If I Were You - 16: Drunk

Episode Date: August 19, 2013

In this episode we get a little tipsy... then discuss homophobia, long distance friendship, and Jake's family vacation.This episode is brought to you by Harrys.com -- Great shaving products, at a very inexpensive price. Check them out and use coupon code "ifiwereyou" to potentially win free blades for a year!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

I've got a sticky situation E-mail me red jade, they'll give you a name that's fake If all else fails when the prom prevails It's easy to change, falling dreams Hashtag dope, if I were you All right, hashtag dope That was really tight I like that hashtag dope shout out

You know what it sounds like at the beginning Is dream of californication I thought it was the red hot chili peppers when it started That was like holy shit But instead it was Connell Prichard Ooh, hey everyone Interesting name Connell Prichard does not sound like somebody that plays folksy music on a guitar

What does it sound like? It sounds like somebody, it sounds like a republican senator Oddly enough it's both if you could do that Senator Pro Temp from Tennessee The floor is yours If you got a sticky situation Holy shit, it's beautiful I'll pass all the laws

Anyway, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet Hosted by us, I'm Amir And I'm Jacob And this episode is kind of cool and different for two reasons One, I called myself Jacob All right, three reasons One, you called yourself Jacob All right

Two, we're drinking during it We're getting drunk as flunk More so you than me I'm already, I showed up here, gone Gone, high, deaf, and dumb If anything I should be drinking coffee But fuck that, I'm getting wasted It's 9.52pm on Saturday night

And we thought it would be fun to while we're drinking Record an episode, which is either a great idea And it'll loosen us up and make us funnier Or the worst idea we've ever had Right, yeah, I think it's the second one But I just wanted to get drunk There's definitely some people who have never heard this episode Who just heard that for the first time

And turned it off I want to watch, listen to two losers get drunk We should have been doing this as a video episode Because Amir drinks so rarely That I think I'm more excited Than anyone that could possibly be listening right now Right, it's good to like document it in video Because otherwise people won't believe you

Wait, what's the third reason? The third reason, what was the third Oh, you haven't heard some of these questions Oh, that's right, usually we We never know what we're going to say But usually we choose the questions together And this time I was coming back from a family vacation I missed the screening of the questions

And I'm going in blind That's right, so these questions Not only have you guys never heard of them But Jacob hasn't heard of them either So also if I'm not funny during this It's because I'm drunk, okay Not because I've never heard the questions before I'm usually good on the fly

Usually Jacob's copious notes and bits and riffs That are ready to go for every possible question But this time he is completely and utterly blind about it Alright, should we Let's take a swig of this Gatorade bottle That I filled with vodka We'll do that and I'll explain what the rules are Okay

We have an email address if I were you Show at gmail.com And people can submit questions You know, when they're in a difficult place I'll take over here, you go ahead, you drink this In a sticky situation, you email us And we might not be helpful But we are going to do our best to make fun of you

And at least Make you feel a little more light-hearted about your situation That's right, and you can also email us If you have a theme song submission Connell gave a great one earlier And now we need more We always need more We feed off of these, okay

It is cool how talented our fanbase is So much more talented than us Yeah, all we can do is talk Humorously Actually, if you go back to episode one I actually play the first theme song And yeah, it's awful Yeah, well don't go back, don't go listen to it

But just know that I can strum the guitar At the very least I can strum the guitar I can strum it So these are real emails from real people To preserve their anonymity Yeah, I already have a theme in my head Cool, sorry Yeah, so that's that

Why don't we get started as it were As it were This one comes from Zach I'm fucked up I'm like Adam and Sweat And I'm Jonzo You're already fukin'

Zach just gave us the bonus question That's when we do a little bump of cocaine Jesus How do you know it's the bonus question Alright, this one's from Zach So we're gonna do some cocaine We're not doing cocaine I already feel borderline

I already feel bad enough drinking on this goddamn thing It's funny that you said uh oh Because my brother Ben said that That's one of his favorite bits that you do And I don't even know that if you knew that it was a bit Oh, is it like when I say uh oh Yeah, you're just like whenever you go into Like hey I hate myself and uh oh

I wake up and I'm still there Yeah, I love it Uh oh because it's so like playful And positive I'm doing cocaine And uh oh I'm the worst human being In the world I'm suicidally depressed

My bad I am bad Alright, alright, alright First question, this one comes from Zach My deal is I've been single For a long time after a series of terrible relationships And I've kind of reached the point Thinking maybe I'm better off alone

However, I've met this really sweet girl Who I like a lot And I think she likes me too But I'm worried that if we get together The relationship will share the same fate as all the others have I'm sure I sure as shit Don't want to hurt this girl And I'm a little scared of being hurt again too

I guess my question is If every relationship you've had in the past Failed miserably Toad off for being awesome Sincerely Zach Jesus Christ, I'm not fucking ready for this Christ man I was like, this was like a playful

Shit and this guy's like Yeah, I took a swig of vodka and now I think I might cry I just drank a fifth of vodka Daring me to cry Hi, my name's Zach and I don't believe in love Well does this resonate with you at all? Uh, you know what I think it resonates at all

I think it resonates with me a little too much Um, yeah, shit I don't know But you think it's like maybe if everyone has one person Then you're gonna go through a lot And uh, until you find that one person The full one person that makes you realize That maybe all your relationships were doomed

Do you think everyone has one person? Do you think everyone has one person? Probably not, I'm very logical and mathematical There's probably, you know, if like Your soulmate is one in a million There's what Six hundred, six thousand of them on earth Right, that's nice, that's kind of actually

You know, as logical as that is, it's sort of nice to think about it Like that Here's where I'm coming from I agree with you a little bit I don't think there's such thing as one person for everybody So I think since there's so many people to choose out there And you haven't been able to do it yet, Zach I think there's something wrong with you, buddy

Oh my god, you ass I can't tell if I'm talking to Zach or looking in a mirror right now But I think I think you're a monster What? Why? Just because Everything, he's very self aware He's saying that he's had terrible relationships He's sort of already blaming himself

And he's afraid that he's going to hurt this girl preemptively You absolutely will If that's what you're afraid of, you will Here's another thing, maybe all those relationships were doomed Because they were the first, second and third relationships You've had Maybe you have to go through a ton of relationships To realize, to find out what you want

So you get better when you're drunk You get more positive One, you're more experienced than two year older With age comes wisdom With experience comes wisdom And maybe this is the girl that turns it all around I believe in true love and you should stay together forever And Zach, I think

You are a Jerk of the human, actually I know I'm kidding, I'm with you I fucking, yeah, totally It's true, you get better With time, you learn, you grow And maybe now Since you've got all these bad relationships

Under your belt, you're ready But it takes to not let a good thing go Yeah, you don't preemptively break up with someone Because all of your previous relationships were bad Right, at the very least I wouldn't do that I just go into it with an open mind And Just try to not be so hard on yourself

That being said, Zach, if this one fails I mean, at four, I feel like You've reached your threshold You've had the entire buffet And it's time to go home And that's enough, you're a full serve Hey, this is not all you can eat Be your wingman, pal

Because, yeah, I've had more than four failed relationships And I'm not trying again So let's do this, let's hit the town, Zach Me and you, picture me and you At this table drinking a vodka Gatorade God, that's Weird for me because Where does that put me? I don't know, me and Zach

I really think we could nail a podcast We already got Toda down Alright, thanks for writing in, Zach Toda Toda Rubba, let's go on to question Number two Question numero duo This one comes from

AC Slater I'm still trying to figure out the theme Zach, I know I'm about to start My freshman year of college and after Talking to my roommate, I think he might be gay Which I have no problem with I know that just because he's gay

Does not mean he will try anything with me But it would make me uncomfortable If he did end up hitting on me What do you do if that happened? How should I handle overnight guests? Even if he's straight, I don't know What to do if he brings a girl home Uh, what?

This email Started off so Seemingly positive Saying he might be gay Which I don't have a problem with But it seems like he does have a problem with that Right, it's so subtle What if he did end up hitting on me?

I think, dude, no Based on this question, you're not anyone's type That's such a funny thing I feel like I was probably I guess, you know, he can't like fault him totally Because he's like 17 years old And I was probably that dumb Like, oh man, if my roommate's gay

What if he hits on me? You're not that Fucking hot, dude Every gay guy in the world Do you imagine when you're walking down the street Every girl wants you? Why would you assume that for every guy? If I go into a situation Thinking that some girl is going to be hitting on me

That's, no You're so full of yourself I realize that a good way to find out How homophobic you're actually being Is to replace gay with a nationality And just that It makes it come off as so much more racist For example, I think he might be black

Which I have no problem with I just know that just because he's black Doesn't mean he'll try anything But it would make me uncomfortable if he ended up talking to me What would you do? How would you handle overnight Guess, even if he's white I don't know what to do if he brings home a girl Yeah, that put it into perspective

Didn't they see You're a meanie You're not as open-minded as you think You're small-minded But you know what? College is about Expanding your horizons So, I personally hope he is gay Maybe you need to not be so closed-minded

And you know, if he does hit on you I personally hope you want to kiss him on the mouth back Yeah, because you know what? College is about new experiences And if he does, if he's straight and he brings someone home Then hop into bed with them Uh-oh, uh-oh Suddenly you're having a menage toit

Only instead of two girls and a guy It's three dudes And a pizza place How is that for fair? I don't know what to tell this guy What does that mean? It's college One is sort of a weird

Homosexual Homophobic question The other one is just like Very standard What do I do if my roommate brings someone home? I don't know, leave or stay there and try to sleep Have you ever been sexiled? Me?

My roommate freshman year God bless him He was a good man He was a good man No, he's not, he's just a bad man I'm just not trying to talk shit about anyone on the podcast My roommate Ken I'm trying to think of a fake name

My roommate Ryan Nice Ken Ryan I didn't say Ken My roommate Ryan He didn't have anyone sleep over During my freshman year

And did you? I think that I had a couple Guests over freshman year But you didn't sexile Ken No, Ken You wanted him to be there for it You sick fuck You got off to the fact that

It was Ken's goddamn sister You wanted him to hear that You needed him to hear that Deep down in places you don't talk about At parties You, you Ken Ryan You lieutenant Ken I think

Well there's something kind of sexy about like We have to be quiet But it's never as quiet as you think it is in your head No, we're being so quiet Meanwhile the roommate And then Ken the next day just like not really talking to me Like how was last night? What are you talking about? I just went to bed

I heard your mushy humping You can't silence the sound of Two wet genitals Rubbing up against each other College was the best Wet genitals and futon springs That was it You had a futon in your door room?

Yeah dude I was sort of a beast in that regard In what regard? Yeah man like I'm 28 years old Still bragging about having a futon Yeah actually man Listen to this shit We ended up going to Walmart

Freshman year We bunked the bed so we had all this space You know what I'm saying We ended up getting this futon For 99 bucks You were a beast Nah shit was tight I was a beast in that regard In the futonly speaking

I was sort of in beast mode Throughout college One of those metal thingies You know what I'm saying So it was very light getting it up to the top of the third floor In the hasler hall You can't do that Can you? You can just move in your own furniture

I mean I guess If you're a beast In that regard The dean sort of has like this beast claws You're anyone's allowed to have a futon in college You can loft your own bed And add a futon underneath it

I guess there's probably different rules for different colleges But the one that I went to I'm actually feeling a little drunk right now Are you? Pretty tipsy Stand up for a sec I'm afraid to I just fall over

I knock my microphone over One more question and then a break Or should we take the break now Let's try to do one more question I feel like we went off the deep end with that one We started out talking about homophobia And ended up talking about my futon How did we get there

What a long walk we took Alright This one is from Screech I was invited to go on a trip With my girlfriend and her mom We'd be driving for 20 hours straight And I'd like to spend time with my girlfriend The thing is her parents are really mean

And her dad doesn't know that I'm coming He's not even going on the trip So I don't want to piss him off if he finds out Because he'd never approve of me going What should I do What? Well I think we got to this guy too late I think this trip already happened

But what a weird weird weird The trip that he didn't go on The parents both hate you But the mom's still down to bring you As long as she hides it from her husband Who would be livid to find out That you went on the trip With her and his mom

And you want to go on this terrible Terrible trip so you can spend time With your girlfriend in secret With her mom who hates you This guy is so lovably nice I feel like we usually have questions That make me hate Or question askers

But this guy seems like an amazingly Kind soul He's considering going on this trip Despite the fact that both of her parents Hate him And he's going to be in the car with the mom And the dad would disapprove if he found out You sound amazing

Maybe he's like an asshole But his question is worded in such a nice way He's like a very emotionally abusive boyfriend It's like why are we siding with him Anyway I don't know if I should go My girlfriend's a real whale I tell her all the time But I don't want to share a hotel room with her

That orca, that she orca I'm just afraid I don't have a hose to just hose her down When we get to the dry hotel room That is not fair What? That's what you said Did I? So what should he do?

It seems like you should If I were you I think I know what you're going to say Hide in the trunk And then at every gas station Have the girlfriend I heard about on the news the other day Made me sick

Vietnamese are always vaguely Trying to quote Stan By Eminem Just know how many references have you picked up So far this episode What should you do? I guess if you're going to be with your girlfriend Despite the fact that her parents

Don't like you Spend as much time as possible with her parents Or spend as much time as possible trying to win them over That's what I'm saying The parents aren't even going, dad's not there But you know what you got to do is win the mom over It's easier to win the mom over And especially on a road trip

Long drive like oh let me take the wheel You're tired I can drive I'm in a, I'm in a, I'm in a That was you That really was you You're going to call me out for stuttering I can barely breathe

I'm illiterate I've noticed actually Cut to us Man I fucking love you dude I fucking, since you're the best You're funny on the fucking clock We just edited out two minutes of us making out At the end of that fight

Holy shit No I think this is your chance This is the chance to get in on the mom's good side Have you ever had a parent dislike you? Yeah Have you ever had a parent's over before? Because of them or because of you? I remember my first girlfriend

When I first met her I had just dropped out of college I had just dropped out of my second college So I was, I was Failed out of one college Dropped out of another And her dad met me I worked in an ice cream store and I was like

Your life was going nowhere How old were you? This is when I was 20 Wow So you were Freshly 20 2006 I had the eyebrow ring

Thank god you took that off before you worked at college Humor You would have been known as that loser forever That's true Crutches for four years You would never live down the eyebrow ring I don't think we would be where we are If I started with an eyebrow ring

I guarantee we would not That's how close-minded and small I am Anyway, the guy that Was worried that his roommates gave That's how close-minded Amir is You guys should be roommates Who am I to judge is what you're saying But I remember, I mean

If you really like the girl, this is what happened with me I just really liked the girl so I stuck around And eventually they like you Because I think what the parents ultimately want Is somebody that's good to their daughter I don't brag a lot But here's one really big brag that I have Is that I'm great with girl friends' parents

Oh I can see that I think I'm great with middle-aged women In general You're great with parents, you just came Amir just came on vacation in Nantuck with my family And when you left Number one We had a bad day

It was just not as fun Which is what I hope for I said I hope when I leave you guys have a bad day And you pin it on me not being there We were at the beach and my mom was like I'm part of the family And that's something my mom Might say about multiple people

Because she's sort of like flowery But then my sisters And my dad agreed I don't even think he thinks That I'm part of the family I think your dad Called me the son he wishes he'd ever had He had two sons

And he likes Amir But yeah everybody was like I feel so comfortable around Amir Amir's part of the family What do you think that is? I guess because I think because you were just like joking around with people And you like Yeah but also like I felt in Nantuck

And I could just like leave a room and you'd be fine Right well I guess I'm very comfortable with your family Although I did make one mistake Which is when you came here tonight I bought A football and a frisbee For the house to have in quotations Everyone was very touched by that gesture

Because you guys didn't have a football and a frisbee Then when I left We played football we played with the frisbee That's great to hear The other day we played a great game of family football And everyone had a fun That's an amazing gift that I gave But then when I landed I jokingly texted Jake

Hey just realized I want slash need the football And frisbee Which is like a joke we would make Though I never said just kidding I thought you thought I was kidding I would get home from the beach and I had so many texts Like so many emails and I just saw that And then you came over today

You just got back from Nantucket and you had the football and the frisbee You gave it to me back Your family thinks I'm a huge asshole I can't believe you're coming at me right now Like I fucked that up You really did Why are you taking the football and the frisbee Oh Amira

He wants it back That's a fucking petty he is He doesn't want you guys to have it anymore It didn't even occur to me that it was weird That you wanted it back Or even like Jesus I thought this was for us So you didn't like you weren't like offended when I asked for it No I was just like oh he bought it he wants it

What a mean gesture For me to give a gift for four days and then demand it back I thought you just wanted a football to have Did we play with football Yeah we played with football I would like a football to have actually But now I have it under the wrong pretense I don't want it

Oh my god You're showing me what This is from I don't even know what we're doing We're finally drunk We did it Such a tangent This podcast is two hours long

Does that count as a break I think so That was a love letter I told you you're part of my family And then we talked about how I accidentally brought home a football That's the most beautiful thing This show is sponsored By BetterHelp If you're finding yourself in a difficult

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Licensed help And it's extra affordable That's betterhelp If I were you Check him out Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show Wow For years and years and years

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Amir Blumenfeld Is a gooddude.com I bet that's available And you can have it today And you can buy it through Squarespace And build an awesome website dedicated to me Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life And maybe you wanna give somebody a gift

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Or domain Again Squarespace.com Free trial Just use that offer code To save 10% off that first purchase Thank you Squarespace Oh here's another thing that I wanted to mention In the middle of the show

Which is where we're at now Last week We talked about Some guy we called Uncle Jesse Who was debating whether or not he should hook up with his neighbor And it was a terrible idea You said it was a good idea And then you went on to say that

Do you remember exactly what you said? I believe I said if he was asking us Then he already has And I got an email or text message From Uncle Jesse And he confirmed that you were correct That I was right? He was correct

So he said He was very impressed by your call That he had already hooked up with her But that's me Shit That's how I operate But I also got an update on the situation This is our first updated situation

I'm enthralled The update is though She was a little too pushy this week A lot of text and she even cold knocked on my door one night So I put the kibosh on her Told her we should be buds And I said oh so do you regret it or not He said I do not regret it

Cause nothing crazy stalker has happened There we go no regrets You looked at me like you were right No I guess you were right But that specific situation Could have been a lot worse and it could get a lot worse Right no that's tough the cold knock is definitely tough That's a dangerous territory

Yeah that's a red flag for sure I think it was good to put the kibosh on a pal But at least he did Like you called had already slept with her Yeah that's amazing and you know what Let it cool off for a month and then you can fuck again I swear to god man You don't get it you really can

By the way by the time this podcast airs He's already sleeping with her again He's going out with her Like Babe Ruth pointed a left field He's pointing at a girl's vagina in the back I guarantee you by what is it Saturday right now Yeah By Monday you fucked her again friend

I do not think that's true Let's do it I want to go two for two Double or nothing Oh mercy That's his line mercy Oh yeah have mercy Alright this is a question from Lisa Turtle This is also a very sweet

Sentimental question So set your brain to that Good evening gentlemen my best friend And I am currently about to face the worst predicament imaginable We are being forced to break up And drift in separate directions Sailing alone in the sea of life Did you just burp

I just beauted a little bit My best friend is going away to college I'm half away from me I'm deeply depressed because we do everything together We work together, hang out together, live in the same small town We are what you say creepily obsessed with each other I can't go one freaking day without her People at work often say being around you two makes me want to kill myself

I don't understand why I think they are just jealous of our hashtag dope relationship But don't understand our abnormal sense of humor My question to you brilliant fellows Is how will I ever live without my partner And crying by my side How do you guys would live without each other Sincerely Lisa Turtle

This is really really perfect for this podcast Because now we are like a little tipsy Feeling a little sentimental But that's what happens In college your high school friends drift apart But it's not permanent Lisa Turtle It's not And just because this girl is far away

She's not even that far away She's only an hour and a half away Yeah it's not bad at all You know two encouraging things Number one Most of Amir's friends Are from high school I didn't make any friends in college

In fact I was like a mean angry college kid Some would say I alienated myself Because I figured I had maxed out You're still known on the Berkeley campus as the hermit As an alien As an alien hermit troll And I also did something very similar I don't have a single friend

From facebook, from hunter college Where I went to college And I stayed friends with a lot of kids from high school That's how it goes You guys can't stay friends Though that's not to say that you shouldn't make friends in college I think we're both If she wants to make this relationship work

She wouldn't speak to anyone else Make any single other friend Because you're all that she needs But you know another thing is I moved to LA two years ago And me and Amir were separated For an entire year It's true but it was the most difficult year of my life

Completely unrelated to you moving to LA If anything it was I mean I was a goddamn distraction And nothing In a weird turn of events I stubbed my toe every hour For a year I thought I had some kind of weird form of epilepsy But it was insane how it happened

Pain turrets Like some sort of weird groundhogs day Where I would just stub my toe every top of the hour I think that you guys can stay friends Especially if it's only an hour and a half away Just stay in touch But give each other space too I mean you don't want to be the friend that's like

She's going out Maybe she's going to make a third friend You guys can start a trio A tribe Or if she makes a new friend She'll abandon you Which is also pretty chill Oh Miranda's so funny

You and Miranda You wouldn't really like Miranda Just because she's not really your seed Let's me and you do something Because me and Miranda are going to go get high You guys are drugs No you don't like drugs No I was telling her

I'm high as a kite You're faking it Miranda does it for real Alright speaking of that's the fourth question It's Molly time We've been getting drunk to this podcast But now we're doing a little bit on Molly A little bit cocaine

Pop the fourth question We're sweating So yes There's no hope for you yet Lisa Turtle Yeah totally there's hope Now it's even easier with Skype I remember trying to video chat What is now my ex-girlfriend

When I was in college in 2002 And it was the most rudimentary Half-assed Remember the Logitech webcams That were on Spear It upgraded every two frames Barely here What all you cared about was just screenshotting the one time she showed you her tits

Well not necessarily that But now you can FaceTime You can have real life video chat From your phone without wifi And it's only getting better and better I remember having Logitech And being like I am on the cutting edge I could not imagine

Real time FaceTime Holy shit It was so low quality Me and my college girlfriend would 100% still be together if that existed I guarantee it The only thing that split us apart was the frame rate At which we can video chat with each other Nothing else

Literally nothing else Mercy I have to stop saying that Alright That's the next t-shirt I think you're not allowed to have that Because it's someone else's catchphrase I will definitely not

I'm still working on Seize the Cheese over here I'll take a picture of your face that says oh mercy I have a moment You were about to say You were about to say Alright We're at the half hour marks But let's get through one more question

Let's do it Let's Seize the Cheese and squeeze one more in One more sweat from this Gato Rahm This is We're getting silly now Did you guys think this was a good idea or a bad idea What do you think people will think I feel like you know what I think

It's a good idea at the top Like oh this is funny By the end I bet there's going to be a lot of questions You're a little immediate You're a little hard to understand Your words are being slurred I'm not quick-witted right now

Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth I know that this is an independence day No wait no oh fuck see how slow I am I thought that was Will Smith in Independence Day That's Chris Tucker in Rush Hour Like much like in real life When you're drunk you just assume everyone loves you

But then when you're sober people hate you Yeah like I'm just like Song that you will find me Car beneath the landslide People if I can love this on it I'm singing it so well The champagne supernova Like in my mind

That's awesome this is so fun And the thing is people listen to podcasts At their most sober They're at work They're at the gym This is someone's 9am commute Through traffic and it's my Saturday night Drunk as fuck ready to go out

In lower Manhattan you know what I'm saying That was that fair I had a tight futon game in college y'all Listen listen I was on that tight futon shit I fucking Lifted it up turned it into a bed When necessary lifted it up

Turned it into a sofa That's me and Ken Ryan What madden did you guys play I didn't actually play mad and I just didn't I had no idea what people actually did on futon Did you guys did you play do you have a video game That you equate with your freshman year of college No I never play video games

I do I do It's fine it's fine Everybody else says halo I remember thinking I wanted to break my roommates Halo game in half so they couldn't play anymore Just the cd snapped into two That's what I wanted to do

Just break it in half and put it back in the box That's what halo 2 is actually You break the halo in half and then you put the broken cd in Alright one last question Mr. Belding writes Fake name real question real email real person So I'm a junior at University of Washington And I'm a political science major

I have straight a's and going to law school After graduation My girlfriend on the other hand is a sophomore In college I'm not a pedophile And is majoring in philosophy She always compares our workloads And says that I have it so easy She has bad grades

And isn't going anywhere in life And I swear she wants to mooch off me when I'm a lawyer Should I break up with her And date a smart girl Or should I keep her around for the sex I'm dying over here You son of a bitch You absolute asshole

My favorite part though Is listening to you read that question Because it's like even if I didn't understand the words Even if I zoned out and didn't listen to what you were saying You're like, you're read of that It's filled with hate for that guy This is probably the worst person That's ever written in right

Should I dump my dumb ass girlfriend Yes if that's the way you think of your girlfriend She should dump you We should fucking find out who she is And be like hey Your boyfriend's a goddamn piece of shit Who doesn't appreciate you I cannot believe that you

Would write such a rude email About someone you're supposedly In love with You know what we should do is answer this question In his perfect world This is what he wants this answer to be Ready Holy shit a pimp and a philosopher

Writes in Should I dump my Finally someone who's doing something with his life I mean this girl is just a Biatch You gotta get rid of that dead weight She's holding you back She thinks her works as hard as you

No I don't think so man you're a lawyer Do you know the kind of poon you're gonna be able to pull Girls that respect you Girls that know you're a million times smarter And a million times more successful than they could ever be And this girl sounds like a real She really does sound like a grade A poon Annie With her bad grades

She's not going anywhere Let's take this one step further Most girls are actually like this girl But finding a girl who appreciates you For the awesome man that you are This is what you do you keep her for the sex Obviously you gotta get your D-dubs But at the same time once you find that

Hot lawyer chick you gotta cut that ball And chain off let her drift to the bottom of the ocean Man you're a piece of shit I understand that you support the podcast That you listen that you wrote in and holy shit I fucking appreciate that Buy a razor from Harry's But tell you what

This is the last episode you can listen to How's that? You're done You're cut off This is the first time in podcast history That we demanded that someone Not stay with it That's from now on That's the golden achievement you can get on our podcast

We cut someone off And can you please Can we honor that? Can you please never listen to it? At this point I would be proud to call you not a fan I would be Honored if you never heard my voice If you hated me I would take that As a badge of honor

I really would As more than a compliment Because uh oh you're a lowline Yo that was for Ben Oh mercy me Oh mercy again This guy is a terrible terrible person Yeah should I break up with my girlfriend?

Yes do break up with her But not for the reason that you're thinking about Breaking up with her because you don't respect her How's a little, okay a little bit of a silver lining here Hopefully we opened your eyes To what a meanie you can be Maybe you should start Respecting your girlfriend for majoring in something

That she loves and struggling With her grades because sometimes work does not Or school does not come as easy as it does For you and maybe you can You know maybe you should break up with this girlfriend But maybe the next one you'd have a little bit more empathy That's true nobody's exactly like you and that's okay That being said please

Never listen to this podcast again I think you're done If everyone else can tell one other person Your viewership to drop Because our viewership is going up right now I'd really hate for it to drop I look at the numbers and if we don't hit 30,000 In the first week I'm going to blame this dude

Because he's going to stop listening So if all of you can just tell one person I'd really appreciate that Amir personally would appreciate that I personally would appreciate that And I'd personally like to come and break your iPod Mr. Belding Mr. Dennis Haskins

It's actually Dennis Haskins I'm doing something with my life I'm a fucking lawyer Of course he's a lawyer Lawyers are in general terrible people My father's a lawyer He called you part of the family not but 48 hours ago

Maybe I'm the small minded idiot that Tossed my frisbee at me But I said I must return to appear In fact he wants all of his possessions back Everything that he gave you I know he purchased some food for the house He wants the chips back, the remainder of the cookies Can you imagine how small that is?

I do regret saying that about lawyers I know a lot of great lawyers Lawyers are just stereotypically Everybody that's not my lawyer Sucks on that Every lawyer that I don't know The ones that I know are great people Now we're more than at a time

Thanks so much for listening everyone We hope you enjoyed this episode As much as we enjoyed having it Let us know what you think about that Much as we enjoyed drinking it Here's a Oh mercy Every time I say it

Someone's probably going to think that you said it We don't sound alike Mercy Here's a thing you guys can do to support the show If you're at your computer It would really help if you subscribed to the show On iTunes we stopped calling out for that But that really is helpful for other people to find us

Through their iTunes ranking And it's pretty easy you just search Jake and Amir on the iTunes podcast store And you find if I were you This is how drunk you need to get to finally Plug us on iTunes There's a button that says subscribe It just starts down in the episodes

You don't have to listen through iTunes You can still listen on iTunes We're going to call it a night actually This was supposed to be a pre-game But I think you actually don't I think it's more than half time at this point This was supposed to be a pre-game And it's the goddamn post-game show

That's the sound of the buzzer there You can do it any way you can And thank you so much for listening Literally everybody except for Mr. Building You are terribly mean We're going to close the show By showing one more Or hearing one more

Or playing He's broken Playing We got a reprogramming here Hey we're going to end the show by playing One more theme song submissions that we got Keep them coming you guys are so talented Except for Mr. Building

This one is from Charlie Thanks so much for listening Bye everybody I can't wait For ten winners to pass Just to see the song Through the glass