If I Were You - 156: Raven Nest

Episode Date: June 1, 2015

In this episode we discuss apologies, dream homes, and sloths.This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com and MeUndies.comSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If you like to take it in here, this is what they'll recommend. Stop being a tinnocrit, so try and see the cheese. Eat all we have to go, and this will actually get real. Fuck your people and blast, cause if they don't know what they're doing, you'll end. It's time for you, it's time for you, it's time for you, it's time for you show. I love that. That was Spain's own Amy Don't Hate Me. Oh, that's a cool name for a band. What kind of genre of music would you say that was?

Folk, neo-classic, rock and roll with a little bit of hip-hop, R&B. No hip-hop, no R&B. The best of the 80s and 90s until today. Maybe a little punk though. Yeah, the number one arbitron rated listen at work station. It sounded like the secret song at the end of a punk album. Oh yeah, all by myself. Yeah.

Right, sort of like that, or like the Blink 182, the Newfound Glories. We should explain what secret songs are to our audience. Do you think they don't even know? How would they? Their secret songs, Drake's album has secret songs, Jay-Z's album has secret songs. Really recently, you buy the CD and it only exists as a secret song that you can listen to if you play the last track. Another last track, but they're like songs interludes, like, hidden at the ends of tracks. I thought it was like the last song actually goes on for like three more minutes of silence and then another one starts.

Right, that's like the classic secret song, but they do have hidden tracks within CDs still, or within albums. And how do you access them? You listen to the whole album. So you can just actually go to track 11 and it's that? No, no, you go to track 11, listen to track 11, then two minutes after track 11's finished, or like sometimes it's shorter, another track plays. Oh my god. A secret song. So yeah, they still have them.

We should do a secret podcast. That's a fun idea. So after the set podcast ends, there's going to be an hour and a half of silence. Oh, we should do like a whole entire seven days of silence, then another podcast, but like we'll release it separately. Oh, so it's like a nine gig file where seven days, yeah. There's a lapse. Hundreds of hours have gone by and then at the end of it is just one more joke. So we won't.

Oh, that's a good idea. This episode comes out June 2nd, which means we're on our way to Australia by the time you hear this. What? No. Yeah. We leave June 2nd. So I don't know. This episode comes out June 1st and we're going to be on our way to Australia June 2nd.

In the nighttime though, we have a red eye. Right. That's true. Okay. Probably by the time we read this, we're on our way to Australia. Well, I mean, by the time you read it, who knows what's happening. Someone's transcribed it. That would take days.

Don't miss speak around me, motherfucker. I will pounce. I will pounce. You don't get away with Jack's sheet. Shit. No. That's fine. No.

That wasn't a mis-talk. Yeah. And I did that on purpose. On purpose. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. And how does this show work?

We get emails from people who are in difficult places and they're in need of our advice specifically. If they needed your advice, they'd have emailed your show. Yeah. Unfortunately. Come on. They email our show. We get a lot of, one of the most commented comments about our show is that we only take relationship advice or we only take relationship emails and give relationship advice.

We do. That I think has become one of our specialties because we just, but that's the sheer volume of questions. That's what we get questions about. Right. So we do get emails, some emails about work problems or family issues or school problems, but the majority of them are relationship ones. But we did find some non-relationship ones for this episode.

All right. So why don't we get this party begin? Let's get it begin. Let's get it begin. All right. Oh wait. We got to give this real person who wrote a real email, a fake name to preserve his anonymity. Anonymity, got a lot of enmity, got a lot of people trying to keep a little anonymity.

Trying to take away from a, very good. That was a test. And everyone out there singing along, you are under arrest. What do they do? So what about for this podcast? We'll call these people musicians that have had secret songs. Oh, all right. Cool.

So this would be Billy Joe Armstrong. Sounds good. Billy Joe writes, so the other day in cafeteria, this girl was talking to her friend and I overheard her say, oh my God, I'm so hungry, I could literally eat the entire snack bar. This girl and I, while we're not friends, know each other and have talked a handful of times, therefore I jokingly said, yeah, probably thinking we were close enough where it would be funny. Well, she didn't think so.

She went ape shit all over social media about me being so disrespectful and how I'm such a dick. She is a decently beefy girl, so it made me look even worse, even though this girl is pretty unlike by almost everybody in my grade. So, should I apologize or should I just say fuck it and let the anger pass over her? Because my reputation in the grade isn't really at risk. Thanks. Love, Billy Joe.

My reputation in the grade will remain untarnished. It can't be risk. Should I let this run at court? He's so nervous that it is. Like if we are just saying, actually your reputation isn't risk, he'll be like, oh fuck. I knew it. What are you talking about? Who did you hear that it was at risk from?

I was afraid it would be at risk. Can you imagine risking my rep? All he wants is the comfort of us saying, yeah, you're right. It sounds like your reputation is not at risk. Reputation is such a high school thing. Can you imagine your reputation once you leave school? What's my reputation? It's funny.

What am I reputed as? Do you care about your reputation? Maybe subconsciously, but I never really think about reputation. The word, at least reputation. Now that I say it over and over, starting to lose meaning, what is my reputation? Right. Table is also a weird one to just say. Table.

Table. Table. Table. No, that one's fine. Reputation is weird though. I guess my rep, oh, our reputation is defined by this podcast. Mine is like this logical, analytical, emotionless dude and yours is like. A fiery, passionate, loudmouth asshole.

That's your reputation. If your reputation was at risk, it would be quite devastating. I don't know if there's one thing you could say or do that would risk your reputation, but in high school, everything is hanging by a thread, a thin line. That's true. Would you apologize if someone was blasting you on social need? It sounds like he wants to apologize. Why doesn't, what's the harm in apologizing?

It sounds like he feels bad. He feels guilty. And he shouldn't have said that. And he's like, I don't know. I guess he's just like thrown because he's so surprised that all of this has happened. Do I have to apologize? Of course you do. Well, then what if my reputation is the apologist?

I think also you have to take it as, when somebody acts like this, like when somebody puts you on blast on social media, when there's this offended, then of course you just apologize because you've clearly done a bad thing. You offended someone in a really rude way. I mean, have you ever apologized on social media? Apologizing on social media. I think you don't apologize on social media. Oh, you apologize offline.

Yeah, in person. So you just say, hey, sorry about that. I think what really matters more than your reputation is that. Nothing matters more than the rep. You will being a nice guy to this girl. So reputation one, nice guy to girl two. Well, I guess you do always want your reputation to just be like, oh, he's not mean. That's a good reputation.

I mean, you can make your reputation anything you want. But number one, have nobody think you're mean would be a good goal. No one thinks I'm mean. No one thinks I'm a douchebag asshole who calls women fat in the cafeteria. So your goal in life is to go through it without really offending anyone so that nobody thinks you're a mean. Right. So navigate through the waters of society without really jostling anyone the wrong way.

And it's funny too, because he's like, she took it the wrong way. He meant it as a joke and she didn't take it like that. It's not like you have so much at risk here that you don't want to apologize. Like, I don't want to set a precedent by apologizing to people I accidentally offend. What sort of message does that send to the student body? Yeah, you made a bad joke and now somebody's really mad. So the right thing to do is apologize. I didn't.

Is it ever not good to apologize? Would you ever say don't apologize? Well, if you like stood up for what he believed in in some way. If this girl was like... Even then, wouldn't you just apologize? Like, if someone was mad at you even for a bad reason, what's the harm in just saying sorry? Right. I'm trying to think of a time where I've really felt like I was in the right and I also had to apologize and I can't think of one reason.

It's funny how pride is a thing. Like, that's the only thing stopping you from saying a word that you think will make someone else feel better because you don't want the message to be that you were wrong. But I think the thing also about apologies is that they take on such a strange form that the problem is at this point become bigger than he should have never said it, right? But since he did, he can't just apologize like, hey, I'm sorry I said that. Like, it's not okay because now other people are mad at him from social media and like other people in the school will be like, this guy's an asshole.

This guy's mean to women. It's taken on a grandiose aura, okay? You can edit that to make it look like it came up with aura quickly, right? So what he has to do is he has to basically debase himself completely. Start from zero and I am sorry. I am a huge asshole. I should have never said that. I don't know what's wrong with me. You need to apologize so much sometimes when you say you're sorry that the other person has to not only accept your apology but start to build you back up. Oh, so you have to apologize so much.

I can't believe I said that to you. I hate myself. And only then can somebody rather like, that's when it changes for them to say like, no, you're not an asshole. You're not an asshole. I know you meant it as a joke. That's what you need to let them tell you that you meant it as a joke. But you can't say, I'm sorry, you obviously took that the wrong way. I meant it as a joke. I didn't mean to offend you. Like, well, you did offend me. You're an asshole. Like, hey, I'm not an asshole. You're going to apologize so much that the other person starts to apologize.

That's like sort of when I was in relationships, when I was a younger lad, like I would think like the only way to end a fight is to feel so bad that the other person like had to like make me start feeling better. That's the nature of apologies in arguing. But I feel like it was false. I was just like, I was lying so that this person would make me feel better. And then I'd be like, all right, it's okay. Now we're back to neutral. It's so manipulative. Demented game.

But I don't know. It's just like the way things are. I wish it was better. So you have to actually, like, what percentage of apologies would you say are not, like, are yours or are not sincere? I think at this point when I apologize for something, I mean it. Because one thing you can do before you apologize is to like really put yourself in their shoes. This is how you would give it a sincere apology. I'm talking like, I think what I was talking about is sort of what makes people not like to apologize because that's the nature of apologies.

But if it was me doing it, I would really search my soul to find a reason that I was sorry. So rather than look at the way she blew up at you and how you feel like it's undeserved, you look and say, how did I make her feel with that comment? What could she have been going through in her day or in her life? And like, why was she so offended? And then when you talk to her, you really are coming from a place of being like, hey, I am sorry. I obviously couldn't have understood how that would make you feel.

But knowing how it did make you feel, I am mortified that I said anything. You should never have to feel the way like that. And then she'll be like, that's okay. As long as you tweet your apology, I will totally accept it. It really has to go with the public apology. It has to be a public apology. Or we can do it in private, but you have to be naked. Nude yourself to me.

Present yourself a nude to me so that I can embrace your apology and I can see your body. I want to see all of it. Don't apologize. Just show me your penis. Not Eurex. I want to see your small little acorn dick after you've come out of a shower. I want you to present yourself clean and unclothed. At your most vulnerable.

Pale skinned freckle face and goose flaccid for the world to see. Goose bumps and shivering body. I want you to present that to me. And then and only then will I accept your apology because I'll have seen you at your worst. And you've seen me at mine. All right, so apologize. In a sincere way. If you're not sincere, find a way to make yourself sincere.

If you're making yourself sincere, then you're not sincere. It's not a lie if you believe it. No, if you're flipping with your apology, then it's not sincere. But if you actually sit down and you think about why you should be sorry, then it is a sincere apology. So what if you are sincere? You are sincere, but you just say it really quickly like, oh, I'm sorry about that. Or is that better than actually meaning or sincere short apology or one where you're lying? I don't think there's such a thing as a sincere short apology.

Why not? If you actually feel bad, you say, I'm really sorry about that. I feel bad. Or if you're lying, you're like, I searched my soul and I totally get what I've done to you. And it really wrecks my heart and brain to know that I did that to you and you're just acting. Well, if you're really, really sorry, why would your sincere apologies sound like you're being an asshole? Because you don't know how to talk to people. Okay.

You feel uncomfortable speaking sincerely to people. All right. Apologize. Always apologize. You need another guy's name who had a secret song on an album. Jay-Z. writes, good day, guys. I got a seriously stinky situation and desperately need your advice on how to deal with it.

Every day at my workplace, we get our toilets cleaned, but that happens after we all leave for work for the day. Unfortunately, we have a serial toilet destroyer who arrives at work before everyone. Every morning, and I'm not exaggerating when I say that, literally every morning he uses the bathroom, but he doesn't just use it, he abuses it. He must have something seriously wrong with him because he sprays shit, which is a very different color each day, all over the back of the toilet bowl and somehow on the lip on the very top of the bowl. Now, this wouldn't be a problem if he used a toilet brush that's right next to the fucking toilet to clean up after himself, but he doesn't.

He leaves it for the rest of the employees to deal with for the rest of the day. Not only does he somehow stain the porcelain bowl, the smell that he leaves behind could kill a Talgarian army. It took me a while to figure out who the culprit was, and now that I've figured it out, I don't know what to do. I can't just walk up and say something to him, and speaking to HR about this would be very disgusting, so instead I told several others who were wondering who the bloody punisher is. He's very proud of what he does with that stupid smirk on his face. I'm tempted to get revenge on the behalf of my helpless co-workers. Should I arrive before him after a big night of Indian food and destroy the toilet,

giving him a taste of not only his own medicine, but of my taint? Should I start taking photos of his abominations and leave printouts on his desk? I feel as if I should quit because I cannot deal with this shit. Any advice on how to deal or punish this guy would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. Love Jay-Z. It's funny, he thinks the guy's proud. He walks out with a smirk. I bet he's not proud.

He literally has a shit-eating grin as he emerges from the bathroom. Is there anybody that's like, I am the shitter. I destroy the toilet every morning. He said, PS, I think I've heard of John Wolfe doing this once. Which would make sense because what he's doing is not illegal. Yes. But it is a public nuisance. And it's not subtle though.

That's the interesting. That's how you know it's not a wolf. His calling card isn't correct. So let's say there is this guy who is proud of spraying shit on this toilet bowl every morning. Right. How do you get back at that? I don't think posting photos of it will be good because he seems to take pride in it. Yeah, he probably takes his own photo.

Yeah. Like a serial killer keeps his own newspaper clippings. I know the answer to this, but have you ever taken a shit so epic that you've taken a photo of it and shown it to me recently because it was a long, a long thick log? I don't know what you're talking about. Have you ever taken a nice shit you've been proud of so much so that you've taken a photo and shown it to me recently? Come on. Asked and answered.

Asked and inferred. You didn't infer, you didn't answer. Have you ever taken a video of yourself taking a shit and then reversed the video so it looks like the shit is fucking you in the ass? Everything except for the last part. It doesn't look like it's fucking me in the ass. It looks like it's going back into me. Sure.

There's no insert out. What is your point here? My point is that I make art and you make shart. And speaking of shart, what should we do about this shitsmith, this mystery shitsmith? The shitsman. How do you embarrass a shitsman? Okay, this is what you do. Oh my God.

And this is something that we did at Burning Man. Oh. This is something I learned at Burning Man. So you know it's true. Well, I think it would be more embarrassing in this scenario. It was funny at Burning Man. So there are porta-potties everywhere. Not everywhere.

Where the porta-potties are. There are porta-potties. And in the middle of the day and the high points, there are usually lines for them. What do you mean high points? Oh, like rush hour? Yeah, yeah. Gotcha. So people are in line for the porta-potties.

Somebody goes in and then as soon as they go in, a big mob of people comes around with a red carpet. They roll it out. Like from the porta-pottie door, just out back into the middle of the crowd. They call people over. Everyone comes around, forms a huge crowd on both sides of the red carpet. And then you wait. As soon as that person opens the door, everyone just cheers. And then they walk the entire red carpet and at the front, they pose with a photo.

And then they make a speech. So they do that to everybody or just one person? No, it's just like, it never happened to me. Or random. Yeah, it's just this group of people that like to stage this sort of... So he gets everyone in the office to come in, roll out the red carpet so that when this guy leaves... Right, but maybe rather than like celebrating like cheering for him, they all jeer at him. Oh, they hiss?

Yeah. They'll all... Hold on, there's serpents to that point. Especially if everybody is aware of it and everyone knows who it is, they should all... Because he can't be mad at everybody. You know what they should do? They should up the ante from that. Like, because I think what's giving them that shit-eating smirk is that he thinks nobody is doing this as a silent, little assassin.

So what if he gets everybody to go into the bathroom while he's doing it? That seems like the way to get back at a shitter because the best thing about taking a shit is doing it in private Right, so you mean while he's taking a shit the entire office barges in not barges in but like one by one Oh, you're I'm imagining it's a single stall thing. You're imagining. It's like a multi-person bathroom Yeah, and open a multi-stall bathroom. I'm imagining it's a single one bathroom I'm sure you can get in either way But like if it's like one by one by one by one and suddenly there's like 30 40 50 people in there While he's taking a shit, and he's just so fucking mortified as he's spraying shit

The other thing to think about is that he might just have IBS Really ashamed, but he can't control himself when he gets to the bathroom at work. Yeah, like at least it's anonymous I'm so sorry. Yeah, he like wants to clean it, but he's too embarrassed He's like I don't want anyone to know it's me So he hurries out of the bathroom, and he just thinks about the happiest moment He had as a child that makes him smile a bit This is what we're gonna do the happiest moment He had as a child was finding out his father had passed away

Because he thought he went through his whole life thinking that his dad had run out on them But turns out no he'd actually died so he was like oh, I'm happy that at least he didn't abandon me on purpose Yeah, so like as this life is like and he also has IBS So he has the saddest life ever and now you want to bully him By hissing at him coming out of the bathroom Imagine how mortified that guy would be if he was in the stall. We teach you to practice empathy or or public shaming of them

So if you really want to embarrass him, I like the group idea Surround him with people either right during his shit or right after Out him as the as the shitsman because maybe what he gets off to is the fact that he thinks it's anonymous That's true. So once you like point a finger at him put the stage light on him I also think you could talk to HR about it. That's kind of funny They like they do have to deal with stuff like that like people that take shits net in a nasty way Yeah, if they're disrupting the office, that's HR's job, right? He's disrupting the office or is he just pooping? He's disrupting the office

Let them deal with it. Well, they that's what they're there for human resources That's and what better resource than poop that's a resource All right, those are two options for you. Let's take a break Then we'll come back with more questions right on the other side of this advertisement This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious Stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that Difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist

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And I'm pissing myself you also pissed yourself before we started and during the break I just realized something today is June 1st if a miracle happens. Oh my god today Will in fact be the day. I know what you're going. I Don't even want to dare we say I can't I don't want to I don't want to jinx it Could I saying it but we could be moving into Obviously calling it a dream home would be underselling it So that's that's at least me leading you to the doorstep of what we're talking about a dream home We had a lost city of Atlantis. It is not a dream. I did feel bad even calling in that

We recently saw a house that we ideally like to move into it is it is What's above utopia? Valhalla Valhalla Shangri-La the Garden of Eden It is a home. It is a beacon. It is a light. It is an energy source on Raven nest It is a house. We cannot afford But it is the one we deserve to be in it's the house we deserve

But not the house we can afford absolutely we ran out of options in our price range So what we did was double what we can afford and what we saw was a borderline triple borderline trip Forward we did it was Tripled our initial budget. That's right without tripling our income. Mm-hmm. So we just said we are willing to spend what we're not Just to get in the door we convinced ourselves in order to walk through these pearly pearly gates at Raven nest and what we saw Dumbfounded us. We were awestruck. We were dumbfounded. We were We were confounded. We were struck and it is unfounded Unprecedented. I can't imagine a world where we don't live in Raven nest

I can't imagine a world where we live and to die in Raven nest would be more than an honor To die a thousand net to die to die a thousand deaths For one night in Raven nest my my goal in life is to find a woman who will bear me a child Who will die in Raven nest a child? What a child a proud moment it would be for me to lose an infant to lose my kidney To my king for me to feel that sense of shame. I will be I will be a jester I will be a I will be a jester in the palace that is Raven nest I will proudly serve the king as a humble humble jester as a servant

I will be a prisoner that is To be bound to be beheaded absolutely It's would be an honor to find a genie so that I may grant you the other two wishes for I have but one It is to die in Raven nest For me to live there for an eternity as a dead soul Would be greater than spending to be reincarnated as a blade of grass on the lawn of new Zion Of new Jerusalem that is Raven's nest for me to be a patch of grass that a pig would spend eternity shitting on As long as it be in Raven nest for it to be in Raven nest

Would be such an honor may ask you a question. You already have And I have already answered. Do you dream of Raven nest? Of course not. It wouldn't fit Not a house to dream of I don't sleep I stay awake Longing for Raven nest I lost after dreaming dreaming implies that I I'm at a state in my life where I can be restful outside of Raven nest to Raven nest to Raven nest To you to me so that we may find the the cash raise a glass But do not let the wine touch your lips because the wine of Raven nest is too sweet to bear But I bear my soul to Raven nest and all I am to be to to that that I am for her

For it for I for him to go to me. It may never be enough But I will have no less than Raven nest I will be homeless before I I am denied that house, which I will be For we offered 50 asking This is our cover letter Anyway, we're uh two comedy writers to pay rent in Raven nest is a travesty a tragedy that I won't allow it happen to me I can't afford it to happen to be to me Uh, we took the asking price

And we said no chance To assign a price to Raven nest is more than a slap in the face. We slapped the owner across the face It is said your house is worth Tenfold what this is so we'll offer you half because you don't deserve half You don't deserve to own Raven nest only we are the rightful heirs Excalibur the sword and the stone that is the home that I must own Can somebody own mount everest can somebody own vassuvius? Can you own the ocean can you own the sky the kingdom of the gods kingdom come my kingdom come

It actually will never sticks. Do you imagine living a night in raven nest where you are not plagued by wet wet dreams To surf out on a wave of cum as we move out of raven nest one day years and years of nocturnal emissions Overpowering the home the the the the en suites It is a four bedroom. It is a five bathroom. There are there is a pool. There are four en suites and a powder room It is open concept There is a pool. There is a two-car garage. There is a gate For I may sleep on that gate and I don't mean to lay my rest my head beside the gate

I do want to firmly slide my body along the spine of the top of the gate. The gate is fully furnished The gate is a four bedroom studio apartment The gate has an en suite and every house that I've seen since raven nest Is a toilet. It is absolutely not a home Uh, I can't imagine living anywhere, but And at the same time we can't I can't stress this enough. We can't afford to live there As we are speaking right now, we are waiting on the email from our realtor To tell us that we did not get the house. Absolutely. We will not get raven nest. We do not deserve raven nest

But chill me a soul who does impossible more than improbable But there is a chance we do get it and the next couple episodes we'll be recording from there So that'll be a chill little place. God, could you imagine? No, I cannot Uh, but before that actually slightly after we're gonna be in australia Oh, we're coming this week next week next. That would be the biggest tragedy of all to get raven nest To move in on the first and to leave on the second for two. I would miss the house so desperately

I can't only only only uh an adventure in a new uh tropical. It's not tropical exotic continent country Could tear me away from raven nest. Mm-hmm Fortunately, that's what it is. Great. We're gonna be in sydney melbourne adelaide brisbane perth Five cities one of which is already sold out sydney dangerously close Tickets available still on our website if I were you show dot com I'm sorry

I was lost again My body is here, but my mind my soul my heart my eyes are with raven nest I can't to think of raven nest would be putting it down. Yeah, it thinks of me It thinks of you. I don't think so. It is you you are it That's very good What bedroom would you want the raven nest the raven nest the master will be the master's room There are four there are four masters. You have to show some reverence The master only has one master

My master is raven nest And your master is me and raven nest. What do you mean? She needs me in that master. She wants me in that master Raven nest must have me for I am her master We are husband and wife that home and I Can you imagine finding a woman a soulmate after uh living in raven nest? Can you imagine starting a family after having I only have so much love to give and and it is all with her With raven nest could you imagine sleeping with raven nest?

Can you imagine taking her in as a as a a soulmate and a wife to you? I can imagine letting raven nest wear a strap on and pegging me, sir Can you? How do you imagine that happening? I would like to put a strap on on the ensuite What's that nothing forget I said this A strapping strap on on the ensuite All right, let's get to one last question shall we? Yes

This one is a relationship question. We I'm sorry. We can we can only avoid it for so long Yeah, we get so many relationship questions that even on our special non-relationship. There's still one episode One of three, but this one's pretty good. Do you have another? Is there a name? Worthy of even bringing up after we discuss raven nest a hidden song I don't think raven raven nest knows a hidden song. I think she is an opera I think she is a swan song. I think she's a siren song Meaning meaning I am sailing to her

And I will let her consume me Knowing that I will die a slow death But to live But to live In raven nest dying in raven nest would be So honorable because it meant we were in it again to raven nest absolutely to raven nest Raise your mead And your steed

All right raven nest writes I do declare you've heard of the friend zone, but have you ever heard of the sloth zone? I have found myself in a quandary of sorts in the strangest variety I work as a bartender and the barb is and the bar is due east from my house Remember that direction. It will come in handy later Now one fine evening I am tending bar being a suave and a cool when the gods of alcohol consumption Smiled down on me and two beautiful girls

I had been making conversation with that the bar left me their phone numbers on a single napkin A notable aside is that for some reason our conversation somehow landed on the topic of sloths Here's where it gets tricky They are obviously friends and thus obviously talk So I didn't know if it could be some sort of trap to text one of them before the other and potentially give away Which one I was more interested in Thinking on my feet I decided to try a bold move and text them both in a group message even bolder

I didn't say who it was, but going with the conversation from the bar. I texted did someone mention sloths? Here's a random fact surprisingly. It went over extremely well We all group texted for a while and eventually the girl that I secretly was more interested in started texting me separately jackpot, right? Nope.com. She still only wants to talk about sloths and occasionally other cute animals I don't mind the animals, but how do I move the conversation away from that and more towards me wiping this chick up? Did I ruin my chances with the sloth line? Can I save myself and still have a chance with this girl?

Should I have chosen a better random sloth fact? Yes Sorry, dude, you are all sloth talk All sloth no moth You are done. So learn everything you can about sloths. That's what you're gonna talk to her about forever This is a texting phenomenon that I've experienced. Maybe you have too is getting stuck in the inside joke mode Suddenly it's been like uh-oh four five six back and forth. I'm an expert at getting out of that mode And I won't even allow myself to get into that. It's quicksand. It's lazy. So what do you do?

You bring up the sloth or an inside joke, which is a great way to break the ice But then you can't stay on it Of course not Is it how what what would you say is the a good amount just as as a rule of back and forth? maximum Two so you say sloth she makes sloth joke you make at most one more and if she makes one more You're out a hundred percent done Gone

You are ghost you don't have to respond to every sloth related thing She says with something else sloth related change the subject just like in any conversation for example We were talking about what could only be described as like you said the gates to new jerusalem Uh, and then right now we're talking about sloths. Well when i'm talking i'm only ever talking about raven absolutely That is because that is where I am that is where I belong that is where I come from and And that is me Okay I feel like

I did not accuse we both have a reverence for raven nest. Let's leave it at that No one reveres her more than I except maybe you So we both we both so do we revere equally? Silence Shall we do two minutes of silence in reverence to uh raven nest to raven nest? I Weep for you To raven nest how sweet

To raven nest How sad would it be to interrupt a moment of silence to sing a bad song you wrote like taking that considering that is the stage Everybody needs this and here we go Or the fence of raven nest for she goes and hi she waddles why young go to raven nest Hey diddle diddle and a hey diddle doddle Raven nest how sweet the nest What once was sad is now the best Oh

Raven Bad how dare you For even the worst song about raven nest is music to everybody's ears What should uh this this is going really well from this guy the sloth guy, right? Yeah, of course. He's got she if somebody takes it from grouped just to you That's like the flirtiest thing. I mean the flirtiest thing is leaving your number on a napkin for a bartender That's dangerous though the two numbers Would you have done the dual text? I would have done exactly what he did or

How does he know and um we did this once where two girls gave me their numbers And I texted the one that was like way less attractive. Oh, yeah, that was a cool move Yeah, and I did and I never texted that other one and then eventually she texted me That has nothing to do with this really or Kind of there's no applicable lessons here, right? Well, anyway, so I'm cool Just know where I'm coming from You just have to stop talk. You don't have to give in to the inside joke every time It's also like it's really easy to keep on going back because you're like, oh, I know that she responds to this

I know that she texts me about this right, but switch it up like it's your job to Move the conversation forward if you if that's where you want it to go. Don't just like Play the sloth game until she asks you out You've already done something really passive by texting them both and hoping she moves you over to us A solo text. She's basically taken every swing in this relationship. She left the number She left the group chain and now she's like waiting for you to stop fucking talking about sloths and you can't So everything has gone great. Don't discourage. Just change the subject

um What it was I about to say when it came up. Oh, right. And if if you want to know exactly what to say text jake.com still available Oh, that's right. I've helped people get out of this situation a hundred percent. I have uh, it's a website that allows jake to text specific uh to your specific needs You'll upload your conversation and you you you need jake to tell you exactly what to respond with Sometimes it's nothing. Sometimes it's too late, right? Would you say that's happened before? Sorry I'm

I'm eating nuts right now. Of course. You can't eat nuts right now. I'm sorry. I was really hungry Nature box jalapeno caches Brought to you by See that wasn't a total derail Uh, that really was just me eating nuts. So sometimes uh, it's too late for the for your help. Yeah, I would say Almost half the time now. It's like I'm getting this is kind of inconvenient for me But it's like text analysis where people are uploading like a ton of their texts

I don't be like, what do you think like how is this going? Should I ask her out or like hey, what's why is this guy? Why is this guy going silent on me? Am I doing something wrong? So I'm like reading all these texts and trying to uh, read into people's situations, but it seems like this is the perfect, uh Perfect question for you because it seems to be going well. He just needs to know how to pivot from sloths to literally How do I stop talking about sloths? It would be so easy. Yeah, I could help I spend years not talking about sloths and probably so do you Yeah, but it is good. It is good to have something dumb like that to bring up Originally, do you ever like slip stuff like that in uh to the conversation at first so that you're like, oh, this will be a good thing

to text about later Or just like let's say you're talking about nothing in specific with a lady and then you're like Oh, I should bring up something really weird and esoteric so that I can bring up later as an inside joke Or will inside jokes invariably have to come up during a conversation whether it's something specific like slots or something else interesting um I don't think I've ever like secretly inserted an inside joke that like He usually comes up organically. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I would say so because any every conversation is about something

right as long as you as soon as you guys get like a common interest then you can exploit it for a little bit just like you did with sloths, but you don't you can't it's not uh It's not the uh I don't know. What's the word like the gift that keeps on giving a gift you can't raven nest It's not the gift that keeps on giving raven nest is the gift herself Okay, she is the gift. She is the one. All right. She is adam. She is eve. She is the serpent and she is god

She is the bible. She is the story. She is mecca muhammad a la Wow, she really is everything And anything and nothing at all the house itself does not exist all at once um So and it is worth 60 percent of asking That being said I cannot stress how little we can afford this home sir Why did we see it the way we did you've built a palace so funny. It's just like The image of us walking through all the rooms like oh, this is really nice. This is great

And then knowing what our financial situation was It's like test driving a tesla with 38 dollars in your bank account. Yeah, what we are of course. It is a nice car Yeah, I already knew that I don't I think I don't I haven't done in life and enough in life to deserve it unfortunately Uh, so for this guy Things are going well. Just change the subject. Exactly. Uh, all right. That's our time. Thank you so much for listening to the show If you have your own questions your own theme song submissions like amy don't hate me Send them over to if i were you show at gmail.com still accepting thumbnail submissions

For our facebook page every time we upload our podcast we use original artwork from you Our talented fans the opening theme song once again us from a spanish group amy don't hate me And this closing one is a full song. It's pretty good We just felt a little weird opening the show with like a multi-minute song So it's from a band called the legacy. Enjoy that. We'll be back next week And then we'll definitely be in australia by the time that episode comes out. All right, bye Oh Hey

She wants to be Making podcasts like these Oh So I can't come in swipe phone match with a girl Quickly flew to a house man. Yeah 95 on a freeway. Yeah 30 minutes later. She gave me head like I did a little leeway She said she brought a friend. I'm like, hey, yeah, it's freeway to my surprise. It was a guy. She said don't worry She wants to be

She wants to be