If I Were You - 146: End of an Era

Episode Date: April 9, 2015

In this episode we discuss emotional cheating, physical cheating, and the future.This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com, TrunkClub.com, and Prosper.comSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, I'd ask what to do, The best advice out there is holding you. I've got a sticky situation, It's quite a conundrum if you will. I've got some people out there who help me, And they're kind of chill. So I listen to Jacob and Ben, Vance and the pinch, Nathan did and Josh and Shrew well. So remember men, they will help you, And if I were you, show at gmail.com. That was soothing. All we are is dust in the wind. It's actually pretty fitting.

How so? We are dust in the wind of ourselves today. Oh, because we're unemployed. Yeah, we're dead to the world, dead to society, dead to my parents. Your parents said that you were dead to them? I'm dead to rights. What does that mean? Dead on arrival.

DOA. Death becomes me. That was their band or a duo named D Jamulja or Jamulja. Oh, what a bad name. I'm sorry, like how does anybody find them? Yeah, it's tough. It's D apostrophe J-A-M-O-U-L-J-A-H. That's changed your name.

I love the song. That's insane. You should stop being creative when you come up with your name. I stopped. I don't even know how to say it now. Yeah. Jamulja? It's over.

The plain white T's have the perfect name. Because the strokes. Yeah. Jack White. That's the perfect name. Drake. Can I recommend just their first names like if it's like Adam and Sarah? That would be a good name.

Adam and Sarah sounds really nice. What about like another name that's not just that plain? Oh, you know what? I have a good band name for a while now and I'll give it to these guys. Okay. Hot Hands. Say something. I'm giving up on you.

Hot Hands is a great name. Yeah, it's easy to say. And it's like a fun game and it sounds kind of sexy. Oh yeah, Hot Hands. So Jamulja, you're welcome. The artist formerly known as Jamulja. Yeah, now Hot Hands. Thanks for writing that song and performing it and recording it and sending it to us.

Definitely. I appreciate it. I'm sorry to have me turning your name so bad. But it just happens to be not a good name. This is constructive criticism. We'll tell you like it is. We really will. We're with the Randy Jackson's of podcasts.

I'm going to give it to you straight dog. Yeah. Randy Jackson. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. We're done with our web series. This is now our job full time.

Wow. Yeah. And we'll be doing it for an hour today. Yeah, and then we can just sort of chill. Yikes. We've earned it. I guess. We've done eight years of episodes and now that's not going to happen anymore.

Yeah, wow. So any ideas you got, any funny jokes that you think of, throw them away. There's no, there's no outlet for it. Are you talking to me now? I'm talking to myself in a mirror. No, this isn't the end, you guys. That's crazy. We're still going to make stuff.

We still live together. Think of it as the first, you like a musical artist and after you listen to their album, their first album, are you like, all right, they're done now. They're dead. No, they then make a second album. And it's usually not as good as the first album. Exactly. And then they make another album and it's usually even worse than the second album.

Yeah, like what happened here? They totally changed what I loved about the first album. And then they break up for a while. Then they do a reunion tour with all their greatest shits. So our next web series will be not as good as the first. The third one will just be like a two-hour dramatic movie. Some kind of weird experimental shit that everyone will reject. Yeah.

And then we'll just go on tours, 43-year-olds who do like Jake and Amir stuff again. Perfect. So you guys have all that to look forward to. And thankfully, you guys are still listening to this. So there's still content being made. Update on the podcast front. We left our podcast network too. Wow.

Yeah. We left College Humor and Podcast One at the same, basically the same week. We also left our house that week. Oh, wow. So we became unemployed. We joined a different, or we left our podcast network and we changed houses all in the same like four days. Would you say these are upgrades or downgrades?

All of them are down. Way, way, way down. Way down. I feel stressed. Oh, nice. Yeah, stressed is better. What do you think about this for a parody song? I thought I sang it the other day.

This is perfect for my Weird Owl cover band that I'm now joining because I don't have a job. All right. I'm way under dressed. So it's like Weird Owl walking around, or sorry, me walking around and I'm like at a black tie gala and I'm wearing like, I'm dressed like a rapper. So a baggy tee and some jeans with black boots. Yeah.

I'm way under dressed. What are all the verses? Well, how does it really go? Look at my life, man. That's lessons on lessons on lessons. So what rhymes with lessons? I guess like you spill a lot of different salad dressings and stuff on your tie, on your shirt.

Look at my time, man. That's dressings on dressings on dressings. This is great. I'm so glad. We don't have to make internet videos anymore. We can focus on the real shit. Right. So we're already describing our second worst project.

Yeah. I'm way under dressed. So what does it mean to leave podcast one? If you're listening to the show, I don't think it should change anything. Unless you were listening specifically on a podcast one app or the podcast one site, we're now hosting all of our episodes on Spreaker.com. Thank you to Spreaker.com for housing us, taking us in when we were people without an island, a nation.

We were homeless. Yeah. We were distressed people. And Spreaker.com, which is like speaker, but with an R. Refugees of ourselves. Said, you guys check us out. We'll upload all your episodes automatically. We have a cool backend.

And I've been using them and they're great, very clean, very like modernized way to host sound files. So whether you're a podcast to yourself looking for a host or a musician looking for a place to put your music, Spreaker.com is great for us so far. Cool. Highly recommend. And they also have an app, an Android app and an iPhone app. You can listen to the episodes on there or we have a Spreaker page.

But if you're listening with like how you usually do, which is like a podcast app on your phone or through iTunes, nothing should have changed. We're on our website. Yeah. And you can always find the episodes on, if I were you, show.com. So if you just keep listening, that would be helpful. That would be good for us. Especially because now we have to sell our own ads again.

Yeah. Yeah. So we have to like, it's no longer like on somebody else to make sure shit performs. It's like we have to go out and actively find advertisers and show them that our fans listen to the show. So I guess in the coming months when we ask you to buy things, we really, really try to do it. Just really focus on that.

At the very least, visiting the website is a great start. You know what else is a great start? Subscribing to our show on iTunes, that's incredibly helpful. Oh, okay. A lot of our podcast fans don't necessarily listen to other podcasts. So they'll like just listen to it streaming on their computer and our iTunes rank is not as high as our viewership reflects. Interesting.

So if you're near a computer, it would really be helpful if you go to the iTunes store and click on the subscribe button on our podcast because that really helps our rank and it shows advertisers that we're as legit as we are. And that'll be very helpful as well and like leaving a review and stuff like that. We're really begging for it. Yeah. Well, we never actually mentioned it before, but now it's actually crucial because we're the ones responsible for it.

So reviews and subscriptions help a lot. If you did want to go that extra mile. Desperate much. I mean. I need health insurance. Oh, I actually, yeah, I need that too. Yeah. I need every little bit helps.

All right. So how does this show work? People are in difficult places in their lives. Much like us. Yeah. And they they're in need of advice and they'll email us to if I were you show at gmail.com and then we read these emails and try to advise these people. Sometimes it's just us and today that's the case too.

Kobe is always here. Yeah. I haven't said anything yet. Oh, all right. Do you have a name for a let's see if this is a guy or girl is a girl, a female name. These are real emails from real people. We're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. Right.

How about names like Desika or Famantha? Oh, so it's like traditional names that you sort of tweak a little bit. Okay. Um, Rashley. You added an R. You didn't just change the A, but I do like Rashley. Thank you. Did you Rashley come up with it? Yes.

All right. Here we go. Ready? Big fan of the show and the podcast. I'm coming to you roaches for some legit advice. I'm a young girl and my friend is the same age. He regularly reblogs pictures of girls butts and tits and whatnot on his tumbler. I had recently taken a more than taupe picture of my own ass in underwear if it matters.

And after several filters and cropping it, thought it looked quite decent. I wanted to get his opinion before I sent it to this guy I have a thing with. Obviously, this was a dumb choice looking back, but I genuinely, but I genuinely wanted to see if he could tell it was me. Well, he's a teenage boy. So of course his natural response was to want me send me some of his own nudes. Being the gentleman he is, he asked if I would critique his junk. I immediately rejected that, but he kept insisting that I give him a device on his nudes, whatever

the hell that means. I then got a Snapchat notification and not believing that he really did it, I opened it. I was face to face with his kid's wormy dick. I have absolutely no idea what to do now because the icing on this turd cake is that he has a girlfriend. I know I have to tell her all this shit he's been messaging me about wanting to fuck. And now this Snapchat, but I don't know how to approach it. I want to make it anonymous, but how?

If I show her the messages, she might show it to him and then our friendship is ruined. He keeps saying he wants to break up with her. So should I just wait a bit? Any advice is much needed from Yukoi Divas. Thanks a lot. Love. Rashly. Rashly.

Don't do anything rashly. Yeah, nice. So what do you think she should do? Well she sent this guy a picture of her butt. So she can't exactly tell on him, right? Right. Because she's a little bit. She's involved in the illicit behavior.

Whether she wanted to or not, she sort of started it. Right. She shouldn't have sent him a picture. Like that's a flirtatious move, I fear. Right. So what can she do now? Do you tell? I don't think you have to tell.

I don't think. Do you think she tattles? I don't think it's necessarily her, like why does she want to tattle? Why does she want to tell? Because this guy. But she's not friends with the girl. She's friends with the guy. Yeah, she's friends with the guy.

She doesn't even know the girl. It seems like the allegiance should be with her friend, right? Well, it seems like there should just be no allegiance. Like you aren't some kind of vigilante superhero that gets to like break up their relationship. That's, I recognize that his behavior is bad. Yeah. He was involved in it. And how would you possibly do it anonymously?

It's like, oh, I got this picture of a dick that you sent to Rashley, but I got it anonymously so you can't get mad at Rashley. I guess the thing to do is if you, she says she's friends with this guy, like to the point where she doesn't want to mess up their friendship. So she should tell this guy that he should break up, just talk to him instead of the girlfriend. I feel like the advice should always be like, don't tell the person who's going to angrily dump somebody and like, you would advise a person the cheaty to... Not the cheater.

Oh wait. Yeah. Wait, the cheater is the person that did the cheating. Yeah. So you advise the cheater, not the cheaty. So you tell the cheater what you've done is bad, think about it. And now what do you think is the best course of action? And they are the ones that should break up, not...

So you don't go behind this guy's back and say to this girl, hey, this guy sent me photos. Yeah, because that causes a war and there doesn't need to be a war. There just needs to be a calm discussion. There needs to be a break up. But then like maybe the person, there shouldn't be some, I don't know, it seems weird to light the fire of an explosive and walk away. Right. Is this cheating?

Sending someone a DP? I don't think so. This is less than cheating. Yes, definitely. So... But if he's saying like, I want to fuck you and stuff like that and I want to break up with a girlfriend, then he should... I don't think that the dick pic alone is like too much.

But I think that that combined with them talking about fucking and him saying that he wants to break up with this girl, I mean, they should break up. But is there like maybe there's a woman code like, oh, this guy tried to cheat on his girl with me. I'm a girl. I don't like this other girl. No. Like we're girls in this together.

We got to alert girls of other terrible guys. I guess I understand that. But then at that point, why don't you just tell the guy like, I'm going to tell your girlfriend that you tried to cheat on her unless you do. That's weird. I don't know. I don't like that either. That's pretty good.

It's like, if you don't tell her, I will. But then it's like blackmail. I feel like somebody gets murdered. Someone has to get murdered for that. This is a real, real tough one, I would say, because then she also sent her the butt picture. So it's like, I sent your boy. You won't believe this girl, too. I sent your boyfriend a picture of my ass just to, you know, see if he liked it with

my ass. And he sent me a picture of his dick back. Can you believe that ass? Yeah. She would get mad at you for sending the butt pic. Right. I don't think his transgressions were so deplorable that you need to tell his girlfriend. But I think that she was involved in this situation.

And if she's not ready to take the same heat, like she's trying to do this anonymously, it's entrapment. Yeah. Another illegal thing. So you would say, talk to the dude or not even. My advice is to remove yourself from this situation. Yeah. I don't think anything so bad happened that she needs to be a whistleblower.

But if anything, if you really feel like it's your moral obligation to be involved, talk to the guy. Advise him in a warm way, if you can, to get out of this relationship that he's not invested and that he's not treating fairly. Right. Advises should be with the dude because that's her friend. If she was friends with a girl and the guy sent her a dick pic, you think she should say, tell her friend?

Yeah. I guess that if she was friends with the girl and this dude sent her a dick pic she didn't want, I could see her saying something to the girl. But then, I mean, not necessarily if she sent the ass pic because then you're having to tell your friend that you sent your boyfriend the picture of your butt. Oh, that's why you're saying it's entrapment. She got him riled up and horny. Yeah, she put some horny juice on him.

He's not accountable for what happens. You don't realize my ass was an aphrodisiac. I would never, I mean, also sending a dick pic is just not something that would turn me on. As a girl or a guy? A guy. He's like, please let me send you a picture of my dick. That's so intense.

But I think he wanted to escalate it. If you send me a picture of your butt, I'll send you a picture of my D and then maybe you send me more photos back. He was hoping for more back. Why did she send him a picture of her butt? She said she wanted to see if he knew that it was him or if he knew that it was her. Do you think that's actually how naive she was about it? I don't know.

She wrote the email to, like, it seems like if she was not naive she would tell us in the email. She does seem very, very naive. But she was like, oops, I guess I shouldn't have done that because then I think he took that the wrong way. But I also don't want to blame her for getting a DP, a dick pic. Right. Well, she also didn't specifically say the rest of their conversation.

He said, can I send you a dick pic? She said no. And he said, and then he pressed further, like, please let me. And then she didn't say what she said back. And then he sent her a snapchat. You know what? She's almost like a female John Wolf. This is kind of like Jan Wolf.

Jan? Yeah, Jan Wolf actually sends butt pictures to guys in relationships. And for the few that respond with dick pictures, she then turns around and tells their girlfriends about it. Wow. That's a classic. John and Jan Wolf. Right.

The brother, sister, duo. They're also married. They don't care about rules or laws. So if I were you, what would you do? Not do anything about it? Remove myself from the situation. Just go away. There's no need for her to be like, why does anybody want to be in the middle of another

couple's breakup? Yeah. Breakups are the worst part of relationships. You don't want to have that on your conscience and then not even be in a relationship. I don't know. I'm trying to think of the equivalent. She's like in a, she's in a smoking house and she's like, oh, I'll find the fire. You don't need to.

You're not a firefighter. Just get out of the house. She also brought matches to this house. Yeah. She's like wandering around looking for the fire with a can of gas on it. Like attached to a care beater in her back pocket. She's a dangling around a canteen of gas. Can I be helpful here?

No. Go away. Shoo. Shoo you. All right. That's it. Jan Wolf for writing in. I don't know what to call it.

Rashley. All right. Next question. We need a guy's name. Okay. Not a problem. It's easy actually. All right.

You do it. Nen. Like Ben Nengeman. Nen writes. I'm an 18 year old college student from England. So I started to date this bitch from high school and things have been going perfect. She's funny but doesn't try to steal my friends. And rest assured she's a goddamn 10 pence piece.

The only problem is her dad. Ever since I turned 18 he keeps inviting me to go partying with him. This wouldn't usually be an issue because I like to party and I don't mean to brag but people usually think I'm pretty cool because I do weed and I like to rap. However, I want to impress this guy because I can't afford to end my stay in Bonertown. The only way I can think to do this is by showing him I'm not afraid of drugs and stuff and that I can bring home hot girls. Obviously this isn't an option because of his daughter, right?

I don't want to look like a complete pussy in front of him because I had to be taken home the last two times we partied together so he thinks I don't know how to drink. Should I do weed with her dad so he respects me or just ditch this bee and seize that fishy cheese elsewhere? Nen. God, Nen sucks in so many ways. He does weed and likes to rap. People think I'm cool because I do weed and I like to rap.

He can't bring home a chick to prove to his daughter's father that he's a pimp because of his daughter, right? Question mark. Also the last two times they partied, he had to be taken home so the dad already thinks he's a pussy who can't drink. The only way to save this because you're currently a lightweight is to do weed. To be a lightweight who cheats on his daughter and offers him illegal drugs and raps. You want to make yourself slightly better.

That would be making yourself like 10 times worse. Yeah, it's parting with your girlfriend's dad is a weird situation. You don't want to go down that rabbit hole. Whatever happened to the good old days where a guy would just take you hunting? I would hunt with my girlfriend's old man. You actually shot your girlfriend's old man in the leg. I thought he was a bison. You challenged him to a duel.

We both lost. Has that ever happened, a duel where both people just died? I bet. Probably, right? Because once you get shot, you don't just like, you can still shoot. Yeah, and then I bet, I'm sure it happened a lot. That would be so sad. They challenged each other to a duel and they both just got shot in the head instantly.

Within the brain, it has to be so identical. It's funny if you're watching the one guy fall and you're like, yes, and then you turn and you're like, oh, damn it. Turn to what? Oh, like if you're a spectator. If you're a spectator, yeah, the respectator's the duel, right? I hope so. I thought you were saying it'd be worse to be in that duel.

You shot him and you're like, yes, and then you looked down at the hole in your chest and you're like, no. God damn it. Now I'm dead too. This duel wasn't worth it. I actually heard that a lot of duels ended in draws because people would shoot at the sky and that was like sort of like your way of bailing out. Oh, that'd be funny if one guy did that and the other one didn't.

We had a deal. That happened too. Or one guy just turns around and shoots his own head like a suicide duel. Walking away. Has there ever been a duel? Suicide duel? Yeah, they turn around and then they both shoot each other in the head. Interesting.

There must have been like some cowardly duels as they're like taking the paces. Some guy just turns around and shoots them. Yeah, why not? The stakes are so high. Yeah, I would cheat at a duel. What's the worst that can happen? You survive? Well, you would probably get, I don't know, like the old vigilante laws, but I bet you

would get hanged. Yeah. Also, how do you not rush it? When you're in the duel, like, all right, but take five normal steps. Don't do it a little bit fast because then you'll kill me. Well, I think there must have been like a referee or something that's like one, two, three. Wait, one, two, three, turn or we turn on like rock, paper, scissors. Yeah, but you're right.

That's two out of three with the duel. All right, so you shot me once. Let's back to one, one, two, oh, got me again. All right. Fuck this. Is it too late to double or nothing? That's five. Come on.

I'm begging you. Coffing blood. So should this guy be in a duel? I forgot how we got here. Well, I think it might like he's, I feel like he's wrong. He just feels lame, but the dad probably he gets a kick out of like sending this kid home. He's like, oh, this 18 year old can't handle his liquor.

That's like why he wants to take you out. Right. Maybe he's trying to pretend that try to be cool in front of you because you're the youngster. And he, so like, I think the only thing you can really do to get him to like you is not to like one up him. No dad wants to be one up. You're down to just weed and rap.

Yeah, you're not. You're too, you're too strong suit. You're too young to be equals is what I'm like, just don't do weed, don't do rap, don't do the cheating on his, uh, all your options are bad and trying to get him to have an affair with his, if a young girl, I want to prove to him that his daughter's dating a pimp. So I feel like I have to take down a chick. His major fear is that his daughter is dating him. He would love that his daughter is dating a lightweight who doesn't know how to drink.

Right. You're doing it right accidentally so far. So just be respectful and nice, continue to be sent home in a car because you can't handle your alcohol. I almost said be yourself, but definitely don't do that. Yeah, because the way you are isn't good. Be better you, be a better you starting today. You're staying Bonertown is undeserved.

Yeah. But as long as you're there, they won't kick you out unless you fuck, don't fuck up. So we highly recommend not fucking up, ditch this, oh yeah, and don't ditch this be and seize that fishy cheese elsewhere either. Appreciate what you have. All right, let's take a break and we'll be right back with more of this. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp.

If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge.

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This is done entirely online but you're still getting professional licensed help and it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you. Check him out. Thanks BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow! For years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's

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I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

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Yeah. I'm very self deprecating and what was the other one acts dark stone. That's also really cool. Yeah. And then big underscore tuna, which is fine. So if you do subscribe and the office reference, yeah, which is good at Helms, shout out. If you do subscribe and leave a review, well, thank you. So thank you to the latest three who have done that.

How are you feeling now that you don't have to do any Jake and Amir stuff anymore? Fine, right? Yeah. It feels fine. Yeah. Because we released an episode yesterday. The weird thing will be next Tuesday when we don't. I don't know if that will be weird either.

How about the Tuesday after that? I don't know. The Tuesday, the third Tuesday from that's when it'll hit. Then the fourth one, I'll be back to find, doesn't it feel like it ended a while ago because we already finished shooting a shooting. So yeah, it's been it's been two months. Yeah. So I don't know.

It's already hit me. Hit me that day, that day that we wrapped. That was the time where it hit you the most. I think that was where it hit me the most. And then also when we were editing the credits, right, it hit me a lot like watching old outtakes and stuff. And I was just like thinking about the old offices. Right.

That was really neat. It was fun. Yesterday, we were watching old videos on Periscope. Oh, yeah. That was fun. Periscope. You guys should get into that or at the very least watch it when we do it. It's a live video stream.

Yeah. Remember when we used to live stream, like we would do every time we had like a big announcement. Yeah. We would do like a you stream. And it was so it was such like an intense project. We would like announce it the day of and promote it all day and then it would start and it wouldn't work. Yeah.

It was really just like be reading Twitter and refreshing. I don't know. It was always like freezing and breaking. Now we can we just like pull it up and launch it in a second. The tweets show up on the screen. Yeah. It's pretty convenient. It's really nice.

And we tweet when we do it. So if you follow us on Twitter, the twitter.com slash Jake and Amir. And I think it saves it for a day so you can watch it for the next day too. It was just us live streaming on our phone watching old videos that I had completely forgotten about. Yeah. We were just like, people were suggesting videos for us to watch. Yeah.

We'd watch them and give kind of give commentary, but also just like laugh at jokes that we forgot that we made or roll our eyes at jokes that we didn't like anymore. Yeah. Like set me. Oh, what was blown? Blown? What was the one where I'm yelling? I go into the room and I'm blowing up.

Blowing up. That was really funny. I completely forgot about that. You answered the phone. You're either you're like, you never like you never say hello. You instantly start crying the first time. Then the second time you start screaming and the third time you start yelling in a different language.

I made up language. And you every single time you end the phone call by saying, call me back. Why are you getting off the phone? Why does he have to call you back? You're already talking to him. Also when do you ever pick up the phone and the first thing you yell is, no. What could have been happening? It's almost like, Hey, only call me if this awful thing is happening.

Like if my, if your parent doesn't make it through surgery, call me. Yeah. If everything is fine, don't call me. A weird deal to make with a devil doctor. How are you feeling? Fine. We're going to Australia. Jesus Christ.

No, it's fun. I didn't realize it was fun to read all the commentary about how like when the last episode was released for some, for whatever reason, I thought it would be like met with the same amount of like feedback as any of our other final episodes or when we were saying we were going to end the show. But we got like a lot of tweets and Facebook messages and posts on our subreddit about how people who either watched back in the day and not anymore watched now, but not back in the day or all throughout the seven years were like personally affected by their eight

years. Oh yeah. Almost exactly eight years. It's crazy. In April of 2007 was when we did the trust fall, the quick characters one. Oh, wow. That is nuts. It was great to read all the feedback from people who have been watching us for eight

long years. I wanted like more celebrities to chime in actually. Cowgirls. Like there wasn't a lot of, a lot of the people. That's how you feel. A lot of the people that like were like, oh, this is great. They ended up being normal normals. Yeah.

I would click on their Twitter account and they would have like whatever the fuck 400 Twitter followers or something. It's not bad. But a lot, that's fine. But like a lot of like this. A lot. I wanted like, I don't know. I feel like this is shallow to say, but I wanted like a millionaire to say this is good.

You just shallow to say it's good that you feel like that. You should sometime feel like that so much that you don't say it. I want, I wanted rich and like famous is to say like, I wanted Elon Musk. I really wanted to mention me, Elon Musk or Eli Manning to like chime in and be like, they changed. Or Ellie Goulding. Yeah. Just any.

I feel like a lot of the times what people posted that were nice were from our friends. Like it was like a favor of sorts. Not a favor. I know. It's just a friend would be nice. You want, you want attention from people who aren't your friends. Yeah. I wanted, I want famous fans to chime in and be like, can you do me a favor?

My, this, the balcony right here, jump, go, jump out, jump off of it. What are you talking about? Just jump off of it. No way. Do you want to hurt myself? Yeah. I'll break my ankles for sure. That's fine.

Watch this. I'll break your side. Asshole. My legs are going to be fine. I broke my hip and dislocated my shoulder. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Just really confident, but sad at the same time. You also cracked your head. It was like when we were, I was texting you the other day, we were like, sorry, bitch. I apologize for that bitch. What was it? It was like, I was saying bitch at the end of the sentence a lot. Right.

But I was, oh, we rented your room out. Oh yeah. So I parked, bitch. Well, then I'm kind of fucked, bitch. I kind of upshits Creek without a paddle, bitch. I was like, look at every text you've ever sent me. They all end with bitch. You're like, I'm sorry, bitch.

I really apologize, bitch. Looking back on it, I don't know how it happened this way, bitch. I did not mean to offend, bitch. I'm an asshole, bitch. I feel so, so sorry, bitch. I don't know what I can do to make it up to you, bitch. Um, all right. Australia, Sydney is now in all ages show.

Fuck yeah. How's that for progress? Shows in Melbourne and Sydney almost sold out now that they're all now that Sydney's all ages. That's what's going to tell floodgates are open again, while they're not the all the locations and dates are on our website. If I were you show.com, we're going to Adelaide, Sydney, Brisbane, Melbourne, not Melbourne you dumb American asshole.

It's Melbourne, Melbourne, Sydney, Adelaide, Brisbane. We're going to five cities in five days in June. Is it six days? I think we have a day off. Oh, thank God. Do you know where it is? I think it's in between. I think it's in Perth.

We should go to the middle of Australia and see what's what. The dead middle. Well, we'll never come back. Yeah. I heard there's just the outback hundreds of square miles that haven't been touched by a human foot. It's crazy. Yeah.

There's like a crazy snake there. Yeah. Yeah. It's like 12 inches. Yeah. I swear there's a double garden snake. Isn't it Garter? Oh, really?

Cool. You just believe me. So yeah. Hopefully we'll see you in Australia. All right. You want to answer one last question before we have to go? Yeah. We need.

We desperately need actually another guy's name. Uh, Lom. Who? Lom. What's his full name? Tom. Lomis? Lomis.

Or Lamanick. Oh, it's wonderful. I did Lom because it was Ben and Thomas. That's what I was thinking of. Very good. So I'm 23 years old, writes Lom and have been dating my GF for more than five years. We're both legit seven cent pieces and the relationship has been more or less great for five years, minus the occasional minor squabble.

We both seem to be pretty much in love. Todah, right? Well, not exactly. I've been out of town for about two months working for a company where I'm located is about two hours close to some pretty cute girls I studied abroad with in Europe back in college and have been hanging out and staying with them on the weekends because I don't have any other friends. My girlfriend knows about this and is totally cool with it, which is one of the many reasons

I love her. The problem is that I've got some pretty legit chemistry with one of these particular cute study abroad girls and that has made me unexplainably giggly and excited in the way that only new relationships can. I don't plan to try anything physical and haven't even so much as masturbated to the thought of this new girl drowning in my cum. I have, however, happily fantasized about smaller, cuter things such as, you know, spending the day at the park alone, jamming to some chill tunes, etc.

Are affairs of the heart equally as bad or even worse than affairs of the cock? Should I tell my GF or should I just quit being a pussy and shove it under the carpet? Keep in mind I'm leaving in a month, so I won't even have to see this new girl after that. Something about this whole situation feels wrong to me, but at the same time, I really like this new feeling. So I don't know. What do you guys think?

I think this guy is so much nicer than the weed smoker rapper boy. This guy wants to know if you should tell his girlfriend that he's been having flirtatious thoughts about somebody. They're really cute ones too, which actually, I think, it would be very threatening to you. Like, baby, I've been fantasizing about having a picnic with this girl. Yeah, no, not for that. It's almost worse.

Absolutely. Definitely. It's even just a pure raw sexual thing. So for sure, you're too sweet and you're not going to do anything, so obviously don't tell your girlfriend. You're moron. You fool. You have to be more of an asshole.

Yeah. Yeah. This stuff comes up when you're in a relationship for a while, like, oh, you start to have crushes. The trick is, when do you crush the crush? Because you don't want to, like, some people get that crushy feeling and they like playing with fire. Like, oh, let me talk to this girl a little more. Oh, I'm just texting her.

It's totally innocuous, but just the fact that you're texting her gives you a little burst of micro-thrills. And then you get bored of that micro-thrill and you want a little more, like, oh, let me send her a photo of me. That's completely innocuous and fine. Still legal. Still legal. Still subtle.

Still local. Still good. And then things sort, that's how it seems like it escalates from there. Yeah, yeah. You just, you got to be careful. You got to cut it off before it gets dangerous. Your crush is very dangerous, but it's also sweet and it's harmless and you don't need to share your, like, innocent crushes with your significant other.

I don't think. Yeah, that's a danger. I think you're allowed to have those. Those are, like, pure, those, that's, like, your pure form of fun. Do you think that's an indicator of, like, something, like, when you're in the beginning phases of a relationship, you don't really get crushes on other people. Or, I should say, I speak for my own self, like, oh, I have a crush on this person. This is what's exciting.

Yeah, I am the same exact person. And then that excitement sort of begins to dissipate and you're like, oh, now there's this newer person, a newer thing that's even more exciting because she represents something that I found even more recently and she likes the current version of me the most. I only like things that are shiny. Yeah, new. Unlike my black heart. My matte black heart.

Matte cracked black heart. But is that an indication that your relationship is flawed in a way or is that just going to happen? Because it's always going to happen. I don't know. Maybe there are some relationships that are, like, as, it couldn't possibly, that are as exciting as, like, the first two months. Nothing is like that.

Yeah. Actually, I heard, there's, like, I'm going to butcher it because I'm a moron, but there's, like, actual science behind it where, like, when you meet somebody, chemically, yeah, chemically, your, what's it called, I mean, your endorphins are being released. You're happy. Serotonin? Yes. Serotonin.

Like, Sarah, it's, like, being released into your head. You're, like, filled with it. Like, the same chemicals that are released when you're on Mali where you just feel, like, euphoric and happy and connected to everything and life is beautiful and you're singularly focused on one person. And obviously, that wears off, but then there's another chemical that comes into your brain and it's called norepineprin, norepineprin, or something like that. Which is Tylenol.

Which is noreprin. Noreprin's epinephrine pen. And that's, like, your attachment and loyalty and dependence on something. So that's just to give you a different drug. So it's, it's something, that's, like, something that ensures a relationship last long because even though you're not getting the same serotonin dump that you are, you're still getting a norepineprin. Oh, dopamine.

That's what it is. You're not, like, getting that rush of dopamine from somebody. You have, like, you've formed an attachment to them and you feel loyal to them. The question is, is easier brain the kind of brain that prefers the norepinephrine epipheny pen? Right. Or does it prefer the doper, the norepinephrine epiphen? Or is it the norepinephrine epiphen?

Or are you a dope, a me? Yeah. Or are you a dope and mean? A dope like me. I don't know. The chemistry of cheating is an article I want someone else to write. Ideally, it's a short documentary that I can watch on YouTube. Uh-huh.

Yeah. If I can get... With cool motion graphics. Everything I want to learn should be a documentary. Like I'm not going to read an eight-page article on Robert Gerst. Not fair to me. But I'll fucking watch six episodes of The Jigs. You do the research.

You edit it together and I'll sit and look at it. And I'll steal it from my dad's HBO Go account. And that's fair. But I'm not going to sit and read words. That'll be a waste of my time, a waste of yours. So what should this guy do? As long as you can not do anything inappropriate, because having small fantasies in your head are obviously not inappropriate, as long as you can not push it too far, there's nothing

you need to tell your girlfriend right now. Right. And when you get back, maybe even use some of that, some of the blood that's rushing around in your body to inject it into your relationship. Like, you know what? I want to reconnect with you. Let's listen to some tunes. Let's go to the park.

Or you can just fuck your girlfriend and think about this new girl. Yeah. That's another option. Yeah. That way you can come. And really, if you feel like you'll never get this girl out of your head and you want to break up with your girlfriend, then you should break up with your girlfriend and explore new stuff, because that's allowed too.

Yeah. And then when you get bored of this new girl, you can always go back to your girlfriend, who should probably be waiting for you, because you guys are probably in love with her. No, she'll never take you back. But you know what? You could just go from new thing to new thing to new thing. There will be always, always, always something new, and you will be lonely forever. You'll always be excited.

You won't have a family, but at the very least, you'll have a new girl every five to I don't know, seven months. It's kind of like how we're dealing with living. We just Airbnb hop. Yep. We need an Airbnb, but for chicks. Wow, that's sexy. So a six-month sublet.

Jesus Christ. This is me on a first date. She's already in the bathroom crawling out the window. Why does she have to escape? I would have let her leave at the front door, where this is only a bar. She wanted you to wait for her. All right. That's it.

Thank you for listening today and always. Yes. Gracias, indeed. And thank you for all the, if you reached out to us about our web series ending. We appreciate that as well. We do appreciate that. We'll be back on Monday with more questions and answers. If you have your own questions for yourself, send it to ifiroshowatgmail.com.

Every episode of this podcast starts and ends with a new original theme song. Can you believe that? A new original theme song? The first one was written by Jamulja and this last one was written by Cameron. We also need, we also, I should say we appreciate the thumbnails that we're getting for our Facebook page. Every time we post about the podcast, it's good to use a new cool photo and you guys are so talented.

So keep sending those over as well. We'll be back on Monday with a special guest. Let's not give too much away, but let's just say he's global. See you soon.