If I Were You - 141: Chivalry (w/Ben Schwartz!)

Episode Date: March 16, 2015

Comedian/Actor/Friend Ben Schwartz joins us to discuss courtship and comedy.This episode is brought to you by RetailMeNot.com, TrunkClub.com, and MeUndies.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

In the middle, she wants to be in the middle She wants to be in the middle of us Come take your picture with us both Where you stand, nobody knows She'd get a mirror if I were you With Tommy Needs, that's what's in crew She wants to be in the middle She wants to be in the middle of us That's you That was amazing You sang the chorus That was unbelievable

Who is responsible for that? Thomas Middleditch No, who made it? That would be amazing Thomas spent 12 hours on a punk remix of your song, Alex Sexton Alex Sexton, that was amazing I'm just reading this email, it works as my sister-in-law He works with your sister-in-law?

Yeah Is that why you got the red stripe? Your sister works with red stripe? No, it's blog stripe.com What's stripe.com? It's an E, it's like a money transferring system So if you want it to set up an online store, you can just use stripe And then they can do the transaction

Unless they pay to advertise with this Unless they pay to advertise with this Did they pay to stripe pay? Yeah, they did Oh, okay, then finish up She wants to be in the middle Did you remember singing that song in an old episode? You mean when it was happening and I said, is that me?

Yeah I remember singing it, yeah I remember one time after a show Middleditch was like, everybody's singing that song to me, man I was like, oh, what song? He's like, are you kidding? I was like, no He's like, you know, she wants to be in the middle I was like, oh my god, it made me laugh so hard

Because for you, it's a small part of your life But if you come on, if you come and talk about it on the show I remember it, because then the second time we did it It stuck with me for a very long time And also people would come up and sing it I remember when Middleditch and I, we do a show called Middleditch and Schwartz What is that based on? It's based on Thomas Middleditch and Ben Schwartz

Oh, yeah And it's all made up so long from improv And then afterwards, you know, we'll take pictures with whoever needs it Whoever wants to take pictures Whoever needs it Whoever needs it the most Whoever really needs it the most Just one person

We look around the room and see who really needs a hug And any time after the Middleditch and Schwartz show I'll say at least one person, you know Like, oh, where do you want to stand? And she's like, I want to be in the middle And then you're like, that doesn't, I don't know That rings no bells No, the second time we sang that on this podcast it rang all the bells

Ben Schwartz, thanks for joining us Hey, thank you for having me Name? What? What's your name? He doesn't know your name What is his name? I don't even know him

Come on, Marty, what's his name? Oh, hey, come on, that's enough It's fun when we make fun of him For whatever reason, it's not good to me By the way, we have a guitar We have Jake and we have you and I And we didn't shoot We didn't do a beginning or end theme song

We'll do an end one Alright Thank God Jake has a great guitar and Amir is great at watching Jake Strum those strings You're better at guitar than I am And you're a better singer Me? I'm absolutely not better at guitar

How dare you try to downplay a good guitar You can play Blackbird So can you? You can play Backbird behind your back Bird Black Bird Yeah

Sing In In The He's dead Of Night Night

Yeah In The Dead Of Night Have you ever tried to sing one song's melody with the other songs?

Can you give me an example, please? Give me something to the tune of If she wants to be in the middle It's hard Okay What's a Oh She wants to be

In The Middle With You She wants to be Yeah That was good

Why is that the song that you chose? That was insane by the way You got it It's true I got What is it? I got my mind Said

On you I got my mind Said On you Couldn't think of any lyrics I don't know I couldn't know the lyrics So I just sing any old lyrics

But just sing words child I'm gonna sing them Oh And over and over and over And over and over and over To do it That's right To do it

To do it To do it To do it Right child Take it a mirror Um, this is If I Were You The only advice podcast on the internet Hosted by us

I'm Amir I'm Jake I'm Ben And together we're Antacid That's so A-N-T apostrophe No

Why did you say antacid? I can't for the life of me understand Why you did that I did I wonder if I'm allowed to talk about this I think I am Yesterday I did the first ever test show For the late, late show with James Corden

So I was a guest, the guest There's the two guests And they're Oh, when does this come out? Uh, sometime in March I can't talk Just in case he uses bits that he uses in the test show I don't want to call him out

Oh, gotcha But I guess I'll tell you guys the story later There was a moment in it Where someone asked me a question as a joke It was very funny where they go Like, I want to ask you a question In 1492, Mesopotamia And a very specific history question

It really made me laugh And then I answered it For two and a half minutes straight On this test show And committed so hard My hope is that If you don't know much about history You would think that everything I said was true

But it wasn't But I like committed so hard And took up way too much time Knowing it was a test show But it was so fun Was it 1492 or Mesopotamia? Because those two things seem like They're tens of thousands of years apart

They probably are Mesopotamia, I think, was a piece of it But I remember 1492 being in there also I wonder what happened You just said everything you've ever learned in history I went crazy 1492 in the war of 1812, of course In the Gilded Area

Jackie, what are your likes and dislikes? Like, what's your biggest dislike? What's your biggest dislike? When you meet someone if they do this Like, one of my friends hates when he's snap gum Like, what's yours? When I meet somebody? Not meet somebody

What's the thing that will be an immediate turn off? Guy or a girl for you? Personality trait I can tell when people don't listen Like, if they're looking at their phone That would be a huge turn off Just for anybody in general People who aren't thoughtful

That's pretty much it What about messiness? Messy? Well, not when I meet Are you messy? You're not messy, are you? No, I'm very clean But I wouldn't reject somebody as a friend If they're messy

But as a mate Oh, but he's a guy or a girl I see a guy or a girl like a friend Like, oh, God, this is so annoying to me I could handle a messy mate That's so funny, it's not like you're from Australia But my question is as follows You already asked me one question

Yeah, but I have a follow-up Is that fine? Is it two-parter? Of course Is there somebody in your life Don't name names, obviously Obviously, it's probably a mirror But that every time you hang out with them

You're like, why do I hang out with this guy? You'll kind of give him or her another chance And then you hang out You're like, oh, this is so annoying to me Why do I keep doing that? Like somebody that you shouldn't be hanging out with Because you don't like them Not like a bad person

This is like a loaded question This is just how you feel about both of us But they show up at your house with microphones And you have no real choice We are at my house Or my apartment, rather, right now And I'm doing my laundry So in approximately 25 minutes

You're going to hear a loud beep And that means my dryer is done And I can unload it And the real question is Will I go unload it while we're doing this podcast? Otherwise, the clothes will get wrinkly Y'all, thank you Give me another Weird Al song

I don't have enough dishes That's not a Weird Al song Yes, it is This song is just six words long It's Weird Al Wait, to the tune of Do I got my mind set on you? Yes, that's it

Are you kidding me? No, I didn't know that Oh, my God, one of my favorites What is that? How does it go? This song? Are you doing it better now? I'm not

This song is just six words long This song is just six words long Wait, let's go This song is just six Maybe this is not considered a word This song just couldn't think of any lyrics I did not know that I didn't write no lyrics

You knew it, you sang it I just knew the tune of the song I didn't know that you But just six words Oh, my God, yeah I wonder how many people are weird We talked about this before This song is just six words long

Yeah, someone sing it to Amir His email address is WeirdAl at gmail.org I'm going to read one question And see where it takes us Can I ask a question before we do that? Sure Do you guys think?

Oh, no, this is what happens How does it end with wireless internet? What do you mean? Isn't there always going to be a faster speed? When are we ever going to hit that faster speed? Terminal velocity Oh, wow, that's a good name for a movie Yeah, it's already a movie

What about The Rock? That's a wrestler Oh, that's a movie and a guy Yeah Alright, that's your question Alright, we need a fake guy's name Oh, can I ask a quick question Before you guys ask it?

No When you guys do backpacks Do you go two arms or one? Two Do you? Yeah, it's bad for your back to do one That's what I thought In high school, would you do two or one?

I was never that cool So I would probably still do two It was cool to do two When I was in high school Oh, not for me, it was one But I heard my back Did you ever use the buckle in between? Like some sort of

You had like an REI weekend pack With like the metal exoskeleton Yeah, I was like Basically, my yearbook photo is the poster for Wild With the Whisper Yeah, do you want it to be similar to a real person's name Or do you want it to be really crazy? I think I want it to be really crazy

Really crazy Alright, I'm going to start with a real person's name Carl Salabach S-A-L-A-B-A-T-C-H And Carl is spelled T-C-K-L-I-A-R-L-E-E T-C-K It's Carl Salabach No, it comes from Carl Salabach

Right Hey guys, so I recently met a girl on Tinder Can I ask you a quick question? Sure Wow, we almost got there When you play your acoustic guitar, Jakey Do you do steel strings or nylon? Steel strings

Now, why do I prefer nylon? Because it doesn't hurt my fingers? It doesn't hurt your fingers as much, yeah So I'm just a pussy No, well, I mean like you got, you know, there's also That has a wider neck Thank you buddy, thanks And then my other question is what's your go-to song?

You know like how when I pick up the guitar There's a song that I always play first What's the one that you pick up and play first? I don't think I ever play a song first But I always You're so pretentious I just, well, I always play the same two chords first C-D, C-G

G-C G-C Well, I said the right ones You didn't You said C-G, I said You said D And let's hit a commercial Sure

This episode is brought to you by No, alright Stamps.org Carl Salibach writes So I recently met this girl on Tinder And I've messaged her quite a while We seem like a perfect match I can't find any cons

I want to take her out on a date ASAP Not meeting this girl yet is killing me However, she's on spring break right now And visiting home Which is still local and near where I live But I am 21 years old And I feel like I'm past the phase of my life

Where I have to pick girls up from their parents' place Meet the dad and promise to have the lady back home by 10 I would much rather pick her up from her apartment Is it wrong for me not to want to go to her parents' house? Am I allowed to ask to pick her up at her apartment instead? Or should I say nothing and just wait until spring break is over And she goes back to school? I appreciate all the advice

Thanks, guys Alright, well, first of all You don't even know if she wants to go out with you Yeah, but what if she does? Well, things are going well I would say ask Ask what? Ask

I would say go By the way, you don't have to go inside and say hello to the parents and everything You could just honk? Well, I mean, you don't have to honk I think this is 2015 This is so neurotic You text This dude's inventing problems six steps away from where he is right now

By the way, maybe not Jackie But I'm sure Mia and I have gone through that in our heads many times Like figuring out Or just thinking like, oh, god, you know what? I probably shouldn't even do it Because in two years we're going to break up That is what happens It's like a disease

You just get further and further Yeah, spiraling I do that all the time And that's why I just honk Ask the girl out What I've learned is if you mesh, ask the girl out And by the way, maybe she's on spring break, by the way Maybe now's not the time to go out with her

Maybe you wait for her to get back But it'll still be like, you know, I can't wait to take you out I want to take you out It's like one step at a time I want to take you out Then she says, yes, there's a good chance She doesn't want you to meet her dad either I know that would be so weird

I agree Do you want to go out? Yeah, let's meet somewhere But first of all, good for you for asking the question Let's stop just shitting at this guy He didn't ask the question yet Oh, what do you mean? That's not the question?

No, to submit to jaconamere.org Good for you for writing the email to us There you go And that your instinct is correct That you should ask her out You are overthinking a little bit I can't imagine a world where Although 21 is so young

I can't imagine a world where she's like Well, come inside of me, my folks That would be such a big jump For me, at least, I'd be like Oh, that's like date number Well, here's a question What if you're like Alright, let's go on a date

She's like, great, can you come pick me up I'm staying at my parents' place On 155 Sunset Boulevard I don't know why you told everybody You're real address if you're going You just roll up and honk the horn Is that what you would do? Yeah, of course

No, I don't think you would do stuff I don't think you have to go and You could text that you're outside I would say like, I would text like On my way, I'll be there in 10 And then you get there and either she's You want to write here, outside You want to write here, outside

I don't think I would You would knock on the door Yeah First of all, that exact address on Sunset Is too much traffic You're not going to find parking You know that for a fact Well, definitely not between 4 and 5

4 and 7 p.m. Yeah, you can't make a left You're not allowed to park at a meter Spot at that point That's what I'm saying So am I, Antiquity, am I No, I guess it's the opposite Am I doing something wrong

If I pick up a girl I usually just text when I'm outside Unless I'm thinking I'm going to come inside beforehand You never bring the doorbell? I mean, I Do you get out of, so if you write here Do you at least get out of the car

I feel like that rush, I feel like that rush Yes, but I feel like that rushes The person Like ding ding ding, ding ding ding Ding ding ding, ding ding ding You know what I mean? I think as long as you come I'd rather someone text me than fucking

We're allowed to come, I'm sorry Text me then Knock on my, ring my doorbell 100% for me at least Cause I was like Cause then I respond, hey be there in a minute As opposed to their What happens if she's not ready

Which many times you know Everybody's busy maybe they aren't ready And then she's like has like put on jeans and quickly be like, oh, I'm so sorry I need like 10 more minutes as opposed to I'm so sorry to make you step out of your routine I've rarely even picked someone up that's I that seems like an old-school thing to me like It matters how far away I feel I usually meet someone there Matters where they live if they live close by to you And then you both you you pick them up and then you drive

I think maybe not the first one if that makes you feel a little bit if you don't know the girl at all Right, I feel like yeah, why not right? No, I don't know It's like you have to drive an hour and then a half an hour than an hour back It might be a bit much and she would be like, what are you doing? I was scolded for that. Remember what yeah? I went on a date with a girl and then I said for the second date We should go to this play and I was like all right. I'll meet you there and then she's like okay I was like all right, and then she's like actually is this a date or just a friendship meetup I was like, I guess a date. I don't know. What was the first one?

Whatever that one was. She's like I only asked because of the lack of the offer to pick me up Like usually people like decide to pick me up like when you say meet me there. It just seemed like very cold. I am My my shut up. I'm gonna shut up. Jake, you say something. Sure So Ben is dating somebody No, no, no, no, no, I think That I don't know everybody over things everything So you think the lady was overreacting to me This is what this is what the point I was trying to make I'm trying to think of a

Sophisticated way to say it because I understand both points of view, but there's that's there's this old idea of Being a man, so you open all the doors you you're going to front or additional courting correct court by the way Yes, but oh, it's it's true that almost the phrase courting makes more sense to me where it's like by the way I will always open the door first and stuff like that, but like When let's say I'm dropping her off sometimes I won't have the mindset to park my car get out of my side go to her side open up her door You know what I mean? Yeah, some do you do that? Well, that's like old-school shiver chivalry I don't think I do like a lot of old-school chivalry. I feel like what I would do is I play this is what I was gonna say

I think you'll be surprised at how often you have done it because it's maybe your instinct to do so with any girl that you've dated Do you stand up when your date leaves the table? By the way when I say hello to people for the first time I make sure my ass is not in the seat. Oh, that's good Definitely, but that's a thing like a lot of manners. I've never seen madman. Oh, really? That's when I started changing it. Here's what I would do wait I heard madman was like he cheats on a woman and beat somebody or yeah Manners with who he's cheating. Yeah, he'll like put his sweater down on a puddle so that man fuck someone who's not his wife Yeah

Raceway Park, I feel like what you do is Bantickled me. I think this is what you do You just are really really nice like I would open the door Yes, always be nice or a girl and I would open and I wouldn't necessarily jump out of my seat run around and Open a car door for a lady, but I would open my door get out and hug her in front of the car So that's why I'm saying like when you text here at the very least you're waiting on the hood of your car like James Dean When she comes outside that's not a bad idea smoking a cigarette flipping a coin and having a leather jacket I think it's almost not as taught to us as it was to the generations before us

It's not as prevalent. So it is something we have to search out almost to find yeah There's manners schools basically that teach you like oh, it's that's would you ever in a million years go to something called manners This is like you just be a little more Conscious to edit this together. I nailed conscientious the first try much You so you have to be a little considerate, but not like treating anybody like they're helpless. Oh great Point I by the way will always go out of my way to make sure that I'm trying to be nice I'm one of my favorite things in this city. Maybe I said this on the podcast before I think I've done this podcast for three three times four times. Yeah, there's your time, right?

No, once we once you're alone with a mirror, right once you're alone alone We never aired that episode. Oh god. It was so good. It was me singing weird house on Um, you didn't record it. There's this thing I forgot the press record button and I didn't have any mics and I was naked This is the thing that I thought was so funny when I came here at the beginning People be like cuz I was an intern a bunch of times in a page or never and then started You know as we all start to do more and more work. They're like like I'm always so kind to Waiter, you know, I sold sneakers for also kind of waiters and any anybody right anybody because that's what human beings do

But people around here would be like for like the mailroom person at some agency or some company They'd be like you should be nice You should be nice to him or her because that person may one day become president of Warner Brothers Right. I'm like, you know, you should just be nice them because you're a human being I always hated when people said that you go you should be nice that person because like that you're so you're thinking about it So wrong you might get cash literally He might pay you money in 30 years. Hello you a favor then I hated I hated that way and people still say it all the time

You never know that person, you know, don't shit on that person because that person bow So are you nice like we were talking earlier today Somebody asked us a question about you and we said that you're nicer to our crew than we are. Oh You should be less nice because you're just like a star This is when we film. Yeah, when we shoot Jake and Amir videos, you will that's you any time We should I say hello to every single person. Yeah, and then you guys are and then Amir goes Oh, I guess we're gonna have to do it literally out loud and tries to make a joke of it Then feels bad for a second and then Jake hates it. What are you talking about hates it?

I think it is trailer for this entire time. I think it's because first of all, I feel so lucky To be doing what I'm doing You have done so many of those shorts that maybe feels although it's kind of I've done many other things But you've done maybe 700 you said maybe done so much that it just feels like It's such a rhythm and routine you don't do it as much but for me It's like I've spent so much time with crews, you know for different things and I see how much harder they work than all of us So I'm always so appreciative and my assumption is if they're doing it for a web series The money is probably pretty low and you know to make their experience a little bit better by not being assholes

Well, that's what you that's what you tell them They're like how much do you get you're like how much do you get paid? Is it better that I'm being nice to you right now? I feel so bad No, put your hand on the sound guy's shoulder and be like I'm so sorry like is this Bank account. Yeah, I want to see how much money you have. Jake is trying to get a new credit card. I also think They're like us and the fact that three of us are still doing comedy because we're huge nerds about it Huge nerds about it. Those guys if you're doing web series just like we did you're probably so in love with it

They probably love doing sound or running boom or you know Or like when you find a cool DP for the first time off of a web shit like them doing like a short film somewhere You're like, oh my god. I just saw this guy do something awesome and I'll even say sometimes I'll recommend that person to other people sometimes or that's good Yeah, cuz some people would be like oh, we're looking for a DP But I was like I did this short film with this person he crushed it. I do you're very We sent you a cut of the video that we just did where you play all 15 of your characters Oh, yeah

And I'm like we've definitely sent lots of people and we've like received lots of cuts and you're the first thing You wrote back was to thank the editor. Yeah, like well that was by the way that short film was but first of all It's usually a mirror who edits every single one it said of this one for me that I've ever done right mostly me or Jake Yeah, I'm here and Jake sorry But it's mostly me. It's probably mostly me, right? Mm-hmm, okay I'm here. It's very nice But um that one if you guys saw we did for the finale we did this two-part thing and I played 14 characters

Primor 14 yourself too. It was like right fit I think it was like fit it think there were 14 or 15 bands, but you also did like 50 or 60 That was the we did not plan out But also we talked with the DP and I ready beforehand like I was like this might be the right way to shoot it We all decided the right way to shoot it so we can improvise and stuff like that, but um They came so prepared and they were so awesome everybody that worked on it But the editors had to take 15 versions of me and put them into one

It was something that I didn't even think was possible. Yeah, Phil Fox who Phil Fox. Yeah, yes And like you saw this I said the editing thing has like what they're eight tracks or something the normal what a normal editing Timeline so as you can tell him here does all the The timeline would have like I think between I mean our usual videos have four like four layers or layers to video to audio, right? and then You know more complicated one might have like five to eight sure one had like 30 right because it had to have like all of all of Ben's layers on top of each other because that's video and sound for each one Of the characters and there were six of them in one shot and then we were like tweet

We were making tiny little tweaks to this they were like oh Ben like can we have Ben come in here cut to this Reaction here, right? And it wasn't like you could just add in a little he had to move every single layer like one little thing Yeah, one domino knocked over the entire set and then he would reconstruct it. It's crazy. How good that editor was It was something that I've never seen before like in movies. I'll It happens, but for this where it's like one person. Yeah, it's insane. It was amazing Well, yeah, it helped that you guys never like touched each other. That's when it gets hard Well, that's all due to the DP and the camera guys, right? Because they the three of those people

Set up the whole thing had the whole vision of it beforehand. You regretted that day so much when we were doing it Well, I remember I pitched the idea remember I pitched the idea. I was like like we got it when Jake and we're told me They're wrapping it up. They're like would you do two more? I was like 100% I was like wouldn't it be funny if all those people were actually their own people and it wasn't faking it and they were all in The same room at the same time. I'm really yeah, let's do it and you're like, yeah, and then you showed up to set that day We rode it. Yeah, and then we showed to set that day. And by the way, it was fine It's just that I didn't think through that I'd have to do a big costume pants shirt everything costume change right every character And then it was different sizes in different places. So I'd do it three different times. I mean that was one of the worst

Costume change days ever for me. That was so annoying I remember like finishing lunch and I go upstairs and you're like in the milkman costume from the waist up in the Costume from the waist down Yeah, I was so tired When you're the mountain hiker that was one of your last costume changes It was top that was a and also the funniest part is the whole time Jake is deathly ill No, you were not and he was on the couch Wicked to just like diagnose people people who are sick you were you had bronchitis

I said, hey man, and you were like, oh, you're sick. What get away from me. What did you know? You're sick for the next month or something. Yeah, I know I had been sick that entire month I was on like the last four days of this. No, but then you kept you kept even getting sicker I think I was sick for another week or so. Yeah, but then I mean Jake was lying down on a couch doing his lines off camera So Jake and Amir never were on camera when they were filming me except for when I was playing myself So for the first seven hours of the day, they're both lying on couches and Jake would miss his line So like I would like be talking to Jake and I'd be as like a hundred characters at the same time Oh, I meant you're Amir's dating coach, but I just couldn't get that

Jake couldn't say the one line. I'm like, Jake, you know what? I need to laugh hilariously and then cough at all of us Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes That'd be so funny. Well, we do in between part one and part two. I'll go change. I'll deck the wash up smart Actually, let's take a break right now and we'll thank some more sponsors and then we'll be right back with Yeah, I know we'll have to pee. So let's do that. Okay. You just peed Can I say this online? Jake has a strong piss flow. Really? Oh, it sounded so strong That's a lot to me. I was down the hall and it was like it like made me rumble It echoed so much. Well, I filled up your bathtub and I peed in it

So it was deep water that it was hitting. I said you filled it up with your peep That's not that too. That's alright. Sorry. I thought Amir just helped you out. Yeah, okay So we'll talk to you guys after this commercial from monster.com This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that Difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist Especially one in your area

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What was the personal shit the personal shit you were telling us over the break start from the top sure Um, so I feel like everything in my life is going all right. Can I talk about some things? Yeah, yeah Uh, I got a question for jake. Sure Oh Jake didn't shut off his phone. I'm here Jake didn't shut off his phone. He's getting a phone call No, he's not you're gonna be pretty happy when I tell you who it is. Who is it? It's a two one two number Pick it up. Holy shit. Should I get it? This might be tbs pick it up. No, no, no, no, no, no, no pick it up It's not I'll pick it up

Get it Oh, I know you ended the call. No, I didn't they miss call means I didn't get it in time Do you have the balls to put that voicemail live on the air no matter what it is? Yeah, because we're gonna Uh, for sure. All right, wait two seconds I'll let you've been getting calls all day from road island numbers on no numbers. Why I don't know debt collectors Uh, oh shit. It could be a debt collector. Is that your truck? No, it's definitely not. Oh, I do have a voicemail. Here we go playing on there. Put it on speakerphone

All right, here we go I think this is illegal. Hey, jake, it's angie. I have josh and brian for you Whoa, whoa, whoa Who's that? Who are those people? Uh, it's our agent. Why don't you come back just in case something good? It's not something good If it was good news, we'd have the whole team on the phone. Yeah, that's true. Oh my god That's true. The funniest thing is I'll get real close to getting a role real close to getting like a major role right in something I don't know why I said major probably not Good role. I was going to be in the all-female ghost

Oh god, all I wanted to do is be in that movie and then, um Be really close and I'm getting calls about and emails about it And then you know, you got the role when you get a phone call from someone's assistant that's like, hey, we have this this this this this This person on the phone for you and I go yes And then it's like getting the thick envelope from college. Yeah, exactly right But then you know, you didn't get it when you get an email that says sorry, buddy You know, you didn't get it when they email you and say no, you didn't get it Literally no phone call. Well, you can go through this whole process and all you get is like, ah, they went a different way

Yeah, they're like, oh, what a bummer You don't even call me and the sad part is like when you have to call them You then it's like I might as well not call like they don't have good news, but I haven't heard anything I also, oh Sorry, we got it. I was gonna email you. You have the role That's never happened. I also hate when people email me call me when you get a chance I was like, what then just call me now. You just spent time. Well, I don't understand what power What's going on? I hate when people do that. Hey, call me when you get a second. Yeah

I was like, what you could have just stepped a minute about a text a text that says that I've gotten text that say call me It's so weird because well matters if I'm texting with them already You might as well just call someone and then they know I'm okay. Ben is leaving. This is insane Holy shit You said Ben's leaving and then he said no, I'm just getting something over there That's that's the definition of leaving. It was going somewhere else to get something over there. All right. Can I ask Ben a question? Sure It's contagious Oh, we're going to Australia. Let's mention that while Ben's away. He's carving a watermelon. Oh my god. That's incredible

He's making a jack-o-lantern June 9th June 9th through the 15th. We're going to be in Australia. Go to ifiriushow.com for tickets and details. Are you serious? Yeah, we're doing live podcasts in Australia. What? Where? Uh, Sydney, Melbourne, Adelaide, Brisbane, Perth, Brisbane, Brisbane, Melbourne, Brisbane, Brisbane. Yeah That's a mate. Brisbane is where Josh Lawson is from. We're from the house of lies. Oh, shit. Have you ever been in Australia? No, I can't wait to go. All I want to do is come with us in June Are you guys but would I lose money on all those flights? No, we'll pay you

I can't imagine you'd pay me. Oh, we'll pay. We'll pay for your flight I will Why do you guys going? June 8th or 9th Man, I do want to go to Australia. Was there a different trip I almost saw? I was in London working like a week before. Yeah Your rhythm is terrible. Yeah How are you a guitarist? I'm not I'm gonna sing for real. I want you to commit to this. Okay. Do not try to mess up. Uh-huh. Okay. Do you want me to keep rhythm?

Yes, that's all I want you to do. Okay. Okay, put your mic down so people can hear it tilt it down towards your lap Okay, so now you won't be able to hear Jake's thing Um, no, no, no, no. I'm just getting practice Already I'm getting practice. This is like the worst version whiplash Were you rushing or dragging both? I think not quite my tempo I know that sir. What song what song should we do? Um, how about this? This will be um There are chicks Just right for the picking. Oh, wow. Holy shit. Do it. Do it. Commit for real. Do it. Come in

You do it for real. Not like a dumb dumb. All right. All right. Do a little faster. Sorry. I feel like that was a little slow Okay, um, what's the fastest give me a name of a person that's a professional Uh Great, right Oh, when the saints go marching in Oh, when the saints go marching in I want to be Be in that number. You're a little bit off. You come very close when the saints go marching in

I'm here. Do you have rhythm? Uh, I think so, but I've never done the test before. Let's do the test. All right. I do it After one got it Ready what song what song do we do for him? um Something weezer oh, that's not fair. Why the world has turned and left me here I'll do my voice before you appear. That's right. And in my he did right Yeah, that sounds wrong to me. That means I have no rhythm Do you believe what I'm saying now

Do you believe what I'm saying now? How do you get rhythm? Someone asked me that before can I learn it? Can I learn it? But you could copy someone so just do just snap on beat No, but I want to like be able to feel it in my body snap on beat. Okay Do with a mirror Great now a mirror stop A little fast a little fast, but that's good Give me a meat bowl

Eat all day. All right Yeah, I don't drum but isn't it about like hitting like you do this every two and then this every four This is such a like nobody's gonna care about anything. I'm not even talking about like I feel like at the very least we should be interviewing We're not answering questions. We're not talking about we're talking about we're not even making jokes. We're not even being funny We're just talking about rhythm and how you get it. This is the weirdest Well, how about this is a question that might help for the podcast I've been asked this question more than once for interviews and let's see how you guys answer it

um This is the question they present. Are you born funny is funny something that you can learn how to do Oh, that's an interest. It's sort of like at least we're taking the rhythm question and applying it to our craft Correct. Yeah, but that's a real question. I was asked in interviews and the first time I was asked. I was like, wow, that's a great question Isn't it both? With that the the answer. I don't know if there's an exact answer. What do you think? I think the answer is our daily double It's probably both just like everything is inherent you can be smart, but then also like you have to gain knowledge But can you be funny? Can you learn to be if you find someone who's not funny?

Can you learn to be funny? I think you can definitely be successful and not really be funny but understand the craft Yeah, I think there are like people that aren't necessarily that funny that can write a really funny scene in a movie Like understand what jokes will work. That's interesting finding the rhythm and the cadence of how it worked the structure of whatever Right. I actually like I know Plenty of people like that who I don't necessarily find funny, but I know that they are good writers Are you gonna make this into two parts? I mean, we're already at the 45 minute mark. Uh, also the uh What was I gonna say? You can there's different comedies like how funny you are subjective

So somebody can be funny to some person and unfunny to another person So it's how do you even say like are you like can you can you be friendly or are you born friendly? I don't know. Some people think I'm friendly and some people don't that's interesting. That's interesting I think that you can learn to be friendly, right? Yeah, you can learn manners you can learn to be friendly and then the same way with funny if you watch a lot of funny things I wonder though. It's just like Like I knew growing up. I would never be a professional basketball player Right, like I no matter how no matter how hard I trained. I can't unless maybe I dedicate my life to I would never be professional

But you could be a very good basketball player Right, I could be an okay basketball You could like break into the basketball industry if you need it to but I couldn't like I don't even I could never have gone to a Division one college You know, I mean, maybe if I really all day every day all I do is play basketball Maybe I could have been the last kind of D3 team if all I did was dedicate myself to training and basketball That's you getting better. That's like But that's what I would have to get so much better

That's why it's both because you need the innate talent and then also the drive and for basketball You'll probably need like well, I think with this industry advantage too. Yeah, that's true. Although. There's some tiny guys I remember how mugsie boges is like a hero to everybody in my school because he was so spud web is like oh my god Um There is Oh, my memory has been terrible lately What are you just talking about? Uh

Learning how to be funny learning how to be a basketball player Subjectivity of comedy. Are you funny? Oh, I think the three of us work very very hard, right? I don't work that hard Yeah, you do in the end the amount of time you put into comedy Yeah, the amount of time a mirror makes me put into comedy I'm a task But do you think you've got a task master? Well, the other thing is that it's easy for us to practice comedy all the time Even if we're not working we're still around people that we want to make right we're doing bits all the time

So it's harder to practice basketball all the time. That's why we couldn't just play basketball all day every day That's really interesting the idea that I was hanging out and doing bits Whenever the three of us hang out we usually do bits and are stupid right You know we can be real and talk about real things and help each other out as well But when we're when we're I would say part of the course or what we usually are We're out to dinner and talk about real things in the second something stupid happens all of us jump on it and go nuts We like to make each other laugh correct that brings us joy

But don't you don't you feel drained at the end of the day like you would at the end of a basketball game? Like when hanging out and doing like funny like at the end of the shoot day when we were shooting That's you're just like emcee. Oh my god. I had nothing left. Yeah, and also there's a scene I do This short film called um I'm mitzvill which is online And there's a scene right to cry in it And so we did the take like six times and I was like really crying really really crying in it and I remember being like so Tired afterwards. I couldn't I don't remember the next scene after was but I was like I need to just like

Chill for a bit like that took all your that was the equivalent of sprinting. It's like a comedy sprint all my emotion Yeah, yeah, but after ucb shows if I do a two-person show I feel so tired at the end because you're juggling everything if it's me middle-ditch And both of us afterwards like you have to be like sharp for like 60 seconds straight or 60 minutes Yes 60 minutes straight and you have to initiate every scene There's nobody that's gonna walk in and save you and many times we play five characters at the same time So it's like uh, so what's the warm-up for that? Like what's the equivalent of like lay-up lines for a comedy show like that

Like they try to be unfunny the whole day just to save your comedy energy or do you like to be like around people? I'm joking. I'm also like how do you know we don't do any of that. We don't even think about it Do you just meet each other at the theater? You're like, all right, let's go out Like I would like you need to just be with him for the afternoon to get in tune and get in Well, Amir did a snow pants a long time ago Yeah, but that was different. That wasn't just meet you. I was like along for the ride When it's just middle-ditch, we'll also know that middle-ditch And I've been doing improv for a very very long time

I think Thomas might have been doing it a longer than I have We've been doing it for a very long time at least 10 years Yes, at least I'm at 11 or 11 or 12 and he's probably at 13 15 maybe maybe 12 13 and then um We meet and I guess I've never really talked about what we do before and we meet five minutes before in the green room Five minutes we talk Are you joking or are you just like, hey, how's it going? Oh, great. Cool already. Yeah, we don't You're both on your phones like well sometimes there's someone else in the green room and we'll do bits just with them But uh, we'll usually just talk we'll just chill like but there's not there's no warm-up

I remember when I was on a harrowing team it was such a big deal And the energy is subdued back there a little bit because there's usually a show going on so you can't be like He's done ass cat monologues. I did an ass cat monologue once. Yeah It's very subdued and very chill, right? So you're not like backstage getting hyped up Yeah Music and I don't drink any out. Some people drink a beer. Some people have like something for caffeine. I don't do anything I just fucking we just go you're natural Well, I think it's just because this is something that I did

Oh, this is something I did a long time ago always whenever I didn't want to Like a Pavlovian response need myself to have a beer before doing a show. All right I didn't want to feel like fuck. I'm not gonna be funny. Let's have a beer I'm not gonna be funny unless I have blah blah blah and also something I do in life Like let's say you go through a breakup or let's say you don't get a roll and you get really depressed I never go out drinking afterwards ever and a lot of my friends when something bad happens They go out and get hammered. They self-medicate a little and I'm like, you know what? I can't train myself to do that That's such a bad way to drink to celebrate when I get something good

I'll have a drink to celebrate sometimes, but I'll eat cheese a cheeseburger. That's what I do Oh, it eats eat a nice little reward. I like a like a terrible for me in and out cheeseburger Or like there are many cheeseburger spots of love, but I'll have a beverage like if it's a birthday Like I'll have a beverage, but I'm not a guy. You guys know me. I don't really get drunk drunk I'll have a beverage or two, but I won't go crazy. Yeah But I'll go celebrate but I try my best I know I try my best never to get drunk After something bad happens

So I'll have a beer if you're going out of beers, but I won't get drunk ever Jake gets drunk every night and a lot of times something bad does happen How do you deal with something bad happens to you if you broke up the girl or if you if something What do you do? Well, I think I would get I it's not like I would get shit-faced drunk because I was sad If I if I went through a breakup or if I was celebrating or if it was just like a Tuesday I would be like I'm gonna have a couple drinks. I'm gonna try to fuck somebody. Tell me how much is a couple drinks. Um

If I'm going out, then I'm gonna have like Three whiskies and some shots Are you serious? How much is a bit try to fuck somebody? No, that's not true. No. Yeah always for sure. Definitely. No, that's no You don't have that much every night. I'm not saying every night. I'm saying like on a weekend. Oh when you're going out strong That's your maximum. That's not a lot. It's at your maximum magazine. It's a What's your stuff? No, I want the nba inside stuff whisk whiskey before we leave A whiskey at the place and then another another one there and then probably more

Look at your accounting. There's one at home one at the bar realize you have a terrible problem more So just there's a lot in college. I don't know. I overdo it. You drink a lot too, then Do you get hammered hammered? It does get hammered. I don't get hammered. I get drunk But I don't black out. I've never blacked out. I see you get drunk. You don't go crazy. Yeah, I've never blacked out I've never blacked out Um, okay. This college is a little bit different when I was in college I drank we drank that's sort of what like it was my first time away from home I was like are we drank one crazy? I remember there's a great moment when uh,

I was very close to all my friends. If anybody went to go to union college or went to union college I lived at the fox basement dorms. Yeah, go sparks connectivity. Shout out. It is 1 2 3 0 8, baby Uh go dutchman and so we used to love to pregame. It was so fun And so the showers where you know, you were there are little walls between each shower But you can put your stuff on top of the walls, right? Yeah. Yeah So what we used to do is we used to everybody had a different type of alcohol And while we were taking showers you would your hand would poke up and you would have like a shot of black house Or you have a shot of whiskey or you have a shot or whatever. So while we were getting ready to go out and pregame

We were already getting the shower. Yeah Classic. I mean college was crazy. Yeah, but I net but like also when I was done I was like, oh, I don't I don't get as much joy for well I think if I was sad, I wouldn't be like I need to get drunk I would be like I need to have some kind of communal experience with my friends. Is that true You want to be surrounded by people when you're right and I think drinking is like a nice social Why don't you call me when you're sad? Uh, I don't know. I'm sad all the time You have 38 missed calls from Jake

I think I need to how do you split this into two? Where do we stop? We'd have to stop right now. All right, stop it I was about to tell you guys about what I do. All right guys. See you next episode. Oh wait That's a great teaser for next episode. Wait get the guitar. We can do a natural theme song. Oh, right So ben will be back next week. I think on monday for part two of this episode If you have any questions of your own that we'll probably get to when ben's not on the show We have to tune it Is if I were you show at gmail.com. Thanks again to alex sexton for writing the theme song to begin this episode

And thanks to jake and ben for writing the outro song and here it is jakey. Here we go You want me to hold the microphone close you? Uh, yeah, that's great Are you gonna sing too maybe you start off not finishing All right, well i'm gonna start off. I have to find something else Why because I'm not I can't sing to complicated things. That was too fast. Maybe that was maybe that's the theme I can't sing to complicating things Thank you ben Thank you, mr. Schwartz

Let's all go to your room. Can I borrow some shorts? Thank you, mr A mere bloom belt Can I borrow a torch? I've got some stuff. I want a weld My name is jake herwitz Don't let me meet your mommy because I'll lick her tits jakey to me everybody I'll do the theme for the next one. We'll do the same song. I'll be back. That was amazing That was great

Hey all jordan harbinger from the art of charm here The art of charm is packed with wisdom and the truest sense of the word from how to become more productive and professional To how to meet and attract women and manage relationships We talk about how to create confidence how to get people to like and trust you productivity time management biohacking and more This is a show that offers meaningful fun life changing insights with a practical edge So listeners can apply something right out of the box every show every day So come hang with us here on the art of charm podcast and start crushing it today