If I Were You - 159: Best of Australia

Episode Date: June 22, 2015

In this episode we share our best questions and answers from our shows in Australia! We also talk about Matt Damon.This episode is brought to you by Prosper.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Jerk in a queer? What the hell was that? She didn't say that you just hear that I always hear it That was Billy who Came to our Adelaide show. Yeah, that's right. We're back, baby. How does it feel? I'm still jet lag. So I fell asleep last night at 2 p.m. And woke up at 9 you still call 2 p.m. Night Then I had a breakfast at 10 p.m. Yeah, and I went to the park for I'm living my I'm not even jet lag I'm just still living my life on Australian time eight Vegemite for breakfast. Mm-hmm. And then at 4 a.m.

I took my midday nap Bung Fritz. I had Devon we learned a lot about Australia Trust me, Australian listeners are losing it right now. I love the Vegemite I mean like in Adelaide they like Bung Fritz and first they like Devon. That's baloney for those of you one in four You actually did like Vegemite. I did like Vegemite. Is it enough to actually buy Vegemite? I have it. I bought it. You bought Vegemite in America. No, not any I bought it on the airport on the way out Oh, really? Yeah, Vegemite for those of you don't know it's not I learned this in Australia It's not like a type of food. It's all it's like marshmallow fluff like it's it's created only by one brand craft Right makes this one product called Vegemite where you get like helmets or yeah. Yeah

Yeah, it's it's just this product that craft makes called Vegemite that is beloved in Australia and hated everywhere else Yeah, we tried it Not very good And I thought I liked it You're supposed to I guess put it on very very little like a flavoring with a lot of butter Which I guess would make anything palatable still not that good for me. Yeah, Opa did not enjoy it You don't have to call yourself Opa. I would appreciate it if you did So this is a best of

Australian episode and we had the best time in Australia nice dude We did well, we should say that this is if I were you an advice podcast hosted by us, right Jake and Amir now We went to Australia. We did a whole tour of shows Adelaide Brisbane Melbourne Sydney Perth But instead of releasing five episodes All from different live shows We had the great idea to just make one best of yeah a smattering of our best questions and answers from across the whole tour This first clip is from our first show in Adelaide People were very excited to for us to be there because it's a smaller town

Yeah, they were like a lot of people come to Melbourne and Sydney, but they don't come to Adelaide It was the smallest the smallest town that we went to I think yeah, it's smaller than Perth, right? Yeah. Yeah, I think so So this was our first show there Very exciting. That's where we met Billy who did the opening theme song for this show All right, let's don't forget about Pippi Babcock Our young fan Walter right well, well, this is the clip made us laugh a lot because I don't know if we should even give it away or What but it's the name suggestion really got us this time. All right, let's listen to this Adelaide clip

We need another guy's name I Don't want to call you out sir, but how old are you? 14 14 staring you dead in the eyes saying Bibi fucking Babcock mother fucker. You heard me now read the question bitch All right, man, this guy has the confidence of a million year old Well only in Australia could a 14 year old kick the shit out of me

So Pippi Babcock and when you're done reading why don't you give me your phone? cunt All right, so Pippi Babcock Pippi Babcock writes It's so funny imagine this 14 year old beating this shit out of you So black can I adopt you? You won me sir, he's 14 you're begging for his approval What's your name you rule Walter cool When I was 14, I was a loser and a Jew

Now you're 32 and still both. Yeah, but I'm 32 So I'm old about it I'm old of me to you with them Pippi Babcock That's my favorite Who is Pippi Babcock? He said it so surely you thought of it for months and months Do you do you know that you you were gonna say that when we asked for a name Walter?

Yeah, you say it Walter when he said Crandis were you yelling Pippi Babcock you were Did you think of it over two weeks ago? Over two weeks ago It's a tongue twister it's not much of a tongue twister Now your tongue twisted All right, Pippi Babcock writes part one About eight months ago. I started seeing a girl from work. There was a lot of built-up tension and we hit it off fast

We agreed to an open relationship as long as the other people we see Are people we don't know or have to see including a co-worker's cousin who she fucked It's great We are both full-time workers at uni So we haven't even been seeing each other or other people all that much and in fact She forbade me to see anyone if that matters I've met her family a few times and she's met mine and we hang out heaps. It's going great part two I Get Instagram for the first time first of all part one's not going great

She had sex with someone it doesn't allow him to see anybody Part two I get Instagram for the first time I Had a few friends including her and look through her photos and find work guys cousin has liked a few of her photos No big deal, right? Nah, I Snoop further click on him and she's liked a bunch of his photos, but more notably the topless ones If your blood isn't boiling yet It's not

If your blood isn't boiling yet, please note that this occurrence occurred Wilds we have been seeing each other. She liked one topless photo in the same week We were at a beach house Introducing her to my friends and others and she liked the same week. I introduced her to my family part three What should I do? Should I broach the topic with her should I forget it should I escalate the relationship Should I leave her I have no clue what this means I Am also new to Instagram, so maybe this callous sultry behavior is fine

It doesn't seem fine To be honest, he's probably slightly better looking than me body not face But I know he can't talk to or treat girls the way I do so I think it's just sexual slash emotional Still sucks though, thanks love pippy babcock I Great name for a great question Sexual slash emotional. It's just the two things it can be but it still hurts So not but or still what was the part where she verbatim from

It's called an open relationship that's only open one way Sort of like a push-pull door type thing right and it open it's a revolving door that doesn't revolve in every direction It's an escalator is what it is. Yeah Oh no, the weed brownies are hitting us right now So let's say you're dating someone and she likes a bunch of topless photos from a dude is that a red flag? Maybe it's not great Yeah, it's weird because I would say this guy's definitely overthinking it, but then also He's right

Yeah, would you like sexy photos from the same girl like wouldn't you be a little more discreet about that if you were if you Had a crush on someone. Yeah, but I you do that all the time like you like a Couple Instagram pictures, but you know which ones you're like really liking right am I the only one that does that? Like you like one and then you hide it by liking a few more so that way it's like Jake liked four photos Not just one photo of a top right you like you like three innocuous photos, and then one that's like, you know, I want you to know I like that Liking photos is the most passive way, but still flirtatious way to get someone's little attention Someone's little attention. Yeah, just like a little you know, Facebook used to have a poke. I'm okay. Thank you, but sure

It's just like a oh this person likes your photo, but maybe he likes a little bit more So the fact that she's doing it to every single topless photo Would you bring it up if you were with no relationship and a girl did that? I don't know. Have I ever told the story about the guy that I saw the Instagram fight I saw on the sidewalk. I think you told me but I don't know if these people in Adelaide. I've ever heard it. I Did Episode 59 Damn

That's fucking crazy. You remember what I said better than I remember what I said Yeah, there's like three two hundred and fifty hours of our lives just cataloged for people to hear Yeah, that's sort of like stream of consciousness for me Who said they remember me saying that? Don't be afraid to speak up now man Are you the same girl that whose boyfriend's not here? She's just everything tonight. She's also pippy Babcock So well for everybody here besides you I

Saw a couple having a fight on the street one time and I only saw two lines of it But the girl said to the guy I Want you to stop following her on Instagram, and the guy said to her I'm not gonna do that Wow Baller and I just remember thinking that's like their entire night is this now this Would you unfollow someone for someone? I Don't probably Cuz like as soon as you everybody's in the wrong there, right?

If you ask someone to unfollow someone you're kind of like that's lame. Don't do that Don't be that person, but then if you're the guy that's like no way Why didn't you do that? Why don't you just unfollow them? Why does everybody have I think in a working relationship? Two people can't have strong opinions There's got to be an ebb and a flow yeah Sometimes I care sometimes you care most of the time I don't care sometimes you care, and I don't care and whatever I don't know but like Let's see you're saying if two people care at the same time. That's when fights happen

Yeah, when two people care a lot at the same time. That's a problem if somebody's blood is boiling in a relationship That's not good. Yeah, and if two people's bloods are boiling. That's even worse Of course Then we agree I Guess so What was the question what should he do about this should he broach the topic should he escalate the relationship? I think I'm like he escalated the relationship to the point he wanted I think I'll propose That ought to do it right

She's engaged to me now if you say something then you ruin it. Oh, no Yeah, you can't say anything what he should do is like every photo as well That's kind of a cool move a Little heart for me too Yeah, my girl and me like your topless photos bra Are you gonna bring it up because it's fucking shameful to bring up Instagram shit IRL But what is this guy gonna do if he starts posting topless photos of himself as some sort of like kind of sadistic Experiment and only he likes it

He likes it before his girl does I don't think he can ever say anything ever you can never say anything Of course not. Here's actually here's what I think okay Firstly you're wrong Sure He can bring it up, but only going forward. I don't think he can say oh I don't you would say to someone that you're dating. Hey, I noticed you like something try that on me I'm your girlfriend, and right and we just had not sex sex, but I just like blew you when it was ridiculous Like I just sucked your dick, bro

Gay Kanye Gay Kanye. Yeah con gay West So this is me on the phone looking at the photos, okay? Huh? Whoa, you like this photo What you like this photo? What are you doing right now? I was looking at Instagram, and I noticed that you like this photo of this shirtless guy. You're a fucking loser Yeah, well you just blew me

So you're a loser will you marry me or should I leave you? The answer in three weeks after I email to Jewish nerds Pippi fucking Babacock say it bitch I miss Walter I do you ended up partying with Walter I do follow him on Instagram. Do you? But I'm following his ass on Instagram. I want to watch that kid grow up right in front of my very eyes Then after Adelaide we went back to Melbourne Which is where we lived basically for the first four days even before the tour. So this was our homecoming show

Yeah, it's not really good to be back. Yeah, because we had spent the first three or four days there This Roy ended up being my bitch boy. Oh, you really think so? That's what you did tell everybody to a thunderous boom. Yeah Australia Melbourne itself was kind of like the coolest part of Australia was like the hipster in a tire city Yeah, not even in New York, but like Williamsburg specifically right like street art and meatball shops and whiskey bars And everybody has a cool haircut. Yeah, like we went to a haircut place street I got his haircut every single person got a cool haircut

They were like they were clearly like day label day laborers, right? They weren't like they weren't the kind of they weren't like Computer programmers or people you'd expect to have yeah cool haircuts. It's just everybody's Train conductors the but the their default is our coolest. Yeah So like in America, we want to be the train conductors in Melbourne Exactly because they're like they're good with their hands and they have And the Melbourne show was crazy because it was our first standing room only show We were used to like theaters where everybody's sitting down We get to Melbourne like no, there's no room for seats. Everybody's just densely packed

I think that's where I got the idea to stage dive that and you Not in this show you Jumping off the stage Everyone else failed you it was sad because I think I I think I failed because I was scared and I was scared because I would fail So I'm like, I'm gonna have to I'm gonna jump and sort of sit down Yeah, but you can't sit down on the stage Then one person ends up burying all of the way It's just the legs and the ass my back and my neck and my my head were were upright

So nobody can grab onto it. Melbourne is not to blame. Yeah, but at least it made for a funnier video truth All right, let's get to this first Melbourne question and answer All right, these are real emails that I'm gonna read from real people. We need fake names to preserve their anonymity Please don't be shy just scream it honestly right now is perfect This is great the less. I can hear you the better keep it going Absolutely loud work a confidence What? Conti

So slow, please Use country I'm begging you he did it easy using it. It's happening It's now my life is worthless at this point the smoke machine actually is pretty good. Yeah You look cool with it Me or just one does Thanks, man You are leaning towards me and I do appreciate it. All right, so that all of you guys Huh now

County writes Hey guys, I'm a 21-year-old college student and I've been dating a 29-year-old woman for about a year County they're both named country Things were going fucking amazing But she hated her paralegal job and it drove her insane so she ended up planning a trip to Europe and quitting her job She went to Europe two months ago and just got back yesterday before she left We talked about being in an open relationship while she was abroad

I thought that was fine and that I was being cool and open but as soon as she left I was getting sadly jealous I Had nightmares That's I had nightmares that she would end up fucking two dudes on MDMA or something So she got back yesterday and today we talked and guess what that's exactly what fucking happened She had a threesome with two beautiful fucking dudes And I was not one of them of course

We didn't assume you were a country I Love this girl more than anything and I want the relationship to keep going and it sounds like she had a good time But I'm feeling really fucked up. My question for you, too is Just like how the fuck do I stop thinking about this shit? Is there a trick to moving on? Is there a trick or a pill? Rum info like this. I want to be cool with it But I have an insane fear that I will never be able to satisfy her again I feel like an old pile of shit

I feel impotent and sexually useless Sorry, this is such a sad email Love country Yeah, at a nightmare That came true Did I will it into existence did I make the nightmare real today might I be a wizard of myself for that? Am I a warlock for this? Also the relationship was going great, but she was miserable at work and it drove her crazy

That's not necessarily great. She needed to take a vacation for everything was going perfect Because she wasn't fucking two other guys that weren't me at the same time Yeah, and guess what it happened. The problem is he want he agreed to be in an open relationship Which he thought was really cool of him, but then he became sadly jealous, which is the worst kind of jealous It also might be the only kind of yeah He could have he was madly and sadly jealous. Yeah, and now it came true. So how do you is there a trick? In the light the racer thing yeah, that's right Can maybe he can hit his head on the underside of a table really hard that worked in television shows

How to get amnesia exactly if he had amnesia this wouldn't be an issue Maybe the two guys that fucked his girlfriend could fuck him so hard Yeah, harder still I still remember And now I need to bring it this also We need two more guys forever He also said that they were fucking beautiful Yeah, which sounds like he's sort of invented Or maybe she's that big of a

D-bag and she's like, I'm sorry, but they were fucking really really hot Like really hot like he's just like in his own head like they were beautiful their dicks were super long And they also lasted for hours. They were on MDMA. So they actually are still fucking her It's tantric sex and it's still going on. How do I get it to stop? How do I forget that it ever happened? Love is weird like that It makes you care about shit that you wouldn't care about three months earlier This guy just met this girl and now three months later the idea of her fucking two guys just really breaks his heart

If only he didn't know her if only he never loved and lost This is beautiful keep going For what is worse To know true love and have it slip away or to never know true love at all. I would say This man should kill himself. Oh Whoa, I lost myself Yes, again In the poetry of it all I think the only way to get over

Jealousy right sadness is time in time You will start to care less about the fact that two really hot dudes fucked your girlfriend That's the longer version of time heals all whoo. Yes Yes, that's correct. Is there any way to get over it quicker? Can you force yourself not to care? Jack Daniel. Oh drinking. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a good idea I often drink to forget. Yeah Try that

You don't even remember how you got here. Who are you? We do a podcast How does that work? So what do you guys think time other than time? Someone just said roofies which I Certainly solved nothing To oh, that's what he should pitch to her should fuck him. That is so much easier said than done Trust me would be the easiest thing with the world for any girl to get railed out by as many guys as she feels like tonight and For me as a dude. Well, I could probably do it, but somebody else

Yes, yeah, it's cut to me fucking those four dudes They are ducks here We're all ducks of ourselves Think Matt Damon has ever unsuccessfully staged ove. Oh interesting. Yeah, probably not. No, I don't think he's unsuccessfully done anything He's successful all the time. Yeah, where were you saying at a restaurant that? Um, oh, yeah Do you think Matt Damon has ever been in the group of people at a restaurant and he he orders than everybody else orders? Okay, thanks, and then he's like oh actually. Yeah, I I do want

Fries instead of salad. Yeah changes like changes order at the last second No, shamefully in front of everybody definitely not Damon's also the guy that's like I'll order while you take your time He's never the guy that's like, uh, I don't really know what I want, but why don't you order and then I'll figure I go last he's never said can I go last yeah in anything? Yeah, actually someone else says can I go last and David says no actually can I go last yeah? I have to go last when Matt Damon enters a pool. Do you think he's hesitant? Do you think he steps on the side? Yeah, he like puts his ankle in and goes. Ah, wow, it's colder than I thought That's fine. It's fine. And I'm like taking another step on the steps

Yeah, he's like he's sort of bought he's on his tippy toes because he doesn't want to even go His kid jumps in he's like don't splash daddy. Haha. It's really really cold. Come on bud. No, he's never hesitant Yeah, he's always the one that dives in head first and then he comes out of the pool Yeah, like instead of shivering a towel. No Pat the shoulders He's dry rub down the legs and you're like good to go. I bet he has a nice taut. He has a taut knot Oh, yeah, that's when he ties it around his it ties around his hip. He walks to the lawn chair or nothing Yeah, can you imagine Damon tying a towel to him and taking a couple steps and it slides down

No way and then he picks up the towel and puts it over his shoulder Doesn't happen to a guy like Matt Damon. I mean anybody does put it over his shoulder Do you think it's ever asymmetrical like it's really long in the back, but only like a couple inches over the shoulder No, no, no, that's absolutely half and half. It's half and half. It's Matt and Matt. It's perfect It's Damon and you're not But I am I'm Matt Damon. Here's another clip from our Melbourne show Osbert Osbert, he's in Japan

Really? All right. Okay. This one's for Osbert who's in Japan and he loves us. Of course Osbert writes so I have a girl who has been my best friend since I was 10 I'm 24 and so is she she's been in a pretty serious relationship since college the guy sucks But she likes him and that's all that's ever really mattered to me or at least I thought she liked him So a few days ago She invited me over to watch the hangover because her boyfriend was back home and she wanted to hang out I thought nothing of it. We always watch movies together and I love the hangover So I'll fast forward through the normal old movie watching routine until we reach the scene where Heather Graham's tit is out

While she's breastfeeding Yeah My friend turns to me and asked if I thought it was hot not too weird it out I said no not really it lasted a second and she's breastfeeding Then she rewinds to the frame where a Heather Graham's tit is out and pauses the movie and asks why I don't think it's hot since she knows I love Heather Graham at this point I'm a little confused and say something dumb like just because And

Then my friend laughs and she says that she thinks I'm lying then out of nowhere She puts her hand on my crotch to feel if I have a boner We're really close, but nothing like this has ever happened. I Wasn't really hard, but as you guys once said in an episode it doesn't take much for a dick to get hard I don't remember that part, but sure All it needs is some attention and rubbing which is strangely getting you know what? I think he's thinking of a gardening podcast you listen to yeah Yeah, and he's like how do I grow turnips and all they need is a little bit of attention and rubbing you got that mix of you

All right anyway Obviously I got a boner and she laughed and said I knew you were lying, but she kept her hand there Through my athletic shorts She started sort of giving me a rub job and I quickly realized that this was escalating extremely fast I let it go on for a little longer even to the point where she gave me a little ahead But I stopped her but I stopped her because my thoughts were all over the place and my head felt like it might explode Not talking about a cum explosion he says I love my best friend She's one of the most gorgeous people I've ever met and probably one of the people I care the most about in the world

But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at least floored by this whole experience. I'm a mixed of confused scared happy concern Maybe coy To be honest with you guys I was hoping you might know any ideas on what I should do Do you think everything is okay with her and her boyfriend? I Worry she might be going through a rough time and that this this thing was her way of expressing something I just want what's best for her and if that means going for it and seeing if she wants to date all happily do it and That's not just for her sake, but if you guys think maybe she needs a friend more than whatever. I was a few nights ago

I'll do that too Thanks love Oz good in Japan This guy wants to get peer-pressured like you guys do to me Hmm thoughts Yeah, this is like the best thing that's ever happened to a nerdy friend that had a crush on his best friend that had a boyfriend Right. Yeah, and she was hot according to him, right? She also I you accidentally let her blow you And he stopped because he was confused Yeah

Confused that he might jizz everywhere I'm serious We get a hot story yeah, we get stories about sex and it just feels so anonymous But the idea of a friend touching a friend's dick for the first time is so Specifically arousing. It's like the athletic shorts as yeah It's a real thin mesh shoot the mesh got me. I was like a hook. Yeah That's porn right there. There should be a porn where it's just sort of sexual tension. Yeah. Yeah Yeah

Why I don't know yeah, yeah, I see This guy clearly is so in love with his girl and he's like I'll do it if she if it's good for her Do you think everything's okay with learner boyfriend? She's sucked my dick for a second She gave me a little head and I don't just Kissed the tip it was sort of a flick of a tongue look at the flick of the tongue Right on the tip of my urethra. Yeah, just like a Wet yeah, and then yeah, I stopped her because I was confounded. Yeah So many emotions

So this guy clearly loves his girl this girl a gorgeous friend who he's known for 14 years She blew him a little for Christ's sakes. I think it's down to have a conversation with him Like her breast was just on display this entire time. This is his fantasy It's like I love Heather Graham It's her tit while my gorgeous hot friend who I've loved for 14 years is giving me a little head Is everything coach with her in her booth? Just imagine drawing a smiley face on a marble. That's how little the head she gave me was a pee

She gave me a pee pee and I Think he's right to have a conversation with her and I think it should start with so you blew me and Then after Melbourne we went to Sydney for the first time We basically spent the first half of the trip in Melbourne and the second half in Sydney So these are like the big two cities magical beautiful city on a on a bay a harbor of itself On our Sydney show was our biggest show maybe ever I think it was we were the show had basically they opened the doors at 7 the show We were like about to go on it a 30 or 9 or something and they were still letting people in yeah

They said it was over a thousand people and they were also no seats So it was like another densely packed rock star s crowd Yeah, but it instead of having them all the way up to the stage It was that thing where there's like a barrier because they're used to like having rock and roll concerts. Yeah, so there was like a iron gate Being guarded by two security guards, right and then onto the stage walks these two guys like who wants to hear a podcast Security guards are very confused. Well, people did get rowdy in that crowd. They did and sing it. Oh, yes This is the clip. I think this is the clip you basically we got a little too drunk during the show. Yeah, we learned about sculling

There's a chant. There's a drink sculling is basically chugging. Yeah, they we were we were peer pressured, right? We were pressured by our peers. We were told that we were piss pots And it's all it's all in the clip, but just know that at the end of that like if Jake, what would you say you were at drunken wise at the start of the clip and then at the end? Man by the I probably was a five in the beginning. It was casual Then I went I went after I sculled I quickly went And there's no looking back after that there was not all right, let's get to the Sydney question and answer The first question is from a guy, but we'll use a grid when we need a lady's name. Does anybody have a guy's name we could use?

So much pressure Sandwich sandwich and he couldn't think of it. Yeah, someone gave it to him So sandwich rights God, you made me hold the mic stand for a long time What's your favorite food come on boy think you also you seize the mic like you had something to say Watch this said his brain and then it went to sleep You guys are great Sandwich rights Hello, Jake and Amir. I am a Casanova from Canada who's traveled to London Paris and Berlin in the past two weeks

And here's a problem The girls here are so fucking hot They're literally all over a seven my girlfriend My girlfriend is around an eight I Have a girlfriend who I really liked before this trip But now since I've been around Europe and I've seen the girls there I want to move and fuck shit up on the reg And here's here's the thing. That's the problem. I bought her a purse that was

$450 from Paris, but now I'm not sure I want to give it to her What should I do love sandwich? Let's give it up for sandwich I'm not sure sandwich knows what the problem is The problem is there's too many hot chicks the problem is that well he says the problem is that he bought her an expensive purse That's right. That's not the issue. Correct. What's the issue according to you? I think that he's an asshole Why Just it's like he just found out there were other attractive girls in the in the world Had he not ever like seen a TV show or read a magazine or been anywhere

Where he saw someone was more attractive than what he ranked his girlfriend as an eight Yeah, if he's never seen her nine or a ten shouldn't she have been the ten wouldn't that be the base doesn't Mathematically speaking Mathematically, I'd rather you didn't especially not here, but he does know that the scales between one and ten correct absolutely So he's no he knows everybody's an eight. He also thinks everyone being really hot is a seven. Yeah, I Don't know if he gets math This is only a real problem if you're like the hottest guy. Oh, right So he's saying like I can I'm gonna go to a fucking Paris and fuck shit up

But like we're not totally positive you can yeah What if you cannot fuck shit up? There's a very real possibility that what was his name sandwich? That's right Sandwich gets to Ferris and he's like hey, I got 450 to blow on purses for all y'all and they're just like we're good And then he doesn't get to fuck anybody so like Go with the eight It's pretty great. Didn't he say I really I really liked my girlfriend until I found out about yeah Until I found out about other women. I really liked her

Yeah, when she was literally the only woman on earth I would but I was down to hang out with her But now that I've met other women at the very least I wouldn't give her an expensive purse He's already bought the purse. I'm saying he's sort of an investment for somebody else down the line So he should get rid of his lady and give the purse to somebody else I think if he's no longer attracted to his lady, which it sounds like he is not and that's He sort of got there in a pretty douchey way, but it's still an honest opinion that he has So he does have to break up with his girlfriend and keep the purse. There's no reason to give it to her

He's in Paris. He can wear the purse In French people promise you to put on the purse That's France of all places. Enjoy the Merce. That's a male purse. I know so you say what? Break up with your girlfriend hang on to the purse That's your advice always Break up with her girlfriend and buy a purse. I would I would add hand It's nice that there's sort of like an echo whenever I say it so like let's try it So loud gotta comes right back

It's like they're all saying it into a microphone, too. Yeah, but their microphone is the other people here poetic It's not but thank you Well, this is something that's come up on the show before it seems like you have when you're in a relationship I think Thomas said this that it seems like you can have any other girl you want and the one thing holding you back is your current lady and Then you you break up and then you're like, oh wait I can't get these ladies just because it's it's kind of difficult to do that. It wasn't because of her

It's being single doesn't mean that you can fuck anybody. It's like, you know morally speaking you can But other people have to want to fuck you. Yeah, that's that's a huge part of it Right, I would say that's almost as important as the part where you want to fuck them I would say it's more than we agree. We actually don't because we said different things I'm sorry, I'm kind of wasted right now. You oh you did pick up your drink We learned about sculling the other day Was that a chance was that a song it was a song you guys have a song about sculling That was the national anthem what's it wait wait we guys sing the sculling song one more time

Sorry, I went to a footy match. So I'm sort of into that shit now. Oh What the fuck happened there that was the coolest thing you've ever done You chugged in front of a thousand people then you draw you hit it really square That was the most impressive athletic thing I've ever seen And Then the most impressive acting job was him acting like that wasn't a small miracle that he kicked it so well Like that was status quo Then you sit down on a stool the coolest type of chair

And you stare back at the crowd my god, man Can I blow you? If I blew him who would get up and leave some of you would probably have to right What a weird thing that would be how was the show it was good. Oh, I'm here blew Jake Yeah, he kicked the cup so well That he got blown it was awesome Is

There a song about sipping whiskey I'd like to hear that song Say the whiskey The most supportive yeah, they'll chant even in moderation This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and It's not necessarily easy to find a therapist

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Slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% Off your first purchase of a website or domain again Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial everything looks good. Let's launch it Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase Thank you Squarespace The Sydney show is the success the successful stage dive. Yeah, that's the one where I There was a little tentative less fun to watch but more fun to do exactly the fail videos are better But the successful videos feel right. I learned basically from my mistake with the Melbourne show

Sydney felt like the big closer because it was so big and we went out after and got crazy town Yeah, and then we just had two more shows after we had to keep going Is this the way to in that clip do I did I say should I too? That was when I trust fault. Oh, no That was later on in the show. Oh, so that didn't is that not make the cut. Yeah. No, this is this was earlier on the Yeah, I didn't use that. We didn't use that question answer. That was the funniest clip I'm sorry. Oh, but we should say that we did get videographers to come with us to Melbourne Oh, yeah, so maybe you'll maybe you'll see it. Our boys Basil and Dylan. Yeah, Baz Dill They they took video of us before during and after the show to make a cool mini featurette

Documentary type thing about the shows so that's gonna be exciting Then after Sydney we're off to do more shows including the one in Perth Which is Insanely, I guess the second most remote city in the world. Yes It's like America if America was just Boston, New York, DC And then on the other side of the country was Los Angeles, right and in the middle is just a blank. Mm-hmm. Yeah the outback Right. Oh, yeah a brush a bush that'll kill you mm-hmm a snake that will kill you right basically different things that will kill you And then the outback. What's that?

It's so empty that they have like two names further nothing in the middle of it. Oh really? I didn't know that yeah, you want when you go you're in the city then you're in I think it's the bush not the brush It's the bush. That's like another layer. Yeah, that's like nature just around the cities And then you get into the outback. That's the real that that's where you'll that's where you die You can die a lot in the in the bush. Do you almost died in Perth actually? I did die in Sydney. I Was born again Perth shows were extra exciting because I guess not a lot of people come to Perth. So we're excited to be there This is oh

Yeah from our last show Here's another question and answer from our live show in Perth, Australia Crandis writes. Oh shit. This is a girl Crandis is sort of a It's pretty it's a pretty ambiguous name you guys Crandis works as a woman. All right Crandis an androgynous woman writes Hey guys, I'm a chemical engineer at an Ivy League University So I have access to some pretty nice plastics and silicons Don't worry it gets better

There is this thing I do to seem really cool sexy and spontaneous where I will invite a guy I'm dating to the lab just to show him what I do and where I work, but really we just end up having sex Usually after this to make myself and science seem even cooler. I'll create a mold of his dick Which I then used to make an exact silicone replica Essentially, I end up with a high-quality dildo made from a silicone formula I created myself and then even after we break up. I still keep them Huh? Confused Kanye my current boyfriend found a couple boxes of the old dildos

And was furious He was mad that my bringing him to the lab trick had been used on other guys And he said that using any of the dildos I made was essentially cheating on him He also said that if there was any hope for our relationship, I needed to get rid of them I love him and I'll stop using them, but I don't care, but I can't bear to part with them They are really nice and a lot of and a lot of work went into making each one. I Need your advice. Should I just deal with the agony of tossing them? What if I just put them into storage and say I got rid of them

Do you think what I did was cheating? Thanks love Crandis let's get over Crandis I guess first things first Do you think using a dildo of a replica of your ex-boyfriend's dick is cheating? I feel like people throw the word cheating around It's what you what he's wants to say is it's really hard for me to deal with yeah And he likes to say cheating because nobody likes a cheater, right? Like I don't want to be a cheater, but like what he's really saying is like I'm sort of a coward here and

All those dildos looked pretty big Who's dick was that Did I just meet the guy whose dildo made that dick and what did the rest of him look like? Yeah, he was tall and handsome Michael Angelo's David a couple boxes Fuck yeah What a cool move she has I bring them to the lab fuck them and make a dildo of them Yeah, it really it almost does make science cool That's the closest you'll get

Definitely not actually cool So what do you think that what do you think about this girl do you feel bad for her? Do you think she's actually violating her boyfriend's trust? Of course not But I also feel like this is the difference between like girls cheating and guys cheating like guys they like actually cheat Yeah girl that she is just like has a fake penis of somebody else and he doesn't even know that she uses them She just has them and he says this is cheating. Yeah Fuck him. It's not cheating. It's just having a dildo, right? How many fleshlights do you have made of their the vaginas of your old conquests?

I actually have a fleshlight that looks exactly like Crandis really You just cut it down the middle. Oh turn it inside out from spine to front And have at it like a Tim Tam like you're drinking milk through a Tim Tam Sort of an Adelaide thing. What? Those crap fuckers Those yabby wankers yabby I'm not a hundred percent sure this little guy likes being in the spotlight. Are you getting warm Crandis? Kill me. Oh we will

Should she stand her ground should she stand firm and say I'm not getting rid of this box of dildos I would lie. I mean that's pretty innocuous. It's fine to lie. It's a good white lie. Yeah, just to say hey I why is it so painful to get rid of the dildos? I think it's like because it's it's nostalgia It's like look at all these times. I did this cool thing. It's a souvenir of a well-begone era I feel like putting the things into storage is practice getting rid of them because how often do you ever go to a storage thing, right? And like sift through your old dildos. Yeah, you might as well just put them into storage for a year And if your boyfriend says did you get rid of them? You say of course I got rid of them and then in a year if you haven't even looked at them then you can get rid of them

That's a good idea. That's like what you do with digital storage like I'm gonna put all my pictures on an external hard drive Right, and then you just don't ever why would you look at them? Yeah, and then one day you lose the hard drive You're like that's okay. I never ever looked at it in any way. No, I was a little sad to lose a hard drive. That's a nice Yeah, especially if it was in the shape of a dildo Grab your whiskey buddy. What? Your whiskey's been on the ground since the goddamn beginning You don't even know where it is No, no, no, no, no, no, I vomited this morning. That's correct, but still All right, you talk while I get it. Oh

Good job, bro. Thank you Her other question was oh should she get rid of the dildo? No, is it cheating? No. Oh, yeah, of course. It's not cheating Did anyone here think it's cheating? Oh, wait if she you think it's cheating if she uses it dildo. Do you think it's cheating if a guy looks at porn? You don't You're a you're an anti-feminist You're a masculist Wait, you're saying it is cheating if you use a dildo of an ex-boyfriend

Cuz it's related to the feelings you have what if your ex just had a sick dick Yeah, did you keep in mind that it's possible the ex just had a sick dick also keep him This would a hundred percent not be a problem if he discovered the box of dildos and everyone had a smaller dick than him What this email said was and they were all better than my dick Yeah, cuz if they were if I found this if if my theoretical girlfriend who I'll never have has a box of dildos and I found them and my dick was better. I'd be like fuck. Yeah Keep all those dildos as a reminder of whose dick is the best. Yeah But I mean if you make a necklace of your dildos

If you found if you were dating someone and she's like oh, I have a trophy of every guy I fucked and it's in the shape of their dick. Would you be like that's fine? I'm cool with it And she's like oh sometimes I'll fuck myself with them with the trophy dicks Would you say that's okay, too, or would you also want her to get rid of them? Well, I can Both is the answer. I'm a hundred percent not okay with it and a hundred percent in the wrong when I say it When you say what when I say don't you can't look or touch the dildos that you made of your exes Oh, so you're not okay. Anyone can do whatever the fuck they want all I'm allowed to say is that it really really bothers me

And then you make that that's but that's a broader thing. It's like you never tell someone what to do You just say that it bothers you and hope that they arrive at their own conclusion Which is to throw the dildos away not to throw them away, but to lie about their existence So everyone's liven to each other humanity. I say hey, this makes me feel shitty and she says oh well Then you don't even have to think about it anymore, and then she's hiding it I would like her to show up at a storage or a friend's house with a box of dildos Not just a box, but several boxes. Yeah, right dildos Can we bury these? Oh the hole will have to be much bigger. Yeah

And then I have many dildos and then she hears it like the tell-tale heart Yeah, that's vibrators dildos are different Thank you everybody Then that was it that was that was basically the End of our tour then we had to take a 90 I think a 91 hour flight back to yeah It was roughly 90 it was five hours to Sydney in the 91 home I ended up taking that ambient, you know you actually are still I am rolling rolling hard

I was afraid to take I was afraid to take it and then I decided to say fuck it I'm gonna throw caution to the wind. Yeah, I said you know what I'm not gonna let some Silly side effects scare me you actually said to your dad I don't think I'm gonna take the end and he said it's fine. You should take yeah He slapped me in the face. He called me a boy. He called me a little pussy boy No, son of mine. Happy Father's Day. By the way. Yeah, that's true man. That's that's that's true man The ambient really did work. Yes. Yeah, I was asleep sitting up endorsing drugs for nine for nine hours Obviously you need a prescription. So good luck getting it, but I I got it because of my

Yeah, I mmm glaucoma. Yeah. Yeah, of course. Absolutely dangerous one All right, that's it. That's our best questions and answers from the Australia tour. What an amazing adventure We really did have a great time shout out to Shrimpy. Oh shit our tour guide. Yeah, not to get to a manager tour manager who brought us around Could not have done it without him Yeah, and the free shit men that opened up for us in every single city got tattoos of our faces Oh, and every single fan that came out to the show who made it worthwhile for us to come back. Hopefully soon Yeah, we're definitely go back to Australia. I think though it's summer though. Yeah, I want to feel the heat

Yeah, me too. I want to I want to feel the heat with somebody I want to dance with somebody With somebody who loves Matt Damon Thank you again to everybody who came out thanks you to Billy specifically who wrote us the opening theme song and the closing Theme song a different theme song both from Billy from Adelaide, Australia If you have your own questions your own theme songs your own Facebook thumbnail submissions Please send them all to if I were you show at gmail.com back next week with a good old-fashioned Podcast none of this best of shit anymore. Yeah, what is this clip show?

Here these two guys give advice at his best, they're not qualified, but they'll be put to the test So if you have problems don't shed a tear just send an email Just send an email just send an email to James You