If I Were You - 172: Airplane Romance (w/Jon Gabrus!)

Episode Date: September 7, 2015

Friend/comedian/fellow HeadGum Podcaster Jon Gabrus joins us to discuss friendship, fire, fitness, and flying.This episode is brought to you by MeUndies and Squarespace!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum podcast. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you. Where would you guess that guy's from? He's not from America. Canada. So sure. That was actually Joe Kim from Sweden. Joe Kim from Sweden.

Thank you for writing that love song, I think, to our podcast. Yeah, wow. I pictured you guys singing that to each other. To each other. Honestly, that was way too earnest of a recording for a podcast. That upset me how serious that dude just took it. Joe Kim, great work, but just write your own music. You just wrote, you worked that hard and developed that song for a fucking podcast.

Imagine really crewed. Imagine. He went for broke with the lyrics of the, or with the, not the lyrics. The lyrics. I thought if he went for broke with the lyrics, he just said the title of the podcast. He kept a lot of money. What's the opposite of going for broke? He kept it rich.

He kept it rich. Yeah, for the name, the lyrics. But thank you, Joe Kim, for submitting that song. John Gabriel. Amir Blumenfeld. And? Jake Hurwitz. I should have let you guys say it.

This is second time on the show. First time as a podcaster on our network. Yeah, I'm here solely to network. I'm here, I'm here just to get listeners. Hey guys, if you're listening to whatever the fuck this show is called, if I were you, hang up. Is that a thing? Hang up right now.

It's got a phone. Log on to High and Mighty Podcast. Connect to my FTP server and listen. Spreaker.org. Don't know things. Thank you, Spreaker.com for free hosting. Nice. Now, please check out High and Mighty Podcast.

All right. Thank you. That's it. Next week. Joe Kim comes back. If I were you, if I were you. Joe Kim is a blind Italian man, right? Opera singer.

You guys don't have to stop when I adjust the levels. That was supposed to be surreptitious. It wasn't supposed to be part of the show. Oh, it was a major part of the show. But you then also brought up the fact that you changed levels, called us out for stopping. You've officially made it part of the show. Oh man, is this the show? Is this what the show is?

If I were you, I'd just fucking change levels and keep my mouth shut. Yeah, bitch. You are fucking coming to play. Hey, this is also my studio now, motherfucker. We're equals. You not own the network. Oh, wait, never mind. You're getting applesauce on the microphone.

This is not. It was apples originally. Everything you eat is applesauce. You're never swallowing a whole apple. That's my Demetri Martin joke. You can never have an apple. You can only have applesauce. You may carry it around as an apple, but you turn it into applesauce in your mouth.

Especially on the way out. How do you like your show? The last time we... I hate it. I hate my podcast. Oh, already? I can't listen to it. It's boring.

Only three episodes deep and you're done with it. I can't believe how much I love... I mean, I know how much I love talking, but I can't believe... I would put my shit out twice a week if I could. Why can't you? I think I have a feeling why. I can't honestly... I don't know if anyone's ever talked about this on an If I Were You,

but Jake and Amir have a lot of steps that lead up to the studio. Oh, no, we haven't actually. Yeah, there's a lot of steps lead up to the studio. I think that's the number one thing preventing me from recording twice a week. Oh, really? Just the stairs. Yeah, I can't come to... Oh, Jesus.

I can't come to any parties or anything like that just because of the stairs. You were not at our party. Yeah, it's prohibitive. Those stairs are prohibitive. I see why you did that. To keep you out. To keep me out specifically. Like, we got to get this place.

It's the only thing that keep gamers from just wandering into our house and going through our picnic baskets. You haven't released your Taco Bell episode, right? No, I haven't. So you've released three episodes so far. The first one is just me and Jake and you talking about what the show will be. Right. And we don't land on anything.

I can't be more clear about that. It's like a Charlie Kaufman episode. The second episode is you talking about Predator with your friends. Yes, me talking about Predator with Ben Rogers and Ryan Stanger. And then the third one was you giving sex advice with your other friend. With my other friend, John Flynn, Ron Lethario. And then when does this episode come out? Like a week from Monday.

So you'll have the fourth episode, the Eugene episode. I think the Taco Bell one might be out. Oh, yeah. So by the time you listen to this, I should have my fitness episode immediately followed by my Taco Bell. Sex, then fitness, then Taco Bell. If that's not my trifecta, I don't know what is. Which kind of says it all.

Yeah, that's all you need. Fuck lift weights, eat gorditas. That's what my tattoo says. Solid life goals. Hashtag life goals. L-Y-F. When we were on your show, you were talking about how you wanted to get into better shape. Yeah.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'm Jack now. Oh, really? Yeah. For all the listeners at home. You guys can't see this. I'm ripped.

Gabris is in lifeguard shape all over the world. Yeah. I'm in a speedo doing burpees. Whenever I'm not talking, I'm surreptitiously, I can't even say the word. Say it again? Surreptitiously. No. Surreptitiously.

Surreptitiously. I'm surreptitiously doing burpees whenever I can. I'm having fun here, guys. No, we're having a good time. But you know what this show is. It's an advice podcast. Yeah, I've been on it. Yeah.

So we're going to be reading real emails from real people dispensing our wisdom. Yeah, because you've lived like what most would consider a full life. You've lived a normal full life and you're willing to give advice. You've never seen the film Top Gun, right? I haven't seen Top Gun, actually. I haven't. You haven't. Yeah.

Okay, then you're not allowed to give any advice. You haven't seen Top Gun. You haven't seen Top Gun. I guess you can give advice to like a fucking Kuwaiti national, but you can't give advice to Americans if you've never seen Top Gun. All of your advice should be prefaced with, well, I haven't seen Top Gun, but this is what I think you should do. But here's how I treat acne.

I don't know who ice and maverick are, per se. Ice man. Come on. What's your next predator type movie going to be? There's a toss up. We're talking either Bloodsport or Commando. We will get to all three, and at some point I have to do a special episode about my favorite film of all time, Big Trouble and Little China.

But I think that's got to be special. I'm trying to get someone to do that movie. Yeah, wait till episode 100, which should be in a week or two. We're going to be doing two a days like you wanted. Two a days. Hey, guys. Gabor's just putting out three and a half hours of content a day about action movies. There's like five people in the world that care about this and one that has the time

to do it. It's him. All right, can you give me a fake guy's name for this first question? Sure. How about Wraith? Oh, Wraith. F-E or T-H-E? Let's do F-E, Wraith.

A few days ago I was on a flight to London and I got on the plane and sat down next to an absolute dime. I opened up the conversation with some terrible joke about the in-flight menu, and somehow we got to talking. I feel like we really hit it off. There were a few times where she gestured to her ears as if they were hurting due to weird pressure, and I asked her if she wanted to nap or not talk when we landed, and she replied that she enjoyed talking too much to stop, and then we had a giggle.

After we landed, we were close to leaving the plane, and she saw me take out my phone and told me her name on Facebook and to add her. Also when we almost left the airport, I gave her directions to the nearest train, and she gestured to her cheeks for a true French goodbye. Anyways, it's been two days since I added her on Facebook and she hasn't replied yet. I don't know, I don't really know what to do as this doesn't happen to me often. Any ideas? PS, if she does respond, how do I ask her out?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, love Wraith. This guy's where? He was flying to London. I don't know if he's British or not, but he sat down next to a lady who asked him to add her on Facebook, and then she just never replied to him. But she was French or something? She was French, yeah.

Oh, got it. She gave the double cheek kiss. Yeah, it's funny that they call French kissing in America, it's like with tongue, but in actuality. They gave me a true French goodbye, you know, that's where you bend over and she puts two fingers knuckle deep in you. I like constructed this really elaborate thing that I wish this was. I wish it was Spencer Stone, the hero who stopped the gunman on the French train.

That's what you were imagining this is? That he wrote this email before he boarded that train. Yeah, and it's like, oh, he's like, check that. Never mind. I'm good. I'm ripping and pooing. How do I talk to this girl? Oh, actually, I'm a hero now.

I stopped a robber. A robber? A murderer. Excuse me. A robber. This is not the fucking old, this is not the old West. That's what he said, that he said he was going to rob the train. Maybe he was.

You, you are, you're not a patriot. You haven't seen Top Gun. Have you ever, have you ever sat next to a hot girl on a plane? Isn't that like the sort of like every time you're getting onto a flight, that's sort of the in the back of your head, a cool thing that you hope happens. Like you see someone boarding like, oh, that's, there's an attractive person. What are the odds that I sit down next to them? Yeah, they're so small.

Like I've, I think I've only ever sat next to it. I flew a lot too. And I've only ever sat next to one attractive girl and also on a plane. A five is an eight. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Let's just break down women's look. Because if you're fat, but on a plane, I'll fuck you. Because the gravity, it actually makes you way less. Welcome back to the feminist episode. I know what you mean. I know what you mean though. It's like, also it's the classic like subway ride in the subway in New York. You just look around and you're like, all right, who's the hottest girl on the subway?

I can just stare at them until they fucking pepper spray me. Your standards go down because you're, it's such a few select people that like if you're sitting next to a girl who is even your age, that's like such a, that's such a huge anomaly. Like, whoa, all right. This person's as old as I am and the opposite sex. So they're really hot. And then if they're actually hot, it's like, I don't even know what you do. Yeah.

They're a terrorist at that point. They're technically a terrorist. Yeah. What would happen if they, they were super hot, chatty, and then all of a sudden they're like, beep, beep, beep, beep. You're like, no. I still fuck you. Now imagine this from the other, other direction.

You're an attractive lady on an airplane. You look around. You're like, fuck every single guy on this flight wants to sit next to me. Regardless of where I sit, it will be next to one of them. I will have to have a conversation. Oh, every time a girl flies, they have to have a conversation with somebody. Dude, every time a girl walks down the street. She has to react to people just saying shit at her.

That's a fucking living nightmare. If you're a woman, how do you like ever get stoned? Because people just want to immediately start talking to you. Yeah. You're like nervous to go get coffee. Right. Getting coffee is like, you'll just get hit. Yeah.

It's like putting your arm into a fucking polar bear cage recovered in salmon. Oh, Jesus. I was saying the, like when I think I don't, when a hot girl gets on a plane, I don't say, I hope she's sitting next to me because I immediately, I'm also married, but I immediately put myself in her head and I know she's looking at the empty seat next to mine and going, Oh, please don't let it be. Yeah. That because I am the worst person to fly next to because I'm visibly outside of the seat.

Like my shoulders go, one shoulder goes into the eye. All the other shoulder goes into the other seat. So you're looking at me in this part. Whoever that is is like, oh fuck. Your head is in the lavatory at all times. My feet are in the exit row. When you fly with your lady, do you guys do back to back or do you guys do middle aisle or aisle window?

I hope that nobody takes the middle. We do next to each other. Middle aisle. Right. We do middle aisle or if we have our dog with us, we do window middle. Oh, you have the dog needs a seat. What? The dog needs a seat.

He doesn't need a seat, but we just want to put like a person away from us. We don't want the dog to be in the aisle. Like we want him to be tucked away at the window. How often do you fly with a dog? A couple of times a year, you know, holidays and stuff. Wow. How does that work? He's an emotional support dog.

Oh, is that how you get away with it? Yeah. Does it have to be called that? Yeah. We have a prescription for him, more or less. Does he actually go and do emotional support stuff? You don't have to do anything to be an emotional support dog. That's like saying I'm too afraid to fly without my dogs.

Right. Now he's legally obligated. Emotional support dogs are mostly for people with anxiety so that they feel more comfortable in certain environments. And that's what people use as the loophole to get their dogs into casinos or whatever. He's also a seeing eye dog. Yeah, yeah. Gabbers has to wear sunglasses.

I'm his seeing eye person. He's a blind dog. So he's emotional support for my wife, but I got to guide him on to the point. He's going to New York. I'm just along for the ride. Yeah, I'm flying back right when we land. It's like a courier. One time I sat next to a hot older woman on the plane.

There was a seat in between us. It was a red eye on Virgin and I was super high and I was watching some stupid movie. It was a red eye for you too. Well, it was a red eye, virgin red eye. I'm a virgin red eye. My red eye is not a virgin. Nice. What?

But I do have an a virgin. Two red eyes, one brown eye. Neither are virgins. Wait, he got fucked in the eyes? And she was like an attractive woman, a coog, a milf, if you will. And there was a seat in between us. And all of a sudden, it was like an insane, oh, the first thing I dozed off and when I woke up, she was climbing over me, like straddling.

And I was like, whoa. And she's like, sorry, sorry, sorry. Oh, you were asleep? I just didn't want to wake you up. I was like, what is this, a fucking sex fantasy? I'm hard as a rock right now. It's actually happened to me twice, one time flying back from Amsterdam. I woke up and like a teenage girl, like a 19-year-old girl, I shouldn't say teenage girl.

She was like 19 or 20, was standing on my two armrests. I woke up and her legs were on my armrests. I was like, woke up because she touched me and her vagina was at my eye level. And I was like, sorry, sorry. And I thought, and she had like an accent. She was like, I did not want to wake you. And I was like, this is fucking great. If there's a way to wake up, it's with a stranger's box in your eye line.

That's your other tattoo. If I'm going to sleep, I'd better wake up with a box in my eye line. So this box, this older, this woman, we end up having, it's the most turbulent flight I've ever been on. It's like dropping, you know, it's like skipping like a fucking disc man. And she's panicking. And she's like, and I'm like, are you okay? Do you want me to get you a drink or something like that?

She's like, I'm just really scared. I'm like, hey, it's okay. You know, this is just turbulence. It's like hitting potholes. We're just going to be fine. And we're going to be fine. She's like, I've never been on a plane like this. I'm like, it's all right.

It's okay. And then I just go back to watching the movie and my hand is on the middle seat, which is empty. And she just grabs my middle hand, grabs my hand, my middle hand. She grabs the old middle hand. The one eye middle hand. Make it firm. And then she leans over and puts her head on my hand.

And I, she's like, I hear, I feel her cry. I feel her cry. That's so hot. She's crying like onto my hand. Holy shit. Yeah. And what happened after? We get through all the turbulence and like, I just, she just holds my hand through the

whole thing. Like squeezing. I'm like, it's okay. And I just, I'm watch, I'm super high watching a movie. I'm watching like fast six or something like that. And I keep taking my earbuds out and going like, it's going to be okay. You're doing great. Or whatever.

Just like arbitrage. Harnessing your inner Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel is actually a pretty good actor. Well, like as a husband, I'm used to trying to watch a movie while like playing with a sleeping girl's hair or rubbing my wife's feet, like as a way for me to just get through a movie. Like, yeah, I love you. I got you.

So I was doing that. And after the flight, she's like, you're my hero. And I was like hugging me and she's like, you know, and I was like, Hey, it's been a real pleasure. Oh my God. But I feel like A, it would be taking a, I mean, it would be cheating. But if I was single, I feel like that would have been the, I would have given her, I would have gotten her Facebook name.

Yeah. You would have been like this guy. Yeah. That guy who's like what, let's get back to his advice. Wait, what, what are you talking about? What do you do? He only added her on Facebook and she hasn't responded. He needs to write her a message.

Right. He's like, how do I know how to ask her out? Here's how. Ask her out right now. Yeah, you moron. She's like, if you're ever in, I would say, Rafe, if you write her, if you're, hey, if you're ever in my part of town or if you know in the future you're going to be in wherever her part of town is, town being Europe here.

Exactly. Just say, let's meet up and grab a coffee. I had a great time on the flight. Guys, a lot of people overthink asking people out. Right. And doing it online. It's up to you to not make it weird. Doing it online is that there's no risk because you never actually see the rejection.

You just send out a message and then just forget about it. You forget about it. You're so innocuous like that. Like if you're ever in this part of town and you want to get a drink, that's him saying like, you can back out. I give you five outs. Yeah. There's no, yeah.

I'm not in that part of town. Like whatever, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And she doesn't even have to respond to that. Or like you can say, yeah, I'll let you know. That's it. That's no, essentially. I love, you know, dudes for some reason have no problem like, I tell it like it is, bro.

You talk to me. I'll talk to you however I want. Oh, this motherfucker here gave me the wrong, you know, the wrong drink. I'm going to tell him. Oh, this motherfucker here bumped it to me at the bar. I'm going to tell him, I like that girl. What do I do? You know, we're all alpha males until it's like, I think you're pretty.

Just tell her. Right. Just fucking tell people. Don't be a creep about it. But if she gave you her contact info. That was to be contacted. Unless you're in the city. Yeah.

Yeah. To be contacted. If just maybe to be friends, which is possible, but you're only going to find that out if you send this man. You can't just be like, well, now I have a cute girl as a Facebook friend. Yeah. You just ask her. You don't have to say like, Hey, how do you feel about a drink on Friday at seven 30?

Because that's something that's, I understand you fear rejection. That's something she says no to. Right. But if you're ever in my part of town or, Hey, I might be passing through, let me know if you'd want to get a drink or something. You know, yeah. Is it, is it cooler or more polite or more less cool or whatever to ask her out in person as soon as leaving?

That's what I would have said in an ideal world. Is it nicer to do it over the Facebook because then she's like, she doesn't have to confront you or lie to your face. And she doesn't want to. No, I think you gotta strike like while the iron's hot, while the, if you're, if you're vibing and she's telling you like, and you're laughing on the flight together and she's like, gives you her contact info. Yeah.

I feel like it. Unless it's unless it's like, she's transferring to a flight to France and you're staying in London. And you're like, um, if there's an opportunity that you're going to, like if you're going to the same place, if she's getting out and getting in a cab, I think you got to say like, Hey, if you're in town, if you're here for this week, let's meet up and grab a coffee or grab a drink or something. You got to go for it there.

Worst comes to worse. You have to unfriend someone on Facebook. But like, I think there's a way to ask for it in person that's also like, Hey, we should get a drink. She says, yes. You're like, all right, well, let me get your contact info. We can set it up. Yeah.

You don't want to like, it's not ever romantic to start doing logistics right there. Friday. Do you want me to pick you up at your hotel room? What hotel room are you staying in? And like, what's, why don't you just leave a key at the front desk? Right. Perfect. I'll just show up at midnight and come in and fuck.

It's true. Logistics are never sexy, but like you do have to get around to them eventually. But like get them done over text after. Yeah. Like going out to dinner with a girl can be romantic, but trying to find a place to go to dinner is literally the most unsexy thing you can do. I don't want Thai. Like, oh, I like anything.

All right. Well, I swear to God, being married, most of being married is trying to decide where to eat. That makes sense. Or being in a, I shouldn't say just married, being in any like long term relationship is just like deciding where to eat. Yeah. What'd you have for lunch?

Oh, you had Mexican. Fuck. I was dying for Mexican. But I'm willing to make the sacrifice by eating Italian and ordering the most Mexican thing on the menu. I will have the nachos of mozzarella and meatball. Mindfold me and tell me they're nachos. I'm begging you.

Just don't cook the pasta. Yeah. I'm a fucking idiot. Just give me dry raviolis with guacamole on it. Ravioli guacamole is my new cartoon show on that. Ravioli guacamole actually sounds like fucking dope. Yeah. It's paired with the regular show and Adventure Time.

You put like guacamole filled ravioli. Oh. Avocado guac. Avocado guac? Avocado raviolis. How do you make your guac without avocados? Just bananas. Mostly it's just lime juice and bananas.

Disgusting. But we have bananas. I always say that bananas and avocados feel like the same thing to a blind person. Yeah. Or if you're blind. You always say that. Yeah. Why are you always saying that?

What I was going to say is in the beginning of a relationship, the first couple of dates, everybody is overtly amenable. It's the complete opposite. Right. If I had Thai for lunch and a girl wanted to be like, let's go get Thai for lunch. I'm like, yes, let's do it. I'm not going to be like, no, I had Thai for lunch. Right.

I'm just going to be as agreeable as humanly possible. Yeah. You're never going to be like, oh, I can't have pads so you're going to give me diarrhea. When you're in a long term relationship, you're like, remember, I get diarrhea from chicken sausage. Chicken apple sausage. Chicken apple sausage. That Ardell's brand, that shit gives me diarrhea.

Really? Yeah. I don't know what it is. Don't you always have diarrhea? Yeah. I know that it does because it's food. So like name something else and that also gives me diarrhea. I like like where we've known each other for a long time.

I wouldn't consider ourselves that good of friends. But the fact that the one thing you do know about me is like, Jake's like, don't you always have diarrhea? I've listened to like three of your podcasts. It's mostly been about diarrhea. I should have a GI doctor on high and mighty. Oh, that'd be great. That'd be great.

It's really good. People love listening to talks about shit. If you can record yourself while getting a colonoscopy, I think that would be the ultimate. I'll go for it. I'll go for the colonoscopy. Yeah. At the very least, watch it. We should make it a special video episode.

But I like the idea of something specific giving you diarrhea because everything does. Yeah. It's like it's got to be bananas or avocado or water. Tostitos, hint of lime always gives me diarrhea also every other. Also lime, also tostitos, ice cubes, whether it's a hint or otherwise. Shit. How are we doing on time? Let's...

It's been two hours and 15 minutes. All right. Let's answer another question. Another dude's name. No, please. Oh. Blenden. See, if I had spoken, we would have never gotten blended.

We would have gotten something so much more magical, and you deprived us of that. First of all, I would like to say that I'm a shitbag for what I did, so no need to rip on me. Okay. Copy that. I insulted myself, so don't insult me. And at least I'll be able to listen to confirm whether you guys shit on me or not. All right.

What's this shitbag doing? Made my two best friends had a business where we shoplift clothes and sell them to people for cheaper. Not a business. We made stacks at first. But then when I wasn't there, my two friends got caught and busted for shoplifting. They were pretty pissed that I wasn't with them. They think I bailed on them or some shit.

So to get even with me, they told my girlfriend who is a smoke show but a bitch nonetheless. She flipped and won't talk to me anymore. What do I do? I have no girlfriend and no real friends left. Can I hit my boys or should I just forgive them? Thanks for all the help. I think he needs to get a lawyer and not necessarily podcast advice. That's really interesting.

Blenden is a criminal. Yeah. But he wasn't caught. Small time crook. Not caught. His friends were caught and then to even up the playing field that he wasn't with them. They told his girlfriend and now the girlfriend's mad at him. I would definitely be pissed at the friends.

Yeah. That's snitching, man. There is no honor among thieves though. Yeah. If you're only like he said, now he has no real friends. His only two real friends were dudes that he shoplifted with. Yeah. Yeah.

That's not the right crew. Yeah. Oceans three. Well, have you ever shoplifted? Have you ever stole shit? Have you ever had any schemes? Yeah. A bunch of times.

But then I became an adult. But those are your friends that when you're doing it with them. Right. Right. But I had other friends that didn't steal. You know what I mean? Like his only two friends. He lost all of his relationships because of stealing.

Yeah. First of all, three people. All three of his relationships. You know what? Honestly, I'm not trying to be a dick, Blenden, but if you refer to your girlfriend as a smoke show but a bitch nonetheless. Yeah. Yeah.

Don't have a girlfriend. Yeah. I don't think you need to come back. Clean slater. Yeah. Maybe join a club? Yeah. How about joining a gym?

Why do you get to have some spinning friends or something? These are my spin. These are my soul cycle friends. And these are my shoplifting friends. Yeah. They don't get along. For some reason, the Venn diagram of spinning and shoplifting is me. Did you have any schemes like that in high school or?

Not really schemes, but like, you know, we shoplifted. We stole lighters and like lit fires with them more or less. And then I burned down my entire elementary school playground. Is that true? Yeah. And I was brought home in Copcar. Whoa. It was my accident.

It was my accident. We were like lighting the grass on fire, then putting it out. And then it was just the whole thing. I had to call 911. I had to call the fire. How old were you? I was like 13. I went to summer camp the next day for a week and when I came home, like I didn't get

in trouble. My parents were like, my father drove me to the schoolyard and made me, he's like, get out of the car. Look at what you did. Oh my God. Look at that. And I had to stand and stare at the fucking burnt down field and he just kept saying, this is what you did.

Oh, I call it. She was so intense. Oh man. I'm getting like upset. Thank you. And I was watching people like in their backyards with like hoses trying not to let the fire spread to their house. Jesus Christ.

I feel awful. I feel awful. Wait, you did that? Yeah. Just you? Was it multiple people? It was a bunch of us, a bunch of people with us were like, we always did that. We would like shoplift like, you know, we were in, we were 12 or 13, we would shoplift

lighters and then like light bags of newspaper on fire and throw them in the park and watch them burn. Yeah. And then one time we were lighting grass and fire, putting it out, lighting grass and fire, putting it out and we lit it on fire and we couldn't put it out. So then it was just like, it just spread to the whole, like it's like three baseball fields. At a certain point, like that must have looked really awesome.

It was getting cool. And then I was like, this is escalating. This is not stopping. At least you had the wherewithal to call 911. Yeah, I know. I'm not like slightly proud of you for that. Yeah, you could have just run away and you could have run away and it would have been awful.

And I wouldn't, and I would have been fine. Yeah. I would never have gotten in trouble. I would have just felt bad. I could have called 911 and still ran away. Yeah. This is what I should have done. Yeah.

If I had a cell regret it, that's what your dad was telling you. You should have called 911 and run away. You fucking rat fucker. My dad, by the way, smoke show, but bitch none the less. That's like the first scene in a movie about why a guy turned into be a gangster. Like the dad taught him the wrong lesson. Yeah. You're a rat.

You never let your friends rat. My father like beats the shit out of a friend of mine in front of me. Nobody rats ought to buy sod. By Johnny. He's pouring gasoline on his head. You like Letty Fias? You like talking about Fias? We'll talk about this one.

Turn and walk away. Look at what you did, John. Dear God. I love you, boy. I love you, son. All right. Don't forget you got baseball breakfast tomorrow. I'll never mind the field was charred.

Felt awful about that. Sliding into an action play. I had issues with fires for a long time. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. So beyond just that. You never want to be the pyro kid because every kid likes fire a little bit.

Yeah. I had a friend that was like the one that had the fire and got the fireworks. We all liked it. Right, right, right. But my mom was like, no, you're not hanging out. Yeah, that kid's serious. You're not hanging out with John. The fact that his parents let him have a fire pit in the house is too much.

Yeah. In the house. All right. At the house. In the living room. Yeah, just put this big ball of tinfoil here and just let him wait. We can't light a ball of tinfoil on fire. You can heat it up, though.

You're rusty, dude. Yeah. I was like, my issues with fire afterward, like I was kind of afraid of fire. Oh, like, shit. Yeah, I would shit. Yeah, I got a little phobia from it because it like, like I attached fire to being my family, being upset with me, destroying something. What a very specific link that you can like trace back to.

Right. I'm over it now. And now I put fire very close to my face, you know, several times a day. And when I smoke, that makes it sound like you're a wisdom. The only way I feel alive. It sounds like you're not over it at all. You know, I just light a fire and stare into it for two, three hours at the end and just imagine all my heart, all the people that have ever wronged me burning.

No, it's fine. Is that weird? Playing Eternal Flame, which sort of drives me, motivates me to become a different person. Sang by, what was his name? Joe Coy. Who's that guy? Who's the guy? Eternal Flame.

No, the song guy. That's the bangles. What's that? Oh, Joe Kim. Joe Kim. Joe Kim singing. Is this burning? So I think for this guy, we just tell him to cut his losses and start a new life without

his girlfriend or friends. And if he really wants to keep her because she's a smoke show, let's lose the word bitch from her vocabulary unless she's being a bit like, and then talk to your friends and say, hey, you rat me out. I think it's time. Like maybe you can still be friends with those dudes without doing your quote unquote business. Yeah.

Which, by the way, is crime. I got this business where I go on the subway and I take people's iPhones out of their pockets and I sell them. I'm part of their own business. I'm kind of an entrepreneur. You guys have an LLC for your shop. I mean, I'm part of a new startup. We shake down kids at the playground for money and it's like, okay, interesting.

When you're signing up for an Amazon affiliate link for your business, what feel do you say it's in? Yeah. Our business is sponsored by me undies. Feverty. Speaking of sponsorship, let's take a break and come back soon with more gamers. Nice transition. That was a really nice transition.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and

you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp.

All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. You do that today. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional, licensed help and it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com.

If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. Years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to

sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming

up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial, everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase.

Thank you, Squarespace. Hey, we're back. My and mighty is John Gabriel. Thank you. What are you just saying? What do you like about your podcast? What do you hate? What have you learned in the last three weeks?

I really enjoy doing a podcast. I don't enjoy the logistics of emailing people to say like who's free Monday at 7th. I have a hard enough time keeping track of my own schedule when you have to like add other people's schedules into the mix. It's difficult. That is a true white wine. That is a true, that's a champagne problem to have. Using my own podcast that somebody else records, puts up and gets advertising for is pretty

difficult. But, oh man, someday if our network grows, that'd be a really great job for somebody to have. Like the coordinator. Right. So you like, as you're the talent, you're just like, this is my availability and then get people in here. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, that would be awesome. Yeah. I love talking to people and I've been talking to mostly people I do know and I want to start talking to some people who I don't know on the podcast. I know. A couple new interviewers. Yeah.

A couple people who I've never met before that are specifically experts on something. Like the GI doctor you're saying. Yeah. Maybe a GI doctor I would love to have like a botanist or like a marijuana expert on. That's another like get. Yeah. Or just a guy that gets high a lot. Yeah, I've had that.

We have that with all my guests. What about the reaction? How have you been able to gauge like people tweeting and emailing and whatever? You know what? I realize I'm like so pumped with how it's doing, but I don't know what it constitutes a popular podcast. And I don't think I really want to know because I'm just very happy with like, I'm getting a surprise.

Like I didn't think I would get over a thousand people to listen to any episodes, you know? I remember you asking what you're like, how's it doing? And I told you like, it was like two days in I'm like 68 people, not bad. And you're like, oh, shit, really? I'm like, no, it's like 8000, you idiot. But I was like 68 people is like, you know, it's starting off. I was like, fuck. But I was like, fuck, I think I might have misjudged the need for my podcast to be out

there. 68. You wrote that. And I was like, fuck, I'm going to just quit this shit. But no, I mean, yeah, literally tens of thousands of people have listened to your show so far. Yeah. And more people should. Yeah.

If anybody listening to this right now hasn't heard. Yeah, do it. Do it. I thank you guys. I appreciate you shouting out. First of all, giving me the opportunity and then secondly, promoting it. No doubt. It's very exciting.

Yeah. I mean, I don't listen to any of the podcasts on our network, but I hear such good things about your asshole. I only listen to your wolf. You know, you have 95 ratings on iTunes right now and 92 of the 95 are five stars and three of them are four stars. Who gives four stars? That's I mean, that's a weird complaint to have.

But isn't that funny that like someone would log in and be like, four stars. Pretty good. I'm asking people to rate it and people are going fine. But just, you know, I wonder if they think it's the four is the most they can't because I think you push you like you just click on the star all the way to the rest. Is that is that a good amount of reviews? That is. Yeah, it's a solid. It's a solid, solid base.

But, you know, more is always better. Is more better. Is it like money in that having more is better? Yeah. But then if you have too much, you start getting jaded. And then like you move into a place you can't afford. I feel like that just got real. That's where we are now.

Yeah, that's why you guys like, let's have gaberson. Let's have all our guests. OK, guys, a head gum. Sell me on these. Sell me on these. Sell me on these. Jake is also actually selling underwear on the side unrelated to. I steal it from the business.

I got this business plan where I get free me on these in various sizes and I sell them to people for cheaper. That's not a good. Yeah, it's like how much money were you actually making stacks? Let's like what? Yeah. And what friends of yours? What people are like, oh, shit, are those are those discounted gackies? Oh, how'd you get them?

Don't ask. OK, yeah, I'll buy them. Hey, man, do you get any cool shirts in? I'm a size medium, right? It's a clothing also has sizes. It like makes it so much more difficult. You didn't steal an extra large mother fucker. I don't fit into a large in the button down. It can't be worth it.

And then you're splitting that like the money of buying getting stealing one shirt, splitting that three ways. Yeah. Now we're just critiquing his illegal business. Yes, what you want to do is steal phones. You've got to rob trucks. Yeah. Honestly, the only thing that Blendon was right about is that he's a shitbag.

At least he's self aware, to that extent. Awesome. Well, we do really appreciate you having a show on our network. It only makes us look better. Oh, thank you. It seems like as you're looking at a computer, it seems like you just read that like you wrote that like I texted him here. Hey, thank you.

There's always she every Thursday morning. Only on head gum.com. Head gum.com. It is Thursdays, right? It is Thursdays. Yes, more or less. Oh, can we do head.com? Oh, like a gum.

Don't a gum extension. That's it. Yeah, it didn't. Wasn't there a thing recently where you can get any extension? I feel like three letter extension. Yeah, there's like I know you can get dot ninja. Really? Yeah, I might have made that up.

Dot gum. I know you can maybe do it. I know you can maybe get dot ninja. Just kidding. That's all made up. How does one go about creating their own URL extensions? Huh, I imagine it would require several million dollars as a bare minimum. But anything for head.com.

I bet you you can get that, to be honest. Let's try it tonight. Let's meet back here at your house. 2 a.m. It has to be in the dead of night. Could do head.gov. No, we couldn't. OK.

We do head.com.org. Yeah, for a profit. All right, you want to get to one last question? Hey, you tell me, dude. Let's do it. Are you asking Jake? No, I'm asking myself. The answer is always yes.

Jake's buffing his crocs right now. Don't tell anybody I work crocs. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Spit shot. These are Amir's crocs. Put them on as a goof. Yeah, fucking stupid as Amir, right guys? Monogram, J.H.

Why did I get those? Why did I get my personalized crocs? You're wearing leather. What is that, cheetah print? Leopard print. Leopard print flip flops, yeah. Santos. And my shoes are weird.

Yeah, they're kind of hard to find in a size 12. I'll be frank. Technically, that's a woman's 15. Do you have size women's 15 flip flops, leopard print? Are you a drag queen? No. So why'd you get those? What's the story behind that?

So I really like these flip hop companies, Sanook, which I think is Thai for smile. And they make great sandals. And for a long time, I was wearing these green Astro turf sandals of theirs. I would go on Zappos and buy a new pair every summer. I really dug them. Then I saw it one time that they had,

and they were like fur Astro turf. And so then I saw that they had leopard print. And I said, hey, you know, I like a little flair. 2015 is the summer of Gabriel's. Yeah, I bought two pairs. Well, I had a pair like five years ago. And then I never was able to find them again. And then just recently, they went back on sale.

So I bought like three pairs. And I just put two away in my closet, just in case it all goes down. Hermetically sealed. This is something I can't live without. Leopard print mandals. When the end of days is near, I'm still going to have two fresh pairs of leopard prints.

You guys are going to be starving in the streets, and I'll be trading leopard print flip flops for canned goods. Gabriel's has a go bag that has power bars, a flashlight, one extra pair of these sandals, a zombie apocalypse prepared in his kit. Yeah, I can't run, guys. Why did you put fucking sneakers in there? But I do look fabulous.

All right, fake name, one last name. Clamden. Oh, I like that. He's from New England. Clamden writes, I'm just going to get straight to the point. My fiance, Sex Drive, has decreased to the point where it's almost non-existent. In two years of us having sex, it has slowly but surely

continued to dwindle. In correlation, both of our weights have increased throughout our time together in college, about 50 pounds each. Her excuse for the lack of sex is that she doesn't like the way she looks without clothes, and that she doesn't feel attractive anymore. Given the weight between the two of us is noticeable,

but I still do what I can to make her feel attractive and sexy, yet to no avail. What should I do to coax her out of this long-suffering funk? Along with that, what kind of weight loss tips could you guys give? With my recently graduated and working Monday through Friday 8 to 5 PM jobs and her on a similar schedule,

our availability to go to the gym constantly isn't always there. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Keep up the good work. You guys have gotten me through a lot, and I'll be a listener for life. Thanks, Clamden. Oh, that's amazing.

That's a really nice email. Yeah. I mean, at the end, it's nice for us, for you guys, but in the beginning, it's not nice for anybody. But this is like a real, I really want to help this guy. Most of the time, when people write in, I want to tell them they're idiots and to stop doing what they're doing.

This is a dude who needs help and who I think we could truly give advice to, but that's the end of the time we have here. We did spend too much time deriding the guy on an airplane and shoplifting clothes. This is actually a very, I'm sure this is more common than most problems. This is a very common problem, I feel like.

Sex always slows down in a long-term relationship because it's there. You know, if it's not tonight, it can be tomorrow. But then that's the same thing. You know that with the gym, too. If I don't go tonight, it's fine. I'll go tomorrow. Oh, I didn't go today.

I'll just go tomorrow. And if you're in a long-term relationship, you know she's going to be there in a month. So if you don't get around to it, you're like, all right, well, we're going to have sex next month. The next thing you know, your hymen grows back. And then what? Your peony hymen.

Then you start de-aging before you know you're dating a six-year-old. So what would you guys say? Amir, you're legitimately an expert on relationships. So. As a single man, here's what I would do. Fat chicks, no dice. I think the hardest part about a workout regimen

is starting it. Because it's literally the hardest part because you're in the worst shape. And you have yet to see any results. So the first four days, the first day is the hardest. Because it's like, I'm just struggling and I'm not fit yet. Of course, you're not fit yet, because this is just the beginning.

And there's just the social aspect of having to go to a gym if you don't feel good about yourself and you don't know exactly know if you haven't been to one yet. I'm assuming if he's just out of college, maybe he's not even living where he was previously, so he's in a new area. And he's got to find, you've got to build a routine now. You've got to start now.

You're fresh out of college. You're 22, if you want to. Or maybe you're 26 with military service. And we thank you for that. You truly are a hero, sir. And I stand up. And whatever the case is, you can lose 50 pounds at that age. It's only going to get harder as you get older.

Right. Now's the time to lose weight. Exactly. And it sounds like you're probably going to work eight to five for eternity. Getting out of five is not that late. I was going to say, like, eight to five, it doesn't leave many time for the gym.

Yes, it does. Five to midnight. Five, yeah. Five on. We work out seven hours a night. We dinner at midnight, go to sleep, wake up, get to work. Like, there's days. We dinner at midnight, go to sleep, wake up, get to work.

Like, there's definitely shit that he's doing that's not the gym that he's eating a huge meal and watching Netflix. That's what's happening instead. It's funny to say that because I understand that, too. I'll say that shit. And I'll be like, I only have three free hours today. And people will be like, well, it takes an hour and a half to go to the gym.

You're like, oh, right. Like, and it's understandable. But your schedule is going to be eight to five for as long as you have this job. You have to figure out a way to make it work. Find a way to fit it in. If fitness is a priority, and it sounds like it should be, but you don't have to go to the gym four days a week

to not be 50 pounds overweight. That's the point that I was going to make, too. First, it's a diet is huge. And it's not like an act. You can't out-train a bad diet. It's like a classic fitness mantra. You can't, no matter how much you work out, if you eat like garbage, you cannot.

Exactly. You can't burn that much garbage. I'm not saying go on like a crash diet, like take out carbs. Just like this guy just needs to start eating healthier. And specifically, you say this guy. I say this is a way to make this, you make this a couple thing. Right. For both of you.

You guys go to the farmer's market. You guys go to Whole Foods. It's going to be a touchy subject to try to get, like, to secretly, but if she's open about not being comfortable with the way she looks. Which it sounds like she is. Which it sounds like, yeah, exactly. Maybe it's OK for you at this point to say, like, well,

here, let's do this. Let's cook two healthy meals a week. And let's go walking three nights a week after work. And you do that together. And you do that together. And it's more time together. Cooking together is romantic. Walking together is romantic.

And you cook a healthy meal. You go for a long walk. That's just exercise. And then maybe a couple of weeks go by. People start feeling better about themselves. Because it's not even a matter of her losing 10 pounds to look better. If she just walks a couple of days a week and eats,

she'll just feel better. And when you feel, I know that. I've been in a relationship for, I've been with the same girl for 13 years. If you want to talk about, like, being in a long-term relationship, sex getting old, 13 years of having sex with the same girl, it gets difficult. But it's you, man.

That's what you, if you want it, this is what you've got to do here. What about cheating on your spouse? So you get it somewhere else? Yeah, I guess you're right. Like, maybe you can find a skinny girl that isn't your girlfriend and just bone down with her. Oh, burns calories.

Yeah. We were so close to giving this guy good advice. It's about making her feel better. And to be honest, and I don't want to put any more pressure on this guy than he feels, but if you just start exercising and you start dropping some LBs, it's going to be like, she's going to be A, more into it. And B, she's going to be like, fuck, now I can't be the one.

I think like everything is sort of contagious in a relationship. And negativity can be contagious. And laziness can be contagious, or positivity, and being energized can be contagious. 100%, because it's literally just the two of you. And it's like, if my wife comes home in a bad mood from work, I'm in a bad mood.

If I wake up and I'm being like a grump, it just, it escalates, you know? And it's just one of those things where, but if my wife comes home and she's in a bad mood, in a great mood, and she starts making me laugh, where it's contagious, and you need to maybe artificially spark that contagion. Yeah, fake it till you make it.

And I will say that, although working out at the beginning is the hardest, it's also, those are the easiest pounds to lose. So if you could just remove one, like, if you're drinking soda or beer, like, if you just take that away, that usually accounts for the first jump start of like 5, 10, 15 pounds. Yeah, if you're drinking soda and emailing people

for fitness advice, just, if you're listening to this, and you're like, I'm going to ask these guys fitness questions, but you happen to be drinking soda, just eliminate soda. I understand why beer is difficult to eliminate, but get rid of soda. No one drinks soda anymore. It's a treat.

Yeah. That's it. They were like, there's- It's like healthier to drink vodka. No, yeah. I mean, added sugar is like the devil. Sugar is the white devil. And at your biggest weight, the easiest pounds

to lose are the first few, right? Right, yeah, because it's a matter of percentages. And because if you're not adapted to exercise, the moment you start, your body kicks into adapting to that. And I'm talking exercise, three 30-minute walks a week. Right. We'll get you going. Yeah, there's no need to go to a gym.

You're absolutely right. You do walks. You can do push-ups at your house. You can ease yourself into it, for sure. We got to pull- The first exercise I ever started was just getting a pull-up bar. It was like $18. And I put it up in a door frame.

Right, and you got to walk past it. And you're like, oh, fuck it. You know what, every time I go into the bathroom or go into my room, I'll try to do a pull-up. Yeah. And then sooner or later, you do it. And now you can do two. Yeah.

10 years later, now I can do two. But I'm fucking this shit out of anybody that wants it. Who wants it? I'm here, baby. Jake, just stop shitting. He would shit in his room to avoid the bar. Yeah, I shitted Tupperware and threw it. I was shitting him out the window.

Also, I was going to say. Shitting into a Gatorade bottle is literally a high-skill event. It's a wider mouth than most. Talk to me when you're doing Snapple. Or the ultimate water. Pull-up spray. Yeah, pull-up spray. Pull-up spray.

I'm shitting into one of the little sport tops of a pull-up spray. I've shitted into a Capri Sunbag somehow. A Capri Sun. The hard part is piercing your urethra, like with that thin little straw. Why are you shitting in your urethra? It's a whole different issue. We'll talk to your GI doctor about that.

I'll wait until my GI doctor goes, I'll have him take a quick look at your back urethra. You're your urethra. My last bit of real advice is instead of trying to inspire her, you ask her to be like, can you do this for me? That way it's like you're asking her to help you. She's less likely to say no to that. I need your help.

Will you help me start trying to eat better? Right. Can you help me cook? Let's cook on Sunday night. Let's make, if you work Monday through Friday, let's cook on Sunday night. Let's make grilled chicken or some protein for Monday and Tuesday and Thursday and Friday. Pretty soon you guys are going to be fucking the pounds away.

Holy shit. That's what's going to happen. And that's going to be all comfortable, confident. Maybe do like YouTube yoga in the house or something like that. Because if people are embarrassed to go out, it's just the two of you. Oh man, there's so many like circuit workouts. Yeah, you do like a push-up workout that you found on YouTube.

She's talking to Amir. I actually do two types of YouTube workouts. After I run, I do either that there's like a push-up one called passion for profession. That's the one my brother said. Yeah. And then there was a six ab workout thing called like the coach has fit six pack ab workout. And like I'm seeing like the numbers go up like into the millions of these things.

Like, oh, there's a lot of people just doing these YouTube workouts. It's great. It's a way to, you know, it's a way to get inspired. And I think doing something together would be very helpful and spending more time together and also think about what the root is. If she's really not feeling good about herself and that's why she doesn't have sex, why don't you actively pursue on a nice night, making her feel as good as possible about herself.

Tell her how beautiful she looks. If she gets dressed up, comment on the outfit, dim the lights and get after it. Have a couple of glasses of red, low carb, a couple of glasses of red wine and get after to go for it, you know, and just put, you know, don't push it, but just let her know. No, I find you attractive. You're my girlfriend. I'm in love with you.

Let's do this, you know. And then afterwards, after it does happen and you do have sex, that's when you hit even more positive reinforcement. Right. That was the best sex we've ever had. Yeah, man. It's been great. I feel like every time my wife and I have sex, we say, we got to do this more often.

Like literally, it's like right after we're like, how do we not like, we always have like an awesome session and we're like, fuck, we waited five days to do that. Come on. We should be doing this way more frequently. Five is an underestimate. Five, that sounds pretty good. Yeah. Awesome.

Thank you, John, for coming on the show. Thanks for having me on the show, Amir and Jake, which is a weird way to say that. What's your Twitter? How do people reach you? You can reach me at JohnGabris, no H in John or Gabris, and check out the High and Mighty podcast on the Head Gum Network. Love it. Every Thursday morning.

You're in, baby. All right. I'll record some ads for you. Perfect. The opening theme song was Joe Kim. This closing one is from Gareth. So thanks, Joe Kim. Thanks, Gareth.

If you have your own questions, theme song, Facebook, thumbnail submissions, it's all coming to If I Were You Show at gmail.com. We try, desperately try to read them all. So send them away. Thanks for listening. We'll be back next week. Bye. Thanks.

Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.

Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.

Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.

Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.

Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.

Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.