If I Were You - 170: Hairy Butthole

Episode Date: August 24, 2015

In this episode we discuss adultery, pornography, and being a man.This episode is brought to you by SlugBooks, Squarespace, and BlueApron!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast Oh check it if I were you huh let's go check See I'm the John Wolf of Rap and y'all are big trouble Every scheme is so legal yet so subtle Get your clam dip ready when the show's on It's getting hot and heavy, turn the volume low mom Real emails, but fake names Advice hotter than the females that Jake bangs Sports and math, the me is two favorite things Choose about to work magic like David Blaine FYI if you ever try to stake a claim You'll end up MIA like paper planes From NY to LA, we're a showy Sunday I ain't never been, but I hear it's lovely And TBS don't pick em up and share they money That would be total bullshit, very funny

Like Hitler got the one cool mustache It's getting real on this podcast Hey no no na na na na na na na na make them say hey na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na no na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na Hey!! It's one of my favorite songs, I think this one. Yeah, not the original now who's saying the original make him say oh Master P. What does that mean to make them say on and on and on come say? Oh Like you're fucking them so good and they're saying like oh And then disease is he saying the nanana or is he saying make them saying and I don't think they're like Groaning and then saying the nanana while he's fucking that I think it's like sort of like make him say oh and then part of just like

Yeah, it's a man not Was that a full-on Master P? It wasn't a cup like that seemed like an original song with like a nod to Master P Yeah, he paid homage to the to the pupil to the greats But it's honest we stand on the shoulders of giants if you want to stand on your clients and call themselves tall That guy was written or sorry that song was written by Kenan whose Twitter name is Karuna powers K. A. R. U. NA powers wanted us to give a shout out to that those Twitter fault. I mean he has a tight flow Yeah, I really liked his his tweets are actually pretty interesting, too. Really? Yeah, give me a sample

Okay, an example sample when in Rome order Domino's huh pretty funny very nice eating an egg sent Sorry eating an egg white omelette is like eating a sandwich with only crust I don't quite get that what's the metaphor you get it cuz you're you're it's the worst part of the eggs The worst part of the bread not everybody agree because I feel like crust but whatever I like yeah I like I think that one saw me banging on the sofa. It wasn't me. I even had her in the shower It wasn't me. She even caught me on camera. Wait, what you're fucked Yeah, that song's there's definitely some holes in the logic of shaggy she even caught me on camera It wasn't me. I mean she walked in on you, right?

Even if it's not camera. It's like And then last one pit stains are my way of showing the world my shirt doesn't work as hard as I do Oh, I like that one a lot. That's my favorite these date back to April So I don't know if he's tweeting as much anymore, but thank you Karuna powers Thank you now you better get back on it because we just got him we just bought him a thousand followers I came over he's at 298 right now. I'm gonna follow him. I'm gonna follow him right now He's at 299 right now. How do I spell it again? k a r u n a powers as

In he has Karuna powers instead of like super powers got it. Yeah This is if I were you the only advice podcast on the entire internet hosted by us. I'm Amir and I'm Karuna powers Oh my god, it's true. You're a secret hero and now your identity is out. That's right everybody This is my Twitter and that was my rap. That's why I loved all those tweets You got your glasses, right? Yeah, I have in my backpack. Did you wear them today? I I have not worn them today because I don't really have to wear them during the day It's only at night really that I can't see is that true Well, I mean, it's hard to see things all the time

But like is it retreat can only not see a night or should you wear them all the time? The doctor said I didn't have to wear them all the time the doctor. It's an optometrist. It's not a real doctor They are the DR in front of it shit Well, what does he know that I don't it was a she you went to the same Sexist the doctor was a woman I know what you're doing. You're dipping your toes in the glasses water first. You don't want to be the kind of guy That's just the glasses guy. I mean when I put them on for the first time. It was too powerful. What do you mean?

I Had to take them off because I could see too clearly I didn't feel like I should be allowed. I could see that way. Yeah, like I have perfect vision No, no one man should have super power. You felt like it was too clear even though you had Clear perfect vision probably for the first 20 years of your life even more, right? But then once it starts to slip you put the glasses back on you're like, no, this is too much It's just too good. I shouldn't I don't need to read yeah the ingredients in the cereal It's as if you have x-ray goggles and you're looking at like women undressed and you're like, no, this isn't fair to them

Exactly, but in fact, it was just like no, I shouldn't read street signs this clearly, right? Do you follow Karuna powers? I just followed him. Yeah, all right So we're gonna be answering real emails from real people. Wait, do you say like your glasses or not? Hey, I'll put them on. I mean it doesn't this isn't really a is not a visual. I won't really all right You can I mean it's already happening. So you don't really it's just that's for you You know to this is gonna be your live reaction. Okay? To my glasses Warby Parker Warby Parker shout out even though they didn't pay us Here we go. Oh

Oh, oh my ham. Yeah, look at that. Yeah glasses and a mustache. Oh, yeah I have a mustache now too for all y'all listening out. So you look like a German psychologist Oh, you definitely look a lot smarter. Do I should I take a picture and put it on my Instagram for people to see? Is that how you want to debut it? I don't know because like I feel like the lighting is what's take? We'll take a picture. You don't have to take one right now, right? But tonight. Yeah, okay So by the time this is online, right people will be able to see it or tomorrow morning How about 11 a.m. Is the reveal? Oh the grand debut. Yeah. Yeah, you'll be you'll debut taunt You'll be a debut taunt because I'd like to really I'd like to go somewhere to light it

See you want it to be outdoors. I want to be during the day. Let's go to the top of Griffith Parker Oh my god, you want me to you want me to take a hike with you? I know the exact spot. I want to do it I don't want to do it anymore. All right. I'll do it as a selfie Give me that selfie stick All right, so these are real emails from real people. I'm gonna let's give them fake names Just to preserve their anonymity, you know, because I want to I want to help these people out But I don't need to out them. Yeah, that's fair Alright, here we go. First one is from a teenager

Who's a teenage boy that you know a little teenage boy that you like a young little teenage boy? Teenage boy. Yeah. Yeah teenage boy. Who's a teenage boy? I don't know if I want to play Come on Jake, who's a teenage boy you like? Who's a little teenage boy? Just name this imaginary teenage boy. I'll just name people I was friends with when I was a teenager Because you don't currently know any teenage boys. I mean, maybe I have a cousin that's a teenager I don't know. I don't actually know. All right. Anyway, this one's Corey. Corey writes. Hey guys I need some advice. I'm a high school student who masturbates on daily as most boys my age do and had come across a bit of a problem Normally I erase my browser history after I watch porn this way

I'll never get caught even though no one in my house uses the computer, but me The computer is in my room So it's easy to pull up some porn squeeze one out then erase the history with an minimal amount of time One day my sister had come home to visit the family and I heard her catching up with my mom and dad downstairs I hadn't fapped the day before so I was aching to do so now. I decided it was safe to do I decided it was safe to do it because I would have plenty of time before she came up to see me This was the biggest mistake of my life. I had finished and I had opened my internet history and before I could click erase I heard her coming up the stairs in an act of panic

I left my desk and went to the bathroom to get rid of the evidence when I came back. She was on my computer She screamed she just wanted to check her emails as she ran out of the room She back. Sorry I sat back down at my desk and realized that my history had been left open and I was in complete shock The worst part was that all the porn I had watched had revolved around brother sister stuff and anal I think now she thinks I want to fuck her in the butt. The thing is I don't I just watched that video because it was the In the new release section and I found the chick so hot So I watched it and clicked on a couple of suggested videos

Now she avoids eye contact with me at dinner and avoids me all together throughout the day She is going to be here for the next month and I don't know what to do Should I corner her and force her to listen to me that way I can explain or should I just leave it alone? What should I do? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. Love Cory. All right Well real quick anytime you think you need to corner someone and force them to do something. That's not true and don't Well, he just wants to explain right but still he should really corner her before he explains That's when you that's when you you force someone into a corner The worst thing you can do when you need to talk to somebody is corner. Yeah

So that way they can't escape in two directions, and then you just sort of close off the other or anybody Part two I Think it's really funny that he was aching to fat because he had gone one day And also you felt like you had ample time because you thought you had like 30 seconds Yeah, I'm full time for me is like my parents are going to at least the grocery store not my sister is downstairs having a Conversation even ample like I Somebody's gone for a weekend. That's ample time Because I really like to tease it out. This is like mission about that edging shit

He's all about like that doors closing and he's tumbling underneath a closing garage door Grabbing his hat at the last like I was even that like it's like he just wants to nut so badly I feel like there would you wouldn't find some joy in just doing it later in the evening when you have a little more time to yourself Or what about doing it in a doing it in a private location? Like can't he fap without porn for this this one your phone into the bathroom this one second It's like I just I can squeeze this in under five seconds like what's that's not that good You realize this guy hadn't nutted in 36 hours though. I had to also understand being a teenager That's like yeah, that's a long time for him. Him nutting. Is it like saying oh now?

I'm not gonna jerk off later. He'll just do it several times. Yeah Well first of all my advice even before the situation is private browsing Yeah, cuz then you don't have to erase. Yeah. Yeah, dude. There's incognito mode. There's private browsing There's ways for it not to save on to your computer locally that way doesn't access the cash It doesn't go into your history But nobody will know because I'm completely off the grid also what I'll do is load the videos then turn off the Wi-Fi Yeah, that way. I'm not even attracting a signal so people can't actually take that data. You are a little too paranoid Yeah, I feel like they're intercepting the signal and they can unscramble to buy

Devices and I sketched a sketch a little picture of a nude woman then I burn it when I'm done And I buy and I take the ashes and I wet them and I drink them that way by the time it comes out of me It's completely indistinguishable and you okay cool. Oh, man. That's smart. Yeah That's why I had all that stomach issues from right You had a lot of fires in the yard. I think you jerk off to sketches Maybe too much. I'm starting to just jerk off to the fire at this point the fire gets me off However, this is this ship has paid this ship has sailed for this guy ship has sunk So what now do you do you explain to your sister? Well, do you understand?

Are you in this like just because that's the theme of the porn you watch? Does that mean that you don't actually are into that? I understand actually personally I Find myself sometimes watching the incest videos because I like turn off the podcast mom or mom. Oh, yeah Fuck mom delete this episode Never can it never can can these words grace your virgin ears Just cuz like If you like amateur porn and if you like POV porn for whatever reason there's a lot of this I don't know sometimes like you say you're just attracted to a girl and you're not necessarily attracted to the fetish

But you want to right see her naked so you watch the video and then of course if you're in the incest mode There's gonna be other incest videos and if you find those girls attracted you attractive You'll watch them and I've been there and like I'll find the girl hot and I'll find the like way They're shooting the porn hot and then she'll be like you shouldn't be fucking me. You're my brother That's not the sexy part the sexy part is that you're having sex So brother sister porn is just regular porn except every three and a half minutes. They have this is bad because we're brother and sisters It's bad exposition. Yeah It's not clever writing. It's too much pipe. I feel like it's too expository

Yeah, can we get back? Can we get back to the actual story? So you I? guess You're not asking for this advice But sometimes I'll find a porn video that has good sound bites and I'd leave the volume on that and then mute the brother sister one Wow, okay. That's yeah now. You're really getting you don't want to like be jerking off to completely muted porn But also now at this point you can't tell your sister like It's probably more embarrassing to tell her like no, it's not I'm not into incest I just you know really wanted to see that particular girl get fucked right is that better?

No, I think you like can't talk about this. I here's what I want to say though There's a chance that she Huge chance likelihood actually that she didn't read the titles of the video Hmm. She probably just saw a naked person on your screen and ran away. Oh, seriously There wasn't like I don't think she poured over this screen being like sit. I'm imagining in his mind. This is like Shot in this like really Cinematically yeah, and like there's a crash zooms of like brother or anal sister blonde hair her blonde hair She's like, oh, no, this is me and then you like coming out of the bathroom tugging at your dick still inside you

Like oh, no, you didn't see this. Yeah, and then you're coming again because this guy probably gets off to his next thing She knows you're cornering her Like it's not wrong. Just let me explain. It's not wrong. It's not wrong Turning her around for some reason. I know you I Think you might want to trust that she doesn't she didn't read too far into the videos Yeah, or you can just gradually drop hints like over dinner and be like, I you know I don't like so like I would be eating a Salisbury steak like oh, I mean a mirror would you or Corey? Would you would you like some a1 sauce for your steak?

Yeah, I like a1. I don't like a anal sister brother shit, but I can go for some what's that honey? I don't like when my I would never fuck Samantha. Okay. Okay. Very well. Cool. So we agree I mean you said yes to a1. I mean well, yes, I will take the steak sauce mother. I Do want my steak to be slightly more seasoned. I do not want to fuck my own sister in the buttocks now You go with you see not quite juicy enough. So I'm going to slather it with sauce. Thank you mom and to you sister I'm not attracted to you physically. I just hadn't fapped in 36 hours. So I was aching to do so Where were we oh right say we were talking about and I'm choking on the steak Jeopardy's playing in the background. Can we just have one meal without Alex you're back fucking narrating the whole thing

That's the dad the dad's losing it, but for different reasons I feel like every bite is a daily double for Christ's sakes So you're saying don't yeah, there's a likelihood you didn't see so there's no need to open that Pandora Sometimes you yeah people like tend to over explain something because it's he's gone into his head and he's Hmm being a little neurotic about it Yeah, so like let's just trust that she was in her own world saw something She didn't want to see on her family computer and she went away This too shall pass. Yeah, and like if you're overthinking it

Maybe she's not maybe you maybe you just like start acting a little cool and she'll You know she'll act the same way or okay, okay love this You find porn. That's the opposite of that and make sure she sees that Leave it open. So leave it up. Um sister. Don't catch me looking at oh geez. It's it's it's vaginal They're just boyfriend girlfriend. Oh, that's my fetish if you ask me I'm pretty into that That's you know, it's weird about porn. There's all there are all like these crazy fetishes like that I'm not necessarily The cheat like a cheating fetish. I was just thinking of it's like oh this

This person's gonna cheat on their husband or wife with you. I'm like that doesn't make me happy to watch right I don't need to see like all you really want to see is the the inner the intercourse. Yeah, exactly So do you is there porn? That's just two people hooking up on a third date? Yeah, there is it's called third date hookup. Well, they're I mean Fuck me finally comm is my porn site And launched yet, but it's it's all about just like I believe somebody took that right I think so I think fuck me fine Oh, yeah, fuck me finally right now is a site that somebody built I think they tried to turn it into a if I were you script archive using

YouTube closed captioning based on the videos we've uploaded really I can't vouch for the efficacy of the transcript Descriptions, but at the very least they they tried that's cool So what we're saying that your specific type of porn is Just people that you've like wanted to fuck for a long time and then you get to oh Like the the stars have finally a line I actually had a boyfriend you had a girlfriend then the other way around then like I think there was like an element of We shouldn't be doing this but like not in a in a legal way or really a moral way, but just like What else is there why else would you not want it shouldn't be doing it?

If not for illegal or a moral cuz like someone's gonna come in or something like oh, we're in a dressing room Oh, like the bathroom at a party right like knocking on the door. Yeah, not necessarily what I was thinking But now that I've cornered you I Can get out of it. I think it might have been cheating porn actually. I really fucking get off to that. I'm sorry I've got myself in a lie. All right, so don't tell your sister that you don't want to fuck her I just don't mention it. You could also plant porn on her computer Like incest porn and then you confront her about it. Oh, and you're like I saw this porn on your computer And she's like no, that's not me. That's you and you're like I'm not into that

That was just on my computer once and then she's like, oh, I guess it was just on mine And then you're like, okay, it seems like a fluke of the internet And then you guys could hook up. Yeah, like, oh, where did you get that? I didn't want that neither did I. Oh, don't hit me. Oh, you're slapping me Yeah, you're getting into it and then like you start slapping because it's like, oh get away from here, Corey Oh, get away from here, Samantha. Oh, and then it's like, oh, they sort of like have a sibling wrestle like they haven't had in years Yeah, oh, like you're such a dill weed. You're such a bonehead. Yeah, they roll over and then all of a sudden she's straddling in Yeah, yeah, they're breathing a little

Moment hangs in the air Nobody knows what to do. She wants to get off him, but he but he puts his arm around her waist and he can kiss. Finally, fuck me finally dot-com That's a stinger. Fuck me finally. Dot-com. Nice. Thanks Next question. Let's see here. Oh I need another guy's name Eli writes, hey guys, about six months ago I was transferred offices from New York to Ohio. It came with quite a substantial raise

So after a long talk with my wife, it was agreed that I would go But however, my wife would not join me She is an only child and her mother became quite infirm within the last year But refused to go into a home so she moved in with us She was in no condition to be moved So my wife stayed to stay to take care of her and I moved Flash forward to now and I've been driving back and forth once a month to visit for a weekend But other than that, I don't see her very often. We do FaceTime every night though last week

I was invited to dinner at the house of someone I worked with along with some other co-workers Including this woman from work who had just gotten out of a relationship She got very drunk that night and openly and embarrassingly in front of everyone told me that she'd fuck me if I wanted I was very thrown by this and I told my wife later that night whilst we were FaceTiming To my surprise, she told me to go for it Like, huh? Because I only get to see her once a month You might imagine that often it is quite dusty in the basement if you know what I mean So she told me it was cool to hook up with this woman. Is it actually cool to do this?

I feel like kind of weird about it. Hence my email, but my wife gave me a very clear go ahead Why is she so cool with this? Do you think it's because she may be getting it on with some guy on the side too? I used to trust my wife implicitly, but this has given me second guessing Anything you guys could add would be great. Thanks Eli. This is so weird because it's like he's got this amazing pass and he's You're squandering this opportunity because he's he's just like wait a minute if I do it wait a minute Did you already? Yeah, but like who cares you're allowed like you want to you want to take her up on it Like this is cool. Like why is she so cool with it? I guess I want it. Wait a second now. I'm really mad Nothing bad has happened yet except she said you could fuck somebody else. Yeah, but isn't like his mind immediately went to

She's cheating on me. Is it? Yeah, are you would you give her your some someone your significant other pause if she said that I? Guess I wouldn't I would my I wouldn't be like Okay. Yeah, I guess you said you said go ahead. Wait a second. That must mean you're treat like I Feel like I would have a way longer comfort like are you really being serious? Do you want to have an open relationship? You can't be serious You know what I would do I think this is the best of both worlds you do it and don't tell your wife about course Yeah, that way. It's totally guilt-free. She doesn't know that you did it. Yeah, and technically it's not cheating And she allowed it, but like how do you tell that to the co-worker?

Cuz she's like you tell her the full story you say I talked to my wife and she said that I could yeah The question is will it become weird at work and probably yes, of course Yeah, you were having an extra marital affair affair with a co-worker. So that's bad. Is it an affair though if it's allowed I think it's still an affair if it's outside of the marriage, right? I don't know what the definition of an affair is We're getting into semantics here. That's not the issue The issue is what does he do and it did his wife? I feel like his wife agreed to this because maybe she's just like It probably isn't because she's cheating on you. I feel like that's something dudes do I bet his wife is saying this because maybe she feels bad that he is all the way in Ohio alone

Mm-hmm, and she's like I'm not giving him enough satisfaction It could be a test and if he does it it could be one of those situations where he's like doing it is definitely failing If it's a test there's no test. We're fucking it. It's a test to see if you got cojones brother. Do ya? Do you have it guts? Mmm, I probably would be too scared to do it still. Yeah, it's it is it's one of those things where like you're It's like you're I'm you asked to do something that was like not What's You have to do something that was sort of like bad and your mom is like, yeah, you know what go ahead

You right like don't find you don't have a curfew tonight. You're like well Really cuz I don't want to get in trouble. It's like oh all right fine. I'm gonna come home at 11 anyway Like the in the absence of rules. Do you still behave? Yeah, like like during the purge I'm probably just at home watching TV just in case the rules are off or I'm checking the calendar wrong Mm-hmm. I'm still taking a fucking baseball bat to anybody who tries to come in right and that's guilt-free the purge. Yeah That's allowed in the purge, but I'm still because I feel like I have you some people have a internal moral compass that even in a lawless chaos dystopian or utopian depending on your definition

It doesn't allow you to act at a turn like if murder became legal would we do it right? How many people would I had I had a conversation with my brother at actually two nights ago He started strangling you Hypothetical I came up with something that I thought was really wise and I'm gonna share it now. Okay It just this whole lens into a blue apron ad You don't have to go to the grocery store and you don't know what amounts of basil to buy I told him in life. There are little boys big boys and men

Do you want to go with this? Little boys follow the rules because they are told to okay big boys break the rules because they say hey Fuck you. No one tells me what to do. Yeah, but men do the right thing even though they weren't asked Okay, that's right you guys can if you are on an iPhone Just rewind press the press a little 15 second rewind button twice and you will hear that golden nugget of knowledge And this it is free again. That is it is free to listen. It's free the first time if you want to listen to a second I'm Venmo me Venmo me five bucks through techsjake.com so

two things one Why is it two types of boys and then men shouldn't it be like because it's sort of just like that? All right boys teenagers and men or something like that Yeah, but like it's a little more poetic to say little boys big boys because that's sort of like that Are you a little boy or you a big boy? I feel like there's three and you're saying the first two are like little versions of each other and then there's a man Right, it's like there's boys. There's little men and then there's big men. No It's little boys big boys. I know I know what you said, but I'm just saying it

I've got it's the I am the artist of this of the saying you kid I mean, I'm not the first person to say something like this. There's other obviously I am the best person that I think I said Yeah, I mean, it's like songwriting and poetry. I these are the words that I chose to express myself and I think they're perfect and You know clearly you've got an issue and I wish you'd grab a tissue You can make it you can put your own spin on it You know you want to you want to categorize it a little more than I did I want to say in in life There are birdies there are giraffes and then there are little boys Actually, I like that a little bit

It's kind of like drugs in the beginning. You don't smoke weed because it's forbidden Then that's a little boy if you're pretty cool you start smoking weed. You're a big boy But then if you're really really cool, you're like, I don't like smoking weed. I don't like what it does to me I actually don't like it. Yeah, now you're a man. Yeah. Well, see this is actually this is I think this is where I Came up with it cuz like were you high during this? Okay, I was stoned out of his fucking mind. Yeah, you were baked. I was waked and baked you had a wheat thin I had a weed thin You ever do weed brownies me and my brother made weed wheat fence

We things You know you're talking to a kid He's like, hey, are you being are you want to want to be a little boy or a big boy little boys? I'm gonna have to change your diaper a big boy. You go to the potty all by yourself Yeah, it's like that and if you're a man you get your own frickin diaper. Yeah, and I'll shit where I want I Make money so I buy depends and I shit in them While I'm driving a hot hot burrito snack for later. I say So how does this relate to this? Oh because if you're a man you wouldn't do it just because of your own internal

Yeah, like I in an ideal world you just don't want to cheat on your wife even though she gave you a go-ahead Yeah, I wonder if that's true. I guess that's like why the test is in place. That's why yeah Do you not cheat on your wife because of how she'll react or do you not cheat on her because of? You or own You feel like that would be Disrespecting her implicitly. Yeah, like your penis sort of belongs to her at that point, right? I think I mean when it comes to cheating at least for me personally it's It's never about like I can't cheat because I

My heart will stray right I can fuck a million people and not feel anything for any of them That'd be awesome. You can fuck a million people. Yeah, dude in a fucking row with no break Like that's how they're geographically located not like time-wise in a row Oh, no, I would have to take a week and a half. Yeah a million weeks seven million days. How long do I live for? But I think it's it's also wrong to say like the only thing that keeps you from cheating is that somebody will get mad Because it's not necessarily just about that person being mad. It's about like it's not about the result It's but I mean in a way. It's kind of just like yeah You know I you don't cheat on somebody you love because it would hurt them

But it's not like I don't I don't want to cheat on someone I love because I'll get in trouble, right? It's the the actual like emotional damage you're doing. Yeah, and for me It's mostly about like I I think if I ever cheated on someone I would feel it's like I'm so Nice and that I don't cheat but then it's for a personal reason because it's like I would feel too bad And I wouldn't be able to handle it. So like am I still being just as nice as a guy who? Doesn't cheat because they think that they don't want to hurt their significant other if my reasoning is flawed, right? So you're so selfish why you don't yes Because you're like that I think that makes you a better person if you don't cheat because you would feel bad during it

Yeah, you're definitely a better person because you're way less of an actual risk like I don't cheat because I Would make the other person feel bad, but every once in a while I stopped caring about that and that's fine for the night. Yeah fine for the night fuck being polite I'm saying So if I were you I would not do it because I'm a wiener man I'm a scared little wiener boy, and if I were you I wouldn't do it because you don't want to fuck with the Relationship that you have with your wife. So you wouldn't do it because you're a man and I wouldn't do it because I'm a little boy. I Guess so but also full disclosure. I I already have done it

Fucked your coworker. I probably would do it if given the green light fucking all even take it I'll speed through yellow since I'm a therapist on the matter. I would say I think it would make your life worse to do It but I think if you put your glasses on I would respect your opinion a little bit more. Okay, here we go and I'd feel too guilty. What oh my god. Oh wait What a fucker Don't do it do it. Oh my god those glasses. You're not a math problem 14 times 14

188 that's close It's 196 it came up last episode, and I didn't know it so as somebody tweeted that at me 14 squared 196 Of course, of course now. We know Let's take a break. We'll be right back with more questions This show is sponsored by better help. Thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious Stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and

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Potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online You can do an online store. They have 24 7 live customer support email campaigns Data you can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude Com I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me Or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life Maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season a summer birthday coming up who doesn't want a website

So the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com Slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain Again squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace We have a new show to announce. Whoa, we're going going back back to Cali Cali. Yeah, we're doing a show at Irvine Nice. Yeah, Southern, California our first show in Orange County. Hell, yeah at the Irvine Improv When I believe October 14th solid

it's gonna be our first show in Orange County our first and In a while in Southern, California So if you're around so Cal and you haven't seen one of our live podcasts, it's a big cool theater 500 seats Oh my god, wait, are we selling tickets? We are selling tickets. Oh, then we should really try to sell it. Yeah, okay. Go, okay Uh, hey, come yo, we're gonna get fucked up. You're gonna have fun. We're all gonna rage. We're gonna roll face What are you talking about? I'm gonna hand out little packets of Molly for everybody Okay, if I can't sell tickets I'll sell drugs I'm not even doing a show come to the Irvine Improv and I will sell you a weed

Fuck yeah, we my brother making wheat thin weeds. I love that Our last couple shows have been so fun. We were in Australia. That was crazy We were in Montreal Thomas Middleton. She joined us there Maybe we can get a special guest to come out in this episode. Oh, man. Who knows it is Not be able to deliver not promising. We're just saying that's an idea I have it might be fun if we do get one. Yes, so if you're at In or around Irvine or Southern California in general Wednesday, October 14th You can go to the Irvine improv.com to get tickets for that show. Yeah, come on

I'm also doing so a one-act show a one-act play a reading. Oh, yeah Where I am in Ontario It's a much smaller coffee shop after it closes down. I break in and I just start reading Some of my own shit actually people go keep people cannot get and no it's close to the public. I periscope it Live stream it. That's another thing. We want it to do Facebook allows you to do live streams now Yeah, we should get into that. We're going to this is a reminder. You guys can hold us accountable. Yes We're recording this on a Sunday night. This episode's going up in a couple hours I don't know what that means to you. I don't know if you want to say something or announce something like

What do you want people to know tomorrow? Monday, August 24th tomorrow. I'm gonna I'm going to do you and I are gonna work out. Yeah in the morning Yeah, so maybe if you're listening to this, we're working out. Yeah, yeah We are doing a deck of cards. Yeah. Yeah, you guys can all do it with us, which is Something your brother taught you. Yeah, I might have told the story on the podcast how the first time I did it I threw up Right. It's just like every suit is a different exercise. Yeah, so so you have a whole entire deck of cards You shuffle it up. You assign a different exercise like

hearts are Squats hearts are squats diamonds are burpees. Uh-huh, and then like each thing is a is a value obviously So like the ace is 14, right? And it and an eight is a six and a four is a nine obviously and so on so far so So you turn over a card and you just whatever Workout, it's you do it. Yeah, and what does it add up to the one through 14? You're ended up doing like what 60 70 things of everything. I have no idea

But whatever it is, it's like fucking really hard you get to wrench to it's way It sounds like CrossFit right sounds dangerous look close to CrossFit. Yeah, but CrossFit's like all about maxing out too Yeah, like you don't max out with any of this. This do you use weights or you're just using your own? Well, I think tomorrow we're gonna use the 25 pound dumbbells for the squats. Oh, that's a weight. Yeah We don't have 25. We only have 30s. Oh even better Even harder, so maybe we should do Five-sixths of the number that way. It's like we're doing 25 pounds now. Let's just beast it. All right. I love that Headgum, I think we're gonna add some new podcasts to the network this week. Oh, so I was just talking about our exercise. Yeah

Yeah, of course we're adding new podcasts to the network. I can't be for certain But if you go to headgum.com and see a couple new shows You're not freaking out we're expanding our family with some awesome new content So if you're bored after this podcast, there's always more episodes on it headgum.com. I think David young was on streeters talk of shame. Oh, I haven't listened to that yet But we'll put a little clip of that at the end of this episode. It was really funny Oh, he has one episode. He has one story about meeting Dave Matthews, which I think you would really like Oh, really? He gets really really nervous about meeting Dave. That's so funny

Are you have you Dave? Have you and David young talked about your love of Dave Matthews? No, I didn't know that he loved Dave Matthews. Yeah, he says it was like his his most influential and best musician of the 90s Wow. Yeah, that's really amazing That's why he was named David. Of course. Yeah That makes sense. He did change his name to Dave Yeah, all right Shall we answer one last question? Yeah, last one But then we really really have to eat

I'm so hungry You're crying. Yeah, I'm not stalling. I am just crying. Um, which one should we read? Oh, here's one. All right Another dude's name Ricardo that's one of your friends. Yeah, sure. Why not? Ricardo writes I've always loved eating pussy And like Jake I enjoy you go to rimming while I'm down there That's licking the asshole in case the phrase doesn't travel my girl my girlfriend enjoys this too But there's one complication her asshole is kind of hairy not dirty or stinky just a bit hairy Her pussy is totally Hollywood. I might add she waxes on the reg by her own volition

But because she waxes herself believing salons to be overpriced here in London She doesn't complete the job front to back it is by no means a deal breaker just smooth skin feels better on the tongue Ain't as wise or other She's kind of sensitive and it's her body So I'd rather broach the topic in a subtle rather away rather than making her feel pressure to do anything She doesn't want she hates the pain of waxing So I've offered to do it for her which surprisingly she's up for but even then I think flipping her over and tending to her Ass might embarrass or upset her if you were me. What would you do to try to move towards a less hairy rimming experience?

PS I also wanted to positively review the text Jake experience was just one purchased text and a little embellishment I went from silent treatment to o-face with a previous lady in my tinder days. Ha ha Are people still texting Jake? On a the slower rate, but it's still coming in Yeah, I there's been a couple times where I was like, maybe we should stop doing it because it's not like I Don't know It's like kind of hard to keep up with right because there's still like five to ten a week But and I have to answer within 24 hours and apologies to some of y'all cuz I don't always get to do it

You're only one man, but Yeah, I mean like you owe it to society Yeah, cuz every like every once in a while every time I'm thinking I don't want to do it anymore somebody Sends a question that I'm like damn. I like I'm really happy. I got to weigh it. I'm happy I got to influence this you saved somebody. Yeah, and I mean with this I got somebody lay it. That's great What a fucking amazing power That was without your glasses All right, so

This dude Harry butthole ever experienced something like that Yeah, I think definitely. Yeah, so Like I mean cuz he's saying it's not even like Harry to it's not like Harry Overly Harry, right? It's just a little hair and he doesn't want anything. Yeah, it's tough I mean, I've never had a Harry butthole for more than a couple times like it's like this matters Who had a Harry butthole? I'll tell you after the podcast, but there was a mouth it to me Who? I can't read lips fucker clearly whisper it audibly

Hold on. Let me let me name. Let me think of a name that someone that I've never it couldn't be like possibly so I can finish this bit So like ask me who did it it's like just mouth who was it just mouth it Nice So you did an Alicia for a year. Yeah, but she had a completely barren ass But what I'm saying is if it's just a hookup it doesn't quite matter But this is like a real relationship a girl that you have to revisit So it's a bigger deal. I was gonna suggest what he did which is Offered a shave her and then he can just do it himself. I feel like that's not embarrassing if he's like, oh look what I just found

I guess One thing to consider is that she's like I don't think it will embarrass her because once she did say that she wanted you to wax her To you already spend time licking her asshole, right? So it seems like she won't be Totally averse to you being near it And I think maybe the way to do it is not by saying let's wax your act asshole Maybe you just say like I'll let's do like a Brazilian which is the buttocks as well And maybe she'll know that yeah, maybe you can be like alright done with the front and now to navigate the thicket That is your but hole, but she he also he doesn't you don't need a like full-on flip somebody over if it's just the butthole

You could just you know Do a little wax drip down Yeah, and then you say the change should I should I wax or use a machete to get through the rainforest? That is your anus. I mean my god Well, I also think that if you are so into the butthole that you want to lick it That a little bit of hair shouldn't throw you off the way it is Maybe a little bit of hair or maybe it's more than a little bit of hair And maybe it does if everything else is barren a hair in the butthole is worth two in the stink. I

mean like I Don't care about hair. I guess. Oh either butthole or a vaget. No You're calling this guy out for not actually being an ass man. I just don't think you're a true ass Well, I mean a true ass man will navigate through a true a true fan will actually deal with the hair So I just don't want I just don't want a body shame or hair shame anybody That's that's a thing or maybe not, but it could be and I feel like that's I Mean I'd walk through sand to watch a football game Seriously, so this guy should have to deal with this hairy situation to get his promise land

Yeah, there's not hair like on the actual rim of the asshole, which it seems to be what you want to lick now You ain't licking it right I guess I'm not sure I've ever given like a room top to somebody with a very hairy ass. I think I have Probably have mom you did not listen to the podcast, right? Okay, good So I can just continue to tell you not to listen or not because you're not listening if you are listening. I'll stop And I'm sorry Have you ever had a sandwich with bean sprouts? Yes, okay, so you know how sometimes you take a bite out of it and

What pulls away is this tuft of sprouts? Yeah, so let's say this guy is down there Perhaps he can do you're asking him to bite off her ass hair. What are you talking about? I didn't even get there yet, but you were you not gonna say that yeah I was gonna say that but don't steal my thunder. Oh, no that thunder is all yours doc So you're down there, right? Oh, and what you do is you bite off the ass hair You're the butt man that grosses you out Biting off someone's ass hair. Yeah, that grosses. Oh god for me. Are you kidding me? You prude You're a prude dude. You're a little boy a big boy. I mean, I didn't have my brother pull out my back hair this week

Actually one by one. Yeah, you yanked them all out with his teeth actually. Yep Yeah, so I so I understand that it's hot Don't don't get me incest. I'm into the teeth pulling. Is there a brother brother gay porn? Probably, right? Yeah, there's other sister regular porn. Yeah, probably I haven't ever Got down that rabbit hole, but yeah, I bet it exists yet So this guy I'm gonna say if I were you if you're already waxing her and she feels that comfortable with you I feel like you can either do it without telling her or do it and say let me get let me flip you around and get The little hair that you have left like down there. You don't have to say it's but hair

It's like oh, it actually keeps going right like who's to say that I got here to yeah I think there's a way to downplay it. That's true I also think you could maybe do like I'm too nervous I can't wax you but I want to like pay for you to get a really nice wax because like and it's painful Probably to do it by yourself like get a nice professional one. Yeah, and then maybe that's a nice little compromise because you are If she wants to wax but it causes her too much pain But she does want to go to a salon because it's too expensive Then you say I will pay for you to go to a salon because I enjoy it so much

Yeah, I don't want you to feel any pain and then when she's at the salon you say you slip the wax or a 20 You say, uh, why don't you get rid of her some minor while you're at it? I think that don't forget the Panama canal That's a version of Of it being okay It really is complex because like You can't be a person who like Demand somebody do

That yeah, because like waxing is a painful experience and getting your asshole wax like I wouldn't do that for anybody Right, would you do that for someone to wax somebody's butthole? No, would you have your asshole wax? If your significant other was like, hey, I love licking your asshole, but I want it to be bare I'm already doing you a favor by letting you lick it. You want to do that I think I'm going I'm backtracking fully. I don't think you can ask somebody like one. Can I lick your asshole too? Can you painfully remove all the hair from it so I can lick it? Uh, if you like but if you like getting it licked then it's like, oh, that's your payment

Right, so it's like, oh, you'll look my butt. I'll make sure it's clean. I guess it's one of the it's like the The pure heart rule the expectation if everybody's good with it if everybody's happy if it makes you crappy Oh, nice. I like that. Yeah, and why are you so smooth? Uh, all right, that's it. Let's get at the fuck out of here. Let's get that out of here I'm gonna still I'm gonna toss in turn with this tonight. I'm not sure. Yeah This one's gonna keep me up It's like a doctor thinking about the patients will be lost If you have your own questions or your own theme song submissions like karuna powers and like uh

Eli and Ricardo, uh, send them all over to ifirvueshow at gmail.com We also need facebook thumbnail submissions. Also, if you're at your computer and you're feeling extra helpful Why don't you subscribe to our show on itunes? There's yeah, that still goes a long way. Yeah Rating and leaving us positive reviews is super super duper helpful. So if you've done it, thank you guys so much We have over a thousand positive reviews, which is great But the more the merrier, you know, if you're not doing anything We hate to inconvenience you in any way

Uh, that's it same time next week everybody the opening theme song again was written by keenon aka karuna powers And this closing one is from nick and chris Good night, everybody and have a pleasant thursday gracias Hmm monday. I meant one two one two three four Once I killed a dog

Then the dog had sex with my girl friend So I emailed jake Then I thought I'd email amir Jake and amir Are here to tickle your ear And then to fuck your soul Into clarity Into clarity

If I were you Into clarity If I were you Into clarity Basically, um, we closed the door we knew her dad had a key Um to your room to both of the rooms. We didn't like close the door anything We were just like let's go. We were just stupid. So oh, no, no, that's not true We did close the door and he had the key to both of the rooms. So we

Flynn remembers it as we close the door to the bathroom to Like we didn't use the thing on the hotel door like the latch. We like close the door to Meet up with the entrance door. Okay, so you try you almost tried to like wedge it. Yeah, exactly Yeah, so like we close the door. So it was locked but then we put something else there So like if he opened it it would like bump into the bathroom door. So We and on top of that Flynn said like do you want to take a shower and like So we get in the shower start, you know kissing Yeah

This is a mistake So when you started doing it and My this is I'm missing parts of the story my luggage hadn't come yet either So like I didn't have any luggage at that point So I would the clothes that I took off to Get in the shower wore the clothes that I had to wear until I got my clothes I don't know what happened to them, but Flynn remembers it very vividly. So we move from the shower to the bed and as we start hooking up on the bed things grow very quickly and

We started doing it. Yeah, and almost instantly Once upon insertion There's a knock at the door. It's her mom and dad and they're like hey guys guys. Can we come in? That was a hit gun podcast