If I Were You - 136: Male Stripper

Episode Date: February 23, 2015

In this episode we discuss how to change your lover and dating Nicki Minaj.This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com, DollarShaveClub.com, and TaxAct.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Music Jingle on me here, they come from different worlds Amir is good at mouth and jake loves texting girls And may sound crazy, but you should try Shooting out an email when you need some good advice They will tell you what to do So listen to it if I were you So listen to it if I were you

Music Darius Rucker himself, Todan, thank you We've been hooded We got hooded by the blowfish It's funny, if you're 20 years old and under You don't realize that hoody was the biggest thing That was the only song at one decade He's still wildly popular

Is he? Yeah, he's like a big country singer Darius Rucker Darius Rucker, not hoody and the blowfish But Darius Rucker is a big time country star That guy who wrote the song's name is CJ Mom And he said, if you like it please shout out My internet radio station popsourceradio.com

Alright, we liked it, we shouted it out We're even CJ That's enough We owe you nothing more CJ You and me, we come from different worlds CJ We're done here now CJ Hoody Hoody

I love it If you have your own theme song, let's just ask for it right now It doesn't have to be parody, it can be in a ridge You can send that to if I were you show at gmail.com Gracias How's it going? Fine Sorry

Let's stick to the script I forgot that every one of these episodes is thoroughly Specifically scripted, that's why we only do one a week It takes us six days to write, rehearse, and sound casual I'm off book Oh really? I'm off book right now I'm off book, I'm off book, yeah

Wow, look at that Insane Insane, that's correct, that's your next line Stop reading the long script Jesus, you're good I know My talent is being able to talk as if I'm not reading Yeah, like right now it sounds like I'm, I don't know, making up words on the spot

Whoa, yeah, definitely Yeah But you're actually reading I can read along with you, here we go Okay Alright Alright Here we go

Let's get started This is If I Were You The only advice podcast on the internet Hosted by us I'm Amir And I'm Jake Wow This is Highline

We are through the looking glass How's your mom's book selling? I don't know, there were, I can tell you this much When I first logged on to Amazon it said there were ten left in stock Yeah And then there were seven left in stock last night And this morning there's four left in stock So where, where

So it's moving We're moving units I don't know how many books they printed initially Like how much is in a first run I feel like books are so unpopular these days I think ten Just those ten So it'd be really funny if we could sell out the ten copies they printed

And have them really scrambled to make more They'll think they have the next Harry Potter on their hands I started reading it last night You did? Yeah How do you like it? Good, I'm on page twelve Alright

I just realized I don't really read fiction Yeah, yeah It's like it feels like I know this is a wrong thing to think But it's like shouldn't I read nonfiction Shouldn't I learn real stuff? Like if I'm gonna be spending time reading I should be learning

Yeah Instead of just reading a story I think you learn stuff from fiction though I mean that's why they have you read Catcher in the Rye when you're younger Yeah, it's more like Life lessons and sort of being empathetic and human Yeah

Following a story But it's like in school you go to history class And they don't like sometimes it's like Okay, I'm just gonna tell you a fictional story Yeah That's how I view reading as It's like oh I have to If I'm gonna be reading

I'm gonna be learning something real Yeah I like reading nonfiction because like You read something and you're like Holy shit that's crazy And then you check in with yourself And it really happened Yeah

Don't get me wrong I think I'm incorrect It is good to read fiction I think it's good to read both Yeah And I guess this is a good way to If you like me are only reading nonfiction It's a fun way because I know that

Your mom wrote it Yeah, that's nice I never know the author That's true Like Now you do Yeah My little mother

Mommy Your little mother I'm so proud of you Mommy, I love you Alright I love my mother I know I really do

I know She's a saint and a queen And you're my mate Now she's an author On top of that all That's true My mom's accolades Do nothing but diminish other mothers

No, I don't think so Well dude I think my mom's the best, right? Okay So that means there's gotta be a mom That's in the middle And there's gotta be a mom that's the worst You only imagine moms in threes

Well I think there's three There's sort of middle of the road moms You're dead alright Best moms Mine Yeah And then number one mine And then like

The bottom The bottom half The worst I think your mom is Honestly Jesus I do think You're tiptoeing around

Why don't you just Your mother Scum of the earth A bottom feeder at the Mariana Trench I'm serious She's a flat fish I was gonna let it go An eel

She's actually a worm under the ocean Can you imagine that? No The Mariana Trench Sand at the bottom Below that There are worms that haven't been discovered yet Yeah

That's your mother My mom's written 11 books Yeah And they were all fucking great That's why I'm jealous I was thinking yesterday about like I think like My mom did such a great job

At being a parent Like I liked being raised by her Doesn't that not happen everybody? Yeah Did you ever Were you ever ashamed of your mom? Did you ever go through the teenage period Were you embarrassed by your mom?

I was never embarrassed by my mom You never hated her? I only Grown loving her more and more each day I definitely had I mean we had our Spats and fights and stuff You yelled at her angrily

Yeah But never in like There was never a period of time where I thought she sucked And now as an adult Do you have any like critiques like Oh I wish she would have done this differently Uh No

You think she She aced it She threw a perfect game Yeah At Child Child Revolution Yeah 4% Perfect

Yeah She can do no wrong So she killed it Nailed it And she had six children So she had to juggle a lot Well I think she focused on me For instance

Micah's a problem child Yeah absolutely He's a little piece of shit I think it's because he was neglected He's a dirt devil He's a bottom feeder He's a worm Mixed up my mom

It's a body on a trench Uh alright Let's get started This is an advice podcast People email us If I were you show at gmail.com And they're in a sticky situation A difficult dilemma

An impasse in their lives And they're wondering if we have any advice for them Sticky situation Difficult dilemma Yeah The alliterations That's really nice Sticky situation

A difficult dilemma A rough road Yeah A rough road A rough road Impractical impasse And they're seeking advice They're seeking solace

They're asking it after advice And Our offering Is to tell Them No We've started a pattern that I don't want to continue How we can help

Let's low Let's low Let's low Let's low baby It's a slant rhyme Alright this is a real email From a real person Gonna give him a fake name

To preserve his anonymity Nice Maybe we should name him after characters in your mom's book That's a lovely idea Disappear home Available on Amazon right now So we'll call this guy Adam Nice

Hi, my name is Adam I'm 16 years old And a new fan of the show To give some background information I got into my first real relationship Four months ago In which I've had everything for my first kiss All the way to my first

Blow job Fuck yeah dude Here's the issue I'm a pretty self-conscious guy And she doesn't often give me compliments on my looks Unless I tell her that I don't think that I'm attractive I wouldn't have a problem with this If it weren't for the fact

That she often says how attractive other guys are For example, one time I was looking through her pictures Her looking through them with me When I find a picture of a male model And she tells me to click away As she gets shivers It doesn't end there It'll be people we know

She'll say that so and so is so hot Or as once said about a friend of mine Sexy as fuck Am I over exaggerating? Should I tell her that this is really discouraging for me? Or should I just suck it up? I am known to often overthink Any feedback would be greatly appreciated

Thanks, love Adam Wow That was a real rollercoaster of a question for me Because at first you didn't know what to think Well, at first that wouldn't really be... Sorry, that wouldn't be a rollercoaster At first I didn't know what to think But then you started thinking

I guess that would be sort of like a tower of terror Yeah, it starts high and then it just falls But this is like... I started with like... This guy sucks She doesn't give me compliments unless I insult myself That's so insecure And you're just like baiting for compliments

But then it sounds like she's like... She sounds awful So you went from being on her side To being on his side by the end I think, well, yeah I don't know, I feel bad for him at least Right But is it this heartache worth blowjobs?

Yeah Blowjobs are pretty cool, buddy And this is the only girl that will ever blow you So let's stick it out Well, she is 16 Who knows when the next blowjob will come I don't know I don't really buy staying in a relationship

Because sex is good Doesn't it seem like you would buy that? No, because sex is good all the time, anywhere But if someone is horrible and it gives you an amazing sex I don't think that one person is so good at sex That it would ever be worth me feeling bad in any other way Like, sex is good all the time And if you find somebody else who's like

This person is really great They make me feel amazing and the sex is bad Then, like, hey, you got a little closer But you still haven't nailed it So, like, let's keep on looking I guess it matters what your priorities are Well, I just think that there's enough people in the world That you can always find something that satisfies way, like

If not all of your needs A bunch of them Lots of check marks That's very optimistic of you It's very true of me Well, that... That's all, folks! Next question

I'm still reading the script That's not true for everybody Yes, it is Some people have to take the blows with the blows That's not true You know what I mean? No, I don't So some people...

You're saying some people have to be unhappy and get good blowjobs? That's right You know what? That's better than being unhappy and getting no blowjobs Because out there, there's a guy who is confident and secure And doesn't mind hearing his girlfriend say that other guys are hot But also likes blowjobs So this girl sounds like a good fit for that guy and not this guy You know what I'm saying?

So this guy isn't necessarily good for this girl I think there's, like, we all... Let's everybody, right now, stop whoever we're hooking up with And move one to the left Whoa! You think everyone's just off by that? I think if we all shift, it'll be with our perving mates And by the left, what do you mean by that?

Literally To the left, to the left Everything you own in a box to the left In closet That's my stuff Yes, if I bought it Please don't... Is that the actual...

You must not know about me You must not know about me Is that all true? Everything you own in a box to the left? Yes What does that mean? It doesn't matter I guess, yeah, I think it just means that's where the box is

Gotcha So what would you suggest to this guy? I think... Well, initially Perhaps a conversation Because it's kind of weird to, like, break up with her out of the blue And she'll be pretty confused Yeah

So you might say Hey, I don't really like hearing about You finding other guys attractive Maybe wait until she does it And then you say Hey, I'm gonna stop you right there What just happened? I don't like that

Maybe, like, a slap on the wrist Or, like, how you hit a cat on the nose Yeah Rub her nose in Like, if she's... So she's, like, looking at your friend saying he's sexy Rub her nose in him No!

No! Maybe a spray bottle Yeah So, like, you're training someone I think you say Excuse me That made me feel bad For the following reasons

And then we see if the behavior changes Or corrects itself Or if she resists Or, you know, whatever, whatever You voice your concerns You see how your partner reacts And if it's positively, great The relationship is growing and strengthening

And it's becoming better And you can stay in it And get below jobs And hear less and less How she finds other men attractive Which, you know, we're always gonna find Other people attractive But maybe you just tell her

I don't like to hear it Yeah And that's okay Yeah And then we see if she adapts and changes Or if she fights back with the coherent argument And you change But whatever, there's...

The two options are the relationship strengthening Or the relationship weakening And we'll see What happens After this You speak Your mind Here's my issue

Okay Two things Sorry, I just want you to know I'm getting pissed Because I don't like to be disagreed with I'm not disagreeing I guess it makes me small Alright

Just chill I'm just... I'm voicing my opinion It's everything yours I'm not saying yours is wrong Why is it... So mine sucks and yours is the best No, I'm just...

I'm broaching a new subject Congrats You made me feel like shit Alright, now go ahead When you ask someone in a relationship To start doing something It's almost like that's a lose-lose Because when they start doing it

It just feels like it's a weak thing Because they're only doing it And this is... Not because they want to This is something we've had disagreements about In the past as well Because you say like... Say a woman is upset with her boyfriend

Because he never posts pictures of her on Instagram Yeah, exactly Which is something that's happened in our... I think it's happened to us before Yeah Not in our real lives People have emailed us in And you say

If the guy starts posting pictures of her on Instagram It's like You're only doing that because I told you But I say Yes, he is doing that Like it was something that wasn't important to him But he found out it was important to you So he's changed his behavior

And isn't that a beautiful thing? But if you're the girl Would you rather have that Or would you rather just sit and silence And wait until he does it naturally He'll never do it naturally So you have to just... I don't know

If it's something that bothers you You have to accept that it bothers you And it's not bothering your girlfriend Right? Yeah So the fact that she says other guys are hot Bothers you It doesn't bother her

Well, here's why I think that part is okay Because you're asking her to stop doing something To ask her to stop doing something feels like It's at least you're gaining something Like that's a good thing Like she'll no longer compliment other guys Like that way It doesn't feel like she's doing something for you

She's not doing Do you understand the subtle difference Between those two things? Right Like I don't want you to start doing something I want you to stop doing something And if I ask somebody to stop doing something And they do stop doing it

To me it's all changing behavior To me it's all you're trying to alter behavior I get what you're saying That starting to do something more Is a little tougher Yeah To start doing something less Yeah

To ask someone to stop smoking I think that's fine To ask someone to start doing something else But I don't know I feel like that's It might be asking too much And then when it does happen It just doesn't

It doesn't seem worth it Well here's what I would say This is where the pure heart rule comes in PHR Scratch Do you mind if I talk about the PHR for a second? Patent pending Okay

Patent pending, patent pending Okay The patent was pent It really was It's been patented It's been trademarked It's been copyrighted I am the proud owner

Of PHR.com You can log on today It's going to be a 404 error Of course But that's fine Because that's what I programmed With age to be Gotcha

Okay So what you need to do is Tell your girlfriend That you don't like this Oh wait, sorry This is not about that guy So the pure heart rule is You tell your partner

Something that you want To change your behavior To change your behavior To change your behavior To change your behavior To change your behavior To change your behavior Something that you want

To change in their behavior Without any expectation Without saying like Without going too far Down the rabbit hole Of being like I want you to want To talk about other guys less

Or I want you to want To post these Instagram pictures Because like then you're getting You're injecting yourself Too much into the life Of this other person But if you say This makes me feel a certain way

And all you're talking about Is that one little instance Of behavior, right? Then you let your partner adjust And you find the way They do it To be unique to them So you say

It bothers me that you don't post Instagram pictures of me, right? Yeah So you don't say I want you to post You just say it bothers me That you do it Right

And then This upsets me And I'm sorry But it doesn't I'm just sharing with you My feelings And I don't want you to like You know

You don't have to change anything But this is how I feel Right And then it's them Reacting to how you feel And how does that person Make you feel better? How does he synthesize that knowledge

And become a different person That's more to your liking? Right But to have expectations To say like That's to say I want you to post Instagram pictures less

And I want you to post Lots of them of me And I want to be like In charge of the filter Yeah And I want you to do it Multiple times a week And that's not good

And nobody's going to be happy With that situation But pure heart rule Hey, I wish you posted More Instagram pictures of me Or I'm unhappy Because I never show up In your Instagram feed

I'm unhappy because you talk About other guys so much And you don't really Tell me that I'm attractive Okay, so here's my official Bit of advice After talking it out I would start with

Telling her what you'd Ideally like her to not do Rather than what you'd Ideally like her to do So his problems are One, that she compliments Other guys And two, that she doesn't

Compliment him I think he should just Start with saying I don't like that you talk About you compliment other guys In front of me That makes me feel sad Of myself

And then see Now that she doesn't Compliment everybody Maybe she'll start Complimenting you Or at the very least The playing field is even Between you and everybody else

She's not complimenting anybody Maybe that'll make you Feel better Before you go on to the Layer which is I want you to compliment me More Because how do you say that

Without ever seeming Like an empty gesture I mean that's pretty lame But I also get it Like you want But here's what I would say And I think my My advice is going to

Be pretty similar on this You do have to say something Say And I would say You wait till the behavior That upsets you occurs And then you say What just happened

Makes me a little upset Yeah And I think You can't I just broke my own brain Oh my God Your nose is bleeding Oh so here's

What I would say You can't like break up With somebody Because right now She is like Blissfully ignorant That all these things Are adding up and weighing

On you Like the lack of the compliments And then the compliments To the other guys And it's building and Building and growing And finally you're going to break And be like

Fuck this What I said was that guy Who was cute Yeah Once Like she has no idea So you need to say At least the first time

This bothers me And then that way If it happens more and more You're like This is really bothering me And if it never stops Then you say You know what

It bothers me to the point Where I'm done And I'm going to find A blow job somewhere else Right So at least you're not going From zero to break up Real quick

Real fucking quick Uh-huh So I would start Just by that little nugget This bothered me a little bit And then see How the behavior changes Tug on the thread at first

Before you destroy the Because your girlfriend's a human That's going to make human decisions Based on your feelings Yeah And if she makes decisions Based on your feelings That continue to hurt your feelings

Then that's a bad relationship But if she makes decisions That make you feel better Based on you expressing How you feel Then that's a nice relationship Communication is key I actually invented that phrase

Yeah, but your communication Spelled with a K So that's kind of cool Yeah, my communication is key Spelled with a C Oh, it's like communication is key But something is the lock Or something like that

Is spelled with the K and the C Communication is key And the lock is The Loch Ness Monster Wow Yeah, hotness The Loch Ness Monster That's the hot Ness Monster, man

The Loch Ness Monster The Loch Ness Monster is a lush A drunk beast See, this is why people can't take you seriously No This is why you can't have nice advice Serious, the water in Scotland is booze It really is

And the Loch Ness Monster Is a hot mess Monster Alright, next question Okay Yo, Amir Blowing his nose Hocking the loogie

There he goes He runs the sink And he blows his nose in the sink And what do you think? That's just what he was wearing It's mink It's a mink coat For his sore throat

Sit down, buddy Careful, careful Here comes the headphones They're going on his ears Here goes Jake About to chug a few beers Yo, here we go Yeah, you already chugged a few beers

I am drunk Alright Will you read this question? It's from a lady Yeah We'll call her Shoshana You really are reading the book Yeah, I appreciate that

I've retained two character names at that Hey guys, help a girl out Three weeks ago, it was a friend's bachelorette For various reasons, this girl Excuse me, can I start over? Sure Hey guys, help a girl out Three weeks ago, it was a friend's bachelorette

For various reasons, this girl is getting married While we're still in undergrad Fuck me, I'm sorry Hey guys, help a girl out Three weeks ago, you're going to edit it out So I don't, someone was reading it once, right? Maybe You piece of shit

You do that to yourself Hey guys, help a girl out Three weeks ago, it was a friend's bachelorette For various reasons, this girl is getting married While we're still in our undergrad Of course, this means a group of 20 to 22 year old girls Went out to a strip club to go see some weeners I've been to a female strip club with my male friends in the past

But this male strip club was a whole new world My friends jokingly got me a lap dance And after venturing up to the private area I got quite a lot for $20 Without actually letting this male stripper hit a home run That being said, he was intent upon it And asked for my number with the promise of meeting up later I don't know how to say no, obviously

So I gave it to him and never met up with him Because my drunken quest for food was far more important So here's my issue I now have a male stripper 10 years my senior Calling me and texting me on the regular Even though I never respond I accidentally answered the phone once and immediately regretted it He seems really polite and I don't want to be mean

But how do I tell this stripper that I don't want to sleep with him? Thanks, Shoshana Mmm So it happens the other way Male strippers hit on females Sorry, she like hooked up with this male stripper That's pretty weird Why did you get hooked up?

He did everything but go home run or something She like almost fucked him And she paid $20 and he's desperately trying Like this is so backwards and strange I think I want to be a male stripper You're not supposed to do that Do they have male stripper like clubs For people that don't look like strippers?

Like if I was just a normal looking guy And I wanted to strip at a strip club would they let me? I bet you would just have to be able to like dance Cause I mean they all strippers of all different Female strippers of all different shapes and sizes But what's the equivalent of me as a female stripper? You have a very normal body I think that's most female strippers

For whatever reason male strippers are You imagine like magic mic Yeah super buff You imagine like magic mic So yeah I think they have to be really buff But I'm sure you're fine I want to be like a stripper that comes out Like a cardigan and a short sleeve shirt

And then you take off the cardigan And then you undo my like khakis I think the fun angle is that your dick is really small Yeah right What are you talking about blue? Because it's not a big deal It's just me and you in a room We're just hanging out talking

Promise? Yeah dude I don't want anybody to know They want it They really want it I'm just listening to this uploading He freaked This doesn't make any sense to me But he freaking promised

I really don't think she should have hooked up with a stripper in the room Well she hooked up with a stripper in the room That's not normal behavior to me She wrote it so casually That's what's supposed to happen at the strip club Have you ever gone into a private room And almost had sex with a stripper? I mean I've never been to a private room with a stripper

And also she's like and I only had to pay $20 I got quite a lot for $20 Without actually letting this male stripper hit a home run What do you imagine happened in that? What does that mean? I feel like he went down on her I think they 69 You think they 60

That's the furthest you can get without sex right? Yeah I mean it's weird because that's definitely I think that's more intimate than sex Of course So it's weird that that's not as far as sex That's an inside the park home run Yeah it's way more rare

Yeah It's an unassisted triple play If you can imagine So isn't it easy to not How do I tell the stripper I don't want to sleep with them I do think that You ignoring the texts

Will tell him that She doesn't have to specifically say no? I probably wouldn't I would probably just start If she's comfortable ignoring the texts I think they'll stop coming in eventually And if they don't You just say

Hey I'm seeing somebody Sorry it was nice meeting you It's easy I mean This is like It's sort of an interesting problem Because it's like coming from a male stripper But it's just like anybody you have

Like some sort of weird one night Hook up with You don't owe them anything You don't even owe them kindness or politeness She already actually already paid them Yeah You paid them $20 You fulfilled your services

I think I should retract that you don't You owe everybody kindness and politeness But I do think Ignoring the texts is Fine And if it heats up I'm not interested You're

A male prostitute I wouldn't say that I'll lose that But I would just say It was really nice hanging out But I don't see this going anywhere Have a good one Good hanging out but I have a boyfriend

She's out forever Fuck this If you don't like them you don't have to talk to them See ya later We'll be back Don't come back No more, no more, no more Let's go to commercial

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Slash if I were you Or if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase Thank you, Squarespace And we're back Welcome We have show A show We have show

We have show March 30th at Duke University Let's do it Coach K There is so little information online We just have assurances from the university That we are doing a show there And Coach K is gonna be there

No So is JJ Reddick Yes, Shane Battier is actually coming That is correct, it's crazy I'm so excited, so thrilled Yeah, so honored that Bobby Hurley himself Is gonna be emceeing the entire event It's at the Reynolds Theater

I believe, Reynolds Theater Either way it's a big space And they say tickets are free And they say it's for students only But do you believe them? In my experience If the If you really want to go to the show

It's the pure heart role I really think you belong there I think we can get you into the show Yeah, because I don't know if we can get 600 students from Duke to go Right, and I really hate to see if we can And then not Maybe we can get 600 people

From North Carolina to go Yeah, there's a whole mess of schools there UNC, Travel Hills right there It's the research triangle It's absolutely the research triangle It's Tobacco Road, it's the oldest rivalry In sports, and we expect everybody To come out

I don't care if you're a Tar Heel I don't care if you're a member of the Wolfpacker Of Blue Devil I don't care if you're a Coach K Or a Coach Williams I don't care if you're Rashid Wallace Or Elton Brand I will say

Tyler Hainsborough can suck my fat dick I don't want you there, dude Yukon! Go Yukon forever! Shabazz What are you talking about? Hilton Armstrong Charlie Villanueva What a specific

Jake Vashkel You only know Yukon Huskies From 1998 to 2002 I'm not Kaoka Fo Jake Vashkel That's the closest you've gone To actually cheering for a team A basketball team

I was super Into Yukon when I was in high school and college That's why I know those players Since then I'm passively I like when they win Hence the Shabazz Hence Shabazz for sure

Duke University Do your own research and try to find out where the show is Cause I can't find any information And if you do find out Let us know! Please! Cause all we have is sort of a poorly written contract Hand scribbled on a napkin But that'll be a fun weekend just like Austin

We try to hang out in Chapel Hill Raleigh, Durham The big three That will be fun We should get tickets We'll find ourselves there Whether we have tickets To get on a plane or not

I think we'll just end up I think I'll wake up on the 27th Yeah and just be there And want it If I want it enough That'll happen Did I want to talk about What was that Nicki Minaj song

That we were talking about before the break That I was really into With the Drake verse I never fucked Nicki I never fucked Nicki cause she got a man But when that's over I'm first in line Yeah There's a song called Only

And it's Nicki Minaj and Drake Highly And Chris Brown I don't like talking about him Because he's a woman beater But I'm trying to pull up the lyrics Cause it's a highly entertaining song It's fun when rap songs are also kind of funny

Oh yeah So this is Drake's verse I never fucked Nicki cause she got a man I'm over I'm first in line The other day in her May back I thought god damn it was a perfect time We just came from that video You know LA traffic how the city's slow

She was sitting down on that big butt But I was still staring at her titties though Still staring at her titties though And then even better That's right I like my girls BBW Which is big beautiful women The type that want to suck you dry Then eat some lunch with you

Really funny So thick that everyone else in the room Is so uncomfortable Ass on Houston Texas But the face looks like Claire Huxtable He likes girls so thick That they will Drink your semen

And then still want to eat with you So fat that everyone in the room Everyone else nervous Is she too fat I'm just afraid that Drake is with this Really morbidly obese woman I'm so uncomfortable It's a lady who looks like Big Pun

I think that's not okay Jabba the hoe Just sitting down next to Drake Just jerks off to be four pictures On the biggest loser So uncomfortable He wants a girl He wants a girl to make

Everybody else in the room Literally uncomfortable I think on his new mixtape He has a line that says something like Talking about a girl that he's with He's like ass so big that it's almost embarrassing He's just pushing it further and further His next album is just going to be like

Her ass is so big that I just shook my head And I said no This won't do Her nutritionist and physician Is just literally begging me to do something about it Walked in the club with my new girlfriend We were laughing stock Absolutely

She was literally 700 pounds Could not walk Is Drake Dating anybody famous Does he actually really like Larger woman? I think I don't know who he's dating

I thought he was dating He dated Rihanna or something She's not big She's not BBW I bet those big ass things Aren't necessarily who he's dating just who he's fucking This is a great song Highly recommend it

I really thought this was his verse in Truffle Butter Isn't Truffle Butter like almost the exact same thing? Just various songs about There's Nikki's verse in this song I never fucked Wayne, I never fucked Drake No, that is this song, that's the same song Yeah, okay We've never been talking about Truffle Butter

Lil Wayne isn't Truffle Butter It is not in this one We have talked about Truffle Butter because Truffle Butter is also a really funny song It's so funny to Collaborate with the girls So maybe for this song About how I really want to fuck you And how when you're done with your girlfriend

I will fuck you Nikki and I are just boyfriend I heard your new song It was catchy But it like Did Drake mean the shit About how he's first in line Nikki's verse is

I never fucked Wayne, I never fucked Drake If I did I'd have a menage with him And let him eat my ass like a cupcake Yeah So her boyfriend The man that Drake is talking about He's like I can't fuck Nikki because she has a boyfriend

And she's saying I Haven't fucked them because I have a boyfriend But if I didn't I would fuck them both And let them eat out my butthole together Yeah, like it's chocolate frosting This dude is just like okay Fuck this, Nikki It's Nikki Menage

This is for the 16 year old who doesn't like When his girlfriend talks about other guys being cute Imagine your girlfriend was Nikki Menage and she was talking about How she's going to let other guys fuck her What would be funny if Nikki Menage's boyfriend Is just like her accountant Glenn Just this 33 year old normal guy

Who went to like, I don't know Arizona NC State And then he like got a CPA And he met Nikki Menage at a club And now they're going out I don't really feel all that comfortable, Nikki Oh Christ, Nikki

This new verse is annoying But that's I was saying like if you're dating Nikki Menage You don't get to say anything You just get to date Nikki Menage and then And you just be quiet Those are the two things you get to do

So whenever he's upset Nikki Menage should just be like Okay, then I'll break up No, no, no, Nikki It's fine, obviously I just Like, alright, if you would like what To break up

No, I just know that Then I'll keep on doing whatever I want And you'll get to date Nikki Menage That's right, that's a good deal, Nikki I just know for a fact that Drake is first in line I want you to stop talking And I might even go fuck Drake now Do you want to break up with me?

No, I don't want to break up with you You know what, fuck it, I'm going to fuck Drake anyway Fine, dammit Tiva Don't let him eat your ass like a cupcake He is going to Shit, my mom was right I shouldn't have dated a pop star

I should have dated Sheila Anaconda, don't Oh, also I just realized We should mention the bikes we got Oh shoot, I learned how to ride a bike For the first time You didn't

I crashed it I do have a video, it's pretty funny We were crashing a bike But we got free bikes from Hang Ten Bikes And We told them we'd give them a shout out But only if the bikes were chill And?

Thankfully they are They're chill and also dope I wonder if we can do this exchange Like at the grocery store We'll just buy groceries and be like We can give you cash for this Or if the food is chill We'll say it

And then the girls get laughed out This is me talking to the machine That's like self scan There's a robotic foot Sir, the lemon is 29 cents Do you want it or not I don't I don't want the lemon

So how do people get the bikes? Well, you go to hangtenbikes.com Peruse their selection, check them out They are cool beach cruiser type vehicles Very chill They're really well made, they're really cool looking

And they're fun to ride too Because we did that And I can tell you from experience That they're chill I can't stress enough That from our experience they're chill And I actually don't think You can even order them online

You pick them up in real life at a bike shop So you would call your bike shop And see if they carry them I think you can go online and see What their orders are Can I recommend to them That they should just ship bikes If they're listening

What if they do And I'm just not saying it Just go to their website And you can find everything out that you need to hangtenbikes.com They might ship, I don't think they do I think they will tell you where their bikes are found And then you find them

It's like a scavenger hunt Where you have to pay money for the product We really should work this out If people don't have enough money to pay us To hawk their products We'll do it if you just give us a cool product So if you make something cool We'll talk about it if we like it

I think that's basic We just boiled down The show business industry In one sentence Nicki Minaj actually contacted us and said Hey, if you guys like Only Talk about it on your show

I'm gonna be three Um, alright This last Question is from Let's call this guy I only know another female's name in your mom's book Oh yeah, there's not a guy introduced for a little bit Uh-huh

Peter Max This is just a name I saw in it So Peter Max Peter Max writes Hey guys, I met this girl on Tinder And nothing happened between us for about 11 months We were Snapchat friends, so I would see her story

But never messaged her until eight weeks ago We started talking And we got along super well And we even had plans for a date Three weeks after we started talking again The date went well And she texted me how she liked me And how I was the only guy who was not into

Drugs or alcohol that liked her And that she liked how calm And understanding I was Then I planned another date I said yes, and then three hours before I was going to pick her up, she said she couldn't go I planned another date And the same thing happened all over again

Altogether four times In the course of three weeks Then she would stop replying to my text But then five hours later She says she's really sorry and stuff And how she really wants to hang out It's a cycle of not responding And apologizing many hours later

While she was drunk, she called me And she told me how she wanted to fuck me How she wanted me so badly That gave me hope That she really does want me So I kept persisting And today we were supposed to see a movie A movie she told me she wanted to see with me

But she canceled again Then I check on her Snapchat And I see her friends and her posting pictures Of the movie that we were going to see that night On their stories Do you think her friends and her Are playing a sick game on me Or should I just wait it out for a few more weeks

Please let me know And good job with your show I listen to it all the time Peter Max, thank you for that detailed account Of what went wrong The timelines are really important That actually reminds me of the Nicki Minaj and her boyfriend

Like this girl is just like Yeah, meet up with me, I like how you're so normal Alright, never mind, I can't Alright, maybe we should see a movie, sure, let's do it Ah, fuck it, never mind, I can't Right, but she's just like so hot Famous star with a fat ass Oh wait, this girl isn't

Oh, yeah This girl just, you know what What her Nicki Minaj star power is That one phone call that she's like, oh I want to fuck you Like a girl can do that once And that'll last like six months of keeping A guy on the hook Real Nicki's only

So much, I mean This is not a good situation for this guy He's holding out hope And her friends are not trolling you They just don't think about you You're definitely overthinking if you're like I think this is a sick scam And everyone's out to get me

More likely than that, this girl's just a little Aloof because she's a little Wacky Yeah, she said she only hangs out with people that do drugs And alcohol So here's what I would say, if it's been several weeks And she's bailed on every single date The phone call

Should only Show you for sure that she's Unstable So let's Have a nice cathartic moment Of just letting it go entirely Let it go Let it go

So yeah, let it go entirely And never talk to her again I mean, the fucking ultimate would be If you just really stop responding Like stop texting her, she might start texting you And then you don't even text her back Wow, you think he has the will power To be that strong of a man

Because you went on one date with a Tinder match I don't think he went on a date with her No, I thought he did go on one date And he said that it went well Did he? And he said that she texted him after and said she liked how calm he was I think we started talking Oh yeah, yeah

Wait, yeah, yeah, the date went well And she texted, she liked me, yeah, yeah So they've been on one date in eight months Yeah, so this isn't that serious Of a relationship that it's worth pursuing in any real way So let's just make it a social experiment And you never talk to her again And see how thirsty she gets

Oh, that's interesting, but what if she gets so thirsty That he then becomes into it again Then like see that through If she gets so desperate That she's like, I want to see you right now Then say, okay, I'll come over And then if she cancels It's just a series of people taking the upper hand

From the other person Yeah, but like right now he's losing the game so bad That I want to just give him advice to help him Like he has to cancel on her three times Right, you need like just for a little while You need to not be interested So literally don't text her Don't text her, don't message her

And you know what, the two options are One, she'll become into it And reach out to you and then your lack of response Will like get her more and more interested Or she will just never reach out to you I guess that one's probably more likely Yeah, but then you'll get over it And it's gonna be fine

Either way, it's a win-win What's happening right now is no bueno It's no good I mean you get this kind of stuff on Text to Jake Where it's like sometimes people are asking for advice But the best advice is to not send a text at all Yes, that's true It's like in basketball, sometimes the best trade

Is the one you don't make I think texting is like It's like giving This Like a girl, a tiny little dessert It's pretty sweet, it's like Hey, do you want an M&M? And it's like a nice cute little gesture

Like oh yeah, sure, yes, thank you And she doesn't necessarily give you one back But she's just saying thank you And that's like what are you saying? You're really pretty Thanks And if you give somebody too much sweets If you give somebody too many M&Ms

They're like, thanks I'll give my own M&Ms, I don't want this I don't want this from you anymore It's too sweet, it's too much, I'm full But then, what he's done After he fed her lots and lots of M&Ms And now he's just going to stop feeding her No more dessert for me

But she's addicted But she's got a little sweet too, don't she? And now she's going to retouch She's like, hey, how are you? But what she's really saying is Do you have any M&Ms? Hey, would you feed me chocolate? And you, nothing, no, I don't have anything

And then actually she's going to get really angry Rabbit for it, she's going to say give me Give me the M&Ms and you say no Then she's going to start giving you M&Ms So there you go, and then you start feeding each other And then eventually, fuck M&Ms Fuck her because you'll be eating her ass Like a cupcake, do you understand?

Bring it back, I love it Thank you Alright, let's end it on that For the win, that was great, man That was totally awesome Alright, so if you have your own God, I hate you If you have your own questions, please email them

To ifireishow at gmail.com We start and end every episode With an original theme song Written by our talented fans If you have your own, send that to that same email address The opening one of some CJ Mom Of PopSource Radio And this closing one is from Aiden

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