If I Were You - 134: Toothbrush

Episode Date: February 9, 2015

In this episode we discuss proms, raps, and apps.This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com, Squarespace.com, and Berries.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Still I realize, world's not strong while teasing up Till the day that he stops, you're never safe from him So we'll flip him here, chicken him here and near It's not a radio show, it's a podcast So listen up before you become an outcast in your only glass with the bitch-ass So, download all the episodes fast as you can before you become Raggedy Anne I'm sure you'd hear, it's clear, you have a problem, you need to solve them too If I were you, because you're in the mirror, our hashtag don't fit, they're even better than the post Oh fuck, I actually said it, yeah, fucking say that, it's just a fact, it's just a fact See the cheese and enjoy the show

You know what that is? Sky Buck Justin Gunn Salvas, the guy from Last Episode Back to back, rat parodies, back to back, rat, pat, pat, pat, go tappity, tap, pat So you see how hard it is to make raps? I was nailing it, back to back, rat a tat, I go tat, tat, tat, tat, tat, tat It's pretty good, right up until you rhymed rat a tat with tat, tat, at, pat, tat, tat Like you just kept on going with that

All right, I gotta, I gotta, wait, how did it start? Back to back, back to back, rat a tat, got a jud, apatow, apatite Oh, I got apatite No, no, no, this is just me making it up right now, this is me, this is how I write Words that sound similar, so I got a back to back, back to back, rat a tat, got a apatow, apatite And it ate tit, and I got an apatite for apatow, movies, apatite for apatow Apatow, apatite, apatite for apatow, apples, apples, apples fight So I got apatow, apatite, apples fight, pure delight

Nice Yeah, and that's our time, just to piece it all together, it's back to back, rat a tat, got an apatite for apatow, apples, fuck Hoodie a bee I just want you to know that even if you nailed it, it wouldn't have been good It's like my degree of difficulty was so low, even a perfect score wasn't good Acing it was failing Acing it was failing it, acing it was failing it

Covalent, covalent bonds are Acing it was failing it, embracing it is nailing it So acing it was failing it, embracing it is nailing it Yeah And then one more But lacing shit is sailing with I can do two, I can't do three Still more than you

I really like acing it was failing it, embracing it is nailing it Lacing shit with sailing wit Lacing it, let's try to think of something better than lacing it Okay, acing it is failing it, embracing it is nailing it Lacing, no, with racing, racing wit, like literature about racing So racing wit Racing wit About um, what's

Impaling Impaling I really want to run it with shit Impaling shit Yeah Racing wit, impaling shit Um Acing it is failing it, embracing it is nailing it

Racing wit, impaling shit We got it, the third line was the best Racing wit is impaling shit You know that about racing literature Jeff Gordon wrote an autobiography that was 100% impaling everything It was not ghost written, it was real Uh, yeah, oh, we had to give him a shout at his sketch group Could Justin Gunn solve his sketch group, his sketch films for life

I don't know what his videos are like, but his rap is very enjoyable It's cool About facing Oh, okay So nailing it, acing it is nailing it No, acing it is failing it, embracing it is nailing it So facing it Is

Facing it Facing it Is wailing Right wailing, wailing, wailing it Clits Wailing clit Yeah Oh, that's cool

So it's like, is it a whalers clit? Yeah, exactly right A Hartford whalers clit Wow Yeah, so it's about the defunct hockey teams Vagina That's why, that's okay We really gotta move on

But we're on the third verse of this song at this point Not the third verse, just the third rhyme Oh, shit, how do verses work? It would be one, I think like if we did enough of those it'd be one verse Oh, so like a minute of that is a verse Yeah, yeah But that's not bad, like we just started Right, and it's already pretty good except for the third rhyme

Yeah, so we have two of the three, how many rhymes in a rap? What if you google that? Can we talk to Eminem? If you google that, you can never be a rapper How many rhymes are in one rap? Kendrick, your album is really good But um How many rhymes do you think you have in a rap?

We saw you google search You were searching how many rhymes in a rap? We searched words that rhyme with gun at one point You went to rhymingdictionary.com Kendrick Do you think any rapper has ever used a rhyming dictionary? I think you can't resist the urge It feels so good What if Eminem, he just found his phone and all his entire search history was just rhyming dictionary words

It's a really fun I mean he's still fast Yeah But would you lose respect for him? That's a funny vine is a guy going up to Eminem and his Computers on rhyming dictionary and he slams it shut really quickly and goes hey dude, what's up? And then like they focus it they zoom in and they focus and it's that he was what's it called the rhyme zone or something? Rhyme zone

Yeah And it should be for a word that was that's really really easy Gum He's trying to rhyme with time You know what's a good Kendrick Lamar rhyme? Tell me Just that we're on the topic of good rhymes Yeah

That's analogy and metaphor for you. I should win a medal for all the ways I adore you That is yeah, that's very your style Yeah, it's very it's not like a a bb it just like it's sort of it's sort of like a wave it flows It's a wash. Yeah We have to start the show We really It's crazy This is brought to you by the books

You're going rogue And that's not how the show starts You're making you're making it up. You're making up the order the ad Do you think you might just say extra ads will get paid more? Absolutely not like I don't know who's who is actually sponsoring this episode I believe nature box Squarespace Okay, yeah, so nature box and square space if I just and sherry's berries. All right, so if I just started talking about Mott and bow. Yeah, would we never no I couldn't invoice them. You could not

No, absolutely not You guys everybody needs pants You know Okay, you're not I might just throw in some ads throughout this episode to try to get me some extra money Then you're just going to send it. Oh and you want the cash yourself? Yeah, I'll email slug books and I'll say hey guys I actually ended up talking about you a bit on the podcast Can I have money for that the subject to the email is cash question mark

Venmo then the mp3 of this episode and timestamps They said they realized I just said it once as a joke They still pay you $15 Dope, that's actually not bad. I've seen a lot worse. Nice All right, this is if I were you the only advice podcast on the internet That starts at the 11 minute mark. I'm amir. I'm jake Um People who are in desperate need of our help for whatever reason will email us at if I were you show at gmail.com

And this is the show where we offer that advice Sometimes it's just me and jake And sometimes we have a special guest Kobe Bryant get over here Kobe takes the third That's him dribbling the ball. All right. He doesn't want to talk. He just wagged his finger at me and he smiled It's because he had that shoulder surgery. Yep. Yeah, he's resting One day we'll get him to to speak. Um, all right. We need A guy's name for this first email real emails from real people gonna give him fake names to preserve their anonymity

Um sol sol writes Hi guys, I'm from australia and about a week ago I was invited to a school formal by a pretty girl without knowing what a formal even is I said yes by the time I looked it up. I was sadly too late I've already paid the 250 dollars and was registered then she invited me to a party slash sleepover Being too shy and nervous. I said yes again. Little did I know it was with her 12 hot friends and their hot dates And later after some more investigating I found out you have to buy a girl a corsage What the fuck is a corsage?

And then after some more investigating I found out a lot of alcohol is gonna be present at the after party I haven't been near a girl since I was 13 let alone going to a formal in a fucking limousine and staying in a house full of Half naked drunk girls here are my questions. How do I get past this situation? What's a corsage? How do I slow dance? Should I bring a toothbrush or is that uncool? Thanks guys PS they're from a different school in a year older than me What's the problem? The problem is this guy does his investigating a little too late in the game always

He's just saying yes to shit and then he's like I actually Investigated in a formal is a dance and then I investigated more than I have to do some unnesses Like you should have just learned just there's no reason that you should investigate what a formal is I don't even think you should investigate what a corsage is. Yeah. Well, it's not like if he investigated to the point that I need a corsage. That's when he stopped the investigation and just asked us He still doesn't know. I think he's kind of a lazy investigator He's a lazy eye Um

Should we should we try to answer these questions one by one? I just want to lambast him a little bit more. Uh, all right, you're upset because the girls are going to be hot Yeah, that's a problem. How do I get past this? Yeah, how do I get by the way? He's about how do I get pss this situation? How do I get past this? So let's make fun of his grammar a little bit and we he mentioned they were half naked. Why for what reason? And at what point in his investigation did he find out that they would just be half naked? I think when he was just Uh daydreaming about this party. I think one of those problems is this this situation has gotten the best of him It's definitely gotten away from him

He's in his head. Yeah, and in his head is 12 half naked girls He's investigating as abruptly stopped and is imagining has taken over What is half naked by the way like is a bikini more than half naked or is that half naked or do you have to be topless For it to be half naked I feel like when I imagine half naked, it's like topless um I don't know. I well my the first thing I thought of was Girl in a t-shirt or tank top no bra and underwear

Oh, so like pants off underwear tank top no bra Like the sexiest pajamas you can imagine. Oh, so you're still not seeing boobies or vijay. No It's all left to the imagination. So isn't that entire? Oh, so it's not Oh, okay, because I was thinking like it's not entirely closed because if you if you had a wife and she was parading around in a tank top and underwear no bra Um with a bunch of dudes. I think you would say you're half naked because this is what I was thinking about half naked Starting from the bottom up now. We're here. Yeah

Ugg boots skinny jeans And that's it So you're thinking like the literal yeah the halfway point half of the hemisphere of her body The top half is completely nude. I think when you say half naked It's like it means scantily clad like close to being fully nude Yeah, so it's like things removed from the top and things removed from the bottom Yeah, but you're not actually like no part of you is nude like in your scenario

The chest is nude. Yeah, so you wouldn't say half naked you would say Fully nude from the waist up That's half naked to me But that's what my definition of the sexiest a girl can be Ugg boots. Yeah pants. No nothing about the hottest a girl could be is wearing a pants and boots. That's right pants and boots Half naked is almost sexier than naked. Yeah, but I would rather have bottomless than topless. Oh really for sure See, you'd rather have turtleneck spaceman helmet and then everything below the waist is just open for biz

Honestly, I was so turned on just by thinking about a girl in no pants and a turtleneck, but I Like almost missed the space helmet joke I think that's maybe like the hottest a girl could look is wearing a hoodie and nothing else. Really? Yeah Not even underwear. Yeah. No. Oh interesting for whatever reason when I think of what the sexiest is I think of pants and no top. It's because you're a boob man. I'm an ass man I'm an oil man, but I'm also a boob man This is my son. Yeah, uh, all right. So moving on from that Um, a corsage is a flower that you pin on to your date or um, I guess they come in their little wrist corsages

Maybe that's what you oh, yeah, corsage is around the wrist and a bouton ears. Oh, right. Okay. Yeah, so there's like a little um Do you remember buying your first corsage? That's a weird thing that you have to do, right? As like a 15 year old you have to buy a flower wrist thing Which is weird responsibility because it's just like mom you have to take me to get a corsage Right. I have to put put it on this. I think I remember Like junior prom I called and I ordered it. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you have to like the same place You got your tuxedo or something. No, I like it was like a flower. Oh, right, uh What's it called a florist a florist

So, yeah, I would call and I put on hold and then my mom drove me And I went in with her and we got it so it comes in a little like plastic salad. Yeah The same thing that you said salad bars. Yeah, it's like, okay now I've got a live bracelet flower And I'll drive it to your house and put it on your wrist and this is all a fine tradition The agreement is done. Everyone still thinks this is good normal and now Uh for the ceremonial our parents paying for the limousine that we all drive in for no reason

Yeah, we can't get drunk. So we're just sort of hanging out in a limousine Did you get drunk at age 15 at a formal? Uh, yeah Let's try it for me too. No you didn't I didn't Dick Wow, I Didn't have to press you at all

I'm clean on that. Uh, how do I slow dance? You Is this to put your hands on a girl's hips and she puts your hands her hands on your shoulders? Yeah, I think slow dancing I mean Don't worry about that That's pretty easy and straightforward And I also don't think they'd play it like I don't remember there being a lot of slow dances at prom

It's not like four hours of slow dance. It's like mostly Regular dancing and hanging out That was such a huge. Did you have like a huge like turning point in your life where like Parties became like not bowling and arcade but like dancing and then the slow dancing was a thing and I'm like, holy shit I have to like ask a girl to slow dance like, oh, this is like like really Forcing me through puberty at an age. I wasn't comfortable with it yet Did you have to ask girls to slow dance?

I never did because I was like too embarrassed and scared but like all the cool kids would slow dance at these parties And I was like 12 years old It was like sixth grade and like all of a sudden people were not having parties at fucking chucky cheese anymore They were having like slow dancing parties. Yeah, I used to throw the slow dancing party. It's so it was crazy I'm like, what is going on? At the same time everyone just instantly decided to have dancing parties and slow dancing was a thing and then A guys had to ask a girl to slow dance. I think that was just because we didn't realize like grinding is clearly better You know like real dancing that didn't happen till later. Didn't it? I don't think they're not grinding

I don't think I was this was the predecessor But like when I'm when you're 12 like touching a girl other hips like 12. Yeah, so that's like that's that's the max Yeah, it's like everybody just like runs around and jumps to other songs and then there's a slow dance Oh, I get to touch someone. Yeah, and like that's exciting right Uh, I remember doing that and I remember like going to bed after a party. It's just like still wider and still Still hard Just like shit so much happened to me. I danced with her and her. Oh and these two dance and those two danced and Dancing, I mean, I used to love it. Yeah, and I used to be frightened by it. I still love it now. You love dancing

Yeah, that's sure. I've finally gotten over it 20 years later. Can you imagine like the way we dance is? The heavy bass hip-hop and you're like pressing your body into a girl and gyrating. Yeah And like if all of a sudden that music screeched to a halt and it was just a slow song wouldn't you be upset? Like, uh, oh, I have to stop grinding my dick into you. Now. I have to just like take a step back and Slowly sway side to side and spin in a circle. They have to be amazing. We just start playing red red wine Red red wine Um, I think I'd like it if Casey and JoJo's all my life played at the next Uh bar that we danced at that would be fun. Yeah

That's like a fun theme for a dance party. It's like sixth grade dance party slow dance. Yeah That's a cool name for a band slow dance. I think somebody has a Band called that actually slow dance. Maybe so just an idea Uh, and then last and certainly we didn't tell them how to slow dance Oh, just see what the other people are doing. I don't know how people are doing it It doesn't matter. Yeah, just put your hands around their waist They'll put your there's on your shoulder and you just side to side spin in a circle Let it lead. Yeah, try not to get

Motion sick and then the last step the last real question is should I Bring a toothbrush You should be worried about Like the fact that you don't know the entire group of people Don't worry about how to slow dance and what a court like I'm cool with you being stressed out about this having anxiety is good But you are being dumb

You're just scared and you're worried about like Uh, sure do or don't bring a toothbrush That's all everything's gonna work out I guess do Yeah Is it cool? Is it uncool to bring a toothbrush? If you're bringing a bag in general Which I guess you probably would because you don't want to be sitting in your tuxedo all night through the party and stuff

So maybe you'll bring pajamas brush. Yeah pack the toothbrush in the bag And if an opportunity arises to brush your teeth, that's fine And if not your toothbrush will just stay in the bag. I wouldn't just go into the party Waving the toothbrush around and say does anyone have any paste? I want to partake in the fun and games. But first I I need to I need to paste my teeth I'm pasteless I'm pasteless tasteless deaf and dumb Y'all are half naked, huh?

Not me. I'm fully clothed Turn all that up boots down this I remember being like Every I was I went to My senior year I went to maybe like seven or eight proms. How because I had a lot of friends at different schools and I was like Some people's back updates in case they didn't get asked Like just friends of mine that like went to all girls schools or something. So you went you rented eight tuxedos I think I actually ended up that you're buying a tuxedo. Yeah, ultimately cheaper, of course

Of corsage But the There were a lot of like it was sometimes really fun and then sometimes a little stressful because if you don't know anybody's Friend group. Yeah, like if I went to problem with somebody who was like, we'll call it promenade We don't have to be so like sorry I'm abbreviating it. Um if I went to promenade with someone If I prominated with they had their own group of friends and they were like ignoring me or even for a little bit Even if even if 30 seconds went by and nobody asked me a question

I would kind of I would honestly I would start brushing my teeth in the middle of the dance floor I didn't know what else to do. I don't know how else to get their attention. They're promenading my teeth They're fucking dirty as hell So my advice to you is as early on as you can Start making some friends because inevitably Your girlfriend's gonna want to spend some time with her friend or your this this ladies might Uh go away from you and you don't want to be like some weird oddball not talking to anybody Yeah, so find some like dude friends as soon as you can that's my advice that you didn't ask for but all of your questions were dumb

Would you say embracing it is nailing it? Actually, I would and I would say that acing it is failing it. Wow But If if you're not facing it. Yeah, then you just bailed on it. Uh, that's good Bailing it, but like I don't know how to do it When we're getting closer. Yeah Uh, all right. We answered this is like an epic question multi-parter for sure Right, so it took us right to the break. So let's thank a few more ad sponsors some real ones

Not the ones that you just make up. Hopefully. Thank you slug books. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you 20 jeans Oh, wow old school. Love it. Uh, all right. We'll be right back on the other side of this break This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation Talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that Difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist Especially one in your area

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So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that You have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online But you're still getting professional licensed help Uh, and it's extra affordable. That's better help HELP.com slash if I were you check them out. Thanks better help Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow For years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way For dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design

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And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this Season a summer birthday coming up who doesn't want a website So the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com Slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain Again squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10 off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace Welcome back. Welcome back Harlem's back. I know you love that. What were you saying about a terrible problem event?

Yeah, I before one of the problems that I went to I was Shaving with like a real razor and I nicked my Like the top like right where my Mustache meets my lip And I don't know if I don't know what the fuck but it didn't stop bleeding for two hours You're even feeling like that next I was like

It would not stop bleeding And for whatever reason your blood would just not coagulate. No. Yeah, it would not And my date for that prom was so mad Because like we were taking pictures it I didn't really know any of these people. They were like literally Like at least 30 couples just like so many people And we took pictures at like two different locations. That was another like even bigger than prom was just all the pictures You had to do a lot of photos And I was just like I had a blood soaked

paper towel just like in between every picture just like Trying to dab it off to the point where you like it wouldn't show up in these photos, but What happens to those photos never again, do you ever see any? I never saw one of them But I'm sure I was bleeding in them and like at the part where like eating the free dinner Or not free dinner Yes, you pay for just eating dinner at the prom venue. It was still bleeding never stopped You're still bleeding. I'm still bleeding to this day. Yeah, it's crazy. It is. It's nuts. I think it's illegal. Yeah

I'm breaking the law By having a cut how bloody you are Um, what else? Uh, we shot our last jake and a mirror episode ever On friday. Yeah, that was cool. And then all right, let's get to the next question Zero times zero emotional effect um Has it hit you that we're never going to shoot another jake and a mirror episode ever? Uh, not presently

It hit me a couple times During the shoot. Yeah throughout the week. I would have like moments of like, holy shit, you know But right now I don't feel anything right because we're not missing it yet Yeah, and we shot eight episodes and then we just take a few weeks off and then soon we'll be able to write more But we're just never gonna write and there's work to be done still like i'm thinking about How they'll look and editing them and posting them and all that stuff and how they'll turn out Yeah, so i'm still thinking about The jake and the mirror work right

But I guess when that's gone. I don't know then it might be too late and it won't hit me. Maybe it'll never hit me That's the ideal That's when you're like when you break up with someone you're like, yeah, maybe we'll stay friends It's like that way I don't have to deal with a loss the extreme loss right and then you just don't become friends Yeah, and then you think back later on you're like, oh If everything's good But if you knew then when you broke up, it's like, oh, we will never see each other. Yeah, can we stay friends? Probably not. I think we'll be out of each other's lives

Well, I'm sure I'll still get to like talk to your parents from time to time Okay, good. Yeah, I I do I've like gotten close with your family. So I want to keep that tie They're like no Never again, of course. I wonder in the world of psychology if that's like us Uh Understood and defined coping mechanism that people do it must be where it's like you you say like, oh, don't worry We'll do this soon. Maybe yeah, and it softens the blow. I'll be right back or I'll see you soon instead of goodbye forever All right, like no, no, no, we're I'm still gonna see you soon. Don't worry. Yeah, let's hang out

Let's keep in touch. Is that how you feel about jake demir? Yeah, I was like, oh, it's Well, I'm not done yet because I'm gonna have to edit it and then it's like when it's on when I'm editing I'm like, oh, it's not done yet. I still have to post it online. So maybe like when we post the last episode But it seems like all the all the fanfare of like the last shot and saying that's a wrap Yeah, it was cool because the last thing we shot is the last part of the last episode Yeah, that was very thoughtful of our producer. I don't know if it worked out like that on purpose or shout out to jillian Just shout out to jillian jask, but that was really nice and our coping mechanism is the hashtag green light jake demir campaign

Which is like, oh, we still might have a tv show So we can't say goodbye forever yet a jake demir is on life support, but it's not dead. Yeah, exactly tweet still coming in We we still appreciate it. I don't know if tbs is seeing any of it Well, they they recently stopped responding to the tweets that were coming in just kidding. They never responded to one To begin with you know what I wanted to do is uh The wool do you know the youtube personality i justine? Yes, so she follows us on twitter and she tweeted something and uh tbs responded to her

Just like out of the blue She was like does anyone have a playlist for something and then tbs responded Oh like does anyone have a happy playlist for songs or something like that and tbs responded to her and just out of the blue Because like she's like this huge youtube personality and said Made some jokes like no, but we have a sad playlist or something to that effect And then I thought it would be great if she responded to all right now that I have your attention hashtag green light jake demir So maybe that's the way to get into tbs So like we we don't like the cold tweets are coming in at a great rate

We've gotten probably close to 10 000 of those If we can get someone that they know now we're asking for people to just troll them No, not troll. I need people who tbs already is responding to right so they're like hey like hey Great. Oh back-to-back family guys. I love it. Thanks tbs and then they respond and then it's like tbs says like Oh, glad you love it and then you respond to that. It's almost like gotcha journalism The problem is I was too like I didn't want I didn't want to go there I didn't want to like ask this i justine lady for a favor right though She does in theory know who we are because she follows us on twitter. Yeah, maybe we should ask her also

Also just us tweeting at tbs, which I know we've like technically done. We've retreated people Yeah, and we think I wonder like next step could just be us tweeting like hey at tbs. Very funny wondering if you saw You know what it is even if they they are seeing it and they are discussing it like they can't possibly tweet anything about it Right like what can you do? Like a we're still making it like this social media manager is not in charge of making the decision Yeah, kevin riley is still reviewing scripts. I think i'm an intern Stop tweeting at me

You're inundating my feed, but at the very least People at tbs are aware of how Loyal and passionate and awesome our fans are so we do appreciate it nonetheless. That's really sweet regardless of what happens We are very flattered I'm actually honored. I want like I was thinking recently like I wonder if anything will come of it and then I realized that like this is the this is like the best thing This is the result. This is it. This is like this is what came of it. It's great. Yeah, it's already happened It's already good. We already feel great regardless of what happens. We won. Yeah, honestly

I don't even want a tv show anymore. Well, if it happens that'll be an even bigger bonus Honestly, I think it'd be kind of cool if it didn't So it's like the end of the movie where like the guy you like the shot floats up, you know, basketball And it's bouncing a little you know the shot floats up, right? Yeah. Yeah, so the ball the spherical ball hitting the metal the orange orb and And it doesn't go in it bounces off and you think oh, no they lost but then you realize no they've come so far They've got so much support. Yeah, the the journey was the story. Yeah, the ends the ends aren't more important than the means Yeah, the destination was not important. It was the journey the journey life's about the journey not the destination

That's what I say. So we're winning the destination. I think so um But fuck would be so cool to have a show Okay, that's fair At the same time I want to be on tv I just want to be on tv and let loose But I can't and yet it's cool if tom green humps a dead moose My bum is on your lips. My bum is on your lips and if

You're lucky I might just give it a little kiss and that's the message we delivered to little kids Do you want to answer one last question before we run out of time completely? What a ridiculous show we only answered one question I know but it was so in-depth And we and we wrote a half of a verse of a rap which took up a bunch of time as well Yeah, um, let me try to find a good one for the last one Oh, here we go I need a guy's name another confused

gentleman Mike Mike writes So I downloaded tinder about two weeks ago based on your suggestion I swipe every day for half an hour if not more My problem is that so far I've had a grand total of seven matches One was a bot and two were immediately unmatched and the other four haven't responded to a single one of my message I even liked one of their moments. Should I give up? I originally downloaded this app to boost my self-esteem and it's not working. I need jake's expert tinder opinion Tinder's not for everybody, bud. You must be an ugo a fugo or a lame loser

So I do advise you delete the app Train in your iphone for a crackberry What did that do Why downgrade why change the phone? I think you need a crackberry. I really do think you need a crackberry of yourself I'm a crackberry of myself. See that's a joke. We can never use in a video now Right. Yeah, I think that oh that happened when we were shooting like you were doing some other bit I was like, huh, we should do this in an episode. Oh, no Oh, shit

Never another episode Uh, here's my suggestion for this guy. Yeah Uh, shuffle your pictures change it up I've had more success with some pictures than others Yeah, and I've gone through two weeks where I've matched with seven people even less. So for sure Change up your pictures Find a girlfriend of yours and ask her to choose. That's always pretty helpful Lady friends know what pictures are most attractive. So like

Half hour every day in my prime. I would swipe for close to three hours. All right all the time In my heyday every waking moment if you're If your phone isn't swiping so if you're not swiping so often that you're getting Legit glass shards in your finger like a what like a splinter I'm talking about your screen should be splintering into your fingers. That's how hard you need to be swiping Oh, you think the the hardness of his swipe as I just mean like wearing it down frequency. Yeah, don't like Like a your the track on your phone. I want you like into the goddamn circuit boards

That's how much you need to be swiping the friction should create heat that'll melt the glass Yeah, so much so that your finger is starting to penetrate the phone itself. Do not stop Do not slow down. Keep on swiping. Keep on swiping. Do not pass go. Yeah, can I recommend? Uh, one I recommended taking pictures switching up the photos because that makes a huge difference two. Can I recommend a different app? Yes There's another there's another app called hinge Which gives you people that are already in your friend network Uh, it limits to how much you can swipe per day, but it's at least it's a higher quality

I feel like in terms of the richness of the people presented to you. It's not complete strangers It's friends of friends. So maybe we can give hinge a little we've we've shouted tinder out for You know close to two years now. I think we can start uh promoting some of their Uh competition. Yeah, because that's how apps get better But also like it's it's not like you would delete tinder to download hinge. You just you should just like if you're single I think people should just have all these. Yeah, I was thinking about that hinge Okay, cupid the league There's this new app I found

uh called the league where it's like Tinder but you have to be accepted into it because it's like only accepts quote-unquote high quality applicants Yeah, and so I'm like, oh, maybe I would get into the league. So I downloaded it and it asked for your linkedin page As a reference. How dare they you're so successful that you don't need a linkedin I want you to be my friend on linkedin. You should write them and just be like, hey I don't have a linkedin, but I'm a famous comedian I ain't got a linkedin. I got a wikipedia page. Hello. Hello Dial-town that could be a great episode of taking a mirror that will never rake is me desperately trying to get into the league

Yeah, yeah I just love the name so much. It's so pompous and snobby um You haven't been accepted to the league. Uh, I'm sorry. You're linkedin profiled in cool You want a tinder date and she's talking like, yeah, no, I've been trying online dating for a while I have tinder hinge the league you're in the league um

Yeah, give me your phone. You get one invite. Let go of this Coward ass I was saying earlier that I was thinking like It's it makes sense to just cast a wide net Uh, like just have these things running in the background of your life, right? But at which point is it? either sad or counterproductive Like would you recommend me getting all those apps?

I guess it's only I mean Yeah, and then I wouldn't recommend you like constantly using all of them, but like I would recommend you getting them and seeing which ones you like. Like do you use hinge? Uh, yeah, I use hinge Is has it been successful? Have you met up with anybody from it? No Tinder you use That's a little more successful. Yeah. Okay. Cupid. You've said you dislike entirely. Yeah, I use it the least Um

And you wish you could get on the league. What about j-swipe? That's another one. What do you what are your thoughts on j-swipe? I would probably download it just to see what's Gucci Just to see what's what I guess my biggest fear is someone looking at my phone and seeing that I have nine hooking up apps Yeah, but like yeah, I'm in the league. Hey, it's like that thing we did. I'm in grinder tinder j-swipe j league Okay, cupid. Okay stupid you porn j you porn I'm in j the league Just just nine girls. My mom tries to set me up, but uh

You don't think it's a little bit shameful to be like I would think I would have to start getting rid of some before I add more I would I guess like I don't think it's shameful for sure If anything I would maybe just like because I wouldn't Want all of those like alerts coming into my phone if I didn't use certain apps And if I wasn't having any fun with them, I would delete them, right? But I don't think there's anything wrong with like Casting a wide net especially if you're

Trying to break into the dating scene and it sounds like he is any this dude Hasn't had any success with tinder. So maybe it's just like you're not the kind of guy that can convey All the great things that are about you in a single Yeah image, maybe you need a profile where people can Realize that they're compatible with you, right? So try one of these other sites or apps or whatever Yeah, try one of the other whatever's but don't don't stop swiping. Mm-hmm. Would you say keep calm and swipe on? That's our time You do have that poster above your bed

Keep calm and swipe on so Is that a tinder slogan? I think yeah, like if you like look at their like thing or like their uh I was on their twitter page once and it's just like people being like, hey, I haven't matched with anyone Hey, I'm complaining about this. They're always like keep calm and swipe on so funny I remember when I lost all my tinder matches and I like almost had to like I felt bad But I had to complain to tinder and do they get restoring matches? No, they all went away One day I just lost them all what happened. I don't know for whatever reason my account was deleted

But I it was like I emailed them once like yeah, I try logging out logging back game I'm like, how far down the angry person rabbit hole like do I reply now and be like no, I'm serious I really really don't have my It's just the man who taught who fought tinder and lost I sued tinder for my matches and they were and they won and you will spend a lot of money on legal fees Good thing. I'm in the league All right, that's our time. Thanks to everybody. That's written in we'll get to more questions next time If you have your own question or your own theme song submission like justin gones salvez

Or the closing theme song by simi apti Send those theme song submissions as well to if I re show at gmail.com We also need your thumbnail submissions a lot of good art coming in Ideally 600 by 315, but we'll take what we can get keep those coming as well I wanted to thank some people who wrote or who tweeted We're gonna try to keep thanking people that have hashtag green light jake and amir tweeted. Oh So thank you to uh, your mom

Oh, my mother. Yes, you've been tweeting a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Michael or michael sermac andrew urin zero zero and The blue media had at the blue media, which is almost should be my My twitter name blue media. Yeah Because it's sort of my last. Oh, yeah, that's pretty good. Uh, so thanks for tweeting keep the tweets coming. We really appreciate it And uh, I bet tv s. Yeah tv s is gonna crack. They're gonna have to let the walls of jericho enough tweets

And we definitely get the show It's definitely twitter based. We we know that for a fact No bonus thursday episode for the first time in several weeks. So we'll be back on monday See you guys soon. Bye Cracked a cliff and if you need someone to do The knife Oh, you're the one you should believe in Email if i were you show that gmail gmail gmail gmail gmail gmail.com

Get your advice and please don't kill your kill your kill your kill yourself at a local starbucks local starbucks Yo, what up everybody? It's finny guadagnino. You remember me from the jersey shore So i've got a new podcast. It's called get into it with vini g That's exactly what we're doing. We're getting into it with my celebrity friends with you guys We're getting into pop culture. We're gonna talk sports politics food comedy dating relationships It's the jack of all trades master of none podcast just like me It's fun. It's silly and you should definitely get into it

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