If I Were You - 155: Carpets (w/Rose McIver!)

Episode Date: May 25, 2015

Actress/Friend Rose McIver joins us to discuss dating down under and dangerous fish!This episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com and Prosper.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

You got something you're dying to know Something you're dying to know But you know they make it up as they go They make it up as they go The rest of the week just goes so slow Waiting for the next episode Your name they'll always concede Your name they'll always concede

If I were you's about to get read If I were you's about to get read I'm so glad that Monday's here Cause now it's time for Chakin' Up The Super Mercato Brothers That's a good, that's a good band name They are two brothers named Carl and Will Brueghemann Rose what did you think of that?

I thought it was great but I was distracted by, I don't know what Jake's doing He's sitting in like a weird yoga position on the floor Yeah, you're sitting like a three year old would Like he doesn't know how to use his legs yet I'm one number one, stretching out my right leg Stretching the hammy, stretching my calves Sure So that's good for me

And then part two, I would ideally like to be lying back on the couch That would be a very comfortable position But it's too far from the zoom recorder Your mic will yank it out I'd like to get myself in a way where I don't have to hold the mic And it's lucky that you're comfortable sitting on the floor here Because the entire house is carpeted Including both bathrooms

Okay, that's fine enough Shag carpeting in the bathroom Every time I've got up with you guys in the last few months You live somewhere different It's been getting slowly worse No, I would say the one before this was the worst We're trending, did you see our plays in Santa Monica? I dodged that bullet

It was an empty shell of an extended stay motel I think I'd rather an empty shell than this weird one A shell sounds pretty nice considering our bathrooms are shag carpet Disagree That's insane I felt my serotonin it was just plummet as I walked into the house This place is, if it was a color it would be a dark gray It is a color and it is a dark brown

If you can imagine worse The shag carpet in the bathrooms are dark brown Super Mercado brothers, thank you for writing that theme song They're video game music composers and podcasters And you can check out more if you go to super-m-a-r-c-a-t-o-brows.com Super Mercado bros.com Very cool Rose McIver, my god

You look more beautiful every time I see you Relax Jesus Christ How does a buddy get more graceful? Can I say you look better with age? I might myself more comfortable on the carpet That's why I sit down here Sitting the same

The house is soft, which is good When did hardwood become better? 1984? Just easy wipe down Easier to clean Hygiene Carpets hold scent Which is my primary problem with it being in the bathroom Here's a problem in the bathroom

What are those little bugs? Are they called silverfish? I don't know Are they the ones that crawl up your phallus? No That's pubic lice I want bugs crawl up your phallus I'm worried about them If you swim in a bad river

In a bad river? The worst river ever Up your phallus you mean from balls to tip or through your urethra into your body The second option Through your urethra into your body Is that what you were talking about? Is that the silverfish you were talking about in the bathroom? No Yeah, silverfish

They're... It's like... Oh, alright, here we go It's a small wingless insect Okay? They look like this Sure, they've seen these They're sort of like when something's kind of dingy

It'll be covered in silver Is that a pincher bug? They're not quite like pincher bugs You would imagine finding them if you had a really old library Sort of like living on top of the papers of the books and stuff Okay Anyway, there was one in the bathroom It was on the wall and I tried to kill it and it sort of fell into the carpeting

And I couldn't find it It's a home So there might be just millions and billions of them inside that carpet Remember? Guys, the thing is called the dreaded candero The terrifying toothpick fish So now we're just talking about bugs The differences are the places that me and Rose are from

I'm from Connecticut where I fear silverfish Small wingless insects that do nothing And Rose comes from New Zealand where the entire country... Where once inside the parasite inches its way up the urethra Dear God, man Easier to go in than out at that point, says the bug Of course, of course it is It swims upstream, so as you urinate

It actually uses the reverse current to help Generate forward momentum into the bladder Did you just look it up? Because that was on the urban myths defunct part of it Oh, it is? What is it? They can't swim up your urine, apparently Really?

You know what I'm thinking of is microscopic salmon Once they get into the peahole And that's the worst kind of river you can go in That's a bad river Worst river ever is salmon in your dick Yeah And then there's river Phoenix Which is not a river, it's an Austin

Sorry, I'm thinking of Austin rivers River Phoenix Similar, the beloved actor who passed away Rivers Cuomo Which is totally different from the insects we're talking about When you were on our show Last Rose You weren't the star of a television show I was a nobody

And now? You still are a nobody, Rose But you're rich for it I'm still a nobody, but I'm gainfully employed But now you're on billboards Which is kinda cool Some Not every billboard

I zombie did not buy every billboard in America That would be too much of an ad campaign Not this season It's such a demure I'm on only some billboards Yeah, of course Even one percent is on our It's a really, really coy deflection

I am coy You are very coy Is the season completed? Let's say this episode comes out on Monday, May 25th We finished shooting a few months ago, as you should know No, yeah, but I meant airing No, I think the finale is mid-June Okay

So there's still time There's still time to catch it, guys The show is called I Zombie And it's about a lady named... Oh, God, don't tell me Live more But I'm dead Oh, my God

This is the show When is it on TV? It's on Tuesday nights, 9pm On the CW Remember how you got that role? Yeah, Amir actually helped me read the lines So do you want a cut of my pay? He wants the billboards

Do you want a billboard? Is that just some... Like, would you have gotten the role without me? Maybe I thought the fact that I still bothered connecting with you Was blessing enough All right, yeah No, for sure

And we appreciate it And thank you for that We appreciate you staying in touch with Amir We still climb together We're still real We still hang Even though you're a celebrity and we're not anymore We live in a place with carpeted bathrooms

Yeah, you guys have steadily gone down I'm curious about what's next To be honest We would live under the carpet in the next place We are silverfish of ourselves We live in a urethra Rose, you've been on the show before So I don't need to explain things to you

Anybody who hasn't heard it before This is an advice podcast It's called If I Were You In fact, it's the only advice podcast On the internet hosted by me and Jake And sometimes it's just us too And sometimes we have our friends with us Today we have Rose

Do you remember the night we tried to do a six person podcast? Yes We did Did we ever talk about that on our podcast? I don't think so It was the best episode ever I know That's why we bought these new microphones

It was us three Ben Sarah And Mike Yeah And we all sat down All six of us were like kind of buzz We were like, alright we're going to

Six person podcast This is going to be crazy And then two of the mics just didn't work It's the holy grail Yeah Then the next day we bought new microphones Because I was so angry The fact that one of them didn't work

Have you used these new microphones with us yet? I have I have You've been on two episodes already, right? I'm a regular Holy shit This is happening So why don't we get started

Why don't I start reading some of these questions And we can start offering our advice As you know We give these real emails from real people Fake names to preserve their anonymity And I was wondering, Rose If you have the name of a man Who is from New Zealand

You should use people from your show To keep on promoting it Oh yeah, that's a much better idea than yours, Amir Alright I don't need to promote New Zealand You see I was not paying me a cent New Zealand pays me less than nothing Yeah, okay, we'll use names of people in the show

Dr. Ravi Shakrabati Whoa Right Very good memory Yesterday something happened to me That has almost never happened before And will most likely never happen again A chick gave me her number

The trouble is I'm already in a relationship Obviously this girl wouldn't have known that When she came into my workplace A subway restaurant in New Zealand So it seems cruel to let such boldness and bravery Downright brashness go unrewarded I gave her a text and told her that I'm taken But I'd be down to meet up for a beer sometime

To which she replied that she would also be keen Now I've talked to my girlfriend about this other girl And she's made it clear that she doesn't want me Going on dates with other girls Fair enough But I don't want, but I don't view this going out For a beer as a date I can't help but feel like I'm about to get myself

Tangled up in some sort of bad business So what should I do if you were me Should I cut the non-existent ties That I have with this new girl Or disregard my girlfriend's wishes And meet new people Thanks in advance Dr. Ravi Shakrabati

Ravi Shakrabati You're from New Zealand Do people say keen a lot? Yeah Yeah, they do Is that not an Americanism? I feel like it's made its way here But if Amir ever said it

I would make fun of him And I'd be keen to make fun of you too Nice Thank you The most impressive thing about that whole scenario Is that a girl gave a subway worker her phone number That's a very unusual form She's not above it though

Because she's in the subway eating there Yeah, it's not about that I think it's worse to eat at a subway She got a 12 inch hoagie Wait, did they have the Metrosystem in New Zealand? Did they have the Metrosystem? So do you call it like a six centimeter? No, we don't

That would be a miniature sandwich That's a Ritz cracker That would be a crumb You're a crumb Do they say foot long? Yeah, we still use that And we still use feet and inches for height, weirdly But what about for sandwich length?

Feet and inches, I guess This guy actually, he has a problem We're trying to figure out how often they say keen And if they measure their subway sandwich I think it is really impressive that a girl Just kind of rent and gave her a number Across a sandwich counter That's bold, that's brave

Although I heard that in, maybe it's just Australia But is it New Zealand too And you can verify this That girls approach guys more than the other way around In America, it's guys approaching girls mostly Yeah, that's possibly true But also guys and girls don't really approach each other The same way to ask somebody out

It's really different at home I feel like you meet through friends And that's how you get together You would never really walk across the bar Either side of you, girl or guy Because it would kind of be thought of as maybe sleazy Wow So it's like, you can't ask me out

You just met me, you don't know me We have to have friends in common for this to work out Yeah, and then you just hang out five times at barbecues And then suddenly you're like girlfriend or boyfriend So five barbecues and it's it There's no dating kind of culture the same way How is that? Why is that? I don't know

And then when you come to America and someone hit on you You're like, what the hell's going on? We're not even at a barbeque Yeah, I got a restraining order We're not at a barbeque You're not even at a barbeque yet At least invite me to five barbecues Are you guys excited to come to Australia?

Yes, thank great segue Rose We are going to Australia Did you know that our tickets still available for our shows? You owe me It's crazy Adelaide, Brisbane, Perth, Melbourne This is not the time that we promote the show And I'm not even promoting I'm just saying that did you know that we have tickets still available?

I'm feeling really sorry for the girlfriend of the guy who worked at Subway Who's been completely lovable In terms of like sadness, right? Yeah Probably least that is working at Subway Because you know it's obviously a minimum wage job It's not great But you're making an honest go with it

Yeah You're working your tail off at Subway Good for him Good on you Second saddest is someone eating at Subway Because that's the worst place in the world to get food It tastes bad and it's bad for you And nothing about it is good

Feel free to send us all of your six inches in football Subway We just lost them as a sponsor forever But continue Most sad, good I wouldn't take their money if they tried to give it to me What if it was like 20 grand? Oh fuck yeah, I love it

I love it Jared Fogle Can we talk about how he's not that thin? Alright, so the most sad of all is just being the girlfriend Whose boyfriend is working at Subway Fucking people that eat at Subway You're getting ahead of yourself He did nothing untoward yet

Plus he even told her He even ran it by his girlfriend Can I have a beer? Is it a New Zealand thing where it's like Oh, she probably didn't hit on me We're just friends We didn't even meet at a barbecue He knows that she hit on

He said she was so bold and brash That I rewarded her behavior Which is a pretty funny way to look at it But I kind of, I feel like I've been there too So this girlfriend Why doesn't he, I've got the solution guys This is the easiest one we've ever had Like your girlfriend along

What? There's no world where the girlfriend is like Oh yeah, sure, I'll come with you on this date Yeah, we're all gonna meet a friend today They'll meet a friend You'll meet a friend, you'll meet a friend You're there, she's there, you're missed this Sharon invited you out

Great, I'll come along with you We'll all have a nice beer together and, you know You're on to the right track Here's what I would add Make it a double date He says I'm taken But I've got another friend who's single What, he wants to

He's trying to set this He actually wants to become friends with this girl Well, Sharon It sounds like he probably just wants her a little bit So maybe he should be honest with himself And break up with his girlfriend or whatever Just for one date? Well, not for one date, but if he's like

Maybe he's still got some kind of emotional growth Before he's ready for a relationship Very possible But if you're in a relationship You can't go on any dates with other people Correct 101 What does he say this is like, it's not a date

I just want to get a beer Just getting a brew Wait, read the last sentence again I don't view going out for a beer as a date That's the last sentence I can't help but feel like I'm about to get myself He treats his girlfriend like a queen And takes her to revolving restaurants and things

If a beer isn't a date I want to know what his justification of a date is What's a date to him? I hope it's revolving restaurants like you mentioned Because those are the best I can't help but feel like I'm about to get myself Tangled in some kind of bad business Is what he said

Yes Can I see the question? I feel like there's something else I really want to make fun of For Jesus Holy crap Nice catch This is like the Olympics Only better

Because it's carpeted No risk No risk Olympics You know how Olympic events are risky Because it's not on a carpet This is the part that I think is funny Should I cut the non-existent ties I have with this new girl Or disregard my girlfriend's wishes

And meet new people That sounds like it's so wholesome I just want to meet new friends But it's just one girl who gave you her number It was like, that's so flirty And then you said, I have a girlfriend But we could get a drink I think it's also very telling that he said

This never happens to me Or this is the first time this has happened It's like, you need to remember you're being Sort of lured by just this idea so much more It's not, it's not like It's actually that great, you know What he does, he wants to put He doesn't want, he doesn't view this as cheating

But he doesn't want to put himself in a position Where he's getting closer to cheating Because cheating is like the end of a football field And he's like, I only want to go to the 10-yard line And then maybe she'll pick me up And carry me into the 20 yards And then I'll suddenly... No cheating's that...

This is my cheating of a house metaphor It's a what? The frog in a pot metaphor Where it boils really steadily And you don't notice that it's happening Till suddenly, it's boiled But see I think you can get in trouble like If you're in a relationship

You could be in trouble for getting into the pot In the first place Even if it's lukewarm Like, why did you just... Is this the pot-less subway? Yeah Why are you wet at all? You have to be bone-dry for a relationship, until we get married and we become crusty old dry cracker men.

Two cracker men. That's your view on relationships. Two saltines getting married in the sun. Dry humping and just rubbing salt off each other. Two six-centimeter saltines in the sun. What were you saying about the thing about cheating? Oh, just that like cheating is a house. So you're like, if you enter the foyer in any way, like that's already pretty bad.

Even though you haven't like, I don't know, it's not like a courtroom where you're like, I technically did not go on a date. I did not cheat on you. But it's like, if you're putting yourself in that situation and if you're making, you're doing things that make your significant other uncomfortable, then even if it's not technically cheating, whatever it is is bad business, like he said. He coined it bad business. So if you're in a relationship, you can't have friends, new friends?

No, you can, but think about the context you meet them in. If somebody asks you out across and telly. If a complete stranger gives you her number and you say, I can't go out with you on a date, but let's go out one-on-one and get drunk as friends. That's not friendship. That's not what it is. You're playing with fire. Yeah, that's what it is.

It's playing with fire. And you know what happens when you play with fire, Rose, you're going to get burned. I'm serious. I just made that up. Hold on. Actually, if you play with fire, you're going to get burned. That's a pretty cool thing. I just thought of.

What about if you can't take the heat stay out of the kitchen? That's even better. That's even better. Is that a rose original? Yeah, yeah, just made it up. Holy shit. What have you got, Jake? Cooking with spices.

Very, very nice. That was a good little alley-oop. That one I have heard before. In a dumb idioms cookbook that I read. All right. Don't go on a beer meeting with this lady. Nope. God, people in New Zealand are so dumb.

All right. Your family especially, Rose. Part two. Next question. Moving onward. I hate your mom. Okay. Frankly, upward.

How are your parents? They're great, actually. They're doing really well. They're very excited that I'm coming home to visit. Do they watch your show in NZID? Yeah, they watch it. They get it the day after us. So they're a little behind, but they watch it.

But they're so far ahead. It's probably airing at the same time. Yeah, it's like a time warp. Yeah. It's kind of like how we leave Australia at noon and land at 8 AM the same day. You bring it back to our shows. Speaking of that, that's a good point. How long are you going to spend at home?

Well, I was just remembering this one boy at primary school, which is elementary school, who went to Disneyland for his birthday, which was such a cool dream fantasy thing for kids in New Zealand. But they flew on his birthday one direction. I can't remember which way, but they lost his birthday. So that was like the rustle lining. Yeah, when you fly back, we leave June 2nd and land June 4th. June 3rd just exists as like an 11 hour flight.

Yeah, exactly. So I guess they flew over there the day before his birthday and it just... That was a kid that didn't age that year, right? It was Benjamin Button. He de-aged that year. If you stopped aging, how many years before you realize it? Because honestly, you look just as glamorous as you did when I'm the first day. You are grace personified.

Do you promise? You glow with the glow of what can only be described as a 14 year old little girl. I mean, my God, Rose, you are incredible. Who? Ew, man, I'm grossed out. Why? You've left me speechless. You described her as a 14 year old little girl.

No, I said 24 year old. Didn't he say 14? If you got back in New Zealand right now in a time warp. I said 14. Sorry. Lay it back. 24 year old. See?

All right. I can't argue with that. Did I ask, did I cut you off? Oh, you just said something about my parents and they're good. I go back in a couple of weeks for two weeks. And then you go back to Vancouver to shoot season two of iZombie, which was picked up for another season. Hey, that's great.

Thanks. I'm really excited. I love the people I work with so much and we're going to be, we don't know how many episodes yet. How many was season one? It was 2013. And this one might be more? Yeah.

It may be more. Holy shit. That's so much. How much money do you get per episode? I catch wise. Can we rewind? Yeah. Here we go.

How much do you get per episode? That's what I thought. Just keep on rewinding to that one part. Money per episode. Money per episode. Points on the back end? Points on the front. It's, you're on, you're also like in almost every scene.

So like when they shoot 20 episodes or something, that's like, that's a lot of shooting for you. It is. You have to memorize and wake up. Exactly. Cause I have all that spare time. I just decided this morning on a whim that I'm going to run a marathon. Oh.

Did you know that? No. You inspired me, Amir, because we used to run together when we lived together. And I said, oh, I've done a half marathon and you were all coy about it. And we're like, oh, that's nice. Yeah. I run too. Turns out you had done marathons.

Yeah. And I was like, oh my God, he's so like. Yeah. It was like sort of cool and messy. It's messy. Cool. Yeah. How would you describe my hair?

Unfinished. Okay. Dick. Shaggy. Shapeless. Shaggy on the front, business in the back. All right. Can we answer one more question?

Well, a few more, but at least one. We need another guy's name if you have it. Blaine de Beers. Holy shit. You're fast. Good names on this show. Thank you. Blaine de Beers writes, hey guys, through a series of fortunate events and some mutual

horniness, I started sleeping with a friend recently. Mutual horniness, of course. I started sleeping with a friend recently. Neither of us feel really anything for each other and can still hang out like we used to without being weird. It's a true friends with benefits situation. This is probably working because I'm leaving town in the next few weeks for an extended job in a remote town in Northern Canada as a pro athlete.

And she moves from the town to town a lot. So she likely won't be here when I get back. Because of this, there's no pressure or expectation for it to turn into a real relationship, which is great because she's kind of just one of the guys. Despite being a total dime, she prefers the company of dudes and can outpace most of us at drinking and sports and vulgarity. Unfortunately, this masculine mentality also extends to her grooming habits. She's fine with not showering or changing clothes for days at a time if it is inconvenient.

And often it is as she lives between couches and the mattress in her van. All of this I don't mind. In fact, I find the lack of fucks given kind of refreshing. The one thing I do have a problem with is the smell of her asshole. Hmm. Most of the time it's fine, but if I'm eating her out or we're doing it doggie style, her favorite position, it just reeks. How should I broach this?

Do I tell her to clean her asshole before we fuck? Stop sleeping with her all together or just tough it out for the next few weeks. Not many girls up north, so I'm trying to get it in as much as I can right now. Todah. Love. What was his name? Blaine De Beers. Blaine De Beers.

So Blaine is hooking up with a lady that he finds cool and casual in one of the guys, but one of the things that he doesn't like is that her butthole smells like poo poo. Does he have to just take the good with the bad? Most of the time it's fine unless I'm near it. It could be a real problem if it wasn't fine just like when she was in her room. Her butthole smells so bad I can smell it through her jeans. Under what circumstances is this a dream friends with benefits scenario? I guess the fact that he still gets to have sex if he wears this.

No strings attached. She's really hot and she just has a smelly butt. Maybe all buttholes just smell a little bit. Yeah, you could have bad hygiene and still, I guess the not showering is the thing that really smells. Right. More than there's never soap in the crevasse. Just stare at Rose.

Thanks for catching my eye for that special moment. Your brown eye. Oh, Christ. Can you bend over and let me sniff your butthole? How dare you. I just want to know if they also, let's have a blind smell test. Two questions. You called Rose a 14 year old girl and then asked to smell her ass.

So I'm going to, I'm going to host the podcast now. Give me the zoom. I'll figure it out. Can we please rewind? How much money do you make on your show? We rounded, we round too much. All buttholes might smell true, but this girl's butthole smells even worse than most. I think it's too, if they're actually going away and not seeing each other.

It's too late. This is not a long term thing. Get it while you can. Right. In most relationships. I agree with him. You're in roses. Just like shake.

You are smooth. This is repulsed. I love this fundamental for her sake. If she's a real friend, you keep calling her a friend and stuff, then tell her that she just like in a polite way say, you know, it's really like a love this casual thing, but just how do you feel about showering? How do you feel? Like, do you think it's important?

You know, just drop some really big hints because this is going to ruin her life. How do you feel about showering question mark? How do you think about your butthole? I think one, I sort of agree with that, but also like it's so weird to suggest somebody else shower if they're not in a serious relationship. It's just friends with benefits. If you breathe through your mouth and we've been through this before, can you not smell? Can't you just breathe through your mouth?

It's almost worse though, because you smell something and you're like, I'll breathe through my mouth and you feel like you're inhaling it. Yeah. It does. Well, I mean, buttholes are great. So I really, I have a hard time imagining that's that bad that he would have to say something. Even a stinky one.

Yeah, dude. You like a stinky butthole? I don't like it. I just like I said, even a stinky one and you said, oh yeah, I don't like it. Not especially it, but yeah, there's nothing that could really deter me from it, I guess. Even the poop. That's horrifying. If there was poop on it, then I would probably not.

That's just kind of different though. If it like smells, if it smells, it's because there was poop on it. She's wiped but not showered since she last took a dump. Why did I agree to do this with you? This is the worst. This is the worst. It's not necessarily poop. It's not necessarily poop.

It's not necessarily poop. It's not necessarily poop. Last crack, sweat and everything, there's just like body smell sometimes. So there's, it could be a BO issue of dried sweat on the crevasse. It could be a million things. But that's part about what's hot. That's like what's intimate, you know, like your smells. It's nothing hot about that.

There's nothing hot about disgusting smells. I guess. I think I agree. Like I don't like when people drown themselves in colognes and perfumes. I think like as long as you are hygienic and clean, a human smell is so nice. Where do you land on man musk? Less is more. Don't like, yeah, you don't want to smell you from like six feet away.

If you were, you know, if you were shaking somebody's hand and you can smell that's still quite strong. Right. It really needs to be like a hug, hello. You can kind of encounter. Do you have any friends that have certain smells, whether good or bad, you're like, oh, you smell like a thing. I have like certain people that like when I smell them, I'm like, oh, it's instantly.

Do I have a smell? I don't know if you have a smell. Thanks. Thanks bro. But I have friends who smell in a very specific way. It's indescribable, but like you can, I can smell them and just know that they're there. I feel like they're about people's houses and it's not like, it's not that they have to light candles or whatever, but it just, a space smells different, which is probably

why it's so weird catching up with you guys in all these different places. Right. And none of them smell like your home. Like this doesn't smell like your home. Mikkel Terana smelled like our home. Yeah. It did. It was like dusty wood.

Guys, I'm getting all nostalgic and misting up. We had such a good time there. Remember that night we ordered pizza and watched the Olympics? Yes. Yeah. Now you order hamburgers and watch Game of Thrones. By myself. And it's not very fun.

On the Shag rug. Christ. Here's a greater issue that I realized when I read this question. Things that you don't like about significant others usually stem from things that you do. So you kind of have to take the good with the bad. So he likes that this girl doesn't give a fuck about her hygiene and that she's sort of cool and casual one of the guys.

And 99 times out of 100, that lends to pretty cool things that he likes about her. And then that last time, that last thing is like, oh, also because of all that other stuff, she also doesn't wash her butthole. And it's like, okay, I have to take that if I like everything else about somebody. So if there's something that bothers you about your lady friend or boyfriend, just think about what that that is tied to in terms of things that you do like. Don't fucking interrupt me. Your greatest weakness is also your greatest strength.

Oh, that was actually pretty good. Your greatest weakness is your greatest. I'm sorry for snapping. Her greatest weakness, her butthole is her greatest strength. It's just things that you don't like about someone often stem from stuff. You've already said it. We have to interrupt you because we're saying it over and over and over again. Do you agree or disagree?

What are your thoughts on it? How much do you earn per episode? How much do I own? Earn. Own? It was a throwback to when you kept asking me how much I earned. Oh yeah. My stupid New Zealand accent got in the way.

This is the simple solution to how he fixes the problem. He showers a lot. The end. If every time she sees this guy for the next few weeks, he's freshly showered, eventually she'll want to match his behavior. What about showering together? That's what I was going to say. He says, that's my thing.

Yeah, come on. And then he gets like, oh, let me, let me put this loof up your ass and get off to clean colons. Let's all go get enemas, baby. This is the most romantic thing anyone's ever said. Just candle at dinner while these two tubes of like, colons being cleansed, slow motion flecks of corn. Oh, fuck you.

It was so gross before you said corn. There is corn chowder in the fridge. I know. Do you, do you like some? Did Rufka make it? No. I'll have some. Oh.

Yes. Snap, snap, snap, snap. Just kidding. She makes the best chicken schnitzel. I know. There is chicken schnitzel. Oh, thanks, Rufka. That's a smell that can bring you back.

Yeah, that's the smell of migloryna, chicken schnitzel. Let's take a quick break and we'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp

makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life.

I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. If I were you, you do that today, you can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help, and it's

extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com, if I were you. Check him out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code

or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace

and build an awesome website dedicated to me, or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial.

Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you. Squarespace. And we're back. How are you doing Rose? I'm really happy to see you guys.

Yeah. Yeah. Who did you miss more? Both the same. I know, but if you had to choose one, you had to choose at the very least flip a coin in your brain and say the name. I know. We ended up making a decision and I'd love to hear what yours is.

Okay. I missed a mere more. Oh, wow. Wow. That really don't answer right away. That kind of hurt to hear because I really like Jake only because you really inspired my exercise regime. Oh, so at the very least, I was I was good for you in a way.

Yeah. Whereas I do anything good or poor Jake. You inspire people to eat worse. Yeah. You're a you're a we never know. Rose and I never ate badly. We would drink whiskey. Yeah.

That's poison. That's poison. I haven't, I haven't touched a drop of whiskey mother's ruin since I saw you. Do you not? Really? No, I just have been drinking wine. You've grown up before, but seriously, God, since the day I met you, ravishing, absolutely glowing.

You still miss him. You still miss him more. I take everything back. How much money do you own? It's changed. Watch this guy's look. It's like I'm playing the flute. Sorry.

One second. You know, it's weird. Everybody listening won't be able to see what you're doing, so it's just going to be you making a weird noise. I just assume I'm playing the mic stand as a piccolo. We already mentioned our Australia tour. We've never been down under. What can we expect?

How many crazy things are going to happen to us? Oh my God. Have you? Do you go to us? Like, what's the relationship between New Zealand and Australia? Is it like USA and Canada? Is it like Canada and Mexico? Is it like Kuwait and Iraq?

Is it like Iran and Turkey? Let her answer the question. I am. You posed it. You don't need to give her an exorbitant number of examples. Sudan? What's this thing on? Connecticut and Rhode Island.

It's like US and Canada. And which one's which? We're Canada. New Zealand is Canada. So that's why you like shooting in Canada. It makes you feel like you're at home. Yeah. No, there is something a little bit sibling-like about it, which I think it's the same about

the states in Canada. When we're at home, the only real rivalry is sports. So I was like, oh, the Australian rugby team, blah, blah, blah. But then whenever we're away, I gravitate towards all of the Aussies in LA. It's just like such a similar culture and sensibility. And they're just a bit drier than us. Like our native bush is very dark green and rich. And theirs is a little more deserty.

That's honestly, I reckon, the only difference. So you're kind of like the Pacific Northwest, very lush and wet. So wet. And Jesus. I definitely take back that I missed you more. I definitely missed you the most, Jake. And Australia is more of an outback. A dry, dry, crackling feet.

I'm a saltine cracker. Did you go to a lot growing up both? You went from New Zealand to... Sydney and Melbourne. How do you go from... You are a complete sociopathic pervert to... No, no, but I'm interested. When you were a child, did you visit both?

Is it a hop, skip, and a jump, or is it kind of an adventure to get to Australia? It's a three-hour flight. So you guys definitely made the effort to get to New Zealand while you were back, right? Yeah. Cool. Where are you going?

Auckland. What flight did you book? Christchurch. Christchurch Air. It's honestly an insult to me, a personal insult that you didn't bother. You know what the problem is? We have work to do after we get back. So we had to...

What are you doing? No, no, no. Tell me. We have that... I'm a dentist on the 19th. No, we're shooting our pilot. Did you hear we're shooting a pilot? Are you actually?

Yeah. Not with TBS, but with True TV. They picked up our script and we're shooting... What? Congratulations. I didn't know that. Yeah. That's so cool.

And did you... Remember you had written that role for me in the original pilot? Mm-hmm. What are you doing now? Well, are you in... You're in first position, I imagine, with iZombie. Oh, yeah, but right. We can't do a series over there.

You said because you had to be back for it. So I must be shooting in June. Shoot in late July. And I only go back... It's a conflict of interest. No, it's not. No, because we don't like you, to have you be in our show. It's a conflict of our interest and your interest.

You're interested in doing it, right? Is there still the character Haley? There is. I wouldn't give that much away, so tread lightly. Okay, okay. But there is a lady named Haley in it. And are you... Would you still be available?

How does it work? Can you be on a network show? What happened to all of the cool ideas that I threw into the mix for Haley? You helped us develop that character, but you... Oh, my God, I'm so excited to get my... You're not allowed to be in it, are you? I can... I do what I want. I love that attitude.

She has to be a zombie in it, but she can be in it. Well, genuinely, I'll offer you the part right now. I'm not in charge, but... You are an executive producer on the part. I'll take it. Oh, wait. I am an executive... That's so fucking crazy.

I'm an executive... I'm an EP, actually. In all seriousness, that's really, really exciting. Yeah, we're excited to finally be able to shoot it. And... Hang on. When are you shooting? And actually...

We don't know the exact schedule, but they want to do it this summer after we get back from Australia. In LA? Yeah, in Los Angeles. That's great. Can you believe it? It's a great hope that you don't have to go shoot in New Mexico or relocate yourself or something. Oh, yeah. I guess because it's an office setting and those are more plentiful out here.

I would love to relocate for a month. But then what if it gets picked up and then you relocate permanently? That'd be cool. Yeah, like, do you spend more time in Canada than...? I spend all my time in Vancouver. It's just lucky that Vancouver is somewhere I really like. Right. In a baddie.

What's that? A baddie. Oh, my God. Amir's trying to... He's trying too hard is what he's trying to do. I know, huh? Oh, wow. That's impossible.

I'm still reeling from all your perverse comments. I tried right here. So you spent... Are you a Canadian citizen now more than in a US one? No. What if you spend more? You're a citizen of the world, aren't you? Yeah, and I'm kind of cosmopolitan.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Sorry. The question was, you're a citizen of the world, aren't you? And you said, can I see your ass? You are leading. That was a boring question. Well, how is she going to answer that? Yeah, I guess I am.

I don't know. Let's let her answer it. I'm not interested anymore. In anything. No, I like not having... I feel like I've lived away from New Zealand for a long time, but I definitely still feel very strongly a New Zealand citizen. That's not changing.

So, nice try. Are you an American citizen? No. Oh, thank God. You haven't been invited to be one. What? How can you not be? You have to be here a while.

How long have you been here? But it would be great to have Jewel citizenship. That would be wonderful. But I don't even want to relinquish my New Zealand passport. You mean Jewel citizenship between Jewel and whatever country you're from? Jewel the singer? Yeah. She's from Alaska.

Okay. Sorry about that. I was just joking. I don't know. God, I used to love Jewel. That was a good joke. Yeah. I used to love her songs.

Yeah. That's the national anthem. Because they're my arms. They are my arms. They are my arms. The band is back together. Holy shit. Give me that guitar.

The names are tearing me. They're tearing me. They're tearing me apart. And the band is barking up. Oh, fair. Bitch, better have my money. We are a cover band without a cause or a direction. All right.

We're running a little late, but I want to get to one more question. If you'll have it. Fire. That means no. And what language do we hear? That's the way she's wishing you die. Here's a... He read my mind.

Here's a question that's dumb. Ready? Is that how it introduces itself? No, no, no. I'm going to ask you a question. Is the language that they speak in New Zealand still called English? It's a bilingual country. And it's New Zealand and Maori.

So it's English and Maori. But is it called New Zealand English or just English? It's English. So they say... Do you speak Maori? I learned at university, but I'm not very good. But I can understand. I didn't realize how much Maori is part of our common discourse until going to other places

where place names... At home, place names are all largely in Maori and... It's kind of like Hawaiian style where there's a lot of cities near that area. Yeah, it's really cool. I learned at elementary school, the equivalent of. And you learn lots of songs. It's a really musical language. And it's called te reo, which is the tongue.

It means because it's a spoken language. Traditionally, it's always been oral. And so, yeah, we learned lots of Maori music as kids. I guess, yeah, you don't get to do that in every country, so that's nice. Something came up while you were talking. I was thinking about... You got distracted when you were thinking about something completely different. God, you're so sweet.

Almost, almost. I zoned out, totally. We've been called out for this, so I was wondering how you pronounce the city. M-E-L-B-O-U-R-N-E. Mm-hmm. Melbourne. Mm-hmm. You said Melbourne.

Yes. Rocky. I avoided saying it for a long time. Melbourne. Melbourne. And then some people say Melbourne. Yeah, Melbourne, Melbourne. Like really cool Americans even drop their accent to say it, so they don't even say Melbourne.

They go like Melbourne. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some people have told us to do that, and then we started doing that, and we're just like, don't say it like that. Say it L-M-E-L-B-U-R-N. It's like, I never pronounce anything else particularly accurately in other languages, except one time I tried saying Barcelona. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And my brother still teases me about it. He's like, just like, if you were consistent about it, great. But just the fact that you're trying to sound so... You only do Barcelona. Yeah. So well-traveled. I'm going to get a quesadilla, a taco. Oh, and it's really nice to be here in Barcelona.

That's exactly what it's like. All right, sir. So once again, this is your... A quesadilla. A taco bell in L-A. Right. And O. And O.

And O. And O. It's exciting to be here in Barcelona. Okay. So just the taco in the quesadilla. I also want a diet coke. And O. And O.

And O, my. It is pleasant to be in this lovely city of Barcelona. That's great. You are not in Barcelona. And even if you were, you don't have to say, And O. Of course. It's exciting to be here.

Did you know that... We can talk about this. I want to talk about this on the show. Jake did something recently that made me hit him a lot. Hit him? Yeah, like I snapped. Really? Yeah.

Can you not imagine that? I still have... Oh, my bruise just went away. I had a bruise on my arm. Can you guess what you're not going to be able to? But there's something that he did that made me so mad that I hit him over and over. Was it domestic or out in the public? It was out in public.

That's a great question. Because it actually happened twice, once domestically, and then the other one out and about. And I lost it. Did he say something bigoted? No, it was not anything that he said. It was something that he did to me that sent this shockwave throughout my entire system. And I felt like I had to hit him a lot. Did he tickle you?

He was close to tickling me. That's a good guess. It was sort of like a big brother thing. Oh, you noogie? Close. Getting really closer. He put his fingers in your nose? No.

Get away from the face. You're getting closer. Pinched his bump. Oh, even... You're inches away at this point. Oh. I might pass. I washed his asshole.

He pantsed me. Dina, did they have that in New Zealand? Yeah, but it's called downtrown. Yeah, he downtrowned me. The other thing you think of was a wedgie. Wait. Oh, yeah, that's not true. I want to know the context.

Were you downtrown him at home? Well, we were at a friend's house and I was wearing gym shorts. So, like, you know, loose drawstring shorts. And he pulled, yanked it down to my ankles in one fell swoop. And I was just a hairy leg in his... In this is my friend's living room with my underwear. And what's that? And no one really saw, though.

And nobody saw. And nobody's one person saw. Yeah, so he did that, like, sort of a little Dennis the Men is tickling. And we laughed. Ha, ha, ha. Look at him here. So that was the first instance. That was the first instance.

Then an hour later, we're walking around LA in West Hollywood, walking to get frozen yogurt. And Jake, then, while I was walking away from him, pulled down my pants again all the way down to my ankle. So I was just in the street in my underwear. The thing I would take you to task about, Jake, is that it was just too close to the first time. Yeah.

Well, he was just going to keep... For humor. And one of the things that triggered to me was, like, I have to do something or else he's just going to keep doing it. Like, he's going to think this is okay. Yeah, just an example. And I didn't know... I couldn't pants him back.

So, like, imagine if someone yanked off your pants in the street and laughed. Like, what are you supposed to do? That person is not a friend. I was at a loss. I'm proud of you. You stood up for yourself. It was a lesson. And it was so weird because, like, I kept hitting him,

but I didn't, like, want to, like, punch him in the face. So I was just, like, continually hitting his shoulder. I love that it even occurred to you to punch him in the face. Kicking your thighs. If you punched me in the face, I think it would be in a very different situation. You'd be sitting in separate seats on the flight to Australia. Yeah.

You'd still be going. Oh, yeah. We'd have to go, but we wouldn't... We'd have to go to, like, couples therapy, I think. If I punched you in the face? For that, yeah. It's kind of weird because you, like, I think the punishment of punching you in the face

for pantsing me is not as disparate, different as pantsing me from doing nothing at all. Like, you went from zero to pantsing me, which is a huge step, and then I went from pantsing you to hitting you in the face. So I think, well, that's sort of like an immediate reaction. You could also have just, like, pulled up your pants and, like, contemplated some other form of embarrassment

for me later. Later, later. Yeah. Been really calculated and calculated up, like, one of those drawings, those strings with, like, a bucket of flour. Yeah. Above chance.

An old-fashioned prank festival. Yeah. But I just, I couldn't, I didn't even think it was, like, I've never, like... The first thing you did was kick me, and that was, like, I think that was a real gut, that was the gut reaction. I kicked you as hard as I could. This is amazing.

This is out in the street, too. Yeah. So people saw these two. Did you laugh at all while it was happening? Did you have any of that, like, ha-ha-ha, while you hit him? We were both smiling, but I don't think he, I definitely didn't sense that he was joking. It was a nervous smile.

I was like, oh, shit, what's going to happen now? Yeah. Yeah, that's terrible. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, and good luck to you. Thank you so much. All right. Next question.

We need a female's name. Peyton Charles. Peyton Charles writes, hey, Jake and Schmuel. My name is Ben Rose. My name is Peyton Charles. My name is Peyton Charles, and I've been having an insecurity problem ever since I can remember thinking I'm too big. I'm not overweight, but I've always had a little more

chub on my tummy and bigger arms and thighs. It doesn't help that I'm 4'11 either. So my question is, thick girls or skinny girls? When does thick cross the line of just being fat? When does skinny cross the line of just being too bony? I'd love to hear your opinions and preferences on the subject. Love, Peyton Charles. She's focusing on the wrong thing.

She's a midget. 4'11. God damn it, dude. 4'11, you miniature. That's why you chose that question. You miniature little mini woman. Be 100 pounds, be 400. You're still a small.

The best things come in small packages. And so do I. So you're telling her skinny is better. No, no, no. His is fine. How dare you. I want that off there. No, no, no.

I say I'm obsessed with thick women and I agree. Exactly. I think now more than ever, curvaceous is kind of surpassing skinniness. Yeah. I mean, I had this conversation with somebody recently where we were driving along and looking at just the variety. I feel like in New Zealand, there's a lot of just healthy.

It's not really like, and this is a huge generalization, but just like if you looked across like a high school, I think there seems to be, there's sort of a very middling size, which seems kind of healthy. I feel like I have definitely been shocked at how much people seem to go one of either end of the spectrum in the States. And I just think it's interesting because I absolutely curvy should be celebrated.

Like any kind of healthy body type should be celebrated. If she is like fit and is eating relatively well, that's what matters. Like that's her heart health and that's going to make her confident and sexy. But like if she's clinically overweight and it's like going to be compromising and blocking her arteries, that's not sexy. That's all.

So it's more about health and fitness than specific shape. Yeah. Well, like well-being. What's that? Feeling good. Well, she doesn't feel good. Earth, at the very least, she feels insecure. Right.

Well, I mean, that's different than actually like feeling healthy. Yeah. So like you don't feel healthy right now. No. And I would, but I also- Do you feel too thin, Jake? I don't look overweight. Do you feel too thin?

No, I feel too fat. Really? Yeah. But it's not like I feel, yeah, I feel lethargic. I wake up and I'm like tired and I would rather be like waking up feeling like I could do stuff. So it seems like the shape of your body is a genetic thing that you can't control.

But what you can control is how healthy you are, whether you're eating right and exercising. Yeah. Whether you like glow and you're, you know, feeling like you're achieving things in your life. I think that, I mean, it's not even some weird sparrow, like eerie, fairy thing. I think people who carry themselves with their shoulders back

and like smiling, it's just more attractive. Right. Which brings me back to fucking. Perfect. Help me. Sounds the hottest, right? Like a little bit thick. Oh.

Like some, some cushion. Yeah. Like curves on you. Yeah. I'm like, oh yeah. Blumenfeld. Whip it out, dude. Here you go.

Oh, micro penis. Here we go. It's so small. It looks like a third nipple. Yeah. My cum shoots in such a thin stream. It's like there's a pinhole in a water balloon. It is a thin, thin ice pick of a, of a thin stream.

It hurts. I don't think this is. It's done so thin. I've seen it used to cut glass. Yeah. It is a laser. I have a laser rethra. Does that answer your question?

Not even a tube. Patient Charles? Not even a tube thick fish could swim upstream of it. Thicker is better. Bigger is hotter. Well, that's, that's all subjective. All right. I'm just saying my personal opinion.

What do you think? That's what I think. Your personal preference is a little bit of a thickener to it. Yes. Winners too. Like do you think it bleeds into unhealthy quite like where, where do you draw a line? Do you like your girl's hotness? Yeah.

Like I don't think you can get too big. That's not true. What if you're grossly overweight? Do you like your girl's BBW? Yes. So that everyone else in the room is so uncomfortable. That's what Drake says in one of his songs. What's his name?

Black Beautiful. There's another one where he says, he's describing his girl and he says her ass is so big that it's almost embarrassing. It's almost, but not quite. I think that's my perfect woman bordering on uncomfortable. Bordering on embarrassing. Everyone is like, whoa, she's kind of big. But it's also like, wow, I would like to see her ass.

So does the health factor in it anyway? 700 pound woman still just getting hotter and hotter as she gains weight to you. I think if she couldn't get on top and like really give it to me, then I wouldn't think it was hot. But like, so like a 700 pound woman, she probably is covered in bed sores and I couldn't, we couldn't lay together really. So it's only the bed sores that didn't distract. I guess I'd fuck a bed sore.

Oh God. Are they open? Oh no, that is worse than everything I've said, right? It is, isn't it? You're both disgusting. Yeah, no, body confidence, but just being healthy. What about for guys? Do you have a preference one way or another?

Long and lean, teddy bear bigger? Harrier, cutter, fitter, thicker, beefier? How do you like your soup? Actual soup? Do you like a stew or do you like more of a broth? You give everyone so many options. Post the question, then stop talking. That's how conversations work.

I will. You're absolutely right. What's your favorite color? Blue, red, green? Is this sort of a mix? Do you have multiple favorite colors? Have you ever seen a rainbow? I saw one once.

That's exactly me. You're a steamroller. And yeah, steamroller, green and felt. I get that a lot. I think healthy. Again, it's like just in shape and somebody who enjoys exercise. This is a thing that I was thinking about recently. How awful must it be to just not get any pleasure out of exercise?

I got to go to the gym, use the elliptical for 20 minutes, the worst part of my day. Yeah. I think everyone that feels like that should find a sport or a hobby because there's so many different ways to be. I agree. Like climbing or I don't know, hiking or just doing something. Like climbing like a stick, I said a mall.

I have so much fun. Well, climbing really changed the way I am for a while anyway. Climbing really changed the way I thought about exercise because I liked climbing so much that then I became passionate about actually going to the gym and working out muscles so I could be a better climber. Oh, yeah, yeah. But it's true.

I don't like going to the gym and just lifting weights. It seems like that's like the stripped down version of a sport. I'd rather do stuff like climbing. If you like sport enough, then you find joy in training for it. I imagine. Like if you love basketball, you can't play basketball several hours a week. You have to sometimes do conditioning

so you can be a better basketball player. Then you get even more joy out of playing basketball because you're... Or it's like if you dance, you want to stretch, you want to become more flexible. It's like in what other world is like putting your leg up on a chair and stretching your hamstring, have any appeal. Right. Except that it will make your movements more fluid

and you more kind of limber to watch. So specifically for this girl, thick girls or skinny girls, Jake says thick. Yeah. I'll say I don't quite have a preference. Like blonde and brunette, I can find both attractive. Yeah, that's true too. Rose, do you have a preference?

Middling, really pedestrian. Yeah, average. The more average, perfect. That's a perfect Comic-Con answer. What's that supposed to mean? I love average nerds. People with a little bit of a beer gut. That kind of gets me off.

I love gamers. I'm a nerd too. Can you guys write my script for me for Comic-Con? Oh, for when you go there? You go to Comic-Con, right? Man, that'd be so awesome. I've never been. Definitely go. Surely you'd have a great audience there. We have been to Comic-Con.

Yeah, but it wasn't the same. What? I know, I don't know. I just feel like such shit sometimes. You are shit all the time. You know what was fun was seeing you guys at South by Southwest. Oh my God, that was fun.

Austin, Texas. We should all move there. Absolutely not. That's fair. Just not in summer. I love it, but it's too hot. I miss Austin right now. You're talking about Austin Rivers, right? Yeah, always.

Rose, is there anything you want to plug before we have to go? No, I'm good. What about the television show you're on? Oh yeah, please watch my television show. At this point you got picked up for a second season. Who gives a shit if people watch it? Sorry about that. Your Twitter account? I'm Rose McAva.

Nice. Anything else? Thanks for having me in your gorgeous home, guys. You only made fun of it a little bit. If you have your own questions, or your own theme song submissions, that email address for everything is IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com The opening theme song

was written by the Super Mercato Brothers, and this closing theme song is written by Joe Kim from Sweden. No word yet on if it's Joe Kim Noah. Are you okay? What's going on right here? I'm doing a bit where if I didn't have any arms. It's the best bit you've done all day.

I'm not gonna lie. It's the best bit you've done all day. Thanks, Rose, for coming on our show, and thank you guys for listening. We'll be back next week. Bye. They were you They names but really names

For funs sake Rose is great It's the podcast If I were you I'd drop that douche too I'll hit my dad's ass To show my friends some sass Mommy, I love you

It's the podcast If I were you I'd take it home It would do She's a bastard And ain't no grapster It would tell you what to do Howdy