If I Were You - 144: Heart to Heart (w/Thomas Middleditch!)

Episode Date: March 30, 2015

Comedian/Friend Thomas Middleditch is back to discuss friendship, art, and video games!This episode is brought to you by DraftKings.com and DollarShaveClub.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, I'd eat a bunch of poo, roll it in a ball, and put it in my pants. Hey, I've just eaten my own poo, but it previously was your own poo. If I were you. Go Jake. Yeah. Yo, if I were you, I'd eat your pee. You're not me. Why would you eat pee?

Can I have pee? Why can't you see? Let's drink pee. Thomas' pee. Now it's Amir's turn. If I were you, don't eat anything, don't go to the mall with Scooby-Doo, don't solve some mysteries with a Mr. P or a Mr. T, because I pity the fool who doesn't go to school. So stay in school, and that's our rap.

Stay in school. Thank you, everybody. Welcome to the show. A little explanation. If you're listening at home, we're recording- No need to explain anything. Okay, let's get started. That made sense to everybody.

We're recording this at South by, South by Southwest in Austin. A few people to thank Thomas for, this is his idea, this whole thing is your own child. Yeah, here we are, coming at you live from the South by Southwest. No, thank you. He didn't tell you to introduce anything. Premium Platinum Lounge at the Vimeo Hut. So let's, okay, let's start that again. I'm going to say thank you, Thomas, and you say, yeah, it's good to be here.

Thanks for being here. Thanks to be here. Thank you. Watch's coming out later. You didn't say that. You didn't say what we told you to say. Thank you to Vimeo for housing us. This whole studio is their creation.

They're paying for it. We're not paying anything. Thank you to Vimeo's money. Alex Sexton, who brought the microphones and camera to help record this whole thing. So thank you, Alex. He wanted me to give a shout out to his dog. His dog, Batman. Yes.

Batman? And then also... Oh, Batman. Not Batman. Batman. That wouldn't make any sense. It was Batman. Well, you know, Doxons have back troubles.

Is he a Doxon? Well, if he was, and maybe he had back troubles, you call him Batman. Also thank you to Bethany and remind me of the website one more time. Lost in Reviews. We tweeted that we needed cameras and microphones, and Bethany was the first one to get back to us. So thanks, Bethany. Thank you.

Word. What are we doing here? This is just a classic if I were you. Yeah. Setting the premium platinum Vimeo hut here at South by Southwest later on. We got Reggie Watts. We don't have that in here. We got the ghost of Dom Deloise coming at you.

I fear you're over-promising, and we're going to have to deliver. We deliver. This is an advice podcast. So we get emails, too. If I were you at gmail.com, people are in need of our advice, and sometimes Jake and I give it, and sometimes we have a friend, and sometimes that friend is T-Middle Ditch. T-Squiddle Snurch. I can't wait to sink.

T-Squiddles, let's do it, Steve. I can't wait to sink my teeth into a good helping of advice. You like the advice part of the show. I do. Yeah. Because I like it. It's just us girls and guys chatting and gagging. And not having, gagging, chilling.

Chilling, maxing. Relaxing, all cool. We're recording this on video, too. So if you want to watch it later in this week, we're going to put it on our YouTube channel. Are we going to be able to watch the whole thing or just little bits and boxes? The whole fucking thing. Nasty. Oh wait.

It's perfect. It's funny when it cuts off early. Can you make any beat with that thing? Uh-huh. All right, let's get started. As long as they already made it over there. I can try pressing other buttons. Here we go, no, here we go, no.

It's disgusting. Get filthy. You're wrapped up by getting filthy. And eating poop. Yeah dude. Like it's not even get filthy, like sexual. It's like get filthy, roll up poop and pee. Yeah man, get nasty.

It's really gross though. Ain't nobody got time for that. Hey Rodney, it's just a bit of a tish. Okay, it's just a bit of a tish. Got it, here we go. No, because it doesn't work. If I do a joke. Got it, got it, got it.

You know. Here we go. Just wait for the joke. Okay. A, that's way too early. Okay. And B? And B, it's not just bit them tish, okay?

No, that's tish tish, boom boom tish. Okay, it's a lot of tish tish. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay, here we go. Sure. A nun, a priest, and an alligator walking to a bar. Ouch! You gotta wait for the...

I did, I did, I did. I heard, I heard ouch, which I think was the punchline, right? No, okay. A nun, a priest, an alligator walking to a bar. Ouch! That's very close. It's surprising. So I have the job.

Yeah, oh yes. All right, you want to answer some questions? Yeah, just jump right in. Do we explain what it was? We answer questions. Yeah, well I think I did that. This is, isn't this episode 400? This is officially episode 400.

We skipped 320 episodes over here. All right, we need a guy's name. Thomas, can you give us a guy's name? Oh, Marvin Shulgewitz. Your lawyer. My lawyer's CPA. Hey guys, here's the problem. I'm a 21-year-old Welsh lad and I've been best friends with my brother from another mother

for several years. We grew up as kids together and to be honest, I love that son of a bitch. However, I live in Wales and he moved to London a while ago and every time he visits Wales or I go to London, we always meet up and go for a pint or a bite to eat. But recently, he's got a girlfriend. Now, don't get me wrong, she's a lovely girl, but that bitch is stealing my best bud.

The last two times he's been down to Wales, I've barely seen him. The most recent of which, he didn't even text me to say he was down here. We made plans to do stuff like two weeks before he headed down, but when he came, it was nothing but radio silence. Help me out guys, what am I supposed to do? Love? Solomon Shulgewitz? Marvin Shulgewitz.

Boogie Boogie. Just but I'm ticked. Absolutely. Have you ever encountered such a thing? I've been that guy. Which guy? Marvin and his friend? Marvin, where he's like, hey, where are we hanging out? Yeah, but then again, I've also been the other guy.

And when you're the other guy, you're like, oh, Marvin's being a wiener. That was where I just went. Marvin's a little bit of a wiener. I tell him to relax. Am I alone? Well, you would want to and you're okay in saying that. Appreciate that. But, you know, you gotta take care of Marvin's feelings because Marvin misses you.

Oh, all right, cool. So I'll be the, I'm the friend. I'll be Marvin. All right. I'll be Welsh. Yeah, this is a classic Welsh. So we're in Wales. Yeah.

I miss you. Oh, you think Welsh people are just cavemen from London? I guess. Well, do you guys hibernate when you have girlfriends? Isn't that a common thing? Like once you were in a relationship, it's like, oh, I haven't seen my friends in six months. I think you don't, you hook her down. You hook her down for just a little bit.

You don't go away forever. You go in. Yeah, just for six months where you get to know everybody and alienate all, or you have to know one person and alienate all your friends. And then you come out of your hibernation. Because he's also got double duty with Johnny Awesome going to London town. Well, here's the problem. I clean them chimney sweeps.

Johnny Awesome going to London town, double duty. Yeah, double duty. God, you're cool. I teach you how to talk. I teach you how to speak to you. You have, the problem is you have a new girlfriend and an old best friend. And who would you rather let down? Probably the old best friend because he's like, I'm committed.

I'm invested. I have, I have like a history with this friendship. So you can let down your old friend and he'll still be there. You can't let down your new girlfriend. Yeah. That's like a very fragile. It's like an injured bird. Yeah.

And the injured Bjork. The injured Bjork. The injured Bjork. It's a dangerous attitude to have to be like, I can let down my old friend because he'll always be there. Bro's gotta understand. Bro's gotta understand. Right.

That's what I'm saying. I'm more along with lines of like, this guy needs to shape up and be like supportive of his friend in the relationship. Because he doesn't have a gyner and the girl does. Oh. That's a major difference between him and the girl. How's that? Well.

Do you want to? I guess. Have you guys not talked about this yet? Google vagina on your phone. What is that? V-A-G. V-A-G. Google vagina.

Is that in a HAP? Siri. Siri Google vagina. Siri show me your vagina. Oh my God. It's the lady who plays Siri. She's done soft core porn. She's beautiful.

Well, also I feel like Marvin might have an interesting new perspective. Should he finally meet a dame or a lass? As he might say in Wales. I've been sad for four months. Oh my God. I'm so sorry to hear that. You really? Sorry.

He meets a lass and suddenly he's like, well now I'm intertwined in the lady. Yeah. So he's Jamaican? Yeah. Welsh. Yeah. And then he might gain some perspective because it's nice to fall in love, especially with a pretty, pretty lady with the tatas and the titties.

It's hard, isn't it? It's hard. I mean, I think we've all been in love with ladies with titties and tatas. Yeah, sure. I guess I've been in love with a lady with titties and tatas. But it's hard to balance that new relationship with old friendships. Do you just ignore your friends? No.

You have to be like, you know what? I accept what you're going through and you take a step back. You're like, my friend's going to disappear for a couple months to a year. And then a year. A year. Yeah. Maybe. A year flies by and he barely sees his dude anyway.

They only hang out in Wales. He's already moved. They should have broken up months and years ago. They only see each other a couple of times a year in Wales. That's fine. Forget it. You're done. They're not your friend anyway.

I think so. So what's your advice to this guy? Get over it or have a talk with your friend? Definitely don't have a talk. Oh, such a weird thing for a guy to have a talk with me about a friendship. Hey, man. We don't see enough of each other. I've had that talk given to me and it is awkward.

I think if you ever have that talk, you should bring it up as if you were a construction worker. Hey, bro. Come on. We got to hang out a little bit more. You'll sit down and say, hey, I have something to talk to you about. Yeah. No auntie. Don't do that, please.

Wait, what was that? No auntie. No. No. No, please. That's also Welsh. No. I believe that's Malaysian.

See, I mean, just tell your friend that in a joking way rather than actually sitting down. I don't think you don't even need to do a joke and you can do it real. But just don't be like, hey, man, we need to talk like that's no bueno. Then suddenly he's in another relationship with a male friend platonically. Not worth it. What's worth it? You can have heart to hearts. You can have heart to hearts with your male friends.

I don't know. If someone tried to have a heart to heart with me, I'd be like, no. Really? I don't, I think so. Wait, let me check. Yeah, I'm sure of it. I would not have a heart to heart with a friend. You'd never have a heart to heart?

I think I definitely deflected. You host a show where it's advice about potential personal problems that are deep and affected and you'll never have a heart to heart. You're right, you're right, you're right. You guys talk. I'm going to retreat into myself for a second. I mean, I'm too, I'm like kind of incapable of being emotionally intelligent enough to have a very serious heart to heart with a male counterpart.

You guys. That's actually, put the beat back on. Heart to heart with a male counterpart? We spent too much time apart being my male counterpart. It's like when you have a heart to heart. Is this crazy? It turned into like Slampho. That's what Jake's really good at.

Cause I can't do anything to a beat. Yeah. And you can't go fast enough. Slampho tree is like for rappers. You can't go fast enough. You know what I mean? Hello. I'm here.

Let's answer the next question. What's your advice to us? See, this is what I'm talking about. This is what I'm talking about. He's incapable of opening up. You can't open up. I'm so stupid. You would say get over it.

Bottle up your emotions inside and just you'll see your friend in a year. Yeah. I think everything's going to work out fine. That steel mill we've been talking about. Oh, nice. I couldn't even tell him it was an insult to you guys high five. That's not a high five, you ding dong. Now go join the baseball team or get out of my lawn.

Get out of my lawn? Yeah, man. It's enclosed. You think I'm going to leave this up to the sun? Ding dong. It could be enclosed and still be under the sun. You're all out of here. You know what?

Both of you has joined the baseball team. Out of my lawn or I'm calling the coppers. I'm not in your lawn. But I'm Pish. That's all it is. Absolutely. And I will for the next one. Well, I don't know.

I think if it's really eating you up. If you were, if I were you, if I were you, what would you do? Okay. You had a friend, great friend. He had a lady friend and he just didn't see. He didn't call you when he visited LA. This is such a sensitive position to put yourself in. Like if I had a friend, if I had a friend and they were like, Hey, we don't wait.

Fuck. If I had a friend and he got a girlfriend and they didn't see me anymore. I would just be like, fine. That's okay. There's no friend that you would go and make another friend. But do you say that now? Well, you'll be my friend, sir. I lost my friend.

Maybe you're being a ding dong. Well, now look, you're a handsome charming man with oodles and oodles of confidence. Appreciate that. Amir, what do you have to say about me? We're just okay. Okay. You're also older, a little wiser. This man's 21.

No. Oh, sorry. You're talking about Noah. Yeah. Well. His name was Marvin. I just said, oh yeah. I just had my 82nd birthday.

Oh, wow. That's kind of cute. This guy in the question is 21. Yeah. He's Marvin. Marvin. He's a little bit younger. Maybe this is his one true boy.

Did I tell you too? Well, no. Don't say I'm fucking scared of the moon. I'm not. That's it. That's perfect. Pirate on LSD. I don't understand what that's.

So the thing is, there's a pirate door. Yeah. Hey. Hey. Welcome friends. So people are going to be coming in and out. It's fun. It's casual.

It's friendly. Let's make sure that never happens again though. Anything can happen at the South by Southwest Platinum Premium Video. Of course. But let's make sure it never does. All right, man. Next up. Let's do this one more time before we, let's move on after we take a vote because there's

about like nine people in this room. No, let's just move on. All right. Question number two. No, no, no. Let's take a vote. Would you have a talk? I think you can bring it up.

Just don't do, just if you feel like it's going to start off with like, hey man, we need to talk, then you're doing it right. The question is this. You live in New York and you have a friend who lives in LA and he has a girlfriend in New York and he visits the girl. I got more though. Okay. You can't give him the address.

This is going to be fine. We can't got to get your attention. You can't tell him though to sort of be like, I need to see more time with, I need to have more time with you. That's weird. You can just sort of express it and say, hey man, I miss you. I miss you. Oh, bollocks, mate.

Nice. Thanks. I can't see you because I'm cleaning damn chimneys. We're dog shit. Yeah, man. I cannot see you, man. I cannot see you, man. Wait, so what's the vote?

Have a conversation versus find a new friend. All right. So have a conversation. Raise your hand. Two, three, four. Thank you, women. They're all off camera. So one, two, three, four.

Find a new friend. Oh, wow. Four. It's legit split. I want the first group. It was all ladies and a Tender Man. I think it's safe to say he's a Tender Man. Well, yeah.

Brian Tender Man. So this question came from a dude, about a dude. So all the dudes, they voted no conversation, find a new friend. The question, the podcast is what would you do if you were you? If I were you? So you, Thomas would have a point. So it's a wrong answer. I mean, so there's no answer to give him a point.

There's definitely no wrong answer, but I got the answer that was corroborated by the question. Flip was chilling. What would you, you would have a talk, you would not, I would probably not. I think it's okay to express it, but you just can't be like, Hey, I want to, I need to spend more time with you. Because then that's just like, it's intense. Yeah.

It makes him feel bad for having a lady friend. Yeah. And he shouldn't. You should be happy that he's found love. That's what I'm saying. It's just a little backwards. I know. I understand.

And I'll get it next time. Okay. And after a joke, right? Yeah. New question for the punchline. New question. Let's get a round of applause. It's fun to have applause.

Yeah. That was good. Why not? Yeah. I, you know, it's weird. It's cause. Yeah. This is all.

This is weird. Like we're chatting. Like, oh, we're having a conversation. The weed brownie. But there's this. Yeah. Yeah. It's like the bachelor.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Let me read this. He's not in it for love. He's in it for the wrong reasons. Right. Reasons. Yeah. Season.

Okay. No, there's like. He's touched on to me. I love it. There's. Okay. So we're having a conversation. Welcome.

Welcome. Welcome. And then, but then it's intimate. It's about advice. And there's. And then every time you glance over, there's people watching. Yeah. Yeah.

Cause usually when we record this, a lot of people hear it, but we don't actually see them here. No, it's in a room. It's in your solarium. Of course. All right. We're going to ask. Or sorry.

Answer another questions. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um. Um.

All right. This one is from a college dude. Can you give us a name and read the question like a college dude? Oh. Riley Crilexon. Riley writes. Yeah. Riley writes.

Hey, dudes. What's up? This past fall, I moved into a college apartment with my two bros from back home in brackets and a random fourth roommate who's never here since it is a college apartment. We don't have much room to make the space our own. I just need you to do an apostrophe after do and and before T. Thanks. We have a couple posters up some lights, pretty typical college stuff. Some what?

I hope that I hope that has nothing to do with the rest. He just wants you to know that don't worry is on there or like clothes or whatever. It's D's. It's like eight out of ten. Only after we got back from winter break. We had the idea to decorate a blinder so tight. Yeah, man. Get it tight, man.

I fucked like 30 girls like skin ten to decorate a blank wall with pictures. We draw drew it could be draw pictures. We draw that last sentence one more time. This is the correct. Recently after we got back from winter break. We had the idea to decorate a blank wall with pictures. We draw. Sure.

It fucks me out. I think it's true. Right? Yeah. Drew carry. Nonsense. Continue. That's no.

He wrote that. No. With the note. I thought it was pretty cool. I thought it was a pretty cool idea and it looked cool at first, but now our wall is almost completely completely full with art. We aren't master artists each still each piece looks cool by itself, but looking at the whole wall, it just looks like crazy people scribbling and taping art to walls.

My roommate thinks it's pretty dope. Still I've grown to dislike it. This is the best. I feel weird about inviting people over, especially girls. I'm interested in having them see a whole wall of drug induced art. I think a couple of pictures would be all right, but it's come to the point where we're overlapping. It just looks tacky slash lame to me.

I wish we'd take down most of them and leave only a few of the really cool ones up. Is there any way I could bring this up to my roommate so that I get them getting mad at me? These guys would be my best friends since grade school, except for the fourth guy and they still and they are still really into putting pictures up and spent tons of time doing so. So I feel like a jerk if I just straight up ask them to take it down signed Riley Crierler son.

All right. Great job. Thank you. God, I don't want you to be anybody but that guy for the rest of your life. Dude, later on you can get this pretty sick fatty burrito. Really? Yeah, man. They mashed the rice up so it's kind of like a like a chewy rice paste and they put grilled

two canis and onions in there. Dude, no, I'm serious. They put like new like nutritional yeast, like new child up in there, sprinkle a little diet cheese, completely vegan. You're a vegan frat boy. Yeah, dude. But I still slight pus. Isn't that meat?

Yeah. Sick. I guess I am a carnivore. You got to go. Put them. Absolutely. All right. Riley knows.

What an insane small stakes high stakes problem. He's like, I thought it'd be chill if we put art up and now it's like, oh, this art's actually not chill. Let's take them all down except for the chillest ones, which are probably the ones he drew. I could see that being a good idea. And then when like when it's all up, you're like, look at all them crazy man scribbles. That makes, there was a time when I was in high school. I had the basement.

It was kind of chilly. Yeah. So my parents let me paint this room in the basement. And I thought it was going to be really cool to like put paint on my hands and put hand prints all over the wall. Ooh. And I thought, that's kind of cool. That's kind of hard to see.

It's chill. Yeah. And then I did that. And then like every time I was downstairs in the basement alone, there's just like hand prints. Hand prints everywhere. It felt like I was going to get killed. You're like a mad man.

Yeah. Yeah. It was really scary. Riddle me this. Riddle me that. But it's like that only your friends did the hand prints and you wanted to paint over them. I feel like, well, I guess what I'm saying is like, it's all going to be fine.

I think you could. You're going to leave this place in so short of a time. Yeah. I also think you can bring it up, but you've got to respect democracy. Like if you bring up like, dude, are we sure we want it? I don't really love this anymore. It's like not even democracy. It's like, I feel like it's got to be unanimous.

Maybe. Yeah. But what if what if he goes, I don't know if I like this anymore. And including the fourth weirdo, they're all like, what are you talking about, Riley? Well, that's, you have to go to every single conversation with a very open mind. Like, hey, look, so he's got to, he could talk to his roommates with no expectation of this shit is coming down. I have a good idea.

But okay, go ahead. You talk to one that's the most on the fence and you start to tip the scales in your favor. It's so unemployed. See, like you like get one on your side and it's like, oh, me and Brody, we're talking about it and we don't really like it anymore. Suddenly it's two on two. One on three is a little intimidating. Brody and Riley.

Because you're in the minority. Yeah. Brody, Riley, who are the other two roommates? Oh, there's Brody, there's Riley, there's Taylor, and then there's Stream. We never see that. Stream. Are you sure you live with him? His name's on the list is Stream.

Have you never seen him? Yeah, man. That's what I'm saying. What are you saying? That's exactly what I'm saying. Have you ever seen him? No. And he is your roommate though.

Does he pay rent? Yeah. How does it arrive? The rent? No, I don't know. It's just on the kitchen table. What is dad's a guarantor? Yeah.

What's his dad's name? Corner. Corner pays for Stream's rent. You've never seen Stream and there's one to check once a month. Dude, it's Corner. It's like we have three people living in a four-person spot, man. Sure. Why are you guys pissed at this?

You're just jelly, dude. See, it's gel. We're not jelly, I'm just trying to... You don't want to put a light up because you could be the gel over it. What? The gel, I took a bit of stagecraft. You accidentally took it to a Hollywood thing. I was singing theater, but whatever.

Good man. The board's the board. Guys, check week was hell, but I was outside at intermission. I know, bad bad. People are talking. Any theater students listening to that would be like, Yay! I'm laughing at it.

Yeah, it's cold. It's cold. I think it's a very... You just bring it up, like, hey, do we want this? I want to bring it over here. I would just take down a couple of things I didn't like. One at a time, one a day. Who got rid of the shit that I drew?

No, no, I don't know. That's bad news. You start fires with that because then it's like... Another option. I like that one. No, you don't get it, dude. That one was my favorite. That was my favorite too.

I'm pissed that it's gone. You took it, dude. No, I didn't, man. You did. I think it was Stream. Stream. Stream comes in, sneaks in in the middle of the night, leaves a check and takes a picture down.

Who took it down? I don't know, it must have been Stream. You know Stream. I don't know. By the way, that's how you wrote to Romero. Everybody else, hey, man, I think these art, like, these art pieces are really cool. Stream hates them.

Yeah. Stream, blame it on the fourth weirdo. So what would you do if I were you? If I were you, I'd just be like, I'm dudes, bros, I love you, and this is, I'm kind of losing interest in this. It looks like a crazy person. I want to bring Puss over here and slay it.

Yeah. Can you imagine a college girl seeing that and being turned off? Like, college girls are used to the most absolute squalor. I can't imagine art doing that. He's a girl at a time like really, really refined taste or something. He's in college just figuring out for the first time

that he doesn't like random. He's bringing over like a 38 year old museum docent to their house. He's ashamed that Shannon from the Met is gonna see it. Oh no, dudes. How did you even meet this 38 year old intelligent, highly intelligent docent? You're 21.

And Shannon's like, no, no, no, I get it. I get what you've done here. Whoa. Have me. I want you all to have me. No. On top of this bad art. No.

Righteous. He'll be Bill and Ted. So you would bring it up? Yeah, why not? I mean, don't bottle it in, boys. I would bottle it in. This is the second bottle it in advice. That's true.

How do you function? I'd start pinning, man. I would just be like thinking about my new place outside of like no more, like no three roommates and just me. Pinning, you mean having a Pinterest mood board? Yeah, dude, I have a Pinterest. This guy's 21 and in college. He's not going solo for a while.

I was solo when I was 21. Yeah. What do you mean? Yeah. You said that like it wasn't. Yeah. Yeah, but you had a ton of art that you drew on the wall. You know, not everyone's top shelf premium dollar,

Bill's green bets, fat stacks, Mr. White. Excuse me, dude. I was broke. My father paid for my apartment. Yeah, exactly. I know. I'm just kidding. Thanks, daddy.

But um, tish, that was just a boom. Oh, sorry. Got it. OK. Next time. And again, punchline. Wait for that. Absolutely.

Your acknowledgment is like a wet mouth movement. Got it. Remind Stimpy. New question? Is it time? Let's do one more. You almost did it. Let's take a break and then do one more question.

We'll be right back with Thomas. There it is. Woo! Yeah! This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional license

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Just use that offer code IFIWAREYOU to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back with Thomas. That was fun. What did you think of the commercial break? Man, I can't wait to buy whatever that was. I absolutely.

I absolutely. I mean, if it was. Do you have anything you wanted to plug? What a weird time it was for me to ask that. There's a bunch. OK. You got Silicon Valley coming out, April 12th. 8th of season two.

Yeah. HBO, right after Game of Thrones. You got, if you have Disney XD, or even if you just want to buy it on iTunes, there's pin zero part time hero. Great for kids, but me as an adult, I love it. On the voice of pen, I'm a part time hero. I zap in and out of dimensions with my best friends.

I thought you were just playing something that you kind of like, tying me up. It's a cartoon. It's real fun. Also, Jesus Christ, you're a busy guy. We do just this. Just this, a new show on MTV too. Also on Saturdays, I'll be trolling

for D on Hollywood Boulevard dressed as a lady. But what else? What else? I tell you this, I just started a Twitch account, where I'm playing videos. Now, tell me about that. Now, what is that? God, your voice sucks.

You're nervous. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What is a Twitch? I want one of these now. This is me now, I think. That's how you're going to see it. You're taking that out too often tonight. Is there a world where I can put this in my mouth?

Absolutely not. Put this in the small of my back, and just, I think people would notice. Mini-mechanical thing, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. That's my Missy Elliot. That's how out of touch I am with hip hop. Sorry, what is it, Twitch?

Wait, Twitch, if you don't know twitch.tv, it's essentially YouTube for video games. I mean, pretty much you log on to someone's channel and watch them play video games or talk about video games or whatever. It's like gameplay with maybe a little inlay of a webcam footage or whatever. Some people have full-on productions.

It would just be me. I've already done a session of Total Waratilla. What? Yeah. What is that game? This is DeepCutsNerd. Only people who are into PC gaming will know. Anybody know what this means?

Wow. And we are in a room full of computer programmers who are like, hell no. I would not do that shit. They're busy doing video games. Someone just yielded a loser from the back as he was talking. Well, he's a 90-pound white kid. Here's the cool thing, is how Twitch functions

is you subscribe to someone's channel, and that's money that gets split between Twitch and the user. Oh, how much does it cost to subscribe to your channel? I think, I don't know. This will be the first time I've sort of worked it out with Twitch. Oh, you can choose the channel? You figure it out, I think. I don't really know.

I'm learning. I'm learning. Gotcha. What's cool, what I'm more excited about is the majority of anything that gets subscribed to me, I'm going to donate to charities. Environmental charities, which happens to be a passion of mine. So watch out Sierra Club.

You're getting $200. Why do they have to watch out? Watch out. Better make way in the bank account. Oh, you think there's a maximum? Yeah, you'd better shove some of those gold coins aside. Is that? Because it's $200.

You think it's a physical space, and they're going to run out of room? Maybe. It's not like you're angry, and you don't want to help the charity. Maybe. It's half a $200. So $100.

That's even less likely to fill up their bank account. Is it? Of course. So that's what I'm excited about. So how can they find that? Twitch what? Twitch, oh, it's the same as my Twitter handle is MiddleDitch. So you're just going to Twitch, and you look up

the username MiddleDitch. After I made that, many users were like, you should have done MiddleTwitch. And I was like, yeah, I should have. I'm an idiot. But now it's nice and simple. MiddleDitch for all. Yeah, MiddleDitch for all.

Yes. That's my policy. It was fun. The first time. I mean, no one knows what Total War is and all that kind of stuff. I had like, you know, like 1,200 people watching this. Jesus Christ.

They put it on the main page. It got linked to Kotaku if you don't know that. They got linked to Kotaku? Kotaku! Are you kidding me? Oh! Andreska! Oh, Takogokai!

Yeah, man. It was fun. It's a very popular video game blog. He came out. It's coming out. No, no, it's there. And you do a show at like UCB or whatever that's, you know, maybe 100, 200 or something.

You know, I managed to reach out and connect with a bunch of people. It was really fun. Everyone was like praising the nerdiness and I liked it. That's awesome. I felt at home. So did they watch you while you play or they just see your screen?

They just saw my screen because I didn't have a webcam at that point. So they just saw Gameplay and me chatting and Gavin and talking in stupid voices. Holy shit. I'd watch that. Yeah, it was fun. You didn't even have to play a video game.

I'd just watch you chat to me or if I called you. All right, man. OK, chat to me. Hey, man. Next question. Anything else? That's it. Those are the big three.

Those are the big ones. Yeah, why not? Yeah. All right, cool. Thank you. You already answered one last question. Do you have time? Yeah, I'm here to.

Austin, bro. Yeah, dude. We're here at the Platinum Premium in the old lounge. Yeah, in five minutes we got ready to watch. DJ building up a guy who's never, ever, ever coming. Nice. Hey, man. Nice.

You got the voice of a goddamn angel. An angel who can sort of sing all right. We need a guy's name. Three guys in a row. Three guys. Do you want to read this question? Huh? Do you want to read this question?

Sure. His name, though, is Jake Hurwitz. Oh, my gee. Oh, shit. OK. Hi, guys. I'm a huge fan of the show, and I'm excited. I finally have a problem to get fixed by you guys.

To give some context, I'm in my second year of college. I had pretty low self-esteem through high school and my first year of college. But this past semester, I started working out and taking some pretty chill anti-depressants. Momma. Yeah, baby. And now I realize I'm a freaking pimp.

Oh, cool. This realization happened pretty late last semester, so I hooked up with two girls. One from Tinder, so thanks for the heads up, Jake. Now I just started into that. He wrote that. Now I just started into this relationship. My first real one ever.

We met in one of my classes about three weeks ago. I really like this girl. She's amazing, talented, sweet, funny. The problem is, I don't know if I'm actually ready to be in a relationship right now. I still want to experience different girls. And if I wasn't in a relationship, I have at least three girls that I could hook up

with within the week. Nasty. I know. That was like Paul Abruel. Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. Ta-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Da-da. She has had horrible experiences with guys in the past,

and I don't want to hurt her. Easy. I already know what my hands are. But I also feel like all these new, exciting experiences are passing me by. Plus, it might be pretty awkward seeing her in class three times a week if I broke up with her. What should I do, sincerely?

Jacob Hurwitz. Let's give it over, Jake Hurwitz. Hey, all right. Hi, J.K. So, this guy used to be depressed. Oh, shall he's now? Shall he's now the depressant's boss? Now, congratulations on taking life by the horns

and getting out of that stinky world. First and foremost, been there, man. It's good to get out. You're a beautiful butterfly now and no more caterpillar days for you. It's a great job. That being said, don't be selfish. No, what?

He's being selfish. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to break hearts and slam tarts. And no, no, no. If you're going to the oven, you're baking, you're staying in the kitchen. You're not gonna run around and go to restaurants. Oh.

I don't understand. He wants to fall in love and hit it and quit it with all the other dams. And unless she's cool that, I mean, come on. Well, she's not cool with it, but all right, well. She won't be cool that she's been burned. She's a tender flower. She's a tender flower.

Here's the sentence that I think is the most insightful. I still want to experience different girls. And if I wasn't in a relationship, I would have had at least three girls that I could hook up with within the week. Come on, man. It seems like he's just thinking about the three girls he could have hooked up with.

Also, if he could hook up with three girls within a week, he's not fully invested in his relationship. Oh, yeah. That means that takes work. Yeah. He's currently in the relationship with the girls. He's in a relationship. Oh, he's currently in?

Yeah. He's got a girlfriend. He thinks he can fuck three girls within seven days. I think that you're not paying enough attention to your girlfriend. Let me also say a little bit of this. It's total grass is greener. When you get into a relationship,

suddenly you have the confidence you wish you had when you were single. Oh. And that always happens. Explain that. You suddenly have your relationship, and you're like, oh, good. And then you suddenly feel that that's the only barrier

for you having eight threesomes all the time, which is not really the case. It's closer to six threesomes, probably. I mean, hello, you the man. He's in college. He's feeling confident. He's decided to presence for the first time. He shouldn't lock himself up with a girl.

I agree. I agree. I think you should break up with this girl, but not hurt or just in a nice polite way to say, I think you're great, and you deserve somebody who can be fully invested in this relationship. And I'm not, so I'm going to go away and try to have sex with, well, he wouldn't say this last part,

but try to have sex with three girls in seven days. I mean, that's only four days of breath. Three girls in a week? Are you kidding me? That's only four days of breath. That's what I'm saying. No, no, no. It could be one girl for more than one day.

Dude, you never know. I know. You could be fucking all day, every day. So what would that look like? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh my God. YOLO, YOLO, YOLO. Yo, check it out.

I think you can totally explain what he said in the email. Yo, I just cocooned. I had like, I've been in the dark world, and now it's a renaissance, and I like you a lot, but I gotta go learn the Enlightenment. What he's saying essentially is, I'm a butterfly for the first time.

Should I not fly? Let me, I'm a peacock, let me fly. Yeah, well peacocks can't fly, so that's what makes sense. No, you've not seen the other guys. But a peacock will, they'll fly, they'll fuck. You know, a peacock will do that thing with the big feathers, and of course,

he's got the feathers, you should show them to people. He's burning bright, baby. Let the moths come to the flame. And I do mean, come, hit it. This is our show. Thank you so much for watching. It was a Fire You with Thomas Middleton. Hey, oh, auntie.

Take us out. I'm taking you out. Let's do the singing. No, no, no, take me out to dinner. Oh, okay. What? But first, a song. A piece of just, okay.

Uh, auntie. Thank you. Thank you. For listening. Thank you. Welcome in to your own ears. We've come in and we've brought spears. We want your head.

Stop at nothing. Someone do my laundry. We're gonna murder everybody in this house. Thomas, thanks so much for coming by. And pleasure for having us. Namaste. And thanks to Vimeo. Thanks to Bethany and Alex Sexton.

What fun. We'll be back soon. Good night, everybody. People are talking. All right, great. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, guy, you know that you want to be the guy

that all your buds want to be. Oh, man, I want to party with him. Yeah, that guy. Well, then here's how you do it. Just listen to these two shows every week, the Art of Charm. We talk about how to create confidence, how to get people to like and trust you,

productivity, time management, biohacking, and more. And the chive. You never know who's gonna drop by the studio and you certainly never know what we're going to say to them. Download new episodes of the chive and the Art of Charm every week at podcast1.com. It's a guy. It's a guy thing, all right?

Be that guy.