir wow actually this person's twitter handle is at subtle john wolf really yeah that's amazing so thank you to that guy uh uh thomas the thomas cohen please please please hashtag green light jake and amir uh for anyone that's uh tweeted at tbs very funny to hashtag green light jake and amir thank you very much let's read a couple every episode that'll be a fun little way to uh

keep the ball rolling this idea and uh tbs tweeted at somebody else today right yeah they keep tweeting at other people they find the ones that are not about it first person to get tbs to respond to that to their green light jake and amir tweet yeah uh should get a prize i don't know what it is wouldn't it have been like somebody big and famous that did it i guess like they'll respond to uh moby yeah won't they respond to moby well they haven't i think the first person to get the response from tbs gets a tv show from us if you know what if we someday have a show they'll all fly them out to the premier party if tbs responds to them if yeah i mean it's a huge long shot because this green light thing is actually only for us to shoot the pilot yeah let alone like the pilots

let's get picked up we have to shoot the series yeah that'll be a totally different twitter campaign right so but whoever if this happens if tbs uh green lights the show we get a pilot we get a series order we film it the premier party if there is one i'll fly you out for it that's a guarantee promise it's written or not written as recorded which is better than written because you don't to fucking read it it's true um anything else you wanted to say on the break suddenly that came up we're shooting our last eight episodes yeah we shot today holy shit it's happening it is real uh we have about four more episodes to shoot how do you feel uh so far not nostalgic because we still have some to go right but tomorrow like it'll start becoming more real and then Friday

when we're done with everything we'll have shot our last jake in the episode that's like crazy to think about that really is like crazy i think like the past two days i've just been like almost just like head down yeah get it done know your lines make it funny we've been laughing a lot that's true so it's a good sign and i feel like people will like the idea i hope so the premise yeah which i guess these episodes when do they come out February 17th right on college humor in youtube that's the that's the beginning of the last eight so it'll be like the first one and then seven more after that wow that's crazy i can't give any any more away no more spoilers just all we can tell you is the amount of episodes yeah i'm taking a lot of great production stills that's

going to be that are going to litter my instagram once these videos actually uh reach the internet interwebs but for now we have to keep it hush um all right that's it you want to answer one more question that sounds like a nice blade it's getting late we have more shooting to be done oh don't remind me oh early call time early call time tomorrow let's talk about it people uh all right oh here we go one last dude question uh another guy did you have any guys on your wall oh yeah uh freddy prince jr because he was in the background a lot of the sarah michelle geller photos that i had tom dalong tom dalong writes i feel like tom dalong is written into the podcast before yeah he's a he's a huge fan of the show what does he sound like uh like um all the

small things yeah totally all right dude so y'all like oh fuck man yeah pink okay so my best friend ryan and i went to this party where we met a group of girls one of the girl flirts with ryan but by the time we get to the other party he ditches her after making out with her because he wants someone hotter to steam up his world i comfort her and try to cheer her up and then she kisses me this is my first kiss so i feel pretty awesome about it but here's where things get they get real oh no after a week of texting back and forth with the girl ryan and i see her again and basically me and her pick up where we left off but then my roommate gets jealous when she says i'm a better kisser of the two so he grabs her and starts making out and one thing led to another and 45

minutes later she's blowing him in the bathroom uh i feel really uncomfortable now but both act like it's no big deal and the word bro job which is basically a girl giving two friends bj's comes up that it's okay for two friends to be blown by the same girl but i think it's dumb how would you feel about that is ryan a bad friend am i making a big deal out of this mucho apreciado love tom delon i'm never having children that's it this is like what happens now huh you have kids and you raise these precious angels and by age 15 they're just blowing each other i guess that's just what happens teenagers give blows that it and i want to say like that didn't happen when i was little but maybe i might have yeah i mean not to me but i'm sure somebody was getting blown in this

did happen to me oh it did yeah for sure a girl blew you and then blew your friend or kissed you and then blew your friend yeah all that stuff happens yeah an incestual blow circle of sorts have you ever heard of the word term bro job no that's new to me i like the term bro job yeah i like the i like a good pun i love a good sexual pun i think the internet's making uh people like better at puns like there were no when i was little i feel confident saying there was no puns about this type of shit at the very least people that had no plays on words about it so pun aside it's not i mean it's okay does this person deserve to be pun ish'd i would probably be pretty annoyed by my friend if i was making out with someone and he grabbed her and started making out and then she

blew him but then like if she blows him then it's like i guess that was what she wanted to happen so i you can still feel bad but yeah especially if it's your first kiss your friend was a pretty bad friend in that instance i would say he is a bad friend yeah but it's interesting that the like the girl and him both are like oh it's no big deal and like she's saying it's not like i won't blow you now because i blew him i'll still blow you would you take a second blow jay i mean i yeah for sure i would if i if you were kissing a girl and then she just went and blew david and then she's like oh i would still blow you okay i don't think i'm blown after now because david jesus clam juice that's right you see clam dips it yeah uh i guess it would it would

probably depend on the girl in the situation i i can't really like to speak in absolute absolutes absolutely uh how would you guys feel about that i feel like i wouldn't be down to if a girl left me to hook up with my friend i wouldn't then just take her back i feel like i gotta have a little bit of pride in this situation like no you don't get to hop around right but like it's interesting pride is interesting because like sometimes it just robs you of a good time if you were going into this being like oh this is all silly and fun and i don't really care and like that was ridiculous that that happened and it's a couple days later and you're like i want something fun to happen to me and i want to blow job but it sounds like

you've already this guy's already made up his mind like i don't like this this is dumb should i be acting differently and the truth is no not if you're like feel a certain way yeah but i i don't know like hooking up with someone is exciting because it's personal and the fact that it's like happening to everyone else makes it feel a little less exciting and cheapens it almost not to me it's still like wet lips on your penis and that always feels great yeah i mean if in a vacuum like when you put a hoover vacuum up against your balls that feels good yeah yeah as long as you fill the vacuum with vaseline but i'm a little bit too neurotic to like not be able to distance the fact that this girl just blew my friend i don't know if there has to be some

passage of time i think you would just be like this girl isn't the girl that i want to date because this is the way that the situation is unfolding it's very uh steamy and strange and we're using the word blow bro job also it's his first kiss yeah so it should be slightly above your first bro job your first blow job so i think go with your gut sounds like your gut is wrong personally i don't think that any of this stuff is that big of a deal so i maybe would just get a blow job so uh how would you guys feel about that you said no big deal is ryan a bad friend yes i would say he is if he took a girl you were you got your first kiss from and he made out in front of you he was like this he didn't like this girl yeah he this this girl was his quote unquote plan

b for the evening it seemed but i was like this guy who got robbed also didn't like this girl oh it sounds like there's not a lot of actual feelings involved this guy's all just like weird horniness he was like he was trying to cheer her up because he felt bad for her yeah so he's a nice it's but it's just this is all horniness yeah well teenagers are just pure boner hormones and that's what i'm saying this it doesn't really matter that much and sure like if you if you there if any part of you wants to get blown and she still wants to and you think you'd have fun then do it and it's fine so is ryan a bad friend yeah ryan's sort of a human friend yeah that's not a nice maneuver i mean he's also a pretty shitty person in general to like grab a girl who said he was

a bad kisser and start make like trying to make out with her i mean it's just hard to find a good guy named ryan i don't think i know a single good ryan yeah ryan's are kind of like cool dirt bags yeah like hey what up i'm ryan that's totally ryan yeah yeah but like you want a good guy like a really good guy you need a brian or the b makes all the difference really does you know what trust the b know a lot of good brian yeah no good ryan's any ryan's out there that want to change their shit you want to switch it up get that b in there baby or maybe even an o ryan yeah imagine that how interstellar is that shit that's like he's so dope hi my name's a ryan and then you have a belt you always wear a belt where's a ryan's can i remove a ryan's belt so i can give you a bro job

oh very nice like that and then you dipper yeah you give her the big dipper and if it's happening to you uh it's a little dipper oh come on i'm kidding now let's let's end the podcast bitch that's our episode bitch isn't it the episode bitch you have your own questions or uh theme song submissions of your own we start and and every episode with a uh custom made song written by our talented fans the opening one was from justin gonzales john calvis gonzales john salvias and the closer is from uh an alex rau so thanks guys for writing in thanks guys for sending in your theme songs oh we also want we need your thumbnail submissions if you have a piece of artwork that we can use on our facebook page every time we upload an episode we try to use uh have a thumbnail

for the show so if you're talented in that regard send us your graphics too if i read your show at gmail.com ideally 600 by 315 but we'll take what we can get uh we've been running low on those to send them if you got them and uh we'll be back on monday is that it that's it gracias gracias to gonzales us later so they gotta show that i write them into the podcast show they answer my questions as if they were bros but if they talk too long they'll probably make me cry

oh so my parents are lame and my girlfriend sucks my friends on my phone and i'm out of love i kill the cat i'm being chased by birds and i think i love my barista i email a man when i'm trying to cope and when they answer me back i pray that the answer that i get is practical and ash that i don't oh