If I Were You - 164: Stinky Pets

Episode Date: July 27, 2015

In this episode we discuss turtles, threesomes, and The Bachelor.This episode is brought to you by BetaBrand.com and CreditKarma!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

if i were you is a show that helps you know what to do maybe if you like it you stick around for a while settle in and grab a snack make yourself feel vulnerable take your enemy you're gonna learn you something make you smile if i were you the podcast show do you know what that instrument is yes what is it i do know what it is really yeah the spring flute that's close he wrote it in the email he says i wrote you a theme song matt gilroy by the way thank you matt matt wrote i wrote you a theme song 33 because i wanted to use the jaw harp in something jaw harp i now that you say it yeah it does make a lot of sense that it would be called that at first i read it at first i read it as jew harp that is just any

harp that you play yeah which is all of them look at this instrument i did a google image search for jaw harp it looks like a metal vagina that's cool with like a little metal floss coming out of it that i bet does the boing boing boing boing boing boing yeah i take that you know i've invented a good amount of instruments in my day as well nice man i've invented i'm not asking what you invented i'm not even gonna go down that road because i know for a fact you didn't the face guitar and what's that it's when you tape floss from your forehead to your chin and the area in between is sort of acts as the whole of the guitar okay and you flick you flick the whole of the guitar how does the whole of the guitar do it's i just like if you're a good at inventing instrument it adds

resonance dick all right so that's one instrument yeah you said you invented many instruments yeah the toe drum so these are just different parts of your body that you what do you what's the toe drum the toe drum is when uh you you you wrap your no i'm not you saran wrap your feet and what results is this percussive but it's like a sort of a dense thud so like it'll sound like this that's not a dense thud you're clapping it does sound a lot like a clap to the untrained ear i also invented an ear drum not what it sounds like we're born with those all right thanks thank you matt gilroy uh much appreciated um this is if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir i'm jake people will email us if i were you

show at gmail.com they're in difficult places sticky situations in their lives and we do our best we do our darndest to try to advise these people out of their terrible places we're we always do a good job and that's why people listen we always nail it we actually have done 163 episodes yeah this is 164 and it's a perfect game every single end of the episode we high five and say the perfect game streak continues yeah we were uh 386 and 0 in terms of questions nailed amazing uh if this is your first episode sit back relax and enjoy the show uh we will uh nail it and i think you'll find that we did it and then at the end you'll be like that was pretty nailed that was pretty darn near perfect oh wait a second recapping in my brain it was perfect not one flaw we didn't mess up we

didn't misspoke or speak one stutter not one stutter one pregnant pause or even a not one stutter not one pregnant pause or even a start over yeah among the among any of it exactly so we will talk in a way that it's always direct we do not waste or we don't we don't waste a breath we don't waste a breath we don't waste a word we finish our thoughts and we don't we figure it all out while not like it's not it's like improv in terms of like it's on the fly it's unscripted but unwarranted or not any criticism unnatural no yeah it's no it's not unnatural it's not a natural it's sorry it's natural and it's good and it's fast and it's terse and we know what the fuck we're doing and we don't waste a time we don't waste one time we don't waste it at all that's the best part about

it so we'll be like these are the questions these are the answers and that's like boom boom boom boom boom bing ba ba bong bong bong bong bong bong bong bong yeah and like now watch me whip i am watching you well now watch me nae nae don't tell me what to do just let me enjoy the song i was watching i saw you whip and i i blinked for a split fucking second and i missed you nae nae it was that fast i thought i thought i'd be able to catch you whip and nae nae he must have nae nae so quickly it was the quickest nae nae i did i did watch you whip yeah no i saw the whip yeah i feel like you only naed once you i watched you nae yeah and then he's like now watch me nae nae and then and then he mentions to watch me watch me yeah watch me watch but watch you what at

that point and then he isn't that the same sound that goes now watch me duff duff duff duff duff duff what is duff i wish you watched the music video it'll explain all of it every year or two somebody realizes that the most popular songs are just a dance created of course by the hokey pokey or macarena of the mid 80s or the mambo number five yes i remember back oh wait that wasn't a dance that was more of a everyone did the mambo number five yeah um um um and in terms of other dance songs the electric slide of course you have the electric slide you have teach me how to doggie uh-huh and yeah that one was more like asking advice on to how to doggie rather than explaining how to doggie teach me how to doggie the soldier boy soldier

superman that ho would be an example of a move that was explained during the song itself and then lastly of course the the big one which i think we're all thinking of right now yeah will you let us in to i mean i'd hate to even say it because it's so obvious the cha cha slide exactly the cha cha slide do the hustle that's another one oh i can mash potatoes maybe that was the first one the twist when i dip you dip we dip oh yeah that's another one um so like we said we don't waste any time on this show right right into it uh all right we need the name of a lady these are real emails from real people we're giving them fake names to preserve their anonymity let's give this lady a fake name do you have one off the top of your home not a problem yeah i do uh-huh and it

goes a little something like this one two three four five everybody in the hell up there come on and slide to the liquor store around the corner the boy said i want some jitter just but i really don't wanna i did oh how about the girls from that song a little bit of sandra in the sun so let's do sandra uh my friends are trying to convince me to try out for the next season of the bachelor i actually think it could be pretty fun but here are some things i'm worried about one i just got out of a year-long relationship a week ago which is actually the reason i started listening to your show i needed something to laugh at and it seems like it could be too soon especially considering on the off chance that if you win you're supposed to get engaged at the end

of the season two everyone expects you to have sex in the fantasy suite which i'm totally not down for and i'm definitely not down for dating someone who goes to sleep with two other girls in the fantasy suite maybe i'm getting too far ahead of myself also please make sure to change my name on the show love sandra love sandra do you think she's getting too ahead of herself uh yeah because she went from considering trying out to the bachelorette or the bachelor to uh winning yeah and wondering what what her life would be like when she does win yeah i wonder if she realizes that the chances of her getting on the show are one in probably a million right and then the chance of winning from there is so infinitesimal right of course and then she's wondering if if if you're

this hung up on the premise of the show where you don't you're not down to date someone who's gonna sleep with two other girls in the fantasy suite right don't say that on your interview yeah that means you won't get on the show at all that's a deal breaker then you you failed to understand the very conceit of the show yeah it's like i'm down to date somebody who's gonna date 50 women at one time but you don't want to date someone who's down to sleep with two other girls in the fantasy suite it's like i want to this is the equivalent of like i want to buy a lottery ticket but i'm afraid what am i going to do with all the cash that i win yeah only it's not a it's not like winning the lottery it's a long shot without any of the reward right because the

entire i mean i guess this is sort of me editorializing it but uh it seems like the entire process sucks a lot like you don't want to be somebody on that show people watch that show as a guilty pleasure to like talk about how dumb everybody on the show is right like is that what the show is about i don't know i've not seen the show but i can only imagine i've seen too many episodes but i was watching like the bachelorette where it's a bunch of dudes vying for one girl right but i mean it's like it's the worst people in the world has anyone come out of that show a winner yeah there i think there's one or two couples maybe it's just one that are still together and like i i don't i don't even mean together and kid i mean like the society deemed them a winner

like when they walk around are they well respected well regarded i think the people that stayed together are have they actually a lot of the women who are the like the actual bachelorettes like they i think they're liked there yeah they are well liked but like i don't think any of the men are ever are maybe they are i don't fucking know it's completely insane it's so awful am i getting ahead of myself she asks uh yes because you are she did say like i don't know on the off chance that you win you have to engage be engaged to the person also i'm totally not down to date this guy on the uh saying it is an off chance it's such like a like she thinks it's like a one in a hundred shot this girl's also like sort of way like i don't know if i want to do it

should i go on the show like she was offered yeah she's acting like it was there's so many people who are like clamoring and like trying so hard yeah to get on this show right to get married to the bachelor that they're willing to fuck him basically publicly so the fact that she's like sort of considering trying out and doesn't want i guess like if you really think about it though she's the ideal candidate because she is maybe still has feelings for an ex and is totally jealous of the other girls that the guy's gonna have sex with oh so maybe she's just delusional enough for to be a good candidate maybe so this and if she's like gonna throw a fit about uh him sleeping with other people then i could make for a good tv i don't know if i was a producer sure maybe i in fact

she's gonna be on the bed she's gonna win next year and just we're gonna read this email i feel like you could you're you could almost be on the bachelor oh really yeah you don't have to be a female oh you i think i could be the bachelor you could be the bachelor aren't the right you're the right age you're not quite attractive enough aren't they like big hunky dudes yeah that's why i'm saying you're not quite attractive yeah but like you're you're the right age you have a good amount of success oh it's usually successful you're like a nice guy yeah and you're not like unfit you're like good enough uh-huh you know i was thinking about trying for the lakers uh they have like a summer league open uh what is it called when oh open try out oh right but what's your jersey number

exactly i'm just kind of afraid like where do i where do i go from there like what what if the locker room isn't comfortable what if the travel schedule doesn't jive with like if we have like the pilot going i know i know that's like i don't want to like start that process you know i get that i get that and like there was this jeopardy quiz where you take a quiz and you find out like if you can be on jeopardy yeah but how would you spend your money once you want exactly like you invest if i'm a five-time champion is that that's kind it's a that's negative attention so i don't want to like i don't want to have that hanging over me right do you think i'm i'm i'm i'm getting ahead of myself um no i mean it's good to think these things through i'm always 45 steps ahead

also in the best case scenario too uh so our advice to this lady is um i guess don't worry about winning right now right let's take it one step at a time do you want to try out for the bachelor you don't have to you don't have to you don't have to but you also don't have to be on it if you try out if you're interested in the audition how that process will go you'll probably learn a lot more about the show going forward and then as you're taking step after step in this process and by the way who knows if you actually will my guess is you won't but then you'll be able to make an educated decision a little bit closer to the actual um event right i'm sure there's it's not just like a they put you on camera and then it's like you're on and you're out yeah you'll

talk to some producers and stuff you're going to the next step uh i would say audition sure it could be a fun day sure if you like waiting for a long line yeah you might just be like in one of those six blocks lines on hollywood boulevard in the hot sun you you go in for your interview and you have sunstroke as as a producer walks along the line and taps the girls he deems unattractive like if i'm touching your shoulder please just leave you you you you're fine you go you're fine go go our bachelor wouldn't take any of you into the the fantasy the fuck sweet oh it's a call what is the fantasy sweet i think that's like at the at the very last stage i do know that a little bit the very last stage when you have like two or three people left they give you like an overnight

date where you basically have a sleepover and i think it's supposed that everybody boasts in there yeah you're supposed to boast uh it's not a requirement we don't live in that kind of dystopian future but sort of we do huh but sort of utopian future uh all right next question question the deuce what the deuce nice stewie griffin it's not cool that you know who said that it's not not cool we need a guy's name how about stewie griffin it's not bad how about lubega nice lubega writes hey guys so this past weekend i fucked up big time friday night i had a party at my house pretty normal night i got a little too drunk we were all swimming and at two a.m i found myself in a hot tub with two other girls one thing leads to another and the girls start getting naked and

hooking up amazing right wrong i have a girlfriend who lives in a different country over the summer but being an extremely fucked up 19 year old kid who hasn't had sex in almost two months i allowed the situation to escalate now they're completely naked fingering each other and they begin to take off my swimsuit i resist at first but slowly allow it to happen now they're on my lap hooking up but i refrain from actually kissing either of them this goes on for about 15 minutes before i come to my senses clothe myself and go to bed the next morning i was mortified by what i had done i never actually kissed the other girls and they never jacked me off or anything also there is no way my girlfriend would find out because she doesn't know these people and no one else was there so the

question is do i tell her what happened any advice would be greatly appreciated p s do you think matt damon has ever ordered something on amazon clicked on submit before realizing he didn't want to send the package to his primary address so he quickly changed and canceled the order while he was submitting but he couldn't cancel it in time so he had to call amazon customer service and cancel the order and reorder it to the correct address thanks stewie griffin don't think matt damons ever done that no i don't think i think he knows exactly what he wants i think he knows where it's going i think he clicks check out and i think he's an amazon prime member i think he gets there in two days free shipping actually now that i think about it his assistant might do it all

for him follow up do you think matt damon has lots and lots of like addresses as his amazon thing uh like he looks like an old apartment he used to live in right college dorm his ex-girlfriend a brother or his parents right or do you think he keeps it pretty clean only relevant and addresses in there i think the answer is that he keeps it pretty clean i think he keeps everything pretty clean i think he's very streamlined i think yeah i feel like he doesn't even have a lot of unused apps on his phone oh not at all that streamline yeah it might even all be he might be a one pager yeah but i don't know about the one page thing i think that's a little it's a little hokey because it's just so many folders you're not actually conveniencing

yourself you have to you can't swipe and click you have to click search click but i don't think he even has that many apps enough to there's no way they're like there aren't there are too many facebook you think he has twitter i think there are too many native apps to to just be on one page do you think there do you think that every every app that comes with the phone yeah it's on one page exactly i think so and i think he doesn't have a single convenient app i think he has the only apps that he has are like iphone games for his daughters interesting but you so you think that doesn't go to the second page i think it fits on the bottom row i think he has an iphone 6 plus i think you're making him too curmudgeonly no if oh you're saying a plus yeah i don't think he has

a plus i think he has a 128 gigabyte gold plus no chance he's got he's got a he's got a six let's find out all right let me call matt daemon if anybody can find out what kind of phone matt daemon has we'd really appreciate it uh as for this question oh we cheated on his girlfriend you think so i don't understand this fucking rule because i've been missing rule before yeah like what are you talking about are you can be naked while two people are fingering them like each other on top of you but it's not cheating because you didn't french them yeah you went to the bases beyond yeah i realized he didn't necessarily go to the bases right this is like the whole like i can have anal sex because it's not sex right but cheating is in the eye of the beholder it's like if you're

saying cheating is kissing then you're being a bit too literal the reason kissing is part of cheating is because you're like find yourself emotionally romantically involved with somebody right kissing is an expression of the cheat which is straying from your loved one that's right but if you're like if your loved one was over in her whatever country is like you were in a hot tub with two girls did you kiss them i didn't kiss them but don't no but but you didn't kiss them they did finger each other and i was fine i was fine baby i got it you didn't kiss them i did not kiss them but they were you're sure you didn't kiss the naked girls fingering each other on top of your heart dick i didn't yet they might have touched my dick but

they didn't jerk me to completion they didn't jerk you off no well they might have you jerked yourself off watching this that's fine you didn't kiss anyone i did not you didn't smooch one of the naked babes fingering her friend one of the girl's faces were close to me i might have rubbed my lips against her neck and cheek but i didn't actually make the i will say that if you're the kind of fucking cool ass dude that this happens to yeah like just don't have a girlfriend because then you can fully embrace a threesome without feeling guilty it is hard to let go of a threesome as a unicorn yeah this is not something that happens a lot throughout your life you're 19 you're in a hot tub you're throwing a party this your girlfriend doesn't know any of your

friends that would come to a party by the way this information can and will get out besides the point embrace this life that you get to lead not every 19 year old has this happen this is a yeah you saw a triple rainbow and more than that each girl that was naked there was a triple rainbow six rainbow it's a septuplet seven well you're part of the rainbow too each of them is three and you're the seventh rainbow and what you're doing is you're putting on blinders because your girlfriend doesn't want you to see rainbows it's not that the girlfriend don't put it on her yeah that's why she doesn't she doesn't want him to see rainbows that's the only reason yeah you shouldn't cheat on someone because you would break their heart and it also

is supposed to break your heart to break their heart it's a there's it's a it's a many-laned street blooming felt it's not the horror anger and fear that's that should be so what is it it's a mutual respect so let's say you don't this girl shouldn't cheat on her boyfriend just as this guy shouldn't cheat on his girlfriend right isn't it because you don't want to hurt the other person that's different than you saying the only reason he doesn't do it is because she doesn't want him to you're also supposed to not want to i'm getting lost in this argument should he tell his girlfriend what happened it's a really tough situation i probably wouldn't that being said just because he already did it and uh but i think the only way you can really

make it right is by uh breaking up and you can be vague you can say hey i think we should break up because i cheated on you you say i think we should break up because i can't give you the respect that you deserve i like did you cheat on me not technically that's what you'll say and she'll i'm sure she'll have no follow-up with any luck she's like railing as many dudes as she can oh that'd be nice europe or uh south america or europe or australia perhaps who knows yeah africa africa definitely she's probably in the congo or the sudan she's in chat she's a guy named chad yeah that's perfect yeah so he you have fucked up mm-hmm you have made a grave error but the silver lining here is that uh there are people that want to have threesomes with you so be single don't be

a shithead and you can have threesomes guilt-free you know he's gonna happen he's gonna break up with his girlfriend and then this thing's not gonna happen again what he caught was a was a lunar eclipse it's a supermoon it happens once every 84 years it's no you can do if you i think it happens once every eight it either happens a lot or never oh so it's rare that you only have one threesome would you say that most people have two or more threesomes or one threesome i bet it's i bet it's more if you've had a threesome you've had it more than once interesting it's kind of like tattoos more people have multiple tattoos than just one right because once you do it you realize how fucking amazing it oh no i already know how fucking amazing it would be don't don't get me wrong

that's not why i'm not having multiple threesomes i get that it's good yeah you i don't know if you have to bet if you had to bet on me having a threesome in my life would you say yes or no keep in mind i am 32 and a half at this point i haven't had one but you're also single and successful and you're getting hornier as the days as the days grow longer the more we get into summer the hornier i get it has to happen in august once the days get shorter i'm not sure you care about doing it i guess oh you're like it's not as big of a priority like i know i know it doesn't drive me or anything yeah like i would like it but i i would like to stumble into it right but if i if i made it my mission my goal if we had nothing else going on you think i could

pull it off i don't know it's it's a weird thing to make your goal because like i think people send you it's really hard to have a threesome when you're really trying you kind of you kind of do have to embrace it but you have to find ways to insert yourself into a situation where it could happen is there a tinder for threes uh there at least was when me and uh jeff and dave rosenberg were trying to invent it yeah a threesome tinder it's just all dudes that's the problem with the oh i think we were talking about like group tinder like me jeff and dave could have a profile on tinder oh that's like uh the grouper yeah but like grouper you don't know who the fuck you're gonna go and meet up with oh it's a blind thing yeah this would be like it would be me

jeff and dave joint profile oh and so everybody and like a group of three girls i think i think what i've heard since who the grouper existed is that they started doing that like you can swipe groups left and right that's smart that's exactly what it should be because people swipe tinder in groups too oh that's true too uh so what would you do if you were if i were you you would not tell the girl i would not tell the girl because i'm a coward but i would also break up with her because you can't keep on doing this right does she have a right to know yes of course i'm just not gonna tell her i guess i wouldn't tell her do i'll be a man brother especially because this guy thinks he did a good thing he's like he cut it off he could have been a lot worse

but he might as well have died you want to scold him a little bit like you didn't you're not a noble gentleman yeah you're not not in the jacuzzi i i guess it is like a pretty insane feat to like have two naked girls fingering each other on top of your naked body and to not kiss them or like i mean come to your sense dude you don't have to lie to us you definitely did something something else happened uh this what he did is almost a lose lose because it's like he sort of cheated on his girlfriend but he also didn't get to have a threesome yeah he should have just gone one way or the other right uh i guess i would be too afraid to tell a girl too that this happened right i mean at this point the relationship is over i to me right i don't think you come back

there's no world where the conversation is like hey i had a threesome i want to stay together like that's the worst idea oh well maybe he could do that he'd be like hey full honesty listen i want to stay together but i want you to know that this happened that's so fucking dumb but yeah that's a that's an option if he wants to if he wants to move forward with his girl only right that would be the thing to do but clearly you don't yeah you do right now but you don't really so you got that you got that stewie griffin enjoy embrace embrace the rainbows a little bit of monica's all you need a little bit of tina sets you free a little bit of sandra in the fun son a little bit of gloria all night long i don't know the words uh all right let's take a break we'll come back more

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i would say yeah night number one we saw rick fox that's true which is always a thrill that was a pleasure a joy it was a joy he is my spirit animal he is my rock he is my mentor i his mentee he is my teacher and i his student um a funny thing happened to me when i was ready to leave Las Vegas it was like 2 a.m i was going to drive early the next morning so i was like you know it's 2 a.m i lost half the money that i came here with but at least i have some money in my wallet do you feel comfortable saying how much money is uh i think it helps the story okay uh let's just say i brought a thousand dollars because you did yeah and i had 500 in my wallet still like okay that's fine i had fun in vegas for two nights i only lost five hundred dollars right that's perfect

not not perfect but it's not yeah yeah break even is great winning money is like that's the seventh septuple rainbow losing 500 is that's could be worse right because you could have lost it all right exactly exactly uh walking back to my room and uh a lady card dealer blackjack dealer recognized me and my buddy from the year before we had played with her wow and like i you know we were being drunkenly flirting with her because she's a very attractive you from a year ago she remembered me because she had she thought i looked familiar i guess she had seen some of our videos or some of the prank videos and then she's like she said that she followed me on instagram which is a huge get because yeah she then she knows how popular you are exactly she saw at the very least she sees

the life that i've led right uh so i was like oh my god yeah hey how are you doing i sat down and i wanted to play blackjack with her uh but she was at a 100 dollar minimum table which is uh eight times more than i've ever done for a minimum we usually play 50 10 to 15 dollars a hand it goes along it goes a long time and she's like well i could change it to 50 dollars and i was like yeah i could do that but i still also being like yeah this is two to three times yeah usually all right so instead of buying in with 200 i emptied my wallet and i said yeah i'll have 500 dollars worth of chips this is everything i have i'm like i really hope this lasts so you casually sat down you're like i guess i'll do 500 yeah i said and that's literally all the cat did you hide your

wallet a little bit uh fly buzzed out of it when i took the five out a button uh and i was like at the very least you know this will give us another fun moment with this lady um that we can sit hang out play blackjack it won't maybe it won't last very long maybe it will uh and she gave me a stack of 20 25 dollar chips and within four minutes it was all gone i had lost nine hands of blackjack in a row uh nine straight up one of which was doubled down i did not get a single glimpse i borderline busted every time the one time the two times that i didn't she got a 20 or 21 how it was what are the statistics of i think it was very rare in a row because i think you they have a slight advantage so it's almost like losing uh nine coin flips in a row which is like one in a thousand i would think

Jesus more than uh had she ever seen anything like it she says it's rare to lose 10 times in a row but she had gone through one time like the entire deck where somebody didn't win i did do something's wrong so i guess the stats were not a hundred percent my favorite and even oh you did go by the book yeah there were times when you hit when you shouldn't hit like 13 against a two where i was kind of like i might as well hit because i feel like she's gonna get a 20 or something small um i was playing on tilt a little bit towards the end but i would say it's it was still a rare feat and the problem was i was trying to act so cool so i was just like yeah you know this is just fun money but in the back of my head i'm like dammit it took me all weekend to lose 500

dollars and then i just did it in four minutes in front of this girl that i thought was attractive and i try to act cool and i'm trying to act like it's no big deal well my friend is just like he knows what's going on so he's just like quietly squeezing my shoulder like i'm there for you i also don't want to act like it's a big deal but it is uh and then she felt bad for me too because she took my money and i had to like at that some point i'm like i'm reassuring her and she's like i'm sorry i feel bad i'm like no don't feel bad i mean you're just doing your job this is fun and this is money that i came to lose i was like oh no that was a round trip flight to new york that was a really nice carpet for my room that i said was too expensive to buy a week ago that was

40 dinners that i think that are priced a little bit too high yeah uh so that was a fun moment i eventually my friend gave me like 200 dollars to gamble with again like i was basically borrowing from my friend so you're going into debt 1200 and i turned that 200 into 500 so i was able to like make 300 of the 500 i lost back it was a very it was like that moment in swingers where he like checks in he just gets three chips and he loses right away any glenn glenn will do i glenn live it only i didn't actually meet up with her and her friend after it so it was all the bad part of the bad part of swingers without actually meeting up with them after after the shift maybe someday you'll like start to date or something you guys will fall in love and you'll get to like really

really talk deeply about what this what what that moment was oh that was really nice and then when i propose to her it'll be like with a 500 dollar ring and she'll be like this is so cheap and chintzy and i'd be like i know but the 500 actually has a lot of significant meaning to me yeah but she'll be like i don't know what you're talking about i know what you mean you can drop 500 in vegas for a fun time and you can't drop 500 you can't drop more than that for a ring for your wife and then i'm like i can't believe you're you're making this moment about uh something as trivial as the the value of the ring the ring is just a simple the value of the yeah of the relationship how eternal is 500 i get that so then you guys spend a life uh happily ever after right i didn't do any of the

stuff you did really i was i i lounged by the pool yeah you had a pool vegas i had a pool vegas and it was a cool vegas as i got there on saturday morning to lay by the pool all day and it was 60 degrees and raining yeah it was an eye-opening experience i still went into that like uh river thing the lazy river and uh or wet river at the mgm at the mgm and you just sort of like you get a tube you have a drink you go it's like a quarter mile of like sort of like a windy maze of pools right uh it was just like frigid but i did it right and drizzling and then but then i like uh then i wrapped myself up in a blanket and i took a nap by the by the pool like under an awning so i wasn't getting rained on yeah and i woke up and it was like a full on hot day so so i got like

two good hours in by the pool that's a yeah that's a good microcosm of vegas you come in expecting one thing and it's often not what you get you can do it in different ways but then in the end it is perfect yeah and by the end you're just you're exhausted sad tired and borderline broke ready to leave forever it beats you up and then you miss it uh we have shows coming up in toronto october you can check those out take a near toronto or if i read toronto one live one live podcast in one other comedy show as part of just for last comedy festival uh anything else should we get to the last question let's do one final quest it's the final question need a guy's name trend trend writes hey guys i desperately need your advice my amazing girlfriend

of over two years has one huge downside her house is extremely smelly she lives with her parents and they have a lot of pets i'm not exaggerating they have two lizards two geckos one turtle two tortoises two frogs one snake two cats and a moldy dog it's like a freaking reptile and amphibian enclosure at a zoo obviously with all these pets her house has become really pungent imagine rotten food an animal that had died last week leave it out to dry in the sun and then inhale those ungodly fumes that's the stink right there it is so hard to breathe without wanting to gag or running outside also more insult to injury none of her family seems to mention or notice the stink and they don't clean up too the smell is equal to the mess it's absolutely nasty it's like one of those extreme

hoarder homes where there is a dusty crap everywhere and you feel the need for a chemical bath after entering i'm sorry for the long email but i really don't know what to do do i mention it do i just leave it and breathe through my mouth does my suffering make me a better boyfriend i can't stand it anymore please help thanks love Trent i will say your suffering makes you a better boyfriend but you're complaining about it like this this is inventing though this is i guess the nicest thing he can do remember when we stayed at that airbnb that had a turtle yeah it was nice it was a little bit stinky you just smell like the the aqua and you just like see a moldy like tank yeah you're grossed out by animals so imagine that but then there's also lizards geckos how is there a turtle

and then two tortoises yeah they're not the same i would i would definitely why don't you say three turtles yeah and then there's two lizards and two geckos you can just say four lizards let's condense it yeah there's a you did apologize for the long email so let's go through i will tell you you can condense a couple of the two frogs and a toad yeah is that true no but there is a snake and two cats that seems like a bad idea that seems like an emergency waiting oh that's a good idea though what if you just release some of the animals so they they eat each other oh pit animal against animal who would survive the snakes this all right this is how this is how it goes the the snakes eat the geckos and the lizards then the cats eat the snakes the dogs eat the cats yeah this is like a

cartoon so you're left with a dog and a and three tortoises you clean the tortoise you wash the dog and then you eat it all it's like a turducken you stuff the tortoise inside the dog turducken yeah turducken uh so what would you do if your girlfriend's house smelled like shit could you say in a nice way let's not go there it smells really bad yeah i i don't think i'd ever say it but i think i would just like more and more suggest alternatives like oh let's hang out at my house like let's make this part of this house like our own this is our own little corner i love when we hang out here this is my favorite place for us to be yeah positivity and then the absence of talking about her house and that space will show her the true feelings but

in a nice polite subtle way what do you imagine this house looks like the stinky house because i'm imagining dark gray or almost black shag carpeting oh yeah and like every and like really thick furniture that when you tap it you can see dust uh dust uh rise up out of it through the sun that comes through through a venetian blinds like metal venetian blinds that are like we're hot in like the late 80s oh yeah they're kind of bent right now yeah yeah like bent bent tin venetian blinds a little bit uh and then the tank is sort of the only thing that's illuminated but like there's only like one bulb working right there's like a grime on it yeah grime like a grimy dark brown like a bag of crickets for the snakes and the geckos oh yeah and the freezer has noots of cubed frozen noots

that you have to feed the lizard and gecko and like a little little bag of dead mice for the snakes too so like the feed is sort of like stilling onto the floor yeah the dog needs to be walked there's a tv there's a tv with antenna like rabbit ears antenna yeah and it's like sort of it's it's the what is it called when it's like scrolling but not really necessary like in a vhs player where the those the images scrolling up yeah and then when you hit the tv right sort of it straightens up for a little bit yeah i guess i would tell your i would just still not say anything to the girlfriend i mean does she doesn't mention it she yeah because i think they're so used to a smell have you ever been in a room that's so stinky but you're in there for two hours and then

someone walks in and they're like holy shit it smells in here right but i understand but that becomes i understand that parents feeling like that like if they're hoarders and they're living there all the time but the girl his girlfriend must she goes out and sees the world as this boyfriend does and then she comes in so she must she must be aware she should be especially of the stack of the dry yellow newspapers that they have that they refuse to throw out right and they're so dry at this point i can't i can't get rid of these yeah these are the these are important to a blind man it feels like i'll organize them i'll organize it don't touch them i'll do it tv guides from 1993 and then like don't throw that away when you touch the newspaper it really feels to a blind person

like he's touching a baked lay or a pringle like that's the same consistency thin and crispy yeah the paper would be thin and crispy uh so what can you do at this point i already said what i can do you just keep on describing the house a ceiling fan that hasn't worked in a while so that there's cobwebs that are attached from the roof to the ceiling fan and you see it and you're like that took must have taken years there's a nest a nest on there so it months it that this this circulation and what's the art on the wall like oh the art is posters old posters like from a dentist's office oh yeah with like plastic frames that are sort of like the frame part on the bottom is yeah it's starting to like slide out and it's the poster of a painting with the information about where that

screen is yeah it's like it shows like where it was and where they got it right oh like somebody bought this poster at the louvre because it's a poster of the painting at the louvre and the frame like you said is either plastic or maybe like a brushed gold metal but it's still falling off yeah for sure uh what else do you think what are the bathrooms like in this home uh i feel like you want to say all right a carpet a carpet atop on the top of the toilet seat cover a carpet toilet seat cover a Kleenex box but not any Kleenex inside of it on on the septic tank oh there's a septic tank in the bathroom yeah that's insane uh huh uh and then uh what mildew on the shower curtain oh for sure yeah every towel in there is brown dots every single towel is wet just soaking

wet it can't ever drive because it's so dank and dark in there nine toothbrushes on the on the sink but only four people live there the gecko has two brushes six six bristles on each brush some of them just the stick what's going on here this is where the yellow king lives um i would think i would have to say something right you can't not say anything i'm sorry i don't like going to your house because i don't like the odor yeah i really can't stand it and then let's see how she reacts to that should if if she was a nice person she would commiserate she would feel a little bad at first because you're basically insulting her family yeah i think that's maybe if you do say something the one thing you have to be prepared for is the backlash right she's because to you it sort of

feels like cathartic i'm sorry i just don't feel comfortable in your house it's kind of it like i don't like the smell like be polite and then she's going to be upset so the one thing to do is be really patient with her being upset by you right you know like you can't get all also get defensive because two people being defensive is no bueno so she'll maybe get defensive and you say i know i understand i i'm sorry that it's hard to apologize yeah like i'm sorry that this is the way i feel those kind of apologize this there's like i'm sorry about how you feel about like yeah it's like i don't feel bad but i'm sorry about how you reacted to that you never want to apologize like that like i think you have to say what is the i i'm genuinely sorry that this that i i know this

is going to hurt your feelings but i'm saying it because i believe it's going to make us stronger in the long run right and i'm trying to do it as sensitively as i possibly can um i remember the uh the word for the vhs that rotates up and down scrolls up and down it's called tracking nice you can adjust the tracking and that's our show yeah vhs a rewinder uh in the media cabinet and that's it just a vhs oh but no no play no vcr all right say something if you have to what if you actually have to go for it but be prepared um all right that is it that's our show thank you so much for listening everybody if you have your own questions your own theme song submissions please send them over to if i were you show at gmail.com we also need facebook images or sorry images for our

facebook account whenever we post about the podcast we use the original artwork created by our talented fans everything the email for everything from top to bottom is if i were you show at gmail.com thank you to matt gilroy for writing the opening theme song for this episode and thank you to charlie bird for making the closing theme song thanks birdie thanks charlie bird we'll be back next week namaste toda we appreciate you much love goodbye and see you and sayah and signing up sir to sign off one more time is is here we are signing off to you wasting no time wasting no words i read see you bye bye perfect game charlie bird is a bit of a nerd but the pinch don't flinch haven't you heard they make some snacks from nature

box awesome me on these pants and socks but even that is good funny shit and all of that is just about it if you're telling me this don't impress a starbucks suicide for you i guess