If I Were You - 154: Truth or Dare

Episode Date: May 18, 2015

In this episode we discuss drinking alone, double dating, and our TV pilot!This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com and TrunkClub.comSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If you have a crush on a cute barista Want to know what to do to meet her Accidentally killed your neighbor's dog Want to know how to pick up chicks while on a jog If I were you, want to know what I'd do I'd email these two coy and funny dudes If I were you, if I were you If I were you, if I were you

Starts now If I were you, if I were you Yeah sure, that leads to marriage How it works is that you're both I know how it works I do, of course I know how it works It's like you're sucking your own dick No

Huh? Cause you're, it's kinda like you're using somebody else's body as a proxy So it's like, oh I get to go down on a girl while she's blowing me And how is that like sucking your own dick? Cause think about it No You're basically, you're using the other human as a puppet No you're not

Yeah you are You're, you're controlled, like you're basically saying to this human You do what I'm doing Imagine if it's two guys sucking each other's dicks Then it's like you're sucking your own dick Okay, I'm taking one degree to the right One degree to the right is removing a penis No, no, no, no, that is a huge

It's replacing I am licking a vagina That's pretty much the opposite of sucking a penis It's the, but it's the opposite in a way that it's also very similar It's kinda like how It's oral sex, but the event diagrams do not overlap They overlap, they're on top of each other It's two circles

They kiss, they don't overlap It's 69 Actually that, there's a zero and there's a two O's in 69 I was gonna say, when you said it's the opposite it's not the same It's kinda like Let me think of a good metaphor It's like You're like, oh, baseball's the opposite of basketball

Or it's like, okay, they're two different sports, but they're, they are still sports So the fact that something is your opposite Means it's also very related A yin and a yang Yeah, so it's not like baseball's the opposite of basketball It's like basketball's the opposite of Dignity See, there's so far, that's truly the opposite

Or if you wanna talk about opposites, opposites are things that aren't necessarily the exact different They are still part of the same universe Hey, this is if I were you You said, you said licking of a vagina was like sucking a dick Yes, I really think so You are gay I'm sorry It's both oral sex

That's it Yes, that's it So if something is the opposite of something, they're actually very similar That's the cool thing that I said so far And so far you haven't said something cool Calling you gay was pretty cool This is if I were you The only advice podcast on the entire internet hosted by me

And me My name's Amir My name's Josh Josh R We just to show you how quick this turnaround is The clippers have been eliminated from the NBA playoffs Yes This show will be online four hours after that

That is correct We procrastinated But still it's kind of a cool fresh feeling Right What you're listening to happens so quickly, so soon Yeah, this is us on Sunday afternoon and you're listening to You know, this is maybe you on Monday morning Oh, but what if some people are listening to it in two years from now

Yeah, then people will hear this after one of us dies Really? Yeah, yeah, probably one person What's soon but for before? Huh? What's soon but for before? I don't think I still don't get it What's the word soon for stuff that happened previous?

Oh, I see Like earlier Just now No, it's not earlier Just earlier as any time before I'm talking about Like, you know, like we'll shoot, we'll record this and it'll be online soon So it's like right before we recorded it, we recorded it not soon

But soon but in a different direction I swear to God, I'm not high Yes, don't What's soon but for before? Soon means quickly in the future I want to know what it means Like recently? Yeah, yes, we recorded this recently

That's good I do feel high I'm not I did have one edible And a cat Amen, amen What's soon? I was at an eight when I ate that

This is an advice podcast Someone blowing you is a puppet Don't you get that? It's an avatar They are a ventriloquist of you It's like a virtual reality Let's say I have this prosthetic dummy And whatever I do to it, it does to me This is like that 70s show came spinning around

It just keeps landing on you I'm playing Spin the Bottle and it only lands on me Let's say you have this puppet Like in the future It's really hard for me to just do it You have a long distance girlfriend Let's say in the future The year is 2038

Richard Nixon, Junior, Junior Your eyes are so red Instead of being in the same room as someone You are in the room with a giant plastic female figure And your girlfriend is controlling it in a chamber I see So when she moves, the avatar moves So she's blowing this figure

And that figure is blowing you 69ing is that Then is it cheating? My girlfriend cheated on me with a dildo Yeah, exactly If the dildo is being remotely controlled by a guy Is that cheating? Would be an example of a question we would answer

On this advice podcast People will email us If I were to show at gmail.com And we do our best to read these emails Offer our advice We are experts in what following fields Physics, chemistry Jake has a PhD, JD MBA from

The MBA From the MBA So he's a doctor, lawyer, businessman I'm a Doc Rivers of myself And I am a catwalker Which is a new profession that I invented So I'm an inventor I'm a wordsmith

And I'm a more or less You teach cats how to catwalk What? You teach cats how to catwalk How to catwalk How to catwalk We are high, we're tripping on mushrooms So let's start reading these emails

And giving our advice Giving our two cents That would have been a good alternate name for the website Oh yeah, our two cents Our two cents Welcome to our two cents I'm Amos That's my two cents

And I'm Josh Alright, let's start with a good one Cool We need A guy's name Let's do RIP Clippers Blake Griffin

Right So I was having a little party at my house And me and my girlfriend and two other people Were sitting in a room While another group of friends Were in another room playing truth or dare I was unaware they were playing truth or dare So I was weirded out

When a girl from the other room Barged into my room And licked my girlfriend From her forehead to her chin And my girlfriend's brother Watched the whole thing Should I be mad at her? I'm a jealous dude

Clearly The first thing that popped out to me About this question Licking Like I can see licking from chin to forehead How do you lick from forehead to chin? You have to use the bottom of your tongue You have to use the bottom of your tongue

Well maybe she was like sitting down And this girl was standing up So she just kind of went like Oh upside down Yeah I don't know it still seems weird I feel like it's more likely that he Wrote it poorly Oh he accidentally wrote it incorrectly

Cause I also am not 100% sure who he's mad at Well he wants to know if he should be mad At the girl or the girlfriend I guess not really the girlfriend Griffin didn't do anything Should I be mad at the girl that did it? Should I be mad at someone? Yeah

For licking Like if a guy did it You'd be mad If a guy walked into a room and licked your girlfriend Yeah But if a girl did it Less mad it seems Yeah

I guess I feel like What if it was a gay girl I still wouldn't be that mad I'd be actually hot by it It would actually heat me It would turn to what? It would heat me It would turn me on

Okay when you're arousing What do you feel? I feel a warm heat And a cold cool An orange sphere that pulsates Right From forehead to chin You are a sex symbol Blumenfeld

How so? You're a Madonna of our generation Would you be jealous of a girl Or would you be angry If a girl did that to your girl? I don't think so I don't And like sex wouldn't even be involved

It's just like sort of non-threatening Yeah I guess cause like I would know that my girlfriend I know that she would Is heterosexual So if she was licked by a woman It wouldn't necessarily be like a threat To our relationship in any way

Whereas if a guy licked her That's kind of like an assault a little bit Yeah Then I think you'd have to be like I guess before I like really really Had a strong opinion I'd check in with my girlfriend And say

How do you feel about that? Do you feel violated? Was that really fucked up? Or was it just like Hey we're all drunk in a party That was weird Is it entirely related to her? Like if she's fine with it

Then you're fine with it Or is there a situation where something happens to your girlfriend And she's fine with it and you're not? I mean there probably is cause I'm a We're all human beings floating around This crazy, crazy son of ours Oh Do you know what I mean?

We're on a rock baby We are a shooting star We are a shooting star The sun The moon It's just crazy I'm thinking Just knowing that the world is round

Here I'm sitting on Standing on the ground Am I right side up Or upside down That's why he doesn't know Dave has no fucking clue He's upside down That's why he's licking her from

Chin to forehead He's right side up That's what that goddamn song's about This this this this This episode This episode This party happening Was Dave Matthews'

Formative party that he was at If you have to ask if you should be mad Then you're not mad Like you can't say Should I be mad? I am jealous But then he also already is mad Cause he's like

I'm kind of a jealous dude I'm realizing because I'm very pissed off at this Yeah He like also it seems like it's It's a truth or dare game I don't know I wouldn't be mad The weirdest part is

It came after a truth Really? Yeah So she said truth or dare And then the guy said truth Or a girl said truth Do you want to lick anyone in another room? And she said oh hell yeah

Yeah watch this Do you really? Yes I do so bad That this is about to happen Yeah That's how honest I am We should play truth or dare more I haven't played

I don't know if I've ever played Just me and you? Yeah It seems like a good party game But you never played as an adult That's true You never played truth or dare You never played spin the bottle

Yeah Let's have like a teenager party Oh that's a good theme for a party Right we play seven minutes in heaven But you know where we can play it When my parents go out of town We can have it at my parents house That way it's like

We're having a teenager party That I never threw Because I was so anti-social That's a pretty fun idea And my parents house is cool It has a pool Yeah So I just have to

And we'll only invite teenagers over Exactly so like 14, 15, 16 year old woman Yeah And then we'll play games with them So like one of the games Sirens outside Fast That was so fast

That's real I fucking played mailbox baseball earlier Really? Yeah I put a cherry bomb In a toilet In a fucking toilet Yeah

The principal's fucking must have got me Or some shit I slashed the tires on the principal's Mustang The Dean Did you ever play spin the bottle? I don't know if I ever did Yeah I did And it works

You just get to kiss Yeah I played some serious spin the bottle Making out? I played spin the bottle where like Elevated to Basically 69

In heaven Which is what? 69ing In a closet What is seven minutes? That's you go into a closet and change clothes Seven minutes is In heaven is just like

You go into a closet And they shut the door And you have to stay in there for seven minutes And it You don't No one ever Talks about what happened Oh

It's like You can sit there and talk You can make out You can do whatever You know Seven minutes Even hearing the rules gets me like What would I do in a closet?

The girl When you hear the rules of seven minutes In heaven You're like I'm like so in my head Really When I hear that I'm like

Fuck yeah I would fuck them You would do that? Not that it's a youngster Yeah I guess not as like a 13 year old No Yeah

I would probably Just go for it I don't think anybody was having sex But yeah I would finger somebody Jesus man Where did I go wrong? I lost the phone

You're doing it now You're peaking now Yeah But I really want to be a cool teen again In fact You would rather get hand jobs than just Have a nice house and have sex Yeah

Yeah I think so I think I want a hand job again Give me that leather jacket I'm gonna go back to my high school Go back to high school Like it's not what you think officers I just am trying to get a hand job I get beat up by a 16 year old bully

You jerk him off It worked It finally worked That's me melting So Should I be mad? Why don't you see if your girlfriend is mad If your girlfriend is mad

Then you could be mad This one is sort of a gray area Where it would be a little weird If your girlfriend laughed it off It took this guy and fucking slammed him into a wall Who dared her to do it? I'm not mad at her I'm mad at everybody in this room

Who dared her? You? I guess I dared her Why? Oh Why I ought to Dare me to kick his ass Alright

That's it I'm a jealous dude It's as if he can't It's like he's saying his height You recognize that about yourself Try to change Yeah I'm a jealous

He's just saying like I'm six feet tall Like I can't do anything about it I'm a jealous I'm mad I get mad at easily Oftentimes I am greedy and angry So should I be mad in this case as well?

Things put me off Yeah I'm ill at ease And often uncomfortable in a negative way So should I hit him? I find myself having stress and anxiety More often than not Related to things I can't control

For example a licking Forehead to chin And let us know if that actually happened The forehead to chin thing Find that hard to believe Alright Oh Speaking of cool teens

This actually blends right perfectly Into our next question We need another boys name Chris Paul Chris Paul CP3 himself writes My neighbors are paying me to pet sit For them while they go watch their son

Get married But the weird part is They told me I have to sleep at their house While they're gone Because their dogs aren't used to Being alone at night They understand that this is weird And compensated me for such a strange request

By telling me that If I so choose I can invite some people over That's right Vacant house, hormonal teen It seems like the premise For a really bad oranchic comedy I feel like I have to take advantage of the situation

But I'm not that kind of person None of my friends Nor myself have ever been drunk before Or smoked pot Or even have access to those kinds of things If I were to ask them To get some alcohol And meet me at my neighbor's house

They'd likely make fun of me I have no intentions of trashing this house Or anything I'm just curious as to what being intoxicated feels like And I think that this is the most perfect And safe environment to do so So what do I do? Get drunk alone?

Or get some friends? Please, I need to know P.S. I'm 17 going on 18 So, don't drink Not allowed Illegal Don't want you to drink That being said

You're such a loser That your friends think it's cool to not drink Oh my god That's a problem Even me, a loser, had friends that drank I mean, who are you hanging out with, ya dork? It is funny What a weird reverse problem

He's living in a universe I have an open house to have a house party But everyone will make fun of me If I suggest we drink It is funny to imagine him drinking alone But that doesn't seem like a safe opportunity Right If you want to know what being intoxicated feels like

I don't think that getting drunk by yourself Is that great of an indicator Yeah, I don't even know if I've ever done that Have you ever been drunk alone? I've definitely been like Besides at the end of the night when you go home And you're alone and you're drunk Right, yeah, of course

I think I've done things like I've never sat at home alone Maybe I have once or twice Not to get fucked up though Like, I'll say I have a whiskey at the end of the night Yeah I guess, but you've sort of been there when I do that

I'm just drinking by myself and you're around me That's the saddest thing I've ever heard But you've never seen me fall down I'm just like, we'll have a whiskey and be like Oh, that's pretty good You're there, but I'm alone Actually, whenever I get drunk, I'm alone If I'm in a bar filled with people

I'm actually always by myself Because nobody else can be here I'm never connected with a single human being Am I still not alone if there's a group of people I don't give a shit about Constantly around me while I'm getting drunk? Imagine the first time you've ever got drunk You did it by yourself in a strange house

That's a bad way to do it No, because I think part of that Well, part of getting drunk in general is to do it with people So you're all like on the same page You only get on the same level I remember the first time I got drunk was in college I never drank in high school Wow

And I got drunk at my friend's party And he got drunk too And it felt great because it's like, oh my god I mean, he had already been drunk But I was getting drunk for the first time Was he aware of that? Yeah, exactly Were you like, I'm not going to drink

And then suddenly in college, you're like, alright, I guess I'll try it What was your mindset going into college? It was like, I don't want to have It was like weed and drinking Or the two things that I didn't do in high school So I was like, I don't want to do the weed Because that seems like more extreme Like you can't even do that legally after you're 21

But I can see myself drinking alcohol That seems easy So I told my friend that It's like freshman year Yeah, freshman year Couple weeks into school Yeah, October 30th, 2001 It's a Halloween party

Close, Oprah's birthday party Nice He was like, alright, we'll do it We'll get drunk We go into my friend's co-op And they had vodka orange juice for us And that was the first drink I had And I was drinking

I was like, you know what, I don't feel anything And I remember once I started feeling drunk I'm like, it's happening And I called my brother and left him a voicemail I was like, I think I'm drunk for the first time I don't know, it's pretty fun Face getting really red You called your mom

Imagine drinking alcohol for the first time What's your tolerance if you've never, ever had that poison before? Yeah, she's Zero Right, it's crazy Your blood must be confused You never even touched a drop of alcohol? I maybe had like a sip of wine as a child

But like, I never had a beer Your dad used to take you out for wine a lot as a kid Yeah So like, after baseball games Your dad would get you shit-faced My dad, I can count on a million hands The amounts of times he got me wine drunk Before school

Wine drunk on the latest Just playing slap the back As he's dropping me off Remember how early Carpool was? It was like 6'15 Cold So I wanted to think back on like I had to get to the bus at 7.05

So early And like, there were so many times where I'd missed it Just like, by a little bit Like, fuck, I missed the bus And I'd go back inside and my mom or dad Had to just drive me to school Like, fuck you, you little You didn't have Carpool, you had a bus?

Yeah, I had a bus Yeah, I was straight Carpool So like, older kids would drive me Or like, kids' moms We'd have a schedule Right Like, they'd like honk And then you'd have to come out

That's great, yeah I had the bus thing So I knew if I missed the bus Then I could like Stay in the house for an extra 20 minutes And watch Save by the Bell So I would miss the bus on purpose And then my mom or dad

Would have to drive me to school Like a real fucking asshole Sorry, mom So Wait, what was the first time you got drunk? I think the first time I got drunk was It was like in the summer It was like 8th grade or something

You were 14 Yeah I think it was before I was 13 It was the summer of before 8 Oh my god, so young Yeah I was like playing video games

And not doing anything Right, for the next Well actually, it was probably Around the same time No I mean, you were When you were 13, it was 2000, or 1998

You got drunk three years before me And I'm two years older I was 13, it was the summer of 1999 Yeah And I didn't get drunk for another two years And I'm two and a half years older than you Interesting, yeah We used to get like

Me and my friends would sneak into my parents Everyone's parents like liquor cabinets And just take maybe an inch or two inches Off of every single liquor And replace it with water Or just leave it No, just take a sort of unnoticeable inch or two But we would pour all of that liquor

Into one Gatorade bottle So it would have like rum vodka, gin And whiskey all in it No, it was like Kahlua Just like different proofs, everything And I'd say Trano, it didn't matter Sometimes we were probably just taking

Margarita mix Liquid dish soap We would call it Sprue SHPR U with an umlaut, then E We spelled it out Shit brew, that's what it was Oh, that makes sense

And then we would pass that around Until we were drunk And then just like wander around the neighborhood This is at like 3pm Oh, really? Holy shit You were getting day drunk Yeah dude, it was danger

You had to do a Dave? That was the best time of my fucking life Do you know what's like to peak when you're 13? Shit was amazing I would get anything to be 13 And hammered at 3 Now at 3 you're just eating a salad That's not okay

That's true Where did we get to? Oh yeah Should he get drunk at this person's house? Is it the safest opportunity to do so? I think if you're worried about safe opportunities To get drunk, you're already doing it wrong Right

I guess it's not safe to do it at another person's house Why is that safe? Also, you don't really want to be the person That convinces your friends to get drunk I would just like keep on Like it sounds like you're maybe ready to experiment And everybody should be safe And you shouldn't do it because you're not 21

Whatever Thanks Amir made the fart noise But it seems like at the very least You want everybody to be on board You want all of your friends It needs to be a communal Yeah

That's how it's going to be the most fun So maybe you start going after your friends Who are the most weak-willed Instead of going to the group of friends And being like, hey, was she a drunk? And everyone's like, no You find that one person who's like I'd be down and then it's like

Hey, the two of us want to do it Maybe it's the other third friend You just slowly recruit everybody But also don't do it because you're not 21 So our advice is not to do it now Or ever until you're 21 Unless you want to do it in college In which case you shouldn't

Until you turn 21 Alright, let's take a break And we'll come back with more questions This show is sponsored by BetterHelp Thank you, BetterHelp If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation Talking to a professional licensed therapist Is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place

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To save 10% off that first purchase Thank you, Squarespace That was our ad Now we're back Hi, I'm Amir I'm James Coming at you live You're what?

James Oh, wow It's like James, but not plural Because who needs it? Yeah, who needs the extra? Yeah, I'm James There's just one of me So there's always one of James

No, there's two James James is the... I'm James I'm James There's just one of me James J-A-M-E You don't call me

The other version of me Jake's Do you? Because there's only one James We should talk about We're shooting the pilot finally It's happening

Thanks to you The hashtag Greenlight Jake and Amir movement Was so Unignorably large That another network heard about it And said We'll give you money to shoot this thing

Yeah It's another network in the Turner family I guess Turner owns TNT, TBS, True TV And a bunch of other channels So, True TV We are back from the dead Thank you to At True TV

If you guys want to pass on Thank you to them That'll make us look It really is If you think about I don't know how much anybody knows But Making a pilot for TV

Is very, very hard to do Yes It's impossible Yeah They get pitches all the time And they don't choose very many And if they choose you You still have to write the script

Every single step is hard Like even getting into the room There is hard Selling your ideas is hard Writing the pilot Which we got to do That was like a huge It was rare that that happened

It was a very fortunate thing Yeah These are all long shots And One of the longest shots of all Is to basically have your script Be Not considered anymore

And then another network Is like You know what? Because our fans were so supportive Exactly Because it's hard to predict TV success And one of the few things

You can go by Is if people already have A built-in fan base Because a lot of shows come from Relatively unknown people And they can be just as funny As our show But the fact that nobody

Knows about that certain person Puts them at a disadvantage We're already famous That's why our show Is called already famous It's called been famous, bitch That means you're not famous anymore Yeah

Whatever, man What did you say? Well, I'm not famous The numbers of people that have tweeted And just support us on our subreddit And Facebook channel and Twitter And all that stuff Is a huge selling point for us

So if we have a script That's just as funny as everyone else's Hopefully But then we also have this extra advantage Then that pushes us through It's basically like a rugby scrum Yeah We're in the middle

And we have these hundreds of thousands Of fans that sort of force us You shove us forward You did us a real solid Obviously, you haven't done enough yet We don't have a TV show yet Well, let's wait till we shoot the pilot Now, actually, it's our...

I feel like we're passing the ball back and forth Oh, fuck So our fans just helped get us the pilot Now we have to do a good job with the pilot Oh, we have to shoot it good Yeah, we have to shoot it good We have to act it good We have to edit it good

It has to be good It has to be a good thing And then we ask for help one more time To convince TreyTV to green light it to series That's right And then we ask for help again Sorry, then we do work again Then we make it, which would be amazing

And then we ask for help one more time Getting our fans to watch it So we can only get things up to a 50-50 decision For people We can only get us back on the fence We're gonna do a job that'll get us on the fence Get somebody considering it But that is why we are splitting the revenue

With all of our fans Oh, no, no, no, no We should We cannot We should do that This is not a publicly traded company Everyone should You cannot buy stock in me

You should get a rebate You cannot get a rebate I'll give you a coupon For me, undies.com But yes, every little bit is so helpful So thanks guys for having... A lot of you guys have tweeted at TrueTV already And they've already taken notice

And unlike TBS, they've already started tweeting back at us Being like how they feel the love So it already feels like a much more fun, positive experience And we haven't even started yet I think we're gonna start shooting Or working on this thing when we get back from Australia Amazing First we have to cast it

We have people in it that aren't us But what the fuck are we doing right now? We're recording this Oh, okay Yeah, then we have to shoot it Why the fuck are we recording this thing? Well, we have to cast it first Okay, yeah, sure

And then we have to edit it Well, then what the fuck are we wasting our damn time on this stupid podcast shit? That's good too Yeah, this continues to give us an outlet that we control the timeline of It helps to be able to talk and upload it And people are listening to it and enjoying it while they're waiting for the show to happen 100% you're correct And then we have a final product that TrueTV has to deliberate

And if you guys can just help us out one last time By borderline forcing yelling at them We'll have a meet up for that Yeah, yeah, it'll be a tweet up You guys will be very well aware So thank you That's sort of the timeline we're thinking about right now And thank you guys again for helping us get to this point

We couldn't have done it without you Speaking of Australia Shows are getting close to sold out Melbourne's already sold out Sydney has less than 100 tickets left That's a 900 person show That's amazing That'll be our biggest podcast show ever

Yeah Well, wasn't London around 900 as well? I think London was like 800 Well, I mean if we sell out This one will be bigger And then there are tickets still available for Adelaide, Brisbane and Perth Those tickets are still going fast We're going to be there in

Well, I think three weeks Insane Very close So if you're still considering it Make it so All the dates and all the ticket stuffs All the links to what you need are on our website IfIReviewShow.com

Correct Anything else we should talk about? Our newsletter you can sign up for Before weekly updates from us The Montreal show is already sold out So you can't buy tickets to that anymore Yeah, sorry Yeah, I don't know

I guess that's it Oh You You shot yourself yesterday Oh, yeah Well, there's no time We talked about the newsletter and shit I was just

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah It wasn't even a little bit either You thought you were on the toilet And you were on a chair I sat down Indian style on a chair I said, how do you do do And then I, yeah I tuted and

A full log A 21 inch log Insane, it was a record breaker Jesus Christ That's not true, you guys Unless it is and you didn't tell me about it I didn't do that Alright, let's get to one last question

Before we run out of time Oh, here we go One last guy's name JJ Redick Your boy Who had a tough go of it today He didn't do his best When they needed him to

But you know This is their second straight game seven It's very tiring They played 14 games That's like the borderline Three and a half series In just two weeks Yeah

Four weeks They had a good run JJ Redick writes I'm a 22 year old kid And me and my buddy are going on a trip to Denver Next month And I think he kind of already Sewered me

We planned this trip So that we fly in Thursday So that there are three nights And he talked about going out Every single night He's been there before And he even met a Broncos cheerleader She is a smoke

So he suggested Maybe we do a double date one night So I jokingly said yes Thinking it would be another cheerleader friend So today he texts me a pick of a dime And a nickel I'm pretty self-aware And I don't think they'd set me up

With an ugly friend But I don't know what to do Because if we find another friend It'll come off like I look like the asshole, right? And I can't really tell him What to do on his vacation, can I? But I don't want to just go out

By myself that night So do I have to just battle With the husky one? Thanks Y'all rock You don't Love JJ Redick He wanted a hottie

And when he sends in the photo Everything he's saying is correct But he's like, right? I can't just ditch this friend, can I? Would it be fine? I'm going to This is sort of the problem with getting set up Yeah, it's never good

It's how often... The huge major issue I don't even know what this person looks like Any of these people look like But I think most humans are unattractive Right, yeah, I've heard this theory You think there's no one hot in all the world? No, I do

I think it's just rare I think it's not like Oh, you know, there's a 50% mark And half the people are hot And half the people are ugly No, I think 80% to 90% of people are not good looking You most of all Yes, I'm the ugliest one

And then there are 10% of attractive people 10% of people are average And 80 to 90% are poor Unfortunately, it is not a non-normal distribution You reached a point where I say I want to set you up with someone And it sounds very exciting But nine times out of ten

They won't be attractive Well, the problem is that people's expectations When they're going to get set up Are basically never ever met Yeah Because you immediately think your future wife Or your future husband And then you see somebody that's not that

And you're like, oh, no But it doesn't matter This is only one night in... Yeah, this is one night of vacation It's not like you're... It's more dangerous to get set up in your hometown Like if somebody here, if your mom was like Hey, I want to set you up with my friend's daughter

Right That's a little dangerous But where are they going? Denver Yeah, dude, Denver Just enjoy it That whole town's a fuckfest And maybe she's a cool chick

You don't know that yet You don't know until you meet her And you haven't met her yet But going back to what I was saying About how most people are ugly It's not only that most people are ugly Which they are It's also uninteresting

No, most people are more interesting Than they are attractive I wouldn't say that But when people hear stories About an anonymous person, guy or girl You feel in your head an attractive person So I'm like, oh, my friend met this girl yesterday And they went home and had sex three times

And you're already jealous Now that's so hot She's probably so hot But odds are, it was probably, like I said To very ugly people Having ugly sex and talking about mundane things You are sitting at a cheap dining room table With a microphone attached to a computer

You nerd, hater To be clear, I don't consider myself As part of the 10% Of course you don't Of course I don't I, too, am an ugly You have to be ugly To be a critic like this

I'm not sitting on an ivory throne I'm in the ugly masses with me I'm in the muck with my people I'm in the muck with the mire I have the opposite problem, though I think everybody's attractive Even the people who are not Almost especially them

So it's almost like a subjective thing It's what do you consider attractive There are some people like Oh, I wouldn't go out with that person Like, you really, you're saving yourself For like, quote unquote, the cream of the crop The top one to two percent Like, if someone's not a freak of nature model

You're like, oh, I'm not interested in her She's just sort of average looking Yeah, what a waste that would be Yeah, but then there are people whose bar is so low They're like, oh, anybody can be attractive Which I guess that's better than the other way around, right? I don't know My bar doesn't even exist

I don't have a bar You have the floor Yeah, and if you're above it As in you're living and breathing Come on in I want to fuck you The water is warm I don't, I think having no bar

Sometimes gets you in trouble Because then there are people that are like Do have the bar and they're like, oh I don't want to, like, hook up with you You don't even have any standards Yeah You'll hook up with anybody Right

Uh-oh Yeah Oops, I will Yeah What do I do now? I guess for this person The advice is the same Go for it

It's one exciting night Double dates are fun Yes, they are You might as well just do this Do you know the idea of, like, a grenade Like taking one for the team? Oh, yeah Have you ever, well, that's when you

Like to hook up with a friend of a person To help out your friend I think that term is so dumb Because you never have to do that You can, like, keep someone entered He can go on a double date Talk to this girl Get her to like him

Do everything And then, like, everybody goes home to fuck You don't have to do that part So the part where you're like Yeah, I fuck this girl for you Yeah You know you didn't Yeah, that's true

You got in a car Got into your house Went into your room Shut the door And whatever You could have done anything You could have not had sex Right

You could have pulled the plug at any point I mean, if I'm going to talk to someone for an hour I might as well go home and bang So you didn't No one falls on a grenade You're like, you... You're holding on to it For longer than you need to

I think that's what it is You take the grenade and you're holding it And then you go home alone And you pull the plane And throw it against the wall Yeah, it's a suicide You did nothing noble That's how good it feels to

Your friend is so far from the grenade at that point So what would you say? I think go for it, yeah, have fun Have fun It's Denver for crying out loud And it's only one night Who knows what'll happen the next day Also, that's like four people going out

Anything can happen There's no reason that's... There's nothing saying like You have to be with this girl all night This girl is... It's not an arranged marriage This girl might surprise you And you know what, JJ

You might be unattractive You probably are So maybe you should start Exploring people who you consider nickels Again, I don't know what this person looks like Right, because you are... You're a Chuck E. Cheese token Absolutely

You're nothing, you are worthless You are a ticket You are a roll of tickets And you don't buy anything Except a really small kush ball At the very least, a rubber semi-sphere That you turn inside out Put on your finger and it pops

Pop Yeah, and pop goes your weasel, JJ Redick You are a weasel All right, that's it Now that I've called 90% of humans ugly I think I've gotten that off my chest You finally made your point That's why we started a podcast

Just to let people know that All right, if you have your own questions Or theme song submissions Send them to IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com We also need thumbnail submissions Every time we post our episodes on Facebook We use an original piece of artwork Made by you guys

Ideally at a 600 by 315 resolution But we'll take what we can get The opening theme song was by Sarah and Louis Maybe Louie, who made a video crocheting me and Jake Very cute, very nice Do check out that video And this closing theme song is by Michael Gray Jake, do you want to take us out

By leading us in a prayer? You can say no Oh, all right, yeah, no All right, here we go, Michael Gray Actually, you know what, Jesus? Oh, never mind I'm near and I pinch And some questions is a cinch

If I were you, I can show Stars now You