If I Were You - 135: Attraction (with Laura Hurwitz!)

Episode Date: February 16, 2015

Jake's mama joins us to discuss protesting, parents, and her new novel!This episode is brought to you by BlueApron.com, MeUndies.com, and TaxAct.comSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Wally! Guess who's here, Jake and Amir to help you with your life So you don't have to worry, friend, they'll give you free advice If I were you, show.com, where things always get real The answers to your sticky stitch, they surely will reveal So press play, but skip, the ads listen to some constructive criticism But beware, sometimes I can feel like destructive cynicism If I were you, show.com, if I were you, show

Is here for you to download and it's really hella dope That was Roger McGee His name was Roger? Pretty great, he sings like an angel That was actually a lady named Grandmaster Kate Laura, thoughts? I thought it was really cool that it was That's my mother, so you don't call her Laura, you call her mom

You don't know how that works You're gonna refer to my mom as mom Call every mom, mom, yes I do, I call your mom mommy You call my mom, mama, yeah So anybody who's a mom, you call mom Yes, they burned that right The golden rule, they went to mom's, they have a child and I am their child That's the rule

I am so fine with you calling me Laura Or mom, right? Or mom, either one, they both work That's great, I feel like the song is very sweet, right up your alley Yeah, I really liked it, all thanks to Zine, that was cool And how could she make it better? I thought it was really pretty perfect We all agreed it was good, we all loved it

It was awesome I think the nicest thing we can do is give her helpful tips No song is perfect, no song is perfect Let's start with running time, 118, great birthday, terrible running time A little bit too long I think we do, we'll shave it under a minute Let's trim the fat No need

Absolutely, mom Oh my god, you guys are so critical I thought it was wonderful, she did a great job I feel like calling us critical is actually being a little critical of yourself We don't appreciate it No, this is great, you've been on one episode before, right? Yes Do you remember what number?

Should I look at it? I actually don't remember, I want to say it was 30-something or 40-something Wow, what if it's exactly 100? That'd be cool I don't think it was Did I not go before or after Pat? After, I believe Really? I thought it was like 46?

I might be completely making that up This is entirely uninteresting, but I am going to look it up Maybe we can edit it to make it seem like we did this research only Oh, 32 32, see, I was pretty... 103 episodes ago Yeah, it was a while It was a while

Sorry, it took you so long to come back It's just that you weren't in California until now That's it Thank you so much for inviting me to your beautiful home Thanks for being here, Mom Now that you're moving to California soon, probably, right? You can be on the show a lot more Oh, my God, I'm squatting in this house, I'm not leaving

You're welcome, you can stay with me anytime I love you more than anything I'm sorry to the rest of my family, but, yeah, I'm here We don't care about the rest of it, it's just Jake and Mom You're putting your eye on now Yeah, Mom, just us too Forget the rest of them And Amir

Fine, just us, just me and you and Amir, and that's it And say, fuck you, Hannah Repeat after me Ready? Forget you, Hannah, Rachel, Sarah, Liza, Micah I can't frame those words Okay Who needs them, though?

Then you don't love me If you had to rank the kids, who's number two? Oh, my God Let's at least, in an objective way, if you were to rank them in height Oh, in height Yeah, who do you say is number two? Micah And who's your, what, oh, number two?

He's number two, I think he's tall Yeah, well, yeah, because you, Micah He's taller than Hannah And I think Hannah, Sarah, Rachel, and Liza I'm gonna edit my question, who do you love the most? And then it's just your thoughtful but quick response Oh, Jake, Micah, and... Oh, he's so funny

So, who do you love the most? Oh, my God All right, great, now we have it So, you know how this show works You're one of the family members that listens to it, correct? Yeah, I do I do, sometimes I have to turn it off I'm gonna be honest if it gets, like, too, like, uncomfortable for me

What's your least favorite thing to hear us talk about? Um, oh, do I really have to say it? Yeah Like, it's tough You don't have to say, like, the explicit words Okay, anything of involving anal anything Oh, jeez, that's right Sorry, you asked a question

Come on, for episode 134, All Anal Monday Christ This is our All Anal questions And since every episode comes out on Monday, it's always All Anal Monday We never get to talk out Tuesday or Women Wednesday It's always All Anal Monday And bonus Thursday Yeah, where we talk about More Anal

This is an anal podcast, actually Now, this is an advice show This is an advice podcast where Jake and I receive emails People who are confused at an impasse, an in-road in their life Is it in-road? I don't think so, but that's okay We'll just let it go And they need our help

Across roads Oh, that's what it is, across roads An impasse at a crossroads An impasse at a crossroads, but not an in-road And we do our best to offer our advice And sometimes it's just us too And sometimes we have you on the show Sometimes we have my mama

Why would you always have my mommy? Yeah, you cry a lot when she's not here I cry when I miss my mom Right, but it happens a lot It goes, what are you doing on your phone? You're resting the microphone on your gut That's not fair You're like a fat adolescent who misses his mommy

Because I think that in-road is actually a phrase No, making an in-road, it is a phrase But it doesn't mean like an impasse An in-road is a sudden, hostile incursion And advance or penetration Oh, and it... Let's load on a pop-up But in context

Advance or penetration, often at the expense of someone or something Usually used in plural I stand corrected You used it completely perfectly We're right that I was wrong I didn't use it This is like when you accidentally make a shot in pool And it doesn't count

I did mean impasse and crossroad To make an in-road with someone is like a positive thing But you ended up saying something kind of right You really did I mean, it's like when you play words with friends And you just like go out there And you just like stick something up And you think, oh, it's not a word

And then it is And it's like so exciting Well, a lot of my intelligence is accidentally being smart That could be the name of my autobiography I think that's really good You got to hold on to that That's like both humble and also very self-centered Because I am saying that I'm smart

But I'm saying it's accidental I think that's really pretty brilliant You seriously... You have to write that down Or trademark it or something Someone's going to swipe that Record it on this show All right, we have some questions that we want to get to

We were seeking your advice So you think you can... Motherly advice Motherly advice Yeah Or just humanly advice It's good because we... Then we should have had a human on the show

Because my mom's a goddamn superhero I love you, bitch Superhero I do I don't know why I'm laughing No, they're not They're superhumans They're super what?

Superhumans Superhumans They're not just regular humans They're superhumans Superhero humans And sit back down You're getting in my space You're getting in my face

And I don't appreciate it You're getting your space, your face Because I want to put you in your place I need a lady's name A lady's name Okay Can I have a theme? You can make it up

I was... One of my favorite movies is Forrest Gump I just love that movie So can it be Jenny or Ginny? Nice Or Ginny It actually can't

Sorry, mom I'm going to say no So we get to veto Vito on the Jenny No, no, no, it can't My dudes I just went on a date with a guy Who I met through some friends

I like him in that We have a lot in common And the conversation is good And he hasn't sent me any dick pics Which is great But he has no sex appeal During the date I tried to imagine kissing him

At the end of the date But it was a no-go Should I go out with him A couple more times To see what happens Or should I call it quits now Do you think physical attraction Can develop over time

Thank you Love Jenny So interesting We were just talking about this Yeah, we absolutely were Do you recall? I do Do you recall what I had to say

On the topic? I completely do Mother I'm holding her hand Mother Do you remember what I say Am I educated, mother? Um, you said in...

Was I eloquent, mother? You were quite eloquent And you were saying that to me Me or I'd like a copy of this podcast Everyone gets a... What do you mean a copy? I'd like my own personal copy Like how?

My mother said I was eloquent No, she did not She did You said, was I eloquent? I answered that question That's right Not in a general way And when you answered that question

You were quite eloquent You said that Wouldn't you say That was in tune And in line with how I usually answer questions Elegantly Sure You're eloquent, elegant

You're leading her, absolutely Let her answer the question You just say, do you think this and this And she says yes or no I think he's not going to let me We're at an in-road Ah, nice I think, Jake, what you said

Was that passion really mattered to you a lot And sexual attraction was really hugely important to you And we were talking about one of your siblings Who will remain nameless Who was feeling that If she liked a person well enough Ooh, and I said the gender So that we'd sort of narrow it down

So we all know it's Micah You little bitch, dude You don't listen to this one Mom's my girl Let your mom answer the question Okay Love you so much I'm sorry, I've heard it off to you

That's fine I'm going to give you thank you For running your friends You're still interrupting I know I'm done I just want to tell my lover She doesn't say that He can't stop himself

Understandable I think what your sibling said Was that over time You could become attracted to someone Sort of like give a person a chance And I kind of agreed with that However, after listening to this I think if this person was on a date

And couldn't even imagine kissing It's too cold If it was, yeah If it was that much of a flat line I think it's really hard to Get a spark from that I mean, that's just Yeah, one of the

It's tough to go from absolute zero After date one to something One of the things One of the, a stereotype Between men and women And that I think is somewhat true I would throw my hat That dudes are smarter

Yeah, that dudes are good When a guy meets a girl He instantly thinks hot or not And when a girl meets a guy That doesn't even like Come into their purview Until at least a little while longer Until they're like

Turned on by their personality And they're like Oh, this guy's actually pretty cool Let me think if he's attractive too And whereas with guys It's just like Oh hi, nice to meet you Would I, could I fuck her

Could I fuck her Do you think I could fuck her Just instantly Would you say that's true Or is it too narrow minded and false I think everybody's different For instance, I meet a girl And I think I'd fuck her

Instantly There's no would I Yeah It's just imagining the scenario In which I would Because I'll go from like This girl's kind of attractive To like I have three sips of whiskey

And I'm imagining her In a wedding veil Yeah And I'm like I'll marry her In the rest of my life With this one So

So you're saying there are some girls That are like that And some guys that are like that Well my My position Which I guess I stated eloquently I don't even really recall It's not important

I guess I was I guess I was really eloquent With this whole thing I guess it was well thought out And let's hear what it is though I think everybody is different Everybody waits it differently So for me personally

It means a lot to have Physical attraction That's the first thing I'm thinking about Similar to your stereotype That all guys are thinking about this And girls are less so I think there are girls that

Well there are exceptions to the rule But I'd say By majority Most guys think about that And most girls do not Yeah but even like Within your stereotype Of

Or within I don't want to keep on calling it Stereotype Within your generality Generalization Yeah Do guys do this I think some guys do it more

There is definitely A spectrum Where like This girl is attractive Or this girl is unattractive But even having that thought You're not writing them off There are some guys who be like

This girl is not attractive So I don't even want to listen To what they have to say Moving on Right And what we're saying About my sister or brother Who is

In this situation In this scenario It's like He or she Doesn't work quite that same way And that's fine They can Find themselves attracted

To the personality Over time And thus Attractive To Attracted to the person But I don't think this email Would come from a guy

I don't think a guy would go out On a girl like This girl is Totally unattractive Should I keep going out with her It depends how desperate you are Though too Like who knows how many dates

This girl has been on That didn't work out And she's finally Gone out with a dude Who's not a total piece of shit So like this girl has been on a date Dates with a hundred dudes Who all suck

And this guy Doesn't suck But he's not great And she's like It's like being on a house hunt for a year And every single place you see Is infested with cockroaches Is dilapidated and falling down

You finally see a place that has A sturdy four walls And isn't infested with asbestos But you're like Do I move my stuff in here Just because it's not falling down Well, didn't she use as a Some kind of parameter

He hadn't sent her a dick pic Yeah, that's a very low Which is like Yeah, that's setting the bar It's a low bar Super low, right? I mean, ew But yeah

That's how bad men are That if you don't send a dick pic Your art automatically catapulted To the top But is that something Like aren't we doing a disservice To be like Hey, this guy didn't send you a dick pic

Go for it Like we should All girls should have a bar That's set way above Dick pic or no dick pic Right, I think not being able To imagine even kissing someone I mean, I don't know

That would be problematical Well, how did it was Your first date with dad I was like, I don't know, 13 So And he was what, 29? Yeah He's a cradle robber

And now he just turned into A regular robber as he grew up What are you talking about? He's a lawyer He bleeds people dry He's an ambulance chaser No, he's not Oh my god, he is

He's an estate and tax attorney That's exactly right He's a very So he's a purse chaser Death and taxes That's all the certainties My dad plays it safe He is so full of integrity

Playing it safe is playing it boring Well, I mean Can you even call it playing anything? Getting back to the question Sure I actually You're not worried about fending dad, are you? Because he's definitely not listening

He's never done anything to support me or you Oh We're on our own, baby You and me in California, honey Actually, I think the first time we kissed It was, I don't know We were friends for such a long time And I kind of didn't know what to expect

And the kiss went better than I expected Oh I have to say That's pretty cool A friendship kiss Yeah That turned into a, whoa Into a more passionate kiss

This doesn't really apply to this woman's situation No, it doesn't She went on a date So there's no Ambiguity about Friends or about friends That's right And I agree

I agree The guy is in it for He wants romance He wants that And I don't know I would say at the most Try one more date And if the

Yeah, no more than a second date Yeah And if you don't find yourself attracted to him But you think he's a nice guy Then you say And actually mean Let's just be friends But do you give the reason?

I don't know if I'm attracted to you in that way No, I think you can be definitive Without giving a reason Unless they ask for it You just say I don't see this going anywhere But it was really nice to meet you Why?

You should be friends What don't I have? Yeah, like it takes a special kind of person To say that Am I not good in the following ways? Sexual If someone broke up with me I would probably just be like

Okay, like I don't want to know Why I was rejected But then how are you going to get better? But you would actually ask You're fine I think I know my flaws enough That like if I got broken up with I would be like

Oh, it was probably one of these three things Yeah, three major things That are bad with you That I know of myself Yeah What would you say they are? Just right off the bat That I'm untrustworthy

Of course I'm aloof Yeah And I don't really know what the third thing would be Those are the big two I guess like if somebody broke up with me It would be because they didn't trust me And they thought I would cheat on them or something

Yeah Or I did cheat on them And they found out Yeah Or you just became disinterested Yeah I started pulling away And they could see that

Right Distance But Amir, you would actually ask someone If they said, you know I just don't think it's working out That's a good question You would ask I think I would be more curious

I'm pretty good at taking constructive criticism Or just any criticism Like I have years of doing internet comedy Have left me with skin so thick That you can't really offend me too much And then when I've had like bad news delivered to me I'd be like, okay, I don't like break down I'm like, okay, that's interesting

Let me synthesize that Ignore it because this bitch is probably wrong I think that's a It's sort of a blessing You have like a high High opinion of yourself sounds like Almost a bad thing to say to somebody But like

You don't have a low sense of self-worth I have a high self-esteem Yeah Yeah Your confidence Yeah, self-aware And I think that's a good thing So things don't erode it

Yeah Just that external stuff I definitely am not that way I'm really sensitive Like if someone says something even mildly critical I just, you know Oh my God, what if they're all thinking that What if they're right

Yeah Well, I assume they're right And you twist even a compliment into How did that Was that a back-handed compliment? I do that Your hair looks nice Oh, does that mean that my eyes look tired?

Or does it usually look bad? Yeah I do that It's a very, it's a terrible thing So I give you so much credit, that's awesome I don't know how it happened Maybe because I was Years of internet comedy, maybe

I mean, that really I think, like, do you read the comments When people comment, like, on your videos and stuff? Sometimes, not all of them I have never looked at a comment Oh, really? Never, I've looked at your comments Oh, that's nice

But then if it's a negative comment I get really upset And then I don't look at it anymore Don't worry about me, mama You have to take the source, though If it comes from our Reddit It's a smart person Telling me interesting critique

About a certain thing If it comes from YouTube, that's the equivalent Of a seven-year-old dirty idiot Who runs up to me on the street And yells, you're not funny And then ran away And I'm like, what the heck? They got hit by a car

And they're like, whoa, what was that? I wouldn't actually synthesize And take that information in So you have to understand the source That's it Don't talk to my mama She doesn't have to do anything Oh, Jake

Holy shit Say the word and I'll pull the plug I don't know how to edit the podcast But I'll figure it out It's all in that little square You're pointing at my shoe My square shoe So you say give her one more chance

I think one more date and then cut it off But it's not looking good to me Yeah That's just how I'm feeling The prognosis is doubtful Yeah But not out I would say tepidly one more date as well

I'll switch it up and say Just move on Find someone that does turn you on What's better, going out with someone Who's like this, great personality Unattractive or a really attractive idiot Interesting I think she has to look into her heart

And see the sum of her experiences And what she wants right now Does she want to have fun and not be that serious With somebody, then sexy idiot will be An enjoyable time Or has she been with too many sexy idiots And they've led her astray And she doesn't feel like she's emotionally connected

With anybody Now she wants a smart uggo Yeah, so it depends on what you want right now Yeah, I mean she was saying good things About his personality But I think she sounds like She's looking for the whole package She's looking for both

Yeah, a lot of guys have the whole package Yeah, some guys do I mean I know I would rather go out with a guy Who wasn't conventionally attractive Dude, I know Like you'd rather go out with anybody than Cad Right? Who are you into?

Like we'll figure this out She's what? She's saying I would rather go out with who? Dad is so perfect for me He really is I know you have a very low opinion of your dad But I don't have an opinion of my dad

I don't have a dad But if I did I do love my dad He's a good man He is He's good to you Did he treat you well? Hey, I love any good man who's good to my mother

He provides Does he not provide? He provides He's a good man He makes that money And that's what we want Security But he's also very nice, thoughtful

Yeah, and smart He is rich You're right I was saying, aside from the money thing He is a good and fun person to have around He's really quirky He lights up the room when he walks in He absolutely does

He's like a really interesting guy It helps him sign clients and make money And I think that's definitely a good valuable It's a valuable one Stop thinking about value as a monetary game He's a very literal guy, jakey Yeah, no I'm happy dad's rich

What would you rather have, a dad or let's say A duffle bag shaped like your dad filled with cash It's interesting That's a scary question My dad is shaped like a duffle bag My dad's a backpack He's a bumpy cylinder What did we say that your dad was once in an episode?

He was a bat or like a... What was it? Fuck Is it a cactus or something? I don't know Oh no, a pumpkin You were saying that my dad was a pumpkin Your dad is a squash

He's a gourd Oh man, I don't think I heard that one I gotta go find it I'm gonna be scolded after this podcast My dad's a very handsome, just strapping little lawyer man Speaking of dads, we got a question about fathers Oh, cool Do you have a question, a name of a male?

From Forest Gump From Forest Gump Okay, how about Lieutenant Dan? Nice You got new legs Forest was slow He was slow He was a lovable idiot

I'm happy goofball Who played Forest? What happened to that guy? Tom Hanks, yeah? I haven't heard about him since the 90s He was big in that movie He sort of fell off the map Yeah, like a cast away

That was his right to start with Oh, nice Very witty Wilson, I'm sorry That's a pretty good Tom Hanks impression, right? Wilson Wilson, I'm sorry That was good

Thank you I'm a boy of 19 in a sticky situation One of my friends, who is a girl, talks and praises her father way too much Her mother's an alcoholic, which is probably the reason she loves and admires her father so much And I respect that But she talks about her father and his job all the fucking time To this day, I do not know what her dad works with But the things she has told me about him are

There is a nude painting of him in an art museum in New York He danced ballet at an elite level He's an excellent lawyer He's been a taxi driver He works with organizing charity organizations He has stopped a civil war in China and was thanked by the president He's been invited to the world's best restaurant twice The list is long, but here's the real sitch

People in our class are beginning to get really annoyed at her For talking about her father all this time And they don't really believe a single thing she says And this generally affects her and my reputation I have met her father and I do not believe many of the stories she tells But I feel like she needs to have a superhero dad Because of an alcoholic piece of shit mom she has But on the other hand, she doesn't know why people are shutting her out

And this makes her very sad I could tell her to stop talking about her dad so much But I'm afraid what this would do to her Would it make her sad? What should I do? Thanks, love, Lieutenant Dan Oh I was going to say, is it a female?

No, the guy asking the question, sorry That's a really complicated... Jake, can you even wrap your head around a child who respects and reveres his father so much? Yeah, it's funny, I have the opposite problem Which is you can't stop talking about My mom Didn't you say your mom's been invited to the world's best restaurant twice? My mom cooks the world's best restaurant

Just our house You never made a meal I didn't love mom The cold pasta, the leftover chicken The veggie burgers, remember? We don't want to forget those It's hard to feed eight kids It is, and I did not do it well I'll be completely forthcoming

I will say dinner at our house was always bland It was bland And that's being kind You still have that taste Yeah, I like your attractiveness You're not a good cook I love you so much No, I'm not

I love you so much I can't pretend to be I'm a terrible cook Everything you made was bad And the best food we ever had was mediocre Jesus Christ Yeah, I'm not even going to take exception to it It's the truth

It's like a criticism No, it is not You're not giving her any pieces of useful advice Everything was delicious Your pizza on point I can make pizza and cookies Immaculate Oh yeah, your cookies are great

Thank you, that's it Are you kidding me? You're fucking meatloaf? Love Your meatloaf was insane Thank you, Jake It was insane I was going to say thank you

You are so kind But you've got to understand I'm not kind Have you ever had meatloaf at anyone else's house? Have you ever? I don't need meatloaf at anybody else's house But it tastes nothing like mine And it's not because mine was good

This is yours is the best No, mine's pretty It was made with crackers, honey Instead of meat Yeah You get that right Crackers She chewed up salt and cheese

She drooled up to a pan Oh, Amir, that's my secret That wasn't meat What are you talking about? You were eating cracker What was it, mom? You were eating cracker It was ketchup

It was What's crackers and what, mom? Ketchup, honey That's it What about the meat, mom? There was meat in there Somehow There was an egg

I saw you eating There's an egg in there? I saw you eating just the bun of a hamburger yesterday And saying this meatloaf is delicious It is delicious Sorry, hun I loved our dinners This person has a problem

Yeah I mean, that's actually a really complex problem I feel really sorry for the guy in the... Why not be as open as possible? If someone smells, tell them they smell It hurts for a little while But it's helpful in the long term It kind of sounds like this guy is projecting his problem

A little bit I can only assume the truth is what this person's written Right I like to delve a little deeper I know you like... You're all surface I'm cut and dry I am black and white

I like to create a story Yeah, I'm not I like to create an equation A problem that can be solved With one simple bit of advice And it's tell the truth Boom, next We're on to the next one

I don't think the truth always works Not like that I think you got to get to the root of the problem Which is... Maybe he's starting to The girl doesn't respect her mother The girl... She might not respect her father

So she's creating this... Figment of her imagination Yeah, it doesn't sound real I mean, he couldn't possibly be this person I don't believe There is some sort of psychological thing going on Where she's creating a mythical father That's so good that she doesn't have to

Address her faulty mom But what I didn't... See what he's doing Is he's shutting her down And being annoyed And like never getting... He's getting little pieces of information Like the bullet points of

This is what I know of her father right now Yada, yada, yada He should sit down with her And be like, Civil War in China, huh? Tell me more I'd like to talk to your father about this Why don't you just embrace this And find out everything there is to know

About this girl's dad It won't take you forever It's like reading an autobiography And then you'll be done She'll feel like she expelled everything from her It actually reminds me of Forrest Gump It's like, oh, my dad Played ping-pong in the Olympics

And also was a football player in Alabama He was also in Vietnam He also started a shrimp restaurant Long story short, you fucked up on the name This question should have been for us I think it's pretty close For us, we might have to go with that next question Yeah, actually, if anything, it was a good name

Because this question came from somebody who knew Forrest I'm sorry But one thing that... A curve that the letter took was that He met her father I almost thought that it was going to be one of those things Where she talked about this guy And he never materialized

Because he wasn't really there Because he wasn't really there Because I had friends in high school who had boyfriends And then the boyfriends, they were always supposed to come down And, you know, meet them somewhere But then they got sick Or, you know, it was always not true When I was growing up, I had girlfriends in California

For sure I lied about having girlfriends in California All of my friends did Girls from Canada, California Oh, that's an actual thing you did? Yeah, like during sleepovers All the guys would just talk about their girlfriends They had from other states

Is that true? Yeah I mean, I don't know if everybody does that But me and my friends did that How old were you? Uh, 28 Oh, no You actually did have a girlfriend in California at the time

That's why I must have been 12 That's funny Lying about that Oh, that is funny I think it's just because we wanted to talk about Like Relationships and

Yeah, and sex and What not Yeah Yeah Etc And that makes sense So what do you say to this lady? I think that he should be forthright

I think that it's eroding the relationship To have the guys start Lieutenant Dan Start getting to be, you know, annoyed by it And it also sounds like she's not got A great relationship with kids at school So, um, I mean, my feeling would be It's causing a lot of damage and the truth

Has to come out Yeah Somewhere or other Like, it could be playful Like, all right, let's talk about something else The end Just guide it To be like positive and guide the conversation in another direction

But that's not getting to the root of the issue Yeah, but I feel like Sweeping the weed to the left and right I want to pull it out Shred it Drink it Shit it Eat it

Pee it Flush it down the toilet It's out of here So it started out you want to eat a weed Then you want to eat your shit I was there up to the pull it Then it was like what? Flush it out of here

But I mean, do you see this relationship Going anywhere? Do you think this girl is going to be Psychologically healthy enough to continue? Well, it sounds like they're just friends Oh, okay They're just a female friend Okay, so yeah, as a kindness to her then

Yeah, I would be honest Or you can leave her be and then She'll just gradually get washed away Just mutter away into a field Talking about her father And he was actually on the Apollo 11 mission She's like on a bus stop talking about her dad Yeah

And another thing that he did was He had a bee hive and he grew honey for a long time My dad was a bee He was actually a He would buzz around My dad was a bee My dad was a bee Yeah

Yeah, he had his own honey And also my dad was a shah And then yeah Be the shah My dad was a bee, a shah He was a He was a shake He was a shake

Yeah I don't quite understand why Nobody said anything up to now though It sounds like she's been kind of Pathologically lying her way through this for a while Yeah No one's ever It's hard for us to wrap our heads around it

Because like we can't imagine a A decent father figure Me and you It's like Well maybe your mom's dad was a decent father figure Yeah Well my grandfather's He was a good man

Is a good man How do you feel about him? Let's get to the complex That again is a very complex Complex issue Now he was a typical like 1960s dad They didn't get too involved Yeah

With us Aloof dad, good grandfather Yeah I think all guys Yeah I think that's true Well it's not everybody but A lot You just get sweet as you get old

Because you're like Oh good dad Because you're really vulnerable Hard and excuse me Dead soon Yeah Like a ripe Unripe piece of fruit

You'll get mushy and soft by the end Oh that's a really good analogy So what's gonna happen You were mushy and soft your whole life baby Are you gonna harden? I've never bit I don't think They say that you either get

Mushy and soft or you like shrivel And get bitter And I think I'm just I was mushy and soft To begin with and I'll just Continue mushy and soft That's just the way I am Love you baby

Love you too baby Let's take a break Let's take a break real quick We'll thank a few sponsors And then we'll come back Maybe answer one more question Does that sound good? Very cool

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This is perfect for when we're back Keep talking I will do that This is it We're back now We're back You love our ads I love the way you guys deliver ads

It's so sincere And the thing is Because we don't have cable at home And you know this, Jake We don't watch regular television with ads You miss the ads I miss the ads I do in a weird way

But when I hear your ads I don't know I'm just reminded of everything I love about advertising The sincerity Just this kind of like Let's send this clip to Whoever sponsored this episode

That's a good idea And I think you guys have great delivery Like, I would At one point Our dog passed away I can't even bring myself To say the word die Nelly, when Nelly died

When? Oh, no What the fuck is this? It's ambushed and gotcha journalism I needed to tell you this way, honey But I'm floored I'm floored at this

But there was You were There was something That you were selling for No one fucking called me Oh, Jake I'm so sorry They're just

I ran out of time I'm sorry I just e-mailed my ass You didn't text my shit I don't know What can I say? Are you? It's indefensible

Was there a service? Um, yeah Very small cremation Just the family Just the immediate family Just everyone but you Just the nuclear family I think you went to our last dog's death

Bob? Yeah? I was not there Oh, that's right You wouldn't go You were the only one, am I correct? I had to work that day No, I think

You just couldn't bring yourself to it Yeah, I couldn't do it Bob was euthanized And Jake, you're a sensitive soul Did I know you then? No, this one, I was in high school Wait, you had a dog when I met you guys Yes, that was Nelly

Oh, Nelly died? Yeah, Nelly died When did that happen? Nobody fucking talks about it Nelly died on Christmas Day This Christmas? Yeah You were home

Yeah Yeah So this happened recently? Yes, it happened recently No, wait, it didn't happen on Christmas It happened on Christmas You told me about it I did, I called

You were in New York That's right Yeah, but it happened on Christmas morning Wow At 10 o'clock And they were preparing to euthanize her And she actually just died on her own That's kind of sweet

Which is, it's kind of a beautiful thing Save the needle Yes, like, I'm fine I'm good I'm cool, I'm going And she just But you had already given the dog away, right? Yes, to Gordon, who is the dog whisperer

The coolest man in the world How did we start from ads and end up here? I don't even know Oh, the ad you said Oh, yeah, I wanted to buy You had some Bark box Bark box

And I was like, I'm getting this I'm totally getting this And it was because of You were very persuasive Dad plays with the chew toys Dad is eating a milk bone When I walk into the door Well, that's one of the things

That people like about podcast ads is one It's sort of like the old school TV approach Where it's like, we're going to stop for a minute And have the actual people who are doing the show Talk to you guys about toothpaste Or whatever Yeah, or meandies Which is something I'd never heard of before

But now I know what they are I think they're really cool I've watched several pairs of them Yeah, and it helps that we actually like The majority of this stuff Yeah Sometimes we do have to lie Occasionally

But who knows about which one They'll never know I can never know You guys just sound so sincere That I actually would be shocked to find out That you were not being completely truthful We do lie sometimes I'm surprised

That's right But the majority of the stuff we've been fortunate We've either used before Or they sent it to us And it's so great That we don't mind raving about it on our show That's true Well, that nature box

I've eaten my share of that Yeah, nature box is great We have it at our house Meandies is great Everything we have is mostly great Yeah What else do we want to talk about? Did you have anything you wanted to mention

Or plug before we go? Oh, I know, yeah I'll mention or plug something That's what I'll do I wrote a novel What? I did Who?

I wrote a novel What have you done with your life, Lumenfeld? Let her finish And it's... I know it's going to be a long list of other things No, that's the title of the novel Jesus It's actually called Disappear Home

It's a young adult novel It's published by Aber Whitman Perfect because we have a podcast For lots of young adults Yeah, well, I mean, it's like Actually, I think it's one of those young adult novels Like Fault in Our Stars Or Hunger Games

Even although not at all That same genre as Hunger Games Dead kids? No What's the age range for young adults When they say young adults? Usually 13 to 17 Oh, that's a very specific

And I would say that that's pretty appropriate For this one Who's the publisher? I talked to her Albert Whitman It's there in Chicago And what's the name of the book again? Disappear Home

And that actually is a title that they My editor gave the book My original title was Flower Children Because it's about a hippie family Back in 1970 Who have to escape this really Depraved commune So there's, yeah, there's a little

It's a little bit dark, but That's why I like the title Disappear Home Yeah, it's a little It's more ominous It is very ominous I mean, they have to They have to get out of there So is it available?

Are you still writing? How does it work? No, it's actually It's available You can pre-order it So it's not available The Amazon and Barnes & Noble It's available for pre-order

No, and it will be It actually will be Sorry, I'm being such an asshole I got into this moe Semantics You're completely right You're totally cracked You know, I pre-ordered it

Thank you You can go on Amazon.com and pre-order I pre-ordered the hard cover copy Whoa, thank you Not even the e-book Wow The Amazon has that rank You see that sales rank

Yeah And it doesn't take a lot To boost it up To boost it up So if we can push the needle right here If we can move some units That'll be a great, great help So the thing that helps

I think the thing that helps Is writing a positive review Yeah I know that Goodreads wrote a review Someone wrote a review And I know it got I think out of five stars It got four

Wow Which I think for Goodreads is good I mean, that sounds kind of like Okay, I got a B No, no, no I could have gone 100 Four to five is pretty much as good as it gets Four to five is

Five is as good as it gets Well, five is like a masterpiece You deserve your five And I'd like to talk to that I think No, Ketcher in the Rye Meets Lolita Meets

Meets, yeah Scarface Maybe that's why she got a four The third movie she tried to cram in there Wait, I thought you were out here Working on that book No, I'm working on my third novel, actually Holy sheesh

So is this number two disappearing home? Yeah, number two is Disappear Home Number one was It's called Airstream But that was not out yet And that's not out yet That's still in the queue

So your number two novel is going to come out first Right So when does Disappear Home come out? Kind of like to kill a mockingbird, actually Right, like the whole Harper Lee sequel Yeah, the sequel is coming out second Right, exactly So when does Disappear Home come out?

March 15th That is soon It's soon It's like a month And you can pre-order it now You pre-order it on Amazon Amazon, Barnes & Noble Or they said the local, your local book shop

You can go in and just ask for it there I don't want to support that Right And then what was the other mega-corp That's killing everyone I also just want to mention I read I read my mom's book on an airplane

When I was on my way home for Christmas last year And I hadn't cried since high school, I think And I bawled my eyes out Oh, Jake Full on Not even just like tears on my face Like the Oh, my gosh

Breathing from words That is so sweet Thank you That was really good That is the nicest thing you've ever said That's so sweet You made me cry You made me so sad

That's how bad the book was I'm like, I don't know how to confront her when I land And I started bawling She didn't even ask me for notes But I knew I had to give them So Disappear Home, order it Disappear Home Yeah

Read a review if you think it's great Yeah And thanks for your support Everybody has its own hashtag Hashtag Disappear Home Right, hashtag Disappear Home No, nothing Like my mom was like

Hashtags are good They boost the They boost the marketing And I was like, no It's like I didn't know how hashtags work Greenlight Disappear Home Maybe you can have a TV show before we do Oh, that's a good idea

No, you guys You guys are going somewhere I'm telling you There's a real shortage of Fine, fine comedy Do you think TBS is going to pick up our show? Yeah, they better They better

Or you're going to keep tweeting Oh, my God I am They don't want that on their hands Can we answer one more question? We're running long time But I want to get to it Okay

Your advice is sage Yeah Do you have anything else you want to promote before? No, that's about it What about your Twitter account? Your Tumblr Tumblr Oh, yeah

I have a blog It's lollyblog.tumblr.com Yeah And I write every day And I love I love that kind of short format Yeah Come for the pictures of Jake

And stay for the good writing Yeah And there are pictures of Jake New ones, too Yeah Actually, last week Yeah Speaking of nude pics

That brings us to our last question We need another guy Another guy's name Okay, we didn't use Forrest last time So let's do Forrest Run Forrest Go Forrest I mean, you already wrote Forrest

Hey, Jake and Amir So I'm in high school And I'm the guy who makes films For my school's assemblies and stuff I was given the job Of making a promo video For my school's spirit week And I had this dope idea

Involving a male teacher Walking in slow-mo Through the hallway Anyway When the video played At the assembly Everyone started laughing At one part of the video

As it turns out There was a shot in the video That was completely zoomed in On my teacher's crotch As he was walking Not only that But apparently His bulging dick

Was clearly swaying in the shot I hadn't noticed this As it was supposed to be Showing his hands moving Everyone started making fun Of me for it And the teachers were fucking pissed At me for displaying

The penis of one of the teachers Anyway The principal emailed me And asked me to edit That shot out of the video For the middle school assembly Next week I haven't replied

But I really don't think I should have to do it The promo film is my vision With or without the dick shot And I don't think The school should be able To limit that vision What do you guys think I should do

Thank you Forrest I'm sorry to laugh I'm sure it was an earnest question He should edit it out You just should edit it out You come from a school You worked in a school

You are an artist And you cannot compromise I mean it's true I did work in a school I was in middle school And on a high school teacher But it sounds like It was a promo

How much of the artistry Was in the dick shot I would say 60% of the artistry Was in the bulging dick It went from being a mistake That he left in there by accident to This is my vision I mean it was supposed to be

Of the hands Why don't you shift focus And show his hands swaying I think yeah I mean it's nice that you make the video But your art's not unimpeachable yet You haven't earned that right Is high school a dictatorship?

Whatever the principle says goes A little bit Is there any sense of checks and balances? Do the parents get a say? I was in an independent school You know private school And sometimes the parents did get a say And that's because it's their money

Exactly It's a different I think than public school In the public school it's like I say this and you have to Either do it or leave That's it That's a dictatorship Yeah

Yeah I would say that's pretty much The way it is Jake was in public school And then he couldn't You just wouldn't fall in line He tried to throw a coup How many failed coups did you have? I had a coup

Yeah I had a coup A mutata And a mutata Yeah I mean A cute knee There was an uprising That's it

I mean I think And several protests I did actually In sixth grade I had a protest You did You did Protested What did you do?

No homework? Oh this was really good I didn't go to class I didn't go to school And you got other people to stand outside With you in like picket It was really impressive You got a homosexual teacher fired

There was this thing that we did Called nature's classroom Where all of the sixth grade class Would go to a camp for a week And we would like Take classes, play sports It was like camp with your With your class

With an ecology kind of focus And you protested that No they were the first They'd done it every single year All through like my kindergarten Up through sixth grade And they look forward to it Every class at sixth grade went

And we're looking forward to it And that year they said There's not going to be any nature's classroom So I was very upset And I got a bunch of my friends to Not go to school to protest We had signs And we stayed out front

For like an hour before The principal came out Brought us in Gave us all late slips And made us go to class And a year after I left We found out that That principal had been

Stealing money from the school Oh my god That is completely true And that's why they couldn't Afford nature's classroom I would not be surprised Because they said there wasn't Enough money in the school treasury

And she had been siphoning funds That's exactly true Holy shit I was in the right You were a whistleblower And that false sense of self entitlement Carries with you through this day That's what brought on the mutinies

In high school Yeah, the failed ones You were like, watch this Did she steal money though? And they said no And you're like, really? Overthrowing Never again

I thought every protest Led to some sort of Investigator report It's a real shame to sink Your first three-pointer And then feel like you can play basketball And miss every other time you shoot That's what they say about bad three-pointers

You want to have them make their first one Because then it's like You know they're going to miss the next seven Oh, interesting That is interesting Yeah, I forgot about that That's a very good memory It really was

A lot of people really respect A lot of parents really respected you They still do So unfortunately, kid You got to change the video Yeah, just get And the word bulging Is also a little bit suspicious

I'm sure the teacher doesn't appreciate it Or does he? Or does he? I was going to say Your video already showed to all of your peers In the up- You really want to fight to leave it in For the middle school assembly

Just edit it out This is a good origin story For a porn director Yeah They wouldn't let me show my bulge Cool We're all in agreement there Anything else you wanted to say before

You had to leave us for another Hundred and some odd episodes maybe Oh my god I love you guys I love you too And you guys deserve To have the best show On not only TBS

But any Every network Oh my gosh A multi-network TV show You should be the head of the network I've said that for a long time I'd actually stage a coup d'etat I know

You're constantly trying to stage Any of the top networks You know Actually, Jake That gives me an idea You got any cardboard? We can To Atlanta

Seriously Let's do it I also don't have any cardboard So I guess Well, fuck We're at a list An iPod or something If you have your own questions

That you want us to tackle Or your own theme song submissions Send those to ifiroushowatgmail.com If you have your own thumbnail art For the podcast We're accepting those as well We need Any free help we can get

At this point The email address for everything Is ifiroushowatgmail.com We start and close every episode With an original theme song So this is close to 250 Some odd theme songs The opening one was by

Grandmaster Kate And this last one was by Somebody named Andrew Carey Sounds fun, right guys? It does Thanks again Bye, guys Love you

Bye Are they great, mama? The end Is just a Jew-ass fall Follow Jake's every bit of advice Jake is the light of my life Ask for a pair

Guess he's alright If Jay was Batman I'd be Robin So near would be the penguin We'd solely kill him Then Jay can die Could be together Never apart

Only love in our heart If I were you If I were you, boo I love Jake And he loves me too Thank you for watching Don't forget to subscribe To the channel

And follow us on Twitter And follow us on Twitter And follow us on Twitter And follow us on Twitter And follow us on Twitter