If I Were You - 162: Anti Drug

Episode Date: July 13, 2015

In this episode we discuss investing, marijuana, and the best cities in America.This episode is brought to you by MileIQ, BollAndBranch, and BlueApron!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

I've got a problem in my life A sticky situation, moral quandary, dilemma, dire, straights or strife But if I can't decide on what to do I type on up an email and address it to, if I were you They'll make my path a bit less hazy My vision was blurry, but now it is clear My will, tough, detervy, but now there's no fear All hope is restored, all thanks to Jake and Amir

My car was in park, but now it's in gear I was far from the mark, but they brought me here The plan, it is safe, thanks to Jake and Amir It's Jake and Amir Love that pop punk voice And, what do you, do you like me? We're talking about something else You're constantly talking about something else

And you constantly want us to be talking about you Or like whether it's you talking about me or I'm talking about me Also I complimented something and you got mad at me Every compliment to something else Doesn't detract from you It's right, it detracts from me No, it does not If I told somebody else that they had a nice shirt

You think that means you have a bad shirt Small If you're not saying nicely By the way, you do have a bad shirt It's stained, it's yellow, it's thin It says fuck you, you fucking fuck The worst the shirt can be is thin Disagree, I think a thin shirt's pretty nice

So what if it's so thin, you can start to see the skin If it's sheer, that's not necessarily But not sheer all the way around, it's thinning Like it has sheer spots To me that connotes a very, very comfortable shirt I would, I think a thick shirt is worth Like a really thick Haynes B.P.T. Yeah, like a gildan

Even if you wash Those blurry letters, if you're reading this You're standing too close And then at the bottom is just my social security number And it's cut off high, it's a bare midriff Thick Haynes B.P.T. With a swear word You would say that would be the worst shirt

That's probably the worst the shirt could be Russ Wolfe is the guy who sang that song You can find him on YouTube Under Russ Wolfe with an E Or on Facebook under Russ Wolfe Music So, yeah Okay, I will You think so?

I think I'll look him up on Facebook later today I think I'll remember to do that Russ Wolfe Now I actually might Because you've said it twice Yeah, Russ Wolfe, Russ Wolfe If you repeat it It will come

Yeah, it gets ingrained more We're in a new home Holy shit I know you guys are sick and fed up of hearing it Because literally every four episodes We're in a new home We move Yeah

We often are, we're transient Yes, we move a lot Every couple weeks we'll move We are a nomadic crew Not in a convenient way No, in an inconvenient way Like it sucks to move so much We have no roots

Imagine a plant starting to grow And then like the roots grow And then you rip it up Yeah, every time you acquire something All you're thinking about is which bag Will it go in in two weeks Does it fit in a bag? Yeah

But no more No longer We are doing a normal thing Which is staying in a place for one calendar year 12 months We signed a lease 52 weeks It is not Raven's Nest

Of course it is not Raven's Nest Nor do you think I don't think you should bring up Raven's Nest Yes, it is We don't, we can't We shouldn't And we aren't I don't have to

I don't have to speak of her Because I am always thinking of her Exactly She is in my heart, mind and in my blood I am not in her, but she is in me Raven's Nest is a contact lens Upon which we all see the world It is all filtered through Raven's Nest

Because Raven's Nest is the world Absolutely It is more than the world It is the seventh wonder of the world It is the universe It is also the first and sixth wonder of the world It is the wonder That is the world

It is the film by which we see the universe Everything you see is Raven's Nest You've never seen Raven's Nest You can't picture Raven's Nest Because you can't picture Utopia Because it's not real It is only real to I and to thee Who have seen her

But cannot speak of her And that is our own private hell Because we will never be able to accurately describe Her beauty to anyone And if you close your eyes Guess what? You are staring directly into Raven's Nest Because that pure blackness that is your soul

Is your soul reflected off of her soul Which is crystalline and clear and perfect And you are nothing We have a nice little Spanish casita What we have is Raven's Nest took a dump one day And we scurried along Put it into a plastic bag and moved into it

There's no pool here But it is nice It's pleasant It's fine It is a good home It is fine It is a home Luckily we have a room dedicated to podcasting

Yeah So look at this I'm sitting on a couch I'm not holding the microphone Because we bought mic stands Very cool We're getting We're inching closer towards adulthood

Yeah But let's What is this? What are you listening to? It's an advice podcast It's called If I Were You And it's the only advice podcast On the internet

Hosted by me And me I'm Amir I'm Josh Josh R We'll get emails from people To If I Were You show at gmail.com And they're basically confused

A lot of these people are scared Some of them are alone Many of them are coy They're coyed by the fact That they don't know what to do They are seeking guidance Who do they come to? Of course the two smartest people they know

Me And Clark Kent Wow He is busy Saving the world So I fill in for that So we are going to be reading

Real emails right now From real people Let's give them fake names Just to preserve their anonymity I don't want like their shit getting out Do you have a name For this first person who Let's say he was

He's Talking about drugs And weed Oh Rosie Rosie, right Hey guys I got caught in an awkward situation

Last night And I was wondering if you could help me out Last night I was texting back and forth With my best friend Of five years When she casually mentioned to me That she likes to smoke weed

Now Something you should know about me Is that I'm really anti-drug I'm one of those few people That was brainwashed In the fifth grade By dare program And I haven't shaken my opinion since

It's to the point Where I have extreme disrespect Towards people who do drugs Even if they're otherwise great people So even though I'm a hundred percent In the wrong And literally all my friends Think my stance on this is crazy

I can't help but feel Nothing but disgust Towards my friend I haven't spoken to my friend since that fateful text So how do I casually drop the hint That I'm disgusted by her weed habit Without making her mad I feel like she should know how I feel

Since, you know, we're best friends Thanks, love Rosie Hmm Hmm He's some sort of weed bigot Yeah, he's a wigot I think this is sort of I think at this point

It's kind of safe to say That if you are like extremely anti-weed You're gonna come out on the wrong side of history Oh wow There are states like legalizing it one by one It's gonna end up being like There's an issue And there's people on either side of it

I personally think it's fine You think society is trending Towards acceptance for weed Yes I do Which seems like it's already I mean, it's happening Like you said, it's already illegal

But even if something is legal He can say that he doesn't like it Right, that's true Like Driving 180 miles per hour That's not legal Okay, bad example Hurting someone

Like murder Of course, illegal I'm struck I'm racking my brain Like murder, you said What's a little legal thing Shoplifting Okay

Shoplifting Or cigarettes Right, exactly right Shoplifting Well, one of them is legal, one of them is not And it's impossible to say which one's which Yeah, cigarettes is a good example Legal, but you can be against it

You can be disgusted by it Yeah, so this guy happens to be disgusted by Marihuana But he seems to know that he's wrong He's very self-aware in the fact that he's like Oh, yeah, I know that I'm 100% in the wrong And all my friends think my stance on this is crazy But I'm disgusted He also goes as far as to say that he was brainwashed

Yeah, he knows So he has sort of an abhorrent view of anti-drug people How can you be brainwashed and know that you've been brainwashed? Doesn't that mean you haven't been brainwashed? Yeah, so he hasn't been fully brainwashed Yeah It's a light soak Yeah

He's been brain rinsed I'm high right now Are you? Yes We've never done a podcast high Yeah Some requests have come in I don't know if we'd be...

Well, I guess... Yeah, we could try it It will definitely be different I would be more self-conscious if I were stoned Right I would probably be a little... I would be more quiet Right, or like...

And then like trying to act normal But then like you're starting to think Am I just acting normal or coming across as normal? What we should do is do one Without telling anyone we're high Oh, and then when we like promote it or something Yeah We'd be like, did you guys realize that this one was a little weird

And then like we could record the ad afterwards And we'll say, this is a fun one, things got real We got high Yeah And the sponsor will appreciate that So what should this guy do? I feel like his question is flawed How do I casually drop a hint that I'm disgusted by her weed habit

Without making her mad? Yeah She should be mad at you For being disgusted by her Although maybe she shouldn't No Like you said with cigarettes This girl smokes cigarettes and he's saying

How do I drop a hint that I'm disgusted without making her mad? But you wouldn't... Even if somebody smokes cigarettes A friend of yours smokes cigarettes You would tell them that you didn't care for it Right But to say I'm disgusted by it is a little... It's much

It's a little too much So I think the thing to do is Maybe you just like, you know Do nothing Or Why don't you voice your displeasure But don't try to let it alter your... Yeah, I'd say something like, you know, I don't agree with it

But that's your choice Yeah If you really want her to know Which it doesn't really matter because What are you like, what's the hope That he wants to A, make her uncomfortable with it Or and probably thus in doing so B, make her change and not smoke weed anymore

But that would, according to him That would be 100% in the wrong So He's basically asking if he can take this girl Into the wrong with her, with him Right You shouldn't, if you think you're wrong Don't try to prove people wrong

Because you are wrong You can't double wrong Yeah, that's not a right Two wrongs don't make a... That is a saying that I just came up with Whoa, let's hear it Two wrongs don't make a right So what does that mean?

It's like, just because you're doing something wrong If you get me to do something wrong too Like, it doesn't, it's not It's not like, it's not making a right thing Oh, okay That's sort of like a way to look at it Can I tell you a phrase that I just came up with? Sure

A bird in the hand is worth two inside of a Let's say a A shrub A bird in the hand If I have a bird in my hand, that's worth two birds inside of a bush Why is that? Because I can say, let's say this bird is worth a hundred bucks And the birds in the bush are what?

Fifty each? I don't know Ish, would you say? That sounds about right I feel like you're asking me to agree to a lot for this to make sense I have a bird in hand, a hundred bucks I just feel like you set it up in a strange way An average bush bird is fifty

You're like telling me that But I don't know if that's true A bird in the hand is worth two Yeah, so two I feel like you're forcing a lot of information in to make this thing make sense I don't think so What do you think about this phrase? Time flies

But only so when you're having fun Having a good time or fun Time flies when you're having fun And what does that mean? That means like, okay, I'm having a great time But I keep looking at my clock Yeah And I don't know what the fuck's going on

There's a little hand is on the two The big hand's on the five You know, another way it could make sense is if you're saying like, you know You don't look at the watch when you're having fun And time seems to go a little quicker Because Well, it's a time goes quicker when you're having a good time Yeah, no, that's not right

That doesn't make sense No, yeah, time's the same Right, time is a constant Yeah, but it's like yours is like you're having a broken, silly watch Although now that I think about it I think that the speed of light is constant And time is like relative And I, that's sort of a theory that I came up with

I think I can sort of quantify it in this equation So energy Yeah I'm just trying to do the math in my head Equals Would equal something Yeah, mass The weight of an object

M And then The speed of light Is what? Which is constant C Oh, C But not just equals MC It would be like

C times C E equals MC squared That's amazing You just came up with that Well, I'm just like trying to think Are you riffing? Yeah I'm doing a

Yeah, I think that works Because I'm just I'm trying to figure it out I just farted it out my fucking face just now But yeah, equals MC squared So don't tell your friend not to smoke pot anymore I used to be like this My friend started to smoke pot at the end of high school

And I never did And I was like, oh shit, this is bad Like I'm in a bad mood when my friends are smoking pot Because they're starting to become druggies And I'm on the outside looking in And they're having this shared experience That I'm not a part of Because I don't want to smoke

Right So all my friends are becoming cool without me And you sort of resent them You're like, oh, you guys are being like This is gross, this is disgusting Yeah You guys shouldn't be doing this Or I would just be in a bad mood

And they would ask me what's wrong And I'd be like, I don't understand Why we're getting high now To me, it was the equivalent of If all my friends now started doing heroin And I'd be like, what are you guys doing? Like you're throwing your life away This isn't fun, I'm not going to do it

That makes sense, because that is That is like these steps that you take And I think when your friends start drinking When you're younger, you're like, oh, I don't know Like this is bad, you guys That's kind of right But then eventually everyone gets a little older They start drinking

I think the same thing happens with weed And then maybe it's happening with molly or cocaine And those drugs, like Yeah, that's like pretty much on the cusp Like maybe we should not be doing that, right? And then for sure, heroin, crack Like there is a point where the person's saying Like guys, this is too much, is right

But I think it's not at weed But how do you know? Like how do you know what's the point Where it's actually dating? Like where do cool people also say no to that? Yeah, I had the exact same experience With drugs when I was growing up Right

Like hey, this is not cool The next hardest drug is always seemingly The hardest drug Right Like zero to weed is the same as weed to whatever I don't know What's the one above weed? Cocaine

Is it, there's nothing in between weed and cocaine? That seems like a big stretch Mushrooms Oh The mushrooms are pretty intense too What about Adderall? That's like a pill Yeah, that's true

I think, well, maybe the difference is With cocaine and Adderall you can This is another example of when I Don't entirely know what I'm talking about But this is like me working through it, right? Mm-hmm You can get addicted to cocaine and Adderall Like pretty easily

I don't think there's like As much to say that you can get addicted to mushrooms And weed Though people do have it Hmm I think, are there like studies that say That you don't really get addicted You don't have like the same type of reliance

As you do on weed On weed as you do with like alcohol Right, like there's no chemical addiction You can't be chemically addicted Though I feel like you can find a study That says everything What we should really do is consult an expert Or at the very least a Google search

Yeah Where I can only assume an expert has written an article Right But you can find articles on everything Of course Experts have a million different opinions They get paid by Pfizer They get paid by the government

Multi-trillion dollar pharmaceutical Funded this study Follow the thread all the way to the top And you know what Follow the money people And you pull the thread at the dollar bill It's a tug-o-war And you look up and uh-oh

What's the thread going straight into Uncle Sam's ass I was gonna say Obama's ear Oh Very nice I think you don't have to like tell your friend That you're disgusted by her She probably feels your judgment

More than you realize Yeah, especially cause you already told her And you haven't texted her since Mm-hmm So uh How about lightening up Yeah man You're gonna get a little bit more chill on the matter

It's really weird when we talk about Like on this podcast about like people being Cooler with drugs Yeah It seems like pretty bad advice Right But we're giving more realistic advice Than like quote-unquote good official advice

Yeah, that's true You don't have to smoke weed But as long as she's doing it Uh, semi-response Like as responsibly as you can do a drug Yeah I don't think it's really your place to be like You're disgusting

Right I mean you can always tell on her Tell her mommy or whatever Alright That's what you do with all your friends I got them all in prison You barked them, you called cops I hit a-

You set up a sting operation You wore a wire For no reason It was a thick black wire Underneath my thin shirt They saw it right away So sheer Alright

Let's answer another query Nice This one's a little different This guy's asking a question about what he should do Now that he's just graduated from college Okay Do you have a name for him? Micah

Micah writes I just graduated from college And me and a buddy are looking to get out of the same state We've lived in all our lives In the mid-Atlantic area What are some great cities for young people to move to Within a recent grad budget Y'all do a lot of traveling

So maybe you can lend some perspective Second question I have some money I'm looking to invest I'm thinking about putting some in the Berkshire class B shares But if you guys have any other suggestions about some stock picks I'd love to hear something new I really enjoy the show Thanks, love Micah

So this guy wants to know where to live And how to invest his money wisely I love how much he's trusting us Yeah And we've got advice for this guy Right At the very least we're more of an expert in the where to live situation But I think we can offer some

Both of us have money in the market We are playing the field Obviously you do need Do you want to answer that question first or the city? Let's do cities first Because that's fun We love romanticizing cities Every single city we visit I want to move to

You want to live there Let's go back and forth I think we're going to have very similar favorite cities In America Okay What would you say is your number one? Or one of your number one options A guy's like I got no responsibility

No family Just me and my friend going to move to a city Where should I? Austin, Texas Austin, Texas, great example Weather is nice I put a premium on weather A lot of people don't give a shit This guy's from the mid-Atlantic area

I assume that's probably one of the worst Weathers you can be in It's really really hot in the summer Freezing cold in the winter Austin very temperate, mild Hot in the summer But not like humid hot Right, right, right, right

It's affordable It's cheaper there than in most big cities It's cool We go to Austin, we're saving money Austin is very hip, very cool And the people there are great Austin might be on the decline It used to be cool 10 years ago

Right, now too many people are Knowing about Austin Maybe the secret's out on Austin Now you got to go to St. Paul or something But I don't actually know about that We don't know what the other cool Another cool city is Portland Portland's really cool, I love Portland

Yeah, weather's also It's a little iffy, it's wet If you don't mind the rain, we highly recommend it Same type of people Pacific Northwest Seattle also Addicts Seattle Seattle's nice, you're in the Pacific Northwest still

A little rainier than Portland But a bigger city If you love that city vibe Now, what about Los Angeles The city that we live in Fuck it, no, okay, don't bother Orlando, Florida Very nice

I'm maybe putting New York above LA New York City, oh yeah, because these people just graduated Right, I know it's hard to imagine New York On a budget, but It exists, you could live in Brooklyn Or Queens and like Be and do fine

So it's not prohibitively Expensive, poor people live in New York All over the place My theory on New York, having lived there New York is great if you're Really, really broke Or really, really rich Because if you're broke, you just live in a shitty hole

In the wall and eat like $2 slices of pizza But you get to go to all those fun bars and clubs And it's just like, everyone is poor with you It's hard to have money in New York Because it's so expensive And it's also more fun when you're younger I wouldn't recommend 30-somethings

Moving to New York for the first time It's a little more difficult It's a little more taxing New York City, great example If you're looking for some budget options Austin, Portland Any other ones come to mind? I mean, those are my top ones

Yeah? Is there anything that comes to your mind? The Midwest has some like Cool cities, cool college towns But it's so fucking cold there In the winter, it hurts my bones Yeah, yeah, that's true We had a lot of fun in Ann Arbor

In Madison, to a bigger city Extent, Chicago But we were never there Throughout an entire winter I never looked up real estate In Seattle, Portland And Austin I like, legit wanted to

Move there Problem is we're tied to this industry We can't live there It's past now Oh no, I tried to convince you to live in Austin Right, for like a couple months Yeah, we almost did it Seems like that's feasible

Now it's pretty dumb because we have a year-long lease We just locked this house Alright, second question He has some money he's looking to invest And he has it in Berkshire Class B shares You recently started Putting your money in the stock market Yes, so what have you learned in the last six months?

Well, I always like to Qualify everything I say with The fact that I'm pretty dumb But I did get advice To buy what I like So I just diversified That's a good tip That's a good tip that you'll find everywhere

Right, don't put all of your money Yeah, you don't buy All of the Tesla stock that you Can afford You just buy a little bit of all this I bought a little bit of a bunch of stocks that I like So what's An example of a stock that you

Purchased that you like? I bought Tesla Starbucks, Home Depot, Nike Stuff like that Stuff that I serve Places that I go to North Face, REI Things like that Products that I wear and use

And stores that I shop at And all of them made money I think that's another thing You kind of just want to have money in the market Because either they're all going up or all going down But it tends to If you leave it in there long enough, it tends to go up If you just splash it around

It's like playing roulette If you put money on all 36 numbers It's gonna hit You're gonna win some, you're gonna lose some But ideally you're spreading it around so thin The only money I lost Was in IAC The company you used to work for

Did you also invest in Alibaba Which is some Chinese Amazon? Oh yeah, I did invest in Alibaba I probably lost money there too actually Alright, here's two good tips And one bad one for me One, like you said, diversify Splash your money around

Two, there's something called robo-investing now Wealthfront, Betterment Yeah Charles Schwab as a robo-investor That's what we have our money in I trust computers more than humans So they're like, the computer programs Written by smart humans

Invest your money in a specific way You just give it all to that And then the computer does the rest There should be a podcast sponsor I feel like that would be a good podcast sponsor That's true And then here's one bad bit of advice Invest in stocks that are

That are at $100 right now Because it'll be very easy To quantify your gains and losses Oh, that is bad advice It's like, oh I remember All these stocks at $100 This one's at $85 You don't have to do the math in your head

The sites that you invest in Schwab tells me how much money I Made and lost and how much I bought it How about this one a house How about this one a truck How about this one a mall I bought this one a purse I bought this one a truck

I bought this one a car I feel bad for the girl that just got a purse Hey Drake I love my Hermes bag Let me just start off by saying that Did you Sorry, did you buy somebody a Westfield shopping center in Toronto

Yeah, that's where I got your purse You asshole I'll take the truck I mean fuck What was that You bought one person a Cadillac Escalade And the other person a Prius seat And then another girl

An 81 store shopping center Complete With hot dog on a stick And then somebody else got a polo bag For $88 I feel like he's playing favorites Drake is clearly playing favorites But he has lots of friends

And he's got a lot of enemies Got a lot of enemies Every time he sees them though There's something wrong with their memory Why is that? I don't know, they're just trying to take it away from a Drake We don't believe it Alright, let's take a break

And come back with some Less How would you say that type of question was? Practical. Yeah, less practical Question. Maybe people are interested in that type of thing That's true, we like to switch it up Just like our portfolio, you have to diversify Indeed

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If I were you Check them out, thanks Better Help Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode Of our show, wow For years and years and years We've been ranting and raving about Squarespace Because it's the best way For dummies like me

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Let's launch it Just use that offer code If I were you to save 10% off that first purchase Thank you, Squarespace I ate a dove Wow It must have been while you were in Iceland You ate a dove?

Yeah, six days ago What restaurant serves doves? No restaurant Where did you cook it? How did you capture the dove? I purchased it on Craigslist Was it a live dove? It was a live dove

And then how did you murder it when it got to the house? I strangled the dove And then I put it into a pot of boiling water You strangled it? I strangled the dove In front of the person you bought it from on Craigslist I owned this house You gave them $75 and they said

Alright, take good care of it I don't have to take care of it There's been money exchanged I owned the dove There's a bird in my hand And it's gonna be worth two Very quickly, I assure you I posted some Matt Damon stuff

On our Facebook page And people left Some pretty funny comments In addition to the ones I posted Oh really? Here's a few from our Facebook fan page Facebook.com If you're interested

When Matt Damon ever presses a button To cross the street Then looks at his phone for too long Misses his turn to walk for a couple seconds Then ends up having to half jog across the street Because he doesn't want to piss off traffic That one's from Kylar That's really good

I don't think he's ever done that though This one was one of my favorites When Matt Damon opens a newspaper Does he ever open it a little too far So that it folds towards you And nothing is ruined It's for the correct way When you're done with the paper

Oh I feel like Matt Damon has really tight folds Yeah He can cut very nice crease Folds that page in half Maybe does the crossword Effortlessly making it into a third He can hold it with one hand

Sip a coffee And then when it's time to turn the page He knows exactly how to get Story continued on D3 He doesn't have to put pieces of the paper Down on the ground Oh you think he could do a one handed flip I don't think he does a one hand

I think he puts the coffee down, unfolds Tucks back to the coffee And then he'll keep maybe Article that he likes in his back pocket Oh that's cool Sometimes He just has way too many articles That he likes in his back pocket

There's newspaper ink all over his pants He's wearing white khakis Has Matt Damon been right? Has Matt Damon ever been hanging A picture and then he thinks it's level But when he steps back and he looks at it It's crooked and he has to keep adjusting And stepping back to look at it

And he can't get it quite straight ever No Of course he has a level Yeah he nails it Do you think Matt Damon has ever done the Stair thing when he thinks there's another step But there isn't and then he stood at the foot of the stairs Feeling confused and disoriented

Says Callie And then he's sort of walking with someone He has to smile and say to them I thought there was another stair there And then he stutters Just like I just did I thought there was another stale there Yeah I mean there's a lot of funny ones

Do you think Matt Damon has ever Do you think Matt Damon has ever walked into a room Forgot he was looking for and then just had to leave the room Yeah He didn't even like he stands there for a second too long I don't think of it The one I thought of was Has he ever put his arm through the wrong sleeve of a jacket

And then like reached for the other arm But it's not there Oh yeah I don't think Damon's ever done that I don't think he's ever done that You think he's ever like met up with somebody He's wearing a jacket and they have to like Untuck the collar from From his neck

Like he put it on in a haste Yeah and sort of like the collar Is just like tucked under into his shoulder With his collar and his shirt One of the collar's button and the other one isn't So his wife has to like fix that for him We got a lot of tweets and posts about Him having a ponytail

Yeah that was a big deal We were hot on Damon before that Hot Damon news came out Of course he can pull off the ponytail Yeah he's kind of the one guy that can do it I like that he didn't try to do the Like if he was doing the man bun thing I think everybody would have no respect

Like at least if he's gonna do it Yeah he went for it He's not trying to catch onto a trend No no He's like this is a classic look And of course it's for a role You have to know it's for a role He's never had long hair like that though right

No I don't think so Like Tom Cruise I can imagine having longer hair Brad Pitt has had long hair But Damon with long hair I'll watch that movie You know there's a Matt Damon movie coming out Where he's like stuck on Mars That's not interstellar

He's interstellar about someone being stuck on Mars He's not on Mars But he's stuck on another planet Interstellar Oh my god Great Matt Damon cameo Well he's in interstellar Now you want to watch it don't you

I'm definitely gonna see that scene Anything we have to promote Our show in Montreal Which I think is sold out but I think you can get in With a pass Because then you can see every show Not just our show and there's a lot of Chappelle is gonna be there so it's worth getting a pass

Not David but yeah Roger Chappelle His unrelated twin brother So he is related Because he is And then we're also hosting two stand up shows So if you like stand up comedy we're gonna be hosting two shows Oh yeah so now that pass is looking mighty worth it

You come to like three of our shows Right it's called J F L O L And that's two on Thursday two on Friday And then we have that podcast on Saturday We're hosting two and two I don't know if I want to do that Last time I said that you were also taken aback Like you're not processing that information

Into your long term memory This is a memento I don't want to do that Yeah I think it's the 23rd 24th and 25th are the three days for big shows I'm sorry we have They're bringing us to Montreal To host comedy shows

I just kind of wanted to do one show And then rage for three days Apartment 200 And we're also coming to Toronto in October Yeah there's a just for laughs there now Is that one sold out? I think the show itself is sold out But again you can get in with a festival pass

So check us out I'm sorry check us out I am starting to feel like Because the dove is not sitting well Right you ate the beak I only ate the beak The dove didn't have to die It was such a peaceful bird

One last question This one's a classic relationship question Love it Got a name for this dude Dave You know what I'm realizing Sometimes we give people names But it never comes up

Yeah that's true It's like we don't have to But it's good when we're giving advice We don't Hey guys big fan My name is Dave Came up there No I forced it in

My girlfriend of two years and I Are both seniors in high school And will move to college in two months We both know better than to try long distance So we're living with our own mortality Although suddenly we've hit a road block I assumed we would date until the end of summer Then go our separate ways

But she said that would be too painful Instead she would rather break up today I really don't want to do this Because then my summer will be ruined I want to spend it with her Is there a compromise here Like what should we do I also suggested doing another month

But she said she can't handle knowing When our last time together will be This is one of the hardest things I've ever Gone through Being a white male grown up in the suburbs And it would be amazing to get your guys' advice Good luck on the TV show and such Thanks Dave

Appreciate it Dave I think your girlfriend doesn't want to be with you anymore That much is clear It'll be too hard for me to break up with you In the end of August It's gonna be the worst Come here and give me one last hug I don't want to know that I'm ever gonna give you a last hug

Let's just assume we remembered what the last hug was That way I don't have to give you a final hug It just sort of falls away from there And I loved you Yeah she's done If you're thinking so rationally about the breakup You can't schedule a breakup Like that's not how it works

Right If they were actually so into each other They would do the dumb thing of staying together Long distance They seem to I think it's logical and smart to not want to do that Experience college It's a once in a lifetime thing

You're not tethered to anybody Emotionally or physically And then there's like this weird Great gray period where it's like Should we break up now? Should we break up at the end of the summer? The relationship is over Yeah but like if you like each other You would just kind of keep on dating

Until you were leaving and then like That's when you break up It's so sad and funny that he's like How about a compromise? July 28th That'll give me some time with you It will be too painful She's being so polite

It'll be too painful to break up with you later My summer is going to be ruined I think she's thinking her summer is going to be ruined If you stay together Because according to her Her summer is going to be awesome I think you should embrace being single for the summer Yeah

You got to look at the positive of the situation I mean it is sucky to be broken up with I think she's Trying to do it in like a very polite way Which is like oh maybe we shouldn't I think It was her idea not to stay together through college And now it's like oh we might as well break up now

Which is kind of true If you are going to break up then break up There's no reason to be In a relationship that's going to be like Stunted and like you can't progress it that much And then there's just this weird thing looming Yeah It's like the Sunday of your relationship

That's seriously anyway Like hey baby let's see each other today I guess I'll do that but like Why does it matter because we're breaking up Like if you're married or something And you find out your wife Or husband is going to die Break up

No that's a little different Like just leave her You're a bad person Because in your scenario You're the one that's going to live right Of course I'm going to live forever I had the fucking dove

I'm immortal today That's why you ate the dove Absolutely I'm a peaceful immortal soul There's um What was I going to say about it too Um I can't remember Was it a song that it reminded you of?

I think it was more like about If you are in a relationship That's and I really I'll never know I'll never know And that's the sad beautiful truth Well this could sort of be Taken into any context where it's like

If I'm going to if I Decided to break up with someone There's no reason to do it later Even though it's come up before This is what I was going to say And it's related to that It's also like You guys theoretically had a good relationship

All through senior year And you don't want to deal with this painful Two month break up That's going to lead into college Because that's going to sort of color the relationship in a bad way You might as well be like We had a good run And then not deal with the pain

Of growing apart for two months Saying goodbye So you should look You should want to break up too I already I don't want people to think That I flip flopped on my position Of breaking up after that girl's exams

I know that was A very hotly debated issue I do sometimes think It is worth delaying a little bit In general Get it over with Make sure that it's happening Immediately

Once you've decided to break up with somebody Any last Notes for this guy before Let's say you die before Right, next episode Then I'd say stay strong You're the man To my family

I love you all very much Split up my estate evenly Amongst you all And then all your siblings get the same Equal We should end every episode with Our living will and testament just in case It's the last verbal recording of ourselves

I'd like to leave all of my money To one relative To be determined with a wheel What? I want a lawyer to spin a wheel Turning into a game of sorts You have to specify relative In your immediate family

Or is there a second or third cousin They should be on the wheel but in a very, very small Oh, that's lit So this is what I'll do I'll do roulette It's kind of like the NBA lottery This is what I'll do, I'll do the NBA lottery Ping-pong balls with a four digit combination

Some people have 25% of the permutation Some people have 10% 5% all the way down to 1.5 1.5 is a random fan that I'll choose At the end of this podcast And then they'll get in the room And the balls will spin off And then it'll come down to 9, 4, 6

And then you'll look Who has that code? Exactly Oh, my mom, oh, my daddy Oh, my brother, oh, my other brother Or on then I'll be like cousin Nice Nice

Sister-in-law, sister-in-law Down to friend Maybe you could be on there I just want I'll take the smallest sliver It'd be such a sad moment But everybody sort of wants to be chosen It's a fucking game

I want to turn it into a game I want that to happen at the funeral Cool So let that be known If you have your own questions Please email us too If I were you, show at gmail.com If you have your own theme song submission

We start and end every episode With a live, not a live With a recorded theme song made by one of our fans It was by Russ Wolff And this closing one is by a 14-year-old Named Vincent in Austria Cool I'm describing Beethoven

After he recorded this for Symphony We also want thumbnail submissions To send those to Facebook Art for us If I were you, show at gmail.com for everything Thanks to everybody who's listened to this We'll be back next week So take in a mirror

They're on a letter Lifeline Bros Then the guys crawl Take in a mirror Fluff cheese Tinder talk All that is covered On the podcast

So get an email Out to them If I were you, show at gmail.com Thank you for watching Don't forget to like and subscribe See you next time Bye