If I Were You - 149: Orgy (Live at Duke U!)

Episode Date: April 23, 2015

In this episode we discuss glitter, jealousy, and group sex. Recorded live at Duke University.This episode is brought to you by TrunkClub.com and Prosper.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

All right, Duke University, what's up? All right, yeah. Am I as loud as I think I am? Nice. Perfect. You guys don't know what's going on inside my head. You don't know how loud I think I am. Look at everybody in the audience.

You know, we spent all weekend in Chapel Hill, and I don't know what they're talking about. You guys are not obnoxious, rich, spoiled assholes. You look fine to me. Although there are a couple of you. Right. I know who we're both thinking. Yeah.

This guy. This guy. Right. Sure. What's your name? Oh, David is the most spoiled asshole name you can have. Let me guess your last name. What is it?

Money. I was going to let him say that. Oh, yeah. Money's his middle name. Yeah, for sure. David Money, what's your last name? Cash. Wow.

That's insane. David Money Cash, and that's your brother. Yeah. Jeremy Money Cash. What's your name, brother? What is it? Jonathan. Oh, so Jewish and rich.

Actually, that's not because I'm Jewish. Oh, should I not have said anything about that? Yeah. So it's fine if he's Jewish, but if he's rich. Yeah, exactly right. Got it. Okay. Any other Jewish people here?

See, they live in North Carolina. Right. Who came here from far, far away? Whoever is the closest to me, where did you come from? Florida. That's not that far. Florida, just from this show. Just from this show.

Oh, yes. You did come from Florida for this show. Really? For this show? Yeah. You're fucking crazy. That's nuts. Did you drive here?

Yeah. How long did it take? 12 hours. You don't look like you're old enough to operate a motor vehicle. How did you drive? You drove. Okay, good. And you had a car seat for him, right?

A car seat for the driver. For really short people. Are you video taping this entire thing? Oh, it's Will. Hey, brother. That's okay. I forgot we paid someone to tape the entire thing. Did you give him money?

Well, Jeremy and David cash money offered him 10 grand each. Yeah, they sort of just like sweat money, so they stood near Will. Yeah. That was cool. It's like one of those cash flowy machine things. Yeah. I never mind. Who here is also tipsy?

No, I'm just joking. Did you guys have class today? Yes. Oh, isn't class the worst? Who here likes weed, huh? We're like two guys trying to be cool, but we're actually here to talk about God. Yeah, being high is pretty cool, but you know what's the highest of all? Heaven.

Can we talk about Heaven and how you get in? You don't smoke gun, Jack. I'll tell you that right now. I know a guy who got high all the way on top of a cross. Oh, Jesus. That's exactly his name, too. No, just kidding. You guys like getting high?

You guys like getting hammered? I'll tell you who got high and who got hammered. How do you think he's stuck there? Nice. I'm half Christian. I'm half Christian. It's cool. It's cool.

But seriously, who here likes getting nailed? Smart school if you're already laughing. Who here does go to Duke? Awesome. Do you think you could get into Duke if you applied right now? Don't I have to be in high school? You don't have to be in high school to apply to college. Really?

Yeah, you could just be like, this is my resume. I did some community college, which you did. I'd like to finish my education at Duke. And then you could say, I'm also a fairly successful comedy writer. Oh, so I could, yeah, I could talk about that. You could use that. Okay. I got a point six when I failed out of college.

And then you blew a point six. Am I right? And then a six blew me. Oh, yeah. This is your essay. Talk about that. I'm the major in slam poetry. And minor in art history.

Do you guys have to take interviews to get into this school? Is that that kind of school where an alumni would interview you? Yeah. Wow, that's legit, dude. Either way, you should say that during the interview. Wow. That's legit, man. Yeah.

And you know who's going to be interviewing you is Shane Badier. Really? Yeah. Mr. Badier himself. Badier himself. Yeah. What an honor. Yes, sir.

So who here has heard of our podcast before? Thank God. Who here hasn't? Leave now. It's all inside jokes for the first people who've moved. So the show we do is an advice podcast. We answer people's questions. They'll email us to, if I were you, show at gmail.com.

We'll come through the thousands of submissions and reply to a few of them every episode. Sometimes it's just me and Jake alone in our room. And sometimes we do it with 700 smart people in the room too. Yeah. And that's today. 700 of you here. Can you believe it? That's a no.

They're smart enough to count. They know it's six. Just cash and money and his two friends. Which makes four. I know. We start every episode with an original theme song and we are fortunate today to be able to do that live thanks to Rachel, Jake's sister and her friend Jenny. So Rachel and Jenny, will you come up on this stage and start our show with a theme song

that you yourselves have written? Let's give Rachel and Jenny a round of applause. I'm going to need your mic over here Blumenthal. Well, I figured I would sing along. You don't know the words. But actually that's kind of a cool idea. We just ruined their song. If you keep on playing in a mural freestyle.

No, I would never. All right. One more time for Rachel and Jenny. Thank you. I'm going to sing that song for you. And through your overall making. If I were you. If I were you.

If I were you. The show. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you the show starts now. Thank you, Rachel. Thank you, Jenny. Let's keep it going for them.

And you guys go away, love me so much, you're my sister, you're cool, came out of the same mom. Two people out of the same woman, can you believe it? Yeah, sure, I mean I guess that happens a lot, still kind of crazy. Also she's a triplet, so that's what we should really be focusing on. Three humans out of the same person? At the same time? That's a little more.

Hey, give it up for my mother Laura Hurwitz, huh? Bitch carry three fucking humans in her stomach. You shouldn't say bitch carry three, because that's what she did. I know, but you shouldn't just use the B word. Especially about your own mother, that's what I was saying. No, no, no, she's my bitch, man. Love that lady forever. Okay.

And for those of you at home listening, the reason there was a smattering of laughter during that song is because Jake was pantomime slow dancing with me. I was not. Now I resent the implication and the accusation. You were slow dancing with me. It really sounded like you had more to say there. Alright, you guys want to get started? You guys want to help us give some people advice?

Great. Does anybody know the passcode for my phone? One, two, three, three. These are real emails from real people. We're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. I think a good theme today would be Duke basketball players, but maybe... Does anybody have one? A male basketball player's name?

The more obscure the better. Wait, what was that cotton? Who's cotton? I heard a Crandis. That's JJ Redick's middle name. JJ Crandis Redick. So fucking cool. Right.

Much like a seventh grade science fair project, my problem is trifold. Redick was all about the threes. Number one. My girlfriend's emotionally abusive ex killed himself a few weeks ago. It's okay to laugh, he's not here. Oh, God. That's specific. That's specifically why it's not.

They stayed friends after they broke up and he was a known dip fuck. But for some reason she kept going back to him even after we started dating. The product of all this is that even though it's been weeks since his death, she constantly talks about them, their memories, random little shit she remembers about them. She even keeps telling me the details of his mental collapse before the suicide. I mean, I don't want to sound insensitive. But it's honestly getting so annoying. It really seems like she's more interested in him than me.

I mean, how is that fair? Number two. My ex and I stay in touch and we kind of flirt to boost each other's ego. Saying the other looks hot, reminiscing about old sexual escapades, et cetera, et cetera. She's also in a committed relationship. So is this cheating? Number three. No, you found a loophole.

Number three. Our sideburns a good look. Cheers and toda. JJ Reddick. Well, so let's hone in on number one, the most important thing. Sideburns super chill. Yeah. I think that's cool.

I agree. This guy sounds like a good guy at the very least to the right of his ears. Should we work backwards? I don't know. This guy is kind of... He's upset at his girlfriend for talking about her dead ex-boyfriend. Right. While he's talking to this. Sorry, I'm hung up on sideburns.

Yeah. So there's sort of like... There's two schools of thought here. Okay, well, how long are they, right? Do they come shops? Yeah, are they money? We gotta talk thickness. Yeah.

Well, let's say sideburns to hear a sort of a douchey look, which would make sense. Yeah, below the earlobes. This guy is a bad person. Uh-huh. He's a bad man. That makes sense. He's a bad guy. Do you ever think like you look at yourself in the mirror and you're like, I'm a villain?

That should be you. This guy listening to this question. Villains don't know that they're villains. Do they not? That's what makes them villains. No. Because Lex Luthor knew he was a villain. He was like, I'm gonna kill Superman?

Yeah. But he thought Superman was like a freak of nature, help it to perhaps destroy the earth with his super strength. Is that what Lex Luthor thought? Well, I just think that's an interesting, complicated dilemma that would be going on. You should write the gritty reboot. You really think so? Yeah, I really do think so.

Actually, is it crazy to say you should play Superman? Yeah, but I guess... Yeah, you can do it. There's never been a Jewish Superman, so maybe... Can you get mad at your ex-girlfriend for just continually talking about her dead ex-boyfriend? I don't want to be pissed, but it seems like she's in a relationship with him. Yeah. From beyond the grave.

I think if you are dealing with somebody who's deceased, it's okay to... You're not... You can't... They can't act upon that, so... It's fair to ask the question, how can you be jealous of someone who's dead? Is anybody here jealous of a dead person? Like, I thought Jordan Washington had great hair. Yeah, he had a flow for sure.

Yeah, wig or otherwise. Did he have a wig? Number two. You are emotionally cheating on someone while you're being upset about her talking about her ex-dead boyfriend. Well, I would say... I don't think, personally, I don't think it's cheating to send texts and say, you look hot. That's not cheating, right? But talking about your past sexual escapades is like, on the way to cheating.

Yeah, yeah, you're like... I feel like if cheating is a house, you're ringing the doorbell. Yeah, like this. That's actually how it looks to finger a girl. And you're also sitting down in a chair laughing while you do it, right? I'm a bad doctor. And an even worse therapist. Right.

And a terrible nanny. And a very bad boyfriend. Oh, no! Yeah, okay. So, if cheating is a house, you are not... You're ringing the doorbell like this. You can't enter. Well, let's say this guy is saying, you look hot.

And she's saying, hey, you look hot too. She's let you into the foyer at that point. Oh my God, he's in the lobby. Hey, how's it going? I'm sorry to just drop in like that. And she's like, no, it's actually nice. I expected you. You expected me.

And then you say, should I take off my shoes? And that's the past ex-escapades part. And she says, you know what? Don't take off your shoes. But why don't you take off your jacket? And that's where you are. You're inside the foyer. The coat's on the hook.

The coat's on the hook. Do you want to go into the house? I don't think so. Because the other house that you're talking about is a goddamn mausoleum. So I don't think. It's okay to applaud because I wove that. Like a, yeah.

Just as a general rule, it's okay to applaud. You shouldn't say it after story. No, I want to say that for when I really, really want it. Just know that it's okay to laugh. Ouch. How about it's okay to laugh is code for everyone to be really, really quiet. Yeah.

And the other way around. Yeah. Hey, it's okay to laugh. It's the saddest three seconds in a stand-up comedians routine. It's okay to laugh. It really does, like, makes my stomach like fucking. Yeah. Well, you also had clam dip earlier today.

Sure, yeah. That didn't happen. That has something to do with it. So I would say be less jealous for your girlfriend's relationship with her dead other because he recently passed and these feelings are fresh to her. Be more sensitive to your current girlfriend by not flirting and talking about your sexual escapades

with your ex-girlfriend. Okay. And let's go no sideburns. I love what you're doing with your hands right now. I agree. Does everybody agree? And even not, it really doesn't matter. Y'all don't have microphones.

I like saying y'all, especially down here. Yeah. It makes me feel right. It makes me feel like you're pandering just a little bit. Okay. Y'all love Coach K. It's okay to laugh. Oh, man, that is so sad to me.

All right. Great question. Let's give it up for that question asker. Not 100% sure he deserves applause, but sure. The bad people write the best questions. That's the irony. So we need a name for question number two. Oh, this is a lady basketball player.

Niko. Someone said Niko and I don't think there's any way to verify it. That was a woman who played basketball. Is there? Does anyone know? Is that fact-checkable? No, I think that's a reference to your videos with her. Oh, my wife.

I remember her now. Niko it is. Niko writes, I think God I know how to read. This podcast would be so freaking hard. Sure. For many reasons, it's good that you know how to read. Stop signs. Yeah.

Well, that I can just tell by the shape. My ex and I broke up within the past few months, but we still see each other every day and still hook up every once in a while. I've been wondering if he's been talking to other girls and I knew he wasn't being honest when I asked him. So he lives with some of my friends and I know the passcode to all of his Apple devices.

So I'm able to read his iMessages by checking out his iPad that he barely uses since iMessages sync up to all of his devices. Brilliant so far. Your eyebrows are on fleek right now. Thank you. I know it's so fucked up, but I haven't... I know it's so fucked up, but I've been reading them

and he's definitely been on that Tinder game or getting girls' numbers. He even texted a girl and asked her to make out with him. WTF, who does that? And he went on a date on Valentine's Day, which he lied about. I know we're not in a relationship, but he's definitely been cheating on me. Anyway, how do I confront him about all this

and not reveal that I've been invading his privacy? Love, Nico. Let's go to for Nico. He's... How is he cheating? He's not cheating, right? He's slept with another girl after they clearly broke up. So if we can relate this question to the last question,

the girl in this question is dead, right? Oh yeah, so you can do anything. And that's fine. Once you break up with someone, it's borderline like they're gone forever. Yes, because you can say, oh, we should still be friends or let's still hang out every once in a while.

Right, and you could even say let's fuck and you could even actually fuck, but you can't ever be like, did you hook up with someone? And the answer, of course, is always no and what really happened is almost always yes, but it's always fine... as long as it's always mine. That actually reminds me of a rap, really,

that you just made up. It's okay to cheat on the deceased. It's okay to take a seat on a seat. It's okay to make a plane out of seats because you gotta fly, you gotta go real high and see other people. Guys, why don't you do your own thing? Make your own songs and sing your own sings.

I'm not doing other things. Give it up for Amir. Beautiful advice. Do your own song and do your own sings. Yeah, sing your own sings and do your own things. I don't think you should ever hook up with an ex-lover. Thoughts. I think that's some of the best ex you can have.

Wow. Didn't you break up because things weren't going great? Yeah, but then afterwards, it's like, we shouldn't be doing this. This is you fucking goofy. That's me like... That's me as sexy as I can be too. Oh, we shouldn't be doing this. Oh, no.

Oh, Mitty. Oh, shit, that's goofy fucking Minnie. Well, Mickey's fucking in the other room. Oh, no. Mickey can hear the whole thing. It's a dog and mouse game. I thought we were being quiet as a mouse doing a doggy style, but no. It's okay to applaud.

I think we should end the show right now. Really? 40 minutes or so. I think we should end the podcast. Forever. Goodbye. So you say it's good, it's fine to sleep with your ex-lover? Yeah, I think it's fine to sleep with whoever you want as long as everybody's single.

And your ex is definitely single, right? Because you guys aren't in a relationship. She's the most single you can be. 100%. Yeah. That's the most anything can be. Sure. When you think about it mathematically,

you also know how to get your ex off, you know what I'm saying? Huh? Oh, because it takes time to figure out that. Yeah, everybody gets each other after a little bit. That's like a Rubik's Cube. Sure. So yeah, Rubik's Cube, the first time you're solving it, it takes like an hour, and there's a YouTube tutorial involved.

Oh, right. Just like my first time. By the end... You remember your first time fucking, right? Yeah, I was like, up, up, down, down. U, prime, L, prime. L, U, are you, are you, are you? Are you, are you, are you, are you wet, are you wet?

What does specific reference do? A specific YouTube tutorial that we know about. And we did Rubik's Cubes, right? We also fucked each other. Right. So by the end, then you can solve the Rubik's Cube in under three minutes. That's a goddamn record for not the world, but for y'all, you know. And then you can do it fucking blindfolded.

Right. The irony is, the people that can solve the Rubik's Cube the fastest have never gotten laid. So wait, what's the advice? Put your fist, I, I kissed it. I already kissed the fist. I kissed the fist. Class dismissed. So it's fine to fuck your ex, but he's not cheating on you because he's single.

The end. And here's a public service announcement. If you've ever given a password to a girlfriend, already you fucked up. But then when you break up, change the passwords. Jesus Christ. I highly suggest using one password, which is a program that makes passwords so complicated. You yourself don't even know them and can't give them to somebody else. It seems really dangerous.

A computer. Did you see Terminator Man? The whole thing started because Schwarzenegger knew your password. Mine? Yeah, yours specifically. I know. What an awesome movie that was for me. When he looked at the screen and I jumped into it, which is another Schwarzenegger movie.

Last action hero, look into it. Let's give it up for that girl, Nico. How are you feeling? I'm feeling fine. Yeah? Yeah, good, actually. Yeah, great. It's nice to be here in Durham.

Where'd you say it anywhere? We're in Durham. This is like bad pandering. I just looked at my iPhone before we walked in. I love Durham. I love Duke University. Oh, you're just not bad. You're also, you can't stop.

Kosh, kosh, kosh, kosh, kosh. I hope we win the tournaments then. Coach, because I was an alien. The basket game yesterday was off the hook. Off the hook. Two, two, two, free throw, free throw, three. It's okay to laugh. Perfect.

We need another male basketball man. Sean Kelly, that's pretty good. You're real quick with it. I like you a lot. You drove up here from Florida. You're my main man now. Sean Kelly related to Ryan Kelly? Yes.

Didn't think so. Ryan Kelly is the player in the NBA that looks the most like me. Everybody has one. The most you wish you looked like someone else. Oh, fuck off, dude. Yeah, you fuck off. I look like Ryan Kelly. I take off my glasses and people approach me on the street saying,

I thought you were so much taller. I thought you were six foot eleven and really athletic. Yeah. No. No. Absolutely not. You are a pasty little dude. You are.

It's okay. Scott Brooks at best. No further comment. Ryan Kelly's brother, Sean Kelly writes, Hi guys. Recently, my friends walked into the room while I was rubbing my balls. Makes sense. My pants were on, but they analyzed the way I was rubbing them

and thought I had a vagina. They're so persuaded that I do that they won't stop calling me manjina until I show them a dick pic. I can assure you that I do indeed have male genitalia, but I do not want to show it to anyone else. But I do not want to show it to my male friends. What should I do? Is this normal or are they seriously messed up?

Thanks. Love Sean Kelly. Can you demonstrate how he probably was rubbing his balls based on the fact that they thought for sure he had a vagina? A little bit like this. God damn it. I'm so sorry. Mom, turn down the podcast.

Turn down the podcast, baby. My sister's here. My family's here. And you made me rub my fake clit in front of a bunch of strangers. Not only that, but I see very clearly you're wet. Oh, you got moist. Now I have to show you a picture of my penis. Yeah, otherwise I know that you have a manjina.

Why are you so concerned? Are you so concerned? Yeah. I'm afraid they won't stop calling me that. Would you rather have that nickname or dick pic? Because that's the other option. That's what's going to happen. You're either a manjina or a dick pic.

I feel like if all of my male friends thought that I had a vagina, that would still be okay. Because it doesn't really matter what they think that I have, right? Unless. Unless, like, I would just have sex with women. And if my friends think that I have a vagina, I would say okay. What if I said, is it okay, manjina?

And then a weird music would play, like when you call Marty McFly yellow. Oh, yeah. And he'd be like, ugh, I can't control myself right now. Did you call me manjina? Snap, snap, snap, snap, snap. I guess the problem is, why haven't you taken a picture of your dick? He probably has a pussy.

Yeah. Anybody who doesn't have a picture of their penis has a vagina. That's why they call it that. What? What? You know the old Latin translation of vagina is no penis picture. We're back before photos were invented, too. I know, that's why it's so crazy.

That's how smart Latin people are. I guess I would just encourage this guy to listen to the beginning of the podcast where we talked about somebody who killed themselves. Your problems are minuscule. It's fine. You don't have a vagina, and they'll probably forget about it. Or... Or...

What? Take a pic. Not of your dick. Okay. But of somebody else's dick. Or... Or... Take a picture of a pussy.

That's clearly like someone squeezing it to make a penis. Legit, that's actually a good idea. So you're like, yeah, I actually have a dick. Honestly, yeah. And what it is... I can't tell this is a good idea, but this is just like a really good joke for this guy. What's the difference?

Yeah, it's probably true. So just Google Image Search, really large click. And then just like, fine, I fucking did it. I took a picture of my penis, and then show it to your friends. Yeah. And it'll be a clitoris, and everybody will have a good laugh. If you don't want to search that whole phrase,

what you do is search really, and Google will say, did you mean really large click? Because it sort of knows based on popular response. Of course. It'll show you the... It'll give you the same suggestion if you just search meaty. Yeah. Like, if you're starting to type medium.

Yeah. M-E-D-I. Well, if you even write M-E, it'll write meaty click. Oh. For real. Try it. Try it right now. No, don't try it right now.

I know, because it won't work. What was I gonna say? Oh, no, I forgot. Oh, yeah, what's the longest click you've ever seen? Have you seen God? You forgot that. And I'm horrified you remembered to ask. Was it like a soggy pencil? This is such a private conversation

that I would still... refute. Have you ever had a light that you had to turn on and off like that with a little dangly string? Longer or shorter than said average string? Just stop when you've seen the longest click. Before I answer,

I do want to tell you that you had sex with a guy. What? And the clip was so long and so thick and hard that she put it in my ass, I think. That could happen, right? The longest click? Is that a real click? Do you really want me to answer?

I definitely don't know. Me neither. What's the longest clip that you've ever seen? Well, how would you measure the distance? There's, for sure, a professor in this audience that is... that left. Which is fine. That's normal thing to do.

Yeah, sure. What's the biggest clip that you've ever experienced? Oh, experienced. I thought I just meant seen photos of. Oh, really? Yeah. But every clip I've seen is the shape of a coffee bean. Why every clip I've ever seen

is the shape of a coffee bean. Every clip I've seen is like a coffee bean slightly less caffeinated and more alienated because I ostracized myself. I sent myself to my land on an island. Hawaii? Why me? I said.

But I saw it. For someone that's not that good at freestyle and we sure do do it a lot. Yeah. Should we go to the next question? I don't even remember what this question was, but I think we answered it. Whoa.

That's more of a request, sir. The specific question was... What should I do? Ah, she was. Unfortunately, I don't remember the rest of the question without either... Should he take a picture of his dick to prove his friendship?

Oh, yeah. Most likely your friends are fucking with you. You are taking it very seriously. The more serious you take it, the more they try. Yeah. That's how it works. We're just advising people who are getting bullied to act differently around bullies.

I'm cool with him showing a picture of a vagina. I think that's a good joke. I think that'll satisfy everyone. Yeah. And when they don't like that, you just show them your penis. Make sure there's no pictures involved, because last thing you really want is a picture of your penis anywhere. That's what they're trying to get.

Penises aren't photogenic. What are you talking about? It wasn't a joke, it was just a statement. You don't think my dick is good looking? I said it wasn't photogenic. Oh, it doesn't photograph well. I think your dick has a good side, and I think you haven't found it yet.

All right. Should we take a midway break? A little breather? A little pause? Let's take a nice breather. Let's talk. Let's chill. Let's get to know everybody.

Jake's virginity story. So, here's what happens now. Lock the doors. Oh, they already were locked. Shit, we're kind of fucked. If you're listening at home, we're going to cut to a quick commercial break,

and we'll be right back after this. It's fairly easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but better help makes that all easy, because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist,

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Use that offer code IFIRU to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back! Let's give it up for Jake! I'm proud of you. I appreciate that. Who wants to answer a couple more questions? I'm emotionally spent and dead actually. Do you guys have anywhere to go after this?

Because this can go all night. Or at the very least another 17 minutes until they kick us out. Alright, we need another guy's name. Peyton Manning did not go to do. He played basketball here. Did he? Nope. What was that? Todd Zafferowski.

Todd who? Todd Zafferowski. Was that like Coach K's nephew or something? He just left any Polish name on the team. As long as it's hard to pronounce. I really like winning at Scrabble is all. That's what Robert Durstin wrote. That's cool what Coach K sounds like.

Does he? Yeah. Alright. Ta-da. Coach K writes. Last night at the party I was at got crazy. In a random girl I was hooking up with rubbed glitter on my dick. I'm trying everything but I can't get the glitter off my dick.

It's legitimately starting to hurt from all the scrubbing and paint thinner. You're switching to a Coach K impression and that's fine. My girlfriend will wonder where the glitter came from. And I'm afraid there's only one conclusion she will come to. Alright now do Robert Durstin. I need advice. What should I say to my girlfriend so she doesn't get mad? Please help me out love Coach K.

So you're... Just to be clear the question isn't should I break up with my girlfriend I cheated on her? No, no, no. And it's not how do I get glitter off my dick. It's what do I tell my girlfriend? She glitters on the dick. That's happening. It's not discovered in glitter.

I have a glow-in-the-dark penis now. Absolutely it looks like a cylindrical disco ball down there. That's not changing. How do I explain it? Do I say I fucked, I don't know, a parking meter or something? What would cause... What do you think people put in parking meters? Quarters and you think they glitter?

Yeah the nickel rubs off on them, the metal. And if you thread the needle just right. A really thin dick if you fuck that slot. It'll start chasing you. Baby I cheated on you, I'm so fucked. I can't believe it. I got so drunk and I didn't... No, I love you and for a moment last night I...

What happened? Who was it? Who did you sleep with? It wasn't someone, let me finish baby. You're freaking me out. Mike. I'm trying to talk to you. How is your hair so dead black? At age 73 it doesn't add up. Look, that's what I'm trying to tell you.

Sorry. What I want to say before you judge me is I love you. I love you too but this is really... Unconditional. Say unconditionally baby. Unconditional. I fucked a parking meter sweetheart. That's right.

That's right I fucked a parking meter baby. Don't laugh at me. Don't laugh at me bitch. Okay you can't call me that. I won't. That was fucked up. I will ever call you that again baby. Even that slipped out right there was a little...

It was heated. She got weird. When you said don't laugh at me bitch that was not okay. And I apologize for that. And the parking meter... And like of that too? Of course. So where was it?

Baby I just look... A girl with a glitter hand gave me a hand chop. Straight up. Straight up. Oh thank god I thought you fucked a parking meter. See that's what you do. You went that easy. A reverse.

Set up the worst. Don't applaud that because that was actually really really really really bad advice. So here's what I would say. You went to a glitter party. You waved your hands in the air. You danced around. And then you had glitter on your hands. But uh oh you have to pee.

And then you went into the bathroom. You started to pee. And glitter got on your dick. And that's okay. Because you were at a glitter party. And you had glitter on your hands. And then you went pee. Everyone pees.

So you're explaining it to a girl? Unless you don't think everyone pees. Everyone pees. How on the burping? So here's my advice. Does it not coincide with my advice? It's slightly different. Okay.

I wouldn't say you were waving your hand in the air. Dancing like you just don't care. I didn't say that. You coat your entire body in glitter. Suddenly the dick doesn't seem like an anomaly. Really interesting. And then you go to her out of breath inhaling glitter. I was accosted.

By who? By a glitterman. Is that a Jewish person? Yes. Oh, let's get on. It was Jonathan Glitterman. And he covered me in diamonds. And then if your body is covered in the same glitter,

your cock is. That silence is how you should react when someone says cock. If your body is covered in the same glitter, your dick is. No, say cock. Cock is. Then nobody knows which part of what was touched by who. It was just a giant glitter festival. And there's glitter everywhere.

How's that for a reason? All right. So we, reason number one, you went to a party where there was glitter and glitter got on your hands and then your penis. And your suggestion is glitter all over your entire body, excluding your penis, which would suggest you were naked at the party, which is a no-no. Let's vote.

Everyone clap if you think I'm right. All right, deafening applause. Clap if you think I'm right. Yeah. Yes. I thought you guys were smart, man. That was all UNC students applauded. This is a question they asked in the Duke interview is why I said it.

Oh, fair. Guy's dick covered in glitter. So what would you do? Fast, though, because I got to go home. Ready for the last, wait, is this the last question? Yeah, one more question. I just want to say maybe if he's treating on his girlfriend, he should break up with her anyway.

Oh, sure. Yeah. Always break up with your girlfriend. Can I read it? I'm okay. All right. Okay. No, you can read it.

Thanks. Okay. Okay. Final dude's name. Travis? Did someone say Jordan who? Farmer? He didn't go here.

I'm just joking. Michael Jordan. He went to a different school, didn't he? Actually not. I'm hearing a lot of yeses. Michael Jordan. Can you hear everybody yelling, dude? I got the Michael Jordan of Duke basketball.

Elton Brandt. Sure. Elton Brandt writes. So it started with a normal night of drinking in my college dorm. It was going very well. Everyone was having a great time. There were 10 of us and eventually we decided to play spin the bottle. You guys have all been there?

And since we were drunk, it got intense. Yes. Cut to two hours later, seven of us ended up in the next room naked and fucking. All right. Keep reading. Me, my girlfriend, another couple, my roommate, a guy and a girl who are in relationship who significant others weren't there. After about an hour, the girl with her BF there had enough and left.

Her BF followed because obviously you can't participate in an orgy after your significant other leaves. Right? And that's a little bit loaded. Pay attention. So it was down to three guys and two girls. My girlfriend was paying a lot of attention to the guy next to me. Even as far as to say, I want to make you come, which started to make me uncomfortable.

So I decided I'd had enough and I left assuming my girlfriend would follow. Turns out she decided to stay and follow through on her remark. I am hurt by this. At least she's not a liar. It was all fun and games until she got too serious with this guy. How do I react to this? She stayed and fucked him after I left for over half an hour. This is cheating, right?

What would you do if this happened to you? What would you do? Love Elton Brand. Wow, what an amazing tale. Seven people fucking having a good time. If you look over your shoulder, girlfriend's blowing a guy. Hey, it's all part of the rule. Well, don't, though.

Unless I can hook up with you. Oh, two people left, now it's just me. This guy wasn't fucking anybody during the entire orgy. Just standing on the side, squeezing his balls. Ooh, I'm gonna nut from watching. Then it comes down to him, his girlfriend, and she's blowing her fucking another dude. And he leaves, she stays, and she ends up having sex with this guy. Is it cheating?

Well, she was already having sex with the guy before he left. At the very least, I would advise anybody in the middle of an orgy who's gonna leave banking on the fact that their girlfriend's gonna follow out, at least say, hey, come on, we're gonna leave. Like a passive aggressive dude at the end of a dinner party. We're done here. Oh, honey, we have that thing, don't forget, tomorrow morning. Oh, yes, the thing, first I want this guy to nut on my face.

All right, very well, but don't forget, I love you. I'm gonna wait in the car. I would say orgy with your girlfriend in any, like, every time you're gonna fuck someone else with your girlfriend or boyfriend, don't. But what if it's your one opportunity? Actually, has anybody here ever done it? Has anyone here, wait, been in an orgy? Wow, a thousand hands up in the air.

Are you serious, tentative hand? Did you really do it? Wait, wait, wait, we can keep the lights down. Spotlight, no, no, no. Ma'am, did you really have an org? No, I had an orgy with my two friends who were dating. It was great. That was a three-some.

You had a three-some. Wait, you personally alone had an orgy with two other people who were dating? So you were like the third wheel of sorts. And wait, a guy and a girl? That's so cool. That's so hot. No further questions. Sit.

Okay. Well, I actually do have one question, but maybe come see me after the show. Has anyone, so sorry, would anyone else, sorry, has anyone else, sorry, who will fuck me and that girl? Sorry. I can't not say what I'm thinking. The dude from Florida wants to. This guy will drive another 12 hours to be in an org.

If you had the opportunity, oh, sorry, has anyone else been in an orgy? Greco, Roman, or otherwise. Is there a hand over there? Are you scratching the back of your head wishing you didn't just do that because I'm calling on you now? Okay. Got it. Cool.

So stop scratching. Anyone who has an itch on their head now is not the time. I feel like orgy girl. Can I, can we chat for a second? Yeah. Yes. Did that relationship stay intact after you? They're still together.

They're still together? Yeah. Yes, they're still happy. Is the girl fucking like cute? We're all friends. Yes, we're close friends. They're close friends. And you guys go to Duke?

No. We don't go to Duke. Sexy? Where do you go? Where do you go? We live in Virginia. They live in Virginia. Oh, that makes sense.

Okay, so. It is for lovers. The other couple was her brother and her brother's wife. No. Nice. Virginia. First of all, is a threesome an orgy? We got to cut it off at a certain point.

I feel like the over-under is three and a half. That's a threesome. Then there's a forgy, and then there's an orgy. Has anyone here ever had an orgy relationship or otherwise? See, that's how rare and beautiful a thing it is. Wait, no, the fucking threesome girl just raised her hand again. Oh, oh, yeah. I've also had sex with four and five people.

Definitely come find us after the show. If you... You don't have to. But we'd appreciate it. An orgy is so rare. It is a diamond in the rough. If you have that opportunity... It is a butterfly on the flower of your penis.

Absolutely. And if you have the opportunity to do so, even if it's with your girlfriend, don't you at least entertain the notion? No, never. Is it not worth sacrificing a silly relationship that may or may not end anyway, to tell people that,

yeah, I fucked seven people at the same time? Well, what if, like, five of them are guys? Whatever. If you're in an orgy where, like, it's just you and your girlfriend, and then five other people. Hey, as long as I can say quite confidently that I fucked seven people...

Yeah, it was a seven, so everyone fucked my girlfriend but me, actually. I sort of stuck around after the cuddle. Yeah, now that I think about it... Oh, no. I was the conductor of the train. A nice slow burn. I'm sorry.

I feel bad your parents are here. That's not true. Mom, dad... My mother and father are here. Where are they right now? My mother and father are in the audience. Where are they? Somewhere over there-ish?

Oh, yeah, there they are. Have y'all ever had a threesome? Hey! Mom, I love you, dad, you're okay. Nah, just kidding. Mom, you're my bitch. Daddy, you're my wallet. Thanks.

That's actually really nice. Should we play another song to get us out of here? You still have your sister's guitar. Yeah. No, well, Rach, you want to play a song? I didn't realize they actually had written a closing song as well. Oh, yeah, let's do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Alright, one more time, Rachel and Jenny. Thank you. Thank you. I wish that you guys could help me for that's all I want. Thank you. That was awesome. Good effort, Rachel and Jenny.

Rachel, you're good, but stand to the side while a pretty mediocre guitar player handles things. Do you know how to play? Here we go. Oh, she's asking if you know what that is. I know a chord. Okay. Okay, here we go.

This is our outro song. By the way, thanks so much for coming out. This has been awesome. You guys have been great. Thank you, Duke. Thank you, Duke. Thank you, Duke. Hey, just wanted to quickly remind you guys that we do have more live shows coming up

on May 8th in Los Angeles at the Hollywood Improv. We've done a bunch of shows there. It's always super fun. Tickets are still available. If you go to ifirewshow.com, you can get a link to purchase your own. And then we're also still going to Australia. Our Melbourne show is sold out,

but we still have tickets available for Sydney, Adelaide, Brisbane, Perth, on June 9th, 10th, 11th, and 14th, I think. So all the information for everything you need is at ifirewshow.com or jaconamere.com. Come on by, it'll be fun. We get to hang out after. We never see each other.

All right, see you Monday. Bye.