If I Were You - 166: HeadGum

Episode Date: August 3, 2015

In this episode we discuss cocaine and our new podcast network!This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com, BespokePost.com and MeUndies.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, I'd follow through, on every single thing you said that we would do. I'd take your hand, you would be me, I'd make it easy so that easily you'd see. The best advice is given to you right here by J.K.H. and Amir B. How was that? Very soothing. That's correct. It was soothing. Thank you.

You got, you nailed it. You nailed the tone of it. It wasn't a test. It shouldn't have been a test. Yeah, he said it was a soothing theme song and you nailed it. Oh, really? No, I made that up. This is Justin Kozyski, Kozyski, and he has a sound cloud.

So if you search soundcloud.com slash Justin hyphen Kozyski, you'll- You're going to have to spell that for people. K-O-S-I-S-K-Y. Oh, easier than I thought. Kozyski. Thank you, Justin. Big episode. Huge.

This, we don't usually have shit to announce. Yeah. This is an announcement. It's an announcement episode. It's something we've been working on for how long would you say? I mean, I guess we've been talking about it for a year more. I think more. I think more than a year.

I think we were living in New York when we came up with it. Wow. Yeah. No shit. Because I remember Kunal was there visiting us and like we went to the whiskey and we were coming up with names. Remember? That's true.

So we were at least in New York. We could look at when we registered the domain. Oh, I think it was two years ago in September. Holy shit. Anyway, it's a pretty cool thing. Anyway, we follow through. Sometimes it only takes two years. Sometimes it takes 25 months.

You might have heard it at the top of the show. This is now a head gum podcast. That is correct. Head gum. This is a head gum podcast. That's right. That was Rose. Fun fact.

Shout out to Rose for lending her voice. What is a head gum podcast? What is a head gum? What is head gum? Those are all questions we asked ourselves when we registered the domain name. Yeah, we got the domain name first and they're like, what's the business plan here? We've got something. I guess the idea was to make a podcast network because we were part of a podcast network

last year and it was our podcast and a bunch of other podcasts. Right. But you don't want to work for the guy. You want to be the guy. I don't want to. Yeah, I don't want to be the middle man. No, sorry. I don't want to be the middle man.

I want to be the middle man. Right. And we thought instead of being on a podcast network with some people that we don't know, what if we just got all of our friends? That's part two because we don't want to start a huge podcast network with a bunch of nameless faces that we don't know and we're just willy-nilly picking up podcasts. Yeah, we want friends and family. We approached only our friends and our family.

For example, Rosenberg twins. Oh. Dave and Jeff. Oh. We love them. We have them on our show as much as we can. But our whole, our show can't always be Jeff and Dave. But their show can be.

Yeah. And Mike Carnell. That's right. So they have a show on our network. Right. My three friends that I've known since I was like 13 or 14, they now have a basically almost a spin-off but not quite really. Right.

We like the episodes with Dave Rosenberg on our podcast. We like the episodes with Jeff Rosenberg on our podcast. And I tell you what, you are going to love Mike Carnell. Unfiltered. These are three friends that know each other so well. They have, they've known each other for more than half their lives. When I heard the first episode of that podcast, I was crying, laughing. I could not contain myself.

It has one of the funniest insults that Dave throws at Jeff. I won't spoil it, but just listen and you'll know the insult that I'm talking about. Their podcast is Twinnovations and the idea is basically- Is it Twinnovations or Twinnovation? Twinnovation. Either way, it's Dave and Jeff coming up with business ideas and Carnell sort of moderating the two. Carnell throws some in too.

Right. That's an example of a friend that wouldn't necessarily have a podcast on a network if he didn't know us and we didn't love them and now you guys can enjoy it too. Right. Another example, Julia Noons. Oh, The Nooner. Very funny, friendly, talented musician that we're friends with. She has such a distinct voice.

And we say, you know what, it's time we didn't just hear songs of hers. Yeah. It's time we hear words of hers. Right. And her opinions and her opines. So she had this idea for a podcast called That Was Us where people bring in an old example of writing. Actually, your episode, Jake, might be online right away.

Oh, I am. And things got real right off the bat. Yeah. We ended up talking about birth control. Exactly. Pretty solid. You brought in like an old email that you wrote. Yeah, I wrote an email to Planned Parenthood when I was 18.

Right. And I think I'm on episode two of that podcast. Every new podcast we have is available now on headgum.com. So usually people have a set schedule like ours will be every Monday. I think Dave and Jess will be every Thursday or Friday. Julius will be every Wednesday. But we made sure that there's at least one episode online of every podcast for you to enjoy right now.

Those are just two of the, I think we're launching with 10 or 11. Yeah. Your mom has a podcast. My mother's doing one. You're a fucking mom. One of the first people to approach me. Yeah. She came crawling out the woodwork as soon as she found out I had a network.

You grilled her. You said, I want to see 50 ideas. And then you didn't even read the list. And you're like, let's see 50 more. Never treat my mother this way. Never treat my mother this way. Unlike the normal type of podcast, which is 30-year-olds yelling at each other. Your mom's has a very...

She's a soothing, fucking-year-old woman. I don't know if she wants me to say her age. I'll just go back to the age that she used to tell me to tell her friends when we ran into them at the mall. That's good. 35. Okay. A soothing 35-year-old woman.

I got in real trouble one time. She was like... Someone asked how old she was. She's like, 35. You're 37. Mom. You're 37. She got so mad.

I love you, mama. You don't look a day over 25. What's your mom's podcast? It's called The Easy Chair. The idea is that it's... I think her intro is just like, welcome to The Easy Chair. So let me tell you a story, and then she's just... Week to week, she's a...

My mom is a young adult fiction writer, which anybody would know that because she promoted her novel on our show. That's true. But week to week, she's just going to be reading a story. And every episode is part of that short story that you read. Yeah. Also very enjoyable. Quite soothing.

Not unlike the intro song. Then there are some podcasts that have been going on for a while that we incorporated or brought back, like Streeter's podcast, Talk of Shame. Streeter had a podcast last year that took a hiatus, but we're basically begging him to bring it back, where he has comedian slash friends on to discuss most embarrassing stories with Streeter. We were both on that episode. That's true.

That podcast as well. Yes. Also true. Josh Rubin has another podcast. The Mind House podcast. Josh Rubin is somebody that you should love already. He was on our show. He was really funny.

He's just a really funny guy in general. See him on College Humor everywhere. Here's an episode you guys would love is he had Thomas Middleditch on. And it's like just one unbroken bit, pretty much the entire time. It is so unfiltered Middleditch and Josh Rubin, almost too much, but not enough. Many of us interviews with other artists and actors and comedians trying to discuss their craft, how they became, what they became, and who they became. There's other podcasts from some of our friends that you may not know yet.

Podcast that you should probably get into. For example, the Gilmore guys. Really really good guys. That's another podcast that's been around for a while. Right. They're already, they're like into season four of Dissecting the Show, right? Yeah. They are twice a week and they discuss episode by episode Gilmore Girls.

So if you're a Gilmore Girls fan, highly suggested recommendation. You know what? Even if you're not, it's pretty fun to watch the Dissect a show like this. Yeah, yeah. But if you are, it's especially good. And if you're looking for something to watch on TV, you should start the Gilmore Girls and start their podcast. They also said we would be on their show soon.

So hopefully that will happen as well. Oh, my friends, Laura Lane and Angela Spira. They have a podcast called This Is Why You're Single. It's true. It comes from their, they do a sold out comedy show by the same name in New York. They're writing a book by the same name. And I think they're a perfect female podcast for, you know, being single and dating. Yeah.

Anybody can listen to us where it's just two dudes, wax and philosophical about how dudes do dudes things. Yeah. And I do know what I'm talking about. And I can't speak for every gender. In fact, don't listen to their podcast. Listen to ours. But if you want a different opinion, a different angle, a different viewpoint.

This is why you're single also on the Head Gum Network. Listen to that podcast just for their jingle. It is so good. Also black men can't jump in a Hollywood. Talk about a different viewpoint from than ours. It's Jonathan Braylock, James the third and Geron Milligan talking about African Americans and their place in movie, the film industry currently and in movie history in general. These guys are three black comedians from the UCB.

They're super funny dudes. And I really love their podcasts specifically because they will go on these rants that are just so funny. But then also, there's like a bunch of times where they'll break it down into like really poignant social commentary and they're like, oh fuck, that's actually powerful. So it's like, there's not a lot of comedy podcasts out there that are like funny and make a point. And this is one of them.

And then I think the last one we haven't spoken about yet was Couple of Questions with Danielle, Joanna and Claire, also friends of ours. And they interview couples who have been together for at least two years. That's the minimum requirement. So there's no, there's nobody, nobody, there's half ass in it in here. About just them and their relationship. And that one gets very in depth and very cool and very interesting. We did that one and they were like, right off the bat, we're asking us the most intimate

personal questions we've ever been asked in an interview. Yeah. And we're like dodging and making jokes and they're like, haha, but really, when was the last time you two were mad at each other? Right. We're like, whoa. Like, do you remember your first intense conversation together? Yeah.

When did you know you guys were really, really going to last like be together? Yeah. What does Jake provide that you can't get anywhere else? And what does Amir do that Jake doesn't do? I don't know if our episode is going to be first, but our episode is coming up from that. They're all basically all these podcasts are, we tried to choose the most interesting, also the most entertaining, not necessarily humorous, but sometimes very much so. And they represent different slices of life.

There should be something for everybody. So if our podcast doesn't give you enough. Or especially if you like our podcast, then you know that you have the same taste as us and we like all the podcasts we picked up. And they're all on. You also forgot to mention John Gabrus. Holy shit. There's too many.

Yes. Okay. The last one we haven't talked about yet is the one that we've actually been the most involved in. So there's no real reason for us to forget. He was over literally an hour ago recording in our studio. Maybe that's why he slipped my eye. John Gabrus, one of the funniest guys we know who has been on our podcast before.

We specifically seeked him out and was like, do you have a podcast? Yeah. And he said, he's so funny. He was like making me laugh, doing nature box ads by himself. He was great on our show, but he doesn't have a podcast because he doesn't know how to start a podcast. So we're like, don't worry. We'll take care of everything else.

You just provide the show and we'll hook you up. So Gabrus' show, his pilot episode is us, me and Jake, on his show discussing what the show will be because we didn't really know other than just like John Gabrus being John Gabrus. Yeah. He didn't need to have an idea for us to want him to do a podcast with us. His podcast is called High and Mighty. If you know Gabrus, you'll understand how funny it is.

And if you don't know Gabrus, now is a great time to figure it out. Some of these shows have us on it already, which is sort of a good gateway like Gabrus' first episode and then Jake's on Julia's first episode. Jake and I have done Streeter's podcast. We're going to do Josh's podcast. We're going to try to make an appearance on some of these podcasts, but give them all a try. At the very least, start with the ones that sound most interesting and you can hear them

all hopefully if everything goes well on the technological side on headgum.com. That's H-E-A-D-G-U-M.com. And all these people are going to be very active on their respective social media. So let them know what you think. Let them know that you're enjoying it and you're listening, that you're checking it out. They'll be very excited. We're all as excited as hopefully they are as hopefully you guys are.

So everyone's sort of, this is an exciting day as it were. Remember that part of every episode where we're like, hey, yeah, click on our links, get us advertisers. It helps us make the podcast better. That's this. Right. For them. Actually happening.

Now. Like you guys did it enough that our podcast was successful and we're using it to make more podcasts. It does sound like we're just hammering it home, but I really do think our fans will like a lot of these shows. I don't know if you'll like every single one. Obviously there's something for everybody. I know they'll like every single one.

Really? I like to do sort of a foolhardy confidence. Yeah. I think you'll love them all. Sorry. You will love them all. Guaranteed. So that's it.

That's it. Or your money back. This is the official launch. We haven't promoted it. We haven't tweeted about it. We haven't Facebooked about it. So this episode of this podcast, Monday, August 3rd is the official thrust. There should be the first episode if everything goes well for every single one of these podcasts.

Do check them out. This is an exciting moment. How do you feel about it? I'm pumped. At first we were like, let's start with four or five. Let's take it slow. I think we didn't we first say let's start with 10 and then we only got like bites from three or four.

Then by the time Garrett Boatman, very talented guy built the website, by the time we got everybody else on board, we started thinking, oh, he should have a podcast. Oh, they should have a podcast. Oh, let's approach this person. This person. Right. We're at 11. It's amazing.

11 for the launch. We chose a very busy time in our lives while we're working on our TV show to do this. So that's what I'm saying. I hope this is all online. I hope everything's going well because I think I might be too busy to fix anything if it breaks. Yeah. So in a perfect world, everything's online available for you guys to bite into as soon

as possible. And yeah, I guess we hope you like it and thank you for checking them out. You will like it. You will check it out. Do you know that this makes me feel kind of like the first time we recorded a podcast. Do you remember the very first podcast that we recorded in my old apartment in Williamsburg? Yeah. Where we didn't.

Oh, you sang the theme song. It was on at my kitchen table and like the way but like the way I felt while we were doing it was like, I think we're having fun, but like, I have no idea if this will ever turn into anything. Yeah. You don't know. We had no idea if our podcast would be like a thing. Absolutely panned.

Right. Like if you were going to be like, we only like the videos, Jake and Amir. Don't talk. Yeah. Don't say anything. Don't do a podcast. It's true. It's people only knew us as these characters where they'd have to wait, you know, a week

to watch three minutes of a sketch clips and yeah, like sometimes we do outtakes. Sometimes we do like meet and greets or, you know, live streams or whatever, but podcasting was that was that was a scary one. Yeah. Well, what podcast does that no other medium does is like, not only can you hang out in a seemingly very intimate environment, just you listening to us too, but it also we can come up with 45 minutes of content a week. Like, right.

Even if you have a great TV show that's 22 minutes or an hour a week for like seven weeks or 20 weeks a year. This is like 45 minutes, maybe once, maybe twice a week for three years straight. It's insane. And now that we have all these other podcasts with us, how much content are we helping to put out into the ether? That's true. And all you guys listen to pocket, this is the hard part is getting people to listen.

You guys are already listening. If you're hearing this, you're listening to a podcast. You know how it works and hopefully you guys have a little bit more time on your schedule to enjoy some of these other podcasts. What else was I going to say? Oh, yeah, the name head gum. Oh, yeah. Doesn't mean anything kind of.

It does not have any real meaning. Well, we we've got different. First of all, do you want to tell everyone who came up with it? I think you just did that. Do you want to tell everyone? I think it was Marty, right? It's fucked up. Can't correct you because I'm not supposed to know.

Do you want to? Do you know who came up with it? I actually can't remember. I think maybe it was like one of those group think things like where I can maybe search my email had corn and then you said that was correct. You said had corn. I was like, that's pretty close. Better. Yeah. And corn is actually better.

Head gum. I think you said it, but I liked it the most. I actually I did say it and then I lobbied against it. Right. Well, I love it because it's fun to say and it's easy to say and it's easy to spell and it's quick to write and the domain name was available. Yeah. And there are two real words. Yeah. Head and gum.

Yeah. The reason I like it is because it feels like fresh breath for your brain. It's like, hey, chew on one of our podcasts. It'll like it's candy for your mind. Yeah. Well, that's the other way to look at it because like. Gum can be like minty fresh, refreshing your breath, like, you know, your breath is bad and the and the gum fixes it.

It's like a cure. It's like you imagine a red itchy red throat and then like the lozenge goes in and everything turns to green. Yeah. That's what I imagine. It's like a messy orange brain. You listen to a podcast and then all of a sudden it's freshness. It's a nice green, nice green, healthy looking brain. Is it too late to change the name to mind fresh or fresh mind?

Because now that you're saying this, I feel like we have a lot of air podcast already. That'd be great. But then the other alternative is is it is it's like a bubble like bubble gum? Is it a gumball for your brain? Oh, that's a little more playful. Oh, yeah. Fun. Like that kind of shit. Which one do you think it is? I think it's the first one, the one where it's fresh, because it's like sort of

light entertainment or refreshing. It lets you just like you're on a commute. You're sitting in traffic. It's not a fun situation. No one wants to be doing that. Or you're at the gym. You're pumping weights. You're on an elliptical. And I know you want to be doing that because you ain't going to the gym.

If you ain't going to the gym to work, you know what I'm saying? So the or you're doing dishes or you're doing laundry. It's a way to fill up space in your day in a more entertaining way. Holy shit. It's a way to fill up space in your day in a more entertaining way. What do you say? That's at least that's how I thought of it. Well, I thought of it.

We should read that old email thread with some of the ones that we came up with. Oh, man. Do we have that? Oh, we're just like us brainstorming. Yeah. Oh, God, it's so long ago. Well, let's see the first email. Just Google head gum and then go to your very first one that says it. Yeah, there's 147 emails in my account. Let's say head gum. Oh, no.

There should be way more. Yeah, that was just the beginning of it. Oh, dear. There's a way to go to last. Oh, really? Oh, no. Here we go. Three hundred and thirty seven. Don't me. Oh, my Lord. An eighty four. I bolt. This is an email.

From Jake to me, September 4th, 2013. Wow. So this is soon to be two years ago. Here's a bunch of I just searched for. I bolted the ones I'm super into, including some before. I feel like let's make a move. Once we got this choice out of the way, we can get into the real shit like ordering business cards and doodling a logo. Classic me.

Pizza Thief, good game team, six squad, really solid, quilt fort, dope force, tic-toe, head gum. Wow. Did I bold that one? No. Yeah, this is all the bold. Dome, bone, backyard mob, backyard squad, tree, Fort Trust and Fort Built. Fort Built. And then. You said I still think trust fall is perfect.

Trust fall was a domain that we weren't allowed to get. And then I said, I really like head gum. My sister in law said it's quirky and sounds like empty calories for your brain to chew on. But my brother says it sounds like getting gum stuck in your hair, which is bad. So that was the pros and cons of head gum at an early age. Then we I found some websites that weren't available,

but we could buy like the recess dot com for eleven hundred dollars. I'm happy with. I'm happy with head gum. I really am, especially because the other ones we were considering is Braille Cast and Doodly. Doodly. Yeah, stiff milk, pod stiff, stiff pad, towel, fort. Oh, towel.

Towel fort was good. I remember that was my vote. Yeah, I like I said I like towel for it, but I like head gum more. Easy to say and spell towel fort. The problem is towel for it. It's like I say that to my parents and they can't they don't instantly understand it. Yeah, no, it's not as good as head gum. Head gum is nice.

I think the more you say it, the like if you're if anybody is bumping with it right now, just keep on saying it because I didn't vibe with it either. And now I love it. It's head gum. It's sturdy. It's like thick and you just you you you like saying it and tell you what, how about a little bit of free promotion right now from from you to us? Turn to the person in your right or left and say, hey, I'm listening to a head gum podcast.

Hey, just so you know, I'm listening to a head gum podcast. I'm getting beat up on a bus leave me alone. Look, run to your one to your door, lift up the window and say, I'm a head gum as hell and I just can't take it anymore. Yeah, I don't know. Should we take a break? We've been talking for 25 minutes. Solid and dorsen.

We had a lot to say. We had to get this off our chest. This has been inside of us for two years. What an exciting day for us to to finally expose it to the world. Most people don't work this long on anything. And I guess for a long time, we were we were not necessarily actively working. But for the last couple months, we've been getting these people together, getting them recorded, getting them online.

Thank you to the people at Spreaker for helping us out for real. They're giving us hosting. They're making we're using their awesome player. So we really appreciate it. Spreaker, we really appreciate it. Garrett Boatman for building the website that looks so good and everyone else that's helped us along the way and all of our podcasters and all of our listeners.

Let's take a quick break and we'll come back and answer some fucking questions for crying out loud. This is an advice podcast. Finally, this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place.

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It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com slash if I were you. You do that today. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a

building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelphelp.com slash if I were you. Check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow.

For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy.

Amir Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me. Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were

you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial, everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. Hey, we're back. Totally forgot to mention the mysterious 12th podcast, that homeless guy that just takes shits on a microphone for two minutes a week.

And he sort of just, we try to guess what he eats or guess what he had that day for lunch. Anyway, yeah, his first episode is also brought to you by Squarespace. All right, headgum.com presents. If I were you, do you want to answer some questions on the show? Yeah, I'm down. Should we talk about what the show even is or this one's for the fans? They get it.

Yeah, they understand. They know. They know, they know. They know, they know, they know. Here's a fake name. Rangy. Rangy writes, this is a real email from a real person, fake name, preserve anonymity, real people, real emails.

Here we go. It is currently 209 AM and I'm sitting in my car outside a dingy gas station typing out this message to you. We will get to the present in a minute, but first some background. Two days ago, my girlfriend and I broke up. We had been dating around eight months. The breakup was sort of amicable because we're going to college in a month and she didn't want to go out with me anymore.

I also have another ex-girlfriend that I dated for a year in high school and she went to college and we had a nasty breakup that was no good for anyone. Fast forward to now, two days after my more recent breakup at about 12 30 AM, while out with friends, I get a text from my ex ex-girlfriend saying she's in town. We talk for a while and eventually arrive at the conclusion that we should meet up. The problem is if I meet up with this girl, I know we'll hook up.

She knows it. I know it. And if God was real, he would know it. I'm a very weak-willed person when it comes to making out with her. It's possible it could even escalate farther than that. Hence the convenience store where I'm buying an emergency box of condoms and some sour patch kids while on my way up to meet with this, this, this, this, this Vixen.

So what I need from you two is to please record and upload a podcast in the next, say 20 minutes. That talks me out of this, but my, but my ultimate question is, what are the ramifications of hooking up with someone soon after getting out of a relationship? I don't want to hurt the girl I just broke up with and she will definitely be hurt if she finds out I went straight to my ex after I break up with her. Thank you very much. Love the show.

Love. Rengie go. Rengie. Rengie. Rengie. Um. Think. Is there a moratorium?

Is there a break period? If you break up with somebody, especially it sounds like if they break up with you. Yeah, I think that's the nut. That's the kernel. Right. If you break up with someone, I think it is kind of a D mo, a dick move, a dyke move to hook up with someone, let's say in the next three days. OK, because that's like, hey, you clearly wanted to hook up with her right

when we were breaking up. Right. That's, but I mean, like what? You're there are no laws, no laws. There are no rules. It's not a rule. It's not a lot. It's really just like a unspoken thing that I think it's like, can you live

with that guilt and like, or can you live with keeping that secret? Because obviously, you know, you're going to go hook up with your ex and you don't want your, you're going to hook up with your ex-ex and you don't want your ex to know, right? How will they find out? Yeah, it's probably going to be fine. You're not cheating on anybody. You're just going to hook up with someone.

Right. Everyone is free, unencumbered, untethered stars in the universe right now. You can hook up with whoever you want and it might hurt somebody, but you know what? You, you cut yourself off from that person. Right. Uh, and then definitely that applies. If that person breaks up with you, right, then you can, then you should.

Yeah. You owe it to the countdown is on. Yeah. Then I mean, like for sure, go and like hook up with whoever you can, but it's a complicated and there's so many like different shades of this gray, like who broke up with who was it? An epic breakup where you guys together for a long time. Does your ex-ex know you're exed?

Is you, are you going to hook up with someone that knows both of you? There's just lots of gray area. Tell me something. Cause my opinion on this has changed as I've gotten older. I'm wiser now. Yeah. I'm almost 30. Two days away from being 30, I should say, just to continue this epic day.

So, so there is a time in my life where like if I broke up with someone and found out they hooked up with their ex-boyfriend, I would have been livid, I would have been so hurt. Yeah. But now if I did that, if I broke up with somebody and they went and slept with their ex, I would be like, that's understandable. Yeah. You wanted to go back and sleep with something.

Like that's a good entry way back into being single. Cause like you want to sleep with somebody else. That's not your boyfriend or girlfriend. Right. But you don't want to sleep with a complete stranger. You want to go back to sleep with somebody that, that's familiar. It's like testing the water. Right.

It's very, it's new, but old. Yeah. It's exciting, but also comforting. It would be fine with me if that happened. I would be like, yeah, good. That means we're getting over each other. If I broke up with somebody and I heard that they hooked up with somebody else, I guess I would feel a little awkward.

Cause then it's like, oh, I was just hooking up with this girl. I shouldn't say hooking up with, I was the only one to be intimate with this lady for however long, six, 12, 18, 24 months. And now the thought of her since that being physical and sexual and naked and with somebody else feels a little weird. It makes that person like an alien to you all over again. Yeah. But I guess I just feel like that's healthy.

I remember I, um, back in the day, uh, I broke up with somebody and I was like, it's good. It's over. We shouldn't be together. This is healthy. But then like somebody showed me a picture of them making out with somebody else. And I'm like, oh, this still like feels bad. Why would someone show you that picture?

I think they were just like, I don't know. It wasn't like, look at this. It was just like, Hey, look at, like, I don't know. It wasn't ill natured, but it was just like, it felt weird. I'm like, oh, I don't really want to see that. Right. I guess I wouldn't want to see it either. Right.

But like knowing that it happened, doesn't that make you feel a little gross? No, I always leave it as like thinking about my parents having sex. Like, I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to, I, but I'm like, on some level, I sure I like hope they have a healthy, happy sex life. Like I want that for them. And the same thing with an ex. Like I don't want her to go into a hole and be celibate and not have any fun.

Yeah. Want her to get laid too, but I don't want to know about it. You don't want to know your ex-wife's sex lives. Exactly. You didn't have to make life plural. You made it not run. Ex-wife sex life. My ex-wife sex life ex-wife.

Cause like you, cause the, cause the apostrophe. Yeah. You know, but, but cause the S from sex, he sort of don't need to make the life's plural ex-wife sex life. Oh, my ex-wife sex life. It sounds. Yeah. Yeah.

Then we agree. The double S. Yeah. Yeah. Um, but it's, uh, what did this guy ask? Oh, yeah, it's okay to go and hook up with his ex-ex. Yes, it's okay. Uh, we don't have to talk you out of it.

I am kind of wondering why you bought some sour patch kids in addition to the emergency box condoms. I just, I hope you're using the condoms correctly. I hope you're not stuffing them with sour patch kids. I hope the sour patch kids was just a little treat for you. He's using the sour patch kids to plug up his streethrough. Uh, so you do you, you know, you got to do you. Uh, and you're right.

There are no rules once you're broken up. There's just like a polite thing. Right. There's, there's the unwritten etiquette. Yeah. And I think that usually goes to, it goes towards like, did that ex-ex like negatively affect your relationship? You know, if I say, say I was going out with somebody and this girl's ex-boyfriend

was always hitting on her and always saying like, Hey, let's get a drink. I just want to be your friend. Like, right. Like that guy, then that would really bother me. Yeah. You don't want to be like that guy. If he was, it was a wedge that drove us apart. Yeah.

And then I was like, we were breaking up and then she hooked up with him. Then I would be pretty fucked. But if it's like, if it sounds like this relationship came to a natural end and it was fine. Right. So, so I think it's okay. But then like, what's the amount of time that will like actually, if the other person found out wouldn't feel that mad, like you're always going to be mad or

like no amount of time, it always just has to happen. It just like, but it's, it's like, oh, he only waited three days. Oh, he only waited a week. Oh, he couldn't wait a month. Oh, he couldn't wait two months. It's only been three months. It doesn't matter. It's, but it's always going to feel weird.

So you might as well, like not overthink that part of it. Right. Uh, all right. Ooh, a question from a lady. Mm hmm. Do you have a lady's name? Delange, Delanga. All right.

Uh, Delanga, right. I am a lady emailing you about a problem with a guy. I am quote exclusively dating background. I met this guy on Tinder. He turned out to not be a murderer. We get along great. We've been dating for two months now, though I was abroad for three weeks of that. And we sexed often a couple of weeks ago.

I had real life, real good sex with him. Now we don't text us now. We don't text as much, but he'll still sexed me a lot. Also, he stopped taking me on dates, though before they were very impromptu and involved around food. Now when we hang out, we end up in his bedroom hooking up and watching Netflix. Don't get me wrong, hooking up is great. And he's not always the instigator, but I just, I don't just want to bang this guy.

I honestly feel like that he really likes me, but he's making me feel like a fuck buddy. So much so that yesterday I texted him saying, hey, take me on a real date. I'm not your fuck buddy. And he thought I was joking. The crux of the issue is how do I make him treat me like a soon to be GF and not a fuck buddy without looking like a crazy bitch? Give me advice, please. Thanks.

De-lang-vo? De-lang-ga. De-lang-gov. Ah, that's really hard. That's a really hard question. Here's what I think. Okay. I think early on, guys sort of choose one way or another with ladies.

Are they courting or are they fucking? Yeah. I think some guys are like, oh, I don't necessarily want to date this lady in a traditional way. I'd rather just bone them. Right. And then sometimes they're like, oh, I want to really treat this lady like a GF and not like an FB, less, more formal, less cash.

Right. Unless you're young and then you just want to bone anybody, it doesn't matter. Yeah. And it does have, that happens both ways. But the fact that he is trending you towards fuck buddy makes me think that he just wants you as that. It is no bueno. I will say that too, they've been together for, they've been doing this for two

months and they did go on lots of dates that it revolved around food. There's a chance that he is just moving faster towards relationship than you are. Like, because going over and hanging out in bed, watching movies and fucking sounds like, oh, that's like a year or two. Yeah, they've been together for a year. Right. Oh, so maybe he's like, maybe he's accidentally sped up the courtship process. Right.

He's so far ahead of the game instead of behind. But if you specifically ask them, hey, take me on a real date and he still doesn't do it. Right. I would say that text was a little aggressive. Yeah. So maybe there's a more positive way to say like, hey, or, you know, you say, I want to take you on a date, like invite him on, you create a date. You don't have to say, I demand to be taken on a date.

I'm not just your fuck buddy. Right. Like show him with your actions that you're not a fuck buddy. Like if he says, come over my house tonight, you say, not tonight, but tomorrow, let's get dinner. And then he'll say, I'm okay with the dinner. I'd really just like to have sex with you. I think to me, you are a buddy.

To me, you are a buddy. You're a buddy of fuck. You're a, you're a buddy fucker. You're a pal fuck. You're a friendship fuck fest, a sex friend, if you will. So do you think it's too late for her? I don't think it's too late, but I think that there needs to be. I don't even, I'm not even sure there needs to be a discussion.

I do think that something needs to change if this is the way you feel. And I think, I do truly think you can be the instigator. You do not have to wait around for him to treat you the way that you want to be treated. You suggest and make moves towards him treating you. Yeah. And then if the dates are fun, he'll want to start planning them. Right. Or you'll plan the next 10 dates and then you'll be like,

Hey, what's going on here? I'm the only one planning dates. Yeah. I mean, if he keeps on, I think, I think what the move to do is, rather than getting mad and like, and asking for what you want, you sort of do what you want. And if he's not on board, if he's not like embracing it, then you're like, then you talk to me like, Hey, I'm trying to like inject some,

some romance into this thing. And you kind of just want to watch TV and pork. And then he's like, well, I'm sorry. That's what I, that's what I wanted. It's relationship. Then you say, all right, brother, peace out. What if he's like, I'll go on dates with you, but every half hour I'm lying on the ground. I'm planking.

I'm planking face up and you better ride me. You better ride my dick. I will, I think then. And then you're like, all right, well, let's go to TGF Fridays. Okay. I will do that. I will go to TGF Fridays. Just know 30 minutes on the dot.

I will make my body stiff. So stiff that I will slide out of my chair. So then you let him do that. I will end up under the table. Or on top of the table. Or on top of the apps. I will be on top of a, on top of a potato skin basket on top of a jalapeno popper. With a medium dick because it's not going to get fully art unless you, unless you ride me.

And then when he does that, you just take, uh, you add it to your snap story and save the snap as well. And you can circulate that video around online. So shame him in the way that he deserves. We might be getting ahead of ourselves, but, but it would be an option case. Do you ever answer one more question? Wow. I say let's do it because, because this has been a long episode of us, uh, mentioning podcasts.

You guys deserve it. You guys have earned it. But let's, before we do that, just mention one more time. Take it all head gum.com. Listen to all our podcasts, please. Yes. If you guys leave this podcast wanting more, wanting more entertainment, uh, from not only ourselves, but from, uh, our friends and our, our loved ones and our, and our, and my mother.

Highly my mother at gum.com. Enjoy. Third question from a dude. We'll call him rise. Together we rise. I just graduated from college in the spring and I've been working full time for about two months now. I work for a startup in Philadelphia and I genuinely like it.

The people are great. The work keeps me busy without being overbearing and everyone for the most part has a real work hard, play hard mentality, which as a 22 year old recent grad is exactly what I'm looking for. But here's the problem. Another guy my age was also hired to a very similar position as I. So we're basically doing the same thing. It makes it a little competitive, but in a good way as it's friendly and he pushes us both a little harder.

However, this guy really believes in the work hard, play hard mentality as he's been going to the bathroom several times a day to do a little bit of the quote white girl. Obviously I'm a little uncomfortable by this, but it's kind of hard to ask him to stop doing. Here's the thing. The bathroom visits seem to be working because his sales have been through the roof since he started doing them. To the point that if he keeps it up, I could start making my performance look bad. So here's my question.

How do I handle this situation? Do I tell him he needs to stop in the friendliest way possible? Do I go to my boss and tell him what's going on? If someone is really crushing it at work with the aid of something illegal, is that a moral no-no? I really like this guy too, so I don't want him fired, but it's going to be harder and harder to keep this thing under wraps if it goes on. Please help, love. Rise.

Rise. That is a real problem. It's funny. When I first read this question the first time, when he said he's going to the bathroom to do a little bit of the white girl, I thought he meant masturbating. Hmm. Yeah. That shows how cool you are.

Turns out he means cocaine. Yeah. He is going to the bathroom, work buddy slash competitor is going to the bathroom, snort at cocaine and kicking out at his job. And this guy's like, huh, what do I do now? Right. This is a tough situation. Tell the boss and he's like, oh, that's, what a bad news.

I don't know if we should say or do anything. Because his numbers are really, really good. Yeah. I'm like, I have a hard time buying, you know what you're selling here. I really think he might be okay. Well, here's like the different ways to go back and forth. It's like on the surface, tell on him, he's doing something bad. And then it's like, all right, let's go a little deeper.

You know what? He's not necessarily hurting anyone. He's doing a good job at work. You don't want to be a tattletale. And then you go even deeper than that. This guy's developing a drug problem. Yeah. I have to help him.

I have to, I have to help him on a moral level for he's doing a pretty hard drug several times a day at work. I think that's where I end up too. You can't do cocaine at work. I think like this problem would likely sort itself out eventually because I maybe like for a while, the cocaine is going to give him like. Yeah. Yeah.

Like, all right, we're going to sell stuff. And then, but like pretty soon, and this does happen with cocaine, you're going to be like, yeah, I need more cocaine. Yeah. All right. All right. More cocaine. Where's the rest of the cocaine? Like, what do you want to do for lunch?

You don't stay productive on it. You just want more of it. Yeah. You become dependent on the cocaine and then you'll just want to do cocaine all the time. You won't, you won't really think about sales. It is funny to imagine him hyped up on cocaine, microwaving like a lean cuisine lasagna by the, by the microwave

or doing something really mundane at work. Right. Like watching, like trying to fix the coffee machine or banging on a microwave. Like picking up stuff from the printer, but it's not all yours. Yeah. Somebody else printed like a return label from Zappos. Yeah.

Is this yours? How do I get these to collate? Seriously, this five in one office workstation, I really can never get it to fax or scan. I think I'm disconnected from the printer. What's the router? What's the router? It's the IP.

What's the Wi-Fi because I keep getting disconnected. Is it connected to the ethernet? My outlook calendar is in sickening up with my phone. It's starting to crash. Oh my God. Has anybody seen my favorite log? Woo. Woo.

Every time I, every time I try to heat liquid up in the microwave, it kind of splatters everywhere. Woo. But I can't really wrap it in paper towel because that gets really wet. Woo. Yeah. Does anybody want to get in on the seamless order? He's by himself in the office.

Sunday night. So I think since two of those flip flops angle towards you helping this guy, you should, but do you do it to his face or do you tell on him? Do you want to be a real man? I think you go to him. You say, hey, you're like, you're doing cocaine at work. It's clearly not okay. Do you want to change?

Do you want to do something? Because otherwise better for this. Yeah. You have to, you've got to, something has to happen. It's not acceptable. Yeah. Or if you want to be like a fucking gentleman, a true man, look your boss straight in the eye and you say,

I'm here to tattle a tail and it's not going to be good. But I'm, I'm coming to you like I'm a young adult. I'm a 22 year old man now. I'm out of college. I have to take care of my own business. Sir, I'd like to tattle on my friend. I would like to sit here, stare you in the eyes and say, start. I have a tattle.

Tattles aren't for drugs. You can't tattle on a drug. Weed, maybe. Yeah. But if someone has a drug, like a legit problem, it's not called tattling. It's called helping. So what do it help to go straight to him?

I think the move is to go straight to him because it gives him a chance to come out ahead of it. Yeah. And then if it doesn't, then it's like, huh, but it's, you got to really be, you got to really not care about confrontation to go straight to a guy about something like this. I know. If you can do it, if you can do it, more power to you. I don't think I could do it, but I think that's the right thing to do.

Yeah. So if I were you, I wouldn't do it because I'm a wiener head, but I think you should do it. But you know what? I'm never going to work in sales. That's not really my issue, is it? Mercy. Do you have to dial nine to get out? All right.

That's it. That's it. That's our time. Fortunately, you now have many other podcasts to enjoy as part of the Head Gum Network. Thank you guys so much for listening. If you have your own questions, your own emails, your own theme song submissions, send them all to If I Were You Show at gmail.com. The opening one was written by Justin Kosiski.

And this closing is by one of our favorite ladies, Ali and Lisette, who have done a bunch for us. And this is an am I wrong cover? Oh yeah. So one last time, this is Jake and Amir for If I Were You and the Head Gum Network. We're saying goodbye. I'm never giving us advice on your enjoy. Never worshipping your words and all this time.

We're trying to do it. Everybody else do it. Just because everybody doing what they all do. If one thing I know, how else is I go? You'll swipe your lips, you'll swipe your eyes, it doesn't even know. Those who choose to hashtag go, always do what they advise. Drake's a bitch and Amir's a bro. Listen to their podcast show.