If I Were You - 168: Where's the Beef

Episode Date: August 17, 2015

In this episode we discuss prostitution, honesty, and being a doctor.This episode is brought to you by NatureBox and MeUndies!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. Holy shit. Did he call me a pussy? Jake is a pussy hound, and Amir is smart. Oh, all right, chill, let's chill, let's chill. You're fine with pussy hound? Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, as long as you're not a pussy.

That's, yeah. Yeah. Because I am a hound. Ow, ow! Ow! You're a dog. Sure. You really are a dog.

And a lonely little dog. What? Ow, ow, ow! Ow! Because your heart hurts. Oh, ow! Ow! I'm alone.

Yeah, you're howling at the moon by yourself. Howling at the moon by yourself. You know how that should go. This guy was Marcus Engmann from Sweden. Ooh, American rap from Sweden. Yeah, he's new to the whole music making thing, but he'll give it a try. Sounds like he's pretty good at it. Yeah, that's your, you little asshole, that's your first try.

Yeah, not bad, right? Just this jazzy, bassy, cool little ditty. Slam dunks. Yeah, I haven't tried basketball before, but it seems pretty chill. Man, I wonder how many people in America can dunk but have never dunked. What a waste. That's true. What a waste that would be.

That's true. Do you think it's a million? It doesn't really matter, I guess. We'll never know. Yeah. What is this show? It's an advice podcast. If I were you show and people will email us to, if I were you show at gmail.com, they're

in sticky situations. They're in need of our advice and Jake is a pussy hound and Amir is smart. True. Do you think that, what do you think is more true? Me as a pussy hound or you as smart? What do you mean? That's like it. In this song, it says Jake is a pussy hound and Amir is smart, but if you were to flip

those, which one do you think is more accurate? Are you more smart than I am a pussy hound? Do you think I'm a pussy hound, I guess is the question? Well, I also think I'm smart. Right. I'm a genius. Is that the question? I'm a borderline genius, dude.

Which one's more? It's me. I think, I don't think you're very much of a pussy hound at all. Oh, you think I'm just like a casual hound. I'm a pussy casual. Like, I'll take it if I can get it, but I'm not hounding it out. Right. It's very rare that I've seen you hound for it.

Like is hounding necessarily like a negative thing? Like you're obsessed with it and not in a good way? How can you be obsessed with it in a good way? I'm obsessed with pussy in a very healthy, normal way. Yeah. You can be that. Like you can be like more active socially, trying to go on more dates, trying to get more numbers.

Right. Yeah. I guess that's a nice way of looking at it. I mean, you're a pussy hound. It's a pretty negative connotation. I see. It's like all you care about is pussy. Right.

And the city that you're from. Yeah. Yeah. And I am going to drink until I feel it. I am going to smoke until it's done. You know what I've been trying to do? It's hard to quite describe, but I'll see if I can do it. You know that line in back to back where Drake says, back to back, like I'm on the cover

of Lethal Weapon. Back to back, like I'm Jordan 96, 97. That rhyme is sort of wedged in there in a very like hard to pronounce way. Like I made it seem very casual right now, but I practiced it a lot. So can you say those two lines and see how difficult it is or maybe it's not difficult for you? Back to back, like I'm on the cover of Lethal Weapon. Back to back, like I'm Michael Jordan 96, 97.

Right. It's that Jordan 96, 97 thing where he like tries to cram it in. And he says, like I'm Jordan 96, 97. So he doesn't say Jordan in 96 and 97. He says Jordan 96, 97. Yeah. It's almost like Jordan 96 is like one word. Like I'm Jordan 96, 97.

Now on the cover of Lethal Weapon, like I'm Jordan 96, 97. Yeah. But that's one of the subtle things about rap that you don't really think about. Right. The cadence that he rhymes with. Like it has to be the same amount of syllables or I mean, I guess whoever wrote that for Drake because I don't know if y'all heard, I don't know if y'all heard. You're going to take Meek Mill's side.

You can't like back to back. I do. Meek Mill. I think whoever wrote back to back was fucking great. I don't think it was Drake. I really don't think. How can you know? What if Drake hears this podcast and he does a diss track at you?

Oh my God. Amazing. Also, when do you do a diss track? Like you have to, that's giving someone respect. It's almost like he shouldn't have done it. That's why he said I'm probably going to regret this later. Right. But then he admits that it was weighing on his conscience.

Right. So it's almost like giving someone a diss track is actually giving them props. The real diss track is no track at all. And if you go back to back to diss tracks, that's like, that's a huge get for Meek Mill. I guess so. Also, what was the first diss track? Charged up. Oh.

Charged up was, I mean, charged up wasn't that great. Back to back is like a song that they'll play. Yeah. They played it on the radio. They actually did play it back to back. It's such a smart like marketing thing because it's like it has a built in thing where people want to play it twice in a row because that's what it's about. Yeah.

They asked me if I'll play the shit back to back. It's about the back to back is that he released two diss tracks back to back. Right. But then they asked on the song, he says they're going to play back to back. And then some radio stations do play it back to back. It's really, really great. I think I'm part of the OVO crew for sure. I would love so much for Drake to run a diss track.

It would be called. I mean, it all stemmed from Drake didn't tweet Meek Mill's album or Drake didn't help promote Meek Mill's album. So then Drake doing this is like clear. It's promoting Meek Mill to right to exponentially. Why would he tweet about? Is that what other rapper or was Meek Mill part of Drake's posse? I don't think.

Well, Drake was on Meek Mill's album. I think I think they're part of the same posse because fuck, no, no, I don't know. But Drake like funded Meek Mill's first album or something or no, maybe donate $75,000 to like a product like a production studio being built in Meek Mill's old high school or some shit like that. It sounds like you're making stuff up, but it sounds so specific. Like, did you actually know that? Or are you just no, I read like a complex article about like what the in complex magazine or

is just a complex. It was really hard to understand. It was a national graphic. I read an article about like where the beef stem from. Yeah. And it was because Drake didn't promote Meek Mill's album. There should be a blog or an article series called Where's the Beef? And then it just it explains where the beef comes from.

But the phrase where the beef is actually a kind of funny little marketing slang slogan from the early 1980s. Right. Right. So the column is called Where's the Beef? Look, we all got it immediately and you're over explaining now, but the articles are not about... Lemonfield, it was a great idea.

We're going to do it. Oh my God, really? We'll leave the room quickly. We already bought it. Are you looking it up? Sorry. No, it's actually Shane lost getting back to the house, but that's going to happen. Are you going to look?

I can look it up. Do you want me to look up what the beef is about? I guess we've already discussed it. Maybe for the next episode, we can do some research and get back to you guys. That's fair. All right, let's get to some questions. These are people who are in need of our help. Real emails from real people.

Let's give them some fake names to preserve their anonymity, anonymity, got a lot of anonymity, how about a female name? Nicki Minaj. Oh, that's good. Hey, guys, I'm an 18-year-old lady and I have a situation recently on a chat forum called Tagged, similar for Tinder, but I'm using it for friendship as I'm engaged, but on a break, I got to a normal seeming guy. I've been craving Chinese food and naturally I was complaining about it, but to my surprise,

this guy offered to buy me Chinese takeaway. Obviously, I begrudgingly rejected, but he didn't let it lie, and 20 minutes later, he had my email and was pay-palling me 10 British pounds. It's what happened in those 20 minutes, which is the problem. I sent nudes for 10 British pounds. Am I a prostitute now? Should I try and sell more photos to this guy? Also, he lives in the city not too far away and suggests that I come over.

Do you think he's planning on paying me? Should I go anyway? Total PSL attached the conversation that led to it, so you can understand better. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Christ's almighty. Is it prostitution to send someone nude photos of yourself for 15 US American dollars? Not prostitution. Clearly it's not prostitution.

Because there's no sex involved. It's not good behavior. I wouldn't reward that type of behavior from a man. But is it worse behavior? Motherfuckers never loved us. That's the problem. Uh, remember, what happened here? This guy wanted to treat this girl well.

Right. You should never feel like you owe somebody something if they're doing some kind of creepy thing and giving you a gift. I've heard so many girls be like, oh, well, he took me out to dinner and he got me a drink, so we kissed him at the end of the night, so we had to make out. That's not true. Nobody's asking for anything in return, or at least they shouldn't be. If he's giving you money and saying, well, what are you going to do for me?

You've got to be like, I don't want your money. It's 10 fucking pounds. Is that a lot of money? It's 15 bucks. But here's- Not worth your naked pictures being on his phone for everywhere. I read this conversation and it seems like he wanted to buy her Chinese food. She felt uncomfortable because then it's like, oh, I have to give you my address.

And then she brought up the fact that he could PayPal her as like a joke but a kind of a joke. That's not a joke. That's not a funny joke. You don't have to do that. Lady. I don't think that's very funny. Like, you clearly wanted the money. Uh, then she gave him his, him her email and he did do it.

And then he said, do I get a reward? And she said, you got my number in time of day. What else do you want more? And he said, plenty more. Everything you can imagine. And then she says, hmm, am I going to end up essentially whoring myself for spring rolls? And he said, you could. It's getting late.

When does your Chinese restaurant close? And she says, hmm, I could be a very lovely person and let you see my new piercings. So maybe they were booby piercings. So now I want to see them. I'll Venmo you a thousand dollars. Let me see your Tata's. So it didn't seem like, it seemed like this guy already pay paled her and then was like, you know, what do I get in return?

Not like, if you do this, I'll give you this. But either way, it's not prostitution. Not prostitution, but it's porn. He led you into a trap. I don't know. Cause she's the one who's saying, can I have money? It's not like he's like, can I send you money for pictures? Right.

It's a, it's a gray area to be sure. I will say she is a prostitute. That's completely unrelated to this. That was just her profession. She said, P.S. I'm a prostitute. Oh yeah. So. I would say this is fine.

It's not fine. Is it not fine? I will, I don't think that people should be sending nude pics to strangers they meet on Tinder anyway. What if, oh, whoa. Isn't this a little bit of the pot calling the kettle black? I do not, I do not send nude photos of you. You've gotten nude photos before.

Never have I ever solicited nude photos. What? They come to me on their own and I, and I wouldn't say, hey, don't send me stuff like that. Oh, they're complete. So when girls send you nude photos, it was just out of the blue. It was just at the beginning of a conversation. I've never, ever in my life asked for a nude photo, not once ever.

So if I look at your phone to see old nude photos and I read the messages before them, it's never, ever you egging them on and even in a polite, slight fashion. I'll respond with positivity, like this is making me so whatever. Yeah. I've never said send me a photo of you naked. But have you implied or requested it and not in a specific explicit way? I mean, you've gotten nude, I've not done it and I've not gotten nude photos. So I can't imagine that just you're.

We don't go after the same types of people plus the hound. I'm trying to think really hard and like, like think of, okay, four years ago, you receive a nude picture. Does this sound about right? I don't even know who I'm talking about, but just think about 2012 and then what happened before then? It was like, hey, can I send you a nude photo? No, it would be like, it always slowly gears up that like, you know, it's like, you know,

like they're sending pictures of their face or like they're about to go out and they look really attractive and I'll be like that, you know? That's really great. Yeah. I love that. You look so good. And then it's like, send, like send me another picture. You say that or like send me more or like, don't stop sending these something like that.

And then I think that's usually like a green light to start removing clothing. And then it just then it just happens. I've never ever said, this picture is awesome. Can I see one where you're naked? I don't think you said it that unsmoothly, but I think that you at least hinted at like, oh, can I see a little more or a little less winky face or some shit like that? I don't think I have. I don't think you've ever done it with a random girl like this, like a random girl you've

never met before. Usually it's ladies that you have seen naked before, correct? Correct. So it's never correct. That's what you text. So this guy is sort of going one step beyond that kind of like a little, a little, a little T. This is entrapment.

He already gave her the money. And now he's saying, you claim entrapment a lot on this job. And now he's saying, now I want the reward. He would, before he was doing it out of the goodness of his heart, then once he's, she's got the funds in her account, he says, what do I get? What's my reward? Like, whoa, you, I wouldn't donate money to a soup kitchen and then be like, and now what do I get in return?

A homeless guy shows you as sick. So I don't think that is, I don't think that you should have ever gotten the photos. That's beyond the point. You are not a prostitute. She shouldn't send it. Was one of the options sent him more? Is he, oh, oh, he doesn't think you're a prostitute. He's not like, this isn't his move now where he's just going to keep on giving you money

for nude photos and for sex. Like that's not what's happening. What happened was this is happening a lot on Tinder. Have you seen all these articles about like guys ordering girls' pizza on Tinder? Oh, I have seen that. It's like a thing that is happening. Girls are just sort of taking advantage of dudes' horniness. Yeah.

They're like, oh, will you order me a pizza? Like, oh my God. Yeah, I can't believe I'm doing this. What's your address? Like that's happening. So that's what this dude was. He was flirting with you. He was like, if I buy her Chinese food, that's a way to like get her to meet up with me.

He doesn't think that he didn't find out that you take money for sexual favors and now he's going to have you over his apartment and pay you $1,000 for one night or something. Well, what if these, okay, so it's not prostitution. What if somebody sends you money and then you send them photos, not of your boobs? Is that bad? I think, well, I think it's bad in the first place to take money from this guy. That's pretty rude. Oh, so she's fucked up in the wrong situation.

The lady's in the wrong too. Yeah. She shouldn't have like asked him for money. That's a little fucked up. So in the pie chart of the blame, how big is her slice? It's 50-50-50. 50-50. I think she should have not asked him for cash.

And I think once he sent, I think he should have sent the cash. But once he did send the cash, he shouldn't have expected nudes in return. And then when he got the nudes, then everyone's in the wrong, but now it can stop. You don't take any more of his money. You guys are at least even. And don't send him any more nudes. Would you say what happened in a vacuum is wrong if nothing else happens after this? I think what happened is fine.

She got food. He got boobs. Yeah. Yeah. An illicit exchange of money and goods. Do you think it's illegal what he did? No, because he didn't say, I am giving you this money for these nudes. Which also, that might not even be illegal.

I don't know. I don't understand how law works. But it's sort of like an unspoken rule barter thing. I'm gifting you this $10 and you are gifting me these nude photos and they're not related in any way. Right. They are. I mean, I don't think this is good.

There's no world where if everyone's doing this, that's a good thing. But if they're doing it, yeah. Okay. Yeah. In the grand scheme of the universe, you're fine. Yeah. It's not like you killed an elephant. But don't do it anymore.

Yeah. You didn't murder a lion or anything like that. Too soon. Oh, come on. Mufasa just died. You know, I'm Team Dentist. I'm Team Meek Mill, Team Dentist that killed a lion. I'll say it.

Jesus Christ. I don't care. You're going to get lambasted on social media for this. I really am. I'm going to lose in the court of public opinion. All right, let's read another question. This one's from a dude. Drake writes.

He's reading it to the podcast before, I think. Yeah. Hey, guys, big fan of the show, congrats on the podcast network. That's actually a good point. We did launch a podcast network called Head Gum. Yeah. Listen to our podcast. Go to head.osh.

Oh, no, headgum.com for a bunch of new shows and episodes rolling out on a daily basis. Headgum.com. Let's get back to the question. My girlfriend and I broke up a month ago after two years of being together. It was mutual. But I was the one who did the breaking up. And now I'm hanging out with a few different girls trying to get back out there again because I've been doing the dating game for two years.

I'm not sure how casual I can keep things. Mainly my question is, if I'm seeing and hanging out with multiple girls, am I expected to give full disclosure on being casual or can I just sell it like they're the only person I'm hooking up with? I don't want to lie, but if I'm not in anything serious with a girl and we haven't defined what we are, is it all right to just fool around? Best regards. Drizzy.

Drake. That is probably, this is a problem that Drake actually has too. Yeah. I bet like when he takes a girl out for like a date. He says that one of his lyrics is, I made every woman feel like she was mine and no one else's. Oh, wow. So at the very least, he's making her feel like she's the only one.

Is there a need to be fully disclosed? By the way, I'm seeing somebody else this week. I don't think there's a need to be fully disclosed like that. By the full disclosure, I am seeing several other people I've slept with wanted. You don't like full disclosure is a little too much disclosure, but how about we go medium disclosure so you're not lying. You don't want to ever be a liar. This is the white lie.

Yeah. You say, oh, I'm not seeing or not seeing anybody. Let's just not even talk about it. You just say, well, you just avoid saying, I'm, you're the only one I'm seeing. That's an easy thing. Right. You just don't tell somebody that they're the only one and then you see, and then if they say, are you seeing anybody else, you say, um, I just, I just don't know how to

answer my own question. You just stump yourself. You're lying to yourself. Let's see if you can lie to yourself. Keep this conversation going. God, I've been in this situation. Are you seeing anybody else like, oh my God, that's so like, you just say no every time. You do.

You just say no. I've never, I don't think I've ever, ever gotten that question. One time, one time my whole life, somebody was like, am I the only person you're sleeping with? No, twice. Am I the only person you're sleeping with? Actually three. Fuck everyone.

Uh, but you don't, you don't, you're not a repeat customer. That's why you cut people off after one. Yeah. You're a one and done. Didn't I ask you this once of the, what percentage of girls that you slept with, have you slept with only once? Oh yeah. And would you say it's over 50?

Probably over half of them. Baller, dude. Yeah, dude. That's how Hurwits do. I love that. Yeah, dude. You go to a fucking ice cream place and you say, can I sample? Can I sample?

Can I sample? You're the wooden spoon, bro. Yeah, dude. And what happens with the spoon at the end of the night? It gets discarded. Yeah. It's like, you know, in an old paper cup of toothpicks with other dirty spoons. Other dirty spoons.

And there's a handwritten note that said, used spoons, deposit here. And then you're like, can I actually use my spoon again? And I never get my full fill of ice cream. I'm even, no, sometimes I do get sick ice cream when I just want a little salad and I just want to, no, no, I'm not alone. I'm not lonely because I'm, because I miss so many people. How can I be lonely if it's a different person every night? She's just the flavor of the week.

You're a foam cone, a wafer cone, the kind that doesn't taste like anything. I'm a wafer man. A thin little wafered cone, man. Where were we? All right. Do you have to, do you have to disclose? I think if she asks you point blank, you have to say yes. Yeah.

Cause you can't, that's when the white lie becomes a black lie. That's a discreet, distinct. By the way, I'm staring at you. You asked me a question. You said, are you seeing other people? No, that's the lie. Yeah. You can't say that.

So she says, are you seeing other people? And you say, you can, this is a good, so you, you don't have to say yes or no. You say, this is a great conversation that we have to have. That's totally a great point. That's correct. And then you say, excuse me one moment, dear, what happens now? I've got to use the restroom. And then you go to the bathroom, you lock the door, and bang your head very hard against

the toilet. Oh, like you get down on your knees. Like you slipped in the bathroom. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Now she has to take you to the hospital. And I don't think this whole, are we exclusive, things going to come up again anytime soon. No.

Dodge the bullet there. Dodge the bullet, but head first, straight into a porcelain bowl. Or you can turn it into a joke. Are we seeing any people? I don't know if I'm seeing people, but I'm seeing Popol. About Pope Benedict. What about Popol? Oh, Poporee.

Oh, yeah. A Poporee of people. Yeah. No, no, no. I am sleeping. I am a waiver man. Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, every flavor on a flavorless man. A lot of people have a Napoleon complex.

I have a Neapolitan complex. Yeah. I'm going three for three. Which one are you? Mint chocolate chip, cookie dough. He ain't even cookie dough. I'm basically a cup. I am a cup man.

I am a small single cup, single cone, single scoop. I am the little ketchup packet of frozen yogurt thing. What is the little paper? The paper ramekin. What is it, a ramekin? A little paper ramekin. How do you know the name ramekin? Ramekin, I know, is like a small little cup, but I don't know what they put mayo and ketchup

in. Actually, on Twinnovation, I was listening to their episode today, and wait, is that episode three? No, two. The carnell talks about greasing the guy who works at a frozen yogurt place for a stack of paper ramekins so that you can just, he's like, dude, you make $10 an hour. Give me a stack of them for $5. Who's saying no to that?

One of his schemes is just free froyo. This episode was so funny because one of his carnell's scheme, carnell's like get rich quick scheme, was just like, how to fly drugs in the country, did you get to that part yet? Yeah, not really a scheme, not really, just drug trafficking, which in theory is a scheme. People do make a shitload of money doing it. Maybe you can come out ahead of this conversation before, are we seeing other people just like, hey, I really like spending time with you, by the way, I just got out of a serious relationship and I'm really just having fun and I'm doing my own thing right now.

I think you don't have to have that conversation until pretty late. It doesn't come up in my experience within the first three or four dates. If you're dating people on Tinder, I feel like you're not the only, nobody on Tinder just is getting one date and sticking with it or at least not a lot of people are doing that. What do you mean sticking with it? When you're on Tinder, you're constantly swiping and meeting up with people. When you're dating in general, you're meeting up with lots of different people.

I don't think anybody is doing like, okay, I'm totally single, I'm dating, but I'm only dating one person at a time. You date a bunch of people and then when somebody is like really great, then you slowly face a distance themselves out from the pack. But yeah, I think it's okay that your, one thing to always remember is, wait, we got to go to break. We will come back. No, let's hear it.

I think it always helps to encourage the other, the person who you're dating to do the same thing. Yeah, I mean, like I'm dating, I'm having fun with dating right now. I hope you are too. You should be doing the same exact thing. But saying that before anything comes up seems like you're just like, oh yeah, I'm saying not if you get quote unquote called out, if you get cornered. But I think in general, just don't tell anybody they're the only person, there's no need to

lie to them and say, I'm just dating you and you're just dating me and then you're dating other people. That's silly. So I guess you don't have to be, you don't have to say it before it comes up, but if it comes up, don't lie about it. Is a general rule. What do you think general rule? I agree.

We have a new character on the show called General Rule. He's sort of an old Southern general and whenever we come up with general rules, he agrees with it. I agree. Generally he rules. Nice. Let's take a break and just kiss each other and then we'll be right back after this. Come sit on my lap, daddy.

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Thank you Squarespace. Back to back. I think it's been mentioned before, but we do have a lot of great episodes on the head gum this week. I'm actually on Julia Noon's podcast this week. That is correct. You are on their podcast. Her podcast.

That is correct. You are on her podcast. Nice. Great. You're not going to edit that, are you? No, yeah. I'm okay without that as being the edit, but maybe we'll put like we did at the end of last episode with gabris's.

I'll put a little sample, a taste, a teaser of that episode. If you keep listening, you'll hear a sample of it. You didn't do that when I was on Noon's podcast. Yeah. Well, I did. Yeah, I did it with us on gabris. Us. Us.

AKA you. Fuck off. Sorry. It's us. It's us is me and who else? Me. You. Okay.

So you twice me once. Are you happy? You're smiling about this. Oh, gotcha in a lie. Bloomin' Tom. How do you like the haircut you got today? I like it. I dig it.

It's really short on the sides. You got a one on the sides. I got a one on the sides. Shortest it's ever been on the sides? Shortest it's ever been on the sides, I think. You left and you were like, I'm going to go full, full marty, we call it, which is like a one all the way to the top. Didn't quite go all the way to the top, I will say.

I can't believe you're going to put me on blast. It fades up a little bit. Well, it fades from a one. It fades from a one, but it doesn't go all the way to the top of your head. What is yours? Mine is a one at the base where yours is into a three. Mine is clearly obviously not a three. A three.

A three knee. I'm a three knee weenie. But that's the cool haircut to get is short on the sides. The question is, how short are you willing to go? And for whatever reason, I'm too afraid to go very short. I mean, a three is very short. Like I'm afraid to go like zero is the ultimate. I can't do that.

I said, it just goes to show you how far away I am from getting a tattoo. I'm unwilling to get a short haircut for fear of having a short haircut for that long. I think the real difference is that the fade to a three makes it look a little longer on the top. Right. You could, you could do a one to a two, a one to a two or a one all the way, one all the way. Yeah.

But yeah, for whatever reason, I'm, I always get scared to cut my hair short. Yeah. It's weird because it like, it would, it grows out in like a week. Yeah. Like the difference between one and a two is literally like four to six days of not cutting it. That's like nothing. Yeah.

And yet I still won't do it. But maybe with enough prodding from our fans, if you tweet at me, Lord, give me the strength. Hashtag, let's see the one. Hashtag Amir's number one. Well, it's really hard because hashtag's already a number sign. Hashtag number one would be like hashtag, hashtag one. Yeah. Well, I guess I could do that.

Hashtag, a word before Twitter. Like was that always a hash? It was like a pound sign. I think so. It used to be a pound sign, but I think it was also always the hash sign. Oh, but not a tag. I don't know. Hashtag, I think it's, yeah, I think it used to be a hash mark.

Hashtag is, that's a tagging thing, right? Right. So we had a tag. Oh, interesting. So hashtag, did Twitter invent that word? These are questions we don't know. This, the Drake beef, we're just, we're waxing. We don't, we don't understand most things.

We have a show in Toronto in October. Our podcast is sold out, but we have another show that has still tickets available, plus you can still get into both of our shows with the festival pass. It's just for last 42. There's a show that has tickets? We're doing two shows, I think one, the podcast is sold out, and then we're doing like a regular straight comedy show, whatever that means. Excuse me.

What? Excuse me? We're doing two shows in Toronto. I like the podcast because we get to have no script and drink whiskey, and then a stand-up show. Yeah. It's a little frightening. I'm afraid of that one.

We did stand-up comedy shows in Montreal, and it was fun. You did. Oh my God. I didn't have any fun. Us is me, and who's the other one? It's me again. It's always me. You know it.

You did stand-up. So before when it was us, you felt like you weren't a part of it. Now you feel like you're not involved at all. It's just me. It was just you. It was always just me. One set of footsteps. Footprints.

Foot. Fuck. Let's start this podcast. Oh, it's fine. No, I don't want to. All right. Do you have to go anywhere? Can you answer one more question?

I was going to go to the climbing gym, but yeah, we can answer one more question. Yes. You don't want to climb with me today, right? I'm on the fence. I'm climbing on the fence. Nice. Can you read this one? Or should I read it?

I can read it. I think I forwarded it to you. It's question number three, advise me PLZ. You got it, dude. I just, I could use a break. Yes, sure, man. Permission to squeeze me while you read. Permission.

You want me to grant myself permission to squeeze you? I want your permission so that I can squeeze myself while you read. No, I grant it tonight. Absolutely denied. All right. You're jerking off. Go. Hey, guys, I've been a long time, who wrote this?

Meek Mill. Meek writes, Hey, guys, I've been a long time fan and I'm emailing you guys because I need some advice. I went to a concert with some friends, slipknot in case you were wondering, and my friend who drove us there also drove these two girls, sisters, hot, that he knew, but the rest of us didn't. One of the girls and I talked quite a bit and she seemed to be at least somewhat interested in me.

Needless to say, I was also interested in her. Just got to tell you, buddy, you use a lot of parentheses. Sometimes they're not sides. Sometimes they're just part of the sense. So I was considering asking her for a number at the end of the night. However, after the concert on our way back, I didn't get to speak to her too much since she spent most of her time talking to her sister. The thing is, though, we both want to do the same thing.

Parentheses be doctors. And she may have just heard mostly about the advice I gave her, parentheses, since I'm two years older. She also mentioned that she gave some guy at the concert her number, parentheses, we were seated in different seats, although when he texted her later that night, she expressed regret at giving him her number and didn't want to talk to him. From talking to her, I found out we have quite a bit in common. I don't know whether I should ask my friend for her number or something like that or just

forget about it. I'd really appreciate it. Any advice you guys have, P.S., maybe don't read this on the podcast. Great way to get it read on the podcast. Did I? Thanks for the suggestion. We will read it. There's so much funny little things in here.

One of my favorite little subtle things. I don't even know why it tickles me so much is when it says we both want to do the same thing and then in parentheses, be doctors, just like a costume to him. We just want to do the same thing, be a doctor. That's a huge life commitment. I just want to be that. And also, he's like, maybe she didn't like me. She just mostly cared about the advice I gave her, but that's a way of showing interest

in someone. Yeah, that's liking someone. Yes, hearing their advice. What do you think about her getting some guy's number during while they were flirting? If you're flirting with a girl and she gets another guy's number, is that a way to flirt with the original guy? Oh, yeah, big time. Is that what you do?

I don't know if I would necessarily do that, but if a girl was doing that to me, I would know what it was about. Oh, so if you're flirting with a girl and then she comes back, she's like, I gave this guy my number. A really great way to flirt with somebody is to sort of complain about a date that you have to go on or somebody that you are, I don't know. It just really works out because you're like, oh, this girl is like, I totally don't want to do anything with her or she wants me, I'm wanted, I'm desired, and I would rather be

with you. That's what you're saying. You're also saying, look, I'm so competent enough, somebody's already given me a pass, like somebody's already into me, so clearly I'm just normal enough to go on a date. You should definitely ask your friend for her number. Oh, you think it's good to go? Yeah, this is GTG for sure. Then why does he not ask her directly?

How do you get somebody's number? Well, it's too late now. I mean, now it's too late because they're not in the car anymore. So he has to ask the friend to ask the sister to ask the sister. Well, the friend is friends with both sisters. You don't need to go through the extra sister, you just say, hey, what's this girl's number? Is that guy obligated to ask the girl or he just gives the number? If I ask you for a girl's number, do you ask her or do you just give it to me?

I mean, in order to get you the best chance of a date, I would tell her that you asked for the number. I mean, I don't see any world where the person is like, no, don't do that. But yeah, it's more to hype up the situation, like, hey, good news, guess what? That guy that you were flirting with in my car asked for your number. Can I give it to him? She's like, oh my god, totally. And then it's like, hey, green light, the number has been given with a blessing.

That means you feel way more confident texting. You knew this was coming. How's it going? Right. And then you can start it off. Be like, hey, since we both want to do the same thing, you know, be doctors. And we both love Slipknot. Yeah.

Do you think any potential future doctors are at a Slipknot concert? Or that's a red flag just to begin a new career? Yeah. I don't know. I guess, I mean. Like if you found out your orthopedic surgeon is super tired from having gone to a Slipknot concert the night before. Oh, yeah.

I mean, I wouldn't want them doing partying at a Slipknot concert. Like when we have to. While they're doctors. Yeah. But they're still. There is still in school. He can hack it. Yeah.

He's 21. She's 19. They're at a Slipknot concert. Seated seats at a Slipknot concert. Does that seem right to you? It's not a standing concert. I'm a little. I'm a little miffed.

Y'all weren't in the pit. Yeah. You really got a mosh. Let the body. Let the body. Let the body. Let the body. Let the body.

Let the body. I was reading last night. Tried to start a mosh. What is that? Are you snapping? Yeah. That's how you started it. Slamp poetry.

Yeah. He stood up. So I tried to slam some people home and you started. What is it called when you walk bushwhacking? You started walking around in a bushwhacking circle. Nobody dared confront you. They actually, somebody asked you to leave and you bushwalk straight out of the library. Yeah.

Yeah. I started like punching myself in the head and head banging. Yeah. Still, it was a good reading. You were in black cargo shorts and a black t-shirt and chain wallet with a magic eight ball on it. A magic, a full magic eight ball, the size of a grapefruit on the, on the chain. My key ring has not magic eight ball key ring, a magic eight ball and a Rubik's cube because

that's how big my pockets are on my black cargo shorts. All right. So ask for her number. Do it. Just do it. What's the worst that can happen? She says no when you feel ashamed, embarrassed. Oh, wait.

That can happen. Don't ask for her number. It's not worth the rest. I feel shame. Or shame's ugly cousin. Embarrassment. Regret. Remorse.

Or shame and regrets, a hideous redheaded stepchild. Hunger. It's so removed. But you don't want to feel hunger's abusive grandfather. Tired. Yeah. But tired has an illegitimate stepson. Green.

I love this. And green has sort of like an evil, evil mistress. She's 49. Yeah. Debra. Not even an adjective anymore. And once I felt Debra, I felt Debra so hard that night. Yeah.

Debra, you never go back. One thing I forgot to mention before we go is this tour video that our boys Basil and Dylan made for us in Australia. Basil and Dylan. My fucking voice for life. These guys followed us around to our two most epic shows, maybe ever, Melbourne and Sydney. Yeah.

And made this behind the scenes featurette where it shows us backstage, it shows us preparing for the show, it shows fans at the show, it shows footage from the show of us in Streeter. My parents even saw it and loved it. Really? Yeah. It's like this great little look into what our shows are like. So if you haven't checked that out, that's on our website ifiroushow.com and jacunamere.com. And on our YouTube channel, we have a YouTube channel for If I Were You.

Did you know that every podcast episode of this show is posted to our YouTube channel? I knew that. It's true. All right. Thanks for listening, everybody. We'll be back next week, maybe Thursday. I should double check. We'll be back either Thursday or Monday.

The opening theme song was written by Marcus from Sweden and this closing one was written by Matt King. If you have any questions, if you have any theme song submissions, if you have any Facebook thumbnail submissions, ideally 300 by 600 by 315, but we'll take what we can get. Send them all to IfI Were You show at gmail.com. Keep the tweets and fun posts about Head Gum Podcast coming. We love finding out that people are discovering new shows and that our friends are just as funny as we are.

All right. Cool. Oh, yeah. And a little taste of that Julia Noon's episode with me after this theme song. Later, everybody. Peace. Hi. I'm James.

I play a mirror on the podcast. Hey, y'all. They've actually done studies where it says girls are like clingy little shits and dudes are actually chill. Hey there. If you've got a problem. Oh, I don't suit you. Wish guys who can help you solve it.

Just email in. If I were you show at gmail.com. Told up. I want you. The shit will get real. You've only got to ask. Take some money. She's always listening.

She's always listening. She's always listening. She's always listening. She's always listening. She's always listening. She's always listening. She's always listening. She's always listening.

She's always listening. She's always listening. She's always listening. She's always listening. She's always listening. She's always listening. She's always listening. Because she is queen.

And it's that's ok. Because she's sometimes g voices money. She's that she's. I'll be pissed if they don't play this. Now I'm on public blast oh shit. It's always starting now, the only podcast that will tell you how To do you, every Monday, they'll leave them to reserve your anonymity So if you killed your neighbor's dog, can hear your brother watching porn

The girl first cheated on you in the Sims, for goodness sakes Just email him, I'd call somebody else's dad Lazy to puke, look at you, thought it was rad Bought a necklace for your ex-girlfriend Why haven't you already emailed him? I don't even know, man, I quit Oh my god, really? This question just broke me

It really did And I did it every year, as much as I could And by the time I was a senior, I got to run the show, cause I was so So musical At the end, you just became a musical note I just walked through the holidays, always singing full volume Yeah, what's the kind where it's like, too attached by a bar? Like, that's what you were at the end of the year

You just woke up one day, like the metamorphosis And you woke up and you looked in the mirror and it was just a giant musical note Yeah, with glasses I didn't wear glasses in high school Loser! You're right, you're right, that's fair I wore glasses in third grade Wow!

And it's interesting, because those are the types of glasses I wore Yeah, you texted me a picture of you the other day in glasses that I Very similar to the glasses Yeah, now they're finally back, like it's a 20 year cycle That was when I was, it was like 1991, and now those glasses are cool again Yeah, the background of my phone, people listening won't be able to see this That is a picture of my friend Abby as a three and a half year old, almost four year old In glasses that magnify her tiny baby eyes

That's so cute, I love when like three year olds wear glasses Because one, how do they know, like it's, first of all, it's very adorable Like to see like this three year old wearing glasses Four, er, sorry, two, how does, how do they know, how do they know what they can read If it's an eye exam, like can you read the third of the road for me? No, I can't read, I don't know what letters are And how do they say what, oh it's better, one, two, two or three, three or four They don't even know what numbers are

Yeah So how do they do that? I don't know, I should ask Abby I'm starting to, I'm calling her out I think those are vanity glasses Vanity baby glasses Hipster baby Hipster baby wears vanity glasses