If I Were You - 140: Australia

Episode Date: March 12, 2015

In this episode we discuss terrible girlfriends and our tour down under!This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com and Squarespace.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

You're Jake and Amir. I think I've got a problem. It's becoming pretty grande, but you, Ariana, know to solve them. My Monday Mondays, don't get real enough. I need the pinch of Amir to get my spirit up. If I were you, show emailing your problems out. If I were you, show they probably won't get answered out. If I were you, show chicken Amir's podcast starts now. I liked that. It was raw. It was real.

The energy was true. You'd be a good music executive. What else you got? So, we don't think it has the sound. There's a certain sound we're looking for, inexplicable, to be sure. You don't have it. I have it, actually. And it goes like this.

Music is just like you're about to cry. That's how that guy sang. Music is like you're about to cry and acting is like you're about to fart. I think those are the two things. You sort of like... If you could solve them. Doesn't it sound like I'm a little bit about to cry? Why else would you write a song or sing?

I'm lonely. I'm about to be. I'm on the precipice of losing my shit. I can only express it in a song. Here we go. That should be the chorus of a love song. A person crying, wailing. Love songs are sometimes happy. It's either sad or happy.

That's when you write a song. Sad song or happy song? Sad. Uh-oh. About to cry. But happy songs are sad, too. Happiness never lasts. The happy songs are the saddest ones because they're people

deluding themselves into thinking that something is good. Okay. See you at depression. Yeah. I think happy songs are sad. I think sad songs are true. People finding joy breaks my heart. Very often. That song is written by...

Oh, they said, at Su Young tweets and at Norm the Storm. I, Ariana, know that you're going to use this song. He does like the grande puns. Yeah. And he knew. He called it. And he got it. The babe called a shot.

That'd be funny if the babe called a shot and got like a triple. It's like still pretty good. I called it. You called a homerun. I called that I'd hit it. And I called it in that direction. He bounced off the fence just like I intended it. Now I'm going to call an intentional walk.

You know, actually an interesting Babe Ruth fact. He called several shots before he hit one. He ground it out to the pitcher. His last nine at bats every single time calling it for deep left. Yeah. And then the one time he did it. There's also no video of that. It's just a picture.

And he didn't. He actually only called his shot once. Right. I don't know. I definitely made my part up. So what is this? This is a fire. Are you the only red?

How did that rewind? Hey, this is a fire. Are you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us? I'm Amir and I'm Babe Ruth. Holy shit. We're coming to Australia for real this time. Don't believe me. I have.

I have dates. I have specific hard facts right now. You want me to pull them up? I'm fine. Should I have done that already? Sure. Of course. Of course we should have.

Here we go. One time. Ready? Yeah. As it loaded yet. Yeah. No. Of course not.

Are you scrolling or are you searching? Got it. Got it. Okay. Here it is. Drum roll. No. Of course.

Tuesday, the 9th of June at the Gov in Adelaide. Wednesday, the 10th of June at the Corner Hotel in Melbourne. Melbourne. Melbourne. Melbourne. Thursday, the 11th of June, Metro Theatre in Sydney. In Sydney. I hope there's just people that aren't understanding what these shows are.

Their credit cards are out, ready to buy tickets. Friday, June 13th at the Hi-Fi in Brisbane. Brisbane. Bryce Bain. Bryce Bain. Brisbane. Bain. And Sunday.

Bain got a bris. Really? Yeah. In Brisbane. The Dark Knight returns. Melbourne. Name's Sydney. Oh.

Cut this joke out. Sunday, the 14th of June at the Capital Theatre in Perth. Five cities. If you don't live close to any one of those cities in your soul in Australia, I don't know what to tell you. It's not going to happen. We came to five cities on all, like, all over the place. In a ginormous circle around the entire continent.

In a different hemisphere. There's a great chance we will never go back to Australia. Yeah. We'll be like, oh, maybe I'll go next time. We're flying 11,000 miles, people. Adelaide, Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, Perth. Links to tickets that are available on sale right now on our website, if I were you, show.com. That's correct.

Those are going to be fun. Yeah. Those are going to be epic. Epic. Oh, yeah. We should say that Streeter's also coming. Yes. He's going to be doing stand-up and then we're going to be doing a live podcast.

I love Streeter. Yeah. I think Streeter's my best favorite friend. I'll also be there. Who? I will also be there. And I'll perform with you, and then I'll get to hang out with Streeter. Yeah.

I'm already fantasizing about what we'll talk about and do. What can you, what you're going to talk about with Streeter? Yeah, like movies and shows that we've both seen, or maybe even things that we haven't. Like, hey, have you seen the Jinx? And Streeter will say no, and I'll be like, you should check it out. You fantasize about that. I daydream about it. And then what about performing doing a live podcast with me?

It'll be amazing to perform in front of our Australian fans. The company I have on stage is irrelevant. I'll imagine it's, I'll imagine your Streeter, and I'll imagine every person in the audience is Streeter in his underwear. Oh. That really puts me at ease. We're going to be hanging out in Melbourne before our tour in Sydney after. We should say that.

Yeah, if you want to chill with us. Yeah, so hit me up. So even if you live in the States, or if you live in Europe or whatever, come at least hang with us in Sydney. Oh, that's a big ask. Of course, that's a big ask. Yeah, it's big, but it'll be fun. That's a crossword.

If someone does it, forward me the plane ticket. I'll take you around with me. For you've earned it. I take that back, by the way. I definitely won't do that. Offer is citted. So please do check us out. We're coming to do, it's our live podcast, Five Dates in Australia.

We'll probably talk about it a lot more, but this is the official reveal. All right, should we get started? Yeah, what is the show? Well, people are in a sticky situation, and they write us emails, and they ask for our help, and here we offer it. Shall we get started? We shall get started. Bad.

Oh, come on. All right, we need a guy's name. Streeter. Nice. Hey guys, I've been going out with my girlfriend for four months now. Refreshman in college, and before me, she dated this guy in high school on and off for three years. They're friends now, but over winter break, when he was drunk, he told her he still had

feelings for her, and that she should dump me. She told him no, and that they would either be friends, or he had to stop speaking to her. So far, not a problem. But then, since then, she's been calling him kind of often, usually whenever she's upset. When I was drunk last week, I confessed how much it bothered me, and she said that I was being ridiculous, but she would tone it down. Then, today, the first day of spring break, he invited her to stay in his apartment for

a couple days so that she could, quote, get out of the house a little, and she asked me if she could go. Should I be concerned? I don't trust this guy, and I want to trust my girlfriend, but the whole thing just seems off. What should I do? Thanks, Streeter. I guess he's in one of his first relationships.

We've talked about it before. It's rare to give her too much slack. We usually talk about a guy being too jealous. Relax, she can talk to other guys. You just, when you're in your first relationship, you don't necessarily know the norms. You don't know the rules. I think sometimes it's dangerous to trust your instincts, because we're instinctually a little jealous.

Right. But your instincts, in this case, are very correct. I think this is an absurd ask. I think this is strange. It's uncouth. Is it grounds for termination? I personally, if I had a girlfriend and she asked me if she could go stay with her ex-boyfriend. Just to get away.

I would say, of course you can. Sure, go and you can do whatever you want, because we are no longer together. Yeah, of course. Of course. You can literally, you're a free agent now. You can stay there. You didn't even have to come back, because I might not be here. That's permission.

She doesn't have to. She can do it. But what are the consequences that you are offering? Like, okay, yeah, of course you can do that. And one of the things that I'll do, if you do that, is that I won't be with you anymore. Yeah, you can't disallow things, but you can just say, quite frankly, if you do that, I don't want to be here on the other end. Right.

You can make your rules. Yeah. So if she sleeps over her ex's house. That's a no-no. That's a, yeah. That's a three-striker. Right. Yeah.

And also, like, I don't trust this guy. Of course you don't trust, like, I wouldn't trust a girl at this point. She calls him when she's upset. Yeah, that's not okay. You don't have to sleep over his house. An ex-boyfriend confidant? Yeah. I just can't talk to you about it.

How about you talk to me when you're upset and you sleep over my place if you need to get out of your house? No, I really trust Harvin. Hmm. He does have a sick name. What? Because should he say that she can do it as long as she puts her ass into it? You could do it, put your ass into it.

What do you mean? I could do it. No, she says you could do it, put your back into it. I could do a put your ass into it. Yeah. That's cool. Anyway, we're breaking up. All right.

Sure. LL Cool J felt like he couldn't really do it unless she put her ass into it. And I wholeheartedly agree. It's a beautiful song. Sex is sort of like a mutual, it's a, you need both people's energy working towards one goal of a simultaneous orgasm. I think that's what LL is saying. Oh.

It's like, yeah, I'm not just going to like pound it. Like if you're not into it, like you got to be like grinding it up on me. And she's like, well, I'm going to grind it up on you, but you got to like go at it. And he's like, I'm going to do that for us. Oh, I see. It's really romantic. Yeah. Like you can't just lay there.

Yeah. And neither can the lady. I guess you could. Well, yeah, you could, but then it's not a very enjoyable experience. And I think that's what LL is really getting at. Oh, and it's about the duopoly of man. We're really bad music execs. Is this song about the duopoly?

I guess it's mostly about grinding against my dick. Sure. Um, so break up. Break up. Not. Hey, I don't, I don't approve. I think, I don't know. I'm also, I'm a little, this would rub me so the wrong way.

Yeah. If I had to say, if I had to say, I would want my girlfriend to, on her own accord, reject the offer of staying at her boyfriend Rex's house. Yeah. It seems like an empty gesture. Like I don't really feel comfortable. Do you mind if I do that? I'm like, I just, I mind that you even want to.

I mind that you think it's a good idea. All right. I won't do it then. Because I said that. Well, I just, I feel like you sort of, I'll have that hanging over me the whole time when I'm at his house. So the one reason that you don't want to sleep over your boyfriend is because I'll be upset. I think you've ruined that.

Not because you don't have feelings for him or think it's a good idea. I just want to get out. I just want to get out. I don't know. I called him when I was upset the other day and he's like, you want to just get out, get away. This is over. It's over.

She can't like another guy this much and you at the same time. Right. Let's keep with the theme of kind of bad girlfriends. It's rare because mostly guys are bad. So this is good. We need another name. Can I suggest crocodile Dundee? Sure.

I was going to suggest John, which is Streeter's middle name, but we're going to run out of names really quickly if we do that. No. Streeter. John. Mr. Seidel. Streedy bird.

Okay. So John. There you go. John. Right. Crocodile Dundee. No. He's Australian.

Got it. Right. That'd be nice too. We'll save for the next one. Hey guys. I'm 23 now and my girlfriend and I dating for a year and a half had made plans to go out and have dinner right after I finished work, which was at 6.30 p.m. From the morning to the time I got off work, she said she was going to spend the day with

her grandmother and sister watching a movie and going shopping for a gift for me, then meet me just as I got off work. This was fine and all, but what came after was the real problem. As soon as I got off work, she calls me to tell me that her grandmother, her sister, and herself are getting a tattoo together. She then tells me to meet up with them, but I decline because I don't want to spend my time, my birthday time, at a tattoo shop. Plus, hanging out with her grandmother and sister isn't exactly the most fun thing to

do. She apologizes and says that she will be at home as soon as possible and that we can just watch a movie at home and spend the remainder of the night together. Even though I was still pissed about her completely abandoning our plans, I agreed to do that. I go home and hours go by and I still haven't heard from her at all. 7.30pm rolls around and it's been five hours from when she said she would be home soon. Tired from work and tired of waiting, I decide to give up and go to bed. Soon after that, she shows up drunk, which pushed me overboard.

If she would have said something, sorry, if she would have said she was going to pull this stunt, I could have spent time with my friends, but instead I was left to spend my birthday alone. Would you guys find this to be a major problem moving forward in the relationship? Of course there will be several more birthdays to celebrate, but to me it just felt like she didn't care one bit to follow through with our plans. Is this something worth breaking up over? Or is it honestly not that big of a deal?

Thanks. Love, John. Mmm, Johnny boy. What do you think? It's interesting because I like to pride myself on not caring. Like if a girlfriend didn't give me a gift, it wouldn't break my heart. Right. But then the next step is she wants to take me out for my birthday and instead she got

drunk with her grandmother and got tattoos. Yeah, I think the hard thing I'm grappling with is like a tattoo with your grandmas, but I think that I would really support that activity. Yeah. It's too bad that it happened on his birthday when she was like actively promising them they were going to hang out and... I mean, how cool can... Andrew's going to buy him a gift.

How cool can you be where you're like, oh, that doesn't bother me. That doesn't bother me. All right, that doesn't bother me. And now I've spent home alone while you got drunk with your grandmother getting a tattoo on your my birthday. Yeah. And on my dime. I think I would break up with that person.

They seem to be very, very uncaring. We need a breakup gong. They're just like, and survey says gong. Would we ever not ring the breakup gong? Well, I think for me, I feel like this is in between not caring and breaking up. Like you can just say, hey, that's not a good thing. I feel like I've given you a very lenient leash and you've taken advantage of it. Right.

And now I hate to say that you have to spend time with me, but it was bad that you didn't on my birthday and you let me high and dry and I fell asleep alone on my birthday because you got out with your grandmother. And then let's see if she's like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Or if she's like, I don't think that's a big deal. All you can ever do is tell the person how something made you feel. And then see what they do with the information. Yeah.

And then like based on her reaction, I guess that's when you decide to break up. So you say, I felt very abandoned and sad and hurt by what you did. Sure. And she either says, I'm so sorry, it'll never happen again. Or she says, you're, what are you talking about? I went out and got drunk with my grand-grand. Are you really going to be like this? I'll get you a gift later.

It's just a birthday. Also, if you've only been together for a year and a half, isn't this then your first birthday? There's a 50% chance it's the second. All right. I did the probability in my head while you were talking. Amazing. Yeah. Because there's a chance, you know, that within the first six months of the relationship,

the birthday was happening in that half year. Give or take a leap year. If it's a year and a half. So let's say the birthday is between January and the end of June. And they got together in January and now it's the end of June. So there's a 50% chance that the birthday happened in the first half of the year. And then this will be the second birthday. What if we just got, but we just got the email.

So this, this happened like a couple weeks ago. That doesn't change anything. Well, according to the email, they've been together for a year and a half. Right. So if it's indeed exactly 18 months, then there's a 50% chance that this is the second birthday. I literally, I still don't get it. And I'm not even close to understanding. So when's your birthday?

August 5th. Okay. So if you started dating someone January 1st, and now it's the end of June. You've only celebrated your birthday once. Right. And for birthdays, my birthday is January 18th. Oh, we would have celebrated it twice. And what's the difference between my birthday and yours in terms of celebrating it?

Is that mine occurred in the first half of the year? And what's the probability of my birthday happening in the first six months? I still don't get it. This just becomes a tutoring. I really don't get it. But here's my, so he's, didn't this birthday just happen? Yeah. So we can deduce when his birthday is.

So let's say his birthday, let's say this email came today and it's March 9th today. Okay. There's still a 50% chance that they were together. Okay. Oh, if it's a year and a half, oh, you're saying since the birthday is happening right now, then it's probably, then it would be the second time they celebrated the birthday. And it would be the second time? Yeah, it would have to be the second time.

That's a good call. So you, you're correct. Unless that's not what you meant. That is what I meant. Yeah, yeah. This has to be the second time. But I, all right. Well, that's halfway what it meant because I was saying, well, if it's this birthday

now and like, doesn't it have to mean that there was only one? But I, I, I stupidly got you to find a smart thing because something didn't sit right with me. Right. So that's good. If it's your birthday now and you've been doing it for 18 months, then this has to be your second birthday. All right.

I totally forget the point that I needed to make from that. But I think it was just that like, I guess it's like if it's a first, first birthday and she's, she's setting up a pretty bad precedent. Right. But if it's the second one, maybe she's just being like, oh, they're like less important. We, I mean a year and a half is a long time. You're like past the honeymoon. You know, it'd be funny.

Sorry, were you done? I just thought it was funny thing. You, the guy's stewing at home, right? Fucking watching the daily show, getting like really annoyed. The girl's not texting her back. Knock on the door. She's smart. Yeah.

She's like, you know, she's like, you know, she's like, you know, she's like, you know, she's in the daily show getting like really annoyed. The girl's not texting her back. Knock on the door. She's smashed. And he's like, oh my God, I'm so fucking frustrated. And then the girl's like, Graham, sister, check this out. Reveal tattoos.

Happy birthday, John. And he can't. He's stuck feeling like, oh my God, I was so mad. But wow, what a gesture. I feel like everything is good now. What do you, I'd be pretty, I just freaked the fuck out. Well, if she was at least late doing something really, really nice. That was her gift.

Yeah. So the grandma got happy. She got birthday and the sister got John oddly enough. What? Yeah. So he's like. Grandma got birthday? Yeah.

Because she's going to die soon. As soon as she's going to be happy, John. And John is anything but happy about what just happened. It's an ironic tat to be sure. So go for the honesty and say that didn't sit well with me and see how she reacts. And she's like, that's, that's, you're overreacting. Right. I got a drunken tattoo with my grandma.

Chill. So I couldn't you do that any day that wasn't my birthday? That is such a weird decision that you made. But at the same time, she doesn't want to let her grandmother down. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what I would do in that situation. She did invite him to the tattoo parlor.

Oh, holy shit. We're on, we're on team grandma now. No, I think, I think she fucked up. But I don't, I guess it's not grounds for immediate termination. Yeah. It's ground for an immediate discussion. Yeah. For sure.

And then based on the discussion, we can take things accordingly. Yeah. Follow up, please. Let us know. Need more information. Let us know what the tattoo says. Yeah. Also check our math on the 50% thing.

I'd love to get someone even smarter than me to figure it out. But I think we got to the bottom of it. Good. This is the second birthday together. I went into a coma. Guaranteed. Unless he was born on a leap year now. February 20.

Okay. I don't know. Oh, shit. Another girlfriend question. Great. This is the shitty girlfriend episode. Well, not necessarily shitty. So these first two girlfriends have been shitty.

We don't have to be diplomatic all the time. But this one, I don't know if this one is. Okay. But let's find out. Name? Mr. Sidel. Nice. I think that took us all by surprise.

So something went down the other day with my GF. We've been going out for nearly three months and things have been amazing. She's a perfect match for me and I've never been happier. Although because we don't see each other much out of uni, we haven't had the chance to be real with each other and connect on an emotional level, which is something I'm really looking forward to. Regardless, we get along great when we're together and text all the time. However, my problem is this.

We were studying and joking around the other day and I said that she reminded me of a combination of Alison Brie and Zoe Deschanel. This was just meant to be a bit of harmless fun and a very prestigious compliment from my point of view, but I think she took it the wrong way. She looked at me in a strange way and wasn't very talkative after. What did I do wrong? Do girls not like to be compared to other girls, especially celebrities? Has this ever happened to you guys?

How can I make it right? Thanks, Mr. Seidel. Yeah, this is it. She's not shitty. No. She's not? I mean, it sounds like there's just something, I don't know, something weird happened. But what if she's upset about it?

I think she's upset about that. That's not nice. You think that she's upset by the compliment? I think so. I feel like something else might be going on. Oh, but what if she's not? A lot of times, in my experience, when a girl gets upset and I think I know why. You're wrong.

Almost all the time. I don't know. I never get it. They work so differently. Right. It's like, do you really not know why I'm mad? I do. Yeah, it's like a cop saying, do you know why I pulled you over?

You don't want to admit some other... Yeah, if you're 25% sure. Oh, I'm speeding. Actually, your taillights out, but you were speeding too. Damn it. Fuck. Double the tickets. Why don't you tell me why you're mad at me, police officer?

Is it because I have lots of unpaid tickets and a DUI and I shouldn't be riding a car? You look like Robert Patrick. Well, let's just say this is true. This girl got mad because her boyfriend compared to other celebrities. I can commiserate with this to some extent. I don't know if this is a good thing, but I constantly see look-alikes that people will or will not agree with. Right.

I'm like, oh, that person looks a lot like this, or that person's a bizarre of this. I do that a lot. True or false? You do all the time. Yeah. Actors, regular people, whatever. When I see a girl, I'm like, oh, she looks like... She kind of looks like...

I always say like, oh, you kind of look like John F. Kennedy. And she does kind of look like John F. Kennedy. And sometimes I'm like, oh, this girl looks like Gwyneth Paltrow. And I don't mean she's as attractive as one or the other. Like, don't take the good thing as a compliment or the ugly thing as an insult. Right. And you just... You look...

You really do look like that person to me. You resemble... I think coming a girl, she looks like JFK would be pretty damn good. I know, but I'm not... What I'm trying to say is, you can be hot and look like someone ugly, and you can be ugly and look like someone hot. My brother's friend once said, everybody has a knick-nolty and a Gary Busey. There's an ugly version celebrity of me, and then there's an attractive celebrity of me.

That's really... That's a pretty point. And it doesn't mean that I'm ugly as the ugly celebrity or as hot as the attractive celebrity. Right. And that's... I've had this conversation with girls before. And they get upset. They're like, you told me I looked like...

Well, I mean, if you had a conversation with her, who did you tell her to look like JFK? That's just an example of like... But I think people look a lot like people. I don't know why. Is there a time in your life when somebody got upset with you for something? Yes, yes. I can't remember a specific time, but I'm always like, you know, you look like this person. And they take it the wrong way.

Yeah, they're like, oh, I don't think she's attractive. I'm like, I don't fucking care if she's attractive or not. I just think if I took my glasses off, you guys would resemble each other. And if they are attractive, then sometimes the other person will get mad about that. Like, oh, I don't think I look like Ginger from Gilligan's Island. I'm like, you should. She was kind of hot. Also, I'm not saying that you're hot.

I'm just saying that you look like her. This is like a kind of argument, or not even an argument, just like a weird little thing that you move right past, though. Like, I don't think this is a birthday or a talking to an ex thing. This is like, you look like Alison Brie meets Zoe Deschanel. Two attractive ladies. Oh, okay. Whatever.

Yeah. And then you don't want to be like, hey, what's up? Just be like, all right, said the wrong thing. And that's fine. Right. But is it fine? They're mad. Why are you mad at me?

They're not mad. You're just like, okay, that's, I don't want to talk about that. Is that bad? I feel like that you can do that. You could just be like, we're not going to talk about this. I, this is sort of also a tangent, but I am tired of people saying this relationship is perfect. Everything's great.

It's been three months and we don't know each other. And here's the first bad thing that happened. It's not good then. It's not great. It's just because something bad happened. It's not perfect. You also don't know her. You don't know her.

And it's so quick too. Three months. Like we've been together for three amazing weeks and nothing bad has happened so far, except for this pretty big blow up. Yeah. Like this picture is pitching a perfect game, but there was a recent home run. So it's not a perfect game. There's a little stumbling block.

It's what's a picture pitching a perfect game, but he hit seven batters and walked in five runs. It's a no hitter at least at the very least. We're down four. Yeah. It's not 27 up, 27 down. I assure you. And here's another thing.

Can you apologize for something you don't feel bad about? I think you can because you are sorry for the way something made somebody feel. Right. You're not, he wouldn't say like, I'm sorry. I realized that I shouldn't be drawing comparisons if you think that's fine. But you would say, I'm sorry that my comparison made you feel bad. That isn't my intended intent. What is it?

They say you never want to like put feeling on someone, but that's not putting a feeling. She's said that she's upset. So you would say, I'm sorry that what I did caused you to feel any way. And that's not what I wanted at all. Even though I don't think that was. But you wouldn't add that because that's unsaid. That's you kept that in your heart and you know that I never admitted fault. Right.

That's good. So you say in my heart, I'm not admitting fault, but you don't say that out loud. You say, I made you feel this way and it was wrong. Of course I meant, I meant to say something that made you smile. Yeah. Knowing that you don't like to be compared to people going forward. I won't do that. You're your own beautiful, amazing person.

And then if it helps, you can say the first part to yourself. So you mouth. As a little mantra. Yeah. I admit no fault. I admit no fault. I'm sorry with how you felt. I'm not saying that I'm wrong.

However. On your inhales, you said no fault. I'm really, really sorry about everything. And I shouldn't have made you feel inadequate. The girl's just staring at him wondering why. What did I do to be in this relationship? I think for me, I might not even ever bring it up again. There's such a major chance that she was like stressed out about her test that you guys

are studying for, that she had a long day, that like a million things are going on in her head and she doesn't even realize that she brushed off the compliment. But just that it didn't resonate with her. So she didn't smile or react like you thought she might. So the end. Is that so wrong? Chicks, dude. I swear.

I know. If one more chick gets mad at me, I'm going to be, I think, upset. You told Zoe Deschanel, she reminded you of Alison Brie. I told Alison Brie, she reminded me of Brie Cheese. And she got so upset. I once told the girl she looked like a sandwich with two olives on top. And they got mad at me. Why?

I don't know. Her face looked like a bologna sandwich with two olives. You said looked like JFK after he was assassinated. Oh God. And that was fucked. Yeah. Especially when she moved her head back into the left. All right.

Let's take a break. And then we'll be back with more of your requests. This is Vance and the Pinch coming at you. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist, is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area.

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Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you. Squarespace. Hello. Do you think Australia will be more like Canada or England? Canada or is like a weird jeopardy.

Do you think Australia will be more like Canada or England? What is England, Alex? Survey says French Canada. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Wrong. Damn it. We haven't really been to Canada. We've been to Toronto.

We've been to Toronto and Montreal. Montreal, but we didn't even do a show in Montreal. We've never done a podcast in Toronto or Montreal. Okay. But you've been there. They're just everything is similar, but a little bit different. Yeah, I guess that's, I sort of feel like Australia will feel more like Britain. Because people will have accents there.

Yes. That's cool. That's exciting. I think it'll be really fun. I've never been to Australia. I never thought I would get the opportunity to go to Australia. True. Nobody in my family has ever been to Australia.

Mine either. I mean, yeah, my brother did a year abroad there. And your dad is Australian. For sure. But to say that he was there would be a truth. So strike my comment from the record. Every city is going to be an insane party to me. Yeah.

It really will. You do realize we should focus just a little, a little bit on performing and making the shows. I want to, I want to black out in Perth and wake up in Adderall. Dude, I'm convinced. Yeah. If you guys are listening, we got these shows. We're also, we'll be looking for Molly, wee, cocaine, Adderall.

Absolutely not. Just so I can get fucked up after the show and I'll be drinking and stuff during. Right. You want to go on a five day bender. Yeah. In which, in the middle of which we'll be recording podcasts. I think I deserve it because I'm getting paid and I'm getting a free vacation and I'm getting to perform.

So I should also be allowed to get fucked up. Oh, fucking dare you. Okay. I think I'm going to early to bed every night. And the thing with Australia is everything's a little wacky so they're on a 22 hour day system over there. What? Did you know that?

Yeah. That's not true. Uh-huh. Really? No. Bullshit. Yeah, that's true. Liar.

22. Nope. I don't believe you. Yeah. Right. It's month right now. It's in LA. It's Monday, 4.43 PM.

Yeah. In Australia. It's next Thursday. February 33rd. And the year is 2013. Is that true? Amazing. Holy shit.

We're going to a parallel universe. Don't you get that? You actually do a Virgin or a Qantas airline through a wormhole to get to Australia. Oh my gosh. And you land upside down. Yeah. You land on the ceiling. Uh-huh.

And then you get out. And then you put another shrimp on the barbie. Shrimp on the barbie. You can't go. I won't. No. No. Like, there's a warrant out for your arrest.

You actually can't travel abroad. Uh-huh. And your passport has a giant hole through it. Yeah. Yeah. It's just a wormhole. Uh, all right. Should we get to the one last question?

One more. Uh, this one is about a dude, not about a potentially shitty girlfriend. Cool. Uh, can we get one last dude's name? I have a butt on. I'll pass it. It's Lil Wayne. Thanks.

Uh, what's that name I used to call Streeter? Streetmeat. Streetmeat is what everybody else call them. Striker. I used to call them Striker. Striker. Striker. Uh, I've been going through this weird stage in my life, right, Striker, where I just don't

trust anyone anymore. I've had a weird string of bad things happening to me lately, car crashes, getting into fist fights, getting arrested, breaking things, dodgy sales, and a whole lot more. The thing is, none of these things were my fault, but someone else's. And they all happened because I put my trust into someone I thought I could trust. Now recently, I've been going out to the clubs and drinking and shit, trying to, try shitting in a club toilet. Not fun at all.

Anyways, I really like the challenge of picking up women, so I'm always the first to down a few schooners, and go on the prowl, getting fucking mortal with a butte, Sheila, and then head back to whoop wool to finish the night. And I used to be really good at it, as well. Up until my most recent lapse of trust, you see, most of the time when I'm on my game, the night ends in her bed, or at least, a taxi blowjay. But now I'm so nervous, I think that if I accidentally get a crazy chick, then she might actually bite my dick off.

Which is insane of me, I know. Anyways, this is seriously throwing me off of my game. Not only do I want my cock still attached to my body, but I just want to trust people some more. I need your advice on how to get over my trust issues, or at the very least, make sure that I don't get picked up by an escaped crazy chick. Please, Jake and Amir, you're my only hope. By the way, I'm really looking forward to your Australian show, I'm gonna bring like

ten people. Hey, perfect. I hope it's in Perth. That's why I couldn't read a lot of these questions. Is everybody in Australia this insane? Yeah, it's funny, it's like, if I just read the last sentence, I really have trust issues. You wouldn't assume it's because he's been getting so many blowjobs, but now he doesn't trust the blowjobs because he's been getting into fights and he's afraid that a girl will

bite his dick off. Yeah, this is the funniest, like, this entire email could be, you know, tightened up to one line. Yeah. I'm afraid a girl's gonna bite my dick off when she blows me. Thoughts? That's so... I have the exact same fear, but really quick, I do...

Oh, you do? I mean, like, never to the point where it's like, she's... I'm not gonna do it. Right. It really crosses my mind, you know, like, it's a pretty vulnerable situation to be in. Yeah, she's right there. That's my manhood. Those are my boys.

Those are my boys down there, it's real close to her jumpers. She got the urge and she wanted some cock meat. She could take me for a ride. She could one fell swoop, that shit's off. Clean off, man. Yeah, oh yeah. Bennett. Oh yeah, she'll swallow it.

Uh-huh. Swallow your load. How about she swallows my chone, oh yeah. Oh yeah, she'll do that. Uh-huh. What is that? Who are you? I don't know.

No, yeah, I really think that all girls are gonna bite my dick clean off. Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, I know that'll happen. I got trust issues, mostly I don't trust a girl with my cock in her mouth. That's a no bueno, no go for me, huh? So I'll pass on the blow job, but who's to say that when we're not sleeping next to each other, she'll take a butter knife and try to cut my dick off? She really will try to cut my dick off. Oh, a true crazy person can get your penis off no matter where you are, all right?

You're like making out with a girl in the club all of a sudden, she's got a couple of friends holding your arms up against the wall. Holy shit. It's a, it's a, god damn dude, it's a, it's a, it's a public castration. Do you realize that? Imagine a velcroed sack of marbles to a wall, they're tugging away, how many pounds of pressure would it take to rip and clean off? Like some kind of perverted pinata game, where the prize is your blood, they're ripping it

open like a bag of peanuts. Also I take issue with him saying, none of it's been my fault. If you're getting into fights and breaking things, you have to take some responsibility here. Sounds like you might be a little bit destructive, a string of bad luck resulting only in other people's faults. I've been in this weird string of bad luck and people keep punching me in the head. Come on, buddy.

I can't quite tell why. Yeah. Like based on him saying other people have been bringing me bad luck and then you openly admit to mistreating women at clubs, some of it's deserved. This is a hot, a hashtag hot person problem. This guy's so good at getting laid, he gets a taxi blow jay, that's his, that's his consolation prize. That's him, that's him not scoring.

Yeah. That's his strikeout. The coolest thing that could happen. I think you just have to run the, run the risk assuming that most girls don't want to bite a penis off. That sounds like a pretty bad thing for somebody like, okay, I'm going to, I bet like also it's really hard to do that. Yeah.

Like you'd have to really, you'd almost have to like, it couldn't be your own jaw strength. You'd have to, I mean, you have like really like, or like fall and land and let the gravity just push your lower jaw into your top. I think you're like, if soon as she's, if somebody starts really trying to bite your dick off, just box their ears. Excuse? You know, it's just like, I'm like, no, stop and then like, and then box their ears. I think I'll self-defense course for only this guy.

Yeah. I don't know. I have my real answers that I wouldn't worry about it. I don't think people try to bite your penis off. Yeah. Just try to be like, have like a little tiny bit of character judgment with the people you're going home with. If they seem like, or even a slight risk for biting your penis off, don't.

I bet the vast majority of people you'll feel like won't bite it off. Yeah. Or like what I tell, like to tell myself in terms, in when things are long shots, like how many blowjobs happen without the penis getting bit off? One in a million? Right. And it's like, you think you're, you think you're that big of a deal that the one in a million is going to happen to you?

Yeah. That's what I think about with like plane crashes. Yeah. Exactly. Another thing is like, this fear is completely insane for sure, but it might be kind of good because a fear he could really have is getting STDs. So your fear of your penis falling off is like sort of rooted in the reality of somebody could give you a genital herpes or chlamydia, and then your penis will hurt a lot and look

deformed. So it's good to have this irrational fear. Right. Because it sort of gives you a real fear. And yeah, try to know the people that are blowing you a little bit. This has been Jay Kerwitz. It's the end of a 40 minute speech. I should like take some kind of safe sex course.

Yeah. I won't. Let me be clear. I will not. I will not take a course, but at the end of the day, I should take a course. This has been Jay Kerwitz. Take my advice. Peace out.

All right. That's our time. Bonus Thursday episode is over. If you have your own questions, your own theme song submissions, we start and end every episode with a new original theme song written by our fans. That first one was written by Su Yong Zhang. And this last one was written by David Ho. And it's a Karen O cover.

Everything send it over to IfIReviewShow at gmail.com. We'll be back on Monday. Monday. Monday. Thanks for listening, guys. Bye. Oh, Jake and Amir, please help me. At their podcast show.

That's where I'll be tonight. Why don't you join? Let's solve our problems involving love and laughter.