If I Were You - 151: Spicy (w/Alana Haim!)

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Musician Alana Haim joins us to discuss terrible people and awesome names.This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com and Prosper.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

So we're here, you got yourself into a sticky situation Well I know of these two guys who can solve the complication They could drink in a beer, here to give you advice Better yet it doesn't even come at a price Now I know what you'll think, I've done some pretty bad stuff But have you had a handjob on the back of a bus? See, you can't be worse than that So send in your questions and these two koi juice

We'll give you their suggestions, their hashtag dope So I'll tell you what I do I'll stick around and listen to if I were you Ta-da! Is that a Haim song? Technically it was a cover Wow It was not a Haim song

I loved that That was Sam G Sam Gibbs who wrote it Let me just give him a quick shout out then I'll introduce you Soundcloud.com slash Sam Gibbs music portfolio Sick How's that for a catchy name? Very nice

Super catchy, I was super into that Alanna Haim Correct? In the building That's you Yup, that's me Musician? Rockstar? Maybe

Actress? No, definitely not that What would you say you are? What's your occupation on Facebook? I don't have a Facebook, I'm one of those cool people What's your profession on your tax return? I guess musician It literally says I guess musician

She doesn't know I don't know Here's a music question for you based on that song Okay Did you like it? Did you think it was a good one? What was his name? Sam Gibbs

I fuck with Sam Gibbs Okay I'm down with Sam Gibbs She actually goes to a Soundcloud page a lot I just bookmarked his Soundcloud page Soundcloud.com slash Sam Gibbs Sam Gibbs portfolio No, Sam Gibbs music portfolio

Damn it Was Sam Gibbs taken and Sam Gibbs music was taken? You had to go to the fourth level of categorization portfolio My music question was I could hear this guy's accent when he was singing But usually you cannot Is that true or am I just making that up? Do you know British musicians?

Yeah, I do And when they talk, they sound like they have an accent And then when they sing, you can't quite hear that accent True or false? It kind of depends on the person So you can hear accents in songs? Like the Beatles, you can hear that it was a... Sometimes, with specific words

You have to push his god into the show Yeah, like God and he can like guard it But then like one direction is You don't know, you're beautiful And that just pretty much sounds like angels singing And they are not necessarily from... For they are angels Yeah, but they are angelic

Who just left their group? Zane Oh my god He was the moody one Yeah, he was the moody one He was so moody, he left Yeah, I guess we all saw it coming Well, I wish him well

In his new endeavors So this is an advice podcast I don't know if you've ever heard of it before Probably not, right? No, I've heard of it Okay, so it's called Fire Reader Liar No, I actually have

I'm keeping my fangirl status Doing all time low right now I'm a fangirl Yeah, you're acting very cool Yeah, yeah, yeah So people will email us And they have questions about what they should do in their lives Whether it be about relationships or school or whatever

And then Jake and I advise them out of their sticky situation And sometimes we have a guest Ooh, and that's me today And today we have you Oh my gosh, I feel so honored We hit you over the head on the street Drag you into our new home And now you're sitting in front of a microphone

This is our first podcast that we're recording in our new house Wow Yeah No one can see that you guys are literally holding a gun To your head Right now Yeah, that's the beauty of podcasts You tell me, are you funny and witty on your podcast?

In that order, I said And we said no matter what happens We will execute you afterwards So it's gonna be really hard It's gonna end with a gunshot It's gonna be a fun night for me How do you like this new place, Jake? I think it's fine

Yeah I don't think it's I don't think it's the modern house of our dreams That we deserve No I love this house You like it I'm a fangirl of this house also

See Tell me why you like this house I don't know It kind of reminds me of like old Hollywood Like some like starlet lived here Back in the day or something Yeah, that's why I don't like it Maybe I'm a girl

I like romanticize the 30s Yeah, I want like I want some like I want like I don't know what style of house it is But it's like mid-century modern That looks like an architect building Believe me, I love a good mid-century modern house

But I think this house is very beautiful It's got a lot of charm It does have charm I want a house with no charm at all You want just like brand new Like off the presses Yeah, just like enormous glass doors In an infinity pool

I want a house that costs way more money than I have That's sick You want a house you can't afford And that's the house you think you deserve Yeah You think you deserve a house The house I can't afford But it's the house I deserve right now

How does that make sense? How is that good? Do you like this house? I like it It's comfortable I like carpets though You don't like carpets I think carpets are fine

I think we have maybe a little too many carpets because there are wall-to-wall shag carpets in the bathrooms So those are two carpets I could do without That's a choice That was a choice somebody made I don't mind carpets in the bedroom though

Like it's nice to step out of bed on two You don't mind carpets in the bedroom Oh, no Shoot me I deserve it Shoot me Eat me Alright, you want to try

I will say it's comfortable in the room that I have Oh Oh, okay That's good Because I... Would you care to describe which room of the house that I occupy? You have a nice room

You have a king-size bed You do not have an en suite I do have an en suite You do not have an en suite It's an en suite It's a Jack and Jill en suite Me and Jake share a bathroom And do you have a closet in your bedroom?

I have one I have a walk-in closet And I have two walk-in closets And we share Therefore I have the master Therefore I am the master And therefore you will call me master We couldn't decide who got the master bedroom

So the way I said would be fair is Let's just start bidding on How much you're willing to pay the other roommates for it Whoa So... You lost apparently We started the bidding at $100 Where the master would pay the two others

They're subordinate It's $100 each And Jake bid up to $150 Wow You are really not saving any money For the house you deserve The master doesn't care Well, you did bid $200

And then you started regretting it And then you started crying You retracted your bid You said no master is worth paying You thought it was $400 But it turns out it was $600 more Because you were paying $200 to two different people I still don't understand how that math works

Because you were an additional $400 And then we were like negative $200 Right, but I can't wrap my head around it Because I only... I didn't pay an extra $600 Yeah, you paid $400 Right Well, I'm saying if you had paid $200 each

That's like you're paying $400 extra And me and Marty were paying $200 less I feel like this podcast needs a lot of editing That's the thing, it doesn't You guys are going through some issues right now Do you guys need me to guide you through it? Do you want to put this problem into an email And I'll answer your problem?

It's half a therapy session for us Yeah, we like to talk through our mistakes Okay Not that this was a mistake It wasn't a mistake There's everything right about me being in the master Wow And you don't mind paying an extra $450 a month

For a room that's relatively as good As the one that I'm in Yeah, it's so relatively good That you offered to pay $100 for each room Yeah To each roommate I thought that was an appropriate proportion of how much more I just did another $50 each on top of that

Per person Per person So it's another $100 That's right This is the craziest argument I've ever seen We could have completely had this discussion We're actually out of time We do have this discussion

We've had this discussion a thousand times Before, after, and during Luckily, we're leaving at the end of this month So there will be yet another debate Yet another master Yes Which brings us to the... I'm going to be the master next month

That'll solve all of our problems You won't have to worry about me or Jake If anybody out there has a line into HGTV Amir had an idea for a TV show called The Master Yeah, three people have a competition for the best bedroom It's sort of like how... Wait, why are you saying this on the podcast? This idea is gold

Some person listening to this podcast is going to be like Zoink This is my master idea You lose, you lose We really should We really should pitch The Master Yeah And then maybe you can get the house you deserve

That joke never gets old At that point, if you can afford it It's not a house you deserve anymore Yeah, then you need to dream bigger I don't want to have earned it That means I don't deserve it Alright, here we go Question the first

Alana, are we going to give these real emails Fake names to preserve these people's anonymity We don't want to out them So do you have a fake name to give this guy? To give a guy? I'll help you I'll give you some context He has a twin brother

It helps you color that character a little bit more My dad's a twin, are they identical? They are identical I don't want to give this person my dad's name That's creepy Give him your uncle's name My uncle's name? No, no, it could be anything

I don't want my baby name My secret baby name that I know I'm going to name my son I already know Tell me and then we'll edit it out Well, I might not believe it out Do you really not want to give away your baby's name? No, I can

I don't really care I want my first son's name to be Zully With the Z Z-U-L-L-Y Zully Why Zully? I don't know My friend's brother had that name

And I always thought he was like the coolest person ever And I was like, that's a pretty cool name Zully Hurwitz I want my kid to grow up to be like the hot kid in class Because I was like the exact opposite of the hot kid in class So I just hope that You were the ugly kid in class You could name your kid a hot name

And he'll turn out to be hot Every... If you name your kid Zully, he'll grow into a Zully I really feel like he'll grow into like a leather jacket Wearing like toothpick in mouth Yeah, you really do glamorize the 30s and 40s Yeah The coolest thing you can do is have a toothpick and a leather jacket

Imagine me And a curl, like a curl that's like greasy I basically just want my son to be Danny Zuko Another z-name Another z-name Zully Zuko Zully Zuko If there's a Zuko out there that wants to marry me, let go

Zully Zuko Hyam You have to keep your last name, right? Because that's the name of the band I think I'm going to do a hyphen Those are quite popular these days You're going to give the kid the hyphen? Like, my kid would be like Zully Hyam hyphen Oh, your Hyam goes first

And then, yeah, Hyam always goes first I love my last name That's the name of your next album Hyam goes first, always Zully Zuko, writes Okay, Zully Zuko Zully Zuko writes I'll get right to the point

My twin brother's girlfriend is a stone-cold bitch Oh She's a first-year university student And my bro is a senior in high school This bitch is insane To start, she's lazy And I don't mean I don't want... Sorry

To start, she's lazy I don't mean I want to watch Netflix all day lazy But rather, I refuse to do literally anything That requires energy lazy My parents invited her to our family cabin And flew her out with our own dime When she got there, she spent the entire week inside Because, quote, wind made her tired

She refuses to drive her own car And likes to take out my family car So she can, quote, save on gas One time, she took the front seat of the car From my elderly grandmother Because she, quote, gets car sick However, she spent the whole time in the car Looking back at my brother

And playing games on her phone My brother is the family photographer And on another trip, she was invited And she forced him to take as many pictures of her As she... as he could That resulted in about five photos of the family From the vacation And 300 photos of her

On the same vacation, she took all the sunscreen And hid it in her room So that only she could use it to, quote, keep her skin safe Leaving the rest of my family Exposed to harsh UV rays She also got him to take sexy photos of her Like this one And post them on social media

Did he send you a photo? There is an Instagram link Both my parents and grandparents have... It was hot too, I looked at it Both my parents and grandparents have Instagram And were shocked to see this chick In a goddamn G-string When they opened up their Instagram

This is just the tip of the bitch-berg I understand that my brother is also at fault For a few of these things But she's got him by the balls I don't know how to approach this topic Around him So, if you were me How would you approach a situation

When your sibling's significant other Is dragging them down? Thanks Love you guys Zully Zuko Yeah Uh... First off

Yeah I'm about to say Doesn't matter how ugly this girl's soul is You cannot call someone a bitch Really? Drop the bitch word, y'all What about your... Your anti-bitch?

I'm anti-calling girl's bitches What would you call this girl? I would call her a very special person What's a negative way to call her? A negative word? I don't know Just like a mean girl She seems like a mean...

Can you call her an asshole? Yeah, I think you call her an asshole Just a bitch is such an ugly word for a woman What about girl on girl? Can you call someone a bitch? Um... What do you... I don't

I know people do But I just get frustrated So you don't use that word at all? No, I don't like using that word What about the C word? C word is worse So B word, no I can't

I don't even say the C word out loud That's why it's called the C word What about the D word? I don't even know what the D word is Me neither But it's that bad Wow, future What about if I called a mirror bitch?

Um... I don't know I mean, it kind of comes like... I feel like it's like person to person Personally, I don't like it I don't think men... I think it's like a men and men... Like male to female vibe

Like a male should never call a girl a bitch Ever That's very disrespectful I guess I don't know very much about How the word makes people feel But oftentimes for me like The emotion behind... Like if I were to call a girl a bitch

It would be like filled with like Hate and vitriol And that's awful Like this girl's a fucking bitch Like that's crazy But if I call the mirror bitch It's like kind of silly Right

I think it's just used in the word Of describing someone like as a bitch That's very hurtful as a woman Okay So Zully That's a good tip That's taken out So just start

He should call her a bitch He should call her a mean girl Or... A meanie An asshole An asshole I would... From hearing this question

It seems like Some of the stuff she does is like Pretty annoying It is super annoying And then some of the other stuff though Is just like Him... The sunscreen thing for instance

She hid it in her room I don't believe that she hid Like correct He's like voting her First of all how much sunscreen do they have Do they have like a bat Like a Costco size Like she took all the sunscreen

We each bought a bottle We got all the sunscreen for the family Leave it in the family room So the UV rays don't hurt us She says no I shall take it into the world And that's like the food supply She wants it just for herself

She was drinking it Like coconut milk She also has always quote something Yeah So she can quote Save money on gas So she can quote Protect her skin

No she definitely One thing that really You know made me sad was she took Gam Gam seat Yeah She can take Gam Gam seat Yeah you gotta do Gam Gam is old and deserves the seat

In the front No matter what Believe me I get car seat But when my Gam Gam Is coming into town You gotta take one for the team Age before beauty Gam Gam

Age before Alana I don't know about beauty But Gam Gam always gets the front seat That was really bad What were the other ones I didn't see the Instagram Oh you didn't see the photo

So she made him take a picture of her And post it to his Instagram It's funny though That the brother was like She made him take this photo And post it to his Instagram Oh wait it's on his Instagram That's a 100% his choice

Yeah Wow What do you see Alana When you see this Can you describe it I see a jean jacket And some white lacy panties Yeah a girl

And a butt shot A butt, a booty Tbch And that is to be completely honest To all you who don't know that I honestly think he posted that On his Instagram Like show people like

Who he's stripping I don't think that was He was like And then he made She made him Post this sexy photo on his Instagram He definitely was like Yo look who I'm stripping right now

What is that word Stripping Stripping Stripping Alana speaks fluent Yiddish I don't speak fluent Yiddish You're such a munch Aww

You're an Uber muncher No I just hate the word Fucking I think it's so gross And not cute That's a lot of You don't like swear words You don't like fucking

You don't like bitch I don't You don't like cunt I mean at this part The C word Jake don't say it out loud That's why we call it The C word

My mother would be horrified Mommy if you're listening Amir said Cunt I didn't say it That's the best part I didn't say it I want this to catch on

Because I think stripping Is such a funny word To describe sex I like stripping Stripping You stub someone I want to strip her I want to strip him

Stripping Stripping Stripping Stripping Stripping Stripping Stripping Stripping

Stripping Stripping Stripping Stripping Stripping Stripping Stripping Stripping

Stripping Stripping Stripping Stripping Stripping Stripping Stripping Stripping

Stripping Stripping Stripping Stripping Stripping Stripping Stripping Stripping

to pull you in closer because we don't need them. But I think that if a sibling is dating someone that you don't like and it's getting so serious that you feel like maybe marriage is on the table or it's taking the next level, personally I don't think I could stand by and not tell my sibling, please go for it. I put my siblings on such a pedestal. I think my sisters are the greatest women of all time. Have you ever hated someone that they were dating? Yes and no, but the thing is no one has ever come so close where I feel like I really do

need to step in, but I know who my sister is, what kind of man my sisters deserve and if I feel like a guy is not treating them the way they should be treated, hell fucking yes, I'm stepping in and being like, yeah, no, this guy is not the shit. I do swear, just in the appropriate ways. You don't waste it. I don't waste it. I feel like you would tell your brother if he was dating a meanie, a fenn hole. I don't think my brother would find himself dating somebody who really, really, really

truly sucked. It is weird how some good people just fall for terrible, like attraction is such a weird thing like that where you know good guys that have been with awful people just because sex feels good and that's like the main reason and then you're like, oh, this is good. So let's just ignore everything else that's bad, right? But then how often like have you ever gotten out of a relationship and then your friends are like, oh, thank God, we all hated that girl. No, me either.

I definitely was in that situation and then you're like, I will, why didn't you say anything when we were together? But you also, you can't be, you can't be convinced when you're with that person. You're blind. He's true, but I think with Zully, I think what he should do is if his brother, it has his brother, like we don't know if his brother has ever asked like, oh, do you have a problem with his chica, like that's when he can be like, actually was kind of bummed when she took GamGam's seat.

You know what you do? And this is, I'm with you. Here's what you do. Instead of saying like, fuck your girlfriend, she took GamGam's seat. That's fucked up. Don't you think? You're the animal in your body is to defend her. Right?

It's to be like, no, fuck you. It's fine. She gets carsick. GamGam didn't mind being in the backseat. Right. But what if I said, how did you feel when she took GamGam's seat? Right. Then it's, I'm just asking, like, what do you think about that?

That's a good vibe. And then, of course, you're going to, you know, nobody wants GamGam's seat to get fucked with. Yeah. That's her seat. GamGam gets shotgun. GamGam always gets shotgun. And I'm also a true believer in people need to, like, see through journeys.

Oh, like, they have to learn it themselves. They have to make the decision themselves. Like, yes, a million people can say, like, I don't like your girlfriend. And they'll be like, fuck you. She's my girlfriend. But then when they realize it, then it's officially over. So that's what you want. You want to inception him to be like, to, like, think about it himself.

Yeah. That's true. People, and you, people are, nobody will break up with a girl just because their friends don't like her. Right. But it can plant seeds of doubt. In a friendly way, point out all of this girl's shortcomings, like, look through the camera. Wow.

Only a couple of pictures of the family on this vacation. He does have a very large list. Yeah. He has a very large list of, of things to scroll. Some of the grievances are, are major and some are very petty. Um, but yeah. So the old, if I were you, what would you do if you were him? You would what?

Um, I would very calmly ask, just like, keep on asking his opinion on this girl until he, cause he, everyone that's in this type of situation knows deep down in their heart that, that this girl sucks or that the relationship is bad. So you just have to be really patient and let that like surface. And then when it finally does, you embrace your brother and you say, you're right. I think you came to the right decision. Right. And then the second that they break up, you need to like make sure your brother is preoccupied

with a bunch of shit. In a good way or a bad way? Also, if they're identical twins, he could break up with her. Wait a minute. If I were you. So this is what you do. You get into a dim setting, something where it's sort of, you can't really tell who's who, but if they're identical twins, it shouldn't matter.

They're truly identical. Blindfold her. Then you break the news to her. She has to believe that it's the other twin. What's Zully Zuko's twin's brother's name? Zachary? Zachary. Zachary and Zully Zuko.

Zachary Zuko. And Zully Zuko. Chera Zebra. And Alana, what would you do if you were you? You would tell your sisters. If I was Zully, I would plant the seed, as Jake said. You don't ever sit your sister down and say, what the fuck are you doing with this guy? Because then he'll feel threatened and he'll be mad.

And also, whenever you do that, if you force your sibling to do anything, sometimes they rebel and stay with the person just because they're angry about it. I think that usually happens when it comes from parents. People like to rebel against parents. I don't know if it's a rebel against friends or siblings. I don't know. That's a question mark. What would you do, Amir?

I think I would tell them if it's truly an awful woman, I would be like, you know, she's a bad woman. But I'm like overly, I'm bluntly honest. Sometimes it's not in a good way. But I would be like, this is a bad person. Right. But I feel like I've said that to friends. Yeah.

It's interesting. If it was us, like if you told me that somebody I loved was a really shitty person, I feel like it would mean a lot more because now we're older. And when we're with someone, it's like potentially a life mate. Oh, it means something. This guy is a senior in high school. Oh, he's a senior in high school? Yeah.

Dude, break up with this girl. You have so much more life to live. Oh my gosh. I don't care who's in love. If you're a senior in high school, break up. Yeah, break up with this girl. We're not even talking to the guy. We're talking to the guy's brother.

I know. Well, to Zachary Zuko, you're fucking up. Break up with this girl and find someone that makes you happy. And then she'll find someone that makes her happy. You know it's... Life goes on. You know it's awkward. What's the cool way to say awkward?

Is it Oxford? Is it ox? Ox. You know what's ox? Have you ever... Why did you think it would... It might be Oxford? Oxford?

How old are you? I'm 49. That's just something that you want to be cool. Is it Oxford? What's the cool way to say awkward? Do you know what's cool? Beans? I am holding a toothpick.

Yeah, what's the banana's pajamas these days? The banana's pajamas is when somebody breaks up with someone and you're like, oh, thank god, I hated that person. And then they get back together. Has that ever happened to you guys? That's like, oh, yeah. No, that hasn't happened to me, but that seems like a very treacherous situation. The thing is, it's most likely...

Oh, dear god, I am so sorry. A FaceTime request on my computer. Wow. Who's trying to FaceTime you? Ben. Oh. Who's been a guest on this podcast before? Shorthy?

Yeah. Oh my god, Ben Schwartz. Hell yeah. Fuck with him. Yeah, that is awkward. That is weird. All right. Let's move on.

Let's go to the next question. That's a good question. Do you have another... Name? Yeah, another name. We should have answered that, by the way. That would have been fun for the podcast. Should we?

Should we call him back? Maybe. All right. But if this isn't funny, we'll edit it out. All right. It's calling. Hey, we're recording a podcast. Oh god, is this a trap?

It's not a trap, but I am still recording just in case something funny happens. No pressure. Wait, let me play music that's probably not allowed. Who's the guest? Alana Hyam. Oh, Alana Hyam. Hi, Ben. You guys have never met.

Wait, turn us... All right. Hi, Ben. This is how you like it, right? This is how you like it. This is how I like it. That's weird. Oh, hey.

Hi. Yeah, you hold the mic towards Ben. Hey, buddy. Sorry, buddy. Can you push Jake out of my room real quick? Sure. I'll leave on my own. How are you?

This is such a real moment. I hope we're capturing it. Guys, I've been listening to James Brown all day. All day. All day. I'm generally just trying to find this song. What did I interrupt? Wait, does this mean we can't get dinner, guys?

We can, but we have another half hour to record. All right. Let's put this on, and then let's go get dinner. By the time this album finishes, we'll come back. God, this is putting me under so much pressure. There's no video, right? There's no video, right? No, no video.

You are playing a song into a FaceTime that I'm recording onto a... So, 2015. All right, guys. So, let's do one question. Do we do a question yet? Oh, you want to try to answer one right now? Sure. 2015, that we're doing a FaceTime.

Look at Jake trying to fucking get a picture of this. He says, what does she come back? Wait, Ben, how was the fight in Vegas? I like that you both struck the same pose. It was just too much. It was excess of everything. Yeah. Let's do a question.

Let's do a question. All right, we're going to actually try to... I'll ask it, and then we'll all weigh in, all right? Hey, Chumps, my name is... Ben, do you have a name? What's the name? Do you have a name for us? Oh, what's the name for...

This person's a guy or a girl. What's your favorite baby name for your future baby? Alana, you say the first part... You say the first name and I'll say the last name. Oh, but I already gave my future baby name. This one can be your enemy's name. Oh, jeez. I'm not going to put that on a podcast.

Here, I'll give my next future baby name is Maurice. Maurice? That's right. She said, Horace. Horace Grant. Horace? Maurice, like a mouth. Maurice.

Oh, Maurice. Okay, that changes my name totally, by the way. All right, first name Maurice. She's got a huge text message, guys. First name Maurice, last name a mitten bottom. Maurice Mitten Bottom writes, Hey Chumps, my name is f***ing, I am a huge fan... I said his name.

Hey Chumps, my name is Maurice Mitten Bottom and I'm a huge fan. I'm a freshman at film school and an aspiring comedy writer and comedian. I pride myself on being a nice guy and being funny. About two weeks, about two months ago, I got my first girlfriend. She is really cool and was also my first kiss and I lost my virginity with her. I really like her, but the problem is... Lead with that, Jack. I really like her, but the problem is she doesn't think that I'm funny,

which is weird because almost everybody I know laughs at my jokes and tells me I'm funny. No matter how hard I try, I cannot make her laugh. And not only that, she often tells me that I'm not funny, even though everybody else will laugh at my jokes. As somebody who wants to be a comedian, I really like to make people laugh and I get depressed when people don't think I'm funny. My question is, should I break up with her or do I talk to her about it, even though if I do, that she will only be fake laughing at my jokes from now on.

Thanks, Maurice Mittenbacher. Mitten Bottom. Mitten Bottom, Mittenbacher. Idiot. Mittenbacher's a stupid name. Are you crazy? So... I know how to answer this question.

Go ahead. For sure. This girl is definitely negging him. What? You guys know what a neg is? Yeah, but I did not think that was what was happening. Really? I think she's totally negging him.

For sure. What do you mean? How? She already goes out with him. Well, no, she goes out with him. Okay, first of all, the second you start going out with someone, you need to keep it spicy always. Wow, I did not know that.

Gotta keep the spice happening. As soon as I start going out with someone, the spice is gone. No, it always needs to be spicy. The thing is, this girl also kind of sounds hilarious. This girl is fucking funny too. I'm down. I fuck with this girl. She's like telling the dude like,

you're not funny when he's like trying to be a comedian. It's a total neg. It's like a textbook neg. Wow. Can I ask you a series of questions? Ask me a series of questions. First of all, what is your t-shirt line that says, always keep it spicy coming out?

Second of all, what does it mean to keep it spicy? Well, first of all, I feel like when people get into a relationship, the reason why they break up is because it gets boring. You want to see a go on an adventure in greener pastures. It's just like the spice is gone, and you're always going to keep it spicy. And my mom always said, my mom always said you always have to be the guy

that likes you a little bit more than you like him. Whoa. So, yeah. My mom's a fucking G, that's why. Seriously. So, I feel like this girl, that's like the challenge. She's challenging him constantly

because he really wants to be funny to her, and she's like, no. I think this girl, she could have gone too far with the neg then. I mean, she is going pretty far with the neg, but I mean, she's a champion. If you're going to neg, you can't swing for the,

like she's going right to the core of this guy's soul. I mean, so how long they've been dating, and the exact jokes he's been telling, because maybe he's just not funny. I don't know. I think he's probably funny. I mean, I don't know. You guys are the comedians.

If all of his friends say he's funny. If all of his friends say he's funny. I just think this girl is like, trying to keep him on his toes. They've been dating for two months. Oh, they've been dating for two months? Oh, yeah. That's part two.

Part two, though, is that if you lost your virginity to her, you might as well break up because you won't marry her. There's no need to like, stay together with her. Not necessarily. This is, yeah,

it is very 1950s of him, but like losing your virginity to someone is a very powerful thing. I feel like they should stick around. The reason for breaking up should not be because she doesn't, she keeps telling me I'm not funny. That's weird.

That's, if a girl found me not funny at all, I don't understand how I would be with her. Really? Yes. Well, that's also because we come from comedy backgrounds. So it's like our job. It's like someone telling you

you're bad at music or something like that. Right. That's a perfect example, Ben. And we have to go to commercial break, but thank you so much for asking it. No, no, no. Ask, answer. Could you be with somebody

that thought you sucked at music? That is true. Probably not. But the thing is, is like, it depends on if I respected the person that I was with, like music taste. Cause like if I was dating a person,

like their favorite band was like Slipknot or, Orgy or, Both those bands rule. Ben Durst actually fucking kills it. Yeah. Yeah. He was crazy on that podcast.

I have one more on that documentary. I have one more thing to say. Yes. Okay. Maybe I think that she's probably playing with a little bit. I also think that she thinks that it's, he obviously cares about it a lot,

right? Being funny. If he listens to the podcast and stuff like that, and he's probably in a comedy. So. But the thing is also, maybe, maybe cause like sometimes

when I'm with my friends, they like say stupid jokes that like make everybody laugh. And like everyone laughs at them. And like maybe she's just like getting used to like being around him and like as her like go to, she's like,

Oh my God, stop it. You're not being funny. Yeah. I think that's happened to me before. Just nervous. Like Ben. So how much nicer could it be if she just didn't say anything?

Like if she, why would she call him out on it over and over again? Especially if he knows it hurts his feelings. Well, she doesn't know that it hurts his feelings. I don't think she knows that. Oh yeah. So there's a middle ground

before breaking up with someone. You just say, hey, when you tell me I'm not funny, it makes me sad. Yeah. Maybe she thinks it's like a joke to her. Maybe she thinks like, oh, he thinks it's funny

when I say he's not funny. So part one is she does something that makes him sad. And then part two is he says, this makes me sad. And part three is if she changes, then that's good and their relationship can move forward.

But if she doesn't, if she still hurts his feelings, then he should break up with her. Right. I think it's an egg. If I were you, I would keep going. Ben,

would you date someone who didn't find you funny? Um, I would date someone as long as I get what is funny. I don't care if they think that I'm great or anything, but if they get like,

if they understand that the rest of development is funny or Larry Sander show is funny or like the UK office is funny, then it's fine. It's like, if we can watch it. What does that hurt

your feelings even more than if like all of the formative comedy that you loved, she thought was amazing, but she thought you were bad. So you knew that she had like, I mean, I can't imagine I would date someone

that if they hated me, like if they're like, oh, you're, I mean, yeah, if they thought you were funny, you're the greatest thing. I don't need them to think I'm like the best. I just, uh,

but like to what do you mean? Like they come, this woman comes home and is like, you're terrible. You're terrible in a comedy. None of the jokes you say are good. That would be a blow, I think.

To hear that every day would be very negative. So what would you do? I'd probably marry her. See, it's working. It's an egg. The egg works. This girl,

I'm super in there. I'm super in there. The egg works. I'm telling you. I feel like the egg works maybe at the beginning, but then if you don't open up and show who you really are,

I would, I also hate games. That shit drives me crazy. Okay. You say you hate games, but a hundred percent, if you were in a relationship that didn't have games, you get bored as fuck

and move on. Games is what makes people spicy. That's too spicy. That's one of the t-shirts. Games is what makes people spicy. That's too spicy. That's one of the t-shirts. That's one of the t-shirts.

Games is what makes people spicy. Yay. I don't know how spicy I've kept it. I thought I was keeping it spicy, but I feel like the best relationships I've been in are the ones that we don't have any games. Yeah, but there's games in the beginning.

There's no way it can be a relationship without games. A 100 percent. I've never been in a relationship where there's not like a little bit of a game. Even if it's just mild spice. Yeah, even if it's peak content. Oh, really? Remember that spice girl, mild spice?

She was sort of average looking. She was a librarian. Forty spice? Yeah. Sure. That'll make sense. So, Jake, can you date someone

and find you funny? No. That's everything that I am. I would agree with that. That is everything that I am. She's a stupid idiot because I'm the funniest guy in the world. I'm Jake Hurwitz, dammit.

Where's Laura Hurwitz? My mom. Don't fucking talk about my mother. Hey, your mom and I emailed. Had an email chain last week. And I'm still not cool with that. I got her tickets to my show that was sold out,

and then she bailed on me. She had a long flight. Oh, that's the neg. That's the neg. That's your mom. Shit, my mom's keeping it spicy. Your mom is totally keeping it spicy. Alana,

could you date someone that didn't find you funny? Well, funny, I mean, I'm hilarious, so they would just not have humor. Yeah, it wouldn't exist. No, but I think you should just tell her,

like, do you actually want to find me funny or is this like a weird vibe that you're putting out? Wait, they didn't like your music. What if they heard your albums and I do not like this?

I mean, in the beginning, I'd be like, fine with it. I'd be like, whatever, like, everyone has taste, but yeah,

I would definitely fuck me up inside. And I don't think this is a relationship with last, but I think like, I don't think he should like abandon this chick just yet. I feel like they can maybe work it out a little bit.

I don't, I don't 100% agree that she's like, completely doesn't find him funny. There's no way. I think, as I said before, it's the neg.

That's another shame. Even is spicy. All right. Thanks, Ben. I hope this, I hope this really worked. Let's get dinner a little bit. Let's get dinner.

Wait, you guys aren't going to be done. I have a show 930. You're going to be done in the next little bit or no? Yeah, I'll be done in like 15, 20 minutes. Let's go to your show. Where are you?

You guys can come to my show. How far away are you in your new, which, which area of this city are you in? Hancock Park. Yeah. We're in the place that's close to you. I was going to say,

you're in a place that's far, that house looks way too nice for you to be living in. All right. Don't be fooled. It's not a nice house. Is that cool? What's that?

Can I say one more thing before I go? Yeah. Ben Schwartz, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks, Ben. We'll talk to you soon. Ben Schwartz. All right. Let's take a break.

And then we'll come right back. We'll try to answer one more question if that's okay with you. I'm super down. Tight. Jake, will you face it? Face what? There's not good ways to borrow money

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get a $50 Visa gift card in case you need a $35,000 and $50,000, which is a little bit more. Oh, a cherry on top of the Sunday there, huh? Exactly right. Very intriguing. Go to Prosper.com. If I were you.

That's Prosper.com. If I were you. Let's get back to the show. I'm excited about it. Very. That's a good one. All right. We're back.

Boop, boop. You're on air with Jake and me and Alana Hyman as a guest. Nice. You have a very soothing voice. You could do the intro every single time. Really?

Should I? I guess you already have a pretty good job of being in a famous band, but still. No. Yeah. If people don't know who you are, how can I describe who you are for everybody listening?

Because there's a lot of people listening that might not have heard of your band. Gosh, I don't know. You're asking me to describe myself? You're in a band? I am a young 23-year-old healthy woman. Yeah. I have long brown hair and blue eyes.

That's all true. Love to party. This is such a cool Tinder bio. You're on a limo date. If you're interested, add baby Hyam on Twitter, Instagram, on the tweets and the Instagrams.

I'm also in a band called Hyam. We play some six sweet tunes. Your band is kind of a big deal. Are we? Yes. Like you were on SNL, which is a big deal. We were on SNL,

which was a big D. You're opening up for Taylor Swift this summer, which is kind of huge. You're going to be playing in front of a football stadium filled with people. Three times in a row. Yeah. It's going to be pretty net so pants.

Nominated for a Grammy? Yep. This is all kind of big deal universe. You guys are making me feel super good. I'm like walk out of here. I'm feeling super confident. The opposite of a neg. Yeah.

This is so great. What are you guys working on now? We are working on our second record and we're going to go on tour with Taylor in like a month and a half. Tay-Tay? Tay-Tay. So all that you've worked on so far

has amassed a one album. Yes. Well, we've been a band for, we're almost at our eighth year anniversary. Whoa. And so we've been a band for eight years, but we released our record in 2013. Okay.

And so now we've got to release another one, do it all again. You only have one record? Yup. That's crazy. Yeah. As someone who's not super in tune in music, I don't know when records come out.

I just hear songs on the radio. I hear Taylor Swift songs now and Taylor Swift songs two years ago, and I don't like say, oh, that one's from that record, this one's from this record. Right. But that is how musicians

delineate their chapters in their life. That's how the people in the music industry, like me, So you can't go on tour until you make another record and then you perform those songs. Right. I mean, you can go on tour whenever you want, but it's better if you have something to promote.

You have new material. Right. And then you have new songs. What is your next album coming out? We don't know. We're just in the writing stages right now, so it's kind of like it's all happening. We want to put out a really good second record.

Why? It doesn't matter. I mean, this video is cool. You know, I was a big fan of your first record before I even knew you. Really? Yeah. Jake.

Jake, like The Wire. Really? Yeah. Do you like Prana God? I think my favorite song when I first found you guys was Fall? No, Don't Save Me, maybe.

Don't Save Me is a fan favorite. I just heard Don't Save Me at CPK the other day. Was it Fall or was it Don't Save Me? Yeah, that's Don't Save Me. Yeah, yeah. That's awesome. I love CPK.

It's like a dream come true. Was it in the valley? Yeah, you know it. No. Wait, wait, wait. How does Falling go? And now I'm falling into the fire. What does the verse sound like?

Give a little into the fire. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like Falling God, too. That's a good one. And now Do The Wire. Well, shpadoop. Yeah. Dear Nero.

Dear Nero. Oh my God. Ew. You're such a fangirl. You know all my guitar lines. Do you want to, is your audition to be this gig? Do you need a little dootie-toose, guys? Yeah.

I think we were really looking for a Scat Man for times that. Scatman? But that's rad. Thanks for listening to my tunes, y'all. Catchy tunes. Thank you. And the one on the radio right now. Pray to God with Calvin Harris.

No big deal. NBD, I love Calvin. He's just a tall good looking dude, I guess. He is a tall good looking dude. Well, but that's like, being tall and hot only gets you so far. Yeah. I mean, he's like nothing except for being like,

yeah, but then he's like, all he is is tall, hot, talented, and he's rich. Yeah, but is he smart? I know, right? Oh, he's a genius. So he's a smart, rich genius that's talented and hot. But what is he beyond that? Does he do anything charitable?

Yeah, like does he give- Oh yeah, he does that all the time. He's just all about- Rich, tall, humanitarian, that's charitable and smart. He's pretty much the perfect man. Okay, fine. You're making us feel like shit. Does he have a podcast?

He does. He does not have a podcast. Which makes him even better than us. Does he stay- Does he have the master bedroom? Oh yeah, does he stay in the master? He does have a master bedroom. Does he sleep in it though?

Yes. He does too. Does he have to share it with his roommate? No, actually. How many roommates does he have? Yeah. Like I split a three bedroom apartment. How many rooms, how many bedrooms is his apartment?

I actually have zero idea, but I'm gonna be completely honest. I think he might be better than you, Jake. Better than me in what regard? Cause I'm worried that you'll say something like he's- Like don't say in general. Of course, I am with you in terms of he's a better musician. 100% agree.

Pound it out. Pound it. He's a better musician than me, but who's- But keep in mind that I have never even- What kind of music does he do? He does. He's like a DJ producer. I've never even tried to be a DJ.

So we don't know 100% for sure if he's better than me at that. Because I might give it a shot and I could be a prodigy. I mean, we should try it out later. And who's taller? He is like six foot five. And I'm six feet, I'm like six feet, but I've never stood back to back to him. So we're not exactly sure.

Right, he's like a basketball player. And I hate to bring it to you guys, but he's actually hilarious. How big is his dick though? I would not know that information. That's awesome. Thank you so much for coming on our show. All right.

You guys are really trying to get some views on this podcast. Like a lot of hymns. Yeah, thoughts on Calvin Harris. Jake and I are going to Australia. We're doing live shows there. You love Australia. I love Australia. So let me tell you where we're going.

OK, tell me. We have tickets still available for Brisbane and Sydney, Adelaide and Perth. And our Melbourne, Melbourne show is sold out. Woo, I love Melbourne. I love all those cities. I did a festival called Laneway Festival. I also did Splendor in the Grass in Sydney.

And Australia is always fun. Everyone loves to party. Everyone's happy. They're all beautiful and tan and lovely. It's all good. So hopefully we get to see a lot of those people if they come to our show. The lovely tan ones are the ones that I'm interested in.

As long as they're lovely. And you're going, wait, when? That's a great question. June 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th, and 14th. So is it winter there? It's like the end of fall. Fall, fall. Yeah, there you go.

You're going to have so much fun. So jelly beans. Well, so much love for Australia. Great. Well, thanks for giving the heads up. And we doubly appreciate you going on Australian radio shows with us to promote the tour. Oh, yeah, I know.

It's going to be super fun that we're going together. You said your band is more popular in Australia than it is in America? I don't know if it is for sure, but I'll never forget. We play like a festival. We haven't even released a record yet. And we brought our parents on tour with us to Australia because they had never been and we played Splendor in the Grass.

And we walked out in the crowd. I've never seen a crowd go crazier. Like they're like, I thought that Justin Bieber was like behind me. But I literally like stopped and like looked behind me to see like what celebrities behind me that everyone's freaking out about. And the fact that they were going crazy for our band, like my mom started hysterically crying. And it was like the first time that my parents were like,

you're actually doing something like they didn't really think that we were successful before that moment. And then that happened and it was rad. I can't I can't wait for that to happen to us. I want to make my mom cry. You do make her cry a lot. But for a good reason. Oh, yeah, I guess that's the difference.

Anything else? Oh, we have a show in L.A. on Friday. You do. Yeah, May 8th, Friday, May 8th. Where? At the Hollywood Improv. There might still be tickets available to that. Can I get a ticket? We'll put you on the list. Yeah, for sure.

We'll give you half off tickets. That's awesome. Yeah. Actually, could you bring Calvin? I'd love for him to open. Is that a dumbass request? Of course. I want to. Well, I just want to compare us to each other.

Right. How many push-ups can he do? You want to see how great I mean, I mean, but is he in good shape? Have you seen the Armani ads? No, but I've seen this one. I don't even like he's in an Armani ad. And like, I've never even been approached by Giorgio. Giorgio.

Giorgio Armani, motherfucker. I know that's his first name. Yeah, but I'm saying it's not fair. You can't compare me and Calvin Harris because he's been in Giorgio Armani ads and I haven't. Right, I know. So what do you compare? I'm just saying that there's a reason why he's in Giorgio Armani ads.

I don't follow. All right, we are already long, but we want to answer one more question. Yeah, let's do a rapid fire. We only have a long one for so long. So let's get to the one last question real quick. You don't have to go anywhere, do you? No.

Just a dinner with Ben. Ben and Calvin. Just a date with Ben. Calvin and Hobbes. What? We were planning on coming. No. We could sit at a different table.

All right, dear. Oh, what's this guy's name? Uh, let's give him the name Shmuelo. Oh, that's almost my middle name. Do you know what Mir's middle name? No. It's Shmuel. Oh, Shmuel.

That's the correct spot. We call him Shmuelo around here. Shmuelo? Yeah. There's actually, there are three different bedrooms here. There's the master bedroom and then there's Shmuelo's room. And then the third is a guest bedroom. Shmuelo's room sounds like an episode, like a TV show

from like Nick and I. Yeah. It's a ride. It's also a ride at Universal Studios. Shmuelo's room. Check out Shmuelo's room, Halloween Horror Nights. All right, dear guys, I'm emailing you because I have commitment issues.

I've been with my current girlfriend for six years and it seems to be going well. The only thing is I plan to start a family and I feel like I'm just wasting everyone's time at this point. She has a lot of arm hair, a mustache, a kind of misshapen ass. Plus, she can barely has a, she,

ah, plus she barely has a grasp on the English language. I would have ended it sooner, but she kept sleeping with me, the Coy Diva. And it's hard to stop it when you can get it for nothing. Am I right, Jake? Ha. She's not the kind of girl I want as my wife or the mother of my children, but my dick

has a stranglehold on my brain. Should I try to change her or break it off? Love, Shmuelo, what did you call him? Shmuel. We can say Shmuel. Shmuelo. All right, Shmuelo. This guy's talking so casually about a girl

that he's been with for six years. I've got commitment issues. Wait, he's been with her for six years, I didn't catch that. Six years? Yeah. And he also says that he has commitment issues. Yeah.

That's the opposite. I guess that is an issue with commitment, like you've overcommitted to somebody that you don't like. Why is he only shouting you out with the? Because I'm sort of an asshole womanizer piece of shit. Garbage man. Oh, are you? Yeah.

I didn't catch that vibe for you when I walked in. Really? How about now? I don't know, maybe. The tide is turning. Don't you guys get this feeling from people or this general trend is your first relationship lasts way, way, way, way, way too long?

And then your next one is like, oh, I pretty much know right off the bat. Oh, yeah. Well, that's what dating, not entirely what dating is, but a big part of it is learning your preferences and what kind of things you can compromise on. Yeah, this guy seems to have hashtag first girlfriend problems, which is a girl that fucked him.

She was so, sorry, shoved him. Shed up. He was so happy about it. And now six years later, he's like, man, I don't like this person. I take issue with him appealing to my sense of thinking with your dick, because for six years, that's not sexy that you're getting laid at that point.

There's nothing like, oh, man, my dick's the boss of me. No, that's not true. This is one level above being a virgin, is having the same girlfriend for six years. I keep getting it for free. You get it for free everywhere. It's always free. Yeah, I mean, I guess not always,

but it definitely should be. I am a firm believer that if you're not happy, you should just move on. That is a good general piece of advice for anything. If you're no longer happy, but what about if you've invested so much time in someone, you're no longer happy, but maybe working on it will make me happy in the long run.

The thing is, if after six years, and you're not, I mean, he's like really calling her out in this email with the arm hair. Yeah, of this shape and ass, I think, is an unforgivable offense on her part. You're such an asshole. I think that the dick moved to call her out on her physical features.

Honestly, the thing that I worry about is if you're unhappy with someone, usually that leads to cheating and lying and all that stuff. I feel like there's a point in time where you just kind of have to, if you're not happy, life is too short and you've got to just kind of move on. There you have it.

Jake, what's your bit of advice? I'll steal that. You're not happy? Life's, what did you say? Life's too short. Sorry, I'm high. What's the shirt? Yeah, I will-

Give it spicy. Give it spicy. I feel like if he's not, he's mentioned that he's not attracted to three parts of her physically. And also that she doesn't speak English. So I wonder what's good aside from the fact that she lets him put his penis in her.

And if she knew what he said and thought about her, she wouldn't let him put his penis in her. All right, so- I say this chick should break up with him. Yeah. You don't have the girlfriend you deserve. Yeah, break up with Shmuelmuel. All right, so break it off.

Set the girl off. Our advice is to play this part of the podcast for your girlfriend so she sees what kind of an asshole you are. Straight up. Would you say break it off like that Taylor Swift song? You mean shake it off? Oh no.

Wow. Break it off. That's a different song. Yup. I say break it off. All right, cool. And shake it off. In that order.

Yeah. Alana, do you have anything to promote? You are broadcasting to what could be a hundred thousand very impressionable tweenagers. Or it could be four. Yeah. We don't know. Or it could be your parents.

We're actually not recording. Your mic is not plugged in. Interesting. What to promote? I want to promote Love and... Oh, that's beautiful. Your new album, Love. Yeah.

This is the nicest thing anybody's ever promoted on the podcast. I want to promote the peace actually. And my Twitter account. Love, peace and at Babyheim. At Babyheim on all forms of social media. No, I'm a big Jake and Amir fan. I'm happy to be here.

Oh gosh. Also, did JJ Redick ever tweet back at you? JJ Redick never tweeted me back and I'm really bummed about it. I have a feeling that if the Clippers win the next game, I'm going to tweet at JJ again and maybe he'll shine some light on my vibe. I think that's a good thing to look for.

Maybe we can ask people to retweet you. That way it's less easy to do. Yeah, anyone listening to this podcast, everyone tweet at JJ Redick saying please. I think it's at JJ Redick. I think that's it. Do at JJ Redick comma at Babyheim loves you. Let's be friends.

That's not too much to ask. So little to ask. I don't think it's too much to ask that our friends should be friends with JJ Redick. Yeah. I'm just trying to get some floor seats at Clippers games. It's not that big of a deal. All right, thanks, Alana, for coming on the show.

Thanks for having me. Thanks to you guys for listening. If you have your own questions, go to email. If I were you, show at gmail.com. We also open and close every episode with an original theme song. The opening one was by Sam G. And this last one is by Daryl Thomas.

So thanks, Sam G. Thanks, Daryl Thomas. Thanks, Alana. Thank you. Appreciate it. You should come back. You were good. I will come back.

Yeah, okay, cool. Maybe bring your sisters. I will. All right, cool. Thank you. No, let's do it. Calvin is a bit, all right, we'll talk about it after the show.

Thanks so much. Bye. Bragging much, dude. It's the bragging dragon. He spit fire and self-aggrandizing, the bragging dragon. I should call you Brandon. Yo. Brandon.

Brandon. As a bragging dragon. Like a marketing boy. Not from a guy, from a guy. No, no. Brandon, you as a bragging dragon. Go chop money in. Brandon, you as a bragging dragon.

Go chop money in. All right. Let's get started. Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.