If I Were You - 169: Lightning Round

Episode Date: August 20, 2015

In this BONUS THURSDAY episode we try to get through as many questions as possible in one hour. It is our first (and perhaps last?) lightning round.This episode is brought to you by NextIssue.com and CreditKarmaSee omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. If I were you, the podcast show, and you all make snow. It's hashtag toe, taking me here. They make the answer clear, and you all make snow. It's hashtag toe, it's hashtag toe. That was a really fucking cool song. I did it. You pressed play.

You didn't do anything. I wrote it. No, you didn't. I wrote it, and I did it, and I performed it. You barely know how to talk in your breath. I could talk. Okay, fine. Gus Rachelz did it, and his music can be streamed,

purchased, or downloaded at GusRachels.bandcamp.com. Gus Rachelz. Between those options, I would choose download it, then streamed, and then lastly, purchased. If I had the same option for every song, I guess some of them can only be purchased. Some of them can only be streamed, and some of them can only be downloaded.

What do you mean? Like, let's say there was an mp3, and it says, would you like to stream, download, or purchase? You would download it? Yeah, I would download it. Then it's on my computer, then I have it forever. Yeah, then you have to... Exactly, you have it forever.

Why would you want that? What are you talking about? I want to hear the song, and I want to have it. And then what if I like the song, then I have to go back and stream it again. You can stream it anytime. You're a verse. You really are a verse to having shit.

Yeah. That's a... I think it's a negative. I think it's not like a cute little quirky preference. I think it's actually detrimental. No. Yeah, you say having shit stresses you out. What do I need that I don't have?

I don't think you understand what stress means. Stress is like when shit's going poorly, and you think that having books stresses you out. Why is that stressful? Why are you stressed out by books? You're coming at me with a lot of hate right now. No, I'm serious. I want to know.

You have to show that. Downloading thing is bad. Having stuff is bad. I have eight shirts. They're all hung up. Is having an opinion bad political? No. I was saying that...

I've got one. Do you have an opinion on my opinion? It's not an opinion. It's not an opinion. Sure it's an opinion that I don't like to have things. Yeah, but it affects not only yourself, but other people around you. In what way does it affect anybody around me?

Because you get stressed out, quote-unquote stressed out, like let's say I leave a dish on the counter, or I'm giving a gift and I leave it out on the kitchen. You think that stresses you out? I had Tupperware. I didn't have to listen. It doesn't stress me out.

It stresses you out. You say having stuff stresses me out. Would you say it stresses you out? I didn't know. I don't think that you having Tupperware on the counter stresses me out. I like to put it away. But having stuff over here,

you said it stresses you out. When you have stuff over here, you say you get stressed out by having things around. Clutter. Doesn't that not stress you out? I don't like clutter. Do you think it stresses you out? Have you ever said something like that stresses you out?

Of course. Clutter stresses me out. So why does it stress you out? Where does the stress come from? I don't like to look at it. Oh my God. You don't like to look at it. What is happening right now?

This is insane. I mean, are you guys listening to this thing? You've got to chill out. I think you're putting yourself on blast by having this attitude. How am I putting myself on blast? You're coming across bad on the podcast right now. Thanks, Gus Rachels, for sending that in. GusRachels.bandcamp.com again.

What is this? It's an advice podcast? Or is it a public shaming of me? Forum. Actually, today's episode, you had this idea, which is kind of stays in tune with this decluttering theme. Instead of scientifically, methodically going through our favorite questions in our email, we're just going to try to unclutter our inbox and get through as many as we can.

This is probably our first lightning round edition of the show. These are questions we haven't read before, but it gives you a good example of what types of questions we have. We're starting with question one. Oh, from the beginning? No, no. I think the most recent one that's come in. Okay.

Yeah. Starting from the top. Right. Now we're here. These questions might not be great because we haven't read them yet. This is an experiment. It's a social experiment, but this is a bonus Thursday episode. It's kind of a little different, a little wacky.

Hey, what if it goes well? We could do it again. This is episode 169. Maybe we could do it every perfect square. So like 13 squared is 169 and then 14 squared, of course, obviously. All right. Should we get started? Yeah.

Shit really stresses you. You have to relax about that shit. Dear media moguls. You get a gift. I have a gift and I leave it on the counter. Yeah. I think that's not okay that you have it there. A little gift.

You mentioned a gift that you would have on the counter. I guess why is it on the counter? Because I left it out. I didn't want to put it in a cupboard. You put it in a cupboard? I don't know where that gift is. What gift? We were given alcohol.

Yeah. I put it in the cupboard so it didn't get stolen at the party. It was expensive alcohol. Well, what about bags? I had a tote bag that I wanted to go to Gelson's and shop with a tote bag. I put it in the tote bag drawer. I don't know what the tote bag drawer is. So ask me.

But you weren't here. You weren't here because you took it away. You put it in the tote bag drawer. I don't know what's the tote bag drawer. You organized the whole fucking kitchen. I can't tell what the tote bag drawer is. Is that a problem that I organized the kitchen? Yeah, it is.

It is a problem that I wasn't included in the organization. Suddenly I can't find shit. There's no way on earth you want it to be. Do we have a corkscrew? No, we don't have a corkscrew. See, I didn't know that. Because maybe you put it away. Am I in charge of a corkscrew?

I guess so. Are you in charge of everything? Where's my tupperware? You put it in the cabinet? Tupperware drawer, of course. Yes, but I don't know what the tupperware drawer is. Well, that's because to you, the counter is a drawer. We just read an email verbatim, and that's what it was.

All right. Dear Media Moguls. He's probably referencing our new podcast network, headgum.com. Headgum.com. New podcasts every day. Very good. A good friend of mine recently broke up with his girlfriend of one year. I found out after the breakup that around three months into the relationship,

she told him she cheated on him, and then she made it up to him just to hurt him. It's hard to know which is the truth and which is more fucked up. He managed to look past it for nine more months, but eventually started having doubts. And on a recent vacation, the two of them went on was the final straw. However, despite plenty of sage advice to give it time and attempts to steer him away, he's looking certain to get back with her only after a few weeks.

My question is, can I be cold towards her because I hate the way she's treated him? Or does my allegiance to my friend mean I should be happy if he's happy? Side notes, in about a month, him and I are heading off to Europe to travel, and I think he should be single for this and live it up. Thanks. Ooh. That was a bad random question. Yeah, we could have chosen that one.

Yeah. The basic gist is, if somebody is mean to your friend, do you get to be mean to them if they get back together? Or, like, yeah, do you have to... I feel like this is a very common question we have coming into the podcast that you, like, don't like your girl... don't like your friend's girlfriend or boyfriend. You know, it's hard.

It's like the breakup, and they're like, yeah, fuck that girl. You can do so much better. We're actually getting back together. Are you? She's cool. Actually, when I said that, I was lying to make you feel better, but now that you guys are back together, I still like you. Well, actually, we're going through a rough patch.

Oh, yeah, fuck her, dude. You can do so much better than her. But I really want to be with her. And I think you should, too. Have you ever hated your friend's lady friend? I don't think I've ever hated somebody's lady friend. I've definitely, like... I guess you couldn't.

It's really weird to have a super strong opinion when you're not in the relationship. I think it's easy to, like, really miss a friend and feel like your friend's not being themselves because of their significant other. But I also think that there's never... there's not really much you can do, because, like, if somebody says to you, like,

hey, you're not cool. I don't like your girlfriend. She's making you act dumb. Like, that person sort of fortifies themselves with the girlfriend, that it becomes, like, me and my relationship against the world. You don't want that. So what's the... what should this guy do?

Can I be cold towards her because I hate the way she's treated him? I don't think that... your first order of business is to make sure your friend is comfortable. So if you're cold towards her, then, like, it's basically just forcing him into a fight with her. And then it's gonna be weird around your friend

because he'll... yeah. What you can do is be super nice and cordial towards her in public and then privately say, like, I don't like the way she's treating you. That way, it's sort of giving your friend this inner turmoil that he doesn't have to deal with his lady friend for. Well, that's bad, too. I think you're, like...

you don't have to be super nice to her, but you're just, like, fine with her. Don't make her feel like you hate her. And then whenever your friend is, like, complaining about her, just, you know, inject... you got a positive reinforcement. That's what I'll always go back to. I think the side note is really telling where he's, like,

him and I are heading off to travel in Europe, and I think he should be single. Yeah, that's awesome to know what it is. Yeah, he's like... He's single. Because, yeah, traveling... Especially this girlfriend, wait, she lied and said that she... I've never heard of that before.

What is it? She said she cheated on him. She cheated on him, but it wasn't even true. And she made it up just to... Yeah, that is the liest lie of all time. I feel like she did cheat on him. Even if she didn't, like, lying about that is almost just as bad. It's like, oh, so you're just fucking really messed up.

Yeah, that's really... Cheating makes sense, because it's fun to have sex. What you did was just tell this really global-esque lie where you wanted to test me in some weird way. It's quite local, quite global. Actually, Wolf does this shit. He'll be like, I'm cheating on you. And then he'll be like, gotcha.

So, like, this girl just feels this flood of emotion and relief. Wolf will, like, ask a girlfriend that he's been with for years to enter into an open relationship. And he'll never, ever, ever stray from it. Like, he will never, ever cheat on her. He'll be good to her. So it's just like... But he'll just...

There will be some nights where he won't come home, and he wants her to think that he's met somebody else. It's fucked up. It is not legal, though. Or sorry, not illegal, I should say. All right, next question. By the way, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me and Jake.

I'm a mirror. I'm Jake, obviously. If you have your own questions or theme song submissions sent to If I Were You show at gmail.com, much like the kind this guy sent. Should we give this a fake name? If he needs a name. Dade.

Dade. Dade. Dave Downey. All right, so one of my best friends, used to bang this girl who's now in college. Should we say their names? I guess I'll bleep it out. And they used to date, I guess,

but they had a fight recently, so they broke up. And now she wants to fuck me? She's in the range of 5.75 to 6.25, so it's not exactly what I'm wanting to bang. But he was always bragging about how he fucked her. But now I can, I can, too, and show him that it's not that big of a deal, because she's not that hot.

My friends say I'm a solid 7.5. Some even say 8. Which I agree with, of course. Haha. And he's like a point or two below me, so I wouldn't consider this a massive achievement, because she'd be my first kill. What does that mean?

He's a virgin. Is he? Yeah. After bragging so much, he's like, by the way, I've never slept with anybody. He says, I don't want to make her my first, because she was already with him. So what do I do?

Bang her and tell him, tell him, plus all our friends in our group, who might find it gross. Do I fuck her and don't tell any icy? Probably anybody. But they'll all stink. They'll all still think I'm a virgin for longer than I actually was.

If there's any way of dealing with this, that I can get some pussy or some sloppy toppy, please let me know ASAP, because she's tired of waiting to get fucked and I don't want to miss out if I can. Thanks. Dade. Another question we probably might have answered anyway.

Yeah, I would definitely answer this question. Two for two. Dade, you are bad. He talks so casually. He's a naughty. He's a not good, man. The way he's talking is like he slept with 400 girls. Like, should I bang this girl?

Or should I find her a five and I'm a seven? She's a five. I want to bang her so she knows she's not that hot. The thing is, I'm sort of a, I'm a virgin, so I've never slept with anybody. Also, don't like her and you just want to fuck her so you could throw it in your friend's face. That would be a reason not to have sex with her,

because she's your friend's ex. Have you ever slept with a friend's ex? Not that I can think of. Oh, that's another gap in your sex history. Yeah. I had in a married woman. Those two white whales. I might have done something like somebody that they were

like really casually dating or something, but nothing like so-and-so broke up and I stepped in. That seems really exciting and forbidden. A friend's ex-girlfriend. I guess almost as much as, not as much as a friend's girlfriend. See, I can imagine him wanting to do it if he was like, he's not even attracted to her.

He only wants to do it because she wants to and because he wants to show his friend that it's easy to have sex with her, though he's also, he's not a, I love that he's like, all of my friends say I'm a seven point five. Like that's not that good. Some even say an eight. Which I agree with.

Yeah. So he agrees with the eight, not the seven point five. He's actually the only friend that said eight. A solid seven point five. Eight to eight. Can you be a solid half? Is it a half in between? Yeah, a half by definition.

They get to be a solid seven, eight or nine. Yeah. You're actually a soft eight. I'm a rock hard seven point seven, eight, five, six. There's no shaking me off that solid whole score. You are a zero. That's the real number. So what do I do?

I guess leave her alone. Don't turn her into some sort of sex puppet of yours that you can brag about. Especially if it's not, if it's your first one, like that should be a little bit more special than some sort of revenge thing. Your first time should not be a revenge porn of itself. Yeah.

All right. Moving on. All right. Do you have a fake name for this guy? Dard. Dard, right? So back in college, I made a bunch of friends for the past six years, three in college

and three years after graduation. We've been the best of friends. We spend all the holidays together and even go on elaborate vacations as a group. But now I'm having an issue. We're all busy with our careers and seem distant. We barely see each other anymore. And when we get in group messages,

everybody is pissy and reads the sarcasm or jokes and the message is wrong. It's becoming a problem. The last time we all hung out, everyone was so into their own world, new girlfriend's jobs, family, that we all just kind of left not really feeling it. It's so strange because we were the best of friends

for so long and now we act like strangers or forced friends, even though we still live in the same college town. What should I do? I have a few work friends, but no one I can really spend a lot of time with outside the office. I commute an hour each way to work, so I only really have weekends and nights free.

If I was to try and meet new friends, where do I start? Thanks. So I think this is a good example of one that we wouldn't necessarily answer. Because it's like, this guy's just describing life. Yeah.

I had these friends six years ago and we're actually growing apart. And now I don't know how to meet new friends. Yeah. I guess I also don't hang out with the friends that I hung out with every day in college. That's what happens. You grow apart.

Yeah. If I was to try and meet new friends, I would say you should. Where do I even start? I don't know where you meet new friends. Works good. Works good. We made a lot of friends at work.

Yeah. I feel like you should take those sort of work friends and make them your real work friends and then make them friends. But what we do is we work in comedy, so everyone is at the very least funny. Imagine if we just worked at like a potato chip factory. Right.

Maybe there might not be a lot of friends there. I'm sure there's a funny guy at the potato chip factory. It's a silly place to work. Yeah. I can imagine maybe like the Pringles logo or something. Yeah. Be friends with the Pringles man. That's funny.

He's got a silly little mustache and he looks like he's dead. Do you think Matt Damon, he says, PS, do you think Matt Damon has ever been driving and saw a black car that makes it look like a cop so he slows down? But then when he gets closer, he realizes it was just a normal car and he feels like foolish for being extra cautious.

With a roof back on it. Yeah. No. I don't think Damon gets pulled over. That Damon always goes five to 10 miles per hour over the speed limit. Can you imagine pulling over Damon and Damon being like giving a shit?

Yeah. Like, look who you pulled over. This is a fun story for you now. They ask for his license. Yeah. That's right. Matthew Robert Damon, motherfucker. That's my license.

Is that his middle name? I don't know. Look up what his middle name is. What do you think it is? I think it's probably a first name like that. Yeah, like... Matthew Daniel David. Wow.

Damon. Matthew Page Damon. Wow. It's a last name. Seems like one of those moms made a name situation. NPD. Oh, actually. There's a news story about Damon in the Daily Mail.

Ooh. Matt Damon and wife Luciano head out for a romantic dinner as they approach 10-year anniversary. Of course. They're at Brentwood's fancy steakhouse. So... And he is wearing glasses, by the way. Wow.

Do you ever get your glasses yet? No, they're on their way. So just know that you can still be Damon-esque and still not have perfect vision. That's all that matters. I wonder what he ordered. What did he make? And how did he take it?

However, the chef prepares it. Did he say that or did he just guess and do it? He says, what does the chef recommend? And then they say, medium rare. And then he considers that for a second. Because he doesn't want to just blindly take the chef's recommendation. So he goes into his own head.

He's like, does that check with what I desired? And then he nods. He says, I'll take a medium rare. You think Damon ever got salmon at a steak restaurant? Do you think Damon's ever gotten food poisoning? Can you imagine a bacteria so dangerous that it incapacitated Damon? Yeah, right.

For four weeks, he was just hunched over a toilet vomiting and diarrheaing. He's never had a not solid shit, I don't think. New friends. How about this for an idea? You pick a hobby. Let's say I like watching football. I go to a sports bar.

That's kind of weird. I'm not going to go to sports bar by myself and start making friends. You play a pickup basketball game or something? That's true. Playing sports. Pick a basketball. But then you have to be invited to the game.

Actually, you can arrive. I thought the whole point of pickup was that you'd kind of just be chilling on the sidelines and hop in. Yeah. Yeah, OK. I mean, it's tough. It's a real uphill battle to start from zero. But I think that is how you do it.

You got to... But I will say that new friends are more exciting because it's like, oh, these are people that I align with myself with right now. So rather than friends that are six years old, it's like, we've just had a part a little bit. Stacey was a brand new friend that I met at the gym. Right.

That's a hobby. Hobby. I went rock climbing. Stacey was there. We still hang out with Stacey? Friendship salt. There you go. Be friends with Stacey.

That's a very specific thing. All right. Girl's name. Stacey. Stacey writes, I recently broke up with my girlfriend before summer as she had planned on accepting an offer to an out of state college. Over the summer, we hooked up a little as the feelings

were still there and she was still at home. We even went to a concert together. But recently, it turns out she decided against going to that college and will be staying at home to help her mom out as her parents just separated. Obviously, we would be getting back together, right? Well, it turns out that the whole reason she wanted to go out of state was to be with some other guy

that she had been thinking about this whole time. I think she's just romanticizing this guy and doesn't realize that we already make a great realistic couple. What do you guys think I should do? This is a good example of like, what do you mean what you think you should do? You think you're getting broken up with.

What do I think you should do? I think she's just romanticizing this guy. We know what you think. Of course you think that. Yes, you've made this opinion to protect yourself, haven't you? You've created a nice little reality of your girlfriend doesn't like this other guy. But they're like, you, what do you think I should do?

I think we're already a good couple. I guess you do and your girlfriend doesn't. It takes two to really make the relationship work. Like, one person can't be down and the other person sort of half-assing it. Even if like, you're so down. That's not enough. Then it's still, yeah, it's got to be pretty...

It can't dip below like... It's got to be mutual. Yeah, it's got to stay above like everyone's at least 80% down. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So what do we think you should do? I guess we think you should maybe accept the fact that this lady doesn't really want to be with you.

Yeah, all you can do is look good in hindsight at this point. You are being broken up with. It is over. And this person is either going to break up with you and be like, you know what? Stacy took it really well. Right. Or she's going to break up with you and be like, you know what?

I'm really glad I broke up with Stacy. She really flew off the handle there at the end. If I had a girlfriend who was down to move cities to be with another guy, I think I'd be offended to the point where I wouldn't want to be with her anymore. Yeah, that's another thing to consider. I'd be like, hey, but it's hard because you're like this... Stacy's obviously hurt by it.

You're feeling a little vulnerable. You were just like, I just want things to go back to normal. I want things to be how they were. I want you to like me as much as I like you, but... Yeah, maybe try to channel some of that anger. Some of that, you know, not in a bad way, but just be like, channel some of the pride. That's what you should have.

Like, I don't want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with me. So, game over. Goodbye. Cool. Holy shit. Should we take a break? Is it time? Yeah, let's take a break right now

and answer as many questions as we can on the other side of this commercial pause. I meant pause. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist

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Time to read the question. Uh, another dude. Another dude. Uh, Dwyer. Dwyer. Dwyer. How do you spell that? D-W-Y-R-E.

Oh, R-E. Dwyer. Dwyer writes, Hey dudes, I've got an issue and I want to know if you can shed some heavenly wisdom on the matter. And this, like all great problems of the modern age, centers around pubic hair. I, like most men, find a natural and unshaven bush

to be inconvenient, uncomfortable, and all around kind of gross. So I like to keep it clean down there and I pride myself in the ability to keep a nice, short, neat cut. In the wee days of my youth, I was learning the fine art of pubeshaving and, of course, I had my fair share of run-ins

with ingrown hairs. Most of them went away after a couple days and since I figured out how to avoid them and still stay nearly bare. Unfortunately, I have one lasting mark from my inexperienced days. There's a purple mark that's been there for over a year which I presume to be a scar from an infected grown hair

ingrown hair right in the middle of my pubic area. I swear it's like a goddamn grape on my junk and it can't be ignored. So my main concern is girls thinking it's an STD and it's affecting my game. Right now I'm still in high school and still with my first girlfriend, so she knows it's not an STD.

I'm just worried about college when I presumably will be smashing every night. Will girls be put off by this unholy monstrosity? Is there any way to cover it up? Will a seemingly absent and uncaring God have a change of heart and have pity on me and cleanse me of this scourge that I've been consuming my psyche as of late?

I would really like you two to weigh in on this issue as it's a big fucking deal. Okay, thanks. Keep it up. Seize the cheese. Keep doing you. Ta-da. That was a pretty good question. Yeah, not necessarily a big deal. I wonder if there's a way to get rid of it

if you went to a doctor. It seems like he's trying to avoid the medical opinion. Yeah, I mean, are we the first few late? Because if it's a scar, it's a scar, but a scar the size of a grape? Yeah, that's the thing that made me look like it. If it's the size and shape of a grape, yeah, get it looked at. That sounds not good.

Maybe you can lance it and make some sort of wine out of it. Like a shot of a pus wine. Have you ever had pus wine where you lance a grape-sized boil on your body? I'm just picturing you like kneeling down and having it pop into your mouth. Yeah, this question, I really just think about like, how funny is it that he's just got a girlfriend?

Like in high school, you really are just like, well, I know this won't be the one forever, so I'll be having sex with other people in a year. Now when we get into relationships, it's like, is this person the one? I have to have a child soon. So if this girl's down to ignore the grape-sized boil, maybe I should just lock it down.

This girl's being so nice and accommodating, and he's just like, this flavor of the week is down to fuck me regardless, but I'm worried about- She knows my shit. What if I can upgrade? Can you maybe just grow your pubes a little bit longer to cover up the thing?

He doesn't have to have them so neat and trim that you can see his pelvis. Yeah, you don't need to keep it straight bare down there. You can have a little growth that can still be neat. Dave Rosenberg does scorched earth. Oh, he just like- I don't like that idea. Yeah, I don't know if he still does it,

but he used to just have scorched earth, like shaved it every single day. Yeah, like what are you, like working at a job at NASA or something that you can't even have stubble on and understand? It's the same like, for whatever reason, like shaving my legs also kind of grosses me out. Like for me to have smooth legs- But you still do it?

Yes, I will still do it. Obviously I wax every other day, but like it's not like a daily shave requirement. Would you ever shave your legs? Like would that gross you out? If I paid you $1,000, would you shave your legs? I guess for $1,000 probably. I might do that.

Pay me $1,000? Yeah, to shave your legs. Sure. Maybe that could be like a funny podcast. Yeah. So I'll pay you $1,000 and you'd shave them. Yeah. What about your arms?

Sure. $1,000? Was that another $1,000? I'm not going to shave my arms and legs for $1,000. You wouldn't do that? No. If I gave you $1,000- $2,500 against the full body.

So what, $1,500 for your arms? No, just $1,000 for, you know, one-on-one. What if I say that is sort of your way of decluttering your body? Suddenly you want to do it, right? You piece of shit. I'm picking them out with my teeth. So what should this guy do? I think go to a doctor to make sure that there's-

It's not removable. Yeah, because if it's, I don't know, maybe it's not supposed to be there if it's the size of a grape. And then there might be like some kind of ointment. Like when you get stitches or something, they give you ointment to make sure there's not a scar. It might be too late for stuff like that, but you can try that. And then barring both of those things,

I think just grow your pubes out just a little bit more. Wow. And then that'll actually cover it up. Boom. Three options, dude. What more do you want? Multiple choice. Ooh, another lady.

Another lady question. Cause this is ladies question. And I'm feeling mentions. Do you have a girl's name? Lacey. Wow. Okay, so one of my best friends is a dude. We've been friends for almost four years,

and like the weird instant best friendship that just happens type of thing. But it's always been a bit more than just friendship. We've hooked up quite a bit over the past few years, but never dated. We tell each other we love one another all the time and have dated a handful of other people while this friendship has gone on.

And it's always been weirdly misleading because it'll feel like we're dating, but then a few weeks later, one of us will be dating someone else. I just don't know if it's just me feeling like we should have been dating this whole time, or if the timing not working out was good because we could still keep our great friendship going.

It also doesn't help that all our friends ask me why we aren't just dating. We graduated from college about a month ago and now live in cities a few hours away from each other. He's come to visit already and stayed with me, and it was awesome, but a little too coupling for us to be just friends. I don't know what to say or if I should say anything

because honestly, no matter what, we'll always still be friends. I think him and I have just gone through a lot of weird uncertainty that we should both get some clarity, but I have no idea what to say or where to start. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated. He also listens to the show,

so we'll see if he picks up on it. I think you'll get it based on the context clues that you heard. I think so. Thanks for the read. Hope to hear back from you. Hugs and high fives, Lacy. Lacy, nice memory.

Hum, hum. It seems like both of you might be thinking about this, and this is like one of those relationships where there's this elephant in the room, and it's lasted for four years. I feel like you guys have to have one epic conversation. Yeah, I think you deserve it. He probably feels like it's coming,

and it'll be cathartic to have a conversation. I don't even know. He might not see it coming, and he'll just hope that maybe he's like a dude, or he's like, I don't know, I'll hook up with her and I'll see another girl, and then I'll want to do this. Why do we have to talk about it?

Why do we have to find it? It's a dream situation for him. Yeah, he seems to be, it's borderline and open relationship. For both of you guys, maybe don't fuck with it. It's pretty good. You guys are best friends, and you get to hook up,

and then you sometimes hook up with other people, but you're always going to be best friends. By the way, that's not true. You won't always be best friends. I feel like once you start defining the shit, and then like you guys either go for it, or then break up like officially, I don't think you can just go back to status quo.

Yeah, probably not. But this is probably not sustainable forever. I would say have the conversation, and it can even be as like on the noses, hey, we should talk. And then I think he'll know what that means. Nice idea. Like, oh, we've sort of been dating

and hooking up and friends for four years. What do you want to talk about? What could it possibly be? What are we? As soon as you say we should talk, he'll probably just be like, yeah, you're right. But like, you think he'll go for it? Like, you guys should either,

right now you're sort of in this gray area. I think you should choose one way or the other. I feel like you guys are going to talk and be like, I don't want to mess with our friendship, so you're not going to go out, and then you're not going to stop hooking up. You could talk about it, but you'll end up doing the same thing as my theory.

Which is just hooking up. I guess the real question is what does she want? Anything this girl wants. Yeah, just all you want is to define it either way, then... Then say you're in an open relationship. Yeah. Or if you want to go for it. If you want to date him, then you have to say that,

because then that changes everything. Or you could just stay friends. So step number one is decide what you want. Step number two is have a conversation, and if what he wants doesn't match up with what you want, then maybe... Maybe should I go out with her? Is that crazy?

She's just graduated college, and she's casual about sex. Yeah, so she sounds perfect. Yeah, she's probably hot, because she's 22 to 23. Her name is Lacey, and that's a hot name. Yeah, even if it's not her actual name, the fact that that's the name we gave her

was actually pretty hot. So now I have a hot girl and this fucking guy... You're a solid 7.5. Who's been hooking up with her. He's starting to encroach on my shit. This cast is no way. Nice. Thank you.

All right, have a conversation. All right, next email. Hi, it's Adam. I just started using NextPlus for my phone calls. My new number is... It's just an ad. It says I've been using NextPlus for my phone call messages. This is my mobile number.

Don't get in the free space. Yeah, download this mobile device. Fuck this. Who are they? Don't even say their name again. All right. Talk to you soon. Oh.

Oh, this is just a follow-up email. Let's see if this... Okay, here we go. This guy appears to be foreign. He appears to be either Danish or Swedish or something. Same thing. There's lots of vowels that I'm not really sure what they are in his name. So maybe you can give up a fake, interesting European name to give this guy.

Oh, yeah. First and last, ideally. Sasha. Uh-huh. Sasha U... U... U... Uzz...

Uzzfalafa. Oh, yeah, that's good. Sasha Uzzfalafa writes, So traipsing around on Omegle with interests such as relationship, like the lonely-ass 15-year-old I am, and I find this hot 22-year-old girl who was a goddamn dime piece by happenstance. After a bit of chatting, she says she was turned on by me and wanted to make me come. After a good, hard dicking of 30 minutes, I hadn't come yet.

I'm writing an hour after this embarrassment when she said she was going to bed. How the hell can I come faster? Was I too nervous? And then in a follow-up email, PS, I knew she wasn't some stripper or botter some shit because she gave me like five pics and a vid for free and didn't ever redirect me to some website. You're mad because you couldn't come in a chat? Why did you tell her?

Because it was a video. I think Omegle was video. But he says that he knows it wasn't a bot because she sent him pics. Yeah. Oh. So maybe it was just text. It's an Omegle chat. Yeah, you're right.

And he's jerking off so hard he can't come and he told the bot and then she went to bed. Maybe he told her she did, but now he's wondering how the hell can I come faster? Which is a new type of question. How do I come faster? I feel like... I think you have to just do it less. Yeah, when you're jerking off, I don't know. It really shouldn't be hard to make yourself come from masturbating.

Unless it's like this is the sixth time over the day. Right. And you're just running dry. Maybe that could be it. Yeah. So I would say how the hell can I come faster? Come less often. Higher quality, less quantity.

Also, are you using lube? Maybe some lubrication. Some baby oil, some Vaseline, some Jurgen's hand lotion. What is baby oil? What is that? It's just like super slippery. I don't know what it actually is. What are you supposed to do with baby oil?

Why does it have baby oil? Well, your baby... Yeah. Is if your baby's too dry, use a baby oil? Yeah, I think it's supposed to be good for its skin. It makes its skin soft, kind of like lotion. I don't actually know. It's also because most oils are the word before this one.

I don't think I've ever used baby oil for whatever it was designated for. It's not too jerk off. Every other oil is what it's made out of. Coconut oil is made out of coconuts or canola oil, vegetable oil. But baby oil is not made out of weight. What the fuck is this bottle? It's sick bastards! You made me eat a baby!

You shouldn't be eating the oil regardless. That's true. That's true. On we go? Yeah. You think people will like this lightning round? I don't know. It's a little different.

It's a bonus Thursday. The questions have all been pretty legit. Yeah. I mean, I don't think we would have answered how can I come faster. I would have wanted to. It's kind of interesting to get to questions we wouldn't necessarily have gone to. Maybe that could be a bonus Thursday theme. Oh, interesting.

Tweet at us. Let us know what you think about this lightning round. Tweet at us. Oh, this might not be a question. Hey guys, I just want you to know that during 1950, two Rosenbergs being Julius and Ethel were convicted guilty of sharing nuclear secrets with the Soviets. Not to worry because any arms race that America and Russia may have in the future, I'm sure that Dave would win.

Hashtag curls before girls. I understand this email is entirely pointless. I just thought you should know peace out. Has Dave ever said curls before girls? Because it does sound like something you'd say. I can't remember ever hearing it. I can't remember hearing that either. It's pretty funny.

See, sometimes the emails aren't even questions. They're just tips, suggestions. How do you know that? All right. Here's one from a dude from Canada. All right. Steve Nash writes, I'm in a bit of a complicated situation with my ex-girlfriend. Right off the bat.

Seems like he should not be in any situation. What situation is actually like simple with an ex-girlfriend? Don't be in a situation with your ex because it will be complicated. We were together for a few years in high school but mutually decided that we would break up before we went to college because we knew how complicated it would be to either do long distance or go in with a pre-established relationship. So we decided to not tell each other which schools we were applying to and agreed to put some distance between us, allowing ourselves to experience other people

comfortably and without the other's judgment. However, after I told her which college I was choosing to make, I was sorry, however, after I told her which college I was choosing to make sure she didn't pick the same one, she suddenly decided that she would go to school there too. It being her third choice, not her first, like me, and that she wouldn't change her mind. Now we both go there. This isn't a huge problem.

I wasn't too mad about it, but my issue is she wants to hang out all the time and be friends, which is what we were trying to avoid in the first place, at least so soon after the breakup. And this isn't the worst part. When we hang out, she always makes moves on me and tells me how much she still loves me. Since our breakup was so mutual and pre-decided, neither of our feelings were really hurt, essentially we keep hooking up because she's a tempstress and I can't say no.

What do I do to help? Please, this has been going on for a fucking year and I can't tell her to stop because when I don't show interest in her, she thinks I hate her, which I don't. You didn't break up with your girlfriend, so don't call her your ex. It's such a silly, weird situation. We broke up mutually and she constantly confesses her love to me. We still hook up and go to the same school. Yeah, so that's not a breakup.

It's almost like the breakup never happened. I think if you actually don't want to see her, you should make it clear. You have to break up. You have to break up. That's what it is. You break up. You can't be halfway doing it. We're still friends.

We go to the same school. We still hook up because that's not being broken up. And it sounds like it was not as mutual as you hoped it would be. I don't think it was mutual to her. I think she felt like she got dumped and she's clawing her way back into your heart. It's one of those things where you felt bad. So it's like, this is mutual, right? And she felt bad too.

She doesn't want to be dumped. Like, yeah, it's mutual. You're totally right. Anyway, I do want to go to college with you. I want to hang out all the time and we will still hook up. And if you don't see me, you hate me. Yeah. I can't tell her to stop because when I don't show interest, she thinks I hate her.

That's a problem with someone that you're going out with. Yeah, that's not something a friend says to a friend. That's not a friend problem. That's a girlfriend problem. That's like, you hate me because you don't want to hook up with me. It's not an issue you have to deal with with an ex-girlfriend. So I think, yeah, sadly, you just have to let her think that you hate her for a little bit. You could say like, I don't hate you, but I don't.

And she'll be confused. She'll say something like, how can you do this? Where is this coming from? Sure, I'm sure she's a temptress and I'm sure she will try to not break up with you, but you have to stay strong and break up with her and not be her friend either for a little bit. You can't transition from, girlfriend to friend immediately. You have to, everybody has to hate each other for a period of time.

Right, that's the way to get over someone. You can't be the guy that breaks her heart and consoles her. Yeah. They can't be the same person. You are two pieces of bread and you need to make a sandwich. That's beautiful. Thank you. Thoughts on which salami or luncheon meat she should use?

I think it should be turkey. I really do think it should be a pastrami, like you said. You didn't actually say that? So we agree. Onward? We still got about five minutes to go. Let's do it. Another spam from a website called iPoll.

You don't have to read that. Look at this one. It's interesting. Help. A celebrity is hitting on me. Whoa. Interesting. Can we say who the celebrity is?

I wonder if she even says it. Let's give this lady a fake name. She's a freshman in Chicago. Tracy. Tracy McGrady writes, Hey guys, I'm a freshman in college from Chicago. Recently, one of my favorite comedians on YouTube slash movie stars added me on Snapchat. And after a few funny snaps, I sent him this alone was a dream come true for me, of course,

but I didn't contact him again because I didn't want to seem like a fan girl. This is about you. Oh my God. He sent me a message over chat and asked if we had met before. He said I'd look so familiar as if we had met in another life and he hoped we can meet in real life. He then followed me on Instagram and liked a bunch of my pictures and told me how pretty I was and how kissable my lips looked.

Here's the shitter. He then said that he wanted to keep one of the pictures on my story forever. So he screenshotted it and asked if it was weird that he was zooming in and pretended to make out with a photo. At this point, I'm very confused, but flattered. I responded by saying, is it weird that I wish it was true? And he opened it, but he didn't respond. I'm sending you guys this email because I'm curious.

Am I a fucking loser weirdo for saying that? Is this celeb a scumbag? Am I special or does he just use his popularity to try to get nudes from cute chicks? Should I try to talk to him again? Somehow I'm a little sad that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I wanted this to be, I wanted to be his friend and make him laugh. You cool cats are internet comedians too. Do you see where he's coming from?

You're the only ones I know that could help. Any advice or comforting words would be greatly appreciated. Much love, Tracy. It's so strange. So he went from, he went from like creeping her out, she's like, ew gross, to now she wants his, now she does want the advance. Yeah. What she said to him was the most flirtatious thing.

I guess what he did first was very flirtatious. Kissable lips, zoom in on the photo, I want to save this snap forever. Is it weird that I wish it was true is like very like forward. So it sounds like you just flirted back though. It wasn't like you went. No, you didn't say anything that turned him off. I'm sure you said exactly what he was hoping for. That's like, what he wanted the entire time.

Right. But the fact that he didn't respond is a little odd. Why would he just stop? I bet he did respond. Eventually just didn't look like I'm, he's clearly hitting on you. I bet he does. If he's doing it to you, he does it to everybody. Yeah, you're in a way that you're the only person on social media.

If he's famous, you're the only person that's hitting him up. Right. But she just wanted to be his friend. Well, what about all these questions? We'll just tackle them one by one, lightning round after all. Sure. Am I a fucking loser? Weirdo for saying that.

No, is the celeb a scumbag? Not entirely. Am I special or does he just use his popularity to try to get nudes from cute chicks? Both she's special. And he uses popularity to get nudes from cute chicks. Yeah, I think she's special in her own right, but she's not the only person that he's doing this to.

Should I try to talk to him again? Not if he doesn't respond. Yeah, not if he doesn't respond. And also go into it knowing that this is not like a true love thing. This isn't like some magical connection you have with the celebrity. He's doing this with a lot of people. Do you see where he's coming from? Yeah, I've definitely been there before.

Hitting on people over Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, all that stuff. Yeah, you're the only ones. Oh, that's it. That was it, Tracy. You think he helped? Yeah, I think I mean, I don't want to throw this guy under the bus for being a little horn dog. That's, you know, as long as he's single and as long as he's not hurting anybody,

it's fine, but she shouldn't feel like, whoa, this dude was in love with me and I said something and I fucked up and now he's not in love with him anymore. He just thought you were hot. He probably still thinks you're hot, but I bet he's getting lots of messages from people. And that's the truth, Tracy. One last question.

Sure. I am a boy in high school and I've never been a cool, but for the last month or so, I became a pimp and a cool. Tota, a Brad Pitt of my grade, if you will. My question is, should I keep this newfound power to myself or should I just fuck every hot girl in my grade? P.S. every girl in my grade is willing to fuck me. Thank you.

So this is a good example of a question that we get where they're trying to be funny. It's not a real question. It doesn't mean anything. This guy actually, and unfortunately he was right, but not in the way he thought it was right. He thought we would either take this seriously and try to answer it or find it so funny that we would have to read it on the show.

But we actually only read it because we read every single email in succession. Yeah, so don't... You sent it at the very right time, which was 12 hours ago at 5.59 in the morning. Sometimes the questions will be false. We tried to do our best to answer only real questions, but unfortunately many of them are either incorrect, fake,

or repetitive, like, oh, this girl's friendzoned me or, hey, I want this girl to like me, but she doesn't. What can I do? I can fuck anyone. Who should I fuck? What are you talking about? There's nothing to answer in this question. Should we try to find one real quick? Can we hang out? Please.

We do want to hang out with you. That's correct. You're a bad pit. All right, here's another one. Let's see if this one's worth action or answering. There's a girl whom I work with that's been showing signs of attraction, but I've never had a girlfriend,

and I don't really know if she just wants to be friends or if she wants to have a more personal relationship. She always tells me that she doesn't want me to leave when my shift is almost over and engages Snapchat conversations most of the time. Should I ask her out? I don't know what to do. I'm 18. Sounds like you could ask her out.

Yeah. You don't really have a lot to lose. I think this is another type of question we get where guys are like on the fence or they need convincing to do something that they probably already want to do. Like they want, we, it's- You saw him coach us towards the answer.

Yeah. She always says this. She engages in Snapchat and she seems like she likes me. Should I ask her out? Do you just want us to say yes? Yeah. The answer is yes. Or he wants like, when you ask someone out,

there's a fear of rejection. Like, what were you thinking? Why did you do that? But then it's like, I asked these guys and they said yes. It seemed like a no-brainer. Yeah. I think you always, you weigh the signs. In this case, the signs I think are worth asking around.

You always ask out once if you've never asked them out. Yeah. I think it's just like, do I ask them out again? We get that sometimes too. It's like, I asked her out, she said no, but now this, this and this are happening. She asked her out again. The answer for that is always no.

Never ask out twice. But like, I see these three signs. Should I ask her out? The answer is always yes. Cause even if she says no, it's fine. You like still got the signs. Right. You got the signs.

And you opened up your eyes. You got the signs. That's it. I think we answered more questions on this show than in the past, what, four or five episodes combined. We didn't get deep though. We definitely scraped the surface of a lot. Let us know what you think.

If you have your own questions, your own theme songs, submissions, send them all to FIRE Show at gmail.com. The opening one was written by Gus Rachel's. This closing one was by Soph and Amalia, which head gum episode should we put at the end of this to tease people? A little bit of Black Men Can't Jump.

All right. Let's find an intriguing part of Black Men Can't Jump, which is a podcast with three comedians talking about Black People's role in Hollywood. Very interesting, very intriguing. Stick around for that. And again, you can listen to all the head gum podcasts at head gum.com.

Thanks for listening. We'll be back on Monday. Peace. My mom told me to roll my own socks. I got a problem. I got a problem. My dad told me to mow. I got a problem.

I got a problem. I saw my mom sleeping with my uncle. I got a problem. I got a problem. It's funny, because the first time you see Eddie in a movie, he's not cracking jokes. It's like, it's establishing that this dude is badass. You know what I'm saying?

I mean, I think the energy of him is still very comical. I mean, it is, but it's like, to me, it's like, but when you see him, though, it's like, this isn't like, when I first saw him, it was like he's undercover or whatever. It's like, this is just a badass cop. To me, it wasn't like some jokey dude who was going to be stringing one line and starting a whole movie. The same, like Rush Hour starts the same way.

Yes. Rush Hour starts the same way with like, he's undercover. You know. And he's, you know, like, and it's like, that's what's happening. It starts the same way, but I think, no, no, no, no, go back and do your impression of a fast talker, Chris Tucker. So Rush Hour starts and it's, this is the worst thing I've ever done. So I wasn't trying to actually do it, but do you know what I mean?

He's like, okay, right. That's how it starts. Man, I don't know what you're talking about. It's Mickey Mouse, Chris Tucker, but it starts that way. But like, to your point, something you were saying, is how, like, in Rush Hour, we don't see, we don't see Chris Tucker's character actually be smart, but we get to see Eddie Murphy's character be smart. Like, that's how it's like, it starts with him being actually a very believable

kind of like drug dealer type, you know, and like, I think that that's what's great. That's what sort of even like his thing with the cops and him being like, oh, like, like he doesn't panic. He's just like, you know, what happens is all of a sudden it just shut down. It just shut down. Like, yeah, I'm like, he's, he is clearly like that fast talking person who's like tries to talk his way out of everything, but there is like an

intelligence to the, to the like, you know, lies that he's like coming up with. Yeah. See, to me, that was the beauty of it because it was like, and that's something that I feel like doesn't happen a lot. Now, just with movies in general, especially if it's like a comedian in like an action type of role, it's like, you don't understand this person is more than just being funny. Yeah.

And that movie, they went out of their way to show you on multiple occasions like, oh, this dude understood that the coffee grounds probably means there's drugs in this box. But I would like to bring up the fact that as great as the movie was, he still did not get the attractive white girl.