If I Were You - 165: League (Live from Montreal!)

Episode Date: July 30, 2015

In this episode we discuss stupidity, pregnancies, and fantasies with a special friend, live from Montreal!This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com and MileIQ!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'd tell you what I would do. If only I were you, show.com Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your hosts, Jake and Amir. I got 99 points, but a bitch ain't one. Hit me! Carrying a weapon on you, I know a lot of you are. Hey! That should have been the whole show as I was taking photos with people. That's our time.

One by one. You know what? Fuck it. Two by two. We've earned it. Montreal, how's it going? Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Yes. That's right. Tota, Tota, this is correct. Holy shit, I wish my mom could see this. She's here, she's just blind. She can hear it super well. Mommy, follow my voice, mommy. No point in waving.

How are you guys doing? This is really cool. This is our first live podcast in Canada, all of Canada. That is true. Now, who here is familiar with our show? Who here has never heard us before in their life? Somebody hasn't. Cool.

You're going to be so fucking confused for the next time. I, Borderline, don't get this. And I am this. So no, this is an advice podcast. It's called If I Were You. People will write us questions. They're in sticky situations in their lives and they want Jake and mine's help, our advice for whatever reason.

So if you guys don't mind, we can answer some questions in front of you guys. Maybe you guys can help us out too. We're going to take us, what's going on right here? Okay, I'm actually okay. I'm still feeling a little hungover from yesterday. So, all right, let's take a seat. Let's answer some questions. Here we go.

All right, I really like this enthusiasm. It's making me feel really good. You should say, you should say a catchphrase, like got any cheese? Oh yeah. I don't know if I do that one ever on the podcast, right? It doesn't matter if it's on the podcast. It's really close to what we do actually do. Seize the cheese.

Oh yeah, that's true. That is kind of fun. See? I don't know if I know, huh? I don't know that one. Oh yeah, Kanye. Ta-da, cheers to us and the longevity of our relationship. Here's your drink.

Bad luck if you don't. Sure. Here we go. I love you, brother. I love you. And you're great, man. Oh, look off at that. Say you love me.

Say it, say it all. I love you. Do you love me? And we're good, man. It's so clear you're avoiding saying it. We're not. I'm not avoiding it. We are good together.

I think we make a good team, baby. Not baby. That's actually pretty nice. That's better than love. What you said was kind of more intimate, actually. Alright, first question. These are real emails from real people. We're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity.

I'm hearing a lot of crandis. Really? Crandis has followed us from city to city. He haunts our dreams. Like an STD. Or she. We don't even know. Alright, Crandis writes.

Need a little mustache napkin. Hey, guys. I'm a little bit on the crazy side in that I will do anything anyone tells me to and will go to extreme for stupid jokes. Anyway, I fear I may have accidentally gotten into a gay sexting relationship. I was joking around with a buddy of mine talking about butts. And long story short, I told him I was going to send him a pic of my ass. He didn't believe me, but I fricking did it.

Yeah. He then told me he said it at his profile pic of me on his phone. I was cool with it and thought it was funny. A few days later, he asked me for another saying the first one was low quality. I didn't think much of it, but skipped to a couple months later and he texts me again. Can you send me a new profile pic? My mom deleted the old one. As a joke, I replied, nope, sorry, man.

You're buttless. LOL. He then replied, then send me a better butt pic, please. Stating that he's looked at the same pic for too long and that I should send him a side view. I guess my question is, is he jacking off to my butt? Should I send him more? I'll probably send him one more. But should I continue after that?

Should I do him this solid? He isn't the type of guy to keep a joke going, if at all. Any advice would be appreciated? Love? Crandis. Let's give it up for Crandis. Okay, so let's dissect the question. He had a couple queries.

One, is his friend jacking off to his butt pics? Yes. I venture to say yes. Should he send him more? I'm a little torn too. This guy brings up a good point. There's something kind of hot about it. Yeah, somebody is coming to you.

Yeah, you're a little bit hot for that. Yeah, you're a hot guy to him. Which is nice to me for you to have for them, to us, with you. I really like that sentence structure. Preposition noun, 90 times in a row. Would you send a butt picture to a guy? I... Let's say you were friends, obviously you're not,

but let's say you were friends with a homosexual. Excuse me. Hypothetically, you guys. Scared me for a second. You know I'm the most heterosexual dude in the world, right? Let's kiss about it. As a bit, how far can you go and still be hetero, right? He's making this, like, ha ha, it's funny.

Here's a picture of my butt, you're jerking off to it. That's hilarious. Ha ha, it's funny. Now you, I'm sending you more and more, and ha ha ha, it's funny, I'm letting you blow me. This is a bit... This is so silly. I get myself in these... We're 69-ing and we're each getting dome.

It doesn't... I guess, like, where's the line? You have to draw it somewhere. I think you should draw it in cum. I really think the line... Interesting point. Should be semen-sized. And what do you think?

Blind Mrs. Blumenthal? She agrees. In Hebrew, but still. I think it's fine. It doesn't really matter. You're giving someone a gift. Who cares? I gave you...

If I gave you any present, if you jerk off to it, that's your prerogative. And you gave me a lovely pen for my birthday last year, and you better believe I've noted on it. Absolutely you have. I've noticed that. I jerk off to the gift. It's a really nice quill.

It gets me a little hard. It's a fountain pen. It's a fountain pen. It's a Lanny 1200 blue series fountain pen. It's really nice. Just drenched in semen. Drenched in semen, yeah. Absolutely.

And I appreciate it. Here's the problem with nude pictures, and I think everybody can relate to this a little bit. Nobody's ever satiated by them. If you send a nude picture, the response is always like, that's so hot, that's so hot, that's so hot. Can I have another one?

Yeah. So you're going down this rabbit hole, where you're going to have to keep on sending in pictures of your ass. It's interesting that he wants a side view. Isn't that a downgrade? Oh, this picture of your tits is so hot. Do one where you're covering it.

Do one where I can't see the private parts. But you can see why teasing Bikini is hotter than nude. If anything, it's a little weirder that he has a specific demand. You know, side... Like he's got a fetish. Yeah, he likes side butt. He likes side butt. But I do like your theory that porn is like the Pringles.

Once you pop, you can't stop. It just makes you... This episode is sponsored by Pringles. Absolutely. The porn of potato chips they call themselves, never. There is that guy with the mustache on the bottom. Yeah. I could see him jerking off the side butt.

Let's get to what the hell he actually asked us so we can answer it. What are you talking about? We did. Yeah. I think we answered the question. Do you guys feel like we answered the question sufficiently? Yeah, he's jerking off and it's fine. He is jacking off. Should I send him more? You should probably start to cut him off. Wean him off.

You're like a drug dealer. You don't want to send him down that road. All right. Send him, let's say, two more. One side view and one gaping hole. Yeah. And then... That's it.

He needs the brown eye. Now, do you mind... May I read the next question so you can start to drink your whiskey? Yeah. Because I don't want to put you on blast, but you haven't touched it since we... since we cheersed. All right. Actually, I could put him on. This is a...

It's a French-Canadian blast on a Saturday night. I think it's deserved. I think it's earned. I think, yep, I'm going to keep your phone after this, too. Smallest sip I've ever seen. Chug, chug, chug. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug. No!

This... This is peer pressure. And I won't do it. In fact, one time during a live show, they chanted chug, I chugged, I didn't finish, and then they booed me. Do you realize how fucked it is to give it to peer pressure? And now you're complaining. How do you get out of this?

You have to chug it. All right, I'll chug, but I might not finish. Is that okay with you guys? Let's give them chug one more time so we can... All right, ready? Oh, you know what? Let's just give them sip halfway. Sip halfway, sip halfway, sip halfway, sip halfway, sip halfway, sip halfway. That was not halfway!

It wasn't quite halfway, but yeah, sure. Give it up for Blumenfeld. I like that. You guys are like reasonable peer pressurers. Very polite. It's like, hey, if you don't smoke this drug, you're bisexual. Okay, question the second. Can we get a... Wait, everyone, absolute silence? Deliah?

Wait, shh. What'd you say? Crystallia. Crystallia? Okay, Crystallia writes. He is here, by the way. He's at the back of the show. Huge fan wearing a Seize the Cheese shirt. Dear Josh and Amir. For the person who doesn't listen to the show, I'm also Josh sometimes.

Josh R. Yeah, Josh R. And also the pinch. This is... Get those crab claws up, babies! Loser. That's what my father would say if he were here. Dear Josh and Amir, I love the show and knew I could come to you divas for advice.

I found myself in quite the sexual pickle. I've been dating this amazing girl for over seven months now and everything is going amaze balls. Whenever they start like that, it's never actually going amazing. We love each other and are highly attracted to one another, yet we have yet to have actual sex. We've gotten as close to sex as you can get without penis in vagina penetration. Hand jobs, blow jobs, even anal.

That is sex. The second part of anal is the word sex. But never have I ever done it the way God intended it to be. Her biggest fear is getting pregnant, which I totally understand, but I've said I'd wear a condom and also pull out before ejaculation. She still doesn't seem to trust these methods of birth control. I'm starting to feel as if sex is an infinitesimal point. He used that word incorrectly.

Don't listen to that. Sick. So here's my question. How can I convince my girlfriend to let me have sex with her? And are there any other methods of birth control we can try besides condoms and birth control pills, which she can't get because she's still 17? I don't know about that rule.

So, you can't have birth control. How old is he? 61. It's fine. Completely non sequit or unrelated. It doesn't matter. He is 91 years old. I read that question earlier and I crunched some numbers to see indeed how, what was the efficacy of condoms and versus pulling out the withdrawal method.

I found out kind of a gray area of answers because there's one percentage that says, condoms are 85% effective when used incorrectly. And when used correctly, they're 98% effective. Great. Pulling out is about 50% effective when used incorrectly. Though if you ask me, it should be 0% effective. Same with condoms. If you put it on your face, if you do it wrong, 0%.

How do you do it wrong and it's still 85? Unless you're wrong is putting your entire body in the condom. If you do it wrong, 0% effective, according to me. So 85 to 98 and then pulling out was like 50% effective to 96% when done correctly. You're losing me right now, but go ahead. If you do them both correctly, this is just a tip for this guy. If you are crunching these numbers, you will never have sex. Luckily, I've done it for you.

If you use a condom correctly and pull out, which is so unnecessary, the odds of you getting a semen or the sperm getting to your egg is 1 in over 12,000. So if this girl is worried about getting pregnant, he should just make sure to say, I'm going to use it correctly. I'm actually going to put it on my penis. I'm actually going to take my penis out somehow before I ejaculate. And if she still needs more, like a third level, a layer of birth control, there's also the calendar system,

which means you can't get pregnant close to your actual menstruation date. So if that's still not enough for her, I fear that she just doesn't want to fuck this guy. Then again, he's getting anal. That's kind of doping off, man. I've not had anal. We do the vaginal try to get to the butt. You skipped over. Yeah. This guy has a home run and he's like, I didn't touch third. Does it still count?

I was worried about the baseball references up here, but luckily I remember the Malkyal Expos played here from 1981 to 2002. R.I.P. Do you think she's just afraid of getting pregnant or she doesn't want to do this guy in the VJ? You know what? I did some research as well. That just means you watched a lot of porn earlier. I do, and I did. Did you guys know we got a free fleshlight for performing here?

I'll show you. I don't have it now. I threw it away. Just kidding. It's in my bag. All right. So I did some research as well. One thing that I came across that was interesting that conflicts with your research a little bit is they advise not combining the two methods of using a condom and pulling out because sometimes in your haste to pull out, you're not gripping the bottom of the condom and that shit could slip right off and then that's not good. That's just a bag of cum in your girlfriend, which is what I call myself sometimes.

I am really just a walking bag of cum. So there's that. The other thing is essentially what you're saying, which is she doesn't want to fuck you because she might just not be ready for sex. So all you can really do is not pressure your girlfriend ever to have sex, but you can sure say, hey, I've researched this amount and these are the chances of you getting pregnant. And if you don't want to do it, that's fine. But I just wanted to put all the research on the table here in your call.

Yeah. No pressure. No pressure. But these are the numbers. But, but, but, but, but, but. The proof is in the pudding. I'd like anal sex, I think. Who's this chick that's given it up so easily? This, this, this butthore. Hey. Whoa. Sorry, I've had a single sip of this.

Apple juice, bourbon apple juice. Oh, dear. All right. So have an open conversation with her. Tell her it's not actually risky. If she still doesn't want to sleep with you, odds are maybe she just doesn't want to do that or something. Yeah, but you know what? Try to enjoy the butt sex while it's happening because I do guarantee this is the only time you will ever get that this willy-nilly. Yeah. Pretty amazing. It's a child complaining about getting dessert without having to eat its vegetables.

Oh, vaginal sex isn't that bad. Neither are Brussels sprouts. Cheers. Let's take a short break right now for those of you listening at home. If you're listening at home, we'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area.

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If I were you, you do that today, you can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help and it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com. Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. If you really know how to code or design to create a professional looking website so if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one

or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24-7 live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy where Blumenfeld is a gooddude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up.

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We have a few more questions to answer in front of you guys if that's okay with you. I don't know if you guys listen to the program, but sometimes it's just us two giving our advice and sometimes we have a friend. And tonight we have a very special friend. You guys have seen him both on our videos and probably HBO's Silicon Valley. Put your hands together for Thomas Middleton. What fun! The good news is there's only seven minutes until the show has to end.

Penis! Ah, give it to me, internet! Get it out right now, you fucking weirdos! Shame on you! Get it out! I can't contain myself. I must yell penis. I have to. You strange, strange people.

Zeus! Zeus! That's me versus you. I'll win. I'm making more money. Wow. You people created that! I blame only you both, but I still happen to love you.

We're here to answer questions. Questions are my favorite part about the podcast, so let's get tuned. Let's get right into it. What a weird thing. I know. God. I never will. Excuse you. Excuse you.

Very much, excuse you. Excuse you. Hey! Get it out, man. Fucking do it. You can just sit up here and yell it out. Yeah, just yell it out. Do it now.

You yell the quotes and he'll do them back. Yeah, just do it now instead of saving them for Instagram photos like me and my soon-to-be nephew. My potential two-year-old nephew. Penis! Yeah, just cap-flop penis with me and a two-year-old boy. So do it now. Yes! All right, all right.

That's enough, you guys. He's still a man. Hard life. All right. You know, you'd think being on home box office would change things. Not with you, fucks. Great to be here. Well, let's do it.

All right, all right. All right, baby. Here we go. What's the name? What's the name? You want to give us a name? Yeah. Oh.

Shut up. Sleem. And you can spell that for us? S-L-E-E-M. Sleem. Just what I thought. Just what I hoped. Hi, I'm Sleem.

I'm a junior in high school and one of my best friends is a girl that I really, really like. We're pretty close and kind of flirty. If she were anybody else, I would be positive that she likes me. The thing is, she's way out of my league. I don't think like that. Not only is she super nice, but she's smart, funny, outgoing, and gorgeous. I would say that I'm smart and kind of funny, but I can be bitter and not nice.

And I'm not handsome at all. Don't be sad. He attached a photo. He's actually a gargoyle. At the bottom, there's a whole list of women he's sexually assaulted. So you're fine. My question is, do girls ever date below their league? If so, what's the best way to court a girl?

Oh. If you're not the most attractive guy in the world. Babies. Babies. Thanks. Love Sleem. Sleem. Sleem.

You look like you have an opinion. You're leaning back with such confidence. We're going to slide out of the chair. There is a right answer and you have it. No, no. There's no right answer to any life, to any life. Write that down. But my first thing to Sleem would be, don't think of relationships of leagues.

That's an unhealthy way of looking at people. You're one league and I'm another. And you guys are, by the way. You're hot and red and you're ugly and poor. Yeah. It's true. It's a fact. Why are you mad?

You don't even know how much HBO pays. No idea. I came here for free because I make so much money otherwise. The point is, you can't look at it like that. Because, I mean, right? Back me up here. If you look at it like people are leagues, that's crazy. Here's the thing.

If you're hooking up with a girl, she is in your league. The problem is, this guy is treating leagues as attractiveness. But league is all-encompassing. I can date someone who's more physically attractive than me. In fact, I almost exclusively do. All my friends hook up with girls who are more attractive. All your friends are like, they look at you and whoever girl you're with and go, really?

Yeah. That's my type. And then they meet the girls and they go, I get it. Oh, I get it. She can barely spell her own name. S-L-I? It's S-L-W-E-M. Well, the thing is, leagues are just like regular leagues.

Leagues are more than just points. Listen, in basketball, De'Andre Jordan can't dribble. He can't shoot. But he's still getting paid more than Steph Curry. You know why? Because he can play defense. He can rebound. He can block shots.

There's a single clap going on. So, yeah. Let's go. It might be more conventionally attractive, but maybe you're better at other things. And girls don't actually necessarily care about that kind of stuff as much as guys. So I would say that they do, in fact, date below their attractiveness level a lot, but not necessarily below their league. Let's hear it because you are coming.

He's shaking his head. He's shaking his head. He's like, you like it or not like it? Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby. Baby, baby, baby. This is the beginning of Paisley and Jojo. This is how it actually is. This is how it actually is.

Well, here's the thing. This is the thing. I'm not even dissuading what you're saying. A little bit. Now you're giving merits to... You don't have to interrupt. He's talking. I'm...

We're both talking. No, this is my height, man. This is how Thomas do it. All right. Let's hear what Thomas has to say. Tell him how it is. Head it up, J.H. You're still talking about qualities that quantify people.

And the thing is, in the end, you're all just people. It's a matter of chemistry, baby. If I were talking about leagues, I would never be getting married to that hot blonde baby over there. And she's... No, no, no, no, no, no. Now, granted, she's only in it because I have status and money. But outside of that, I happen to be an extremely handsome individual.

No, but my point is, like, she's very cool and pretty and hilarious. And the fact that this old bag of tin... A picture of, like, a bag of miscellaneous tin. Tin collector. Oh, we gotta give her a tin to the... It's a war or so. Anyway... It's the war.

The war is on. Yes. Germans, though. Gotta give up the tin. Send your salami to the boy in the army. I guess you still can't quantify. You just have to have... What you have...

He has to... I tell you, this is the real thing. That man has to take ownership of the situation into his hands. He has to be like, is this girl for me as opposed to can I be worthy for her? That's a huge mental shift. That's when you turn the fucking game on. You're like, ooh, I like you, but what you gonna do for me? And as soon as you do that, then the girl's like, I don't know.

Maybe everything? Trust. Trust. Trust! Troops speak dubs! Peanuts! Dubs! Dubs!

Honey eggs! Dubs! Dubs! Sky jump! Sky jump. But what if he's really, really ugly? I don't know. She brings us a good point.

She was saying Scarjo, but that would be so funny. She was saying, sky jump. Jump out of the sky, now. Impossible. Unreasonable demands. Silly request. Jake does bring up a good point. What if he's actually really, really ugly?

What if he's really, really, really ugly? What if he's a fumper? Mm-hmm. A fumper, a dumpy, a crusty nuggler? What if he's Nuggler's Crumpy? What if he's a Crumpy Douglas and he's got all the skin, but it's extra? Uh... Here's...

You actually do bring up a great point. Thank you. See, you know, here in North America, here in the world, we think of... We want males of all status quo. We want this, like, porny, hot, like, God-at-all lady. And the thing is, man, there's so many beautiful babies, all of all different shapes and sizes. And the fact of this, you have to be somewhat aware of, like, where you're at right now.

I... like, here's... Oh, how real do I get? As real as fucking real. So I speak to the fugly dumpers? Speak from the heart, speak to the bubbly dumpers! Oh, fuck, man. How do I do this? I'll give you a beat.

Wait, I don't need a beat. No, no, no, no, no. That only makes it way harder. You don't have to... You're like, let me help you out. Let me give you a beat. Here, here, here. Do you mind, do you mind if I...

Play to the band. Curtain them. I'll give you a little beat. Do you mind if I give you a beat? I guess. Maybe rhyming, forcibly rhyming every other word will help. Yeah. I am McFantameter.

Listen all you fugly dumpers. This is horrible. I've had too many of these. No, I want you to stop. Because it'll only end up being a thing that I'll regret is doing it. I want you to help me out, but my point is the fact that everybody wants this crazy porn star and no one has the camera outside of themselves to be like,

why... Fuck, man. Can I tell you what, though? Just about this guy... I just want to encourage realism. About this guy specifically, and this, I think, is going to go to your point, because when he described this girl,

he didn't say hot first. He said she was funny. He said she was smart. Then he said she was beautiful. For me, what's attractive is someone... This is narcissistic, but what's attractive is someone kind of being into me. You know what I'm saying?

You like girls that are into you. Who knew? What a crazy concept. Going to a bar and being like, I like the girl over there that's into me. I suppose the girl over there who doesn't even know I exist. Do you like a girl because you think she looks like a girl that would be into you?

Like, you walk into a room and you scan. You're like, oh, that girl's kind of like hipster. Wait, wait. You just gave me a nosebleed. What was the question? Do I like a girl who think I might be into... What? What was it?

You're scanning the girls, and it's like, oh, I'm attracted to that type of... I'm scanning the girl's little RoboCop style. Target acquired. Do you land on a girl that looks like a type of girl that would like you, or she actually has to be into you? My experience is anytime I go after the girl

that I think that I would really, really like, it ends up being the girl that's like the worst fit for me. The girl who ends up being that I like is like, oh, just a genuinely nice person that likes being around me. Peace. All right. Next month.

Really quick. Two sentences or less. What should this guy do? I forget the question. He wants to know, essentially, can he take it to the next level with his friend? Do girls hook up with guys below their league? Should he do anything?

Abandoned league. All the time. Almost exclusively. They hook up with guys below their league. If you exchange that mindset to like, there is no league, yeah, sure. Right.

We're all in the league of humanity. Dude. I know. He wants to know, how can we tactically break it down so we can fuck her in the butt? Like the other guy. Well, actually, that brings us

to our next and last question. Let's get a little silly up in this. Are you guys, why don't you guys provide us? I like getting real in front of a live studio. Yeah, that was good. That's like my favorite. It's nice.

Is it weird? Okay, good. You're beautiful, baby. That hair come from my butthole and I put it on my face for this just as moment. How are we doing on time? We started late, right? 20 minutes.

Oh, perfect. If I hoidle doidles and you're my doidle, do I get to hoidle you? I think so. All right. I feel like a Yiddish riddle smith. A riddle smith. Yeah.

What's Schmoyle doing? He's smithing his riddles. He's like in this workshop, sweating leather apron like ding, ding riddles. What a funny idea. It's Billy Crystal from the princess bride, like, I shall go, I shall. And so my questions, Mr. Blumenfeld.

Instead of a mirror, what would you want your most Jewish first name to be? Instead of a mirror, Shmuel Blumenfeld. What would be a more Jewish name? You don't know. His middle name is Shmuel. Isn't it?

It is. Shmuel. Shmuel. Shmuel. Shmuel. Shmuel. See, Christianity and Judaism can coexist. It's funny because Yiddish riddle smith is how an anti-Semite

would call you if he thought you were Jewish. No, no, no. I only hear Dibbak speak. You demon. Do you want to read this next question? I'd fucking love to. Oh, this is exciting. It's a girl.

You give me, okay. It's a lady, but Tessie, I like Tessie. No, no, no. I have chosen. Tessie is the first name, but what's the last name? Oh, wait. Dewan.

They've got it. I've got it. Tessie, I've shut the fuck up. You animals. I'm an improviser. I take the first one I hear. Tessie Dewan, who I'm sure neither of those names were actually said, but that's just what I heard.

Hi, guys, is the first. Tessie Dewan writes. Hi. It's been like, yes, man, it's been three days in Montreal and very little to no sleep. So, anyway. Hi, guys. Love the show.

Here's my saturation. It's like one of those raspy girls. Do you ever get attracted to the raspy girls? Yeah. Like, I'm having so much fun partying. You're like, what's up with you? Can I figure out where you're going later? What did you do to lose your voice?

Yeah, being easy is what it is. Ooh. Oh, it fucking got real. After the whole speech of, like, just be you, and then, like, sluts or sluts, right? The duality of man. Okay, okay, okay. Here's my situation.

I've had a sexual fantasy for a few years now that I can't seem to make a reality. I want to have a threesome with two guys as I stare my eye daggers into my soon-to-be wife. I have a threesome with two guys and be double stuffed. Hand, hand for the ladies. Brackets, double stuffed as in one in the front and one in the back.

Dot, dot, dot, not both in one. And brackets. Like, get your minds out of the gutters, you perverts. I'm not an animal. What a joy this show is. Okay, I mentioned to my boyfriend in a playful, sexy way, but was quickly shut down. I started the conversation by asking about sexual fantasies

and what kinky fun things we should try. Then I casually brought up threesome. My boyfriend jumped on the idea of having a threesome with me and another girl, which is fan. Then I mentioned a threesome with another guy and that I wanted to be double stuffed. Dot, dot, dot, crickets. What's written?

I could imagine saying to me like, I'd like to be double stuffed. In Ernesty, like me, I'm looking at you being like, you know what, two in one hole? Just like, no, not two in one hole, like one in the front and one in the back. That makes sense. But like double stuffed, like a fucking double-decker Aurea.

Only more cream. A cricket. Continue. Blumenfeld. Oidl. I'd like to hoidl, that doidl. Crickets. End of conversation.

It's not like I want my boyfriend to mess around with another guy. It's not about that. It's just something I think would feel amazing and I want to try it. I know that may be a little unsettling to hear a girlfriend say she wants to get double stuffed. There it is.

Three times. She wants to get double stuffed. She wants to be in the middle. Yeah. She wanted me in the middle. What the fuck? You guys are animals. You just won me over.

Way to go. Way to go. Way to go. I like these guys now. I like them. Way to go, guys. Okay. Now you're fucking dead to me.

Okay. I'm settling here. Your girlfriend says she wants to get double stuffed. I totally get that. But here's the thing. I really want to have an exclamation point. So here's the question, Colin. And I do appreciate Grammar.

So she's done all right. How do I bring this up again in a way that's not pushier offensive, but lets my boyfriend know that it's more important that I made it seem during our first conversation. She's ESL. Also, just out of curiosity, how would you guys respond to a girl?

She asks you that. Is it off-putting or sexy? Thanks for the help. Tessie. Tessie. One person. Let's go now to Tessa DeWon. Tessa DeWon.

All right. First thoughts. I feel like the only person that would be down in this 3-0 is this Dio right here. It is like, when you hear that converse, like when you're like, hey, I want to have a threesome. You're like, huh?

And then she's like with another dude. And you're like, huh? All right. But also, why did you, like, why is it so great for another girl and for another dude to come in? You're like, fuck no. I'm going to rail two chicks.

I deserve that. I'll tell you. That's fair. Here, let me let you in. Tell me why. In my threesome fantasy with two ladies, the two ladies are also into each other, right? Right.

That's great. That sounds fantastic. Of course. But like in her threesome, in double stuffing, there's nothing I'm going to get from me and Amir looking across from like a pig that we've got on the spit. Some pig.

And we're like, and like, and I know you. This isn't fair. And we're like, no, but no, I don't want to do that. You guys are doing that. And that's good. Keep on doing it. Like, and sure, you're looking into each other's eyes. I'm trying to look over here.

I'm reading a Kindle. But you know that your girlfriends are full on ecstasy right now. You're giving her her dream, her hope, her fantasy. You know, you're right. I know. Here's what I also know. I would never fucking do it.

I have a theory. If you don't mind. Go and I've got one thing. Do you mind if I give you a beat? That does not help. Do you mind if I give you a beat? I got to wait in line for the DMV. Do you mind if I give you a beat?

I have no pressure to use it. I just been working on some shit. You're like, you're a waiter at a restaurant. Nobody's ordering beats. Do you mind? Can I bring you a plate of beats? Have you decided on your order to help you? Mind if I give you a beat?

Toof, toof, toof, toof, toof, toof, toof. Let me make my point. I won't be able to make it rhyme. All right. Let me make my point, and then we'll try to rhyme it. Sure. It's just abandon the rhyme. Here's the trade-off.

beginning of a song. Here's the here's the here's the here's the trade-off. She's saying, first of all, we all we we like the idea of us with two other girls. So she's saying two other girls. So you're saying this is an awkward moment but what I get in return is okay this is a deal I'll do it with another guy if we do it with another girl. I think it is worth I think it's worth that trade-off if you don't imagine yourself to marry this woman because then it's like oh what am I gonna marry a girl and then like oh every time I'm like oh me and another guy fucked my wife. I don't think that's okay but I think if you've never had a

threesome I think fucking a girl with another guy might be an all right price to pay for that. Prince Apache. Really really really that was a two-person applause. Well I think they're thinking about it because it makes so much sense. Let me let me let me let me piggyback that thought in a slightly more can I give you a beat please job mission hey brother can I give you a beat I think it's more about this like oh this is gonna get so real I think those things get real

on our show this is perfect you made it weird Pete Holmes you guys I think the thing is is like man there's a bit of here's the weird thing about it whether we like it or not whether we want to admit it or not but the animal kingdom does but we don't but there's a little bit of ownership when it comes to sex there's a little bit like I put my thing in you or we put our things together and now I kind of get you for a bit and so if you if you combine that it's just it's what it is if you combine that with like feelings and emotions like I love being around you I'm a seven you're an eight I don't care about leagues but like we're

together I think that even makes it tougher like if I think if you were gonna go for like I it's harder for me to imagine my love the love of my life the woman I'm gonna marry to be double-stuffed as opposed to some lady in Montreal she has to stop using double-stuffed definitely yeah double stuffed is a little like yeah I would react poorly to that too baby it's casual I'm just talking about being double-stuffed and like which dick do I get is mine in which dick do you get no you don't get any dicks Jake for the last time you don't get any dick hey babe double-stuffed I love the idea so

you fuck me he fucks me wrong which one's what we stick to I get so you got the strap on he got the dick yeah which one do I get baby jakey boy that's my answer you want I always quantify shit like you saw the last question give me me metrics baby if she if this guy's not down with a one to one conversion rate let's fucking up the ante we institute okay how about two threesomes for one three how much is the double-stuffed worth to you three four five threesomes at a certain point he's gonna have to make a call and be like it's worth ten threesomes and at that point if he's down I think you go for it

if you really think it's worth it if this guy still says no I think he wants to marry you which is kind of special in a different way I'm gonna have a minute up and you get double-stuffed by two dudes that aren't your boyfriend that's also like a real hard one to look at at Facebook but here's the thing I will say this is a slight slight slight epiphany of like the idea of being able to give your true true love one the most like incredible fantasy that he she has ever had it's pretty rewarding in itself but they're not to say that's without incredible obstacles like I think of lady luck over there and I love her and

the idea of giving her the her dream is like great but at the end of the at the end of the day like some dude either you either my friend I would be honored sir either I know I know I know I know it would be a dream come true okay well not that much dream come a cream come true but but but but either like a pal of mine helping me on this or like a stranger like so I can jacked up like hips with tattoos and he's got Ryan Gosling about it either or it's still really it's on tunnels and you need to you gotta weigh it all man I do have the emotional fortitude to provide your loved one with like her dream oh doidle doidle if you

got a hoidle a doidle do you a hoidle I don't know you do all right I think you got a Jake Hoidle's joy Jake Hoidle's any doidle you wouldn't want to doidle hoidling is hoidle you've hoidled any doidle I've hoidled the doidle before you have you spitted a double spitter oh yeah I've spitted a double spitter I you've been the doubler in a double set I've witted a triple spitter you know you've double you've triple stiffed have you really yeah triple I don't know we're talking about a woman quadruple stuff there's not a fourth but there's a weird like the guy like waiting I've ever been on I was the guy waiting that

actually knotted from jerking off just to stay hard it's like oh when's my turn when's much fuck fuck me I need to the line her wits I need you to know if I need to know if you've if you've double or have you double stuffed I know I mean that's a really and I would fucking love the opportunity to be frank with you tonight Montreal there's so many women there are so many women screaming if one of your girlfriends is screaming that loud look at her like this I didn't know that it was a chorus of very female screams wait let's the the specific question was how would you guys respond to a girl if she asked you that I'd take

it to her I've run the I'd run the scenario through my mind I judged the guys I mean you got you got it like like is it off-putting or sexy it's it's neither it's you know it's a little scary if it's someone a genuine if it's someone I'm dating casually it's not that big of a hurdle it's like it's more about the question of like who's the other person fuck yeah that's great like I'll get my friend Dave in here and he'll do it no Dave Rosenberg that though I did I fucking almost had a three-way with Dave Rosenberg came this fucking clothes but if it's some of you truly truly care about that so that's an

it ended up just being a two-way with just me and him by the way see you guys fucking nice nice nice nice nice nice missionary gay sex I like a lot Jake would you say what would you do would you go for it would you consider it yeah I would consider it I'd you know I would talk to her about whether it's the love of your life or just a random lady that air into I guess I if it's a random lady that I'm into then I fucking do it and if it's the love of my life I say let's let's talk let's zoom out a little bit I'd ask I'd ask on the scale of dreams where does it lie because no piece no because if this is a 10 out of 10 like ultimate scale

of dreams I want I want her to have it I truly do that's beautiful it's gonna be a hard thing for me to do but like if this is a woman and I'm like if it's your ultimate dream or if you die and you say I've never had this before and I regret dying right now I will have wanted to be the guy and she's like that's great so you're not involved it's Zach Woods and Kumail Nanjiani ooh that what a dream you've picked the perfect candidates Zach over Kamel just cuz he brags about having a big dick Kamel does Zach would never do that Zach would be like my penis is small I'm sorry for having one

are they here fuck it let's talk about it anyway what would you do that's what I would do I think if it would be someone that I envisioned being with forever I don't know if I can have that vision over me but if it's somebody that I don't imagine being with for the rest of my life I think it's a worthwhile price to pay and who's the dude you have a threesome with yeah who's the guy oh the other guy yeah I don't know if it could be you because I have to stare at you for the rest of my life so hello a shmere

I win I win that's our time thank you guys so much for coming Thomas Middleditch and you guys have been great thank you guys so much thank you namaste I'll tell you what I would do if only I were you