If I Were You - 150: Prom

Episode Date: April 27, 2015

In this episode we discuss weddings, anniversaries, and high school dances.This episode is brought to you by DollarShaveClub.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Hey Oh Pop punk the weight of my heart holy shit that was a legit song that was legit It was written by two Koi fans from Belgium by the names of Marnix and a thangul and They're in a death metal band called winter blind Wow if you want to search them on Facebook bandcamp or Soundcloud Winter blind and they went softcore for our theme song. Yeah, they don't want to go super hardcore there I think they should do it. Let's try it. Try a death metal one. That'd be fun

Winter blind is a great name for a band. Yeah easy to say easy to spell easy to pronounce Yeah, winter and blonde blire in the oh, no blire and having a stroke So thanks guys for all the way from Belgium for writing a song It makes you wonder what other shitty countries are listening to our shit Belgium I Actually am Belgian. Excuse me. I'm a waffle of myself You are Belgian. I might be actually you just think that one of your Grand great-grandparents are from Belgium. I think they're you're not Belgian. I think you're isn't it Flemish

I don't know enough about Belgium. I'm just obviously I'm kidding about Belgium I was just I'm still sour by the the World Cup shit. Oh That that loss really hit close to our two about the world. Yeah You don't beat us it up at a sport. No soccer or otherwise Belgium Vincent company with a K. You're in bad company with me with a with a C Because that's how you spell it with my left and my right fist. You just tell it with your fist What I'm trying to say is that I'm mad about the soccer and I'm gonna punch someone about it You're gonna deck someone. I'm a hooligan

This is if I were you the only advice podcast on the internet. I'm oh hosted by us. I'm a mirror. I'm Jake. Oh, I Almost called it the only 150 episodes Without making that blunder and I couldn't go the distance a hundred and fifty episodes young this podcast is today We're gonna do something special for it What's that? We're gonna make it like every other episode. I'm serious. That's the most special thing. That's a good way to honor Yeah, I think to my wife on our ten year anniversary, you know, like let's baby. Let's just Do it like any other day exactly every day. I was married to you was an anniversary

And that's why always a loving day. I really think for today's special night. This is what I want my special night to be I want to hop on a seamless app. Mm-hmm and In a dark room as the Sun is setting we're illuminated by my iPhone and we're just debating which tie Dishes to order. Yeah, and I'll be like, do I always get to you tofu I was good at finally you decide because you're each gonna get the two dishes you want and split them Exactly and then since it's a little bit special occasion. Okay, you can get like a curry puff or a spring roll That's nice. And then you say, you know what we're gonna watch We're gonna watch two episodes in a row of our favorite show instead of just one and then going to bed one and then desert

No, we're gonna watch two We're gonna stay up late and then I want to sit on the floor and sort of scoot the the coffee table up to our chests Oh, that's nice. And then after that, I want you to sit on my face That's right. I want your curry ass in my curry face Like you after the Thai food dinner. You want her to sit on you? Yeah, I think after the Thai food dinner I think we'll toss each other salads Mango duck salad and that'll be and that'll be the ten-year anniversary Yes, and it'll be special because it's like all the other special days all the other days. Yeah every day

I can't wait. I can't wait to tell that to my wife of ten years So how does this podcast work? We receive emails from people who are in difficult places in need of guidance and since we're Professional advice givers at this point. We're doctors now. We're both PhD Licensed psychophysicians PhD illegal. Yeah, what does that mean that we say we're doctors and it's illegal Oh, because we're not yeah, huh? We can't prescribe medicine. We're not overqualified. We're actually very much so under qualified We don't even count as a qualification. There's nothing. We don't we are nothing. We are just us We would let people know what we would do in their situation

Take the advice or leave it. Honestly, we don't care as long as it makes us cash at the end of the day Cash is king and our listeners are peasants Speaking of King we are recording this from my master. This is not your master This is still very much sitting in what will soon be my Master room. No, this is for the next two weeks This room will be this the domain of a master and the master is Talking right now. It is me. I am talking and I am the master. You're correct when you say that Though you will not interrupt the master again. Will you I didn't think so. I

Didn't want to speak when you were done. I did want to interrupt you You had just finished your sentence. I just know that next time you talk I will interrupt you as I don't believe you don't interrupt your master. I've been interrupting you No, I've been interrupting the master. I was done. I've been interrupting the master. I am the master All right, I am Because you didn't interrupt me. Yeah, I've been interrupting you right now I finished all my sentences before you said not this one. I got it under the wire All right, we need

Guy's name Why don't we name we Name everybody after a master. So this one's name is Jake Hurwitz and that will be the only name Well, we need four names then so I have four names. I have four names Jacob Penn Cooper Hurwitz And that's why I am the master and you are a mere schmuel You are a mere schmuel Meaning meaning you are a plebeian You are nothing nada you are a cicada you are a bug you are a roach you are a tick

Trying to burrow under my skin, but I squash you you leech All right fine fine So Can I read this question or not? Can I move into your room? I'm lonely over here. Heavy is the head that wears the master All right Jacob writes. Mm-hmm. These are real emails from real people giving them fake names to preserve the anonymity Here we go. I'm a 23 year old guy from the UK called Jacob and I'm writing to you because I need your sage opinions

So about two weeks before Christmas of 2014 I broke up with my girlfriend of two years after sleeping with a girl from work, which she doesn't know So the inevitable breakup happened which I blamed completely on my GF saying she should have treated me better And there were lots of tears and me asking her to leave my house because I was hungry So the girl from work came back to visit her parents again We went out and made out made out in a few clubs and ran into my ex who gave me 20 missed calls by the time I was balls deep in the work girl that night flash forward to the morning where I'm trying it on with the work girl Who is feeling guilty and just giving me blue balls when my ex shows up and wants to talk in my lounge

While the work girl is sitting bolt upright in my bed like a startled meerkat Again, I asked my ex to leave Because it was early and miraculously I got away with it again Now after things went pear shaped with a girl from work and after I had a few sessions with the ex that were followed by tears I'm starting to think that I'm evil I'm going to uni in September and I don't know whether I should get back together with my ex who is getting a nose job Or just try to play the field I recently made out with Anne had a sexting snapchat session with my best friend's girlfriend of nine years

Who he broke up with a month ago. So here's my questions Should I get back together with my ex who might go from a seven or eight to a nine or ten after this nose job? Is it against bro code to fuck my best friend's ex fiance of nine years? Is it bad to tell the girl from work's boyfriend about us purely because I'm leaving and I don't want them to be happy How am I getting away with all this shit? And how can I ensure that no matter who I fuck that I'm dripping in bitches when I get to uni? Thanks for your help Love Jacob

I take my name back from him This we could spend the entire podcast on this question He it's very interesting because he just keeps adding like adding details like like as if we had mentioned them before The work girl has a boyfriend. He's like that was that came in at the last second Yeah, that was that was the third of five questions. He asked at the end. Um This is the most important question. How am I getting away with so much shit? Yeah, you Shouldn't be I think the answer to that question is that your mind is so warped

It is a black led box that you don't even allow yourself to feel guilty or sad For any of these transgressions, right? But also like the the dangerous thing that you're thinking is like how am I getting away with this? This is great. You'd never you never all the way get away with it. Yeah, it's not like you robbed a bank and like You this isn't a victimless crime All this stuff could still come out at any point also your girlfriend is crying and mad at you. Yeah, so you're not getting away You're just emotionally. Yeah, there is Scott. You've left awake a

disturbed Disastrous a rubble path. Yeah And you think you got away with it because I guess you're fine. Yeah, but also like there are more things can go wrong here It's a house of cards and he thinks that it's like everything's hey, man. I got away like a gentle gust of wind All of this comes crumbling down. Yeah, he's like, uh, your best friend's beating the shit out of you The work girl's boyfriend's beating the shit out of you your ex-girlfriend read eggs on the nose job And she's like, you know what this one's fine, right? He's like he blew up a building and there's video footage of him

He's like, how did I get away and it's like no you haven't quite gotten away. They know who you are Yeah, you're a hundred percent under arrest and they're coming to get you so Uh Should I get back together with my ex? Of course not But she might be a 10 after the nose job Sounds like one of his other questions is how do I make sure that I'm dripping and pussy when I get to uni So you can't get back together with your ex and then also be dripping with pussy at uni Well, you can if he's just cheating on his ex. He can cheat out, but you'll never be you'll never be dripping if you're cheating

Oh, so when you're cheating, you don't really see I don't think you need to be dripping with it So the best way to get a lot of punani is by not cheating. You have to be single You can't just like because I mean, let's face it if you're the One of the best parts of like getting laid a lot is being able to talk about it with your friends and like So you're saying you can't brag about it because he's cheating. What's the fun of just like shamefully fucking girls and never and like hiding it from somebody all the time Oh, so it's kind of like a weird paradox like it'll be more fun if you're to be dripping with pussy like be a pimp

I mean, I don't think this guy deserves anything right deserves. He's a bad Yeah, I think he deserves to be struck by lightning, but here's a question for you based on your little Statement earlier. Would you rather have sex with anybody you want and not be able to tell a soul? Or have sex with let's say one to two girls Uh That you want and you can tell anybody in the world I'd rather have sex with Anybody I want not telling anyone so but I'm a but I'm a little deviant, but also that's like a magical

I I'm like putting into this context like his reputation at school Like it's not going to be easy for him to get laid once it comes out that he's I'm not even talking about this guy I'm just talking about this hypothetical right. I understand But I I just want you to know that I mentioned my statement was made directed at him now. You're asking me Oh, would you rather right? That's right. And the answer is you'd rather Sleep with two girls. Oh, no, you'd rather sleep with anybody and then the people you just openly have to admit that you're a virgin Oh, interesting. Yeah, that's fine So you tell everyone you you've never had sex. That's your thing

So I could I can have sex with like anybody beautiful people in the world. So of course I would do that Yes, but if it's like if it's if a tree falls in the woods if you actually had sex with these girls and nobody knows it Is it still good for opa They'll tell everybody Oh, no, no, they're nobody will know they'll they won't be able to keep it a secret They fucked jake frickin her wits. Yeah jessica alba's gonna be tweeting about getting out You're gonna be like the edelman girl. I just fucked jake her wits. No lie

uh, would you be uh Excited or sad if the unit the story is some girl had sex with a new New england patriot football player and she like snapchatted it or put it on her tumblr twitter tinder tinder profile Uh picture of her with sleeping julian edelman and the text was I just fucked julian edelman. No lie And it was a huge story gossip story Uh, would you be excited or mortified if that happened to you? Maybe not either. I wouldn't be excited. I wouldn't be like, this is dope. You're so cool But I don't think it'd be like, oh my god, my life's over. I'd probably just be like

Fuck you you idiot. Why'd you do that? Right? But like if you saw it on like a gawker website I guess as long as I was single and the girl was Consenting age. Yeah, I wouldn't be like Mortally embarrassed and if she was super attractive Yeah, sure. Then that's another plus I wouldn't care that much if she was attractive or unattractive though. You wouldn't be madder Super mad or super happy. I would be annoyed at the at the girl and then I would probably be pretty dismissive of any response Yeah, because I read this article about julian edelman and says he just laughs it off. Yeah, he's like, oh whatever. Yeah, he slept with a fan

What would you do? Uh You would probably be mortified. I would be mortified. I think you would be Uh, I think it would be like one of those things like embarrassing on the face, but like Has this like air of coolness because it's like one You're cool enough for somebody to brag about you And then two it's like a big enough of a deal that people would blog about it So like it would be embarrassing on the surface But like if you you can sort of talk yourself into the fact that it's like a cool story, right?

You're a little miffed every time a girl Fucks you and doesn't promote it on her tumbler, right? Well, I have that the gift card thing It's like, oh good for 10 free tweets. So like if she tweets I fuck hashtag I fucked a mirror and then it's like that way she gets like she can cash those in for like I'll give her like uber credit or like wow or like a 10 off like a lift or there's something like that Or like 10 off a lift. I also have a bunch of like men she's small men. She's frozen yogurt cards Like that are like stamped all the way up bad for you. I think There shouldn't be an incentive, but I guess there has to be well. What do you think about this guy?

Uh, this guy's not um, he must be really hot Because he's just really bad to people and they just keep fucking him He all like he only the beginning of the story. He only had sex with two people, right? Yeah, the girl from work who must like him and He slept with her broke up with his girlfriend The order the order was an ideal Yeah, and he probably should have been a little more straightforward with his girlfriend and not uh, told her it was her fault right, so that's Mistake number one. I don't think it's

Unforgivable. I think you're you're young. You're it sounds like you're on your way to uni. Yeah, you haven't learned your lesson But you need You need just shut the fuck up You need to get a slap in the face You you need You need a new knee because I'm a busting knee You know actually the picture of him is he's pretty cut. Does he have a nice knee? Yeah. Yeah, actually has two really nice knees I was gonna say the caps are on. Yeah, he really has a great patella over here. Okay. Let me patella

He's got a good patella the girl tried to get back together with him not having it not having it That's okay to not get back together with somebody but you should be nice to him It sounds like they had some sessions with crying and that's good that he like hurt her out and met with her multiple times Hopefully you guys are having a healthy breakup. It's all fine boy to be like hitting this girl from work I mean we haven't gotten into the fact that she has a boyfriend yet, but like so far. This is all fine Where does it take a turn for the sour? Well, now he says he says what are his questions and I'll I'll go from there Should I go back together with my ex?

No, because you broke up with her you cheated on her and you intend to get a lot of pussy in college Is it not is it against bro code to try to fuck my best friend's ex-fiancé? I forgot that he even did this Of course. Yes. It's it's absolutely not bro code It isn't bro code at all Is it bad to tell the girl from work's boyfriend about us purely because i'm leaving and I don't want them to be happy That sounds like you or you want us to say you're evil like I don't think you really want to do that because You're a moron. Okay. How am I getting away with so much shit? You're not you're a moron

Uh, how can I ensure no matter who I fuck that i'm dripping in bitches when I go back to uni? You can never make sure no matter what no matter who you fuck that you're dripping in bitches you have to realize that all of your decisions have consequences So stay single Yes, stay single for sure. Try not to hurt anybody's feelings Always be nice kind and positive because if you're an asshole your reputation

Will get out personally, but don't you think bad reputations are good? This is where this is where i'm gonna i'm gonna level with everybody i'm gonna Talk about myself a little bit for a change uh I had a Or I have a bad reputation for being a man slut. Yeah a whore a player pimps And I will tell you that that is never ever although it's come up as a speed bump. It is never ever

Maybe once or twice, but never ever really Prevented me from getting late. It's my reputation also is that i'm friendly positive Kind and I don't hurt people's feelings even if we fuck us. You're saying you have a bad and also a good reputation. Yeah So my lulu uh, what is it? Isn't it lulu? Oh, yeah, the the man the app where girls rate guys Yeah, I looked at my lulu once. Yeah How did the lulu how did the lulu pan out? I had like I don't know what it is now But I had a great score and because girls at the very least thought you were being honest to them Yeah, well because I mean I sometimes lie, but I'm never ever mean right you're never mean you're always in a positive way

And I care a lot about people's feelings, but not like really like surface level So as like you'll do stuff behind people's back, but as far as they know, they're happy I don't know. I care. Ah, this is where it gets a little great for me Because I'm also a little evil not as outright evil as this guy. I care about I care a lot about people's feelings I also am very selfish. Oh, and then when you're drunk you care less about people's feelings and more about being selfish Yes, right exactly. You also love being drunk. That's one of the main problems I think because it's like I get one whiskey. I mean, I'm like, oh now it's me time Give me three more whiskeys. So I really only think about myself

Uh, so are we done with this guy? I don't know what else to tell him. I be good Yeah, at least actively try all the time to be good. You don't have to you know, this is a it's a really lovely Mary Oliver poem Oh, you do not have to be good But you do not have to crawl through the desert. I forget this part Uh, she says you only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves The only let the soft animal of your body love what it loves What if it loves two people at once? Then you have to

Then you have to be open with those I just say hey, I love you and I also love you just so we know we're all people can't get that mad at you for being honest Right like as long as you tell them your intentions Honesty is like a full suit made out of gold. Yeah, it's just undisputable You are you are a nobleman. Yeah, even if you are being honest about some like awful atrocity People just love honesty. That's it's even down to like the court system Like if you plead guilty if you say that you are guilty right now and just We just think that you're an honest guy. You'll get less of a jail time

Yeah If you say if you lie to us now and then we go and we go and I check and I talk to people for a month And then we find out that you're guilty. You're really fucked. People don't like being like if you just be honest. Yep. I'm good All right, we're gonna talk boy We're gonna talk to these people who do say otherwise and you'll see that they are wrong and I am right. All right I'm honest and All of those other people are lying four weeks later. Uh, yeah, you're guilty Maximum jail time, of course. I appeal and I do plead insanity because I did it, but I was crazy

When I did it free Yes All right, let's get to another question about a guy who's a little more Uh genuine a little more nice a little more honest and a little bit more open. He's a likable dude Let's call him a mirror I am the master. No, I am the master. That's why I got to name him that. All right. Hey dudes Love the show. I'm a high school senior approaching prom and as exciting as that sounds and is supposed to be I can't seem to get over the monetary cost of the event

I'm currently working and taking full-time community college classes to help save money for transferring to university next year So dropping $500 on one night is not something I'm interested in Especially if it's just to hang out with and look good for people. I mainly don't care about I would just say fuck it and not go But I have a girlfriend who's a year younger than me who refers to this prom as a dream of hers Also, unlike me her night is 100 paid in full as her parents are buying her dress And I would be buying her ticket dinner and hotel room I'd love to do something special for her

But it seems like I could do something as or more special without spending almost two months salary I also know that it's important to her, but it is my senior prom and year not hers Does this make any difference is prom worth it? Should I just suck it up and go? Am I obligated to suck it up and go? If not, how do I go about getting my girlfriend on board with the idea of not attending? Thanks guys. Any help on the matter would be greatly appreciated sincerely amir I feel like I know which who side you're on His side. Yes, and you think he should just go for her. Yes, I think you should go. Why? He can't afford it

Yes, he can It would cost it would be a huge two months of work to go to this prom that he doesn't want to go I think you could do it on the cheap I've at the very least share your concerns with your girlfriend and maybe her rich parents will help out Oh Tell your parents tell everybody's parents tell all your friends I don't know. I think you can hustle and scrounge for some money But I think

You got to go to prom First of all, like he's got a bad attitude about it. It's never really like that fun But it's like can be really fun if you go and you're it seems like most of the fun either happens after the prom or before the prom Right, but I think this is like like do you remember your actual prom? Not really. Well, I do the thing is I Yeah, I know I remember the I remember prom and it was fun and I like just like all my friends We like bought in hard and we're like, we're gonna have a great time at prom We're gonna do this. It's gonna be fun and then it was fun But if you go into it with this attitude of like, this is too expensive. Is it really worth it?

I don't know Then you're gonna go in and like prom's not gonna impress you because you're like going in there not Ready to be impressed see either have to dive head first full on into this prom thing or just not get into it at all Because prom for you prom might not be that great But like your girlfriend being mad at you about not letting you you guys go to prom Like that's gonna be way more miserable and last way longer. Well, what if he's completely honest with her? And says stuff like hey, I don't know if I can afford this Uh, maybe we could do something else that special and then meet up for it because yeah, he's got a job

What a stucky situation. What a sticking Point well, if I were you you you would go you would just say I have to do this I wouldn't even suck it up. I would change my attitude and be like, you know what prom's gonna be fun uh I understand not having any money, but like I think there are ways to get money Maybe talk to your girlfriend about splitting some of these costs because if she wants to go really bad It is fair that she would split

Yeah, so you shouldn't have to buy Her ticket and her portion of the hotel room if like she really really wants to do this If this is a dream of hers, then you know work something out, but I do think You gotta have a good attitude and go Uh, I would say tell your girlfriend your concerns and see how she starts taking it What if she's like, oh my god totally no way I wouldn't want to do that I don't want to like put you out like that. I guess she's not gonna do this because prom is a dream of hers But it is his problem and not hers

Yeah, that is a thing. I feel like this is like I aligned with uh Your stance on like tipping or something which is what it's not It's not uh illegal to not tip. Yeah, do people know that? Yeah, yeah I feel like there are certain institutions that you are you're sort of against for example I can't I can't think of any right now. I don't want the word to be that. I don't tip But you do tip. I I'm not saying that. Yeah, I always tip a good tip But you're like sort of a miserly little Okay, so that's against what you just said. Yeah, well not the tip thing

But I don't know I feel like there are things that inherently cost money that you don't like doing because right like I don't buy into this thing Cost yeah, it's kind of like a wedding idea. Like, you know, this is like a super small scale version of a wedding Right, uh most guys don't really give a shit about the size of the wedding sometimes girls do And then guys have to be like, all right. Listen, this this is not for me. It's for her And uh, you have to sort of like let yourself go a little bit about being a guest to a wedding if you had a girlfriend this is similar to something like that and It's like a destination wedding. You would be like, I'm not really am to go. I don't want to pay. I don't want to go Spend all this money just to go to somebody else's wedding. Right. That's how you would feel

Because I would be the opposite. I'd be like, which is what we have to go Yeah, be like, oh, this is good. This is an adventure. This is gonna be really fun. Let's uh get a sweet hotel room and let's uh Dress up and go to a wedding. Well, luckily all my friends got married after I had a job for many many years So I was never like broke going to a wedding. I it's hard. It's hard to be broke. It's nice that we're rich Yeah, I'm so glad that I have the master. You don't let me refresh this page 2.1 million dollars in assets. Wow, that's really good liquid. That's crazy. What are you rolling on? I have like 400 bucks invested in In uh, it it in very volatile stocks. Yeah, I see that penny stocks

Holy what is that pru rtc one of my stocks is just uh, it's gambling essentially Of course it is you have a thousand dollars on it's gone. Yeah, you were playing online roulette with your feet. Wow Uh, but doesn't it remind you of the wedding thing? I mean, there are some ladies who are like I don't want to get married in a big lavish way. We should just spend that money on a house Like some people spend uh A hundred thousand dollars on a wedding and some people would rather spend that on an awesome vacation and a down payment on a house I guess but sometimes you're sexualized. It's just like in a couple Some people are like down to spend money on certain things and some people aren't sure this is we're experiencing it now with uh

Apartment hunting right like you're you what you look for in a abode. Yeah, some people are oh I'll pay more to live in a shittier place in a better location or no I want to pay for the house and I don't care where the location is. I guess it's different like well friends It's easier because we don't really care about Disappointing each other and we when we are disappointed it doesn't last very long Couples are like very different because every decision has some kind of like weird sexual thing in limbo Like i'm not going to stop blowing you because you didn't want to live in the house that I wanted God dude. Yeah. Well, I that's because I got you gave me road dome on the way back

And I was driving so how is that fair? Uh, so what you would oh if I were you you would suck it up and go I wouldn't even would you even tell you I would I would like really I guess I I yeah, I would change my attitude but not suck it up and be like, all right fine I'll fucking do it, but I would be like Make a list of all the things that will be good about Prom starting with how happy it will make the person you love would you Would you would you would you tell your girlfriend your concerns about the money

Yeah, if I genuinely couldn't afford it Couldn't afford to go to prom and college. I would say I really want to go to prom. I'm with you. I Love how excited you are your dress is gorgeous. Let's make this work Uh, that being said I can't afford it all on my own. We've got to figure something out. Okay, and I would just uh, not necessarily go to prom Because it's not that exciting of an event anyway. Have a conversation looking back on it now because you're fucking 40 years old Yeah Uh, it's exciting then it's exciting when you're a senior in high school. I guess I mean, I never got it's prom

That's the biggest that's the biggest thing I never got too into prom Well, you didn't get any pussy in high school. Exactly. I didn't get laid. I also didn't drink after the prom I didn't have the classic high school prom experience. Oh Did you like have a drinking hotel after party? Uh, I think we had it. We there was a party afterwards Yeah, I don't think it was it. It wasn't at a hotel awesome house, but you got high or drunk High and drunk. Did you get head or sex?

I did get head. That's awesome. And then how was it? Did you ejaculate? This part I don't remember. Oh, yeah I bet I did Very cool. Yeah, I I don't want to deprive them of that. Have you ever had sex? Have you ever got head? Have you ever nut the lemon fell? Yeah, I do. Or do you just blow me? Because I know I don't reciprocate I've sucked you off for hours on end and you

And your dick never even gets art. It is a kibru national hot dog It is a soft frankfurter just limp and gummy like a like a bummy like a just unfrozen to it Still cold in the middle. Yeah, it's thawed. It's thawing from the outside as if nothing warm has ever flown Float through it. Just an icy icy urethra. I have Uh, all right, that's our two cents Uh, let's take a break and we'll come back with one more question This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious

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But there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. Maybe you want to give somebody a gift This season a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com Slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain Again squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it

Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10 off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace PJ fan 3 4 3 4 Henry Henry Henry and Ronan Wood Three people we'd like to thank for leaving positive iTunes reviews this week to you sir as we say toda Gracias and dunca All right, also ellie deboss jmart 0031 and jc 3 9 9 Not the best names, but positive jc 3 9 9 especially

We appreciate it nonetheless, maybe that was based on like an old apple Name that it looks like it was auto given to you fair enough But these reviews and these subscriptions really help if you have iTunes subscribe and rate It goes a long way for whatever reason They iTunes really waits Reviews and subscriptions highly So like 50 people later. We're already in the top 10 in comedy podcasts. That's awesome You mean stay there stay there

In iTunes hands up No, we'll eventually drop down as the momentum decreases. Well, everything beautiful Must die. I guess so you do know that Still some tickets left for our australian shows We're gonna be an adelaide perth brisbane melbourne sydney and Adelaide melbourne brisbane perth sydney Oh, that's it. Yeah five cities five cities Uh, still getting emails still getting tweets that we're saying melbourne. It's melbourne

What are you talking about? We we've been saying melbourne. I know I just I I really feel like we're pronouncing it with our with our accent We're not mispronouncing it like we're not getting any emails from people being like actually it's Sydney like s-i-d-n-e-e Like I don't know you you guys are forcing us to talk like you. It's it's unfair. I don't even know if it's Jesus wow, I don't even know if it's worth it. Like what do you what do you want from me? So like if we pronounced airborne, yeah, an australian accent. Yeah airborne No, you know australian accent. Oh

Ebbin ebbin right well people tweeted us and be like actually it's not airborne. It's a i b e n Right. It's like no, it's not you just have a weird accent Or a different accent like if we were saying oh, we're gonna go to paris and then everybody from paris was like Oh, it's pronounced. It's pronounced paris. Oh, how about this? uh australian comedians coming to america And they go, oh, we're headed to los angeles And i'm like it's we get all these would they get all these tweets like actually it's not pronounced los angeles

It's pronounced los angeles. Yeah, try to have an ugly american accent when you go to new york. Yeah, no It's new every york All i'm saying is that i'd love to have a linguistic Expert come on the show and talk about this for what we'll feel like weeks But we'll probably only take fun that it's my friend eddie's a linguist. Oh really? Yeah, we should call him sometime You should just call him because he's your friend and you haven't spoke to him in a while. Yeah, we had a falling out You have a falling out with a lot of your friends. I've never not had a falling out Have you ever falled back in?

I've never fallen back in either. So you've only ended relationships on a weird sour sudden note only yep Everyone I know is estranged To you to me not to each other. Yeah I've never known a single friend of a friend to have a falling out with that friend anyone but me So there's a friend group of 10 Yep, and I've fallen out with nine of them all of all of the possible falling out and they haven't fallen out with each other So it's starting to think there's something wrong with my friends You should end thinking that you shouldn't start thinking that yeah

This is a cloud of connection. It's a cloud of connections hovering above you and none of them point down to you Simpsons thing with the part is like dragging everyone's grades down that sits near him Exactly you are a black hole of friendship fair enough um And los angeles new show may 8th at the hollywood improv. Oh, yeah Come to that show kind of short notice But tickets are still available to that show at the hollywood improv All these tickets and all these links won't somebody here say yeah

All these tickets and all these links won't somebody here say what's our time? No, it's not okay all these tickets and all these links At if irewshow.com So check them out if you want to hang out with us see the show live. It's a fun night It's always fun to be there Especially for us and then we hang out after and we get to see you and talk to you We'll take photos give you a high five and a hug and they've got drinks and they got food And we all chill And let's just say i want drinks and food and let's just say

You come and there we i am yeah, what you're coming and there we are we're coming there there We are there too. We will meet you and to make it simple If you're at the show then yeah, we'll see you there then at there that time at the time Of the show is at the show that we'll be out then we'll be there. Okay as will i and you all right Do you have time? Do you have the effort? Do you have the energy to muster up one more question and answer section? I'm your blooming felt. I do not. All right. Let's call it a day. We are at the 43 minute mark. So I feel like we've given them enough Content oh for the week. Uh, thank you so much for everyone listening

Really, are we really gonna stop? Yeah, I thought you said you wanted to stop I was I was just trying to like make everybody upset, but I wasn't really gonna do it. All right Uh, so one more question. Sure. Yeah, we'll work. All right. Whoa. That was really close Let me just figure one out. Shit. Do we have one? I only found two you dick. What? You should have just planned was to just do fucking two. So you're gonna put it on me You say hey Jake, do you want to do one more and then I say no and that's when we end it Do you demonize me? You demonize me? You know I always have a lot of questions ready for you I'm just trying to choose which one do I think will end the podcast in a great succinct new cool funny situation

Oh, now you're trying to cast yourself in a positive light. That's right. You're trying to get the master This is all right. Do you want an interesting one or do you want uh an immature one? interesting, okay This one is us from a male sophomore in college. Sorry male junior in college We'll call him cooper cooper writes uh I need to get this out quick. The situation is I'm a junior in college and I like this girl who's a freshman

And she likes me too. At least I think she does. I told her I'm open to us having a relationship But she pointed out quite logically I might add that we only have a few weeks of school left Then we're gonna have to be living far away from each other over the summer So if we're to start a relationship now, she said it would be best if we wait until next year I had to agree but the problem is I don't know what to do in the meantime I mean, I know I still have free reign to enjoy myself and be single and I plan to do that But I don't want things to completely fizzle out with this girl who I still like I plan to keep hanging out with her for the rest of the school year

But I have a slight fear that if we spend too much time just hanging out as friends Then that's all she'll see me as so how do I keep this spark alive with her without just being her friend? I'm afraid that if I completely disappear from her life that she'll lose interest Is there any way I can act when we hang out that will make her not see me as just a friend? What do I do? Thanks cooper. All right What do you think? I think my thought

Is that if a girl Like you can't hide or Uh decide that a spark should be delayed If there is an actual spark of romance Then you do illogical shit like stay together over the summer even though you only met two weeks ago And it's like almost like beyond your control. You're like, I think this is a bad idea But I don't know if I have to do this and then she's like, I don't know. I think I do too This is crazy, but we're like really really into each other and it really doesn't make sense

But you know what I can't even choose to do to not be with you right now Right and if there actually isn't a spark then you can say stuff like, uh, maybe we should just hang out after the next Summer I don't think you can have a spark and be logical enough to say let's delay this for a summer That's fair. I think I agree because love or whatever lust or this super passionate crush makes you do stupid things And the fact that she's still acting logically and rationally means unfortunately She's not as into it as you are because it sounds like you'd be down to just Uh be together for three weeks and then quote-unquote figure it out And then when you figure it out, you're like talking to each other all the time when you're apart

Then you fly out to meet somewhere in the middle Then you like start alternating weekends and then by the time you notice like, oh, it's the end of july Oh, it's early august. Maybe we should go back to school early. It's like, oh my god This is crazy, but we made it work because we're obsessed with each other We can't even think about being alone beautiful people at school and you guys break up again Yeah, exactly and that's the beautiful thing that it just goes away instantly once you see each other nothing lasts Yeah, that's not amazing What do you think?

I think I agree with you It sounds like if she's willing to put such a pause on it that you guys aren't even gonna hook up like leading into the summer it's kind of damning but I'll let him figure that part of it out. All I'll say is that over the summer You don't have to worry about it fizzling just like do your own thing and don't think and think about her as little as possible It doesn't matter like I think state doing things to stay on a radar like Texture caller Trying to Skype with her like all that does is make you needy and too familiar and

not that exciting Think about exciting will be like when you guys are back at school and you hit her up like day one like hey Let's catch up. I want to hear all about your summer. Right. That's great. She hadn't heard from you all summer So you're saying the distance thing might actually be good for you absence makes the heart grow boner Nice Absence makes the dick grow longer Actually, why don't you just use the boner thing for the dick thing absence makes the dick grow boner. Yeah Right, but what has said rhyme with heart or fonder

um Boner is pretty close with fonder longer. Yeah Oh Fonder harder we need heart. Oh fart But not yeah, you know absence makes the heart cock. That's close We need a heart. Oh absence makes my part grow longer That's how you write People that was live. That's what that was was an alley youth that went back and forth between two idiots for so long

That the shot clock ran out And then I dunked it But everybody was everybody was in the locker room and the other team won by a lot Yeah, and your dunk wasn't that good. It was like the kind of dunk where it's like a layup And then you grab the front of the rim Where if you look at it in super slow motion, it was just like a weird layup thing But you still think it was a dunk We go for a flying chest bump you land on my ankle and roll it

All of a sudden I have to carry you to the back room the locker room if you ask me But there's no one there to help me. So you're sort of shit out of luck. Wow I end up tearing an ACL because you're putting so much weight on my shoulder. You rolled your ankle and tore your ACL This is not good. I say it was all worth it for the dunk, which we finally watched and we see that I never really even touched the rim You're mad at me. I'm mad at you Sometime on the way to the locker room. I turn to you and plant one on you I kiss you for seemingly no reason. This is a weird podcast where you have blown we've blown each other and we kiss We are both the masters. This is what happens when we don't have a job

Just for the job we want and we want a blur journey All right, that's it. That's our episode. Thank you so much for listening If you have your own questions or your own theme song submission, send them that email address for everything is if I were you show at gmail.com We also need thumbnail submissions Every time we post this podcast to our facebook we use an original piece of artwork created by our fans We're you're helping us We provide the jokes and then if you like them you provide literally everything else Yeah, which I think is a pretty not 50 50, but at the very close 98 too

That opening theme song is from winter blind and this last one is by someone named fellow grim We'll be back soon peace They would answer any question without if I were you and it shows through the show If I were you the show starts now