If I Were You - 167: Secrets

Episode Date: August 10, 2015

In this episode we discuss privacy, virginity, and our pilot!This episode is brought to you by BlueApron, BetaBrand, and Squarespace.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. This is a headgum podcast. That was Mark and Marie. Very entrancing. A brother and sister duo. And they hook up? They don't actually hook up. I was so confused for a second.

Now I'm confused for a second. Why did you think that they hooked up? I guess I just thought I heard you say... I did. What did you think you heard me say? A brother and sister duo. Yeah, I did say that. Couple or something.

It was so hot or weird, I mean. What? For a second to me. For what? I thought for a second that they hooked up and I was like, that made me uncomfortable and not hard. It's funny because when I read this email, I assumed that this brother and sister were fucking each other.

So I said, I respond. I said, thanks so much for your song. Weird question for you. Do you guys fuck each other? And they responded what? They're like, LOL. We don't fuck, but we do hook up. Really?

So I guess... They don't go all the way. Yeah. It's not incest if you don't go all the way. What a weird bumper sticker. Your honor. And then you find out that it is. It's a weird shirt to have.

That awkward moment when you realize... You find out it is incest even if you don't go all the way. That awkward moment, Hen. Thank you, Mark and Marie. Mark and Marie from New Jersey. Hell, say, can you see by the dawn's early light. Come on. The whole country's national light has a weird slam foam.

What? So proudly we hail by the dawn's early... At the twilight's... Oh, shit. What is it? At the twilight's last gleaming. Glee mean. Whose broad stripes and bright stars.

Whose broad stripes and bright starly. Here's something interesting I noticed. And correct me if I'm wrong. But I think that Mission Impossible Rogue Nation's improbable feat is consistency. Excuse me? I think that the fifth movie in a long running franchise opened this weekend. And it did what most mission movies do. It opened a solid opening and it stuck the landing.

Are you just reading Deadline.com? What are you talking about? I really do think that in box office terms... You look at me right up until you start to... The first installment directed by Brian De Palma took in an inflation-adjusted 68 million dollars. And who is Brian De Palma? Click his name because I'm sure it's a hyperlink wherever you are. Fuck that noise, dude.

You're trying to have a conversation with you and you keep turning it back. You're not having a conversation because it's very one-sided. You clearly have an opinion and an agenda and you're just going to read it. Because right now I'm sort of throwing you off. Do you think that the 2011 pick ghost protocol directed by Brad Byrd was a harder to gauge? What is going on with you right now? I'm thinking. I'm just talking about whatever. You're not making a conversation. You're steamrolling me.

Thanks to Tom Cruise for writing that song. This is, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me. And me. I'm Amir. And I'm me. We had such a busy week. This week was such a busy week for me. Do you remember everything we did?

Yeah. Well, mostly we shot our television show. We should say that we shot the first episode of it. The pilot. The pilot. And it might be the only episode ever. Yeah. So when we wrapped, we're like, Oh, this was great. I hope we get to do it again. Or there's a chance that we'll never do it again. It felt like going, I guess I never went to summer camp.

Right. The idea is like, we went through this amazing bonding experience where we like made something with a bunch of people who worked super hard. Yeah. Really like fall in friendship love with all of them. Right. Everyone said, yeah. And then like the last day I can't be like, I'm going to miss you so much. I'll see you next summer.

Right. But we have to say like, I'm going to miss you so much. I hope one day I see you again. Yeah. That'll mean that we get to keep on making this or this friendship will have meant nothing. Yeah. So so long and or maybe goodbye. Right. We, it was a Monday through Friday schedule, roughly 13 hours a day, little time for anything

else. Right. Just emails piling up. Waking up early. There were days I didn't even refresh your Instagram. No. Yeah. Don't say that.

It really like, and it didn't even weigh on me. Like I would come home and I would be like, oh, I didn't even look at this today. Wow. It was kind of cool. Like doing this thing because we were just like, oh, this is what normal work hours are. Right. That's true. Comedians don't operate from 7am to 8pm every day usually.

It was fulfilling and exhausting. Yeah. I don't think that like normal jobs usually feel like that. That was like a dream come true. Right. It was like a fantasy week. I said, I told somebody that like, it was like we won or paid for a experience where it's like, you get to write a script and then we get a real crew to make it for you.

And at the end of the week, we give you a DVD of your show and it just cost $8,000, but it's worth it because you get to act like a real Hollywood guy for a week. Yeah. We got to like sit in a director's chair with headphones on. Right. Do you like more when you were in a scene and acting or did you like more when there was a scene with other people in it and you get to watch and give notes? Oh, I think I, man, it's really hard to choose.

They're both great. I really, I did love watching and giving notes. Yeah. It's more relaxing. I like even more when I, when you don't have to give notes because you're just like watching and you're just like super proud of what's happening. And it's like, we all wrote these words weeks ago and we had no, I mean, there were some lines that, cause we had the best cast you could possibly imagine.

And there are lines that like, I didn't even realize were jokes when we were writing them. Right. Everybody in the show is so funny that they become funny lines. They bring them to life. Even like the exposition lines are funny. Yeah. So now what? Now we, we have to put the, all this footage together, not, not even us.

We have an editor and a director and other producers who will help us piece it together. And then eventually we'll show it to true TV and they'll ultimately make a decision. And that's, we're going to beg you guys to bring back that old, uh, yeah, that little hashtag that we did. We really, that, that, but we won't not, don't pull the trigger yet. Easy, easy. Just this is, if this is a slingshot where we've loaded the pebble and over the next couple of weeks we're going to slowly, slowly pull back the band and then it will tell you

when all of that pent up energy is ready, we'll release it and we'll have, it'll be, it'll be a shot. Yeah. It will be a shot. But so you get ready, load the slingshot and I really think it should actually be a slingshot. Yeah. Yeah.

Ideally we'll just slingshot, uh, people until they decide to greenlight our show. Idea. We'll threaten them. Yeah. Bart Simpson style. Bart Simpson style. Dennis the menace them. While this was happening, uh, our podcast network launched the same exact day.

Yeah. We, we didn't spread the wealth very well. No. We were like dealing with the first day of our pilot shooting, which was like a very exciting moment while also dealing with the first day of head gum.com launching. So if you guys don't know what head gum is, it's this podcast network that we launched for our friends and family. So we're just now part of a giant network.

A giant. Don't, we're not, we're not a conglomerate yet. No. We're just, we're a mom and pop shop of podcasts, just 10 podcasts. This is not, you can, you can dive right in and listen to all 10. And some of you have. We're getting reviews. We, people, our fans should actually weigh in on who we help launch podcasts for.

Oh. So like people who, um, don't necessarily have a podcast or people who do have a podcast but not a network. I guess both. But like for instance, I feel like fans of ours would have and could have suggested like get Dave Rosenberg a podcast, right? We did. They have Mike and Jeff have to innovation or maybe they would say, Hey, we like your

mama's pot. You, we like your mama have her launch a podcast, which we did. So like who else is there? Like we took, we took Josh Rubens, we got Streeter. We got. Yeah. Who else? Who else is out there, uh, either one who doesn't have a podcast that you think would

belong in our network list or a podcast less or network less. Um, oh yeah. Or who do have a podcast but not a network, a home, uh, that you think would belong well on head gum. You guys probably know the podcast universe more than we do. We know who you want to listen to. We can make it happen. We, and yeah, we can literally get anybody.

That's the exciting part. Yeah. So actually Damon would have a pretty nice podcast. Matt Damon. Right. Do you think he would ever, um, like, uh, sort of, uh, miss schedule his podcast so it didn't come out? Oh, like he, he like scheduled it and it released it like eight hours too early and

then he had to take it down, but iTunes already caught it. Yeah. So like some people are trying to download it. So he has like trying to contact iTunes, but like there's nobody he can contact there. It's sort of just like a feed that you upload. Yeah. I don't think so. Do you think Damon had, uh, like a podcast guest lined up and he like set up the equipment

but then like at the last minute that the guest canceled on them. Oh, like Affleck was like, Hey, I actually can't be a podcast today. Yeah. He was like unplugged all of his hikes and stuff and he like already had like poured a glass of water for him. Yeah. So he drinks it himself, but it's too much, too much water. So yes.

Yeah. He has like a watery burp. We should say thank you to iTunes actually iTunes really helped us out last week. They like gave us our own, uh, announcement on the front page of the iTunes podcast listing page and they helped get up, uh, all those podcasts onto iTunes and onto the same network. So if you guys are on iTunes, you can check, you can easily check out head gum by searching head gum in the, uh, upper right hand corner for real. And I got to just recommend to innovation episode two right now.

Yeah. I listened to it. Uh, I was just in Santa Barbara for anybody who gives a fuck. I guess Amir doesn't, but I knew that I was driving back and I listened to episode two and, uh, ever Dave really brings a gym. A gym of a bad idea. He always brings a gym. Uh, yeah, this is exciting.

The first week was like everybody's first podcast. Now this week is like, all right, now people are starting to get into the swing of things episode two of most people and to innovations already released theirs early. And so did black men can't jump. They released, there's actually two episodes in their first week. And speaking of iTunes, I should say two more things. You can also go to itunes.com slash head gum. They made us that URL, which will send you right to the iTunes page, which is awesome.

Uh, and if you like a podcast on head gums network, it really, really helps to, uh, subscribe to it, uh, and to leave a positive review because, uh, the way iTunes algorithms work is that they really weight those heavily and, uh, we had like at one point, like four podcasts in the top 25 of comedy, uh, and it's all thanks to like reviews and subscriptions and the newnesses of the show. And then that, that led to people discovering the shows and discovering head gum and it's all just a positive feedback loop. So thanks to iTunes and thanks to you guys for doing all that stuff.

Another idea I had is to just play a clip from that high and mighty episode, uh, at the end of this show. So if you haven't heard us on John Gabriel's show, you can just keep listening to the end of this program and we'll put in like a little two minute clip of us talking on that show. That's a good idea. Just to whet your appetite. We're good at marketing. A teaser.

Well, that was my brother's idea. He's good at marketing. Yeah. Was that your brother who is, uh, the designer or the doctor? You know, it was the designer brother. I would imagine it was. Yeah. It was the one who works in the startup universe that knew how to, uh, to market that, uh, not

the gynecologist who can save babies lives, which I guess is also important in a slightly different way. Yeah. Uh, but this, at this very moment, this is an advice podcast. Uh, so I'm going to be start, I'm going to read some real questions from real people who will, who have emailed us to a fiery show at gmail.com seeking our guidance, uh, for whatever reason. Uh, so do you have a fake name?

I want to preserve this ladies anonymity. Oh, hey ladies. Let's name them people on our head come network. Okay. Danielle. Okay. Danielle. Right.

Couple of questions. Right. She doesn't actually write. This is, yeah, this is somebody else. That's not her. Yeah. She is a real person. Of course.

This comes from somebody who's not her. Uh, I get it. And that person writes, I'll get right down to it. I'm a 20 years old and in my first sexual relationship, I never felt very interested in dating before because I mostly feel that the guys who always hit on me are either sleazy or just annoying. I'm still in college and fell head over heels for my boyfriend who I've been seeing now for a while.

My boyfriend has also never had sex with anyone else either. He's a dime and a nerd. So as it turns out, we're pretty bad at sex. How is that fair without getting too graphic and grossing you both out? It's a bit uncomfortable for me being a virgin and all. However, my hymen wouldn't even have a chance to break because my boyfriend is finishing in just seconds. We've had sex a few times now and he's not getting any better.

You guys have made jokes about this stuff before and I honestly think it's pretty funny except I kinda want to have some good sex with him sometime. That would be cool. He's very embarrassed every time he comes and he doesn't think it's funny. I don't know what to do. I'm worried that this is going to affect his confidence in our relationship. Do you guys have any tips for this? Is there something that I could be doing differently in bed to make his experience last longer

and still make him feel manly and such? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Love the show, Danielle. Lot of thoughts. Lot of thoughts on this. What strikes you initially? Sex is hard at first and in general and at first. It's like a sport.

It's like, oh, I took two tennis lessons and I'm not very good yet. Yeah, I would say sex is almost more complicated than tennis. This guy is seeing maybe touching a vagina for the first time. Super excited, super into it, prematurely ejaculating it seems. This girl is like, how long is it going to take? What's going to happen? I fear it takes more than just two or three times to become good at sex. What did you think first?

I think obviously, I agree, practice makes perfect. Good communication is always important. If your sex life isn't really great, you guys have to just talk about it and see what would make you both feel great. A couple little things to make him feel confident. Just like, keep on having more sex, he'll last longer, but try to find a way that he can get you off without using his dick like fingering you or going down on you because then he will feel confident making you come.

What about calling him names? Like, oh, you like that? You little pussy? Oh, yeah. You little limp dick loser. You little pussy? Yeah. Look at this little wiener in a blanket.

You grab his little cock in your fist and you say, look at this little wiener in a blanket. Sally come too quickly. What? Sally come too quickly. What'd you say? Sally come quickly. That's the thing, right? Sally come quickly?

Is it? Sally come quickly? I don't get it. But like, he comes too quickly? I've never heard of that. Oh, so you say, you call him that? Sally come too quickly. Too quickly.

Yeah. I was saying, did you hear when I said you squeeze his little wiener dick and you say, what is this little pig in a blanket? Oh, that's good. A little wiener in a blanket? Yeah. You like make fun of his little dick. Well, no one said it was little.

He actually has a huge dick. You can make fun of that too. It's actually, yeah. Your dick's too big. So is this worth bringing up? Is this worth talking about? Oh, it's Sally come lately. Oh.

That's what it is. Yeah. So don't say Sally come too quickly. I fear that he won't get that joke. It'll still sting. It'll still get it. It almost doesn't really matter. You think he feels shame, embarrassed?

Definitely. Yeah. Because like, first of all, when you're in your first sexual relationship, no, it's always important. I just think that like the longer you spend in sexual relationships and different ones, you sort of learn that there's like a curve. And I mean, I remember when I first stopped using condoms because like a girlfriend was on birth control and I lasted like so much shorter than I usually did.

And for, you know, a while it was like hard for me to have like for us to have like a fully satisfying sex session for us. But were you a one pump chump? It wasn't one pump, but it was like, were you a three pump chump? It was more than three pumps, but it was four pumps. I would come first and I was, you know, you're all the, the gold standard is to come at the same time. That's what you want.

That's a great, that's a great get. And like that's, and usually I, I pride myself on being pretty good at it. Oh, so you just basically time it to them? Yeah. I mean, well, I personally, I, mom, if you're listening, share this with dad. I know you guys are in Nantucket. So if you guys can actually huddle around the fireplace, you could turn up an old timey radio.

Listen to this on the way to the beach today. Yeah. I actually get off by other people getting on. Oh. So when people come, it really makes me come. It, it's, yeah, it's almost like it's, it's cause the, the, the physical feeling of, of the ins and the outs is relatively unchanged. Right.

But like you can, when you feel that energy of like this person's about to come and like it gets me, cause I'm going to come too and right. So, but, and you know, then the problem is like, sometimes when somebody is close, you get really excited and you're like, Oh, I'm, I'm coming. And they're like, well, I know. And I know. Not yet. Oh my God.

Not yet. And I found that is the worst. A little too much. Yeah. Got it. Yeah. Not yet. If anybody, if I have sex with anybody listening to this podcast right now, if you really want

to make me fucking come say don't come yet, it's, it's, I've never, that has only happened after that the ejaculation has happened. Like not yet. Not yet. I'm like, yeah. All right. I'll try to hold it in a little more. Oh dear.

Not yet. Like, oh, I can, as soon as you said, as soon as you started that sentence, I knew what you were going to say. Do you ever, uh, like, uh, delay the, uh, like announcement of it's like you, you already feel it like it's starting and you're like, all right, I'm close. I'm close. And then it's like, all right now, it's like you bought yourself a few more seconds instead of saying like, I'm, so you're like, so you're saying, I'm coming like as, right?

Like, like literally towards the end, no, I always pre-announce it because, because I want to, just in case I hear it not yet, I have to like, you know, like, I'm coming and then they say, no, don't or something. Oh, that's even better. Yeah. And then you're like, okay, I, yeah, I can, I can chill in, I can chill in it. But if I like really go to the edge and I'm like, I'm coming and they're like, don't, and then of course I do, then my orgasm is ruined because it's just, it's, it's euphoria

and guilt. All in one amazing cocktail, which is, yeah, that's my entire life, I think, euphoria and guilt. The name of your autobiography doesn't manifest itself in other parts of the relationship like bad sex, we have dinners, yeah, because you don't, if you feel like he feels limp, he feels like a piece of shit, he can't make his girlfriend happy, right? I mean, that's what is going on in his head. I know people are like, you make me happy in a million ways and sex is one of them.

But like, when you're in that situation, you're like, I can't make you come, I can't make you laugh, I can't afford to pay for dinner, I, you, why are you even with me? That's what's in his head. It seems like the bit of advice here that might be good is like to, he should try to get her as close as possible to the orgasm. And then put his dick in. Yeah. But I think you do, he has to have, he has to practice and I don't want to say, well,

I'll just say what I'm thinking and I don't know if it's entirely right, but I would just try to fuck him like three or four times in a row. Oh yeah. Like it sounds like you could both handle it because the first session is really short. Yeah. You treat the first one like exhibition basketball, like it's a preseason game, a warm-up. Like you just like jerk him off till he comes and then you're like, all right. Oh, now that's the new basis.

You've got, and then you're like, hey, go down on me until you get hard again and then come back. You know? That seems like a plan right there. That's the plan of action. So you tell your boyfriend that Jake Hurwitz told you to jerk him off till he came and then now he has to go down on you until he gets hard again and then he can have sex. I feel like that's the perfect plan because it like gives a timer to how long he goes

down on her, which would, it's just great for her. And then he has just, you know, finished ejaculate it so he can't even, he couldn't even come again if he wanted to. It's the ocean's 11th of not coming too early. They do this. It's a perfect scheme. Yeah. They're going to do this look up and notice that the painting above their wall is just

missing. I propped them. You've heisted them. You gave them the perfect plan and it was all part of your elaborate Thomas Crown affair ruse to steal a poster that says you missed 99% of the shots you don't make. It doesn't even make sense. Why get that poster? All right.

Let's take one break and we'll be right back with more questions after this. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule.

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That's betterhelp.com slash if I were you. Check them out. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to

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Squarespace. And this is our first podcast episode where we're both in our 30s. Yeah. Yeah, you're officially a 30 year old. What's the fucking point? You're over the hill and under delivered over the hill under the weather. Yeah. Over the moon.

You are under arrest. It's also do you feel older? I guess. What about your declining eyesight? Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's a very specific moment tied to your age. That's right.

For sure. You're going to have to get glasses. Yeah. You loser. You're a torcus. You're basically blind and legally blind. Fuck me. Yeah.

What are you going to do? Well, how do you handle that? I really grappled with it. I wrestled with it. There was I didn't want to get glasses and then I like I was driving back from the airport one night and I literally just couldn't see any signs like nothing. I couldn't see. I can't see what I'm driving.

You know, you'll do you'll like you'll start like dab like putting your foot like in the water. You're like, oh, I'll only wear it at night. Oh, I'll only wear the glasses when I'm driving. I won't wear them all the time. Yeah. I'm saying that. I guess I probably know that means I will.

Right. But like, but that's how it starts. Right. You dabble. And that's what I have to do. I got so so it started. I was like noticing it going a little bit like couldn't see at night that well. But then driving back from the airport.

I couldn't see anything. And then at one point I like lost the lane of the highway. Well that seems like more than just a vision blurriness. Yeah. I mean, maybe I was tired, but like and it was sort of a confusing spot like, you know, the lane is closed, whatever. But like I should have been able to see where the lines were. Right.

I could not. Right. And it was so it's like, okay. It was sort of like a borderline dangerous, I guess. And then also when we were writing the show, we write on like a television screen with a lot and it like one presents a laptop and we're all like, all right, you couldn't read the script. Couldn't read the script.

So I needed, so then I got, I went to, uh, I went to, um, what was it? Lens crafters. Oh yeah. And, uh, you got an eye exam, an eye exam. Your prescription. Yeah. It was negative. Negative one minus a hundred minus 75.

Okay. It's a whole world you don't have to deal with and then you just do. No one in your family has glasses, right? No, I'll be the only, be the only kid in my family that has glasses that gets glasses. That's crazy. Eight of you, not one with glasses. My parents have like reading glasses, but right, but they have perfect distance vision. Yeah.

Holy shit. So what are you going to do? So I went to, I wish it sponsored this episode by Morgan Parker because I did use their service. I used the home try on. Oh shit. We should contact them quick. Fuck. Uh, and I have five pairs of glasses.

Did I show you them? Yeah. I did. And, uh, I chose one and I'm going to go to this store tomorrow and get them. And I'm going to have glasses. You're going to have glasses. What a loser. What next?

I'm going to have, I don't know, what's a distinguished in characteristic of you. Um, perfect shoulders. You think that's what people say behind your back? Everyone's always talking shit about how broad my shoulders are. Uh, did you have any quarter life crisis with the 30? No, I really like, I kind of lost my shit when I was 25 and then I like, I developed a much more, uh, Zen outlook about aging. I guess it helps to have an exciting moment in your life happen at age 30.

Yeah. Man, like, I think it felt really good to be like 30 years old shooting the pilot. It was my, I mean, it was my birthday on set. Yeah. It was like really, really fun. So surrounded by a whole new crop of friends. Yeah. I think, I guess maybe like turning point birthdays, like, uh, like a 30 year old one.

Like, you know, I might have found myself a little bummed if nothing was happening. If we were like still waiting to hear about the pilot or if we were like, you know, just I don't know. Whatever we're doing, if I was bored, it would have been a little sad, right? But I feel like this week we made like 50 new friends and everybody's saying me happy birthday. So I could not have been bummed about it. You were kind of upset that the cake wasn't to your liking.

Oh yeah. I did. We got the two cakes. Yeah. Um, one was, I thought it was super, which is, yeah, no, it was nice. I thought it was really nice. It was a good, well, I don't even want to say it was a nice gesture because it was a nice gesture.

They would have gotten the right cake. Do you know what I mean? They got you two cakes and one, but one of them had a photo of us on it, which I thought was really, really nice. Uh, yeah. And then your mom sent you a cake. It was just a bullshit. Yeah.

It was a bullshit birthday. My mom sent me a cake. No, it was not a bullshit. I'm not, yeah. I'm just saying it was a bullshit. And then your mom went out of the way to design a cake, uh, that looked like a box of Annie's macaroni and cheese because she knew that was your favorite food. And she found out where the production office was and she sent it to us.

Yeah. And that was a cake that fed the entire crew for actually, uh, two days, three days they had it. So why, why do you think that's a bullshit gesture? It's a bullshit birthday. It wasn't, it was just like people saying, how many times do they sing to me? They sing twice to you. They sing happy birthday twice to you.

Yeah. And it's just like, it's my, I don't understand. Maybe, maybe they turn 30 a lot, but I actually only got to do it once. What the fuck are you talking about? You thought like two wasn't enough. So I got, well, you got two cakes. How many people work on that set? And I got, I got two cakes, zero presents.

Well, a couple of people got me gifts, but not like, not like, what's the difference? You didn't get a gift in a present. I got, actually, true TV sent me a care package for my birthday that had. That's so nice. And yeah. Oh my gosh. They went above and beyond. I would say.

But it didn't even like, that's so thoughtful. But I'm saying I could have had money. I know. I know. I know what you're saying. But you're saying, but, but it's not, but I would have, I honestly didn't even need anybody to sing me happy birthday or give me a cake. If they'd given me the money that they bought the cake with, if my mom had sent me money

or I can't believe everyone else that had given me money, I'm going to put this in the episode. People are going to hear you edit this part out, bitch. So you, so you are ashamed. Of course I'm fucking embarrassed. I'm being a petulant little brat. I'm afraid this will come off as me being petty. Really complaining about two cakes.

Shit. Venmo requested my father for $2,000 and he, he, he accepted. So. And I hit him back with another two K fee. This is the acceptance fee, daddy. The right punch, left punch, the one, two hook, anything else? Good birthday. Good week.

Crazy adventures. Yeah. Two cakes. Three gifts. Not enough cash. And then a party this weekend. Yeah. We had, and then we had a party for you.

We had a pilot rap party, head gum launch party, birthday party and a housewarming party. Was that good for you too? I deserved more. I guess we had a, over a hundred of our friends here with, with a hot dog, a hot dog cart and a bar. Yeah. But oh, we played beer pong against Rick Fox. Yeah.

We loved. That was the highlight of my fucking life. Thanks. You beat us. Yeah. I had a real, real rough game of it. You had a tough go. I really did.

No. You know why? Because I was nervous. Because you didn't have your glasses. Interesting theory. Would you ever get LASIK? I'll definitely get LASIK. You know, with LASIK, they numb your eyes and they slice it open while you're still

fully awake. Yeah. You're okay with that? I actually heard that it hurts. Yeah. That's interesting. That seems not right. I basically just used eye drops for the first time this week on set because my eyes were

a little bit dry and somebody had eye drops and I didn't even put them in my own eyes and I was just like, my, somebody else put drops in my eyes and I was like so terrified as like the drop was entering my eye. I'm like, there's no way I can ever have LASIK where you have to keep your eyes open while a laser slices them. They like peel your eye. They clockwork orange you for it. Yeah.

Of course, your eyelids open, moisten it with drops and then slice open the fucking corneas. Moisten it with drops. Sounds like the part that you're the most afraid of. Can you imagine these drops that moisten and numb the eye? They slice open the top layer, flap it open like the bottoms of an old-timey pajama pants suit. Then they use a laser to fucking reshape the back of your eye. How often does somebody go blind from it?

Not that like one in five, one in 10. Like does it? It must happen though, right? Yeah, I mean, I'm sure there is a risk when you slice open your eye and shoot lasers in it. Like that seems pretty crazy. But I guess it's worth it not to wear glasses. But even if I had perfect vision, I would need to wear glasses.

Right, well at this point. Yeah, glasses are like my shield, I feel. But see, I don't like shit, I don't like stuff, I don't like having extra things. Right, you don't like having to deal with glasses. The idea of having a pair of glasses and a glasses case and a little like tissue that I used to clean the glasses is like already stressing me out a little bit. And then contacts even worse. That's why like, yeah, you would, everybody's like, oh, you'll get contacts, right?

Because like I don't, I would, you know, it doesn't just, I don't want to look, I don't want to wear glasses. Right. But like contacts are so much worse for the kind of person I am. It means you have to have more stuff. More like fucking saline solution. Yeah. Little.

The circle, the little binocular circles that say L and R. And then like every single day you're like waking up with a ritual that you have to do of like sticking it in your eye. And then sometimes it like gets, it rolls up into your head or rolls down and it gets caught. The lens does get caught. I won't do that. You think Damon never has trouble with his contacts?

Like it falls out and does have perfect vision? Piece of shit. I think Damon wears glasses. I really do. Maybe reading glasses. All right. Let's get to another question. Hmm.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. We need a Canadian mail name or just a mail name and just know that he's from Canada. Okay. Let's do Kevin Porter of the Gilmore Guys.

Kevin Porter. Not really Kevin Porter but eight. Let's just call this person Kevin Porter writes, Hey guys, writing from Canada. And I really love this show. Can't wait to see you guys in Toronto. we are going to Toronto in October, check it out. I'll keep it short, there's this girl I've been talking to recently and we're getting close to hooking up.

The only problem is, she's a girl in my group of friends and I don't want anyone to find out we hooked up. Is there any chance that me and this girl can hook up without any of my or her friends knowing? The reason I can't just ask her to keep it quiet is because she thinks we're gonna start dating soon, but I just want to fuck her a few times. But if I ask her to be friends with benefits, I'll never get with her, so what should I do to help?

Thanks, Love Kevin Porter. I guess I hope this guy doesn't get laid. The reason I don't ask her is because I'm trying to deceive and or trick her into sleeping with me and I don't want any of my friends to find out. Is there any way they will considering that she wants to date me? Yeah, do you think once I ruin this girl for a little bit of time she'll do me the solid of not telling any of my or her friends that I've deceived her? Let's start with the first rule is that everyone always tells someone.

There are no abject secrets. That's a good quote. I would say 90% of the time that's true. You know what people do? They don't tell everybody. They tell one person and you say, you can't tell anyone. And then he goes, okay, I won't tell anyone. And then when that person tells someone, he says, I'll tell you, but you can't tell

anybody. I'll say even. All right. So say you and I hook up or let's not do good cause then that would be like we would almost need to professional reasons not tell anybody. Say I hooked up with a girl. Okay, I love that. And yeah, and like she's a fucking dime, a smoke show goddess.

Is this an anonymous girl or like, what's the level of girl you're thinking? Tiffany Evertheson. Holy shit. Yeah. You hooked up with Kelly Kapowski and I say, I don't want to make a big deal. I don't want to tell anybody. She's going to tell anybody and say, I stay true and I'm like, I really didn't tell anybody. Tiffany's going to spill the beans to her best friend.

You think Tiffany's going to tell someone to lark, you think she's still hanging out with Lisa Turtle? I think they do. So when two people are hooking up and it's supposed to be a secret, I think I would say 90% of the time they both tell at least one person. And that one person, 100% of the time at least one of the two people tell somebody. Right. So all you can do is ever an affair that stays between two people.

And that's it. Yeah. Someone always tells someone. It seems like the, if information is moving at a normal speed, let's say 60 miles per hour, the most you can do is like slow it down almost to a halt. And maybe there's one person in your group of friends that nobody will ever tell. Yeah. But generally speaking, folks will know this will not be a secret.

The guy that you don't tell anybody to, his nickname is like Raisin, so you're like, I'm not going to tell Raisin. Raisin can't. Yeah. Like don't tell Raisin. I promise, Jake, I wouldn't tell Raisin. Raisin doesn't know anything because Raisin is a Raisin. Yeah, he is a Raisin.

Yeah. He's a box of Raisin. So he's like this little, little red carton of Sun-made Raisins. You guys are all in California Raisins. Yeah. What a weird group of friends. That's a good question. Is there anyone that you've hooked up with ever that you never told anybody?

That I never told anybody? Yeah. Yeah. So there, there is, it has happened before. Right. But who knows? Like that's why I'm saying, I think that in this, then in these situations, then that person has told.

Oh, so you're saying, okay. So at odds are at least one person's going to tell. Yeah. I'm saying, it's never like a perfect. And that's just random girls. If you're talking about a juicy, inter-friend group hookup, that's exciting. Juicy is awesome. Your friends know shit too.

Friends know shit. Yeah. You know? Because they tell, they, that's what they do. They're like, can't tell anybody, but don't. But here's the information. Right. Because you can't, you can't sleep on that.

But like something, your friend say, maybe you're not going to tell them on your own accord, but as soon as somebody notices something, a look, that's all, and they're like, what's happening with you? With you and Kevin? What's happening with you and Kevin? What's going on? What's going on? Right.

And then the, then the beans, they get spilled. Yeah. The beans always get spilled. Yeah. You can try a secret for a little bit, but eventually, as Jake said, the beans will get spilled. Now I'm moving on to the second part of your question, which is, it seems like you're really trying to trick this woman.

Right. It seems like you, you are leading her on to think that you're going to start dating soon, but you just want to fuck her a few times. Stop doing that. Yeah. Stop that. That boy. But if I ask her to be friends with benefits, I'll never get with her.

How does he know? And that's, that's the advice right there. So maybe she does. That's the, is it, is it more of a guy thing to want the friends with benefits? Is that like a guy thing? Like, oh, in a perfect world, a dude will want to hook up with a girl without having to do like a, get emotionally involved with all that stuff. Maybe so.

I feel like it kind of goes both ways though. So like sometimes girls want it too. Friends with benefits is always a little sad because it's, it usually, it's like both people can't get laid or something. So you're like, oh yeah, I'll settle for you for a bit. If you'll settle for me for a bit. Oh, so it's like, we're just, but isn't it like a, if we rub backs against each other, we're scratching each other's backs?

Yeah. So it seems like it's a good thing. But like, I just don't like the idea of friends with benefits because it's like, all right, we're just going to jerk off for each other basically. Oh, that's. I just admit, like, hey, why don't we just casually be together? In a real relationship, like, yeah, do you only want to get me off? You don't want to have like brunch with me.

What is that? What is, what is friends with benefits? It means you have sex, but you don't eat sandwiches together. That's like, it's a better, it's more benefits to be like, oh, here's a person that is cool, like sandwiches and I get to fuck them. Yeah. That's the most benefits. There's a benefit that I want, emotional fulfillment.

Here's a benefit. Being able to have a nice conversation with someone. All of a sudden, holy matrimony is the best kind of friends with benefits situations I ever had. That's a pretty nice benefit. Yeah. Here's a major benefit. I have a family of four.

That's a, that's a really nice. And I have a benefactor. Yeah. Actually, let's get married and then we'll have real benefits, tax benefits, little breaks and incentives. That's a really nice benefit if you ask me. Yeah. So, so yeah, I guess I do want to be friends.

This is my wedding vows. So, I do want to be friends with benefits with you, Jennifer. You also don't believe gays should get married. I do not believe gays should get married. That's correct. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. This is our right wing advice podcast. All right.

It's been a very... The first question to this guy is the friend in this group. It is you're, you're a dude and she's a girl, then we can... That's fine. All right. This is a very slow, slow con episode 167. As you guys have been listening to big hits the whole time. We are literally a third of the way to our 500th episode when we drop the mean bomb

on you. We think gays don't become, get to be in love with each other anymore. All right. Treat this woman nicer, I would say. Yeah. I think you say, but here's the, this is where the language has to change. Oh, shall we speak in Hebrew? Yes.

I can't speak in Hebrew, I can't speak in Hebrew. Yes. You ought to not say like, let's be friends with benefits. Just be like, hey, I like you, I'm attracted to you, but I like you as a friend and I don't want things to get too weird. So let's just be casual about this. You know, no pressure. What does casual mean?

No expectations. So she's not going into it casually if she's like, I want to long term date you in the future and that's why I'm going to be intimate with you because I see this really growing and building into something. And he's saying, this is never going to be anything, but I feel like fucking you. So they're not on the same wavelength. So the way to say that is I want to be casual and that means I don't want to be in a relationship with you in the future.

You think that's understood by casual? I mean, you could be even more explicit and just say, I want to go into it with no expectations. Like I don't, right now I don't think about dating you. I think about being attracted to you this second and wanting to sleep with you. But do you have to say that explicitly? Isn't that the beginning of every relationship? Yeah. I mean, I don't, not normally, but it sounds like he's concerned with where her mind is

that so he should maybe check in before he... Just to be super abundantly clear, I'm not necessarily thinking or not thinking about being or not being with you. Of course, if it like, yeah, you don't want to have this weird conversation where he sits, you don't want to sit somebody down and tell them this, but yeah, like maybe when you're about to hook up, just be like, hey, I just want to, just want you to know, like I think you're great, but I don't want to, I don't see this going very far. That's a hard conversation to have before you sleep with somebody.

Yeah. So good luck, loser. Then again, you're trying to lie to somebody so you don't deserve something that's easy to do anyway. There are always ways to, there's subtleties in language that you can exploit. Ideally, you want to be as open and honest as possible so that if she does get disappointed later on, you can be like, hey, at least I was trying to let you know ahead of time. Right.

But I will, you don't want your honesty to all just be like a get out of jail free card later. She's like, hey, you led me on. I was like, no, because I said casual and I think if you, your attitude should just be more about preserving your friendship and not clearing your name. That being said, if you're hooking up with a friend in a friend group, the friends are going to find out. Of course.

This is just generally a bad idea. There's nothing greater in high school that when two friends hook up. It's like the, it's like the exciting moment of a drama or a teen, like a 90210. And it's way more exciting to find out that they have been hooking up for a while. Yeah. Like, did you hear like if a fucking crazy story, oh my God, what is it? No, I promised I wouldn't say, but I got to tell you. Oh my God.

Jake hooked up with Tiffany Amber Theoson. What an amazing story. I can't wait to tell someone that one day. Would you, would you hook up with Tiffany? If you saw Tiffany Theoson at a party. Did I hook up with her? Yeah. Is she, is she drunk?

She's, she's, she's a little tipsy, but she's not completely wasted. So, oh yeah, that's perfect. She's like, that's classic Tiffany. Yeah. She's being like a little, a little loose, a little fun, a little bubbly. And she introduces herself to you because it's like, she knows, you know, who that she is, but like at the same time, she's just like, yeah, no, she'll be like, hi, I'm Tiff. Oh, Tiff.

Oh yeah. Yeah. She calls herself Tiff. Do you know I had my first extreme about Tiffany Amber Theoson? Really? Yeah. Last night. Yeah.

All right. If you have your own questions, your own theme songs, your own anything, Facebook art, send it all to, if I were you, show at gmail.com. Again, this is a headgum podcast now. Check out other podcasts on our network. First episodes are up. Second episodes are coming out over the course of the week. Oh, I wanted to, we never, the release schedule of all these podcasts, quick, do like a song

and dance. We can't edit this cast. No, no. Say hello to me, honey. All right. I found it. Mondays is our show and Gilmore guys, Tuesdays, Josh's mindhouse, couple of questions, Wednesdays, Julian Noons, another episode of Gilmore guys.

This is why you're single Thursday is High and Mighty, the Gabriel's podcast, Talk of Shame, Streeter's podcast, Fridays, Twin Evations and Black Men Can't Jump. That's a pretty loaded slate, at least two podcasts on every day. Something for everybody on every day. Thank you for listening. Again, I'm going to put a fun little clip from that first episode of High and Mighty at the end of this episode. So keep listening to get a taste of that and you can always find everything on iTunes

and on headgum.com. That's it. The end. Goodbye. Ciao. I forgot. The closing theme song. Holy shit.

I'm rusty. You almost, oh. The opening theme song was by Mark and his sister Marie. And this closing one is from the Chillsun Twins at Chillsun Twins on Twitter. That's Ethan on vocals and Shu on the beats. So thank you to the Chillsun Twins for this closing theme song. Now we're out. Witness this lit mist test.

Is it acidic or basic? Can you trace it back to bastard? Tracing face and blunts, erasing fronts, awake and baker? Are we just tasting fame and chasing? Jake and Jason? Have you taken? Eat it, too. If I were you.

Did you put cash on Floyd Mayweather? Or was he asked to sequoia fare? Whether fans stay cool in the van? Double entendre? Mind your manners. Fly your banners, Danny Tanner. That's a full house. It's a decent poker hand.

I woke up mad. I'm broke and sad. I poked it back. I fumbled that. I'm running faster. I'm the master. All right. Thank you to Blue Apron for sponsoring that episode yet again.

You can go to blueapron.com slash if I were you for your first two meals for free and you can see what's on their menu. Thanks to Blue Apron. Thank you, Blue Apron. And let's listen to that high and mighty clip with us on John Gabbers' first podcast episode. You can listen to the whole episode and many other podcasts at headgum.com. Enjoy.

You might weigh more than both of us combined. I probably weigh close to both of you guys combined, right? What do you weigh? Like 160 each? I weigh 167. And you weigh like 121? With out glasses you're 118. Soaking dry.

With out glasses. With out glasses. With three pound glasses. I think I'm 155. Yeah. So you weigh pretty close. We weigh 315 together. Yeah.

I weigh like 305. But I'm not in my best shape I've ever been in. You're not in fighting weight. I'm not fighting weight. If you weigh like 291. Oh, fighting weight? My goal weight is still way higher than most people's physical. I'd like to weigh like 270.

That's your goal. That's my beach body. My beach body is still like 70 to 80 pounds over the national average. We just did a live podcast in Australia. 1100 people there. What? Yeah. That's so awesome.

Isn't that weird? That's so fucking awesome. It was crazy. And which street are opening up for you guys? Yeah. I staged dove during a podcast. That's so cool, dude. Meanwhile, I could just make sure like it's like sort of rock and roll S but Amir is like

with dials in my head. I'm getting a little bit of feedback. Yeah, I landed. People are like, yeah! Surfing through the crowd. Is everyone's phone on airplane mode? Stop yelling. I don't want it to peak.