If I Were You - 16: Hot Hands

Episode Date: February 19, 2024

In this episode we create a movie, remember a story, and slap each other a lot.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Head Gum Original. Now here's one more effort For only positive motivations they swear Second Another podcast Second Each app different from the last Second It's the Swiss Army Knife of Shoes Now left

It's a two emphatic hoax Second It's a two-empathetic hoax It's a two-empathetic hoax We're doing the rock and roll. Index finger pinky. And then it's stuck to the point where we're like trying to fix our hair, lift up a cup, and it's really hard because we can only use two fingers. And in that video, I think you go to a vending machine. You go to a vending machine, you can't press one of the buttons, so you press two at the same time. And then you go to a hot dog stand. And you hold up the rocker. Can I get one?

You mouth one. And then you get two hot dogs. That was great. 2006, 17 years ago. Was that 17 years ago now? I think so, yeah. Sad. I wanted to sort of apologize,

slash give you the room to admit defeat. In last week's episode, we played the celebrity game. And you beat me by going Stevie Nicks, I have apologized slash give you the room to admit defeat. In last week's episode, we played the celebrity game. And you beat me by going Stevie Nicks, which we thought ended with X. I'm getting a lot of tweets and messages at post-DMs that Stevie Nicks has actually spelled N-I-C-K-S. Yeah, yeah.

I saw that at the time. At the time, no. No. I didn't know that. I know that now. I mean, it's just, it's the exact same thing. I sang it for you. Yeah, you did. And you know what? This happens all the time in sports, in competitions.

You know, it just happened to the New York Knicks. I think last night the ref said that they called a foul on somebody shooting a three. They said it wasn't a foul, but the Rockets won the game. My beloved Tottenham Hotspur, I believe they beat Liverpool this year, two-one. And there was a disallowed goal in the first half that should've stood.

These things happen and you have to be prepared because the game can't be perfect. You have to be perfect. Do you know what I mean? You should have stood up for yourself. You should have known that Stevie next didn't start ending with an X. For whatever reason I sing for me now.

Oh boy. Boy. I can make you satisfied in everything you do. What song is that? Elliot Smith, yeah. Nice. Yeah, it's from Good Will Hunting. Okay, cool.

That should be another bet that we do. What's that? Elliot Smith. Nice. Yeah, it's from Good Will Hunting. Okay, cool. That should be another bet that we do. The loser has to read a movie out loud. Oh, I had a really dumb idea in my head the other day that it can never be anything, so I'll just say it on the show. You know the really powerful end of Good Will Hunting? Yep. When...

I guess you could say, mom, I have to see about a girl. No, no, no, it's when, when Robin Williams is telling Matt Damon, it's not your fault. Right. Yeah, I know. It's not your fault. Stop it. You know, it's not your fault. And they have this really big. Emotional hug. Yeah.

So it was just, instead of saying it's not your fault, he just keeps on saying it's not that big a deal. I know. It's not a big deal. That helps you get over your trauma. Yeah. My parents do that a lot, both with us growing up and now with their grandchildren.

Yeah. It's like they spilled and they cried. It's like, it's okay, it's okay, it's not that big of a deal. Right. Yeah. Now that's like their attitude towards everything. Yeah. It's like stuff that is a big deal.

It's like, it's okay, it's okay, it's not that big of a deal. Yeah. Some stuff is a big deal. Totally. The other day, I was giving Gemma a bath and I like later down on the counter before the bath and she like She doesn't like getting undressed. So I'm laying her down, but she's sort of like grabbing at my arm trying to like not go down But I like bring her closer and closer and she's like pretty close. So I'm like, okay, there you are.

But then as she's getting closer, she's just kind of like leans her head back and hits her head on the back of the gown. And then she starts crying. And my reaction was like, instead of saying it's okay or anything, like Jill was right there, I was like, that's not my fault. So you were trying to soothe yourself. Yeah. I felt so bad. I'm like, I didn't want her to cry, but I was like, that's not my fault.

Yeah, you can be in pain, but don't be mad at me. This is the worst thing you can say. This is not on me. Yeah, that's not my fault. That's almost funnier than it's not a big deal, saying that's not my fault instead of it's not your problem. It's not my problem. And it also was my fault. Yeah.

She hit her head. Oh, come on. She hits her head all the time. She hits her head all the time. Really? All the time. If she hits her head doing something that she wants to do, doesn't bother her at all. She's reaching for a toy. She smacks her head on the side of the counter.

She's like, whatever. She's also trying to frame you or something. Yeah, she was like, I'm like, I know that didn't hurt you that much, but you're kind of already on the edge. You're already doing something you really didn't want to do. And then it's like, now you're just fucking embellishing for the sake or you lean in and it's like when you get back in it, you're like, you, you, you, you get the grocery store, you forgot something, you're like, God damn, I have to go back inside. And then as you're, as you're going, you like stub your toe on, on your car or something. Now that hurts more. That hurts more because you didn't want

to be doing it. Exactly. Yeah. We should say we're back in the studio together. That's right. So we can talk over each other quickly. We can point to the screen right now. It's just our podcast art, but we can put anything on.

There's no delay. Oh yeah, we could do a 50-like tweet today. Yeah, we could do a 50-like tweet for sure. Yeah. We could really do anything we want. Anything we want. And that's the beauty of segments. We could clear these tables out and have a wrestling match.

We can have an oil wrestler or a mud wrestler. I need a liquid, almost like a viscous wrestler. You and I could do a wet t-shirt contest. We could do a Z-Cole contest. Which I guess, what is a wet t-shirt contest? It's where you wear white t-shirts and then you get really wet so you can sort of see like if it sticks to their clothes.

Why is it a contest? Who has's who has the best or yeah? Exactly the most visible wet. Yeah, sure sort of style. Okay, cool. Yeah, so we could do that. We could easily do it Yeah, I'm wearing already. Yeah, let's try to stick to segments that are evergreen slash doable even What's not evergreen about a white a wet t-? White t-shirt contest or a wet t-shirt contest? That's not they were invented. It was a, I misheard you. All right, everyone line up for the white t-shirt contest. Wet t-shirt.

Who had a white t-shirt? Who's taking the best care of their white t-shirt? I can see their nips. Oh my God. They don't do that anymore, I bet, on MTV because it's considered like Sexual harassment. Yeah, it's objectifying. Yes, exactly. Yes. Yes. Yes, which is why we're not gonna do it today either, right? You thought a good segment would be to come up with a movie or musical. Yeah

I think we we did a long time ago by accident on if I were you you came up with a Pretty good film. Like a, yeah, House Mouth? Yeah, it was House Mouth. It was a horror movie about a house. Like the house is haunted and it's like a personification of the house. So let's, wasn't that hard?

No. Come up with another one. A film. Yeah. You wanna do, let's, we'll do a Disney or a Pixar and animated a kid's film. That's even easier. Yeah. You wanna do, let's, we'll do a, like a Disney or a Pixar and animated a kids film. That's even easier. Yeah.

Because there's like basically no rules. Right. Fish can talk, toys can walk around. Yeah. It's so random some times. And that's kind of the, so what's the magical element here? Is it animals? Is it fairies?

Is it princess? Is it underwater? Is it inanimate objects are fine? You know? I think definitely, or is it like emotions are personified as well. Oh yes, yep, that's another one. Sometimes I'll be like, I'm anger and I'm sadness.

And it's a different character. Yeah, and it's just like a red bubbly guy. I think we start with the star of it and we sort of back into it. Okay. You know what I mean? Yeah. So like who's the biggest fucking star in the world?

Right now? Probably Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift, yeah. So Taylor Swift is, what do you think she should be? The littler mermaid. So it's like the little mermaid but she's so tiny dinky. It's almost like a tadpole. Yeah.

Tadpole Swift. I see. Okay, sopole swift. I see. Okay, so Taylor Swift. Tadpoles basically are like little sperms that become frogs. Yes. So the idea that like, what's a pre-mermaid? Right. Oh.

Because you never see a baby mermaid. Yeah. What did Ariel, the little mermaid, look like when she was born? She probably looked like a little tadpole. Yeah. And that's what Taylor Swift will be, the littler mermaid.

Or the littlest mermaid, or like a dinky ass mermaid. The dinky ass mermaid, starring Taylor Swift. And yeah, so it's like kind of the origin story. Yes, exactly. Yeah, and the beginning, she's born, she's a tiny little dinky. Dinky mermaid.

Super dinky ass. And then like, okay, so we have the star, we have the... Because I already see the poster, Taylor Swift as... The Dinky Mermaid. Yes, exactly. Or like, plays, not Ariel, because that name is taken, but like, something would it be... Burial. A burial.

Burial. Yeah, burial. So Burial the Dinky Mermaid. Yeah, Burial M burial for Dinky Rathburn. Yeah, a rare made tadpole. And then it's like her, to her it's like the whole world, but I bet it's like a small little pond. Yeah, oh, that's interesting. So it's a tide pool maybe.

Yeah, or like a koi pond at a fancy hotel. Right. Oh, that's good. Like a resort. Oh, so instead of Prince Charming, she falls in love with either like a bellhop or somebody staying at the hotel. Yeah, or like a kid falls in. I wonder if a kid can fall in.

Yeah, that's kind of fun. What if, yeah, so a kid falls in, that's good because it's reversed. You know, it's not like in the little mermaid, Ariel gets feet from Ursula. You remember Ursula? Oh yeah. No, it wasn't at her, oh, she exchanges her voice.

Yeah, yeah, she makes a trade, a devil's bargain with Ursula, you remember Ursula. Oh yeah. No, wasn't it her, oh, she exchanges her voice. Yeah, yeah, she makes a trade, a devil's bargain with Ursula for feet, then she goes up and she has to kind of convince. But she can't talk. Yeah, she can talk. Why does Ursula want her voice? Cause she can't talk or? No, Ursula can talk, she sings a song before.

Better than probably Ariel, I think. I think she just, she's jealous because she's an octopus lady and she wants She wants the voice, you know for her own means her own TV is and yes exactly What's a Faustian bargain doesn't it seem like that would come into play here? Yeah, right like imagine like the tadpole the dinky Esmerade played by Taylor Swift. Yeah, Faustian bargain I what do you think that means? I don't really know what that is Taylor Swift, making a Faustian bargain. But what do you think that means? I don't really know what that is.

Does that sound familiar to you? Faustian, I'll guess that it's bargaining something you don't have to bargain. Or like, it's a, yeah, or you want something so badly that when you get it, you're not even that happy about it. Interesting. Yeah, like a Faustian bargain or something.

All right, so Taylor Swift, as the Dinky Mermaid burial makes a Faustian bargain or something. All right, so Taylor Swift as the dinky mermaid burial makes a Faustian bargain. That's really cool. With a tyke that falls in the Koi pond at the fancy hotel where she lives. It can even be an infant that actually slipped out of a hands of a proud father. Right. And then like slaps it, hits the top of the surface tension, and then then it just like hits and then she sort of lays like sort of Good floats down the bottom and then at that point they're all save the infant

I think that's like almost like it's considered like a supernatural event to her because it's like holy shit now There's this for her giant baby, right because she's so small. Yeah, but like it's part of basically what else? Yeah It's fast in what happens in act two Interesting I get what you mean like what's her? What's the goal? What's the promise? What is right? What is trying to achieve? What does burial want and how does she get it? Yeah, exactly Does she want out of the out of the koi pond? I think so. That's a little that mirrors The little mermaid a little too much right she wants to go out and like see Prince Charming and all that stuff Maybe maybe Barry all enjoys her time in the pond in the pond and wants more people to live there

Right, so she's kind of like evil maybe at night. She drags people who are in the hotel by themselves into the pond with her. That's fousty. I wonder because a lot of these movies and superhero stuff right now is like this gray area of morality. You don't know like who's the bad guy, right? Yeah, yeah, that's true. It's like this bad guy, but it's actually like you see that bad because he's the joker.

He wants to see the world. Right. Yeah, he's just messed up in some way. He's unmedicated. Yeah, so I wonder if the tadpole- Part of your world. That song is taken, but we could easily just slide another one in there.

Yeah, part of your swirl. Right, because the drain is going down. Yeah, that's good. They're like that. Oh, they're cleaning the pond. Exactly. So the water's getting lower and lower and lower. The tadpole is fine because it's super dinky.

Part of your swim. I saw the thing in my throat, so that didn't sound good. It was just because I had a flaky croissant for breakfast. But I think on the day when I'm recording, I won't. It won't be you. It'll be Taylor Swift. I will.

Well, I'll have to. I'll record like the scratch tracks for her to go off of. And at the end of the day, if she passes on the project, I can play Dinky. Right. So the water is going down, which sort of is like a timer of the entire. Right. That's that's our ticking clock. Exactly. It's a metaphor towards like us hurtling towards oblivion Right, that's our ticking clock. Exactly, it's a metaphor towards us hurtling towards a climate change that we can't stop.

So the water's getting lower and lower, the tadpole's getting bigger and bigger. Taylor Swift realizes, holy shit, at a certain point, it's gonna be too much, too fast, too soon, so she's gonna be able to try to convince the fetus, or not the fetus, but the infant. The infant, yeah. The infant fell into the pool.

She has like a few moments. For her, she's small, everything takes forever, but it's actually a few seconds. So like, imagine dropping Gemma in a pool. No, I won't. I won't. For you, it's like, oh shit! Oh my God, she's okay, she's okay, she's okay.

That's my fault. That's my fault. That's my fault. That took two seconds, but in the pond world, time works differently in the pond. Time works differently in the pond. It works a little differently in the pond. Yeah, she's setting up the stage slash universe or the physics, the reality,

the fasty and bargain that's happening, which is basically the smaller you are, the slower time is. It all exists like super stretched out or fast, whatever. However, we want to fight. Time works a little differently in the pond. Exactly. Time works differently in the pond. And that could be sung by either Taylor or the Sebastian style. Taylor Swift or Taylor Lautner, who will be playing Sebastian. But like a smaller version of a crab. What are those like when you had pets as a kid and they were like little crap like almost like. Oh, uh, Sea Monkeys? Yeah, a little sea monkey. So he's like a little sea monkey. So time works even slower for him because you can't even really see a sea

monkey. Oh, really? It's that small? Yeah. Jesus, that's always a lot. Yeah. I'm wondering if that's too small. Well, we could go down into like the, you know, micro, micro, micro. So then that's kind of interesting because Taylor slash burial looks larger because it's almost a story of relativity and subjectivity. Yes, because like to her, she's and it's Faustian. It is Faustian the bargain, but like for her, she's small to us. Yeah. And then the infant that you dropped huge to her. Exactly. But Taylor Lautner, a sea monkey, burial is actually very big to him. Yes.

So I don't know. There's something there. Is there like, is there like an equivalent to that? Like with regards to anything you've seen ever before? Like I've never seen anything. I don't think it's good. Yeah. Interstellar deals with some of this stuff. Thematically.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I mean, I'm interested in doing time jumps. The way Interstellar did, you know? Yeah. So yeah. Have you seen Ad Astra?

Starting Brad Astra? Yeah. I have. So. It would be an Ad Astra starring Brad Astra? Yeah, I have. So, wasn't that similar? It would be an Ad Astra meets Little Mermaid, meets Inception, meets Interstellar. Slashed Little Mermaid slash Battlestar Galactica. Yeah, exactly.

Taylor Swift, Taylor Lautner, Brad Pitt. Which is so like, honestly, you don't even need to say anything more than that. I feel like having those people attached, that sells the movie and I don't even want to pitch it anymore. Right. Like if you're not buying this in the room, if you're not giving me a monster advance to write this movie with these stars attached with this A-list talent, with Taylor Swift and Brad Pitt alone, Lautner is added value. He's the third character in the back. Swift and Brad Pitt alone. Lottner is added value.

Because I don't think Lottner... He's the third character in the back. I love the guy, but I don't think he opens... He doesn't open a movie on his own. He doesn't have to, because he has to. I don't think he's been in the film since Twilight 11, 12 years ago. Yeah, well... It's weird as fuck that he's in his film.

I don't even know how that happened. But he is attached. And he's not going anywhere. He's literally attached to the script. I feel like we made a fousty and bargain with his agents. Is there a world where Pitt and Swift are super attached? Do you know what that means? No.

So there's attached, which is like, if we sell this movie and it goes and you have a availability, you'll be in it. That's an if come deal. Yeah, if come, blind development. Super attached would be a $50 million advance. Paid in kind.

Yeah. Points on the back end, yeah. Not on the front? On the front. They're actually attached, so intertwined to one another. So interstellar into this script that it's almost like they have to be in the movie regardless of what else they have going on. Wow. So world tour over. Correct. That's right.

Because she's, again, so attached. Super attached. Super attached. Yeah. Is there anything there? Faustian or not So we walk into the room swift fifty million dollars already gone. Yeah, super attached Even though there's a fucking I feel like we hammered this out between us we walk into the room We say swift pit lotter suck on these nuts. How much do you want to give us and they'll be like why lotter?

Suck on these nuts. How much do you want to give us? And they'll be like why Lautner? Why not lock? It doesn't matter who else no one else is playing second fiddle try to find you think Tom Holland is gonna play second fiddle to Taylor Swift No, it's these egos for these Hollywood guys Right y'all want to be like they billing right exactly and you need to find somebody that hasn't had that opening hit in a little while, Allah Lotner, or you need to find that aging actor, Allah Pitt, who is like, I'm willing to be the and Brad Pitt, you know, because it's gonna be Taylor Swift, Taylor Lotner, first billing,

but then you have that special and. Oh, at the end. Brad Pitt. Feature Earth with special gas, featuring. With Brad Pitt. is it comes third But it is his own thing first like he's Title card just him. That's not like I'm focusing so much on title cards and the credits and the deals that were

I'm a little lost because I still don't entirely know what happens in like act three You know what like I can't phrase like I can know what burial wants? What's that phrase like, I can't see the forest for the trees or from the trees? Because I'm worried about crafty at a certain point. It's all VO. Pits arriving on set, but it is in an animated. Yeah, it's all VO. So it doesn't really matter.

I don't know why he's coming to set, but like he's showing up and said having not had. And I'm concerned that. Are there trailers for VO Or you just walk into the booth? That's what I so we'll I think never done this little car The car service to pick him up and drop him off But then he arrives at the VO booth. It doesn't make sense Unless we do like a sort of sonic style Sonic is animated with the car. Oh real action

Yeah, but I wonder like bended Sonic, real action. But I wonder if, like, Ben did Sonic, right? Yeah. Did he have Crafty? Let's call him, and we have to get this hammered out. Should we try calling him right now and ask if he had Crafty while we're calling Sonic? I'm curious if there was a spread. Sure, sure thing.

The very least if there was bread. And then once we have this hammered That's yeah, that's the last page of the pitch deck All right, so I'm gonna face I'm him He should right he's not available. No, I say unavailable so that was like a call again Oh, actually I can record a video and then he'll see someone back Okay, so it's kind of me in okay. Oh I can record a video. And then he'll send one back. Okay, so it's gonna be in. Oh, this is like a video.

Hey, sorry, I know you've rejected my FaceTime call. I was just calling because Amir had a question. On Sonic, was there a crafty for the V.O.? That's it. Just let us know. Okay. Okay, and we'll see if he responds. But that's I wanted to ask about being super attached. One second.

All right, we're back. We're in the same room, so I thought it would be fun to play hot hands. Right. Game where, like, you put your palms up, I put my hands on yours and you try to slap me. Yeah. Are you do you play the one at a time? I think you can do you can go like right hits right left hits left you don't have to go like a cross Okay, all right, you know and you can also do a double. Yeah, the double is is what you want exactly the double is the key Yeah, so obviously this is better visually, but we'll try to narrate as well Okay, but you can watch this episode and this hot hands little yeah

You do the a lot of a lot of it is faking. Yeah, cuz oh, and like what happens if you pull your hands away? Yeah, that's fine, right? The rule you don't get slapped. Yeah, but then you're constantly just going like this Oh, right, right. Yeah, you're just trying to get somebody to not fake out. Okay. All right. Am I going first or you can go first? So Jake let's rock play. Let's rock paper scissor to see who goes on the bottom first. Okay, so three, two, one, shoot. Yeah. Okay. Well, actually why don't we do the ones and twos thing to see if it's three, two, one,

shoot. Or, okay. Three, two, shoot. Okay. Great. So I'll say no. Come through four. So I'll go three, two, one, and then say number one through four and you have to either put

zero or one finger up. Huh? You to either put zero or one finger up. Huh? You have to go zero or one finger up. I have to? Yeah, I have to. OK, ready? Three, two, one, four. OK, so that's two.

Huh? Now you say three, two, one, and then number one through four. Three, two, one, one. Got it. Wow, I don't even know how to play. OK, so now let's do rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Right, so now we're, I don't know what the, like, which one was running. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Right, OK. OK're, and we're, I don't know what the like, which one was running. Rock, Paper, Scissors, Shoot.

Right, okay. And then winner will be like the people who do, but they're palm up. Right. Okay. Rock, Paper, Scissors, Shoot. Oh, you beat me. Scissors, Beats, Paper.

Okay, so now I'm gonna go on the bottom. Okay. And that's the game. You didn't, you didn't even flinch. Didn't flinch, because I was going to let you slap me and say, all right, that was the game. But you didn't do that. All right.

OK. Round one. Round one. All right. Nice. T. It's all right. He hit me.

A double. I smacked him double time. Come on, bring it back, coward. My nails are also really long. I'm scratching them under here. Come on, you're not even trying. It's too fast. See what I have now? You gotta be another double.

I have dad reflexes. So I'm really fast. That's like you hit Gemma. Pfft. Pfft. Eee! So scary. Hit him again. I can't imagine a world where it goes, I am fast enough. I have to be able to whiff you.

Hit him again. That's four. Alright, I don't know. Do you want me to just keep on going? No, no, I got it, I got it, I got it. It's fine. You got me again. Got him again. Is it this easy? All right, let me try to be on the bottom. I'm skittish. She's getting me with the face.

How does anyone ever lose? She's getting you with the face How does anyone ever lose? I mean, it's just constant There's two reasons to get me when I'm coming back Yeah, we have to make it almost easier It's all about the coming back I have to remember, I'm trying to remember. Not even moving now. He fucking gets off to this shit. Alright, I guess let's keep going until somebody actually gets whipped.

Oh! Got one! Alright, we're getting better. Now I'm the one who's going to slap-trick. Okay, because you are hitting the mic, that looks more fainting ball one two Dad reflexes dad reflexes oh Dad reflexes I tried to go cross country um, oh yeah cool It's fun. This episode of our show is brought to you by yet another podcast called See the Thing

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Darrell and Gordon you should still do it take this as a sign. Squarespace.com slash segments and then when you're ready to launch just use that coupon code segments for extra 10% off. Thanks Squ workspace. All right, we're back. Somebody, I asked on Reddit, anybody had segment ideas. The popular most upvoted comment was begging for Altoids. But the second one was to talk about another college humor, oral history style story from our past. And I don't think we've ever talked about

the hottest college girl contest party in which one of the ladies we were throwing the party for went missing. You had more of an insight into that whole situation. For, I believe, it was either two or three years I was in charge of the hottest college girl contest, at least from an editorial standpoint. And that was like a March Madness style bracket tournament

where people would literally vote on which person was hotter. Yeah, so this was, we would solicit submissions. This was insane. So, this is- I'm not saying it out loud, yeah. Girls from all of the different colleges around the world or around the country would submit themselves and then we would help them build their profiles

with like all of these pictures and then they would go head to head against other girls from other colleges in a March Madness bracket style tournament. Down to a final four. Down to a final four. Down to a final four. Final two. And then ultimately crowning the hottest college.

Yeah, and these, College of Emerald was a huge website. These were getting tens of thousands of votes. It wasn't like. Probably more. Yeah. So it was. And it was sponsored. It was, I think it was like,

it was sponsored in the last year or two. I think before that it was just like a traffic driving thing. But yeah, then eventually it was sponsored by like probably acts or lights, hard lemonade or something like that. I was gonna say acts for sure. And then yeah, at the end of this tournament, we would also have a party where all 64 of the college girls were.

64. We invited all of them every year. Wow. But you had to get there yourself. Yeah, and we didn't put anybody up. We didn't, it was just like, you can come to the party if you want because you were in the contest.

And- Which was like on a boat. On the pier or something like that. There was, I don't know, I don't think, there was a boat party, but I don't think that was the hottest college girl party. They were both, the ones that I remember were at like clubs. Or hotel rooftop. Yeah, yeah, oh yeah, yeah,

there was a hotel rooftop that one year. Yeah. Yeah, and so the hottest college girl came, of course, everybody got absolutely trashed. And I think she was like getting in a cab to go to Brooklyn. And that was the end of the night. And then the next day we got a call from her dad.

We got a call. Yeah, I don't know who got in touch with who or how, but they, nobody knew where she was. Yeah. And I showed up late, I was insanely hungover. I feel like everyone was just sort of like after a war laying around the office as though like it had just been wounded, but it was just hangovers. Yeah, and it's not like we were necessarily responsible for, well, maybe we put her up at a hotel or something.

Right. Then it becomes getting like scary legalese like who is responsible for getting this person to where they need to be. Yeah. You had her at a party and you just let her get in the cab. I think also like Brooklyn wasn't really that scary, but maybe it was like 2007, so it's like it could sound kind of like where she just went to a random place in Brooklyn, where did she go? For someone from like Idaho that might be a scary thing. And I remember specifically that I had to go home to Connecticut that day

because my little cousin was graduating high school. I can't deal with this right now. I can't miss my cousin's high school graduation. I need to be there as her cousin. What if she walks down the fucking aisle and then she looks up and sees her whole family but one of her cousins isn't there? Do you remember anything about that day?

I remember it being kind of scary because we like, do we call the police and say like this 22 year old is missing? Is that even a thing? Do 22 year olds go missing or like once you're an adult, you're not missing. Yeah, you're just off the grid. Like I can go camping and no one's going to say they're missing. Right. I think her dad like had called the college humor front desk like now nobody could call a head come front desk No, they have that. Yeah, there was a receptionist receptionist. It might have been Murph. Yeah

Yeah called didn't know where his daughter was right and like we're like well who was gonna talk to him because It roll 24 as well. I helped people crap their photos, sir. You should really talk to Streeter. He's the- He's the- Editor in chief. Editor in chief.

He's like, well, you should really talk to Jay Money. He's the sales guy that puts the contest on. You should talk to the guy at Axe who gave us $250,000 to make this a contest for everybody. Yeah, and I don't think we ever, I mean, well, she resurfaced, I think her phone had died or something. So it all turned out okay. Yeah, and then we made that into an episode

of The College Humor Show. That's right, it was based on a true story. Yeah. Starring Ariane Maddox, who might have been in the contest, or at the very least was one of the cute college girls of the week, which was another segment of the site that I was in charge of. I can't believe the greatest part is we're bringing that back to head gum. Right.

Yeah. The college girls. Yeah. It's podcast and then also the front page of head gum will feature the cute college girl of the week. It is funny how like perfect that worked out though for me and college humor. Like can you imagine anybody, anyone else on editorial who would have been As horny as I was it good at it?

Like if it had gone to Jeff Rubin as good at it, but nowhere as horny Yeah, there's no way imagine castles being in charge of it. They wouldn't last a second. No, he's not Did you hook up with any of the hottest college girls? What that's on I'm curious. It's uncouth. Let's not go there. There were 64 must have been three four years of the 248 let's not let's not you must have smooched at least one of them Holy shit. I really hate it. I really hate I'm pulling it up right now. Show me what round she lost in that because that's the big question Was she a 16 seed or no I'm pulling it up right now. Show me what round she lost in that. Because that's the big question. How was she? Was she a 16?

Was she a 16 seed or no? Did you have to seed them? I don't think that I will know. I think I think we did seed them. That would be extra fucked up, right? Yeah, no, I mean, we we determined the draw. I don't know if we did it based on like this girl's actually the hottest and this one's not. I think it was like,

because everyone was in charge of submitting their own pictures. So if somebody had like 16 pictures, they were well cropped, they were well lit. They're like, okay, well this person's gonna go further than like somebody who sent two grainy pictures or whatever. And it's like, you know, flip phones back then. The photos were of varying degrees.

But I do think that we seeded them in some sense for sure. Yeah, to try to get the- Behind the scene seeds, behind the seeds. And then did you also have to give them bios and like question and answer? Like, didn't you- Yeah, I think they had interviews- Like, clever answers to the questions or something.

Yeah, yeah, I think we had them fill out, I think we had them fill out questionnaires or interviews. Clever answers to the questions or something. Yeah, I think we had them fill out, I think we had them fill out questionnaires or interviews. I definitely chatted with all of them on AIM. Really? Yeah, dude. That's why I was so epic. I had literally all of their AOL handles. I had the screen names. And you would just make little appointment Zoom dates before Zoom, maybe a Skype or something like that.

Let me help you fill out what are five things you can't live without. If you're stranded on a desert island. The perfect job for a 21 year old. And yet still one of them went missing. Did any of them become friends of ours or like graduate from there to like? Yeah, Crocker, Jen Crocker.

Yeah. Ariana, I don't know if she was a college girl or, um, or in the, in the main contest, but her. Um, yeah, I think there's a, there's a couple of people that I'm like still in touch with that are from that contest. Yeah. Jill, right? Yeah, Jill. Jill was a finalist in 2006, I want to say. Well, she went, she went right? Yeah, Jill. Jill was a finalist in 2006, I want to say.

Well, she went missing. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's how you met slash found her. Yes, we found each other. All right, that's a good college humor story. Yeah, if anybody else has any other things they want us to zero in on, they should let us know.

Because I think that the oral history, if we can really fix it on one point. Yeah, that's really good. That way somebody can transcribe this and turn this into a book later exactly All right, we're back This is a game submitted to us by trash class hero love it. They just said fake laugh until real laugh Mm-hmm, so we instituted a couple rules and regulations. So I'm going to fake laugh until Jake laughs. Okay. He's going to try to last long.

Right. And he who last laughs, laughs last. Exactly. Does that make sense? Yeah. So you want to last last. I want to last last. Yeah.

You're going to try to not laugh basically as I laugh. Okay. And if you start laughing That'll be your time, and I'll try to last last longer than that laugh last lasted So I'm gonna start a stopwatch. It's not gonna work. Yeah, what's that? You're notoriously bad at this You'll laugh very quickly. Yeah, but I have dad reflexes now correct So I'm gonna hit start and start laughing and then you try not to laugh. Yeah. Okay ready? three two one start Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha All right, 45.87. That was pretty good.

You lasted a lot longer than I did. Yeah. I started to get a little late. It was the end. Were you thinking of sad things or any strategies? I was thinking of hot things. That's a really cool strategy. I did notice you came a little bit. Yeah, but you did not.

I'm fully wrecked. I am coming. You had a date and mission. I only laughed because I laughed when I nut. I only laughed because I laugh when I not. I only laugh because I laugh when I not. Alright, score to beat is 45-87. Alright. Ready?

Yeah. Three, two, one, go. Wow. That's, you laughed. I didn't laugh. What are you talking about? You did laugh. That's a laugh.

I was trying to hide it. I didn't break. I'll tell you. I didn't laugh. I didn't laugh. I didn't laugh. I didn't laugh. What are you talking about? You did laugh. That's a laugh. I was trying to hide it. I didn't break. All right, let's start over. Ready?

Yeah. Go. No! Ha ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! You're screaming. Are you gonna say you're not laughing? Alright, fine.

I'll stop. But you cheated. That's not a laugh. How's this? Me! Alright, one more round, but you don't have...I won't have to laugh. I can make any noise. Okay.

Kind of like treating you like a little baby. Yeah. Okay. We'll see if I could be 18 seconds. Ready? Mm-hmm. Rrrrr. Rrrrr.

Rrrrr. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Oh. Oh. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Zing. Zing. Ooh, 24.

I could have kept going. I just looked over and I knew that you didn't beat my time. The trick is to think of something really hot So that way what I'm making crazy noises it only adds to the experience Exactly. All right, let's see you you can laugh you can do any noise you want I'll try to be 24 33 ready resetting and starting Silence you're laughing. You laugh too. I think we learned a lot. All it takes is for me to crack myself up. Because it's funny knowing you're thinking of hot things and then you break, much like a baby crying, wailing, screaming out of nothing.

Exactly. Does it ever go from zero to 60 like that with a nine month old?ailing, screaming out of nothing. Exactly. Does it ever go from zero to 60 like that with a nine month old? Like she's fine and then, ah! Or is it like a slow build up? You know something's wrong.

It's a slow build up. Yeah, she's like, all right, I'm doing something that's pissing her off. She doesn't wanna do this, but it's something anyone has to have. And then it like, kind of like a tea kettle. We're trying to give her like Motrin the other day because she's teasing. She's like, by the way. She's so dexterous. I like I had the little syringe

I bring it towards her mouth. She grabs it and then starts sucking on the other side. I'm like whoa, all right That's a stick sitting in your arm. You're like, oh, I'm cool. I'm cool, man. I was like, all right You got me. I'm cool. I'm cool, man. I was like, all right You got me. I'm doing this again I knew to expect it and I was coming in and she did the exact same she blocked it grabbed its fun Took it in her mouth like the Chris Tucker Jackie Chan thing with the gun the gun. It's like squirt at the motion at you So strong so strong fast and she's like so deceptively fast because she's just like this But then we'll just but who taught you how to administer liquid note? Motrin and who taught her?

I don't know. YouTube, maybe. Yeah, YouTube. It's a squirt into the cheeks so that they have to suck it down. Yeah, maybe she read a book. I don't know. She just kind of also intuitively know everything. And does she ever like take the liquid medicine and just spit it out?

She spits out a lot of it. Yeah. But I think that's why they have you give in a very specific dose Yeah, you give you give probably more than they need because they know that a lot of it will spill out Yeah, I guess you can't give pills to kids. It's like not like a dog situation right now. They're mashed yams. Yeah, no No, maybe I don't know maybe but yeah the syringe is definitely it's is more precise though She was faster than me, but yeah She was like unhappy that it was happening, but I had to keep on going them like by the the end of it She's like just you know, I cry. I wonder why adults don't do that like if I have to take a Tylenol

Why do I have to take two pills? I can just grab a syringe. Yeah, you probably could I think it'd be a lot less Pleasant I just why I put all of my medicine into Jello shots and then what do you do? You just put the pills in there and you Will tequila yeah So you take your rheumatoid or the right? Yeah? Yeah? All right, I think we learned a lot today. Yeah. We created a movie from scratch. No problem. Kind of the hardest thing to do. Yeah.

We played Hot Hands and I think I won. Definitely close. We learned about the college humor, hottest college girl party part two. And then we... We go fawed. We made each other laugh making silly noises. Yeah. Which is fun, too

Really ran the dam at the show It's different energy when we're in the room together. We can hit each other We can yell at each other we can scream make each other laugh and two stuff like that It's fun, isn't it? Yeah, you should move to New York. Well, you're in LA now. Yeah You should move to LA and I'll move to New York. I love that we could switch. Yeah I'll move to LA and I'll move to New York. I love that. We could switch. Yeah.

For more segment ideas, leave them in the comments section of this YouTube video. Oh, great idea. That way we can just read them right then and there. Yeah. I mean, if trash class hero can come up with one, certainly you can't do. Come on.

And for more of us, you can watch us on our Patreon, patreon.com.jpg, getting through every jake and a mirror, rewatching them, sometimes writing some. You just watched Fired, excellent stuff. It's a party.A. getting through every jake in a mirror rewatching them sometimes writing some mm-hmm. You just watch fired excellent stuff It's a party. Yeah, and you're invited. That's right, and Thank you for listening. Thanks for watching. We'll be back next week Bye That was a hit them original