If I Were You - 137: Shower Sex (w/ Lil Dicky!)

Episode Date: March 2, 2015

Rapper Lil Dicky joins us to discuss masturbation, basketball, and getting older.This episode is brought to you by NatureBox, Audible, and Prosper.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Jacob Amir, if I were you, show.com Stands in your emails if you've got a problem Anonymous names, but the problems are real She sees that she's, is to do, to help you deal Turn down the volume all It's time for the podcast Try not to be an asshole I might put you on blast

We're not back, we're here for the first time We're back since Monday Sir, Lil Dicky, right? Lil Dicky? Yeah Is that okay? Lil? You know what? Or just Dicky?

What should I, how do I? I don't know, I don't know I honestly don't know I would say, like, when I rap, it really will depend on, like, the amount of syllables I need If I refer to myself as Lil or Lil Okay, yeah, yeah I would say Lil Dicky, makes sense, but like LD Oh, LD is good

LD is cool I like, yeah, exactly Which is the best thing Does Lil do that too? He never calls himself Lil Wayne, does he? If the rhyme scheme, like, presents itself that way, I think he might have to Wow Do you think he thinks about that, the rhyme scheme?

I don't know, I don't know If he's not thinking about that, then he's not thinking about much I feel like that's his, like, sole responsibility Which I, then I would bet on not much I would err on the side of not much So Lil Dicky, you're a professional rapper True or false? True, that's your profession

That's the weirdest goal you wish Do you wish that you were a funny rapper? I guess it would be fun We all kind of like Yeah It's not nearly as fun as you think Yeah, because you actually have to do shit Yeah, it's just an anxiety drip

It's fun to say that you're a professional rapper Exactly, it's great in the online dating world Yeah, oh yeah Is that, like, what do you do? Tender bio All professional rappers, yeah, isn't that, yeah And they're like, ha ha ha, no, no, no, seriously And they're like, do you have anything to show me?

And I'm like, oh, yeah, sure And I'll just send them, like, let me freak And they'll be like, whoa So what's your most popular, let me freak? View count, it's ex-boyfriend That was the first thing I put out, too So, I was, do you remember we pre-gamed to that song in Iceland? It let me freak?

Goddamn right, you pre-gamed to that nice one We did That's awesome So for those of you guys listening who don't know Lil Dicky is a white Jewish rapper Yeah But, I don't know, how would you describe this style? Yeah, what do you do?

You're just white and Jewish I'm a two-thirds of you No, I don't know, I think Is it a comedy rapper or a regular rapper? Like, your songs are so fucking impressive But they're also funny Thank you Yeah, no, I think because I'm now going into

Like, I have songs that aren't funny, too Oh, you're starting to fall into that Yeah, I'm starting to take myself kind of serious Shit, it's happening already Yeah, but I'm never, I'm not gonna not I don't have to ever be a point where I release a project Where at least half of it's not funny It's like the M&M thing

It's like half the songs are like, I'm gonna hump a dead moose And then some of them are like, I'm gonna fucking kill you, you stupid bitch There's no in between There's no, yeah, totally Like, it's kind of how it is for me, too Oh, yeah, so you have this too It's just like, it's just different I'm not, like, humping mooses

No, not yet Because M&M's funny raps aren't that funny No They're like, yeah, they're different They're funny, but they're funny They're like, I'd say M&M is like a rapper who's also funny Right Whereas I kind of was just like a funny guy who also rapped

But now it's kind of turning, I don't know It's like more of like a rapper who's funny, too I don't know Who's the second, if you're the funniest rapper Or let's say, without including yourself Who's the funniest rapper? Rapper Because some rappers are pretty funny

They're not necessarily trying Don Lover's a straight up comedian Yeah, but his raps are not funny His raps are like anti-funny Yeah, they're like, I'm in like the darkest place Yeah You know who's pretty funny is Drake We were talking about that song last week

He's got like a good sense of humor, it seems I think Lil Wayne can be pretty funny Yeah, Lil Wayne is funny But is he funny on purpose? He's like Shaq, he's just so insane that it's funny See, I think Shaq deserves credit for being funny in my mind But I think he's like fad funny He's like making jokes, you're like, oh my god

It's funny that Shaq is doing that I don't think he's actually funny I don't know if I can agree I think Shaq is actually I think Shaq is like a comedic, like comedically impressive human being Alright No Funny as rapper, I don't know

Rick Ross to me is funny I think he like knows that he's being funny Yeah Who else, like there's some guy No, yeah, Cameron's kind of funny There's someone else that I like saw recently And I was like, he's got to see it the way everyone else is seeing it Like Lil B, like you know what I mean?

Like is he self-aware or is he just doing that? Yeah, I don't know, let me think on it Alright, cool Wait, let's just get started You know what this is, this is an advice podcast You've been on one podcast before Yeah But this is your first advice podcast

Yeah Okay, so it's called the Fire You And people will email us and they're like I need some advice, I need some help And Jake and I will do our best to advise them out of it That's great So it has to just us to advise them out of it Advise them out of it or just any

Yeah, just give them your honest advice Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly As if we were them Couldn't be better, I feel like That's one of my biggest strengths And we don't always have a guest We don't always have a guest So this is a very special moment

Okay, well I'm happy to help out Oh wait, we had a rapper once Yeah But not a comedian Do you know Hoodie Allen? I don't know him personally but I know who he is Yeah, yeah, so How was that?

He was good, he was funny Are you good at freestyling or that's a totally different skill? Totally different skill I would assume I'm better than like the average You know, American male But I don't take pride in it Right, right, right Okay

Fine That's fine You wanted him to say yes So you could tell him the freestyle Yeah Because Jake's really good So it's fun to have people battle each other back and forth I'm not really good

Did you say I was really good? Yeah, you're good I don't have to Yeah, you're better than me Thanks man I don't have to be super good At something to participate in You know what I mean?

That's true Yeah, I'm not a pussy Yeah, totally You just can't say pussy But everything's just We're gonna bleep the first pussy and not Jake's I just, maybe You know when sometimes you like do songs

And for advice at the end of it I thought it'd be funny To like try to do a freestyle Oh yeah, yeah, sure Like we'll give our advice And then maybe like a freestyle version of it Okay We can try the first one

And see how it goes It could be horrible, but That's America Yeah, horrible Yeah That's right That's America's slogan Yeah, it could be horrible

But that's That's America We'll see We'll find out Let's get to the first question So LD These are real emails from real people

But we're gonna give them fake names To preserve their anonymity We don't want them getting out, you know Yep As a guest Can you give us a fake female's name? Uh I was gonna say Sandra Bullock

That's a real one That's a real one But it's definitely not from Sandra Bullock So I think that preserves her anonymity I'm ashamed that that's what I came up with You are good at freestyling See what I mean 30 minutes and then Sandra

Alright, Sandra Bullock You think Julia Roberts hates Sandra Bullock? I don't even think that they're on each other's radar It doesn't even hurt What a great comment It's funny, I don't even think about you at all Alright Hey guys

I've always been a pretty straight-laced sex I've always been pretty straight-laced sex-wise And though I've been with quite a few guys I generally stick to the basics Vaginal sex almost always in the missionary position A guy I've been with for about two months Said he wanted to broaden my sexual horizons And convinced me to do anal

She was very Sorry He was very gentle at first But then it started to get too rough for me And I squeaked out and pulled my body forward As I did so, the worst happened And I gave my boyfriend a light spray of shit on his dick Ranging from a droplet of brown water

To what Amir would refer to as a tadpole-sized shart My boyfriend quickly left my house After having a shower And aside from a few texts Has not been in contact with me since that terrible night I was thinking about getting him something To apologize, like a gift Do you have any suggestions on what it could be

Or is there something else I can do to make up for this situation Thanks, Sandra Bullock Can I start chiming in? Just chime Yeah, just chime in I think Sandra, your whole POV is like really out of whack On this whole thing It sounds like you borderline got raped

Wow This is great Because we didn't coach him at all This is exactly what I'm thinking too And for some reason you're under the impression that you need to Buy him a gift to apologize For being raped in a not-so-glamorous fashion By the way, the advice she's seeking is

What should... What gift should I buy? Yeah, that's crazy We're gonna just infer from this And give you completely different advice Yeah, totally And then as you guys are talking I'm putting away my answer

Which is just like a baseball hat or a basketball It's like a micro-USB hard drive It's like a gig on a thumb drive Chromecast Get him Chromecast 35 bucks The worst gift It's like the corporate gifts that companies give to their employees

She's gonna get him a Fitbit for pooping on it Fitbit A Starbucks gift card This is probably his plan all along I'm gonna fuck you so hard You'll owe me a Fitbit at the end So a lot of our questions are like this Where girls are just getting emotionally

And borderline physically sexually abused by guys And then the guys make them feel so bad that she... I don't know, this is so sad Like she feels the need to apologize First of all, he wanted to do the anal He's the one that hurt her She tried and like her body reacted in a way And then he got so upset that he took a shower left

And is ignoring her calls You can't go too hard Have you ever had anal sex? No, I actually don't see the butt as a sexual thing That's you too The whole Interesting I wonder if it's a Jewish dude thing

Could be I'm Jewish Yeah, but you're not sexually Jewish Excuse me You have the sexual proclivities of a non-Jew Yeah Well, I'm just saying Like he...

If he starts pounding too hard on your ass The first time you're having anal sex That's very... That's dangerous Like of course I don't think it was the... Like I've heard a story that's like slightly worse than that Where it like...

It was like... Have you heard of like the pink sock? Hell yeah The prolapse rectum The asshole goes inside out That would be like worse Of course that would be worse She had a prolapse anus

And he was mad at her for it It'd be funny if that's your advice always Like it could be worse You could have a prolapse rectum Anyway, what else? I'm having a relationship issue with my dad Could be worse Your anus could be inside out

That's part of it actually So... Our bit of advice Don't give him a gift Yeah, you should never speak to this guy again You break up with him Yeah Move forward and be stronger as a human

Yeah, no Not only ask for his forgiveness He should be asking for your forgiveness And not only that I don't think you should give him your forgiveness No Do you think this is grounds for termination? I think this is grounds for determination

Determination I determined this is grounds for termination See, I would be good at freestyle There's a real... Oh, why don't we start with that? Okay Beatboxing? We're doing this right now at freestyle?

I think so I think the advice is over Okay, I'm gonna be... Okay, go for it I love it I've never done this Do you know how to give a beat? Yeah, I can give a beat for him

Okay, yeah, yeah So we'll start with Jake Uh Okay Here we go Yeah Yeah Six, stand up

Okay All right Yeah Let's sit down, six Sandra B, you and me You don't put it in your beast Just lean forward Lean out of the relationship

This guy, this shitty dick guy Has a shitty dick in his eye That's what he deserves Do you know that you've been served With divorce papers? This is termination Termination, ground for determination This is a situation

I don't know, I'm done That was pretty good Well done It was quick That was cool It was kind of like rifle through everything That just happened Yeah, yeah, yeah

I didn't have an opinion I just re-capped Yeah A rap cap Uh, so who, you or LB? I think that, I think that's it I'm the rapper now Yeah, yeah

Can I have your YouTube followers? Yes, sir Uh, no, should we try? Or should we do alternate? Question I feel like it's more of a competition If you guys do, like Yeah, it's your turn now

Okay, alright So you want to give me a beat? Yeah Alright, so we'll all go around Yeah So then I'll give you a beat This is something that we should have Figured out before

We should have talked about it We can edit this for now The rules Alright, actually get me a pen and paper This should be like a double elimination bracket Was it? Alright I'm embarrassed with my beat

Oh my god Holy shit No, wait I don't know I really can't do this Give yourself a beat I'll give you a beat Okay

Bullock? Sandra? This is your mantra Don't give a guy what he doesn't need Don't give him what he wants And what he can't appreciate He's got a... Okay, wait, start over, start over

You gave yourself the word appreciate That was dope Oh, that was good? Yeah You actually were rapping Like you had like a whole flow Like a swag to you Really?

Because I thought it was bad But Jesus Like a gay father telling a bedtime story Yeah Isn't that what rap is? That's how rap started It's involving into that at least Hip hop

The bunny went into his hole I don't even want to try again I'll give you one, ready? Yeah, wait, Sandra with the asshole Okay, that's all you need Yeah Tell me why, girl Why you gotta cry about this guy

He was so demeaning I don't really understand The meaning of your sadness It's madness You shouldn't give him a second chance He doesn't deserve it Pulse I'm out

I gotta go swimming to pool See, I'm not like I'm so... No, that was good I'm so average, I'm crying a little bit I'm just like I should be so much better Well, it was more of a performance You really got into it Yeah

You matched his beat I emotionally went somewhere else It's hard, it's like dragging a movie writer on stage You'd be like, alright, go and do five minutes of jokes He's like, what? That's totally... I was slightly better than someone else Who didn't do it professionally

But I need to write and figure shit out Still, that is correct Slightly better than average Alright, let's get to the next question I was so focused on giving a beat That I couldn't hear you in talk at the same time How do you... I can't do it Well, you don't have any rhythm

Yeah, that's my problem, no rhythm Bad dancer? I'm a group dancer, actually If he's hearing it, yeah, he can move to it Right, but I can't... You guys really know each other, huh? We do Too well

A little bit too much Alright, we got a guy's name LD, you got a guy's name for us Alexander Bullock You're not who I asked Let's go with Sid Booker I like that Sid, you're just giving us names that we can rap to later

I wish that Sid Booker, right? Sup, bros, I got this problem as of now And listened to them podcast multiple times a day So I figured you guys could help Me and my GF just moved out of our townhouse We had together due to space issues Living alone is expensive

So I was forced to move in with roommates I found an awesome place and a great location For the perfect price The problem is it's a three bedroom two bath And I shared a bathroom with a girl Except she's 17 and I'm 24 Which isn't a problem The problem is that my GF is having a fucking heart attack

And already is accusing me And saying I'm gonna take showers with her And cheat on her with a 17 year old Which is fucking retarded What do I do? Help Love, Sid Booker These are the problems of America's youth

Yeah, you want me to weigh in first? I don't know, does anything pop out to you When I read that question? How does a 17 year old have her own apartment? Pretty young The girl must be hot She must be hot She's living so long

The girl must be super hot I'm attracted to the younger you look The more attracted I am to you You can't get young enough Honestly, a girl to me at her hottest Is like an 18 year old Who looks like a really hot 16 year old What about a 9 year old

That looks like a really hot 6 year old Wait, you're on Tinder right? What's your age range? You go down to 18 Oh yeah I always will I always will Although to be honest

I think I was just at a frat party at college And I felt the age difference Yeah, this is about Because how old are you? 26 Yeah, that's when it starts I go to college Do college shows sometime

And we go out and party afterwards I still feel like I'm in college And then I see college kids And they're like Oh, I thought you guys were in 7th grade Like you guys are really young Yeah, it's weird I love the actual partying

Like the college One of it is the most fun form of partying for me Like I wish I could get My 26 year old friends together And party that way all the time But you can't It's true I'm gonna derail it

No, this is exactly what we're supposed to do Why are college parties so much better Than every other party? I think every kid That's at that party Goes into that night With like the soul mission Of like how can this night

Be the best night of my life Holy shit When you're out anywhere else There's just like People are in such different places Like okay, I'm gonna have one drink And go home I drove here

So I'm like I'm gonna just take it easy tonight In college Doesn't matter what year you are Like you're thinking like I don't have This is like a very temporary time in my life Like I have X amount of these left

Like this needs to be The most fun version of it tonight See that's like a forward thinking way Like when you're 26 That's how you should tell College kids to think But I don't know if college kids Actually think that this time is temporary

They just are They're just by default Living in this utopia Going hard all the time It's like where their parents are Everybody's just on the Even if you know Like whatever the mentality behind it is

Like everybody is on the same page They're just like Sexually Getting wasted and wanting to fuck Yeah And that's the best How can I get like so drunk To the point where like I'm okay

To have sex tonight Like that's kind of like What everybody's like mindset is It's kind of like why Some people prefer college sports To professional Right I don't know they're just kids

Having fun And it's so exciting And the crowd is so into it And it's like that's the Where did you go to school University of Richmond Was it And when you were in college

Was it like that Or like no Yeah Totally Going back there now As like a rapper's so different Than being there As like a guy nobody really cares

Did you go back And perform at your old school Not yet That'd be really fun It would be fun There's no like There's no one there That was there when I went

At this point No no no Yeah it's totally different Right so like There's shows at colleges Yeah And they come out and they know Who you are

Yeah like that's my demo That's like my sweet spot And like honestly like I love it Like it's just like It's just weirder Like I wish I didn't find it I don't know how these guys

Like you know these rappers Are fucking 18 year old Yeah Like their whole lives Right And I hoped that I can Evolve emotionally To the point where I can

Become that guy Right now it's hard Right now it's difficult It's tough When you go out to these shows Are you Is it just you afterwards Or you got a buddy

And the crew is like Kind of like It's like Like isn't that crew Supposed to help you Like you're not supposed to Go out into the ground Yeah okay

Is the crew with fucking 18 year olds They're pretty liberal about it The problem is The crew doesn't like Consist for the most part Of like my like Jewish high school friends

It consists of like Like this Super urban dude From south central L.A. Who's like My hype man Oh shit Yeah he's got like

Like dreads Okay We just like See the floor differently Right Like the fans Well problems emotionally Or like I honestly get

Very little pussy out of this So problems like In terms of pulling it off Sure yeah But like Like you can If I've never had like A smoking hot girl

Come up to me after a show And be like I'm such a big fan of yours And I'm also like Single and like this hot Right Like I don't know Like I think of my preferences

For her not to be a fan But I don't I'm in no position to Turn down like an Eight or above at this point I love how candid you are About all this I was unfortunate

Yeah how does that not If you're a rapper You go to this You go to this school You perform You fucking destroy Probably I mean your lyrics are very

Impressive And then these crowd is going Wild Then you go out afterwards And you meet You're not going to meet One attractive girl Who saw that

There's so many If you're really that interested There's like A lot of factors that go into it It's harder than you think A If you want me to like Really break it down

Imagine you just Wrapped right And you're like You're soaking with sweat And you're drenched in sweat And you're at a point now Where it's like What do you do next?

To me There's not even an option That exists where I go out That sweaty I can't do it You can't I have no self confidence Like if I'm going to like

Go out and speak to these kids Like I need to like Think I'm like Shower cool Yeah So the shower needs to happen If it's not at the venue Which most of the time

Is not Go figure out a place to shower Oftentimes it's like I'll like end up like Showering at like These frat houses or something Which is fine Whatever

I then In a bar situation Like it's I'm always there so late And like the lights come on Like 1.30 everywhere But New York and Vegas Right

So timing is an issue Yeah Timing is a massive issue I go on stage at like 10 Right And like I'm not even drunk Like I don't even drink before a show

So I got like A lot of catching up to do If I'm trying to get like Mentally numb You know what I mean So then I go And then like I don't know

Like I'm not able to have sex With a girl That I don't Mentally respect Oh interesting Like if I like Every single problem I'll know in 10 seconds

If this girl is like On the level mentally That she needs to be to have sex With me Wow And it's not even that Like high of a level I was talking about AIDS earlier

Intellectually she's just Gotta be a 2 No she's gotta be like I don't know She's gotta be able to like Impress me in like The smallest of ways Like I need to

If I don't respect a girl That I'm having sex with It feels like I'm taking advantage of something Oh see That's kind of That's nice That's mature

Yeah I'm overly You could say I'm overly mature But I'm also like Overly like soft about it You know what I mean Like I'm a pussy about it But you would say That's more mature

Yeah I'm impressed by that Right yeah But I don't think it's because Maybe it is because I feel that I don't know It's a selfish maturity Right

It's not because I Necessarily care about these Poor girls It's because I care about How I feel about these poor girls Right but fortunately Because you care about how You feel it like

It's a win win It's a win win Because it's good for them And I lose lose at the same time Because I'm not having any sex I don't know It's just more It's more complex than you think

I'm not able to be like Yo like you Like let's go But this is interesting Because like I mean a bunch of I bet a lot of people watch your videos See you're in concert

You're like Oh that guy can just Just gonna go into the crowd Grab somebody by their wrist Drag them back And have sex with them That's everyone's perception And my shows are literally

Literally like 88% guys 12% girls And like of that 12% It's like 6% were dragged By their boyfriends So I'm working with like a 6% That's usually like

Like a weird 6% It's not like my wife It's just like You know what I mean So like that's a factor To begin with Oh I had something else to say What did you just say?

Dragging girl back Or the public perception Yeah yeah The public perception And then I think The perception also is like These girls are like Oh it'd be cool to hook up with a rapper

And then like when I actually Be like I take it to a place Like okay like What's your number Like let's text like Like there have been times Where like I've been talking to a girl

I think it's going great She's in college I'm a rapper to her And she simply won't respond Right because like that And I'm literally I'm texting her I don't just

That's like a huge whimper It's like I have his number He texted me There we go I don't know Maybe that is I think it's her being like Oh this is like reality

Like this isn't like this is real Like how many guys is this girl How many girls is this guy Fuck Right I'm not really going to have A one inch stand with this random guy Like I feel uncomfortable

Reality sets in That's when you have to be John Mayer I know And I go after all the girls I don't go after like The sluts Like the sluts that like Present themselves like

Like I'm really disinterested And I'm at the party I'll ask the guys I'll say like Now listen I don't know who goes to the school I don't know whose rep is what But this is what I'm interested in

I'm interested in like The girl that every guy here is like That girl is amazing And I want to marry that girl Oh wow They're all like Well she's never going to have sex with you And I'm like

Let me worry about that Yeah I want to like meet my wife I see At every moment I'm ready to meet her I got you Have you ever had a girlfriend

While you were a rapper at the same time Yes Not a good Not a great combo Not a great girl Yeah So I worked in San Francisco Like I moved to San Francisco after school

And I had a girlfriend Like a very serious girlfriend And like She didn't necessarily sign up To date a rapper Yeah And like It just turned into like

We couldn't really do anything Without like Backing out of how it affected rap Like it was like Oh you want to go to Napa for a weekend Let me just like Think if I have to like Shoot a music video

Right And like she She didn't want to be put Second behind anything How can I put anything First Before this Right

Yeah That was really Yeah That was really okay Napa is like Pretty dope though Yeah it's nice Yeah

Well I asked because like There's inherent jealousy Which brings back to this question Look at that This guy hosts a podcast Alright Alright ladies That's why he holds the zoom

And you just know what a zoom is Yeah But only because I read it This was a 17 year old like Okay I think you have To me it just sounds like It's a very mature relationship It's like

You can't be like No Excuse me I'm not going to have sex With this 17 year old girl Just because we share a shower Right That to me is like

This is almost a non-issue It's funny that I bet it I don't mean to be condescending We are all imagining I mean People are insane When it comes to jealousy

Right You're like The leap that she's making Is like You're both doors open Into this shower I'm just imagining a Jack and Jill bathroom

Yeah that's smart So like You guys walk in at the same time You're definitely going to fuck Even if it's a mistake Oh excuse me Yeah It's a real life dude

Like is that ever how it actually works No Like you're not like This isn't like how it works I feel like jealous people Should always think like You know what I bet her boyfriend

Would fuck the 17 year old But like what the 17 year old Want to fuck her boyfriend It's because people don't Well she loves him So in her mind Yeah everybody wants to fuck her boyfriend But in everybody else's mind

Her boyfriend's just like Some dude with a Girlfriend Yeah To me it sounds like You just got to break down Why you have no reason to be jealous And if the girl

Can't really understand that I don't think she's worthy Of Yeah Of your time You can't like Value that Right

You can't like earn trust You just have to be like I'm not going to have sex with her Yeah it's like Negotiating with terrorists So if you're like You're right I shouldn't live there

And then she's like Okay great Live somewhere else And then you find another apartment And uh oh Turns out your Landlord is a woman Even though she's

56 and has a family of her own Your girlfriend is like Well you're going to just Fuck her every time The only way to a girl Is I don't negotiate with terrorists Oh really I just say it all the time

Like if they're like Really like If they say something In the sense that it Has to happen that way Yeah I'm always down to have a conversation About how things need to happen

But like If you talk to me As if a terrorist Would talk to me Right And I'm out I think in any relationship You just present your feelings

Because that's Like those are facts And you can never like Project them Like you cannot live with this girl Because you'll fuck her You don't say that You say

I feared you If something will happen You'll cheat on me And then you say I understand that you feel that way I will not do that And do you accept these terms And she says no

And then I mean it's just like Any offer You just have to be like Okay Some people are like Uncomfortable about Putting their actual feelings

Out there about anything Like it's crazy how often People get weirded out Just by having like The debate Right Like there are just Realities that exist

I'm just trying to Express what I view The realities are What I love to hear Kind of like where Our mutual reality exists And like people Like can't get to that place

The Venn diagram Because people are so Like they mask insecurity And fear And like sadness And loneliness As anger So she's coming into this situation

She's like You can't live with this girl You're gonna fuck her But what she's like Really feeling in her heart Is I'm scared and lonely And nervous That you're gonna hurt me

So like if somebody said If somebody said Their argument like that Like I'm afraid You're gonna hurt me Would you say You're crazy You would say

I won't hurt you I like you And then it's all positive and nice That's a good That's a good bit of advice For anyone feeling that What the girlfriend is feeling Which is this jealousy

Right Just like be open with your Take one step back Zoom out one And look at the root of the issue Right And then say Why am I angry

Why am I acting like an asshole Oh it's because I think I'm a piece of shit Right Why so why do you think this girl Is afraid that her boyfriend Will fuck a 17 year old She must be hot

I said that earlier It must be like The super hot 17 year old The hot 17 year old If the super 17 Super hot 17 year old I think it's just like It comes back to this girl

Having low self esteem So she needs to tell her boyfriend Like will you build up My self esteem Tell me that I'm beautiful Yeah And you might have to just like Maybe as a boyfriend

You have to be like This girl's ugly Just start fake hating her She's like Oh that 17 year old So fucking annoying And less Yeah annoying

Because she might be like Objectively pretty You know And like saying She's ugly will only Worse in the situation Especially she's like Alright

Jake a beat Oh wow we're doing this Oh yeah Okay I got one good rhyme And then I'm gonna go off Ready Yep

Hey boy Try fake hating Don't try vacating Don't leave the house Don't leave the house With a mouse You got a mouse in the house Don't raise that blouse

You got a Sorry you just You've said vacating And you were so clearly Proud of yourself And you looked at Dickie And he's like I don't care

And he just like Didn't give you much It's like Was vacating Thoughts? No I'm not interested Vacating and vacating Yeah

That was pretty good Explain to me Like the meaning Like vacating Like don't vacate the house Try fake hating This mouse Okay

I get it Getting it is the best reaction I can possibly have asked for I'm with you I'm caught up Alright let me give you a beat now Alright You're just thinking about it

Every beat's like the same thing Because it's so funny Man Hey Sid Booker Don't make the mistake She's only 17 That would be right

Statutorily I'm saying is all Your girlfriend is too involved With your day to day activities You need to talk to her And get her on the same page Make sure that you kind of see life The same way Cool

Have a nice day That was good You're so meek when you freestyle Yeah I get a turn It's kind of funny because it's like That's the opposite of what Freestyle is I know I turned like

You're afraid It turns into like a turtle Without a shell You are green and slimy Down your spine Yes Alright Now you give Jacob a beat

Alright I'm gonna just chew this ice for him Nice Actually that's kind of like a beat Crunch Okay Fuck her in the shower Fuck her in the shower

Oh my god You fuck that 17 year old for an hour She's got that tight pussy She's got those perfect lips Not talking about the pussy I was talking about her tits Yo she's 17 You're 24

This is a match made in heaven Close the bathroom door You're like Yeah that's good Cause like your girlfriend's already suspecting You might as well do something Yeah Sorry I went into a bad place

I don't actually think you should Fuck the 17 year old Wrapping Freestyling Jake is different Than real life Yeah that was like You go into a special place How do you guys feel about Sex in the shower in general

Cause I'm like very anti This is the absolute worst Yeah It's harder than it seems I just yeah Yeah to me it's like I don't ever like putting myself in a position Where my lack of a large penis

Like in any way like It like impacts the sex And then we have to like re-think about things Because I don't have a big enough dick To like do what we like thought we could do Like I never wanted to come to that Like oh well I guess your dick's not big enough To like pull this off

Like I tend to like avoid that Like ever potentially happen So like lifting a girl up around your waist Yeah I mean it really honestly It's a combination of a girl Like to do things that like Even like normal like cool things Like doggy style

My dick is too small Totally like That's not true It's not too small to do doggy style But I sorta got the girl Needs to be like more flexible Than like an inflexible girl Like I need extreme flexibility

I can do like what a guy With a six inch dick Might be able to do it You know But if a girl's like Kind of like moderately flexible So is little dickie not a pun It's just like an adjective

It does a lot but no It's certainly based off of like I have a five inch boner But the girth is totally The girth is great Oh dude that's all you need So like missionary wise Like I'm like

I'm in business You're only like You're like ten percent less than average Yeah and like exactly And like you know average is like What five and a half inch difference So it's like we're talking about A half inch difference

Honestly though I'm very inflexible You can bluff And like there have been times Where like I Like for example from the side You know sex from the side Yeah yeah When I go on the side

Like my boner Like for whatever the way It doesn't pass your side My like dick Like it's connected to my balls In such a way Then when I lean on the side You have a web

You have a web to scroll them Yeah it's like all like made up Of like one thing It's hard to explain But like my balls like Well like almost borderline Slide up my shaft to some extent Wow

And I'm just like left with Like two inches of boner Yeah you're like You're like an evil kind of evil God I've never wanted to see A guest penis so bad Exactly So you're like a squirrel suit

You don't always see my dick Where the flap starts at your wrist If your hands are extended out Yeah Yeah yeah yeah That's not a That way And now I can't stop

Thinking about it that way We're gonna take a break And thank some more sponsors But then we'll come back With more L.D. Sweet Sex in the shower Are we gonna keep on talking

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Off that first purchase Thank you, Squarespace Alright, we're back What were we talking about? Sex in the shower Have you ever had sex in the shower? Not in a while It was a college thing

Like an exciting Younger person thing Right I'm not into it anymore I think there was a time When having sex in strange places Was really awesome I mean sex in general was awesome

Now the best place to have sex Is a bed or a couch Because that's when it feels the best That's when my dick can be In you the most It's kind of like how we used to do Drugs Or I shouldn't say weed

Kids used to do drugs Even if they didn't like it And then you talk to some later 20-year-olds And they're like I don't like smoking weed It's not fun And then it's like

When did it stop being fun I guess I never liked it I just always did it Because it was cool And that's what 20-year-olds do That's the equivalent Of having sex in weird places Yeah, it wasn't fun

But it was cool And now that you're an adult You're like I don't need to do that anymore To have fun Yeah, I guess so God, that was boring You just said

Doing drugs and having sex Is not good Only young people do Well, do you get high As much as you used to I don't get I mean I still get drunk And I

Eat Molly and do cocaine So that's new and exciting But you definitely get High less than you used to Because it's like I just realized I don't like doing it I was just doing it

Well, I didn't like I guess I didn't like the way That getting high made me feel But I still like the way Other drugs make me feel You just replaced it with other drugs Yeah And you're replacing shower sex

With other types of sex Right I guess rather I feel like Rather than shower sex Like different people Having sex excites me more So before it was like

Exciting when I was young To have like a fuck buddy And we would do it Lots of places And now the most exciting thing Would be to Have sex with lots and Lots of different people

In my bed Yeah, at the same time Really A rotating cast That'd be dope What's your origin? How do you become How do you go from nothing

To rapper? Oh, I thought you were going to Ask me about like My like ethnic Ethnic origin I wouldn't have been able To provide much insight Being Jewish

I think there's like Rushes and all Of course Russia, Prussia, Poland My origin is like So uneventful It's like I won class count

In high school And like I've always like Everybody that I met And that I was close with They're always like I'm in money And so

So what and why But rap is still on in it Yeah, so my whole goal I thought like My whole life I was like I was going to graduate college And make some sort of big move

To like become like Jonah Hill, Seth Rogan Oh, you wanted to be an actor Yeah, more like Yeah, for sure Like I want to be like The front facing thing But I also want to write it

Like I want to I guess it's more like Larry David No interest in being a rapper It was like It was like logically let's think about how like you're gonna pull this off, okay? In terms of like comedy like the barriers to entry there are like super strong like high like high barriers to entry Sure, there's a lot of people doing a lot of people doing it

But then also like the way in which town is found maybe I guess But I don't know like I guess I envisioned like oh I could go to do five minutes stand-ups and like hope it's somebody cool Stumbles in the season or I can write a screenplay which I did do in college and have nobody to hand it to which is what happened Yeah, yeah, like you think you like will write the best screenplay Yeah, who do you give it to who do I give it to probably like isn't even good? It was like or I could Take this one skill I have that's rapping that I always kind of had this as like a skill and like I saw like Lonely Island Oh, yeah, I see these guys be so famous for being so average at rap

And so average at being that funny in these raps in my mind Like truthfully that I was like this is so doable. I know for it for a fact I can be Lonely Island in my sleep. Oh, wow. So like let yeah Beef I never Like I'm like pretty like like and I've never met him and I'm sure he's a great guy But like deep down I'm like very I rude against Andy Samberg But like I'm sure he's the man like I think I rude against him because I'm just so jealous, right? Yeah, it's like kind of looks like me

But I saw that and I was like there's no reason you can't do this and there There's no reason you can't do this cheaply and yourself right now So I spent all my bar mitzvah money love it on these music videos and Well, what about how do you how do you make the beats? I don't even the my first mixtape, which is like the only product that I have out Uh-huh me simply going online and just downloading of like Drake's beats like it's like other so it's like borderline legal Oh, it's not it's illegal Not borderline. There's nothing borderline waiting for a season desist, but it's completely

Common in the rap industry. You just saw the rappers. It's like yeah, and I didn't sell it. I didn't sell anything right You're just putting it online. Yeah, but being the shrewd businessman that I am I certainly flip the Kickstarter off of that and raise some money and so now what not now you're like, uh-oh These videos have four or five million but also did you grow up rapping totally? So you know because I didn't I didn't think that back when I started like that I was like one of the best rappers alive and I like started doing it I got better and better and I fell in love with like the sport of rapping and

I now view like I now feel like I'm one of the best rappers alive like from like a technical perspective That's definitely sound like a rapper because every rapper has to believe that they're the every good rapper believes that yeah There's not a good rapper who doesn't think he's the best rapper alive There's some rappers who like kind of like have their own shtick right and it's like they're awesome at their shtick But like they're not like I always compare it to basketball, but there are like ten rappers out there who think they're Jordan Yeah, and like Five of them are even worth talking about so to all the people listening out there like who the fuck is this guy? Why does he think he's the best?

Do you have an example not like I'm the best or like just like oh go here and YouTube this yeah I would look up my song. It's called Russell Westbrook on a farm I've not heard that one, but I love the premise. It's about what I just talked about how like I had no To me I stumbled like if I didn't make this leap and like decide to choose rap as this thing Uh-huh. I wouldn't have had any idea how good of a rapper I could have easily gone unnoticed. Wow just latent in you. So the exact Is about what if Russell Westbrook grew up on a farm and you know like that he was awesome at basketball And he was like on a tractor all day

There's no fun. There's no jokes in the song I've heard that before like the best writers aren't writing the best actors aren't acting like all that whole theory Well, yeah, I can't I think there are a lot of people out there who are capable of doing it And it's like of that percentage of like the point oh two percent of people that are capable of doing it point oh two percent of That pool doesn't even like only go right they never even try To go for it point nine eight don't right So I was just like I everything based off of logic and it's just like logically that's how you make me That's like I'm good enough to do it. I know I'm gonna like work hard enough to do it

I'm gonna attempt it. So it's like Let's find out if like logically this makes sense and I made one attempt and it worked swimmingly Right, so like one for one so I really think that my logic I'm like using that logic and applying it to everything. So what's next the TV like writing my TV show Oh, let's just a rap base. Well the rapping entity like I'm putting an album out But yeah, it's like it's like Kerr, but instead of it being like a 75 year old coat former co-creator siphon It's a 26 year old rapper who can't get any pussy. Oh, so you're rapping in the show. No, oh shit So you're like, okay rap is done. I'm gonna write a comedy show done

But it's like the show is about Dave Bird the guy who like he's a little dickie gotcha But maybe in the show like that I'm sitting on a podcast with like maybe someone a little bit more attractive. Yeah Yeah Totally then Jake Yeah, it's like yeah, cuz my life is like it's super on it's like so comically Unglamorous it's like the fact that everybody thinks that I can go fuck these girls. Yeah, really. I can't yeah Yes, if I ever can I'm sure that'll be interesting too. Well, what's next rapping wise like putting an album out end of April Oh shit, that's soon. Yeah, and that is are these songs done. I

Think I need one more song for like internal satisfaction, but then yeah, how many songs there's like 13 Like it's your best work. Definitely are any of them on YouTube right now. Yeah, let me freaking white crime or both Yeah, yeah, those are both really funny. Thank you He's right What's it gonna say? Oh, yeah, what about the beats for that? You can't just steal right now It's all proper pipelines. I work with producers like it. I treat it. It's like professional now Are you paying for this album like that's like did a Kickstarter? Oh, you did do a Kickstarter Yeah, how much money did you raise $113,000? Holy shit, dude

You raised a hundred and thirteen. How much did you ask for? 70 really that's fucking dope. So you got to 70 or like no, everyone's like here's another extra 43 to be transparent My personal goal was a hundred. It's just you can't if you So I was like I have no idea what's gonna happen I'm put 70 because it's like really like that would be like what I probably like really need to do this on but actually it Costs far more than even a hundred that like it's oh really. Yeah, it's super expensive But I like can you I do shows and it's not it's not just but like even to survive. Yeah Yeah, you need to make money to live and then also yeah

That's a thing now So What was it gonna say fuck? It's cool. A hundred hundred. Oh, are you still the question are you making music videos for all the songs? Not all of them, but I'd say it you've already have two online I imagine I want to make at least three more. That's the publicity, right? Like if you don't make these music videos are like basically ads for the songs by featuring the song sure I would say that I'm music videos for me or are what like the radio is for like a mainstream rapper, right? Right, because well because your music videos are funny. So they're right seeing a lot more than like

Only that may in front of a bunch of cars. Yeah, right, right. That's yeah It's me. I was like I was checking two boxes in one By having it be people like this musically and then oh also when you show this it's like it's a funny sketch Yeah You'd you don't have to say yes, and I'll even not even include this question if you don't do it Okay, but do you have like a rap that you can do for like 30 to 60 seconds? That's like very impressive that you want to do right now. Like is that a thing you can do? I think so. I think well, I don't know if look at the very least try it. I'll try it. Yeah, yeah

normally there's a beat but I Don't know the definition fuck his average I've been sitting watching Wade and so impatient like his baggage claim I'm about to be the greatest naked pictures in my chat These other rappers fucking lazy were to banging in the hammock, but y'all ain't even hanging y'all ain't in the running boy I'm fucking up the track like the young and in the running y'all a lighter with the fire I want to match he be like no I'm about it, bro How you get at that like these bitches trying to rap they don't get their time rapping

I'm coming like I'm fucking they under wooden to be frank I am front and where the Kevin Spacey I'm on another level debatably crazy and shit They play beside the porn that you playing at a mat and they eating dipping dots. I'm getting checks Fuck I care that my Twitter not okay. I care a little bit algorithm isn't doing its job I'm assuming it's flawed. They probably not believe in the Hobbes the white boy been ballin white boy been a damn king Scott Pollard gotta tell my mom stop calling but dog She's confused about my destiny making me repeat myself like I was judging spelling bees But I'm just trying to smoke we grab a case of Rideau got a zool by a Spanish chick Moe Benito or Benita

That's my Vita keep the rapping tight both ways dexterous where my Rita and when it's y'all it's a nice sound when it's me It'd be like everybody pipe down y'all the background player part hoe checks mix grubbin up it well as far Go had to make a new account didn't want the checks mix y'all are trying to fit it I'm the one who playing Tetris. This is the beginning of my day. It's only breakfast y'all the mini bars y'all got mini bars My girl s thick. That's my minotaur Yeah, that's what I wanted that's what I hope yeah, I love When rappers are like me because I get all their references checks mess Tetris Scott Pollard specifically really appreciate that The more 90s NBA basketball references

Were you a what are you from Philly you were a Sixers fan? Yeah, so like do you have anything about AI stepping over Tyron Lou? I have a sweatshirt of that moment that moment And I would say that's that moment is my favorite moment in the history of sports Wow, that was it. That was the one game the Lakers lost that playoffs. I know That was like whoa like we might win this whole thing and it's all a and they lost four straight But they were competing if Eric Snowden break his ankle and then there was like some honestly Shaq was like elbowing my tumble That was like happening like for like she was like literally elbowing him. Yeah. Yeah, but it's whatever We're not thinking about that no more

That was great. Awesome. If you want more little dickie on YouTube. Yeah, little dickie rap is the YouTube channel. Cool Do you want to answer one more question for you? Yeah? Yeah, we're a little long, but I feel like people will like it We need let me look up if we need a guy or a girl name. What other what other NBA players do you reference? Oh, I got that picked up the Scott Pollard in that one. No, no, no, not in general I have a whole I have a song called sports. Oh shit. That was for me I can I can honestly blow your mind like it's every every it's like shots in the club like plexico Like I'm in the corner hot like plastic does my fucking flow nuts pistachios and like shelvin I know how to make a ho I got girls. I'm gonna keep doing this or not

Yeah, yeah, I got girls on my penis flow is the meanest knock Gilbert, but I'm selling out arenas do it all day Hey, Peterson because I'm trying to get paid like Rivas did I'm at a French bitch big lips And she got a body total put that ass on while like Namdi but fight like rocky white like Roddy Who's your daddy all night like Bobby hotbox rod? I can barely see you know, I keep my car mellow like Anthony Got bigger blunts than the Garrett smoking out a tourist put more Keith in that Philly like Morris anybody better Than me good try. I'm the best like Javid, but I'm not lying not even a Thai son No ear bite in my pockets fat with green. So Rex Ryan when he was on the jet course Ball like a ball for the Bucks like Luke Richard and Bob Mute

I'm a fucking superstar and if they ask LD where I want to live then I'm gonna tell him where mark cake is like Nick Wow, I love the Javid best reference so fucking obscure Do it you went to my school the next verse I get into he hate me Rod smart Holy shit, yeah, I there's no way Sheldon Mack doesn't learn about that yeah from his boy Gordon Hayward. Do you have any Gordon Hayward? Actually that Russell Westbrook song like I'm a huge NBA fan Yeah, but like I'm in the weirdest level of fame where like some people care about me a lot and like everyone else has no idea Yeah, yeah, but like that Russell Westbrook song on a farm Kevin Durant tweeted Instagram like promoted He was like this song is great. That's huge. Yeah, I was so happy. Holy shit. He like one MVP

You are the real Kevin Durant says at home and listens to my rap music. That's insane. He's actually pretty famous He's yeah, yeah Even more so than Sheldon Mack. He did all that promotion for He went to every platform Facebook Instagram and you were in his mind so much And he was like how can I go out of my way to like allow people to see that I fuck with this song? Yeah, that's fucking awesome. Yeah, have you ever spoken to him? Well, he followed me on Twitter and then like, you know, there's like a little like direct message back and forth But oh and if you think Texan a girl is difficult like imagine like oh my god

I can even have you like think about it for like three hours. Yeah That was like that's just me and Kevin being me and Kevin. That's KD. Yeah, it's KD easy easy money sniper. Yeah, exactly All right, we need a oh dude's name last last one class Jimbo Jimbo Fisher Mars nice The third Morris triplet I also like the Lucre Chard Bob Mute reference you see a late dude Long-time listener second-time caller currently I am a sophomore in high school

And I fear that I'm addicted to masturbating On a weekday, I'll rub one out twice Maybe three times a day the weekends are even worse when I have nothing to do I might jack it six to seven times a day and it's not like I enjoy it either I mostly do it when I'm bored. I don't do drugs or drink any advice on how to masturbate less would be awesome awesome Also, I'm in a group chat with my hockey team and there's this one kid who sends dick pics to the whole group I find it weird and gay But my teammates praise him on his nine-inch dick am I the one being weird or are my teammates just fucked up any advice

Would be great to two for that is so funny First off when he said he's in college Sophomore in high school. Oh, yeah, you're nothing's wrong with you. Yeah, you're not masturbating enough Yeah, I was like I went through it, dude I if you were if you're addicted then I was addicted like I used to come home first off If I came home, and I saw my mom's car there just like her car there I would immediately like get this dark cloud over me after misery Like I would shoot open the door like be so nice and loving like I'm here like I'm home

And I would just be miserable that I couldn't like masturbate in like the TV like because there was one big computer that back then But yeah, I don't know to me I when I was a sophomore in high school I was jerking off twice a day at least for sure and Just start the day and ten the day that was yeah Minimum I Jerked off in class. No, you did not. Yeah, I like I put my arms in my t-shirt like I was cold And what are you talking about? Yeah, you came in class. It appears last period of the day So it's not like I like walked around all day with kind of a matter of a period of what?

Illegal absolutely. I've turned off in the car like but I've had like I've on a road trip with my parents like we stopped and like They went and got like like a bottled water, and I had like ten seconds to pull this off And it was because I had like like the hardest boner I've ever not talking about this the entire episode dude I like and I like they were like ten seconds while your parents Driving to Boston from Philadelphia. It's like a six-hour drive I had it like the hardest boner for three hours the point where it was just like really like uncomfortable So they left it was like one two, and I already started coming like two pumps

Yeah, I literally a two-pump and then you just deal with it. Yeah This is like you should make make a video called emission impossible where it's like this guy trying to masturbate in very difficult places got the Pun yeah, you got the fun Dude, what the fuck it like there's no way I just Operation but the reward honestly the teacher was student teacher who was like smoke she's like 24 Oh, yeah, and like the actual the actual teacher was like 42 and like good-looking, but like yeah It was just like so it's like having a menage a toah arms in your shirt. Just Did that there was I know that one of their guy like who was like, you know

I was like a kind of like a normal popular kid. There's this other like totally weird dude who got caught and expelled I don't do oh my god. That could have been you Yeah, I was really reckless I was a really reckless like sophomore in high school I used to do like a lot of stuff that I would never do now. Oh really like what I mean What's even close to masturbating class like I there are my you know back then like I had some incompetent teachers And like I felt like I could like mind fuck them publicly in front of the class and like Yeah, like literally Which is horrible like right now I look I would if I had footage of it

Which I wish I did because it could be sold to HBO because it was like the funniest shit ever That was happening with classes, but like and I look back at it I think like you're a horrible person like that wasn't funny. You're just like really mature and you're picking on like adults who have no Self-social awareness. Oh god. I'm one time like I wrote on the board at this like mr. On was his name He was like an like this Asian science teacher who like could barely speak English. He talked like this Yeah, and like I like he'd call me up to do a question And this isn't like a great example is the first they came to my mind

But I just wrote in huge letters to like the question. That's like a math question. I wrote mr. On suck my cock and then sat down Yeah, and that's crazy But like there was no like I knew there'd be no like I was so I've never got Suspended or anything like I never got in any trouble because like I knew what I was doing at all times Were you smart with high school? Oh, yeah, yeah, you were like top of your class and doing this shit You aren't like an idiot doing no I was like I knew I picked my spine new mr. On would like not do anything about that

But like there are other teachers I knew that the best I could get away with is going up and sharpening my pencil for 45 seconds You are you really are a little dick. Yeah, you really are a little dick. I was bad back then now Like I really like I care more about like like people for whatever reason like that's the same thing with fucking these girls It's like I guess this is growing up. Yeah, I guess that is Okay, so he's not I think you care about people when you're a class clown, too You cared about making people laugh for my own shelf. Yeah, it's all just like Yeah, yeah, it wasn't it wasn't like I'm so happy I'd frighten everyone's day

I was like I'm gonna like I couldn't care less about this person might kill herself as teacher But as long as I'm more famous I'm funny Yeah, but for whatever reason I feel like that there's like a shade of empathy to it to like wanting to make people laugh It's like you go centric as it is to I hope so Cuz I mean look where you are. No, I hope so so this guy's you're not you're not addicted to masturbating You're just no you're totally normal. You're in the normal range I to be to just shed some different light on the topic and then I didn't masturbate as much as like nearly as much as you did

Right, but you know, it was also it was harder. Think about like where you were you had to you had like ten seconds To jerk off when your parents went into a store I didn't my my mom would like pick up my brother from school So I knew I had like a five minute window when I was home and I would take it like I used to now like pictures like Maxim.com and like print out pictures Yeah, me too use the steam and the shower to like press them against the wall in the shower And then like lie on my back and use the massage like head component of the guy Shurious with it and then I would come and it would like like, you know

When you're in the shower and like you're lying on your back Imagine that and you come like just into the air with like the water spraying everywhere It ends up spraying like like I would just like you know, it's four hours later I would just have like dried up come over like my legs You came home from school with dried come all over your body then you would shower Rather than get it cleaned Honestly was only on the high end of like the normal people like I think they're also like weirdos I'm saying like this guy like kids now have so much opportunity to masturbate. They all have iPhones

You could play like HD porn on your phone all the time if I had that when I was like 13 Wouldn't have a dick right I would be gone. You would you would have pulled your dick off. I would have full I for sure I would have shaved girth off of my penis. I think that's a good fear to strike into teenagers that masturbate a lot Like, you know, if you keep if you keep rubbing it, it'll just get smaller and smaller like a popsicle But like people saying that if you masturbate too much, you can bend your dick. Hmm. I don't know if that's true But that definitely scared me away from right now Like I'm like I never thought this day would come either but like I like jerk off like twice a week and like and I don't get any Pussy either. It's just like I'm just like yeah, just your sex drive gets lower

It's so low like there are times where like I load the porn and just like whatever. I'd rather sleep I'm just doing this because I feel like I should yeah, we also have to address the the hockey team. Oh, yeah Yeah, that's true. I love that his opinion is just so staunch. I think this is weird and gay I think I think everyone's right in that like I think you're okay to feel that it's weird and gay But I also think that you're probably a little bit conservative But like justifiably so like people are allowed to be that conservative about not one is another guy stick But there is a community out there who is interested in seeing everybody's dick and I'm a part of that That's kind of he's kind of two sides of like he's like a two-face. He masturbates a lot

And then he thinks this dick is too much like yeah, aren't those aren't those the same? No, it's his dick and another person's dick. Yeah, but if you're into sex stuff Those pictures were coming in I would be like oh come on and then I would look at all of them, too Yeah, you want to see a 90. I've never seen a nine-inch dick That's a lie. I see them pretty much every time I jerk off. It's annoying how big the dick's nine inches That's double average. Yeah, I'm not a little less a little dick. Yeah, honestly the dicks and porno They're like they're like as long as the girl's face like they're like they're like next to the face But if a friend that's a famous person's dick, that's a porn star stick or your friend's nine-inch dick

I have a guy you know. I have a couple friends You don't know he has a nine-inch dick. I don't think I know anybody personally. I know you know people who have a nine-inch dick I'll tell you who they are after the podcast. I know like five guys who've got like seven and a half to nine inch dicks And that's almost too long right? You don't want that. I think seven and a half is like I would like that Yeah, no, but nine nine could be problematic. Yeah It's kind of like you don't want to be too. You don't want to be a seven footer, but it'd be nice to be six four totally We got to end on that. It's a very genuine

LD. Yeah, man. Thanks for coming by. Thanks for having us. This is fun You guys don't know this they record this in like the middle of like paradise like yeah, we're outside We rarely record outside. It was such a nice day. Yeah, it's such a quiet a gentle breeze. We had to Let's hang out more. Yeah, I was talking to them earlier before we started recording our interactions Yeah, I have no friends moving to be friends. Yeah, I think we get along This is gonna be the like the beginning of our friendship. Yeah, have it on Playing at one of our funerals. Yeah, little dick. He just fucking masturbate Is there anything you wanted to advertise before we go? Yeah, I'm going on tour

Starting in March 12th going around the country for the most part come to a show that they're interesting like I start my shows with Like a PowerPoint presentation. Holy shit any in LA. Yeah for 20. Let's get fucking. Oh, really? Yeah, all right Yeah, and if you have your own questions for those you listening out there You can email us at if I were you show at gmail.com also send theme song submissions and thumbnail submissions LD thanks for coming by thanks for having me I don't know if we said the opener was from someone named Rob So thanks Rob and this last one was from someone named Gory on or Gorge on Gory on that doesn't matter Thanks for writing it Gory on

Jake Hey everybody, I don't know if you've heard but your favorite website thechive.com now has words and it's come in the form of our Shining new podcast right over a podcast one. So join us. I'm John Rezeg. This is Bob Phillip. Hi Every Thursday for a mix of chai culture celebrity interviews and offbeat current events You never know who's gonna drop by the studio and you certainly never know what we're going to say to them So it's the chai podcast. It's total ear candy There's no snark involved in this and you can download it now at podcast one dot com. That's podcast one dot com