If I Were You - 138: Sitcoms

Episode Date: March 5, 2015

In this episode we discuss hairy legs, double dates, and Jake's perfect porn.This episode is brought to you by TrunkClub.com, MeUndies.com, and DollarShaveClub.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

I believe it or not, I have a problem, please help me, check in a meal, I had sex if I broke and someone filmed me, if I were you, sure, this is sir not hashtag joe. Thoughts? They're Australian. They showed their hand at the last second when they said sure. Do you know what that's a parody of? No. There's a song called, I believe, I don't know what it's called, but it's believe it

or not, I'm walking on air, I never thought I would be so free, flying away on a wing and a prayer, where could I, I get it. And then in Seinfeld, George wanted to have a catchy answering machine, believe it or not, George isn't at home, so leave a message at the beep. So I don't know that song, I just know the Seinfeld one. Yeah, you only know the pop culture reference. So it's basically like, are they Australian? Do you want me to look it up?

I don't know if they said it. We recorded this, oh my god, yeah, please come to Australia soon. Bitch. Nailed it. We haven't announced it yet, but we are coming to Australia soon. More info on that as it develops. Like this, oh my god, the most deflating way to make that announcement. Well, it already came out a little bit.

We're going also a little bit. We are coming. There's no concrete details yet. We're coming to Australia! God damn it. Woo! As soon as all the info is out, we'll be very, very vocal about it, almost annoyingly so.

Yes. But for now, we can't really say anything. Because we don't know. We don't know exactly yet. Those are being finalized. Here's a weird... Well, actually, what was the joke you told me right before we... Oh.

We started rolling. Well, not so much a joke, it's just an interesting story that I read. There was this fraternity in the south, you know, with Greek like, it was very big down there. And there was a pledge who really wanted into this frat, you know, didn't mind the hazing, he wanted the brotherhood. His name was Todd Schneider. I guess it's not really important, but as they were debating, you know, what brothers

to let in. Yeah. This one brother... I guess his name was Chad. Okay. He stood in front of his chapter and he said, what if Todd was one of us? God, that really made me laugh. If Todd had a name, what would it look like and would you want to...

Call it Todd's face. Yeah, yeah, yeah, what if Todd was one of us? Just a bro like one of us. You could still say slob like one of us. That would still work. Did you like Weird Al or is that not your thing growing up? Oh, shit. Is that a Weird Al?

No, no, no. But like, in general, in general, that's what he did, but like, I don't remember you saying you liked Weird Al. Yeah. I mean, I think I liked him just like all of our comedy stuff. It's like, I liked it and you were obsessed with it. You were just okay with it. The Simpsons, I thought it was funny and I thought it was really good and I watched it.

But then you like... Did I like it more or do I just say that I liked it more? Well, I don't... I couldn't do the Simpsons and Weird Al references that you'd like. I don't think it was such a big part of my life. Did you have something that you were obsessed with? I guess not. I had like, I've had the Weird Al CDs.

I really liked Gangster's Paradise. I like, had that tape and I really thought it was great. You mean Amish Paradise? Sorry, yeah. I'm sorry. You know what? Forget it. You just showed your hand.

I was obsessed with Adam Sandler, like... Little Nicky. I did really... I mean, up until Little Nicky, I think that was the last movie that I saw that I didn't like. Oh wait, including Little Nicky? I liked Little Nicky. I was excited by Little Nicky.

And when you saw it, you thought it was great. I wasn't like, this is his best ever. This isn't my favorite, but it was still an Adam Sandler movie, so it was still dope. That's like a 13 year old movie critic. It wasn't his best ever. This is his third movie ever. It actually harkened back to Happy Gilmore days, if you think about it. Yeah, I think it was like, I was obsessed with Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison.

Which one did you like more of those two? Billy Madison. Classic. That says it all, doesn't it? I guess so. This is If I Were You, the only vice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Todd.

I'm Todd now. What if I was one of you? It's actually pretty convenient that the opening theme song, oh, did we say it was from? No. Becky and Ben. Sorry, what? Becky and Ben. Thank you for that.

Thanks, Becky. Thanks, Ben. And if you have your own theme song, you can send it over to IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. I was saying it's very convenient that it's a Seinfeld parody because all of the questions that I rounded up today sound like sitcom plots. Oh, very nice. Yeah, they're not like the traditional relationship questions we've been answering, but it actually, we can really get into what you would do if you were in that situation.

Great. So, let's start with the first one called Hair Shorts, sort of the name of that episode. Can we get a guy's name? George. George writes, Hey guys, love the show. I'm a 20-year-old guy from England. A few weeks ago, I went on a pub crawl with a society at uni. When I found out it was a James Bond and Bond Girls theme, I had the idea that I should

go as a Bond girl. My girlfriend and I thought it would be funny, so we went out shopping and got me an outfit that went to mid-thigh. After this, I found out that she wanted to shave my legs for the full effect. I thought, hell, in for a penny, in for a pound, and let her shave my legs, but got her to only shave where it could be seen, so passed the bottom of the dress, but not above the hem of the dress. For a while, I had silky smooth legs and what looked like shorts made out of hair on my

thighs. Now the bottom has started to grow in, but it's super fine and it looks weird in comparison to the hair up top. I'm worried that it won't grow in the same as the rest of the hair shorts. So what should I do? Should I shave my whole leg so that it grows back all the same, or should I just wait and let it grow in on its own? Thank you.

Love, George. You should have never been in for a penny in for a pound. You only go in for a penny and not the pound. We're already wearing the dress, you didn't have to shave your legs, and then if you're really in for the pound, shave the entire leg. Yeah, he basically shaved up until his thigh, so he had hairy thighs and smooth calves. The sitcom situation is then the person's going to get laid after a really long dry spell, but they're embarrassed about their hairy shorts.

So then they shave their whole legs and then it's like, wait, why do you have to shave the whole legs? So what would you do? Have you ever shaved your legs? Yeah, you know when I was in seventh grade, I think I shaved my legs in the winter because I wanted my legs to be hairier and I wanted my armpits to be hairier, so I shaved my legs and my armpits because I had heard that it grows back thicker. Oh, interesting.

Had that workout. Just kidding. I was an Olympic swimmer, so we had to do it. You still shaved your legs in this line. You didn't want any drag. So this guy shaved only below the knee. Right. Have you ever shaved your legs?

Never. I do think, well, it's going to grow back, it's just going to take some time. There's no need to reshape everything because you're just going to keep on shaving. Right. You don't like the way it's going to look weird growing in for a little bit, but you might as well do it now because it's cold out, wear pants, set it over. So what would you do if you were him? Aside from not shaving in the first place and not having a girlfriend who makes me shave

my legs. Yeah, for a costume. What an extreme way to go to a costume. Changing your actual body is like the last level of costume. Getting a haircut or getting a mustache or growing a beard. You always do that. You just get so, you go too far. It's like, all right, it'd be funny if I wore a dress.

And then it turns out not funny when you have to shave your legs. Unless, I just imagine people who love costumes may be like, no, that's the way to do it. You got to do it. Yeah, people who love costumes are weird to me. Those people are weird or that attribute for them is weird? Those people in general are weird. I just don't understand that like, rigidity when it comes to like, no, you have to go all out.

It's got to be a real goatee. Yeah. It's got to be, you really have to shave. You're not a Bond girl unless you shave your legs, because then you're not a Bond girl because you have a penis. You have to, let's slice it off. I really think we should slice your dick off. Really?

Come on. You have to take estrogen pills. We're going to do that. We're not going to do the Bond girl this year because you can't pull it off. I'm afraid that if you start going through the hormone treatment, it won't actually kick in until after the society's pub crawl. For pub crawls from now, you'll have grown out your hair, taken the estrogen, got your penis tucked into your body to be a vagina.

Just so he can play the character of femme bond. Yeah. So at that point, you could like audition for a Bond girl. He's going further than actual actors do. Like when you hear about gaining 60 pounds for a role. Yeah, that's exactly what he did. But his role is drunk guy dressed as a woman on a pub crawl. Yeah.

It's such a joke that lasts for five seconds when you meet somebody like, all right, cool. Now you have to wander around in a dress all day. In for a penny, in for a pound. Yo, you're weirding everybody out. Yeah. You should have saved those 99 pence, but shit, it was 99 pence. So what would you do? At this point, I would just not shit.

You've already made the mistake by shaving. No more shaving. Just let it grow back in. Let it grow. Let it grow. Do two wrongs. Don't make it right. You're saying.

Yeah. I think I wouldn't shave it all either. I think this guy thinks that his hair looks more different than it is. Like can people actually tell that he has fine hair up until his knee and then thicker hair above the knee? Well, maybe it's just growing in. It's growing in slowly. It's growing in light.

It's growing in stubbly. Like it's not going to grow back and be the exact same hair that you had before. Why not? Shouldn't that be the case? I think, I don't know. I mean, when you shaved your hair, it didn't grow back thicker. It didn't grow back thicker. Right.

But like, I don't think, I think it takes a lot of time for it to just be the way it was. Yeah. It's kind of like when you're painting a house and you paint half the house and then you decide to, uh-oh, change the house. Right. He thinks you have to then paint everything white and then paint everything again. And we're just saying, just chill out for a bit and the color will change.

Right. Well, if it's a painting and you do need the primer, so you'd have to prime the whole house. Oh, shit. So, but shaving wise, yeah, paint your entire leg white, then shave your house. I really, done, moving on. Yeah, I also wouldn't shave again. Just wait.

Waiting is the best way. And now you already have hair. Right. The thought of me having slick hair or no hair in my leg seems kind of weird. Yeah. Does that mean I'm a homophobe? Yes. All right.

What if the, I also think gays shouldn't get married. Oh, you're fine. That's okay. It cancels out. Uh, what are you saying? You're holding your leg. You're seeing how hairy it is. Yeah.

Your leg isn't very hairy. So. It's pretty hairy. Thanks. I'll lose her. You still think that's cool. Um, oh, all right. Another Sikami in event.

Question. Uh, do you have another guy's name? Kramer. Cosmo. Cosmo. Howdy. So the neighbor bit, this is a funny way to start it. Howdy.

Neighbor bitches hit my car last night. Woke up this morning to find parts of my back bumper scattered on the ground and one of their cars was missing paint from its front bumper. Putting two and two together, I walked up to their door like some kind of hero or whatever and asked them if they knew what happened. Unsurprisingly, they said they hadn't been home the night before. Here's the thing. We live in a side by side duplex.

Our houses share a wall. Shortly after I talked to them, I could hear them clearly talking about how in fact they did hit my car and didn't know what to do. They decided that their best option was to take their car to the car wash and get any of my cars paint off of it and then continue to deny that they knew what had happened. Damage to my car is mainly cosmetic, but would take about a thousand dollars to repair and prevent future damage. What should I do?

What would be to burn their house down? But as we share a house, that seems like a bad option. Love, Kramer. Just caught catching someone in a clear lie and then going back to your house and then hearing through the wall, I was like, shit, he heard us. He heard us about how we're lying. I walked up to them like some kind of hero and asked them if they knew what happened. It's so passive.

Superman flies into the middle of a bank robbery and is like, is everything chill here? Did anybody see what happened? Did anyone see? Okay. I'm not going to point fingers here, jokester, but you are holding two bags of cash with a dollar sign on the outside. And the bank teller has a throat slit and you're holding a bloody knife. Nope, I didn't do it.

Okay. And then Superman starts to leave and they're like, oh, that was close. Okay. So I did hear that. I did hear the part where you said that was close. We didn't say anything. Okay. God damn it.

I think it fits me. Well, it's not very sitcom-y of what I do, but I'd call the police. So you would just straight up say, would you even give them a chance? Maybe like these girls lied to me and now I think the cops have to come. Wouldn't they just lie to the police? Well, they committed a crime, so I would call the police. You know what I would do? Right after I walk up to their house, I knock on the door and I said, did you guys see what

happened? They're like, no, we don't know. I don't know. It's crazy. I'm like, okay. So you don't confess to it. They're like, no, I don't know what happened. And then I know that their plan is to go get a car wash.

So I power walk up to their car and I lay down behind their back wheel so that my forehead is flush with the ground in their wheel. And I just don't, I refuse to move. And then they can't move the car without killing me. Their back wheel? Yeah, their back wheel. They can't back out of the garage or the car. They'll just drive forward over the lawn.

It's a really funny image. I lay down in the back wheel. You're going to have to run me over. Good luck, losers. The exhaust. The exhaust in your eye. They knock over your mailbox on the way out. Bitches and cream.

I would be calling them the neighbor bitches too if they did that. It's also funny to imagine Superman laying down next to a guy's car and his face flush against the back tires, urging him to kill him. You could just lie in between the two tires. Then they definitely need to figure something else out. Because they couldn't back up or go forward. Yeah, you just, you take a pillow and you start lying underneath their car. But I guess, like, initially, if you saw that the paint was off their car and like their

front bumper and your back bumper, you should have been like, so you guys hit my car. What do you guys want to do? You gave them some kind of weird out to be like, do you see what happened? And then they're like, no. So now that you cut or like overheard them, go back and say, well, now I overheard you guys talking about it. So I know you did it. No, that wasn't us.

And then if they still sit like refused to do anything, then I would call the police because a crime happened. It's illegal. What they did. Is it illegal? Yes. It's illegal to hit someone. No, it's illegal to hit someone and run.

They didn't run. They're denying the legal to do that. Is it? It's a run. That's a run. I can see John Wolfe taking this case and debating it until it's too costly to actually take him to court. I didn't hear anyone.

Did anyone see it? No. It's his word against mine. So what would you do? You would call the police. You hear them talking and then you say, I'd confront them one more time and say, I heard you guys, do you want to deal with this through our insurance? I gave you the benefit of the doubt twice now.

Right. And then if they again try to avoid the issue, then I call the police because it's a crime. It's illegal. What they've done is breaking the law. Yeah. I guess I would do that. You don't, you don't call the cops. You threaten to call the cops first and then they start freaking out, but what an annoying

thing to have to do on your neighbor. You'll just always see them. Yeah. But I guess you didn't do anything wrong. No. Like what the neighbor, the neighbor bitches like fucking assholes call the cops on us for hitting his car and denying it. Piece of shit.

Oh, there goes that fucking loser. We called the cops when we hit his car and told them we didn't. What dummies that they are, that they did that and then just parked their car was like, that was close. The bumper clearly dangling off their car is really fucked up. It's dumb. And also like what awful humans to be like, they hit a car and they're just not going to deal with it.

The very rare hit and stay. You never see that anymore. A hit and stay. They always return to the scene of the crime, especially if they live there. They always live at the scene of the crime. All right. So threaten to call the police and then actually do it. Yeah.

Snitch. I got a problem. The neighbor's a bitch, but uses snitch. Snitches and bitches is the name of that sitcom. Snitches and cream. Okay. Here's another good one. Another dude's name.

Jerry. Jerome writes, Hey guys. So I'm 17 years old and I live with my older brother and dad. I tend to watch porn on the reg at least once a day and I use the family computer, but I'm extremely careful not to leave a trace out of curiosity. I lately checked if there was any porn on the family computer and lo and behold, there was. I checked in on it and I found that it wasn't me who'd first gone it.

Therefore, it's either my dad's or my brother's. Here's where it gets sticky. My brother is the type of person to check the browser history and leave the porn there to try to catch me out. Therefore, if it's my dad's and I delete it, he might think I was covering up my tracks and if it's my dad's and I don't delete it, my brother might find it and assume it's mine and I'm just getting sloppy seconds. If it is my brother's porn, my dad might find it and assume it's me. More porn keeps appearing every week and time is running out. Please help.

This is like an M.C. Escher logic problem. I don't know what the fuck is it's a triangle. I'm running out of time. I just reached the event horizon. Critical mass. What do I do? This triangle keeps looping in on itself. So if he deletes it, can you understand the logic there?

If he deletes it, the brother will think that he deleted his own porn when it was actually his dad's. If he doesn't delete it, then the dad might find it. Oh, the brother's already seen it and is like... What? If he deletes it, the brother will assume that that porn all along was his porn. This is a riddle. If it's my dad's and I delete it, he might think I was covering up my tracks and if it's my dad's and I don't delete it, my brother might find it and assume it's mine and I'm just getting sloppy.

If it is my brother's porn, my dad might find it and assume it's mine. Just delete it. Is there any... Is there any version of that where it's good to leave it? Yeah. Oh, no. I mean, there's pros and cons to each. This is like the farmer that had to move three animals across the river.

The fox, the chicken, and the flower or something. You can't leave the fox with the chicken, right? Because then the fox leaves the chicken. And then you can't leave the chicken with the flower. You take two and leave one, then come back. Okay, so this is what you do. You buy a new computer, leave the porn, then you take the old computer back across the river. You can ride with the computer.

I think it's so funny because everybody... What is... If you zoom out for a bit and figure out, there is no secret. Everybody's looking at porn. Right. If you live in a house with three dudes, it should all just be fine. Right. So at this point, I would say, don't do anything.

You can't get in trouble if you don't do anything. Also, it's okay if somebody thinks you look at porn because you are looking at porn. So it's not like he's catching you doing something you're not doing. Yeah, I guess I would just not really want to look at the type of porn my dad and brother were looking at. Yeah, so maybe I would start using a different browser. Yeah, it made it sound like they were downloading it. Well, maybe they're just on Firefox and they're not clearing the history. So I would get Chrome.

This is a chromat. Yeah, I would just get a different browser, use that, avoid the entire scenario. What about your phone? Do you think are there people out there still without internet on their phone? Yeah, but you don't want to look at porn on your phone. But isn't that better than a family computer? It's like your own private little station. Yeah, but it takes a long time to load.

It's hard to find. So you're like an old school, old generation guy. You're like, oh, I can't look at porn on my phone. In the future, everyone's going to be looking at porn on their phone. I think, well, I guess that's definitely possible. It's like how our dads like to read newspapers and not online. Right, but I like the idea of sitting down, opening up 55 tabs of porn. And like, I don't think that'll ever get old.

When you multi-tab, are they all going on at the same time? No, not always. Are you like a DJ going back up like, now you're like a producer in like a world? Yeah, I would never just like let 10 different things stream at the same time. Right, so you're going back and forth, like creating your own little narrative, a little choose your own porn venture. Yes, which is porn that's very fun, by the way. There is choose your own adventure porn.

Oh, really? You never heard of that? Yeah, it's dope. Do you think you'd be a good porn director? Yes. It'd be incredible. What would you do like differently than what? Or you would just do what you've seen that you like?

Or is there something that people aren't doing? Yeah, I would do what I've seen that I've liked, but also I would have a really specific genre of porn. And a vision. Right. So have you thought about this before? Yeah, the fetish that I would want to get into. No, no, no.

Have you thought about directing porn? Yes. And what's the thing? What's your goal? What's your dream? What's your avatar? Oh, God, I mean, I would launch a website. You're not even talking about directing porn.

You're just talking about building a website in addition to that. No, this would be like my genre. This would be my website. It'd be like a Tumblr that was updated once a week with a different video of this theme. Oh, gotcha. That you directed. Yeah. Uh-huh.

The theme is we shouldn't be doing this. I really like we shouldn't be doing this porn. Is that a thing already? I don't think so. I mean, sometimes it is a little bit like... I wish you weren't touching your dick in my bed as you're talking about. I'm getting so... I'm coming.

There's like step-brother and step-sister type porn or like, you know, that... Forbidden or... Right. Exactly. But I would just make it a little more authentic. Yeah, you're saying like that's first idea shit. Step-brother, nanny housekeeper. Right.

You want to be like, oh, I dated your sister's best friend or something a little bit more real. I guess, and like sort of like, okay, fine, like, but I'm only going to give you a hand job. And then like that escalates to the point where like, oh my God, just fuck me finally. And you know, it sort of like teases it out. Oh, fuck me finally would be a good name for the series. Oh, that's true too. Yeah. Like somebody who always wanted to fuck.

And like, you... I think I feel like the coolest thing about porn is like, you always know that it's just going to be like, they're just going to fuck so quickly. And then some people are into things like... J-O-E, like jerk off encouragement or jerk off instruction. And then some people are into like hand jobs. So there's like definitely a market for people that don't go all the way or just blowjob porn. Right.

But I think it'd be kind of cool because you can appeal to everybody, right? If you're doing the like first third of the video is just J-O-Y. It's like just... You can find some really joy in that J-O-Y. Joy. It's just interest. It's just like, you know, it's not actually penetration or whatever. It's just the encouragement and the information.

Then fall like, all right, we're hooking up a little bit. But like, we can't go all the way. And then the last is like, we're going to go all the way. Fuck me finally. That's what it should be. You're 100% right. Fuck me finally, porn. Two things.

One, I like that you're worried about like, you're using your like movie writer brain. The first, second and third act. Yeah. Have you read Save the Twat? Secondly, what about some videos, since you're going to do this like a recurring thing, some videos they actually decide not to so that when they do, it's extra exciting. Oh, that's really... So for three weeks in a row...

I guess I'd be pretty mad if I was paying for a site where like three times in a row, they didn't fuck. Well, it's a roulette spin. You don't know if it's going to happen. That way, when it does happen, it's extra exciting. A lot like life. Very interesting. Very interesting.

Thoughts? Yeah. If I wanted to do it, I'd really have to get my tattoos removed. Identifying marks. You want to be in it? Course. And you think you could be as hidden if you just got your tattoos removed? I think so.

Wait, can you direct your own, like can you be a Woody Allen on a tour where you're directing yourself in the actual porn? Yeah, the guy at Amateur Allure does it. Preston Parker did it with Bang Bros. He's holding the camera too. Yeah. He's the DP of DPs. Nice.

Thanks. Nice. So you'd want to be in the porn that you're directing? I think it's only fair. Just imagine you sitting on a chair, looking glum. Like, this is fine, but this is so fucking unfair, actually. This is all my idea. This guy gets fucked because of me, basically.

I got you freaking laid and paid. Meanwhile, I'm just getting one of the two. That's not right. It's not fair. That's not good. It's not good you at all. All right, we have one more normal question, but we'll take a break first and come back and then we'll discuss.

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Squarespace. We're back bitches. Hey, what? It's not a nice thing to call our listeners. I was kidding, dude. I know, but cool. Cool. It's a funny joke, but enough.

Cool with the anti-Semitic remarks. We're still coming to Duke University Monday, March 30th. Yeah. Coach K. This is our show. Coach Kavchevsky. Chris Zawisky. It was going to be there.

He's not. Okay. But it's a live podcast. So if you like podcast and you go to Duke University, it's perfect. If you like our podcast and go to a nearby university. NC State, UNC. If you just live in Raleigh Durham, you live in the information or the research triangle. Yeah.

Even like, let's go as far as UNC Greensboro or Wilmington. I'd even go so far as to say UVA or West Virginia. I would go so far as to say UConn. Really? UMass. U-Tex is tech. Absolutely Florida A&L. Yeah, the show.

There's no reason. Miami of Ohio. The Jim Beihime shouldn't be there. There's so many reasons he shouldn't. All right. You want to get to the last question? Let's do it. All right.

This one is less of a sitcom question, but more of a real deal. Uh, he's drunk when he wrote it. So do you have a name of a drunken person on Seinfeld? Um, uh, Newman. Yeah. That's what a putty. Putty was wasting. Dear Jake and Amir, have you ever had a drunk question?

I'm sure you have. Okay. Long time listener. First time. Do you guys prefer having a date or do you prefer a natural chat for a bit? Start to like each other. Start dating mutually. I've never had a date and people say I'm missing out.

Is that right? Also I'm going to miss Amir and Jake for when it ends. It also works the other way around from whatever name you picked for me. Okay. It's a nice question. Uh, should I, should I have a date is what he's asking. Do you guys prefer having a date or do you prefer a natural chat for a bit? Start to like each other and start dating mutually, which is definitely not an urgent

question. I don't know that he's not phrasing the two options right. Do you guys prefer a date or to start dating mutually? I think I prefer a date and then to start dating mutually. I think what he's the source, the issue, the main question here is like, do you want to get set up on like, oh, I'm going to meet this person one on one for a drink or an afternoon tea to go on a date? Or is it like, oh, I like it when group hangs, turn into a flirtation, turn into a thing.

Yeah. Let's keep hanging out with groups and then we'll eventually hang out solo. And to that, I think you and I would say, why not do both? There's room. But what do you prefer both? I wouldn't want either or I love dating is really fun. The one on one, but don't you prefer the other way, the group hang, the hey, meet me out with my boys.

You said like you'd love if the Rosenberg twins were on all of your dates. Right. Well, my dream is the co-order date. Which is? You get a date. You tell your friend Dave Rosenberg to find a date for that same evening. Oh. Not usually hard.

Oh, everybody's got like Tinder matches that they've been like. You prefer double dates, triple dates. Right. But then you can't go to the same place to start. I'd say, oh, why don't you and I go to this bar? And then Dave goes wherever with his bar and we know the second bar that we're going to meet up at. And you do that blindly behind the lady's back or do you say?

Yes. Of course. So then you have one drink. You're like, oh, do you want to check out this other bars around the corner? It's all like, I almost said we should go there. It's really fun. And then you go around the corner and oh, shoot, there's my friend Dave. Hey, Dave, meet my date and they're like, oh, I'm on a date.

Then it's like, seems fortuitous. Super fun. Everybody gets a drink together. Oh, that's good. So then you're basically, it's like a little bit of deception, but not in a bad way. Yeah. Because you're only like conspiring to have a really fun time. Right.

All right, Dave. And then we'll meet her out and steal her purse when she gets there. Yeah, meet her out, dude. Meet her out. Nice. You can eat her out or meet her out. Whoever says that for the first time should be raising a gun to the right and about to pull the trigger.

I just came up with a joke. But there are some people who look legit. Like I have some friends that are like, they'll date girls for a long time before they introduce them to their friends. Right. To some people that's a big deal. Yeah. And like you, and I guess I do too is like, you might as well like start in the group,

hang, meet everybody and then like start with a group and then if it escalates, it becomes one on one time. Right. Then you splinter off. It's almost like the inverse. I like that too. But I mean, it's, it is fun to go on a date. Yeah.

I think it's not fun to like only date and like then you're not hanging out with your friends ever. But to say like every once in a while, oh, I got a date. I'm going to take somebody out to drinks and, and then I would just probably be quick to be like, and come out with all my friends because I like, because that's what I'm most passionate about. Yeah. And that's when you look the best.

Right. I like hanging out with my friends so much that if I would, like I would never go on a date on a Friday or Saturday. That's too important. I would do a Wednesday. A Wednesday drinks. And then if it's great, say, oh, me and my friends are doing this big thing on Friday, you should come.

So like, this is like the preseason almost. It's almost like the round of 32. You don't want to, you don't want to invite her straight to the sweet 16. Yeah, dude. Coach K. You got to earn it. See you at the show, brother. You'll be there, brother.

Won't you? My dude. Coach Krzyski. There's no way Coach K doesn't dye his hair, right? I can't imagine him not dyeing his hair because there's, you know, 65 year old man doesn't have jet black hair without a single gray, but also can't imagine him like over the sink being like, all right, here we go. Oh, yeah.

Oh, Marsha, can you? It's starting to leak a little bit. Single. He doesn't have a single gray hair. No, it's jet black. And he's like over 65 years old, I bet. That is weird. Dude doesn't age.

Well, that's come out of the show. Well, that'll be the first question for him. He's a Mario Lopez of himself. He truly is an ageless wonder. Do you hear about the Tinder thing? They're starting to charge. Yeah. And fuck that noise.

Not only the charging, they're charging a pretty solid amount and also different if you're over 30 or under 30. Aged? Yeah. It's like, if you're over 30, it prompted me to pay $20 a month. And I was like $20. I don't even know what I do pay $20 a month for. That's like.

So much money. Yeah. That's more than Netflix. It's like three times Netflix. Yeah. It's like five magazine subscriptions. Yeah, it's like HBO. So what's the alternative?

There hasn't been like one big one. I guess Hinge is starting to pop up. Yeah. Hinge's functionality is just really dumb. They like try to do too much. What? And I really. Oh, wait, hold on.

There's an ice cream truck. Hmm. It's nice. Hmm. I like that. Sweet. Just run out to the street and get hit. There should just be a Tinder for normal people.

Yeah. The league. Yeah. The league history, isn't it? I don't know. You can get into the league. I don't have a LinkedIn. What are you saying about Hinge's functionality?

Oh, well, I don't love it. It's just like not as. I haven't used it in a while. So, but it like I used to just be like not as good as Tinder. The pictures were at worse quality. And then also Hinge does this thing where they like send you your stats. I know that Tinder has the same amount of information because it's just from Facebook. But they don't say that to you.

They don't flaunt it. Like there was one time that I didn't message a girl. So Hinge emailed me and CC'd her. Oh, like put us both on the same email and like, hey, you guys matched on Hinge. You guys both like hiking. Jessica's Jessica works at this place and grew up and then it's like Jake went to Hampton Hall High School. Yo, chill.

Chill Hinge. What the fuck are you doing? You're telling her where I went to school and that I like my sister's music and you're telling me where she works. He's like a really passionate, what's it called? Person that puts people to matchmaker. Yeah. It's like you already made the match.

Let us deal with it at this point. We'll do it from here. And how about you don't just like announce things that you think you know about me? I'm sorry, Hinge, but you haven't fucking been there from the beginning. And just like, yo, hey, check this out. Me, Jake, he went to this high school like that matters to anybody. It's like Hinge, chill out. I can talk to myself.

You're not bragging. Tell you what, if I want to tell her about myself, I'll tell her something that I feel represents me in a positive way. Yeah. Hinge is like a drunk guy at a party. He's like, hey, you should talk to Jake. He went to Hampton. And the girl's like, all right.

I don't know why. And he's like, sorry, that's my weird older brother Hinge. That actually would have been a really fun response to that email. What? Sorry. Hinge is being a little aggressive. Let me tell you about myself. And then Tinder's like a better matchmaker, but he's just constantly asking you for cash.

Yeah. See, this is why we should still be working at College Humor. We can come up with viral videos like this. That's true. Dating apps at a party. That's where our old jobs back. We're lonely. We're lonely and scared.

All right. That's it. We gave this guy advice, I think. Sort of like a mix of both things that you're asking. Yeah. You can do some of a little bit of column A, a little bit of column B. The Venn diagram overlaps. Yeah.

All right. That's it. That's our time. Thanks to everybody for listening on this bonus bonus Thursday. If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions or your own thumbnail submissions, please. The email address for everything about our podcast is IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. The opening theme song was from Becky and Ben from Australia.

Nailed it. And this last one is from somebody named Roland. So thanks Becky and Ben and Roland. Todah. We'll be back on Monday. Yeah. Where's my snare? I can't hear my snare.

Ah, there it is. Good. Okay. Jake and Amir intro. Part one. Here we go. Yes. Ladies.

Is your man a little bitch? Is your pussy red and cummy? Does it need a little itch? No need to ask a friend to lend an ear. It's easy. That's it. Email in to Jake and Amir. Fellas.

Now we're not forgetting you. Does your dick look like a meatloaf? Is there bleeding in your poo? Well, now don't just show it to the mercy of our Jake and Amir and take their advice first. Because they know. They know what they're talking about. Believe me.

Okay.