If I Were You - 145: Stage Kiss

Episode Date: April 6, 2015

In this episode we discuss rebound relationships and masturbating in public.This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com, DraftKings.com, and DollarShaveClub.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Before we start, special shout out to ClamDip and Dave Rosenberg, stop, if I were you. Walking to a Starbucks, looking all around, picking up a gun, then a C on the ground, see a guy in a corner look a lot like Jake, he was a swiper right on Tinder, what a fucking mistake. Looking to the left, then I think I see a mirror, going zero to the D, but won't put it in the rear. They giving their advice to some punk-ass kid, if I were you, show now, you gotta just send it in. Have a Tinder with a girl who was looking kinda sad, everyone was gone and even her missing dad. John Wolf up to his dirty little trick, stealing candy from a baby, it is probably on his list. If you're walking outside, then be careful of the bird, watch you go to work, it's something I overheard,

getting so many guests, it's something I really love. Jake in a mirror, throwing the pieces up. Kyle Morris. Very tight flow. He had a good flow, the beat was from our boy, Hoodie Allen, but overall he had a tight flow. Yeah, most of all it was the tight flow. His name that he goes by on social media and stuff is K-Y-L-M-O-R-R. K-Y-L-M-O-R-R, so if you're looking for him on Facebook, SoundCloud, Instagram, and or Twitter, it's Kyle Moore.

Right. How does it work when people just take the beats to songs? Like, those are available? I think as long as you don't, as long as you're not making any money. I mean, like actually, like let's say I want the beat to an Eminem song. Somebody has extrapolated it and posted it online, or you have to recreate it. I don't know. I guess, I bet, you have to, people have to recreate it, right?

So I bet people have done that and it's online. Or does like when Eminem upload the song, you can like download it and like remove his track and then just leave the beat. I bet they probably try to make it so you can't do that. But I don't really know anything about music. Yeah. You should Google it and just see if you can get Eminem just the beat with the real Slim Shady. Oh, I bet you can. For sure.

Yeah, and then we can rap over it, because that's the bad part of us, we don't know how to make beats. Well, also, well personally I wouldn't be able to rap on the beat, so that's the bad part about me. Well, let's try to make a beat right now and see what happens. Okay. Do you want to do the doof doof doof or the melody part that like goes over it? I should do the doof doof doof. All right. So just like give me like the basic drum.

Doof. Doof. Doof. Doof. Doof. Doof. Doof. Doof.

Doof. Doof. Doof. Doof. Doof. Doof. Doof. Doof.

Doof. Doof. Doof. Doof. Doof. Doof. Doof. Doof.

Doof. Doof. Is this good? Because it felt right. You know, that actually reminds me of something that Global did. What? And that's all I mentioned, stealing candy from a baby, which as you know actually would be illegal. Yeah.

But I have seen him devise a way to get candy without a baby's consent. How's that? So he'll go up to a baby with a lollipop. The baby has a lollipop. Yeah, like a baby in a stroller with a lollipop. So you're talking about John Wolf here. Global, global John Wolf, of course. And he'll say to the mother or the father, whoever's walking it, like, I'm walking it.

Like a dog, like a dog. Walking the stroller. Gotcha. He'll say, I'm so sorry. I'm diabetic. I need a sugar fix. I would never do this, but like I don't have any money. Can you please help me out?

And the mother, the father looks around helpless. Because he's like sort of well put together, but it's kind of creepy. Yeah, but he's like a little sweaty. He's like, I'm really sorry. I would never do this. And they could see as like car keys and a phone, so they don't think he's like a crazy homeless person, right? Yeah. So he, so they'll say, and they're far from a store.

Of course, he makes sure to do this far from like a 7-Eleven. So they can't just give him some money and say, go find a store. So he'll like that. He'll prown residential areas. He needs this sugar fix now. And they, they don't have any choice. They take the candy from the baby, which they're allowed to do because they bought the candy in the first place. They're the parents.

Yeah. And they hand it to John Wolf. The kid cries. He says, I can't believe I'm doing this. I never thought I'd steal candy from him. Yeah. And then sometimes John's like, this is so bizarre, but can I actually take the candy out of the baby's hands? Yeah.

Like he, he gets off to that little thrill. The craziest that little legal thrill. He walks away sort of like, almost like a, like a super, like a, like a Jason Bourne walking away from an exploding building. Yeah, he never looks back. Never looking back. Kid crying behind it. Parent trying to comfort this kid to no avail. Yeah.

And he tosses the candy in a garbage can. Subtle. Holy shit. Subtle. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. Um, it's an advice podcast.

People will email us their questions to IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com and we do our best to offer our advice. Um, sometimes we tell stories about John Wolf, this brazen social vigilante. An anti-hero of all sorts. A jack of six trades and a master of four. Uh, all right. Do you have a name for this first person? These are real emails from real people. We're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity.

Let's name all these people after cities that we're going to in Australia. That's right. We're coming to Australia to do this live on-stick note. Muy bueno. See you down under. See you're a Spanish-Australian. I didn't know how to say down under in Australian. Down under is down under in Australian.

You mean Spanish? What? Uh, all right, so this is a lady. Let's call her Adelaide. Well, that's really, that's actually a nice name for a girl. It really is. Adelaide writes, This is all hypothetical, but I know my ex well enough to know that he would almost be definitely upset.

Maybe understandably so? Question mark. Thank you for your potential help with my potential problem. Love Adelaide. Oh, Adelaide. Just try not having a boyfriend. You've, you've, you can't, this is why you can't have nice things. She had one boyfriend broke up with him and started dating another guy and now she wants to break up with him.

After like a week or two. Yeah. Immediately. And then she wants to go back to the first guy but is afraid that she'll be, that first guy will be jealous if she stays friends with guy number two. Well, that'll definitely happen, but I want to, I want to infer a little bit here. Uh-huh. So let's see, let's, let's zoom out. Uh-huh.

She broke up with guy number one. Yeah. To date guy number two. Yeah. Big mistake right off the bat. Why? When you are breaking up with someone because you think you've fallen for someone, like because things got rocky and you've fallen for someone else. You didn't really fall for anybody else.

You fell for the idea of a better relationship outside of your relationship. Interesting. That's a good, that's a, that's a, that's a severe claim you're making. Yes. But you are resolute. I am resolute. I am definite. I am adamant.

You are Adelaide. And I'm adamant for Adelaide. This is the point that I, that must be made. So you broke up with your boyfriend. Great decision. You were unhappy after two years. It was rocky. You were looking elsewhere for love.

With guy number one. With, yeah. With guy number one. She was looking for guy number two. Yeah. But yeah. So she was, it was definitely time to break up with guy number one. Uh-huh.

She immediately started dating guy number two. Uh-huh. That's where your good decisions ended. You should not have gotten immediately into another relationship for a bandaid. This is, it's a, I mean, I'm not the first person to comment like this. It's what they call a rebound. It's a cliche. What is it?

What's the psychology behind the rebound? I don't know what the psychology behind it is, but I think it's just like you, you're single. You feel like you need somebody. You feel like. But you think that person is usually a fake, a phony, a shell. A red herring. Because you're like, oh my God, this person isn't my boyfriend.

And he was such a piece of shit. I'm going to go all in on this dude. Oh. Or this girl. Like this is perfect. This is what my last relationship was missing. And everything different. Yeah.

But every, you don't, it's not necessarily good. It's just not the same. That's what it was exciting to you. Oh, interesting. But now she's realizing, she's realizing here, let's go, let's keep on following this. She's realizing here that she doesn't want to be with this guy. So time to break up. That's a good decision.

But to get back with your ex, that would be another bad decision. Right. There's a reason you broke up. Every time you've considered breaking up, I applaud you. And every time you consider jumping into another relationship, I laud you. I really do laud you. I cheers you for the breakup and I cheers you for the getting back together. It's kind of like a dog or a baby with a short term memory.

It's like, you give it a blue ball. They're like, all right, blue ball. Yeah. And then they're like, get kind of bored of it. And you give them a red ball. Like, oh, red ball even better. And then they get bored with it. And then you're like, oh, what about this blue ball?

That's new. That's different blue ball. Like, wait a minute. You were hanging out with the blue ball before the red ball. He's like, no, I don't know. I don't know about that. I can only think about this currently. Only the red ball and the blue ball are human beings with feelings and emotions.

Well, that's the problem. And you're just biting them and swinging them around in your mouth and tossing them into the dirt in the yard. What you should do is add a third person to this rotation. That way they don't feel like they're going back and forth. And I guess just to also answer a question, of course your boyfriend would be jealous. And of course you would have good reason to be. You would be close with the person you broke up with him for.

You can't do that. Sorry. Maybe if it's like a friend that like, I shouldn't say maybe, but like, boy friends are cool, should be cool with like, oh, this guy was my friend before you. And we're just friends now. Okay, that's fine. Or, oh, I met this guy and he, he's cool, but in a friend way. It's like, all right, that's a little bit fishier, but that's fine.

But it's like, I want to hang out with a guy that I dumped you for again. And like, that's, I think I have to draw the line. I don't know if I can hang out with you if you do that. Yeah. At least that's what I would do if I was a boyfriend. And if you have an inkling that he's going to be extremely jealous, then he's going to be twice that jealous. Yeah.

What was I going to say? Oh, have you ever gotten back together after breaking up? Yeah. A long time ago. And I don't think it was like, I definitely wasn't a healthy thing to do. Yeah. It seems like there's, that's a low, I guess all relationships have a low rate of survival, but like the getting back together with somebody seems especially low.

Yeah. I think that's a hard feat to pull off, not saying it can't be done. No, I know, I know someone who did that and got married to that person. Right. Well, that's great. But I think at the very least this girl needs to spend some time being single because it sounds like you just had two bad relationships and you're, you think those are the only two options.

Well, I hate a guy number one, so I went out with guy number two, but I don't like him that much. So I'll go back to guy number one. There's three billion guys in the world. Yeah. So try any, you, you struck out with two. Yeah. Let's try a third, fourth, fifth, sixth, we'll just keep on going down the line, but not

going back to anyone until you've had at least a higher sampling than just the next guy. All right. That's it. We need another girl's name. It's got to be Sydney. Yeah. It will be Sydney. So here's the deal.

My boyfriend's roommate, Brian, recently started dating one of my really close friends, Emily, and they're very much into each other. I was super excited for her until last week when I found out something very weird and very gross about Brian. A couple months ago, one of the female roommates in my apartment caught Brian masturbating with his door open and he made eye contact with her. Come on, dude. About a week later, one of the other roommates in the apartment caught Brian masturbating

with the door open again. They had to talk with him about it and were like, hey, close the door, please. And then a week later, it happened again. The roommates all had a meeting about it the other day and decided it was best to kick him out. Brian claimed he has some sort of impulse control problem and it's a product of his depression, but I'm pretty sure he just likes masturbating in front of people and wants to be caught, right? Also, I should mention, even though his door is wide open, he keeps sitting in a very specific position on his bed so you can see him through the crack between the wall and the hinges.

How do I tell my friend Emily about this? They haven't been dating that long, but she's super into him. Do I give Brian a chance to tell her before I tell her? Ugh. Is he a murderer? What would you do? Thanks. Love, Sidney.

Is he a murderer? I guess he didn't kill anyone yet. All right. So let's once, one under that. It sounds like he's a sexual deviant. A pervert. If you will. Masturbating with the door open once could be a mistake, but three times is a trend.

Right. And this guy's just doing it. Shame on you. Shame on me. Arrest me. That's how it goes. Yeah. So I guess this guy gets off to the fact that he might be caught.

It's weird that he says that it's a result of his depression. Right. I don't know enough about any of that stuff to comment on it, but at the very least, if it was my friend dating that person, I would bring her up to speed for sure. Yeah. At the very least, you can tell her the whole story, including the depression part. That way, it's not like you accusing anybody. Just by the way, including Brian's point, or at least what Brian presented as his point

of view. Yeah. Because I bet if he tells your roommate or your friend the story, he'll leave a lot of stuff out. Yeah. Like he'll mention the depression part. Right. And maybe not the masturbating three times in the house meetings.

It's hard. He ignored. When someone has depression, you like want to like be like, oh, this, we should help them as much as possible. But what if he has depression and then also like does something bad? Right. He uses it as a get out of jail free card. Yeah.

It's like completing the insanity defense at a court after you murder somebody. But also like just because he, if he has depression and impulse control problems, then maybe he does deserve somebody's help, but he doesn't necessarily deserve this girlfriend. Right. If she doesn't want to deal with any of that stuff. It's early in a relationship. Yeah. That just explains why he did it.

It doesn't like sit. It doesn't absolve him of the fact that it did happen. Yeah. Okay. We understand the reasons that you masturbated three times with your doors open. Yeah. That does mean we don't want to live with you. That was like, I was listening to another podcast, I think.

Oh, it was Pete Holmes' show. And he's like, I understand the reasons why you're doing it, but I still want you to stop. So a lot of people are like, no, no, no, I was only doing this because of this. It's like, I don't care why you did it. I just don't want you to do it. That's the issue here. That's happening. Yeah.

So that's what you do. You go up to your friend and tell her everything. Well, there's like medicine for depression. And I don't know anything about impulse control and how all of that is linked up together. But it sounds like if you are masturbating with, even if you're on meds, then you're masturbating with the door open, then you need to get different medicine because you're having a bad reaction to it. You think there could be medicine for impulse, like a willpower pill?

Yeah, definitely there is. You should take that. Oh, no, I don't want to. I was about to buy it and then my impulse said, don't. I do have that impulse control, but I mean, not so bad that I can. I don't know. It sounds like he is missing something else. Yeah.

A screw is loose. Like impulse control is one thing, but then like, what's the word that I'm trying to think of? Masturbating with the door open. Yeah, that was it. The Dutch have one word for it. Really? Yeah.

Shidenfreude. It's actually totte, t-o-t-h-e. T-o-t-h-e. Yeah. Totte. Totte. Cool. Tot, tot, one, tot, two, tot, tot, eight.

All right. I think we're done. We just tell her that this, tell your friend that her friend's been Jango with the door open. Have you ever done that? Definitely not. It seems like the goal of masturbating is to be as alone as possible. I pee with the door open and that's about the maximum amount that you'll share your

dick. Yeah. Jango in public. That's a different level. I don't think I can even get hard in public. Let's try it. Follow me to a park. Watch this on an airplane.

All right. Next question. Yep. Let's get to a guy. Let's finally talk to a guy. It's about time. No, actually, this one's about texting. Great.

I love that. Thanks. Walked right into it. Guy's name? Perth. Oi. I'm Peth. Yeh.

All right. Let's get down to bitch-ness. I can't do the whole thing in an accent, but I recently matched with a really cute red head on Tinder and we hit it off nearly instantaneously. We chatted for a while, exchanged snapchats and numbers, and arranged to meet up at a local coffee joint. Going into this, I was nervous as all hell, mainly because it's difficult to tell a person's height through Tinder pics, and tall women intimidate me.

Luckily, all was well, as she was slightly shorter than me. Oh, you got coffee? Split a waffle? And after about an hour and a half, she decided she had to head out. I gave her a ride back to her dorm, where she said that she would quote, do this again, and she would quote, text me. I sent her a snapchat two days later, which she opened but never responded to. Now it's been three whole days since I've heard anything from her.

My question to you guys is, when a girl says I'll text you, how long should it usually take to hear from her? One day? Two? Three? A week? Would you message her at this point, or would that seem too desperate? To my understanding, we both had a fun time, so I don't understand the radio silence.

Any help would be rad. Todah, boys. Love Perth. Oh, Perth. I think in my world, I think we live in the day and age where if she liked you and she said she'll text you, she would have done it that afternoon. It would have happened by now. And then a snapchat, an unresponded snapchat.

Unresponded snapchat, I think, is fine. I personally think if you wanted to see her, you should have been tech. You're still time. Text her now. But you're saying odds are low. Odds are low. But you might as well text her because she said, yeah, I want to do this again. I'll text you.

And then she didn't text you. But maybe you just remind her. You just say, hey, how's your week been? But that's like opening a real line of communication. Snapchat, she doesn't even know that that snap just went to her. That could have been sent to 20 different people. So she doesn't feel the need to respond to it. I think right now she's not entirely interested.

But she might also not be in the point where if like she could be neutral, she could just be like, yeah, if he doesn't text me, I'm going to text him. And if he texts me, maybe I'll give him another shot. Right. Like the best you can hope for is neutral right now. Yeah. So just she's definitely not texting you now. She's not super into it.

Right. Otherwise she would have texted you. Yes. But she might be the phase below that, which is fine if you text her and she'll meet up again. Totally. She might even be in the phase below that, which is I'm going to have to tell him no. Right.

That's possible too. But at the very least stop waiting for a text from her because that is not happening. The question is, why did she say I'll text you? I don't know. Maybe it was just like a nice way to say goodbye. You could also, she could have said text me or let's text, but maybe who knows why she's said what she said. Impulse.

My theory is at the end of a date, you'll don't take anything for what it seems. Like at the end of a date, it's slightly uncomfortable. You don't know what's going to happen. People just say things like, oh yeah, we should do this again. Oh, I'll text you. Okay. Yeah. Thanks.

When I'm on the phone with like airline representatives, I say, talk to you soon. Yeah. Like that's not true. Right. Like, all right, I'll talk to you later. Yeah. No, you won't. You don't actually hold anyone accountable to anything said on the last text me.

The last five minutes of a date is just a free for all. You just say shit. Yeah. All right. See you later. Bye. Maybe we should do this again. The thing to latch on to is like, we should do this again.

That at least means like, let's communicate more. No, but like, I could say, let's do this again and a girl can just feel like you don't want to say, uh, I'm okay at the end of the day. So we'll be like, yeah, we totally should. That's true. It's all lies. No, nothing. The last five minutes of a date are lies.

The first hour of a date is also lies. Holy shit. Not to mention all the flirtatious lead up. That's lies. They're in the first three months. There's eight seconds in the big, in the middle of a first date, that's pure truth and everything to the left and right of it is a lie. So you got to really excavate it.

You have to laser in. Yeah. You have to dig deep and find out what the truth is. That's something I've noticed recently. The lies at the end of a date. Right. Because nobody wants to be polite. Yeah.

You're not going to say, uh, you're not then and there. You can't be like, I wish to do this again. Actually I had fun, but I don't see this going past second or third date. So I mean, I'm going to cut it off here. Yeah. I'll dot your next two texts and we will never see each other again. But Namaste. It was fun to have a drink.

Just kidding. It wasn't that fun. I wish I didn't drink because I don't feel like being hungover tomorrow. This was not worth it. Take care. Actually, or don't, I don't care. The thing is I'm really starting to second guess dating in general. I just feel like I've been a lot on a lot of these things and they're all just fine.

Anyway, don't want to go up on too much of a tangent. So excited to get into my car and fart. Goodbye, Charlie. Uh, yeah, that's it. Don't read into what she said and you can text her. Yeah. But don't have, have medium expectations. I wouldn't text her being like, well, you said we're

going to hang out. You said we'd do it again. You said you'd text me. I have, this whole relationship is built on a lie, baby. How do you expect us to be? We can't be honest with each other. How are we going to raise our kids? We're on the same team.

How are you going to raise your kids? That'd be crazy if every time you went on a first date you had to raise kids together. That would be a good idea for a first date. It's a date care. It's a date day care. A date care. So you meet people on their first date and you match them with like a two year old. Oh, wow.

So let's just go straight into it. Yeah. Cause like anybody can be cordial in a fucking dinner setting. I want to see if a baby is crying in front of you and shitting and I'm like, can you do, like, can you do something about it? I want to see if you'll like snap and be like, can you get off your ass and stop watching TV and helping? Like that's what you have to know.

You would go so quick to watching TV at the day care. I'd have a beer. The day care would literally be a sad dent. Yeah. On a Sunday at 11 a.m. A little couch with football. Yeah. And you want a cold one.

But the kid also has a birthday party to go to. But like your favorite team is playing. Wow. So in your mind, you're like, okay, dude, that's what I don't get about parenting. How could you still be a dad when the fucking game's on? Like if there's chicken wings and the pats are playing, dude, what are you supposed to do? I can't be a dad that day.

I wonder if there's a correlation between sports fans and how good you are as a father because like sports fans have 10 hours a week that they just want to be watching TV and non sports fans don't have that. Yeah. I bet sports fans are worse dads. Like I'll really want to watch the Super Bowl. But if my kid has a soccer game, I'll be either a watching the Super Bowl or be a resentful twat during the game on my phone, I can't see because I have a fantasy player who's

going off or he's not going off on Pist. My kid's doing well, but the reality that that's happening is not as good as fantasy football. I'm sad scene in the movie, which is a wide shot of like one of the little five year old injured on the field and everybody is like concerned. You're in the background looking at your phone and you just go like this. Both hands up in the air, touchdown. I just I was down 17 going into the afternoon games and this guy just fucking went ham.

Is the little one OK because I might win this this box this box pool. I'm in Roddy went for 10126 and two scores. How's how's little Mary doing hurt shit. Don't worry. I'm not going to scare of you who just won 80 bucks. All right, let's take a break and we'll come back and answer one more question. You're watching the Daily Show with John Stewart. No, they're not.

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Melbourne highest, fastest selling show. Yeah. Who to thought that's just gonna sell out, bitch. You want to hear how I got fucked for the first time? You better come to these shows, boss. Well, that's not the only reason it should be a fun night of comedy. Okay. Straighter will be there.

I'll be so fucking trash gone, faded, gay and scared. I'm going to be Molly, Coke, whiskey, weed, pills, what pills, uppers, downers. I don't give a fuckers, y'all, you know what I'm saying? You had a single Pepto-Bismol chewable yesterday and started freaking out. I was tripping, I think. You weren't. You were bed by 9.45. Yeah, but I had crazy dreams.

Did you? I slept right through. I actually woke up at 2 to pee. It was actually insane. I slept like a rock from 9.45 until 1 AM, then I tossed and turned for a bit. Woo. I went to the bathroom and then I went to bed from maybe three to seven. That's fine.

You're describing a fairly average night of sleep. It was insane. Why? It seems so normal. I think I was out of it the whole time. Yeah, of course. You were half asleep. Loser.

All right. Last question. So I get off stage right, drop the mic, walk up to these hot chicks, and I'm all like, sub lady, my name's Slim Shady. I'm the lead singer of D12, baby. Did you just freestyle that, dude? I did. That was insane.

It sounded exactly like my band by Slim Shady. Really? Oh, I think I borrowed some motifs. Oh, okay. But overall, the wording and phrasing was different. Especially Slim Shady. That's all mine. At the very least, I said it right now and not him.

So we need a guy's name. Brisbane. Hey, I'm Aaron Jake. My name is. Sorry. Hey, I'm Aaron Jake. My name is Brisbane, and I'm in a high school play playing the main lead. At the beginning of the play, my character begins to make out with another character.

During rehearsals, we don't actually kiss. We just pretend to kiss and hug. Now this girl that I'm supposed to make out with is a dime, and I want to actually make out with her for the play. I believe it would make the play better. Also, who doesn't want to make out with a dime? So here's my question. How do I ask and convince this girl to make out with me?

And two, is it even worth it to ask, thanks in advance, Brisbane, PS, I've only kissed a girl once and it was a dare. I actually got dared not to do it. This is a Broadway play, by the way. They're that immature. Thoughts? Yeah, I don't know. I have an idea.

Okay, go for it. You can't do it yourself. You can't be like, we should kiss, because that seems like you just want to kiss her because she's hot. What you can do is get the director to tell you to kiss. That way, you guys are just following orders, man. Yeah, I'm sorry. This is so awkward.

Oh, God. You should practice at your house. I want to do that. I want to do that. Oh, I'm hard. That's the first line of the play. It's a terrible play. It's a musical.

Every one song. Oh, I'm hard today. Oh, he's hard, I say. Then they make out for four hours. I think your best bet is to get it as a direction from somebody and then you act cool. You don't act excited or happy. You're just like, all right, you know, it's part of the game, whatever. I'm not thrilled to be here.

The director says, I think you guys, you two should actually kiss. The girl's like, oh, no, I don't want to do that. And he's like, yeah, gross. I'm not going to kiss her. What are you talking about? It was your idea. Well, I said, oh, I just, my note was to make the play more authentic. You missed that.

I didn't say how or why or when. With whom? Sally, side question. I think we should go out and make out for real because this, this, this director perverts trying to set us up getting off to watching middle schoolers make out. I'm not interested. Oh, no. Do you think it's worth it?

Is it considered a win if he gets it this way? I, I think for where he's at, it would be like, it's a step above a dare. Yeah. The first two kisses are going to both be because you were told to. I think you maybe should start taking things into your own hands, but I feel like you could say it in a, cause like, she's, this is also, you don't want to stage a coup with the director to melt and to make you kiss. Yeah.

You should just say something to her and just be like this. I don't know. I think you turned into a joke. Oh, so you think you, she should ask the girl like, it's going to look fake if we don't really kiss. This is not, I think we should, I don't know. You can say it. Just wait for an opening, wait for an end or just fucking do it.

Play night. She can't freak out because it's like things are happening, right? You got to, you got to like be you. You got to like be on top of your game on your toes. You go in to make out. She can't freak out cause that'll ruin her scene. No, she'll slap you across the face and that'll ruin your scene. And scene.

Uh, so you're saying talk to the girl directly or maybe try to inception her. So she feels like she has the idea, but I think coming from, I think it should come from the two of you. You could say, does it look too fake that we're just hugging? And then she'll say, oh yeah, maybe you're right. We should kiss. Maybe she wants to kiss too. We should, you should suggest, is there a better all, I would say this is what I would

probably do in the situation. Let's pitch some alts to this fake kiss thing. I want to talk about, I'd want to bring it up myself to her, but I also wouldn't want to suggest it because that would be a little too forward. I would say, is this like authentic enough? What we're doing, is there a way to make it a little more realistic? And that's sort of like backing into a corner cause like you're making, you are doing the most to make it realistic without kissing.

The only thing to make it more realistic is make it real and maybe she'll arrive at that same conclusion. If you say this option isn't great, is there another one? And then let's see what she says. If she goes to lengths to avoid kissing you, then you know it's out of the question. Well it depends. Is it great lengths or just regular lengths? Like if she just goes to regular lengths, you can probably make up that distance.

If she goes to great lengths to avoid you. How do you interpret regular lengths and great lengths? A mile. Perfect. And it's agreed. All right. Jake says talk to her in a weird, in a not in a weird, but in a subtle way, a backhanded way, try to get, make her arrive at the conclusion.

This isn't the best, right? What would be better? So it's a borderline amateur hypnosis. Yeah. Let her have the idea and then you say, you're right, we should kiss. That's a good idea. Regardless of what she says. I don't know.

I guess we can hug for longer. You're right. We should kiss. Oh, you weren't listening to me. And I say make a deal, even a cash deal with the director to be like, how much cash can I give you to say maybe we shouldn't make out in the play? That way. It's not like, you know, it would be a better suggestion.

If like, if she doesn't have anything to be like, does this feel real? I feel like we could have a more authentic thing that she says, yeah, I don't know. But I agree. And you're afraid to say, let's actually kiss, suggest putting your hands on, on her face and your two thumbs on her lips. Oh, that's like a better stage kiss. And then you make out with your, and then you kiss your thumbs. Yeah.

Which is basically saying, you know, like I respect your space, we don't have to actually kiss, but I think this will look better. And then you guys get to be like weirdly close in a slightly better way than hugging. That's pretty good. Fake kiss. That's a good, even third technique. So we've given you three options. Please let us know what you choose.

More than you paid for. I didn't pay anything. Still. All right. That is our time. Thank you so much for listening, everybody. If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions, if I were you show at gmail.com, we also need thumbnail submissions, artwork for the podcast when we post about

it to our Facebook page. Really at 600 by 315 resolution, but we'll take what we can get. The opening theme song was written by Kyle Morris. And the last one was from a lady named Elizabeth and a five year old. What? That's cute. All right. We'll be back.

Bye. Jake and Amir, they give me lots of advice. Advice. Jake and Amir, they help me with all of life's strife. Life. Whenever I'm in trouble, I send an email to them. Email. Which is great cause I don't have any real friends.

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