If I Were You - 142: Fake Sex (w/Ben Schwartz!)

Episode Date: March 23, 2015

Comedian/Actor/Friend Ben Schwartz joins us to discuss on screen romance.This episode is brought to you by Bombas.com, RetailMeNot, and DollarShaveClub.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

She wants to be in the middle She wants to be in the middle of us You must be in quite a pickle I'll bring you to email A little question to If I were you, sure way gmail.com, Jake and Ami Will help you with whatever's going wrong

She wants to be in the middle She wants to be in the middle of us So I'm in your problem Simple and cute Till I'm in the podcast Listenin' now Steven Mills Two, she wants to be in the middle song

Back to back episode Very fortuitous Very, very, thank you to, yeah Alex Sexton was the last weeks And Steven Mills was this one It's a catchy tune, I guess Here comes Jake taking another piss Here he comes

Ladies and gentlemen Ladies and gentlemen, you know him You love him, denim on top and denim on bottom A song devised by Brian Husky from the UCB My socks are denim, my shoes are denim Here we go, baby They don't call him the denim bandit Because you don't, oh god

Someone to the phone, to the door You gonna get it, Jake? We can keep rollin' Alright, let's keep rollin', Jake's gonna get the door Alright, let's just get started This is If I Were You The only advice podcast on the internet Hosted by Ben, I'm Amir, I'm Josh

Well, not hosted by me, you said hosted by Ben Oh, we're gonna leave the microphones here Why didn't it take over? It's sort of a baton passing Oh, I would change the show totally then I'd change the whole format Everybody's in it, you guys would never be allowed on it You would just talk about drumming

Yeah, can you put a cap on that? Look how close you are to hitting it over I'm not that close to it Are you crazy? You're playin' with the devil You're playin' with... Fire? Yeah, playin' with fire

Ben was on our last episode It ran a little long, so we're gonna make it a two-parter Two-parter Giant Harmony That would be three-part harmony, but it's fine I wanted to do it I wanna be in the middle

Okay, I got a couple questions for you guys Oh, yeah, sure Wait, let me ask a question That'll set us off on a journey An impressive journey We need a guy's name By the way, we're supposed to write today Three of us are supposed to write today

Because we're doing this for two hours of change There's no way we're gonna write today And the guy's name is... It's a guy? It's a guy You know him You love him Michael

Booblies Any relation? To who? To Donovan Booblies Ready? Quick question, if you don't mind Sure How big is your TV at home?

Thought you were gonna say penis Nice Do you guys talk about penis size and everything? What was the article recently that like announced the average male dick size? What is it? It's actually a little less than five and a half Really?

In America I think between five and a half and six or something No, I think five and a half is the like universal or is the world average and in America it's actually a little less than five and a half Why do Americans have smaller penises in the world? Hold on, let me ask Siri Go, do it, see what she says

Oh, she says go fuck yourself That's the first question, dude Come on, stop wasting time Sure Hey, guys I saw a cut to the chase My girlfriend and I are leaving for college soon and I love this girl

and I can't see myself without her She's an actor, which is awesome Then we had the discussion about her being in a role where she will have to kiss somebody else I'm the only guy she's ever done anything with and this makes me even more against her being in that role What bothers me more is that kissing her is something that I only see myself doing

It's that small intimate thing that is special to me and I feel like a shitty boyfriend every time I think like this but I don't think it should be something I have to share What bothers me more is just that she doesn't seem to care about kissing another guy and then I'm the bad guy but am I really that bad if I just don't want her to kiss somebody else

or make out with strangers on stage in front of a bunch of other strangers when she doesn't even do that with me in front of people I want to be able to just nip this in the bud and be a better boyfriend but I think I find it hard to... Nip it in the bud? Is that true? That's the phrase? Yeah

Nip it in the bud I feel like you nip it in the bud before it blooms Oh wow, I've been saying that wrong the whole time I just want to nip this in the bud and be a better boyfriend but I find it hard to watch my girlfriend make out with some dude then be expected to clap afterwards

Obviously, I'm an extremely jealous boyfriend so that definitely adds to the issue as well but still, what do I do? Help, please This guy went off the rails as he was writing this email He got angry and angry Amir read it like that as well That was my decision So what's the deal with this guy?

You acted in a way that led us to interpret this exact same way What's the deal with this guy? I mean, what does he have to do? Should he be upset that his girlfriend is making out with a boy? This is how Ben's going to host the episode in a while I've never seen you do an impression That's not part of your comedy thing I can do an impression of the woodchuck in Full House

Yeah, let's hear it Ready? Wow, how does that come out of your mouth? It's also Smeagol from Lord of the Rings Guilty little hobbits Little hobbits That's so bizarre What else can I do? I used to be able to do a couple

Not very well I've been on a cartoon for like three years Randy Cunningham I do the great Randy Cunningham, 9th Grand Ninja Whoever watches Yeah, 100 episodes, two seasons Jesus Christ Isn't that crazy?

How many times have you guys been on the show? Zero, you're going to have us She wants to be in the middle We knock on the trailer wall and door and you just never let us in It's hilarious that you think voiceovers have trailers So let's talk about this Sure But before I cast you a question

Sure No Dating an actress who has to kiss another guy This is the problem And it's going to be a problem forever, unfortunately, if you date an actress She is going to have roles, especially if she's a female That she's going to have to kiss the opposite sex And it is very weird

And I have gone through that weirdness And I don't, there's no other profession Outside of pornography, I guess But is there any other profession that you And by the kissing is the lowest of it I've had scenes where you have to have sex with women And you're naked with them and stuff like that Well, my dad's a tax lawyer and he's constantly

Where he's had to have sex or hook up with a secretary That's not true That's not true And your dad listens to this, now he feels terrible And that hung out with your whole family a couple of weeks ago Yeah, he really wanted to But I mean like Ben's saying it's not acting It's the only profession where you have to kiss somebody

My dad had to Wait, prove me wrong, children, prove me wrong, Seymour Skinner Yeah Prove me wrong Prove me wrong, children Prove me wrong Prove me wrong and tell me, is there another profession? That forces you to kiss somebody

Acting A lip doctor No A real profession Oh, CPR A lifeguard That's good That's good, that's mouth to mouth I guess, you're right

That'd be funny Doctors see each other naked, doctors see patients naked Yeah But imagine if you got pissed at your husband The lifeguard for saving a life Like you were making out with that chick It was incredible I saw the life come back into her eyes

Yeah, that's how hard you were kissing her You were Frenching her I like the other version of this is this I've been waiting five years for that woman to choke on something So I could kiss her That's the saddest thing would be if the lady didn't make it Yeah Oh, so you

She's dead Not yet, she's not You kissed her to death Oh, yeah, baby You cheated on me with a corpse Oh, baby But I kissed a corpse so hard it came back to life I like when you're a hero but so creepy, sir

My favorite part of this email is that he explains to us why it bothers him As if we didn't know What bothers me is that kissing her is something that I only see myself doing It's a special little thing that I have You think you invented kissing? Is that what you think you did? Don't tell anybody else Because other people just start doing it

She's starting to bring this smash lip thing that we do And turning it into a national phenomenon He's also making her profession It starts to be like she's going to get roles where she has to kiss people And then he goes on to just sort of demean the entire idea of acting Like she's going to kiss a stranger on stage in front of a bunch of other strangers And I have to clap afterwards The clap afterwards is hilarious

Like it's a good thing Like I'm proud of her Oh, you mean she booked a role she's excited about A lot of people show up to her show and then people clap afterwards That does sound really nice Yeah, but at the same time she had to press her face Also you're a freshman in college so you guys are definitely going to break up If she's the only girl you've ever kissed

Don't worry about it Of course, just yeah Wish her godspeed on her journey and break up now Ben, what's the farthest you've gone with a chick? Off camera One time I did Smash Mouth What's that? Where you take both your lips and you push them together and you go

With the guy from Smash Mouth Yeah, you have to make out the guy from Smash Mouth What's the most intense sexual thing you've done on camera? I've done sex scenes I've done making out Sex? How does that work? You're wearing underwear and so is she? Well, it matters

It matters what type of production you're on If you're on a show that's on something like she My first sex scene ever, the woman who was gorgeous Had something in her rider She couldn't show her ass or vagina So they couldn't show My ass and vagina is right there So they couldn't show my

Your vagina? My vagina is right there Oh my god My ass and vagina is in the same space So I was able to She was wearing see-through She was wearing like skin color panties And I just wore like tidy whiteies

And rolled them up so like whatever But in house a lot But she was topless? She was wearing a see-through bra I don't think she let anybody look at her breasts here But that was us going through the motions of sex And showing like my chest and other things But I've been naked

Fully naked? No And showtime For showtime I think they can show my ass They have it I don't know But they make you wear this terrible thing

And it's called a modesty sock I think And what it is It's like a little pouch You know like when you're younger And you have marbles Yeah But you know you put your penis in it too

You have to scrunch all your business together And then you So it's like you put it all in there And you tie it up like marbles? And tie up the top Oh So it can't So it can't whatever

Oh It's no fun Oh It is no fun So you couldn't even get hard if you wanted to No you can get hard I'll break through the sack You can break through the sack

Have you ever gotten hard, didn't you? Absolutely No By the way I've been so nervous about it Because I've been Very fortunate we're such lovely nice women Are there

Who are also gorgeous You know what I mean So it's like Have you ever had to grind against a topless woman? Yes She was on top of me You're in this pouch And she

No That I was wearing my pants still Oh But she's grinding on you The only time I wore that pouch Was when there's a scene where I was naked In the back of a car So you had to look

I was totally naked All the other ones In like the beginning So this year I have a couple sex scenes But it's mostly the very beginning of it Right before we started So it's before it's like Whatever

It's like You like You like You like You like You like You like You like

You like You like Whatever you're comfortable with Whatever you feel like I will do As I want to make you as comfortable as possible Make you feel like

This isn't a big thing So if you want to just No tongue 100% No touching Anything you wish Would be totally fine It's not not your decision to make

No it kind of I've been on the show We've been on the show for so long that If the director's like Yeah but you need to be I was like You know we'll sell it Just if it makes her uncomfortable

It's crazy If it makes her uncomfortable There's no reason to make her feel Then choose another job sweet hot That's what you say every time She says Actually no tongue So

You're fired You bite into an onion But there are actresses that are like Let's do it Like we would be Let's do it Like we would be doing That's the art

And I agree And by the way that For the most part I believe is The correct way of doing it Does it ever Do you ever feel connected or aroused Or Yes you do

There are sometimes where you 100% It's by the way It's the same with when you kiss A woman in real life There's sometimes where you like Feel connected And like oh my god

This girl is amazing at this Is a great connection To the crew around I've never had sex scenes I've never even had tongue kissing scenes But like when I've had like Smooch stuff Or like fake make out

Oh wait I did I did have a sex scene once You had a fake out make out I had a fake sex scene Did you kiss the person Yeah But it was like It was so

I don't know I felt nothing There wasn't like Not even a Yeah but that's what you do When you're actually cheating On your girlfriend So that's not like a good indication

What about you Ben What do you feel like When you're kissing someone In your relationship I will say this is If you've ever dated an actress before It's weird It's a weird feeling

That let's say You care about someone You kiss them And you're like Oh this week sometime You have a sex scene with somebody Or you have a That girl has a

Make out scene with someone It's weird It is very weird It's something that this guy It's hard to get over But he's obviously He runs a little bit jealous Regardless

But it's a tough thing I don't know how to Explain it Because also like It's so weird Because then you can watch it Also and you can watch that person Make out

All those scenes that I'm making out With those girls are on television Or whatever But you're an actor too So like you have to It seems like you have to be I understand it totally Yes yes yes

If you're like a random Like a student or a plumber And then you have to see Your wife or girlfriend Make out with another guy This guy's also already Really really jealous Think about it

He's seething And his girlfriend Doesn't have a role Where she has to kiss them And by the way it may be There's so many different Types of kisses It could just be like

A little peck And it means nothing But if it's like There are scenes that we've done Where it's like You're all over me I'm making out with her And throwing her on a bed

Stuff like that That's a totally different kissing Scene than I'll see you later I'll see you later Kiss and leave Right and say goodbye But it's a very weird thing

Because also You want to try your best To be in the moment Like I learned from improv And then I never really Went through action school I never went through action school But for improv

You want to be in the moment You want to say yes and You want to make something With someone else Always in a scene You want to like The one we the three of us Fuck or the one the three of us

Right We play with each other We play with each other's dicks Yeah we play with each other's dicks Any time we write And then any time Jake comes We're like That's a good joke

The idea stick The idea stick Something's really funny Only and so Jake only comes in There's own jokes by the way So sad But there is this weird moment

When you're like Making out with someone And then If you're single by the way It's gonna If you're single There's like No you don't feel

As bad at all You just don't feel as bad at all But when you're If let's say You're going out with someone And you're making out with someone You just don't You just don't feel so weird

You know what I mean Does it feel weird to see Or to be in that Like are you feeling more weird When you're making out When you see your girlfriend Making out Do I

What's worse for you The weirdest thing to see Oh my god If watching a girl Watching a lady Or something like that Yeah of course This scene

I don't know when this comes out The worst thing I could imagine Is being the guy Having a girl be upset Going making out And then coming home And then that first conversation How was

How was set to How was the scene It was good It was a fine day But think about sex scenes When the girl I've had scenes where girls Are totally naked in front of me

Totally naked And wearing like a tiny There's a little triangle They put over their pubic region That's the only thing They have covering themselves And what do they do A modesty triangle

I forget what it's called It's called something I forget what it's called I have an amazing story I wonder if I can tell it Oh my god You can't do that And then I

Alright there's a sex scene And we're in Vegas So by the way Some of these make out I don't know if anybody Watches House of Lies on the show But the last episode Or I guess it'll be a couple

Of episodes by the time this airs There's a girl that I have A bunch of make out scenes with She has a boyfriend in real life She's so sweet Such a great actress Her name is Valerie Curry And she was great in these scenes

You know what I mean But she's amazing Because at the same time Her boyfriend was on set sometimes On set And he was never for them Oh there was a kissing scene He was on set for

Oh no no no I don't know if we kissed But like he was an actor also So he knew it was going on And stuff like that She's like a pro and amazing She was great at it There are some people

That are a little bit more awkward About it There are some people that are not as Or like I remember I did a short film once And it was just She had never done a kissing scene before And I made her as comfortable as possible

And everything And it was just very It was just very weird Because you can tell how nervous she is And when someone's kissing They're nervous you can feel it Right And so you try to

I only feel that I've never kissed a girl Who's at ease Really? She's always like Give me a situation where you're kissing someone So like I'm on the end of a date And it's going

Alright As far as I'm concerned It's going great And she's probably not feeling it And then at the end of the night She's upset because I split the bill A lot of times she's upset She's upset

Yeah it's not mad or anything She's upset So what do you usually say Do you say the while it's on the car Do you say What's your line Why don't we get this out of the way now Because I feel like

I don't want to have the first kiss later Do you say that for real And then she I can feel the hair on her back stand She's so disgusted by that Right This is like this She almost

She's like pushing her shoulder blades together In the back Like that so much Like a cat Or someone spilled hot water down her back It's like Have you ever done that Have you ever

By the way that line is extraordinary Have you ever used that line Because my question is What happens if the girl Doesn't want to make out with you Like I want to see how this date goes Oh you're talking about Actually using that line

In real life Oh that's actually the line from Annie Hall It worked in Annie Hall Oh right What do you have He picks up He's like Let's look at this over with that

Yes I remember that No definitely not Because you're a terrible person Because I think it's a terrible person thing to do To say let's kiss now Before you know me What happens if I don't like you

Yeah it would be so crazy Alright this is my crazy story We're in Vegas There's a scene where There's a scene where I'm having sex with This is a scene obviously I'm having sex with someone

Cheedles John Cheedles the star of our show John Cheedles having sex with someone And another actor is having sex with someone In the same room And the move The camera move is I wonder if I've ever said this

Before I'm sure it's fine The camera move is from Cheedle to the other person And then you wipe across the room And it's to me Is it a special effect Or are you guys actually

Fake doing it in the same Cheedles completely naked With the modesty shotgun So you can see his ass And everything in the shot also The other guy totally Naked with the modesty shotgun And they're having sex with

These two gorgeous women by the way And I'm having sex With a beautiful woman as well But I'm totally clothed The joke was I was having sex with her Totally clothed So I go up to the floor

And I say the same thing I've said it with any person And I was like Tell me what you're comfortable with I don't want to make you uncomfortable And she laughs And she goes She goes

Baby listen to me I'm a soft core porn actress You could do whatever you want Oh my god And I'm like And she's like Are you nervous now And I'm like

No no no I'm gonna be fine I'm gonna be fine What is soft core Versus regular porn Soft core means There's no penetration But they simulate everything

So there's no actual penis and vagina But it's like It looks like there is They're on top of each other And all that stuff What's the point of that Because you can't show penetration Skin to max

Remember all those things Where kids I don't know if it still exists Now there's so much porn I wonder if it does But so So I was like I was like

Okay Very nice woman She's I thought that's what you said Okay very nice Very nice woman All right Very nice

Yes And it was A Swedish girl It was a Swedish woman She was the Swedish woman No no no Cheeto had this Swedish woman That kind of

Didn't speak total English I had this beautiful A black woman And then there was I forgot what An Asian woman was We had like It was like

All different ethnicities It was the UN It was great It was the UN Of soft corpornal fucking everything We were in Vegas In a place that had windows See through windows

And we were to have The two people had sex On them against the windows So essentially If you were looking in that day You would have looked like Don Cheeto In this other person

We're fucking these two girls Because the cameras are behind them Yeah So the camera move is this I wonder if this is too graphic Jake I know your family listens to this It's all right

Mama turn down the podcast Love you bitch Hey did you give Did you give the Simpsons script That I gave it to your family Yes Did you? I gave it to my father

I thought I texted you I did I did give you one right You gave me one to give to my dad And I gave it to him I texted you and I said He loved it All right good

That makes me happy He does love it All right good I'm happy that I could talk about Your father right in the middle Of the sex story Hi daddy Hello daddy

I love your money father So the move is Cheeto This other guy And then me And I'm having sex And the whole idea is She's on her back

And then that's why this is graphic I apologize But if you watch the episode It's in there And when the camera comes to me I'm to flip her So her head is over the top of the chair And I'm to have sex with her from behind

Okay And she goes beforehand And she's totally naked off the bat And she didn't want to wear the little piece That covers Cause she's like everybody's seen me And I was like I was like

Oh I was totally closed So it didn't matter for me And I was supposed to just like Pretend to have sex with her And when you're pretending to have sex With someone And you're wearing that little pouch Or like you're wearing all your underwear

It's really hard It's really scary and hard Because it's like Oh it's gonna be so hard to not get excited But when you're fully clothed It's a little bit easier For a hundred different reasons So the first take

She's like You can do anything you want Don't worry I have another story But I won't say And so it goes They go We're gonna do the first one

So you guys don't have to pretend To have sex with it So it's cheeto That camera move is cheeto The hilarious scene Is at the end of the party And all of a sudden We're just all having sex

Cheeto The other guy I see the camera coming And in the meantime I'm kind of in the background And she is acting like Hercules is fucking her She's like

And so like I had to catch up My ferociousness and my sex To meet the levels of What she was throwing out there It was so funny And then the camera was on us And so I flipped her over

And she was such a pro with it Like the move was so sexy and cool And then I'm having sex with her from behind And she's so gorgeous This beautiful black woman In front of me And I take her hair And I pull her hair

As sometimes men do When they're having sex With women from behind And she's wearing a weave And the weave goes And I pull it off her head You pulled her hair off So her hair was to the

Left side of her hair And she did not break And she was acting Like Thor himself And fucking her with his hammer And she was like And her hair was Barely hanging on

And she's trying to fix Her hair while having sex And they finish the little scene They go cut And she cracks up She laughs I was like Oh my god, she's going to kill me

She laughs up She's like Oh, I should have said You could do anything but touch my hair And I was like I am I apologize I was so Jewish in that moment

I was like I am so sorry I am so sorry Oh, gosh I really apologize Did they keep that take as a joke? It exists somewhere But they did not use that take

Wait, did that episode come out? Season two When we were in Vegas Right And literally it happens Where they changed it to I'm having sex with the guys I'm having sex next to me

And we high five Which is so stupid But by the way, can I say There's a scene If anybody ever sees that episode I don't remember what episode it's in The scene right after that The three of us were all hung over

Me, Cheeto, and this guy We're doing business with Are all hung over eating brunch And it's an awesome scene I remember Cheeto and I being like That was a good one, man Yeah And anytime Cheeto even hints

That was better than shitty Like he's like Hey, that was good I was like Oh, baby We were in Hotel Rwanda too Hotel for dogs Rwanda edition

He was in Hotel for dogs As well, by the way Oh, really? Two hotel movies? Yeah, two hotel movies When they ask you to do stuff That's like so cringe-worthy Like high-fiving while having sex

Yeah Do you ever like Yeah, I'll say, yeah You know what, I don't think that'll happen But this, we're both hammered And it was me And my character was a real douchebag At the time

And it was literally The other guy's last name was Dusken So they were called the douchebag twins And so like it was perfect My character would do it for his character Right Because he wants it so bad

He wants that high-five so bad And I'm trying to get his business Yeah That, of course, yeah Same reason why we would all have sex In the same room There's no reason We want to close the deal

Yeah So that's why we all did it Yeah That's why you closed the deal Oh But that is my That's the funniest sex story I've got That's good

So What about the funniest real sex story? Sure, okay So me, Cheetal, are having sex In the same room in Vegas No one else is in there No one else is in there We're both jerking off

To different types of porn Him, Softcore Him, Softcore I'm jerking off to his Captain Planet videos I'm funnier than that I'm funnier than that There's always fun By the way

Oh, there's a great There's a great beginning of a sex scene This year between me and Valerie Carrey Which is so sweet and lovely And like I feel like kind of encompasses What like sex scenes Or what's like fun If you like the person's sex

Can be like or start Or stuff like that And we're like laughing And having fun And it's kind of cute and sexy And Do you ever laugh while you're having sex? For real?

La You'll play Not like Laap At the beginning when you're like kissing someone Or like stuff like that Right before those actual penetrations Yeah

Yeah When I'm having sex Well like Jake Everybody knows when you have sex You sing the Lion King theme At the beginning, right? La The pain

Yeah To my pain Yeah Right in your Right in your That's good That's good Oh

Oh, try it Try it Try it, ready? Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

Yeah Yeah Yeah Very close All right All right Let's get a commercial Yeah, it's actually a good timing

Let's actually do a commercial We'll be right back with Ben Schwartz Got the worst comment Are you can't do it? I've counted Like four waters since I got here Nope Nope

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We're back And you The microphone It's a very sexual one We did a very sexual show Uh, I just realized You probably didn't give this guy advice We just talked about our...

Oh, okay I told them to break up with this girl No, that's a terrible advice No, it's not She's a bad boyfriend No, this is what you gotta do You gotta... You have to learn that it's a part of her job

Unfortunately And it's something you're gonna have to deal with Also, you have to... You have to understand that You might be a little bit jealous But it's a jealousy that comes from something That makes sense It's not a jealousy like

Oh my god, who is she out with tonight? It's literally... My girlfriend's gonna kiss A very attractive guy probably Tonight So I understand that it's rude and something It is going to be to you She is nervous about it as well

She's more nervous about it than you are, dude It's her first time kissing someone On camera or on stage Be as supportive as you can You could be like Hey, you know what? This makes me feel uncomfortable But I'm supportive of you

Please, whatever If you'd like her and you dig her She'll... You gotta hope and cross your fingers That it's fine The other thing is You're so young You're 21 years old

And... 18 You're 18? Freshman college Oh wow So... Break up No, not break up

But you'll see how strong You'll see how strong it is But... It is something you can't make Or feel bad for Don't make her feel ashamed She's just as nervous as you are Let her do her thing

And be supportive If it's a live show I would show up to the live show And support her If it's on whatever... You gotta kick that dude's ass afterwards Green, giant You know, you find the guy's girlfriend

Her stage partner Give me a Jake and a Jake, Jake, Jake What'd I get? Oh God, Jake Your rhythm Sorry Try it again, ready? Yep

Give me a Jake, Jake And Jake, Jake, Jake Was that right? See, the problem is I don't know What I'm wrong You don't know what to start Give me a Jake, Jake And Jake, Jake, Jake

I want a Jake, Jake And a Jake, Jake, Jake Oh, you had it You lost it Cool How can you play guitar Where you can't do that That makes no sense

Well, guitar doesn't... Guitar's just like steady all the time It's like... No, it's not I don't know I don't know how I know How to play guitar He's great at guitar

Ladies, mamacities Have you ever given your phone number out on this podcast? No No, it's sort of like a cool hip-hop thing to do, though Really, you give out your own

phone number on this song Big Sean does it on his album Somebody else did it No, he does not Yeah Gives his actual phone numbers No way it's his real phone Yeah, somebody else did it before him

I can't remember who it was And he said what? Call me? Yeah Yeah That's right Big Sean's line is like You think I'm not...

You say you can't get in touch with me Or like whatever And then he just says his number Oh I called it It's a 555? No, it's... I mean, I think...

I don't know if it was his... I think it was his real number Hey, how do you ask questions, by the way, on the podcast? What do you mean, how do I ask questions? No, like how do you get people to ask questions? Oh, people can email

if I were your show at gmail.com Speaking of, let's answer another question All right, we got time for one last one What? I just don't give it the point of the show is Of course you do You just... You just...

That was the point of the show You just gave this guy bad advice I gave him good advice I think you should break up Why? Because you're so young? Yeah What happens if that's a girl you love?

You're the tiebreaker You could stick it out I mean, if the jealousy is indeed too much for you to handle then You don't have to make her feel bad Oh, yeah, see how it feels Go through it once Yeah, go through it once

I might get better at it By the way, she's not every scene She's not gonna be kissing her Yeah, yeah, it's not as big of a deal as she's making out to be It does suck, though I hear you when I feel through All right, one last question

One last time One last time We need a male name Yeah, yeah Male name I know about this, about Jake and Amir But they love to dance Yeah

Did you talk about it on the podcast? I guess we talk about going out dancing They go out dancing And it is something... It is a joy that I forgot that I had until Amir and Jake and Amir had pushed me to go out dancing a couple of times And we had a blast

Yeah Dancing's fun And then we've gone out many times since The only bad part is that it kind of ruins regular bars And it's like, oh, what am I doing here if there's not music being played? Well, to be fair, we don't go to club

I guess one time we went to club I would never go to a techno club No, not like EDM No, I mean, by the way, more power too And I saw a documentary on it and loved the community around it But I love hip-hop and R&B I would love to...

Those type of places There's not enough hip-hop bars There's literally a couple of them It's crazy to me I know Samantha Ronson does a show on Fairfax every now and then And I was like, we gotta go to that It's people dancing to the best

She's so good But why are there not more hip-hop and R&B in Los Angeles? I don't know But Jake found one that's every Saturday night Oh, maybe we do that Starts this Saturday Really?

Yeah My friend's writing is this weekend I'm also going away this week I'm gonna get back I'm so sorry Like that video All right Ready?

Oh, guy's name Sure This guy is brought to you by Energizer Batteries And his name is... He's brought your own sponsor His name is Lawrence

That's L-A-R-R-E-N-C-E Lawrence Odala Gools Oh, is he Jewish? No, he's Irish We had a guy named Lawrence in one of our videos Yeah

Gools Isn't a ghoul like a ghost? Yes Why doesn't nobody say ghouls anymore? I say ghoul Do you? I will say ghoul every day What's my favorite line you do

in Jake and Amir? What's that? From the Pirates of the Caribbean trailer Do it Do it From the trailer Wait, you best start believing Yeah, do it

Do you want me to do the Jake and Amir line or the other line? Jake and Amir line Opinions are like assholes, Jake You are one Yeah, if it wasn't worth it Asshole

That's like asking someone to do an impression of me like that That's not good All right Lawrence writes I met him in a lake down in Diego by way of repubbles

all the time like a giant carbonated soda I changed your rhythm S-O-D-A-S-O-O-D-A Now speed it up I saw the little run sitting there on a log He asked me his name

and in the recipe voice he said iota I-I-A-I-O-IOTA Was that all right That's great Thanks, guys Hey guys Hey, guys

Broke Up with a girlfriend of three years a couple months ago I've been curious about joining Tinder, importante and etc for a while but was worried about running into the X on there How long should I wait

before getting these apps? Have you ever run across an X on Tinder Larence His last name. Oh dollar ghoul I'm not on those so you guys have to answer it, but I can I can give you general sweeps Are you guys both on tinder? Yeah, are you gonna talk about it on the podcast? Yeah, are you on tinder? But didn't you make a poster of his tinder profile? I did kind of so funny

By the way, you may not know but Jake is very funny You probably don't know from the short films because he's so bad And he's so unfunny and funny and all the jacob the compliment you probably don't know because like his performance is lackluster And his writing is poor, but he's actually He's really but he's only jit five out of ten Like the things he says or does but just like the mistakes he made Yeah, look at him. He's so dumb. Yeah, Matt Besser once said that a Great straight man is one of the hardest things in the universe to find you have to be so good and so funny to pull it off

The only thing harder than that is to be like the funny silly wacky guy That's the cake people want to laugh at that without Jake you make no sense. That's right. Fuck that Do you realize when I do shorts? It's harder for you for you and me to both be crazy at the same time Yeah, it's just too much. Well, what about also when we had Thomas and you and me and Jake. It was a fucking Melana being crazy. Yeah, I Will say one of my favorite things when I watch Jake in here And I've seen quite a few is when Jake breaks because he gives you what you he gives you the character And then he breaks it by going like when he tries to be too fratty or too cool. Yeah, I

Go nuts for that character of Jake There was one where like there's a man the binds where I have Amanda binds his phone number and he like turns it I was like, you didn't tell me you had an in with Binds She's all that there's three versions of the dead. There's that Jake. There's the Jake where Um Like oh what we just did well in the episode then episode one of the two part of the bad Impressions what he's trying to do when he's trying to do the bad man when he's doing those impressions But they're gonna be deleted scenes. Yeah, we should do that

We have outtakes but man he was making a slap just cuz he commits so he wants some people to think he's cool It's so funny. The second there's a shred of doubt that someone doesn't think he's cool He puts on he tries harder than a mere choice Did I do damn my favorite analysis it's really really funny I think there's different shades of what Jake is and I think the real one is probably the most crazy one But it was it was oh god, it's crazy. We're not gonna do it again. We're never gonna do Jake and me again Mm-hmm. Isn't that sad? Have you talked about on the podcast? I feel nothing. No, you feel well You always feel nothing. Jake has emotions. What do you think Jake? I'm really sad. That was sad. Remember our last day

That was sad. Yeah, I think when we were like we're in when we're writing it felt like I don't know our heads were down We're just working on it and then at the end of that long day when they're like that's a wrap on Ben It was like There was a there was a great chance we would never see each other again It wasn't like that, but I mean it was like thinking it was sad Well, I wrote the end of that thing so it would feel like sad remember that. Yeah, one of you guys were like Why are you doing this? Oh when you hug me? Yeah, I thought or like being like hey This was so fun like I wanted it to be genuine, right? Yeah, that was a real moment that we like snuck into the video

Yeah, I did that by the way at the end of Parks and Rec. I did that as well. No, did you guys watch the finale Parks and Rec? Yeah, did you did? The end of it one of the lines was Hey Leslie and she turns around I go I've always loved you and I did it as sincere as possible I wanted it to be like for the first time you see what he really thinks and what is like why he's been trying so hard this whole time Yeah, he really loves Leslie like he's in love with her and if you watch it It's like I almost cry and some of the takes wow

It's like I try to make it like genuine and also I think it makes it so Funny that it's that whatever and also they did the funniest edit where after it when she goes I know I get up and like I get up like yeah Whatever and they and they black out to commercial right after it's it made me laugh so hard but one of the things we're shooting that Jake and Amir because I was also a week of like I like When it aired is like the end of parks and the end of you guys and those are all the things that I get to like be the silliest version Myself and have the most fun You guys without me knowing

Because they're very they're very nice and they show me edits each edit and I get to give notes on rough cuts I don't know if you do that with other guys But no very very nice you and then because we write it together We kind of do the whole process together and we go back and they're very very good at editing But they added that montage. I had no idea there was a montage in the final one of our old outtakes And I mean I knew something was special With the copy because Amir never emails me more than a mirror like hey Here's a new cut tell me what you think but then he like texted me an email me one more time like hey you check it out

I was like I'm working. I think you'll find a special treat in this one. I got a motion I got I got close to a teary-eyed when I watch it. It was because it was like oh my god We've been doing it for this long. Yeah, and it was all that was yeah That was what made me emotional really going back and pulling those really old clips. It's like holy shit. So crazy And the best part they were from the outtakes or from like the fight was like from us being us Yeah, and laughing for real that was us being us and laughing for real and then you doing your fake seal laugh and me not being able to Control those so I remember the first time I did it you guys were nervous for some you were nervous the first two times I could tell you guys were nervous to like play. Yeah, cuz we never we never stuff with a real

Comedy makes me nervous. No, you're so comfortable. No, I'm terrible think about the last one We did where you were doing those fucking Best part was it's like Jake and Dave did that No, I did that Dan and I did that and the call back to that Which you guys do one of them notes on hours when everybody goes norm Jake goes He doesn't even say Dan he goes Like look at my mouth, you know, I'm saying norm

To for me to just like play with a real-life Ben. I've never ever done that before. Oh, yeah, someone's a crazy car I was I was a streamer in that first episode and also that car remember that one that we did where you did the Cartman and Yeah, that was the origin of like my of the bad. Oh, right impressions. It was like me doing Batman And that made me laugh so respect my authority It made me laugh Carmen so And then you're and then you had like some Beetlejuice or some weird like oh, no, you were like Christian Bailey Oh, yeah, you're gonna love mine. You're like Batman. Yeah, and then I'm like a Batman's over here, too

Wait, there was something that I guess you just watch the video Can't wait, but Jake is incredibly funny. I'm here. It gets a lot of credit and Jake is incredibly funny I am really funny everybody. I hope your dad and your mom are listening. No, I hope my mom's listening and we are gonna continue to collaborate I don't know how oh, we know we're gonna start to write stuff for fun See if let's see if anybody wants to buy it, but for fun and cash I mean, we'll see you about the cash, but regardless. It'll be fun. No one won't be fun unless we're rich, baby Yeah, this is the problem. I'm rich That's the last part of that. Do you know the whole line? Yeah, what go do it? I'm rich, Jay

This is where I get it dude. I'm rich Jay Hey, I'm rich Jay. You know 45 minutes ish. Let's talk to this guy really quickly on the phone. Yeah Oh, wait. He asked a question. Yeah, he's like, can I join Tinder or do I have to wait a little bit? Oh, yeah Oh, are you on Tinder? Yeah, and it doesn't matter if you see your ex. You just swipe her left It's okay or like the fact that you see her ex means that she's on it, too Yeah, she can't get mad at you. Also, if you swipe her left, she there's a good chance if you see her first If you swipe her left, there's a good chance that you won't just show up in her cue Isn't it also fine to start like do you give yourself like a oh, I just broke up

I better take a week off as from I guess well, I wouldn't go on Tinder immediately after but he said he was months, right? Yeah, yeah, that's 100% fine. No, I wouldn't by the way I'm also the nature of I wouldn't date anybody for a little bit if someone meant something to you right out of respect I would take a little bit of time. I don't think Jake is the same way I was not trying to date anybody and I just wanted something that wasn't serious. I would immediately go to Tinder That's where you get that stuff. Do you mean you would even try not to bone a girl? Yeah, but I'm a weirdo and that stuff I'm like, you know what if I cared about someone because I've because I felt like if I went out with a girl and I

Actually loved her I really cared about her and then I found out three days after we broke up She had sex with a guy like oh, that's just that's terrible. It just makes me feel disgusting So you wouldn't do that to why I waited live wait a little bit. Yeah, mm-hmm. That's very thoughtful of you I usually like to wait to at least like three or four weeks before we break up This episode is so much better the first one The first one was so boring and this one is so much better, right because we talked about sex instead of drums There's only one thing that can make it better. I'm gonna get it up. I'll keep going. Thank you Ben for that

It yeah, we gave we gave it by we're here for about an hour We we if you have your own questions your own theme song submissions Send them on down to if I were you show at gmail.com Ben do you have anything you want to plug? I do by the way, am I allowed to plug something or no? You can say whatever you want for real. Yeah, okay. There's something that means a lot to me. I'd like to plug Okay Oh, yeah, I would like to What wait when is this coming out sometime in the next couple weeks March? Oh house Eliza would be wrapping up guys

Give house Eliza shot this year. I don't also these the writers gave me these amazing arcs and I have these beautiful dramatic beats It's really I should watch this season. My brother says he loves it now. It's so this season is I mean that all the seasons are great But this season there I mean we just the characters are set people know who they are now We get to really play like I have a father though the craziest thing that's ever happened in any TV show I've ever done happens in the next three weeks. Whoa. Yeah by far the craziest storyline And also there's like those sex scenes we talked about how you get to see like sparks with people and like we try to play it out There's more than two people involved in this thing and it's it's fun

But um, I get these really great words that these writers wrote me and that's an example about my character What's an example of one of the great my poopy smells like to toot? You can you say that? Yeah, but there's one great one But there there is a it's a really good season give it a shot on showtime 10 p.m. Sundays and you go in showtime anytime you can watch every single episode watch the house allies improv special I did it's on there on demand. Oh, yeah, go to reject the jokes calm Follow me on Twitter reject the jokes and that's it dang you want to do an outro song because you said you were gonna Do one after Jake did it?

I'm gonna give the guitar to Amir. I Can't play more than four seconds at a time lawyers will be on our ass Do you know how to play guitar? Kind of oh my god, this is amazing. Oh, yeah part from from the Weezer song You play Weezer song. Let's make them different the world has turned You know that just the high part from Buddy Holly, which That's cool

That's cool regular song She's a J girl crazy about denim and Amir girl likes colorful socks, too She's a free girl touching Jake and me Have a threesome But be safe too because Thank you guys if I were your show, thank you for having me. I'll never see you again. All right. Goodbye forever

Hey everybody, I don't know if you've heard but your favorite website the chive.com now has words and it's coming the form of our shiny new Podcast right over a podcast one. So join us. I'm John Rezeg. This is Bob Philip Hi Every Thursday for a mix of chive culture celebrity interviews and offbeat current events You never know who's gonna drop by the studio and you certainly never know what we're going to say to them So it's the chive podcast. It's total ear candy. There's no snark involved in this and you can download it now at podcast one dot com That's podcast one dot com