If I Were You - 163: Ugly Hot

Episode Date: July 20, 2015

In this episode we discuss inner beauty, outer beauty, and long distance relationships.This episode is brought to you by BespokePost.com, NatureBox.com, and MeUndies.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, I'd need advice to adhere, I know what to do. You talk to chicken amir, solving problems fast, putting you on blast. The coyotes do, it's helping lives improve. If they were you, here's what they'd do. If I were you, if I were you, show dot com. Yeah. Don't just look at me like that. I want to be able to think that your yeah was part of the song.

It was. It was. That was like a Hawaiian chill vibe sort of Calypso. Really Jack Johnson meets John Mayer meets John Lennon meets Lennon Parham meets. Thomas Lennon meets Thomas the Tank Engine meets Thomas Middle Ditch meets everything all rolled into one Calypso breeze. Meet the Deedles a movie that came out in 1997. That was written, not the movie, the song was written and performed by Tommy Doughty. Tommy Doughty.

And if you are doubting that he can sing, you'd be wrong. Nice. Thank you. He's from Canada, which explains a lot. Because he said sorry a bunch in his ear. He was apologetic a lot. So thanks Tommy for writing that theme song. Still getting a lot of theme songs.

This is episode 163. Wow. So we've probably had over 300 theme songs at this point. Pretty chill. Each one better than the last, which is pretty exciting. So that one is the best one we've received so far. Because it's the last one we heard. Exactly.

Can you remember a theme song? Like another theme song? Yeah. The Carly Rae Jepsen parody comes to mind. The Eminem parody comes to mind. Right. Any arrigs? My little sisters comes to mind.

A lot of things come to mind actually. More than anything, they've come to my mind. My original theme song. My first theme song. What was that one? If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, the show. Starts now. That was your contribution.

Which honestly wasn't needed. Nor was it deserved, nor should you have done it. All in all, you shouldn't have done that. You are unearned, undeserved, unwarranted, and unwanted. But if you have your own theme song, please keep sending them in. We actually get more than we can use. We have an embarrassment of riches. I'm embarrassed.

I'm ashamed of how many songs you have. And I'm proud of how rich I am. At least my daddy is. What? I don't have a lot of money, but my daddy does. So why are you happy? My father buys me everything I need, motherfucker. Why are you...

Stop standing so tall when you say that. I'm a little proud. You're a lot proud. You're a little too proud. I guess I'm a little too proud, but I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I'm happy that my father provides for me. I guess it's fine. Be grateful.

Don't be happy. Not much to be grateful about. Absolutely there is. No, that would only be if I didn't deserve the money. I was born to a rich man. Does that make me a bad person? I don't think so. So many things you say aren't true.

You can only be grateful for things you don't deserve. Yeah, like a sunny day. Oh, I'm so grateful it's sunny out. It could have gone either way. But my dad has money and I better get it. So I'm not really grateful. I'd be actually pretty pissed if he didn't give me money. Another wrong idea.

I'm actually a little mad thinking about it. I'm going to Venmo request him every once in a while. I call my mom. I say, how's it going? But I keep in touch with my dad through Venmo requests. So what happens? I'll request him $1,000 and it'll be... And you know, the little like four what?

Four you could write in a kale salad. Oh yeah, like Venmo. A cable bill or something. I just write in a little bag of money with the wings. You say, for me because I'd have... For money. For my love, you'll buy it. Oh, so whenever you say something bad,

you sit up really tall and stare at the ceiling. I guess. I know. I'm telling you. At least tilt the microphone up towards you. Yeah. It's not hitting your mouth correctly. I'm also sort of trying to make my mouth really small.

You're trying to become a little angel. My daddy's a little angel. So what is this? This is If I Were You. The only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. We will email us their questions.

They need our advice and we do our best to offer it. On this here program, sometimes it's just us two and today it is. Well, Kobe's here as always. Kobe. Mr. Bryant. Have a seat. At least sit down. Doof.

Doof. That was him bouncing a basketball. Just dribbling in the corner. All right, man. Cool. Good on you. All right. Let's start answering questions.

I got a pretty interesting one. From a teenage boy. Okay. Who I also think is from Canada. A Canadian teenage boy. A Canadian. Shall we call him someone who's famous in Canada? Mike Myers.

writes, Hey guys, I'm a teenage boy who just found out their dad has been reading all the messages I've been sending my girlfriend as well as all the ones she sent to me. She lives a couple hours away, so our main mode of communication is by text. Normally I text her on a crappy Samsung phone, so there's no real issue. But since we've been out of the country for a couple weeks, I've had to use iMessage on my iPod. Apparently my dad hooked up his iPad to my iPod over the iCloud. And he's been seeing and reading them all as I found to my horror when I was unplugging

to plug mine into the charger. He doesn't know that I know yet. How should I confront him about it? I mean, I'm still pretty young, so we've never even talked about relationships, although my girlfriend has visited before. Since what I've been sending is our private property, I think what he's doing is wrong. What should I do? Thanks.

Mike Myers. What should I do? I followed up with this guy. Really? I asked him how old he was. Okay. I think there's a difference if you're a young teenager or an old teenager if your dad is reading your text messages.

I would say if he's 14, it's fine. If he's 16, it's not. What about 15? 15's the cutoff. 15's borderline. He's 16. Not okay. Really?

I don't think it's okay. There's another way to think about it that if you're not an adult yet, 18 years old, you're your parent's property. You're still entitled to privacy. True, but I guess what he's doing is not illegal, but would you say it's amoral? It's bad parenting. You think so? I would say it's bad parenting to violate your kid's trust like that.

Reading your kid's text message. At age 14, you can do it. I don't know. I guess I imagine I would probably do it too. I would do it in a much more wholesome, like if they left it out, I'd scroll a little bit. If you couldn't help it. I wouldn't go to the lengths to spy on my child. But maybe he's not going through lengths of just popping up on his iPad.

Well, there's a world where that just happens because of iMessage. Yeah, yeah. I think that is. With these iMessage, I don't know where the hell my messages are going anymore. Right. Like they pop up on iPads. They pop up on computers. They pop up on my phone.

Right. There's a chance that your dad didn't do this just to spy on you and that it's just like linked to the iPad. Right. He's just reading it. He's like linking all the accounts. But maybe he's not even reading it. Maybe they're just coming in.

I don't think a dad has that much willpower that he's like, ooh, these iMessages are coming in with me and my son and his girlfriend and I'm not going to read them. Let's say he is spying on them. Would you say you can confront your father at age 16? I don't know. It would be really hard. I feel like I would probably just disconnect them from the iPad or something. Right.

And just like, you know, you don't really ever mention what happened. Right. But dad would probably feel like he got caught. The damage was done. You don't confront it anymore. Right. I think what you shouldn't do is like freak out because when you're 16, your parents don't respect your opinions yet.

You're just a teenager to them. So I think you have to like, if you want to bring it up, you have to like try to be as mature as possible and like sit down with your father and be like, hey dad, listen man, I know you've been reading my iMessages. It's not cool. And then it's like this dad for the first time, like feels like he's so weird for getting confronted by a teenager instead of just like, what the fuck are you doing, dad? Then it's like he can dismiss this from like how this kid acts all the time.

If you like it really bothers him, you should just act the opposite of what it usually does. Like if he's usually cool and mature and calm, then he should freak out because his dad will be like, wow, I've never seen my kid freak out like that. Or if he freaks out all the time, then he should have a nice, sober conversation. I'm disappointed in you, daddy. But I don't know. I think there's a huge chance that the dad is just like, yeah, I bought your iPod. I bought the iPad.

You're mine. So I can really pretty much do what I want with you. You're an eye son to me. But there's also a world where he's like, yeah, I don't care about the dumb messages you're sending. You're you're like 15 year old long distance girlfriend. I think they're like dumb and funny to get. I think they're dumb and funny.

That's the saddest thing you could say to someone who's haven't gone through his first serious relationship. Right. But I mean, like, there isn't there a possibility that the dad, none of this means as much to the dad as it does to the kid. Yeah. Not the possibility that is what it is. Right. That's what's happening. Right. So like your dad is probably just. He's got this like sort of curiosity about it.

But it's not like he's like, oh, my God, I really want to know like how intense this relationship is. Right. He's not like snooping. The fact of the matter is, though, that he did violate your privacy. True. You just say, hey, I don't like that this happened. That seems like a hard level in parents. I'm doing that. How do you decide when to stop snooping on your child?

Because there's a level that you just always want to continue doing it, right? You said at age 14, do it and at age 15, stop it. No, I don't think I guess I think it's always relatively, you know, give them some semblance of privacy and space. But I think it's like if this kid was like old enough to be like actually sexting with his girlfriend, then I think it's like actually fucked up. Right. Because then the dad's like, this would be a good question for your mom. Like, when did she stop snooping on you?

Right. I mean, I'm sure she must have snooped. I do. Like there was never a time when like she would find things in my drawer or anything. But every once in a while, there would be something like, oh, the cleaning lady said she found this and I'd be like, oh, no, Anna, our cleaning lady is like catching me out on all this. Like she found a condom and now I think about it. I'm like, oh, actually, maybe that was just my mom. Yeah. How'd you think of it?

We didn't have a cleaning lady. Yeah. That was the first clue. Yeah. So what would you do? You would just disconnect it and not mention it. I think so. Yeah. That's what I would do. I guess I'll say the same. Just just take it away and see if he says anything.

And he can't say anything because then he's going to admit to reading them. It's the thing. Right. You took away the thing that he's snooping. He can't be like, I was snooping. How did you how do you do that? Yeah. Do you know how to disconnect that stuff? Like your messages come to your phone or to your computer still.

Do they? Yeah. But I turn them on to do that. I think you would like to just go into the preferences and I message. So Apple system preferences. I think you launched the general preferences. I messages, preferences, ad account. Bonjour is inactive. I message and then click on enable this account.

Oh, and you're getting his text now. Oh, that was as possible. All right, cool. Some real technical advice. Um, do you want to read another question? Sure. If I were you, if I were you. Oh, yeah, that was one of them.

I'd tell you what I would do if only I were you show.com. Oh, this one's fun. It's from a lady. Let's let's give her another. Oh, this is a lady from England. Oh, what's a famous British lady? A famous British lady like a dame, Judy, or a dame Edna. Very nice. Yeah.

Or a dame, a Helen Mirren, Helen Mirren, Helen Mirren writes. Hey, guys. So I found myself in somewhat of a pickle, a conundrum, if you will. I'm 19 and in my first relationship until now, I pretty much refused anything more than a casual one night stand with anyone because I'm shit scared of commitment and I'm definitely punching above my weight with this gorgeous man specimen. The only problem is he's really good friends with this girl.

I cannot stand. He's made comments about her body saying things like she has this ideal body type and saying that I could exercise a bit more to look like her. On top of this, both my friends and his come up to me and ask me how I'm OK with him being that close to her, especially since she makes it pretty obvious that she's super into him. All my boyfriend and I do together is sleep and fuck, which was great until this girl came along.

And now I'm starting to wonder if he's not as happy with me as he is with her. So should I just back down and get out of the way of what would probably be a great relationship between them? Because what I really want to do is tell this bitch to back the F off. But I don't want to look like a paranoid, jealous girlfriend that I really am inside. Lots of love from England, Helen Maren. Hmm. I guess I would break up with him because he told you to exercise.

That's it. An exercise, an exercise comment. And you're like, this is over. I think he is being gross and manipulative. So yeah, I would probably just dump him. All right. What if you were dating someone who was super hot? A super attractive lady. And the trade off was about right so far. The trade off was that she was very mean to you always.

So all she was during the day, mean to you. But then you would basically sleep with her and then sleep. I guess sleep with her both in the metaphorical way and then a regular way. I wouldn't date that person. Would you try to sleep with them as much as possible before you broke up? No, I just have to sleep with them once and then I will be good. You've defeated that level. I just like to see what it's like.

What if the sex is so great? Is can sex be so great that it outweighs her being mean to you? Why do I have to make her my girlfriend? I couldn't just have sex with her sometimes. Because she's like, I'll only I'll only sleep with somebody that I'm in a relationship with. Right. I guess like the sex couldn't be so good that it would be better than sex I would have with other people who might like me. So I would probably still not.

So it's never worth it. No, but like, I mean, I have sex with people I dislike all the time. So I'm not like above that, but I just wouldn't like really commit to a relationship with somebody I didn't like or I didn't like me. Oh, that's yeah. You can commit to a relationship with someone you don't like. Just as I do that all the time. Yeah, just the problem is when when they don't like you.

Yeah. Yeah. That's when you can't have that anymore, especially because they don't like you anymore. Right. Well, they're mean to you. Yeah. So why don't they? Lady, why don't you get out now? Although she's she's is that just letting this other girl win? Well, this it's not like the only thing standing in the way of this relationship. We don't know how that other girl feels about the dude.

Right. But it seems like she's she said that it seems like she's super into him. I think make your own decision. Like you don't have to think about their relationship. Make your own decision based on how you feel about this guy, not how he might feel about this girl and how she might feel about him. If you are unhappy with this dude, then you can break up with him. If you're unhappy only because you are secretly jealous of this girl,

then maybe you could just mention that to him, say, hey, that girl makes me feel jealous. But, you know, do it in a tactful, nice way. If it doesn't make you sound like you're paranoid. Does she have a gripe with the girl? I guess I don't think she'd be mad at the girl. Can you be mad at a guy that's going after your lady? It's all kind of irrational, isn't it? That girl didn't necessarily do anything, but jealousy doesn't matter.

Like jealousy just makes you hate that person. Right. You should probably recognize that those feelings that you have aren't genuine hatred, they're more like inside you. And if anything, your boyfriend is being this shitbag because he's the one that's like feeding into the jealousy by saying, like, you could look like her if you exercise. He probably knows that he's making you a little jealous. Right. So I don't know.

It sounds like a pretty fucked up situation. Your boyfriend kind of sucks. But God damn it, he's a gorgeous specimen. Would you say attractive dudes are worse people than unattractive dudes? No, there's plenty of awful ugly guys, too. So you can be ugly and also mean. Right. I think that's the worst you could be. Yeah, ugly and mean.

Ugly inside and out is pretty bad. Yeah. That's as bad as it gets. But like also being hot on the outside and really ugly on the inside is pretty bad, too, because you can use your powers for more evil things, I think. Right. If you're ugly and mean, you're just sort of sad of you. Yeah. But if you're hot and mean, you can like infiltrate and really take this down from the inside. You'll be a virus.

You attach yourselves to people and drag them down with you. Ugly, ugly is like a cold. Yeah. Hot, ugly is a cancer. Oh, I see. And so ugly, ugly is almost good because it's like two negatives. Yeah, it's like you bump up to an ugly, ugly and you're like, get the fuck away from me. And, you know, it's like they don't really affect you too much.

But hot, ugly is like, hey, come here. And then like, oh, no, you're hurting me from the inside. Oh, that's no good. Well, what about ugly, hot? Ugly. Oh, ugly on the outside, hot on the inside. Well, that's not anything. That's nice. That's just like it's a little tough for the ugly, hot person. I think that's what a lot of people are as ugly,

ugly on the outside, hot on the inside. That's I think that's the ideal. No, the ideal is hot, hot, of course. But I think second best guess which one I am, mother fucker. Hot, ugly, the one that you said was the worst. No. Douchebag, I'm actually a good person. Yes. Oh, so you're off with that. Sounds like you're mean to me.

So in this, this Punnett Square we've created, don't be don't be hot, ugly and don't be ugly, ugly. So let's rank them best, hot, hot, second best. Of course, it's the best. Obviously, that means you're hot and you're good. Second best, ugly, hot, you're ugly. Hey, but at least on the inside, you got you got a hot heart. You're heating what you can control.

If you're ugly, that's I'm sorry. You're you're you're four foot two and balding. Like that's the lot you were dealt. You can't change that. You can always. Well, you could always exercise, though. Yeah, you could be. So you can feel like four or two bald, but like pretty static. Yeah, like cut. You can be cut in that.

You can always be cut worse than that. Would you say is what's? Oh, it's worse. Oh, no, worse than that is ugly, ugly. Yep. Ugly on the outside, ugly on the inside. You're a you're a bad looking objectively, bad looking human. And then also in addition to that, you are mean person. You're a meanie. You've let it affect you. Suddenly meanie, uh-huh.

And then the worst of all, hot, ugly, which is the dichotomy. The species, the outer truth with the inner lie. The the candy that that is poison on the inside. So people with the razor blade. Nobody's going to eat a cactus because it looks dangerous. You know, that's fine. But guess what? Now, but you will eat a poison strawberry. Well, that's right. You look, yeah.

But oh, or now I've got ringworm. Yeah. Uncooked chicken. Yep. Well, that doesn't look good on the outside. OK, so cooked on the outside, raw on the inside. And suddenly you have you have Giardia. I see. Yep. Three to four weeks. You are a Giardia, man. This girl dates a Giardia, man.

Pumpkin, you're dating a dillweed. Well, what are you playing with there? OK, it's a little game. It's actually kind of fun. There's how many times in a row can I hit this top bar with it? OK, one, two, three. I could probably do it forever. There's a clip on the mic stand and you just flick it up.

Look at the flick of the wrist. Yeah, you guys, you always got to come over and see this game. It's actually I missed. Shit. All right, let's take a quick break now. Oh, wait, what should she do? Leave go away from the hot ugly hot ugly. He's the worst one.

So scram, scram, buddy. Let's take a break. Thank a few more sponsors. Then we'll be back with more if I was I shit. We should change the name of the show. You're right. If I was I, if I was I, if I was I. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp.

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Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one,

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Today we're releasing this. I shouldn't say today. You can listen to it at your own pace. We're releasing this on Monday, July 20th. We're coming to Montreal this week. Montreal. Montreal. Oui.

Et j'aime mes pèles Amir. Les meaux pèles Amir. Les promas. Oui. Les promas. Oui, bonjour. J'aime mon sens pour March, s'il vous plaît. And people are discarding their tickets.

They're all on stub home. Oh, my God. We're going to be hosting comedy shows on Thursday and Friday and then also doing a live podcast on Saturday. Let's get I'll put all that information up on if I were you show dot com because it's a lot to take in. But the best thing you can do is just get a badge for the just for last comedy festival, see a whole ton of shows.

And as long as you get there early enough, you can get into ours as well. I think individual tickets to our show is sold out, but you can get in with that that hall pass, get on that pass, dog, which is the same for our October show in Toronto, Toronto. You can still get in with our festival pass. Do we have any other shows that none that we can announce yet? Yeah. But we're hoping to come.

We're hoping to come back to New York City to the East Coast. Yeah, the Beast Coast. Exactly. The home of our very first live podcast, which is where? Oh, back when it was just me, you six people in the crowd. Everyone's confused. Janitor locking up. First time I ever got drunk on stage.

And now I do it a lot now. It's a problem. Now it's an issue. Shout out to let's just say our subreddit. Great, great community of fans over there. If you haven't checked it out, reddit dot com slash r slash Jake and Amir r slash Jake and Amir. Jake also has a really, I think, thought provoking Instagram account.

No, I really do think it provokes thought. Let me. Can I do? Would it be a disservice for me to load it right now and just say the thoughts that we have a show to host me? You asked me to do this. Instagram dot com. There it is.

Don't come on, dude. All right. So don't do not right off the bat. There's a picture of your buddy, Mike, in a field of flowers. That is. To say that it provokes thought is so interesting. Like, I guess I it's I'm thinking. For what is art?

What is art? It's it's relative asymmetrical. Like, I wouldn't have chosen this filter or the framing, but like, I would have divided it exactly in half. It looks a little just it is not. It looks exactly in half. It is exactly because it's like not even two thirds. It's sort of.

Oh, you mean the lower it's lower. Yeah, that was a choice. I know. And I'm I do not that it was a choice, but I think it was an incorrect choice. It was not an incorrect choice. You want to do second picture you want to do all fields. Second you don't want to get to get to get to get to get to get a sense of the wide open sky.

Yeah, you want to do half and a wide open sky. Earth. I don't think so. Yeah, you do just a bed of flowers and a wide open sky. Infinite possibilities. Fuck off. You're wrong. What else you got?

Second picture. Mike, again, I wouldn't go back to back with the same subject. Oh, yeah. You got to have a little you're not a true artist. If you don't have a muse, baby, this picture is way too dark. All right. If we're doing this. I'm going to upload your Instagram.

He's going to check out your Instagram real quick. He's wearing a hat so you can't really see. There's this top light. It's too shady. I don't even know what he's holding in his mouth. The here one of his arms is lit. The other is not. Mike is an RT.

I thought he's an artist. He's an auteur. He's a cinematographer. He would never allow this. I can see for a fact he would not put a picture like this up. It's completely uneven. It's completely unintentional. It's unnecessary.

All right. Your last picture is a screenshot of a seamless web order. OK. All right. Yeah. And before you have two pictures of your own face in your last six. Oh, three pictures in your last seven or your last eight. Sorry.

This is it's disgusting. It's plurible. It's a shout out to yourself. It's a TBT. Oh, wow. Here's one. Here's one picture of you with two pictures of your own face in it. Where?

Well, that's before and after. It was me at age 18. Me at age 31. It shows the transition of time. I think it's kind of interesting to look at one subject. Really, really interesting. There's a picture of you. Here's a picture of you with a tattoo.

Here's a picture of you kissing a lady. Here's a picture of your feet. Me kissing a lady. Yeah. Where? At that wedding. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

That was my chick, man. Your main squeeze that night. You're shit, man. You're shit, mate. Absolutely. You're shit. Your Instagram's gone downhill, Blumenfeld. You over post.

They're all pictures of your own face. You over post and you under deliver. I'm sorry to my, hold on. This is so petty. Like, why am I even bringing this up? I do apologize to my 43,000 followers and to. And I'm sure they appreciate that. They appreciate that.

And I also want to give a shout out to your 34,000 followers and to the 9,000 of you that follow me and not Jake. Todah, namaste to you. I like you all if you're listening to follow me on Instagram and show them here. Who's got the more thoughtful Instagram? Who spends a little more time with their filters

and who doesn't just willy-nilly post screenshots of their seamless web? That was a joke that I told the story. Your entire account is a joke. Jesus, man. At Jake Hurwitz on Instagram and Atomir, if y'all ain't part of the game, please join us. You know what I did recently?

I made my account private. Why? I don't know. I wanted to see what it would do. So now you have to ask request to follow me. Really? Yeah. I don't know how long it'll last,

but it's kind of interesting personally vetting every single person that tries to follow me. It also keeps people who are lurking who never followed me and sort of forced them into requesting. Oh, that's interesting. I opened up a public museum and then I started charging for it. So you're trying to stop people who just sort of like search? Yeah, casually.

They're like, oh, I'm trying to see this. Yeah, now it's like, oh, who are you? It's a real game. Yeah, it's a real everything's a game to you. My art's for free. I don't do it for the followers. I agree. It is worth nothing.

It is worthless. It is free. Sunsets are free too. But you know it's not free? A fucking rad ass Ferrari. And for me to have that and for you to drive us. You drive a Mazda 6. How dare you?

No one can know that. That was for you. All right, let's let's get to one last question after that emotional catharsis. Oh, there's another lady that I followed up with. This lady is from Texas. How about a famous Texan? Dolly Parton.

Yee-haw. Let's see where Dolly Parton is from. Oklahoma. Is it Oklahoma? Tennessee. Shit. Born in Tennessee. Let's see if I can guess someone who was born in Texas.

Annie Oakley? Annie or Yokely? Ohio. Whoa, I was way off. This is just where they were born. OK, I got one. Yeah? Barbara Bush.

Whoa, Barbara Bush was born in New York City. Fuck me. That was a good guess. Thank you. Laura Bush. Oh, fuck, of course. Midland, Texas. Fuck you, dude.

Fuck you for the alley-oop. I was going to say Laura Bush. Is LeBron James slam one down and then look to his teammate who passed it and say, fuck you? Emotionally, yeah, kind of. All right, Laura Bush writes, hello, Jake Demir. First off, would like to say how much I like your show. Thank you.

With that being said, I need some help. I recently took a trip out to LA with my cousin and his family. As luck would have it, I met a pretty nice guy on my last day there. My last day. Anyway, we met up for a couple of drinks and talked for a few hours and ended up having a pretty good make-out session.

OK, a very good make-out session. But eventually, I had to go. Needing to finish up packing and getting ready for my trip back home. When we left, we kept discussing things and kept in touch. And we've recently texted a few times back and forth since then. But the question is, is it completely delusional

to think that this could go anywhere? We only spent a few hours together and now there are three states between us. It seems like this type of situation doesn't tend to end well. I know you guys have discussed long-distance relationships before, but any help you could provide would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you. Then I emailed her back and I asked some follow-up questions. How old are you? How old is she? How old is he? What state do you live in? How did you meet him? Because I want to know, like, how do you meet someone?

Is this something you're starting to do? I'm mailing people back. I guess so. It happened twice in this episode because I had some questions. How do you meet someone when you're in LA as you're leaving? And she says, I'm 27 and I live in Texas. He's 30.

Unfortunately, the way we met is pretty boring. I was standing outside of a restaurant waiting for my family. And he asked if I knew the time because his phone had died. I let him know and he thanked me and asked where I was from, saying that he was blown away by how nice I was being. And that I seemed very genuine so that I couldn't be from LA. It seemed like a stretch since he only asked me for the time,

but he was cute, so I agreed to have a drink with him. Thanks for responding. That's pretty cool. He got a date. He's a real smooth operator. After asking someone for the time. Oh, he's a real smooth criminal. Oh, nice.

Same thing. So what do you think? Should she entertain this or just cut it off? Of course, it's not like nothing's really going to happen, but maybe she'll have sex with him one day. Maybe one day if you're lucky, you'll fuck. Like maybe she'll be back here. Maybe he'll be there.

Like something will happen if you guys stay in touch and if you stay liking each other, but it doesn't seem like you always idealize people in this situation. This is the best he'll ever be. You had one awesome three hour session with him. Yeah. Part of me thinks that guys that are that good at talking to people and getting a date,

that's pretty much what he's good for. I don't think he would be a good, maybe I'm definitely speculating too much. You're saying he's hot ugly. I think he might be hot ugly. Which is fine. It's cool to make out with him. You could even have sex with him if you want,

but I feel like if you're that smooth, if you're like that you go up to somebody because your phone's dead and then end up making out with them, that must mean he probably is a little bit of an asshole. He's gotta be at least a little slimy. Do you see some of yourself in him? Is that why you're so sure?

No, I never do anything like that. But you're like, this guy's so charming. He must be bad on the inside. I think, no, no, I don't see any myself in a guy like this. I'm a different kind of bad. He's sort of a, he's a charming kind of scary guy to get involved. He's a snake oil sales.

He's a con artist. A matchstick. I think that's what it is. But I also don't want to judge too much. I think she's asking just if we think she's delusional for seeing a future with him and yes, that's it. But there is no real good future with this guy. Would you say that for anybody that met after one date?

That there's no future? Like why is there no future with this guy? Because they live in Texas. This guy probably just hangs out outside that restaurant with a dead phone all the time. Oh, dead phone Sammy? Yeah, let me guess. He asked you for the time.

Tell you what, just actually, just press the little circle button. Yeah, see, there you go. It was, it was off. It's never dead. You notice he's also wearing a watch. That's actually a good game right there. Do you know what time it is?

Great, awesome icebreaker. Right. But what about the few times that this does end up in a loving relationship? It's funny, you're supposed to be the romantic and I'm supposed to be the pragmatic one. But you're saying don't go for it. You guys don't live in the same city

and I'm like, oh, maybe it's worth the risk. Even if it's one in a thousand, isn't it worth? Because the actual potential reward is a lifetime of having this guy in your life who might be your soulmate. Yeah, but if you're being practical, then you're telling her to write off every single guy that she lives closer to and could have like an actual connection with.

So why don't you pursue this guy while still pursuing other guys? Go for this guy, but don't shut yourself off. You don't have to be exclusive with this guy. You just have to pretend like it's an open relationship. See him if you can, if you don't, you have other guys in Texas. Don't close off yourself from other opportunities.

But this kind of thing is always, you're looking at it through rose-colored glasses. Actually, I got rose-colored glasses, you see? Yeah, they do not look good. You look like a weird flower child. Circular pink roses lenses. Why? Because you're saying if you are investing any time

and energy in this, then you're not fully committed to. I don't even think it's about fully committed. Like it's just so, it's just like kind of pointless. Like what are you gonna, you're gonna like, yeah, you're shutting yourself out from other things because you're thinking about somebody that lives in California that you met once. Right.

I understand, because I've been there, but not to any avail. I'll tell you that right now. It's almost like if you buy a lottery ticket in California, don't quit your job in Texas. Right, like it's cool to think about it. Enjoy this romanticized vision that you have. Like think about it, fantasize about it.

Cool, totally. But what about texting him? That's fine too. I just don't think it's ever going to really materialize into anything except for maybe like a little trist or a fling. Well, that could be fun too. Totally. But then why subject yourself to a flight back to LA

or an LA flight back for him to Texas? Won't that just get you deeper and deeper into this relationship? Or it will be like cathartic to like finally fuck. Since you've been thinking about it so much and the sex won't be as good as you built it up in your head and you'll go home and you'll say, you know what, that guy was not all I cracked him up to be,

but I'm glad that I saw him again. Yeah. Is that just a guy thing that's like, oh, once we had sex, my interest level is much less or do girls also go through that experience? I think it depends on the sex. It depends on the gender. Or it depends on the sex that you have.

So the sex is great, both parties will want more. Yeah, I should have, like it'd be nice to actually talk to somebody who studies this kind of thing and like in the different genders, but it kind of seems like if the sex is good, like even if the sex is good, the guy can still disconnect, but then it's harder for the girl too. Yeah, like all these stereotypes.

I wonder if any of them are true or is it just offensive to think any of them are real? But what if some of them are real? I thought it was like a biological fact that like women, when they have an orgasm, they release some sort of like chemical that makes them feel bonded to someone and guys don't. But I don't know if like that was just some

dumb GQ article that I read or if it's a fact. Cause so that's why I'm saying that like if the sex is really good and like both people have an orgasm, then it's like harder for the woman to disconnect. So if I were you, what would you do? Text, try to see this lady or a guy one more time? Oh yeah, I'd probably like go hard at trying

to fuck them once and then kind of be done with it. I would also see it through. It might be fun to have one or two more activities with this dude, but don't actually close yourself off from anything that's happening in Tejas. Yeah, I'm with that. Or you could just move to LA for him. Like next time you see him, you have a bag.

You have a packed bag. Right, yeah, don't do that. Also it's interesting that she said to, she went to LA with her cousin and his family. Isn't that your family? I went to, with my cousin and his mom. With my cousin and his aunt, which is my mom. I went to LA with my cousin and his aunt.

All right, thanks for writing in Laura Bush. And thanks for writing in everybody else. That email address, if you have your own questions, is if I were you, show at gmail.com. That's also the email address if you have theme song submissions. We're also still needing Facebook image thumbnails for all you visual artists out there.

Ideally in a 600 by 315 resolution, but we will take what we can get. Thank you for listening to this show. Thank you for enjoying this program. Thank you for occasionally telling your friends about it. And we'll be back next Monday, every week, forever. Todah, bye. Oh, wait, wait, wait, shit.

The closing theme song. The opening one was written by Tommy Doughty and this closer was written by Carl. So thank you, Carl. Goodnight. If I were you, it's a podcast. Show me, but you could do this. Yeah, it's if I were you.