If I Were You - 148: Master

Episode Date: April 20, 2015

In this episode we discuss Instagram, accidents, and elders.This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com and DollarShaveClub.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

I love the podcast if I were you I wanna listen every day to these two jewels It means so much to me When they tell me to go out and seize the cheese I really love the podcast Toda Yeah I liked that

That was a laugh riot I really liked it Yeah, I guess so You're making me uncomfortable What is that? You've listened to that song 19 times today It's a catchy little ditty Yeah, you haven't

You've shit yourself I want to Two times I wanted to do that It's like a morning deuce and an evening deuce And you didn't change I called it a quattro I went do for deuce

That person Has to be anonymous You know what's interesting? I was gonna predict Yeah That I think he... It sounded like that was the first time he ever made a song And I don't mean that as an insult

Because I think he's got a lot of talent It was almost like Oh, I'm just gonna try my hand at this To see how it goes And he like killed it Like he's the kind of guy That's just good at everything maybe But he's a little uncertain

He's a perfectionist Dude, you got a lot of potential You should start singing That's what I'm saying Well, anonymous 15 year old If you're listening 15

Yeah, if you want us to give you credit after all Let us know Keep it up, dude Here we are In our new home We are in your master bedroom Yes, it is The bedroom is the master

Because I am the master We are switching rooms At the halfway point of the month Yeah, not quite the halfway point At which point you... The master is speaking I relinquish the bedroom I do not relinquish the master

I will always be the master Once you exit the master Which I think when this episode comes out Which will be on April 20th I will officially... If you're listening to this right now You're hearing the voice of one The master

You will be in the master You are currently hearing not the master Top for a second Top for a second I want people to hear what the master doesn't sound like No, you don't tell me what to do For now, you happen to be the master I am the master

And I will always be the master What if I'm living in the master? I think that you will be You will be a little bitch And I will be the master You will be in the little bitch room We're going to switch rooms Your room is going to have...

I don't even want to call that an en suite That is an en sour That room has an en sour Not an en suite It is a half sink, half toilet We've got a beautiful four bedroom Four bathroom Home in Santa Monica

Sure, I have the master I've got a private balcony I've got two walk-in closets And I've got a Jacuzzi tub And I'll have them And by the time you're listening to this episode And I do deserve that because I am the master But you know Marty's room

He's got a balcony as well He's got an en suite He doesn't have a walk-in closet But he's got a dual sink en suite Stand-up shower And then my sister Sarah In the third bedroom She does not have an en suite

She borderline has an en suite She has a communal nice bathroom A communal bathroom doesn't actually apply here Because it's her Nobody else uses that bathroom But you are allowed to use it Because it is a communal bathroom It's not a private bathroom

That is for certain it is not a private bathroom If I take a shower, I walk out right into my bedroom She takes a shower, she walks out into a hallway But she can close off She can close off the hallway She has access to it Your bedroom has Sure, it's a full-size bed

Oh, it looks like it's built for a toddler Absolutely, it is a race car bed But you've got an en suite I don't have an en suite What's the record show that you have an en suite? That You do have an en suite And you've got a dual closet

You have a very nice closet You also have a private balcony With its own private entrance So I would argue That you have the third Worst room, not the worst room I, of course, have the master I, of course, am the master

I hate for people to listen to this on April 20 And assume that you have the master That's simply not the case At the time of recording You walked into the house before I got here You laid claim to the master Because I am the master You served the master

I didn't usurp the master And soon you will You serve the master Yeah, I don't think so And I am the master I lived in the cabin for six months And I was the master then, too So you don't need the master

I don't need the master to be the master But it does feel right when I occupy the master Hey, you're listening to If I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet Hosted by us, I am the master And I'm the master Right in Next place

Let us know who is the master Next Next place we get We just share a bedroom And there's two open bedrooms We're actually both the master Yeah, we just brought two girls home And they're like not gonna have a foursome with us

Well, I don't know what to tell you I can't unoccupy If I said master as the master As soon as I don't sleep here I look over, I just know it And then we finger blaster As the master Nice, correct

So how does this work? This is an advice podcast People will write us If I were you show at gmail.com And they need our guidance And here we are providing it Should we jump right into it? Is there anything else that we should talk about Right off the bat?

Is there anything like we were supposed to talk about the Master other than the master Uh, I don't Oh well, should we talk We can save it and talk about the newsletter Later on in the show Yeah, we do have a newsletter About the Sydney, Perth, Melbourne, Brisbane

Adelaide shows Later on in the show We also have an LA show Which may or may not be announced by the time this comes out If you're in Los Angeles, we're doing another show at the Hollywood Improv on May 8th But for now Let's get to the questions Perfect

Nice We need Ideally the name Of A master Jacob Hurwitz So let's do street names In Los Angeles to promote

Our live show At the Hollywood Improv May 8th That's really good So the first Name is going to be Hollywood A guy named Hollywood writes I've gotten myself into a

Sticky situation Please give me some advice, a few weeks ago I met this fine 22 year old lady I'm 19 at a party And long story short We met the day after at her place And had quite the fun Even though she was still a virgin

As she told me the night before During a drinking game As I turned around to get a good glimpse of her behind At some doggie style action She didn't pay enough attention And pop goes the weasel Into whole numero dose I noticed right away by the even greater

Tightness and the smell But I didn't want to admit my mistake So I just kept going It was quite nice actually The problem is I now have lost all respect for her She didn't say anything And just let me do this to her

Bear in mind it was her first time She's now on a two week vacation I don't know what to do I just don't think I can take her seriously anymore Tell me what to do Love Hollywood Excuse you Excuse you

I just don't think I can take her seriously anymore You're the one That slipped into the wrong hole You asked for nothing You said because you weren't paying attention Literally you asked So uh How's that ever happened to you

I've definitely slipped into the wrong hole But I think you must have a Microscopically small penis for her Not to When that happens Everyone's horrified You like pop into the wrong hole Like it hurts

They scream You scream because they scream You bend your dick against the Mom turn it off Turn off the podcast mama Everybody gets hurt It's not like Even the guy

Your penis is going up against I really do hope you turn off the podcast I can't be more clear about that I'm going to talk in detail about Something that I've never done Starting now Okay so I definitely Don't fuck with girls

So yeah Yeah it's painful I think it depends You come out and you just It's not necessarily just that hole But like just going against Something that your dick's not easily going to fit into You jam it

It's a tight squeeze It's not like you Are going in and out Oops wrong hole like in and out easily There's also no lubrication right Like vagina lubricates itself But does the anus No but like

If it's in the middle of sex then maybe it's like Your dick is also Your dick is lubricated because you've been Having sex So It's not like it's a barren desert When you slip in but yeah it is If you're going to have anal sex

You should be using like lube Massaging the anus to make it loose No one's ready for it It's a process So the fact that he thinks If maybe He didn't really slip into her butt and he just thought he did That's happened to me

Thought you slipped into somebody's butt Yeah I'm like whoa I hope this isn't Her B hole And then I'll feel the B hole and I'm like oh that's okay So I'm not in there Well I don't know what an actual but hole feels like Who did that happen with I obviously can't say

But I'm just saying like when I'm When it's happening and I'm behind and it's dark Then you don't I can't tell exactly what hole I'm hitting I always know that it's the vagina Because if it was the girl's ass It would It would be like hitting against a wall

Yeah I also have nothing to compare it against Because I've never actually done the anal one It feels A million times better I mean tighter Tighter is better That's where the phrase tight comes from

Like oh that's real tight Yeah I mean like I guess Everybody's got different buttholes That's beautiful That's your children's book Everyone's got different Everyone's got different buttholes

Mine's the porn version In my experience Going into someone's butt Is not something that anyone takes lightly You can't just slip your dick in and go to town And it's fine You need to Have a lot of lube

You need to like Go very easy Just a little bit and just the tip And don't go back and forth too much It's like I mean it's A victory when you get your dick all the way in Oh god

There's not like Full disclosure I have a huge dick Oh I see 12 inches Fully soft Everybody's dick Different everybody's butthole is different So maybe if she has a very

Wide butthole and he has a really small penis Maybe It's slipped in but I like very much doubt it Yeah so Also this doesn't even Answer his question We're just talking about anal sex Oh yeah well you're being an asshole

To answer your question what are you talking about Unintended Yeah I guess So not intended It was unintentional just like your anal sex Yeah there is no You shouldn't lose all respect for her Because she didn't say anything

Like cause you also didn't say anything You also did it So you Whatever you think about her you're worse You should feel about yourself And also though don't lose any It's fine you it sounds like You liked anal sex

He was like it felt pretty good So I didn't say anything You enjoyed the tightness of it You said So why on earth would you say That you don't like her because she let You have sex with her in a way that you really liked Right also she said

She was a virgin but then she did this This butt sex there's a lot of questions About this whole thing I really doubt If somebody's a virgin That like maybe Her vagina was really tight and you thought And like So maybe he didn't actually

Like if her Ass is in the air Then maybe there's a smell coming from there It's not because you stuck your dick in her ass It's maybe just because you're Looking right at it So in conclusion In conclusion you got this one wrong

And also you are wrong Because you are being A hypocritical Piece of shit Oh nice not a butthole Alright I'm not trying to demonize The butthole it's a beautiful thing So that's it

Give her a second chance Not that she even ruined anything Or did anything I don't even want to say like Don't like I don't even want to Respect this guy's question With an answer I don't know if I can take her seriously I don't think she I don't think You should be serious

You're not serious You're not serious You're not serious for any of this man Alright Let's get another guy's name For another male question Melrose Nice, thank you

writes Hey guys I thought I'd ask for your thoughts on something That I've been bothered with for a while The problem is I know that this is shallow The amount of Instagram followers that I have I'm in high school I'm not unpopular

Though I could be completely wrong And I don't think I'm bad looking So why do I only have 90 followers? Again I know this is really shallow But people at my school do judge you Based on things of this nature And I'm already pretty insecure as it is

I don't post stupid pictures But just in case I do And I'm oblivious to this You should totally check my page out at blank I don't write stupid things in my bio And yet I have less followers than anyone I know Can I do anything to change this?

Am I just being a goddamn pussy For worrying about such small things? I'd really appreciate your help Thanks Love Melrose Melrose, I think it's fine I don't know, 90 I mean, sure

90 is the amount of likes you get in 12 seconds I mean, come on Melrose Uh, but He does He does make a point when he thinks Maybe he's not worrying He should be worrying about more significant things

Don't you think? I don't know what's more significant than only having double-digit Instagram followers, unfortunately Like, I guess I can't really put myself in it I really can't put myself in issues Because you're a famous Because, yeah

Because I've got fame I do I am the master And I'm famous for that You're not famous for being a master I think I'm famous for being the master I think you're famous for comedy, internet comedy

No, you do that shit Right Exactly right So I'm the master Here's one thing we can do We should debate it

Because I don't know if this is Coach He gave us his Instagram name Right So we could, in theory, give it out right now Tens of thousands of people could follow him Does he have a private account? Let me look

I guess he'd just get all the requests Yeah, I mean, he would just approve it But then, like, this would be He does not have a private account This makes him not anonymous This lame-ass question Right, but it's fine because he probably complains about it

Do you think he complains? Do you think? I'm already pretty insecure Yeah, I know, we know, you emailed in an advice show about how you, quote-unquote, only have 90 followers on Instagram So now I'm on the fence as to whether we should What if we... I was gonna say, I don't know what this would do

other than it would be really funny I'm kind of trolling him in a way If we gave out his name then under the pretenses that everyone follow him and then a day later, unfollow him Oh, god That way he'll get thousands of followers

and then he'll go all the way back down to 90 Now I'm more into it because it's a really funny game So he'll be, like, on cloud nine and then not unfollowing right away the next post he does Everyone unfollows him I can't get behind it

It's the meanest thing we've ever done So he says, genuinely I'm insecure and I'm sad because I don't have a lot of Instagram followers Like, what should I do? And your solution is to First of all, he also wrote that thinking he'd be anonymous Or did he say

thinking that we'd pimp it out? Your solution is to announce who he is and not only not help him but bully him You want to be a cyber bully of yourself? I want to glocal him I think we said global did this

at one point even Getting everyone to follow someone on Instagram and then unfollow them with the rest the first photo Alright, so maybe we shouldn't give out his name Well, now I feel bad because you're upset You want to do it I feel like I have to stand up for this kid

My vote is no I don't think we should do that Why don't we let the gods allow it What do you mean? A rock, paper, scissors match That would be pretty good but you always know what I'm going to do So, is there something more random? What if you think of a number

one through twenty I'll have five guesses and if I get it right then it's like, at the very least you have a 75% chance of winning I feel like I'm way too predictable I won't think of the number, but what number would you guess first? Seven or eleven It would have been eight

You're on But it's got to be number Let's do a different different number thing A different set of numbers 21 through 40 I'm not giving you 21 numbers dude Alright, ready?

21 through 40 I'll get five guesses, so there's a 25% chance that we can give this guy's Instagram account Hold on one second This is riveting Nobody else knows what I'm doing I just google image search the number that I wanted

I want it to be big You've already given it all away Should I guess one at a time or just five numbers and then you flip it around I think one at a time The drama? Alright I'm accidentally mouthing it

My first guess is so obvious I can't imagine you didn't choose this number 40 No, not 40 Magic Johnson, 32 My age 32! Got it right off the bat

Yes Yes That's crazy man Excelsior That is why I chose it I bet So we're fucking age This also proves that other Didn't we talk about this once that I think I'm a little bit psychic

Two guesses I know That's impressive man You seem bummed I feel bad for this fucking kid How about we'll give it out but don't unfollow him That makes me feel a little bit better So just follow him

Yeah I mean I Don't think that I'm your partner on this Okay So let's help this guy We'll just help him out We're giving him the wrong lesson He's like oh I'm insecure about the amount of followers that I have

And then we're like alright Here's a lot of followers Instead of being like don't worry about it there are more important things I'm like trying to get you to not say this But I bet there's so many people listening that are like say my name too I want random instagram followers So maybe we shouldn't open up this floodgate Well let's just at least

Announce that this is the only time we will ever do this Yeah, okay Only time we'll ever do this And also to this kid It doesn't matter what your follower number is You can grow your account Organically by taking good photos Or doing whatever

Or it just doesn't matter 90 people is a good amount of people If you like and comment other people's photos They will like click onto your profile And perhaps follow you I mean that's really what it is Alright, so that's one way to do it Another way to do it is

To write in to our podcast And have us say everyone follow Elias underscore Weiss At E-L-I-A-S underscore W-E-I-S-S At Elias underscore

Weiss He has 90 followers right now He doesn't know we're doing this So it'll be a fun little social experiment To see what we can get him up to So you follow him By taking us to our shows As long as your computer's out

Whether you're with Hollywood Improv Whether you can make it or not And we just need to move units I don't care if we're performing to an empty Fucking room as long as the tickets are sold Follow Elias and then Get some nature box snacks That's on the big three

Alright, follow Elias Don't worry about it, things will get better Let's take a break, we'll come back With more questions right after this This show is sponsored By BetterHelp, thank you BetterHelp Finding yourself in a difficult Anxious, stressful situation

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And it's extra affordable, that's BetterHelp H-E-L-P.com If I were you, check them out Thanks BetterHelp Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode Of our show, wow! For years and years and years We've been ranting and raving about Squarespace

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I bet that's available And you can have it today And you can buy it through Squarespace And build an awesome website dedicated to me Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life And maybe you wanna give somebody a gift This season, a summer birthday coming up Who doesn't want a website?

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That first purchase Thank you, Squarespace Hey, we're Brack Just a fun little way to spice things up We are going to Australia We are going in June Our flights are booked Six months

We just booked AirBnB in Melbourne There we go Oh, way to pronounce it correctly Huh? Way to pronounce that correctly What do you mean? Melbourne I always said it like that

I am the master after all We're six weeks away, I should say Not six months Six weeks away Oh my god June 9th at an Adelaide June 10th in Melbourne Show is almost sold out

Is it really? Yeah, June 11th That was not all ages yet, right? No, it's not Only Sydney has made it all ages June 11th in Sydney We're trying to make them all ages But they might not be

Some places are less flexible than others June 12th in Brisbane June 14th in Perth Which I just saw is on the whole Of the side of the country Oh yeah We're basically doing like Miami, North Carolina That's also going to be our smaller show

DC, New York and LA Right, right It's just, it's all the way there That'll be the most intimate show Because we've sold 14 tickets to it Oh, much less 100 less than that And then if you happen to not live in Australia

And just live in Los Angeles We are doing a show at the Hollywood Improv On May 8th All the information will be on our website IfIReviewShow.com If you live in Los Angeles We are flying out of LAX To Sydney

Yeah To Melbourne Melbourne So is that crazy? I suggest that what? They come to the Melbourne show They should go on our flight? Yeah

That's what? What are you talking about? It's a quick 22 hours It's actually 13 hours But with the time change We're losing a day June 3rd won't exist for us We'll take off the second

Land on the fourth And then it's in that 13 hours Over the course of that time The third will have just come and gone That's crazy We should do something We should have like an anniversary on the third That we don't experience

Or my birthday Nice I should move my birthday to the third You can't do that Well I can figure some shit out You can't figure that out though You can't figure other shit out, sure Then on the way back

We land at We take off at like noon And land at 8am that same day We're like going back in time That's crazy Because there are 17 hours ahead But only a 13 hour flight We should order a hit on somebody

Oh Oh hey You kill Marty Yeah On June 3rd But then June 3rd never even happens So Marty's fine

What? Why don't we just not order the hit? Because I want to give a hitman money This is brilliant It has to work Thanks for yes-anding me We also have a newsletter The Amir and Jake's newsletter

First one's going to come out tomorrow If you're listening on Monday April 20th The first one is out On April 21st, Tuesday And if you sign up before that Tuesday You'll be entered For a chance to win my old glasses

The ones that I wore for the last like 300 episodes It'd be amazing I gave my email address That's right What if I win? What if I'm randomly selected? I was thinking about how to do How to randomly select

Because you know you can't come up with a random number Like As we just showed 48 That's so random actually 998.3 Right So all that stuff is coming from old

Like I can actually try to figure out shit Kind of like how I guessed 32 I only guessed 32 because I thought that was like The first number that you would think of Did you really? Yeah, because it's like a nice strong number It's my age And it's, I don't know

It felt right at the time But if you used a random number generator There are websites and books Dedicated to being a random number generator Then your number is completely uninhibited By any of your past experiences and memories Interesting So what I'll do is I'll download the list

As an Excel spreadsheet Let's say 5,000 people have signed up I'll download it And then I'll go to a random number generator And it'll just come up with one Like 3856 or whatever What's wrong with me coming up with a random number? Like I just said

Not random I just explained But it's like still it's random That it would like it would choose a random person Would it? Yes Well, what are the odds of you choosing one? 100%

Because I know I did it What are the chances of you choosing 1,000 or 2,000? No, you'll try to choose something weird and obscure And then you're sort of waiting it To people who joined in later or earlier I need a complete random generator I need one that'll give me one Just as likely as 1100

Just as likely as 2150 You piece of shit You are actually trying to sabotage this For me Yeah Yeah I really think you are a sabotager That is no way to talk to the master

I'm sorry Pip down, Pip squeak Point Dexter You are a master And I appreciate The fact that by the time you're listening to this I will be the master That's what you appreciate

Yeah, I really appreciate it You are the master and I appreciate that I am the master Two masters We're the prize of fun What's the benefit of subscribing to our newsletter, Amir? That's a good question One Exclusive content that you won't be able to get otherwise

Maybe we're gonna have a section That's just like, oh, here's a video we uploaded privately to Vimeo And you can watch it if you're on the newsletter Oh, that's a fun idea Yeah Maybe I thought of another idea for a section It will be called Random Picture on My Phone For that week

So I'll look through pictures on my phone And I'll upload a random one And you'll get it in your inbox That could be a section of the newsletter Another thing we could do is link to old videos And like provide insight, new insight to old videos Like we can show Oh, do you remember this random old Jake and Amir?

Prom? Did you know that we shot that the same day as this? Like in Ransom I have the eye makeup from Mime Oh, I didn't even know that Yeah, that's a fun little anecdote That is fun Because I wasn't able to remove that makeup well enough And then there's also, isn't, we did a nose job

And then we shot another video after that And your nose is like healing a little bit Right, but that was on purpose Right, right Yeah, Ransom one was just an accident That's fun What's another thing we could do for the newsletter? Insight to shows that we might have not announced yet

So you can be the first to find out stuff like that I don't know, we don't know what the newsletter is going to be But it's just going to be an easy way to keep in touch with us Let's say we have exciting news to announce And we're going to wait until Tuesday to announce it Or it's coming out every Tuesday? Yeah Cool, so you guys get this instead of a video

Yeah, exactly It's a way to keep in touch with us Instead of just using our videos And you can sign up to our newsletter If you go to jacandamir.com, there's a link Or if I were you show.com Or on our Facebook page We're making it very prominent

You'll be able to find it if you really search it It's called Amir and Jake's newsletter We really should redesign jacandamir.com I know I know you want to do that Do you know that we should do it? The master hasn't made his mind up yet No, I agree that we should

I just, that's the one thing we don't know how to do I don't, I can't design anything at all Our web designer friend is already busy designing another website Yeah We need more talented friends Well, who's the guy that made fuck me finally? That was good enough, you're hired Re-fired, re-hired

Alright, let's answer another quest Let's go for lady Franklin Franklin Franklin out So the guy's name was Melrose But the girl's name is Franklin That is correct

Gotcha Franklin writes At 63, I am perhaps your oldest regular listener I don't know this question, we should give her a real name Oh really? A pretty name, yeah Okay But not her real name

No, Poinsettia Poinsettia At 63 years old I am perhaps your oldest regular listener Having been introduced by both of my grandsons I always enjoyed the show But never imagined that I would have a problem That you might be interested in

But now, I think I do My long-term partner and the father of my children Passed away five years ago And I have not had a relationship with a man since then Recently though, I have found myself being attracted To my mailman An attraction which I think is reciprocated He makes a point of telling me he is single

Almost every time we speak And often complements me on the clothes I wear I live in an apartment And he will ring to come up to my door Even when there's no package There is an issue however The man is 25 years my junior And when I spoke to my daughter about it

She said he was most probably trying to get money out of me Of which I have little Should I be bold and try to initiate A possibly romantic relationship with my mailman Or heed my daughter's advice And steer well clear Thank you for what I'm sure will be very helpful And funny advice

Love Poinsettia Wow, such an eloquent email Yeah, because It's so well written Because she's a 63-year-old lady Yes, because she's kind and smart And has lived long Mm-hmm, she's wise

And then the other dude was like I lost respect for this girl I fucked in the ass by accident I accidentally borderline anal-raped someone And now I'm worried that I don't respect her What should I do? And this girl's like I'm having feelings for my mailman My daughter is warning me otherwise

What do you guys think? Do you know why you think Why her daughter is warning her? Like what's the game? Who is this local mailman That's gonna be stealing money from her? Well, that's the thing that could be global Okay

25 years is a significant amount That means the dude is 38 Right That's like 6 years older than me Flirting with a 63-year-old But like 63 doesn't necessarily look like a grandma Yeah, because 60 is the new 40

I agree Yeah I agree I like my girl 63W I think the daughter just must be trying to protect the mom Because like the daughter's thinking like this guy's 38 years old He's not trying to bone you But like

Daughter's got blinders on She doesn't know how hot her mom is Right You never know how hot your own mother is You're a cougar Yeah Of yourself Can a grandma be a cougar?

Cougar That was definitely an accent like that A gray cougar I think so I think a cougar is just an older lady Or does she have to be like 40? I thought she had to be like I don't know

Well since 60 is the new 40 then I guess Very true This is the new cougar Alright So what would you suggest? What do you think the advice should be? I think you should always be bold I do think you should be bold

If he's telling you he's single I want What if he's telling you he's single Because he wants to get set up with With her daughter I'm just kidding That wouldn't be it Yeah

I think you should be bold Make a move Always Whoa So she should ask him out? Yeah Has he asked her out do you think? No she said he compliments her

And mentions that he's single So maybe there's a move in between Asking him out Like Ask him what he's doing Say you're single too Ask him if he had a fun weekend Ask him like what kind of stuff he does

And maybe and like then you say Oh I like that stuff too Then he invites you Then I would just say like Make yourself available And then take a step forward You don't have to be so bold

But be a little bold And then a little underlined And just slightly Very slightly Italian Like bold and italic Italian Yeah

Italian How they're always like slanted Wasn't that one of your profiles once? I think it does sound like I am bold I am underlined And I am Italian Like that same thing is italicized

Yeah I hope so because I like that joke It definitely was Can she maybe flirt And proceed with caution? Yeah I think because That way you're sort of

Heating your daughter's advice a little bit Right You're saying alright I'll proceed Yeah I mean he's not Stealing money from you yet Unless she actually thinks That he's gonna go into her house

And legit steal cash I don't understand the steal I think I understand Like does she think that they'll go on dates? Maybe he doesn't Your daughter is maybe nervous that like I don't If his intentions aren't pure

But I feel like maybe she said Something that wouldn't hurt her mother's feelings And she was like He'll steal money from you But maybe she's really thinking Like I don't want him to rail you out And she doesn't want this Her mom to do

Get you know We know how men are Yeah This other dude fucked a girl in the butt Without saying anything She doesn't She's trying to protect her mother From 38 year old dudes

Yeah Because guys are all assholes And she and her mother is sweet Right But I think if you are like You know what I'm not looking for anything serious I just want to get boned I just want to give a bone

And this mailman Like he's not trying to rob me He's maybe just trying to get bone too So flirt Don't don't ask out But just say Hey how are you doing Delve the conversation

Into deeper more personal issues That way it'll open yourself up To potentially be asked out By this mailman Yeah When you're out on a date with him Make sure that he's not actually Stealing cash from you

Like if he's like Hey where should we go Why don't we go to that restaurant That's your bank account number What is that one again Yeah And she's like Oh that one is 0147

Oh wait That's when the red flags Are going off Granny Right She actually is a grandma Yeah So you calling her Granny is fine I know

It's good And it is fair It is legal It is coy It is fair And it is fine I love this lady I want her to get

I want her to get nailed If that's what she wants And at 63 she's I basically think Definitely the oldest Listener of the show Yeah So thanks for tuning in

It was really great And thanks for being smart And modern And forward thinking enough To listen to podcasts At age 63 Way to go My parents don't listen to podcasts

Actually they listen to a lot Of podcasts They just don't listen to yours My dad just gobbled up cereal And every other Comedy podcast He's a huge You made it weird fan

And he refuses to listen to our episode Yeah Your dad When he last time he saw me He was like keep it crispy Oh my god That's amazing I love that

He likes it He likes Pete My mom loves Mark Maron Alright That's it That's our time Oh Thanks to the following people

Who Wrote us great reviews On our iTunes page Nice iTunes Has Very

Very As a very secret monopoly on podcasts So if you leave A helpful review And you subscribe to our show That's immensely helpful I think we like shot up To a top five comedy podcast

And we were number one in the UK And in Australia Just by like a hundred Hundred of you Subscribing to our show And rating it And reviewing it So we said we'd thank some people

By name Here's some fun names Of people that reviewed it Carrot Slate Oh shit Sort of like Carrot Slap Carrot Slap And not

Jake and Damir and Grant Good name Thank you for leaving a five star review The three of us Koi Dieve I like these names Yeah That shy guy

On my favorite Wokenut It's like coconut with a W Oh Wokenut So thank you If you haven't left a review Now's your chance We'll thank you next time

Thanks for listening everybody We'll be back I think on Thursday this week Well alright With a new episode If you have your own theme song submissions Or your own questions Send those to IfIWereYouShow

At gmail.com We're also accepting Thumbnail submissions Every time we post this podcast To our Facebook page We need one So thanks for everybody That's been sending those in

The opening theme song Was written by an anonymous 15 year old Who doesn't want credit But should Cause it was great And this closing one Also great Certain by George

Thanks Anonymous Thanks George Thanks to you guys Thanks Wokenut Thanks Wokenut This is the master Signing off This is the master

I am the master And I'm signing off Yeah I'm the master And I'm actually not signing off So you better not press that button Master signing off Bye

No Now then How do you do If I were you? Tell me all your little sins When you email these guys in I'll sort you out If I were you

Show if Gmail.com Tell them what is going on I'll try to help you out To help you out