If I Were You - 153: Mint (live at the Improv!)

Episode Date: May 11, 2015

In this episode we discuss cool kids, calling cards, and guns. Recorded live at the Improv in Hollywood, CA!This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com and Squarespace.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Put it together for Jacob and me! All right. Get up, eat the tass. Can't get close, no, no, no. Hey, everybody. All right. Which one am I? Go off. Say it.

I can take it as long as it's not the second one. You want to be the ampersand. I want to be the ampersand. I deserve it. Guys, welcome for... Guys, hey, I'm going to go back out. We'll edit that part out. Thank you so much for coming.

Let's give it up for you guys. Yeah. And let's give it up for us. Drake and a queer. Namaste. Namaste and Todah, brother. Why was this a good idea for you? Sorry, who did it?

For those of you listening at home, I saw a poster. I took it on stage. I read it. I flipped it around in large letters. It reads, Drake and a queer. Why was this good to you? Did you go out and buy poster boards specifically for this?

Of course. Of course he bought poster boards. Did you buy poster board just to make fun of my friend? Well, we don't know which one's which. So tread lightly. Why don't we ask the artist himself? It was funny at the time. I think it's funny now.

The time is now, evidently, you're like, okay, so I want to know the origin story. You said, or was it like you were falling asleep one night and you're like, I got it. I know it. I've got a rhyme. I have an idea of me. And it's to write Drake and a queer on a poster

and bring it to the show. When you walked in, did you have this on you? And did they say, what does it say? No. They were just like, poster's fine. Get on in here. Yeah? Yeah, they get it.

I feel like the more you hate this, the more it's going to show up. What do you mean? You should just forget that it ever happened. I am forgotten about it. I just can't stop remembering. We'll put it face down. It's still present. Face down still like you're putting it on the stage.

There's only three things on stage. Your beard is absolutely incredible. Oh, my God. Is that a year? It's more than a year? Is it a decade? Close to a decade? Jesus, even the mustache part?

Really? God, want to move in with us? Sick, dude. We have a beard with us. No touching it in a year? Over a year. Not even to wash it? Definitely to wash it.

Definitely to wash it. Of course, to wash it. Yeah. You know. We'll come back to you. How's everybody else doing? All right. Okay, back to you.

I do have a lot of more questions. Oh, really? Yeah, go on. Decision to make it. Was it like I'm going to shave and then not touch it for seven years? This is the same questions we had for the artist. We want to get in your head. Three decisions.

You woke up and you said a year of a beard. Yeah, well, more than that. Right, a decade. I had shaved my head. You had shaved your head. And your face. You were a bear. A blank canvas.

I don't know if anybody cannot see this gentleman, but he has what would possibly... It's a foot, right? It's a foot-long mirror. You can stand up and show the audience. Yes. That's correct. Wow. Bow in reverence to the beard.

To the decayed. For he is bearded. And you are not. Can I touch it? I hate that. It's real. This hand is anointed. It's also wet for some reason.

To be fair, it was wet before I touched it. And it's drier now. Which makes sense. Gracias. It is a dry, dry beard. Should we sit down? I'm ready. Guys, thanks so much for coming out.

This is our fourth live podcast here. Fifth live podcast. Maybe. Who here has been to a live podcast before? Solid. Who here has not ever been to a live podcast? Even solider. Who here doesn't even know who the fuck we are?

This girl says the guy who's more drunk than she is. She's about to have such a bad night. This is all inside jokes. Watch this. Seize the cheese. Right over. To be honest, it's a little bit over my head too. Sure, yeah, yeah.

Whoa. Let's slow down a little bit partner. It's a long night. And it's only 8.20pm. Is it what time is it? Can we get a time check? 8.22. Actually, same thing. 8.22.

Amazing, right? So how it works is we get questions from people who are in sticky situation, difficult places in their lives, and they're seeking our advice for some odd reason. Jake and I do our best to offer it. Sometimes it's just us. Hanging out.

Jake's possibly shirtless, definitely touching himself. I often do that. With this hand, Mr. Beard Man. All right. How, you can hire someone. To you, my roommate. You can have a right hand man who will take care of that

for you. Cheers and toadah to you. If anybody else is drinking out there, please. Raise him up. Toadah? Raise him up. Yeah. That poster is accurate. I am like Drake. So we,

is there anything I haven't mentioned yet? I wasn't listening to you talking at all. You actually just woke up 30 seconds ago. Oh, shit. There's a lot of people here. Uh, yeah, we... Oh, you said I touch myself. Yes. You're a squeezer, I would say. Uh, yeah.

Is it like that's the closest you can get away with masturbating in front of people? Wow, interesting. I don't feel like it's erotic when I touch myself. It's just that's where it's like you can't control it. I think my penis is where my power comes from. So I'm often just sort of

like a genie lamp. Yeah. Except that's not a genie coming out. Is it not? Although I thought I did hear Robin Williams in a sock you threw away in the hamper earlier today. Oh, Jesus. Rami got it.

All right, Pete. So should we get started? Should we start answering some questions? We do have a lot of people we need to help out today. Yeah. Are you guys ready to start answering some questions? All right. Let's do it. So, in my phone

is a note file with real questions from real people. We're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. If you guys can help us out by shouting out fake names... Going for it! Going for it! Wait, wait, wait, wait, everybody be totally silent. They're on to you.

Vladi? What did you say? H-A-D-I. H-A-D-I? Is that your name? Got it. He's such a big fan that he didn't come. Wow.

Wow. I don't want to put him on a black... He's actually in a hospital in San Francisco. He's actually at a funeral, so... He's actually at a funeral! But is it in San Francisco? God, you asshole. Who died though?

No, no, don't answer that. Don't answer that. You can never ask a follow-up question to he's at a funeral. All right, but were they close? Did she raise him? Fuck me! But had she been sick for a while?

Nope, sudden. Damn it. But the last thing he said to her was probably nice and positive. Please. What the fuck? He said that to her before she died. Weird, right?

I didn't mishear you, that's what he said. All right, so this is coming from Hadi, straight from his funeral in San Francisco. Hadi writes, Hadi with a built-in body. I've backed myself into somewhat of a corner. When I have a one-night stand,

I usually try to wake up and sneak out unnoticed while I'm at the girl's place. If it goes according to planned... If it goes according to plan and it's some random girl, my calling card is making a huge mess in her kitchen and bouncing. This particular time,

I cut a slit in a bag of flour and threw it in the air, getting it just everywhere. Then I left. Cut to one night later. My house gets egged. Then again the next night. It's happened five nights in a row.

And I know it's this girl getting revenge. And my girlfriend wants to call the police. I need some advice to get this femme fatale to stop egging my fucking house like a child. Love Hadi. Let's give it up for Hadi. Hadi! What are your thoughts on his calling card?

Yeah, interesting that he has a calling card. It's amazing. Is that different than a business card? Or is that what a business card used to be called? Well, it's sort of similar because you want to be remembered when you had somebody your business card. So he wants to be remembered as the guy who destroyed a kitchen.

Of course. So he'll slit a bag of flour and just sort of throw it around the wheel. I was trying to think of a name for him and I couldn't do it. The kitchen culprit is a bad example of that. With two Ks. I also had Pussy Pantry, but then I couldn't think of another P word. Why does there have to be three though?

Pussy is what he got. Pantry is where he was. What kind of guy is he that he did it that starts with a P? Pansy! He's kind of cool. What did you say? Pussy? Oh, he's sort of a Pussy, but he's also kind of like an anti-hero.

Prick! Prick is good. Pussy Pantry Prick? Pussy Pantry Prick. Pantry Pantry Prick. Pilfer is good. I heard Pilfer. Come on, no idea is bad. No idea is bad

except for his when he destroyed somebody's kitchen. Phantom! But it sort of has to alliterate. Phantom, sure, yeah, it actually starts with a P. Hey, it's 10.15. We really have to go. Not yet, man. We're gonna fucking get it. You have a whiteboard. 300 cross-outwards.

Right on the back of the Drake in a Queer. Prankster! We are all of you, you glorious human being. Did you say prankster? Whoa, she also has a huge beard. Wow! Everybody here that's wise has one. You retroactively called him wise.

You are a sage gentleman. To be sure. Wait, so where were we? He cheated on his girlfriend and destroyed somebody's kitchen and he wants to know how to get somebody to stop egging his house. How would you get someone to stop egging your house? Keep in mind, he's already damaged her kitchen

so he can't go back in time and do that. What do eggs and flour make? Pancakes! You have to pancake her! Oh my God! You have to. You have to pancake her! Oh my God!

It's the only way. What does that mean though? To be pancake? Yeah. I can't believe he's like, his girlfriend wants to call the police and he's like, no, no, it's probably nothing. Let's give it five more days.

Because on the bright side, free eggs. That is true. Using a spatula, getting it right into a pan. To make pancakes. He's an optimist of himself. So, what do you suggest he does to stop this woman

who he calls a femme fatale from childishly egging his house after he left her kitchen just covered in flour? Which is the hardest thing to clean, I would guess. Maybe quinoa, a bag of quinoa seems difficult. I think flour is harder. I don't know, have you ever had a bag of dry quinoa?

When you get flour wet, it just gets kind of sticky, right? That's true, but quinoa is very small. I can't stress how little it is. I feel like everybody here has seen quinoa, so you don't have to... I just don't know. I fear you guys are thinking of cooked quinoa. And I'm referring to the dry,

even smaller quinoa. Would you say I think he's got to live this life that he has? He lives the life he deserves. That's true. Stressed. He's...

Yeah, so he has to just accept that his house is going to get eggs for a little while. And what joy does he get out of destroying kitchens? Because maybe he needs to explore that and change. Maybe he could think of a new calling card.

Like being really, really nice to someone. Yeah, cleaning someone's kitchen. Or my calling card would be not cheating on my girlfriend. Oh, that's a great trademark. That's kind of like a thing that I'm known for. Yeah. Or just destroy your own kitchen. That'll write the universe.

And she'll stop egging your house. Yeah, you do that to your own kitchen. Flower. And you say, I thought I was being nice. I like flower because it's soft. And I wanted you to walk into the kitchen and not have your feet hurt.

Why are you giggling? This is perfect. Do your feet hurt or not, woman? I don't know. This guy sucks. Yeah. You have to basically decide what's worse. The eggs are the convincing. No.

What is it called when you confess? The confession. What is it called when you found the word and then asked what it was? I feel stressed. All right. That's it. We don't have anything else to say to this guy. He's a meanie. Live with your life.

That's probably the least amount of your concerns. Right. Yeah. You deserve to be thrown in jail. Have you ever egged a house? Have I ever egged a house? No. That took way too long. I really didn't. It's really mean to egg a house. It's hard to clean off.

Is it? I think. Okay. It ruins the paint, right, hottie? Once again, hottie is at a funeral. Right. This is her friend who all the people she knows is alive. We are so sorry for your loss. All right. Let's read help out another person.

We need another guy's name. I can't hear anything. What did you say? You, sir. Yeah, but the plaid. You have your hands cupped over your mouth. You were yelling. Hampton.

Hampton? I think he's saying Hampton. Hampton or Campton? You were screaming at the top of your lungs and now you don't want to tell me. What is it? Hampton? No. Get out. I'm just kidding. Hampton's perfect.

It's Hampton. It's like you telling me what my child will be named. Hampton's perfect. It's Hampton. Why did you ask a random person? I don't know. All right. Yeah, Hampton. Hampton writes. Hampton writes. For the past month, I've been talking to this girl pretty heavily.

We've met once in person, but we text every day and we FaceTime each other all the time. I'm in love with her. No, you're not. Go on. And she feels the same way about me, but we're not exactly dating yet. The problem is she doesn't really open up to me like ever

and she gets mad over little things. We have useless arguments with each other over the stupidest shit and we'll ignore each other for a little bit. The relationship is ultimately destructive, but we... Maybe he is in love. The relationship is ultimately destructive,

but we love each other and we keep it going. Recently, though, I started talking to this other girl I met on Instagram and we started talking when I tweeted a song lyric of an artist we both like and she favorited it. Then we went from there.

We started talking and she is amazing. She's basically everything that my girl now isn't. We listen to the same music, watch the same shows like The Office and I think we're a perfect match for each other. The other problem is she's moving away in August to California

and I live in New Jersey. So I'll barely ever... That's her. So I'll barely ever get to see her. I'm not sure if I should end things with my girl now or go for the girl I just started talking to. Who could possibly be the one?

Or should I just stay with my current girl? Again, I will barely get to see her, but I'm way better off with her than with who I am right now. Help me navigate out of this Bermuda love triangle. Thanks, love Hampton. Alright.

One more time for Hampton. Give it up. This is a sticky love triangle. Indeed. It's not necessarily a triangle. It's more like a parenthesis. There's three nodes, but the last one doesn't connect.

What is the one that's a parenthesis that's a carrot? I just fell asleep for a second. Follow me here. Is it a carrot? What is it called when a parenthesis has a sharp angle at the tip of it? A bracket? No, that's a rectangular parenthesis.

Is it like a greater than or a less than? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's in a greater than. Although it sounds like he's in a less than. And what he should do is... Yeah. And what he should do is make it a less than one or two.

Yeah, which is when you stand next to another couple that doesn't know you. I'm surprised that many people were able to visualize that. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. So he is in love with this girl who makes him miserable to start.

That he's met once. That he's met one time. And that's good to him. That's clever for himself. It's a win. That's a positive in his life. That's a plus. They don't get along. They're mad at each other. It's ultimately destructive, but he's seen her one time.

But when you're in love, you know. And when you know, you know. Well, the other thing is that he met somebody on Instagram through tweeting at them. Yeah, what's up with that, Hampton? It sounds like he doesn't... He wants to know what love is. He wants somebody to show him.

Yeah. He wants to know what love is. I wish I knew the rest of that song. So do I, but if you listen to that, it's Bill Collins, right? Of course it's not Bill Collins. I was kidding. Whitney Houston?

Of course it's not Whitney Houston. He was kidding. I want to know what love is. It's definitely a woman. I want you to show me. Foreigner. Foreigner? No, he's definitely American. Maybe it was Bill Collins.

I'm kidding. I don't even know what to tell this guy, though. He... How do you meet someone on Instagram? Because I have an Instagram, and I've never met someone on Instagram. I could meet someone on Instagram. Nice, dude. I did lick your hand.

Tapkin? Ta-da. Uh, I guess you can meet someone on anything. Can you meet someone on Yelp? You fucked your Uber driver. On the way here. On the way over here, I blew the Uber driver. You got Road Dome from him.

As he was driving. That's right. Yeah, and worst part is I gave him three stars. Wow. Yeah. Three stars is definitely the least given rating, right? Three stars?

Yeah, it's either great or bad, but how often are you like, you know what, that was pretty alright. Yeah, it's great A average. Yeah, I'll give him a C. Period. C period. C period, run.

Run, period. Run. Holy shit. A, B, C. D, E, F, and G. It's the alphabet. Don't get wet. Please stay dry as I

recite all the letters to your eyes. It's taken up where? I want people who missed that part in the beginning to be like, holy shit, why was that a thing? When did Jake make that? I did it.

What a mean thing. So malicious. Just lying on the floor in my room at home coloring it in. Did one person color it all in? You had to have bought a marker. You had to have bought a poster. They could have had a sharpie.

Did you all have a sharpie? You bought everything. There was a tag on the, I don't know how much they paid for that poster. Can you see that? It's actually pretty worth it. It's a real good price. I don't begrudge the price.

So this guy's not actually in love with anybody, right? Because he says, I'm in love with this girl so I can't break up with her. But this other girl might be the one. So if you think somebody else is the one, then you're not in love with the first girl. And also if you think that somebody is the one that you just found, then she's not the one.

So you're not in love with anybody. Cheers! Holy shit. That was absurd. What was that? The end? Yeah, I didn't breathe, but let's go. Onto the next. One more time for Hampton.

We need a what? Chill, dude. What do you got? Somewhere to go? We need a what? Hat. Show some respect. Oh my god, you're bald. Respect the master. Kiss my ring, bitch.

That's your pinky, asshole. The master has a request. Kiss the master's ring. His ring finger or the ring on your pinky? Which, by the way, is pretty weird that you have one. I deserved to be kissed. I had to do it myself. Didn't do it. Didn't do it. Alright.

The master. I am the master. Alright, we need a guy's name. Mose! Mose! Mose! Mose! Mose!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait. Enough. Hey, you have your hand up. That's nice and polite. What is it? What do you say? What? Benda. Is that somebody's name that you know?

It's a friend's name. Really? Also had a funeral. Same dude. Hottie's friend. Benda and Hottie both had someone die in their life. He's in Kansas City. He's in Kansas City? That's like just as depressing as being in a funeral. I'd rather go to a funeral.

Guys, if you're listening at home from Kansas City, obviously I'm joking. We've got a show in Kansas City tomorrow. Not anymore. We'll be making fun of Los Angeles. Benda writes, I'm a senior in high school and a few months I will be going to college straight up.

I absolutely loathe the taste of mint. Everyone shut the fuck up. This is important. Not sure why. Maybe it's because I don't have a sense of smell, but if something even kind of minty happens, it burns my mouth

and makes me gag and want to puke. The toothpaste I currently use is a very mild mint. Wait, wait, wait. People were fucking laughing. Shut up. What kind of toothpaste does he currently use? A very mild mint. Okay.

And it's only found at his local dentist's office which he won't have access to when he leaves for home. When he leaves home. I looked around for other mild mint toothpaste, but none of them suit my toothbrushing needs. Is it bitchly of me to use a children's toothpaste?

There are no adult buried toothpaste. It's either harsh mint or some kind of lime shit. I don't want to get put on blast in college for having Buzz Lightyear on my toothpaste bottle. But I don't want it to have to

mentally pump myself up every time I need to brush my teeth either. You can see the predicament I'm in. Please help. Yours truly. Benda. Props to you for remembering everybody's name all the time. That was the first time you've ever complimented me.

That's correct. That's also the first time you've ever thanked me. Thank you very much. Kiss the ring, man. Kiss the ring. Of the master. It should be an honor for you. Tell you what. I'll put my finger right here. He did not kiss it. Don't cheer.

Tell you what. I'll put it right here. Jesus. That was a kiss. That was the first time you ever kissed me, man. Actually, that's not true. Sorry. Now, we have kissed on the lips more than once.

All right. Yeah. It was for a video. A gay video, porn video that we shot. That was never released. You had something to say about this question because I am the same way.

Amir doesn't like the taste of mint. He's never had a tic-tac. He rarely chews gum. I never chew gum. You've never chewed gum. Have you ever chewed gum? I've never chewed gum. He's never chewed gum.

Yeah. For whatever reason, we're so obsessed with mint as the most refreshing thing. You actually can't find like he's... This is coming from me. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't find a non-mint toothpaste.

As a society, we stress flavors and options and everything. Serials are this. There's nine types of Cheerios. This is Amir's very poorly attended one-man show. So, I mean, go ahead. Personally, I think you could order non-mint toothpaste on Amazon.

It is all children's. I know this because I went home the other day. My nieces were there. It was a strawberry Colgate, and it was incredible. It tasted like I was brushing my teeth with fruit punch. That's what I want always.

Always. Unfortunately, the packaging is pink. There's a giant animatronic strawberry on it. It says, good for kids foreign up. It says you can swallow it. Which I would because it tastes so good. Does that clean your teeth the same way? It doesn't.

Because they have... I feel like you make toothpaste for children and they have baby teeth that are going to fall out anyway. So, borderline doesn't matter. Yeah, they're like rubbing their gums, swallowing the shit. It is borderline cool. I heard from a dentist one time that...

I heard from a dentist one time. Don't make fun of me, man. Wait until he tells you twice before bringing it to the group. I was so uninterested in this question that I want to solve it. This dentist told me that it really doesn't matter that much about the toothpaste.

It's more about the brushing and the bristles. You can brush your teeth with water and that's, you know, not great, but it's definitely fine. Teeth falling out? I swear. It's totally good. So what would you do if you were him real quick?

Geez Louise, man. I think I would go on Amazon and just get... Child's toothpaste over... Like the baking soda that doesn't taste like anything. You brush your teeth with baking soda, right? He's got baking soda. That's what that song's about. You think it's about toothpaste?

Yeah. And when he says he's in love with the cocoa... He's talking about the Colgate. Colgate. That was good. That deserved the laugh that my other thing got. If we can transfer the laughter... We can in post.

We can... I would... I would and I have just suck it up and get used to the mint. You do get used to the mint. Yeah, you use my toothpaste now. That's enough. I did say everything I wanted to, so... Sure.

Let me cut you off right there. I was finished. Cease. Done. Enough. Absolutely. It's over. Let's get it up.

Yeah! I feel like I haven't turned over this. Have you looked at all these guys? I've only looked over here. As far as I'm concerned, nobody's here. This guy is the most handsome dude I've ever seen. You look like a model and a lumberjack. The best two things you can be.

The model-lumberjack. Are you related to YouTube? Your brothers? No. Congrats. But not the older. Oh, there's an older, hotter brother. Three brothers?

Each one hotter than the last. What's the oldest, hottest brother's name? Steven. Oh, that's such a cool, hot, old name. But what's your name? Greg? Greg is also cool and hot. Whoa, it's Steven, Greg, and...

Kremlin. Oh, my God! Kremlin. I'm sorry, you said it was what? Spencer. Do you? Sweet, man. It must suck.

I mean, I guess you would know to have a younger, hotter brother. Yeah, my brother's better looking than I am physically, but I'm taller. But, like, you're taller, right? And, like, your face is better. No offense. Of course offense taken. I'm saying...

No offense. It's all offense. All of that was offense. No, it's a compliment to Steven, who's an angel. And I'm not trying to offend Spencer, who's a troll. You are. You've called him... First of all, I take offense to your fence and offense to your troll.

Sorry, regardless, let's forget about Spencer the way every woman in the world should. And we'll only talk about Steven, who is... Who is... He's a runway model meets a bridge worker or something. Wow.

Yeah, you look sensitive and strong. Like, you could kill someone if you had to, but you wouldn't want to. It's the last thing you'd want to do. That's part of a Spencer thing to do. Spencer, haven't you accidentally killed a few people? This is Mufasa and Scar. Scar.

All right, let's move on. But we're going to hang out after the show. I'm so sorry. You're all so hot. You don't get to do that. I'm sorry, you're all so hot anyway. No, you're cute. You're cute. You're cute.

Even though... Should we take our break now? It is sort of a halfway point. Let's relax a little bit. What should we talk about? I hate to keep... During our breaks, Jake usually talks about his virginity story,

which is somewhat of... somewhat of an urban legend, an old, or I should say new wives tale, because it happened not too long ago, but... You guys are great, by the way. Thank you. Yeah, wow. This is the best crowd we've ever had at the Hollywood Imp. Yeah.

Yeah. I have not said that to every single crowd. You have, but every time you've meant it. It's true. Hey, have you been to the show before, Steph? Are you talking to Steven Spencer? I'm calling him Steph now, because we're sort of close. Do you spell it S-T-E-P-H-E-N?

Oh, my God, he spells it the cool way. With that V? As in I'd like to lose my V? To V? Can't you see? Oh. Shit, do I know how to sing? You actually don't.

Okay. I have perfect pitch. Call out a note. C. C. Can I find it? No. Call out another one. Wait, we don't even know if you're getting it right.

A. Sounded a lot like C. A sounds a lot like C. Oh. Awful. It sounds like Wally dying. I don't know. Is it possible to sing something that's not a note?

That's actually the beginning of a beautiful song. Is it possible to sing something that's not a note? Is it possible to sing lyrics that have been wrote? Is it possible to swing

to a castle through a boat? Now I very cold so I'll put on a jacket. Fuck it. Fuck it. Yeah!

Yeah! Yes! Yes! Yes! I want the show to be over. What happened now is that was the peak. That was the crescendo.

You do know music. Let's take a break for those of you listening at home. Enjoy this commercial break. I'm sure it's a great sponsor and we'll be right back. Let's give it a big round of applause. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult,

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thank you for your support I knew that I'm not afraid of anything we do have time for one more question can you handle it I can handle it can everybody else they all y'all know it once and we leave

alright trying to decide which one is funnier should we do the the gun one or the speech one gun let's do gun we need a she just wants us to make a speech we need a name

gun is a good name gun gun gun is the name tell me gun crayndas crayndas I do love you we're gonna do it crayndas right

the key to my heart let's do it here's the sitch I'm a 19 year old dude and I'm not gonna lie I'm an alpha male and what goes with being an alpha male gun ownership the only problem is I'm still living with my mom

in her spare room start again and read this in the accent that it deserves I'm a 19 year old dude I'm not gonna lie I'm an alpha male and what goes with being an alpha male gun ownership I only problem is

I'm still living in my mom's spare room and the prissy bitch says I can't have one she says she doesn't trust me because she because I crashed her car I did he didn't write that did he

he did I cannot convince my killjoy mom to let me have a gun and when I get it how can I use it to get a girl love crayndas he's in a sticky situation is there any I mean

he shouldn't have a gun the problem is he's still living with his mom and when you live with your mom you gotta do the mommy rules whatever she says goes unfortunately not to mention that he is filled with rage yeah

he's a pussy bitch of a mom doesn't want him to have a he calls her a killjoy he used the word kill and then he wants a gun I think you should like if you write yeah no you don't get a gun oh this is you this is you at walmart telling him so

I would like to be a gun judge a gun judge you don't get a gun would you ever say you do get a gun no it seems like he he can't have it both ways unfortunately you live when you live with your parents

and you can't afford to live by yourself you don't get to make up the rules especially when the rules include buying things that murder other things that's like a huge no-no the sad thing is like if he just got the gun then he would make up the rules wait a minute you don't think he doesn't have to

ask his mommy for permission not once he has the gun once you got a gun who do you ask for permission holy shit you've changed the gun's a permission slit oh my god I've had too much it's frontier whiskey so you

you're right Amir should chuck it but let's give him the support that he deserves by asking me to ah queer ah queer ah queer ah queer ah queer ah queer ah queer I feel like I shouldn't drink to that

Amir Amir ah Amir shmuel shmuel no no no no no but I am the master you drink if we have that one that one was really simple

I do want to get to one more question if you guys are okay with that is that alright we can call this guy gun sure gun is it okay with the beard yes I walk around my house all the time seriously you're positive I like that about you

stop talking to the beard sorry can you two fuck I just feel like if Steven and the beard had a child that would be my that's a god that I would worship you know how that works though

that doesn't happen like that happens no it doesn't right why do you say a right question mark after that doesn't happen like that right are you asking me or are you telling me that two guys cannot have a genetic child two dudes can't have a kid obviously

and you agree I feel like I don't have to agree it is public knowledge it is common sense that they cannot make child with one another unless no way no chance in fucking hell

no matter even if you had maybe there's an amount of money that you can have that will get shit done just because science can pull shit off that you didn't think possible maybe but no alright last question yes please

guy named gun writes I'm a senior in high school and a virgin this is most likely due to the fact that I'm anti-social yes I've had a few girlfriends throughout high school but nothing too serious most kids party a lot but I don't

have a lot of time training and now that I've received my scholarship I want to start being a part of the scene part of that scene what would I give is there a way to become part of the party scene even though everyone has already

even though everyone already has their squad is the best way to have sex to find a girlfriend or a random drunk chick help love gun you at sex in high school how does it work your uncle

how does he join a squad no I want in on the squad hey you guys seem like a cool bunch of chaps can I be a part of the squad I have a resume I'm proficient in Microsoft Excel oh yeah you're getting a wedgie and you're just standing there by yourself

is this hazing am I squad legal this was you in high school I feel like you actually weren't cool until you were 30 is that true I'm not trying to make fun of them I really am not can you tell the world to me that you think I'm cool now

sure I'm wearing a shirt that Marty purchased for himself and I have borrowed shoes that another friend recommended socks that yet another friend told me to wear you chose the glasses on your own no my mommy did can I be part of your squad what did not having sex

in high school become bad I feel like that was average back in the day is that what's average average is sex in high school or knows who you're at sex in high school okay so he heard didn't have sex in high school this crowd doesn't count they listen to

you guys are all being the podcast fuck you guys so how does it work how do you have sex in high school you can't make you if you say squad I think it's too late for you that ship has squatted I'm trying to remember what I did in high I mean I was like

I got fake cool in high school you know what I did it was in middle school I had a condom in my wallet of course I never used it but my friends found out that I had a condom and they thought maybe I had sex so start lying

that's how I'm cool now so you buy a condom and then people are like wait you use a condom not this one but I might do they ever put the pieces together it's like wait if he used a condom he wouldn't actually have one on him he wouldn't have a condom

they never go there do they no maybe not I don't know let me think about it for one second we have all the time in the world can I ask Steven oh he definitely got laid in high school right

I haven't turned around but I think he's having sex right now well the girl is sitting on his lap but it seems like they're fucking wow cool I'm going to turn around and look at him right 3, 2, 1 he's blowing Spencer my advice is

nerds or uncool or virgins as they were in high school nerds or uncools or virgins in high school get cooler over time cool if you're a loot you can only be a cool for 10 years

if you're a cool at 16 your cup runneth over yeah your time runneth out you're not cool anymore by the time you're 26 so you're saying his time in the sun is coming

I'm saying coolness is a normal distribution a bell curve Christ you're saying you're cool right now talking about bell curves I think I'm two standard deviations away from the apex I fear I'm already coming off of it

I fear I'm in the 95th percentile of my time on cool earth for you can only be cool for so long what I'm telling this guy is it has to get better it can't get worse you're plateauing you're starting to become like a cool you don't want to become cool in high school I don't think

you don't want to peak right now when's the best time to peak in your 30s you're right you're right nobody where would you say you are right now I'm on a minor descent

but you have to understand that I peak so high you burn so bright you felt so wrong it felt so right you went to bed went to bed a sleepy head

woke up with a quince for you are a prince become a king become a king your song do sing stay cool forever

forever not never that was the end of the poem that's our time guys let's give it up for Amir let's give it up for you guys thank you so much

Amir who do you want to give it up for let's give it up for Steven and who else Spencer Spencer too and their older brother Greg come on or Greg you're Greg

you're what you're what he's Greg he's Greg who the fuck are we Macaulay and Steve every hot guy is a liar that's our time thank you if I were you

if I were you if I were you if I were you I'll tell you what I would do if only I were you shark.com