If I Were You - 147: Strangling (w/Jon Wolf!)

Episode Date: April 13, 2015

Jon "Global" Wolf joins us to discuss heights, bites, and fights.This episode is brought to you by NatureBox, DraftKings, and DollarShaveClub!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, come on and see the cheese, they'll make fun of all your problems. Shake the douche in a mirror, oh, sit by the tchoo-tchoo, sit by the review. Short, huh? Short and not sweet, you called me a douche. That was to the theme or a parody of the Adventure Time theme song. I'm sure everybody here knew about that, just to reiterate it. Thank you, Lewis, for writing that and recording it. John Wolfe, do you watch Adventure Time? I do.

Ladies and gentlemen, you just heard John Global Glocal Wolfe speak for the first time. On camera. Howdy. Dave Rosenberg. So, for those of you who don't remember or don't know or haven't listened to our podcast before, we've regaled people with stories about you, John. You found out, how did you find out that we were talking? Because we didn't know that it was going to happen until it happened, and it just came out,

and it felt right, and then we started telling stories about you, and then stories just came out of the woodwork about you. Right, I guess you have a long reach. Yeah, about this guy, this John Wolfe guy. How did I find out about the John Wolfe, how did John Wolfe find out about John Wolfe stories? Yeah. Well, I was minding my own business. It already sounds like a lie, but it can still be.

Objection. Leading. Conjecture. All right, so you were minding your own business. I was minding my own business. I get all these tweets from people. Hey, John Wolfe, you're such a coy diva roach. Hey, you asshole.

How could you do that? I can't believe you could do such a thing. And I was like, what? Very vague. Vague tweets. And I was like, coy diva roach, that's some Jake and Amir language right there. Yeah, that's true. Let me see what's up on their podcast.

That Monday episode 119 came out. The Wolfe. Oh, yeah. And I saw that title. Was that all because it was John Wolfe? There was nothing else. Yeah, it wasn't. It was like, we're talking about people that are just good guys and then we're like, we're

talking about people that are bad guys. Yeah. And then. You said some very nice things about George Basil, which I completely agree with. Yeah. He's a good guy. And then we were like, who do we hate? And then we just talked about John.

Yeah. And all the non-illegal, very subtle, dickling things. Did you know that I listened to the podcast? Or were you just like going to talk shit about me? Regardless. I think we thought, well, I mean, you're the one that said it. You said his name for the first time. Yeah, I guess I was looking for a name in our actual lives instead of making one up.

And then I had actually heard all these evil things about you. So it all came out and it felt so natural. Yeah. So you heard, I'm sorry, you heard that. You were being honest for a second. Yeah. Well, I feel like you just wanted to say the name of somebody that was pretty nice. Yeah.

And like. Seemingly nice. Yeah. Seemingly nice. And then I rather than say like, what are you talking about? He's a nice guy. I just jumped on. I was like, yes, he is a dick because I heard these things as well.

Right. Then it was sort of like. From whom? I felt. From whom? I was in a safe place and I could talk about. I ran a bake sale and gave the proceeds to the KKK. Who was saying those things besides you guys?

Because you want to off them. Yeah. I got to know who they are so I can put them on my list. I have a list of really short stories that I've heard about you. Can you just say true and false, true or false to some of these? Sure. You bring fast food on an airplane but never eat it. False.

So like you have a flight coming up and then you'll buy like two whoppers and fries. So it sort of smells bad for other people. Yeah. Or like it smells good but you never actually. It's sort of just like a bad thing to have on an airplane because either like you like the smell and you wish you had a whopper and you don't or you dislike the smell of fast food and you smell it your whole entire airplane ride. But you never actually eat it.

You never actually eat it. You just sort of keep it under your seat. That's a really good one. Yeah. No, I don't. I don't do that. What do you usually do on an airplane? How do you fuck with people on an airplane?

I usually sit in the aisle seat and then pretend I'm asleep so they can't get out. It depends on what seat he has. If he finds out he has a window he will chug water after water. Oh no. So he does have to pee. He does have to eat constantly getting right and he'll do this on a red-eye. He'll actually take the red-eye for no fair reason. He'll then take the next flight back to be with the other coast.

Or the opposite like you were saying you just you sit in an aisle seat and you pretend to be asleep with like a do not resuscitate. Do not wake up, sign on me. Do not disturb and nobody can get out. And you only fly when you're congested so that you snore loudly. Yeah. Yeah. I heard that too.

You shit at Starbucks but don't lock the door so people walk in on you. And then they feel bad but you didn't technically do anything for it. That perfect globalism that way. Yeah, that is that is global to a T because it's it's you're not doing anything bad you're just sort of making putting people in a bad position. Making someone's day way worse. Well, the door's closed. Yeah, unlocked.

That's right. And if someone knocks you say nothing. Which is fine. I want them to come in. Because you're listening. You have earbuds in but you're not listening to music. Is that true? No.

That's also false. That is also false. No, I don't. Poop in public bathrooms. Can't do it. I got a laundry list of other things but you know what? At the end of the day this is an advice podcast. Right.

So I think we should do our best to advise these people these real people out of their sticky situations. People will email us at ifirishow at gmail.com and they're in a difficult place and me and Jake, you know, will offer our guidance. Sometimes it's just us and sometimes John Wolf joins us. And this is it. This is that. This is that first time.

Can I just say up top, thank you guys so much for having me on. I know. Of course. I'm more than honored. Oh, good. You're more than honored. Flattered. Yeah.

Nice. I feel like we're talking to, this is like my version of the Jinx right now, like to be able to sit across. He's blinking a lot. Listeners don't know who he can't see but he's blinking a lot. His eyes are black as the night. Put your eyes really close to the microphone so we can hear it. Yeah, thank you guys.

This is really a huge fan of the podcast. No problem. Second thing I want to say real quick. Sure. Mom, just turn it off. Oh. Your mom also listens. Does your mom listen?

What's she listening to right now? They're very supportive. They follow me on Twitter and Tumblr and all that stuff. Oh. Mom, we will talk about this. I'll let you know how it went. Yeah. But not why it went.

Yeah. Or where. Yeah. I'm telling you right now, mom, I love you but you do not want to be listening. Mom, I love you. Just a quick message for my mom. Yeah. Because she listens as well.

Uh-huh. You're the best mom in the world. Uh-huh. Better than any other mothers that have been mentioned so far. Oh, it's not a competition. It absolutely is a competition. I don't think that's what he meant by that. No, but it's not a competition.

Because my mom has first place. You can leave it on too, though. You have two mothers? No, no, no. Your mom got first place out of two. Yeah. So I'm not saying all that much. Also, if it's first place, then it is a competition.

If it's not a competition, then it will be a place. If it's not a competition, then it will be a place. Because my mom won first place. The competition is over. So it was a competition. It was a competition, but it's not currently a competition. Can I just read this question? Actually, no.

Not until you admit to me. Right. We need a girl's name. Global? What do you got? Maybe someone from your life. Let's go with Iris West. Whoa.

Who is that? She's a character on The Flash, CW. 8 o'clock on Tuesdays. Oh, you can't plug that shit, dude. All right. Here's my problem, writes Iris West. I'm a 19-year-old girl from New Zealand, and I don't think I'm particularly unattractive, but there's one thing that is letting me down.

I'm 6'1". And while that's not ridiculously tall, I feel like it's the first thing guys notice, and I worry it turns them off. I've had crushes on shorter guys, but they've never really been interested in me, and when they are interested, it feels weird going on dates with them, and I feel like people are staring at us. Am I just being paranoid? Even guys the same height as me tend to bring it up.

Does a girl have to be shorter than her boyfriend, and would either of you two date a girl that's taller than you? My dad says short guys will get short man syndrome, get insecure, and beat me up. But is it rude to eliminate an entire group of the population from my dating pool just because of their height? Thanks, Iris West. Is it rude to emancipate yourself from your father for saying that?

I'm sure he was just joking. Jesus. Have you ever dated someone taller than you? Probably, but I'm 6'2". So someone taller than me is like an inch taller than me, maybe? You dated a 6'3". It's definitely possible. Freak of nature?

The thing is, this is New Zealand, so she's actually the shortest girl there. Yeah, everyone in New Zealand is 6'4". I was going to say that. No, everyone else in New Zealand are hobbits. So that's why she's giant. Yeah, she's a giantess. We're going to have feet taller than everybody else. She's a troll, an ogre.

Have you dated someone taller than you, Jake? Well, I've definitely fucked somebody that was taller than me. For sure. How's that? Great. I would date. I mean, I never really dated. What is dating?

Yeah. Like, not really. What is it? What would you consider? Oh, my God. More than never even heard of it. Like, I've had sex with them 3 or 4 times? Oh, I met them.

Yeah, yeah. Maybe all night. Then never. I've never done that. Like, if hanging out with a girl when the sun is out. Oh, yeah, no. And we're not drunk? Oh.

Next morning? It's just like thinking or caring about someone that you see on a regular basis. Yeah. Beyond just the physical attraction. Yeah. Right. Of course. Jesus.

I sound like global now. No, I've been, I've certainly been attracted to girls that are taller than me. I have been and still am. That's great. I mean, that's, this girl, I feel like P61 is awesome. That's not a problem. Amazonian goddess. Yeah.

You're good. I think it's almost up to the guys if they're willing. Like, if she doesn't care, then it's up to the guy. Right. But she does care. She does care. You have to convince her not to care. That's her job.

How can you tell a thought not to be happening while it's happening? Well, because you quell her fear by saying there are, there are plenty of guys, short guys and tall guys who like tall girls and are attracted to tall girls. Yeah. Like you're not a mongoloid freak. And then when you date someone who's smaller than you, it doesn't look like you're a ventriloquist and this guy is just your dummy. A koala.

She didn't think that before. Clamped onto the pencil. That is your freakish frame. I mean, my God, six foot one. You, you, you abomination. Well, your four foot nine. Legally. If not an inch.

But then it is a thing that girls talk about a lot. I feel like the two things are, one of the things girls talk about the most is like, I would never date someone shorter than me. Right. Well, that's a regular sized girls thing. Yeah. Not giantess. Right.

That's like girls who are five, six or five, four. Right. Right. So that's just like, I wouldn't want to date somebody who's that. Right. But that's a personal choice, right? Girls who are five, six saying they don't want to date anyone shorter than them, they've decided what they like.

Yeah. It sounds like Iris is letting everyone else decide what she likes. Her dad or like all these people who are. What's your angle here? In public. I'm trying to make her feel better about herself. Yeah. Right, dude.

What's the long con? The long con is probably her flying to America and us going out. How tall did you say you were? Six two. Oh, perfect. I feel like the long con is John is really good on this podcast starts his own advice podcast. Oh, it really gives great, thoughtful, kind advice for.

Dozens of episodes. Yeah. And then once, just once. Switches it up. Yeah. Just be negative to one person. Wow. And then he's already gained the respect of the community of listeners.

You can ostracize anybody at that point. Right. Because he's earned it. This is like Hitler level. Actually. It's such a deep level of commitment. Yeah. Like the John Wolf that you guys talk about is has unlimited time and unlimited resources.

Yeah, that's right. To fly back and forth on red eyes. It's kind of like the character we write for me. I'm just infinitely wealthy when I need to be. Right. Yeah. We don't limit our imagination by things like time and money. Sure.

We can't. So would you say this girl should date guys that are shorter than her? I think this girl should date guys that she likes that like her and don't make her feel bad about how tall she is. Yeah. I agree. Oh, fine. We solved it.

Yeah, solved. Next. All she needs to hear is over and over again that it's fine to be tall. But what if the guy has an issue with it? That she shouldn't date that guy. Yeah. So she has to not be, she has to be cool with it and she also has to date someone that's cool with it.

Because it sounds like she's not. I mean, it's going to be hard for her to be cool with it. So she really needs to date somebody that's very cool with it to help her be cool with it. And if you would, whether one of her questions would you date someone that's taller than you? Yes. You would date someone who's 6'5".

That wouldn't make you seem. I would definitely think about it. It's hard not to think about. I mean, especially like how would I meet this person? Maybe at a bar through a friend. A WNBA game. A W... Yeah, you're like waiting out back waiting to sign autographs.

I would never write anybody off. Yeah. So yes, I would consider dating somebody who was any height. Oh, that's really offensive. I won't even say why, but let's just go to the next one. What about you? You did no fucking way, dude. She's got to be 5'7".

Exactly. 5'7 to 5'9". Flathead. How much does she weigh? Oh, great question. Exactly 129. Not a pound before or less. Or not a pound less or more.

So I weigh her every day. Jesus, like a wrestler? She's still weighing into my bed. I've seen girls like spit out 4 pounds of saliva just to like hook up with me. Oh, Jesus, that's something the wrestlers do, right? Yeah, if they weigh in at too much. Can I ask you another question? A true falsism about you, John Will.

Sure. Just because I want to get to the bottom of a lot of these stories. Of course, you've got a laundry list to get through. Yeah. In crowded areas, you'll text yourself just so it makes the noise and everyone thinks they're getting a text and you never check your phone. No, I don't do that. But you do think that's funny?

I thought so. But you did like it? That's the type of shit that you would get off to. I think that's funny. I had a prank idea like six months ago or something where you get your friend's ringtone and you record it and you put it, put some device like in their apartment that just randomly plays the text ringtone every once in a while. Yeah, that's sort of the same thing.

Yeah, that's very subtle and it's very... Completely legal. Not illegal. Yeah. Don't want to be... I just saw you... I don't want to interrupt the podcast, but I saw John Wolf turn his phone on loud and he took it off airplane mode.

So he's going to be doing that to everyone. I mean, I just don't know what his angle is, but maybe he's expecting a phone call in the middle of the podcast. It just might... The really subtle thing is I'm not. Yeah. So it's not even my fault. He just is fucking with you so you can bring it out.

Right. Right. I can't believe I'm inside you. I'm so incepting you right now. When John produces music videos, he puts police sirens in them so that when people are listening to them in the car... No, I think that's fucked up. Yeah.

Song should not be allowed to have police sirens or honks. That's crazy. Yeah. That should be a law. Yeah. When we figure out the rest of society, that should be the first law that they try to pass. When everything else is going good.

Yeah. Right. There's been a decade of peace. Now we can finally tackle a honk in a music song. A war breaks out. At least the radio edits. Yeah. At the very least.

All right. Can I read another question? Sure. This one's from another girl. If you can believe it. All right. This is Ladies Night. Ladies Night.

Let's go with Caitlyn Snow. Is that another comic book? Guys, I'm a huge fan of The Flash. You really... You're a nerd. Yeah. It's a really good show. I highly recommend it.

All right. Say that again. Caitlyn Snow. I think she's a doctor. Dr. Caitlyn Snow. Sorry. I apologize to this fictional character that I didn't give her enough reverence for the

fictional doctorate degree that she got. It's funny that we made you a supervillain for somebody who likes comic books and stuff. Oh yeah. Holy shit. All right. Ready? Caitlyn Snow writes, So a couple days ago, my best friend of five years strangled me over a banana.

Like, I took her banana off a table in a real childish way, which I totally didn't think would cause any harm, and she totally overreacted by saying, I will strangle you until you give it back, which I thought was a joke or something, but then she came from behind and cut off my air supply for several seconds. When she let go after I gave her back the prize banana, she totally acted like nothing had happened and even offered me to take a bite out of it. After she realized how badly I had been affected by this, she seemed really remorseful and kept apologizing, saying she just flipped or something.

She's had serious mood swings throughout the time I've known her, and she can get pretty mean, but this isn't the first time she's physically attacked me. I don't want to ruin her school life, which I feel like I would do by reporting what she did to a teacher, but at the same time, at the moment I feel like I really don't want her to get away with what she did to me without any form of consequence. Is this about the banana? Is there more than just the banana? Seriously, she strangled me.

Thanks for the help. Stay hashtag dope. Love Caitlyn Snow. Oh, Caitlyn. I'm really lost. I went through, I had a change of heart in the middle of that. Oh. What were you thinking before and then what was the change of heart?

Well, I was thinking like, don't be friends with this girl anymore. This girl strangled you, that's bad. And then this girl, all of a sudden, I'm going to tell the teachers, don't do that. Yeah. Come on. Easy does it. There's a snitching policy around here. Yeah.

You can't snitch. Yeah. Strangling is so real. I've never been choked for real. That must be very startling. All she had to do was let go of the banana. Yeah, she did. It's her fault.

Blame the victim. Oh, yes. Shit. I mean, here's a question for you, Caitlyn, if you're listening. She's not. Okay. I'm blind. No, no, no.

I would see her anyway. Have you talked to your friend seriously about this? If it's this important to you, and it's affecting you this much where you don't want to be partnered in school with your best friend of five years, then maybe you should talk to her about it. But this is a one-time thing. She strangled her once, but she has mood swings. History of mood swings. I fucking hate to say it, but I agree with Global again.

Really? Yeah. I think me and him are going to start a podcast together. This is what he wants. No, it's not. It's not. Oh, my God. I don't want this.

No, stop. Please. We just get along better. Me and him are probably going to start our own podcast together. Dude, I'm telling you, you shouldn't start a podcast with him. You don't. God, we don't. You know, we sell him, man.

Oh, my God. He's a nice guy. He actually said you'd be talking me out of it. Has anybody choked you before? Not in that context. Sure. Yeah. It was a grapefruit.

Sure. Really? Yeah. But for real choked, not just grabbing. Mrs. Wolfe, if you're still listening, turn it on. Mom, I told you. This shit is about to get juicy. Your son is into some illicit behavior.

You choked someone or you got choked? I got choked. Really? By who? Well, I mean, obviously not. Do I know him? What are they doing right now? I'm not fucking hanging out.

Was it just once or was it like? It was just once. Was it nice? It was okay. She was like, I want to choke you. I want to choke you? Yeah, she was like, can I choke you? Oh, so she wanted to choke.

Yeah. And it's fine when it's like, oh, I'm squeezing your neck muscle. But was she squeezing down on your trachea, actually cutting off oxygen? That's the part where I wasn't really into it. Oh, that's what you did. She actually went for the actual strangulation. It wasn't just a playful squeeze on the neck. It was actually cutting air off to your brain.

She's pretty dedicated, I would say. Oh, yeah. I mean, she was like, you know, something struggled for a whole minute. I don't know. Some people are over the head with a crock. I don't know. Get out from here. Her hands were just like reaching for anything on the coffee table.

She was a vigilante hero who was set to murder him. It was a really, really long con, because then I had the fingerprints on my neck. And then I went into the police station and I said, this was not consensual. Yeah, you're wearing a prosthetic neck that actually held indentation longer than normal. No, she was cool. But it was like, oh, ultimately no. But I told her and then she didn't do it. So that's my advice for Caitlin.

It doesn't seem like your friend is going to strangle you again, because you've learned your lesson not to take her bananas. You should have done it. You should have done it. What I should have done is given her your banana. Nice. Tight. That was a good one.

Oh, man. Your dick is curved and yellow. I did see you urinate earlier. Yeah. That is not legal at all. It has the same contour. A subtle curve. A subtle curve, a subtle contour.

For the line of boomerang. Sure. A couple brown spots here and there. Only that time of the month where it gets a little less ripe. I think you got to just get over it, right? I mean, what are you going to have a talk with her? Don't strangle me anymore? She didn't.

It was a one-time thing. She's apologizing. It's over. I don't have a heavy-handed talk with her. I feel like, hey, that wasn't cool. I don't know when this question happened. She already said that. She already said that she apologized.

What did she say when this girl, like, I guess we don't know what this girl said when the other girl apologized. Say the other girl apologized and she's like, no, no, no, it's fine. It's fine. I'll just, and then she's like saying, I'm going to go tell the teachers and it wasn't fine. Then like, she, I think she has to explicitly say, I appreciate you apologizing. That wasn't cool.

I didn't like it. Never lay a finger on me again. It is weird when things get super real, like amongst friends. Yeah. The closest thing I've gotten is like when somebody called Shotgun and the other person just steals it, and then it's like an actual physical altercation to get that a real person out of a seat. Yeah.

And it's just at the end of the day, you're both going to whatever play, you're both going to the movies, man. Like, chill. The backseat's fine. Yeah. It's better. I like the backseat. You're just like texting the entire time.

Yeah, that's the best part. You can stretch out. You get text in Shotgun. Yeah. It's not polite. I shot in the backseat. Often. The bitch.

Yeah, I shot. I don't do that. John will shoddy bitch seat and then just spread his legs out really well. That's a very long six, two legs. Totally legal. Spider legs. Totally, totally subtle. I think you...

That happens more with guys, I think, where you like get into like a playful fight and then it turns real. Yeah. Yeah. Girls don't have... Happens with you and Dave. Yeah. All the time.

And happens with me and Jeff, too. And it happens with me and my brother. Like... But it was over, though. Well, I guess this isn't exactly that, but you're playfully fighting, but then you actually want to assert your dominance. You're like, well, I want to win. Right.

Even in this joke fight. Yeah. And then you get really seriously mad. Somebody like elbows you and face by accident and it actually hurts and then you start punching. Right. It crosses that threshold where it becomes real. Right.

But this, I feel like that happens to dudes. I don't... I've never heard of... I rarely hear of like girls getting into a physical fight with each other. Especially straining yourself. Yeah. Dave has definitely strangled me. No.

Strangling me. It's so funny when things get too well. You're like, no, stop. Stop. I'm serious, Dave. Stop it. I really can't breathe. I would never say that.

But I feel that all the time. I punched Jeff in the neck once. Oh, really? Yeah. It was pretty funny. And did he say that that actually hurt? Yeah. I mean, almost immediately.

Because I shouldn't have done that. Stop it. That actually hurt. What are you doing? Did he take your banana or...? He was like... I think he was like saying... He was like egging me out.

Like come at me. Like saying you can't do anything. Whatever. And then I meant to just tackle him. But I sort of just like punched him in the throat as I was going to. Do you bring it up? I say don't bring it up. I say at least don't bring it up to the teachers.

Yeah. If she apologizes again, like you say, she keeps on apologizing. This is between friends. That's so funny to imagine her walking into class like, I told our science teacher that you strangled me three weeks ago. It didn't happen in science class. I know, but I felt like she had the right to know. I'm sorry.

What are telling everyone in the business? I don't think a teacher really does anything in this situation. Right. And the teachers are going to sit both of them down and say, hey, don't do that. You can't do that. And then it's really weird between the two. Yeah. It's weird that now we're the age of teachers.

Like people, what if a two-fifteen-year-old came up to you like, she strangled me. You're like, oh, sorry. I don't know what to say. It doesn't matter. Life is so fucking long. You're still good. You good now? If you're fine now, I think I'm going to walk out of the classroom.

I'm done here. All right. The teachers must be, like they're, they're just like on Tinder trying to fuck people. Yeah. And they have to like deal with little kids' problems. I wonder if, like, I mean definitely, but I wonder when like my teachers would come to work hungover. And like I just didn't know what that meant.

Oh my gosh. Yeah. Like my elementary school teachers. Think back on every time you ever watched a movie unexpectedly. Oh yeah. That was a hangover day. Yeah. I had teachers in high school that were 22 or 23.

Now I see 22 years. It's dangerous. 23 years. Oh my gosh. You're so young. Like how can you teach high schoolers? Yeah. But that's the nature of education in America now.

Let's talk about pedagogy. And this is why we brought John on the podcast. Yeah. Because we really wanted to tackle the idea of pedagogically speaking. Where do you see ourselves moving? Not only macro, but on a local level. All right. Let's take a break.

John will often say, well, we have to think locally. Which is what I think. Let's take a break to think one more sponsor. And then we'll be back with more John Wolf. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help.

And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelphelp.com slash if I were you. Check them out. Thanks, Better Help. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Oh, wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code

or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace

and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial.

Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you. Squarespace. Wait, we're back. We're back. Let's talk about this.

This is a pretty big deal. I ask local if he flosses every day. He doesn't know where I'm going with this. But I feel like we're going to be trapping. Leading. Leading the witness. I can get him in a corner. I really think he's almost trapped.

All right. Continue. What were you saying? I will get him to admit to every wrongdoing. It's a very, very, very delicate web I'm leaving. With floss. Your dentist said you have shallow gums. What does that mean?

Oh, can I guess? Yeah. It's supposed to travel down in between every teeth. When they don't, it's a sign of gums not supporting the teeth well enough. One way to do- To help gums. Support gum disease is by flossing the bacteria away. Absolutely.

That's my understanding too. I didn't go to- Some people never floss. But I flossed every day. John did go to dentistry school. We just said I did not. Just because he would fart in the back of the glass. We don't know how.

There's a lot of dentists that are upset because most of their education was spent in a really smelly classroom because of the local one. John Wolf graduated dentistry school, became a dentist, worked his way up just so he could. It's so weird saying he, just so I could. I went to dentistry school. I went to dentistry school just to be that dentist who starts working in your mouth and then talks to you. Oh yeah.

And occasionally spits in your mouth. Just once. Yeah. Can you imagine? I don't know if there's an occupation I want to do less than dentists. Just scraping on the side. Just scraping on the side. What about a podiatrist?

No. I would totally rather be a podiatrist. I can get into feet. Just scraping dirt out of people's teeth and mouths. That's a hygienist. Yeah. The dentist just rolls up, looks in and is like, cool. That's right.

They only play the big games. I'm talking root canals. Wait. But aren't they still drilling into my teeth sometimes? Yeah. They'll do the cavity fills. Oh. Yeah.

The first. Yeah. The most painful. All right. Oh. We want to talk real quickly that we're going to Australia. Have you ever been to Australia? I wish.

Yeah. You wish you had or you wish you would come with us? Both. I wish that I could go with you and experience Australia for the first time with you guys. That would be great. You've earned that right. The tour with Glocal. The Glocal tour.

Touring Glocal. How many weeks do we need to take off work? Two, it looks like. The shows are five days. Oh, yeah. We're now at a point. We're definitely wealthy. Yeah.

Yeah. We have infinite money and time. Right. And technically, Australia is work. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. That's true. You're not taking off work.

I am. So chill with the acquisitions. You got us riled up. That's why you came here. June 9th at the Gov in Adelaide. June 10th at the corner in Melbourne. We've gotten a lot of emails and tweets that we're pronouncing. Melbourne.

Sure. Where do you guys land on that? Melbourne. And Melbourne is how you say it in their accent. Aren't I still pronouncing it correctly when I say Melbourne? I don't know. Probably not. This is me on stage at Melbourne.

What's the deal with Melbourne? Brisbane. Yeah, Brisbane. Oh, June 11th at the Metro Theater in Sydney. That show is almost sold out. And we just got an email that said they're making it all ages. Oh, shit. The Sydney show is all ages?

Yeah. Get on that, motherfuckers. June 16, 15, 14. Don't come if you're 13. 12, 11. Skip 9s. All ages. Except 13.

Always except 9 and 13. That Sydney show. 13 is bad luck we skipped that age. Sydney show almost sold out, but it is now all ages. June 12th. Is that the only one that's all ages? For now, we're working on it. We're working on it.

Well, I'm not doing anything. Yeah, but people are working on it. Cool. June 12th at the Trifit in Brisbane and June 14th at the Aster in Pith. See, like when I say Perth, are people complaining? No, no. You should only say P-E-T-H. Peth.

Peth. Peth. Like are they telling me to say it in an accent? Or is that how you... I don't know. I don't know enough about languages. Either way, we're going to be in Australia. We could talk about it in person if you come to the shows.

Brisbane. Melbourne. Melbourne. Sydney. Adelaide. Adelaide. Adelaide. Adelaide.

Nice. Thanks. You can't go there anymore. Really? Yeah, you just really have to. I specifically apologize for that at customs. Like Bart Simpson on the border of Australia and America. All right.

Did you have anything you wanted to plug? Do you want to mention? Yeah. Where are you going? Making animations for our YouTube channel. Oh, shit. Yes. That was awesome.

Do you want to talk about it? Should I brag about it? Sure. Yeah. In my... Well, first tell people where they can find it. I feel like... Yeah.

I feel like before we talk about it, let's say where it is. So if people want to pause the podcast... You want to pause and then watch it. And then go back and listen. Oh, the old pause. Pause, watch, like, share, and comment. Don't blog. Subscribe, re-blog, dig, and retweet.

Post it on StumbleUpon. Where can... We should put it on IfIReviewShow.com. I thought I did. Oh, that would be great. But I thought I guess we just Facebooked about it. That would be awesome. You Facebooked and retweeted me, which was so cool.

Okay. So we'll put it on IfIReviewShow.com, but also what's here? So every Saturday for a year, a couple of friends and I made a video. 15 seconds or less. So we did that for a full year. You can find those at youtube.com. J-Wolf Saturday Shorts. Saturday Shorts was taken.

Wow. That's too bad. Without Sunday Shorts. By you, you often will just squat on domain names. I squatted on a domain name for eight years, uploaded one video, and now I can't do it. So we did that for a year, and then I was like, oh, part of... Some of those videos were animations, and I was like, these are getting a great response, and I really like animation.

So I think for the second season of Saturday Shorts, I'm going to do less, but I'm going to do longer animations. Less quantity, more quality. Yeah, exactly. So the first one that I did came out a couple of weeks ago, and it was an adaptation of three John Wolf stories from this very podcast. So you used our audio, but you animated it with your vision. I did.

I stole the audio from you guys. Which was very cool. It was very local of you, actually. Oh, I want to thank a Redditor, Bozarkian, for... Ah, Bozarkian! He downloaded everything, or he or she downloaded everything and cut all the stories up. It was very easy for me. Oh, that's great.

Yeah, so thank you. You know, you have your own subreddit. John Wolf stories? Indeed. Is it John Wolf or John Wolf stories? I think it's John Wolf. R slash John Wolf. That's great.

People submitting their own John Wolf stories. It's a very interesting life. We should start saying some of those on the show. We should, and then you can animate them. You can animate them. You can animate more. So where can people see it? Your YouTube channel?

It's youtube.com slash J Wolf Saturday Shorts, J-W-O-L-F. My name, contrary to popular belief, does not have an H, does not have an E. Oh! J-O-N-W-O-L-F. Which is kind of in a weird, subtle way messed up. I don't know why yet. Just because he likes when people misspell his name. He likes to correct them.

By the way, 350 people have signed up for this subreddit, which is not a small amount. The two things are, you can either globalize a link or localize a story. Those are the two upload options. That's so funny. We'll also put the animation on our website, if I were you, show.com. It's fun. I'm very happy with how it turned out. How do you animate?

Oh, no, we loved it. It's great. How do you animate it? How did you animate? Well, goodnight. I'm done. How did you animate it? I drew all of the assets in Photoshop.

Over the course of the year of making the other 52 videos, I learned what worked and what didn't work. I started out making everything practically. Yeah, it was like stop motion. Yeah. I cut out paper and photographed it and moved it and photographed it. It's like the original South Park. Yeah, the pilot. I really like how that feels, but it takes so long.

So I taught myself flash animation. So I draw all the assets in Photoshop and then I import them into flash and build the puppets from there. Can you do that after work? Yes, sir. Do you do that instead of look at porn? Or do you also do the porn? I also do porn. So what do you do?

So like, Jake's trying to understand where to wedge this. If you wanted to learn flash, what is he getting rid of? It's very, it's difficult. What do I lose? What do you lose? Some sleep, probably. Oh, you do it when you should be sleeping. Yeah.

I need to sleep 12 hours a night. Yeah, that's a lot. I know. That's almost an unhealthy amount of sleep. Especially because it's 14. Yeah, I said 12 hours. I said at least 12. At least 12.

Usually it's 14. Yeah. Most of the time it's 16 and a lot of the time it's 24. I'm hibernating. I'm hibernating. I'm going the full distance, baby. I went to bed last night at 8.30 PM and woke up at 8 PM. How is that fair?

23 and a half hours strong. All right. Do you have time to answer one more question? I would love to. Global. Do you have any more of his stories? Oh, shit, yeah. I've got a story.

Oh, really? This is how you guys have affected. You guys have incepted your way into my life. Okay, let's hear one of yours. I can't see the name Wolf without thinking, oh, John Wolf. Not myself, but this character. That's so crazy. I got a mailer for this play that's just called Mr. Wolf.

Oh, man. I was just like, oh, fuck. John Wolf. Or at my apartment building to get into the garage. There's a gate and lately there's been a push by management to close the gate. Yeah, yeah. People hate open gates for some reason. Yeah.

Apparently there's been some robberies in the area. I don't know my car was broken into. Oh, so I guess it couldn't be you. It didn't do it. No, I guess why would it be John? His own car was broken into. He wanted people to think. I like that.

So now the management is up in arms. Yeah. They're posting signs like close the gate, which is like messes with the... Yeah, it's very subtle. Yeah. The block doesn't look as nice with the sign on the cat. Oh, of course. So I get home and the gate is closed.

Often it's not locked. It's just like latched shut, but it's just I've driven home. I'm tired from a long day of work. Yeah. And I have to get out of my car and open this gate. And every time I do it now, I think, man, this is such a John Wolf thing to do. Like it's sometimes it's the middle of the day and I come home and it's closed. And I'm like some fucking John Wolf global just closed because he knew that I would

have to get out of my car. And it's so subtle because it's protecting me. It's protecting my car. I can't really complain about it. I can't complain about it. Yeah. But I really want to. That is a John Wolfism.

It's a very John Wolfism. Here's another John Wolfism. Tell me if this is true, you jump over the subway turnstile leaving the station. So you're not sneaking in, you're just sneaking out, which sort of just puts people on high alert and like it starts like the cops start to hesitate towards you before it realizes it kind of gives them away for people who are actually taking a lot. I wish I was agile enough to jump over a subway turnstile. All right.

So you're denying that one. I'm going to say that was false. So you're going on the record as denying everything, which is probably not true. But fair. Last one. Hey, you go to open houses. So like on Sunday, there's a bunch of open houses around Los Angeles or whatever city you live in.

Buyer's market. Absolutely. And you'll just walk around with your, you're holding your arm, like holding your hands behind your back. So you seem very like smart and authoritative and then you like step on how to do it. You know how to do it. You like place the wall. You don't have to tell me.

You'll step on floors. It feels a little slanted. You're talking to yourself, not to anyone else, but like people will overhear it. And then you like touch a knob. You're like, Jesus, why not just spring for the good stuff? Like stuff like that. Again under my breath. Yeah, under your breath.

But like people sort of hear it and like start to realize like maybe they shouldn't put an offer on this house. Oh, it's loud enough for other people. Not the realtor. Yeah. But it's loud enough for, yeah, for other people to hear. And then like the, they'll be like apples and cookies, you know, things out like they put in the open house and John will take like one bite and then ask for a trash can or

he'll put it back. Oh yeah. Which is not illegal. Very subtle. And then like if you, you walk up to the broker at one point and be like, is there a typo in the asking price? It seems a little high. And then they're like, no, that's what we're hoping to get.

We probably will get. And you just laugh and walk away. I leave. I leave the open house. I'm like, okay. Yeah. So then it's like who would want to put in an offer? Like this guy just said that like this was like probably a hundred thousand dollars too

much. Right. Also on the way in, you purposely step in dog shit so you're like kind of tracking around. Right. The entire time. And you'll get to what? How many open houses can you do in like one neighborhood in a day, 8, 12, 16?

I mean, it depends on how. So you're admitting that, you know, you know, you've got a bit of a quarrel, you know, what is it not illegal? I want to let's redact that statement from the record, please. He can't be caught. How can it be caught? You know, I during the break, I actually passed by the thermostat this. Did you turn it up?

I did not. And it was at 98 degrees. And I think that might have been something that you did on your way in. Do you like that band or something? Is that your little colleague or something? Yeah. I'm a huge fan of Nik Lachey himself, which really just puts people off. Yeah.

Why couldn't you choose Backstreet Boys or Incinct? You had to choose the other option. Yeah. What's wrong with you? I'd say if you asked a lot of people in your life how you make them feel, it's ill at ease is what they say. Yeah. Yeah.

A lot of them are ill at ease. And when rooms are 98 degrees, it's like the same temperature as your own body. So you start like feeling a little lightheaded, like you don't know where your own skin doesn't really separate any temperature change. So it just gets you a little nauseous. Is that true? No. You've already said enough.

You bastard. My silence has said too much. All right. One question left. That's funny. Did the real estate think it was that from you? Amir, is that from the Reddit? I got to read the subreddit.

Oh, no, that's one that I heard. It wasn't from our subreddit. Yeah, it was. That gave it a while. You're the great one. That was just, you hear things. Sure. When you hang out enough, people must be confused.

Who are you and what do you actually do? How do we even know you? I am a producer for Big Breakfast College Humor. So you help make the videos that College Humor makes. I was lucky enough to help produce, I want to say, eight Jake and Amir's. The road trip. The road trip.

Yeah. A real pleasure. Which was a fucking hard one to do because we had to shoot on the road and figure out how to get here. I was there. That would have been really fun if you were. Yeah. Who knows what kind of produced.

Yeah. Well, you would have worked in Nashville, Austin, New Orleans to just name a few. To imagine you and Charlotte really burns my bones. During Mardi Gras, John will go around with lots of beads and just to get girls to show them his breasts. And he won't give them the beads. Or their breasts and then he just won't give them the beads. He doesn't.

He's not required to. Yeah. And he'll just, he'll say shame on you. Oh, that's the word. It's really it. The beads will say shame. The beads say shame. They're all personalized.

Shame on you. You get the beads of shame. They're all, they have different names on them. But what's your name? What's your name? Amber? Hold on. Oh, that's real.

Shame on you. Amber. Yeah. Or the beads say their father's name and you'll do your research. So fucked up. Yeah. So it's just like no girl wants to be reminded of that at that moment. Beads that say Philip.

I can't. I can't imagine. All right. This is a guy. A guy. A guy talking about a woman who just wants to love him. What's a guy's name? Barry Allen.

The Flash. Is that why you use Flash to animate your videos? You fucking nerd. You love the Flash so much that you have to use Adobe Flash. Is that why you've got people to flash with it? Hey, you're yelling at us. Why are you yelling at us? You're playing it to his hand.

I know. But it's fine. He wants to be victimized on this podcast. He wants a sympathy vote. This is like the end of seven. Become vengeance of me or become wrath. I want you to kill me. That's my last.

That's my final John Wolfism. It's not illegal to get someone to kill you. Yeah. All right. Hey, guys. I'm in high school and I have this problem where my girlfriend keeps biting me and I hate it. I'm not talking about love bites.

She tries to bite me hard enough to make it feel like she's eating something. I told her that I didn't like it, but she argues that she's just being herself. Now she's pissed at me for trying to change her even when she makes me change all the time. My friends tell me that I should just take the bites and be happy that she's interacting with me at all. What do I do? I love these friends.

Can I say first? Yeah. I'll take it. Yeah. Trust me, dude. You trust me. You can do better than her. I'm imagining all these friends are single and they're just like, I wish someone would

bite me. Yeah. They'd kill to be in your position. What would you do if your girl kept biting you and she's like- And I've already said, please stop? Yeah. She's like, that's just me. Take it or leave it.

God. And now I was in high school. Probably take it. So in high school, you would take it. High school, me would take it. Yeah. Right. Because any sex you get in high school is such a bonus.

Well, he doesn't say that they're having sex. She's just biting him. Oh, that's true. Yeah, they're not having sex. They're not having sex. She's just biting you, break up with you. Yeah. If you're getting something better than second base, let's say, it's worth the bite marks.

No, it sounds like she's also making him- looking past the bite stuff, he was like, she tries to change me all the time. Yeah. That sounds pretty bad for a girlfriend. Right. Well, she tries to change him. Yeah, that's what he said. He said, she tries to change me all the time.

Well, that's kind of hard because like, when you're in a relationship and you, let's say, I eat with my mouth open, which I do, and a girlfriend would be like, oh, you should close your mouth when you eat. Technically, she's trying to change me, but it's for the better. Right. So how do you draw the line like, oh, that's just me being me, take it or leave it versus- Shacks and balances, man. You're making him better.

Every time somebody suggests that you do something different, you say, are they right, and do I want to do that? Like, would that improve myself? Right. You have to- you just run it by yourself first. Yeah. Does it make me a better person? Right.

She's like, hey, keep your mouth closed when you chew, and you would be like- Oh, that's good. Yeah, I should. That's good advice. I will do that. Yeah. Unless you had no self-awareness to be like, oh, but that's normal for me and it's fine for me to chew with my mouth open.

Right. It always matters like the way she says it, because if you are with somebody who's like, I think you're great, would you mind closing your mouth when you chew because it grosses me out? It's disgusting, really. Yeah. I'm revolted by you. You gross me.

You are gross to me. Yeah, I think your communication is also key. Right. So you're saying this girl kind of- Absolutely. This is- the phrase she tries to change me all the time is a red flag. To me, yes. Is that- look, she's not writing in, right?

We're not helping this guy out. This guy's like, how do I get my girlfriend to stop biting me? And you guys are like, just let her change you, bro. Just let her just go for it. He needs advice on how to tell her to change. Right. This is why I want to start a podcast with- Thank you.

Global here. We've been talking about- I really think- He was criticizing you. No, he wasn't. Yes, he absolutely was. No. He said you guys.

No, he said you blew and fell. No, you guys. Don't you see what he's doing? You guys? He's creating a schism. Absolutely a schism drift. Oh, see, that's what you are doing. He's wedging.

You're calling it- You're saying that. This is global wedge. He hasn't said anything. Absolutely. You guys, you're putting words in my mouth. The wedge? Yeah.

I love the wedge. The wedge and the pinch. The wedge and the- Shit, the wedge and the pinch? That's dope, man. That's a cinch. You're listening to the wedge and the pinch. We both have the same voice, and you're listening to the wedge.

I'm the pinch, and I'm the wedge. That'd be so funny to try. I'm the pinch. What do you think, bitch? I don't know wedge. I swear it's the same guy. It's the less than Jacob podcast. Do they have multiple singers that do the same?

Yeah, you know that song? Do you think it's that? There's a way. Two different guys? Two people sing that song. What? Why? What a waste.

What a waste of resources. Do you have an identical voice twin? Now I'm so grateful for Blink 182 having vastly different voices. Yeah, that's the key. That's why it was so easy to listen to a Blink album, man. That's a Tom first. That's a Mark first. Travis is fucking wailing away, which is tight too.

Does he ever sing? Travis? No, I don't think so. He tried once, and it was so bad that they had to cut him off. They gave him a dummy microphone, and Travis sings for him. He thinks it's out of his mouth. So you say, tell her or no? How about if I were you?

Tell her about it. Tell her everything you feel. This is amazing. That's Travis. I think I would probably, I don't know. I would probably say again and again, don't bite me. I don't like it. Yeah, it hurts.

But you wouldn't break up? I probably wouldn't break up. I don't think biting is enough of a reason to break up with someone, but I don't think I would ever take the biting. I think I would continually say, ow, don't, every time she bit me. You know you should do, sorry, what were you going to say? What would you do? Oh, what would I do?

Yeah, I would say, please stop biting me. I don't like it. What bothers me about the email is her response to him saying that, where she's like, you're trying to change me, which is this ridiculous, like she's not listening to what he's really saying. Yeah. You know, which is this hurts me and I don't like it. I want to be in a relationship with you, but I can't if you keep doing this.

And she's not hearing that. No. So I would just keep trying. You really are a doctor fill of yourself. Yeah, absolutely. I don't know. I've never listened to doctor fill, but I can only imagine. And you're only mad.

He's just another bald guy that you know. Actually, I think he, I feel like he might be dangerous. So I take that, that's more of an insult that I meant it to be. But it's still true. You're good. Oh, thank you. Next time she bites you, this is what you do. You cut yourself a little bit every day in that mark until it becomes infected.

That's such a global thing. And then she's, she's like, oh my God, like my innocuous bites, which I thought were like cute and funny are actually really bad. Like you, you had to like almost lose it. You like fake go to the doctor. Oh yeah. Oh, that's if I were global. Yeah.

That's what I would do. That's your podcast. Yeah. If I were global. If I were global. What would you do? I think if I were global, I would, I think I would start doing really well in biology class and get a wreck from a biology teacher to go like intern at like a veterinary hospital.

And then I would get in like really good with the staff there and earn their trust. And I would be like, yo, I can lock up, you know, like you need to lock up. The characters you play. That's insane. Catch me if you can. I would, I would. How many wigs do you have? One of every color.

And then get like, I don't know, like files or something or like a, some sort of like saline pill where you could like, so she bites you. Oh. And then you like get on your medical records, like rate you like, hey, babe, I went to the doctor and like, I have rabies from you biting me. But like up for the week, up to you telling her that, like you've been taking these saline pills. What does that do?

I just like, or something. I'm not, I'm not a doctor. I don't know what saline does. Just a word that sounds medical. It seems like saltwater. Nothing. Something, something that makes you like foam, you know, like an Alkacel, just like an Alkacel in your mouth.

Gotcha. And then foam at the mouth a little bit every day. So she notices, but you're like, I don't know what it is. And then you go to the doctor and it's like, oh, these bites gave me rabies. So you convinced her that she's a rabbit of sorts. Yeah. That's what global would do. That's, that's what global would do.

Which is another option. All right. That's it. I guess that's it. We gave you a lot of advice, a lot of options. John, thanks for coming on the show. Thank you guys so much for having me. Yeah, what an honor.

And thanks for animating those episodes for us. And hopefully more to come. More to come. I am going to do some other animations. I am not uploading every week because I'm trying to make them longer and better quality. But trying to hit. Thank you so much. How long did that take?

I logged it. It took about 50 hours, I want to say. Why'd you log it? Because up until then, I didn't know how long it took. So I wanted to be able to scale it to be like, oh, this is how long it takes me to do this type of video. It took me 50 hours. And I think next time, so I'm going to. You're meticulous.

And that's something that you use. Yeah. Very detail-oriented. To everyone's disadvantage sometimes. Except for your own. And for the next one. Sure. What were you saying?

I was just going to say for the next one. Because I really want to animate Sam Rice's story. And I want to animate Emily Axford's story because I think those are very funny. And visually, yeah, it's visually very funny. Drink my yellow rage. So that one, I'll probably do in a couple. I'm trying to release one a month. But when this podcast is coming out this Monday.

There probably won't be a new animation right away. I do encourage people to check out the channel and subscribe. But there probably won't be a new animation until the end of April or the first Saturday in May is my goal. That's cool. And ideally, people will subscribe and you'll just never release a video. You'll release some sort of weird tear smut. Or something. People are like, why is this in your feed?

If you follow me on Twitter, I will update when I post a video. Oh, it's your Twitter handle. It's J-Wolf Tweets. There it is. J-Wolf Tweets. Thank you for coming on the show. Thank you guys so much. The email address, if you have your own questions.

If I were you show at gmail.com, we start and end every episode with a brand new theme song. We need more theme songs. So send them over. The opening one was written by Lewis. This last one was by somebody who said they didn't want to be named. So you have one last name for us. I think it's a lady. A lady who made this theme song.

Anonymous. Yeah, anonymous theme song. Wow. She didn't want people to know that she listened to this show. I bet her theme song is amazing. It's a lady. It's a Strokes cover. Linda Park.

Linda Park. Thanks, Linda. Thanks to you guys and thanks, John. We'll be back soon. See you guys soon. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.