If I Were You - 139: Get Weird (w/George Basil !)

Episode Date: March 9, 2015

Friend/Actor/Comedian George Basil joins us to discuss attraction and parenting.This episode is brought to you by Bombas.com and DollarShaveClub.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

I've got a problem, I've got a guy in I know he's been sleeping around now Jane, if you're listening, I've got assistance This is what I would do if I were you I'd call it over, I'd call a lawyer Cause shit like this don't end too well If I were you, I'd burn this house down Maybe not that last one You know, you always do this

Here I am trying to give advice Listen, I really don't care Fine, whatever Maybe not that last one It's only if I were you It was a rap sketch in the middle How'd you like that, George? I liked that a lot

That moved freely, flowed greedily I liked it a lot Good, we're outside so excuse any helicopter noises you're hearing Right at the start of the episode Just to let people know Excuse the one helicopter that we started out with Oh my god It's actually just hovering above us

There's a spotlight We're underneath the heliopad Thanks for coming to our heliopad Yeah, thanks for having me, I'm on the run You're on the lamb Yeah, ma'am Uh, George Basil, let me introduce you to people who don't know Sure, go ahead

Give it a shot You do your best You're putting on a blindfold right now This is probably my last cigarette How would our fans know you? From our videos Yeah They know me from everywhere

Everything they've done is pretty much part of me George is an enigma I'm the aberration And that's why we hate you Yeah, exactly What's the most I've had a nightmare when you've met me? You're Freddy Krueger In sleep worlds

What's your most popular video that you've been in ever? Goodness, probably Wolverine Well, no, probably the Google is a guy Oh, yeah He's the creepy guy and the Google is a guy, right? Come on, man I'm a businessman and Google is a guy Yeah, you just always think he's the creepy guy and everything

Are you the easiest? I don't know I don't remember In Google is a guy? I can't remember There's like three of them Shouldn't you remember since you did it three times? You reprised the role

You did not? Is it three different ones? Yeah, I was like, first time was a creepy guy Second time was like a creepy businessman Third time was like a creepy athlete So it's always a creepy something It's just whatever you play, you bring a creepy to it It's like Halloween costumes

George was in a video that I wrote, The War of 1812 That was the first video I've ever been in Did you know Jake wrote that? Yeah, because we met at a bar afterwards Yeah, and I was really excited because you're really good in it Yeah, and I didn't know what you were talking about Yeah, you were really cool You were wasted, you were on the floor

Everybody was sort of trying to keep you CPR I was like, you were really good in the video You were a creepy soldier Would you say you're an actor or a comedian? I think I'm an actor now I used to be a comedian, but I don't laugh anymore You don't have to laugh to be a comedian You have to have a laughter in your heart and that's all gone

Holy shit, dude Nah, it's alright You're like the opposite of a motivational speaker You're a demotivational streamer Yeah, I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be prolific soon I'm going to start crying a lot of shit And as soon as I start crying, I think it's going to open me up to awards You're like Eddie Murphy, the more you act, the less funny you become

Until you're just a good actor who never smiles anymore You're the way Eddie Murphy God, I hate him We used to say that the opening theme song was written by Mike Skrilloff Pronounced like Skrillex, except less cool Unless you say it in a Russian accent, then 110% more cool Thanks, Mike Skrilloff We love it

Have you ever heard the show before? No Let me explain things to you This is an advice podcast Oh, you don't even want to know Just because nothing matters is all I'll explain it to them and then you can listen Okay

So if you've never heard the show before, Listener at Home This is an advice podcast People write us their questions They're in seek of guidance And they write us emails too If I were your show at gmail.com And then Jake and I offer our advice And sometimes just us

And sometimes we have a really close acquaintance Wait, Eddie Murphy Wait, Eddie Murphy Do you guys take... There was a question There you had it You guys take mescaline too? In addition to me?

No, I got it Do you guys accept calls? Is that what you're going to ask? No, no, no It had something to do with advice But then I think I started spelling the word in my head And I lost track of it every time Sorry

Do you wear those headphones the whole time? I wear headphones Jake does not And then you can if you want I'm just making sure that nothing gets cut in and out And stuff like that Okay, you're the monitor, yeah Yeah, I'm like the monitor

Okay, I won't remember my question Well, let's get started with the question These are real emails from real people We're going to give them fake names Ideally, you're going to give them fake names To preserve their anonymity Can you give me a fake name of a lady? Talc

Huh? Talc Last name? Talc Talc Talc I love that Talc

Where's she from? Monrovia So not that far away, really No, just a little Just a little easy He's a town 80 miles east of Monrovia All right Hey guys

I'm Talc Talc, an 18-year-old In my first year at college There's this guy in our friend group Who told me he wants to sleep with me He's a dime and a smoke show A 10 out of 10 The only problem is I think he's a douchebag

His personality is so repulsive That it almost turns me off I really want to sleep with him But I'm having a hard time Getting over this personality factor Is it normal to not want to have A one-night stand or fuck buddy Because of someone's terrible personality

Oh wow Thanks for the help Love Talc Talc Monrovia For Monrovia What jumps out at you, George? Well, I don't know Can you be a dime if you're a dick?

That's a really nice That's a georgism already Can you be a dime if you're a... Oh, so you're saying At least reserve some of those points For a personality A couple points The most attractive you can be is an eight

And then the two is like personality points Yeah, you can be an eight physically But then the last two bonus points Open your mouth and say something How many times have you guys been In an environment where it's like A bar full of beautiful women And you're looking around and you're like

Yeah, that one's beautiful That one's beautiful I don't think that's ever happened But then you gotta go to Monrovia But you're not attracted to them Because they're so, like, unobtainably different No, no, not at all No, within my reach

But... You have the coolest life ever Because, like, we are... As you're explaining the scenario One, I've never been to a cool bar And two, Amir's attitude is But the problem is that they'll never like you We can't

And you're like, no, I'm hot enough to get them It's not that Yeah, no, I'm an eight With four on the back Oh, very nice No, but, like, you know what I'm saying Like, they do something, say something Or act a certain way where you're just like

Oh, my goodness, that sucks Your dick just shrivels to nothing My dick is born triveling Oh, it's a raisin Yeah At rest That's never happened to me I could fuck whoever

And then just, like, not anymore If I don't like their personality But, like, one time for body and stuff That's great Oh, so your default Your zero is one You're like, oh, that girl's awful She'll only fuck her once

And she's especially awful I feel like I'd want to fuck her a lot So it's inversely proportional The worse you are, the more you want to have sex with them Yeah Well, there's, like, some sort of threshold Where, like, if they're just pretty bad Then I would only want to fuck them once

If they're really bad, I'd want to fuck them all the time Yeah And then, but for you, there can be something with their personality So bad, you don't even begin to be interested Not even close, yeah Yeah, the physical stuff Like, everyone has physical flaws Even a dime, whatever this dude

Is considered, like, a dime Yeah There is a physical flaw somewhere His assholes cleft Or his toes are smashed Or, like, every book He has a cleft asshole and smashed toes By the way, as I look down, I see your smashed toes

And I'm 80% certain you have a cleft asshole Still a dime Baby From the waist up Cleft asshole There's no way to be, you know, that taken physically Maybe I'm wrong Maybe there is, like, a perfect human specimen

That I'm missing, but Everyone's going to have that one physical flaw So if there isn't something to back it up Man, like, say something witty One thing, one thing Say a witty thing Order a drink in a funny way Yeah, like, that's an old-fashioned way you say what

Old-fashioned, please That's good you say it in an old-fashioned way That's all you do It's simple, but dummies don't know that Dummy dimes don't know that So you're saying good personality is sort of sense of humor? Or that was just an example Yeah, no, that was, for me, personally

Oh, so you can't date someone that's not funny Yeah, or interesting or weird I think there's a high weird factor that I need Weird I like them weird Alright Can they be too weird? No

That's me I'm the too weird Yeah Have you ever been the more normal one in a relationship? No No, I haven't That's why I like them too weird Sounds like they're not too weird

Sounds like you're too weird Yeah, I'm like, I'm too alone I've never had anybody be weirder than me Yeah And I never will Rhyme's too easy I'm also emotionally unavailable I'm a wacky dude, I'll be alone forever

Alone in a bar in Monrovia, California So what was her specific... I'm waiting for someone named Talc to come Well, you let me know She said is his personality... Is it normal to not want to have a one night stand or fuck buddy? Yeah, but what about you guys? I think it's normal to not want to have a relationship with this guy

But if she's physically attracted to him Then maybe she... You might as well fuck him It's not like there's anything wrong with it They're both single They're both... He wants to fuck her She kind of wants to fuck him

So yeah, sure Yeah Or you could just make out with him and see if there's any sparks Then you don't have to fuck You just like... Oh yeah, you can go to second or third base You don't need to go zero to hundred real quick Yeah

Like she can touch... He can touch her breasts That's first or second base What do you mean first base? Of course that's second base What do you think... First base is what? So zero is...

Your first base without kissing is just... Yeah Breast touch First base is a joke I meant like... First base is like above the... Above the waist stuff What's second base then?

Second base is... This is insane Binging Alright, fine Then what's third? Oral sex Nope Yeah

That's its own league First base is kissing Second base is boob stuff Third base is below the pants stuff You have to specify if you go down on the person That's a new game Yeah Oh, that's like a...

That's like a ground rule double or something Or a triple Yeah But it's like... It's an inside the park home run But it's ruled a triple with an air A fielder's air That's perfect

That is perfect Yeah Because it is always an air when it happens Or it's like a berry bonds thing Where it's like a home run with an asterisk around Oh yeah, can we talk about that? I was using the cream and the clear I swear

Loated up He really was Have you seen his forehead? He's a crow magnate So the rest of this episode is about fantasy baseball Good, yeah Who do you have? Sammy Sosa

Crow magnate, number two Alright, I'll say... I'll agree with Jake Really? Well, I mean it is normal to not want to But you might as well go for it What's the worst that can happen? Yeah, I think I have like a physical block

Yeah, but that's fine too That makes your way as normal I think most dudes would just Fuck whoever, I mean I think I'm not special That I would fuck anybody I think that's like most guys And then there are like good guys who would say

I want to be attracted to the person Mentally and physically For me, I don't care I don't even need to be attracted to them physically Oh All they need to do is to be a girl And I'll want to fuck them Oh really?

Yeah, just to see what it's like So sex for you isn't an attraction thing It's just the equivalent of tossing a ball around Yeah No, because I have fun doing it Well, is it still fun if they're unattractive? Yes Sometimes it's more fun

Yeah Sometimes it's more fun Wait, now you're against me? Only for unattractives You like the unattractives? Yeah, yeah, yeah You're weird The weird one's too weird, too unattractive

There's nothing weirder than being ugly Have you ever been an attracted... Sorry, have you ever been attracted to an unattractive person? Yeah Totally You're just into that Other shit Yeah

Yeah, I mean, dude, laughing is the best Oh, so I guess who's to say who's attractive and not if you are attracted to her Then she is attractive Yeah So I've never been attracted to an unattractive person to myself By definition Because once you're attracted to her, she becomes attractive

She becomes attractive Now, let's discuss the semantics of love How would you... Oh, I'm getting a phone call Are you? Hello? Hello? Who's that person?

It's Jake's sister Get out of here What's she doing in there, just being an angel? Yeah, she's just washing the dishes, she went shopping And now she's here... What is she doing here? She lives here She's moving to Los Angeles

To here? To here? Especially lives right here in the cabin With you, her brother? No, I live downstairs on a couch Oh, yeah? Does she need a home or...? Yeah, she does need a home

That's just great Alright Next question She's 26 and single, and it would be my absolute honor If you would fuck her On the show My unattractive sister Come out, Brumilda

She's weird You like it too weird, old fashioned Just washing dishes is the sexiest thing anyone could do She's as normal as they come, George So back up No problem What are we talking about? The sports again? What were we talking about?

The semantics of love What are the semantics of it? The same as the logistics? Alright, let's talk about that It's all the same How many pieces of advice do you guys give on a typical podcast? We should get like three or four in Yeah?

Yeah, questions Three or four questions But who's to say how much advice with it? All your god is going out Because of that answer? You're holding a hostage? What you wanted more or less It's like you're hearing words for the first time

More or less What? Is that a question? Of course I agree with it It's two It's two questions I agree with all that

Alright, how do you... Oh, no Okay, sticky situation right here We need a guy's name Can I see your sunglasses? No These are really nice Are these vintage?

No, those are Left over from a relationship Really? So maybe they're vintage But she's gone So yeah, they're vintage To me To me

Because they represent a woe-begon era I wish I could... I wish I looked cooler in sunglasses Dude, those make you not look cool Those are bad on you It's tough to say that they're bad on you But they're bad on you You think so?

Yeah, I think you'd do better With rectangular glasses Yeah, the problem is my nose is crooked What'd you do to it? Actually, my sister Down since down there Broke my nose when we were kids So how's that normal?

With me? No Okay, a sister that can break her brother's nose Yeah, because I broke my sister's Did you? Yeah Really? Yeah

I got my ass beat, too Are you an older sister? Younger and I wanted a brother So you punched her in the face? Yeah Is that true? I wanted her to look more like my brother This is when you guys were in your 20s

Yeah She was pregnant I was angry I had a few drinks and I hit her Because you wanted a brother I wanted a brother Aren't they weird? I think no

Why aren't you drinking like I am? I think you're illegal, more than weird Oh, yeah Guy's name? Martin That's so normal Tell, tell, then Martin Martin writes

I'm a 20-year-old sophomore in college But I'm pretty sh... But I'm pretty... I'm a 20-year-old sophomore in college But I'm very shy My mother goes as far as to call me antisocial I don't have very many experiences In the lady department

I've never had a girlfriend In fact, I've only had my first kiss a month ago But that didn't end well Anyway, I go to my school's rec center And work out pretty much every day And I see this really cute girl Practically every time I go I just can't make myself try to talk

Or flirt to her in any way Do you guys have any advice On what to say specifically Or how to gather up the balls In a general to talk to a girl Or just girls in general? Thanks I think you're gonna be really good at this, Jake

I don't know I don't know I'm very... I don't have a lot of confidence What? I don't have that, like, go up You have that I have craziness

Isn't that confidence? If I see a girl every single day I would be so mortified I wouldn't be able to go up and be like Can I introduce myself? I'm Jake I see you all the time And, like, that's what you should say

Right, it's so easy But you won't do it I think this is what I personally would do I would... It's really simple You just start saying hey You see her all the time Smile, say hey

And then... Contact Like, if you see her every single day Just make that first hey And then two weeks later Graduate to How's it going? Oh

Just slowly Chip away I think that's what I would do Because I'm too... I mean, what George is going to say Is what he should do Which is You go up to her

You hit her in the face with a barbell Exactly Oh no Then you cut her throat Whoa I wish I had a brother Then you save her Yeah

Then you save her life How are you... You go up With approaching attractive ladies Horrible I won't do it Yeah, I make fun of them to their face And then I walk away

Your rejection But you make... You can make friends really easily Yeah So you could walk up to a stranger And by the end of the conversation They would think you were great Yes

But very seldom is that stranger A hot girl You need somebody else to break the ice Oh Yeah Is that true? Maybe So who are the type of people

That can walk up to anybody And say whatever I think those people are true assholes Yeah, those are the dying people I've got a lot of charm and charisma Dormant inside me And I need permission for it to come out You need personal like

Right, I need you to be like Hey, this is my friend so and so And then I go in And then I'm good I can't go in and be like I deserve to talk to you And I'm cool Here we go

Yeah I need someone else to say Impress me And then I can rise to the occasion I can't go up to someone Who doesn't seemingly want me to talk to them So not to get too therapy oriented But the first thing that Martin mentioned

In this question is his mom Oh Yeah, right Oh And he mentioned that his mom is like Kind of a fucking cunt No, she says that she doesn't Yeah

Not to get too therapy oriented with you But he didn't say anything Yeah, things are tough with my mom Yeah, she's been a cunt to you She sounds like your mom's being a cunt She's gonna have a face punch it She just said that she's anti-social Yeah, so fuck her

And all moms Yeah, fuck all moms That's a shitty thing to say to your son Because if he is Well, then you're partly responsible for that If you had any responsibility Like if you took any And for those of you guys out there saying

George doesn't have any right to comment like this He's a mother I am my mom Yeah I am my mom George has a daughter This is a real fact Yeah, you're a parent

So you know Like this is, we're talking about actually raising kids Absolutely You have to give them all the tools That they need to build that self-confidence And stuff like that Oh Not necessarily

Like not specifically for stuff like Going up to a girl Because that You're gonna have a hurdles with that No matter what But the foundation of confidence Is gonna come from your parents It's the only place it can come from

Kinda Yeah, they're the ones that are Even if it comes from other people Other relatives Or other friends Family Family group That family member

Your most immediate family member Is the one that's like Introducing you to that Right In those situations You guys have both met Lula Yeah Your daughter's awesome

She's great, right She's got the confidence She is confident And she's confident around people that She may have only met a few times Because she's developed that She's like friendly with other kids Right

But what about kids that are introverted Are they wrong? No I think introversion Like if I was a shy kid Is that the same as being the opposite of confident Or can I be confident and shy? I think introversion's fine

I think being shy is cool So long as when someone does try to Encounter or activate you Socially that you can do it Right If you're crippled by interaction Even shy people can be confident I don't want to talk to people

But if somebody talks to me Then I can be articulate And charming in my own way So you always have to just be confident Like you know what I'm an introvert and that's okay I'm shy and that's fine I'm introverted

Even though you guys think that I'm like A crazy fuck face that like rolls around I do fuck with that You do seem like you're confident Like you're always a little bit tipsy Yeah, I'm always a little messed up But there are parties or events Or whatever where I'm standing there

And it's like I'm gonna stand right here My feet aren't gonna move And I will not look at anybody And I will stare down And everything just goes gray And I smoke a ton of cigarettes And I drink a lot

Until it's just like Well, now I gotta go I'm gonna be on the lookout for that Yeah, you should see that guy We should go out tonight What are you doing after the table reading? I wanna go out with George I wanna go out with Sad George

I can show you that You mean gorge? Gorge Sword Here comes sword What would you say to Martin? Well actually, your sister just said This is very apropos

I think we could say this But she was hit on on a run And this is sort of the same thing Like if I see a cute girl on a run I never know what to say after I tackle her I'm kidding, I'm kidding Thank you so much This is a citizen's arrest

And she's like Yeah, he just came up to me to start talking I'm like, what did he say? What can you say? How did he do it? And she said Do you remember what he said? Yeah, well she said something

Oh, I remember the exact thing that he said But first of all, they crossed path on this run Three times I know it was the first day that he saw her But like I don't think she would be into some dude who like As he was running, just stopped her and was like Well this guy's seen this girl at the gym multiple times

Right, so he said Is it weird if I introduce myself? I think that's perfect Because it's self-aware Yeah But it's also confident Yeah, is it weird? And of course it's not

Nobody should be like Yeah, it's a little weird Don't do it Well, it helps that you're a handsome dude Right But is he a handsome dude? He's at least jacked if this dude goes to the gym every day Really?

You're talking about Mark? I'm talking about Mark No, I'm talking about you Oh, is it my sister? Yeah, she said he was handsome I don't know I'm gonna kick his ass after that Nobody can have her

I'm gonna be a protective brother into my 50s and 60s To the point where you're just beating up her loving husband This is my brother-in-law They've had three kids Tell me they're fucking adopted, man Tell me they're fucking adopted One more kid comes out of my sister's ear I'll know

You're done, dude I'll know I'll know you booned I've booned How many times have you freaking booned, dude? On your honey booned Did you have sex with Rhett Boone Or Aaron Boone, dude?

I swear Walk off home or bottom of the 11th You got to be shitting me with that, dude It would be an honor of boon boon my boon boon That's what you call your sister, right? Boon boon Boon boon I locked you in my room

So that's my advice Is to say that line exactly I like that line a lot Is it weird if I introduce myself? Is it weird if I introduce myself? I think that's perfect I wonder if this guy's so cool He came up with that on the spot

Or if he's been using that line Because that's my line now I came up with it, I think Yeah, I also developed that line I'm very proud of it We all have that line now Let's just say it like going up to people And asking if they're married

Are you married? Is it weird if I ask you if you're married? You're married, right? All the good ones are No, I'm not Is it weird if I think you're married? Hey, are you also married? Is this weird?

We're going to get a ring Do you want to know my name? That's a good line, too You walk up to a girl Do you want to know my name? That's pretty funny Can I give you something? My name

Can you just watch my name? What if you go up to a bar And you just say to the girl Will you buy me a drink? Will you buy me a drink? That's funny But it's also kind of like the game To walk up to a girl

And demand a drink Stupid glasses You look like kind of like A chubby Paris Hilton Buy me a drink Back in the compliment I love it It's the game, dude

You got to insult her In a hot way I'm peacocking by wearing a A peacock A pocket watch A pocket watch and a boa And then you neg You re-neg on a promise

That way it shows that You don't give a shit about her What's another good example Of a thing to say To a girl in public? Is there something as good As is it weird If I introduce myself?

That's self-deprecating So like if there's a girl Who wants confidence Like somebody You might just want to Go up and say Hey, I'm Jaste Right

Hey, I'm a beast Hey, I'm beast Oh, like that's your name You can totally do that Your hair is so long You do look like a lion I am beast Give me an old fresher

It's just like the end of Terminator Where you're turning into Like seven characters In molten lava A beast I'm impressed with my range Right off the bat Yeah, dude

I'm an actor Not a comedian I don't laugh Dude When you're on TV Yeah If you're on TV Like you are

You don't fucking need to say shit, bro You don't even have to talk to her Hi, I'm on MTV's pranked Motherfucker That was my show, not yours Oh, you are? Yeah, yeah, yeah That was pranked

Shit Is that still on? No No, no, no, no Yeah, it's over Five seasons That's on True TV That's on True TV

Five seasons of True TV I think it was five You really did it? You really doing that? I hosted a prank show with Streeter Do you know Streeter? Yeah And Lustic

And Lustic Oh, that was a different one That was a different prank show He was up punked He was up punked He's a punk, dude That's what I'm saying Lustic if you're listening

Yeah And I know you are Get up He's not This is one of the most popular radio shows Yeah For actor comedians Come by right now, this is a live radio

Somebody once asked me Yeah, I guess they won't listen Maybe they'll listen Let's take a break And I'll tell you guys what this person said During the break And then we'll come back with more George Basil Ah

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Just use that offer code If I were you to save 10% Off that first purchase Thank you, Squarespace And we're back Yeah, no kidding Alright Not a swear in the world

You were on the phone with the doctor And I just yelled And we're back And you're hanging up on him It's about to give you results How are you doing in general? Good My hair's long

Yeah, hair's long No beard No beard My daughter had a jogathon today At her art school So I went to that Nice And I gave them money

I live like I'm rich But you're not Nope So you just cut checks Just like cut and check Throwing dollars It doesn't matter I gave them $100 of cash

Today In cash In cash The crazy thing about Georgia I think is that You have a very adult life You own a house But I'm a child

Several cars Yes You have a daughter A classic car I mean let's Yeah You live a fine Wow

You have fatherly life But I also think that You're basically the same as us Oh, worse Worse Way worse Can you guys handle the quiet? Because I can't

I can't handle the quiet Or the dark Or the lone Or the loud Or the quiet is bad Loud is worse Darkness is awful Brightness is actually

10 times worse than that Having a hard time with this earth But I do have three cars Proud of each one of them And a daughter I'm sort of proud of her She's alright She's fine

She's one of the cars I mean I like the Toyota I do like that Fucking pickup I think overall well Everything's busy Things are cool Busy in our business is like

Never stable Or Promised He shot a pilot of a TV show I did, yeah In our business we get busy For like three weeks Or a month

And then we wait For a long time And we're scared And then they say You're gonna be busy for several years Or never mind Back to the drawing board There's nothing in between

You're gonna see you again Like all these relationships Like you like the writers You like the director Yeah well They don't buy forever They're on to the next one And you are on to nothing

It's true You have to get so many miracles done Just to get it Yeah Like auditioning is hard And then getting the part is even harder And then you have to be on the pilot And then that has to go

And then that has to do well Plus after you're on the pilot Even if the pilot goes They'll focus test And everyone's like This pilot's really funny We don't like George They're like

Alright His character's gone Yeah You hear about that It's like Oh this show went But the lead was changed At the last second

After a table read Oh that's devastating Geez She didn't read it well At the table And now she's unemployed Instead we have her now She has a job

And will be rich from the show If she's lucky And then you Don't succeed You just read a blog About everyone that did In exactly their place Like you didn't get the part

But look at everyone Congratulating this person He got it And now he's rich and famous And you are not Yeah But the cool thing is that He's still miserable

Oh Right everyone's still sad Yeah everybody's still really sad Yeah nobody's actually happy No Cause we're always being judged What is happy Like you know when you like

Beer, IPA is Yeah They're really happy What are you the most happy When am I Yeah Let's get to the next question Okay

My most happy Fake name Taylor That was great I feel happy now Do you feel like you're happy And sad throughout the day Like or do you have good days

And bad days Yeah both Yeah there have been Solid ass days of just like Down down down down down down Down down down down Moment to moment You're laughing so much like

Yeah he's so cute I'm sad to cry I wanna kill myself And then some days are good And then some days I'm just like Some days I wish I wasn't even real Get lower get lower Yeah well you have to enjoy it all

Right You have to You have to Isn't that what therapy is about Getting yourself to enjoy it more Yeah therapy is a load of shit But it's fun You should do it

If you do not Should do therapy Yeah maybe I don't know if I get it covered in my New non health insurance life Yeah Obama Just call

He'll actually bury Yeah He'll take calls Mr. Obama I'll do Kaiser Permanente Sir Alright let me just check you out Mr. Obama I'll take one Kaiser

Mr. Obama is a good way to insult the president Yeah Wow Mr. Obama hi Hey Well I guess Barack how you do

Folks Did you answer when you're happiest No I don't think I did Is there a specific thing Yeah It's probably doing something with The little one

Little home girl For the first time that is Complete Like we went to a museum Which we've done a million times And even this one specifically I think you and I Did we go to that

Natural History Museum I was with you Yeah so We went Maybe a month ago And she's been fascinated With Pompey Your daughter

Yeah Your daughter Yeah This is only mine I didn't take anybody else's daughter We didn't assume that No but I will It'll happen

Any girls They She's fascinated by Vesuvius and Pompey And shit which is crazy Because she's six It's so cool to be like God you must just like

Pump your fist But yes My daughter's into something Yeah just like Nerd it out Volcano She likes that I didn't do it

I tried to get her into shit And she's just like Yeah cool soccer But this she like Took to herself But this Like I think we watched A couple of videos

Cause she was into mummies For a while Like a long time And she just kept wanting To watch like Mummy documentaries And be like Weirded out by it

And And then this Pompey story I didn't even really Elaborate too much I didn't sell it I was just like Yeah it was this thing

And it killed everybody In this village And they were all preserved Because of the ash And because of all the other stuff And they actually couldn't even see Where the city was Cause it was completely covered

And all this other shit That I guess To a kid's brain Was just like What And so we went to An exhibit At the space museum

What the fuck is that The aeronautics or something It's not the one That we went to On exposition Yeah it's right next to the Natural history Science center or some shit

Yeah they're all like All in that same complex Yeah And that was cool That shit Like seeing her Or it was cool for you She wasn't even there

No she didn't come It was just me And I was taking videos of myself And I was like This is cool Sending them to your daughters Like can you come pick me up at school Sorry I'm in an IMAX

Does she have a 4D text to you? No not yet So how do you get in touch with You call the house How do you get in touch with the kid? Yeah They're always just wherever you left them They literally can't go fucking anywhere

On their own Wait wait wait finish your story What am I allowed to curse on this? Great Let's start from the top What was so cool and what was so great Just watching her Watching the experience of

That sort of fascinated Learning in a way that I don't know if that happens in school I don't remember it happening that much in school My family never really did any kind of shit Like we never went camping and stuff And so everything that I try to do with her Is a brand new thing for me too

Oh that's cool So you're like a child with her Kind of And you're like actively giving her A much different childhood than you have 180 Wow On the complete other side of the spectrum

I remember learning that like Abusive parents Or create abusive parents When I learned that I'm like Shouldn't it be the opposite Like if you're abused as a kid Shouldn't you then be really nice to your kids Because you know how bad it is

Yeah But to speak As an abusive parent You're actually testing that theory out Yeah Let's see what happens in 20 years It's You see

Well that goes hand in hand with the whole From my experience It goes hand in hand with You grow up to be your dad You grow up to be your mom Like you become them as a parent And that is That has that abusive nut in it

Because Shit that I had to go through when You know somebody would yell Or slap you upside the head Or like hit you with glass And then you know Grind it into your gum

Your cleft ass I'm weird Cretch your cleft ass Stomp your toes But then you don't want to do that to your daughter No but you do Oh you do Yeah you don't want to

You don't want to But it's gonna happen I'm sort of Out of my control We got him We got him on tape admitting it But you do You do

Because that's what's learned That's the grain That's all you know Your grain yeah But then you'll put your own spin on the grain That's the The attempt at like Doing completely different

Shit because we know people You guys might be one that Whose parents actively tried To get you into other things Like yeah let's go to the museum Yeah let's go camping Yeah let's go Right

To a beach together And just surf and like Hang out like we're buddies and shit And smoke weed together And just like Would you smoke weed with your daughter Stope you're hot This is him trying to convince me with the smoke

Come on you little pussy Take a drag You think Pompey is cool now Imagine if you're high Like I'm just thinking about this ash It's coming down out of the Holy Would you get high with your child

Yeah I will But what age do you think that's appropriate One or two Oh no Oh no Oh no Blow the smoke right in your face Yeah one or two

Just once or twice Of course And then at two or three Two or three Oh and then what happens at four or five Lula's fifth birthday was a build your own Bong party Oh yeah you're a build a bong

In Monobia Yeah I will definitely do it with you I don't think so I was born Because I'm in the opposite I was born into a family like drugs are bad Just as a blanket

I've never heard of that And then like I didn't get high Or do Or drink even And throughout high school And then when I got to college I'm like oh I guess I'm a little More independent

I could try this stuff Did they never They never like set you up With the expectation of like Look this is going to come up You might No You might want to

There's all under there I had some friends that their parents were like You kids got to fail for yourself And learn And my parents were like You're not going to fail Trust us Don't go there

Don't go there Hitting me in like Being bumpers in a bowling alley It's like oh at least I didn't Get a gutter ball But I don't even know what that's like Yeah My parents were constantly like

Shielding me from everything bad Yeah Well that's That's one way to do it Smoking weed isn't necessarily bad That's true That's a strike in another lane That's what I was going to say

Yeah Nice dude Nice bro Let me get that But like I guess That will lead me to a path Where I don't want to get high With my children

Right Because of the same mistakes that your Parents made Exactly That's the abuse That's the nut Can you imagine getting high with your Parents

No Because my dad is a murderer And my mother's an immigrant And my mother's an astronaut And my mother's on space She's already high Yeah I could It would be

Ridiculous Because it would be like Me coming in as a professional I don't know It seems like if you get high with your kids Those kids are going to do harder drugs one day Like they never just do pot If they smoke pot with their parents

Yeah no The gateway drug is alcohol and aspirin Aspirin A leave and cherry popsicles Yeah Would you get high with your child I don't think You're only going to have one

Well I want to have as many as I can Yeah Zero It feels like I Wouldn't necessarily because I don't smoke a lot of weed now So I can't imagine like smoking It's not really part of my life experience

Where like I would want to But who else would you rather Introduce them to this psychotropic You want to be the first to tell them about weed Oh yeah I would definitely like I think I had when I was growing up My parents weren't like We're going to smoke with you

But I was made aware of it And when I got caught smoking it wasn't like It was like I came home late from curfew They weren't like You can't do this it's really bad You idiot Like don't do that

Don't break it into the house Don't let me find that in your pants That was That was what it was They were more cool with it I would probably be I or I hope I would be Slightly cooler than them

Just to be like Yeah smoking weed's not that bad You can do that Don't come home high To dinner when you're growing up I don't know exactly how I'd handle it But I probably would be like pretty lenient But not necessarily wanting to

Not introductory with them You wouldn't be the one that was I wouldn't be the one that like I'm not talking about giving them weed And sending them off to like sell it Right I also don't think I had a little warrior for you then

Didn't you also have friends Whose parents were like If you're going to drink I want you to do it at our house And those parents seem like weirdos Yeah like I want to see y'all drunk I'm 100% cool with my kids go

I want some I want to have friends Who are those parents So I can like send my kid To a safe place to drink But I definitely don't want to be the parent That's like alright I got beer for everyone

As long as everyone stays in my basement Ma'am there's 31 drunk teenagers I know but they're in my basement Well not all of them Some of them got out Yeah One of them died How did they now

Okay well that was part of the plan We found a couple in a root cell Or that it looks like you tied up Alright Give me one minute I just got a hop in my car You guys know about Pompey A lot of cops

Smoke a little of this Wacky tobacco and relax Well what if your daughter learns That she goes to school And at age 12 she's like They taught me that drugs are bad And marijuana is bad Are you gonna be like set her straight

Like are you gonna go above the school Fuck yeah Fuck school man Fuck cops, fuck school That's what I'm saying dude Fuck the police, fuck school Yeah fuck outdoors Suns, sunshine

Fuck windows Yeah it'd be funny like Send them to school and be like Just pay attention in math Everything else Like I don't know the math part So you can learn that there But like the social issues team

Like I know all about that other shit Bring the math home Leave everything else there Math and science You got that kid Don't eat their food You never eat their food I'm dude I'll supersede any

Stupid ass like Public school Or private school Either school Any school dude Any school You're teaching that many kids That much information

Like that shit is bound to be False standardized and gross No not false but Generally Lowest common denominator Like hey little Ricky in the back Gotta understand it So now we're gonna dumb it down

To the little Lula That's not fair Fuck Ricky That's what I'm saying Get that motherfucker out of school Well aren't there like super liberal schools That you'd be down with She's in one

Oh She's in a super liberal Charter school Tightrope walking school Columbus day It's called murderers day Shit like that Yeah

It's called invader day Successful invasion day She goes around accusing other kids Of supporting this mass murderer And then in high school and stuff You're just gonna continue sending her To the liberal schools Yeah as a teenager

Going to like elementary school classes I want her to stay Keep it real Keep it basic You're gonna send your 15 year old to first grade Like Billy Madison Yeah Alright Lula you're gonna do

Every single grade in two weeks Motherfucker Your daughter's a social experiment She kind of is Remember when I was getting that I was trying to get a dog Trying to like foster a dog And they had to call

They emailed a mirror Or they had to call him to like Interview him to see if I was a normal dude And you were like oh yeah Get Jake a dog This is gonna be so fun That's like what it seems like to George To have a kid

George could have a kid Aw that's so funny Think about it She'll like What would he do wrong Did you ever lie to your kid just for fun No You could

Yeah yeah yeah No I could lie to her about all kinds of stuff You can just call names differently What about Santa Yeah I lie about Santa Oh you do lie about Santa Yeah

I mean those things Right that's like normal parent lies You're not like saying Let it live as long as When she comes The first time she comes to me I will never argue the case For Santa's existence

The first time she comes And she's just like Someone said Santa's not real They're like no shit Oh really You're seven Wow Happy birthday

You idiot Her birthday is Christmas I forgot This is you in a Santa suit I can take this off cool Thank God As soon as she finds out That's when she stops getting presents

Right Yeah that's why it's like A little easier on dad I'm gonna believe in Santa Tell him 18 It is so sweet Like I'm always like Saying like

Oh my kids are gonna believe in that shit And then like I walked in on my niece Six years old Writing a letter to the tooth fairy I'm like oh Who am I to take that away But I did

I said You know the tooth fairy is not real How would that work logistically And she's like What do you mean Like do you believe in fairies in general She's like I don't know

I guess I have a story about it So you think that Every time you lose a tooth She gives you cash And then How does that work out really There wouldn't be like a fairy Of any other thing

Just for teeth Just a winged lady That likes teeth And she collects them Of all the boys Little boys and girls Can you imagine how creepy her palace would be The tooth palace

That is funny Just imagining the tooth fairy at home Just like at the end of the day Throwing a bag of loose baby teeth It's a living Actually it's not tooth fairy Because you pay for all the teeth Yeah but I'll get it back in the long run

This is investment This is enamel futures You can trade that You can trade it anywhere We're out of time I don't know what to tell you dude Come on There are no other letters from strangers

Let's do one rapid fire One last real quick rapid fire A quickie We'll just try to do it as quick as possible I gotta get out of here No dude I'll come back Okay right now

15 minutes Wanna go on a run You guys be here Rapid fire takes a while doesn't it Alright This is a funny question But we'll do it This is short

Give me your name Your sister staring at me Dude tell her to stop I thought it would relax Just tell her to fucking cool it It's weird to introduce myself From out here It's weird for my daughter to introduce me for me

Has Lule ever seen you hit on somebody? I've never hit on anybody How could she see something that's never happened How could she see something That would be the Santa Claus That would be the tooth fairy Yes She does not believe in that

Which does not exist Alright This is just a funny question But maybe we can answer it quickly Give me a guy's name Alex writes Hey bitches

I got more than a sticky situation on my hands What the fuck is this guy Sorry go ahead Actually my private school Is going to a tropical country next month Only a handful of kids and a couple teachers are going Most of the female teachers at my school Are hot as absolute heck

And fresh out of college And I love them for it Every guy going on the trip has a crush On a certain teacher who is also going I'm done with school shortly after We come home from this vacation All the guys at school Are constantly hitting on the teachers

The teachers are insanely flirtatious also So it's kind of hard not to hit on them Obviously we never try to make a move Also the student-teacher relationship At my school is ace We curse at each other And flirt with each other We're comfortable talking about any given subject

We're more like friends than students Given this knowledge What do you think I should do when I'm on this vacation Would it be really fucking stupid To try fucking my teacher I'm sure Jake will say yes But I really want y'all to imagine Being in my shoes for this one

If you were a horny senior in high school Going to a tropical country with a hot young teacher Would you really not try to fuck her If you do think I should make an attempt at this How should I go about doing this I want to do it in such a way that Even if I realize there's no chance in France At fucking her

It won't damage my relationship with her Also I don't want to get expelled or some shit Yours truly Alex I like Alex What kind of fucking porn school is he at The teachers are hot And we flirt and talk And all the guys are hot too

And then we go to Hawaii That's not a school This is how rich people actually live If you're rich and hot He is Laguna Beach All my teachers are 23 And I'm 19 We're all hot

My life is already paradise And then we're going to actually go to paradise She was a senior last year She's my teacher this year Shouldn't I Hair's long You're always trying to fuck them right There's no like

If I'm talking to a girl That I'm trying to fuck her There's no turning it on or off I'm going to be chill and then And then I'm going to try it Just always try and then maybe you will Or, hey, or Don't try

And then you will And then you definitely will So the less you try the more attractive you are Exactly, by a journal By a journal Just right on a journal on the beach That's maybe true But there are guys that are really good at trying

And acting like they're not trying I'm always trying but I'm good at hiding it That sounds like magic It's a tough thing to pull off But that's what I suggest here It's a tight rope walk to be sure So try to fuck the teachers But sort of be a little bit passive about it

Don't say, hey, come back to my room Because then it's going to be really weird But just try to float it out there Charming, stay up late You are directing another porn Yes We shouldn't be doing this porn This is it

Somebody bought that Jake talked about his favorite idea for a porn Website series Just sort of a style of porn Finally you have sex and then you kill them Jesus Christ That's a completely different genre But it would probably be just as lucrative

And we called it fuck me finally And then within 12 hours somebody Purchased fuck me finally dot com Get the fuck out It's actually pretty funny You guys can check it out here Let me load it for you George You guys didn't even have to do it

No, I just URL No, I got it Not found Hold on, I want to just turn it around To show it to you Oh my god Dude

That's amazing That's milk on your head What? God I wish We should come for milk Chummy mug Yeah, I don't know That's it, go for it, why not

That's yours, go for it Mine's like get a journal man Learn how to surf dude Read a fucking book You don't have sex with anybody you want Including no one It seems like there's no rules at this beach They're at Temptation Island

You told Lula she's not allowed to have a journal right For that very reason What kind of dad are you going to be with Boyfriends like 8 years from now I'm going to slap the shit out of them I'm a protective brother Right Get your hands off my love

Sister You're fucking my sister You piece of shit Who do I love I'm a protective brother I've always been that And so this falls hand in hand It's just like I mean I'm sure

Dude what time is she going to date At 3 o'clock, 4 o'clock I'll slap this shit out of anybody At any time of the day The worst part is the first boyfriend she has Will be the ugliest person alive A teenage boy Half-formed weirdos

And then they're going to bring one both What the hell does she You slapped him right But he knocked her down in a bouncy house one time And I gave him a look like I'll beat the shit out of your dad I'll beat the shit out of your dad I'll slap that full executive ass

This is like that show The Slap You're going to slap a kid And it's going to create an 8 part mini series About NBC starring you I'm serious people let's talk about it You're going to be the third man in that Yeah she's cool Anything you want to plug?

No I was never here You won't be turning around in these guys George Basil Thanks for coming on the show Thank you for having me For more questions If you want us to answer your questions

Go to If I Were You Show For every podcast episode Listen at IfIWereYouShow.com You'll always be back And so will we See you guys soon Oh shit the opening theme song And the closing theme song

The opening one was written by Mike Skrilloff And this last one was written by Sam So thanks Sam I want the best part about this podcast is No guess No guess No guess All right now

My girlfriend is a gosh damn smoke show In the club like J Whits and a Fidodo Calling Jake out on a Thursday Bless that sweet booty be going Clap clap clap You better seize the cheese Strap on your pair of me undies They'll give you advice

There's no need to say Please all right now when I say Swipe you say right Swipe When I say swipe You say right Swipe Say

Geez I don't know where I was going with that But it's IfIWereYouShow.com I said IfIWereYouShow.com IfIWereYouShow.com