If I Were You - 161: Honor (w/Dan Gurewitch!)

Episode Date: July 6, 2015

Friend and "Last Week Tonight" writer Dan Gurewitch joins us to discuss jealousy, office romance, and making jokes about the news.This episode is brought to you by NatureBox, TrunkClub, and MeUndies!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

You probably have some problems where you don't know what to do So you should write in right away To the show if I were you They may spout out something mean Some destructive cynicism But I promise they mean well It's just constructive criticism Fence in the pinch

Or Josh in the mirror Too many names Bliss them all here But listen close Cause it's about to start If I were you The show has captured Our hearts

That was Anderson Dan, you're a musician, professional musician What'd you think about that theme song? I'm a professional musician You're a concert pianist I'm a concert pianist Very very good

It reminded me of my days at Carnegie Hall Really? High praise I was taken back to some of my finest performances Where you were just like With an acoustic guitar You were the dancer in Mighty Mighty Boss Tones I was

I was the lead skanker In the Boss Tones There was a guy in that band that just danced Yeah he was like He played no instruments He would sing those songs, he would just dance And that was me You don't have to have that part

That's for the crowd You don't have that part in the band It injected a lot of energy into the performance Yeah, it's all the way that I clutched my knee And they said this is the guy for us That's like a part of a play Where you just sit on the stage and you look at it You shouldn't get paid for that

That's not part of the play That was Anderson Reagan Who as a band Pictures of Vernon That's a good band name Picturesofvernon.bandcamp.com If you want to hear more Dan G

Hello sir First time on the podcast Thank you for having me How would our fans know you the most? Your fans would know me from ColloTumor.com Where I was a writer and actor Often in videos with YouTube

YouTube In videos with YouTube And I guess that's Predominantly it Now what the fuck are you doing? You left college two years ago Did you even get a job, man?

Jesus Christ guys You are very combative on this podcast The podcast is called Did you even get a job, man? I was expecting a friendly conversation We just double team our guests We didn't even catch up when you walked in You got to the door

We put a mic in your face and played that song For you Yeah You need me in the groin I need you in the groin I want you in the groin I am What am I doing now?

I write for last week tonight with John Oliver But what else do you do? Like that's not a job You are not what you do If you define yourself by your career Then guess what? When you don't have that job Who are you?

What are you? You're a waste of time and space Alright Your motivational speaker is what you are Which is good because I actually got fired From John Oliver three weeks ago For not doing any work ever Yeah

I just sat in my office writing my motivational speeches And they were like this isn't going to cut it This is not what we do here Of course not Yet Yeah Alright We'll get into that shit later

But do you know what this podcast is? I do, yeah It's a rule if you don't For anybody listening that doesn't It's an advice show For people listening This is an advice podcast So we'll answer emails that we get to

If I were you show at gmail.com Sometimes it's just Jake and I offering our advice And sometimes we have a friend Slash comedian You're a female comedian right? I am, I'm a female comedian And today's comedian That happens to be Dan

The comedian Dan Gerwig I should say I like to do like My style of comedy is like I'm like the pretty girl But I say a raunchy thing Oh Like shock

Yeah It's like I bet you've never heard a girl Talk about a template this way It's shock and awe That's what it is So you're sort of a modern day Margaret show

I'm actually a I came before Margaret show Oh really So I don't like it when people describe me As a modern day Margaret show When did you start doing stand up? I was seven years old And Margaret show came to see me

At a school function Function or talent show What kind of function? It was a function It was an open mic At catch a rising star In the Upper East side of New York City Yeah I told her everything she knows

How old do you think the youngest Stand up comedian like to do well is Like has there been a 15 year old Stand up comedian Or do you have to be a certain There must have been right I don't know Like Pete Davidson's like

Wasn't he like 19 when he got on SNL Yeah I'm talking about like Was there a 13 year old like Oh that kid's pretty funny actually Yeah I bet there's like an eight year old Comedian Yeah this is definitely a YouTube search

That would yield results I think But I don't want him to I don't want him to like Phone it in and just like You don't want to do like Cute jokes You want to do like What's the youngest comedian

Doing crowd work Yeah he's like holy shit This kid's good Or being like really honest Yeah Like holy shit he's like I'm getting to know him on stage Yeah

Like I feel like I don't even want to limit it to guys Like I want a seven year old girl Who's fucking up there Killing it Just bringing that out of town Wouldn't that be funny Art performance art

Is just like a comedian Coaching an eight year old On what to say So he's on stage saying Like some pretty raunchy shit I don't know I shouldn't give that secret away Because I'm going to do it one day

Alright So Dan these are real emails From real people We're going to give them fake names To preserve their anonymity Sure Kind of an interesting one Right off the bat

We've never done this before Have you ever slipped And then said someone's name Yes definitely Nearly every other episode It's like alright Let's call this guy Philip Hey guys my name's John

Shit Alright about your weird penis John So give me I'll tell you why this is interesting But give me a guys A fake guys name Could be anything you want I mean it has to be Eduardo right

Mm-hmm So you have heard the show before You slipped him a tiny piece of paper That said Eduardo Alright here we go Eduardo writes Hey guys I'm in a committed relationship With my girlfriend

But I have a crush on a girl from work Me and the girl from work Flirt a little bit every day I don't intend to actually do anything But I do like flirting And the girl doesn't know I'm in a relationship There's no chance of my girlfriend finding out

As we're in a long distance Is this all okay And this is why I say this is kind of unique Because three weeks later We got an email that's seemingly from Either this girl Or a girl in the borderline Same exact predicament

But the other side So I think I want to read that If you have a female name Uh I mean it's got to be Eduardo Yeah Eduardo wrote This keep in mind these are three weeks apart

I started a new job in January And had to move to a new city And so far it's been amazing The people at work have been super lovely Particularly this one guy He was chatty, charming and lovely And we both had a lot in common And soon enough I became smitten

However later on I found out He was in a relationship Bit of a bummer but no big deal Always get to have friends So he ended up inviting me To an Australia Day party with his friends Since I was new in the city And it was tons of fun

He warned me off one of his mates And chatted to me for most of the party This friendliness continued for a while But got a little bit intimate With stuff like drinks after work Just the two of us Dinners, snapchats all the time Texting each other until late

And even taking our lunch breaks together Lying on the grass near the ocean And chatting It's even gone so far as pizza and Netflix At my house alone This is all just friendly And while he's with his girlfriend I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole

But it is getting strange He compliments me a lot And I quite like hearing about it I'm starting to get a bit of a crush on him too And now it's super messy And I'm not sure what to do or say at this point I don't want to keep this up Because I'm just as responsible as he is

And I don't want this friendship Pushing the boundaries And it sounds like it's totally not cool So what would you do if I were you? That's already gotten much farther Than I would have thought that it would get It sounds like she's almost about to be like Yeah, it's weird

He gave me this ring And then we walked down this aisle And now we have a house together We're married It sounds like we got to the boring part Of our relationship without having sex Pizza and Netflix It's like that's what you do when you're tired

Of fucking someone Yeah, exactly So what are your thoughts in general About flirting while in a relationship? I guess Well, are you talking about both questions? Let's just say just as yourself Would you flirt if you're in a relationship

Or are you the kind of guy that's like Oh, I'm in a relationship I can't even be slightly charming to any girl No, I think it's okay to have flirtatious Conversations here and there I think that once you're escalating to One-on-one drinks and pizza and Netflix That starts to be a little bit strange

I think there's a difference between Being a flirtatious person And flirting with a bunch of people at a party And then a one-on-one flirtation affair Is different Because you're honing in on one person That you seem to care about But it's almost like

Why even go down that road? Because flirting is fun and harmless But if you're at work And you're flirting with people That could be a big problem But I think that's fine As long as it's like I just feel like as long as you're doing it liberally

It's okay Yeah, I think there's a difference also Between flirting that's like Occasionally saying something charming And kind of playful And flirting that's like hitting on somebody Yeah, I mean this dude told her not To go home with someone else

That's like possessive That's weird Yeah, he's basically saying Don't hook up with that guy Because I may or may not break up With my girlfriend soon And I want you to be like Right

Fresh for me Yeah, I think that Well, that is a really gross way of putting it But yeah, I think I want you to be a sandwich That's the worst thing I've ever You are sashimi I'd prefer you to be fresh for me

But isn't that what he's saying? Yeah If you could just wrap yourself up In a vacuum pack One of those things that you He's putting a zip lock Yeah One of those things that your mom

Stores quilt cinematic If you could just crawl into one of those And not move for a couple months While I figure out my own life I can make you super, super flat I want you to vacuum seal I can store you with my winter jacket Like a Japanese porno

I want you to just be absolutely vacuum Hermetically sealed Like a Honus Wagner baseball card It would be worth as much as possible On the market When you're... Yeah, it sounds like he's... That's unhealthy

Because it sounds like he's Trying to have it both ways And keep her around While he figures out his own relationship Where do you draw the line? What's bad? What's cheating and what's flirting? Oh my God, you're trying

I guess just end the podcast Because we don't fucking know We finally stumped We blew it This is like one of the things Why play with fire? Because you're flirting at work And then eventually you become a work function

And then you want to see the girl And then you talk to her at a party And then it's like Uh-oh, I'm getting closer and closer and closer Well, that's where the line is, I think There's a couple different factors at play One, like I said before Are you flirting with lots of people

Or are you flirting with one person? Because flirting is harmless Having a crush on someone's not harmless Right? You can flirt with people Without really liking them Just having like that A flirtatious nature

But then when you like somebody Then you start like Only flirting with that person That's a problem But it also kind of matters What your significant other thinks About flirting Because no matter what their opinion is

If it's like If something's like really upsetting them Then you have to adjust accordingly Yeah, I tend to be a fairly jealous person I think, like I don't I'd like to think that I'm not But like, I... There's never been a situation

Where I imagined anyone that I was with Like in any sort of flirtatious Or romantic situation with somebody else And didn't immediately like get angry Like I don't... How do you ever experience that firsthand? Like you were talking to some Like you and your lady were talking to a guy

And you were like You were just openly flirting with that guy No, I don't think I've watched somebody flirt I mean, I'm sure that's like I mean, I'm sure that it's happened On both sides of relationships that I've been in But I haven't like watched it happen And been like, what was that about?

Right I've never really had one of those moments Hey, we have to talk Yeah, get over here That wasn't okay I noticed you having fun at this party That's the problem Because flirting is so ambiguous

What does it mean? Like, if I'm talking and joking with someone Is it by definition flirting? Or does it have to be slightly sexual and romantic? Like if I'm making a girl laugh, am I flirting? Because if so, then I have to flirt This is you arguing with a girlfriend right now I wasn't flirting, I was laughing

I laugh all the time Right, exactly No, I don't think that it's just I don't think it's automatically flirting to like Be playful with somebody and make them laugh I think that's like If you're like a charming person who likes making jokes That's just part of your life

Flirting is giving somebody that little extra attention Because like, all of us naturally just like Try to make people laugh and try to talk to people But as soon as I hone in on someone Just one person, then it's flirting Then it's like, I only care about making this girl Laugh right here So you're saying if you're an equal opportunity

Flirter, then it doesn't matter As long as you're not doing it, it's just one person Yeah, that's what I think Yeah, it feels like there's, yeah It feels like if you're like At a party or hanging out or being charming That's sort of like General, equal opportunity flirting

But if you're like at work And you send an email to a co-worker That's like Hey, we should really meet up in the kitchen And have a cookie deep break For some, I don't know That's a good work time flirt Very good work time flirt

Yeah, the snack You've got snacks in the kitchen You've got it But like scheduling a one-on-one snack break In the kitchen That feels like you're like I'm trying to hook up with this person Right

And so it's like Something that has an intention behind it That's not just being a friendly person It's almost like Every one-on-one email is kind of flirtatious Because it's like Here's a little secret from me Yeah

There's never a reason really To send any one-on-one emails at work That aren't like work related Right Like if you're sending like a one or two line email To a person at work That's not has nothing to do with work But that's also harmless

It just gives you that little micro burst of like That's flirty Yeah Well this goes back to me saying Like as long as you're spreading it liberally It's fine Yeah I don't think that it's a problem

In the sense that like if I like I think if I was in a relationship And I found out that You know My girlfriend had been Had like sent a couple of One or two line flirty emails to a co-worker I don't

I like to think that I would be okay with it Because it's like It's okay to find other people Like sort of attractive or cute While you're in a relationship That is just human nature Right But it's like a very

It's a very different thing to like Truly act on it In any In any significant way Right Like I would say that like Alone on your couch Pizza and Netflix time

Is like acting on it That counts as acting on it Oh yeah That's like Cool and I would not like that Right But like the occasional Like you're kind of a cute guy

Sort of thing It's like text smiles Like it would all bother me But just like don't tell me I don't want to know That's like not something I need If I'm in a relationship It's like

If you're eating pizza And watching Netflix at someone's house I need to know Because then we break up Yeah But if you're like Your girlfriend can't have A time where she watches Netflix

With another guy Well I mean Sure that could happen It depends like how it got there If it got there because They're taking lunch breaks together Yeah And then they're like

Going out to one on one dinner And sending each other Snapchat And then they watch Netflix and pizza Yeah the relationship is clearly Alright let me ask you a follow up question Everything you said What if you can only come

While watching a drama And eating pepperoni pizza Oh I didn't think that's not fair So yeah Yeah you got it I understand Netflix and chicken fingers Game to Amazon

Amazon Prime and fish sticks Nah I guess that's okay Who looks originals And tater tachos One last question Egg salad and hulu Let me finish

Not plus Regular So they're watching more This dude's a broke ass joke then They could do that all day If any girlfriend of mine ate Egg salad at any point I would dump them

For any reason Flirting's okay Egg salad's not No Egg salad really is ridiculous It's just eggs mashed up Yeah if you found out your girlfriend Went out to lunch

With like a guy at work And they ate by the ocean And laid on the grass You'd be jealous And then if you found out They both had egg salad With chopped up onions in it You'd be like oh

You know what He can have you Your breath probably still smells Yeah I think if I If I fell in love with a girl Over the course of a year And we spent nights Lying together

Talking and telling each other things We'd never told anybody And I felt closer to her Than I'd ever felt to anybody And then I just And then I just like Walked in and I saw her Just drinking a full glass

Of whole milk I'm never gonna talk to that girl again That's disgusting You know how much you hate milk? I just hate the idea Of just drinking a glass Of whole milk What if it was two percent

We're gonna have to have a serious talk I'd probably still leave her I think there's We'd have an open relationship Yeah exactly It's skim It has to be skim Just like a bowl of egg salad

And a glass of milk It's like you know what Nothing we've shared is worth this You're a monster That is it's A lot of people still drink I can't get behind that I never had milk growing up

But yeah don't you know People that still just like I will eat a sandwich Glass of whole milk So foul I had a girlfriend in high school Who didn't like juice of any kind But drank milk

Out of just drank glasses of milk And it was like I think I've always been ruined by it Because I thought it was so gross I could never get past it Dave Rosenberg Still I think to this day loves milk Remember he did the

He did this diet where he drank A gallon of milk a day Oh And a A go mad diet A gallon of milk a day Oh please That's not a wrink

That's the endorsement against milk though Oh yeah I mean it was Absolutely he looked sick He looked his I mean he's already kind of pale But he looked like milk What? Like he

He became Harvey Milk He wore it He wore the milk He wore the milk It was so big in his stomach He would cough It was on his curves And I would come home

And he would have like A quarter of the milk left And I would look at him And be like you How's it going And he would just like He looked like he was going to cry He would have to open his mouth

Like a milk cart Like you have to squeeze it in It's so hard There's milky tears out of his The thin foam of cream Around his skin He became milk Wait it was there

What's the Why would that Why would anyone think that's a good idea He wanted to He wanted to pack on mass He wanted to gain a lot of weight Because he was trying to bulk up And he bulked up

But it was all in his stomach Yeah that's not good He had cream weight He had 40 pounds of cream in his belly He was also doing no exercise Because the milk made him so sick And lethargic He was weighed down by the dairy

And the lactose I think a lot of things Dave does You can ask with Wait why would anyone think That's a good idea Yeah it doesn't sound like I would say in any nutrition book There's probably like a little addendum

That's like also by the way Don't become milk Whatever you do It's not a good idea It might sound like a good idea to you But don't become milk Yeah it's like a warning If you've done the milk label

Too much consumption Will make you milk That's where this carton came from Enjoy but do not become Somebody else became it So roughly speaking What would you do if you were This girl says

What would you do if I were you If you were this girl Would you not Where would you cut it off Or would you cut it off If you were seeing If you were flirting with a girl And she had a boyfriend

And you didn't Would you cut it off I've well Where do you stand on meddling I have like The first girl I was ever in love with Was in a relationship when I met her And they broke up

And she ended up dating me So I'm not the moral You know But if you guys ended up getting married That's like a lovely story And nobody would actually be offended By the fact that you meddled Yeah I think that like

If I mean I don't yeah Like it's hard to say Like how flirtatious these nights That they've been spending together Have become but Netflix and pizzas It's pretty It's a nine out of ten

It sounds like Yeah I would say at a certain point It's worth bringing it up And saying like Or at least trying to feel out Where his relationship's going you know Like saying I can't keep doing this

If you're still doing that Right She also said something That was like A red flag to me She was like I'm just as responsible as he is And that's not true

If you're in a relationship Though you are the most responsible Like this girl doesn't have to be responsible For this dude's relationship right I'm not asking you That's just a fact I do think that there's more of a moral Weight on the person

In the relationship in these situations Yes definitely I mean I'm not saying that this girl Is completely absolved And you can meddle all you want Right But I will say that like This guy's being the primo asshole

And this girl's being a mini asshole For enabling it So I think if she wants Like the best thing she can do Is say Hey I enjoy spending this time with you But like It's you're in a relationship

So we can't do this kind of thing Right I think that's the best thing to do Because once you give him an ultimatum Like that Then he has to like Sack up and figure out his relationship Because what he's doing right now Is he's just like

He's just having the best of both worlds He's like getting the emotional fulfillment From this girl But not having to make a decision Because breaking up people sucks No one wants to do it So like what he has to do Is he has to like realize

That he can't have both at once And have to actually make a decision About which one he prefers It seems like if he's gotten this far He shouldn't stay with his girlfriend Definitely not No Yeah I think that if you get to this point

You think something's wrong Right You're not getting it from where You should be getting it Yeah I've always felt that way Like if you're in something And you like legitimately feel Like hanging out with somebody else

Or flirting with somebody else Or like in a way that's like serious Right Then that means that something's not right So is it game over? Wouldn't that be the easiest solution Is just like Oh guy breaks up a girl

And then they can go out guilt free Yeah That's the move I think that she has to let him know That he can't have both I think And then it's up to him to decide Which one he actually wants to pursue That's good

Maybe she should ask him like In a really sexy way Like she straddles him And be like do you want this Or do you want your fucking girlfriend Or something like that So like put him in a situation Where he almost feels too bad

To choose the alternative Sure That way Sure We all disagree We're gonna let you keep on digging yourself Into this hole Yeah I wanna know where you're going

With this but Yeah and then she starts undoing her blouse And she's like do you wanna touch me Or do you wanna touch her Right His girlfriends It's a long distance relationship He can't touch her

He can't do it He can't She wins that battle every time Just an idea for the girl Yeah That's the sexiest way To come onto somebody I'm better than nothing aren't I

Yeah It's either this or not Or nothing This is someone far away Yeah Do you do LDRs Long distance stuff Right you into that

I have done it You're okay with it I didn't love it Would you do it again Nope In LA right now You live in New York You meet a girl tonight

Sure She's amazing She's not only hot She's a 6 out of 10 Can we talk about Honestly like the Like I just was like No I wouldn't do it again

And then the second that you Like floated a hypothetical I was like I can be open to it Sure I like love Who's your friend Introduce me Yeah

Do you know somebody This girl is 10 out of 10 Never had milk in her life Yeah Bitch is lactose and tolerance Oh yes Yes

From head to toe Yes he is Fuck Yeah I mean I guess There's always exceptions right But like in my experience From having done it I don't miss it

And I would not rush to do it again Right It's almost like It's not even worth coming up With rules Because it's like Yeah but then there's somebody That could break all the rules anyway

Of course It's like Everyone knows somebody That was in a long distance relationship That they just love the person That much That it made sense And then it worked

Right And I guess like So why close the door to that I think it depends on Whether there's a chance That you will be in the same place Right I think if you're just like

Both indefinitely In different places Then that's You know Something's gotta give there You gotta figure out But if it's like temporary Or like there's a chance

That one person could move Like a malleable job Yeah exactly But if both people have like Jobs they're passionate about On opposite coasts then Even I've heard that happen And then like eventually

Some of them leave One of them leaves the job Yeah I'm a piece of shit I don't know It's Yeah I mean I guess Well there's examples of Every relationship working out

Not working out Right So sort of like Do you want to put yourself through that I guess yeah Like a strong enough love Like conquers any obstacles And I guess I just haven't

Experienced a love that strong So like the obstacles have won Every time like I'm like well no I mean I guess in my experience No the obstacles are It's too much But it's like

In other people's experience I guess it's not That was a very good fortune cookie That you gave out In the middle of that speech What was it about the love In the obstacles Say it one more time

I want to see it in my mind's eye Ideally in a poster Under two people walking along a beach The love in the obstacles Can you say it again You haven't given him a chance to talk One run on sentence this entire time Can you say it again

One more time to think about The obstacles I want to picture it in a poster Can you say it now Three two one zero Now you're going to say it Alright we don't have to hear it I'm recording it

We can listen to it again We'll rewind Somewhere out there Eduardo wants advice And you're facetious Wow that was a long one It's almost time for the break Wow

Let's take a break And we'll be right back with more Dan It's really easy to find a therapist Especially one in your area But better help makes that all easy Because it's online therapy Designed to be convenient, flexible And suitable to your schedule

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And we're back Why are you in LA? No reason at all I'm just seeing friends and hanging out And get out of here Oh, alright You need a reason of purpose Yeah, I'll see you guys later

Is the job at John Oliver as stressful as it sounds? What with you having to create a news show That takes something down in an epic way Every six days? It's pretty intense I mean, I love it It's a lot of fun But it is...

Yeah, it's strange Because you're kind of like Half of your job is writing a research paper And the other half is making it funny So the half that's writing the research paper Is sometimes intense The best... Sometimes we've come to describe it as like

Or at least I have As that anxiety dream Where you have a final paper doing a class That you haven't taken But it's like that, but it's real Oh, man And you're naked for some reason And I'm naked, yeah

I don't work naked But, yeah The worst part is at the end When you finish the script And all your teeth fall out Yeah Falled out of bottomless pit They're all checklist

So, yeah It can be intense But it's very like It's running in a professional way Everyone's like How many writers? Sorry There are nine writers

Okay And do you guys like All work on something together? Do you splinter off? Do you have a writing partner? Are you solo? It's a mix There's a research staff

So when you're working on the big pieces The research staff prepares Like all sorts of information And transcripts And then they And then you go through And you're like I could do something with this

Yeah, basically They'll send over like 200 pages of information And transcripts And then it's on you to like Figure out what In that 200 pages You can, you know

Form into a 15 minute piece And another writer Also does their own version Of that big story And then you You have a meeting where They basically tell you What their favorite parts

Of both of your drafts were And then you and that other writer Combine Favorite aspects of the draft Into one draft And then fill in the blanks And then later on in the process When there's like

Inevitably stuff that You know, jokes that need to be Thought out in a different way That's like the whole staff gets together And brainstorms Jokes that can go And it's usually for those like The pieces of information that are really dark

Or like don't seem like they could possibly Have anything funny about them Will usually meet as a group And try to pitch lots of jokes Yeah To figure out And what about like The things that you decide to take down

Is there a meeting for that Writer's too Or do you guys get like an assignment To say like hey this is This week we want to do something on this The topic he's talking about Oh yeah Oh those can come from anywhere

Research can pitch them The writers can pitch them Research What do they know about Fucking nerds Give me the story nerd Get out of here You're a nerd

You're a writer with a podcast So are you asshole No, don't call me Don't call me a podcaster I'll smack you in the eye Are the researchers funny Or are they just like They're well they have journals and backgrounds

But they're I mean they're like Funny smart people yeah Did they go to Northwestern All of them went to Northwestern Right Yeah We all had to There was a period before the show started

Where we all had to go to Northwestern Yeah If you hadn't gone to Northwestern They sent us to Northwestern You had to apply and at least Get into Northwestern Right Yeah whether or not you actually went there

And you had to join one You had to join one extracurricular Wow Did you do crew Yeah Do they row crew They all did crew Yeah we all rowed

We all rowed on the same boat Northwestern And that was how we We bonded before the job started It was us versus the wing of us You were skanking at the top of the boat Right Yeah

One last question The The format of the show for people who haven't seen Is the So It's a half hour long right Yeah But this main story takes up

Over half the episode Yeah it's usually like Is that Was that a decision Conscious decision from the get go Or like They started getting bigger and fatter And then you guys realized

This is what the people want And like how much did YouTube audience inform that Like oh this is clearly the viral thing This is what people want Let's get that bigger and bigger and fatter I think we were always They were always Looking forward to doing these like longer stories

Yeah But the It was a surprise to us even That like how long we could go And how people would respond positively to that Yeah I remember like the second episode We did this like 12 minute piece on the death penalty

And at the time we It was like We'd been talking about doing the death penalty as a Like wow that would be like a crazy ballsy thing to do Like later in the season Right And then this thing happened where this guy's execution was like Really badly you know botched

And he like didn't die I remember that was funny It was hilarious And so they were like you know what Let's just do it this This week on the second episode Wow And we did this like 12 minute piece on the death penalty

Which at the time We were like First of all that's insane Doing like a long comedy piece on the death penalty Second of all 12 minutes Yeah And then everyone just like Really responded to both halves of that

Where they were like Wow it's so cool to see a comedy piece about such a serious topic And wow it's so cool to see it in depth And then I think there was just this switch that Everyone was just like Wow we can just like So did that change the rest of the season I think

Yeah I think we just went harder in that direction Than we maybe otherwise I think we would have gotten there But we got there faster because of that And like I mean I would watch a full half hour of just that stuff I think that's the thing is that like Tell us we were all like

We were like Wow I can't even imagine like people Like paying attention to one topic for this long How incredibly boring and dark And then like People just were like I love that Yeah

And we were like Oh okay yeah Then let's just do that You know what it is It's like You're kind of like Putting sweet stuff around medicine So it's like

Here's a bunch of jokes And you guys don't know it But you're actually learning about something important You're feeding It's like It's not how you give dogs medicine You have it in dog food That's how they should teach classes in school

Yeah like I learned more from John Oliver's show Last week tonight Than I would from the news Because it's the One you guys are covering stuff That the news wouldn't cover But two you're covering it in a way

That makes me want to digest it Yeah Yeah it's a lot of like World view stuff It's not just like the Daily Show I mean the Daily Show is also great But that seems to be like A very political

Like things happening right here in the country Right And John Oliver is just like Huge Worldly topics International International topics Yeah it's cool for that reason

And it's um Yeah I mean it's fun From on the inside To learn about all that stuff And uh Cause you also have to learn Like we have to learn it Fairly well before

We can explain it to others Just like anything Right You know and so it's like You become this weird expert In a random topic And just become a weird Like not

That must be really good On dates you know Yeah Oh man yeah Hey So babe You wouldn't believe The uh

The function that Municipal fines serve In the uh Alabama court system And how they keep down The minority population I actually do care Does your

That's fucking cool Does your Do you have Tinder Uh At the moment I'm I have deleted it But I'm

Sure I will Did your bio say Writer at last week tonight Uh Yeah I did Didn't at first And then I added it Smart move

Did it help? I don't know I mean like People like Writing my job On like An online dating platform But there's something

Like If you say that You're a comedy writer But you don't Say what your job is You don't like Yeah if you don't But you don't imply in any way

That you're actually Doing it for a living People just I think would Completely assume that You're just Because 98% of the times Comedy writers are

Either self-employed Or unemployed Right So I like A comedy writer That submits Headlines to the Like the wrong email address

I don't want to like I wouldn't I would hope that's not like A reason to go on a date With me But I also like It is like I don't want to come across

Like I'm just like A failed Well it's sort of It's a reason to go on a date With you But not in a way that's like Oh this guy has a good job It's

What it shows is like This guy's hard working And gainfully employed It's not like You get handed a job Like that I think so Yeah I think it's like

I think I'm just Yeah I'm afraid of coming Across as like I think nobody really believes That comedy writing is Kind of be like No but for real though You have to own it a little bit

Yeah I think I think it's just a matter of like Being proud of it I mean like I worked for it Yeah I remember that came up once Where I was like Oh should I

I think in a weird Slightly tangential way Somebody was trying to convince me To put a picture of me and Jake In my Tinder stream So that people would know that Like I did this stuff That like maybe it would trigger something

I was like Oh isn't that like cheap Like oh she would only like me Because I was in a I was in videos That stuff that she would recognize But then someone's like Yeah but like

That's beyond physical attraction The other thing people are attracted to Is like how successful you are In your field And what you do for a living So it's not like shallow For a bad reason Right

It's showing that you like Worked hard at something Yeah I think that it's like I think that the adverse effect Of coming across like you might Just be like a Like an unemployed like Aspiring comedy writer

Is much worse than the like Potential cocky effect Of sounding like Something about your job I think it's like I think it's okay to like Own the fact that you've worked hard And you're ambitious

And you like You know It's good to be proud of your job To like your job a lot To like your job a lot And they never actually Like I could put that I feel like couldn't I

And my Tinder I could be like Writer on last week tonight I could do like last week tonight I mean Well Head writer You should say head writer

Head writer for last week And writing for the last Contributing author Why not showrunner What would you say his name was Tim If you change your name No

Yes Oh I might make my pictures John Oliver Just like on Tinder I'll be like Swiping or whatever But then when you meet

The girl what happens I'll say I duped you It's too late for you now And now we're on a date And you're after Where are you going You already agreed

To the location and time Once a girl's been duped She doesn't leave She's usually like Well I've been duped I owe you this much She sounds like Snaps

Duped me Duped me Now you gotta Now you gotta scoop me What does that mean Let's get to the second question We're running out of time The second and last question

Alright Guy's name Oh sorry Stefan Stefan writes Hey guys I got this problem with my best friend Me and him both like

The same girl And got into a fight about it He was in a group of friends And she was with him And since it was a group I thought I can come in And hang out When I got there

I stood behind him And he told me What the fuck are you doing here Why are you here And he pointed to the door And told me to leave He is probably one of my Closest friends

Because we are the same person Practically He invites me to anything And actually started Working out with me He looks better than me But me and him are both Smoke shows

The only advantage I have Is that I am taller than him We have a very good relationship Like we buy things for each other And just hang out every day I admire him Because he got me to start Working out

And going out I don't know what to do Please help me This girl is like an 8 But we are both friends with her What would you guys do If you both like The same girl

As your best friend Straight up And I am embarrassed to say this I might have spaced out For the first like 5 cents of that Are they actively fighting Over the same girl

That's pretty much it Yeah Do they like get in a fight And they both realize That was the saddest situation ever This dude came over To a group of people Including the girl that he liked

And his friend Was just pushing him And telling him to leave Okay So he was just approaching This girl to talk to her And his friend said Get the fuck out of there

She's mine Is she actually his? No Just he wants her to like her Yeah It seems like they're just Both vying after the same girl Then he goes on to say

How much he likes this guy Because they're the same person But he's slightly taller Right It sort of turns into like The two pieces Like one You should

If it's bothering your friend This much Just say It's not ever really worth it You just say Okay, yeah, you know what You You go after this girl

And I don't need to But this guy is such an asshole That I'm pretty tempted to say He's not your best friend And you shouldn't admire him Yeah All this admiration seems Misplaced

It seems like he has A quasi crush on himself He's like This guy's so great He's exactly like But not as tall There's no better person than me I'm the person I want to be

That's why I'm becoming me And this person Accidentally did that I'm a strong knee Yeah I only befriend lesser versions of me The closer you are to me The more friendships I have with you

Because that's how close you became to me Yeah, I don't know I think it's If you start an email That your friend pushed you out of the way And said to stay away from a girl Generally you don't end that email With a long string of compliments

About what a wonderful man he is Well, two things One, have you ever Seen a girl That you and your friend Both have a crush on? Have you ever wished That you had Jesse's girl?

Yeah I mean Yeah, it's tough Because for me If that happens It's game over, you know Yeah, I understand For sure

I'm not gonna say which direction It's definitely game over Well, I only hang out With ugly horrible people So then I'm always the catch The better option The better option The lesser versions of yourself

Exactly I don't I don't know if I've ever Like really competed over a girl Maybe I think I had maybe some A crush on the same girl Somebody else

Maybe in high school I was like But I was like 15 I don't know if that counts Right Not as an adult No, yeah Yeah

If that's happening as an adult You just gotta That's not worth it What do you do? Have you ever had that situation? Were you and a friend both Were like Yeah

I, for me Every time it happened I never ever lost Oh So at a certain point I realized You were 12 and 0 I realized

I was like You know what If I'm gonna win every single time Then it's only It's not really a good competition Oh Then I'm just sort of an evil man Who steals women from people

You're always the second time Like you were always last You would just steal people's girlfriends I did that a lot And then like I mean I'm not sure how often It was ever like

Two of my friends It definitely happened But like You know What are you gonna do? I don't want to be an asshole But I really never ever I always got the girl

So it was like I just Then I sort of shifted to I thought friendship was more important I didn't want to Steal anybody's Anybody's crush I think that's also important

To nip it in the bud early Before you really start to care Cause that's when you like Don't want to give up If you like If you're at the beginning stage Of liking somebody And you realize it's gonna be a conflict

I would always just like Peel back first Like oh I can like somebody else So much of it is like Happenstance Like If you're seated next to someone Or dancing next to someone

And like You just have the first Four minute conversation That almost like Sends you off on a trajectory Where you're with that person No cause it also is like When there's competition

It always goes to the person who Well not always Nevermind sorry It's a totally different Sometimes you have to try really hard And sometimes you have to try a lot less Right Like sometimes the guy that tries too hard

You start looking like A nice chivalrous guy next to that guy That tries too hard It kind of depends what the other guy's doing You just have to do the opposite Totally I didn't learn that lesson until I was like

In my early 20s Like I spent like all of high school Being like If I'm the sweetest, most sensitive man All of the ladies Will appreciate my sensitivity Who's Dan? Yeah exactly

Who are you talking about? I've never seen that guy But that's not to say that it's not like A good trait like But it is like Yeah you have to like A little bit see what You know you don't want to be that

That one all the time Right You know There's also like It has to be mutual And usually I can only speak for like One lady and two dudes

Cause I've never been on the other side As two ladies versus one dude But it seems like She just is naturally Gravitating towards one of you Right yeah I mean there's It's never like at the end of several days

Like it's still a toss up Well of course It's entirely her choice She gets to choose you The other guy or neither And but Or To save your friendship

You can say I'm out of the running entirely Like Say Dan's a girl And we both like him Right And you say Look Jake

Back off I really like Dan Then all I can do If I want to stay friends with you I'm out of the picture And then say Dan does like me As long as I'm out of the picture

You can't be mad at me But then you can go after Dan No I can't go after Dan Because I promise you To preserve our friendship That I will not like Dan Even if he likes me And not you

But isn't that like a dibs thing Which you don't like Like oh I call dibs on Dan Yeah Dan doesn't like me You can't hook up with Dan Because I call dibs I don't believe in dibs

I think there's a difference Between dibs And you telling me As a friend to back off Isn't that the same thing As a dibs saying back off Well I think the dibs thing That we do is like

If there's a girl at a bar And somebody's like dibs I'm gonna like I get dibs I'm gonna talk to her first Like that's not necessary That's not cool at all But if you're like

Look I really like this girl And I don't want you to go after her I think I could do you the honor If you're a good man to me I can say I won't go after her Or if you want to You have a different conversation With me being like

We really actually like each other Right And then I have to give you The honor back I have to bestow you the honor We all have to treat each other With honor Yeah

Honor is the most important thing All I actually Man at the end of the day Man I only care about honor So we do We're there at a bar In our kimonos With our large Japanese swords

And honor is the We honor each other It is Yeah exactly I Well before you guys approach A girl at a bar You bow to each other

That's the first thing That's true we do We show each other mutual respect By bowing the same distance I honor you I honor you We eskimo kiss I honor your family

And then we Yeah then we go to the To the woman And we bow We get on one knee Sure I will actually give her a bow A pork bob

So I will bow to Jake And then I will present To the lady A bow There was one time I was talking to a girl At a bar I bought her a drink

And I looked at you To give you a thumbs up And you are on your knees Committing Yeah how we carry I wanted to show you That I have Your ultimate honor

In my fight You are honoring I am shame You sliced In the shape of a heart You sliced out Yeah My vital organs

Yeah Man That is That is incredibly respectful Yeah And also if you like If a girl sees that Two people are like

Actively vying for her There's always the You know The danger is she's gonna Pull like a jasmine In a laden And be like I am not a prize to be one

Yeah Shit You gotta watch out for that And then she just goes home with Raja Yeah Starts fucking a tiger Starts fucking that tiger Can actually show you guys

A picture that I found on That's what it is There's a dance It's like I don't think I mean Dibs is off the table Cause Dibs is just sort of Calling somebody like

You're at an auction or whatever But if we're like If we have a crush on the same person You say I like her And then I let you approach And then if that doesn't go well I say

Permission Will you honor me With your permission Absolutely not brother I appreciate your honor But I can't reciprocate I think that's And I guess

You know what I would do that once And if you did it to me twice If you did it to me twice Where I asked if I could Approach somebody And you said no After the last girl

Had gotten away I think Yeah I think that You have done me a dishonor And a disservice And I must diss you I wanna talk to a girl About how it works on the other side

When two girls like a guy Is there a Dibs thing? I wanna also know her viewpoint If you and I both like them And say she likes one of us Right Well sorry If you like me

Or if you like a mirror I called you So You have to be with me now It's me or no one I think the closest we have Is Dan pretending to be a woman So if we can just

Ask you a series of questions And then you can just sort of How do you keep your box? Say how do I keep my box? How do you woman scape? Oh sure Thanks so much for asking Have you ever fallen

A different question That came out of this Have you ever had a best friend And then you just Realized you didn't like him anymore? Cause that happens over time It's like oh this guy's my best friend But I don't really like him

It's like oh that's cause you guys Grew up and now you're different people Right I guess not Not as like an adult But definitely in high school I had some friends from like Childhood that Around age like 17

It became pretty clear we were Running paths Right But never in a way that it like Actually you know what There was one There was one kid I was younger though

But there was a kid that I Like hung out with Between the ages of maybe like 8 and 13 And then I think when we were 14 We got in like an actual fight Like a physical fight In my house

That involved like Us like one of us hitting The other one with a tennis racket Holy shit We were like angry at each other And I don't even remember What or why But it like

Yeah we just We went down different paths One of you hit the other With a tennis racket I believe so yeah You have to remember Who was hitting who And who was getting hit right

I think we both had A weapon of some sort And I think mine was The tennis racket But I think he had something else He had a baseball bat And one of us was hitting The other with a

To the dead beating him to death With the Wimbledon pro staff Of pro keniks You actually ended up Advantage me This is on clay Can you believe it Interior

Roland Garros night A prepubescent sweet dangur Which will wailing to death His best friend of five years I'm Rafa now Yeah I don't know what happened there I think we were just like I think we were like teasing each other

And then it like got mean And we both just started like Making fun of each other And then we got really angry And then it was just clear That that friendship was not going anywhere So maybe that's what this guy's going through Right now

I think also it's like There's a difference between One time and like a repeated offender Like if this guy's like Maybe he's just like Really loves this girl And like really You know it's like

You gotta allow for that But if he's constantly Making this other guy feel like shit And feel like he's like less than Then that's not cool Let's answer this specific question What would you do If you both like the same girl

If you and your best friend Like the same girl It's tough to say Without knowing how she feels Because it's not up to It's not up to like It's up to her you know But that's not saying to the girl

Like I'm sorry You have to choose him But it is saying like You know what you say I think you have a conversation With your friend first You say If you really like her

And you want me to back off I'll stop flirting with her As much as I have been So like I won't pursue it any further And whatever happens after that Is between the girl and that guy And you know back into the world Yeah you'd hope that in any conversation

Between you and a friend It would come out that one of you Is like really serious about it And the other one was just kind of Like I don't know You know like generally I can't see it being possible That two people would like fight to the death

For like the affections of one woman That they don't know that well Like one of them is gonna kind of like Be like you know what I don't care that much I think I feel like it's up to the girl Like this can go one of two ways

Definitely up to the girl for sure Yeah but like if the girl was into me And not my friend I wouldn't be like alright fine You can have her Or you can go after her Well you don't say that like You don't give him access to her

All he's asked All you do is leave That's it But if we have a thing More than they have a thing I don't think I should leave But I thought aren't we in this like Hypothetical it's like

They don't Neither one of them knows her that well right Sure I think cause it's Yeah cause that's the only way You can judge it right If you're like mid-relationship with her And you guys are like having a lot of fun

And you're flirting with each other a lot And then tapping in And he's like no Like I have liked her too Like then it's different But we're imagining the very very beginnings This girl's like This girl's a pretty girl in a group

So you don't like You're not actually invested Right Or you shouldn't be You haven't gone on any dates Right But it's not saying like You're not saying

You have to choose my friend now It's just like You're no longer an option Would you ever say to your friend You gotta back down No I would never say that But I've had people say it to me And I'm like

I have that same conversation That Dan's talking about Like oh wait do you actually care And if they're like Yes I really care Oh okay I didn't care at all And then sometimes I don't think it's ever happened

In my recent memory I've never been like I care a lot Right I guess it also depends on the friend Like if it's a friend who doesn't Doesn't really have these feelings a lot Then it's like

Right if it was If it was Jeff or Dave saying it I would be like Fuck off you don't like them that much But I mean you've never said it to me So if we both like the girl And you're like I really like this girl

I would definitely back off I could think of a time That that did happen And did I back off? Yeah When was it? I went with this part out I did do that

Yeah exactly You backed off? Yeah Okay So it can happen Yeah I think it depends on the dynamic Between the two guys

I was in a situation recently Where yeah like I didn't know at the beginning That this girl that I Was having kind of like Felt a connection with That like another One of my friends also did

But just like by the end of the day That we were all kind of hanging out I just it was pretty clear That I was just hitting it off With her really well Right So it's like I didn't feel the need to like

Have a discussion with him about it It just sounds like I don't know I'm just It's going well for like us Like you know Oh well for you He didn't ask you to step back did he? No it was like

No it was But I like But I heard through a friend That he was like also interested in her You know You know what that's happened to me too Where like I didn't necessarily Kind of thought maybe somebody

Was interested in somebody But then I hit it off And then like didn't There was no conversation And it was sort of like A loaded conversation After the fact to be like Oh I did actually hooked up

With that girl Right Oh cool Yeah it was Yeah I think it's similar It's like yeah I was I just didn't like I didn't stop things

From going in the direction They were going Well that goes back to honor Because sometimes You'll feel shame And I'll say like Hey I'm sorry I hit it off with this girl

And the guy that likes her Is in about his honor He's about his shame He's like I can't I want to hear no more of this Shit your pants in front of me If you really want the honor

I want you to have a scoop of shame With it And only then Shit your pants And you get them what you want Alright cool Can this episode be called Honor and Shame

I think it will Honor and Shame Which one do you want to be Everyone choose one Both of my biceps This one says honor This one also says honor Shame is written across

The shaft of my dick My calf says honor Everything in between These two biceps is shame You just put shame On body parts you don't like Those two honor biceps And then shame everywhere else

You're so proud of your arms With the rest of your bodies You're just like Oh no I do a lot of curl It'd be very funny To have two incredibly strong arms And have a really pathetic

Weak body everywhere else That's Dave Rosenberg Really? Yeah I love how quickly you guys Were like We've had this conversation We haven't

We've gone to the gym with Dave So many times And he only curls He only does stuff for his biceps He curls and drinks milk That's the behavior of someone Who's only seen cartoons About working out

He just wants a quick papa He's like Well that's it I guess I just do this a lot With my arms Have you ever seen Dave At his desk squeezing a can of spinach And nothing happens

Desperately trying for it To be a rainbow into his mouth Alright Dan Do you have anything to plug before you go? Keep in mind There will be Thousands

Of people listening to this Holy shit So this means a lot Yeah Well in that case And we're out of time No No I definitely do not

Nothing? Twitter? Instagram? I'm sure You're gonna get a moderately amusing tweet Once every three and a half weeks The show you write It's doing fine without our endorsement

HBO's actually advertising it HBO's president called me today And was like dude If you could really Plug that show on the HBO sent me a care package Based on me following that Really?

Well that's right I remember that You were like a mover shaker In the media world A trend setter When is the show on? Just for it And you can see it on YouTube as well

Which is how I see it You can see the About half of it on YouTube How many more people watch it On YouTube than on HBO? No not quite But it's definitely like A bunch more million

Are added everywhere It is pretty cool Like you don't see any other show I guess you do Like Daily Show puts their stuff online But like Game of Thrones does not Uploading like twenty minute

Clips of their shows So like HBO is kind of Doing like a cool little thing Yeah it's pretty awesome I think they realize that the show Would you know It wouldn't be like The cultural discussion point

That it is If it wasn't If people couldn't check it out Yeah But it is There is one thing that's kind of Like because it's only those Heavy topics that go on YouTube

I think people Sometimes think that's like The whole show is that heavy But there's actually a lot of Very silly stuff on the show It's not usually what's put on YouTube That's true

But yeah Cool Thank you again for coming Thanks for having me If you have your own questions Or theme song submissions Or thumbnails or anything That email again

Is if I were you show At gmail.com Thanks to Anderson Aka pictures of Vernon For writing the opening theme song And thanks to Corey Lang Who made a wonderful Wonderful world parody

For the closing theme song We'll be back next week Dan unfortunately Is about to die But Me and Jake will be here Alright later guys Oh!

If I were you show Ah yeah Now see that cheat If I were you show